>> IN MENTAL HEALTH, THE "WALL STREET JOURNAL" FOUND INTERNAL
SLIDES SHOWING EXECUTIVES KNEW INSTAGRAM MAKES TEEN GIRLS FEEL
BADLY ABOUT THEMSELVES AND DID NOTHING ABOUT IT.
ONE SLIDE SAYING WE MAKE BODY IMAGE WORSE FOR ONE IN THREE
TEEN GIRLS.
YET THE COMPANY CONTINUED WITHOUT CHANGES.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> HEY, EVERYONE.
WELCOME TO OUR ALL-HANDS STAFF MEETING.
TODAY, WE ARE GOING TO TALK ABOUT DATA THAT SUGGESTS OUR APP
INSTAGRAM SETS UNREALISTIC AND UNHEALTHY EXPECTATIONS FOR
TEENAGERS.
I'VE DECIDED THAT WHAT WE SHOULD DO ABOUT THIS IS ABSOLUTELY
NOTHING.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THE FACT IS THERE'S ALWAYS GOING
TO BE CONTENT FROM UNATTAINABLY SEXY PEOPLE THAT MAKES OTHERS
FEEL INFERIOR, LIKE ME RIDING ON A HOVER SURFBOARD WITH AN
AMERICAN FLAG.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) OR ME LOOKING FLY IN MY
SUNSCREEN.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WHO WOULDN'T BE DRIVEN MAD WITH
INSECURITY AFTER SEEING ME EATING TOAST, JUST LIKE PEOPLE
DO.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) BECAUSE I CARE ABOUT PEOPLE.
THAT'S WHY I'M HERE, WITH ALL OF YOU REAL PEOPLE, IN PERSON, IN
THIS REAL PLACE!
ANYWAYS, GREAT TO SEE YOU!
>> Announcer: IT'S "THE LATE SHOW" WITH STEPHEN COLBERT!
TONIGHT, DEJA Q.
PLUS STEPHEN WELCOMES MELISSA MCCARTHY, AND MUSICAL GUEST
LINDSEY BUCKINGHAM, FEATURING JON BATISTE AND "STAY HUMAN."
AND, NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK
CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: GOOD TO SEE YOU.
( AUDIENCE CHANTING STEPHEN ) >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!
PLEASE, HAVE A SEAT, EVERYBODY.
WELCOME -- WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW," ONE AND ALL.
I AM YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN -- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
-- TONIGHT IN WASHINGTON, D.C., THE CITY IS ON HIGH ALERT.
THE NATIONAL GUARD HAS BEEN CALLED OUT, BARRICADES HAVE BEEN
REINSTALLED IN FRONT OF THE CAPITOL, LIBERTY IS GIRDING HER
LOINS, AND THEY POPPED A CONDOM ON THE WASHINGTON MONUMENT.
EVERYONE'S WORRIED BECAUSE UP TO 700 PEOPLE ARE EXPECTED TO
ATTEND SATURDAY'S JUSTICE FOR J-6 RALLY IN SUPPORT OF THOSE
WHO RIOTED AT THE US CAPITOL ON JANUARY 6TH.
YEAH.
( BOOING ) YOU WERE A LITTLE LATE WITH
THAT.
YOU WERE A LITTLE LATE.
( LAUGHTER ) FOLKS, DO WE REALLY NEED TO GO
THROUGH THIS AGAIN?
>> AUDIENCE: NO!
>> Stephen: IT REMINDS ME OF THE FAMOUS QUOTE
"THOSE WHO FAIL TO LEARN FROM HISTORY WILL BE AT THIS RALLY."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) BUT I'M ALL FOR JUSTICE FOR THE
PEOPLE WHO ATTACKED THE CAPITOL ON JANUARY 6TH.
HAVE THEY LOCKED UP THE MAIN GUY WHO
STARTED THE WHOLE THING YET?
HIS NAME'S ON THE TIP OF MY TONGUE...
...AND IT TASTES TERRIBLE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AT FIRST, I THOUGHT THIS RALLY
WAS SOME KIND OF STING OPERATION, LIKE WHEN THEY OFFER
SUPER BOWL TICKETS TO VERY STUPID FUGITIVES.
( LAUGHTER ) HI, I WAS TOLD I COULD MEET TOM
BRADY ANNNNND I'M BEING HANDCUFFED.
CAN I AT LEAST MEET GRONK?
( LAUGHTER ) DEMOCRATS HAVE BEEN ADVISED TO
LEAVE TOWN, NO REPUBLICAN MEMBERS OF CONGRESS HAVE SAID
THEY'RE GOING.
THE RALLY IS EVEN BEING SKIPPED BY FORMER PRESIDENT
"SWEENY FRAUD."
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
REPORTEDLY, HE VIEWS THE PLANNED PROTEST AS A SETUP THAT THE NEWS
MEDIA WILL USE AGAINST HIM REGARDLESS OF THE OUTCOME.
YEP, HE'S DAMNED IF HE DOES AND DAMNED IF HE DOESN'T.
POINT IS, HE CAN GO TO HELL.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) BUT NOW WE HAVE A NEW PRESIDENT,
AND HE'S MAKING NEWS.
YESTERDAY, JOE BIDEN HELD A NATIONAL SECURITY EVENT AND WAS
JOINED VIRTUALLY BY BRITISH, AUSTRALIAN P.M.S.
OF COURSE, IN AUSTRALIA, BECAUSE OF THE TIME DIFFERENCE, THE P.M.
IS TECHNICALLY THE A.M..
( LAUGHTER ) THIS IS AN IMPORTANT ONE...
THE PURPOSE OF THE NATIONAL SECURITY ZOOM CALL WAS TO
ANNOUNCE A TRILATERAL SECURITY PARTNERSHIP WITH BRITAIN AND
AUSTRALIA.
IN IT, THE U.S. ANNOUNCED IT WOULD SHARE ITS NUCLEAR-POWERED
SUBMARINE TECHNOLOGY WITH AUSTRALIA AS PART OF A NEW
DEFENSE PARTNERSHIP.
THAT'S A BIG CHANGE IN FOREIGN POLICY.
THE LAST PRESIDENT WOULD NEVER SHARE A SUB, OR REALLY ANY
SANDWICH.
( LAUGHTER ) ( PIANO RIFF )
( APPLAUSE ) PRISON STYLE.
AUSTRALIA REALLY NEEDS THIS.
BECAUSE THEY HAVE SOME REAL PROBLEMS WITH THEIR OLD
SUBMARINE TECHNOLOGY.
TAKE A LOOK.
( PINGING SOUND ) >> Stephen: IT'S JUST POOR
PLANNING IS WHAT THAT IS.
( APPLAUSE ) THIS ALLIANCE ANNOUNCEMENT IS
REALLY BIG.
IT'S THE FIRST TIME SINCE 1958 THAT WE'RE SHARING OUR NUCLEAR
SUB SECRETS.
CHINA IS UPSET AND SAYS WE'RE FACING A NEW COLD WAR, BUT THE
TAKEAWAY FROM THIS HISTORIC MEETING IS THAT BIDEN APPEARED
TO FORGET THE AUSTRALIAN PRIME MINISTER'S NAME:
THANK YOU, BORIS, AND -- AND I WANT TO THANK THAT FELLOW
DOWN UNDER.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH, PAL.
APPRECIATE IT, MISTER PRIME MINISTER.
>> Stephen: THANK YOU, PAL.
THIS GUY.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
THANK YOU, PAL.
MR. PRIME MINISTER, CHIEF, BIG GUY, CROCODILE DUNDEE.
KOALA KID, OL' PLATYPUS PETE.
"MAN FROM THE LAND DOWN UNDER, WHERE THE BEER DOES FLOW AND MEN
CHUNDER."
YOU'RE MY KANGAROO JACK, JACK.
I'M YOUR LITTLE JOEY.
THROW ME IN YOUR POUCH, AND LET'S GO GET A BLOOMIN' ONION.
LET'S BUILD BACK OUTBACK BETTER I'M KIDDIN' AROUND.
I'M NOT KIDDIN' AROUND ABOUT KIDDIN' AROUND.
( LAUGHTER ) CRIKEY!
( APPLAUSE ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
YOU GUYS ARE A CHEAP DATE.
I LIKE IT.
SOME ARE CALLING THIS THE BLUNDER FROM DOWN UNDER.
SO FAR, JUST ME.
AND IT'S PRETTY DUMB.
I MEAN, WE ALL KNOW THE NAME OF AUSTRALIAN PRIME MINISTER:
MR. INCORRECT PASS CODE.
( LAUGHTER ) WELL, THAT'S THE NEWS FROM DOWN
UNDER, HERE IN THE UP OVER, THE SPACE RACE HAS BEEN HEATING UP,
INSPIRING BILLIONAIRES EVERYWHERE TO BUILD THEIR OWN
GIANT FIRE-PENIS.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT NOW AVERAGE JOES ARE GETTIN'
IN ON THE GAME, AND I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT IN OUR LATEST
INSTALLMENT OF (ECHOING)
>> SPACE NEWS!
CIVILIANS IN SPACE EDITION!
>> WHAT'S THE WIFI PASSWORD?
>> STEPHEN: LAST NIGHT, AEROSPACE COMPANY SPACEX MADE
HISTORY BY LAUNCHING THE FIRST ALL-CIVILIAN CREW TO ORBIT THE
EARTH.
MEANING, THERE WERE NO PROFESSIONAL ASTRONAUTS ON
BOARD.
HOUSTON WE HAVE A PROBLEM, BUT I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THE PROBLEM
IS, SINCE I OWN A CHAIN OF LAUNDROMATS.
I HAVE ALREADY CLEANED THE LINT TRAP.
I'M GONNA TRY PUTTIN' IN MORE QUARTERS.
( LAUGHTER ) ( PIANO RIFF )
( APPLAUSE ) >> Jon: I GOT YOU, I GOT YOU.
>> Stephen: THE MISSION IS CALLED
INSPIRATION 4, AND ITS FEARLESS CIVILIAN LEADER IS BILLIONAIRE
C.E.O. AND COLLEGE ROOMMATE WHO'S JUST GOING TO STICK AROUND
WHILE YOU GUYS MAKE OUT, JARED ISAACMAN.
ISAACMAN BOUGHT THIS FLIGHT BECAUSE HE HOPES TO RAISE $200
MILLION FOR KIDS WITH CANCER.
IT'S A NOBLE GOAL, BUT WHEN YOU'RE A BILLIONAIRE, YOU CAN
PRETTY MUCH SAY ANY OF YOUR FANCY HOBBIES ARE FOR CHARITY.
(AS POMPOUS RICH GUY) SEX PARTY AT MY PLACE, IT'S FOR
AFFORDABLE HOUSING.
AFTER THAT, WE'RE GOING TO SHOOT THE LAST LIVING WHITE RHINO FOR
MESOTHELIOMA.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
HERE'S A LOOK AT LAST NIGHT'S LAUNCH.
SINCE THIS CREW IS ALL CIVILIANS, THE SPACE CAPSULE IS
OPERATED COMPLETELY AUTONOMOUSLY.
BUT THAT DIDN'T STOP THE PASSENGERS FROM HAING FUN WITH
THE TOUCHSCREENS.
(AS SPACE-GOER) OKAY, LOOKS LIKE WE HAVE "I AM
LEGEND" AND ONE EPISODE FROM SEASON 2 OF "LOIS AND CLARK."
I'M GONNA ORDER A SNACK-BOX.
UNLIKE BEZOS AND RICHARD BRANSON'S ROCKETS, THE
INSPIRATION 4 CREW ISN'T JUST POPPING INTO SPACE FOR A FEW
MINUTES.
IT'LL BE A THREE-DAY JOURNEY IN ORBIT, CIRCLING THE EARTH EVERY
90 MINUTES.
THREE DAYS WASN'T THE ORIGINAL PLAN, BUT PARKING ON EARTH IS
REALLY TOUGH RIGHT NOW.
SOMEBODY PUT UP SOME CONES OR SOMETHING.
( LAUGHTER ) SOME OF THE MONEY WILL BE RAISED
BY AUCTIONING OFF ITEMS THE CREW IS TAKING INTO ORBIT.
LIKE A UKULELE THAT ONE OF THE PASSENGERS WILL PLAY ABOARD THE
SPACECRAFT.
SO IT'S THREE DAYS TRAPPED IN A CONFINED SPACE WITH THE GUY WHO
PULLS OUT THE UKULELE AT A PARTY.
( APPLAUSE ) IN SPACE NO ONE CAN YOU HEAR YOU
SCREAM, "PUT THAT (BLEEP) UKULELE AWAY."
( LAUGHTER ) HARD-HITTING JOKE.
BACK ON EARTH, THE COVID VACCINE HAS BEEN PREVENTING SERIOUS
OUTBREAKS FOR MONTHS, BUT THAT HASN'T STOPPED CONSPIRACY
THEORISTS FROM COMING UP WITH THEIR OWN QUACKTASTIC COVID
CURES.
I'LL TELL YOU THE LATEST IN TONIGHT'S EDITION OF
DISINFORMATION STATION!
THE VACCINE'LL GIVE YOUR OVARIES 5G!
>> Stephen: GOOD TO KNOW.
THE LATEST NONSENSE COVID TREATMENT MAKING THE ROUNDS ON
FACEBOOK CLAIMS THAT, THE CORONAVIRUS CAN BE KILLED BY
INHALING ONION FUMES AND EATING ONIONS.
OK, THAT WON'T CURE COVID, BUT IT WILL MAKE YOU AN ABSOLUTE
NIGHTMARE FOR THE PERSON TESTING YOU.
OK, JUST PULL DOWN YOUR MASK, AND...
OH DEAR GOD I DIDN'T KNOW A TONGUE
COULD HAVE B.O..
IT'S NOT JUST EATING.
THE SAME POSTS ALSO CLAIM THAT SIMPLY PLACING ONIONS AROUND
YOUR HOUSE CAN WARD OFF THE VIRUS.
AND IF YOU ADD GARLIC, YOU CAN WARD OFF VAMPIRES THAT HAVE THE
VIRUS.
( LAUGHTER ) ANOTHER FAKE COVID CURE MAKING
THE ROUNDS: ANTI-VAXXERS ARE GARGLING THE ANTISEPTIC
BETADINE, WHICH IS TYPICALLY USED TO KILL BACTERIA IN WOUNDS
AND IS OCCASIONALLY USED AS A DOUCHE.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) YOU HEAR THAT, DUMMIES?
IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE USED AS A DOUCHE NOT BY A DOUCHE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( LAUGHTER )
GOOD TO KNOW.
IT'S JUST GOOD TO KNOW.
UNFORTUNATELY, THIS CURE-NONE HAS BECOME SO POPULAR THAT
BETADINE HAS HAD TO ADD A PAGE TO THEIR WEBSITE RESPONDING TO
QUESTIONS LIKE CAN I USE BETADINE PRODUCTS TO KILL THE
CORONAVIRUS?
OR TO PREVENT OR TREAT COVID 19?
THE ANSWER -- NO.
( LAUGHTER ) YEAH, I DON'T THINK THAT'S GOING
TO STOP ANTIVAXXERS.
(AS DUMB GUY) BABE, THE WEBSITE SAYS NO.
CALL THE FEED STORE.
WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO USE HORSE DOUCHE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( PIANO RIFF )
SO, WE'VE HAD HYDROXYCHLOROQUINE, IVERMECTIN,
AND NOW ONIONS AND BETADINE.
AT THIS POINT, WE SHOULD JUST GET AHEAD OF THE CURVE AND
ANNOUNCE WHAT WILL NOT TREAT COVID:
WITCH HAZEL TIDE PODS
PEPTO BISMOL PEPTO BISMOL UP THE BUTT
LICKING BATTERIES DOING JUMPING JACKS
SNORTING DORITO DUST TWO TURNTABLES AND A MICROPHONE
HUSH PUPPIES ONE TURNTABLE AND A MICROPHONE,
EXPIRED ZIMA REALLY ASPICY A-MEATBALLS
SAYING "CANDYMAN" IN A MIRROR FIVE TIMES
OR GETTING BANGS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT, MY GUEST IS MELISSA MCCARTHY.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, "MEANWHILE."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪♪
>> Stephen: JON BATISTE AND "STAY HUMAN," EVERYBODY!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪♪
>> Jon: YEAH, YEAH!
>> Stephen: JON, LOOK WHAT WE'VE GOT COMING UP HERE.
WHO I'M TALKING TO IN JUST A MINUTE IS I HAVE THE WONDERFUL,
TALENTED, EMMY NOMINATED OSCAR WINNER MELISSA MCCARTHY IS
GOING TO BE HERE TONIGHT.
EVERYBODY LOVES HER IN A VERY SPECIAL WAY.
SHE'S HERE IN A WAY WE'VE NEVER INTERVIEWED A GUEST BEFORE.
STICK AROUND, YOU WILL WANT TO SEE THAT.
JON, YOU'RE GOING TO THE EMMYS, RIGHT?
>> Jon: YES, I'M GOING OUT THERE.
>> Stephen: I'M GOING TO BE OUT THERE.
DO YOU WANT TO HANG AT ALL?
YOU CAN'T BRING A DATE BECAUSE OF COVID.
NOT EVEN ALL THE NOMINEES CAN GO.
EVIE CAN'T COME EVEN THOUGH SHE'S TECHNICALLY MY CO-HOST.
>> Jon: OH, MAN.
>> Stephen: SAD STORY.
I LIKE TO BRING THE AUDIENCE DOWN IN THE MIDDLE.
THAT'S MY GOAL, JUST TO BUM EVERYBODY OUT.
>> Jon: WE'LL HANG OUT.
>> Stephen: WE'LL HANG OUT?
>> Jon: YEAH, FOR OLD TIME'S SAKE.
>> Stephen: SOUNDS GOOD.
HAVEN'T SEEN YOU IN A COUPLE OF HOURS!
>> Jon: RIGHT >> STEPHEN: Y'KNOW, I SPEND MOST
OF MY TIME SOURCING THE DAY'S FINEST HONG-JOE SILK NEWS
STORIES, MOUNTING THEM ON THE MOST TOPICAL, PREMIUM,
POLYHEDRAL BAMBOO JOKE FRAME, DECORATING IT WITH ARTISANAL ASH
INK, INSERTING A HAND-POURED BEESWAX CANDLE, FILLING IT WITH
INTENTION AND SETTING IT ALOFT ON THE UPDRAFT OF AUDIENCE
LAUGHTER IN THE SPECTACULAR CHINESE LANTERN FESTIVAL THAT IS
MY MONOLOGUE.
BUT SOMETIMES, I GO VISIT MY BUDDY, BARRACUDA AT THE
ABANDONED MALL, DROP A COUPLE HUNDOS ON SOME WET ROMAN
CANDLES, BENT SPARKLERS SMUGGLED IN FROM THE PHILIPPINES, AND A
FLARE GUN STOLEN FROM AN CRASHED COAST GUARD BOAT, THEN SET IT
ALL OFF IN THE DERANGED, UNREGULATED FIREWORKS ACCIDENT
OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT: "MEANWHILE!"
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ALWAYS MAKES ME FEEL GOOD.
ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS HAPPY TO DO THIS.
THIS IS HAPPY, ANTIDEPRESSANT.
>> STEPHEN: MEANWHILE A 37-YEAR-OLD ITALIAN PASTRY
CHEF, IS BUILDING HIS OWN VERSION OF MIDDLE-EARTH, TO
ABANDON MODERN LIFE AND IS LIVING AS A HOBBIT.
COME ON, MAN -- A 37-YEAR-OLD BEING THAT OBSESSED WITH TOLKEN?
AND PLAYING DRESS UP TO FEEL A PART
OF MIDDLE EARTH IS A LITTLE SAD.
THAT KIND OF BEHAVIOR IS ONLY APPROPRIATE FOR A 57-YEAR-OLD
MAN.
THE CHEF IS NICOLAS GENTILE SEEN HERE WEARING THE SAME NEW
BALANCES FRODO FAMOUSLY WORE IN THE BATTLE OF MOUNT FOOTLOCKER.
AND GENTILE IS COMMITTED.
HE BOUGHT A PIECE OF LAND IN THE COUNTRYSIDE, WHERE HE AND HIS
WIFE STARTED BUILDING THEIR PERSONAL SHIRE.
WOW, HE HAS A WIFE.
( LAUGHTER ) ♪ HE GOT A WIFE ♪
MEANWHILE, CROCS HAS ANNOUNCED THEY WILL BE CHANGING THEIR
CLOGS' INGREDIENTS TO BE BIOBASED BY 2022.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: YEAH.
YEAH.
( APPLAUSE ) A GREAT MOVE, BECAUSE CURRENTLY,
EACH INDIVIDUAL CROC IS WHITTLED FROM A BLOCK OF POLONIUM 210.
( LAUGHTER ) MEANWHILE, THERE ARE STILL MAJOR
OBSTACLES TO COLONIZING THE RED PLANET, AMONG THEM BEING THAT
MARTIAN SOIL DOESN'T CONTAIN THE RIGHT STUFF TO MAKE BUILDING
MATERIALS.
BUT DON'T WORRY, THERE MAY BE A SOLUTION, BECAUSE SCIENTISTS ARE
SUGGESTING WE BUILD A MARS BASE OUT OF ASTRONAUT BLOOD.
I'M GUESSING THOSE SCIENTISTS ARE NOT ASTRONAUTS.
THIS INNOVATIVE IDEA COMES FROM LEAD RESEARCHER
DR. ACULA.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
WHY BLOOD?
FANS OF DR. ACULA HERE.
( APPLAUSE ) WHY BLOOD, YOU'RE ASKING?
WELL, RESEARCHERS SAY THAT IT'S POSSIBLE TO USE A SPECIAL
PROTEIN FOUND IN HUMAN BLOOD AS AN IN VIVO BINDER TO CREATE A
KIND OF MARTIAN SOIL CONCRETE THAT CAN BE USED TO BUILD, OR 3D
PRINT, ENTIRE BUILDINGS.
I NOTICE THEY'RE NOT BEING SUPER SPECIFIC ABOUT HOW THEY'RE GONNA
HARVEST ENOUGH ASTRONAUT BLOOD TO 3-D PRINT ENTIRE BUILDINGS.
WELCOME TO YOUR FIRST DAY ON MARS.
HERE'S THE KEY TO YOUR ROOM.
BUT FIRST, WHY DONTCHA JUST HOP ON IN TO THE
OL' DISEM-BLOOD-INATOR.
AFTERWARDS YOU'LL GET A JUICE BOX AND A LORNA DOONE.
AND IT'S NOT JUST BLOOD.
SCIENTISTS EXPLAIN THAT YOU CAN ALSO WHIP UP MARTIAN CONCRETE
WITH: URINE, SWEAT OR EVEN TEARS.
AND IF YOU'RE STRUGGLING TO COLLECT ENOUGH ASTRONAUT TEARS,
TRY TELLING THEM YOU'RE GONNA MAKE BUILDINGS OUT OF THEIR
BLOOD.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
MEANWHILE -- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WHY, WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?
MEANWHILE...
PHILIP MORRIS INTERNATIONAL HAS TAKEN CONTROL OF AN ASTHMA
INHALER MAKER AFTER SECURING NEARLY 75% OF INHALER-MAKER
VECTURA'S SHARES, MAKING IT THE MAJORITY SHAREHOLDER.
THE WORST CONFLICT OF INTEREST SINCE EPIPEN WAS BOUGHT BY
MR. PEANUT.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THIS LIFE-SAVING MEDICATION NOW AVAILABLE HONEY ROASTED.
MEANWHILE, CNN HAS DONE A DEEP DIVE INTO HOW, AND HOW OFTEN, TO
WASH TOWELS.
ACCORDING TO EXPERTS, BATH TOWELS SHOULD BE WASHED EVERY
THREE TO FIVE USES.
OR, FOR YOU COLLEGE STUDENTS, WHENEVER YOU HEAR THE TOWEL
WHISPERING (WHISPERS)
KILL ME.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MELISSA MCCARTHY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪♪
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!
WELCOME BACK.
FOLKS, I AM SO HAPPY TO BE BACK HERE IN THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER
WHERE I CAN HAVE IN-PERSON GUESTS AGAIN.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) BUT THERE ARE STILL TIMES WHEN
SOMEONE I REALLY WANT TO TALK WITH ISN'T ABLE TO BE HERE IN
NEW YORK, WHICH WAS THE CASE WITH TONIGHT'S GUEST, MELISSA
MCCARTHY.
FORTUNATELY, "THE LATE SHOW" HAS BEEN DEVELOPING A REVOLUTIONARY
NEW TECHNOLOGY THAT ALLOWS ME AND A GUEST TO TRANSPORT
OURSELVES TO THE ASTRAL PLANE SO THAT WE CAN BE IN THE SAME
LOCATION AT THE SAME TIME.
IT WORKS LIKE THIS: A HIGH-INTENSITY RAY OF LIGHT,
TEARS OUR BODIES APART AT THE CELLULAR LEVEL, THEN BEAMS US
INTO A VIRTUAL ENVIRONMENT WHERE WE ARE GRAFTED BACK TOGETHER
ATOM-BY-ATOM.
IT'S PRETTY COOL.
BUT YOU ALSO HAVE TO HAVE REALLY GOOD WI-FI.
IT'S STILL IN IT'S TRIAL PHASE, BUT MELISSA HAS AGREED TO TEST
IT OUT WITH ME TONIGHT, SO HERE WE GO: SHE IS A TWO-TIME
EMMY-WINNER AND ACADEMY AWARD NOMINEE YOU KNOW FROM "GILMORE
GIRLS," "BRIDESMAIDS," AND "CAN YOU EVER FORGIVE ME?"
HER NEW FILM IS CALLED "THE STARLING."
>> I THOUGHT MAYBE WE COULD GO UP TO THE LAKE AGAIN WHEN YOU
GET HOME, YOU KNOW, FOR THE FOURTH.
>> SURE.
THAT'S FUN, RIGHT?
YEAH, IT WILL BE JUST LIKE IT WAS, LIKE IT NEVER HAPPENED.
>> I DIDN'T SAY THAT.
NOY.
BUT THAT IS WHY I'M HERE, ISN'T IT?
I'M JUST SUPPOSED TO GO BACK TO BEING MY GOOD OLD SELF SO WE CAN
GO ON WITH OUR LIVES.
>> IT'S JUST GOING TO TAKE TIME.
YOU THINK TIME WILL MAKE US OKAY?
>> I'M NOT SAYING THAT.
I'M JUST SAYING WE CAN'T STAY HERE LIKE THIS.
THIS IS NOT GOOD.
>> I KNOW, BUT I DON'T KNOW HOW I FIT ANYMORE.
>> Stephen: JIM, TRANSFER ME TO MELISSA McCARTHY.
( SPACE SOUNDS ) >> Stephen: GOOD LORD.
WHERE'S MELISSA?
( STRANGE SOUNDS ) ( MELISSA GROANING )
>> THAT WAS ODD.
>> Stephen: BLISSA, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING WITH ME TODAY.
>> THANKS FOR BRINGING ME IN.
>> Stephen: LOVELY TO SEE YOU AGAIN.
>> YOU, TOO.
OH, YES!
>> Stephen: DOWN, DOWN, DOWN.
OH, AAAHHH!
YES!
>> Stephen: THERE YOU GO.
O GOOD TO SEE YOU, TOO.
>> Stephen: GOOD TO SEE YA.
WELL, MELISSA, LET'S MAKE THIS A LITTLE MORE COMFORTABLE.
THAT'S NICE.
THAT'S LOVELY.
>> WOW.
>> Stephen: THAT'S LOVELY.
THAT IS CALMING.
>> Stephen: YOU'RE ALWAYS SO LOVELY TO TALK TO, YOU KNOW,
PARTLY BECAUSE YOU'RE YOU AND YOU'RE WONDERFUL, BUT YOU'VE GOT
THE NICE DLAN, YOU'RE FROM THE -- THE NICE DNA, YOU'RE FROM
THE MIDWEST.
>> I GREW UP ON A CORN AND SOYBEAN FARM.
>> Stephen: YOU ALSO SPENT TIME IN CHICAGO.
>> ONCE I HIT HIGH SCHOOL, TO MY DAD'S HORROR, HE WAS, LIKE, I
MOVED YOU OUT TO A REMOTE FARM TO KEEP YOU OUT OF CHICAGO,
BECAUSE HE GREW UP ON THE SOUTH SIDE, AND HE GOES, IT'S A MOTH
TO A FLAME!
BECAUSE I WENT -- I STARTED -- >> WHAT DID HE SAY?
LIKE, MOTH TO A FLAME!
I CAN'T KEEP YOU OUT OF THE CITY!
I SAID WHAT AM I GOING TO DO IN PLAINFIELD?
SO WE WOULD GO DOWNTOWN AND I STARTED DRESSING GOTHIC.
THERE WAS MEDUSA'S, WHICH IS A BAR WE WENT TO EVERY WEEKEND.
>> I WENT THERE.
DID YOU DANCE ON THE SCAFFOLDING?
>> Stephen: NO, BUT I WENT TO GAY DISCO NIGHT AT BERLINS.
EVERYBODY WHO WENT THERE WENT THERE ON THAT NIGHT BECAUSE IT
WAS A FUN NIGHT.
THE GAY PEOPLE HAD TO FIND OUTNIGHT.
>> BERLIN MAY BE MY FAVORITE BAR.
I DON'T REMEMBER HOW IT HAPPENED.
THERE MIGHT HAVE BEEN A FEW DRINKS INVOLVED, BUT I DO
REMEMBER I WAS ON THIS PEDESTAL DANCING AND TWO DRAG QUEENS TOOK
OFF ONE OF MY LAYERS, I WAS STILL DRESSED, BUT THEY PUT ON
KIND OF A SUNDRESS AND REDRESSED ME.
AD I WAS, LIKE, THIS IS IT.
NOW I'M LIVING.
>> Stephen: HOW OLD WERE YOU WHEN THIS WAS HAPPENING?
>> 1/6, 17.
>> Stephen: SO YOU HAD TO HAVE A FAKE I.D.
( LAUGHTER ) WHERE DID YOU GET YOURS?
>> MY SISTER WAS GOING TO GET A FAKE I.D. AND BEING THE LOVING
SISTER I SAID IF YOU DON'T TAKE ME WITH YOU I'LL TELL MOM AND
DAD.
>> Stephen: THAT'S WHAT YOUNGER SISTERS DO IS SNITCH.
WHO WAS THE VENDOR?
>> I'M PRETTY SURE WE WENT TO UOI CIRCLE CAMPUS, WHICH IS IN
CHICAGO, THE ONE IN CHAMPAGNE, AND WE WENT INTO SOME WEIRD LIKE
DORM ROOM AND THIS GUY HAD MADE A HUGE SCALE THING OF AN
ILLINOIS DRIVER'S LICENSE, AND THEN YOU JUST STOOD BEHIND IT.
SO THAT YOUR NAME AND EVERYTHING WAS HUGE, BUT WHEN HE TOOK THE
PICTURE AND SHRUNK IT DOWN, IT LOOKED REALLY GOOD.
IT WAS NOT ILLINOIS, IT WAS OHIO, TO THROW PEOPLE OFF.
>> Stephen: NO WAY A COP IN ILLINOIS WOULD EVER RECOGNIZE AN
OHIO DRIVERS LICENSE.
>> OHIO'S WAS BIGGER OR SMALLER THAN AN AVERAGE DRIVER'S LICENSE
AND THEY DIDN'T MAKE ATE RIGHT SIZE, SO THEY SET UP A WHOLE
RACKET TO COUNTERFEIT THINGS AND NOBODY WAS, WHAT ARE THE OVERALL
DIMENSIONS?
NOBODY BOTHERED.
THE FIRST TIME I WENT TO AN OHIO BAR, THE GUY WAS, LIKE, ARE YOU
KIDDING?
I SAID, YEAH, IT'S NOT REALLY MY SIZE.
HE SAID WHAT'S YOUR SIGN?
I SAID, I'M NOT INTO SIGNS.
AND HE SAID GET OUT OF HERE BEFORE I CALL THE COPS.
I SAID, CAN I HAVE THE CARD BACK?
HE SAID NO.
I WENT OUT THE ALLEY AND CRAWLED OVER THE FENCE TO THE BEER
GARDEN.
>> Stephen: YOU HAD A GOTH FACE?
>> YEAH, FROM 16 OR 17 TO 19.
>> Stephen: BUT YOU SEEM SO CLEARLY FOR SOMEONE WHO HAD A
GOTH PHASE.
>> IF I KEPT MY MOUTH SHUT I WOULD LOOK VERY MENACING.
I LOOKED LIKE I WAS GOING TO MURDER SOMEBODY AND THE SECOND
THIS STARTED WORKING, I LOST ALL CREDIBILITY.
>> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE A QUICK BREAK, BUT STICK AROUND.
BACK WITH MORE MELISSA MCCARTHY.
♪♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
♪♪
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY.
WE'RE BACK HERE IN VIRTUAL PARADISE WITH MELISSA
McCARTHY.
YOU'RE STARRING IN THE NEW MOVIE CALLED "THE STARLING," AND WHAT
IS THIS ABOUT?
ARE YOU THE STARLING?
>> I'M NOT, NO, BUT I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO PLAYING A BIRD AT
SOME POINT.
( LAUGHTER ) THIS IS -- IT'S A REALLY LOVELY
STORY.
TED MALFY WHO I DID SZ ST. VINCENT WITH, HE DIRECTED
IT, AND IT'S, YOU KNOW, A COMPLICATED KIND OF
HEARTBREAKING HOPEFUL STORY ABOUT MARRIAGE AND LOVE AND LOSS
AND KIND OF YOU HAVE TO FIGHT FOR THE LIFE YOU WANT, AND CHRIS
O'DOWD IS IN IT WITH ME AND KEVIN KLINE.
IT'S A LOVELY STORY.
I'M TRYING TO GET MY LIFE BACK TOGETHER AND THERE'S A BIRD IN
MY YARD THAT KEEPS ATTACKING ME.
THIS BIRD LITERALLY BECOMES MY NEMESIS, THEN WE KIND OF HAVE
PARALLEL LIVES.
IT'S REALLY LOVELY AND IN THE END VERY HOPEFUL.
>> Stephen: THE CHARACTER HAS TO BATTLE THIS BIRD THAT KEEPS
SWOOPING AT LILY?
>> YEAH, COMING AT ME.
>> Stephen: DID THEY HAVE A TENNIS BALL ON A STICK BECAUSE I
UNDERSTAND IT'S A C.G.I. BIRD.
>> IT IS A C.G.I. BIRD.
A LOT OF TIMES IT WAS TOO HIGH UP TO PUT ANYTHING, SO TED WOULD
TELL ME WHERE IT WAS.
HE STARTED WITHOUT TELLING ME, SO IT WAS A PRETTY EMOTIONAL
SCENE, AND I'M LOOKING UP A AT THIS BIRD AND YOU HEAR TED
STANDING OVER THE MONITOR GOING --
( CAWING ) AND I WAS, LIKE, WHAT THE HELL
IS THAT, HEAD TED?
AND HE SAID, I'M TRYING TO HELP YOU BY DOING THE BIRD.
AND THERE WAS NO WARNING, WE LAUGHED SO HARD.
THEN AS WE WENT ALONG, WEIRDLY, I WAS, LIKE, OKAY, CAN YOU DO
THE BIRD THING AGAIN?
THEN I NEEDED IT.
BUT WE HAVE ALL THIS WEIRD VIDEO FOOTAGE OF TED BEING LIKE --
( CAWING ) >> Stephen: IS THAT WHAT
STARLINGS SOUND LIKE IS THIS.
>> HE LOOKED IT UP.
>> Stephen: THEY'RE LITTLE BIRDS, AREN'T THEY?
>> NOT IF YOU ASK TED MALFY.
>> Stephen: YOUR CO-STAR CHRIS O'DOWD WAS ALSO IN
"BRIDESMAIDS."
WE'VE GOT A LITTLE PHOTO HERE.
THERE YOU ARE TOGETHER.
>> LOOK AT THAT.
>> Stephen: ALONG WITH WILSON PHILLIPS THERE.
>> AS THEY SHOULD BE.
>> Stephen: YEAH.
IT'S TEN YEARS SINCE THE MOVIE CAME OUT.
I'LL THROW THIS TO YOU.
>> OH, YEAH, THROW IT OVER.
OH, YEAH!
GOT IT!
>> Stephen: THERE YOU GO.
LOOK AT THAT!
>> Stephen: TEN YEARS LATER, IS THERE SOMETHING THAT WE DON'T
KNOW ABOUT THE MAKING OF THAT MOVIE?
>> WELL, MANY THINGS.
THERE WAS -- WELL, SO MANY -- LIKE SO MANY OF US HAD BEEN
FRIENDS FOR A LONG TIME, ALREADY.
I'M ALWAYS ABOUT THREE TO FOUR YEARS LATE WITH TECHNOLOGY.
>> Stephen: OKAY.
O, TRULY -- LIKE RIGHT NOW I WOULD BE, LIKE, HAVE YOU GUYS
HEARD OF Facebook?
I'M, LIKE, I STILL WRITE LETTERS.
>> Stephen: SURE.
BUT I HAD JUST -- THIS WAS TEN YEARS AGO.
I WAS, LIKE, DO YOU KNOW WHO THERE'S AN APP THAT CAN MAKE YOU
OLD OR CAN MAKE YOU INTO A GUY?
THE ONE THAT'S BEEN AROUND FOR THREE YEARS.
IT WAS BRAND-NEW TO ME, SO I CONSTANTLY WAS MAKING US ALL
INTO MEN, ESPECIALLY OLDER MEN.
WHEN WE WERE OUT ON THE WATER IN THE LAST SCENE BEFORE WILSON
PHILLIPS COMES ON, WE WERE TRAPPED ON THERE BECAUSE WE WERE
ON LITTLE MED STALLS IN WATER.
I CAN'T NAME NAMES, BUT I WOULD SAY MORE THAN TWO AND LESS THAN
FIVE OF US WERE LAUGHING SO HARD THAT WE MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE WET
OR PANTS.
SO THAT'S A FUN FACT THAT'S NEVER BEEN TOLD.
>> Stephen: IN A TAFFETA DRESS?
>> YEAH.
YOU SAY THAT AS IF THAT'S ODD.
I ONLY GO TO THE BATHROOM IN TAFFETA.
>> Stephen: VERY ABSORBENT.
THE WICKING PROPERTIES OF TAFFETA ARE NOT AS WELL KNOWN AS
THEY SHOULD BE.
>> Stephen: WHEN WE GET BACK, I'LL ASK MISSA ABOUT HER BRIEF
AND EXCITING BASEBALL CAREER.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪♪
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY.
WE'RE BACK HERE WITH THE STAR OF THE NEW MOVIE "THE STARLING,"
MELISSA McCARTHY.
YOU HAVE GOTTEN SO MANY ACCOLADES.
TWO EMMYS, TWO OSCAR NOMINATIONS.
THAT NUB A HEADY EVENING, THE OSCAR NOMINATION.
>> IT'S WILD.
>> Stephen: MOST IMPRESSIVELY, YOU NOW HAVE AN OFFICIAL TOPS
BASEBALL TRADING CARD.
>> I DO?
>> Stephen: YES.
YOU HAVE A TOPS BASEBALL CARD.
WE GOT THIS ON eBAY.
HOW MUCH WAS THIS?
IT WAS 1.50.
>> THAT'S GOOD.
KA-CHING.
>> Stephen: HOW DID YOU GET ON A BASEBALL CARD?
WHAT'S THE STORY?
>> THAT WAS FROM WHEN I THREW A PITCH OUT FOR THE L.A. DODGERS,
AND I WAS THERE AND BRYAN WILSON, THE PITCHER, WITH THE --
>> Stephen: THE LEADER OF THE BEACH BOYS, BRYAN WILSON?
>> AND A PITCHER FOR THE L.A.
DODGERS.
>> Stephen: MENTAL, LOCKED IN HIS BASEMENT BY HIS FATHER?
>> AND A HELL OF A PITCHER.
( LAUGHTER ) HE WAS THERE AND HAS A GIGANTIC
BEARD AND KEEPS IT CRAZY, CRAZY BLACK LIKE HE'S JUST DUMPED IT
INTO INK AT ALL TIMES.
AND WHEN YOU'RE WITH HIM, BECAUSE IT'S SO JARRING TO LOOK
AT, I THINK HE'S TRYING TO PSYCH PEOPLE OUT, AT LEAST THAT'S MY
THING.
HE'S VERY STOIC AND DIDN'T SAY A LOT.
BUT I'VE WHICH ONCE IN A WHILE, BEN AND I WERE STANDING THERE,
AND HE SAID JUST SO YOU KNOW, HOWEVER YOUR PITCH GOES AFFECTS
THE ENTIRE GAME TO HAVE THE SEASON AND ESPECIALLY FOR MY
FAMILY.
I WOULD WAIT FOR HIM TO STOP TALKING.
HE WAS SO FUNNY.
HE KEPT SAYING WEIRD THINGS.
I SAID, YOU'RE GIVING ME ADVICE.
HE SAID, I'M TELLING YOU, YOU WILL DESTROY MY FAMILY.
AND THEN THIS GUY WHO WAS BUILT LIKE A MACK TRUCK, SAID, TURN ON
THAT TOMATO, AVOCADO.
AND I SAID, PWEE, YOU'RE BUILT LIKE A TANK.
HE'D GO, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
>> Stephen: MY BROTHER COLLECTS TOP TRADING CARDS.
WOULD YOU SIGN THIS?
VERY WELL DONE.
VERY PROFESSIONALLY DONE.
>> THERE WE GO, GUYS.
IF YOU WANT TO SEE A PICTURE OF ME IN PRETTY HARSH LIGHTING --
>> Stephen: I BELIEVE THAT'S CALLED SUNLIGHT.
( LAUGHTER ) THAT'S GREAT.
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
>> I THOUGHT I COULD KEEP IT.
>> Stephen: MELISSA, SO LOVELY TO TALK TO YOU.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
>> THANK YOU!
>> Stephen: STARLING STARLING IS IN THEATERS SEPTEMBER 17 AND
ON NETFLIX 1E79 24th.
MELISSA McCARTHY, EVERYBODY.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
♪♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> BEFORE WE GET TO THE NEXT SEGMENT.
WE HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO FIGURE OUT IF THIS SHOW IS BROADCAST IN
TRADE, BUT IF NICKI MINAJ'S COUSIN'S FRIEND OR HIS FIANCEÉ I
WATCHING WE WANT TO HEAR YOUR STORY.
>> HEY, KIDS.
IF YOU LIKE VACCINE SKEPTICISM, HEAD TO THE FOX NEWS GAG GIFT
SHOP TO PURCHASE A WACKY LIVE GRENADE, REAL GUN.
THE FOX NEWS GAG GIFT SHOP, WHO SAID KILLING YOUR AUDIENCE CAN'T
BE FUN?
>> STEPHEN: OUR MUSICAL GUEST IS THE WRITER, PRODUCER, AND
PERFORMER OF SOME OF THE BIGGEST FLEETWOOD MAC HITS.
PERFORMING " ON THE WRONG SIDE" FROM HIS SELF-TITLED ALBUM,
LINDSEY BUCKINGHAM!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪ ♪ ♪
♪ ♪ ♪
♪ ON THE WRONG SIDE ♪ ♪ ♪
♪ ♪ ♪
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> STEPHEN: LINDSEY BUCKINGHAM,
EVERYBODY.
THAT'S IT FOR THE LATE SHOW.
JAMES CORDEN IS NEXT.
GOODNIGHT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THAT WAS FANTASTIC.