1 00:00:01,334 --> 00:00:03,803 >> IN MENTAL HEALTH, THE "WALL STREET JOURNAL" FOUND INTERNAL 2 00:00:03,870 --> 00:00:08,341 SLIDES SHOWING EXECUTIVES KNEW INSTAGRAM MAKES TEEN GIRLS FEEL 3 00:00:08,408 --> 00:00:12,412 BADLY ABOUT THEMSELVES AND DID NOTHING ABOUT IT. 4 00:00:12,479 --> 00:00:14,414 ONE SLIDE SAYING WE MAKE BODY IMAGE WORSE FOR ONE IN THREE 5 00:00:14,481 --> 00:00:16,216 TEEN GIRLS. 6 00:00:16,282 --> 00:00:18,385 YET THE COMPANY CONTINUED WITHOUT CHANGES. 7 00:00:18,451 --> 00:00:25,625 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> HEY, EVERYONE. 8 00:00:25,692 --> 00:00:29,429 WELCOME TO OUR ALL-HANDS STAFF MEETING. 9 00:00:29,496 --> 00:00:32,932 TODAY, WE ARE GOING TO TALK ABOUT DATA THAT SUGGESTS OUR APP 10 00:00:32,999 --> 00:00:34,601 INSTAGRAM SETS UNREALISTIC AND UNHEALTHY EXPECTATIONS FOR 11 00:00:34,667 --> 00:00:36,436 TEENAGERS. 12 00:00:36,503 --> 00:00:40,840 I'VE DECIDED THAT WHAT WE SHOULD DO ABOUT THIS IS ABSOLUTELY 13 00:00:40,907 --> 00:00:42,375 NOTHING. 14 00:00:42,442 --> 00:00:47,614 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THE FACT IS THERE'S ALWAYS GOING 15 00:00:47,680 --> 00:00:50,383 TO BE CONTENT FROM UNATTAINABLY SEXY PEOPLE THAT MAKES OTHERS 16 00:00:50,450 --> 00:00:53,453 FEEL INFERIOR, LIKE ME RIDING ON A HOVER SURFBOARD WITH AN 17 00:00:53,520 --> 00:00:54,454 AMERICAN FLAG. 18 00:00:54,521 --> 00:00:59,459 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) OR ME LOOKING FLY IN MY 19 00:00:59,526 --> 00:01:00,593 SUNSCREEN. 20 00:01:00,660 --> 00:01:06,366 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WHO WOULDN'T BE DRIVEN MAD WITH 21 00:01:06,433 --> 00:01:08,468 INSECURITY AFTER SEEING ME EATING TOAST, JUST LIKE PEOPLE 22 00:01:08,535 --> 00:01:10,370 DO. 23 00:01:10,437 --> 00:01:14,374 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) BECAUSE I CARE ABOUT PEOPLE. 24 00:01:14,441 --> 00:01:18,111 THAT'S WHY I'M HERE, WITH ALL OF YOU REAL PEOPLE, IN PERSON, IN 25 00:01:18,178 --> 00:01:18,711 THIS REAL PLACE! 26 00:01:18,778 --> 00:01:22,415 ANYWAYS, GREAT TO SEE YOU! 27 00:01:23,416 --> 00:01:32,025 >> Announcer: IT'S "THE LATE SHOW" WITH STEPHEN COLBERT! 28 00:01:32,091 --> 00:01:34,360 TONIGHT, DEJA Q. 29 00:01:34,427 --> 00:01:40,633 PLUS STEPHEN WELCOMES MELISSA MCCARTHY, AND MUSICAL GUEST 30 00:01:40,700 --> 00:01:47,707 LINDSEY BUCKINGHAM, FEATURING JON BATISTE AND "STAY HUMAN." 31 00:01:47,774 --> 00:01:52,812 AND, NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK 32 00:01:52,879 --> 00:02:00,487 CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT! 33 00:02:02,455 --> 00:02:12,465 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: GOOD TO SEE YOU. 34 00:02:20,840 --> 00:02:24,410 ( AUDIENCE CHANTING STEPHEN ) >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY! 35 00:02:24,477 --> 00:02:26,379 PLEASE, HAVE A SEAT, EVERYBODY. 36 00:02:26,446 --> 00:02:30,183 WELCOME -- WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW," ONE AND ALL. 37 00:02:30,250 --> 00:02:34,020 I AM YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT. 38 00:02:34,087 --> 00:02:35,555 LADIES AND GENTLEMEN -- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 39 00:02:35,622 --> 00:02:38,024 -- TONIGHT IN WASHINGTON, D.C., THE CITY IS ON HIGH ALERT. 40 00:02:38,091 --> 00:02:39,726 THE NATIONAL GUARD HAS BEEN CALLED OUT, BARRICADES HAVE BEEN 41 00:02:39,792 --> 00:02:42,328 REINSTALLED IN FRONT OF THE CAPITOL, LIBERTY IS GIRDING HER 42 00:02:42,395 --> 00:02:46,499 LOINS, AND THEY POPPED A CONDOM ON THE WASHINGTON MONUMENT. 43 00:02:46,566 --> 00:02:50,503 EVERYONE'S WORRIED BECAUSE UP TO 700 PEOPLE ARE EXPECTED TO 44 00:02:50,570 --> 00:02:54,941 ATTEND SATURDAY'S JUSTICE FOR J-6 RALLY IN SUPPORT OF THOSE 45 00:02:55,008 --> 00:03:01,781 WHO RIOTED AT THE US CAPITOL ON JANUARY 6TH. 46 00:03:01,848 --> 00:03:02,515 YEAH. 47 00:03:02,582 --> 00:03:06,519 YEAH. 48 00:03:06,586 --> 00:03:07,353 YEAH. 49 00:03:07,420 --> 00:03:09,989 ( BOOING ) YOU WERE A LITTLE LATE WITH 50 00:03:10,056 --> 00:03:10,557 THAT. 51 00:03:10,623 --> 00:03:12,692 YOU WERE A LITTLE LATE. 52 00:03:12,759 --> 00:03:18,498 ( LAUGHTER ) FOLKS, DO WE REALLY NEED TO GO 53 00:03:18,565 --> 00:03:20,567 THROUGH THIS AGAIN? 54 00:03:20,633 --> 00:03:21,501 >> AUDIENCE: NO! 55 00:03:21,568 --> 00:03:27,840 >> Stephen: IT REMINDS ME OF THE FAMOUS QUOTE 56 00:03:27,907 --> 00:03:31,644 "THOSE WHO FAIL TO LEARN FROM HISTORY WILL BE AT THIS RALLY." 57 00:03:31,711 --> 00:03:33,613 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) BUT I'M ALL FOR JUSTICE FOR THE 58 00:03:33,680 --> 00:03:37,917 PEOPLE WHO ATTACKED THE CAPITOL ON JANUARY 6TH. 59 00:03:37,984 --> 00:03:41,888 HAVE THEY LOCKED UP THE MAIN GUY WHO 60 00:03:41,955 --> 00:03:42,722 STARTED THE WHOLE THING YET? 61 00:03:42,789 --> 00:03:44,557 HIS NAME'S ON THE TIP OF MY TONGUE... 62 00:03:44,624 --> 00:03:50,630 ...AND IT TASTES TERRIBLE. 63 00:03:50,697 --> 00:03:52,298 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AT FIRST, I THOUGHT THIS RALLY 64 00:03:52,365 --> 00:03:54,467 WAS SOME KIND OF STING OPERATION, LIKE WHEN THEY OFFER 65 00:03:54,534 --> 00:03:59,072 SUPER BOWL TICKETS TO VERY STUPID FUGITIVES. 66 00:03:59,138 --> 00:04:00,840 ( LAUGHTER ) HI, I WAS TOLD I COULD MEET TOM 67 00:04:00,907 --> 00:04:04,844 BRADY ANNNNND I'M BEING HANDCUFFED. 68 00:04:04,911 --> 00:04:08,481 CAN I AT LEAST MEET GRONK? 69 00:04:08,548 --> 00:04:10,783 ( LAUGHTER ) DEMOCRATS HAVE BEEN ADVISED TO 70 00:04:10,850 --> 00:04:12,885 LEAVE TOWN, NO REPUBLICAN MEMBERS OF CONGRESS HAVE SAID 71 00:04:12,952 --> 00:04:14,153 THEY'RE GOING. 72 00:04:14,220 --> 00:04:16,856 THE RALLY IS EVEN BEING SKIPPED BY FORMER PRESIDENT 73 00:04:16,923 --> 00:04:20,760 "SWEENY FRAUD." 74 00:04:20,827 --> 00:04:24,831 ( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 75 00:04:24,897 --> 00:04:28,801 REPORTEDLY, HE VIEWS THE PLANNED PROTEST AS A SETUP THAT THE NEWS 76 00:04:28,868 --> 00:04:32,639 MEDIA WILL USE AGAINST HIM REGARDLESS OF THE OUTCOME. 77 00:04:32,705 --> 00:04:36,843 YEP, HE'S DAMNED IF HE DOES AND DAMNED IF HE DOESN'T. 78 00:04:36,909 --> 00:04:44,851 POINT IS, HE CAN GO TO HELL. 79 00:04:44,917 --> 00:04:55,428 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) BUT NOW WE HAVE A NEW PRESIDENT, 80 00:04:55,495 --> 00:04:56,829 AND HE'S MAKING NEWS. 81 00:04:56,896 --> 00:04:58,931 YESTERDAY, JOE BIDEN HELD A NATIONAL SECURITY EVENT AND WAS 82 00:04:58,998 --> 00:05:04,671 JOINED VIRTUALLY BY BRITISH, AUSTRALIAN P.M.S. 83 00:05:04,737 --> 00:05:08,841 OF COURSE, IN AUSTRALIA, BECAUSE OF THE TIME DIFFERENCE, THE P.M. 84 00:05:08,908 --> 00:05:12,378 IS TECHNICALLY THE A.M.. 85 00:05:12,445 --> 00:05:15,448 ( LAUGHTER ) THIS IS AN IMPORTANT ONE... 86 00:05:15,515 --> 00:05:16,949 THE PURPOSE OF THE NATIONAL SECURITY ZOOM CALL WAS TO 87 00:05:17,016 --> 00:05:20,353 ANNOUNCE A TRILATERAL SECURITY PARTNERSHIP WITH BRITAIN AND 88 00:05:20,420 --> 00:05:21,821 AUSTRALIA. 89 00:05:21,888 --> 00:05:24,557 IN IT, THE U.S. ANNOUNCED IT WOULD SHARE ITS NUCLEAR-POWERED 90 00:05:24,624 --> 00:05:26,492 SUBMARINE TECHNOLOGY WITH AUSTRALIA AS PART OF A NEW 91 00:05:26,559 --> 00:05:27,760 DEFENSE PARTNERSHIP. 92 00:05:27,827 --> 00:05:31,497 THAT'S A BIG CHANGE IN FOREIGN POLICY. 93 00:05:31,564 --> 00:05:34,467 THE LAST PRESIDENT WOULD NEVER SHARE A SUB, OR REALLY ANY 94 00:05:34,534 --> 00:05:36,569 SANDWICH. 95 00:05:36,636 --> 00:05:42,742 ( LAUGHTER ) ( PIANO RIFF ) 96 00:05:42,809 --> 00:05:48,548 ( APPLAUSE ) PRISON STYLE. 97 00:05:48,614 --> 00:05:50,249 AUSTRALIA REALLY NEEDS THIS. 98 00:05:50,316 --> 00:05:51,851 BECAUSE THEY HAVE SOME REAL PROBLEMS WITH THEIR OLD 99 00:05:51,918 --> 00:05:54,487 SUBMARINE TECHNOLOGY. 100 00:05:54,554 --> 00:06:00,560 TAKE A LOOK. 101 00:06:00,626 --> 00:06:07,467 ( PINGING SOUND ) >> Stephen: IT'S JUST POOR 102 00:06:07,533 --> 00:06:12,572 PLANNING IS WHAT THAT IS. 103 00:06:12,638 --> 00:06:18,544 ( APPLAUSE ) THIS ALLIANCE ANNOUNCEMENT IS 104 00:06:18,611 --> 00:06:22,248 REALLY BIG. 105 00:06:22,315 --> 00:06:24,550 IT'S THE FIRST TIME SINCE 1958 THAT WE'RE SHARING OUR NUCLEAR 106 00:06:24,617 --> 00:06:26,486 SUB SECRETS. 107 00:06:26,552 --> 00:06:31,390 CHINA IS UPSET AND SAYS WE'RE FACING A NEW COLD WAR, BUT THE 108 00:06:31,457 --> 00:06:32,625 TAKEAWAY FROM THIS HISTORIC MEETING IS THAT BIDEN APPEARED 109 00:06:32,692 --> 00:06:34,861 TO FORGET THE AUSTRALIAN PRIME MINISTER'S NAME: 110 00:06:34,927 --> 00:06:36,496 THANK YOU, BORIS, AND -- AND I WANT TO THANK THAT FELLOW 111 00:06:36,562 --> 00:06:38,030 DOWN UNDER. 112 00:06:38,097 --> 00:06:38,865 THANK YOU VERY MUCH, PAL. 113 00:06:38,931 --> 00:06:41,100 APPRECIATE IT, MISTER PRIME MINISTER. 114 00:06:41,167 --> 00:06:44,604 >> Stephen: THANK YOU, PAL. 115 00:06:44,670 --> 00:06:46,272 THIS GUY. 116 00:06:46,339 --> 00:06:46,939 THANK YOU SO MUCH. 117 00:06:47,006 --> 00:06:50,743 THANK YOU, PAL. 118 00:06:50,810 --> 00:06:56,849 MR. PRIME MINISTER, CHIEF, BIG GUY, CROCODILE DUNDEE. 119 00:06:56,916 --> 00:07:01,788 KOALA KID, OL' PLATYPUS PETE. 120 00:07:01,854 --> 00:07:03,022 "MAN FROM THE LAND DOWN UNDER, WHERE THE BEER DOES FLOW AND MEN 121 00:07:03,089 --> 00:07:03,689 CHUNDER." 122 00:07:03,756 --> 00:07:07,326 YOU'RE MY KANGAROO JACK, JACK. 123 00:07:07,393 --> 00:07:08,494 I'M YOUR LITTLE JOEY. 124 00:07:08,561 --> 00:07:10,129 THROW ME IN YOUR POUCH, AND LET'S GO GET A BLOOMIN' ONION. 125 00:07:10,196 --> 00:07:15,434 LET'S BUILD BACK OUTBACK BETTER I'M KIDDIN' AROUND. 126 00:07:15,501 --> 00:07:21,307 I'M NOT KIDDIN' AROUND ABOUT KIDDIN' AROUND. 127 00:07:21,374 --> 00:07:23,242 ( LAUGHTER ) CRIKEY! 128 00:07:23,309 --> 00:07:31,250 ( APPLAUSE ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 129 00:07:31,317 --> 00:07:33,319 YOU GUYS ARE A CHEAP DATE. 130 00:07:33,386 --> 00:07:35,421 I LIKE IT. 131 00:07:35,488 --> 00:07:40,026 SOME ARE CALLING THIS THE BLUNDER FROM DOWN UNDER. 132 00:07:40,092 --> 00:07:41,294 SO FAR, JUST ME. 133 00:07:41,360 --> 00:07:44,130 AND IT'S PRETTY DUMB. 134 00:07:44,197 --> 00:07:53,005 I MEAN, WE ALL KNOW THE NAME OF AUSTRALIAN PRIME MINISTER: 135 00:07:53,072 --> 00:07:55,608 MR. INCORRECT PASS CODE. 136 00:07:55,675 --> 00:07:57,076 ( LAUGHTER ) WELL, THAT'S THE NEWS FROM DOWN 137 00:07:57,143 --> 00:07:59,212 UNDER, HERE IN THE UP OVER, THE SPACE RACE HAS BEEN HEATING UP, 138 00:07:59,278 --> 00:08:01,314 INSPIRING BILLIONAIRES EVERYWHERE TO BUILD THEIR OWN 139 00:08:01,380 --> 00:08:04,617 GIANT FIRE-PENIS. 140 00:08:04,684 --> 00:08:06,385 ( LAUGHTER ) BUT NOW AVERAGE JOES ARE GETTIN' 141 00:08:06,452 --> 00:08:08,888 IN ON THE GAME, AND I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT IN OUR LATEST 142 00:08:08,955 --> 00:08:11,424 INSTALLMENT OF (ECHOING) 143 00:08:11,490 --> 00:08:15,394 >> SPACE NEWS! 144 00:08:15,461 --> 00:08:21,300 CIVILIANS IN SPACE EDITION! 145 00:08:21,367 --> 00:08:27,940 >> WHAT'S THE WIFI PASSWORD? 146 00:08:28,007 --> 00:08:29,408 >> STEPHEN: LAST NIGHT, AEROSPACE COMPANY SPACEX MADE 147 00:08:29,475 --> 00:08:31,077 HISTORY BY LAUNCHING THE FIRST ALL-CIVILIAN CREW TO ORBIT THE 148 00:08:31,143 --> 00:08:32,078 EARTH. 149 00:08:32,144 --> 00:08:33,212 MEANING, THERE WERE NO PROFESSIONAL ASTRONAUTS ON 150 00:08:33,279 --> 00:08:34,447 BOARD. 151 00:08:34,513 --> 00:08:37,316 HOUSTON WE HAVE A PROBLEM, BUT I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THE PROBLEM 152 00:08:37,383 --> 00:08:41,320 IS, SINCE I OWN A CHAIN OF LAUNDROMATS. 153 00:08:41,387 --> 00:08:45,324 I HAVE ALREADY CLEANED THE LINT TRAP. 154 00:08:45,391 --> 00:08:49,295 I'M GONNA TRY PUTTIN' IN MORE QUARTERS. 155 00:08:49,362 --> 00:08:53,299 ( LAUGHTER ) ( PIANO RIFF ) 156 00:08:53,366 --> 00:08:57,703 ( APPLAUSE ) >> Jon: I GOT YOU, I GOT YOU. 157 00:08:57,770 --> 00:09:00,873 >> Stephen: THE MISSION IS CALLED 158 00:09:00,940 --> 00:09:02,842 INSPIRATION 4, AND ITS FEARLESS CIVILIAN LEADER IS BILLIONAIRE 159 00:09:02,909 --> 00:09:05,311 C.E.O. AND COLLEGE ROOMMATE WHO'S JUST GOING TO STICK AROUND 160 00:09:05,378 --> 00:09:09,515 WHILE YOU GUYS MAKE OUT, JARED ISAACMAN. 161 00:09:09,582 --> 00:09:13,352 ISAACMAN BOUGHT THIS FLIGHT BECAUSE HE HOPES TO RAISE $200 162 00:09:13,419 --> 00:09:15,755 MILLION FOR KIDS WITH CANCER. 163 00:09:15,821 --> 00:09:17,323 IT'S A NOBLE GOAL, BUT WHEN YOU'RE A BILLIONAIRE, YOU CAN 164 00:09:17,390 --> 00:09:21,861 PRETTY MUCH SAY ANY OF YOUR FANCY HOBBIES ARE FOR CHARITY. 165 00:09:21,928 --> 00:09:25,298 (AS POMPOUS RICH GUY) SEX PARTY AT MY PLACE, IT'S FOR 166 00:09:25,364 --> 00:09:27,366 AFFORDABLE HOUSING. 167 00:09:27,433 --> 00:09:29,302 AFTER THAT, WE'RE GOING TO SHOOT THE LAST LIVING WHITE RHINO FOR 168 00:09:29,368 --> 00:09:33,306 MESOTHELIOMA. 169 00:09:33,372 --> 00:09:35,708 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 170 00:09:35,775 --> 00:09:37,310 HERE'S A LOOK AT LAST NIGHT'S LAUNCH. 171 00:09:37,376 --> 00:09:39,178 SINCE THIS CREW IS ALL CIVILIANS, THE SPACE CAPSULE IS 172 00:09:39,245 --> 00:09:41,314 OPERATED COMPLETELY AUTONOMOUSLY. 173 00:09:41,380 --> 00:09:45,217 BUT THAT DIDN'T STOP THE PASSENGERS FROM HAING FUN WITH 174 00:09:45,284 --> 00:09:46,185 THE TOUCHSCREENS. 175 00:09:46,252 --> 00:09:53,326 (AS SPACE-GOER) OKAY, LOOKS LIKE WE HAVE "I AM 176 00:09:53,392 --> 00:09:57,363 LEGEND" AND ONE EPISODE FROM SEASON 2 OF "LOIS AND CLARK." 177 00:09:57,430 --> 00:10:05,304 I'M GONNA ORDER A SNACK-BOX. 178 00:10:05,371 --> 00:10:07,740 UNLIKE BEZOS AND RICHARD BRANSON'S ROCKETS, THE 179 00:10:07,807 --> 00:10:09,241 INSPIRATION 4 CREW ISN'T JUST POPPING INTO SPACE FOR A FEW 180 00:10:09,308 --> 00:10:10,509 MINUTES. 181 00:10:10,576 --> 00:10:13,346 IT'LL BE A THREE-DAY JOURNEY IN ORBIT, CIRCLING THE EARTH EVERY 182 00:10:13,412 --> 00:10:15,648 90 MINUTES. 183 00:10:15,715 --> 00:10:17,316 THREE DAYS WASN'T THE ORIGINAL PLAN, BUT PARKING ON EARTH IS 184 00:10:17,383 --> 00:10:23,089 REALLY TOUGH RIGHT NOW. 185 00:10:23,155 --> 00:10:26,158 SOMEBODY PUT UP SOME CONES OR SOMETHING. 186 00:10:26,225 --> 00:10:28,060 ( LAUGHTER ) SOME OF THE MONEY WILL BE RAISED 187 00:10:28,127 --> 00:10:29,328 BY AUCTIONING OFF ITEMS THE CREW IS TAKING INTO ORBIT. 188 00:10:29,395 --> 00:10:31,897 LIKE A UKULELE THAT ONE OF THE PASSENGERS WILL PLAY ABOARD THE 189 00:10:31,964 --> 00:10:33,299 SPACECRAFT. 190 00:10:33,366 --> 00:10:36,268 SO IT'S THREE DAYS TRAPPED IN A CONFINED SPACE WITH THE GUY WHO 191 00:10:36,335 --> 00:10:45,311 PULLS OUT THE UKULELE AT A PARTY. 192 00:10:45,378 --> 00:10:52,351 ( APPLAUSE ) IN SPACE NO ONE CAN YOU HEAR YOU 193 00:10:52,418 --> 00:10:57,323 SCREAM, "PUT THAT (BLEEP) UKULELE AWAY." 194 00:10:57,390 --> 00:11:02,661 ( LAUGHTER ) HARD-HITTING JOKE. 195 00:11:02,728 --> 00:11:04,397 BACK ON EARTH, THE COVID VACCINE HAS BEEN PREVENTING SERIOUS 196 00:11:04,463 --> 00:11:07,199 OUTBREAKS FOR MONTHS, BUT THAT HASN'T STOPPED CONSPIRACY 197 00:11:07,266 --> 00:11:10,536 THEORISTS FROM COMING UP WITH THEIR OWN QUACKTASTIC COVID 198 00:11:10,603 --> 00:11:11,537 CURES. 199 00:11:11,604 --> 00:11:13,873 I'LL TELL YOU THE LATEST IN TONIGHT'S EDITION OF 200 00:11:13,939 --> 00:11:16,675 DISINFORMATION STATION! 201 00:11:16,742 --> 00:11:21,981 THE VACCINE'LL GIVE YOUR OVARIES 5G! 202 00:11:22,048 --> 00:11:24,850 >> Stephen: GOOD TO KNOW. 203 00:11:24,917 --> 00:11:26,285 THE LATEST NONSENSE COVID TREATMENT MAKING THE ROUNDS ON 204 00:11:26,352 --> 00:11:27,720 FACEBOOK CLAIMS THAT, THE CORONAVIRUS CAN BE KILLED BY 205 00:11:27,787 --> 00:11:29,655 INHALING ONION FUMES AND EATING ONIONS. 206 00:11:29,722 --> 00:11:31,924 OK, THAT WON'T CURE COVID, BUT IT WILL MAKE YOU AN ABSOLUTE 207 00:11:31,991 --> 00:11:34,326 NIGHTMARE FOR THE PERSON TESTING YOU. 208 00:11:34,393 --> 00:11:36,362 OK, JUST PULL DOWN YOUR MASK, AND... 209 00:11:36,429 --> 00:11:37,897 OH DEAR GOD I DIDN'T KNOW A TONGUE 210 00:11:37,963 --> 00:11:41,901 COULD HAVE B.O.. 211 00:11:41,967 --> 00:11:44,003 IT'S NOT JUST EATING. 212 00:11:44,070 --> 00:11:48,140 THE SAME POSTS ALSO CLAIM THAT SIMPLY PLACING ONIONS AROUND 213 00:11:48,207 --> 00:11:49,708 YOUR HOUSE CAN WARD OFF THE VIRUS. 214 00:11:49,775 --> 00:11:53,913 AND IF YOU ADD GARLIC, YOU CAN WARD OFF VAMPIRES THAT HAVE THE 215 00:11:53,979 --> 00:11:54,814 VIRUS. 216 00:11:54,880 --> 00:11:56,015 ( LAUGHTER ) ANOTHER FAKE COVID CURE MAKING 217 00:11:56,082 --> 00:12:00,853 THE ROUNDS: ANTI-VAXXERS ARE GARGLING THE ANTISEPTIC 218 00:12:00,920 --> 00:12:04,090 BETADINE, WHICH IS TYPICALLY USED TO KILL BACTERIA IN WOUNDS 219 00:12:04,156 --> 00:12:08,794 AND IS OCCASIONALLY USED AS A DOUCHE. 220 00:12:08,861 --> 00:12:09,929 ( AUDIENCE REACTS ) YOU HEAR THAT, DUMMIES? 221 00:12:09,995 --> 00:12:17,903 IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE USED AS A DOUCHE NOT BY A DOUCHE. 222 00:12:17,970 --> 00:12:19,438 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( LAUGHTER ) 223 00:12:19,505 --> 00:12:20,739 GOOD TO KNOW. 224 00:12:20,806 --> 00:12:24,210 IT'S JUST GOOD TO KNOW. 225 00:12:24,276 --> 00:12:25,911 UNFORTUNATELY, THIS CURE-NONE HAS BECOME SO POPULAR THAT 226 00:12:25,978 --> 00:12:29,915 BETADINE HAS HAD TO ADD A PAGE TO THEIR WEBSITE RESPONDING TO 227 00:12:29,982 --> 00:12:32,017 QUESTIONS LIKE CAN I USE BETADINE PRODUCTS TO KILL THE 228 00:12:32,084 --> 00:12:35,888 CORONAVIRUS? 229 00:12:35,955 --> 00:12:38,924 OR TO PREVENT OR TREAT COVID 19? 230 00:12:38,991 --> 00:12:41,660 THE ANSWER -- NO. 231 00:12:41,727 --> 00:12:42,595 ( LAUGHTER ) YEAH, I DON'T THINK THAT'S GOING 232 00:12:42,661 --> 00:12:43,762 TO STOP ANTIVAXXERS. 233 00:12:43,829 --> 00:12:51,337 (AS DUMB GUY) BABE, THE WEBSITE SAYS NO. 234 00:12:51,403 --> 00:12:52,471 CALL THE FEED STORE. 235 00:12:52,538 --> 00:12:57,610 WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO USE HORSE DOUCHE. 236 00:12:57,676 --> 00:13:02,815 ( LAUGHTER ) ( PIANO RIFF ) 237 00:13:02,882 --> 00:13:05,417 SO, WE'VE HAD HYDROXYCHLOROQUINE, IVERMECTIN, 238 00:13:05,484 --> 00:13:06,552 AND NOW ONIONS AND BETADINE. 239 00:13:06,619 --> 00:13:07,720 AT THIS POINT, WE SHOULD JUST GET AHEAD OF THE CURVE AND 240 00:13:07,786 --> 00:13:10,823 ANNOUNCE WHAT WILL NOT TREAT COVID: 241 00:13:10,890 --> 00:13:13,125 WITCH HAZEL TIDE PODS 242 00:13:13,192 --> 00:13:16,529 PEPTO BISMOL PEPTO BISMOL UP THE BUTT 243 00:13:16,595 --> 00:13:18,831 LICKING BATTERIES DOING JUMPING JACKS 244 00:13:18,898 --> 00:13:22,168 SNORTING DORITO DUST TWO TURNTABLES AND A MICROPHONE 245 00:13:22,234 --> 00:13:24,670 HUSH PUPPIES ONE TURNTABLE AND A MICROPHONE, 246 00:13:24,737 --> 00:13:26,805 EXPIRED ZIMA REALLY ASPICY A-MEATBALLS 247 00:13:26,872 --> 00:13:29,642 SAYING "CANDYMAN" IN A MIRROR FIVE TIMES 248 00:13:29,708 --> 00:13:30,743 OR GETTING BANGS. 249 00:13:30,809 --> 00:13:33,712 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU 250 00:13:33,779 --> 00:13:36,649 TONIGHT, MY GUEST IS MELISSA MCCARTHY. 251 00:13:36,715 --> 00:13:39,351 BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, "MEANWHILE." 252 00:14:04,810 --> 00:14:13,252 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪♪ 253 00:14:13,319 --> 00:14:17,590 >> Stephen: JON BATISTE AND "STAY HUMAN," EVERYBODY! 254 00:14:17,656 --> 00:14:24,063 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪♪ 255 00:14:24,129 --> 00:14:25,864 >> Jon: YEAH, YEAH! 256 00:14:25,931 --> 00:14:28,968 >> Stephen: JON, LOOK WHAT WE'VE GOT COMING UP HERE. 257 00:14:29,034 --> 00:14:33,339 WHO I'M TALKING TO IN JUST A MINUTE IS I HAVE THE WONDERFUL, 258 00:14:33,405 --> 00:14:36,976 TALENTED, EMMY NOMINATED OSCAR WINNER MELISSA MCCARTHY IS 259 00:14:37,042 --> 00:14:38,978 GOING TO BE HERE TONIGHT. 260 00:14:39,044 --> 00:14:40,846 EVERYBODY LOVES HER IN A VERY SPECIAL WAY. 261 00:14:40,913 --> 00:14:43,849 SHE'S HERE IN A WAY WE'VE NEVER INTERVIEWED A GUEST BEFORE. 262 00:14:43,916 --> 00:14:46,518 STICK AROUND, YOU WILL WANT TO SEE THAT. 263 00:14:46,585 --> 00:14:48,454 JON, YOU'RE GOING TO THE EMMYS, RIGHT? 264 00:14:48,520 --> 00:14:50,656 >> Jon: YES, I'M GOING OUT THERE. 265 00:14:50,723 --> 00:14:52,224 >> Stephen: I'M GOING TO BE OUT THERE. 266 00:14:52,291 --> 00:14:53,726 DO YOU WANT TO HANG AT ALL? 267 00:14:53,792 --> 00:14:55,594 YOU CAN'T BRING A DATE BECAUSE OF COVID. 268 00:14:55,661 --> 00:14:58,364 NOT EVEN ALL THE NOMINEES CAN GO. 269 00:14:58,430 --> 00:15:02,167 EVIE CAN'T COME EVEN THOUGH SHE'S TECHNICALLY MY CO-HOST. 270 00:15:02,234 --> 00:15:03,168 >> Jon: OH, MAN. 271 00:15:03,235 --> 00:15:04,169 >> Stephen: SAD STORY. 272 00:15:04,236 --> 00:15:06,705 I LIKE TO BRING THE AUDIENCE DOWN IN THE MIDDLE. 273 00:15:06,772 --> 00:15:09,341 THAT'S MY GOAL, JUST TO BUM EVERYBODY OUT. 274 00:15:09,408 --> 00:15:10,909 >> Jon: WE'LL HANG OUT. 275 00:15:10,976 --> 00:15:12,211 >> Stephen: WE'LL HANG OUT? 276 00:15:12,278 --> 00:15:16,649 >> Jon: YEAH, FOR OLD TIME'S SAKE. 277 00:15:16,715 --> 00:15:17,483 >> Stephen: SOUNDS GOOD. 278 00:15:17,549 --> 00:15:20,986 HAVEN'T SEEN YOU IN A COUPLE OF HOURS! 279 00:15:21,053 --> 00:15:23,822 >> Jon: RIGHT >> STEPHEN: Y'KNOW, I SPEND MOST 280 00:15:23,889 --> 00:15:25,190 OF MY TIME SOURCING THE DAY'S FINEST HONG-JOE SILK NEWS 281 00:15:25,257 --> 00:15:26,892 STORIES, MOUNTING THEM ON THE MOST TOPICAL, PREMIUM, 282 00:15:26,959 --> 00:15:29,328 POLYHEDRAL BAMBOO JOKE FRAME, DECORATING IT WITH ARTISANAL ASH 283 00:15:29,395 --> 00:15:33,332 INK, INSERTING A HAND-POURED BEESWAX CANDLE, FILLING IT WITH 284 00:15:33,399 --> 00:15:37,336 INTENTION AND SETTING IT ALOFT ON THE UPDRAFT OF AUDIENCE 285 00:15:37,403 --> 00:15:41,373 LAUGHTER IN THE SPECTACULAR CHINESE LANTERN FESTIVAL THAT IS 286 00:15:41,440 --> 00:15:45,344 MY MONOLOGUE. 287 00:15:45,411 --> 00:15:47,980 BUT SOMETIMES, I GO VISIT MY BUDDY, BARRACUDA AT THE 288 00:15:48,047 --> 00:15:49,348 ABANDONED MALL, DROP A COUPLE HUNDOS ON SOME WET ROMAN 289 00:15:49,415 --> 00:15:51,817 CANDLES, BENT SPARKLERS SMUGGLED IN FROM THE PHILIPPINES, AND A 290 00:15:51,884 --> 00:15:55,621 FLARE GUN STOLEN FROM AN CRASHED COAST GUARD BOAT, THEN SET IT 291 00:15:55,688 --> 00:15:57,923 ALL OFF IN THE DERANGED, UNREGULATED FIREWORKS ACCIDENT 292 00:15:57,990 --> 00:16:06,765 OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT: "MEANWHILE!" 293 00:16:06,832 --> 00:16:08,834 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ALWAYS MAKES ME FEEL GOOD. 294 00:16:08,901 --> 00:16:11,203 ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS HAPPY TO DO THIS. 295 00:16:11,270 --> 00:16:18,210 THIS IS HAPPY, ANTIDEPRESSANT. 296 00:16:18,277 --> 00:16:19,812 >> STEPHEN: MEANWHILE A 37-YEAR-OLD ITALIAN PASTRY 297 00:16:19,878 --> 00:16:21,747 CHEF, IS BUILDING HIS OWN VERSION OF MIDDLE-EARTH, TO 298 00:16:21,814 --> 00:16:25,150 ABANDON MODERN LIFE AND IS LIVING AS A HOBBIT. 299 00:16:25,217 --> 00:16:35,194 COME ON, MAN -- A 37-YEAR-OLD BEING THAT OBSESSED WITH TOLKEN? 300 00:16:35,260 --> 00:16:41,700 COME ON, MAN -- A 37-YEAR-OLD BEING THAT OBSESSED WITH TOLKEN? 301 00:16:41,767 --> 00:16:43,135 AND PLAYING DRESS UP TO FEEL A PART 302 00:16:43,202 --> 00:16:44,336 OF MIDDLE EARTH IS A LITTLE SAD. 303 00:16:44,403 --> 00:16:45,337 THAT KIND OF BEHAVIOR IS ONLY APPROPRIATE FOR A 57-YEAR-OLD 304 00:16:45,404 --> 00:16:46,505 MAN. 305 00:16:46,572 --> 00:16:49,341 THE CHEF IS NICOLAS GENTILE SEEN HERE WEARING THE SAME NEW 306 00:16:49,408 --> 00:16:53,345 BALANCES FRODO FAMOUSLY WORE IN THE BATTLE OF MOUNT FOOTLOCKER. 307 00:16:53,412 --> 00:16:55,247 AND GENTILE IS COMMITTED. 308 00:16:55,314 --> 00:16:57,349 HE BOUGHT A PIECE OF LAND IN THE COUNTRYSIDE, WHERE HE AND HIS 309 00:16:57,416 --> 00:17:03,455 WIFE STARTED BUILDING THEIR PERSONAL SHIRE. 310 00:17:03,522 --> 00:17:06,492 WOW, HE HAS A WIFE. 311 00:17:06,558 --> 00:17:09,194 ( LAUGHTER ) ♪ HE GOT A WIFE ♪ 312 00:17:09,261 --> 00:17:11,330 MEANWHILE, CROCS HAS ANNOUNCED THEY WILL BE CHANGING THEIR 313 00:17:11,397 --> 00:17:14,466 CLOGS' INGREDIENTS TO BE BIOBASED BY 2022. 314 00:17:14,533 --> 00:17:15,467 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: YEAH. 315 00:17:15,534 --> 00:17:19,371 YEAH. 316 00:17:19,438 --> 00:17:21,140 ( APPLAUSE ) A GREAT MOVE, BECAUSE CURRENTLY, 317 00:17:21,206 --> 00:17:24,476 EACH INDIVIDUAL CROC IS WHITTLED FROM A BLOCK OF POLONIUM 210. 318 00:17:24,543 --> 00:17:29,048 ( LAUGHTER ) MEANWHILE, THERE ARE STILL MAJOR 319 00:17:29,114 --> 00:17:31,450 OBSTACLES TO COLONIZING THE RED PLANET, AMONG THEM BEING THAT 320 00:17:31,517 --> 00:17:33,352 MARTIAN SOIL DOESN'T CONTAIN THE RIGHT STUFF TO MAKE BUILDING 321 00:17:33,419 --> 00:17:35,087 MATERIALS. 322 00:17:35,154 --> 00:17:37,890 BUT DON'T WORRY, THERE MAY BE A SOLUTION, BECAUSE SCIENTISTS ARE 323 00:17:37,956 --> 00:17:42,961 SUGGESTING WE BUILD A MARS BASE OUT OF ASTRONAUT BLOOD. 324 00:17:43,028 --> 00:17:46,598 I'M GUESSING THOSE SCIENTISTS ARE NOT ASTRONAUTS. 325 00:17:46,665 --> 00:17:49,334 THIS INNOVATIVE IDEA COMES FROM LEAD RESEARCHER 326 00:17:49,401 --> 00:17:53,338 DR. ACULA. 327 00:17:53,405 --> 00:17:57,643 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 328 00:17:57,709 --> 00:17:59,912 WHY BLOOD? 329 00:17:59,978 --> 00:18:03,482 FANS OF DR. ACULA HERE. 330 00:18:03,549 --> 00:18:06,685 ( APPLAUSE ) WHY BLOOD, YOU'RE ASKING? 331 00:18:06,752 --> 00:18:08,487 WELL, RESEARCHERS SAY THAT IT'S POSSIBLE TO USE A SPECIAL 332 00:18:08,554 --> 00:18:11,457 PROTEIN FOUND IN HUMAN BLOOD AS AN IN VIVO BINDER TO CREATE A 333 00:18:11,523 --> 00:18:15,027 KIND OF MARTIAN SOIL CONCRETE THAT CAN BE USED TO BUILD, OR 3D 334 00:18:15,093 --> 00:18:17,162 PRINT, ENTIRE BUILDINGS. 335 00:18:17,229 --> 00:18:21,700 I NOTICE THEY'RE NOT BEING SUPER SPECIFIC ABOUT HOW THEY'RE GONNA 336 00:18:21,767 --> 00:18:23,836 HARVEST ENOUGH ASTRONAUT BLOOD TO 3-D PRINT ENTIRE BUILDINGS. 337 00:18:23,902 --> 00:18:26,705 WELCOME TO YOUR FIRST DAY ON MARS. 338 00:18:26,772 --> 00:18:27,639 HERE'S THE KEY TO YOUR ROOM. 339 00:18:27,706 --> 00:18:32,678 BUT FIRST, WHY DONTCHA JUST HOP ON IN TO THE 340 00:18:32,744 --> 00:18:33,745 OL' DISEM-BLOOD-INATOR. 341 00:18:33,812 --> 00:18:37,449 AFTERWARDS YOU'LL GET A JUICE BOX AND A LORNA DOONE. 342 00:18:37,516 --> 00:18:38,684 AND IT'S NOT JUST BLOOD. 343 00:18:38,750 --> 00:18:41,153 SCIENTISTS EXPLAIN THAT YOU CAN ALSO WHIP UP MARTIAN CONCRETE 344 00:18:41,220 --> 00:18:43,121 WITH: URINE, SWEAT OR EVEN TEARS. 345 00:18:43,188 --> 00:18:46,725 AND IF YOU'RE STRUGGLING TO COLLECT ENOUGH ASTRONAUT TEARS, 346 00:18:46,792 --> 00:18:50,796 TRY TELLING THEM YOU'RE GONNA MAKE BUILDINGS OUT OF THEIR 347 00:18:50,863 --> 00:18:51,396 BLOOD. 348 00:18:51,463 --> 00:18:56,935 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 349 00:18:57,002 --> 00:19:03,709 MEANWHILE -- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 350 00:19:03,775 --> 00:19:08,780 WHY, WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU? 351 00:19:08,847 --> 00:19:09,948 MEANWHILE... 352 00:19:10,015 --> 00:19:13,485 PHILIP MORRIS INTERNATIONAL HAS TAKEN CONTROL OF AN ASTHMA 353 00:19:13,552 --> 00:19:16,522 INHALER MAKER AFTER SECURING NEARLY 75% OF INHALER-MAKER 354 00:19:16,588 --> 00:19:20,192 VECTURA'S SHARES, MAKING IT THE MAJORITY SHAREHOLDER. 355 00:19:20,259 --> 00:19:22,394 THE WORST CONFLICT OF INTEREST SINCE EPIPEN WAS BOUGHT BY 356 00:19:22,461 --> 00:19:26,398 MR. PEANUT. 357 00:19:26,465 --> 00:19:27,599 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 358 00:19:27,666 --> 00:19:33,872 THIS LIFE-SAVING MEDICATION NOW AVAILABLE HONEY ROASTED. 359 00:19:33,939 --> 00:19:37,309 MEANWHILE, CNN HAS DONE A DEEP DIVE INTO HOW, AND HOW OFTEN, TO 360 00:19:37,376 --> 00:19:38,443 WASH TOWELS. 361 00:19:38,510 --> 00:19:40,546 ACCORDING TO EXPERTS, BATH TOWELS SHOULD BE WASHED EVERY 362 00:19:40,612 --> 00:19:42,447 THREE TO FIVE USES. 363 00:19:42,514 --> 00:19:45,384 OR, FOR YOU COLLEGE STUDENTS, WHENEVER YOU HEAR THE TOWEL 364 00:19:45,450 --> 00:19:46,418 WHISPERING (WHISPERS) 365 00:19:46,485 --> 00:19:47,352 KILL ME. 366 00:19:47,419 --> 00:19:51,990 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MELISSA MCCARTHY. 367 00:20:02,034 --> 00:20:11,810 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪♪ 368 00:20:11,877 --> 00:20:13,979 >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY! 369 00:20:14,046 --> 00:20:17,816 WELCOME BACK. 370 00:20:17,883 --> 00:20:21,820 FOLKS, I AM SO HAPPY TO BE BACK HERE IN THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER 371 00:20:21,887 --> 00:20:25,958 WHERE I CAN HAVE IN-PERSON GUESTS AGAIN. 372 00:20:26,024 --> 00:20:29,795 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) BUT THERE ARE STILL TIMES WHEN 373 00:20:29,861 --> 00:20:33,131 SOMEONE I REALLY WANT TO TALK WITH ISN'T ABLE TO BE HERE IN 374 00:20:33,198 --> 00:20:34,299 NEW YORK, WHICH WAS THE CASE WITH TONIGHT'S GUEST, MELISSA 375 00:20:34,366 --> 00:20:36,401 MCCARTHY. 376 00:20:36,468 --> 00:20:40,138 FORTUNATELY, "THE LATE SHOW" HAS BEEN DEVELOPING A REVOLUTIONARY 377 00:20:40,205 --> 00:20:43,976 NEW TECHNOLOGY THAT ALLOWS ME AND A GUEST TO TRANSPORT 378 00:20:44,042 --> 00:20:48,780 OURSELVES TO THE ASTRAL PLANE SO THAT WE CAN BE IN THE SAME 379 00:20:48,847 --> 00:20:49,815 LOCATION AT THE SAME TIME. 380 00:20:49,881 --> 00:20:53,251 IT WORKS LIKE THIS: A HIGH-INTENSITY RAY OF LIGHT, 381 00:20:53,318 --> 00:20:55,988 TEARS OUR BODIES APART AT THE CELLULAR LEVEL, THEN BEAMS US 382 00:20:56,054 --> 00:21:02,060 INTO A VIRTUAL ENVIRONMENT WHERE WE ARE GRAFTED BACK TOGETHER 383 00:21:02,127 --> 00:21:03,595 ATOM-BY-ATOM. 384 00:21:03,662 --> 00:21:05,430 IT'S PRETTY COOL. 385 00:21:05,497 --> 00:21:09,167 BUT YOU ALSO HAVE TO HAVE REALLY GOOD WI-FI. 386 00:21:09,234 --> 00:21:11,637 IT'S STILL IN IT'S TRIAL PHASE, BUT MELISSA HAS AGREED TO TEST 387 00:21:11,703 --> 00:21:16,141 IT OUT WITH ME TONIGHT, SO HERE WE GO: SHE IS A TWO-TIME 388 00:21:16,208 --> 00:21:19,611 EMMY-WINNER AND ACADEMY AWARD NOMINEE YOU KNOW FROM "GILMORE 389 00:21:19,678 --> 00:21:24,449 GIRLS," "BRIDESMAIDS," AND "CAN YOU EVER FORGIVE ME?" 390 00:21:24,516 --> 00:21:27,185 HER NEW FILM IS CALLED "THE STARLING." 391 00:21:27,252 --> 00:21:29,588 >> I THOUGHT MAYBE WE COULD GO UP TO THE LAKE AGAIN WHEN YOU 392 00:21:29,655 --> 00:21:32,524 GET HOME, YOU KNOW, FOR THE FOURTH. 393 00:21:32,591 --> 00:21:33,392 >> SURE. 394 00:21:33,458 --> 00:21:37,195 THAT'S FUN, RIGHT? 395 00:21:37,262 --> 00:21:40,165 YEAH, IT WILL BE JUST LIKE IT WAS, LIKE IT NEVER HAPPENED. 396 00:21:40,232 --> 00:21:42,067 >> I DIDN'T SAY THAT. 397 00:21:42,134 --> 00:21:42,868 NOY. 398 00:21:42,934 --> 00:21:45,237 BUT THAT IS WHY I'M HERE, ISN'T IT? 399 00:21:45,303 --> 00:21:51,343 I'M JUST SUPPOSED TO GO BACK TO BEING MY GOOD OLD SELF SO WE CAN 400 00:21:51,410 --> 00:21:53,912 GO ON WITH OUR LIVES. 401 00:21:53,979 --> 00:21:55,614 >> IT'S JUST GOING TO TAKE TIME. 402 00:21:55,681 --> 00:21:57,449 YOU THINK TIME WILL MAKE US OKAY? 403 00:21:57,516 --> 00:21:58,817 >> I'M NOT SAYING THAT. 404 00:21:58,884 --> 00:22:01,019 I'M JUST SAYING WE CAN'T STAY HERE LIKE THIS. 405 00:22:01,086 --> 00:22:02,220 THIS IS NOT GOOD. 406 00:22:02,287 --> 00:22:07,359 >> I KNOW, BUT I DON'T KNOW HOW I FIT ANYMORE. 407 00:22:07,426 --> 00:22:08,694 >> Stephen: JIM, TRANSFER ME TO MELISSA McCARTHY. 408 00:22:08,760 --> 00:22:11,730 ( SPACE SOUNDS ) >> Stephen: GOOD LORD. 409 00:22:11,797 --> 00:22:15,200 WHERE'S MELISSA? 410 00:22:15,267 --> 00:22:23,175 ( STRANGE SOUNDS ) ( MELISSA GROANING ) 411 00:22:23,241 --> 00:22:24,409 >> THAT WAS ODD. 412 00:22:24,476 --> 00:22:27,846 >> Stephen: BLISSA, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING WITH ME TODAY. 413 00:22:27,913 --> 00:22:29,481 >> THANKS FOR BRINGING ME IN. 414 00:22:29,548 --> 00:22:31,116 >> Stephen: LOVELY TO SEE YOU AGAIN. 415 00:22:31,183 --> 00:22:33,552 >> YOU, TOO. 416 00:22:33,618 --> 00:22:34,653 OH, YES! 417 00:22:34,720 --> 00:22:37,556 >> Stephen: DOWN, DOWN, DOWN. 418 00:22:37,622 --> 00:22:40,792 OH, AAAHHH! 419 00:22:40,859 --> 00:22:41,393 YES! 420 00:22:41,460 --> 00:22:41,960 >> Stephen: THERE YOU GO. 421 00:22:42,027 --> 00:22:42,661 O GOOD TO SEE YOU, TOO. 422 00:22:42,728 --> 00:22:45,564 >> Stephen: GOOD TO SEE YA. 423 00:22:45,630 --> 00:22:49,167 WELL, MELISSA, LET'S MAKE THIS A LITTLE MORE COMFORTABLE. 424 00:22:49,234 --> 00:22:50,168 THAT'S NICE. 425 00:22:50,235 --> 00:22:51,036 THAT'S LOVELY. 426 00:22:51,103 --> 00:22:51,636 >> WOW. 427 00:22:51,703 --> 00:22:53,138 >> Stephen: THAT'S LOVELY. 428 00:22:53,205 --> 00:22:54,272 THAT IS CALMING. 429 00:22:54,339 --> 00:22:57,075 >> Stephen: YOU'RE ALWAYS SO LOVELY TO TALK TO, YOU KNOW, 430 00:22:57,142 --> 00:23:01,446 PARTLY BECAUSE YOU'RE YOU AND YOU'RE WONDERFUL, BUT YOU'VE GOT 431 00:23:01,513 --> 00:23:11,757 THE NICE DLAN, YOU'RE FROM THE -- THE NICE DNA, YOU'RE FROM 432 00:23:11,823 --> 00:23:13,759 THE MIDWEST. 433 00:23:13,825 --> 00:23:16,962 >> I GREW UP ON A CORN AND SOYBEAN FARM. 434 00:23:17,028 --> 00:23:19,264 >> Stephen: YOU ALSO SPENT TIME IN CHICAGO. 435 00:23:19,331 --> 00:23:23,068 >> ONCE I HIT HIGH SCHOOL, TO MY DAD'S HORROR, HE WAS, LIKE, I 436 00:23:23,135 --> 00:23:26,838 MOVED YOU OUT TO A REMOTE FARM TO KEEP YOU OUT OF CHICAGO, 437 00:23:26,905 --> 00:23:31,076 BECAUSE HE GREW UP ON THE SOUTH SIDE, AND HE GOES, IT'S A MOTH 438 00:23:31,143 --> 00:23:33,545 TO A FLAME! 439 00:23:33,612 --> 00:23:37,549 BECAUSE I WENT -- I STARTED -- >> WHAT DID HE SAY? 440 00:23:37,616 --> 00:23:39,518 LIKE, MOTH TO A FLAME! 441 00:23:39,584 --> 00:23:41,686 I CAN'T KEEP YOU OUT OF THE CITY! 442 00:23:41,753 --> 00:23:45,557 I SAID WHAT AM I GOING TO DO IN PLAINFIELD? 443 00:23:45,624 --> 00:23:49,561 SO WE WOULD GO DOWNTOWN AND I STARTED DRESSING GOTHIC. 444 00:23:49,628 --> 00:23:56,134 THERE WAS MEDUSA'S, WHICH IS A BAR WE WENT TO EVERY WEEKEND. 445 00:23:56,201 --> 00:23:57,569 >> I WENT THERE. 446 00:23:57,636 --> 00:24:00,172 DID YOU DANCE ON THE SCAFFOLDING? 447 00:24:00,238 --> 00:24:04,810 >> Stephen: NO, BUT I WENT TO GAY DISCO NIGHT AT BERLINS. 448 00:24:04,876 --> 00:24:11,817 EVERYBODY WHO WENT THERE WENT THERE ON THAT NIGHT BECAUSE IT 449 00:24:11,883 --> 00:24:14,252 WAS A FUN NIGHT. 450 00:24:14,319 --> 00:24:18,757 THE GAY PEOPLE HAD TO FIND OUTNIGHT. 451 00:24:18,824 --> 00:24:28,366 >> BERLIN MAY BE MY FAVORITE BAR. 452 00:24:28,433 --> 00:24:29,534 I DON'T REMEMBER HOW IT HAPPENED. 453 00:24:29,601 --> 00:24:33,271 THERE MIGHT HAVE BEEN A FEW DRINKS INVOLVED, BUT I DO 454 00:24:33,338 --> 00:24:37,275 REMEMBER I WAS ON THIS PEDESTAL DANCING AND TWO DRAG QUEENS TOOK 455 00:24:37,342 --> 00:24:41,279 OFF ONE OF MY LAYERS, I WAS STILL DRESSED, BUT THEY PUT ON 456 00:24:41,346 --> 00:24:44,649 KIND OF A SUNDRESS AND REDRESSED ME. 457 00:24:44,716 --> 00:24:46,351 AD I WAS, LIKE, THIS IS IT. 458 00:24:46,418 --> 00:24:49,020 NOW I'M LIVING. 459 00:24:49,087 --> 00:24:59,564 >> Stephen: HOW OLD WERE YOU WHEN THIS WAS HAPPENING? 460 00:24:59,631 --> 00:25:00,465 >> 1/6, 17. 461 00:25:00,532 --> 00:25:05,270 >> Stephen: SO YOU HAD TO HAVE A FAKE I.D. 462 00:25:05,337 --> 00:25:08,039 ( LAUGHTER ) WHERE DID YOU GET YOURS? 463 00:25:08,106 --> 00:25:11,209 >> MY SISTER WAS GOING TO GET A FAKE I.D. AND BEING THE LOVING 464 00:25:11,276 --> 00:25:15,580 SISTER I SAID IF YOU DON'T TAKE ME WITH YOU I'LL TELL MOM AND 465 00:25:15,647 --> 00:25:16,681 DAD. 466 00:25:16,748 --> 00:25:18,183 >> Stephen: THAT'S WHAT YOUNGER SISTERS DO IS SNITCH. 467 00:25:18,250 --> 00:25:20,418 WHO WAS THE VENDOR? 468 00:25:20,485 --> 00:25:26,091 >> I'M PRETTY SURE WE WENT TO UOI CIRCLE CAMPUS, WHICH IS IN 469 00:25:26,157 --> 00:25:30,128 CHICAGO, THE ONE IN CHAMPAGNE, AND WE WENT INTO SOME WEIRD LIKE 470 00:25:30,195 --> 00:25:36,067 DORM ROOM AND THIS GUY HAD MADE A HUGE SCALE THING OF AN 471 00:25:36,134 --> 00:25:39,337 ILLINOIS DRIVER'S LICENSE, AND THEN YOU JUST STOOD BEHIND IT. 472 00:25:39,404 --> 00:25:42,941 SO THAT YOUR NAME AND EVERYTHING WAS HUGE, BUT WHEN HE TOOK THE 473 00:25:43,008 --> 00:25:47,545 PICTURE AND SHRUNK IT DOWN, IT LOOKED REALLY GOOD. 474 00:25:47,612 --> 00:25:51,216 IT WAS NOT ILLINOIS, IT WAS OHIO, TO THROW PEOPLE OFF. 475 00:25:51,283 --> 00:26:01,259 >> Stephen: NO WAY A COP IN ILLINOIS WOULD EVER RECOGNIZE AN 476 00:26:01,326 --> 00:26:04,729 OHIO DRIVERS LICENSE. 477 00:26:04,796 --> 00:26:06,998 >> OHIO'S WAS BIGGER OR SMALLER THAN AN AVERAGE DRIVER'S LICENSE 478 00:26:07,065 --> 00:26:11,903 AND THEY DIDN'T MAKE ATE RIGHT SIZE, SO THEY SET UP A WHOLE 479 00:26:11,970 --> 00:26:18,610 RACKET TO COUNTERFEIT THINGS AND NOBODY WAS, WHAT ARE THE OVERALL 480 00:26:18,677 --> 00:26:19,044 DIMENSIONS? 481 00:26:19,110 --> 00:26:20,312 NOBODY BOTHERED. 482 00:26:20,378 --> 00:26:24,749 THE FIRST TIME I WENT TO AN OHIO BAR, THE GUY WAS, LIKE, ARE YOU 483 00:26:24,816 --> 00:26:25,583 KIDDING? 484 00:26:25,650 --> 00:26:30,355 I SAID, YEAH, IT'S NOT REALLY MY SIZE. 485 00:26:30,422 --> 00:26:33,224 HE SAID WHAT'S YOUR SIGN? 486 00:26:33,291 --> 00:26:35,093 I SAID, I'M NOT INTO SIGNS. 487 00:26:35,160 --> 00:26:38,630 AND HE SAID GET OUT OF HERE BEFORE I CALL THE COPS. 488 00:26:38,697 --> 00:26:41,733 I SAID, CAN I HAVE THE CARD BACK? 489 00:26:41,800 --> 00:26:42,901 HE SAID NO. 490 00:26:42,968 --> 00:26:47,105 I WENT OUT THE ALLEY AND CRAWLED OVER THE FENCE TO THE BEER 491 00:26:47,172 --> 00:26:47,839 GARDEN. 492 00:26:47,906 --> 00:26:51,142 >> Stephen: YOU HAD A GOTH FACE? 493 00:26:51,209 --> 00:26:52,777 >> YEAH, FROM 16 OR 17 TO 19. 494 00:26:52,844 --> 00:27:01,252 >> Stephen: BUT YOU SEEM SO CLEARLY FOR SOMEONE WHO HAD A 495 00:27:01,319 --> 00:27:02,454 GOTH PHASE. 496 00:27:02,520 --> 00:27:13,264 >> IF I KEPT MY MOUTH SHUT I WOULD LOOK VERY MENACING. 497 00:27:13,331 --> 00:27:17,135 I LOOKED LIKE I WAS GOING TO MURDER SOMEBODY AND THE SECOND 498 00:27:17,202 --> 00:27:19,270 THIS STARTED WORKING, I LOST ALL CREDIBILITY. 499 00:27:19,337 --> 00:27:22,307 >> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE A QUICK BREAK, BUT STICK AROUND. 500 00:27:22,374 --> 00:27:26,478 BACK WITH MORE MELISSA MCCARTHY. 501 00:27:26,544 --> 00:27:28,179 ♪♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 502 00:27:39,524 --> 00:27:46,865 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪♪ 503 00:27:46,931 --> 00:27:47,866 >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY. 504 00:27:47,932 --> 00:27:50,635 WE'RE BACK HERE IN VIRTUAL PARADISE WITH MELISSA 505 00:27:50,702 --> 00:27:51,903 McCARTHY. 506 00:27:51,970 --> 00:27:54,839 YOU'RE STARRING IN THE NEW MOVIE CALLED "THE STARLING," AND WHAT 507 00:27:54,906 --> 00:27:56,508 IS THIS ABOUT? 508 00:27:56,574 --> 00:27:59,644 ARE YOU THE STARLING? 509 00:27:59,711 --> 00:28:04,282 >> I'M NOT, NO, BUT I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO PLAYING A BIRD AT 510 00:28:04,349 --> 00:28:05,216 SOME POINT. 511 00:28:05,283 --> 00:28:08,820 ( LAUGHTER ) THIS IS -- IT'S A REALLY LOVELY 512 00:28:08,887 --> 00:28:10,255 STORY. 513 00:28:10,321 --> 00:28:13,825 TED MALFY WHO I DID SZ ST. VINCENT WITH, HE DIRECTED 514 00:28:13,892 --> 00:28:18,163 IT, AND IT'S, YOU KNOW, A COMPLICATED KIND OF 515 00:28:18,229 --> 00:28:22,767 HEARTBREAKING HOPEFUL STORY ABOUT MARRIAGE AND LOVE AND LOSS 516 00:28:22,834 --> 00:28:29,808 AND KIND OF YOU HAVE TO FIGHT FOR THE LIFE YOU WANT, AND CHRIS 517 00:28:29,874 --> 00:28:34,746 O'DOWD IS IN IT WITH ME AND KEVIN KLINE. 518 00:28:34,813 --> 00:28:36,681 IT'S A LOVELY STORY. 519 00:28:36,748 --> 00:28:39,984 I'M TRYING TO GET MY LIFE BACK TOGETHER AND THERE'S A BIRD IN 520 00:28:40,051 --> 00:28:42,754 MY YARD THAT KEEPS ATTACKING ME. 521 00:28:42,821 --> 00:28:46,758 THIS BIRD LITERALLY BECOMES MY NEMESIS, THEN WE KIND OF HAVE 522 00:28:46,825 --> 00:28:47,892 PARALLEL LIVES. 523 00:28:47,959 --> 00:28:51,262 IT'S REALLY LOVELY AND IN THE END VERY HOPEFUL. 524 00:28:51,329 --> 00:28:56,968 >> Stephen: THE CHARACTER HAS TO BATTLE THIS BIRD THAT KEEPS 525 00:28:57,035 --> 00:28:58,536 SWOOPING AT LILY? 526 00:28:58,603 --> 00:28:59,737 >> YEAH, COMING AT ME. 527 00:28:59,804 --> 00:29:02,474 >> Stephen: DID THEY HAVE A TENNIS BALL ON A STICK BECAUSE I 528 00:29:02,540 --> 00:29:04,342 UNDERSTAND IT'S A C.G.I. BIRD. 529 00:29:04,409 --> 00:29:08,379 >> IT IS A C.G.I. BIRD. 530 00:29:08,446 --> 00:29:13,384 A LOT OF TIMES IT WAS TOO HIGH UP TO PUT ANYTHING, SO TED WOULD 531 00:29:13,451 --> 00:29:14,752 TELL ME WHERE IT WAS. 532 00:29:14,819 --> 00:29:18,389 HE STARTED WITHOUT TELLING ME, SO IT WAS A PRETTY EMOTIONAL 533 00:29:18,456 --> 00:29:23,761 SCENE, AND I'M LOOKING UP A AT THIS BIRD AND YOU HEAR TED 534 00:29:23,828 --> 00:29:28,633 STANDING OVER THE MONITOR GOING -- 535 00:29:28,700 --> 00:29:29,934 ( CAWING ) AND I WAS, LIKE, WHAT THE HELL 536 00:29:30,001 --> 00:29:32,770 IS THAT, HEAD TED? 537 00:29:32,837 --> 00:29:35,940 AND HE SAID, I'M TRYING TO HELP YOU BY DOING THE BIRD. 538 00:29:36,007 --> 00:29:39,144 AND THERE WAS NO WARNING, WE LAUGHED SO HARD. 539 00:29:39,210 --> 00:29:43,448 THEN AS WE WENT ALONG, WEIRDLY, I WAS, LIKE, OKAY, CAN YOU DO 540 00:29:43,515 --> 00:29:44,983 THE BIRD THING AGAIN? 541 00:29:45,049 --> 00:29:46,518 THEN I NEEDED IT. 542 00:29:46,584 --> 00:29:53,591 BUT WE HAVE ALL THIS WEIRD VIDEO FOOTAGE OF TED BEING LIKE -- 543 00:29:53,658 --> 00:29:55,760 ( CAWING ) >> Stephen: IS THAT WHAT 544 00:29:55,827 --> 00:29:56,594 STARLINGS SOUND LIKE IS THIS. 545 00:29:56,661 --> 00:29:57,629 >> HE LOOKED IT UP. 546 00:29:57,695 --> 00:29:59,998 >> Stephen: THEY'RE LITTLE BIRDS, AREN'T THEY? 547 00:30:00,064 --> 00:30:04,836 >> NOT IF YOU ASK TED MALFY. 548 00:30:04,903 --> 00:30:06,971 >> Stephen: YOUR CO-STAR CHRIS O'DOWD WAS ALSO IN 549 00:30:07,038 --> 00:30:07,639 "BRIDESMAIDS." 550 00:30:07,705 --> 00:30:09,807 WE'VE GOT A LITTLE PHOTO HERE. 551 00:30:09,874 --> 00:30:15,346 THERE YOU ARE TOGETHER. 552 00:30:15,413 --> 00:30:16,314 >> LOOK AT THAT. 553 00:30:16,381 --> 00:30:21,386 >> Stephen: ALONG WITH WILSON PHILLIPS THERE. 554 00:30:21,452 --> 00:30:21,853 >> AS THEY SHOULD BE. 555 00:30:21,920 --> 00:30:23,254 >> Stephen: YEAH. 556 00:30:23,321 --> 00:30:25,890 IT'S TEN YEARS SINCE THE MOVIE CAME OUT. 557 00:30:25,957 --> 00:30:27,292 I'LL THROW THIS TO YOU. 558 00:30:27,358 --> 00:30:28,726 >> OH, YEAH, THROW IT OVER. 559 00:30:28,793 --> 00:30:29,594 OH, YEAH! 560 00:30:29,661 --> 00:30:30,395 GOT IT! 561 00:30:30,461 --> 00:30:31,329 >> Stephen: THERE YOU GO. 562 00:30:31,396 --> 00:30:32,530 LOOK AT THAT! 563 00:30:32,597 --> 00:30:34,999 >> Stephen: TEN YEARS LATER, IS THERE SOMETHING THAT WE DON'T 564 00:30:35,066 --> 00:30:40,238 KNOW ABOUT THE MAKING OF THAT MOVIE? 565 00:30:40,305 --> 00:30:42,240 >> WELL, MANY THINGS. 566 00:30:42,307 --> 00:30:45,710 THERE WAS -- WELL, SO MANY -- LIKE SO MANY OF US HAD BEEN 567 00:30:45,777 --> 00:30:48,980 FRIENDS FOR A LONG TIME, ALREADY. 568 00:30:49,047 --> 00:30:51,950 I'M ALWAYS ABOUT THREE TO FOUR YEARS LATE WITH TECHNOLOGY. 569 00:30:52,016 --> 00:30:54,285 >> Stephen: OKAY. 570 00:30:54,352 --> 00:30:57,522 O, TRULY -- LIKE RIGHT NOW I WOULD BE, LIKE, HAVE YOU GUYS 571 00:30:57,589 --> 00:31:00,158 HEARD OF Facebook? 572 00:31:00,225 --> 00:31:02,327 I'M, LIKE, I STILL WRITE LETTERS. 573 00:31:02,393 --> 00:31:03,194 >> Stephen: SURE. 574 00:31:03,261 --> 00:31:05,230 BUT I HAD JUST -- THIS WAS TEN YEARS AGO. 575 00:31:05,296 --> 00:31:12,103 I WAS, LIKE, DO YOU KNOW WHO THERE'S AN APP THAT CAN MAKE YOU 576 00:31:12,170 --> 00:31:14,405 OLD OR CAN MAKE YOU INTO A GUY? 577 00:31:14,472 --> 00:31:16,941 THE ONE THAT'S BEEN AROUND FOR THREE YEARS. 578 00:31:17,008 --> 00:31:21,112 IT WAS BRAND-NEW TO ME, SO I CONSTANTLY WAS MAKING US ALL 579 00:31:21,179 --> 00:31:26,951 INTO MEN, ESPECIALLY OLDER MEN. 580 00:31:27,018 --> 00:31:31,489 WHEN WE WERE OUT ON THE WATER IN THE LAST SCENE BEFORE WILSON 581 00:31:31,556 --> 00:31:34,993 PHILLIPS COMES ON, WE WERE TRAPPED ON THERE BECAUSE WE WERE 582 00:31:35,059 --> 00:31:36,694 ON LITTLE MED STALLS IN WATER. 583 00:31:36,761 --> 00:31:41,099 I CAN'T NAME NAMES, BUT I WOULD SAY MORE THAN TWO AND LESS THAN 584 00:31:41,165 --> 00:31:44,435 FIVE OF US WERE LAUGHING SO HARD THAT WE MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE WET 585 00:31:44,502 --> 00:31:45,837 OR PANTS. 586 00:31:45,903 --> 00:31:48,906 SO THAT'S A FUN FACT THAT'S NEVER BEEN TOLD. 587 00:31:48,973 --> 00:31:52,543 >> Stephen: IN A TAFFETA DRESS? 588 00:31:52,610 --> 00:31:53,211 >> YEAH. 589 00:31:53,278 --> 00:31:55,613 YOU SAY THAT AS IF THAT'S ODD. 590 00:31:55,680 --> 00:31:57,115 I ONLY GO TO THE BATHROOM IN TAFFETA. 591 00:31:57,181 --> 00:31:58,616 >> Stephen: VERY ABSORBENT. 592 00:31:58,683 --> 00:32:02,720 THE WICKING PROPERTIES OF TAFFETA ARE NOT AS WELL KNOWN AS 593 00:32:02,787 --> 00:32:03,921 THEY SHOULD BE. 594 00:32:03,988 --> 00:32:08,526 >> Stephen: WHEN WE GET BACK, I'LL ASK MISSA ABOUT HER BRIEF 595 00:32:08,593 --> 00:32:10,662 AND EXCITING BASEBALL CAREER. 596 00:32:35,053 --> 00:32:41,159 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪♪ 597 00:32:41,225 --> 00:32:42,393 >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY. 598 00:32:42,460 --> 00:32:45,129 WE'RE BACK HERE WITH THE STAR OF THE NEW MOVIE "THE STARLING," 599 00:32:45,196 --> 00:32:45,897 MELISSA McCARTHY. 600 00:32:45,963 --> 00:32:48,566 YOU HAVE GOTTEN SO MANY ACCOLADES. 601 00:32:48,633 --> 00:32:53,638 TWO EMMYS, TWO OSCAR NOMINATIONS. 602 00:32:53,705 --> 00:32:56,307 THAT NUB A HEADY EVENING, THE OSCAR NOMINATION. 603 00:32:56,374 --> 00:32:57,508 >> IT'S WILD. 604 00:32:57,575 --> 00:33:03,348 >> Stephen: MOST IMPRESSIVELY, YOU NOW HAVE AN OFFICIAL TOPS 605 00:33:03,414 --> 00:33:04,615 BASEBALL TRADING CARD. 606 00:33:04,682 --> 00:33:05,516 >> I DO? 607 00:33:05,583 --> 00:33:06,184 >> Stephen: YES. 608 00:33:06,250 --> 00:33:07,719 YOU HAVE A TOPS BASEBALL CARD. 609 00:33:07,785 --> 00:33:10,221 WE GOT THIS ON eBAY. 610 00:33:10,288 --> 00:33:14,092 HOW MUCH WAS THIS? 611 00:33:14,158 --> 00:33:20,765 IT WAS 1.50. 612 00:33:20,832 --> 00:33:22,767 >> THAT'S GOOD. 613 00:33:22,834 --> 00:33:23,735 KA-CHING. 614 00:33:23,801 --> 00:33:26,904 >> Stephen: HOW DID YOU GET ON A BASEBALL CARD? 615 00:33:26,971 --> 00:33:28,172 WHAT'S THE STORY? 616 00:33:28,239 --> 00:33:32,810 >> THAT WAS FROM WHEN I THREW A PITCH OUT FOR THE L.A. DODGERS, 617 00:33:32,877 --> 00:33:37,382 AND I WAS THERE AND BRYAN WILSON, THE PITCHER, WITH THE -- 618 00:33:37,448 --> 00:33:43,454 >> Stephen: THE LEADER OF THE BEACH BOYS, BRYAN WILSON? 619 00:33:43,521 --> 00:33:46,591 >> AND A PITCHER FOR THE L.A. 620 00:33:46,657 --> 00:33:47,759 DODGERS. 621 00:33:47,825 --> 00:33:51,362 >> Stephen: MENTAL, LOCKED IN HIS BASEMENT BY HIS FATHER? 622 00:33:51,429 --> 00:33:53,398 >> AND A HELL OF A PITCHER. 623 00:33:53,464 --> 00:33:55,800 ( LAUGHTER ) HE WAS THERE AND HAS A GIGANTIC 624 00:33:55,867 --> 00:34:01,205 BEARD AND KEEPS IT CRAZY, CRAZY BLACK LIKE HE'S JUST DUMPED IT 625 00:34:01,272 --> 00:34:02,640 INTO INK AT ALL TIMES. 626 00:34:02,707 --> 00:34:06,511 AND WHEN YOU'RE WITH HIM, BECAUSE IT'S SO JARRING TO LOOK 627 00:34:06,577 --> 00:34:10,148 AT, I THINK HE'S TRYING TO PSYCH PEOPLE OUT, AT LEAST THAT'S MY 628 00:34:10,214 --> 00:34:10,948 THING. 629 00:34:11,015 --> 00:34:12,316 HE'S VERY STOIC AND DIDN'T SAY A LOT. 630 00:34:12,383 --> 00:34:15,853 BUT I'VE WHICH ONCE IN A WHILE, BEN AND I WERE STANDING THERE, 631 00:34:15,920 --> 00:34:21,659 AND HE SAID JUST SO YOU KNOW, HOWEVER YOUR PITCH GOES AFFECTS 632 00:34:21,726 --> 00:34:25,730 THE ENTIRE GAME TO HAVE THE SEASON AND ESPECIALLY FOR MY 633 00:34:25,797 --> 00:34:26,531 FAMILY. 634 00:34:26,597 --> 00:34:29,934 I WOULD WAIT FOR HIM TO STOP TALKING. 635 00:34:30,001 --> 00:34:30,568 HE WAS SO FUNNY. 636 00:34:30,635 --> 00:34:33,838 HE KEPT SAYING WEIRD THINGS. 637 00:34:33,905 --> 00:34:36,040 I SAID, YOU'RE GIVING ME ADVICE. 638 00:34:36,107 --> 00:34:41,045 HE SAID, I'M TELLING YOU, YOU WILL DESTROY MY FAMILY. 639 00:34:41,112 --> 00:34:48,286 AND THEN THIS GUY WHO WAS BUILT LIKE A MACK TRUCK, SAID, TURN ON 640 00:34:48,352 --> 00:34:54,058 THAT TOMATO, AVOCADO. 641 00:34:54,125 --> 00:34:59,764 AND I SAID, PWEE, YOU'RE BUILT LIKE A TANK. 642 00:34:59,831 --> 00:35:00,898 HE'D GO, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH. 643 00:35:00,965 --> 00:35:07,038 >> Stephen: MY BROTHER COLLECTS TOP TRADING CARDS. 644 00:35:07,104 --> 00:35:08,339 WOULD YOU SIGN THIS? 645 00:35:08,406 --> 00:35:11,375 VERY WELL DONE. 646 00:35:11,442 --> 00:35:12,276 VERY PROFESSIONALLY DONE. 647 00:35:12,343 --> 00:35:13,511 >> THERE WE GO, GUYS. 648 00:35:13,578 --> 00:35:15,213 IF YOU WANT TO SEE A PICTURE OF ME IN PRETTY HARSH LIGHTING -- 649 00:35:15,279 --> 00:35:22,487 >> Stephen: I BELIEVE THAT'S CALLED SUNLIGHT. 650 00:35:22,553 --> 00:35:24,355 ( LAUGHTER ) THAT'S GREAT. 651 00:35:24,422 --> 00:35:26,491 THANK YOU. 652 00:35:26,557 --> 00:35:27,158 THANK YOU SO MUCH. 653 00:35:27,225 --> 00:35:28,125 >> I THOUGHT I COULD KEEP IT. 654 00:35:28,192 --> 00:35:29,927 >> Stephen: MELISSA, SO LOVELY TO TALK TO YOU. 655 00:35:29,994 --> 00:35:31,162 THANK YOU SO MUCH. 656 00:35:31,229 --> 00:35:32,396 >> THANK YOU! 657 00:35:32,463 --> 00:35:35,366 >> Stephen: STARLING STARLING IS IN THEATERS SEPTEMBER 17 AND 658 00:35:35,433 --> 00:35:37,902 ON NETFLIX 1E79 24th. 659 00:35:37,969 --> 00:35:39,570 MELISSA McCARTHY, EVERYBODY. 660 00:35:39,637 --> 00:35:40,805 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK. 661 00:35:40,872 --> 00:35:45,743 ♪♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 662 00:35:45,810 --> 00:35:46,978 >> BEFORE WE GET TO THE NEXT SEGMENT. 663 00:35:47,044 --> 00:35:49,146 WE HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO FIGURE OUT IF THIS SHOW IS BROADCAST IN 664 00:35:49,213 --> 00:35:54,986 TRADE, BUT IF NICKI MINAJ'S COUSIN'S FRIEND OR HIS FIANCEÉ I 665 00:35:55,052 --> 00:35:56,888 WATCHING WE WANT TO HEAR YOUR STORY. 666 00:35:56,954 --> 00:35:59,023 >> HEY, KIDS. 667 00:35:59,090 --> 00:36:05,830 IF YOU LIKE VACCINE SKEPTICISM, HEAD TO THE FOX NEWS GAG GIFT 668 00:36:05,897 --> 00:36:11,536 SHOP TO PURCHASE A WACKY LIVE GRENADE, REAL GUN. 669 00:36:11,602 --> 00:36:14,438 THE FOX NEWS GAG GIFT SHOP, WHO SAID KILLING YOUR AUDIENCE CAN'T 670 00:36:14,505 --> 00:36:14,972 BE FUN? 671 00:36:27,151 --> 00:36:29,720 >> STEPHEN: OUR MUSICAL GUEST IS THE WRITER, PRODUCER, AND 672 00:36:29,787 --> 00:36:32,757 PERFORMER OF SOME OF THE BIGGEST FLEETWOOD MAC HITS. 673 00:36:32,823 --> 00:36:36,994 PERFORMING " ON THE WRONG SIDE" FROM HIS SELF-TITLED ALBUM, 674 00:36:37,061 --> 00:36:40,431 LINDSEY BUCKINGHAM! 675 00:36:40,498 --> 00:36:50,474 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪ ♪ ♪ 676 00:36:50,541 --> 00:37:04,989 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪ ♪ ♪ 677 00:37:05,056 --> 00:37:15,032 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ 678 00:37:15,099 --> 00:37:24,976 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ 679 00:37:25,042 --> 00:37:35,019 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ 680 00:37:35,086 --> 00:37:40,992 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ 681 00:37:41,058 --> 00:37:51,035 ♪ ON THE WRONG SIDE ♪ ♪ ♪ 682 00:37:51,102 --> 00:37:57,375 ♪ ON THE WRONG SIDE ♪ ♪ ♪ 683 00:38:05,049 --> 00:38:15,026 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ 684 00:38:15,092 --> 00:38:24,969 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ 685 00:38:25,036 --> 00:38:35,012 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ 686 00:38:35,079 --> 00:38:40,985 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ 687 00:38:41,052 --> 00:38:51,028 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ 688 00:38:51,095 --> 00:39:07,211 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ 689 00:39:07,278 --> 00:39:17,254 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ 690 00:39:17,321 --> 00:39:23,461 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ 691 00:39:49,053 --> 00:39:59,029 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ 692 00:39:59,096 --> 00:40:05,236 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ 693 00:40:25,055 --> 00:40:28,225 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> STEPHEN: LINDSEY BUCKINGHAM, 694 00:40:28,292 --> 00:40:29,560 EVERYBODY. 695 00:40:29,627 --> 00:40:30,961 THAT'S IT FOR THE LATE SHOW. 696 00:40:31,028 --> 00:40:32,062 JAMES CORDEN IS NEXT. 697 00:40:32,129 --> 00:40:33,898 GOODNIGHT. 698 00:40:33,964 --> 00:40:36,700 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THAT WAS FANTASTIC.