>> IT IS MEDICINE FOR HORSES, BIT THE MISSISSIPPI POISON
CONTROL CENTER HAS BEEN PELTED WITH CALLS FROM PEOPLE TAKING
IVERMECTIN IN A DANGEROUS ATTEMPT TO DODGE COVID.
AND OFFICIALS SAY 70% OBTAIN THE DRUG FROM ANIMAL SUPPLIES, TWO
PEOPLE HOSPITALIZED.
>> OKAY, STUDENTS, BEFORE WE BEGIN THE OPERATION, LET'S BRING
IN THE SPECIALIST.
( LAUGHTER ) HOW DO WE PROCEED, DOCTOR?
>> HAVE YOU TRIED IVERMECTIN?
IT WORKS FOR EVERYTHING-- HEART DISEASE, ENLARGED LIVER,
ATHLETE'S HOOF.
SO WHAT'S THE ISSUE HERE?
>> THE PATIENT HAS A BROKEN LEG.
>> THAT'S A DEATH SENTENCE.
GET THE SHOTGUN.
>> Announcer: IT'S "THE LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT."
TONIGHT: ARE
PLUS, STEPHEN WELCOMES: STEVE MARTIN
MARTIN SHORT AND SELENA GOMEZ
AND MUSICAL GUEST THE WAR ON DRUGS
FEATURING JON BATISTE AND STAY HUMAN.
AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK
CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: HELLO!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) HELLO, FRIENDS!
GOOD TO SEE YOU.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THANK YOU, FOLKS.
THANKS FOR BEING HERE.
WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
AND I-- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THANK YOU.
LOVELY TO BE BACK.
I'D LIKE TO START OFF BY WISHING ALL MY JEWISH VIEWERS A HAPPY
ROSH HASHANAH.
HERE'S HOPING 5782 TURNS OUT BETTER THAN 5781.
NOW, WE'VE BEEN OFF FOR TWO WEEKS.
AND WHILE WE WERE GONE THERE WAS THE CONTINUING PLAGUE,
WAR, FLOODS, FIRES.
IT'S LIKE THE END TIMES, OR AS THEY'RE NOW KNOWN, "THE
TIMES."
( LAUGHTER ) SO I KNOW EVERYONE WATCHING
TONIGHT AND THEY HAVE ONLY ONE QUESTION ON THEIR MIND: "WHAT
THE HELL IS GOING ON WITH MY UPPER LIP?"
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Jon: A-HA!
A-HA!
>> Stephen: WHICH BRINGS US TO A BREAKING MUSTACHE NEWSFLASH:
I'M SURE YOU HAVE A LOT OF QUESTIONS, QUESTIONS LIKE "WHY?"
( LAUGHTER ) AND "REALLY?"
AND "REALLY, WHY?" ( LAUGHTER )
WELL, IT'S KIND OF A COMPLICATED STORY.
I WENT ON VACATION, AND I DIDN'T SHAVE.
AND THEN I SHAVED THIS PART DOWN HERE.
NOW, THE REVERSE ABE LINCOLN HERE HAS NOT GONE OVER WELL WITH
SOME.
OR SO FAR, ANY.
FOR INSTANCE, MY EXECUTIVE PRODUCER CHRIS, WHO IS ALMOST
ANGRY AT MY FACE RIGHT NOW.
HE DOESN'T LIKE CHANGE.
HE'S LIKE A CHILD.
OF YOU WOULD LIKE ME TO SHAVE THIS OFF MY FACE, WOULDN'T YOU?
WHY IS THAT?
YOU THINK IT WILL LOSE VIEWERS IF I HAVE SOMETHING ON MY UPPER
LIP.
>> UNDOUBTEDLY.
>> Stephen: HOW MANY-- GIVE ME A ROUND ESTIMATE OF HOW MANY
VIEWERS THIS IS GOING TO COST ME TONIGHT?
>> THEY'RE TUNING OUT AS WE SPEAK.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stephen: GREAT.
I KIND OF LIKE THE WAY I LOOK WITH THIS THING, OKAY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YOU KNOW?
AT ANY GIVEN MOMENT, I MIGHT SAY, "DA BEARS."
( LAUGHTER ) OR "GET ME PICTURES OF THE
SPIDER-MAN.
WHERE'S PETER PARKER?
HE'S YOUR BUDDY, PETER."
OR POSSIBLY...
"LICENSE AND REGISTRATION.
DO YOU KNOW WHY I PULLED YOU OVER?
GET OUT OF THE CAR.
GET OUT OF THE CAR, PLEASE."
BUT I'M NOT HERE TO DIVIDE PEOPLE.
LET'S SETTLE THIS CONTROVERSY NOW.
BY APPLAUSE, WHO LIKES THE MUSTACHE?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: THAT'S NOT GOOD.
OKAY, BY APPLAUSE, WHO THINKS I SHOULD SHAVE IT OFF IN THE NEXT
COMMERCIAL BREAK?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) OKAY, OKAY.
WE'LL HAVE THOSE VOTES TABULATED, AND THE DECISION IS
GOING TO BE MADE BY THE SUPREME COURT-- BY WHICH, OF
COURSE, I MEAN MY WIFE, EVIE.
NOW, I'VE BEEN FOCUSING ON THE VACATION 'STACHE A LOT, MOSTLY
BECAUSE I'M AVOIDING ALL THE DARK NEWS OUT THERE THESE DAYS.
BUT OUR COMMITMENT AS A SHOW IS THAT WE TALK ABOUT WHATEVER THE
NATIONAL CONVERSATION IS.
BUT YOU DON'T WIN PEABODIES FOR DUCKING THE BIG ISSUES, WHICH IS
WHY I WANT TO GET RIGHT TO THE MOST IMPORTANT STORY: THERE'S A
TALKING DUCK IN AUSTRALIA!
( LAUGHTER ) WOW!
THIS IS HUGE NEWS FOR ANYONE WHO HAS NEVER HEARD OF PARROTS.
SO, WHAT DOES THIS TALKING DUCK SAY?
ACCORDING TO ONE RESEARCHER, IT REPEATS MANY THINGS THAT ITS
OWNER SAYS, INCLUDING THE PHRASE, "YOU BLOODY FOOL."
( LAUGHTER ) REMINDS ME OF THE OLD SAYING,
"IF IT WALKS LIKE A DUCK AND QUACKS LIKE A DUCK, IT'S NOT
THIS DUCK.
THIS ONE INSULTS YOU."
LET'S GIVE THE DUCK A LISTEN.
>> YOU BLOODY FOOL.
YOU BLOODY FOOL.
YOU BLOODY FOOOOL.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: HAUNTING.
HAUNTING AND HARSH.
COMPARE THAT TO HOW DUCKS INSULT YOU IN THE WILD:
>> YOU'RE DESPICABLE.
>> Stephen: AND IT'S NOT JUST WORDS.
THIS DUCK ALSO IMITATED OTHER NOISES, LIKE THE SOUNDS OF
A PONY SNORTING, A MAN COUGHING, AND A DOOR SLAMMING.
HE LEARNED THAT LAST SOUND FROM THE REPEATED TIMES HE OVERHEARD
THE RESEARCHER ASK A WOMAN, "WANNA SEE MY TALKING DUCK?"
WHILE WE WERE AWAY, HURRICANE IDA DEVASTATED LOUISIANA, WHERE
OVER A MILLION RESIDENTS LOST ELECTRICITY, AND SOME COULD BE
LOOKING AT MORE THAN THREE WEEKS BEFORE POWER IS RESTORED.
MEANWHILE, HERE IN NEW YORK, IDA DUMPED A RECORD 3.15 INCHES OF
RAIN IN JUST ONE HOUR IN CENTRAL PARK, TOPPING THE PREVIOUS HIGH
OF 1.94 INCHES IN AN HOUR SET JUST 11 DAYS EARLIER DURING
HURRICANE HENRI.
ON THE UPSIDE, THE CENTRAL PARK ZOO IS NOW AN AQUARIUM.
THOUGH, IT WAS VERY TOUGH TO GET A SNORKEL ON THE LION.
OVER AT NEWARK AIRPORT, FLIGHTS WERE DELAYED, AND THE BAGGAGE
ROOM WAS FLOODED.
SO, PRETTY GOOD DAY AT NEWARK AIRPORT.
NOW, YOU KNOW THE CLIMATE CRISIS IS BAD WHEN THE
ONCE-IN-A-CENTURY GLOBAL PANDEMIC IS THE SECOND BIGGEST
STORY OF THE DAY.
IN THAT REGARD THINGS ARE NOT GETTING GOOD.
U.S. COVID HOSPITALIZATIONS HAVE MORE THAN DOUBLED SINCE LAST
LABOR DAY, DUE TO THE DELTA VARIANT.
THAT'S THE REASON WHY MY ENTIRE AUDIENCE IS NOW MASKED UP LIKE
A BUNCH OF SURGEONS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YEAH, THANK YOU.
SAFETY FIRST.
IF ANY OF YOU ARE ACTUALLY DOCTORS, IF YOU COULD STICK
AROUND AFTER THE SHOW, I HAVE A HIDEOUS GROWTH I NEED REMOVED
FROM MY UPPER LIP.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
UNFORTUNATELY-- ( APPLAUSE )
WE'LL GET THERE.
THANK YOU.
UNFORTUNATELY, THANKS TO FEAR-MONGERING AND
MISINFORMATION, A LOT OF PEOPLE STILL AREN'T GETTING VACCINATED.
IN FACT, WALGREENS, CVS, RITE AID AND STATE GOVERNMENTS HAVE
THROWN OUT OVER 15 MILLION DOSES OF WASTED COVID-19 VACCINES.
BUT THAT DOES MEAN 15 MILLION COVID-IMMUNE DUMPSTER RATS.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE
ANTI-VAXXERS BEING UNPROTECTED.
BECAUSE THEY HAVE FOUND A NEW DRUG THAT ALSO DOES NOT PROTECT
THEM.
IT'S CALLED IVERMECTIN, WHICH IS A HORSE DEWORMER.
SO YOU WILL PROBABLY STILL GET COVID, BUT ON THE BRIGHT SIDE,
YOU COULD WIN THE PREAKNESS.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
PROPONENTS SAY...
( APPLAUSE ) THERE YOU GO.
SURE.
WHY NOT?
GIDDY-UP.
PROPONENTS SAY THE SCIENCE BEHIND IVERMECTIN IS CLEAR.
IN FACT, WE'VE BEEN SENT A DEMONSTRATION OF JUST HOW IT
DEFENDS YOUR BLOODSTREAM FROM THE VIRUS.
♪ ♪ ♪ ( LAUGHTER )
SO IVERMECTIN IS INEFFECTIVE AGAINST COVID.
AND WHEN USED INCORRECTLY, IT CAN KILL YOU.
WORST OF ALL, IT TASTES YUCKY LUCKILY, THE INTERNET IS LOADED
WITH ADVICE ON HOW TO MAKE IT MORE PALATABLE, INCLUDING MIXING
IT WITH JELLIES OR EATING IT AS A SANDWICH.
OR THROW IT ON YOUR ROAST BEEF.
TECHNICALLY, IT IS HORSEY SAUCE.
ONE COMMENTER EXPLAINED, "I TAKE IT BY HIDING IT IN A BANANA."
IS THAT WHAT IT TAKES TO GET YOU TO ACCEPT ACTUAL MEDICINE?
IN THAT CASE, CAN I INTEREST YOU IN A DELICIOUS BANANA?
THIS-- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THE TERRIBLE TASTE LED ONE FACEBOOK USER TO ASK, "CAN I
SQUEEZE THE PASTE INTO MY ANUS INSTEAD OF MY MOUTH?"
LAST TIME I CHECKED, THIS WAS AMERICA-- YOU BET YOU CAN.
IN FACT-- ( LAUGHTER )
CAN THEY?
THEY CAN?
EVIDENTLY, YOU CAN.
IN FACT, IT SAYS RIGHT ON THE LABEL: "FOR A HORSE'S ASS."
IN LIGHTER NEWS, "ROE V. WADE" IS DEAD IN TEXAS.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) ABORTION CAN BE A CHALLENGING
SUBJECT TO TALK ABOUT, ESPECIALLY ON A COMEDY SHOW.
INSTEAD, I'LL LET THIS EXPERT GIVE HIS OPINION OF THE MAN WHO
SIGNED THIS LAW, TEXAS GOVERNOR GREG ABBOTT:
>> YOU BLOODY FOOL.
LAUGH LAW ENFORCEMENT ( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: HOWEVER YOU FEEL ABOUT ABORTION-- AND YOU DO--
WHAT THE TEXAS LEGISLATURE DID HERE IS CRAZY.
OKAY, HERE'S THE DETAILS: ON SEPTEMBER 1st, A NEW LAW WENT
INTO EFFECT IN TEXAS THAT BANS ABORTIONS AS EARLY AS SIX
WEEKS-- A PERIOD BEFORE MANY WOMEN REALIZE THEY ARE PREGNANT.
NORMALLY, A BROAD LIKE THAT WOULD LIKELY GET SHOT DOWN BY
THE PRECEDENT OF ROE V. WADE, WHICH, WHILE CONTROVERSIAL, HAS
BEEN THE SETTLED LAW OF THE LAND FOR 50 YEARS.
SO KNOWING THAT, TEXAS REPUBLICANS CRAFTED THIS LAW TO
AVOID JUDICIAL REVIEW ENTIRELY.
IN RESPONSE TO THIS CLEAR END-RUN AROUND OUR JUDICIAL
SYSTEM, THE SUPREME COURT SAID, "I LIKE BEER."
( LAUGHTER ) BECAUSE LAST WEDNESDAY, IN A 5-4
DECISION, THE CONSERVATIVE MAJORITY OF THE COURT SAID THEY
HAD, "SERIOUS QUESTIONS REGARDING THE CONSTITUTIONALITY
OF THE TEXAS LAW," BUT WOULDN'T BLOCK IT DUE TO
"COMPLEX" AND "NOVEL" PROCEDURAL QUESTIONS.
BUT ISN'T ANSWERING COMPLEX AND NOVEL PROCEDURAL QUESTIONS ALL
WE PAY YOU KNUCKLEHEADS TO DO ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR JOB IS,
HERE'S THE UNPRECEDENTED LEGAL SHENANIGANS THAT
SUPPOSEDLY THREW THESE LEGAL GENIUSES: INSTEAD OF ANY
GOVERNMENT AGENT IN TEXAS BEING ASKED TO ENFORCE THE NEW LAW,
TEXAS NOW DEPUTIZES PRIVATE CITIZENS TO BRING CIVIL SUITS
AGAINST ANYONE WHO ASSISTS A PREGNANT PERSON SEEKING AN
ABORTION.
AND "ANYONE" MEANS ANYONE.
AS ONE LAW PROFESSOR EXPLAINED, "IF THE BARISTA AT STARBUCKS
OVERHEARS YOU TALKING ABOUT YOUR ABORTION, AND IT WAS PERFORMED
AFTER SIX WEEKS, THAT BARISTA IS AUTHORIZED TO SUE THE CLINIC
WHERE YOU OBTAINED THE ABORTION AND TO SUE ANY OTHER PERSON WHO
HELPED YOU."
WELL, I HOPE TEXAS IS READY FOR SOME DRAMATIC TESTIMONY FROM
BARISTAS, LIKE "I HEARD JEEMES HELPED SERMERNTHA GET AN ARBOR
DAY."
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, FAMOUSLY, WE ALL KNOW, YOU
DON'T MESS WITH TEXAS, BUT APPARENTLY IT'S COOL TO NARC ON
TEXANS, BECAUSE THE LAW ENCOURAGES INFORMANTS TO
SUE, PROMISING THEY CAN RECOVER LEGAL FEES, AS WELL AS $10,000,
IF THEY WIN.
THEY'RE INCENTIVIZING NEIGHBORS TO TURN ON EACH OTHER FOR CASH.
BAD NEWS FOR FANS OF PRIVACY RIGHTS, BUT GREAT NEWS FOR "THE
HANDMAID'S TALE," WHO JUST GOT A LATE EMMY NOMINATION FOR BEST
DOCUMENTARY.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
MY GUESTS ARE STEVE MARTIN, MARTIN SHORT, AND SELENA GOMEZ.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, JON AND I PROVIDE A VITAL COMMUNITY
SERVICE, THROUGH THE POWER OF SONG!
STICK AROUND.
♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY,
GIVE IT UP FOR JON BATISTE AND STAY HUMAN!
THERE YOU GO!
JON... JON, WE GOT IN JUST A MOMENT HERE, WE'VE GOT THREE
GIANTS COMING OUT HERE.
WE'VE GOT STEVE MARTIN.
WE'VE GOT MARTIN SHORT, AND SELENA GOMEZ.
JON, I WANT TO ASK YOU ABOUT YOUR FAMILY AND FRIENDS DOWN IN
LOUISIANA.
I KNOW THEY GOT HIT SO FAR, THE WHOLE STATE DID, THE WHOLE GULF
COAST DID BY IDA.
ARE THEY OKAY DOWN THERE?
>> MY FOLKS ARE DOING OKAY.
MY EXTENDED FAMILY IS OKAY.
WE'RE BLESSED.
I ENCOURAGEEB TO DONATE.
PEOPLE ARE STILL STRUGGLING, POWER IS STILL OFF.
PEOPLE ARE STILL TRYING TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO GET BACK.
MY FAMILY IS STILL IN ALABAMA, SCATTERED ALL OVER THE
SOUTHEAST.
SO WE'RE OKAY, BUT WE'VE JUST GOT TO KEEP FIGHTING, YOU KNOW.
>> Stephen: AND THAT STORM CAME UP AND DEVASTATED PARTS OF
THE NORTHEAST UP HERE.
>> Jon: OH, YEAH.
>> Stephen: AT LEAST 43 PEOPLE HAVE DIED, AND THERE'S JUST
DEVASTATION ALL OVER THE AREA.
AND IF YOU WANT TO HELP THOSE AFFECTED, AND I KNOW YOU DO, WE
WILL HAVE POSTED CHARITIES HELPING BOTH THE GULF COAST AND
THE NORTHEAST ON "THE LATE SHOW'S"" TWITTER PAGE TONIGHT.
CHECK IT OUT, PLEASE.
NOW, JON-- ( APPLAUSE )
I WANT TO GET TO AN IMPORTANT STORY THAT PEOPLE ARE TALKING
ABOUT.
WHAT DO YOU-- WHAT DO YOU MAKE OF MY MUSTACHE, JON?
>> Jon: YOU KNOW -- >> Stephen: CAN WE GET A
SLIGHT CLOSER SHOT.
>> Jon: WHEN YOU CAME EARLIER TODAY I SAW IT, I THOUGHT YOU
WERE PREPARING FOR A ROLE THAT YOU DIDN'T TELL ME ABOUT.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stephen: YES, I'M GOING TO PLAY THE YOUNG CAPTAIN KANGAROO.
IT IS-- IT'S SO WHITE, IT-- IT DOESN'T REALLY SHOW UP ON CAMERA
VERY WELL.
>> Jon: I COULDN'T SEE IT IN PERSON.
THAT'S WHY-- ( LAUGHTER )
I HAD TO COME UP-- ( APPLAUSE )
AND SEE WHAT WAS HAPPENING.
>> Stephen: DO YOU LIKE IT?
DO YOU LIKE IT?
I JUST WANT TO KNOW IF YOU LIKE IT?
>> Jon: IT'S NEW FOR ME.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: NOW, WAIT A SECOND, JON!
WHEN-- WHEN-- WHEN-- A WOMAN IN YOUR FAMILY GETS A HAIRCUT,
LET'S SAY, OR A LOVED ONE GETS A HAIRCUT, DO YOU SAY, "THIS IS MU
TO ME," OR "I LOVE IT."
>> Jon: OH, I LOVE IT.
>> Stephen: THIS IS TECHNICALLY HAIR.
>> Jon: YES.
>> Stephen: THAT I HAVE CUT ON MOI FACE.
SO LET ME ASK YOU ONE MORE TIME, JON, WHAT DO YOU THINK OF MY
MUSTACHE.
>> Jon: YEAH, YEAH.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stephen: YOU'RE MISSING-- YOU'RE MISSING THE SOCIAL CLUES
HERE, JON.
YOU'RE MISSING-- >> Jon: IT REMINDS ME OF A
FULL BEARD.
>> Stephen: I USED TO HAVE A FULL BEARD.
>> Jon: I'M USED TO THE BEARD WHEN YOU GO HERE.
THIS IS NEW TO SEE -- >> Stephen: I HAVE NEVER
ATTEMPTED THIS BEFORE.
I AM BEGINNING TO SEE WHY.
( LAUGHTER ) ANYWAY, I LIKE IT.
NOT HAVING BRAWLD SHOULDERS AND THIN HIMSELF, IN THE THE
SECONDARY MALE SEX CHARACTERISTIC TO LET EVERYONE
KNOW THAT I'M A BOY.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
NOW, AS I MENTIONED EARLIER, JON, THE DELTA VARIANT IS
SURGING AND THE COVID CASES CONTINUE TO RISE.
ON THE ONE HAND, EXPERTS SAY SMALL GROUPS OF ALL-VACCINATED
PEOPLE IS A SAFE WAY TO SOCIALIZE.
ON THE OTHER HAND, I DON'T WANT TO.
AND I'VE BEGUN TO FIND MYSELF RUNNING OUT OF EXCUSES.
WHAT ABOUT YOU, JON?
DO YOU ALWAYS HAVE EXCUSES AT HAND WHEN SOMEBODY INVITES YOU
TO GO SOMEPLACE.
>> Jon: OH, YEAH, YOU HAVE TO HAVE YOUR EXCUSES READY.
>> Stephen: JON AND I ARE GOING TO HELP YOU OUT TONIGHT.
WE RECORDED A JAM THAT WILL MAKE YOU DANCE AND GET OUT OF ALL THE
EXCUSES YOU NEED TO GO TO A DANCE.
JIM, LET'S HELP SOME PEOPLE.
♪ ALL MY FRIENDS ARE VACCINATED THEY WANT TO HIT THE DANCE FLOOR
♪ BUT I DON'T WANT TO PUT ON MY OUTSIDE CLOTHES
♪ I GOT A LOT OF INVITES TO IINGS NOR
♪ SO IF YOU'RE JUST LIKE ME IF YOU'RE JUST LIKE ME
♪ LET ME AND MY CREW TELL YOU WHAT TO DO
IF YOU DON'T WANT TO SEE NOBODY ♪ HIM THEM THE FOUR EXCUSES
♪ ONE >> YOUR FRIENDS WILL RESPECT
YOUR CHOICE AND IF YOU DON'T, STEPHEN COLBERT AND JON BATISTE
HAVE EXCUSES.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
>> Stephen: YOU'RE WELCOME.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH SELENA GOMEZ, MARTIN SHORT, AND STEVE
♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: OH, HEY,
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY!
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I'M SO HAPPY FOR YOU, BECAUSE YOU KNOW
MY GUESTS TONIGHT AS TWO BELOVED COMEDY LEGENDS AND ONE OF THE
MOST POPULAR SINGERS TODAY.
THEY ARE TEAMING UP TO SOLVE A MURDER IN THEIR NEW SERIES,
"ONLY MURDERS IN THE BUILDING."
>> OLIVER?
>> I'M IN HERE!
>> HEY, WHAT HAPPENED?
ARE YOU OKAY?
>> THE KILLER POISONED MY DOG.
>> WHAT?
>> MY SON HAS HER HELP HE'S A VET.
SHE RECOVERED, THANK GOD.
BUT, CLEARLY, WE ARE GETTING CLOSER.
THEY'RE SENDING A MESSAGE TO THE LEADER.
>> IS THE LEADER YOU?
>> DID THEY POISON YOUR DOG?
THEY LEFT THIS.
>> "I'M THE PODCASTER."
>> WHAT IF WINNIE HAD DIED?
IT WOULD BE ME AGAIN AND MY STUPID... DAMN VISIONARY
AMBITIONS.
>> OKAY, WHOEVER POISONED WINNIE CLEARLY KILLED TIM, SO WHO DID
THIS?
>> GATHER AROUND, I'M GOING TO RORD THIS.
SO, I KNOW THIS SEEMS IMPOSSIBLE.
IT'S BANANAS, BUT I THINK THERE'S A VERY STRONG CHANCE
THAT THE PERSON WHO POISONED WINNIE WAS-- AND THIS GIVES ME
NO PLEASURE IN SAYING THIS-- MUSIC SUPER STAR STING.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> THE GUY FROM U2?
>> Stephen: PLEASE WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW," STEVE MARTIN,
MARTIN SHORT, AND SELENA GOMEZ!
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: HELLO.
>> STEPHEN!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
♪ ♪ ♪ >> THANK YOU SO MUCH!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: STANDING OVATION.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: SO NICE TO HAVE
YOU ON.
STEVE, ALWAYS GOOD TO SEE YOU.
MARTY, LOVELY TO SEE YOU AGAIN.
SELENA, NICE TO MEET YOU.
THANKS FOR BEING ON.
IT'S THE FIRST TIME WE'VE HAD A CHANCE TO DAWK.
>> IT IS.
I'M SO EXCITED.
A BIG FAN.
>> YOU LOOK FANTASTIC, BY THE WAY.
>> Stephen: THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
>> YOU HAVE THAT-- THAT -- >> Stephen: THANK YOU.
>> THAT THIRD COVID SHOT BLOW.
THE BOOSTER GLOW THEY CALL IT.
>> Stephen: THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
>> AND THIS IS RIGHT OUT OF THE FREE PARKING GUY FROM MONOPOLY,
WHICH I LIKE.
>> Stephen: UNCHGEM PENNYBAGS.
>> SORRY, YOU'LL GET TO SPEAK IN A MINUTE.
I HAVE A THEOR ABOUT YOUR MUSTACHE.
WHICH IS YOUR HAIR APPEARS VERY DARK AND STARTS TO GET GRAY AND
COMES OUT REALLY GRAY.
AND I'M ASSUMING THAT YOUR BODY HAIR JUST GETS GRAYER AND
GRAYER.
>> Stephen: FROM THE NECK DOWN, I'M ANDERSON COOPER.
>> NO, YOU LOOK REALLY GOOD.
>> Stephen: THANK YOU, SO DO YOU.
>> YOU LOOK LIKE-- YOU LOOK LIKE A MATURE BOB SAGET, AND I ALWAYS
WANTED YOU TO LOOK THAT WAY.
>> Stephen: THANK YOU QUITE A MUCH.
THAT'S QUITE A COMPLIMENT.
>> WE CAN CUT THAT, AND THAT.
>> THIS WAS MY LIFE EVERY DAY FOR FIVE MONTHS.
>> Stephen: THE NEW SHOW "ONLY MURDERS IN THE BUILDING" IS
GETTING GREAT REVIEWS.
CONGRATULATIONS ON THAT.
>> THANK YOU ( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: FIRST OF ALL, HOW
HAVE YOU ENJOYED THE RESPONSE?
>> PERSONALLY, I'M-- >> FANTASTIC.
>> I MEAN, I THINK THEY'RE-- I DON'T KNOW.
I WAS SHOCKED.
>> YOU WERE SHOCKED?
>> Stephen: SHOCKED PEOPLE ENJOYED YOUR SHOW.
>> YOU THOUGHT PEOPLE WOULD HATE US?
>> A LITTLE BIT.
>> YOU ALWAYS LOVE GETTING A GOOD RESPONSE TO THE SHOW.
AND MARTY GOT THE REVIEW OF HIS LIFETIME IN THE "NEW YORK
TIMES," AND WHEN I READ IT, I WAS SO PROUD.
AND ALSO SHOCKED.
( LAUGHTER ) BECAUSE I WAS THERE.
( LAUGHTER ) >> I WENT INTO YOUR TRAILER
AFTER YOU HAD READ IT AND YOU WERE BREATHING IN THAT BAG.
I REMEMBER THAT.
>> Stephen: STEVE, BESIDES BEING ONE OF THE STARS, YOU ALSO
CREATED "ONLY MURDERS IN THE BUILDING."
HOW DID THIS IDEA COME ABOUT?
>> I COCREATED IT WITH A GREAT WRITER NAMED JOHN HOFFMAN, AND
WE HAVE SOME AGREEMENT WRITERS ON THE SHOW.
>> Stephen: THEY'RE NOT HERE SO I'M GOING TO GIVE ALL THE
CREDITS TO YOU.
>> YOU NEED A LONGER SOFA.
I JUST HAD THIS THOUGHT OVER 10 YEARS AGO.
AND IT WAS FOR THREE OLDER GUYS WHO LIVE IN A BUILDING IN NEW
YORK WHO REALIZE THEY HAVE A COMMON INTEREST IN SOLVING
CRIME.
BUT BECAUSE THEY'RE OLD, THEY DON'T WANT TO GO OUTSIDE THE
BUILDING BECAUSE IT'S TOO TIRING.
SO THEY DECIDE THEY'LL JUST DO ONLY MURDERS IN THE BUILDING.
( LAUGHTER ) SO-- AND THEN, YOU KNOW, I JUST
KEPT THIS IDEA IN MY HEAD FOR 10 YEARS.
AND THEN I WAS EXPLAINING IT TO MARTY ONE DAY, AND HE SAID, "YOU
KNOW, WE'RE OLD."
( LAUGHTER ) AND THEN SELENA CAME ALONG,
SOMEBODY'S BRILLIANT IDEA.
>> IT'S AN AMAZING SHOW.
IT'S VERY MUCH LIKE STEVE AT THE URINAL IN THAT IT STREAMS FOR--
IT STREAMS FOR 35 MINUTES, YOU KNOW
( LAUGHTER ) THANK YOU.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
>> Stephen: 10 TIMES A SEASON.
>> 10 TIMES A SEASON.
>> Stephen: WERE YOU FAMILIAR WITH THESE GUYS' WORK BEFORE--
DID YOU KNOW WHO ED GRIMLY WAS, FOR INSTANCE?
>> NO.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> YEAH, BUT I, OBVIOUSLY, KNEW "FATHER OF THE BRIDE," "THREE
AMIGOS," "DIRTY ROTTEN SCOUNDRELS."
( APPLAUSE ).
>> WHEN WE MET IN THE HALLWAY, SHE CAME UP TO ME AND SAID, "I'M
SO HONORED TO MEET YOU, ANGELA LANSBURY.
>> Stephen: WHAT WAS YOUR FIRST IMPRESSION OF SELENA,
MARTY?
>> I MET HER IN THE MAKEUP CHAIR THE FIRST DAY WE SHOT.
AND I WAS RIGHT AWAY STRUCK BY THIS BEAUTIFUL, ENGAGING, AND
RIGHT AWAY CHARMING PERSON.
>> Stephen: REALLY?
>> IT WAS A-- IT WAS A VERY EASY SHOOT THAT WAY.
BECAUSE WE ALL-- I THINK THE THREE OF US LIKE TO WORK IN
GREAT EAVES, AND SHE WENT RIGHT ALONG.
I DIDN'T KNOW HER.
YOU COULD HAVE BEEN HORRIBLE.
>> I KNOW.
I'M GLAD I'M NOT.
>> NO, NO.
>> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE A QUICK BREAK, BUT STICK AROUND.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE STEVE MARTIN, MARTIN SHORT, AND
SELENA GOMEZ, EVERYBODY.
>> Stephen: HEY EVERYBODY!
WE'RE BACK WITH THE STARS OF "ONLY MURDERS IN THE BUILDING,"
SELENA GOMEZ, STEVE MARTIN AND MARTIN SHORT.
SELENA, YOU'RE 29, RIGHT?
>> YES.
>> Stephen: AND STEVE YOU ARE OLDER THAN THAT.
AND-- >> LIL BIT.
>> I'M 92, EXACTLY INVERSE.
>> Stephen: DO YOU GUYS SENSE THE GENERATIONAL DIVIDE?
>> THERE WAS NO GENERATION GAP.
IN THE MORNING SHE COMES OUT AND SHE PUTS OUT OUR PILLS.
>> YEAH, IT'S NICE.
>> Stephen: THAT'S REALLY NICE.
INTO A LITTLE BOX.
>> THAT'S REALLY SAD.
>> NO, YOU KNOW, TELL THEM ABOUT THE "W.A.P." STORY.
>> OH, WELL, YOU PRONOUNCED IT PROPERLY.
I ENJOYED, OBVIOUSLY LISTENING TO ALL THE MUSIC THAT WE WOULD
ALL LISTEN TO, BILLIE HOLIDAY, JONI MITCHELL, LOUIE ARMSTRONG.
BUT I DECIDED ONE DAY, I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE COOL TO JUST PLAYED
"W.A.P.".
>> (AUDIENCE MEMBER) YEAH!
>> AND-- AND-- AND THEN IT HAPPENED.
>> Stephen: YOU PLAYED IT FOR THEM?
>> YES, THEY WERE AT FIRST VERY CONFUSED AT FIRST.
BUT THEN THEY WERE ON BOARD WITH THE FEMALE EMPOWERMENT PART.
>> IT WAS FANTASTIC, SHE WAS READING THE LYRICS TO STEVE AND
THEY WERE BOTH GOING HYSTERICAL.
THEN I WAS CALLED TO THE SET.
AND THEN STEVE CAME UP TEN MINUTES LATER SAYING, "MARTY, I
JUST HEARD THREE NEW VERSES TO "NEW WHITE TOP HAT AND TAILS."
( LAUGHS ) >> I KNOW.
>> Stephen: BUT YOU EXPLAINED SOME TERMINOLOGY THAT PERHAPS
WAS NOT IN THEIR VOCABULARY.
>> WE HAD, YOU KNOW...
>> I THINK YOU'D BE SURPRISED.
( LAUGHS ) WHEN YOU PLAYED THE SONG FOR ME,
I KNEW SONGS LIKE THAT EXISTED, BECAUSE THEY GO BACK TWENTY
YEARS, EVEN THIRTY YEARS.
I DIDN'T KNOW: THEY WERE NUMBER 1.
( LAUGHS ) >> THOSE SONGS GO BACK THIRTY
YEARS?
>> OOOOH... I'LL TELL YOU LATER.
>> Stephen: WE HAVE A CLIP HERE WHERE YOU EXPLAIN TO THEM WHAT
AN O.G. IS?
>> YES.
IN-- IN THE SCENE, SOMEONE SAYS "YOU'RE AN O.G.." AND STEVE
WALKS UP TO ME AND SAYS, WHAT DOES AN O.G. MEAN?
AND I SAID IT MEANS "ORIGINAL GANGSTER."
HE SAID, "OKAY.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?" AND I POINT TO YOU AND TO HIM
AND I SAY, WELL THAT'S YOU, YOU'RE THE O.G.s.
SO, THEY GOT IT AND I TOOK A LITTLE VIDEO OF THEM TRYING DO
IT, AND THEY DON'T LOOK THAT COOL DOING IT.
>> Stephen: HERE'S A CLIP OF THE VOCABULARY SINKING IN:
>> OKAY.
SO, WHAT ARE WE?
JUST TALK.
>> WE'RE THE O.G.s.
>> YES.
STEVE?
ARE YOU AN O.G.?
>> I AM SUCH AN O.G..
>> NO, YOU DON'T HIT THE "G" LIKE THAT.
IT'S NOT "G-E-E" (LILTING) "OH, GEE."
IT'S NOT THAT.
>> OH.
( LAUGHS ) >> WE'RE THE O.G.s.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> YOU KNOW WHAT?
>> Stephen: YOU ARE THE O.G.s, YOU KNOW THAT.
YOU ARE THE O.G.s.
>> YOU KNOW, MEGAN THEE STALLION WROTE A SONG FOR STEVE BECAUSE
AS YOU KNOW, HE IS VERY PALE.
IN FACT, HE PLAYED ALL THE CHALK OUTLINES ON THE SHOW, WHICH IS
INTERESTING.
HE CAN NOT WEAR HIS SKIN PAST LABOR DAY- TOO WHITE.
BUT, YOU KNOW, SHE WROTE A SONG CALLED... EH... "WHITE ASS
PERSON," SO WE KNOW A LITTLE BIT ABOUT WHAT'S GOING ON.
>> Stephen: NOW THERE'S BEEN A LOT OF TEXTING GOING ON IN THE
SHOW, DO YOU HAVE YOUR OWN TEXT CHAIN BETWEEN THE TREE OF YOU?
>> NOPE, IT'S STRICTLY EMAILS WITH THESE GUYS.
>> Stephen: ROTARY PHONES.
>> AND THEY DO SIGN IT.
STEVE MARTIN... THANK YOU.
I KNOW.
>> BUT WHEN WE STARTED COMMUNICATING WE WERE USING PAY
PHONES.
>> YUP.
>> Stephen: IS THERE AND TRADITIONS ON SET EVERYDAY?
I UNDERSTAND THERE IS ONE MARTY DOES FOR YOU.
>> IT'S MY ABSOLUTE FAVORITE.
I LOVE WHEN WE GET TO READ THE NEWS TOGETHER.
THEY JUST GO BOUNCING BACK AND FORTH WITH ALL THESE DIFFERENT
HEADLINES.
AND I LEARN A LOT.
>> LIKE WHO'S PRESIDENT.
>> YEAH.
( LAUGHS ) >> YOU KEPT SAYING, WE FOUGHT
GERMANY TWICE?" >> (EMBARRASSED LAUGH)
SHUT UP!
I DIDN'T >> HERE'S SOME OF THE HEADLINES,
WE BROUGHT SOME.
>> WHAT?
>> WHAT.
>> NO, WE BROGHT SOME OF THEM.
I KNOW I GET THEM FROM THE POST.
>> IS JILL BIDEN MORE LIKE KENDALL OR KYLIE?
MATT GAETZ TESTS POSITIVE FOR "COVID-I-THOUGHT-SHE-WAS-19."
(PIANO RIFF) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> WANT TO TRY ONE?
>> NO GO AHEAD.
>> NEVER STAND BEHIND GWENNETH PALTROW DURING A CLEANSE.
THESE WERE HEADLINES, ACTUAL HEADLINES.
>> Stephen: NOW, THAT LAST ONE IS NEW YOU CAN USE, IS WHAT THAT
LAST ONE WAS.
>> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE A QUICK BREAK, BUT WHEN I COME
BACK, I WILL ASK THE TRIO WHO WOULD BE MOST LIKELY TO MURDER
SOMEONE.
STICK AROUND.
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY.
WE'RE BACK WITH STEVE MARTIN, MARTIN SHORT, AND SELENA GOMEZ.
THE CHARACTERS ON THE SHOW ARE OBSESSED WITH TRUE CRIME LIKE A
LOT OF PEOPLE ARE.
ARE ANY OF YOU OBSESSED WITH TRUE CRIME STORIES?
YOU ARE.
BOTH OF YOU.
YOU ENJOY LISTENING TO, LIKE-- >> I DO.
>> I'LL GO FIRST AND THEN YOU GO.
>> OKAY, THANK YOU.
>> LAST SUMMER, THERE'S A PODCAST I LISTEN TO.
I WON'T MENTION-- MAYBE I SHOULD MENTION THE NAME.
IT'S AUSTRALIAN.
IT'S CALLED "CASE FILE," AND I LOVE IT.
THE NARRATOR IS AN INDUSTRIALIAN AND IT'S VERY COMPELLING.
AND THE LAST SUMMER I PUT ON MY HEADPHONES, OPEN, OPEN, SO I
COULD HEAR TRAFFIC AND LISTENED TO 1 PEAPT PODCASTS OF THIS
THING.
>> SO YOU HAVE SOME TIME ON YOUR HANDS.
>> YES ( LAUGHTER ).
>> MY MOM AND I WENT TO CRIMECON, WHICH I DIDN'T KNOW
WHAT WAS A THING BUT I WAS SO EXCITED.
>> Stephen: WHAT IS CRIMECON?
>> YOU GET TO GO TO A PLACE WHERE THERE ARE OTHER PEOPLE
LIKE YOU AND WANT TO SOLVE A CASE.
>> YOU KNOW, LIKE BIG STARS.
>> Stephen: SURE.
AND DO ANY OF YOU THINK YOU WOULD BE A GOOD MURDERER?
>> UM, I THINK I WOULD BE PRETTY GOOD.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: WHO IS MOST LIKELY
TO MURDER SOMEONE, OF THE THREE OF YOU?
>> I THINK SELENA.
>> OH!
>> YEAH, YEAH.
>> Stephen: NO ONE WOULD SUSPECT YOU.
NO ONE WOULD SUSPECT YOU AT ALL.
>> TOO INNOCENT.
>> "OH, WHAT, OFFICER?" I ACTUALLY, WHEN I'M-- I'M
CONSTANTLY THINKING-- BECAUSE I'VE BEEN INTO TRUE CRIME-- I'M
ALWAYS THINKING, GOING AROUND THE CITY THINKING, "WHAT'S MY
ALIBI RIGHT NOW?" WHEN I'M IN MY CAR, MY G.P.S.,
THEY CAN SAY, "LOOK, HE WAS HERE."
MY PHONE, "AND HE WAS THERE AND IT HIT OFF THAT CELL TOWER.
OH, WHAT DO YOU KNOW, THERE'S A CCTV THERE.
I'LL LOOK INTO THAT."
THEY ALWAYS WILL KNOW WHERE I WAS.
>> Stephen: THAT'S HARDER TO DO NOW BECAUSE YOU'RE WEARING A
MASK ALL THE TIME.
ON THE CCTV, THEY WILL SAY THAT'S YOU, AND YOU WILL SAY HOW
DO YOU KNOW BECAUSE I'M WEARING A MASK.
>> RIGHT AFTER THE SHOW, I'M GOING TO MURDER.
>> Stephen: LOVELY TO SEE YOU.
COME BACK, OR INDIVIDUALLY.
>> HOW LONG IS THIS -- >> Stephen: IT LASTS AS LONG
UNTIL MY WIFE, EVIE, CAN GET HER HANDS ON IT.
SHE'S WAITING AT HOME WITH AN ELECTRIC AZOR.
>> YOU KNOW WHAT I WOULD WANT YOU TO DO?
NOBODY WOULD CATCH ON.
JUST PUT A LITTLE DARKER COLOR IN IT.
>> Stephen: JUST COLOR IT IN A LITTLE BIT.
>> AND SAY, "YOU WON'T BELIEVE WHAT HAPPENED OVERNIGHT?"
>> BUT DYE YOUR HAIR WHITE.
>> Stephen: IF YOU COLOR IT IN, I'M LOOK LIKE TED LASSO.
"ONLY MURDERS IN THE BUILDING" SELL ON HULY.
>> HAVE YOU SEEN IT YES?
>> Stephen: OF COURSE I HAVE.
STEVE MARTIN, MARTIN SHORT, AND SELENA GOMEZ, EVERYBODY!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH A PERFORMANCE BY THE WAR ON DRUGS.
PROOF" FROM THEIR FORTHCOMING ALBUM, "I DON'T LIVE HERE
ANYMORE, THE WAR ON DRUGS!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪ ♪ ♪
♪ BANGING ON A DRUM YOU TURN, YOU LOSE
♪ MAYBE I'M THE LIVING PROOF WHAT HAVE I BEEN RUNNING FROM?
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
♪ I WENT DOWN TO THE CORNER THEY'RE BUILDING AT MY BLOCK
♪ MAYBE I'VE BEEN GONE TOO LONG I CAN'T GO BACK
♪ OH, LONESOME I WILL PROTECT
♪ I'LL KEEP IMPROVING TAKING ME HOME
♪ I'M ALWAYS CHANGING NOW I SUPPOSE
♪ I'M ONLY MOVING I'M IN CHICAGO
♪ COME TO ME NOW I KNOW THE PATH
♪ I KNOW IT'S CHANGING I KNOW THE PAIN
♪ THE PAIN YOU'VE BEEN FEELING I'VE BEEN TO THE PLACE
♪ THAT YOU'VE TRIED ESCAPING I CAN'T RECALL
♪ WHAT I BELIEVE IN I'M ALWAYS CHANGING
♪ LOVE OVERFLOWING AND I'M RISING
♪ AND I'M DAMAGED OH, RISING
♪ OOO ♪ ♪ ♪
♪ ♪ ♪
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: "THE WAR ON DRUGS," EVERYBODY!
THAT'S IT FOR "THE LATE SHOW."
TUNE IN TOMORROW WHEN MY GUESTS WILL BE CHRIS WALLACE AND EMMY
AWARD-WINNING ACTRESS HOLLAND TAYLOR.
JAMES CORDEN IS NEXT.
GOOD NIGHT.