1 00:00:01,401 --> 00:00:03,636 >> ACCORDING TO A NEW REPORT IN THE JOURNAL OF "TRENDS AND 2 00:00:03,703 --> 00:00:06,473 ECOLOGY AND EVOLUTION," SOME ANIMALS ARE SHAPE-SHIFTING IN 3 00:00:06,539 --> 00:00:07,707 RESPONSE TO CLIMATE CHANGE. 4 00:00:07,774 --> 00:00:10,910 THE AUTHORS NOTED THAT ANIMALS ARE GETTING LARGER BEAKS, LEGS, 5 00:00:10,977 --> 00:00:15,482 AND EARS THAT ALLOW THEM TO BETTER REGULATE THEIR BODY 6 00:00:15,548 --> 00:00:16,716 TEMPERATURES AS THE PLANET GETS HOTTER. 7 00:00:16,783 --> 00:00:19,886 BUT THEY STRESSED, "WE DON'T KNOW IF THEY WILL BE ABLE TO 8 00:00:19,953 --> 00:00:24,624 KEEP UP AS THE CLIMATE CRISIS WORSENS." 9 00:00:24,691 --> 00:00:31,498 ♪ ♪ ♪ >> WELCOME TO "ANIMAL EARTH." 10 00:00:31,564 --> 00:00:36,603 AS GLOBAL WARMING ENCOMPASSES THE EARTH, CAUSING ICEBERGS TO 11 00:00:36,669 --> 00:00:40,607 MELT AND SEA LEVELS TO RISE, ANIMALS ARE FORCED TO ADAPT IN 12 00:00:40,673 --> 00:00:43,476 ORDER TO ENDURE. 13 00:00:43,543 --> 00:00:46,913 THIS IS THE EASTERN GRAY SQUIRREL, OR SCIURUS 14 00:00:46,980 --> 00:00:49,482 CAROLINENSIS, AS NOBODY CALLS IT. 15 00:00:49,549 --> 00:00:54,754 AS ITS HABITAT BECOMES INCREASINGLY WET, IT HAS 16 00:00:54,821 --> 00:00:56,623 DEVELOPED A MECHANISM BY WHICH TO SURVIVE. 17 00:00:56,689 --> 00:01:01,494 ( LAUGHTER ) IT IS A SKILL THAT IS BOTH 18 00:01:01,561 --> 00:01:07,467 CRUCIAL FOR IT TO THRIVE AS WELL AS AMUSING TO WATCH. 19 00:01:07,534 --> 00:01:12,672 NEXT WEEK ON "ANIMAL EARTH," AS CHANGES IN THE ENVIRONMENT 20 00:01:12,739 --> 00:01:16,609 CAUSES SCARCITY IN RESOURCES, THE GRAY SQUIRREL TURNS TO AN 21 00:01:16,676 --> 00:01:19,479 ALTERNATIVE FOOD SOURCE. 22 00:01:19,546 --> 00:01:20,647 ( LAUGHTER ) >> Announcer: IT'S "THE LATE 23 00:01:24,317 --> 00:01:27,153 SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT." 24 00:01:27,220 --> 00:01:34,961 TONIGHT: NEW VARIANT, NEW PROBLEM. 25 00:01:35,028 --> 00:01:38,965 PLUS, STEPHEN WELCOMES: CHRIS WALLACE 26 00:01:39,032 --> 00:01:42,035 AND HOLLAND TAYLOR FEATURING JON BATISTE AND STAY 27 00:01:43,470 --> 00:01:45,839 HUMAN. 28 00:01:51,010 --> 00:01:54,948 AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK 29 00:01:55,014 --> 00:01:57,851 CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT! 30 00:01:59,018 --> 00:02:01,387 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: HEY. 31 00:02:01,454 --> 00:02:05,291 HOW ARE YOU? 32 00:02:05,358 --> 00:02:07,327 GOOD TO SEE YOU! 33 00:02:07,393 --> 00:02:09,095 ♪ ♪ ♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 34 00:02:09,162 --> 00:02:21,808 THAT'S VERY NICE. 35 00:02:21,875 --> 00:02:23,476 HEY! 36 00:02:23,543 --> 00:02:24,477 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THANK YOU, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. 37 00:02:24,544 --> 00:02:25,378 THAT'S NICE. 38 00:02:25,445 --> 00:02:26,679 BOY, THAT FEELS GOOD. 39 00:02:26,746 --> 00:02:30,083 IT'S WONDERFUL TO BE WITH EVERYBODY HERE AGAIN TONIGHT. 40 00:02:30,149 --> 00:02:32,952 WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW." 41 00:02:33,019 --> 00:02:35,755 I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. 42 00:02:35,822 --> 00:02:38,725 NOW, SOME SHARP-EYED VIEWERS, AND CERTAINLY ONE PERSON IN THE 43 00:02:38,791 --> 00:02:42,128 AUDIENCE MAY HAVE NOTICED THAT I SHAVED OFF MY MUSTACHE. 44 00:02:42,195 --> 00:02:45,732 LAST NIGHT-- PEOPLE ARE ASK YG. 45 00:02:45,798 --> 00:02:49,202 WHERE DID THE MUSTACHE GO? 46 00:02:49,269 --> 00:02:54,073 THERE ARE REASONS FOR EVERYTHING WE DO HERE AT "THE LATE SHOW." 47 00:02:54,140 --> 00:02:56,943 IT'S ALL BASED ON SCIENCE. 48 00:02:57,010 --> 00:03:02,081 LAST NIGHT, WE DID AN ULTRA-SCIENTIFIC TWITTER POLL 49 00:03:02,148 --> 00:03:02,715 AND 71% SAID TRASH THE 'STACHE. 50 00:03:02,782 --> 00:03:03,283 OKAY. 51 00:03:03,349 --> 00:03:06,085 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ). 52 00:03:06,152 --> 00:03:07,453 RRT. 53 00:03:07,520 --> 00:03:08,087 ALL RIGHT. 54 00:03:08,154 --> 00:03:09,556 THAT'S JUST ONE DATA POINT. 55 00:03:09,622 --> 00:03:10,690 YOU CAN'T GO OFF OF ONE DATA POINT. 56 00:03:10,757 --> 00:03:14,928 SO LATER, A CBS/STEPHEN COLBERT'S WIFE POLL, FOUND THAT 57 00:03:14,994 --> 00:03:20,099 100% OF EVIE DID NOT LIKE THE 'STACHE. 58 00:03:20,166 --> 00:03:23,970 SHE WOULD NOT KISS ME WHILE I HAD IT, SO I SHAVED IT OFF, AND 59 00:03:24,037 --> 00:03:24,771 I GOT MY KISS. 60 00:03:24,837 --> 00:03:27,140 THE STORY HAS A HAPPY ENDING. 61 00:03:27,206 --> 00:03:27,907 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ). 62 00:03:27,974 --> 00:03:33,680 AND THEY LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER. 63 00:03:33,746 --> 00:03:35,315 OF COURSE, THESE DAYS, YOU'VE GOT TO BE CAREFUL WHO YOU KISS, 64 00:03:35,381 --> 00:03:44,123 THANKS TO THE DELTA VARIANT WHICH CURRENTLY ACCOUNTS FOR 99% 65 00:03:44,190 --> 00:03:46,826 OF COVID CASES IN THE UNITED STATES. 66 00:03:46,893 --> 00:03:48,027 AND IT'S SO WELL KNOWN THAT THE C.E.O. OF THE AIRLINE DELTA 67 00:03:48,094 --> 00:03:49,729 REVEALED HE'S STILL REFUSING TO CALL IT THE DELTA VARIANT. 68 00:03:49,796 --> 00:03:50,797 THAT'S IMPORTANT. 69 00:03:50,863 --> 00:03:54,167 I CAN TOTALLY UNDERSTAND THAT. 70 00:03:54,233 --> 00:04:01,808 BECAUSE BEING ASSOCIATED WITH A COMMUNICABLE DISEASE IS NOT 71 00:04:01,874 --> 00:04:02,976 GREAT FOR BUSINESS. 72 00:04:03,042 --> 00:04:04,611 THAT'S WHY STORES NO LONGER CARRY THE TASTY SYPHILIS JAM. 73 00:04:04,677 --> 00:04:07,280 YOU REMEMBER THEIR MOTTO: "NOTHING SPREADS LIKE SYPHILIS!" 74 00:04:07,347 --> 00:04:10,283 BUT-- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 75 00:04:10,350 --> 00:04:11,384 MMMM. 76 00:04:11,451 --> 00:04:18,191 MMMM. 77 00:04:18,257 --> 00:04:22,829 BUT THERE'S A NEW VARIANT IN TOWN, AND I'TS CALLED MU, NAMED 78 00:04:22,895 --> 00:04:26,032 AFTER THE 12th LETTER OF THE GREEK ALPHABET-- 79 00:04:26,099 --> 00:04:31,137 AND NOT, AS I THOUGHT, FOR THE POKEMON MEW. 80 00:04:31,204 --> 00:04:33,306 EITHER WAY, GOT TO GET VACCINATED, OR YOU'LL CATCH 'EM 81 00:04:33,373 --> 00:04:34,273 ALL. 82 00:04:34,340 --> 00:04:35,742 LAST WEEK THE WORLD HEALTH ORGANIZATION-- 83 00:04:35,808 --> 00:04:39,712 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YEAH. 84 00:04:39,779 --> 00:04:42,215 POKEMON FANS HERE TONIGHT. 85 00:04:42,281 --> 00:04:45,418 ( LAUGHTER ) LAST WEEK, THE WORLD HEALTH 86 00:04:45,485 --> 00:04:56,095 ORGANIZATION DESIGNATED MU A "VARIANT OF INTEREST." 87 00:04:56,162 --> 00:04:57,597 OKAY, IN THE P.R. WORLD, THAT'S WHATE WE CALL BUZZ." 88 00:04:57,664 --> 00:04:59,332 NOW, TECHNICALLY, A "VARIANT OF INTEREST" IS LESS DIRE THAN A 89 00:04:59,399 --> 00:05:04,837 "VARIANT OF CONCERN," LIKE DELTA IS CHARACTERIZED. 90 00:05:04,904 --> 00:05:06,205 THE RATING GOES "VARIANT OF INTEREST," 91 00:05:06,272 --> 00:05:09,108 "VARIANT OF CONCERN," "VARIANT OF PANTS-CRAPPING"-- 92 00:05:09,175 --> 00:05:11,177 SOMETIMES CALLED "CODE BROWN"-- AND, FINALLY, "VARIANT OF 93 00:05:11,244 --> 00:05:12,378 IS THERE ANY MORE ROOM ON JEFF BEZOS' PENIS ROCKET TO ESCAPE 94 00:05:12,445 --> 00:05:24,190 THE PLANET?" ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 95 00:05:24,257 --> 00:05:25,458 IN A PRESS RELEASE, THE W.H.O. 96 00:05:25,525 --> 00:05:29,295 SAID THAT VACCINES MAY NOT WORK AGAINST MU, EXPLAINING THAT THE 97 00:05:29,362 --> 00:05:35,468 VARIANT HAS PROPERTIES TO EVADE OUR IMMUNE SYSTEM CAUSED BY 98 00:05:35,535 --> 00:05:37,270 "A CONSTELLATION OF MUTATIONS"-- A CONSTELLATION ALSO KNOWN AS 99 00:05:37,336 --> 00:05:40,106 "THE BIG DOWNER." 100 00:05:40,173 --> 00:05:41,274 ( LAUGHTER ) BUT THERE IS SOME GOOD-ISH NEWS 101 00:05:41,340 --> 00:05:44,177 OUT THERE. 102 00:05:44,243 --> 00:05:49,782 IN PART BECAUSE PEOPLE ARE RATTLED BY THIS DELTA SURGE, 75% 103 00:05:49,849 --> 00:05:52,452 OF U.S. ADULTS HAVE TAKEN AT LEAST ONE DOSE OF COVID-19 104 00:05:52,518 --> 00:05:53,586 VACCINE. 105 00:05:53,653 --> 00:05:54,420 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) OKAY, PEOPLE IN THIS ROOM, 106 00:05:54,487 --> 00:06:02,962 EVERYBODY IN THIS ROOM, FOR INSTANCE. 107 00:06:03,029 --> 00:06:04,130 OKAY. 108 00:06:04,197 --> 00:06:05,665 75%, MEANING THIS LIFESAVING VACCINE IS JUST SLIGHTLY MORE 109 00:06:05,732 --> 00:06:08,201 POPULAR THAN ME SHAVING OFF MY MUSTACHE. 110 00:06:08,267 --> 00:06:14,173 ( LAUGHTER ) SO FAR, SO FAR, VACCINES HAVE 111 00:06:14,240 --> 00:06:17,276 ONLY GONE TO ADULTS AND TEENS, BECAUSE THEY'RE NOT AUTHORIZED 112 00:06:17,343 --> 00:06:20,179 FOR CHILDREN UNDER 12, UNTIL PFIZER FIGURES OUT HOW TO MAKE 113 00:06:20,246 --> 00:06:21,280 RAZZLEBERRY VACCINE ROLL-UPS. 114 00:06:21,347 --> 00:06:27,286 ( LAUGHTER ) NOW ALL OF THAT WAS FINE FOR 115 00:06:27,353 --> 00:06:30,523 COVID CLASSIC BECAUSE KIDS WEREN'T CATCHING 116 00:06:30,590 --> 00:06:32,158 IT, BUT THANKS TO DELTA, PEDIATRIC CASES ARE SURGING AS 117 00:06:32,225 --> 00:06:33,292 STUDENTS HEAD BACK TO SCHOOL. 118 00:06:33,359 --> 00:06:36,162 THAT'S NOT GOOD, BECAUSE IN ADDITION TO COVID, IT'S ALSO 119 00:06:36,229 --> 00:06:37,296 COOTIE SEASON. 120 00:06:37,363 --> 00:06:41,334 I CERTAINLY HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS ROOM HAS GOTTEN THEIR 121 00:06:41,400 --> 00:06:42,301 CIRCLE DOT COOTIE SHOT. 122 00:06:42,368 --> 00:06:48,641 OR THEY COULD END UP WITH A PURPLE NURPLE. 123 00:06:48,708 --> 00:06:50,176 FOR COLLEGE KIDS, BACK TO SCHOOL MEANS BACK TO PACKED STADIUMS, 124 00:06:50,243 --> 00:06:51,944 AND A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE AFRAID COLLEGE FOOTBALL GAMES 125 00:06:52,011 --> 00:06:56,182 COULD BECOME SUPERSPREADER EVENTS. 126 00:06:56,249 --> 00:06:58,618 HERE'S THE CROWD FROM U.N.C.-VIRGINIA TECH GAME THIS 127 00:06:58,684 --> 00:07:01,287 WEEKEND THAT DID NOT REQUIRE VACCINATION AND WHERE ALMOST NO 128 00:07:01,354 --> 00:07:03,222 ONE WAS WEARING A MASK. 129 00:07:03,289 --> 00:07:09,295 ( WHISTLE ) "PERSONAL FOUL. 130 00:07:09,362 --> 00:07:11,531 FAILURE TO PROTECT YOURSELF AND OTHERS. 131 00:07:11,597 --> 00:07:14,167 ( LAUGHTER ) SETS THE COUNTRY BACK FIVE 132 00:07:14,233 --> 00:07:17,303 YEARS. 133 00:07:17,370 --> 00:07:20,173 STILL 4TH WAVE." 134 00:07:20,239 --> 00:07:27,947 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) IF THERE'S ONE THING-- IF 135 00:07:28,014 --> 00:07:30,950 THERE'S ONE THING I KNOW ABOUT SHOW BUSINESS IS THAT SOUND GUYS 136 00:07:31,017 --> 00:07:38,157 REALLY LOVE WHEN YOU USE A WHISTLE. 137 00:07:38,224 --> 00:07:42,028 ( BLOWING WHISTLE ) SOMEONE IS QUITTING IN THE 138 00:07:42,094 --> 00:07:44,163 CONTROL ROOM RIGHT NOW. 139 00:07:44,230 --> 00:07:45,631 ( LAUGHTER ) THE ATLANTIC COAST CONFERENCE'S 140 00:07:45,698 --> 00:07:51,737 TWEET ABOUT THE GAME UNIRONICALLY USED THE CAPTION, 141 00:07:51,804 --> 00:07:55,675 "ABSOLUTE CHILLS," FOLLOWED BY "ABSOLUTE FEVER" AND "ABSOLUTE 142 00:07:55,741 --> 00:07:56,642 LOSS OF TASTE AND SMELL." 143 00:07:56,709 --> 00:08:01,280 ( LAUGHTER ) BUT IT'S NOT JUST THE A.C.C. 144 00:08:01,347 --> 00:08:05,218 THE UNIVERSITY OF IOWA'S STADIUM ALSO DOES NOT REQUIRE VACCINES 145 00:08:05,284 --> 00:08:08,187 OR MASKS, AND HERE'S THE CROWD WAVING AT THE HOSPITAL BEHIND 146 00:08:08,254 --> 00:08:09,288 THE STADIUM. 147 00:08:09,355 --> 00:08:13,159 "HI, HOSPITAL! 148 00:08:13,226 --> 00:08:16,429 SEE YOU IN TWO TO 14 DAYS!" BUT THESE ARE COLLEGE KIDS. 149 00:08:16,495 --> 00:08:20,166 I'M SURE THEY'RE MAKING GOOD, HEALTHY CHOICES. 150 00:08:20,233 --> 00:08:25,271 LET'S CHECK IN ON SOME ACTUAL FAN FOOTAGE FROM THE 151 00:08:25,338 --> 00:08:33,613 GEORGIA-CLEMSON GAME AT LAST WEEKEND'S DUKE MAYO CLASSIC: 152 00:08:33,679 --> 00:08:38,184 SEE, THAT'S RESPONSIBLE-- THAT'S A RESPONSIBLE CHOICE. 153 00:08:38,251 --> 00:08:44,190 HE WAS NOT SHARING HIS GIANT TUB OF MAYONNAISE WITH ANYONE. 154 00:08:44,257 --> 00:08:45,491 SO HE KNOWS IT'S NOT THE COVID THAT'S GOING TO KILL HIM, AND 155 00:08:45,558 --> 00:08:48,761 TRULY HUMBLING TO WATCH. 156 00:08:48,828 --> 00:08:49,896 UNTIL I SAW THAT VIDEO, I THOUGHT I WAS THE WHITEST MAN 157 00:08:49,962 --> 00:08:50,663 IN AMERICA. 158 00:08:50,730 --> 00:08:53,532 ALL HAIL THE NEW KING OF CAUCASIA! 159 00:08:53,599 --> 00:09:05,945 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 160 00:09:06,012 --> 00:09:07,213 THAT'S-- THANKS TO MAN-MADE GLOBAL 161 00:09:07,280 --> 00:09:13,252 WARMING, WE'VE SEEN MASSIVE HURRICANES, RAGING FLOODS, AND 162 00:09:13,319 --> 00:09:13,853 OUT-OF-CONTROL FOREST FIRES. 163 00:09:13,920 --> 00:09:16,222 AND THAT'S JUST THIS WEEK. 164 00:09:16,289 --> 00:09:17,623 WE'RE ALL TENANTS OF PLANET EARTH, AND WE ARE DEFINITELY NOT 165 00:09:17,690 --> 00:09:20,192 GETTING OUR SECURITY DEPOSIT BACK. 166 00:09:20,259 --> 00:09:23,429 AND IT'S NOT JUST OUR LIVES WE'RE CHANGING FOREVER NOW. 167 00:09:23,496 --> 00:09:24,797 BECAUSE A NEW REPORT SAYS THAT ANIMALS ARE SHAPE-SHIFTING IN 168 00:09:24,864 --> 00:09:25,431 RESPONSE TO THE CLIMATE CRISIS. 169 00:09:25,498 --> 00:09:27,633 SAME HERE. 170 00:09:27,700 --> 00:09:31,771 ( LAUGHTER ) THESE AREN'T LOVE HANDLES. 171 00:09:31,837 --> 00:09:34,040 BEFORE THE SEA LEVELS RISE, I'M GROWING MY OWN WATER WINGS. 172 00:09:34,106 --> 00:09:34,707 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 173 00:09:34,774 --> 00:09:43,582 ALL RIGHT. 174 00:09:43,649 --> 00:09:46,485 THIS STUFF IS SCARY. 175 00:09:46,552 --> 00:09:53,059 BUT WHY ARE WE CALLING IT SHAPE-SHIFTING? 176 00:09:53,125 --> 00:09:54,427 WHEN A SPECIES ADAPTS OVER TIME, THERE'S A NAME. 177 00:09:54,493 --> 00:10:01,133 IT'S CALLED EVOLUTION. 178 00:10:01,200 --> 00:10:02,335 THAT'S CALLED EVOLUTION. 179 00:10:02,401 --> 00:10:03,135 SHAPE-SHIFTING IS WHEN YOU SEE A BAT, LOOK AWAY FOR A SECOND, 180 00:10:03,202 --> 00:10:04,670 AND THEN DRACULA IS STANDING THERE. 181 00:10:04,737 --> 00:10:05,671 ( DRACULA VOICE ) "I VANT TO SUCK FROM A PAPER 182 00:10:05,738 --> 00:10:07,640 STRAW." 183 00:10:07,707 --> 00:10:10,142 ACCORDING-- THE IDEA OF THAT JOKE IS THAT DRACULA IS 184 00:10:10,209 --> 00:10:11,077 CONCERNED ABOUT POLLUTION. 185 00:10:11,143 --> 00:10:13,312 ( LAUGHTER ) ACCORDING TO THE REPORT, 186 00:10:13,379 --> 00:10:16,916 WARM-BLOODED ANIMALS ARE CHANGING THEIR PHYSIOLOGY TO 187 00:10:16,983 --> 00:10:18,918 ADAPT TO A HOTTER CLIMATE, IN PART BY GETTING LARGER LEGS TO 188 00:10:18,985 --> 00:10:20,186 BETTER REGULATE THEIR BODY TEMPERATURE. 189 00:10:20,252 --> 00:10:26,092 OKAY, THAT'S UPSETTING, BUT IT DOES MEAN THAT BEFORE THE WORLD 190 00:10:26,158 --> 00:10:29,628 ENDS, THERE'S A CHANCE WE MIGHT GET TO SEE SOME SEXY PENGUINS. 191 00:10:29,695 --> 00:10:32,198 BUT IT'S NOT JUST BIRDS WHO ARE ADAPTING. 192 00:10:32,264 --> 00:10:36,335 THE AUTHOR OF THE STUDY POINTED OUT THAT PROMINENT APPENDAGES, 193 00:10:36,402 --> 00:10:39,338 SUCH AS EARS, ARE PREDICTED TO INCREASE, SO WE MIGHT END UP 194 00:10:39,405 --> 00:10:45,277 WITH A LIVE-ACTION DUMBO IN THE NOT-SO-DISTANT FUTURE. 195 00:10:45,344 --> 00:10:48,047 OKAY, I QUESTION THIS SCIENCE, BECAUSE THERE ALREADY WAS A 196 00:10:48,114 --> 00:10:49,281 LIVE-ACTION DUMBO. 197 00:10:49,348 --> 00:10:52,885 AND JUST LIKE CLIMATE CHANGE, ALL THE COMPUTER MODELING WARNED 198 00:10:52,952 --> 00:10:56,622 US IT WOULD BE A DISASTER, AND YET WE DID NOTHING TO STOP IT. 199 00:10:56,689 --> 00:11:00,292 BUT IT'S NOT ALL BAD NEWS OUT THERE. 200 00:11:00,359 --> 00:11:01,460 NO. 201 00:11:01,527 --> 00:11:02,361 TODAY, VIRGINIA REMOVED THE ROBERT E. LEE STATUE FROM ITS 202 00:11:02,428 --> 00:11:05,297 STATE CAPITAL. 203 00:11:05,364 --> 00:11:15,875 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AM JIM, JIM, LET'S GO TO THE 204 00:11:15,941 --> 00:11:17,276 FOOTAGE. 205 00:11:17,343 --> 00:11:18,377 THE SOUTH DID RISE AGAIN! 206 00:11:18,444 --> 00:11:21,280 AND THEN WAS IMMEDIATELY LOWERED INTO THE PARKING LOT. 207 00:11:21,347 --> 00:11:24,250 THEN A WORK CREW BEGAN CUTTING IT INTO PIECES FOR 208 00:11:24,316 --> 00:11:25,284 TRANSPORTATION. 209 00:11:25,351 --> 00:11:30,756 IT'S LIKE LINCOLN SAID: "A STATUE OF ROBERT E. LEE 210 00:11:30,823 --> 00:11:32,191 DIVIDED AGAINST ITSELF CANNOT STAND, AND THAT'S OKAY WITH 211 00:11:32,258 --> 00:11:35,227 ME." 212 00:11:35,294 --> 00:11:40,332 AND THIS REMOVAL FROM THE CAPITAL-- IT'S FROM THE CAPITAL 213 00:11:40,399 --> 00:11:43,069 GROUNDS-- IS LONG OVERDUE. 214 00:11:43,135 --> 00:11:46,172 I HAVE ONE QUIBBLE. 215 00:11:46,238 --> 00:11:49,241 I UNDERSTAND TAKING DOWN LEE, BUT WHY DID THEY HAVE TO TAKE 216 00:11:49,308 --> 00:11:49,909 DOWN HIS HORSE, TRAVELER? 217 00:11:49,975 --> 00:11:51,143 THE HORSE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING. 218 00:11:51,210 --> 00:11:53,212 WHEN ASKED IF HE WANTED TO JOIN THE FIGHT TO PRESERVE SLAVERY, 219 00:11:53,279 --> 00:11:54,146 HE SAID "NEIGH." 220 00:11:54,213 --> 00:11:57,850 ( LAUGHTER ) NOW-- YOU CAN'T SEE IT ON 221 00:11:57,917 --> 00:12:01,287 CAMERA, BUT THESE PEOPLE ARE ABOUT TO RUSH THE STAGE, PUT 222 00:12:01,353 --> 00:12:05,291 ME-- THEIR SHOULDERS AND MARCH ME ON TO BROADWAY AS THE 223 00:12:05,357 --> 00:12:08,027 CHAMPION OF ALL JOKES RIGHT NOW. 224 00:12:08,094 --> 00:12:08,894 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ). 225 00:12:08,961 --> 00:12:11,697 SECURITY-- SECURITY IS HOLDING THEM BACK. 226 00:12:11,764 --> 00:12:13,199 WE CAN'T GET A SHOT OF IT. 227 00:12:13,265 --> 00:12:17,303 WE CAN'T GET A SHOT OF IT. 228 00:12:17,369 --> 00:12:19,171 SPEAKING OF POORLY-THOUGHT-OUT SECESSIONS, THE U.K. IS STILL 229 00:12:19,238 --> 00:12:24,677 SUFFERING PLENTY OF COMPLICATIONS FROM BREXIT. 230 00:12:24,743 --> 00:12:26,779 IT'S HARDER TO IMPORT STUFF FROM EUROPE FOR THEM NOW, SO THEY'RE 231 00:12:26,846 --> 00:12:30,382 BUYING STUFF FROM US INSTEAD. 232 00:12:30,449 --> 00:12:33,285 AND NOW ITALY HAS WARNED THE U.K., AMERICA IS FEEDING YOU 233 00:12:33,352 --> 00:12:36,655 COUNTERFEIT PASTA, COMPLAINING THAT THE U.S. FIRMS USE FANCY 234 00:12:36,722 --> 00:12:41,293 LABELING AND ITALIAN COLORS TO TRY TO PASS FOR AUTHENTIC 235 00:12:41,360 --> 00:12:42,027 ITALIAN PRODUCTS. 236 00:12:42,094 --> 00:12:44,163 HEY, PUMP THE POMODOROS, PAESANO. 237 00:12:44,230 --> 00:12:46,165 ARE YOU SAYING AMERICAN ITALIAN FOOD ISN'T AUTHENTIC? 238 00:12:46,232 --> 00:12:51,504 NEXT YOU ARE GOING TO TELL ME THAT JOHN ISN'T MY REAL PAPA, OR 239 00:12:51,570 --> 00:12:55,441 THAT THIS GUY ISN'T ACTUALLY IN CHARGE OF THE SPECIALS! 240 00:12:55,508 --> 00:12:57,276 ( LAUGHTER ) THIS WHOLE THING MAKES ME SAD, 241 00:12:57,343 --> 00:13:00,546 BECAUSE ITALY IS ONE OF MY FAVORITE PLACES IN THE WORLD. 242 00:13:00,613 --> 00:13:01,747 SO IN THE SPIRIT OF INTERNATIONAL HARMONY AND ME 243 00:13:01,814 --> 00:13:08,187 BEING ABLE TO EAT GELATO WITH GEORGE CLOONEY AT LAKE COMO, I 244 00:13:08,254 --> 00:13:15,528 WANT TO INVITE ITALIANS TO JOIN ME IN THE ITALY-CAM. 245 00:13:15,594 --> 00:13:17,296 ( ITALIAN ACCENT ) BUON GIORNO, BENVENUTO A LA 246 00:13:17,363 --> 00:13:18,197 CAMERA D'ITALIANO. 247 00:13:18,264 --> 00:13:21,400 ISSA-ME, MARIO! 248 00:13:21,467 --> 00:13:23,536 I MEAN, STEFANO. 249 00:13:23,602 --> 00:13:26,272 WE HEAR YOU ARE A BIT MAD ABOUT THE STATI UNITI SELLING THE 250 00:13:26,338 --> 00:13:27,406 KNOCK-OFF MACARONI. 251 00:13:27,473 --> 00:13:28,741 BUT AS THEY SAY IN YOUR BEAUTIFUL COUNTRY: WHEN YOU ARE 252 00:13:28,807 --> 00:13:30,042 HERE, YOU ARE FAMILY. 253 00:13:30,109 --> 00:13:34,713 SO WHY NOT JOIN YOUR FRIENDS IN ENGLAND AND TRY SOME OF OUR 254 00:13:34,780 --> 00:13:35,781 FINEST AUTHENTIC ITALIAN RECIPES, LIKE A TOMB-STON-E 255 00:13:35,848 --> 00:13:39,251 PIZZA! 256 00:13:39,318 --> 00:13:42,154 ALL THE FLAVOR OF A GRAVEYARD. 257 00:13:42,221 --> 00:13:42,922 OR OUR DELICIOUS BEEFARONI. 258 00:13:42,988 --> 00:13:47,259 JUST LIKE MAMA USED TO PASTEURIZE! 259 00:13:47,326 --> 00:13:51,897 OR THIS THING, CALLED "THE CRAZY CALZONY" IN A MISGUIDED ATTEMPT 260 00:13:51,964 --> 00:13:58,537 TO DESTIGMATIZE MENTAL ILLNESS. 261 00:13:58,604 --> 00:14:00,172 UNLIMITED BRED STICKS, EVERYONE! 262 00:14:00,239 --> 00:14:03,576 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU 263 00:14:03,642 --> 00:14:04,743 TONIGHT. 264 00:14:04,810 --> 00:14:07,680 MY GUESTS ARE JOURNALIST CHRIS WALLACE AND ACTRESS HOLLAND 265 00:14:07,746 --> 00:14:08,914 TAYLOR. 266 00:14:08,981 --> 00:14:12,751 BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, DO EMOJIS STILL MEAN WHAT THEY USED TO? 267 00:14:12,818 --> 00:14:15,754 ALSO, WHAT DID EMOJIS USED TO MEAN? 268 00:14:15,821 --> 00:14:16,989 STICK AROUND. 269 00:14:52,091 --> 00:14:53,792 >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY! 270 00:14:53,859 --> 00:14:59,098 GIVE IT UP FOR JON BATISTE AND STAY HUMAN. 271 00:14:59,164 --> 00:15:00,633 RIGHT THERE. 272 00:15:00,699 --> 00:15:05,404 THTHAR SHE BLOWS. 273 00:15:05,471 --> 00:15:09,074 THERE IT IS. 274 00:15:09,141 --> 00:15:12,678 JON, JON, I WANT TO GIVE IT UP FOR YOU AND THE BAND AGAIN FOR 275 00:15:12,745 --> 00:15:18,584 THE SONG WE ALL DID LAST NIGHT ♪ ALL MY FRIENDS ARE VACCINATED 276 00:15:18,651 --> 00:15:21,920 >> THE "FOUR EXCUSES" SONG. 277 00:15:21,987 --> 00:15:22,921 IT'S BLOWING UP. 278 00:15:22,988 --> 00:15:24,056 IS THIS TRUE? 279 00:15:24,123 --> 00:15:25,858 IT CRASHED THE SERVERS. 280 00:15:25,924 --> 00:15:27,626 IT CRASHED THE NETWORK. 281 00:15:27,693 --> 00:15:30,896 YEAH, THEY DIDN'T HAVE ANYTHING ON AFTER CORDON. 282 00:15:30,963 --> 00:15:33,265 THAT'S THE LATEST WE BROADCAST LAST NIGHT. 283 00:15:33,332 --> 00:15:34,466 >> Jon: YEAH, BABY. 284 00:15:34,533 --> 00:15:36,201 >> Stephen: CHECK IT OUT IF YOU HAVEN'T CHECKED IT OUT YET. 285 00:15:36,268 --> 00:15:37,736 IT'S HEALED A NATION. 286 00:15:37,803 --> 00:15:38,404 >> Jon: THAT'S RIGHT. 287 00:15:38,470 --> 00:15:39,805 >> Stephen: AND TONIGHT, TOO. 288 00:15:39,872 --> 00:15:42,808 WE HAVE TWO FANTASTIC GUESTS. 289 00:15:42,875 --> 00:15:44,977 I'M LOOKING AT THE CARDS. 290 00:15:45,044 --> 00:15:50,049 THE ACTUAL QUESTIONS I'LL BE ASKING CHRIS WALLACE, FOX NEWS 291 00:15:50,115 --> 00:15:52,985 SUNDAY HOST, AND HOLLAND TAYLOR. 292 00:15:53,052 --> 00:15:54,320 INCREDIBLE ACTRESS WILL BE OUT HERE TONIGHT. 293 00:15:54,386 --> 00:15:56,789 >> Jon: IT'S GOING TO BE INCREDIBLE. 294 00:15:56,855 --> 00:16:00,859 >> Stephen: EVERY NIGHT, IT'S ALWAYS INCREDIBLE. 295 00:16:00,926 --> 00:16:02,227 FOLKS, RECENTLY I'VE NOTICED THAT I'M NOT ABLE TO COMMUNICATE 296 00:16:02,294 --> 00:16:04,863 WITH MY YOUNGER PEERS AS EASILY AS I USED TO. 297 00:16:04,930 --> 00:16:06,799 AND THIS ISN'T THE FIRST TIME. 298 00:16:06,865 --> 00:16:08,067 A COUPLE OF MONTHS AGO, I HAD TO LEARN ABOUT THE KIDS' HOT NEW 299 00:16:08,133 --> 00:16:09,835 WORD: CHEUGY. 300 00:16:09,902 --> 00:16:10,903 GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THAT ONE. 301 00:16:10,969 --> 00:16:12,805 AND IT IS DELICIOUS. 302 00:16:12,871 --> 00:16:17,843 I THINK. 303 00:16:17,910 --> 00:16:21,246 BUT NOW, I'M HAVING A NEW PROBLEM, AND THAT'S TEXTING WITH 304 00:16:21,313 --> 00:16:22,247 YOUNG PEOPLE. 305 00:16:22,314 --> 00:16:23,082 AND I'LL TELL YOU THE LATEST IN MY NEW SEGMENT: 306 00:16:23,148 --> 00:16:24,783 "STEPHEN COLBERT PRESENTS: THAT'S YEET. 307 00:16:24,850 --> 00:16:29,855 DABBING ON FLEEK, FAM!" ( LAUGHTER ) 308 00:16:29,922 --> 00:16:36,795 TODAY'S TOPIC IN THE GENERATIONAL HOLY WAR: EMOJIS. 309 00:16:36,862 --> 00:16:38,931 NOW, YOU THINK YOU KNOW WHAT A SMILEY FACE MEANS? 310 00:16:38,997 --> 00:16:40,199 WELL, THINK AGAIN, CBS VIEWER. 311 00:16:40,265 --> 00:16:42,167 BECAUSE IT TURNS OUT THAT SMILEY EMOJIS NOW MEAN DIFFERENT 312 00:16:42,234 --> 00:16:44,269 THINGS TO DIFFERENT PEOPLE. 313 00:16:44,336 --> 00:16:45,337 WHAT? 314 00:16:45,404 --> 00:16:48,006 THAT MAKES ME SO CRYING FACE EMOJI. 315 00:16:48,073 --> 00:16:48,807 OR DOES IT?! 316 00:16:48,874 --> 00:16:52,411 THERE'S NO WAY TO KNOW ANYMORE! 317 00:16:52,478 --> 00:16:57,015 BECAUSE IT TURNS OUT THAT PEOPLE OVER 30 USE EMOJIS TO CONVEY 318 00:16:57,082 --> 00:17:00,786 WHAT THE IMAGES ALWAYS DID, BUT YOUNGER "DIGITAL NATIVES" MIGHT 319 00:17:00,853 --> 00:17:05,257 ASCRIBE SARCASTIC MEANINGS TO THEM. 320 00:17:05,324 --> 00:17:09,862 SO, WHILE I THINK IT'S TOTES CHILL TO SEND A SMILEY FACE IN A 321 00:17:09,928 --> 00:17:11,697 TEXT, FOR MANY TEENS AND 20-SOMETHINGS, A SMILEY 322 00:17:11,764 --> 00:17:13,132 FACE POPPING UP IN A TEXT OR EMAIL IS SEEN AS PATRONIZING OR 323 00:17:13,198 --> 00:17:17,836 PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE. 324 00:17:17,903 --> 00:17:22,574 OKAY, THIS IS WHY I USE EMOJIS THAT HAVE ONLY ONE POSSIBLE 325 00:17:22,641 --> 00:17:24,376 MEANING, LIKE WHEN MY WIFE IS OUT SHOPPING AND I REMIND HER WE 326 00:17:24,443 --> 00:17:24,777 NEED EGGPLANTS... 327 00:17:24,843 --> 00:17:25,844 PEACHES... 328 00:17:25,911 --> 00:17:29,848 AND BOTTLED WATER. 329 00:17:29,915 --> 00:17:31,049 BUT-- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 330 00:17:31,116 --> 00:17:31,750 >> Jon: OH, MAN. 331 00:17:31,817 --> 00:17:33,118 >> Stephen: GOTTA KEEP A LIST. 332 00:17:33,185 --> 00:17:34,453 VERY IMPORTANT. 333 00:17:34,520 --> 00:17:36,789 KEEP A LIST. 334 00:17:36,855 --> 00:17:41,894 BUT SOME EMOJIS HAVE MULTIPLE MEANINGS NOW. 335 00:17:41,960 --> 00:17:43,162 TAKE THE COWBOY EMOJI. 336 00:17:43,228 --> 00:17:47,966 FOR US OLDIESS, IT CAN SIGNIFY A SPECIAL BRAND OF QUIRKY, GIGGLY 337 00:17:48,033 --> 00:17:49,835 HAPPINESS, WHILE FOR MANY GEN Z, IT MEANS THE SENDER IS 338 00:17:49,902 --> 00:17:53,839 PUTTING ON A FRONT, SMILING ON THE OUTSIDE WHILE DYING ON THE 339 00:17:53,906 --> 00:17:55,107 INSIDE. 340 00:17:55,174 --> 00:17:57,843 AND IT BEING A COWBOY, I ASSUME IT'S INTERNAL HEMORRHAGING AFTER 341 00:17:57,910 --> 00:18:00,779 BEING TRAMPLED. 342 00:18:00,846 --> 00:18:03,315 ( LAUGHTER ) ALL OF THIS IS WHY I RELY ON MY 343 00:18:03,382 --> 00:18:06,251 WRITING TEAM OF YOUNGLINGS TO BRING ME UP TO SPEED. 344 00:18:06,318 --> 00:18:17,262 NOW, HERE TO HELP ME WITH MY MARICOPA MOJO IS MY 20-SOMETHING 345 00:18:17,329 --> 00:18:17,863 WRITER, FELIPE TORRES MEDINA. 346 00:18:17,930 --> 00:18:24,236 FELIPE? 347 00:18:24,303 --> 00:18:24,870 FELIPE, AREN'T YOU GONNA SAY HI? 348 00:18:24,937 --> 00:18:25,838 >> I DID. 349 00:18:25,904 --> 00:18:30,809 I TEXTED YOU. 350 00:18:30,876 --> 00:18:35,314 ( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: YOU SENT ME AN EMOJI 351 00:18:35,380 --> 00:18:36,782 OF AN EGGROLL. 352 00:18:36,849 --> 00:18:37,850 >> RIGHT. 353 00:18:37,916 --> 00:18:40,886 HI! 354 00:18:40,953 --> 00:18:42,421 ( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: OKAY, FELIPE. 355 00:18:42,488 --> 00:18:45,858 I RECENTLY GOT A TEXT FROM ONE OF MY KIDS, AND I DON'T GET IT. 356 00:18:45,924 --> 00:18:49,428 IT SAYS, "HI, DAD. 357 00:18:49,495 --> 00:18:54,032 WIDGEY KISS EMOJI, BICEP EMOJI, AIRPLANE SEAT EMOJI. 358 00:18:54,099 --> 00:18:54,800 WHAT IS THAT? 359 00:18:54,867 --> 00:18:55,801 >> OH, THAT'S EASY. 360 00:18:55,868 --> 00:18:57,836 THE WINKY KISS MEANS LOVE. 361 00:18:57,903 --> 00:18:58,904 I THINK. 362 00:18:58,971 --> 00:19:03,375 AND THE BICEPS IS WAVING, BUT LIKE, STRONGLY WAVING? 363 00:19:03,442 --> 00:19:04,543 UNLESS THEY'RE BEING SARCASTIC? 364 00:19:04,610 --> 00:19:05,177 >> Stephen: FELIPE, ARE YOU SURE YOU KNOW HOW TO READ THESE 365 00:19:05,244 --> 00:19:08,780 EMOJIS LIKE YOUNG PEOPLE? 366 00:19:08,847 --> 00:19:09,882 >> YEAH, I'M YOUNG. 367 00:19:09,948 --> 00:19:11,950 I'M 20-SOMETHING. 368 00:19:12,017 --> 00:19:16,388 ( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: 20 WHAT? 369 00:19:16,455 --> 00:19:17,623 >> SOMETHING. 370 00:19:17,689 --> 00:19:20,993 ( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: FELIPE, ARE YOU 30? 371 00:19:21,059 --> 00:19:24,563 >> NOT FOR TWO MORE MONTHS. 372 00:19:24,630 --> 00:19:25,898 I HAVE 55 DAYS TO BE YOUNG AND COOL. 373 00:19:25,964 --> 00:19:28,000 I CAN MIDDLE PART. 374 00:19:28,066 --> 00:19:29,868 I KNOW WHAT EMOJIS MEAN. 375 00:19:29,935 --> 00:19:31,236 I DON'T WANNA DIE. 376 00:19:31,303 --> 00:19:32,170 ( LAUGHTER ). 377 00:19:32,237 --> 00:19:36,041 >> Stephen: OKAY, LISTEN, LISTEN, CALM DOWN. 378 00:19:36,108 --> 00:19:37,175 I'M GOING TO NEED A REAL GEN Z PERSON. 379 00:19:37,242 --> 00:19:41,914 >> DID SOMEBODY SAY WRITERS' ASSISTANT, CARA WASHINGTON? 380 00:19:41,980 --> 00:19:49,855 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: NO. 381 00:19:49,922 --> 00:19:52,457 BUT, CARA, THANK YOU. 382 00:19:52,524 --> 00:19:53,892 CAN YOU HELP US DECIPHER THESE EMOJIS? 383 00:19:53,959 --> 00:19:55,928 >> UH, NO. 384 00:19:55,994 --> 00:19:57,763 FOR GEN Z, EMOJIS ARE SO CHEUGY. 385 00:19:57,829 --> 00:19:58,997 WE DO THIS NEW THING. 386 00:19:59,064 --> 00:20:01,867 YOU, LIKE, DIAL THESE NUMBERS, AND THEN YOUR FRIENDS PICK UP ON 387 00:20:01,934 --> 00:20:08,574 THE OTHER END, AND THEN YOU USE WORDS FROM YOUR FACE TO D.M. 388 00:20:08,640 --> 00:20:09,875 INTO THEIR EAR IN REAL TIME. 389 00:20:09,942 --> 00:20:12,277 YOU WOULDN'T GET IT. 390 00:20:12,344 --> 00:20:15,047 ( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: YOU MEAN YOU MAKE 391 00:20:15,113 --> 00:20:17,149 A PHONE CALL? 392 00:20:17,215 --> 00:20:18,817 >> IT'S CALLED MOUTH TEXTING, GRANDPA. 393 00:20:18,884 --> 00:20:20,953 >> MOUTH TEXTING? 394 00:20:21,019 --> 00:20:22,120 OKAY, ZOOMER. 395 00:20:22,187 --> 00:20:24,356 >> Stephen: MY STAFF WRITER AND YOUTH CORRESPONDENT, GLENN 396 00:20:24,423 --> 00:20:25,424 EICHLER? 397 00:20:25,490 --> 00:20:35,601 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> WHAT UP, NEWBS. 398 00:20:35,667 --> 00:20:41,340 I'M ALL ABOUT PERCUSSIVE TE11 ME. 399 00:20:41,406 --> 00:20:50,148 I JUST SLAMMED YOU SO HARD, YOU'D NEVER UNDERSTAND. 400 00:20:50,215 --> 00:20:53,285 >> OH, MY GOD, THAT IS SO EGG ROLL. 401 00:20:53,352 --> 00:20:54,453 YOUNG PEOPLE, EVERYBODY. 402 00:20:54,519 --> 00:20:57,656 THEY MUST BE DESTROYED. 403 00:20:57,723 --> 00:20:59,858 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH CHRIS WALLACE. 404 00:21:15,741 --> 00:21:20,779 HEY EVERYBODY, WELCOME BACK TO THE LATE SHOW 405 00:21:20,846 --> 00:21:25,617 LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MY FIRST GUEST IS THE ANCHOR OF FOX NEWS 406 00:21:25,684 --> 00:21:28,954 SUNDAY AND AN AUTHOR WHOSE WRITTEN A NEW BOOK COUNTDOWN BIN 407 00:21:29,021 --> 00:21:31,123 LADEN. WELCOME BACK TO THE LATE SHOW 408 00:21:31,189 --> 00:21:44,970 CHRIS WALLACE. 409 00:21:45,037 --> 00:21:49,441 MY MAN HOW ARE YOU? 410 00:21:49,508 --> 00:21:55,547 THINGS GOT A LITTLE CRAZY LAST NIGHT. 411 00:21:55,614 --> 00:21:58,050 NEXT TIME I CAN SIT IN WITH THE BAND? 412 00:22:04,923 --> 00:22:05,791 NOW THEN 413 00:22:05,857 --> 00:22:09,428 SO, JON AND I WERE HANGING OUT LAST NIGHT? 414 00:22:09,494 --> 00:22:11,263 WHY WERE YOU HANGING OUT? 415 00:22:11,329 --> 00:22:14,266 YOU HAD FOUR EXCUSES, WE HAD FIVE EXCUSES. 416 00:22:14,332 --> 00:22:15,701 WHAT WERE YOU DOING? 417 00:22:15,767 --> 00:22:16,935 YOU KNOW WE WERE JAMMING? 418 00:22:17,002 --> 00:22:17,936 REALLY? 419 00:22:18,003 --> 00:22:19,604 WHAT DO YOU PLAY? 420 00:22:19,671 --> 00:22:23,942 ANY - I AM POLY INSTRUMENTAL 421 00:22:24,009 --> 00:22:26,178 THE MUSIC FLOWS THROUGH ME 422 00:22:26,244 --> 00:22:32,718 NOW, THE BOOK IS CALLED COUNTDOWN BIN LADEN 423 00:22:32,784 --> 00:22:38,957 THE BOOK IS ABOUT THE PLANNING TO GET BIN LADEN, ALL THE EVENTS 424 00:22:39,024 --> 00:22:40,092 LEADING UP TO IT 425 00:22:40,158 --> 00:22:42,394 AND THEN THE NIGHT OF. SORT OF THE DARING AND THE RISK 426 00:22:42,461 --> 00:22:44,463 ASSOCIATED WITH THAT. 427 00:22:44,529 --> 00:22:47,966 BEFORE WE GET INTO THAT WERE COMING UP ON THE 20TH 428 00:22:48,033 --> 00:22:51,670 ANNIVERSARY OF THE 9/11 ATTACKS THIS SATURDAY. 429 00:22:51,737 --> 00:22:55,307 AND WERE WATCHING THE RECENT WITHDRAW FROM AFGHANISTAN 430 00:22:55,373 --> 00:22:58,543 AND THE CHAOS THAT FALLS IN THE WAKE OF THE UNITED STATES 431 00:22:58,610 --> 00:23:03,215 LEAVING AND WE KNOW WHY BIN LADEN IS AN AVATAR OF EVIL FOR 432 00:23:03,281 --> 00:23:05,917 US AND WE KNOW WHY WE WENT INTO 433 00:23:05,984 --> 00:23:07,119 AFGHANISTAN 434 00:23:07,185 --> 00:23:10,822 THE SO-CALLED GOOD WAR BECAUSE THERE WAS A RATIONAL TO GOING, 435 00:23:10,889 --> 00:23:13,725 WHEREAS IRAQ WAS QUESTIONABLE 436 00:23:13,792 --> 00:23:17,562 2001 WE GO IN, THIS BOOK PICKS UP IN 2010 437 00:23:17,629 --> 00:23:21,700 JUST SET THE STAGE, WHAT WAS HAPPENING IN THOSE 9 YEARS WHERE 438 00:23:21,767 --> 00:23:25,570 WE WEREN'T GETTING BIN LADEN WHEN THAT WAS OUR MISSION TO 439 00:23:25,637 --> 00:23:27,139 BEGIN WITH 440 00:23:27,205 --> 00:23:33,545 WELL AFTER WE CAME IN 2001 AND OUSTED THE TALIBAN AND THE IDEA 441 00:23:33,612 --> 00:23:36,414 THAT THEY ARE IN CONTROL OF THE COUNTRY THAT THEY WERE IN 442 00:23:36,481 --> 00:23:38,950 CONTROL OF ON 9/11 443 00:23:39,017 --> 00:23:41,920 I THINK TO MOST AMERICANS IS JUST HORRIFYING. 444 00:23:41,987 --> 00:23:44,456 >> IT FEELS STRANGE TO SEE THAT HAPPENING. 445 00:23:44,523 --> 00:23:45,590 IT REALLY IS. 446 00:23:45,657 --> 00:23:48,160 IT'S DISHEARTENING TO SEE THAT HAPPENING. 447 00:23:48,226 --> 00:23:49,327 >> YOU BET. 448 00:23:49,394 --> 00:23:54,533 >> Stephen: I HAVE TO REMIND MYSELF, WE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING. 449 00:23:54,599 --> 00:23:56,168 WE HAD NO PLANS TO GO IN THERE. 450 00:23:56,234 --> 00:23:58,904 IT WAS ONLY TO GET AL QAEDA, BUT THEN WE WEREN'T GETTING THEM, 451 00:23:58,970 --> 00:24:02,374 AND YET, WE STAYED FOR THOSE NINE YEARS, LEADING UP TO THE 452 00:24:02,440 --> 00:24:04,009 BEGINNING OF YOUR BOOK. 453 00:24:04,075 --> 00:24:05,177 SO WHAT WAS HAPPENING? 454 00:24:05,243 --> 00:24:05,977 WHAT HAPPENED TO THE U.S. 455 00:24:06,044 --> 00:24:07,245 MISSION IN THERE? 456 00:24:07,312 --> 00:24:13,819 >> SO WE CHASED BIN LADEN AND WE END UP WE BELIEVE CORNERING IN A 457 00:24:13,885 --> 00:24:17,455 MOUNTAINOUS REGION RIGHT ON THE BORDER WITH PAKISTAN, CALLED 458 00:24:17,522 --> 00:24:18,156 TORAH BORA. 459 00:24:18,223 --> 00:24:19,958 AND WE PUT TROOPS IN THERE. 460 00:24:20,025 --> 00:24:23,962 AND WE THINK WE HAVE THEM CORNERED IN THE CAVE, AND HE 461 00:24:24,029 --> 00:24:26,298 DISAPPEARS. 462 00:24:26,364 --> 00:24:30,702 >> Stephen: DID WE TAKE OUR EYE OFF THE BALL, OR-- 463 00:24:30,769 --> 00:24:32,437 >> HE JUST GOT OUT. 464 00:24:32,504 --> 00:24:35,040 WE DIDN'T SEND ENOUGH TROOPS IN, IN THE FIRST PLACE, AND THERE 465 00:24:35,106 --> 00:24:37,843 WAS A BIG FIGHT WITH THE PENTAGON AS TO WHETHER WE NEEDED 466 00:24:37,909 --> 00:24:39,144 MORE TROOPS ON THE GROUND. 467 00:24:39,211 --> 00:24:40,846 BUT SOMEHOW HE WAS ABLE TO GET OUT. 468 00:24:40,912 --> 00:24:45,050 HE ESCAPED INTO PAKISTAN AND DID THIS MOUNTAINOUS TRIBAL AREA, 469 00:24:45,116 --> 00:24:47,552 AND BASICALLY, THE TRAIL GOES COLD FOR NINE YEARS. 470 00:24:47,619 --> 00:24:52,624 AND THE GENERAL BELIEF, ABOUT TWO MONTHS BEFORE MY BOOK 471 00:24:52,691 --> 00:24:56,828 STARTS, LEON PANETTA, THEN THE DIRECTOR OF THE C.I.A., IS 472 00:24:56,895 --> 00:24:58,797 INTERVIEWED, AND THEY SAY, "WHERE IS HE?" 473 00:24:58,864 --> 00:25:03,535 AND HE SAID, "WE THINK HE'S IN THIS TRIBAL AREA, WILD, REMOTE, 474 00:25:03,602 --> 00:25:06,338 MOUNTAINOUS, CAVES, BETWEEN AFGHANISTAN AND PAKISTAN." 475 00:25:06,404 --> 00:25:09,808 AND IT TURNS OUT EVERYTHING WE THOUGHT WAS COMPLETELY WRONG. 476 00:25:09,875 --> 00:25:12,277 >> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE A LITTLE BIT OF A BREAK. 477 00:25:12,344 --> 00:25:16,314 BUT STICK AROUND WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE CHRIS WALLACE. 478 00:25:24,623 --> 00:25:27,626 >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY, WE'RE BACK WITH THE AUTHOR OF 479 00:25:27,692 --> 00:25:32,130 "COUNTDOWN BIN LADEN," HOST OF "FOX NEWS SUNDAY," CHRIS 480 00:25:32,197 --> 00:25:32,998 WALLACE. 481 00:25:33,064 --> 00:25:36,401 CHRIS, YOU HAVE INTERVIEWED KEY PLAYERS. 482 00:25:36,468 --> 00:25:38,737 I'VE GOT, YOU KNOW, A NICE VISUAL AID HERE. 483 00:25:38,803 --> 00:25:41,907 YOU HAVE INTERVIEWED MANY OF THE PEOPLE IN THIS FAMOUS PHOTO OF 484 00:25:41,973 --> 00:25:43,808 THE NIGHT THEY GOT BIN LADEN. 485 00:25:43,875 --> 00:25:48,246 SECRETARY CLINTON, SECRETARY OF DEFENSE GATES, C.I.A. DIRECTOR 486 00:25:48,313 --> 00:25:51,616 PANETTA, ADMIRAL McRAVEN WHO WAS IN CHARGE OF THE ACTUAL 487 00:25:51,683 --> 00:25:54,352 ATTACK, BUT IS NOT IN THIS PHOTOGRAPH. 488 00:25:54,419 --> 00:25:57,989 >> HE IS IN JALALABAD, AFGHANISTAN. 489 00:25:58,056 --> 00:26:00,792 >> Stephen: AND SEAL TEAM 6 MEMBERS. 490 00:26:00,859 --> 00:26:03,695 WHAT SURPRISED YOU ABOUT THIS THAT YOU DIDN'T KNOW, BECAUSE SO 491 00:26:03,762 --> 00:26:04,229 MUCH HAS BEEN WRITTEN. 492 00:26:04,296 --> 00:26:07,399 >> I THINK TWO THINGS. 493 00:26:07,465 --> 00:26:13,171 FIRST OF ALL, THE MAN WHO KILLED BIN LADEN, WAS A NAVY SEAL, SEAL 494 00:26:13,238 --> 00:26:14,839 TEAM 6, ROB O'NEILL. 495 00:26:14,906 --> 00:26:16,007 HE. 496 00:26:16,074 --> 00:26:18,043 THE ONE WHO WENT UP TO THE THIRD FLOOR, GOES INTO THE ROOM. 497 00:26:18,109 --> 00:26:21,046 BIN LADEN TAKES ONE OF HIS THREE WIVES WHO WERE IN THE HOUSE-- 498 00:26:21,112 --> 00:26:23,982 THAT IS AN INTERESTING RELATIONSHIP RIGHT THERE-- HOLDS 499 00:26:24,049 --> 00:26:27,786 HER IN FRONT OF HIM, AND HE SHOOT THREE TIMES IN THE HEAD. 500 00:26:27,852 --> 00:26:30,622 AND I SAID TO HIM, "HOW DANGEROUS DID YOU THINK THIS 501 00:26:30,689 --> 00:26:33,591 MISSION WAS?" AND HE SAID, "ONE-WAY TICKET." 502 00:26:33,658 --> 00:26:36,828 AND I SAID, "WHAT DO YOU MEAN?" "SUICIDE MISSION. 503 00:26:36,895 --> 00:26:44,269 THERE IS NO WAY IF BIN LADEN IS IN THE COMPOUND, IT ISN'T BOOBY 504 00:26:44,336 --> 00:26:46,438 TRAPPED BY THE TIME WE GO IN THERE. 505 00:26:46,504 --> 00:26:48,039 WE'LL BE BLOWN UP. 506 00:26:48,106 --> 00:26:52,043 IF THAT DOESN'T HAPPEN BY THE TIME WE GO UP IN THIS 507 00:26:52,110 --> 00:26:55,213 THREE-STORY VILLA, IF BIN LADEN IS THERE, THEY'LL HAVE BODY 508 00:26:55,280 --> 00:26:55,981 GUARDS. 509 00:26:56,047 --> 00:26:57,482 THEY'LL COME AT US AND ATTACK US. 510 00:26:57,549 --> 00:27:00,485 WE MAY GET BIN LADEN BUT WE AREN'T GETTING BACK HOME." 511 00:27:00,552 --> 00:27:01,653 THAT WAS THE ONE THING. 512 00:27:01,720 --> 00:27:05,156 THE SECOND THING IS WHEN OBAMA MADE THE DECISION ON FRIDAY 513 00:27:05,223 --> 00:27:09,361 APRIL 29, IT IS NO MORE THAN A 50-50 PROPOSITION THAT BIN LADEN 514 00:27:09,427 --> 00:27:11,062 IS EVEN THERE. 515 00:27:11,129 --> 00:27:12,697 WELL, THAT WAS -- >> Stephen: THAT WAS 10 YEARS 516 00:27:12,764 --> 00:27:13,031 AGO. 517 00:27:13,098 --> 00:27:14,032 >> RIGHT. 518 00:27:14,099 --> 00:27:15,900 >> Stephen: THAT'S 2011, IN THE SPRING OF 2011. 519 00:27:15,967 --> 00:27:20,772 IT'S 10 YEARS BEFORE THE TRUMP ADMINISTRATION MAKES THE 520 00:27:20,839 --> 00:27:24,009 AGREEMENT WITH THE TALIBAN, AND THE BIDEN ADMINISTRATION FOLLOWS 521 00:27:24,075 --> 00:27:27,012 UP ON THAT AND PULLS US OUT OF AFGHANISTAN. 522 00:27:27,078 --> 00:27:28,013 WHAT HAPPENS NOW? 523 00:27:28,079 --> 00:27:30,281 I KNOW YOU'RE NOT IN THE STATE DEPARTMENT OR THE 524 00:27:30,348 --> 00:27:32,417 ADMINISTRATION, BUT HOW-- WHAT WILL DETERMINE THE U.S. 525 00:27:32,484 --> 00:27:34,753 RELATIONSHIP WITH THE TALIBAN NOW? 526 00:27:34,819 --> 00:27:38,556 BECAUSE THEY'VE PUT IN PEOPLE THERE THAT ARE ON THE F.B.I.'S 527 00:27:38,623 --> 00:27:39,057 MOST-WANTED LIST. 528 00:27:39,124 --> 00:27:40,258 >> THAT'S RIGHT. 529 00:27:40,325 --> 00:27:43,094 ONE OF THE GUYS WHO I THINK IS THE HEAD OF THE SECURITY HAS A 530 00:27:43,161 --> 00:27:44,662 $10 MILLION BOUNTY FROM THE STATE DEPARTMENT. 531 00:27:44,729 --> 00:27:46,364 SO THERE'S ALL THIS TALK ABOUT -- 532 00:27:46,431 --> 00:27:49,367 >> Stephen: DO YOU INVITE HIM TO A STATE DINNER AND JUST LOCK 533 00:27:49,434 --> 00:27:50,802 THE DOOR WHEN HE COMES IN? 534 00:27:50,869 --> 00:27:53,238 >> YOU CERTAINLY DON'T BRENG OUT THE GOOD SILVER. 535 00:27:53,304 --> 00:27:54,406 THERE'S NO QUESTION ABOUT THAT. 536 00:27:54,472 --> 00:27:56,875 YOU KNOW, I THINK WE'RE NOT GOING TO HAVE A GREAT WORKING 537 00:27:56,941 --> 00:27:59,811 RELATIONSHIP, BUT WE KIND OF NEED THEM BECAUSE WE'VE GOT AT 538 00:27:59,878 --> 00:28:01,780 LEAST 100 AMERICANS STILL THERE. 539 00:28:01,846 --> 00:28:06,184 WE'VE GOT TENS OF THOUSANDS OF AFGHAN ALLIES, THE DRIVERS, THE 540 00:28:06,251 --> 00:28:10,522 TRANSLATORS, THE COOKS WHO STOOD UP FOR US AND NOW THEIR LIVES 541 00:28:10,588 --> 00:28:11,689 ARE IN RISK. 542 00:28:11,756 --> 00:28:14,459 I THINK IT WILL BE A KIND OF "ARE YOU GOING TO COME THROUGH 543 00:28:14,526 --> 00:28:16,327 OR NOT?" I DON'T THINK ANYBODY IN 544 00:28:16,394 --> 00:28:17,429 WASHINGTON TRUSTS THEM. 545 00:28:17,495 --> 00:28:21,266 AND I DON'T THINK THEY'RE ESPECIALLY OPTIMISTIC ABOUT 546 00:28:21,332 --> 00:28:22,100 THIS. 547 00:28:22,167 --> 00:28:24,269 BUT IF THEY -- >> Stephen: WE DO HAVE A 548 00:28:24,335 --> 00:28:24,702 COMMON ENEMY. 549 00:28:24,769 --> 00:28:25,770 >> PARDON. 550 00:28:25,837 --> 00:28:29,207 >> Stephen: WE DO HAVE A COMMON ENEMY, WHICH IS ISIS. 551 00:28:29,274 --> 00:28:30,742 THE TALIBAN HATES ISIS. 552 00:28:30,809 --> 00:28:34,112 AND ISIS JUST EXECUTED THAT ATTACK AGAINST THE PEOPLE AT THE 553 00:28:34,179 --> 00:28:36,915 AIRPORT 10, 12 DAYS AGO. 554 00:28:36,981 --> 00:28:38,149 >> RIGHT. 555 00:28:38,216 --> 00:28:39,918 >> Stephen: DO YOU THINK THERE WILL BE ANY COOPERATION BETWEEN 556 00:28:39,984 --> 00:28:43,354 THE UNITED STATES AND THE TALIBAN, WHERE WE SAY, "HEY, YOU 557 00:28:43,421 --> 00:28:46,324 HELP US GET THE REST OF THE PEOPLE OUT THERE, YOU HELP US 558 00:28:46,391 --> 00:28:48,359 KILL ISIS?" HAVE YOU HEARD ANYTHING LIKE, 559 00:28:48,426 --> 00:28:51,362 THAT OR AM I JUST COOKING UP A PLAN RIGHT NOW? 560 00:28:51,429 --> 00:28:52,130 ( LAUGHTER ). 561 00:28:52,197 --> 00:28:53,531 >> I MEAN, THERE'S TALK ABOUT IT. 562 00:28:53,598 --> 00:28:55,467 I DON'T KNOW WHETHER IT'S ACTUALLY GOING TO HAPPEN. 563 00:28:55,533 --> 00:28:59,104 AND I DON'T THINK-- IF YOU WERE TO ASK SECRETARY OF STATE 564 00:28:59,170 --> 00:29:01,773 BLINKEN IF HE WERE SITTING HERE HE WOULD SAY I DON'T KNOW 565 00:29:01,840 --> 00:29:05,910 BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW WHO THESE GUYS ARE GOING TO BE. 566 00:29:05,977 --> 00:29:08,179 THERE IS TALK OF THE KINDER, GENTLER TALIBAN. 567 00:29:08,246 --> 00:29:11,216 WE HAVE FROZEN BILLIONS OF DOLLARS IN THEIR ASSETS. 568 00:29:11,282 --> 00:29:12,750 WE NEED THEM TO GET THE AMERICANS OUT. 569 00:29:12,817 --> 00:29:15,420 WE CERTAINLY WANT THEM TO HELP US FIGHT TERRORISM. 570 00:29:15,487 --> 00:29:16,488 THEY WOULD LIKE MONEY FROM US. 571 00:29:16,554 --> 00:29:18,456 IN A RATIONAL WORLD, YOU CAN MAKE A DEAL. 572 00:29:18,523 --> 00:29:20,325 THIS IS THE TALIBAN. 573 00:29:20,391 --> 00:29:22,160 >> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE A QUICK BREAK. 574 00:29:22,227 --> 00:29:23,428 STICK AROUND. 575 00:29:23,495 --> 00:29:25,363 WHEN WE COME BACK, I'M GOING TO ASK CHRIS HOW HE FEELS ABOUT HIS 576 00:29:25,430 --> 00:29:29,567 SHOW AND SHOWS LIKE HIS HAVING ON PEOPLE WHO DENY BIDEN WAS 577 00:29:29,634 --> 00:29:30,368 DULY ELECTED. 578 00:29:30,435 --> 00:29:31,503 HE HAS A GOOD ANSWER. 579 00:29:31,569 --> 00:29:32,637 YOU HAVE A GOOD ANSWER. 580 00:29:51,289 --> 00:29:56,561 THE AUTHOR OF "COUNTDOWN BIN LADEN," HOST OF "FOX NEWS 581 00:29:56,628 --> 00:29:58,963 SUNDAY," CHRIS WALLACE. 582 00:29:59,030 --> 00:30:05,603 I'M WONDERING WHETHER YOU AND YOUR FELLOW "SUNDAY MORNING" 583 00:30:05,670 --> 00:30:09,474 GUYS OUT THERE WHO ARE DOING THE SUNDAY SHOWS TALKING ABOUT THE 584 00:30:09,541 --> 00:30:13,311 WEEK, IF YOU EVER FEEL LIKE YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE ON PEOPLE WHO 585 00:30:13,378 --> 00:30:17,515 HAVE THE IRRATIONAL BELIEF THAT THE LAST ELECTION WAS STOLEN. 586 00:30:17,582 --> 00:30:21,052 THE PEOPLE WHO ARE CYNICALLY-- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 587 00:30:21,119 --> 00:30:23,555 AND I KNOW YOU'VE HELD THESE GUYS FEET TO THE FIRE. 588 00:30:23,621 --> 00:30:29,093 I'M NOT-- I DON'T WANT TO SUGGEST THAT YOU HAVEN'T PUSHED 589 00:30:29,160 --> 00:30:29,694 BACK. 590 00:30:29,761 --> 00:30:30,962 YOU HAVE, QUITE FAMOUSLY. 591 00:30:31,029 --> 00:30:36,701 BUT HAVE YOU EVER SEEN ANYTHING SO CYNICAL IN WASHINGTON, D.C., 592 00:30:36,768 --> 00:30:41,306 THAN THIS KNOWLEDGEABLE-- PEOPLE SAYING THINGS THEY KNOW AREN'T 593 00:30:41,372 --> 00:30:44,909 TRUE, THAT THEY KNOW HAS TO HAVE LASTING DAMAGE ON OUR DEMOCRACY 594 00:30:44,976 --> 00:30:47,278 COMING ON TV AND SAYING THESE THNGS WITH A STRAIGHT FACE? 595 00:30:47,345 --> 00:30:49,347 >> I HAVE NEVER SEEN THIS. 596 00:30:49,414 --> 00:30:52,650 I'VE SEEN A LOT OF-- I'VE BEEN IN WASHINGTON 40 YEARS, SO I'VE 597 00:30:52,717 --> 00:30:56,487 SEEN A LOT OF BAD STUFF, BUT NOTHING LIKE THIS, WHERE-- AND, 598 00:30:56,554 --> 00:31:01,159 YOU KNOW, SOMEONE WOULD SAY TO ME, "WELL, ARE THEY DELUSIONAL?" 599 00:31:01,226 --> 00:31:02,527 MAYBE SOME OF THEM ARE. 600 00:31:02,594 --> 00:31:05,296 WHAT'S WORSE, I THINK MORE OF THEM HAVE CYNICALLY DECIDED 601 00:31:05,363 --> 00:31:08,766 BECAUSE OF THE TRUMP BASE, BECAUSE THEY DON'T WANT TO GET 602 00:31:08,833 --> 00:31:11,002 CROSSWISE WITH THE FORMER PRESIDENT, THEY'RE GOING TO SAY 603 00:31:11,069 --> 00:31:12,904 SOMETHING THEY KNOW IS NOT TRUE. 604 00:31:12,971 --> 00:31:15,907 NOW, I DON'T BELIEVE THAT YOU JUSTICE SIT THERE AND SAY, "I'M 605 00:31:15,974 --> 00:31:17,208 NOT GOING TO HAVE THEM ON." 606 00:31:17,275 --> 00:31:20,645 BUT IF I'M GOING TO HAVE THEM ON, I'M GOING TO HOLD THEM TO 607 00:31:20,712 --> 00:31:24,249 ACCOUNT OVER AND OVER ABOUT, YOU KNOW, WHAT ABOUT-- WHAT ABOUT 608 00:31:24,315 --> 00:31:25,817 THIS ELECTION? 609 00:31:25,883 --> 00:31:30,588 WHAT ABOUT-- YOU KNOW, IS-- I'VE SAID THIS TO MANY OF THEM-- "IS 610 00:31:30,655 --> 00:31:33,625 JOE BIDEN THE DULY ELECTED PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES?" 611 00:31:33,691 --> 00:31:35,793 AND THEY'LL SAY, "WELL, HE'S THE PRESIDENT." 612 00:31:35,860 --> 00:31:38,763 AND I SAID, "NO, NO, WAS HE ELECTED FAIR AND SQUARE?" 613 00:31:38,830 --> 00:31:41,065 WE GO BACK ON THIS AND I DON'T LET IT PASS. 614 00:31:41,132 --> 00:31:42,233 I THINK -- >> Stephen: IS THAT PART OF 615 00:31:42,300 --> 00:31:45,069 THE VETTING PROCESS, YOU SAY, "YOU SHOULD JUST KNOW IF YOU 616 00:31:45,136 --> 00:31:49,674 BRING UP ANY OF THAT GARBAGE, CHRIS WILL CALL YOU." 617 00:31:49,741 --> 00:31:52,243 >> WE DON'T PREPARE IT, THEY KNOW ME. 618 00:31:52,310 --> 00:31:54,479 THEY KNOW I'M GOING TO BE LIKE THAT. 619 00:31:54,545 --> 00:31:57,515 JANUARY 6 IS ONE OF THE WORST DAYS-- I COVERED CONGRESS FOR 620 00:31:57,582 --> 00:31:59,851 SEVERAL YEARS WHEN I FIRST CAME TO WASHINGTON IN 1978, AND AS 621 00:31:59,917 --> 00:32:02,854 I'M SITTING THERE LIVE WATCHING IT ON TELEVISION AND SEEING THIS 622 00:32:02,920 --> 00:32:08,393 MOB COMING TO THE CATHEDRAL OF OUR DEMOCRACY AND SITTING IN THE 623 00:32:08,459 --> 00:32:10,795 CHAIR THAT THE PRESIDENT OF THE SENATE SITS IN AND, YOU KNOW, 624 00:32:10,862 --> 00:32:16,401 RUNNING AROUND THE ROTUNDA, I WAS SICKENED. 625 00:32:16,467 --> 00:32:18,403 >> Stephen: BECAUSE OUR DEMOCRACY ITSELF-- 626 00:32:18,469 --> 00:32:19,937 ( APPLAUSE ) I WAS, TOO. 627 00:32:20,004 --> 00:32:23,574 AND THE THING-- THE THING I WAS REMINDED OF IN THAT MOMENT IS 628 00:32:23,641 --> 00:32:27,645 THAT OUR DEMOCRACY ITSELF IS ACTUALLY MORE IMPORTANT THAN ANY 629 00:32:27,712 --> 00:32:30,114 IDEA LIFE, AND THAT'S WHY MEN LIKE THIS RISK THEIR LIVES IN 630 00:32:30,181 --> 00:32:31,482 ORDER TO PROTECT OUR COUNTRY. 631 00:32:31,549 --> 00:32:36,487 BECAUSE THEY SEE SOMETHING MORE IMPORTANT THAN THEIRSELVES AND 632 00:32:36,554 --> 00:32:39,223 THAT IS OUR COLLECTIVE ABILITY TO MAKE OUR DECISIONS WITH EACH 633 00:32:39,290 --> 00:32:41,592 OTHER IN A RATIONAL AND PEACEFUL WAY. 634 00:32:41,659 --> 00:32:44,862 WHICH I THINK DISQUALIFIES ANYBODY FROM BEING IN THE PUBLIC 635 00:32:44,929 --> 00:32:49,033 SPHERE IF THEY'RE NOT WILLING TO STAND UP FOR THAT TRUTH. 636 00:32:49,100 --> 00:32:53,271 AND THE LEGITIMACY THAT'S GIVEN TO PEOPLE BY COMING ON ANY OF 637 00:32:53,338 --> 00:32:56,207 THE SUNDAY SHOWS WHO ARE WILLING TO PROMULGATE THAT LIE IS 638 00:32:56,274 --> 00:32:57,809 ACTUALLY OF SOME VALUE TO THEM. 639 00:32:57,875 --> 00:33:01,446 DOES IT WORRY THAT YOU GIVE LEGITIMACY TO PEOPLE WHO HAVE 640 00:33:01,512 --> 00:33:02,880 ABDICATED ALL PUBLIC RESPONSIBILITY? 641 00:33:02,947 --> 00:33:07,552 >> WELL, THERE ARE PLENTY OF PEOPLE WHO, YOU KNOW, WERE OTHER 642 00:33:07,618 --> 00:33:11,522 LEADERS OF-- IN THE CONGRESS-- OFCHALLENGING IT THAT I JUST 643 00:33:11,589 --> 00:33:14,859 HAVE NOT HAD ON THE SHOW EVER SINCE THEN. 644 00:33:14,926 --> 00:33:19,063 AND HAVE PURPOSELY NOT HAD THEM ON THE SHOW BECAUSE I FRANKLY 645 00:33:19,130 --> 00:33:20,932 DON'T WANT TO HEAR THEIR CRIME. 646 00:33:20,998 --> 00:33:23,868 BUT HAVING SAID THAT-- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 647 00:33:23,935 --> 00:33:26,704 BUT HAVING SAID THAT, THERE ARE SOME LEADERS THAT, YOU KNOW, YOU 648 00:33:26,771 --> 00:33:29,140 HAVE TO DO-- YOU HAVE TO ASK THEM QUESTIONS. 649 00:33:29,207 --> 00:33:31,342 THEY'RE PEOPLE IN LEADERSHIP IN THE SENATE. 650 00:33:31,409 --> 00:33:35,146 BUT I WON'T LET THEM COME ON WITHOUT PUTTING THEM THROUGH THE 651 00:33:35,213 --> 00:33:37,515 WRINGER >> Stephen: "COUNTDOWN BIN 652 00:33:37,582 --> 00:33:38,850 LADEN" IS AVAILABLE NOW. 653 00:33:38,916 --> 00:33:39,884 THE MAN IS CHRIS WALLACE. 654 00:33:39,951 --> 00:33:40,952 THANK YOU, CHRIS. 655 00:33:41,018 --> 00:33:43,354 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH ACTRESS HOLLAND TAYLOR. 656 00:33:59,270 --> 00:34:00,037 ♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY! 657 00:34:00,104 --> 00:34:04,509 WELCOME BACK TO THE SHOW! 658 00:34:04,575 --> 00:34:09,914 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) MY NEXT GUEST IS AN EMMY AWARD- 659 00:34:09,981 --> 00:34:11,849 WINNING ACTRESS YOU KNOW FROM "THE PRACTICE," "LEGALLY 660 00:34:11,916 --> 00:34:13,584 BLONDE," AND "TWO AND A HALF MEN." 661 00:34:13,651 --> 00:34:15,686 HER LATEST SHOW IS "THE CHAIR." 662 00:34:15,753 --> 00:34:18,589 >> I WAS ABLE TO DO THAT THING WE TALKED ABOUT. 663 00:34:18,656 --> 00:34:21,125 >> I DIDN'T THINK YOU WERE REALLY-- I WAS JOKING. 664 00:34:21,192 --> 00:34:24,495 >> I THOUGHT YOU WERE JUST PRETENDING TO JOKE BUT WERE 665 00:34:24,562 --> 00:34:25,496 ACTUALLY SERIOUS. 666 00:34:25,563 --> 00:34:30,868 >> GOOD THING I DIDN'T JOKE YOU SHOULD KILL HIM. 667 00:34:30,935 --> 00:34:32,170 SO, YOU TRACKED HIM DOWN. 668 00:34:32,236 --> 00:34:33,604 >> WELL, NOT EXACTLY. 669 00:34:33,671 --> 00:34:36,874 BUT I WAS ABLE TO HACK INTO THE "RATE MY PROFESSOR" WEB SITE. 670 00:34:36,941 --> 00:34:38,810 >> HACK? 671 00:34:38,876 --> 00:34:45,483 NO, I CAN'T BE EVEN TANGENTIALLY CONNECTED TO IMPROPER CONDUCT OR 672 00:34:45,550 --> 00:34:45,983 ILLEGAL. 673 00:34:46,050 --> 00:34:46,284 >> YOU WANT TO KNOW? 674 00:34:46,350 --> 00:34:47,518 >> YES. 675 00:34:47,585 --> 00:34:50,388 >> IT WAS POSTED TWICE FROM THE HUMANITIES LIBRARY, BOTH TIMES 676 00:34:50,455 --> 00:34:52,123 BETWEEN 5:00 P.M. AND 6:00 P.M. 677 00:34:52,190 --> 00:34:54,592 >> CLASS 223. 678 00:34:54,659 --> 00:34:56,527 >> NO. 679 00:34:56,594 --> 00:34:59,931 >> IF HE POSTS AGAIN AND SAYS WE WERE AT THE LIBRARY. 680 00:34:59,997 --> 00:35:02,166 >> YEAH, YOU'D HAVE TO RECOGNIZE THE GUY. 681 00:35:02,233 --> 00:35:04,035 >> THAT SHOULDN'T BE TOO HARD. 682 00:35:04,101 --> 00:35:06,571 >> WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO IF YOU CATCH HIM? 683 00:35:06,637 --> 00:35:10,908 >> DESTROY HIM, JONES SAID JOKINGLY, WHEN THAT'S EXACTLY 684 00:35:10,975 --> 00:35:15,613 WHAT SHE WAS PLANNING TO DO. 685 00:35:15,680 --> 00:35:16,547 ( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: PLEASE WELCOME TO 686 00:35:16,614 --> 00:35:19,617 "THE LATE SHOW," HOLLAND TAYLOR. 687 00:35:19,684 --> 00:35:29,660 ♪ ♪ ♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 688 00:35:29,727 --> 00:35:39,403 ♪ ♪ ♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 689 00:35:39,470 --> 00:35:45,776 ♪ ♪ ♪ >> WOW. 690 00:35:45,843 --> 00:35:48,779 >> Stephen: LOVELY-- LOVELY TO MEET YOU. 691 00:35:48,846 --> 00:35:51,749 I KNOW YOU'VE BEEN HERE BEFORE, BUT IT WAS BACKSTAGE WHEN YOUR 692 00:35:51,816 --> 00:35:53,451 PARTNER, SARAH PAULSON, HAS BEEN ON. 693 00:35:53,518 --> 00:35:54,819 I HAVEN'T HAD A CHANCE TO MEET YOU YET. 694 00:35:54,886 --> 00:35:56,687 >> YOU'RE SO MUCH A PART OF MY LIFE. 695 00:35:56,754 --> 00:35:59,524 I MEAN, I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT WE HAVEN'T SAT AND TALKED THIS WAY 696 00:35:59,590 --> 00:35:59,991 BEFORE. 697 00:36:00,057 --> 00:36:00,725 >> Stephen: HELLO. 698 00:36:00,791 --> 00:36:01,893 HELLO. 699 00:36:01,959 --> 00:36:04,161 >> IN FACT I WANT TO PINCH MYSELF, EXCEPT I THINK IT WOULD 700 00:36:04,228 --> 00:36:06,063 BE BETTER TO PINCH YOU. 701 00:36:06,130 --> 00:36:07,698 >> Stephen: THAT'S VERY NICE. 702 00:36:07,765 --> 00:36:10,701 CONGRATULATIONS ON THE NEW SHOW, "THE CHAIR." 703 00:36:10,768 --> 00:36:15,339 WE CAN AMANDA PEET THE PRODUCER ON RECENTLY. 704 00:36:15,406 --> 00:36:18,709 YOU PLAY-- AND I HAVE A GLAM SHOT OF YOU HERE AS YOUR 705 00:36:18,776 --> 00:36:20,578 CHARACTER-- PROFESSOR JOAN HAMBLING. 706 00:36:20,645 --> 00:36:25,883 THERE YOU GO, LOOKING RED CARPET READY. 707 00:36:25,950 --> 00:36:26,450 READY. 708 00:36:26,517 --> 00:36:26,817 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ). 709 00:36:26,884 --> 00:36:27,184 RIGHT THERE. 710 00:36:27,251 --> 00:36:28,386 >> COME ON. 711 00:36:28,452 --> 00:36:30,555 >> Stephen: THAT'S AN ACCURATE PROFESSOR LOOK, I HAVE TO SAY. 712 00:36:30,621 --> 00:36:31,722 >> I THINK SO, I THINK SO. 713 00:36:31,789 --> 00:36:33,291 >> Stephen: IS THIS BASED ON ANYONE? 714 00:36:33,357 --> 00:36:36,260 I BASED HER BEHAVIOR AND HER LOOK ON SOMEONE, NOT HER 715 00:36:36,327 --> 00:36:39,163 CHARACTER SO MUCH. 716 00:36:39,230 --> 00:36:42,366 THE LAND LADY, WHEN I FIRST CAME TO NEW YORK, I HAD THE TOP FLOOR 717 00:36:42,433 --> 00:36:44,268 OF A LITTLE HOUSE IN THE VILLAGE. 718 00:36:44,335 --> 00:36:48,039 AND THIS WOMAN WHO WAS A GREEK SCHOLAR, AN AMERICAN WHO WAS A 719 00:36:48,105 --> 00:36:50,975 GREEK SCHOLAR AND A POET, LIVED IN THE FIRST FLOOR. 720 00:36:51,042 --> 00:36:53,210 AND SHE LOOKED LIKE THAT. 721 00:36:53,277 --> 00:36:56,213 SHE-- HER CLOTHES WERE ALWAYS SORT OF HALF FALLING OFF HER, 722 00:36:56,280 --> 00:36:59,617 BECAUSE AS SHE WAS ZIPPING UP HER SKIRT, SHE'D GET AN IDEA, 723 00:36:59,684 --> 00:37:02,119 AND SHE'D HAVE TO GO, YOU KNOW, LOOK AT HER BOOK. 724 00:37:02,186 --> 00:37:05,656 AND THEN SHE'D GO ABOUT HER DAY WITH HER SKIRT, LIKE, HALFWAY 725 00:37:05,723 --> 00:37:07,758 DOWN HER-- YOU KNOW. 726 00:37:07,825 --> 00:37:10,561 BY NIGHT TIME IT'S ON HER ANKLE'S, YOU KNOW. 727 00:37:10,628 --> 00:37:13,331 SHE JUST WAS SORT OF UNPLUGGED FROM THE NORMAL THINGS THAT 728 00:37:13,397 --> 00:37:15,266 WE'RE ALL VERY CONCERNED ABOUT, WHAT WE LOOK LIKE. 729 00:37:15,333 --> 00:37:21,138 HER HAIR WAS JUST-- YOU KNOW, SHE CUT IT HERSELF SOMETIMES. 730 00:37:21,205 --> 00:37:25,509 BECAUSE SHE WAS REALLY IN HER-- IN HER MIND, AND SHE WAS 731 00:37:25,576 --> 00:37:27,778 WONDERFUL, WONDERFUL, FABULOUS WOMAN. 732 00:37:27,845 --> 00:37:30,481 BUT SHE DID NOT CARE FOR THINGS, CLOTHES, EATING. 733 00:37:30,548 --> 00:37:33,951 I GUESS SHE ATE ONCE IN A WHILE, LITTLE CHICKEN WING S. 734 00:37:34,018 --> 00:37:36,487 >> Stephen: AND THIS WAS YOUR FIRST LAND LADY IN NEW YORK. 735 00:37:36,554 --> 00:37:39,624 >> THAT WAS MY FIRST LANDLADY. 736 00:37:39,690 --> 00:37:41,759 >> Stephen: WHEN WERE YOU? 737 00:37:41,826 --> 00:37:42,994 >> 47 McDOUGALL STREET. 738 00:37:43,060 --> 00:37:45,363 I LIVED THERE FOR YEARS, ACTUALLY. 739 00:37:45,429 --> 00:37:46,998 >> Stephen: WHAT WAS THAT LIKE? 740 00:37:47,064 --> 00:37:48,566 WHERE DID YOU COME FROM? 741 00:37:48,633 --> 00:37:52,937 >> I HAD BEEN IN COLLEGE IN VERMONT, BENNINGTON, VERMONT. 742 00:37:53,004 --> 00:37:55,740 I GREW UP IN PHILADELPHIA, JUST OUTSIDE PHILADELPHIA. 743 00:37:55,806 --> 00:37:59,110 ( APPLAUSE ) YEAH, IT'S A GREAT TOWN. 744 00:37:59,176 --> 00:38:01,212 IT REALLY IS THE CITY OF BROTHERLY LOVE. 745 00:38:01,278 --> 00:38:03,414 >> Stephen: DID YOU EVER THINK OF BEING A PROFESSOR YOURSELF? 746 00:38:03,481 --> 00:38:03,914 >> NO. 747 00:38:03,981 --> 00:38:05,082 >> Stephen: NO, NO. 748 00:38:05,149 --> 00:38:07,151 IF YOU WERE TO BE A PROFESSOR, WHAT WOULD YOU WANT TO BE A 749 00:38:07,218 --> 00:38:08,386 PROFESSOR OF? 750 00:38:08,452 --> 00:38:15,926 >> IF I ACTUALLY WERE TO TEACH SOMETHING PI, I HAD A GREAT TEAC 751 00:38:15,993 --> 00:38:21,699 OF ACTING, STELLA EDULAR, AND I PROBABLY WOULD TEACH ACTING. 752 00:38:21,766 --> 00:38:23,167 >> Stephen: HAVE YOU TAUGHT ACTING? 753 00:38:23,234 --> 00:38:25,202 >> I DID A COUPLE OF TIMES. 754 00:38:25,269 --> 00:38:27,605 I WOULD TEACH WHAT SHE TAUGHT ME. 755 00:38:27,672 --> 00:38:30,975 STHEFS A GREAT TEACHER, INTELLECTUAL AND STAR, GREAT 756 00:38:31,042 --> 00:38:32,109 PERSONALITY. 757 00:38:32,176 --> 00:38:33,811 AND SHE REALLY HAD A TECHNIQUE, AND I WOULD TEACH THAT. 758 00:38:33,878 --> 00:38:38,015 BUT, YOU KNOW, I WOULD HAVE TO BE IN SOME WAY PREVENTED FROM 759 00:38:38,082 --> 00:38:39,216 ACTING. 760 00:38:39,283 --> 00:38:40,584 >> Stephen: IT'S A ROLL IN THE BONES WITH YOUR LIFE A LITTLE 761 00:38:40,651 --> 00:38:43,688 BIT TO GO INTO THE ARTS, BECAUSE IT'S HARD TO GET A GIG. 762 00:38:43,754 --> 00:38:47,591 WHEN DID YOU GO-- WHEN DID YOU THINK I WANT TO TAKE THAT-- I 763 00:38:47,658 --> 00:38:48,559 WANT TO TAKE THAT JOURNEY? 764 00:38:48,626 --> 00:38:50,461 >> I THINK WHEN YOU'RE 12 YOU DON'T KNOW THAT. 765 00:38:50,528 --> 00:38:51,495 >> Stephen: 12, THAT YOUNG. 766 00:38:51,562 --> 00:38:53,097 >> WHEN YOU'RE 12 OR 13. 767 00:38:53,164 --> 00:38:55,066 THAT'S WHEN WE GOT A TELEVISION SET. 768 00:38:55,132 --> 00:38:55,700 EVERYBODY ELSE HAD ONE. 769 00:38:55,766 --> 00:38:57,568 THIS IS LONG AGO, CHILDREN. 770 00:38:57,635 --> 00:38:59,503 ( LAUGHTER ) SO WE GOT A TELEVISION SET. 771 00:38:59,570 --> 00:39:06,210 AND THERE WAS THE "JACKIE GLEASON SHOW," "PLAYHOUSE 90," 772 00:39:06,277 --> 00:39:09,747 "THE UNITED STATES STEEL HOUR," AND ALL THESE THINGS LIVE. 773 00:39:09,814 --> 00:39:11,449 >> Stephen: JACKIE GLEASON WAS IN THIS BUILDING. 774 00:39:11,515 --> 00:39:13,684 >> I SAW IT THE NIGHT HE BROKE HIS LEG. 775 00:39:13,751 --> 00:39:16,620 HE BROKE HIS LEG IN A SKIT, AND LITERALLY WAS PULLED OFF BEHIND 776 00:39:16,687 --> 00:39:17,722 A FLAT BY CAST AND CREW. 777 00:39:17,788 --> 00:39:19,990 I MEAN, IT WAS-- BROKE HIS LEG. 778 00:39:20,057 --> 00:39:21,726 SO, ANYWAY, THAT WAS VERY EXCITING. 779 00:39:21,792 --> 00:39:25,129 AND I THOUGHT-- ( LAUGHTER ) 780 00:39:25,196 --> 00:39:31,969 BUT, I MEAN, THERE WERE LITERARY DRAMAS ON THESE "PLAYHOUSE 90" 781 00:39:32,036 --> 00:39:33,804 THINGS, AND THAT'S WHEN I SAW PEOPLE ACTING. 782 00:39:33,871 --> 00:39:38,109 YOU KNOW, I I GUESS WAS 12, 13. 783 00:39:38,175 --> 00:39:38,943 SERIOUS STUFF. 784 00:39:39,009 --> 00:39:40,945 SO THAT'S WHEN I THOUGHT I WOULD DO IT. 785 00:39:41,011 --> 00:39:42,446 WHEN YOU'RE YOUNG, YOU'RE AN IDIOT. 786 00:39:42,513 --> 00:39:44,181 YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING. 787 00:39:44,248 --> 00:39:47,451 I JUST FIGURED, I'M GOING TO DO THAT. 788 00:39:47,518 --> 00:39:48,819 THERE WERE BOOKS ABOUT GREAT THEATRICAL PEOPLE, LIKE THE 789 00:39:48,886 --> 00:39:51,922 LUNTZ-- YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW-- YOU DO? 790 00:39:51,989 --> 00:39:55,559 >> SURE, WE'RE HAVING THE FONTAINES ON NEXT WEEK. 791 00:39:55,626 --> 00:39:59,730 >> I WOULD READ ABOUT THEIR LIVES AND LOVED THE IDEA OF LIFE 792 00:39:59,797 --> 00:40:00,965 IN THE THEATER. 793 00:40:01,031 --> 00:40:03,033 AND WHEN I DID THE THEATER, I THOUGHT THIS IS JUST LIKE WHAT I 794 00:40:03,100 --> 00:40:04,201 THOUGHT IT WAS GOING TO BE. 795 00:40:04,268 --> 00:40:09,840 >> Stephen: WELL, IT'S SO LOVELY TO FIN FINALLY MEET YOU. 796 00:40:09,907 --> 00:40:12,209 >> THANK YOU, I JUST LOVED IT. 797 00:40:12,276 --> 00:40:14,145 ME, TOO. 798 00:40:14,211 --> 00:40:17,248 >> Stephen: "THE CHAIR" IS STREAMING ON NETFLIX NOW. 799 00:40:17,314 --> 00:40:18,682 HOLLAND TAYLOR, EVERYBODY. 800 00:40:18,749 --> 00:40:24,421 AND THAT'S IT FOR "THE LATE SHOW." 801 00:40:24,488 --> 00:40:25,923 TUNE IN TOMORROW. 802 00:40:25,990 --> 00:40:29,393 MY GUESTS WILL BE SARAH PAULSON AND KACEY MUSGRAVES. 803 00:40:29,460 --> 00:40:30,961 JAMES CORDON IS NEXT. 804 00:40:31,028 --> 00:40:31,896 GOOD NIGHT! 805 00:40:31,962 --> 00:40:33,030 ♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE )