>> Stephen: PANDEMIC HYGIENE HABITS WAS NOT ONLY KEEPING US
SAFE FROM COVID 19 BUT PLAYED A PART IN DECREASING CASES OF THE
COMMON CODE.
NOW THAT WE ARE LESS CONSISTENTLY EXPERIENCING MASKS
AND ARE IN CROWDS, THE COMMON COLD IS BACK.
♪♪ ♪♪
>> Announcer: IT'S "THE LATE SHOW" WITH STEPHEN COLBERT!
TONIGHT, STEPHEN WELCOMES THE STARS OF THE COLBERT
QUESTIONNAIRE -- TAYLOR SWIFT AND NEIL DEGRAPH TYSON FEATURING
JON BATISTE AND "STAY HUMAN."
AND NOW LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK
CITY, IT'S ST STEPHEN COLBERT!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: HELLO, EVERYBODY!
( AUDIENCE CHANTING STEPHEN ) >> Stephen: THANK YOU, LADIES
AND GENTLEMEN!
( JON PLAYING THEME FROM JAWS ) >> Stephen: PLEASE HAVE A
SEAT.
WHAT A FANTASTIC AUDIENCE.
I WISH I COULD DO A SHOW FOR YOU TWICE.
WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW," LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
I AM YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.
IT IS SO -- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
LOOK AT THAT, HOW COULD YOU LEAVE THAT?
I AM SO GLAD -- LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I AM SO GLAD TO BE
HERE TONIGHT, THOUGH I AM NOT ACTUALLY HERE TONIGHT AND IT'S
NOT ACTUALLY TONIGHT BECAUSE WE'RE TAPING TONIGHT'S SHOW IN
ADVANCE BECAUSE WHEN THIS AIRS, I WILL BE TRAVELING BACK FROM
THE EMMYS.
SO RIGHT NOW I AM SOMEWHERE ELSE ENJOYING A GLASS OF CELEBRATORY
CHAMPAGNE OR A BUCKET OF CONSOLATION BOURBON.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THERE YOU GO.
BUT I WISH I COULD BE HERE, MEANING HERE, THERE, FROM WHEN
I'M -- MONDAY -- LET'S MOVE ON.
( LAUGHTER ) BECAUSE TONIGHT, I'M GOING TO
SHARE SOME OF MY FAVORITE MOMENTS FROM THE
LAST SEASON AS WELL AS SOME CLIPS THAT HAVE NEVER BEFORE
AIRED.
AND I SHOT MOST OF THE LAST SEASON ALL ALONE IN AN OLD
STORAGE CLOSET UPSTAIRS, SO I'M VERY EXCITED TO SHARE THESE WITH
AN ACTUAL LIVE AUDIENCE FOR THE FIRST TIME.
YOU SEE, I HAVE A THEORY ABOUT COMEDY, AND IT'S THAT IT'S GOOD
WHEN THERE'S LAUGHTER.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
FIRST UP, IT'S CONTROVERSIAL.
>> Jon: IT'S HONEST.
>> Stephen: FIRST UP, SOME OF MY FAVORITE JOKES FROM THE
MONOLOGUES IN THAT TINY ROOM.
JIM.
>> Stephen: I'M BACK IN NEW YORK CITY.
AS YOU CAN SEE, IT'S NEW YORK, HERE IN THE HISTORIC ED SULLIVAN
THEATER OFFICE BUILDING.
THE BEATLES, GRANTED, DID NOT PERFORM IN HERE, BUT I WANT YOU
TO KNOW, THE GIRLS STILL WENT CRAZY WHEN RINGO CAME UP TO MAKE
COPIES.
( LAUGHTER ) TONIGHT, WE'RE ON SHOW TIME,
JUST LIKE FOUR YEARS AGO, AND WE KNOW WHY WE'RE HERE BECAUSE IT'S
LIVE.
WELL, THE THING IS WE DON'T KNOW WHAT SOME OF THE INGREDIENTS OF
TONIGHT'S SHOW ARE GOING TO BE.
IT'S LIKE MAKING COOKIES AND, AT THIS POINT, WE DON'T KNOW WHAT'S
GOING TO BE IN THE BATCH -- CHOCOLATE CHIPS, RAISINS OR A
HANDFUL OF THUMB TACKS.
AS WE JOURNEY INTO THE UNKNOWN, PLASE BE PATIENT WITH US AND
WITH YOURSELF.
HOLD ON TIGHT.
HOLD ON TO YOUR LOVED ONES.
HOLD ON TO YOUR PETS.
AND IF YOU'RE HOLDING ON TO ANYTHING ELSE, TURN YOUR ZOOM
CAMERA OFF.
( LAUGHTER ) OH, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!
JOE BIDEN DID IT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪♪
HE'S OUR NEXT PRESIDENT!
I'M GOING TO SHARE THIS MOMENT WITH YOU, OUR AUDIENCE.
I WISH WE COULD BE TOGETHER IN THE THEATER INSTEAD OF BEING
STUCK IN THIS CONVERTED STORAGE ROOM.
THAT'S NOT GOING TO STOP ME FROM FIRING THE T-SHIRT CANON!
COME ON!
♪ CELEBRATE GOOD TIMES COME ON! ♪
OKAY, JIMMY, THAT'S ENOUGH.
I'M GOING TO FIRE THAT THING BACK UP.
I'M READY AT A MOMENT'S NOTICE.
WHEN ANYONE GROWNS AT ONE OF MY JOKES, IT'S GO TIME ( BLEEP ).
THOUSANDS OF MAGA PROTESTERS STORMED THE CAPITOL BUILDING, A
HORRIFYING DAY THAT WILL GO DOWN IN U.S. HISTORY, HOWEVER MUCH
LONGER THAT IS.
ONE WAY TO DESCRIBE IT.
>> LAW AND ORDER.
>> Stephen: NO, THAT'S NOT IT.
AMERICAN CARNAGE.
>> Stephen: THAT'S THE ONE.
JOHNNY, TELL THEM WHAT THEY WON.
>> A SECOND CIVIL WAR AND A BROYHILL DINETTE SET!
YOU WILL BE EATING IN STYLE IN THE SMOLDERING AFTERSCAPE.
BACK TO YOU, STEVE!
>> Stephen: THESE IDIOTS BROKE INTO THE SENATE CHAMBER
INCLUDING THIS GUY WHO TODAY AT THE PODIUM.
THEY SAY DEMOCRATS CONTROL THE SENATE.
THAT'S PREMATURE.
SENATE CONTROL PASSED TO MAJORITY LEADER SHIRTLESS FREAK
IN A VIKING HAT.
AFTER THE PRESIDENT CONTINUED TO POST LIES ABOUT THE ELECTION,
TWITTER ANNOUNCED HIS ACCOUNT WOULD BE LOCKED FOR 12 HOURS
WHICH MEANS LAST NIGHT THE PRESIDENT HAD THE MOST BORING
POOPS OF HIS LIFE.
WELCOME TO A SPECIAL LIVE LATE SHOW.
I AM YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.
WELL, YOU DID IT.
YOU SURVIVED THE LAST FOUR YEARS AND YOUR REWARD, A SHINY NEW OLD
PRESIDENT.
( LAUGHTER ) TODAY FOR THE FIRST TIME IN OUR
244-YEAR HISTORY, THE UNITED STATES HAS A FEMALE
VICE PRESIDENT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) IT'S A MOMENT THAT FUTURE
GENERATIONS WILL LOOK BACK ON AND SAY, WOW, THAT TOOK A LONG
TIME.
NOT ONLY IS HARRIS OUR FIRST FEMALE VICE PRESIDENT, SHE'S OUR
FIRST BLACK VICE PRESIDENT, THE SOUTH ASIAN-AMERICAN AND THE
FIRST VICE PRESIDENT IN FOUR YEARS WHO DOESN'T THINK YOGURT
IS TOO SPICEY.
NO BLIZZARD IS CLEAR WITHOUT SOMEBODY REPORTING FROM THE
SNOWSTORM.
STEPHEN, HOW ARE THINGS LOOKING UP THERE, MY FRIEND?
>> WELL, STEVE, IT'S COLD AND SNOWY, BUT YOU DIDN'T NEED
ANYBODY UP ON THE ROOF TO TELL YOU THAT.
YOU COULD HAVE JUST LOOKED OUT YOUR WINDOW.
>> Stephen: YEAH, I WOULD BUT THESE WINDOWS AREN'T REAL,
THEY'RE JUST TV SCREENS.
>> Stephen: WELL, CHANGE THEM TO STATIC, YOU WILL GET THE
IDEA.
>> Stephen: THERE YOU GO.
>> Stephen: WOW!
THAT IS A LOT OF SNOW!
>> Stephen: YEP!
CAN I COME DOWN FROM THE ROOF NOW, PLEASE?
>> Stephen: NO, YOU CAN'T.
>> Stephen: WELL, WHAT IF I MADE IT WORTH YOUR WHILE?
INTRODUCE YOU TO MY FRIEND BENJAMIN, HERE?
CHECK INSIDE YOUR POCKET, STEVE.
>> Stephen: OH...
I LIKE THE CUT OF YOUR JIB.
BECAUSE IT'S AMERICA, WASN'T LONG BEFORE MASK WEARING
DEVOLVED INTO A POLITICAL ISSUE.
APPARENTLY SPREADING AEROSOLIZED VIRUS IS A CHERISHED FREEDOM.
WHO CAN FORGET PATRICK HENRY'S FAMOUS CRY, GIVE ME LIBERTY,
GIVE ME DEATH OR SLIP ME SOME TONGUE AND GIVE ME BOTH!
FAUCI WAS SO POPULAR THAT BACK IN APRIL HE BECAME A WRITE-IN
NOMINEE FOR PEOPLE'S SEXIEST MAN ALIVE.
SOMETHING ABOUT A MAN BEGGING YOU TO STAY SIX FEET AWAY THAT
MAKES YOU WANT HIM MORE.
THE WINNER TURNED OUT TO BE MICHAEL B. JORDAN, PUBLISHED IN
THE NEW ENGLAND JOURNAL OF MOMMA LIKE!
BARACK OBAMA HAS ALWAYS BEEN SURPRISINGLY RESPECTFUL OF HIS
SUCCESSOR WAXED GRITTY.
GOING ALL THE WAY BACK TO 2016 WHEN HE SOMEHOW MAINTAINED
DIGNITY WHILE GREETING HIM AT THE WHITE HOUSE.
IT'S LIKE HAVING TO MEET YOUR DAUGHTER'S NEW FIANCEÉ WHO IS
ALSO YOUR RACIST UNCLE.
IN THE 2020 CAMPAIGN, HE CALLED HIM FROG MAN, RACIST PIG AND
LUNATIC.
AS MICHELLE OBAMA SAID, WHEN THEY GO LOW, WE GO LUNATIC.
PRESIDENT OBAMA LEARNED ABOUT THE PRESIDENTIAL PHONE CALLS,
THE RACIST SEXIST PIG HAD WITH FOREIGN LEADERS OUT MY AIDES ON
THE LINE TO HEAR WHAT'S BEING DISCUSSED, HE CALLED THE MADMAN
THAT CORRUPT MOTHER ( BLEEP ).
MUST HAVE BEEN INCREDIBLE TO HEAR BARACK OBAMA GET SO FIERY.
LOOK, HE'S A MOTHER -- UH -- LOOK, THE THING IS -- UH,
( BLEEP ).
TONIGHT IS THE VERY LAST LATE SHOW IN QUARANTINE.
MONDAY I WILL BE BACK IN THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER FOR "THE LATE
SHOW."
IT WILL BE MY FIRST TIME IN FRONT OF A LIVE AUDIENCE IN 460
DAYS.
I HOPE I REMEMBER HOW TO FEEL VALIDATED BY A CHEERING CROWD.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THE POINT IS, WE MADE IT
AMERICA.
AFTER 15 MONTHS IN QUARANTINE LIKE CICADAS WE'RE EMERGING INTO
THE SUN AND WE'LL SPEND NEXT TWO WEEKS MAKING WEIRD NOISES AND
HAVING SEX TILL WE DIE.
I'M BEING FACT CHECKED ON THAT BY MY PRODUCER AND WIFE EVIE
RIGHT OVER THERE.
LEAVING THIS STORAGE ROOM IS SWEET BECAUSE I GET TO LEAVE,
BITTER BECAUSE AFTER TEN MONTH OF PURELLEING, EVERYTHING TASTES
LIKE A DOCTOR'S OFFICE.
THERE ARE SOME THINGS I'LL MISS ABOUT THIS STUDIO LIKE YOU
SILENCE.
GOT ANYTHING YOU WANT TO SAY TO ME BEFORE I GO?
WELL, I HATE YOU, TOO.
WHEN WE COME BACK, THE BEST OF QUARANTINE WHILE.
STICK AROUND.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪♪
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!
WELCOME BACK.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, TONIGHT --
TONIGHT, RIGHT?
IT'S TONIGHT.
FOLKS, TONIGHT, I'M SHARING SOME CLIP PACKAGES OF MY FAVORITE
MOMENTS FROM OUR QUARANTINE SHOWS.
AND YOU KNOW I SPENT WEEKS HAND SELECTING THE FINEST MOMENTS
MOST COVID-PLEASING JOKES AND IMPORTANT NEWS STORIES FROM THE
PAST YEAR TO CREATE FOR YOU THE PERFECT COMEDY MONTAGE SHOCKING
MY MY KNOWLEDGE LOG, BUT SOMETIMES, FOLKS, I WAKE UP IN
MY NEIGHBORHOOD'S YARD AFTER A BOX WINE BENDER, CLIMB INTO THE
HAMMOCK, PHONE THE OFFICE, TELL AN INTERN TO LEARN I MOVIE AND
THROW TOGETHER WHATEVER FLOATS THEIR BOAT TO MAKE THE NEWS
WHICH IS MY SEGMENT -- "QUARANTINE-WHILE"!
QUARANTINE-WHILE, IN STORIES YOU CAN ASSUME HAPPENED IN TEXAS, A
DOG IN PLANO, TEXAS, SHOT A MAN IN THE LEG.
NOW, HE MIGHT HAVE BEEN A BAD MAN AND WE KNOW THE BEST WAY TO
STOP A BAD MAN IS WITH A GOOD BOY WITH A GUN!
WHO'S GOOD BOY!
WHO'S GOT A GUN?
YOU DO!
CHOO, CHOO!
APPARENTLY THE MAN HAD A PISTOL TUCKED IN HIS WAISTBAND AND HIS
PAW GOT STUCK IN THE TRIGGER, SHOOTING THE MAN.
THAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN DOGS AND CATS RIGHT THERE, CATS
DON'T MISS.
QUARANTINE-WHILE, TACO BELL IS TESTING ITS OWN MEAT
ALTERNATIVE.
I THOUGHT TACO BELL WAS A MEAT ALTERNATIVE.
IT'S MADE WITH A BLEND OF PEAS AND CHICK PEAS, BEING DOVED THE
CRAVETARIAN TACO.
PERFECT FOR ANYONE WHO THOUGHT WHAT IF MY LUNCH SOUNDED LIKE A
GWYNETH PALTROW CULT?
JOIN THE CRAVETARIANS, YOU WON'T BELIEVE WHERE WE PUT THE CHICK
PEA...
IT'S MY VAGINA!
( LAUGHTER ) ( SINGING )
♪ THE CAPTAIN CALLED ALL HANDS ON "LATE SHOW" ♪
SOON MAY THE WET MINERAL COME TO BRING US SUGAR AND TEA AND RUM.
ONE BAY WE'LL TAKE OUR LEAVE AND KNOW.
>> Stephen: MY YEARS ARE BEST WITH A TICK TOCK, SAY ALREADY
SONG, THIS IS MY DREAM, KIDS DOING INTERNET STUFF, I FINALLY
UNDERSTAND, HEY!
SOON MAY ANOTHER MEME COME, A STAFFER WILL SHOW ME AND I'M
SAY, UM.
WHAT IS THAT?
IT'S MAKING ME MAD.
THEY'LL SAY, WHATEVER DAD.
QUARANTINE-WHILE, ACCORDING TO A NEW STUDY, HORSES DON'T LOVE
SPECIFIC HUMANS.
THERE'S A LOT GOING ON NOW GUYS, DO WE NEED TO BE PUTTING EFFORT
INTO TESTING WHICH ANIMALS DON'T LOVE US?
WELL, NO CURE FOR COVID, YET, BUT WE HAVE DISCOVERED THAT
BUNNIES THINK YOU'RE KIND OF A PITCH.
QUARANTINE-WHILE, IN COLORADO, A SCIENTIST TAUGHT A.I. TO
GENERATE PICKUP LINES USING A LANGUAGE MODEL KNOWN AS G.P.T.3
TO CREATE A SQUAD OF COURTSHIP BOTTS.
SO HOW GOOD ARE THESE BOT-GENERATED COME-ONS?
BUCKLE UP AND BE PREPARED TO BE SWEPT AWAY AS I TREAT YOU TO
REAL A.I. PICKUP LINES.
( SENSUAL MUSIC ) >> Stephen: I'M LOSING MY
VOICE FROM ALL THE SCREAMING YOUR HOTNESS IS CAUSING ME TO
DO.
YOU LOOK LIKE JESUS, IF WE WERE A BUTLER AT A RUSSIAN MANSION.
CAN I SEE YOUR PARTS LIST?
YOU LOOK LIKE A THING, AND I LOVE YOU!
HEY.
MY NAME IS JOHN SMITH.
WILL YOU SIT ON MY BREAD BOX WHILE I COOK OR IS THERE SOME
KIND OF A SPEED LIMIT ON THAT THING?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WHEN WE COME BACK, THE COLBERT
QUESTIONAIRE GETS REVEALING ANSWERS FROM TOM HANKS, JOHN
OLIVER, TIFFANY HADDISH AND MORE!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪♪
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
♪ I FEEL GOOD TODAY ♪ ♪ OH, SO GOOD TODAY ♪
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY, WELCOME BACK!
YOU KNOW, FOLKS, WHILE I WAS DOING THE SHOW WITHOUT ANY
AUDIENCE, I HAD TO FIND NEW WAYS TO CONNECT WITH PEOPLE, WHICH IS
ONE OF THE REASONS I CREATED SOMETHING CALLED THE COLBERT
QUESTIONAIRE, A SERIES OF 15 QUESTIONS SCIENTIFICALLY
DESIGNED TO PROBE THE FURTHEST REACHES OF THE HUMAN PSYCHE.
I KNOW THAT SOUNDS CRAZY BUT IT IS A SCIENTIFICALLY VERIFIED
SURVEY.
I'VEED ASK SEVERAL SCIENTISTS AND THEY'VE ASSURED ME, YEAH,
IT'S A SURVEY.
( LAUGHTER ) SO LET'S LOOK AT SOME OF THE
MOST REVEALING ANSWERS FROM THE COLBERT QUESTIONNAIRE.
JIM?
♪♪ WHAT IS THE BEST SANDWICH?
>> YOU KNOW, I WOULD PROBABLY TAKE A WAWA BLT.
>> Stephen: OOOH, A ROADSIDE B.L.T.
>> GAS STATION B.L.T.
>> Stephen: A GAS STATION B.L.T.
SO NOT ONLY ARE YOU A LOVER OF A SANDWICH, YOU'RE A GAMBLER.
>> MY WIFE LOVES WAWA, IT'S HER ABSOLUTE FAVORITE THING, SO I
HIRED A CAR TO DRIVE US TO THE NEAREST WAWA SOMEWHERE DEEP IN
NEW JERSEY.
I REMEMBER TALKING TO THE DRIVER SAYING THIS IS WHERE WE'RE GOING
TO GO ON VALENTINE'S DAY.
HE SAID, I'LL DO THIS -- ARE YOU ABSOLUTELY SURE?
WE EVEN BOUGHT HIM A SANDWICH AND SAID, THIS IS WHAT SHE'S
EXCITED FOR, AND HE SAID, "IT'S FINE.
."
>> Stephen: HAVE YOU EVER ASKED SOMEBODY FOR THEIR
AUTOGRAPH?
>> YES.
>> Stephen: DO YOU MIND TELLING ME WHO?
>> RICHARD NIXON.
>> Stephen: DID YOU GET IT?
I GOT IT, IT WAS ON A MILKY WAY WRAPPER.
MY DAD TOOK ME TO SAN FRANCISCO, I WAS AT A PARADE AND I REACHED
IN AND GOT A WRAPPER AND HE SIGNED IT.
>> Stephen: WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU SHOULD THROW OUT?
>> I GOT A LOT OF UNDERWEARS I SHOULD PROBABLY THROW OUT BUT I
LOVE THEM, THEY'RE MY COMFORT DRAWERS.
>> Stephen: APPLES OR ORANGES, GEORGE?
>> APPLES.
>> Stephen: YOU CAN PUT PEANUT BUTTER ON AN APPLE.
>> YOU CAN DO ANYTHING WITH AN APPLE.
YOU CAN MAKE A BONG OUT OF AN APPLE.
>> Stephen: APPLE BECAUSE YOU CAN PUT PEANUT BUTTER ON AN
APPLE.
>> THAT IS -- THAT MIGHT BE THE MOST AMERICAN THING I'VE EVER
THEARD YOU SAY.
>> OMICS BECAUSE THEY'VE GOT A LOT OF VITAMIN C AND FIBER IN
THEM.
>> Stephen: I GO WITH APPLE BECAUSE YOU CAN PUT PEANUT
BUTTER ON THEM.
>> YEAH, BUT ORANGES YOU CAN PUT VODKA WITH.
>> I'M GOING TO GO WITH ORANGES.
>> Stephen: YOU KNOW YOU CAN'T PUT PEANUT BUTTER ON AN ORANGE.
YOU CAN PUT PEANUT BUTTER ON A SLICE OF APPLE.
>> I DON'T VIEW FRUIT AS A PEANUT BUTTER DELIVERY SYSTEM.
>> Stephen: YOU GET ONE SONG TO LISTEN TO FOR THE REST OF
YOUR LIFE.
WHAT IS IT?
>> "COME TOGETHER."
>> Stephen: WOW.
WOW.
I THINK WE JUST MADE NEWS.
WHY "COME TOGETHER."
>> I JUST THINK IT WORKS PERFECTLY WITH THE BAND AND THE
SONG AND JOHN BEING JOHN.
>> Stephen: RIGHT.
I LOVE THAT MOMENT.
>> Stephen: THE LYRICS ARE MYSTERIOUS AT TIMES.
>> OH, YEAH.
WEREN'T THEY ALWAYS.
>> Stephen: "I WANT TO HOLD YOUR HAND" ISN'T THAT
MYSTERIOUS.
I GET THE IDEA OF "I WANT TO HOLD YOUR HAND."
>> WHICH HAND DOES HE WANT TO HOLD?
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: YOU'RE RIGHT, I
APOLOGIZE.
I APOLOGIZE, RINGO.
WHY AM I HERE QUESTIONING RINGO STARRER AND HIS ANALYSIS.
>> OUR LIPS ARE SEALED BY THE GO GOs.
( LAUGHTER ) WHAT DID I DO?
>> Stephen: YOU DID NOTHING BUT I'M JUST IMAGINING IT --
FOREVER.
( HUMMING >> Stephen: I'M SECOND TO NONE
TO MY LOVEABLE LINDA CARLISLE.
( HUMMING ) >> CAN YOU HEAR THEM TALK ABOUT
US.
>> Stephen: SURE.
TELLING LIES.
THAT'S NO SURPRISE.
CAN YOU LOOK AT THEM, LOOK RIGHT THROUGH THEM.
THEY HAVE A SECT.
NOTHING CAN BE REVEALED.
DOESN'T MATTER WHAT THEY SAY, AND THE JEALOUS GAMES PEOPLE
PLAY, OUR LIPS ARE SEALED!
>> Stephen: ETERNITY.
( APPLAUSE ) WHAT NUMBER AM I THINKING OF?
>> SIX.
>> Stephen: NO.
DESCRIBE THE REST OF YOUR LIFE IN FIVE WORDS.
>> A, MAGNIFICENT CAVALCADE OF COLOR.
>> SEX, SEX, SEX, LAUGHS, SEX.
DESCRIBE THE REST OF MY LIFE FROM THIS POINT?
>> I HAVE NO ( BLEEP ) IDEA.
>> Stephen: JOHN OLIVER, CONGRATULATIONS.
YOU ARE KNOWN.
>> HEY, I FEEL SEEN.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: WHEN WE COME BACK,
A NEVER-BEFORE-SEEN COLBERT QUESTIONNAIRE WITH NEIL
DE GRASSE TYSON.
STICK AROUND.
♪♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!
WELCOME BACK!
FOLKS, ALL NIGHT WE HAVE BEEN LOOKING AT THE BEST MOMENTS FROM
THE PAST SEASON.
EARLIER I SHOWED YOU SOME OF MY FAVORITE MOMENTS FROM
CELEBRITIES ANSWERING THE FAMED COLBERT QUESTIONERT!, 15
QUESTIONS.
BUT THERE'S ANOTHER QUESTION EVERYBODY IS ASKING, DID FAMED
ASTROPHYSICIST KNEEL KNEEL EVER TAKE THE QUESTIONER IN A
SEGMENT NEVER BEFORE BROADCAST?
GREAT QUESTION.
TO FIND OUT THE ANSWER, WATCH THIS.
♪♪ >> Stephen: NEIL DE GRASSE
TYSON, WHAT IS THE BEST SANDWICH?
>> I GOTTA SAY A NATHAN'S HOT DOG.
AND DON'T GET ON MY CASE ABOUT --
>> Stephen: YOU'RE A MAN OF SCIENCE!
HOW CAN YOU NOT APPROACH THAT QUESTION.
IS A HOT DOG A SANDWICH?
>> JUST BECAUSE IT HAS A HINGE DOESN'T MEAN IT'S NOT A
SANDWICH.
A HERO AND SUBWAY SANDWICH, THEY WERE THEY HAVE HINGES.
NOBODY'S DEBATING WHETHER OR NOT THEY'RE SANDWICHES.
IF THERE'S A SLAB OF MEAT IN BETWEEN BREAD AND YOU EAT IT
WITH YOUR HANDS AND NOT A KNIFE AND FORK IT'S A SANDWICH.
NEXT QUESTION.
>> Stephen: HAVE YOU EVER ASKED SOMEONE FOR THEIR
AUTOGRAPH?
>> YES, I HAVE.
I ASKED JOAN RIVERS FOR HER AUTOGRAPH IN THE CBS ED SULLIVAN
THEATER IN THE 1960s BECAUSE WE HAVE A RELATIVE WHO PERFORMED
WITH THE FIFTH DIMENSION WHO ALSO PERFORMED THAT NIGHT AND
SHE WAS ONE TO HAVE THE COMEDIC GUESTS AND I WAITED AT THE STAGE
DOOR AND SHE CAME OUT AND I GOT HER AUTOGRAPH AND I WAS A LITTLE
KID AT THE TIME.
>> Stephen: YOU HAVE A RELATIVE WHO PERFORMED WITH THE
FIFTH DIMENSION.
>> A RANGER FOR THE FIFTH DIMENSION.
♪ UP UP AND AWAY! ♪ ( LAUGHTER )
LEAST FAVORITE SMELL.
>> HIRED JEN SULFIDE.
NOT ONLY BECAUSETH DEADLY BUT IT SMELLS LIKE ROTTEN EGGS AND GAS
JUST EVE FLUENCES -- >> Stephen: THAT'S SCIENCE
TALK FOR FARTS, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
>> YOU LOWERED YOURSELF TO SAY THAT WORD.
I'M JUST SAYING THAT WAS AN UNPLEASANT SMELL FOR MOST PEOPLE
BUT APPARENTLY NOT FOR DOGS.
>> Stephen: YOU GET ONE SONG TO LISTEN TO FOR THE REST OF
YOUR LIFE.
WHAT IS IT?
>> OOOH...
I WOULD SAY IT'S -- AH -- GIVE ME A SECOND -- THE STICK SONG --
UM -- >
♪ I'M SAILING AWAY ♪ ♪ SET AN OPEN COURSE FOR THE
VIRGIN SEA ♪ >> LITTLE KNOWN FACT ABOUT THAT
SONG, THE ENDING IS AN AIL JEN ABDUCTION.
LISTEN TO IT.
>> Stephen: OH, I KNEW THAT.
YOU KNEW -- ( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: I KNEW THAT.
I GREW UP IN THE '70s, MY MAN.
SURE!
♪ RAN INTO THAT STARSHIP ♪ ♪ AND THIS IS WHAT THEY SAID ♪
THEY SAY STAR SHIP, IT'S NOT A SECRET.
WENT ABOARD A STARSHIP.
>> YOU WERE IN THE MODE AND YOU MIGHT HAVE NOT REALIZED THAT.
IT STARTS OUT BY SAYING ANGELS CAME BY TO WHISK ME AWAY BUT IT
WASN'T ANGELS, IT WAS ALIENS.
EVERY TIME 'EM OUT UNDER THE STARS WHEN I'M NOT OBSERVING AS
A SCIENTIST, I LONG TO BE ABDUCTED BY ALIENS.
THAT WOULD BE THE FUNNEST EVER.
>> Stephen: THERE ARE NOT ENOUGH POP SONGS ABOUT ALIEN
ABDUCTION.
( LAUGHTER ) NEIL, WHAT NUMBER AM I THINKING
OF?
>> 13.
>> Stephen: NO.
DESCRIBE THE REST OF YOUR LIFE IN FIVE WORDS.
>> FIVE WORDS?
>> Stephen: YEAH.
INSABREABLY CURIOUS TILL I DIE.
>> Stephen: NEIL DE GRASSE TYSON, CONGRATULATIONS.
YOU ARE KNOWN.
NEIL DE GRASSE TYSON, EVERYBODY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪♪
>> Stephen: WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪♪
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!
WELCOME BACK!
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, TONIGHT WE ARE CELEBRATING SOME OF THE BEST
MOMENTS FROM THE SHOWS I DID WITHOUT AN AUDIENCE.
SO AS A WARNING, WHAT YOU'RE ABOUT TO SEE ARE A BUNCH OF
CLIPS FROM THE RECENT PAST AND NOT -- I REPEAT NOT -- YOUR LIFE
FLASHING BEFORE YOUR EYES.
SO IF YOUR LIFE CONSISTS MOSTLY FROM CLIPS FROM MY SHOW, I'D SAY
THAT'S A LIFE WELL LIVED.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) NOW, FOR THE FIRST TIME WITH AN
AUDENCE, SOME OF MY FAVORITE GUEST APPEARANCES FROM BEFORE I
RETURNED TO THE THEATER.
JIM?
>> Stephen: PLEASE WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW," CHRIS ROCK.
HELLO, CHRIS ROCK.
>> WOW, NO MUSIC, NOTHING.
>> Stephen: NO.
WELCOME TO THE DESERT.
>> WOW, THOSE CHARLIE ROSE PILLS ARE TICK KICKING IN, MAN!
( LAUGHTER ) WOW.
>> Stephen: YOU RECENTLY RECORDED FEARLESS TAYLOR'S
VERSION, SO IS THE SONG "HEY STEPHEN" ABOUT ME?
>> NO, I FIRST RECORDED THAT SONG IN 2008.
I THINK I WAS, LIKE, 18.
>> Stephen: >> Stephen: YEAH, I WAS ALSO A
YOUNGER AGE.
>> YOU WERE PROBABLY ABOUT 44 YEARS, 179 DAYS OLD, GIVE OR
TAKE SEVERAL HOURS.
>> Stephen: WOW, THAT IS SHOCKINGLY SPECIFIC.
I'M WALKING BACKSTAGE.
>> YES.
>> Stephen: WHO'S LOOKING TOWARD ME?
>> LET'S NOT KID OURSELVES, WE BOTH STOPPED FLAT IN OUR TRACKS.
SEPARATED AT BIRTH. LONG LOST BROTHERS DOPPLEGANGER, IT'S LIKE
LOOKING IN A MIRROR, YOU FROZE.
I AM A FAN, IT WAS LIKE OH WAIT, ONE OF US HAS TO DIE NOW.
THIS IS ONE OF THOSE CLONE MOVIES NO SHOOT HIM.
ARE YOU SURE HEY STEPHEN ISN'T ABOUT ME.
IT'S JUST THE POWER OF MUSIC, STEPHEN, THEY JUST MAKE YOU FEEL
LIKE IT'S ABOUT YOU, BUT, I MEAN,
I MEAN, HEY STEPHEN DEFINITELY IS A GOOD SONG.
THANK YOU, YEAH IT WAS REALLY FUN TO RECORD IT AGAIN, IN FACT,
TO GET ME BACK INTO THE SAME HEAD SPACE AS WHEN I WROTE IT, I
JUST WANTED IT TO BE REALLY
AUTHENTIC AS AN EXPERIENCE, SO I DUG OUT MY OLD MOOD BOARD.
OKAY, UM, TAYLOR THOSE ARE ALL PICTUES OF ME.
NO, THIS IS A PIZZA.
THIS IS THE ONLY PHOTO OF ME PLAYING TENNIS, I WANTED TO GET
YOUR OPINION ON MY STYLE. THIS IS ME AGAINST JAMES BLAKE. THIS
IS ME ATTEMPTING TO JUMP OVER.
IT LOOKS LIKE YOU GOT CAUGHT UP THERE IN A FEW DIFFERENT WAYS,
YOUR STYLE COULD BE A LITTLE MORE MODERN.
I'M ALWAYS ABOUT THE 80S.
I'M CLASSIC.
IT COULD BE A LITTLE LOOSER.
A LITTLE LOOSER, ON THE BOTTOM.
REALLY, AND THIS IS NOT VANITY, IT REALLY SEEMS LIKE THE SONG IS
ABOUT ME.
YOU FLATTER YOURSELF. HEY STEPHEN IS NOT ABOUT YOU.
ANY MORE THAN 1989 IS NOT ABOUT THAT YEAR YOU SPENT WAITING
TABLES, ON THE LUNCH SHIFT, AT SKOOZIE, AN ITALIAN RESTAURANT,
IN THE RIVER NORTH AREA OF CHICAGO, WHICH BY THE WAY,
SERVES A REALLY INCREDIBLE SLICE OF PIZZA.
HOW DO YOU EVEN KNOW THAT?
DR. FAUCI, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING HERE.
THANK YOU FOR HAVING ME STEPHEN.
I WANT TO HAVE YOU ON FOR A YEAR. WE TRIED TO HAVE YOU ON
EVERY WEEK FOR A YEAR. AROUND JANUARY 20TH, YOUR SCHEDULE
REALLY OPENED UP WHAT CHANGED?
EVERYTHING.
HAVE YOU EVER FANTASIZED ABOUT DUMPING A HORSES HEAD INTO RAND
PAUL'S BED?
NO NO, BUT I THINK HE MAY HAVE FANTASIZED ABOUT DOING IT THE
OTHER WAY WITH ME.
I'VE NEVER REVEALED THIS BEFORE TO ANYONE, BUT HEY STEPHEN IS
ABOUT STEPHEN KING.
DO YOU HAVE A BIDEN? HAVE YOU WORKED ON YOUR BIDEN YET?
HERE'S THE DEAL, I'M NOT KIDDING AROUND. NO JOKE. MY DAD LOST
HIS JOB IN SCRANTON, I LOST MY DOG. I'M NOT KIDDING, I'M NOT
BEING A WISE GUY.
AND HE ALWAYS DOES THE LIST.
NUMBER ONE, THE ONE PART. NUMBER TWO, WHAT THEY SAID.
NUMBER THREE, YOU GET THE DRILL. COME ON.
THAT'S NOT GOOD. COME ON. THAT'S WHAT PEOPLE SAID.
NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU INSIST THAT HEY STEPHEN ISN'T ABOUT ME,
I KEEP GETTING THE STRONG FEELING THAT IT IS.
THAT'S REALLY, THAT SEEMS LIKE A YOU THING. FOR YOU TO SORT OF
PROCESS.
THE THING ABOUT THAT FEELING, THAT I THINK THAT MAYBE YOU
SHOULD ADDRESS, WITHIN YOURSELF, I THINK IT'S SOMETHING THAT YOU
SHOULD PROCESS, AND THEN TAKE
THE FEELING THAT YOU ARE FEELING.
YES MY VALID FEELING.
AND SHAKE IT OFF. RIGHT? BUT THAT SONG, IS ABOUT YOU.
(PHONE RINGS) I HAVE TO TAKE THIS.
OH, IT'S STEPHEN KING. I HAVE TO GO.
HEY STEPHEN.
TAYLOR SWIFT EVERYBODY, I KNEW IT! I KNEW IT!
WHEN WE COME BACK, I GET UP CLOSE AND PERSONAL WITH JOHN
KRASINSKI, STICK AROUND.
♪♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!
WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW."
FOLKS, I SPENT MOST OF THE LAST YEAR AND A HALF DOING THE SHOW
WITH NO AUDIENCE OR GUESTS BESIDES, OF COURSE, MY WIFE
EVIE.
BUT THERE WAS ONE NOTABLE EXCEPTION.
BACK IN MAY, ACTOR/DIRECTOR/EMILY BLUNT'S
HUSBAND JOHN KRASINSKI WAS NICE ENOUGH TO JOIN ME IN THE STORAGE
CLOSET.
IF YOU EVER WONDERED WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE TRAPPED IN A SMALL
SPACE WITH JOHN KRASINSKI, I REMEMBER WATCHING "A QUIET
PLACE."
BUT IF YOU WANT THE SAME EXPERIENCE WITH LESS TALKING AND
LESS AIL ANYDISMEMBERMENT, LOOK AT THIS.
IT'S A VERY SPECIAL DAY IN THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER STORAGE
CLOSE EST, MR. JOHN KRASINSKI IS HERE TO TALK ABOUT HIS NEW MOVIE
"A QUIET PLACE TWO."
HE'S COME TO THE RIGHT SPOT.
FOR THE LAST YEAR, THERE HAS BEEN NO QUIETER PLACE ON EARTH
THAN THIS ROOM.
I'VE GOT TO TELL YOU, THERE'S NOTHING LIKE TELLING A JOKE AND
THEN HEARING YOUR OWN HEART BEAT.
ANYWAY, THANKS FOR BEING HERE, JOHN.
>> SO GOOD TO BE HERE.
>> Stephen: THANK YOU FOR BEING IN THE SECOND CHAIR.
WHEN I SAID, THEY SAID, DO YOU WANT TO HAVE JOHN KRASINSKI BE
YOUR FIRST LIVE IN PERSON GUEST.
I SAID, SURE, THAT WOULD BE GREAT.
EVIE SAID WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT.
>> THAT'S RIGHTICS BACK OFF, BUDDY.
>> I COULD FEEL THE COMPETITION.
THERE'S A WALL OF TENSION.
>> EXACTLY, WE WERE GOING TO SILT YOU IN THAT CHAIR AND SHE
SAID -- I MEAN, SHE'S OBVIOUSLY A LADY, SHE SAID ( BLEEP ),
THAT'S MY CHAIR.
KRASINSKI CAN GET IN THE RUMBLE SEAT.
>> I HAVEN'T SEEN A SWITCHBLADE SINCE 1976 AND SHE PULLED ONE
OUT.
>> WE PLAY ROUGH.
SHE SAID, I'LL CUT YOU.
>> Stephen: AS A FORMER WAITER MYSELF, I CAN SAY THAT IS GREAT
NEWS FOR THE LUNCH SHIFT.
THEY NO LONGER HAVE TO SAY, I'M GOING TO LAY THIS DOWN, TAKE
YOUR TIME, WE'RE CHANGING SHIFTS.
CONNOR WILL TAKE CARE OF YOU, AND IF YOU DON'T PAY NOW, I
DON'T GET THE TIP, CONNOR DIDN'T DO ANYTHING FOR YOU.
I'M GOING TO GO TO THE PREP STATION AND ROLL SILVER WEAR AND
EAT FREE ROLLS TILL MY SOUL FALLS OUT OF MY AS.
( APPLAUSE ) DID YOU WAIT TABLES?
>> SHEWEL.
>> Stephen: YOU DID.
EVEN AFTER THE PILOT OF THE OFFICE I WADE TABLES.
>> Stephen: WHAT KIND OF PLACE?
>> AT THE TIME I WAS AT THE ODION DOWNTOWN.
>> Stephen: WHAT IS THAT?
RESTAURANT.
.>> Stephen: I'M A MAN OF THE PEOPLE.
I DON'T KNOW YOUR FANCY -- >> IT'S NOT FANCY.
IT'S HISTORIC.
THIS IS CULTURE OVER HERE.
WE'LL TALK ABOUT CULTURE.
>> Stephen: WE'RE ALL INTO NEW YORK CITY.
>> Stephen: WE'LL EDIT THAT OUT.
WOULD YOU LIKE SOMETHING TO DRINK?
>> WHAT ARE YOU HAVING.
>> Stephen: BOURBON.
MM-HMM.
>> Stephen: SO, JOHN, THE LAST TIME WE WERE TOGETHER WAS
MARCH 9th, 2020.
( LAUGHTER ) >> OH!
>> Stephen: THERE YOU GO.
OH, YEAH, THEY CALL THAT THE COVID MANHATTAN.
>> Stephen: MM-HMM, MM-HMM.
OH, THERE IT IS.
PERFECT.
THAT WILL KILL IT.
OW!
( BLEEP ) ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: NOW, THE LAST TIME
WE WERE TOGETHER WAS MARCH 9th O THREE DAYS BEFORE WE HAD TO BUG
OUT BECAUSE EVERYTHING SHUT DOWN.
>> THAT'S RIGHT.
>> Stephen: AND YOU WERE HERE FOR THIS LITTLE PROJECT
CALLED -- >> "A QUIET PLACE PART TWO," 10.
THIS IS 2.0.
>> Stephen: AND I WANT TO TAKE A LOOK AT THE ENTRANCE WHEN YOU
WERE HERE OVER A YEAR AGO.
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: YOU CAN GET A SENSE WE'RE BEGINNING TO
UNDERSTAND SOMETHING BAD WAS COMING DOWN THE PIKE.
WE WEREN'T QUITE SURE.
>> BEFORE I WENT OUT, SOMEBODY WAS, LIKE, YOU'RE NOT GOING TO
TOUCH HIM, ARE YOU?
AND THEY SAID, AND JOHN KRASINSKI, AND I WAS GOING, AM I
NOT SUPPOSED TO?
AS I WAS GOING ON STAGE.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: WHAT'S THE
SCARIEST ANIMAL?
>> CROCODILE.
ANYTHING THAT HAS THE TERM DEATH ROLL.
NOT ONLY THE BITE'S NOT BAD ENOUGH, NOW YOU'VE GOT TO ROLL
ME.
>> Stephen: WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF A CROCODILE WAS CRABBING YOU
AND TAKING YOU TO THE WATER, WHAT WOULD YOU DO.
>> I GENUINELY THINK I WOULD JUST YELL NO!
NO!
I WOULD.
>> Stephen: FLAT OR SPARKLING.
FLAT.
ARE WE GOING TO EDIT THAT OUT?
BECAUSE THAT HURT MY FEELINGS.
>> Stephen: HOW STRONG ARE YOU THESE DAYS, BY THE WAY?
>> OH, GOD...
THIS IS NOT SMART, HON.
THERE COULD BE AN INJURY, STEPHEN.
>> Stephen: THERE'S NOT GOING TO BE AN INJURY.
COME ON.
>> WE HAVE TO DO THE -- YEAH, OKAY.
HERE WE GO.
>> Stephen: SURE, YOU WANT TO DO THIS THING?
>> WHAT IS THIS?
>> Stephen: YOU DON'T ARM WRESTLE DO YOU.
>> NO.
>> Stephen: YOU HAVE TO PUT THE BACK OF MY HAND HERE AND I
PUT THE BACK OF YOUR HAND HERE.
DO YOU KNOW THAT MUCH?
>> SURE.
>> Stephen: HERE WE GO.
I WANT YOU TO KNOW, THIS IS NOT PERSONAL.
READY?
EVIE, SAY ONE, TWO, THREE GO.
>> CAN WE DO A STARING CONTEST.
>> Stephen: SURE.
THERE'S NO WAY WE HAVE TIME FOR THIS, RIGHT?
>> OH, MY GOD.
>> Stephen: THIS IS INTERNET EXTRA.
>> CORNED WILL GET IT.
WE'RE JUST GOING TO PUSH INTO A LITTLE BIT OF HIS TIME.
( LAUGHTER ) >
READY, ONE, TWO, THREE GO.
( LAUGHTER ) >> YOU'RE YOUNGER, YOU'RE STRONG
BUT I'M OLD AND WILEY.
( LAUGHTER ) ( JOHN GRUNTING )
>> I DIDN'T KNOW WE WERE REALLY DOING IT!
>> Stephen: YOU'RE NOT TRYING!
( WHIMPERING ) ( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: YOU DIDN'T TRY.
I DID TRY, ABSOLUTELY.
>> Stephen: HOW COME YOU LOOK LIKE THAT AND I LOOK LIKE THIS?
WELL, THAT DOES IT FOR MY LOOK BACK ON OUR LAST SEASON.
THIS IS SO MUCH FUN!
FOLKS, WHAT A BLAST.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) SO NICE TO SHOW THAT TO
EVERYBODY.
>> Jon: INCREDIBLE.
WORKED WELL.
>> Stephen: I'M SO GLAD -- I'M SO GLAD WE COULD SHARE SOME OF
THAT WITH A LIVE AUDIENCE, AND I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE CLIPS OF THIS
EPISODE AND NEXT YEAR'S LOOK BACK OF THE BEST OF THE BEST OF
THE "LATE SHOW" SHOW.
TUNE IN TOMORROW WHERE WE HAVE THE AUTHORS OF PERIL
.BOB WOODWARD AND ROBERT COSTA,
JAMES CORDEN IS NEXT, EVERYBODY.
GOOD NIGHT!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪♪