>> ACCORDING TO A NEW REPORT IN THE JOURNAL OF "TRENDS AND
ECOLOGY AND EVOLUTION," SOME ANIMALS ARE SHAPE-SHIFTING IN
RESPONSE TO CLIMATE CHANGE.
THE AUTHORS NOTED THAT ANIMALS ARE GETTING LARGER BEAKS, LEGS,
AND EARS THAT ALLOW THEM TO BETTER REGULATE THEIR BODY
TEMPERATURES AS THE PLANET GETS HOTTER.
BUT THEY STRESSED, "WE DON'T KNOW IF THEY WILL BE ABLE TO
KEEP UP AS THE CLIMATE CRISIS WORSENS."
♪ ♪ ♪ >> WELCOME TO "ANIMAL EARTH."
AS GLOBAL WARMING ENCOMPASSES THE EARTH, CAUSING ICEBERGS TO
MELT AND SEA LEVELS TO RISE, ANIMALS ARE FORCED TO ADAPT IN
ORDER TO ENDURE.
THIS IS THE EASTERN GRAY SQUIRREL, OR SCIURUS
CAROLINENSIS, AS NOBODY CALLS IT.
AS ITS HABITAT BECOMES INCREASINGLY WET, IT HAS
DEVELOPED A MECHANISM BY WHICH TO SURVIVE.
( LAUGHTER ) IT IS A SKILL THAT IS BOTH
CRUCIAL FOR IT TO THRIVE AS WELL AS AMUSING TO WATCH.
NEXT WEEK ON "ANIMAL EARTH," AS CHANGES IN THE ENVIRONMENT
CAUSES SCARCITY IN RESOURCES, THE GRAY SQUIRREL TURNS TO AN
ALTERNATIVE FOOD SOURCE.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Announcer: IT'S "THE LATE
SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT."
TONIGHT: NEW VARIANT, NEW PROBLEM.
PLUS, STEPHEN WELCOMES: CHRIS WALLACE
AND HOLLAND TAYLOR FEATURING JON BATISTE AND STAY
HUMAN.
AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK
CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: HEY.
HOW ARE YOU?
GOOD TO SEE YOU!
♪ ♪ ♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THAT'S VERY NICE.
HEY!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THANK YOU, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
THAT'S NICE.
BOY, THAT FEELS GOOD.
IT'S WONDERFUL TO BE WITH EVERYBODY HERE AGAIN TONIGHT.
WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
NOW, SOME SHARP-EYED VIEWERS, AND CERTAINLY ONE PERSON IN THE
AUDIENCE MAY HAVE NOTICED THAT I SHAVED OFF MY MUSTACHE.
LAST NIGHT-- PEOPLE ARE ASK YG.
WHERE DID THE MUSTACHE GO?
THERE ARE REASONS FOR EVERYTHING WE DO HERE AT "THE LATE SHOW."
IT'S ALL BASED ON SCIENCE.
LAST NIGHT, WE DID AN ULTRA-SCIENTIFIC TWITTER POLL
AND 71% SAID TRASH THE 'STACHE.
OKAY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
RRT.
ALL RIGHT.
THAT'S JUST ONE DATA POINT.
YOU CAN'T GO OFF OF ONE DATA POINT.
SO LATER, A CBS/STEPHEN COLBERT'S WIFE POLL, FOUND THAT
100% OF EVIE DID NOT LIKE THE 'STACHE.
SHE WOULD NOT KISS ME WHILE I HAD IT, SO I SHAVED IT OFF, AND
I GOT MY KISS.
THE STORY HAS A HAPPY ENDING.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
AND THEY LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER.
OF COURSE, THESE DAYS, YOU'VE GOT TO BE CAREFUL WHO YOU KISS,
THANKS TO THE DELTA VARIANT WHICH CURRENTLY ACCOUNTS FOR 99%
OF COVID CASES IN THE UNITED STATES.
AND IT'S SO WELL KNOWN THAT THE C.E.O. OF THE AIRLINE DELTA
REVEALED HE'S STILL REFUSING TO CALL IT THE DELTA VARIANT.
THAT'S IMPORTANT.
I CAN TOTALLY UNDERSTAND THAT.
BECAUSE BEING ASSOCIATED WITH A COMMUNICABLE DISEASE IS NOT
GREAT FOR BUSINESS.
THAT'S WHY STORES NO LONGER CARRY THE TASTY SYPHILIS JAM.
YOU REMEMBER THEIR MOTTO: "NOTHING SPREADS LIKE SYPHILIS!"
BUT-- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
MMMM.
BUT THERE'S A NEW VARIANT IN TOWN, AND I'TS CALLED MU, NAMED
AFTER THE 12th LETTER OF THE GREEK ALPHABET--
AND NOT, AS I THOUGHT, FOR THE POKEMON MEW.
EITHER WAY, GOT TO GET VACCINATED, OR YOU'LL CATCH 'EM
ALL.
LAST WEEK THE WORLD HEALTH ORGANIZATION--
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YEAH.
POKEMON FANS HERE TONIGHT.
( LAUGHTER ) LAST WEEK, THE WORLD HEALTH
ORGANIZATION DESIGNATED MU A "VARIANT OF INTEREST."
OKAY, IN THE P.R. WORLD, THAT'S WHATE WE CALL BUZZ."
NOW, TECHNICALLY, A "VARIANT OF INTEREST" IS LESS DIRE THAN A
"VARIANT OF CONCERN," LIKE DELTA IS CHARACTERIZED.
THE RATING GOES "VARIANT OF INTEREST,"
"VARIANT OF CONCERN," "VARIANT OF PANTS-CRAPPING"--
SOMETIMES CALLED "CODE BROWN"-- AND, FINALLY, "VARIANT OF
IS THERE ANY MORE ROOM ON JEFF BEZOS' PENIS ROCKET TO ESCAPE
THE PLANET?" ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
IN A PRESS RELEASE, THE W.H.O.
SAID THAT VACCINES MAY NOT WORK AGAINST MU, EXPLAINING THAT THE
VARIANT HAS PROPERTIES TO EVADE OUR IMMUNE SYSTEM CAUSED BY
"A CONSTELLATION OF MUTATIONS"-- A CONSTELLATION ALSO KNOWN AS
"THE BIG DOWNER."
( LAUGHTER ) BUT THERE IS SOME GOOD-ISH NEWS
OUT THERE.
IN PART BECAUSE PEOPLE ARE RATTLED BY THIS DELTA SURGE, 75%
OF U.S. ADULTS HAVE TAKEN AT LEAST ONE DOSE OF COVID-19
VACCINE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) OKAY, PEOPLE IN THIS ROOM,
EVERYBODY IN THIS ROOM, FOR INSTANCE.
OKAY.
75%, MEANING THIS LIFESAVING VACCINE IS JUST SLIGHTLY MORE
POPULAR THAN ME SHAVING OFF MY MUSTACHE.
( LAUGHTER ) SO FAR, SO FAR, VACCINES HAVE
ONLY GONE TO ADULTS AND TEENS, BECAUSE THEY'RE NOT AUTHORIZED
FOR CHILDREN UNDER 12, UNTIL PFIZER FIGURES OUT HOW TO MAKE
RAZZLEBERRY VACCINE ROLL-UPS.
( LAUGHTER ) NOW ALL OF THAT WAS FINE FOR
COVID CLASSIC BECAUSE KIDS WEREN'T CATCHING
IT, BUT THANKS TO DELTA, PEDIATRIC CASES ARE SURGING AS
STUDENTS HEAD BACK TO SCHOOL.
THAT'S NOT GOOD, BECAUSE IN ADDITION TO COVID, IT'S ALSO
COOTIE SEASON.
I CERTAINLY HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS ROOM HAS GOTTEN THEIR
CIRCLE DOT COOTIE SHOT.
OR THEY COULD END UP WITH A PURPLE NURPLE.
FOR COLLEGE KIDS, BACK TO SCHOOL MEANS BACK TO PACKED STADIUMS,
AND A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE AFRAID COLLEGE FOOTBALL GAMES
COULD BECOME SUPERSPREADER EVENTS.
HERE'S THE CROWD FROM U.N.C.-VIRGINIA TECH GAME THIS
WEEKEND THAT DID NOT REQUIRE VACCINATION AND WHERE ALMOST NO
ONE WAS WEARING A MASK.
( WHISTLE ) "PERSONAL FOUL.
FAILURE TO PROTECT YOURSELF AND OTHERS.
( LAUGHTER ) SETS THE COUNTRY BACK FIVE
YEARS.
STILL 4TH WAVE."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) IF THERE'S ONE THING-- IF
THERE'S ONE THING I KNOW ABOUT SHOW BUSINESS IS THAT SOUND GUYS
REALLY LOVE WHEN YOU USE A WHISTLE.
( BLOWING WHISTLE ) SOMEONE IS QUITTING IN THE
CONTROL ROOM RIGHT NOW.
( LAUGHTER ) THE ATLANTIC COAST CONFERENCE'S
TWEET ABOUT THE GAME UNIRONICALLY USED THE CAPTION,
"ABSOLUTE CHILLS," FOLLOWED BY "ABSOLUTE FEVER" AND "ABSOLUTE
LOSS OF TASTE AND SMELL."
( LAUGHTER ) BUT IT'S NOT JUST THE A.C.C.
THE UNIVERSITY OF IOWA'S STADIUM ALSO DOES NOT REQUIRE VACCINES
OR MASKS, AND HERE'S THE CROWD WAVING AT THE HOSPITAL BEHIND
THE STADIUM.
"HI, HOSPITAL!
SEE YOU IN TWO TO 14 DAYS!" BUT THESE ARE COLLEGE KIDS.
I'M SURE THEY'RE MAKING GOOD, HEALTHY CHOICES.
LET'S CHECK IN ON SOME ACTUAL FAN FOOTAGE FROM THE
GEORGIA-CLEMSON GAME AT LAST WEEKEND'S DUKE MAYO CLASSIC:
SEE, THAT'S RESPONSIBLE-- THAT'S A RESPONSIBLE CHOICE.
HE WAS NOT SHARING HIS GIANT TUB OF MAYONNAISE WITH ANYONE.
SO HE KNOWS IT'S NOT THE COVID THAT'S GOING TO KILL HIM, AND
TRULY HUMBLING TO WATCH.
UNTIL I SAW THAT VIDEO, I THOUGHT I WAS THE WHITEST MAN
IN AMERICA.
ALL HAIL THE NEW KING OF CAUCASIA!
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THAT'S-- THANKS TO MAN-MADE GLOBAL
WARMING, WE'VE SEEN MASSIVE HURRICANES, RAGING FLOODS, AND
OUT-OF-CONTROL FOREST FIRES.
AND THAT'S JUST THIS WEEK.
WE'RE ALL TENANTS OF PLANET EARTH, AND WE ARE DEFINITELY NOT
GETTING OUR SECURITY DEPOSIT BACK.
AND IT'S NOT JUST OUR LIVES WE'RE CHANGING FOREVER NOW.
BECAUSE A NEW REPORT SAYS THAT ANIMALS ARE SHAPE-SHIFTING IN
RESPONSE TO THE CLIMATE CRISIS.
SAME HERE.
( LAUGHTER ) THESE AREN'T LOVE HANDLES.
BEFORE THE SEA LEVELS RISE, I'M GROWING MY OWN WATER WINGS.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
ALL RIGHT.
THIS STUFF IS SCARY.
BUT WHY ARE WE CALLING IT SHAPE-SHIFTING?
WHEN A SPECIES ADAPTS OVER TIME, THERE'S A NAME.
IT'S CALLED EVOLUTION.
THAT'S CALLED EVOLUTION.
SHAPE-SHIFTING IS WHEN YOU SEE A BAT, LOOK AWAY FOR A SECOND,
AND THEN DRACULA IS STANDING THERE.
( DRACULA VOICE ) "I VANT TO SUCK FROM A PAPER
STRAW."
ACCORDING-- THE IDEA OF THAT JOKE IS THAT DRACULA IS
CONCERNED ABOUT POLLUTION.
( LAUGHTER ) ACCORDING TO THE REPORT,
WARM-BLOODED ANIMALS ARE CHANGING THEIR PHYSIOLOGY TO
ADAPT TO A HOTTER CLIMATE, IN PART BY GETTING LARGER LEGS TO
BETTER REGULATE THEIR BODY TEMPERATURE.
OKAY, THAT'S UPSETTING, BUT IT DOES MEAN THAT BEFORE THE WORLD
ENDS, THERE'S A CHANCE WE MIGHT GET TO SEE SOME SEXY PENGUINS.
BUT IT'S NOT JUST BIRDS WHO ARE ADAPTING.
THE AUTHOR OF THE STUDY POINTED OUT THAT PROMINENT APPENDAGES,
SUCH AS EARS, ARE PREDICTED TO INCREASE, SO WE MIGHT END UP
WITH A LIVE-ACTION DUMBO IN THE NOT-SO-DISTANT FUTURE.
OKAY, I QUESTION THIS SCIENCE, BECAUSE THERE ALREADY WAS A
LIVE-ACTION DUMBO.
AND JUST LIKE CLIMATE CHANGE, ALL THE COMPUTER MODELING WARNED
US IT WOULD BE A DISASTER, AND YET WE DID NOTHING TO STOP IT.
BUT IT'S NOT ALL BAD NEWS OUT THERE.
NO.
TODAY, VIRGINIA REMOVED THE ROBERT E. LEE STATUE FROM ITS
STATE CAPITAL.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AM JIM, JIM, LET'S GO TO THE
FOOTAGE.
THE SOUTH DID RISE AGAIN!
AND THEN WAS IMMEDIATELY LOWERED INTO THE PARKING LOT.
THEN A WORK CREW BEGAN CUTTING IT INTO PIECES FOR
TRANSPORTATION.
IT'S LIKE LINCOLN SAID: "A STATUE OF ROBERT E. LEE
DIVIDED AGAINST ITSELF CANNOT STAND, AND THAT'S OKAY WITH
ME."
AND THIS REMOVAL FROM THE CAPITAL-- IT'S FROM THE CAPITAL
GROUNDS-- IS LONG OVERDUE.
I HAVE ONE QUIBBLE.
I UNDERSTAND TAKING DOWN LEE, BUT WHY DID THEY HAVE TO TAKE
DOWN HIS HORSE, TRAVELER?
THE HORSE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING.
WHEN ASKED IF HE WANTED TO JOIN THE FIGHT TO PRESERVE SLAVERY,
HE SAID "NEIGH."
( LAUGHTER ) NOW-- YOU CAN'T SEE IT ON
CAMERA, BUT THESE PEOPLE ARE ABOUT TO RUSH THE STAGE, PUT
ME-- THEIR SHOULDERS AND MARCH ME ON TO BROADWAY AS THE
CHAMPION OF ALL JOKES RIGHT NOW.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
SECURITY-- SECURITY IS HOLDING THEM BACK.
WE CAN'T GET A SHOT OF IT.
SPEAKING OF POORLY-THOUGHT-OUT SECESSIONS, THE U.K. IS STILL
SUFFERING PLENTY OF COMPLICATIONS FROM BREXIT.
IT'S HARDER TO IMPORT STUFF FROM EUROPE FOR THEM NOW, SO THEY'RE
BUYING STUFF FROM US INSTEAD.
AND NOW ITALY HAS WARNED THE U.K., AMERICA IS FEEDING YOU
COUNTERFEIT PASTA, COMPLAINING THAT THE U.S. FIRMS USE FANCY
LABELING AND ITALIAN COLORS TO TRY TO PASS FOR AUTHENTIC
ITALIAN PRODUCTS.
HEY, PUMP THE POMODOROS, PAESANO.
ARE YOU SAYING AMERICAN ITALIAN FOOD ISN'T AUTHENTIC?
NEXT YOU ARE GOING TO TELL ME THAT JOHN ISN'T MY REAL PAPA, OR
THAT THIS GUY ISN'T ACTUALLY IN CHARGE OF THE SPECIALS!
( LAUGHTER ) THIS WHOLE THING MAKES ME SAD,
BECAUSE ITALY IS ONE OF MY FAVORITE PLACES IN THE WORLD.
SO IN THE SPIRIT OF INTERNATIONAL HARMONY AND ME
BEING ABLE TO EAT GELATO WITH GEORGE CLOONEY AT LAKE COMO, I
WANT TO INVITE ITALIANS TO JOIN ME IN THE ITALY-CAM.
( ITALIAN ACCENT ) BUON GIORNO, BENVENUTO A LA
CAMERA D'ITALIANO.
ISSA-ME, MARIO!
I MEAN, STEFANO.
WE HEAR YOU ARE A BIT MAD ABOUT THE STATI UNITI SELLING THE
KNOCK-OFF MACARONI.
BUT AS THEY SAY IN YOUR BEAUTIFUL COUNTRY: WHEN YOU ARE
HERE, YOU ARE FAMILY.
SO WHY NOT JOIN YOUR FRIENDS IN ENGLAND AND TRY SOME OF OUR
FINEST AUTHENTIC ITALIAN RECIPES, LIKE A TOMB-STON-E
PIZZA!
ALL THE FLAVOR OF A GRAVEYARD.
OR OUR DELICIOUS BEEFARONI.
JUST LIKE MAMA USED TO PASTEURIZE!
OR THIS THING, CALLED "THE CRAZY CALZONY" IN A MISGUIDED ATTEMPT
TO DESTIGMATIZE MENTAL ILLNESS.
UNLIMITED BRED STICKS, EVERYONE!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT.
MY GUESTS ARE JOURNALIST CHRIS WALLACE AND ACTRESS HOLLAND
TAYLOR.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, DO EMOJIS STILL MEAN WHAT THEY USED TO?
ALSO, WHAT DID EMOJIS USED TO MEAN?
STICK AROUND.
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!
GIVE IT UP FOR JON BATISTE AND STAY HUMAN.
RIGHT THERE.
THTHAR SHE BLOWS.
THERE IT IS.
JON, JON, I WANT TO GIVE IT UP FOR YOU AND THE BAND AGAIN FOR
THE SONG WE ALL DID LAST NIGHT ♪ ALL MY FRIENDS ARE VACCINATED
>> THE "FOUR EXCUSES" SONG.
IT'S BLOWING UP.
IS THIS TRUE?
IT CRASHED THE SERVERS.
IT CRASHED THE NETWORK.
YEAH, THEY DIDN'T HAVE ANYTHING ON AFTER CORDON.
THAT'S THE LATEST WE BROADCAST LAST NIGHT.
>> Jon: YEAH, BABY.
>> Stephen: CHECK IT OUT IF YOU HAVEN'T CHECKED IT OUT YET.
IT'S HEALED A NATION.
>> Jon: THAT'S RIGHT.
>> Stephen: AND TONIGHT, TOO.
WE HAVE TWO FANTASTIC GUESTS.
I'M LOOKING AT THE CARDS.
THE ACTUAL QUESTIONS I'LL BE ASKING CHRIS WALLACE, FOX NEWS
SUNDAY HOST, AND HOLLAND TAYLOR.
INCREDIBLE ACTRESS WILL BE OUT HERE TONIGHT.
>> Jon: IT'S GOING TO BE INCREDIBLE.
>> Stephen: EVERY NIGHT, IT'S ALWAYS INCREDIBLE.
FOLKS, RECENTLY I'VE NOTICED THAT I'M NOT ABLE TO COMMUNICATE
WITH MY YOUNGER PEERS AS EASILY AS I USED TO.
AND THIS ISN'T THE FIRST TIME.
A COUPLE OF MONTHS AGO, I HAD TO LEARN ABOUT THE KIDS' HOT NEW
WORD: CHEUGY.
GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THAT ONE.
AND IT IS DELICIOUS.
I THINK.
BUT NOW, I'M HAVING A NEW PROBLEM, AND THAT'S TEXTING WITH
YOUNG PEOPLE.
AND I'LL TELL YOU THE LATEST IN MY NEW SEGMENT:
"STEPHEN COLBERT PRESENTS: THAT'S YEET.
DABBING ON FLEEK, FAM!" ( LAUGHTER )
TODAY'S TOPIC IN THE GENERATIONAL HOLY WAR: EMOJIS.
NOW, YOU THINK YOU KNOW WHAT A SMILEY FACE MEANS?
WELL, THINK AGAIN, CBS VIEWER.
BECAUSE IT TURNS OUT THAT SMILEY EMOJIS NOW MEAN DIFFERENT
THINGS TO DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
WHAT?
THAT MAKES ME SO CRYING FACE EMOJI.
OR DOES IT?!
THERE'S NO WAY TO KNOW ANYMORE!
BECAUSE IT TURNS OUT THAT PEOPLE OVER 30 USE EMOJIS TO CONVEY
WHAT THE IMAGES ALWAYS DID, BUT YOUNGER "DIGITAL NATIVES" MIGHT
ASCRIBE SARCASTIC MEANINGS TO THEM.
SO, WHILE I THINK IT'S TOTES CHILL TO SEND A SMILEY FACE IN A
TEXT, FOR MANY TEENS AND 20-SOMETHINGS, A SMILEY
FACE POPPING UP IN A TEXT OR EMAIL IS SEEN AS PATRONIZING OR
PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE.
OKAY, THIS IS WHY I USE EMOJIS THAT HAVE ONLY ONE POSSIBLE
MEANING, LIKE WHEN MY WIFE IS OUT SHOPPING AND I REMIND HER WE
NEED EGGPLANTS...
PEACHES...
AND BOTTLED WATER.
BUT-- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: OH, MAN.
>> Stephen: GOTTA KEEP A LIST.
VERY IMPORTANT.
KEEP A LIST.
BUT SOME EMOJIS HAVE MULTIPLE MEANINGS NOW.
TAKE THE COWBOY EMOJI.
FOR US OLDIESS, IT CAN SIGNIFY A SPECIAL BRAND OF QUIRKY, GIGGLY
HAPPINESS, WHILE FOR MANY GEN Z, IT MEANS THE SENDER IS
PUTTING ON A FRONT, SMILING ON THE OUTSIDE WHILE DYING ON THE
INSIDE.
AND IT BEING A COWBOY, I ASSUME IT'S INTERNAL HEMORRHAGING AFTER
BEING TRAMPLED.
( LAUGHTER ) ALL OF THIS IS WHY I RELY ON MY
WRITING TEAM OF YOUNGLINGS TO BRING ME UP TO SPEED.
NOW, HERE TO HELP ME WITH MY MARICOPA MOJO IS MY 20-SOMETHING
WRITER, FELIPE TORRES MEDINA.
FELIPE?
FELIPE, AREN'T YOU GONNA SAY HI?
>> I DID.
I TEXTED YOU.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: YOU SENT ME AN EMOJI
OF AN EGGROLL.
>> RIGHT.
HI!
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: OKAY, FELIPE.
I RECENTLY GOT A TEXT FROM ONE OF MY KIDS, AND I DON'T GET IT.
IT SAYS, "HI, DAD.
WIDGEY KISS EMOJI, BICEP EMOJI, AIRPLANE SEAT EMOJI.
WHAT IS THAT?
>> OH, THAT'S EASY.
THE WINKY KISS MEANS LOVE.
I THINK.
AND THE BICEPS IS WAVING, BUT LIKE, STRONGLY WAVING?
UNLESS THEY'RE BEING SARCASTIC?
>> Stephen: FELIPE, ARE YOU SURE YOU KNOW HOW TO READ THESE
EMOJIS LIKE YOUNG PEOPLE?
>> YEAH, I'M YOUNG.
I'M 20-SOMETHING.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: 20 WHAT?
>> SOMETHING.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: FELIPE, ARE YOU 30?
>> NOT FOR TWO MORE MONTHS.
I HAVE 55 DAYS TO BE YOUNG AND COOL.
I CAN MIDDLE PART.
I KNOW WHAT EMOJIS MEAN.
I DON'T WANNA DIE.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stephen: OKAY, LISTEN, LISTEN, CALM DOWN.
I'M GOING TO NEED A REAL GEN Z PERSON.
>> DID SOMEBODY SAY WRITERS' ASSISTANT, CARA WASHINGTON?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: NO.
BUT, CARA, THANK YOU.
CAN YOU HELP US DECIPHER THESE EMOJIS?
>> UH, NO.
FOR GEN Z, EMOJIS ARE SO CHEUGY.
WE DO THIS NEW THING.
YOU, LIKE, DIAL THESE NUMBERS, AND THEN YOUR FRIENDS PICK UP ON
THE OTHER END, AND THEN YOU USE WORDS FROM YOUR FACE TO D.M.
INTO THEIR EAR IN REAL TIME.
YOU WOULDN'T GET IT.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: YOU MEAN YOU MAKE
A PHONE CALL?
>> IT'S CALLED MOUTH TEXTING, GRANDPA.
>> MOUTH TEXTING?
OKAY, ZOOMER.
>> Stephen: MY STAFF WRITER AND YOUTH CORRESPONDENT, GLENN
EICHLER?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> WHAT UP, NEWBS.
I'M ALL ABOUT PERCUSSIVE TE11 ME.
I JUST SLAMMED YOU SO HARD, YOU'D NEVER UNDERSTAND.
>> OH, MY GOD, THAT IS SO EGG ROLL.
YOUNG PEOPLE, EVERYBODY.
THEY MUST BE DESTROYED.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH CHRIS WALLACE.
HEY EVERYBODY, WELCOME BACK TO THE LATE SHOW
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MY FIRST GUEST IS THE ANCHOR OF FOX NEWS
SUNDAY AND AN AUTHOR WHOSE WRITTEN A NEW BOOK COUNTDOWN BIN
LADEN. WELCOME BACK TO THE LATE SHOW
CHRIS WALLACE.
MY MAN HOW ARE YOU?
THINGS GOT A LITTLE CRAZY LAST NIGHT.
NEXT TIME I CAN SIT IN WITH THE BAND?
NOW THEN
SO, JON AND I WERE HANGING OUT LAST NIGHT?
WHY WERE YOU HANGING OUT?
YOU HAD FOUR EXCUSES, WE HAD FIVE EXCUSES.
WHAT WERE YOU DOING?
YOU KNOW WE WERE JAMMING?
REALLY?
WHAT DO YOU PLAY?
ANY - I AM POLY INSTRUMENTAL
THE MUSIC FLOWS THROUGH ME
NOW, THE BOOK IS CALLED COUNTDOWN BIN LADEN
THE BOOK IS ABOUT THE PLANNING TO GET BIN LADEN, ALL THE EVENTS
LEADING UP TO IT
AND THEN THE NIGHT OF. SORT OF THE DARING AND THE RISK
ASSOCIATED WITH THAT.
BEFORE WE GET INTO THAT WERE COMING UP ON THE 20TH
ANNIVERSARY OF THE 9/11 ATTACKS THIS SATURDAY.
AND WERE WATCHING THE RECENT WITHDRAW FROM AFGHANISTAN
AND THE CHAOS THAT FALLS IN THE WAKE OF THE UNITED STATES
LEAVING AND WE KNOW WHY BIN LADEN IS AN AVATAR OF EVIL FOR
US AND WE KNOW WHY WE WENT INTO
AFGHANISTAN
THE SO-CALLED GOOD WAR BECAUSE THERE WAS A RATIONAL TO GOING,
WHEREAS IRAQ WAS QUESTIONABLE
2001 WE GO IN, THIS BOOK PICKS UP IN 2010
JUST SET THE STAGE, WHAT WAS HAPPENING IN THOSE 9 YEARS WHERE
WE WEREN'T GETTING BIN LADEN WHEN THAT WAS OUR MISSION TO
BEGIN WITH
WELL AFTER WE CAME IN 2001 AND OUSTED THE TALIBAN AND THE IDEA
THAT THEY ARE IN CONTROL OF THE COUNTRY THAT THEY WERE IN
CONTROL OF ON 9/11
I THINK TO MOST AMERICANS IS JUST HORRIFYING.
>> IT FEELS STRANGE TO SEE THAT HAPPENING.
IT REALLY IS.
IT'S DISHEARTENING TO SEE THAT HAPPENING.
>> YOU BET.
>> Stephen: I HAVE TO REMIND MYSELF, WE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING.
WE HAD NO PLANS TO GO IN THERE.
IT WAS ONLY TO GET AL QAEDA, BUT THEN WE WEREN'T GETTING THEM,
AND YET, WE STAYED FOR THOSE NINE YEARS, LEADING UP TO THE
BEGINNING OF YOUR BOOK.
SO WHAT WAS HAPPENING?
WHAT HAPPENED TO THE U.S.
MISSION IN THERE?
>> SO WE CHASED BIN LADEN AND WE END UP WE BELIEVE CORNERING IN A
MOUNTAINOUS REGION RIGHT ON THE BORDER WITH PAKISTAN, CALLED
TORAH BORA.
AND WE PUT TROOPS IN THERE.
AND WE THINK WE HAVE THEM CORNERED IN THE CAVE, AND HE
DISAPPEARS.
>> Stephen: DID WE TAKE OUR EYE OFF THE BALL, OR--
>> HE JUST GOT OUT.
WE DIDN'T SEND ENOUGH TROOPS IN, IN THE FIRST PLACE, AND THERE
WAS A BIG FIGHT WITH THE PENTAGON AS TO WHETHER WE NEEDED
MORE TROOPS ON THE GROUND.
BUT SOMEHOW HE WAS ABLE TO GET OUT.
HE ESCAPED INTO PAKISTAN AND DID THIS MOUNTAINOUS TRIBAL AREA,
AND BASICALLY, THE TRAIL GOES COLD FOR NINE YEARS.
AND THE GENERAL BELIEF, ABOUT TWO MONTHS BEFORE MY BOOK
STARTS, LEON PANETTA, THEN THE DIRECTOR OF THE C.I.A., IS
INTERVIEWED, AND THEY SAY, "WHERE IS HE?"
AND HE SAID, "WE THINK HE'S IN THIS TRIBAL AREA, WILD, REMOTE,
MOUNTAINOUS, CAVES, BETWEEN AFGHANISTAN AND PAKISTAN."
AND IT TURNS OUT EVERYTHING WE THOUGHT WAS COMPLETELY WRONG.
>> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE A LITTLE BIT OF A BREAK.
BUT STICK AROUND WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE CHRIS WALLACE.
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY, WE'RE BACK WITH THE AUTHOR OF
"COUNTDOWN BIN LADEN," HOST OF "FOX NEWS SUNDAY," CHRIS
WALLACE.
CHRIS, YOU HAVE INTERVIEWED KEY PLAYERS.
I'VE GOT, YOU KNOW, A NICE VISUAL AID HERE.
YOU HAVE INTERVIEWED MANY OF THE PEOPLE IN THIS FAMOUS PHOTO OF
THE NIGHT THEY GOT BIN LADEN.
SECRETARY CLINTON, SECRETARY OF DEFENSE GATES, C.I.A. DIRECTOR
PANETTA, ADMIRAL McRAVEN WHO WAS IN CHARGE OF THE ACTUAL
ATTACK, BUT IS NOT IN THIS PHOTOGRAPH.
>> HE IS IN JALALABAD, AFGHANISTAN.
>> Stephen: AND SEAL TEAM 6 MEMBERS.
WHAT SURPRISED YOU ABOUT THIS THAT YOU DIDN'T KNOW, BECAUSE SO
MUCH HAS BEEN WRITTEN.
>> I THINK TWO THINGS.
FIRST OF ALL, THE MAN WHO KILLED BIN LADEN, WAS A NAVY SEAL, SEAL
TEAM 6, ROB O'NEILL.
HE.
THE ONE WHO WENT UP TO THE THIRD FLOOR, GOES INTO THE ROOM.
BIN LADEN TAKES ONE OF HIS THREE WIVES WHO WERE IN THE HOUSE--
THAT IS AN INTERESTING RELATIONSHIP RIGHT THERE-- HOLDS
HER IN FRONT OF HIM, AND HE SHOOT THREE TIMES IN THE HEAD.
AND I SAID TO HIM, "HOW DANGEROUS DID YOU THINK THIS
MISSION WAS?" AND HE SAID, "ONE-WAY TICKET."
AND I SAID, "WHAT DO YOU MEAN?" "SUICIDE MISSION.
THERE IS NO WAY IF BIN LADEN IS IN THE COMPOUND, IT ISN'T BOOBY
TRAPPED BY THE TIME WE GO IN THERE.
WE'LL BE BLOWN UP.
IF THAT DOESN'T HAPPEN BY THE TIME WE GO UP IN THIS
THREE-STORY VILLA, IF BIN LADEN IS THERE, THEY'LL HAVE BODY
GUARDS.
THEY'LL COME AT US AND ATTACK US.
WE MAY GET BIN LADEN BUT WE AREN'T GETTING BACK HOME."
THAT WAS THE ONE THING.
THE SECOND THING IS WHEN OBAMA MADE THE DECISION ON FRIDAY
APRIL 29, IT IS NO MORE THAN A 50-50 PROPOSITION THAT BIN LADEN
IS EVEN THERE.
WELL, THAT WAS -- >> Stephen: THAT WAS 10 YEARS
AGO.
>> RIGHT.
>> Stephen: THAT'S 2011, IN THE SPRING OF 2011.
IT'S 10 YEARS BEFORE THE TRUMP ADMINISTRATION MAKES THE
AGREEMENT WITH THE TALIBAN, AND THE BIDEN ADMINISTRATION FOLLOWS
UP ON THAT AND PULLS US OUT OF AFGHANISTAN.
WHAT HAPPENS NOW?
I KNOW YOU'RE NOT IN THE STATE DEPARTMENT OR THE
ADMINISTRATION, BUT HOW-- WHAT WILL DETERMINE THE U.S.
RELATIONSHIP WITH THE TALIBAN NOW?
BECAUSE THEY'VE PUT IN PEOPLE THERE THAT ARE ON THE F.B.I.'S
MOST-WANTED LIST.
>> THAT'S RIGHT.
ONE OF THE GUYS WHO I THINK IS THE HEAD OF THE SECURITY HAS A
$10 MILLION BOUNTY FROM THE STATE DEPARTMENT.
SO THERE'S ALL THIS TALK ABOUT --
>> Stephen: DO YOU INVITE HIM TO A STATE DINNER AND JUST LOCK
THE DOOR WHEN HE COMES IN?
>> YOU CERTAINLY DON'T BRENG OUT THE GOOD SILVER.
THERE'S NO QUESTION ABOUT THAT.
YOU KNOW, I THINK WE'RE NOT GOING TO HAVE A GREAT WORKING
RELATIONSHIP, BUT WE KIND OF NEED THEM BECAUSE WE'VE GOT AT
LEAST 100 AMERICANS STILL THERE.
WE'VE GOT TENS OF THOUSANDS OF AFGHAN ALLIES, THE DRIVERS, THE
TRANSLATORS, THE COOKS WHO STOOD UP FOR US AND NOW THEIR LIVES
ARE IN RISK.
I THINK IT WILL BE A KIND OF "ARE YOU GOING TO COME THROUGH
OR NOT?" I DON'T THINK ANYBODY IN
WASHINGTON TRUSTS THEM.
AND I DON'T THINK THEY'RE ESPECIALLY OPTIMISTIC ABOUT
THIS.
BUT IF THEY -- >> Stephen: WE DO HAVE A
COMMON ENEMY.
>> PARDON.
>> Stephen: WE DO HAVE A COMMON ENEMY, WHICH IS ISIS.
THE TALIBAN HATES ISIS.
AND ISIS JUST EXECUTED THAT ATTACK AGAINST THE PEOPLE AT THE
AIRPORT 10, 12 DAYS AGO.
>> RIGHT.
>> Stephen: DO YOU THINK THERE WILL BE ANY COOPERATION BETWEEN
THE UNITED STATES AND THE TALIBAN, WHERE WE SAY, "HEY, YOU
HELP US GET THE REST OF THE PEOPLE OUT THERE, YOU HELP US
KILL ISIS?" HAVE YOU HEARD ANYTHING LIKE,
THAT OR AM I JUST COOKING UP A PLAN RIGHT NOW?
( LAUGHTER ).
>> I MEAN, THERE'S TALK ABOUT IT.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER IT'S ACTUALLY GOING TO HAPPEN.
AND I DON'T THINK-- IF YOU WERE TO ASK SECRETARY OF STATE
BLINKEN IF HE WERE SITTING HERE HE WOULD SAY I DON'T KNOW
BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW WHO THESE GUYS ARE GOING TO BE.
THERE IS TALK OF THE KINDER, GENTLER TALIBAN.
WE HAVE FROZEN BILLIONS OF DOLLARS IN THEIR ASSETS.
WE NEED THEM TO GET THE AMERICANS OUT.
WE CERTAINLY WANT THEM TO HELP US FIGHT TERRORISM.
THEY WOULD LIKE MONEY FROM US.
IN A RATIONAL WORLD, YOU CAN MAKE A DEAL.
THIS IS THE TALIBAN.
>> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE A QUICK BREAK.
STICK AROUND.
WHEN WE COME BACK, I'M GOING TO ASK CHRIS HOW HE FEELS ABOUT HIS
SHOW AND SHOWS LIKE HIS HAVING ON PEOPLE WHO DENY BIDEN WAS
DULY ELECTED.
HE HAS A GOOD ANSWER.
YOU HAVE A GOOD ANSWER.
THE AUTHOR OF "COUNTDOWN BIN LADEN," HOST OF "FOX NEWS
SUNDAY," CHRIS WALLACE.
I'M WONDERING WHETHER YOU AND YOUR FELLOW "SUNDAY MORNING"
GUYS OUT THERE WHO ARE DOING THE SUNDAY SHOWS TALKING ABOUT THE
WEEK, IF YOU EVER FEEL LIKE YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE ON PEOPLE WHO
HAVE THE IRRATIONAL BELIEF THAT THE LAST ELECTION WAS STOLEN.
THE PEOPLE WHO ARE CYNICALLY-- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
AND I KNOW YOU'VE HELD THESE GUYS FEET TO THE FIRE.
I'M NOT-- I DON'T WANT TO SUGGEST THAT YOU HAVEN'T PUSHED
BACK.
YOU HAVE, QUITE FAMOUSLY.
BUT HAVE YOU EVER SEEN ANYTHING SO CYNICAL IN WASHINGTON, D.C.,
THAN THIS KNOWLEDGEABLE-- PEOPLE SAYING THINGS THEY KNOW AREN'T
TRUE, THAT THEY KNOW HAS TO HAVE LASTING DAMAGE ON OUR DEMOCRACY
COMING ON TV AND SAYING THESE THNGS WITH A STRAIGHT FACE?
>> I HAVE NEVER SEEN THIS.
I'VE SEEN A LOT OF-- I'VE BEEN IN WASHINGTON 40 YEARS, SO I'VE
SEEN A LOT OF BAD STUFF, BUT NOTHING LIKE THIS, WHERE-- AND,
YOU KNOW, SOMEONE WOULD SAY TO ME, "WELL, ARE THEY DELUSIONAL?"
MAYBE SOME OF THEM ARE.
WHAT'S WORSE, I THINK MORE OF THEM HAVE CYNICALLY DECIDED
BECAUSE OF THE TRUMP BASE, BECAUSE THEY DON'T WANT TO GET
CROSSWISE WITH THE FORMER PRESIDENT, THEY'RE GOING TO SAY
SOMETHING THEY KNOW IS NOT TRUE.
NOW, I DON'T BELIEVE THAT YOU JUSTICE SIT THERE AND SAY, "I'M
NOT GOING TO HAVE THEM ON."
BUT IF I'M GOING TO HAVE THEM ON, I'M GOING TO HOLD THEM TO
ACCOUNT OVER AND OVER ABOUT, YOU KNOW, WHAT ABOUT-- WHAT ABOUT
THIS ELECTION?
WHAT ABOUT-- YOU KNOW, IS-- I'VE SAID THIS TO MANY OF THEM-- "IS
JOE BIDEN THE DULY ELECTED PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES?"
AND THEY'LL SAY, "WELL, HE'S THE PRESIDENT."
AND I SAID, "NO, NO, WAS HE ELECTED FAIR AND SQUARE?"
WE GO BACK ON THIS AND I DON'T LET IT PASS.
I THINK -- >> Stephen: IS THAT PART OF
THE VETTING PROCESS, YOU SAY, "YOU SHOULD JUST KNOW IF YOU
BRING UP ANY OF THAT GARBAGE, CHRIS WILL CALL YOU."
>> WE DON'T PREPARE IT, THEY KNOW ME.
THEY KNOW I'M GOING TO BE LIKE THAT.
JANUARY 6 IS ONE OF THE WORST DAYS-- I COVERED CONGRESS FOR
SEVERAL YEARS WHEN I FIRST CAME TO WASHINGTON IN 1978, AND AS
I'M SITTING THERE LIVE WATCHING IT ON TELEVISION AND SEEING THIS
MOB COMING TO THE CATHEDRAL OF OUR DEMOCRACY AND SITTING IN THE
CHAIR THAT THE PRESIDENT OF THE SENATE SITS IN AND, YOU KNOW,
RUNNING AROUND THE ROTUNDA, I WAS SICKENED.
>> Stephen: BECAUSE OUR DEMOCRACY ITSELF--
( APPLAUSE ) I WAS, TOO.
AND THE THING-- THE THING I WAS REMINDED OF IN THAT MOMENT IS
THAT OUR DEMOCRACY ITSELF IS ACTUALLY MORE IMPORTANT THAN ANY
IDEA LIFE, AND THAT'S WHY MEN LIKE THIS RISK THEIR LIVES IN
ORDER TO PROTECT OUR COUNTRY.
BECAUSE THEY SEE SOMETHING MORE IMPORTANT THAN THEIRSELVES AND
THAT IS OUR COLLECTIVE ABILITY TO MAKE OUR DECISIONS WITH EACH
OTHER IN A RATIONAL AND PEACEFUL WAY.
WHICH I THINK DISQUALIFIES ANYBODY FROM BEING IN THE PUBLIC
SPHERE IF THEY'RE NOT WILLING TO STAND UP FOR THAT TRUTH.
AND THE LEGITIMACY THAT'S GIVEN TO PEOPLE BY COMING ON ANY OF
THE SUNDAY SHOWS WHO ARE WILLING TO PROMULGATE THAT LIE IS
ACTUALLY OF SOME VALUE TO THEM.
DOES IT WORRY THAT YOU GIVE LEGITIMACY TO PEOPLE WHO HAVE
ABDICATED ALL PUBLIC RESPONSIBILITY?
>> WELL, THERE ARE PLENTY OF PEOPLE WHO, YOU KNOW, WERE OTHER
LEADERS OF-- IN THE CONGRESS-- OFCHALLENGING IT THAT I JUST
HAVE NOT HAD ON THE SHOW EVER SINCE THEN.
AND HAVE PURPOSELY NOT HAD THEM ON THE SHOW BECAUSE I FRANKLY
DON'T WANT TO HEAR THEIR CRIME.
BUT HAVING SAID THAT-- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
BUT HAVING SAID THAT, THERE ARE SOME LEADERS THAT, YOU KNOW, YOU
HAVE TO DO-- YOU HAVE TO ASK THEM QUESTIONS.
THEY'RE PEOPLE IN LEADERSHIP IN THE SENATE.
BUT I WON'T LET THEM COME ON WITHOUT PUTTING THEM THROUGH THE
WRINGER >> Stephen: "COUNTDOWN BIN
LADEN" IS AVAILABLE NOW.
THE MAN IS CHRIS WALLACE.
THANK YOU, CHRIS.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH ACTRESS HOLLAND TAYLOR.
♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!
WELCOME BACK TO THE SHOW!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) MY NEXT GUEST IS AN EMMY AWARD-
WINNING ACTRESS YOU KNOW FROM "THE PRACTICE," "LEGALLY
BLONDE," AND "TWO AND A HALF MEN."
HER LATEST SHOW IS "THE CHAIR."
>> I WAS ABLE TO DO THAT THING WE TALKED ABOUT.
>> I DIDN'T THINK YOU WERE REALLY-- I WAS JOKING.
>> I THOUGHT YOU WERE JUST PRETENDING TO JOKE BUT WERE
ACTUALLY SERIOUS.
>> GOOD THING I DIDN'T JOKE YOU SHOULD KILL HIM.
SO, YOU TRACKED HIM DOWN.
>> WELL, NOT EXACTLY.
BUT I WAS ABLE TO HACK INTO THE "RATE MY PROFESSOR" WEB SITE.
>> HACK?
NO, I CAN'T BE EVEN TANGENTIALLY CONNECTED TO IMPROPER CONDUCT OR
ILLEGAL.
>> YOU WANT TO KNOW?
>> YES.
>> IT WAS POSTED TWICE FROM THE HUMANITIES LIBRARY, BOTH TIMES
BETWEEN 5:00 P.M. AND 6:00 P.M.
>> CLASS 223.
>> NO.
>> IF HE POSTS AGAIN AND SAYS WE WERE AT THE LIBRARY.
>> YEAH, YOU'D HAVE TO RECOGNIZE THE GUY.
>> THAT SHOULDN'T BE TOO HARD.
>> WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO IF YOU CATCH HIM?
>> DESTROY HIM, JONES SAID JOKINGLY, WHEN THAT'S EXACTLY
WHAT SHE WAS PLANNING TO DO.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: PLEASE WELCOME TO
"THE LATE SHOW," HOLLAND TAYLOR.
♪ ♪ ♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
♪ ♪ ♪ >> WOW.
>> Stephen: LOVELY-- LOVELY TO MEET YOU.
I KNOW YOU'VE BEEN HERE BEFORE, BUT IT WAS BACKSTAGE WHEN YOUR
PARTNER, SARAH PAULSON, HAS BEEN ON.
I HAVEN'T HAD A CHANCE TO MEET YOU YET.
>> YOU'RE SO MUCH A PART OF MY LIFE.
I MEAN, I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT WE HAVEN'T SAT AND TALKED THIS WAY
BEFORE.
>> Stephen: HELLO.
HELLO.
>> IN FACT I WANT TO PINCH MYSELF, EXCEPT I THINK IT WOULD
BE BETTER TO PINCH YOU.
>> Stephen: THAT'S VERY NICE.
CONGRATULATIONS ON THE NEW SHOW, "THE CHAIR."
WE CAN AMANDA PEET THE PRODUCER ON RECENTLY.
YOU PLAY-- AND I HAVE A GLAM SHOT OF YOU HERE AS YOUR
CHARACTER-- PROFESSOR JOAN HAMBLING.
THERE YOU GO, LOOKING RED CARPET READY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
RIGHT THERE.
>> COME ON.
>> Stephen: THAT'S AN ACCURATE PROFESSOR LOOK, I HAVE TO SAY.
>> I THINK SO, I THINK SO.
>> Stephen: IS THIS BASED ON ANYONE?
I BASED HER BEHAVIOR AND HER LOOK ON SOMEONE, NOT HER
CHARACTER SO MUCH.
THE LAND LADY, WHEN I FIRST CAME TO NEW YORK, I HAD THE TOP FLOOR
OF A LITTLE HOUSE IN THE VILLAGE.
AND THIS WOMAN WHO WAS A GREEK SCHOLAR, AN AMERICAN WHO WAS A
GREEK SCHOLAR AND A POET, LIVED IN THE FIRST FLOOR.
AND SHE LOOKED LIKE THAT.
SHE-- HER CLOTHES WERE ALWAYS SORT OF HALF FALLING OFF HER,
BECAUSE AS SHE WAS ZIPPING UP HER SKIRT, SHE'D GET AN IDEA,
AND SHE'D HAVE TO GO, YOU KNOW, LOOK AT HER BOOK.
AND THEN SHE'D GO ABOUT HER DAY WITH HER SKIRT, LIKE, HALFWAY
DOWN HER-- YOU KNOW.
BY NIGHT TIME IT'S ON HER ANKLE'S, YOU KNOW.
SHE JUST WAS SORT OF UNPLUGGED FROM THE NORMAL THINGS THAT
WE'RE ALL VERY CONCERNED ABOUT, WHAT WE LOOK LIKE.
HER HAIR WAS JUST-- YOU KNOW, SHE CUT IT HERSELF SOMETIMES.
BECAUSE SHE WAS REALLY IN HER-- IN HER MIND, AND SHE WAS
WONDERFUL, WONDERFUL, FABULOUS WOMAN.
BUT SHE DID NOT CARE FOR THINGS, CLOTHES, EATING.
I GUESS SHE ATE ONCE IN A WHILE, LITTLE CHICKEN WING S.
>> Stephen: AND THIS WAS YOUR FIRST LAND LADY IN NEW YORK.
>> THAT WAS MY FIRST LANDLADY.
>> Stephen: WHEN WERE YOU?
>> 47 McDOUGALL STREET.
I LIVED THERE FOR YEARS, ACTUALLY.
>> Stephen: WHAT WAS THAT LIKE?
WHERE DID YOU COME FROM?
>> I HAD BEEN IN COLLEGE IN VERMONT, BENNINGTON, VERMONT.
I GREW UP IN PHILADELPHIA, JUST OUTSIDE PHILADELPHIA.
( APPLAUSE ) YEAH, IT'S A GREAT TOWN.
IT REALLY IS THE CITY OF BROTHERLY LOVE.
>> Stephen: DID YOU EVER THINK OF BEING A PROFESSOR YOURSELF?
>> NO.
>> Stephen: NO, NO.
IF YOU WERE TO BE A PROFESSOR, WHAT WOULD YOU WANT TO BE A
PROFESSOR OF?
>> IF I ACTUALLY WERE TO TEACH SOMETHING PI, I HAD A GREAT TEAC
OF ACTING, STELLA EDULAR, AND I PROBABLY WOULD TEACH ACTING.
>> Stephen: HAVE YOU TAUGHT ACTING?
>> I DID A COUPLE OF TIMES.
I WOULD TEACH WHAT SHE TAUGHT ME.
STHEFS A GREAT TEACHER, INTELLECTUAL AND STAR, GREAT
PERSONALITY.
AND SHE REALLY HAD A TECHNIQUE, AND I WOULD TEACH THAT.
BUT, YOU KNOW, I WOULD HAVE TO BE IN SOME WAY PREVENTED FROM
ACTING.
>> Stephen: IT'S A ROLL IN THE BONES WITH YOUR LIFE A LITTLE
BIT TO GO INTO THE ARTS, BECAUSE IT'S HARD TO GET A GIG.
WHEN DID YOU GO-- WHEN DID YOU THINK I WANT TO TAKE THAT-- I
WANT TO TAKE THAT JOURNEY?
>> I THINK WHEN YOU'RE 12 YOU DON'T KNOW THAT.
>> Stephen: 12, THAT YOUNG.
>> WHEN YOU'RE 12 OR 13.
THAT'S WHEN WE GOT A TELEVISION SET.
EVERYBODY ELSE HAD ONE.
THIS IS LONG AGO, CHILDREN.
( LAUGHTER ) SO WE GOT A TELEVISION SET.
AND THERE WAS THE "JACKIE GLEASON SHOW," "PLAYHOUSE 90,"
"THE UNITED STATES STEEL HOUR," AND ALL THESE THINGS LIVE.
>> Stephen: JACKIE GLEASON WAS IN THIS BUILDING.
>> I SAW IT THE NIGHT HE BROKE HIS LEG.
HE BROKE HIS LEG IN A SKIT, AND LITERALLY WAS PULLED OFF BEHIND
A FLAT BY CAST AND CREW.
I MEAN, IT WAS-- BROKE HIS LEG.
SO, ANYWAY, THAT WAS VERY EXCITING.
AND I THOUGHT-- ( LAUGHTER )
BUT, I MEAN, THERE WERE LITERARY DRAMAS ON THESE "PLAYHOUSE 90"
THINGS, AND THAT'S WHEN I SAW PEOPLE ACTING.
YOU KNOW, I I GUESS WAS 12, 13.
SERIOUS STUFF.
SO THAT'S WHEN I THOUGHT I WOULD DO IT.
WHEN YOU'RE YOUNG, YOU'RE AN IDIOT.
YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING.
I JUST FIGURED, I'M GOING TO DO THAT.
THERE WERE BOOKS ABOUT GREAT THEATRICAL PEOPLE, LIKE THE
LUNTZ-- YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW-- YOU DO?
>> SURE, WE'RE HAVING THE FONTAINES ON NEXT WEEK.
>> I WOULD READ ABOUT THEIR LIVES AND LOVED THE IDEA OF LIFE
IN THE THEATER.
AND WHEN I DID THE THEATER, I THOUGHT THIS IS JUST LIKE WHAT I
THOUGHT IT WAS GOING TO BE.
>> Stephen: WELL, IT'S SO LOVELY TO FIN FINALLY MEET YOU.
>> THANK YOU, I JUST LOVED IT.
ME, TOO.
>> Stephen: "THE CHAIR" IS STREAMING ON NETFLIX NOW.
HOLLAND TAYLOR, EVERYBODY.
AND THAT'S IT FOR "THE LATE SHOW."
TUNE IN TOMORROW.
MY GUESTS WILL BE SARAH PAULSON AND KACEY MUSGRAVES.
JAMES CORDON IS NEXT.
GOOD NIGHT!
♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE )