1 00:00:01,334 --> 00:00:07,507 >> Stephen: PANDEMIC HYGIENE HABITS WAS NOT ONLY KEEPING US 2 00:00:07,574 --> 00:00:10,944 SAFE FROM COVID 19 BUT PLAYED A PART IN DECREASING CASES OF THE 3 00:00:11,010 --> 00:00:12,445 COMMON CODE. 4 00:00:12,512 --> 00:00:17,384 NOW THAT WE ARE LESS CONSISTENTLY EXPERIENCING MASKS 5 00:00:17,450 --> 00:00:22,789 AND ARE IN CROWDS, THE COMMON COLD IS BACK. 6 00:00:22,856 --> 00:00:32,832 ♪♪ ♪♪ 7 00:00:32,899 --> 00:01:15,074 ♪♪ ♪♪ 8 00:01:15,141 --> 00:01:24,717 >> Announcer: IT'S "THE LATE SHOW" WITH STEPHEN COLBERT! 9 00:01:24,784 --> 00:01:29,222 TONIGHT, STEPHEN WELCOMES THE STARS OF THE COLBERT 10 00:01:29,289 --> 00:01:40,733 QUESTIONNAIRE -- TAYLOR SWIFT AND NEIL DEGRAPH TYSON FEATURING 11 00:01:40,800 --> 00:01:43,269 JON BATISTE AND "STAY HUMAN." 12 00:01:43,336 --> 00:01:45,905 AND NOW LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK 13 00:01:45,972 --> 00:01:57,383 CITY, IT'S ST STEPHEN COLBERT! 14 00:01:57,450 --> 00:02:09,429 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: HELLO, EVERYBODY! 15 00:02:15,468 --> 00:02:17,437 ( AUDIENCE CHANTING STEPHEN ) >> Stephen: THANK YOU, LADIES 16 00:02:17,504 --> 00:02:21,674 AND GENTLEMEN! 17 00:02:21,741 --> 00:02:23,376 ( JON PLAYING THEME FROM JAWS ) >> Stephen: PLEASE HAVE A 18 00:02:23,443 --> 00:02:24,210 SEAT. 19 00:02:24,277 --> 00:02:25,812 WHAT A FANTASTIC AUDIENCE. 20 00:02:25,879 --> 00:02:29,382 I WISH I COULD DO A SHOW FOR YOU TWICE. 21 00:02:29,449 --> 00:02:31,150 WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW," LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. 22 00:02:31,217 --> 00:02:34,554 I AM YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT. 23 00:02:34,621 --> 00:02:37,624 IT IS SO -- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 24 00:02:37,690 --> 00:02:41,194 LOOK AT THAT, HOW COULD YOU LEAVE THAT? 25 00:02:41,261 --> 00:02:44,864 I AM SO GLAD -- LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I AM SO GLAD TO BE 26 00:02:44,931 --> 00:02:48,234 HERE TONIGHT, THOUGH I AM NOT ACTUALLY HERE TONIGHT AND IT'S 27 00:02:48,301 --> 00:02:55,275 NOT ACTUALLY TONIGHT BECAUSE WE'RE TAPING TONIGHT'S SHOW IN 28 00:02:55,341 --> 00:02:58,578 ADVANCE BECAUSE WHEN THIS AIRS, I WILL BE TRAVELING BACK FROM 29 00:02:58,645 --> 00:02:59,846 THE EMMYS. 30 00:02:59,913 --> 00:03:04,050 SO RIGHT NOW I AM SOMEWHERE ELSE ENJOYING A GLASS OF CELEBRATORY 31 00:03:04,117 --> 00:03:08,454 CHAMPAGNE OR A BUCKET OF CONSOLATION BOURBON. 32 00:03:08,521 --> 00:03:10,790 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THERE YOU GO. 33 00:03:10,857 --> 00:03:18,531 BUT I WISH I COULD BE HERE, MEANING HERE, THERE, FROM WHEN 34 00:03:18,598 --> 00:03:20,967 I'M -- MONDAY -- LET'S MOVE ON. 35 00:03:21,034 --> 00:03:24,837 ( LAUGHTER ) BECAUSE TONIGHT, I'M GOING TO 36 00:03:24,904 --> 00:03:26,172 SHARE SOME OF MY FAVORITE MOMENTS FROM THE 37 00:03:26,239 --> 00:03:27,340 LAST SEASON AS WELL AS SOME CLIPS THAT HAVE NEVER BEFORE 38 00:03:27,407 --> 00:03:28,441 AIRED. 39 00:03:28,508 --> 00:03:32,445 AND I SHOT MOST OF THE LAST SEASON ALL ALONE IN AN OLD 40 00:03:32,512 --> 00:03:34,213 STORAGE CLOSET UPSTAIRS, SO I'M VERY EXCITED TO SHARE THESE WITH 41 00:03:34,280 --> 00:03:37,850 AN ACTUAL LIVE AUDIENCE FOR THE FIRST TIME. 42 00:03:37,917 --> 00:03:40,820 YOU SEE, I HAVE A THEORY ABOUT COMEDY, AND IT'S THAT IT'S GOOD 43 00:03:40,887 --> 00:03:41,621 WHEN THERE'S LAUGHTER. 44 00:03:41,688 --> 00:03:46,826 ( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 45 00:03:46,893 --> 00:03:48,962 FIRST UP, IT'S CONTROVERSIAL. 46 00:03:49,028 --> 00:03:50,530 >> Jon: IT'S HONEST. 47 00:03:50,597 --> 00:03:54,000 >> Stephen: FIRST UP, SOME OF MY FAVORITE JOKES FROM THE 48 00:03:54,067 --> 00:03:56,269 MONOLOGUES IN THAT TINY ROOM. 49 00:03:56,336 --> 00:03:57,103 JIM. 50 00:03:57,170 --> 00:03:58,438 >> Stephen: I'M BACK IN NEW YORK CITY. 51 00:03:58,504 --> 00:04:06,012 AS YOU CAN SEE, IT'S NEW YORK, HERE IN THE HISTORIC ED SULLIVAN 52 00:04:06,079 --> 00:04:10,116 THEATER OFFICE BUILDING. 53 00:04:10,183 --> 00:04:11,918 THE BEATLES, GRANTED, DID NOT PERFORM IN HERE, BUT I WANT YOU 54 00:04:11,985 --> 00:04:13,920 TO KNOW, THE GIRLS STILL WENT CRAZY WHEN RINGO CAME UP TO MAKE 55 00:04:13,987 --> 00:04:14,787 COPIES. 56 00:04:14,854 --> 00:04:17,991 ( LAUGHTER ) TONIGHT, WE'RE ON SHOW TIME, 57 00:04:18,057 --> 00:04:21,995 JUST LIKE FOUR YEARS AGO, AND WE KNOW WHY WE'RE HERE BECAUSE IT'S 58 00:04:22,061 --> 00:04:23,262 LIVE. 59 00:04:23,329 --> 00:04:25,898 WELL, THE THING IS WE DON'T KNOW WHAT SOME OF THE INGREDIENTS OF 60 00:04:25,965 --> 00:04:27,166 TONIGHT'S SHOW ARE GOING TO BE. 61 00:04:27,233 --> 00:04:30,269 IT'S LIKE MAKING COOKIES AND, AT THIS POINT, WE DON'T KNOW WHAT'S 62 00:04:30,336 --> 00:04:34,107 GOING TO BE IN THE BATCH -- CHOCOLATE CHIPS, RAISINS OR A 63 00:04:34,173 --> 00:04:35,308 HANDFUL OF THUMB TACKS. 64 00:04:35,375 --> 00:04:37,744 AS WE JOURNEY INTO THE UNKNOWN, PLASE BE PATIENT WITH US AND 65 00:04:37,810 --> 00:04:38,144 WITH YOURSELF. 66 00:04:38,211 --> 00:04:42,048 HOLD ON TIGHT. 67 00:04:42,115 --> 00:04:43,816 HOLD ON TO YOUR LOVED ONES. 68 00:04:43,883 --> 00:04:44,984 HOLD ON TO YOUR PETS. 69 00:04:45,051 --> 00:04:46,352 AND IF YOU'RE HOLDING ON TO ANYTHING ELSE, TURN YOUR ZOOM 70 00:04:46,419 --> 00:04:48,054 CAMERA OFF. 71 00:04:48,121 --> 00:04:51,891 ( LAUGHTER ) OH, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! 72 00:04:51,958 --> 00:04:56,129 JOE BIDEN DID IT. 73 00:04:56,195 --> 00:04:56,963 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪♪ 74 00:04:57,030 --> 00:05:02,902 HE'S OUR NEXT PRESIDENT! 75 00:05:02,969 --> 00:05:06,439 I'M GOING TO SHARE THIS MOMENT WITH YOU, OUR AUDIENCE. 76 00:05:06,506 --> 00:05:09,742 I WISH WE COULD BE TOGETHER IN THE THEATER INSTEAD OF BEING 77 00:05:09,809 --> 00:05:11,778 STUCK IN THIS CONVERTED STORAGE ROOM. 78 00:05:11,844 --> 00:05:17,183 THAT'S NOT GOING TO STOP ME FROM FIRING THE T-SHIRT CANON! 79 00:05:17,250 --> 00:05:19,252 COME ON! 80 00:05:19,318 --> 00:05:25,625 ♪ CELEBRATE GOOD TIMES COME ON! ♪ 81 00:05:25,692 --> 00:05:29,762 OKAY, JIMMY, THAT'S ENOUGH. 82 00:05:29,829 --> 00:05:31,798 I'M GOING TO FIRE THAT THING BACK UP. 83 00:05:31,864 --> 00:05:35,168 I'M READY AT A MOMENT'S NOTICE. 84 00:05:35,234 --> 00:05:40,840 WHEN ANYONE GROWNS AT ONE OF MY JOKES, IT'S GO TIME ( BLEEP ). 85 00:05:40,907 --> 00:05:47,380 THOUSANDS OF MAGA PROTESTERS STORMED THE CAPITOL BUILDING, A 86 00:05:47,447 --> 00:05:52,018 HORRIFYING DAY THAT WILL GO DOWN IN U.S. HISTORY, HOWEVER MUCH 87 00:05:52,085 --> 00:05:53,619 LONGER THAT IS. 88 00:05:53,686 --> 00:05:55,755 ONE WAY TO DESCRIBE IT. 89 00:05:55,822 --> 00:05:56,422 >> LAW AND ORDER. 90 00:05:56,489 --> 00:05:58,157 >> Stephen: NO, THAT'S NOT IT. 91 00:05:58,224 --> 00:05:58,791 AMERICAN CARNAGE. 92 00:05:58,858 --> 00:05:59,926 >> Stephen: THAT'S THE ONE. 93 00:05:59,992 --> 00:06:03,096 JOHNNY, TELL THEM WHAT THEY WON. 94 00:06:03,162 --> 00:06:06,032 >> A SECOND CIVIL WAR AND A BROYHILL DINETTE SET! 95 00:06:06,099 --> 00:06:11,771 YOU WILL BE EATING IN STYLE IN THE SMOLDERING AFTERSCAPE. 96 00:06:11,838 --> 00:06:15,641 BACK TO YOU, STEVE! 97 00:06:15,708 --> 00:06:19,645 >> Stephen: THESE IDIOTS BROKE INTO THE SENATE CHAMBER 98 00:06:19,712 --> 00:06:24,016 INCLUDING THIS GUY WHO TODAY AT THE PODIUM. 99 00:06:24,083 --> 00:06:26,319 THEY SAY DEMOCRATS CONTROL THE SENATE. 100 00:06:26,385 --> 00:06:27,653 THAT'S PREMATURE. 101 00:06:27,720 --> 00:06:31,190 SENATE CONTROL PASSED TO MAJORITY LEADER SHIRTLESS FREAK 102 00:06:31,257 --> 00:06:32,792 IN A VIKING HAT. 103 00:06:32,859 --> 00:06:38,030 AFTER THE PRESIDENT CONTINUED TO POST LIES ABOUT THE ELECTION, 104 00:06:38,097 --> 00:06:40,833 TWITTER ANNOUNCED HIS ACCOUNT WOULD BE LOCKED FOR 12 HOURS 105 00:06:40,900 --> 00:06:43,569 WHICH MEANS LAST NIGHT THE PRESIDENT HAD THE MOST BORING 106 00:06:43,636 --> 00:06:45,071 POOPS OF HIS LIFE. 107 00:06:45,138 --> 00:06:51,410 WELCOME TO A SPECIAL LIVE LATE SHOW. 108 00:06:51,477 --> 00:06:55,047 I AM YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT. 109 00:06:55,114 --> 00:06:56,482 WELL, YOU DID IT. 110 00:06:56,549 --> 00:07:02,155 YOU SURVIVED THE LAST FOUR YEARS AND YOUR REWARD, A SHINY NEW OLD 111 00:07:02,221 --> 00:07:03,089 PRESIDENT. 112 00:07:03,156 --> 00:07:05,525 ( LAUGHTER ) TODAY FOR THE FIRST TIME IN OUR 113 00:07:05,591 --> 00:07:09,495 244-YEAR HISTORY, THE UNITED STATES HAS A FEMALE 114 00:07:09,562 --> 00:07:10,530 VICE PRESIDENT. 115 00:07:10,596 --> 00:07:11,731 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) IT'S A MOMENT THAT FUTURE 116 00:07:11,798 --> 00:07:15,535 GENERATIONS WILL LOOK BACK ON AND SAY, WOW, THAT TOOK A LONG 117 00:07:15,601 --> 00:07:16,736 TIME. 118 00:07:16,803 --> 00:07:21,340 NOT ONLY IS HARRIS OUR FIRST FEMALE VICE PRESIDENT, SHE'S OUR 119 00:07:21,407 --> 00:07:27,380 FIRST BLACK VICE PRESIDENT, THE SOUTH ASIAN-AMERICAN AND THE 120 00:07:27,446 --> 00:07:30,683 FIRST VICE PRESIDENT IN FOUR YEARS WHO DOESN'T THINK YOGURT 121 00:07:30,750 --> 00:07:32,485 IS TOO SPICEY. 122 00:07:32,552 --> 00:07:38,157 NO BLIZZARD IS CLEAR WITHOUT SOMEBODY REPORTING FROM THE 123 00:07:38,224 --> 00:07:39,559 SNOWSTORM. 124 00:07:39,625 --> 00:07:43,162 STEPHEN, HOW ARE THINGS LOOKING UP THERE, MY FRIEND? 125 00:07:43,229 --> 00:07:46,899 >> WELL, STEVE, IT'S COLD AND SNOWY, BUT YOU DIDN'T NEED 126 00:07:46,966 --> 00:07:48,734 ANYBODY UP ON THE ROOF TO TELL YOU THAT. 127 00:07:48,801 --> 00:07:51,204 YOU COULD HAVE JUST LOOKED OUT YOUR WINDOW. 128 00:07:51,270 --> 00:07:54,774 >> Stephen: YEAH, I WOULD BUT THESE WINDOWS AREN'T REAL, 129 00:07:54,841 --> 00:07:57,410 THEY'RE JUST TV SCREENS. 130 00:07:57,476 --> 00:08:01,948 >> Stephen: WELL, CHANGE THEM TO STATIC, YOU WILL GET THE 131 00:08:02,014 --> 00:08:02,548 IDEA. 132 00:08:02,615 --> 00:08:03,816 >> Stephen: THERE YOU GO. 133 00:08:03,883 --> 00:08:04,483 >> Stephen: WOW! 134 00:08:04,550 --> 00:08:06,786 THAT IS A LOT OF SNOW! 135 00:08:06,853 --> 00:08:07,987 >> Stephen: YEP! 136 00:08:08,054 --> 00:08:10,156 CAN I COME DOWN FROM THE ROOF NOW, PLEASE? 137 00:08:10,223 --> 00:08:11,591 >> Stephen: NO, YOU CAN'T. 138 00:08:11,657 --> 00:08:14,994 >> Stephen: WELL, WHAT IF I MADE IT WORTH YOUR WHILE? 139 00:08:15,061 --> 00:08:19,265 INTRODUCE YOU TO MY FRIEND BENJAMIN, HERE? 140 00:08:19,332 --> 00:08:23,870 CHECK INSIDE YOUR POCKET, STEVE. 141 00:08:23,936 --> 00:08:24,937 >> Stephen: OH... 142 00:08:25,004 --> 00:08:28,841 I LIKE THE CUT OF YOUR JIB. 143 00:08:28,908 --> 00:08:31,677 BECAUSE IT'S AMERICA, WASN'T LONG BEFORE MASK WEARING 144 00:08:31,744 --> 00:08:34,146 DEVOLVED INTO A POLITICAL ISSUE. 145 00:08:34,213 --> 00:08:38,818 APPARENTLY SPREADING AEROSOLIZED VIRUS IS A CHERISHED FREEDOM. 146 00:08:38,885 --> 00:08:43,189 WHO CAN FORGET PATRICK HENRY'S FAMOUS CRY, GIVE ME LIBERTY, 147 00:08:43,256 --> 00:08:47,894 GIVE ME DEATH OR SLIP ME SOME TONGUE AND GIVE ME BOTH! 148 00:08:47,960 --> 00:08:52,932 FAUCI WAS SO POPULAR THAT BACK IN APRIL HE BECAME A WRITE-IN 149 00:08:52,999 --> 00:08:56,402 NOMINEE FOR PEOPLE'S SEXIEST MAN ALIVE. 150 00:08:56,469 --> 00:08:59,906 SOMETHING ABOUT A MAN BEGGING YOU TO STAY SIX FEET AWAY THAT 151 00:08:59,972 --> 00:09:02,174 MAKES YOU WANT HIM MORE. 152 00:09:02,241 --> 00:09:07,980 THE WINNER TURNED OUT TO BE MICHAEL B. JORDAN, PUBLISHED IN 153 00:09:08,047 --> 00:09:10,116 THE NEW ENGLAND JOURNAL OF MOMMA LIKE! 154 00:09:10,182 --> 00:09:15,988 BARACK OBAMA HAS ALWAYS BEEN SURPRISINGLY RESPECTFUL OF HIS 155 00:09:16,055 --> 00:09:17,123 SUCCESSOR WAXED GRITTY. 156 00:09:17,189 --> 00:09:21,193 GOING ALL THE WAY BACK TO 2016 WHEN HE SOMEHOW MAINTAINED 157 00:09:21,260 --> 00:09:23,562 DIGNITY WHILE GREETING HIM AT THE WHITE HOUSE. 158 00:09:23,629 --> 00:09:28,901 IT'S LIKE HAVING TO MEET YOUR DAUGHTER'S NEW FIANCEÉ WHO IS 159 00:09:28,968 --> 00:09:32,271 ALSO YOUR RACIST UNCLE. 160 00:09:32,338 --> 00:09:45,184 IN THE 2020 CAMPAIGN, HE CALLED HIM FROG MAN, RACIST PIG AND 161 00:09:45,251 --> 00:09:46,319 LUNATIC. 162 00:09:46,385 --> 00:09:50,289 AS MICHELLE OBAMA SAID, WHEN THEY GO LOW, WE GO LUNATIC. 163 00:09:50,356 --> 00:09:53,025 PRESIDENT OBAMA LEARNED ABOUT THE PRESIDENTIAL PHONE CALLS, 164 00:09:53,092 --> 00:09:56,462 THE RACIST SEXIST PIG HAD WITH FOREIGN LEADERS OUT MY AIDES ON 165 00:09:56,529 --> 00:10:00,700 THE LINE TO HEAR WHAT'S BEING DISCUSSED, HE CALLED THE MADMAN 166 00:10:00,766 --> 00:10:02,468 THAT CORRUPT MOTHER ( BLEEP ). 167 00:10:02,535 --> 00:10:06,172 MUST HAVE BEEN INCREDIBLE TO HEAR BARACK OBAMA GET SO FIERY. 168 00:10:06,238 --> 00:10:15,848 LOOK, HE'S A MOTHER -- UH -- LOOK, THE THING IS -- UH, 169 00:10:15,915 --> 00:10:16,882 ( BLEEP ). 170 00:10:16,949 --> 00:10:22,588 TONIGHT IS THE VERY LAST LATE SHOW IN QUARANTINE. 171 00:10:22,655 --> 00:10:28,160 MONDAY I WILL BE BACK IN THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER FOR "THE LATE 172 00:10:28,227 --> 00:10:29,362 SHOW." 173 00:10:29,428 --> 00:10:29,628 IT WILL BE MY FIRST TIME IN FRONT OF A LIVE AUDIENCE IN 460 174 00:10:29,695 --> 00:10:30,830 DAYS. 175 00:10:30,896 --> 00:10:34,400 I HOPE I REMEMBER HOW TO FEEL VALIDATED BY A CHEERING CROWD. 176 00:10:34,467 --> 00:10:37,737 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THE POINT IS, WE MADE IT 177 00:10:37,803 --> 00:10:38,971 AMERICA. 178 00:10:39,038 --> 00:10:41,907 AFTER 15 MONTHS IN QUARANTINE LIKE CICADAS WE'RE EMERGING INTO 179 00:10:41,974 --> 00:10:46,746 THE SUN AND WE'LL SPEND NEXT TWO WEEKS MAKING WEIRD NOISES AND 180 00:10:46,812 --> 00:10:50,383 HAVING SEX TILL WE DIE. 181 00:10:50,449 --> 00:10:54,754 I'M BEING FACT CHECKED ON THAT BY MY PRODUCER AND WIFE EVIE 182 00:10:54,820 --> 00:10:55,921 RIGHT OVER THERE. 183 00:10:55,988 --> 00:10:59,658 LEAVING THIS STORAGE ROOM IS SWEET BECAUSE I GET TO LEAVE, 184 00:10:59,725 --> 00:11:03,262 BITTER BECAUSE AFTER TEN MONTH OF PURELLEING, EVERYTHING TASTES 185 00:11:03,329 --> 00:11:04,864 LIKE A DOCTOR'S OFFICE. 186 00:11:04,930 --> 00:11:08,267 THERE ARE SOME THINGS I'LL MISS ABOUT THIS STUDIO LIKE YOU 187 00:11:08,334 --> 00:11:09,268 SILENCE. 188 00:11:09,335 --> 00:11:14,707 GOT ANYTHING YOU WANT TO SAY TO ME BEFORE I GO? 189 00:11:14,774 --> 00:11:18,077 WELL, I HATE YOU, TOO. 190 00:11:18,144 --> 00:11:20,946 WHEN WE COME BACK, THE BEST OF QUARANTINE WHILE. 191 00:11:21,013 --> 00:11:21,647 STICK AROUND. 192 00:11:21,714 --> 00:11:24,417 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪♪ 193 00:11:50,176 --> 00:11:56,482 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪♪ 194 00:11:56,549 --> 00:11:57,183 >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY! 195 00:11:57,249 --> 00:11:58,451 WELCOME BACK. 196 00:11:58,517 --> 00:12:00,186 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, TONIGHT -- 197 00:12:00,252 --> 00:12:02,154 TONIGHT, RIGHT? 198 00:12:02,221 --> 00:12:03,355 IT'S TONIGHT. 199 00:12:03,422 --> 00:12:08,627 FOLKS, TONIGHT, I'M SHARING SOME CLIP PACKAGES OF MY FAVORITE 200 00:12:08,694 --> 00:12:11,363 MOMENTS FROM OUR QUARANTINE SHOWS. 201 00:12:11,430 --> 00:12:14,934 AND YOU KNOW I SPENT WEEKS HAND SELECTING THE FINEST MOMENTS 202 00:12:15,000 --> 00:12:17,636 MOST COVID-PLEASING JOKES AND IMPORTANT NEWS STORIES FROM THE 203 00:12:17,703 --> 00:12:22,875 PAST YEAR TO CREATE FOR YOU THE PERFECT COMEDY MONTAGE SHOCKING 204 00:12:22,942 --> 00:12:26,312 MY MY KNOWLEDGE LOG, BUT SOMETIMES, FOLKS, I WAKE UP IN 205 00:12:26,378 --> 00:12:30,382 MY NEIGHBORHOOD'S YARD AFTER A BOX WINE BENDER, CLIMB INTO THE 206 00:12:30,449 --> 00:12:34,687 HAMMOCK, PHONE THE OFFICE, TELL AN INTERN TO LEARN I MOVIE AND 207 00:12:34,753 --> 00:12:40,359 THROW TOGETHER WHATEVER FLOATS THEIR BOAT TO MAKE THE NEWS 208 00:12:40,426 --> 00:12:47,600 WHICH IS MY SEGMENT -- "QUARANTINE-WHILE"! 209 00:12:47,666 --> 00:12:50,269 QUARANTINE-WHILE, IN STORIES YOU CAN ASSUME HAPPENED IN TEXAS, A 210 00:12:50,336 --> 00:12:52,805 DOG IN PLANO, TEXAS, SHOT A MAN IN THE LEG. 211 00:12:52,872 --> 00:12:56,242 NOW, HE MIGHT HAVE BEEN A BAD MAN AND WE KNOW THE BEST WAY TO 212 00:12:56,308 --> 00:13:00,746 STOP A BAD MAN IS WITH A GOOD BOY WITH A GUN! 213 00:13:00,813 --> 00:13:01,947 WHO'S GOOD BOY! 214 00:13:02,014 --> 00:13:04,817 WHO'S GOT A GUN? 215 00:13:04,884 --> 00:13:06,919 YOU DO! 216 00:13:06,986 --> 00:13:08,187 CHOO, CHOO! 217 00:13:08,254 --> 00:13:18,230 APPARENTLY THE MAN HAD A PISTOL TUCKED IN HIS WAISTBAND AND HIS 218 00:13:18,297 --> 00:13:21,367 PAW GOT STUCK IN THE TRIGGER, SHOOTING THE MAN. 219 00:13:21,433 --> 00:13:25,504 THAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN DOGS AND CATS RIGHT THERE, CATS 220 00:13:25,571 --> 00:13:27,339 DON'T MISS. 221 00:13:27,406 --> 00:13:29,675 QUARANTINE-WHILE, TACO BELL IS TESTING ITS OWN MEAT 222 00:13:29,742 --> 00:13:30,576 ALTERNATIVE. 223 00:13:30,643 --> 00:13:32,945 I THOUGHT TACO BELL WAS A MEAT ALTERNATIVE. 224 00:13:33,012 --> 00:13:38,884 IT'S MADE WITH A BLEND OF PEAS AND CHICK PEAS, BEING DOVED THE 225 00:13:38,951 --> 00:13:40,119 CRAVETARIAN TACO. 226 00:13:40,186 --> 00:13:44,290 PERFECT FOR ANYONE WHO THOUGHT WHAT IF MY LUNCH SOUNDED LIKE A 227 00:13:44,356 --> 00:13:45,658 GWYNETH PALTROW CULT? 228 00:13:45,724 --> 00:13:52,498 JOIN THE CRAVETARIANS, YOU WON'T BELIEVE WHERE WE PUT THE CHICK 229 00:13:52,565 --> 00:13:52,932 PEA... 230 00:13:52,998 --> 00:13:56,569 IT'S MY VAGINA! 231 00:13:56,635 --> 00:13:58,604 ( LAUGHTER ) ( SINGING ) 232 00:13:58,671 --> 00:14:03,742 ♪ THE CAPTAIN CALLED ALL HANDS ON "LATE SHOW" ♪ 233 00:14:03,809 --> 00:14:12,418 SOON MAY THE WET MINERAL COME TO BRING US SUGAR AND TEA AND RUM. 234 00:14:12,484 --> 00:14:15,120 ONE BAY WE'LL TAKE OUR LEAVE AND KNOW. 235 00:14:15,187 --> 00:14:18,424 >> Stephen: MY YEARS ARE BEST WITH A TICK TOCK, SAY ALREADY 236 00:14:18,490 --> 00:14:22,461 SONG, THIS IS MY DREAM, KIDS DOING INTERNET STUFF, I FINALLY 237 00:14:22,528 --> 00:14:23,629 UNDERSTAND, HEY! 238 00:14:23,696 --> 00:14:28,500 SOON MAY ANOTHER MEME COME, A STAFFER WILL SHOW ME AND I'M 239 00:14:28,567 --> 00:14:28,901 SAY, UM. 240 00:14:28,968 --> 00:14:29,735 WHAT IS THAT? 241 00:14:29,802 --> 00:14:31,804 IT'S MAKING ME MAD. 242 00:14:31,870 --> 00:14:34,840 THEY'LL SAY, WHATEVER DAD. 243 00:14:34,907 --> 00:14:40,813 QUARANTINE-WHILE, ACCORDING TO A NEW STUDY, HORSES DON'T LOVE 244 00:14:40,879 --> 00:14:42,081 SPECIFIC HUMANS. 245 00:14:42,147 --> 00:14:44,917 THERE'S A LOT GOING ON NOW GUYS, DO WE NEED TO BE PUTTING EFFORT 246 00:14:44,984 --> 00:14:47,586 INTO TESTING WHICH ANIMALS DON'T LOVE US? 247 00:14:47,653 --> 00:14:50,623 WELL, NO CURE FOR COVID, YET, BUT WE HAVE DISCOVERED THAT 248 00:14:50,689 --> 00:14:55,194 BUNNIES THINK YOU'RE KIND OF A PITCH. 249 00:14:55,261 --> 00:14:58,831 QUARANTINE-WHILE, IN COLORADO, A SCIENTIST TAUGHT A.I. TO 250 00:14:58,897 --> 00:15:03,535 GENERATE PICKUP LINES USING A LANGUAGE MODEL KNOWN AS G.P.T.3 251 00:15:03,602 --> 00:15:07,139 TO CREATE A SQUAD OF COURTSHIP BOTTS. 252 00:15:07,206 --> 00:15:12,411 SO HOW GOOD ARE THESE BOT-GENERATED COME-ONS? 253 00:15:12,478 --> 00:15:16,849 BUCKLE UP AND BE PREPARED TO BE SWEPT AWAY AS I TREAT YOU TO 254 00:15:16,915 --> 00:15:22,855 REAL A.I. PICKUP LINES. 255 00:15:22,921 --> 00:15:25,324 ( SENSUAL MUSIC ) >> Stephen: I'M LOSING MY 256 00:15:25,391 --> 00:15:28,861 VOICE FROM ALL THE SCREAMING YOUR HOTNESS IS CAUSING ME TO 257 00:15:28,927 --> 00:15:33,198 DO. 258 00:15:33,265 --> 00:15:38,737 YOU LOOK LIKE JESUS, IF WE WERE A BUTLER AT A RUSSIAN MANSION. 259 00:15:38,804 --> 00:15:42,574 CAN I SEE YOUR PARTS LIST? 260 00:15:42,641 --> 00:15:50,115 YOU LOOK LIKE A THING, AND I LOVE YOU! 261 00:15:50,182 --> 00:15:52,785 HEY. 262 00:15:52,851 --> 00:15:54,320 MY NAME IS JOHN SMITH. 263 00:15:54,386 --> 00:15:58,757 WILL YOU SIT ON MY BREAD BOX WHILE I COOK OR IS THERE SOME 264 00:15:58,824 --> 00:16:02,695 KIND OF A SPEED LIMIT ON THAT THING? 265 00:16:02,761 --> 00:16:05,497 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WHEN WE COME BACK, THE COLBERT 266 00:16:05,564 --> 00:16:09,435 QUESTIONAIRE GETS REVEALING ANSWERS FROM TOM HANKS, JOHN 267 00:16:09,501 --> 00:16:12,237 OLIVER, TIFFANY HADDISH AND MORE! 268 00:16:12,304 --> 00:16:13,238 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪♪ 269 00:16:24,116 --> 00:16:25,050 ♪♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 270 00:16:25,117 --> 00:16:30,756 ♪ I FEEL GOOD TODAY ♪ ♪ OH, SO GOOD TODAY ♪ 271 00:16:30,823 --> 00:16:33,092 >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY, WELCOME BACK! 272 00:16:33,158 --> 00:16:35,794 YOU KNOW, FOLKS, WHILE I WAS DOING THE SHOW WITHOUT ANY 273 00:16:35,861 --> 00:16:38,330 AUDIENCE, I HAD TO FIND NEW WAYS TO CONNECT WITH PEOPLE, WHICH IS 274 00:16:38,397 --> 00:16:43,602 ONE OF THE REASONS I CREATED SOMETHING CALLED THE COLBERT 275 00:16:43,669 --> 00:16:46,972 QUESTIONAIRE, A SERIES OF 15 QUESTIONS SCIENTIFICALLY 276 00:16:47,039 --> 00:16:49,708 DESIGNED TO PROBE THE FURTHEST REACHES OF THE HUMAN PSYCHE. 277 00:16:49,775 --> 00:16:54,279 I KNOW THAT SOUNDS CRAZY BUT IT IS A SCIENTIFICALLY VERIFIED 278 00:16:54,346 --> 00:16:55,481 SURVEY. 279 00:16:55,547 --> 00:16:56,582 I'VEED ASK SEVERAL SCIENTISTS AND THEY'VE ASSURED ME, YEAH, 280 00:16:56,648 --> 00:16:57,916 IT'S A SURVEY. 281 00:16:57,983 --> 00:16:59,618 ( LAUGHTER ) SO LET'S LOOK AT SOME OF THE 282 00:16:59,685 --> 00:17:04,723 MOST REVEALING ANSWERS FROM THE COLBERT QUESTIONNAIRE. 283 00:17:04,790 --> 00:17:06,859 JIM? 284 00:17:06,925 --> 00:17:10,896 ♪♪ WHAT IS THE BEST SANDWICH? 285 00:17:10,963 --> 00:17:15,634 >> YOU KNOW, I WOULD PROBABLY TAKE A WAWA BLT. 286 00:17:15,701 --> 00:17:20,506 >> Stephen: OOOH, A ROADSIDE B.L.T. 287 00:17:20,572 --> 00:17:21,240 >> GAS STATION B.L.T. 288 00:17:21,306 --> 00:17:22,641 >> Stephen: A GAS STATION B.L.T. 289 00:17:22,708 --> 00:17:27,846 SO NOT ONLY ARE YOU A LOVER OF A SANDWICH, YOU'RE A GAMBLER. 290 00:17:27,913 --> 00:17:32,117 >> MY WIFE LOVES WAWA, IT'S HER ABSOLUTE FAVORITE THING, SO I 291 00:17:32,184 --> 00:17:38,791 HIRED A CAR TO DRIVE US TO THE NEAREST WAWA SOMEWHERE DEEP IN 292 00:17:38,857 --> 00:17:40,058 NEW JERSEY. 293 00:17:40,125 --> 00:17:42,861 I REMEMBER TALKING TO THE DRIVER SAYING THIS IS WHERE WE'RE GOING 294 00:17:42,928 --> 00:17:43,862 TO GO ON VALENTINE'S DAY. 295 00:17:43,929 --> 00:17:49,735 HE SAID, I'LL DO THIS -- ARE YOU ABSOLUTELY SURE? 296 00:17:49,802 --> 00:17:53,672 WE EVEN BOUGHT HIM A SANDWICH AND SAID, THIS IS WHAT SHE'S 297 00:17:53,739 --> 00:17:58,343 EXCITED FOR, AND HE SAID, "IT'S FINE. 298 00:17:58,410 --> 00:17:59,378 ." 299 00:17:59,445 --> 00:18:01,346 >> Stephen: HAVE YOU EVER ASKED SOMEBODY FOR THEIR 300 00:18:01,413 --> 00:18:01,680 AUTOGRAPH? 301 00:18:01,747 --> 00:18:02,548 >> YES. 302 00:18:02,614 --> 00:18:04,783 >> Stephen: DO YOU MIND TELLING ME WHO? 303 00:18:04,850 --> 00:18:05,417 >> RICHARD NIXON. 304 00:18:05,484 --> 00:18:06,852 >> Stephen: DID YOU GET IT? 305 00:18:06,919 --> 00:18:11,690 I GOT IT, IT WAS ON A MILKY WAY WRAPPER. 306 00:18:11,757 --> 00:18:14,860 MY DAD TOOK ME TO SAN FRANCISCO, I WAS AT A PARADE AND I REACHED 307 00:18:14,927 --> 00:18:17,596 IN AND GOT A WRAPPER AND HE SIGNED IT. 308 00:18:17,663 --> 00:18:20,365 >> Stephen: WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU SHOULD THROW OUT? 309 00:18:20,432 --> 00:18:23,836 >> I GOT A LOT OF UNDERWEARS I SHOULD PROBABLY THROW OUT BUT I 310 00:18:23,902 --> 00:18:28,140 LOVE THEM, THEY'RE MY COMFORT DRAWERS. 311 00:18:28,207 --> 00:18:31,810 >> Stephen: APPLES OR ORANGES, GEORGE? 312 00:18:31,877 --> 00:18:32,845 >> APPLES. 313 00:18:32,911 --> 00:18:34,780 >> Stephen: YOU CAN PUT PEANUT BUTTER ON AN APPLE. 314 00:18:34,847 --> 00:18:37,916 >> YOU CAN DO ANYTHING WITH AN APPLE. 315 00:18:37,983 --> 00:18:40,419 YOU CAN MAKE A BONG OUT OF AN APPLE. 316 00:18:40,486 --> 00:18:44,490 >> Stephen: APPLE BECAUSE YOU CAN PUT PEANUT BUTTER ON AN 317 00:18:44,556 --> 00:18:45,724 APPLE. 318 00:18:45,791 --> 00:18:48,393 >> THAT IS -- THAT MIGHT BE THE MOST AMERICAN THING I'VE EVER 319 00:18:48,460 --> 00:18:49,995 THEARD YOU SAY. 320 00:18:50,062 --> 00:18:54,299 >> OMICS BECAUSE THEY'VE GOT A LOT OF VITAMIN C AND FIBER IN 321 00:18:54,366 --> 00:18:58,103 THEM. 322 00:18:58,170 --> 00:19:00,672 >> Stephen: I GO WITH APPLE BECAUSE YOU CAN PUT PEANUT 323 00:19:00,739 --> 00:19:01,807 BUTTER ON THEM. 324 00:19:01,874 --> 00:19:04,810 >> YEAH, BUT ORANGES YOU CAN PUT VODKA WITH. 325 00:19:04,877 --> 00:19:06,111 >> I'M GOING TO GO WITH ORANGES. 326 00:19:06,178 --> 00:19:09,314 >> Stephen: YOU KNOW YOU CAN'T PUT PEANUT BUTTER ON AN ORANGE. 327 00:19:09,381 --> 00:19:13,418 YOU CAN PUT PEANUT BUTTER ON A SLICE OF APPLE. 328 00:19:13,485 --> 00:19:17,222 >> I DON'T VIEW FRUIT AS A PEANUT BUTTER DELIVERY SYSTEM. 329 00:19:17,289 --> 00:19:20,092 >> Stephen: YOU GET ONE SONG TO LISTEN TO FOR THE REST OF 330 00:19:20,158 --> 00:19:20,859 YOUR LIFE. 331 00:19:20,926 --> 00:19:23,996 WHAT IS IT? 332 00:19:24,062 --> 00:19:24,863 >> "COME TOGETHER." 333 00:19:24,930 --> 00:19:26,632 >> Stephen: WOW. 334 00:19:26,698 --> 00:19:27,232 WOW. 335 00:19:27,299 --> 00:19:28,500 I THINK WE JUST MADE NEWS. 336 00:19:28,567 --> 00:19:30,068 WHY "COME TOGETHER." 337 00:19:30,135 --> 00:19:33,772 >> I JUST THINK IT WORKS PERFECTLY WITH THE BAND AND THE 338 00:19:33,839 --> 00:19:34,873 SONG AND JOHN BEING JOHN. 339 00:19:34,940 --> 00:19:35,674 >> Stephen: RIGHT. 340 00:19:35,741 --> 00:19:36,675 I LOVE THAT MOMENT. 341 00:19:36,742 --> 00:19:41,046 >> Stephen: THE LYRICS ARE MYSTERIOUS AT TIMES. 342 00:19:41,113 --> 00:19:41,813 >> OH, YEAH. 343 00:19:41,880 --> 00:19:43,582 WEREN'T THEY ALWAYS. 344 00:19:43,649 --> 00:19:46,852 >> Stephen: "I WANT TO HOLD YOUR HAND" ISN'T THAT 345 00:19:46,919 --> 00:19:47,786 MYSTERIOUS. 346 00:19:47,853 --> 00:19:50,923 I GET THE IDEA OF "I WANT TO HOLD YOUR HAND." 347 00:19:50,989 --> 00:19:53,425 >> WHICH HAND DOES HE WANT TO HOLD? 348 00:19:53,492 --> 00:19:55,827 ( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: YOU'RE RIGHT, I 349 00:19:55,894 --> 00:19:56,862 APOLOGIZE. 350 00:19:56,929 --> 00:19:58,263 I APOLOGIZE, RINGO. 351 00:19:58,330 --> 00:20:03,435 WHY AM I HERE QUESTIONING RINGO STARRER AND HIS ANALYSIS. 352 00:20:03,502 --> 00:20:09,541 >> OUR LIPS ARE SEALED BY THE GO GOs. 353 00:20:09,608 --> 00:20:10,676 ( LAUGHTER ) WHAT DID I DO? 354 00:20:10,742 --> 00:20:18,417 >> Stephen: YOU DID NOTHING BUT I'M JUST IMAGINING IT -- 355 00:20:18,483 --> 00:20:19,284 FOREVER. 356 00:20:19,351 --> 00:20:22,888 ( HUMMING >> Stephen: I'M SECOND TO NONE 357 00:20:22,955 --> 00:20:30,295 TO MY LOVEABLE LINDA CARLISLE. 358 00:20:30,362 --> 00:20:32,497 ( HUMMING ) >> CAN YOU HEAR THEM TALK ABOUT 359 00:20:32,564 --> 00:20:32,965 US. 360 00:20:33,031 --> 00:20:33,899 >> Stephen: SURE. 361 00:20:33,966 --> 00:20:34,833 TELLING LIES. 362 00:20:34,900 --> 00:20:35,801 THAT'S NO SURPRISE. 363 00:20:35,867 --> 00:20:37,603 CAN YOU LOOK AT THEM, LOOK RIGHT THROUGH THEM. 364 00:20:37,669 --> 00:20:39,371 THEY HAVE A SECT. 365 00:20:39,438 --> 00:20:40,672 NOTHING CAN BE REVEALED. 366 00:20:40,739 --> 00:20:44,543 DOESN'T MATTER WHAT THEY SAY, AND THE JEALOUS GAMES PEOPLE 367 00:20:44,610 --> 00:20:48,647 PLAY, OUR LIPS ARE SEALED! 368 00:20:48,714 --> 00:20:49,648 >> Stephen: ETERNITY. 369 00:20:49,715 --> 00:20:52,718 ( APPLAUSE ) WHAT NUMBER AM I THINKING OF? 370 00:20:52,784 --> 00:20:53,151 >> SIX. 371 00:20:53,218 --> 00:20:54,086 >> Stephen: NO. 372 00:20:54,152 --> 00:20:58,890 DESCRIBE THE REST OF YOUR LIFE IN FIVE WORDS. 373 00:20:58,957 --> 00:21:04,196 >> A, MAGNIFICENT CAVALCADE OF COLOR. 374 00:21:04,262 --> 00:21:11,670 >> SEX, SEX, SEX, LAUGHS, SEX. 375 00:21:11,737 --> 00:21:14,773 DESCRIBE THE REST OF MY LIFE FROM THIS POINT? 376 00:21:14,840 --> 00:21:19,745 >> I HAVE NO ( BLEEP ) IDEA. 377 00:21:19,811 --> 00:21:22,381 >> Stephen: JOHN OLIVER, CONGRATULATIONS. 378 00:21:22,447 --> 00:21:23,115 YOU ARE KNOWN. 379 00:21:23,181 --> 00:21:25,751 >> HEY, I FEEL SEEN. 380 00:21:25,817 --> 00:21:29,221 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: WHEN WE COME BACK, 381 00:21:29,287 --> 00:21:33,492 A NEVER-BEFORE-SEEN COLBERT QUESTIONNAIRE WITH NEIL 382 00:21:33,558 --> 00:21:34,926 DE GRASSE TYSON. 383 00:21:34,993 --> 00:21:35,594 STICK AROUND. 384 00:21:44,936 --> 00:21:53,912 ♪♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 385 00:21:53,979 --> 00:21:54,613 >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY! 386 00:21:54,680 --> 00:21:55,847 WELCOME BACK! 387 00:21:55,914 --> 00:21:59,151 FOLKS, ALL NIGHT WE HAVE BEEN LOOKING AT THE BEST MOMENTS FROM 388 00:21:59,217 --> 00:22:00,252 THE PAST SEASON. 389 00:22:00,318 --> 00:22:02,654 EARLIER I SHOWED YOU SOME OF MY FAVORITE MOMENTS FROM 390 00:22:02,721 --> 00:22:08,593 CELEBRITIES ANSWERING THE FAMED COLBERT QUESTIONERT!, 15 391 00:22:08,660 --> 00:22:09,761 QUESTIONS. 392 00:22:09,828 --> 00:22:14,800 BUT THERE'S ANOTHER QUESTION EVERYBODY IS ASKING, DID FAMED 393 00:22:14,866 --> 00:22:17,302 ASTROPHYSICIST KNEEL KNEEL EVER TAKE THE QUESTIONER IN A 394 00:22:17,369 --> 00:22:19,838 SEGMENT NEVER BEFORE BROADCAST? 395 00:22:19,905 --> 00:22:20,639 GREAT QUESTION. 396 00:22:20,706 --> 00:22:26,812 TO FIND OUT THE ANSWER, WATCH THIS. 397 00:22:26,878 --> 00:22:28,747 ♪♪ >> Stephen: NEIL DE GRASSE 398 00:22:28,814 --> 00:22:32,818 TYSON, WHAT IS THE BEST SANDWICH? 399 00:22:32,884 --> 00:22:36,188 >> I GOTTA SAY A NATHAN'S HOT DOG. 400 00:22:36,254 --> 00:22:39,691 AND DON'T GET ON MY CASE ABOUT -- 401 00:22:39,758 --> 00:22:42,260 >> Stephen: YOU'RE A MAN OF SCIENCE! 402 00:22:42,327 --> 00:22:43,595 HOW CAN YOU NOT APPROACH THAT QUESTION. 403 00:22:43,662 --> 00:22:46,098 IS A HOT DOG A SANDWICH? 404 00:22:46,164 --> 00:22:49,501 >> JUST BECAUSE IT HAS A HINGE DOESN'T MEAN IT'S NOT A 405 00:22:49,568 --> 00:22:50,602 SANDWICH. 406 00:22:50,669 --> 00:22:53,872 A HERO AND SUBWAY SANDWICH, THEY WERE THEY HAVE HINGES. 407 00:22:53,939 --> 00:22:55,841 NOBODY'S DEBATING WHETHER OR NOT THEY'RE SANDWICHES. 408 00:22:55,907 --> 00:22:59,611 IF THERE'S A SLAB OF MEAT IN BETWEEN BREAD AND YOU EAT IT 409 00:22:59,678 --> 00:23:03,014 WITH YOUR HANDS AND NOT A KNIFE AND FORK IT'S A SANDWICH. 410 00:23:03,081 --> 00:23:04,049 NEXT QUESTION. 411 00:23:04,116 --> 00:23:08,820 >> Stephen: HAVE YOU EVER ASKED SOMEONE FOR THEIR 412 00:23:08,887 --> 00:23:09,254 AUTOGRAPH? 413 00:23:09,321 --> 00:23:10,455 >> YES, I HAVE. 414 00:23:10,522 --> 00:23:15,327 I ASKED JOAN RIVERS FOR HER AUTOGRAPH IN THE CBS ED SULLIVAN 415 00:23:15,393 --> 00:23:18,530 THEATER IN THE 1960s BECAUSE WE HAVE A RELATIVE WHO PERFORMED 416 00:23:18,597 --> 00:23:21,566 WITH THE FIFTH DIMENSION WHO ALSO PERFORMED THAT NIGHT AND 417 00:23:21,633 --> 00:23:25,737 SHE WAS ONE TO HAVE THE COMEDIC GUESTS AND I WAITED AT THE STAGE 418 00:23:25,804 --> 00:23:29,941 DOOR AND SHE CAME OUT AND I GOT HER AUTOGRAPH AND I WAS A LITTLE 419 00:23:30,008 --> 00:23:31,042 KID AT THE TIME. 420 00:23:31,109 --> 00:23:34,746 >> Stephen: YOU HAVE A RELATIVE WHO PERFORMED WITH THE 421 00:23:34,813 --> 00:23:35,547 FIFTH DIMENSION. 422 00:23:35,614 --> 00:23:40,452 >> A RANGER FOR THE FIFTH DIMENSION. 423 00:23:40,519 --> 00:23:45,323 ♪ UP UP AND AWAY! ♪ ( LAUGHTER ) 424 00:23:45,390 --> 00:23:46,224 LEAST FAVORITE SMELL. 425 00:23:46,291 --> 00:23:47,492 >> HIRED JEN SULFIDE. 426 00:23:47,559 --> 00:23:53,498 NOT ONLY BECAUSETH DEADLY BUT IT SMELLS LIKE ROTTEN EGGS AND GAS 427 00:23:53,565 --> 00:23:55,167 JUST EVE FLUENCES -- >> Stephen: THAT'S SCIENCE 428 00:23:55,233 --> 00:23:58,603 TALK FOR FARTS, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. 429 00:23:58,670 --> 00:24:00,772 >> YOU LOWERED YOURSELF TO SAY THAT WORD. 430 00:24:00,839 --> 00:24:04,309 I'M JUST SAYING THAT WAS AN UNPLEASANT SMELL FOR MOST PEOPLE 431 00:24:04,376 --> 00:24:05,443 BUT APPARENTLY NOT FOR DOGS. 432 00:24:05,510 --> 00:24:08,780 >> Stephen: YOU GET ONE SONG TO LISTEN TO FOR THE REST OF 433 00:24:08,847 --> 00:24:10,081 YOUR LIFE. 434 00:24:10,148 --> 00:24:12,784 WHAT IS IT? 435 00:24:12,851 --> 00:24:16,588 >> OOOH... 436 00:24:16,655 --> 00:24:22,794 I WOULD SAY IT'S -- AH -- GIVE ME A SECOND -- THE STICK SONG -- 437 00:24:22,861 --> 00:24:25,197 UM -- > 438 00:24:25,263 --> 00:24:29,668 ♪ I'M SAILING AWAY ♪ ♪ SET AN OPEN COURSE FOR THE 439 00:24:29,734 --> 00:24:31,636 VIRGIN SEA ♪ >> LITTLE KNOWN FACT ABOUT THAT 440 00:24:31,703 --> 00:24:35,040 SONG, THE ENDING IS AN AIL JEN ABDUCTION. 441 00:24:35,106 --> 00:24:35,674 LISTEN TO IT. 442 00:24:35,740 --> 00:24:37,776 >> Stephen: OH, I KNEW THAT. 443 00:24:37,843 --> 00:24:38,777 YOU KNEW -- ( LAUGHTER ) 444 00:24:38,844 --> 00:24:40,579 >> Stephen: I KNEW THAT. 445 00:24:40,645 --> 00:24:44,783 I GREW UP IN THE '70s, MY MAN. 446 00:24:44,850 --> 00:24:45,984 SURE! 447 00:24:46,051 --> 00:24:49,821 ♪ RAN INTO THAT STARSHIP ♪ ♪ AND THIS IS WHAT THEY SAID ♪ 448 00:24:49,888 --> 00:24:52,791 THEY SAY STAR SHIP, IT'S NOT A SECRET. 449 00:24:52,858 --> 00:24:54,593 WENT ABOARD A STARSHIP. 450 00:24:54,659 --> 00:24:57,963 >> YOU WERE IN THE MODE AND YOU MIGHT HAVE NOT REALIZED THAT. 451 00:24:58,029 --> 00:25:03,301 IT STARTS OUT BY SAYING ANGELS CAME BY TO WHISK ME AWAY BUT IT 452 00:25:03,368 --> 00:25:05,871 WASN'T ANGELS, IT WAS ALIENS. 453 00:25:05,937 --> 00:25:10,508 EVERY TIME 'EM OUT UNDER THE STARS WHEN I'M NOT OBSERVING AS 454 00:25:10,575 --> 00:25:14,212 A SCIENTIST, I LONG TO BE ABDUCTED BY ALIENS. 455 00:25:14,279 --> 00:25:15,647 THAT WOULD BE THE FUNNEST EVER. 456 00:25:15,714 --> 00:25:20,685 >> Stephen: THERE ARE NOT ENOUGH POP SONGS ABOUT ALIEN 457 00:25:20,752 --> 00:25:21,620 ABDUCTION. 458 00:25:21,686 --> 00:25:23,655 ( LAUGHTER ) NEIL, WHAT NUMBER AM I THINKING 459 00:25:23,722 --> 00:25:24,789 OF? 460 00:25:24,856 --> 00:25:25,223 >> 13. 461 00:25:25,290 --> 00:25:26,157 >> Stephen: NO. 462 00:25:26,224 --> 00:25:28,760 DESCRIBE THE REST OF YOUR LIFE IN FIVE WORDS. 463 00:25:28,827 --> 00:25:30,328 >> FIVE WORDS? 464 00:25:30,395 --> 00:25:38,870 >> Stephen: YEAH. 465 00:25:38,937 --> 00:25:47,445 INSABREABLY CURIOUS TILL I DIE. 466 00:25:47,512 --> 00:25:50,916 >> Stephen: NEIL DE GRASSE TYSON, CONGRATULATIONS. 467 00:25:50,982 --> 00:25:54,085 YOU ARE KNOWN. 468 00:25:54,152 --> 00:25:56,187 NEIL DE GRASSE TYSON, EVERYBODY. 469 00:25:56,254 --> 00:26:00,992 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪♪ 470 00:26:01,059 --> 00:26:02,027 >> Stephen: WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK. 471 00:26:02,093 --> 00:26:03,361 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪♪ 472 00:26:28,386 --> 00:26:38,430 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪♪ 473 00:26:38,496 --> 00:26:39,297 >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY! 474 00:26:39,364 --> 00:26:40,665 WELCOME BACK! 475 00:26:40,732 --> 00:26:44,803 LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, TONIGHT WE ARE CELEBRATING SOME OF THE BEST 476 00:26:44,869 --> 00:26:46,938 MOMENTS FROM THE SHOWS I DID WITHOUT AN AUDIENCE. 477 00:26:47,005 --> 00:26:50,475 SO AS A WARNING, WHAT YOU'RE ABOUT TO SEE ARE A BUNCH OF 478 00:26:50,542 --> 00:26:55,213 CLIPS FROM THE RECENT PAST AND NOT -- I REPEAT NOT -- YOUR LIFE 479 00:26:55,280 --> 00:26:56,481 FLASHING BEFORE YOUR EYES. 480 00:26:56,548 --> 00:27:01,019 SO IF YOUR LIFE CONSISTS MOSTLY FROM CLIPS FROM MY SHOW, I'D SAY 481 00:27:01,086 --> 00:27:05,657 THAT'S A LIFE WELL LIVED. 482 00:27:05,724 --> 00:27:08,526 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) NOW, FOR THE FIRST TIME WITH AN 483 00:27:08,593 --> 00:27:11,696 AUDENCE, SOME OF MY FAVORITE GUEST APPEARANCES FROM BEFORE I 484 00:27:11,763 --> 00:27:14,833 RETURNED TO THE THEATER. 485 00:27:14,899 --> 00:27:15,967 JIM? 486 00:27:16,034 --> 00:27:17,836 >> Stephen: PLEASE WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW," CHRIS ROCK. 487 00:27:17,902 --> 00:27:20,472 HELLO, CHRIS ROCK. 488 00:27:20,538 --> 00:27:21,072 >> WOW, NO MUSIC, NOTHING. 489 00:27:21,139 --> 00:27:22,307 >> Stephen: NO. 490 00:27:22,374 --> 00:27:24,909 WELCOME TO THE DESERT. 491 00:27:24,976 --> 00:27:29,080 >> WOW, THOSE CHARLIE ROSE PILLS ARE TICK KICKING IN, MAN! 492 00:27:29,147 --> 00:27:35,020 ( LAUGHTER ) WOW. 493 00:27:35,086 --> 00:27:40,325 >> Stephen: YOU RECENTLY RECORDED FEARLESS TAYLOR'S 494 00:27:40,392 --> 00:27:45,964 VERSION, SO IS THE SONG "HEY STEPHEN" ABOUT ME? 495 00:27:46,031 --> 00:27:49,100 >> NO, I FIRST RECORDED THAT SONG IN 2008. 496 00:27:49,167 --> 00:27:53,071 I THINK I WAS, LIKE, 18. 497 00:27:53,138 --> 00:27:55,540 >> Stephen: >> Stephen: YEAH, I WAS ALSO A 498 00:27:55,607 --> 00:27:56,708 YOUNGER AGE. 499 00:27:56,775 --> 00:28:00,478 >> YOU WERE PROBABLY ABOUT 44 YEARS, 179 DAYS OLD, GIVE OR 500 00:28:00,545 --> 00:28:02,280 TAKE SEVERAL HOURS. 501 00:28:02,347 --> 00:28:04,449 >> Stephen: WOW, THAT IS SHOCKINGLY SPECIFIC. 502 00:28:04,516 --> 00:28:06,918 I'M WALKING BACKSTAGE. 503 00:28:06,985 --> 00:28:07,719 >> YES. 504 00:28:07,786 --> 00:28:11,623 >> Stephen: WHO'S LOOKING TOWARD ME? 505 00:28:11,689 --> 00:28:16,061 >> LET'S NOT KID OURSELVES, WE BOTH STOPPED FLAT IN OUR TRACKS. 506 00:28:16,127 --> 00:28:21,266 SEPARATED AT BIRTH. LONG LOST BROTHERS DOPPLEGANGER, IT'S LIKE 507 00:28:21,332 --> 00:28:25,370 LOOKING IN A MIRROR, YOU FROZE. 508 00:28:25,437 --> 00:28:32,911 I AM A FAN, IT WAS LIKE OH WAIT, ONE OF US HAS TO DIE NOW. 509 00:28:32,977 --> 00:28:37,415 THIS IS ONE OF THOSE CLONE MOVIES NO SHOOT HIM. 510 00:28:37,482 --> 00:28:41,920 ARE YOU SURE HEY STEPHEN ISN'T ABOUT ME. 511 00:28:41,986 --> 00:28:45,557 IT'S JUST THE POWER OF MUSIC, STEPHEN, THEY JUST MAKE YOU FEEL 512 00:28:45,623 --> 00:28:47,559 LIKE IT'S ABOUT YOU, BUT, I MEAN, 513 00:28:47,625 --> 00:28:49,928 I MEAN, HEY STEPHEN DEFINITELY IS A GOOD SONG. 514 00:28:49,994 --> 00:28:52,664 THANK YOU, YEAH IT WAS REALLY FUN TO RECORD IT AGAIN, IN FACT, 515 00:28:52,730 --> 00:28:55,934 TO GET ME BACK INTO THE SAME HEAD SPACE AS WHEN I WROTE IT, I 516 00:28:56,000 --> 00:28:57,135 JUST WANTED IT TO BE REALLY 517 00:28:57,202 --> 00:29:04,542 AUTHENTIC AS AN EXPERIENCE, SO I DUG OUT MY OLD MOOD BOARD. 518 00:29:04,609 --> 00:29:13,118 OKAY, UM, TAYLOR THOSE ARE ALL PICTUES OF ME. 519 00:29:13,184 --> 00:29:17,755 NO, THIS IS A PIZZA. 520 00:29:17,822 --> 00:29:20,558 THIS IS THE ONLY PHOTO OF ME PLAYING TENNIS, I WANTED TO GET 521 00:29:20,625 --> 00:29:29,334 YOUR OPINION ON MY STYLE. THIS IS ME AGAINST JAMES BLAKE. THIS 522 00:29:29,400 --> 00:29:31,236 IS ME ATTEMPTING TO JUMP OVER. 523 00:29:31,302 --> 00:29:39,310 IT LOOKS LIKE YOU GOT CAUGHT UP THERE IN A FEW DIFFERENT WAYS, 524 00:29:39,377 --> 00:29:42,547 YOUR STYLE COULD BE A LITTLE MORE MODERN. 525 00:29:42,614 --> 00:29:45,650 I'M ALWAYS ABOUT THE 80S. 526 00:29:45,717 --> 00:29:50,488 I'M CLASSIC. 527 00:29:50,555 --> 00:29:51,589 IT COULD BE A LITTLE LOOSER. 528 00:29:51,656 --> 00:29:59,097 A LITTLE LOOSER, ON THE BOTTOM. 529 00:29:59,164 --> 00:30:03,268 REALLY, AND THIS IS NOT VANITY, IT REALLY SEEMS LIKE THE SONG IS 530 00:30:03,334 --> 00:30:05,470 ABOUT ME. 531 00:30:05,537 --> 00:30:09,474 YOU FLATTER YOURSELF. HEY STEPHEN IS NOT ABOUT YOU. 532 00:30:09,541 --> 00:30:13,011 ANY MORE THAN 1989 IS NOT ABOUT THAT YEAR YOU SPENT WAITING 533 00:30:13,077 --> 00:30:16,614 TABLES, ON THE LUNCH SHIFT, AT SKOOZIE, AN ITALIAN RESTAURANT, 534 00:30:16,681 --> 00:30:19,851 IN THE RIVER NORTH AREA OF CHICAGO, WHICH BY THE WAY, 535 00:30:19,918 --> 00:30:22,921 SERVES A REALLY INCREDIBLE SLICE OF PIZZA. 536 00:30:22,987 --> 00:30:25,957 HOW DO YOU EVEN KNOW THAT? 537 00:30:26,024 --> 00:30:29,294 DR. FAUCI, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING HERE. 538 00:30:29,360 --> 00:30:31,296 THANK YOU FOR HAVING ME STEPHEN. 539 00:30:31,362 --> 00:30:35,166 I WANT TO HAVE YOU ON FOR A YEAR. WE TRIED TO HAVE YOU ON 540 00:30:35,233 --> 00:30:40,471 EVERY WEEK FOR A YEAR. AROUND JANUARY 20TH, YOUR SCHEDULE 541 00:30:40,538 --> 00:30:44,542 REALLY OPENED UP WHAT CHANGED? 542 00:30:44,609 --> 00:30:47,645 EVERYTHING. 543 00:30:47,712 --> 00:30:50,615 HAVE YOU EVER FANTASIZED ABOUT DUMPING A HORSES HEAD INTO RAND 544 00:30:50,682 --> 00:30:54,118 PAUL'S BED? 545 00:30:54,185 --> 00:30:58,323 NO NO, BUT I THINK HE MAY HAVE FANTASIZED ABOUT DOING IT THE 546 00:30:58,389 --> 00:31:00,592 OTHER WAY WITH ME. 547 00:31:00,658 --> 00:31:06,598 I'VE NEVER REVEALED THIS BEFORE TO ANYONE, BUT HEY STEPHEN IS 548 00:31:06,664 --> 00:31:08,499 ABOUT STEPHEN KING. 549 00:31:08,566 --> 00:31:11,903 DO YOU HAVE A BIDEN? HAVE YOU WORKED ON YOUR BIDEN YET? 550 00:31:11,970 --> 00:31:17,809 HERE'S THE DEAL, I'M NOT KIDDING AROUND. NO JOKE. MY DAD LOST 551 00:31:17,875 --> 00:31:20,645 HIS JOB IN SCRANTON, I LOST MY DOG. I'M NOT KIDDING, I'M NOT 552 00:31:20,712 --> 00:31:23,114 BEING A WISE GUY. 553 00:31:23,181 --> 00:31:24,349 AND HE ALWAYS DOES THE LIST. 554 00:31:24,415 --> 00:31:28,253 NUMBER ONE, THE ONE PART. NUMBER TWO, WHAT THEY SAID. 555 00:31:28,319 --> 00:31:33,224 NUMBER THREE, YOU GET THE DRILL. COME ON. 556 00:31:33,291 --> 00:31:36,794 THAT'S NOT GOOD. COME ON. THAT'S WHAT PEOPLE SAID. 557 00:31:36,861 --> 00:31:40,131 NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU INSIST THAT HEY STEPHEN ISN'T ABOUT ME, 558 00:31:40,198 --> 00:31:44,736 I KEEP GETTING THE STRONG FEELING THAT IT IS. 559 00:31:44,802 --> 00:31:48,906 THAT'S REALLY, THAT SEEMS LIKE A YOU THING. FOR YOU TO SORT OF 560 00:31:48,973 --> 00:31:51,943 PROCESS. 561 00:31:52,010 --> 00:31:54,979 THE THING ABOUT THAT FEELING, THAT I THINK THAT MAYBE YOU 562 00:31:55,046 --> 00:31:58,049 SHOULD ADDRESS, WITHIN YOURSELF, I THINK IT'S SOMETHING THAT YOU 563 00:31:58,116 --> 00:32:00,918 SHOULD PROCESS, AND THEN TAKE 564 00:32:00,985 --> 00:32:02,320 THE FEELING THAT YOU ARE FEELING. 565 00:32:02,387 --> 00:32:04,355 YES MY VALID FEELING. 566 00:32:04,422 --> 00:32:08,993 AND SHAKE IT OFF. RIGHT? BUT THAT SONG, IS ABOUT YOU. 567 00:32:09,060 --> 00:32:11,763 (PHONE RINGS) I HAVE TO TAKE THIS. 568 00:32:11,829 --> 00:32:13,831 OH, IT'S STEPHEN KING. I HAVE TO GO. 569 00:32:13,898 --> 00:32:16,534 HEY STEPHEN. 570 00:32:16,601 --> 00:32:21,339 TAYLOR SWIFT EVERYBODY, I KNEW IT! I KNEW IT! 571 00:32:21,406 --> 00:32:26,077 WHEN WE COME BACK, I GET UP CLOSE AND PERSONAL WITH JOHN 572 00:32:26,144 --> 00:32:28,246 KRASINSKI, STICK AROUND. 573 00:32:38,056 --> 00:32:43,061 ♪♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 574 00:32:43,127 --> 00:32:44,595 >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY! 575 00:32:44,662 --> 00:32:45,830 WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW." 576 00:32:45,897 --> 00:32:47,732 FOLKS, I SPENT MOST OF THE LAST YEAR AND A HALF DOING THE SHOW 577 00:32:47,799 --> 00:32:51,669 WITH NO AUDIENCE OR GUESTS BESIDES, OF COURSE, MY WIFE 578 00:32:51,736 --> 00:32:52,470 EVIE. 579 00:32:52,537 --> 00:32:54,572 BUT THERE WAS ONE NOTABLE EXCEPTION. 580 00:32:54,639 --> 00:32:59,744 BACK IN MAY, ACTOR/DIRECTOR/EMILY BLUNT'S 581 00:32:59,811 --> 00:33:03,748 HUSBAND JOHN KRASINSKI WAS NICE ENOUGH TO JOIN ME IN THE STORAGE 582 00:33:03,815 --> 00:33:04,949 CLOSET. 583 00:33:05,016 --> 00:33:08,119 IF YOU EVER WONDERED WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE TRAPPED IN A SMALL 584 00:33:08,186 --> 00:33:13,458 SPACE WITH JOHN KRASINSKI, I REMEMBER WATCHING "A QUIET 585 00:33:13,524 --> 00:33:14,592 PLACE." 586 00:33:14,659 --> 00:33:19,564 BUT IF YOU WANT THE SAME EXPERIENCE WITH LESS TALKING AND 587 00:33:19,630 --> 00:33:25,169 LESS AIL ANYDISMEMBERMENT, LOOK AT THIS. 588 00:33:25,236 --> 00:33:35,113 IT'S A VERY SPECIAL DAY IN THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER STORAGE 589 00:33:35,179 --> 00:33:38,683 CLOSE EST, MR. JOHN KRASINSKI IS HERE TO TALK ABOUT HIS NEW MOVIE 590 00:33:38,750 --> 00:33:40,184 "A QUIET PLACE TWO." 591 00:33:40,251 --> 00:33:41,853 HE'S COME TO THE RIGHT SPOT. 592 00:33:41,919 --> 00:33:45,056 FOR THE LAST YEAR, THERE HAS BEEN NO QUIETER PLACE ON EARTH 593 00:33:45,123 --> 00:33:46,290 THAN THIS ROOM. 594 00:33:46,357 --> 00:33:48,760 I'VE GOT TO TELL YOU, THERE'S NOTHING LIKE TELLING A JOKE AND 595 00:33:48,826 --> 00:33:50,661 THEN HEARING YOUR OWN HEART BEAT. 596 00:33:50,728 --> 00:33:52,663 ANYWAY, THANKS FOR BEING HERE, JOHN. 597 00:33:52,730 --> 00:33:53,731 >> SO GOOD TO BE HERE. 598 00:33:53,798 --> 00:33:55,333 >> Stephen: THANK YOU FOR BEING IN THE SECOND CHAIR. 599 00:33:55,400 --> 00:33:59,103 WHEN I SAID, THEY SAID, DO YOU WANT TO HAVE JOHN KRASINSKI BE 600 00:33:59,170 --> 00:34:00,872 YOUR FIRST LIVE IN PERSON GUEST. 601 00:34:00,938 --> 00:34:03,207 I SAID, SURE, THAT WOULD BE GREAT. 602 00:34:03,274 --> 00:34:04,842 EVIE SAID WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT. 603 00:34:04,909 --> 00:34:07,245 >> THAT'S RIGHTICS BACK OFF, BUDDY. 604 00:34:07,311 --> 00:34:08,913 >> I COULD FEEL THE COMPETITION. 605 00:34:08,980 --> 00:34:11,649 THERE'S A WALL OF TENSION. 606 00:34:11,716 --> 00:34:14,085 >> EXACTLY, WE WERE GOING TO SILT YOU IN THAT CHAIR AND SHE 607 00:34:14,152 --> 00:34:19,757 SAID -- I MEAN, SHE'S OBVIOUSLY A LADY, SHE SAID ( BLEEP ), 608 00:34:19,824 --> 00:34:22,960 THAT'S MY CHAIR. 609 00:34:23,027 --> 00:34:24,796 KRASINSKI CAN GET IN THE RUMBLE SEAT. 610 00:34:24,862 --> 00:34:29,734 >> I HAVEN'T SEEN A SWITCHBLADE SINCE 1976 AND SHE PULLED ONE 611 00:34:29,801 --> 00:34:30,201 OUT. 612 00:34:30,268 --> 00:34:30,768 >> WE PLAY ROUGH. 613 00:34:30,835 --> 00:34:32,036 SHE SAID, I'LL CUT YOU. 614 00:34:32,103 --> 00:34:35,773 >> Stephen: AS A FORMER WAITER MYSELF, I CAN SAY THAT IS GREAT 615 00:34:35,840 --> 00:34:38,509 NEWS FOR THE LUNCH SHIFT. 616 00:34:38,576 --> 00:34:43,114 THEY NO LONGER HAVE TO SAY, I'M GOING TO LAY THIS DOWN, TAKE 617 00:34:43,181 --> 00:34:45,283 YOUR TIME, WE'RE CHANGING SHIFTS. 618 00:34:45,349 --> 00:34:49,020 CONNOR WILL TAKE CARE OF YOU, AND IF YOU DON'T PAY NOW, I 619 00:34:49,086 --> 00:34:53,090 DON'T GET THE TIP, CONNOR DIDN'T DO ANYTHING FOR YOU. 620 00:34:53,157 --> 00:34:58,563 I'M GOING TO GO TO THE PREP STATION AND ROLL SILVER WEAR AND 621 00:34:58,629 --> 00:35:03,568 EAT FREE ROLLS TILL MY SOUL FALLS OUT OF MY AS. 622 00:35:03,634 --> 00:35:05,837 ( APPLAUSE ) DID YOU WAIT TABLES? 623 00:35:05,903 --> 00:35:06,337 >> SHEWEL. 624 00:35:06,404 --> 00:35:07,371 >> Stephen: YOU DID. 625 00:35:07,438 --> 00:35:11,742 EVEN AFTER THE PILOT OF THE OFFICE I WADE TABLES. 626 00:35:11,809 --> 00:35:14,111 >> Stephen: WHAT KIND OF PLACE? 627 00:35:14,178 --> 00:35:17,081 >> AT THE TIME I WAS AT THE ODION DOWNTOWN. 628 00:35:17,148 --> 00:35:21,552 >> Stephen: WHAT IS THAT? 629 00:35:21,619 --> 00:35:22,386 RESTAURANT. 630 00:35:22,453 --> 00:35:25,323 .>> Stephen: I'M A MAN OF THE PEOPLE. 631 00:35:25,389 --> 00:35:29,527 I DON'T KNOW YOUR FANCY -- >> IT'S NOT FANCY. 632 00:35:29,594 --> 00:35:30,127 IT'S HISTORIC. 633 00:35:30,194 --> 00:35:31,596 THIS IS CULTURE OVER HERE. 634 00:35:31,662 --> 00:35:34,131 WE'LL TALK ABOUT CULTURE. 635 00:35:34,198 --> 00:35:36,567 >> Stephen: WE'RE ALL INTO NEW YORK CITY. 636 00:35:36,634 --> 00:35:39,937 >> Stephen: WE'LL EDIT THAT OUT. 637 00:35:40,004 --> 00:35:42,039 WOULD YOU LIKE SOMETHING TO DRINK? 638 00:35:42,106 --> 00:35:42,773 >> WHAT ARE YOU HAVING. 639 00:35:42,840 --> 00:35:44,909 >> Stephen: BOURBON. 640 00:35:44,976 --> 00:35:46,043 MM-HMM. 641 00:35:46,110 --> 00:35:48,012 >> Stephen: SO, JOHN, THE LAST TIME WE WERE TOGETHER WAS 642 00:35:48,079 --> 00:35:53,518 MARCH 9th, 2020. 643 00:35:53,584 --> 00:35:54,519 ( LAUGHTER ) >> OH! 644 00:35:54,585 --> 00:35:55,620 >> Stephen: THERE YOU GO. 645 00:35:55,686 --> 00:35:59,690 OH, YEAH, THEY CALL THAT THE COVID MANHATTAN. 646 00:35:59,757 --> 00:36:02,860 >> Stephen: MM-HMM, MM-HMM. 647 00:36:02,927 --> 00:36:05,429 OH, THERE IT IS. 648 00:36:05,496 --> 00:36:05,897 PERFECT. 649 00:36:05,963 --> 00:36:09,200 THAT WILL KILL IT. 650 00:36:09,267 --> 00:36:09,867 OW! 651 00:36:09,934 --> 00:36:11,903 ( BLEEP ) ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? 652 00:36:11,969 --> 00:36:13,538 ( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: NOW, THE LAST TIME 653 00:36:13,604 --> 00:36:18,843 WE WERE TOGETHER WAS MARCH 9th O THREE DAYS BEFORE WE HAD TO BUG 654 00:36:18,910 --> 00:36:20,878 OUT BECAUSE EVERYTHING SHUT DOWN. 655 00:36:20,945 --> 00:36:21,979 >> THAT'S RIGHT. 656 00:36:22,046 --> 00:36:24,916 >> Stephen: AND YOU WERE HERE FOR THIS LITTLE PROJECT 657 00:36:24,982 --> 00:36:29,554 CALLED -- >> "A QUIET PLACE PART TWO," 10. 658 00:36:29,620 --> 00:36:30,788 THIS IS 2.0. 659 00:36:30,855 --> 00:36:33,558 >> Stephen: AND I WANT TO TAKE A LOOK AT THE ENTRANCE WHEN YOU 660 00:36:33,624 --> 00:36:35,693 WERE HERE OVER A YEAR AGO. 661 00:36:35,760 --> 00:36:36,727 >> YEAH. 662 00:36:36,794 --> 00:36:42,567 >> Stephen: YOU CAN GET A SENSE WE'RE BEGINNING TO 663 00:36:42,633 --> 00:36:45,336 UNDERSTAND SOMETHING BAD WAS COMING DOWN THE PIKE. 664 00:36:45,403 --> 00:36:46,537 WE WEREN'T QUITE SURE. 665 00:36:46,604 --> 00:36:51,442 >> BEFORE I WENT OUT, SOMEBODY WAS, LIKE, YOU'RE NOT GOING TO 666 00:36:51,509 --> 00:36:53,978 TOUCH HIM, ARE YOU? 667 00:36:54,045 --> 00:36:58,082 AND THEY SAID, AND JOHN KRASINSKI, AND I WAS GOING, AM I 668 00:36:58,149 --> 00:36:58,916 NOT SUPPOSED TO? 669 00:36:58,983 --> 00:37:00,785 AS I WAS GOING ON STAGE. 670 00:37:00,851 --> 00:37:02,420 ( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: WHAT'S THE 671 00:37:02,486 --> 00:37:04,422 SCARIEST ANIMAL? 672 00:37:04,488 --> 00:37:05,256 >> CROCODILE. 673 00:37:05,323 --> 00:37:06,524 ANYTHING THAT HAS THE TERM DEATH ROLL. 674 00:37:06,591 --> 00:37:10,995 NOT ONLY THE BITE'S NOT BAD ENOUGH, NOW YOU'VE GOT TO ROLL 675 00:37:11,062 --> 00:37:12,229 ME. 676 00:37:12,296 --> 00:37:15,533 >> Stephen: WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF A CROCODILE WAS CRABBING YOU 677 00:37:15,600 --> 00:37:18,369 AND TAKING YOU TO THE WATER, WHAT WOULD YOU DO. 678 00:37:18,436 --> 00:37:21,839 >> I GENUINELY THINK I WOULD JUST YELL NO! 679 00:37:21,906 --> 00:37:22,406 NO! 680 00:37:22,473 --> 00:37:22,707 NO! 681 00:37:22,773 --> 00:37:23,374 I WOULD. 682 00:37:23,441 --> 00:37:26,410 >> Stephen: FLAT OR SPARKLING. 683 00:37:26,477 --> 00:37:28,379 FLAT. 684 00:37:28,446 --> 00:37:31,182 ARE WE GOING TO EDIT THAT OUT? 685 00:37:31,248 --> 00:37:33,718 BECAUSE THAT HURT MY FEELINGS. 686 00:37:33,784 --> 00:37:40,491 >> Stephen: HOW STRONG ARE YOU THESE DAYS, BY THE WAY? 687 00:37:40,558 --> 00:37:41,592 >> OH, GOD... 688 00:37:41,659 --> 00:37:43,494 THIS IS NOT SMART, HON. 689 00:37:43,561 --> 00:37:46,030 THERE COULD BE AN INJURY, STEPHEN. 690 00:37:46,097 --> 00:37:47,264 >> Stephen: THERE'S NOT GOING TO BE AN INJURY. 691 00:37:47,331 --> 00:37:48,065 COME ON. 692 00:37:48,132 --> 00:37:50,368 >> WE HAVE TO DO THE -- YEAH, OKAY. 693 00:37:50,434 --> 00:37:51,302 HERE WE GO. 694 00:37:51,369 --> 00:37:53,571 >> Stephen: SURE, YOU WANT TO DO THIS THING? 695 00:37:53,638 --> 00:37:54,472 >> WHAT IS THIS? 696 00:37:54,538 --> 00:37:57,541 >> Stephen: YOU DON'T ARM WRESTLE DO YOU. 697 00:37:57,608 --> 00:37:58,709 >> NO. 698 00:37:58,776 --> 00:38:00,144 >> Stephen: YOU HAVE TO PUT THE BACK OF MY HAND HERE AND I 699 00:38:00,211 --> 00:38:02,279 PUT THE BACK OF YOUR HAND HERE. 700 00:38:02,346 --> 00:38:03,581 DO YOU KNOW THAT MUCH? 701 00:38:03,648 --> 00:38:04,148 >> SURE. 702 00:38:04,215 --> 00:38:05,049 >> Stephen: HERE WE GO. 703 00:38:05,116 --> 00:38:10,421 I WANT YOU TO KNOW, THIS IS NOT PERSONAL. 704 00:38:10,488 --> 00:38:11,088 READY? 705 00:38:11,155 --> 00:38:12,957 EVIE, SAY ONE, TWO, THREE GO. 706 00:38:13,024 --> 00:38:15,526 >> CAN WE DO A STARING CONTEST. 707 00:38:15,593 --> 00:38:16,460 >> Stephen: SURE. 708 00:38:16,527 --> 00:38:19,263 THERE'S NO WAY WE HAVE TIME FOR THIS, RIGHT? 709 00:38:19,330 --> 00:38:20,031 >> OH, MY GOD. 710 00:38:20,097 --> 00:38:21,966 >> Stephen: THIS IS INTERNET EXTRA. 711 00:38:22,033 --> 00:38:24,435 >> CORNED WILL GET IT. 712 00:38:24,502 --> 00:38:29,340 WE'RE JUST GOING TO PUSH INTO A LITTLE BIT OF HIS TIME. 713 00:38:29,407 --> 00:38:34,412 ( LAUGHTER ) > 714 00:38:34,478 --> 00:38:38,416 READY, ONE, TWO, THREE GO. 715 00:38:38,482 --> 00:38:44,488 ( LAUGHTER ) >> YOU'RE YOUNGER, YOU'RE STRONG 716 00:38:44,555 --> 00:38:50,428 BUT I'M OLD AND WILEY. 717 00:38:50,494 --> 00:38:55,800 ( LAUGHTER ) ( JOHN GRUNTING ) 718 00:38:55,866 --> 00:38:58,402 >> I DIDN'T KNOW WE WERE REALLY DOING IT! 719 00:38:58,469 --> 00:39:08,713 >> Stephen: YOU'RE NOT TRYING! 720 00:39:08,779 --> 00:39:09,346 ( WHIMPERING ) ( APPLAUSE ) 721 00:39:09,413 --> 00:39:13,984 >> Stephen: YOU DIDN'T TRY. 722 00:39:14,051 --> 00:39:16,220 I DID TRY, ABSOLUTELY. 723 00:39:16,287 --> 00:39:22,193 >> Stephen: HOW COME YOU LOOK LIKE THAT AND I LOOK LIKE THIS? 724 00:39:22,259 --> 00:39:27,364 WELL, THAT DOES IT FOR MY LOOK BACK ON OUR LAST SEASON. 725 00:39:27,431 --> 00:39:31,402 THIS IS SO MUCH FUN! 726 00:39:31,469 --> 00:39:33,003 FOLKS, WHAT A BLAST. 727 00:39:33,070 --> 00:39:36,741 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) SO NICE TO SHOW THAT TO 728 00:39:36,807 --> 00:39:37,241 EVERYBODY. 729 00:39:37,308 --> 00:39:38,008 >> Jon: INCREDIBLE. 730 00:39:38,075 --> 00:39:39,210 WORKED WELL. 731 00:39:39,276 --> 00:39:41,846 >> Stephen: I'M SO GLAD -- I'M SO GLAD WE COULD SHARE SOME OF 732 00:39:41,912 --> 00:39:46,751 THAT WITH A LIVE AUDIENCE, AND I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE CLIPS OF THIS 733 00:39:46,817 --> 00:39:48,652 EPISODE AND NEXT YEAR'S LOOK BACK OF THE BEST OF THE BEST OF 734 00:39:48,719 --> 00:39:50,755 THE "LATE SHOW" SHOW. 735 00:39:50,821 --> 00:39:54,024 TUNE IN TOMORROW WHERE WE HAVE THE AUTHORS OF PERIL 736 00:39:54,091 --> 00:39:56,227 .BOB WOODWARD AND ROBERT COSTA, 737 00:39:56,293 --> 00:39:58,129 JAMES CORDEN IS NEXT, EVERYBODY. 738 00:39:58,195 --> 00:39:59,096 GOOD NIGHT! 739 00:39:59,163 --> 00:40:00,397 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪♪