1 00:00:02,001 --> 00:00:03,937 >> IT IS MEDICINE FOR HORSES, BIT THE MISSISSIPPI POISON 2 00:00:04,003 --> 00:00:09,209 CONTROL CENTER HAS BEEN PELTED WITH CALLS FROM PEOPLE TAKING 3 00:00:09,275 --> 00:00:13,046 IVERMECTIN IN A DANGEROUS ATTEMPT TO DODGE COVID. 4 00:00:13,113 --> 00:00:17,083 AND OFFICIALS SAY 70% OBTAIN THE DRUG FROM ANIMAL SUPPLIES, TWO 5 00:00:17,150 --> 00:00:19,152 PEOPLE HOSPITALIZED. 6 00:00:19,219 --> 00:00:21,788 >> OKAY, STUDENTS, BEFORE WE BEGIN THE OPERATION, LET'S BRING 7 00:00:21,855 --> 00:00:24,958 IN THE SPECIALIST. 8 00:00:25,024 --> 00:00:28,661 ( LAUGHTER ) HOW DO WE PROCEED, DOCTOR? 9 00:00:28,728 --> 00:00:29,963 >> HAVE YOU TRIED IVERMECTIN? 10 00:00:30,029 --> 00:00:33,600 IT WORKS FOR EVERYTHING-- HEART DISEASE, ENLARGED LIVER, 11 00:00:33,666 --> 00:00:37,971 ATHLETE'S HOOF. 12 00:00:38,037 --> 00:00:38,671 SO WHAT'S THE ISSUE HERE? 13 00:00:38,738 --> 00:00:39,973 >> THE PATIENT HAS A BROKEN LEG. 14 00:00:40,039 --> 00:00:40,540 >> THAT'S A DEATH SENTENCE. 15 00:00:40,607 --> 00:00:42,008 GET THE SHOTGUN. 16 00:00:54,521 --> 00:00:58,992 >> Announcer: IT'S "THE LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT." 17 00:00:59,058 --> 00:01:02,562 TONIGHT: ARE 18 00:01:02,629 --> 00:01:06,933 PLUS, STEPHEN WELCOMES: STEVE MARTIN 19 00:01:07,000 --> 00:01:11,337 MARTIN SHORT AND SELENA GOMEZ 20 00:01:11,404 --> 00:01:15,942 AND MUSICAL GUEST THE WAR ON DRUGS 21 00:01:16,009 --> 00:01:20,780 FEATURING JON BATISTE AND STAY HUMAN. 22 00:01:20,847 --> 00:01:27,821 AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK 23 00:01:27,887 --> 00:01:28,822 CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT! 24 00:01:28,888 --> 00:01:37,864 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: HELLO! 25 00:01:37,931 --> 00:01:43,002 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) HELLO, FRIENDS! 26 00:01:43,069 --> 00:01:48,942 GOOD TO SEE YOU. 27 00:01:49,008 --> 00:01:51,945 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THANK YOU, FOLKS. 28 00:01:52,011 --> 00:01:54,047 THANKS FOR BEING HERE. 29 00:01:54,113 --> 00:01:56,549 WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW." 30 00:01:56,616 --> 00:01:57,383 I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. 31 00:01:57,450 --> 00:01:58,952 AND I-- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 32 00:01:59,018 --> 00:02:00,286 THANK YOU. 33 00:02:00,353 --> 00:02:01,287 LOVELY TO BE BACK. 34 00:02:01,354 --> 00:02:03,456 LOVELY TO BE BACK. 35 00:02:03,523 --> 00:02:09,963 I'D LIKE TO START OFF BY WISHING ALL MY JEWISH VIEWERS A HAPPY 36 00:02:10,029 --> 00:02:12,298 ROSH HASHANAH. 37 00:02:12,365 --> 00:02:17,170 HERE'S HOPING 5782 TURNS OUT BETTER THAN 5781. 38 00:02:17,237 --> 00:02:20,874 NOW, WE'VE BEEN OFF FOR TWO WEEKS. 39 00:02:20,940 --> 00:02:27,347 AND WHILE WE WERE GONE THERE WAS THE CONTINUING PLAGUE, 40 00:02:27,413 --> 00:02:28,715 WAR, FLOODS, FIRES. 41 00:02:28,781 --> 00:02:31,618 IT'S LIKE THE END TIMES, OR AS THEY'RE NOW KNOWN, "THE 42 00:02:31,684 --> 00:02:32,585 TIMES." 43 00:02:32,652 --> 00:02:42,095 ( LAUGHTER ) SO I KNOW EVERYONE WATCHING 44 00:02:42,161 --> 00:02:44,297 TONIGHT AND THEY HAVE ONLY ONE QUESTION ON THEIR MIND: "WHAT 45 00:02:44,364 --> 00:02:48,234 THE HELL IS GOING ON WITH MY UPPER LIP?" 46 00:02:48,301 --> 00:02:50,570 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Jon: A-HA! 47 00:02:50,637 --> 00:02:55,375 A-HA! 48 00:02:55,441 --> 00:03:00,914 >> Stephen: WHICH BRINGS US TO A BREAKING MUSTACHE NEWSFLASH: 49 00:03:00,980 --> 00:03:03,650 I'M SURE YOU HAVE A LOT OF QUESTIONS, QUESTIONS LIKE "WHY?" 50 00:03:03,716 --> 00:03:05,218 ( LAUGHTER ) AND "REALLY?" 51 00:03:05,285 --> 00:03:08,888 AND "REALLY, WHY?" ( LAUGHTER ) 52 00:03:08,955 --> 00:03:10,523 WELL, IT'S KIND OF A COMPLICATED STORY. 53 00:03:10,590 --> 00:03:16,362 I WENT ON VACATION, AND I DIDN'T SHAVE. 54 00:03:16,429 --> 00:03:19,933 AND THEN I SHAVED THIS PART DOWN HERE. 55 00:03:19,999 --> 00:03:23,436 NOW, THE REVERSE ABE LINCOLN HERE HAS NOT GONE OVER WELL WITH 56 00:03:23,503 --> 00:03:24,938 SOME. 57 00:03:25,004 --> 00:03:27,774 OR SO FAR, ANY. 58 00:03:27,840 --> 00:03:31,411 FOR INSTANCE, MY EXECUTIVE PRODUCER CHRIS, WHO IS ALMOST 59 00:03:31,477 --> 00:03:34,314 ANGRY AT MY FACE RIGHT NOW. 60 00:03:34,380 --> 00:03:35,348 HE DOESN'T LIKE CHANGE. 61 00:03:35,415 --> 00:03:38,084 HE'S LIKE A CHILD. 62 00:03:38,151 --> 00:03:41,387 OF YOU WOULD LIKE ME TO SHAVE THIS OFF MY FACE, WOULDN'T YOU? 63 00:03:41,454 --> 00:03:42,622 WHY IS THAT? 64 00:03:42,689 --> 00:03:46,726 YOU THINK IT WILL LOSE VIEWERS IF I HAVE SOMETHING ON MY UPPER 65 00:03:46,793 --> 00:03:47,994 LIP. 66 00:03:48,061 --> 00:03:49,162 >> UNDOUBTEDLY. 67 00:03:49,228 --> 00:03:51,464 >> Stephen: HOW MANY-- GIVE ME A ROUND ESTIMATE OF HOW MANY 68 00:03:51,531 --> 00:03:53,032 VIEWERS THIS IS GOING TO COST ME TONIGHT? 69 00:03:53,099 --> 00:03:55,068 >> THEY'RE TUNING OUT AS WE SPEAK. 70 00:03:55,134 --> 00:03:55,868 ( LAUGHTER ). 71 00:03:55,935 --> 00:03:56,936 >> Stephen: GREAT. 72 00:03:57,003 --> 00:03:59,706 I KIND OF LIKE THE WAY I LOOK WITH THIS THING, OKAY. 73 00:03:59,772 --> 00:04:07,013 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YOU KNOW? 74 00:04:07,080 --> 00:04:10,783 AT ANY GIVEN MOMENT, I MIGHT SAY, "DA BEARS." 75 00:04:10,850 --> 00:04:13,987 ( LAUGHTER ) OR "GET ME PICTURES OF THE 76 00:04:14,053 --> 00:04:15,388 SPIDER-MAN. 77 00:04:15,455 --> 00:04:18,491 WHERE'S PETER PARKER? 78 00:04:18,558 --> 00:04:21,227 HE'S YOUR BUDDY, PETER." 79 00:04:21,294 --> 00:04:26,099 OR POSSIBLY... 80 00:04:26,165 --> 00:04:28,001 "LICENSE AND REGISTRATION. 81 00:04:28,067 --> 00:04:30,737 DO YOU KNOW WHY I PULLED YOU OVER? 82 00:04:30,803 --> 00:04:34,207 GET OUT OF THE CAR. 83 00:04:34,273 --> 00:04:38,077 GET OUT OF THE CAR, PLEASE." 84 00:04:38,144 --> 00:04:39,145 BUT I'M NOT HERE TO DIVIDE PEOPLE. 85 00:04:39,212 --> 00:04:40,380 LET'S SETTLE THIS CONTROVERSY NOW. 86 00:04:40,446 --> 00:04:42,782 BY APPLAUSE, WHO LIKES THE MUSTACHE? 87 00:04:42,849 --> 00:04:47,754 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: THAT'S NOT GOOD. 88 00:04:47,820 --> 00:04:51,858 OKAY, BY APPLAUSE, WHO THINKS I SHOULD SHAVE IT OFF IN THE NEXT 89 00:04:51,924 --> 00:04:52,859 COMMERCIAL BREAK? 90 00:04:52,925 --> 00:05:01,901 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) OKAY, OKAY. 91 00:05:01,968 --> 00:05:07,874 WE'LL HAVE THOSE VOTES TABULATED, AND THE DECISION IS 92 00:05:07,940 --> 00:05:09,409 GOING TO BE MADE BY THE SUPREME COURT-- BY WHICH, OF 93 00:05:09,475 --> 00:05:12,979 COURSE, I MEAN MY WIFE, EVIE. 94 00:05:13,046 --> 00:05:14,914 NOW, I'VE BEEN FOCUSING ON THE VACATION 'STACHE A LOT, MOSTLY 95 00:05:14,981 --> 00:05:16,382 BECAUSE I'M AVOIDING ALL THE DARK NEWS OUT THERE THESE DAYS. 96 00:05:16,449 --> 00:05:18,918 BUT OUR COMMITMENT AS A SHOW IS THAT WE TALK ABOUT WHATEVER THE 97 00:05:18,985 --> 00:05:20,186 NATIONAL CONVERSATION IS. 98 00:05:20,253 --> 00:05:24,924 BUT YOU DON'T WIN PEABODIES FOR DUCKING THE BIG ISSUES, WHICH IS 99 00:05:24,991 --> 00:05:28,161 WHY I WANT TO GET RIGHT TO THE MOST IMPORTANT STORY: THERE'S A 100 00:05:28,227 --> 00:05:30,263 TALKING DUCK IN AUSTRALIA! 101 00:05:30,329 --> 00:05:31,931 ( LAUGHTER ) WOW! 102 00:05:31,998 --> 00:05:34,834 THIS IS HUGE NEWS FOR ANYONE WHO HAS NEVER HEARD OF PARROTS. 103 00:05:34,901 --> 00:05:38,104 SO, WHAT DOES THIS TALKING DUCK SAY? 104 00:05:38,171 --> 00:05:41,074 ACCORDING TO ONE RESEARCHER, IT REPEATS MANY THINGS THAT ITS 105 00:05:41,140 --> 00:05:45,044 OWNER SAYS, INCLUDING THE PHRASE, "YOU BLOODY FOOL." 106 00:05:45,111 --> 00:05:48,848 ( LAUGHTER ) REMINDS ME OF THE OLD SAYING, 107 00:05:48,915 --> 00:05:51,017 "IF IT WALKS LIKE A DUCK AND QUACKS LIKE A DUCK, IT'S NOT 108 00:05:51,084 --> 00:05:55,088 THIS DUCK. 109 00:05:55,154 --> 00:05:55,755 THIS ONE INSULTS YOU." 110 00:05:55,822 --> 00:05:59,659 LET'S GIVE THE DUCK A LISTEN. 111 00:05:59,726 --> 00:06:00,393 >> YOU BLOODY FOOL. 112 00:06:00,460 --> 00:06:00,860 YOU BLOODY FOOL. 113 00:06:00,927 --> 00:06:02,762 YOU BLOODY FOOOOL. 114 00:06:02,829 --> 00:06:06,699 ( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: HAUNTING. 115 00:06:06,766 --> 00:06:08,301 HAUNTING AND HARSH. 116 00:06:08,367 --> 00:06:09,302 COMPARE THAT TO HOW DUCKS INSULT YOU IN THE WILD: 117 00:06:09,368 --> 00:06:13,072 >> YOU'RE DESPICABLE. 118 00:06:13,139 --> 00:06:15,908 >> Stephen: AND IT'S NOT JUST WORDS. 119 00:06:15,975 --> 00:06:17,844 THIS DUCK ALSO IMITATED OTHER NOISES, LIKE THE SOUNDS OF 120 00:06:17,910 --> 00:06:25,051 A PONY SNORTING, A MAN COUGHING, AND A DOOR SLAMMING. 121 00:06:25,118 --> 00:06:26,886 HE LEARNED THAT LAST SOUND FROM THE REPEATED TIMES HE OVERHEARD 122 00:06:26,953 --> 00:06:30,923 THE RESEARCHER ASK A WOMAN, "WANNA SEE MY TALKING DUCK?" 123 00:06:30,990 --> 00:06:33,226 WHILE WE WERE AWAY, HURRICANE IDA DEVASTATED LOUISIANA, WHERE 124 00:06:33,292 --> 00:06:34,527 OVER A MILLION RESIDENTS LOST ELECTRICITY, AND SOME COULD BE 125 00:06:34,594 --> 00:06:39,932 LOOKING AT MORE THAN THREE WEEKS BEFORE POWER IS RESTORED. 126 00:06:39,999 --> 00:06:44,670 MEANWHILE, HERE IN NEW YORK, IDA DUMPED A RECORD 3.15 INCHES OF 127 00:06:44,737 --> 00:06:48,941 RAIN IN JUST ONE HOUR IN CENTRAL PARK, TOPPING THE PREVIOUS HIGH 128 00:06:49,008 --> 00:06:51,811 OF 1.94 INCHES IN AN HOUR SET JUST 11 DAYS EARLIER DURING 129 00:06:51,878 --> 00:06:56,949 HURRICANE HENRI. 130 00:06:57,016 --> 00:07:00,887 ON THE UPSIDE, THE CENTRAL PARK ZOO IS NOW AN AQUARIUM. 131 00:07:00,953 --> 00:07:02,121 THOUGH, IT WAS VERY TOUGH TO GET A SNORKEL ON THE LION. 132 00:07:02,188 --> 00:07:03,523 OVER AT NEWARK AIRPORT, FLIGHTS WERE DELAYED, AND THE BAGGAGE 133 00:07:03,589 --> 00:07:04,357 ROOM WAS FLOODED. 134 00:07:04,423 --> 00:07:06,359 SO, PRETTY GOOD DAY AT NEWARK AIRPORT. 135 00:07:15,968 --> 00:07:18,004 NOW, YOU KNOW THE CLIMATE CRISIS IS BAD WHEN THE 136 00:07:18,070 --> 00:07:21,908 ONCE-IN-A-CENTURY GLOBAL PANDEMIC IS THE SECOND BIGGEST 137 00:07:21,974 --> 00:07:23,876 STORY OF THE DAY. 138 00:07:23,943 --> 00:07:25,912 IN THAT REGARD THINGS ARE NOT GETTING GOOD. 139 00:07:25,978 --> 00:07:27,113 U.S. COVID HOSPITALIZATIONS HAVE MORE THAN DOUBLED SINCE LAST 140 00:07:27,180 --> 00:07:30,917 LABOR DAY, DUE TO THE DELTA VARIANT. 141 00:07:30,983 --> 00:07:34,921 THAT'S THE REASON WHY MY ENTIRE AUDIENCE IS NOW MASKED UP LIKE 142 00:07:34,987 --> 00:07:38,357 A BUNCH OF SURGEONS. 143 00:07:38,424 --> 00:07:39,892 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YEAH, THANK YOU. 144 00:07:39,959 --> 00:07:41,561 SAFETY FIRST. 145 00:07:41,627 --> 00:07:46,032 IF ANY OF YOU ARE ACTUALLY DOCTORS, IF YOU COULD STICK 146 00:07:46,098 --> 00:07:49,669 AROUND AFTER THE SHOW, I HAVE A HIDEOUS GROWTH I NEED REMOVED 147 00:07:49,735 --> 00:07:50,469 FROM MY UPPER LIP. 148 00:07:50,536 --> 00:07:54,073 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 149 00:07:54,140 --> 00:07:54,874 UNFORTUNATELY-- ( APPLAUSE ) 150 00:07:54,941 --> 00:07:55,341 WE'LL GET THERE. 151 00:07:55,408 --> 00:07:58,344 THANK YOU. 152 00:07:58,411 --> 00:08:01,314 UNFORTUNATELY, THANKS TO FEAR-MONGERING AND 153 00:08:01,380 --> 00:08:04,283 MISINFORMATION, A LOT OF PEOPLE STILL AREN'T GETTING VACCINATED. 154 00:08:04,350 --> 00:08:08,888 IN FACT, WALGREENS, CVS, RITE AID AND STATE GOVERNMENTS HAVE 155 00:08:08,955 --> 00:08:10,823 THROWN OUT OVER 15 MILLION DOSES OF WASTED COVID-19 VACCINES. 156 00:08:10,890 --> 00:08:16,362 BUT THAT DOES MEAN 15 MILLION COVID-IMMUNE DUMPSTER RATS. 157 00:08:16,429 --> 00:08:17,496 ( LAUGHTER ) BUT DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE 158 00:08:17,563 --> 00:08:21,334 ANTI-VAXXERS BEING UNPROTECTED. 159 00:08:21,400 --> 00:08:24,070 BECAUSE THEY HAVE FOUND A NEW DRUG THAT ALSO DOES NOT PROTECT 160 00:08:24,136 --> 00:08:25,338 THEM. 161 00:08:25,404 --> 00:08:27,340 IT'S CALLED IVERMECTIN, WHICH IS A HORSE DEWORMER. 162 00:08:27,406 --> 00:08:29,976 SO YOU WILL PROBABLY STILL GET COVID, BUT ON THE BRIGHT SIDE, 163 00:08:30,042 --> 00:08:32,311 YOU COULD WIN THE PREAKNESS. 164 00:08:32,378 --> 00:08:35,481 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 165 00:08:35,548 --> 00:08:36,682 PROPONENTS SAY... 166 00:08:36,749 --> 00:08:38,150 ( APPLAUSE ) THERE YOU GO. 167 00:08:38,217 --> 00:08:40,052 SURE. 168 00:08:40,119 --> 00:08:42,955 WHY NOT? 169 00:08:43,022 --> 00:08:44,056 GIDDY-UP. 170 00:08:44,123 --> 00:08:45,358 PROPONENTS SAY THE SCIENCE BEHIND IVERMECTIN IS CLEAR. 171 00:08:45,424 --> 00:08:51,264 IN FACT, WE'VE BEEN SENT A DEMONSTRATION OF JUST HOW IT 172 00:08:51,330 --> 00:08:56,068 DEFENDS YOUR BLOODSTREAM FROM THE VIRUS. 173 00:08:56,135 --> 00:08:59,071 ♪ ♪ ♪ ( LAUGHTER ) 174 00:08:59,138 --> 00:09:01,474 SO IVERMECTIN IS INEFFECTIVE AGAINST COVID. 175 00:09:01,540 --> 00:09:04,410 AND WHEN USED INCORRECTLY, IT CAN KILL YOU. 176 00:09:04,477 --> 00:09:08,881 WORST OF ALL, IT TASTES YUCKY LUCKILY, THE INTERNET IS LOADED 177 00:09:08,948 --> 00:09:11,884 WITH ADVICE ON HOW TO MAKE IT MORE PALATABLE, INCLUDING MIXING 178 00:09:11,951 --> 00:09:14,887 IT WITH JELLIES OR EATING IT AS A SANDWICH. 179 00:09:14,954 --> 00:09:16,722 OR THROW IT ON YOUR ROAST BEEF. 180 00:09:16,789 --> 00:09:20,893 TECHNICALLY, IT IS HORSEY SAUCE. 181 00:09:20,960 --> 00:09:25,898 ONE COMMENTER EXPLAINED, "I TAKE IT BY HIDING IT IN A BANANA." 182 00:09:25,965 --> 00:09:29,902 IS THAT WHAT IT TAKES TO GET YOU TO ACCEPT ACTUAL MEDICINE? 183 00:09:29,969 --> 00:09:32,838 IN THAT CASE, CAN I INTEREST YOU IN A DELICIOUS BANANA? 184 00:09:32,905 --> 00:09:42,915 THIS-- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 185 00:09:42,982 --> 00:09:46,719 THE TERRIBLE TASTE LED ONE FACEBOOK USER TO ASK, "CAN I 186 00:09:46,786 --> 00:09:50,923 SQUEEZE THE PASTE INTO MY ANUS INSTEAD OF MY MOUTH?" 187 00:09:50,990 --> 00:09:57,029 LAST TIME I CHECKED, THIS WAS AMERICA-- YOU BET YOU CAN. 188 00:09:57,096 --> 00:09:58,297 IN FACT-- ( LAUGHTER ) 189 00:09:58,364 --> 00:09:59,198 CAN THEY? 190 00:09:59,265 --> 00:09:59,665 CAN THEY? 191 00:09:59,732 --> 00:10:01,867 THEY CAN? 192 00:10:01,934 --> 00:10:04,236 EVIDENTLY, YOU CAN. 193 00:10:04,303 --> 00:10:08,207 IN FACT, IT SAYS RIGHT ON THE LABEL: "FOR A HORSE'S ASS." 194 00:10:08,274 --> 00:10:12,478 IN LIGHTER NEWS, "ROE V. WADE" IS DEAD IN TEXAS. 195 00:10:12,545 --> 00:10:17,984 ( AUDIENCE REACTS ) ABORTION CAN BE A CHALLENGING 196 00:10:18,050 --> 00:10:19,518 SUBJECT TO TALK ABOUT, ESPECIALLY ON A COMEDY SHOW. 197 00:10:19,585 --> 00:10:21,687 INSTEAD, I'LL LET THIS EXPERT GIVE HIS OPINION OF THE MAN WHO 198 00:10:21,754 --> 00:10:23,789 SIGNED THIS LAW, TEXAS GOVERNOR GREG ABBOTT: 199 00:10:23,856 --> 00:10:26,292 >> YOU BLOODY FOOL. 200 00:10:26,359 --> 00:10:34,433 LAUGH LAW ENFORCEMENT ( APPLAUSE ) 201 00:10:34,500 --> 00:10:38,571 >> Stephen: HOWEVER YOU FEEL ABOUT ABORTION-- AND YOU DO-- 202 00:10:38,637 --> 00:10:43,175 WHAT THE TEXAS LEGISLATURE DID HERE IS CRAZY. 203 00:10:43,242 --> 00:10:48,581 OKAY, HERE'S THE DETAILS: ON SEPTEMBER 1st, A NEW LAW WENT 204 00:10:48,647 --> 00:10:49,882 INTO EFFECT IN TEXAS THAT BANS ABORTIONS AS EARLY AS SIX 205 00:10:49,949 --> 00:11:00,226 WEEKS-- A PERIOD BEFORE MANY WOMEN REALIZE THEY ARE PREGNANT. 206 00:11:00,292 --> 00:11:02,561 NORMALLY, A BROAD LIKE THAT WOULD LIKELY GET SHOT DOWN BY 207 00:11:02,628 --> 00:11:03,796 THE PRECEDENT OF ROE V. WADE, WHICH, WHILE CONTROVERSIAL, HAS 208 00:11:03,863 --> 00:11:05,064 BEEN THE SETTLED LAW OF THE LAND FOR 50 YEARS. 209 00:11:05,131 --> 00:11:08,701 SO KNOWING THAT, TEXAS REPUBLICANS CRAFTED THIS LAW TO 210 00:11:08,768 --> 00:11:09,802 AVOID JUDICIAL REVIEW ENTIRELY. 211 00:11:09,869 --> 00:11:12,538 IN RESPONSE TO THIS CLEAR END-RUN AROUND OUR JUDICIAL 212 00:11:12,605 --> 00:11:15,641 SYSTEM, THE SUPREME COURT SAID, "I LIKE BEER." 213 00:11:15,708 --> 00:11:17,977 ( LAUGHTER ) BECAUSE LAST WEDNESDAY, IN A 5-4 214 00:11:18,044 --> 00:11:20,613 DECISION, THE CONSERVATIVE MAJORITY OF THE COURT SAID THEY 215 00:11:20,679 --> 00:11:24,984 HAD, "SERIOUS QUESTIONS REGARDING THE CONSTITUTIONALITY 216 00:11:25,051 --> 00:11:27,720 OF THE TEXAS LAW," BUT WOULDN'T BLOCK IT DUE TO 217 00:11:27,787 --> 00:11:30,289 "COMPLEX" AND "NOVEL" PROCEDURAL QUESTIONS. 218 00:11:30,356 --> 00:11:37,196 BUT ISN'T ANSWERING COMPLEX AND NOVEL PROCEDURAL QUESTIONS ALL 219 00:11:37,263 --> 00:11:38,197 WE PAY YOU KNUCKLEHEADS TO DO ( LAUGHTER ) 220 00:11:38,264 --> 00:11:47,506 ( APPLAUSE ) WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR JOB IS, 221 00:11:47,573 --> 00:11:53,179 HERE'S THE UNPRECEDENTED LEGAL SHENANIGANS THAT 222 00:11:53,245 --> 00:11:59,718 SUPPOSEDLY THREW THESE LEGAL GENIUSES: INSTEAD OF ANY 223 00:11:59,785 --> 00:12:01,320 GOVERNMENT AGENT IN TEXAS BEING ASKED TO ENFORCE THE NEW LAW, 224 00:12:01,387 --> 00:12:04,090 TEXAS NOW DEPUTIZES PRIVATE CITIZENS TO BRING CIVIL SUITS 225 00:12:04,156 --> 00:12:05,424 AGAINST ANYONE WHO ASSISTS A PREGNANT PERSON SEEKING AN 226 00:12:05,491 --> 00:12:06,759 ABORTION. 227 00:12:06,826 --> 00:12:07,960 AND "ANYONE" MEANS ANYONE. 228 00:12:08,027 --> 00:12:09,929 AS ONE LAW PROFESSOR EXPLAINED, "IF THE BARISTA AT STARBUCKS 229 00:12:09,995 --> 00:12:13,933 OVERHEARS YOU TALKING ABOUT YOUR ABORTION, AND IT WAS PERFORMED 230 00:12:13,999 --> 00:12:17,470 AFTER SIX WEEKS, THAT BARISTA IS AUTHORIZED TO SUE THE CLINIC 231 00:12:17,536 --> 00:12:21,040 WHERE YOU OBTAINED THE ABORTION AND TO SUE ANY OTHER PERSON WHO 232 00:12:21,107 --> 00:12:24,009 HELPED YOU." 233 00:12:24,076 --> 00:12:27,046 WELL, I HOPE TEXAS IS READY FOR SOME DRAMATIC TESTIMONY FROM 234 00:12:27,113 --> 00:12:28,747 BARISTAS, LIKE "I HEARD JEEMES HELPED SERMERNTHA GET AN ARBOR 235 00:12:28,814 --> 00:12:33,018 DAY." 236 00:12:33,085 --> 00:12:38,157 ( LAUGHTER ) NOW, FAMOUSLY, WE ALL KNOW, YOU 237 00:12:38,224 --> 00:12:40,826 DON'T MESS WITH TEXAS, BUT APPARENTLY IT'S COOL TO NARC ON 238 00:12:40,893 --> 00:12:42,094 TEXANS, BECAUSE THE LAW ENCOURAGES INFORMANTS TO 239 00:12:42,161 --> 00:12:45,030 SUE, PROMISING THEY CAN RECOVER LEGAL FEES, AS WELL AS $10,000, 240 00:12:45,097 --> 00:12:46,699 IF THEY WIN. 241 00:12:46,765 --> 00:12:53,873 THEY'RE INCENTIVIZING NEIGHBORS TO TURN ON EACH OTHER FOR CASH. 242 00:12:53,939 --> 00:12:55,474 BAD NEWS FOR FANS OF PRIVACY RIGHTS, BUT GREAT NEWS FOR "THE 243 00:12:55,541 --> 00:12:56,709 HANDMAID'S TALE," WHO JUST GOT A LATE EMMY NOMINATION FOR BEST 244 00:12:56,775 --> 00:12:58,878 DOCUMENTARY. 245 00:12:58,944 --> 00:13:00,613 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 246 00:13:00,679 --> 00:13:01,814 WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT. 247 00:13:01,881 --> 00:13:06,919 MY GUESTS ARE STEVE MARTIN, MARTIN SHORT, AND SELENA GOMEZ. 248 00:13:06,986 --> 00:13:12,691 BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, JON AND I PROVIDE A VITAL COMMUNITY 249 00:13:12,758 --> 00:13:15,194 SERVICE, THROUGH THE POWER OF SONG! 250 00:13:15,261 --> 00:13:17,263 STICK AROUND. 251 00:13:53,032 --> 00:13:53,966 ♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY, 252 00:13:54,033 --> 00:13:56,769 GIVE IT UP FOR JON BATISTE AND STAY HUMAN! 253 00:13:56,835 --> 00:14:01,907 THERE YOU GO! 254 00:14:01,974 --> 00:14:08,914 JON... JON, WE GOT IN JUST A MOMENT HERE, WE'VE GOT THREE 255 00:14:08,981 --> 00:14:10,316 GIANTS COMING OUT HERE. 256 00:14:10,382 --> 00:14:12,918 WE'VE GOT STEVE MARTIN. 257 00:14:12,985 --> 00:14:21,493 WE'VE GOT MARTIN SHORT, AND SELENA GOMEZ. 258 00:14:21,560 --> 00:14:24,330 JON, I WANT TO ASK YOU ABOUT YOUR FAMILY AND FRIENDS DOWN IN 259 00:14:24,396 --> 00:14:25,598 LOUISIANA. 260 00:14:25,664 --> 00:14:28,901 I KNOW THEY GOT HIT SO FAR, THE WHOLE STATE DID, THE WHOLE GULF 261 00:14:28,968 --> 00:14:30,336 COAST DID BY IDA. 262 00:14:30,402 --> 00:14:32,504 ARE THEY OKAY DOWN THERE? 263 00:14:32,571 --> 00:14:34,506 >> MY FOLKS ARE DOING OKAY. 264 00:14:34,573 --> 00:14:36,875 MY EXTENDED FAMILY IS OKAY. 265 00:14:36,942 --> 00:14:38,277 WE'RE BLESSED. 266 00:14:38,344 --> 00:14:39,812 I ENCOURAGEEB TO DONATE. 267 00:14:39,878 --> 00:14:41,981 PEOPLE ARE STILL STRUGGLING, POWER IS STILL OFF. 268 00:14:42,047 --> 00:14:44,984 PEOPLE ARE STILL TRYING TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO GET BACK. 269 00:14:45,050 --> 00:14:48,687 MY FAMILY IS STILL IN ALABAMA, SCATTERED ALL OVER THE 270 00:14:48,754 --> 00:14:49,922 SOUTHEAST. 271 00:14:49,989 --> 00:14:51,624 SO WE'RE OKAY, BUT WE'VE JUST GOT TO KEEP FIGHTING, YOU KNOW. 272 00:14:51,690 --> 00:14:53,892 >> Stephen: AND THAT STORM CAME UP AND DEVASTATED PARTS OF 273 00:14:53,959 --> 00:14:54,793 THE NORTHEAST UP HERE. 274 00:14:54,860 --> 00:14:55,961 >> Jon: OH, YEAH. 275 00:14:56,028 --> 00:14:58,497 >> Stephen: AT LEAST 43 PEOPLE HAVE DIED, AND THERE'S JUST 276 00:14:58,564 --> 00:15:00,165 DEVASTATION ALL OVER THE AREA. 277 00:15:00,232 --> 00:15:03,435 AND IF YOU WANT TO HELP THOSE AFFECTED, AND I KNOW YOU DO, WE 278 00:15:03,502 --> 00:15:05,738 WILL HAVE POSTED CHARITIES HELPING BOTH THE GULF COAST AND 279 00:15:05,804 --> 00:15:09,575 THE NORTHEAST ON "THE LATE SHOW'S"" TWITTER PAGE TONIGHT. 280 00:15:09,642 --> 00:15:11,110 CHECK IT OUT, PLEASE. 281 00:15:11,176 --> 00:15:16,982 NOW, JON-- ( APPLAUSE ) 282 00:15:17,049 --> 00:15:20,085 I WANT TO GET TO AN IMPORTANT STORY THAT PEOPLE ARE TALKING 283 00:15:20,152 --> 00:15:21,120 ABOUT. 284 00:15:21,186 --> 00:15:23,389 WHAT DO YOU-- WHAT DO YOU MAKE OF MY MUSTACHE, JON? 285 00:15:23,455 --> 00:15:26,792 >> Jon: YOU KNOW -- >> Stephen: CAN WE GET A 286 00:15:26,859 --> 00:15:27,993 SLIGHT CLOSER SHOT. 287 00:15:28,060 --> 00:15:31,297 >> Jon: WHEN YOU CAME EARLIER TODAY I SAW IT, I THOUGHT YOU 288 00:15:31,363 --> 00:15:33,799 WERE PREPARING FOR A ROLE THAT YOU DIDN'T TELL ME ABOUT. 289 00:15:33,866 --> 00:15:35,034 ( LAUGHTER ). 290 00:15:35,100 --> 00:15:37,836 >> Stephen: YES, I'M GOING TO PLAY THE YOUNG CAPTAIN KANGAROO. 291 00:15:37,903 --> 00:15:42,941 IT IS-- IT'S SO WHITE, IT-- IT DOESN'T REALLY SHOW UP ON CAMERA 292 00:15:43,008 --> 00:15:43,742 VERY WELL. 293 00:15:43,809 --> 00:15:45,344 >> Jon: I COULDN'T SEE IT IN PERSON. 294 00:15:45,411 --> 00:15:46,912 THAT'S WHY-- ( LAUGHTER ) 295 00:15:46,979 --> 00:15:50,516 I HAD TO COME UP-- ( APPLAUSE ) 296 00:15:50,582 --> 00:15:53,319 AND SEE WHAT WAS HAPPENING. 297 00:15:53,385 --> 00:15:54,353 >> Stephen: DO YOU LIKE IT? 298 00:15:54,420 --> 00:15:55,387 DO YOU LIKE IT? 299 00:15:55,454 --> 00:15:57,556 I JUST WANT TO KNOW IF YOU LIKE IT? 300 00:15:57,623 --> 00:15:58,991 >> Jon: IT'S NEW FOR ME. 301 00:15:59,058 --> 00:16:01,593 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 302 00:16:01,660 --> 00:16:04,863 >> Stephen: NOW, WAIT A SECOND, JON! 303 00:16:04,930 --> 00:16:09,535 WHEN-- WHEN-- WHEN-- A WOMAN IN YOUR FAMILY GETS A HAIRCUT, 304 00:16:09,601 --> 00:16:15,307 LET'S SAY, OR A LOVED ONE GETS A HAIRCUT, DO YOU SAY, "THIS IS MU 305 00:16:15,374 --> 00:16:17,076 TO ME," OR "I LOVE IT." 306 00:16:17,142 --> 00:16:18,644 >> Jon: OH, I LOVE IT. 307 00:16:18,711 --> 00:16:20,446 >> Stephen: THIS IS TECHNICALLY HAIR. 308 00:16:20,512 --> 00:16:21,313 >> Jon: YES. 309 00:16:21,380 --> 00:16:22,514 >> Stephen: THAT I HAVE CUT ON MOI FACE. 310 00:16:22,581 --> 00:16:27,553 SO LET ME ASK YOU ONE MORE TIME, JON, WHAT DO YOU THINK OF MY 311 00:16:27,619 --> 00:16:28,053 MUSTACHE. 312 00:16:28,120 --> 00:16:28,987 >> Jon: YEAH, YEAH. 313 00:16:29,054 --> 00:16:30,422 ( LAUGHTER ). 314 00:16:30,489 --> 00:16:32,958 >> Stephen: YOU'RE MISSING-- YOU'RE MISSING THE SOCIAL CLUES 315 00:16:33,025 --> 00:16:33,859 HERE, JON. 316 00:16:33,926 --> 00:16:39,765 YOU'RE MISSING-- >> Jon: IT REMINDS ME OF A 317 00:16:39,832 --> 00:16:40,632 FULL BEARD. 318 00:16:40,699 --> 00:16:41,867 >> Stephen: I USED TO HAVE A FULL BEARD. 319 00:16:41,934 --> 00:16:44,103 >> Jon: I'M USED TO THE BEARD WHEN YOU GO HERE. 320 00:16:44,169 --> 00:16:46,405 THIS IS NEW TO SEE -- >> Stephen: I HAVE NEVER 321 00:16:46,472 --> 00:16:47,106 ATTEMPTED THIS BEFORE. 322 00:16:47,172 --> 00:16:48,574 I AM BEGINNING TO SEE WHY. 323 00:16:48,640 --> 00:16:51,043 ( LAUGHTER ) ANYWAY, I LIKE IT. 324 00:16:51,110 --> 00:16:55,948 NOT HAVING BRAWLD SHOULDERS AND THIN HIMSELF, IN THE THE 325 00:16:56,014 --> 00:16:57,916 SECONDARY MALE SEX CHARACTERISTIC TO LET EVERYONE 326 00:16:57,983 --> 00:16:59,017 KNOW THAT I'M A BOY. 327 00:16:59,084 --> 00:17:01,053 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 328 00:17:01,120 --> 00:17:04,890 NOW, AS I MENTIONED EARLIER, JON, THE DELTA VARIANT IS 329 00:17:04,957 --> 00:17:08,827 SURGING AND THE COVID CASES CONTINUE TO RISE. 330 00:17:08,894 --> 00:17:10,763 ON THE ONE HAND, EXPERTS SAY SMALL GROUPS OF ALL-VACCINATED 331 00:17:10,829 --> 00:17:12,331 PEOPLE IS A SAFE WAY TO SOCIALIZE. 332 00:17:12,398 --> 00:17:17,903 ON THE OTHER HAND, I DON'T WANT TO. 333 00:17:17,970 --> 00:17:21,173 AND I'VE BEGUN TO FIND MYSELF RUNNING OUT OF EXCUSES. 334 00:17:21,240 --> 00:17:22,741 WHAT ABOUT YOU, JON? 335 00:17:22,808 --> 00:17:23,909 DO YOU ALWAYS HAVE EXCUSES AT HAND WHEN SOMEBODY INVITES YOU 336 00:17:23,976 --> 00:17:25,010 TO GO SOMEPLACE. 337 00:17:25,077 --> 00:17:28,714 >> Jon: OH, YEAH, YOU HAVE TO HAVE YOUR EXCUSES READY. 338 00:17:28,781 --> 00:17:32,451 >> Stephen: JON AND I ARE GOING TO HELP YOU OUT TONIGHT. 339 00:17:32,518 --> 00:17:38,690 WE RECORDED A JAM THAT WILL MAKE YOU DANCE AND GET OUT OF ALL THE 340 00:17:38,757 --> 00:17:40,826 EXCUSES YOU NEED TO GO TO A DANCE. 341 00:17:40,893 --> 00:17:43,262 JIM, LET'S HELP SOME PEOPLE. 342 00:17:43,328 --> 00:17:49,868 ♪ ALL MY FRIENDS ARE VACCINATED THEY WANT TO HIT THE DANCE FLOOR 343 00:17:49,935 --> 00:17:52,571 ♪ BUT I DON'T WANT TO PUT ON MY OUTSIDE CLOTHES 344 00:17:52,638 --> 00:17:57,376 ♪ I GOT A LOT OF INVITES TO IINGS NOR 345 00:17:57,443 --> 00:18:01,280 ♪ SO IF YOU'RE JUST LIKE ME IF YOU'RE JUST LIKE ME 346 00:18:01,346 --> 00:18:05,784 ♪ LET ME AND MY CREW TELL YOU WHAT TO DO 347 00:18:05,851 --> 00:18:11,890 IF YOU DON'T WANT TO SEE NOBODY ♪ HIM THEM THE FOUR EXCUSES 348 00:18:11,957 --> 00:18:12,124 ♪ ONE >> YOUR FRIENDS WILL RESPECT 349 00:19:47,286 --> 00:19:51,523 YOUR CHOICE AND IF YOU DON'T, STEPHEN COLBERT AND JON BATISTE 350 00:19:51,590 --> 00:19:52,991 HAVE EXCUSES. 351 00:20:13,145 --> 00:20:16,949 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ). 352 00:20:17,015 --> 00:20:18,183 >> Stephen: YOU'RE WELCOME. 353 00:20:18,250 --> 00:20:19,851 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH SELENA GOMEZ, MARTIN SHORT, AND STEVE 354 00:20:39,037 --> 00:20:41,039 ♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: OH, HEY, 355 00:20:46,044 --> 00:20:47,980 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY! 356 00:20:48,046 --> 00:20:51,116 LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I'M SO HAPPY FOR YOU, BECAUSE YOU KNOW 357 00:20:51,183 --> 00:20:54,820 MY GUESTS TONIGHT AS TWO BELOVED COMEDY LEGENDS AND ONE OF THE 358 00:20:54,886 --> 00:20:59,491 MOST POPULAR SINGERS TODAY. 359 00:20:59,558 --> 00:21:01,093 THEY ARE TEAMING UP TO SOLVE A MURDER IN THEIR NEW SERIES, 360 00:21:01,159 --> 00:21:02,861 "ONLY MURDERS IN THE BUILDING." 361 00:21:02,928 --> 00:21:03,295 >> OLIVER? 362 00:21:03,362 --> 00:21:04,363 >> I'M IN HERE! 363 00:21:04,429 --> 00:21:06,865 >> HEY, WHAT HAPPENED? 364 00:21:06,932 --> 00:21:07,532 ARE YOU OKAY? 365 00:21:07,599 --> 00:21:09,901 >> THE KILLER POISONED MY DOG. 366 00:21:09,968 --> 00:21:10,669 >> WHAT? 367 00:21:10,736 --> 00:21:12,471 >> MY SON HAS HER HELP HE'S A VET. 368 00:21:12,537 --> 00:21:14,373 SHE RECOVERED, THANK GOD. 369 00:21:14,439 --> 00:21:16,975 BUT, CLEARLY, WE ARE GETTING CLOSER. 370 00:21:17,042 --> 00:21:18,644 THEY'RE SENDING A MESSAGE TO THE LEADER. 371 00:21:18,710 --> 00:21:20,178 >> IS THE LEADER YOU? 372 00:21:20,245 --> 00:21:21,813 >> DID THEY POISON YOUR DOG? 373 00:21:21,880 --> 00:21:25,817 THEY LEFT THIS. 374 00:21:25,884 --> 00:21:28,520 >> "I'M THE PODCASTER." 375 00:21:28,587 --> 00:21:32,024 >> WHAT IF WINNIE HAD DIED? 376 00:21:32,090 --> 00:21:36,261 IT WOULD BE ME AGAIN AND MY STUPID... DAMN VISIONARY 377 00:21:36,328 --> 00:21:37,496 AMBITIONS. 378 00:21:37,562 --> 00:21:40,799 >> OKAY, WHOEVER POISONED WINNIE CLEARLY KILLED TIM, SO WHO DID 379 00:21:40,866 --> 00:21:41,667 THIS? 380 00:21:41,733 --> 00:21:44,269 >> GATHER AROUND, I'M GOING TO RORD THIS. 381 00:21:44,336 --> 00:21:47,339 SO, I KNOW THIS SEEMS IMPOSSIBLE. 382 00:21:47,406 --> 00:21:49,708 IT'S BANANAS, BUT I THINK THERE'S A VERY STRONG CHANCE 383 00:21:49,775 --> 00:21:54,980 THAT THE PERSON WHO POISONED WINNIE WAS-- AND THIS GIVES ME 384 00:21:55,047 --> 00:21:59,484 NO PLEASURE IN SAYING THIS-- MUSIC SUPER STAR STING. 385 00:21:59,551 --> 00:21:59,985 ( LAUGHTER ). 386 00:22:00,052 --> 00:22:03,955 >> THE GUY FROM U2? 387 00:22:04,022 --> 00:22:07,959 >> Stephen: PLEASE WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW," STEVE MARTIN, 388 00:22:08,026 --> 00:22:08,727 MARTIN SHORT, AND SELENA GOMEZ! 389 00:22:08,794 --> 00:22:09,728 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ 390 00:22:09,795 --> 00:22:17,436 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: HELLO. 391 00:22:17,502 --> 00:22:23,175 >> STEPHEN! 392 00:22:23,241 --> 00:22:23,909 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ). 393 00:22:23,975 --> 00:22:25,777 ♪ ♪ ♪ >> THANK YOU SO MUCH! 394 00:22:33,251 --> 00:22:41,126 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: STANDING OVATION. 395 00:22:41,193 --> 00:22:47,966 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: SO NICE TO HAVE 396 00:22:48,033 --> 00:22:50,402 YOU ON. 397 00:22:50,469 --> 00:22:51,937 STEVE, ALWAYS GOOD TO SEE YOU. 398 00:22:52,003 --> 00:22:53,739 MARTY, LOVELY TO SEE YOU AGAIN. 399 00:22:53,805 --> 00:22:54,673 SELENA, NICE TO MEET YOU. 400 00:22:54,740 --> 00:22:55,674 THANKS FOR BEING ON. 401 00:22:55,741 --> 00:22:57,943 IT'S THE FIRST TIME WE'VE HAD A CHANCE TO DAWK. 402 00:22:58,009 --> 00:22:58,844 >> IT IS. 403 00:22:58,910 --> 00:22:59,811 I'M SO EXCITED. 404 00:22:59,878 --> 00:23:00,979 A BIG FAN. 405 00:23:01,046 --> 00:23:03,548 >> YOU LOOK FANTASTIC, BY THE WAY. 406 00:23:03,615 --> 00:23:04,549 >> Stephen: THANK YOU VERY MUCH. 407 00:23:04,616 --> 00:23:05,751 >> YOU HAVE THAT-- THAT -- >> Stephen: THANK YOU. 408 00:23:05,817 --> 00:23:08,186 >> THAT THIRD COVID SHOT BLOW. 409 00:23:08,253 --> 00:23:11,256 THE BOOSTER GLOW THEY CALL IT. 410 00:23:11,323 --> 00:23:12,657 >> Stephen: THANK YOU VERY MUCH. 411 00:23:12,724 --> 00:23:17,229 >> AND THIS IS RIGHT OUT OF THE FREE PARKING GUY FROM MONOPOLY, 412 00:23:17,295 --> 00:23:17,963 WHICH I LIKE. 413 00:23:18,029 --> 00:23:20,332 >> Stephen: UNCHGEM PENNYBAGS. 414 00:23:20,398 --> 00:23:22,567 >> SORRY, YOU'LL GET TO SPEAK IN A MINUTE. 415 00:23:22,634 --> 00:23:25,771 I HAVE A THEOR ABOUT YOUR MUSTACHE. 416 00:23:25,837 --> 00:23:29,541 WHICH IS YOUR HAIR APPEARS VERY DARK AND STARTS TO GET GRAY AND 417 00:23:29,608 --> 00:23:30,709 COMES OUT REALLY GRAY. 418 00:23:30,776 --> 00:23:37,182 AND I'M ASSUMING THAT YOUR BODY HAIR JUST GETS GRAYER AND 419 00:23:37,249 --> 00:23:38,250 GRAYER. 420 00:23:38,316 --> 00:23:40,118 >> Stephen: FROM THE NECK DOWN, I'M ANDERSON COOPER. 421 00:23:40,185 --> 00:23:41,853 >> NO, YOU LOOK REALLY GOOD. 422 00:23:41,920 --> 00:23:43,622 >> Stephen: THANK YOU, SO DO YOU. 423 00:23:43,688 --> 00:23:47,726 >> YOU LOOK LIKE-- YOU LOOK LIKE A MATURE BOB SAGET, AND I ALWAYS 424 00:23:47,793 --> 00:23:49,461 WANTED YOU TO LOOK THAT WAY. 425 00:23:49,528 --> 00:23:51,596 >> Stephen: THANK YOU QUITE A MUCH. 426 00:23:51,663 --> 00:23:52,664 THAT'S QUITE A COMPLIMENT. 427 00:23:52,731 --> 00:23:55,066 >> WE CAN CUT THAT, AND THAT. 428 00:23:55,133 --> 00:23:57,135 >> THIS WAS MY LIFE EVERY DAY FOR FIVE MONTHS. 429 00:23:57,202 --> 00:24:01,807 >> Stephen: THE NEW SHOW "ONLY MURDERS IN THE BUILDING" IS 430 00:24:01,873 --> 00:24:03,041 GETTING GREAT REVIEWS. 431 00:24:03,108 --> 00:24:03,742 CONGRATULATIONS ON THAT. 432 00:24:03,809 --> 00:24:05,410 >> THANK YOU ( APPLAUSE ) 433 00:24:05,477 --> 00:24:07,312 ( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: FIRST OF ALL, HOW 434 00:24:07,379 --> 00:24:10,215 HAVE YOU ENJOYED THE RESPONSE? 435 00:24:10,282 --> 00:24:11,950 >> PERSONALLY, I'M-- >> FANTASTIC. 436 00:24:12,017 --> 00:24:14,686 >> I MEAN, I THINK THEY'RE-- I DON'T KNOW. 437 00:24:14,753 --> 00:24:15,587 I WAS SHOCKED. 438 00:24:15,654 --> 00:24:17,622 >> YOU WERE SHOCKED? 439 00:24:17,689 --> 00:24:19,291 >> Stephen: SHOCKED PEOPLE ENJOYED YOUR SHOW. 440 00:24:19,357 --> 00:24:21,426 >> YOU THOUGHT PEOPLE WOULD HATE US? 441 00:24:21,493 --> 00:24:22,527 >> A LITTLE BIT. 442 00:24:22,594 --> 00:24:24,262 >> YOU ALWAYS LOVE GETTING A GOOD RESPONSE TO THE SHOW. 443 00:24:24,329 --> 00:24:27,632 AND MARTY GOT THE REVIEW OF HIS LIFETIME IN THE "NEW YORK 444 00:24:27,699 --> 00:24:31,102 TIMES," AND WHEN I READ IT, I WAS SO PROUD. 445 00:24:31,169 --> 00:24:32,070 AND ALSO SHOCKED. 446 00:24:32,137 --> 00:24:35,507 ( LAUGHTER ) BECAUSE I WAS THERE. 447 00:24:35,574 --> 00:24:41,446 ( LAUGHTER ) >> I WENT INTO YOUR TRAILER 448 00:24:41,513 --> 00:24:44,316 AFTER YOU HAD READ IT AND YOU WERE BREATHING IN THAT BAG. 449 00:24:44,382 --> 00:24:45,483 I REMEMBER THAT. 450 00:24:45,550 --> 00:24:48,887 >> Stephen: STEVE, BESIDES BEING ONE OF THE STARS, YOU ALSO 451 00:24:48,954 --> 00:24:49,988 CREATED "ONLY MURDERS IN THE BUILDING." 452 00:24:50,055 --> 00:24:51,289 HOW DID THIS IDEA COME ABOUT? 453 00:24:51,356 --> 00:24:55,660 >> I COCREATED IT WITH A GREAT WRITER NAMED JOHN HOFFMAN, AND 454 00:24:55,727 --> 00:24:57,462 WE HAVE SOME AGREEMENT WRITERS ON THE SHOW. 455 00:24:57,529 --> 00:25:00,565 >> Stephen: THEY'RE NOT HERE SO I'M GOING TO GIVE ALL THE 456 00:25:00,632 --> 00:25:01,166 CREDITS TO YOU. 457 00:25:01,233 --> 00:25:02,667 >> YOU NEED A LONGER SOFA. 458 00:25:02,734 --> 00:25:05,537 I JUST HAD THIS THOUGHT OVER 10 YEARS AGO. 459 00:25:05,604 --> 00:25:09,908 AND IT WAS FOR THREE OLDER GUYS WHO LIVE IN A BUILDING IN NEW 460 00:25:09,975 --> 00:25:14,446 YORK WHO REALIZE THEY HAVE A COMMON INTEREST IN SOLVING 461 00:25:14,512 --> 00:25:15,614 CRIME. 462 00:25:15,680 --> 00:25:18,016 BUT BECAUSE THEY'RE OLD, THEY DON'T WANT TO GO OUTSIDE THE 463 00:25:18,083 --> 00:25:19,618 BUILDING BECAUSE IT'S TOO TIRING. 464 00:25:19,684 --> 00:25:23,355 SO THEY DECIDE THEY'LL JUST DO ONLY MURDERS IN THE BUILDING. 465 00:25:23,421 --> 00:25:28,026 ( LAUGHTER ) SO-- AND THEN, YOU KNOW, I JUST 466 00:25:28,093 --> 00:25:30,328 KEPT THIS IDEA IN MY HEAD FOR 10 YEARS. 467 00:25:30,395 --> 00:25:33,665 AND THEN I WAS EXPLAINING IT TO MARTY ONE DAY, AND HE SAID, "YOU 468 00:25:33,732 --> 00:25:35,166 KNOW, WE'RE OLD." 469 00:25:35,233 --> 00:25:40,272 ( LAUGHTER ) AND THEN SELENA CAME ALONG, 470 00:25:40,338 --> 00:25:40,839 SOMEBODY'S BRILLIANT IDEA. 471 00:25:40,906 --> 00:25:42,474 >> IT'S AN AMAZING SHOW. 472 00:25:42,540 --> 00:25:46,044 IT'S VERY MUCH LIKE STEVE AT THE URINAL IN THAT IT STREAMS FOR-- 473 00:25:46,111 --> 00:25:48,446 IT STREAMS FOR 35 MINUTES, YOU KNOW 474 00:25:48,513 --> 00:25:50,415 ( LAUGHTER ) THANK YOU. 475 00:25:50,482 --> 00:25:52,651 THANK YOU SO MUCH. 476 00:25:52,717 --> 00:25:53,718 >> Stephen: 10 TIMES A SEASON. 477 00:25:53,785 --> 00:25:55,687 >> 10 TIMES A SEASON. 478 00:25:55,754 --> 00:25:58,156 >> Stephen: WERE YOU FAMILIAR WITH THESE GUYS' WORK BEFORE-- 479 00:25:58,223 --> 00:26:00,959 DID YOU KNOW WHO ED GRIMLY WAS, FOR INSTANCE? 480 00:26:01,026 --> 00:26:02,127 >> NO. 481 00:26:02,193 --> 00:26:03,361 ( LAUGHTER ). 482 00:26:03,428 --> 00:26:09,367 >> YEAH, BUT I, OBVIOUSLY, KNEW "FATHER OF THE BRIDE," "THREE 483 00:26:09,434 --> 00:26:11,836 AMIGOS," "DIRTY ROTTEN SCOUNDRELS." 484 00:26:11,903 --> 00:26:13,071 ( APPLAUSE ). 485 00:26:13,138 --> 00:26:15,907 >> WHEN WE MET IN THE HALLWAY, SHE CAME UP TO ME AND SAID, "I'M 486 00:26:15,974 --> 00:26:20,011 SO HONORED TO MEET YOU, ANGELA LANSBURY. 487 00:26:20,078 --> 00:26:22,147 >> Stephen: WHAT WAS YOUR FIRST IMPRESSION OF SELENA, 488 00:26:22,213 --> 00:26:23,248 MARTY? 489 00:26:23,315 --> 00:26:26,751 >> I MET HER IN THE MAKEUP CHAIR THE FIRST DAY WE SHOT. 490 00:26:26,818 --> 00:26:32,057 AND I WAS RIGHT AWAY STRUCK BY THIS BEAUTIFUL, ENGAGING, AND 491 00:26:32,123 --> 00:26:32,991 RIGHT AWAY CHARMING PERSON. 492 00:26:33,058 --> 00:26:33,992 >> Stephen: REALLY? 493 00:26:34,059 --> 00:26:36,461 >> IT WAS A-- IT WAS A VERY EASY SHOOT THAT WAY. 494 00:26:36,528 --> 00:26:41,666 BECAUSE WE ALL-- I THINK THE THREE OF US LIKE TO WORK IN 495 00:26:41,733 --> 00:26:45,270 GREAT EAVES, AND SHE WENT RIGHT ALONG. 496 00:26:45,337 --> 00:26:46,771 I DIDN'T KNOW HER. 497 00:26:46,838 --> 00:26:47,372 YOU COULD HAVE BEEN HORRIBLE. 498 00:26:47,439 --> 00:26:48,273 >> I KNOW. 499 00:26:48,340 --> 00:26:49,474 I'M GLAD I'M NOT. 500 00:26:49,541 --> 00:26:50,675 >> NO, NO. 501 00:26:50,742 --> 00:26:53,979 >> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE A QUICK BREAK, BUT STICK AROUND. 502 00:26:54,045 --> 00:26:54,946 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE STEVE MARTIN, MARTIN SHORT, AND 503 00:26:55,013 --> 00:26:56,014 SELENA GOMEZ, EVERYBODY. 504 00:27:05,957 --> 00:27:10,895 >> Stephen: HEY EVERYBODY! 505 00:27:10,962 --> 00:27:13,031 WE'RE BACK WITH THE STARS OF "ONLY MURDERS IN THE BUILDING," 506 00:27:13,098 --> 00:27:17,902 SELENA GOMEZ, STEVE MARTIN AND MARTIN SHORT. 507 00:27:17,969 --> 00:27:18,436 SELENA, YOU'RE 29, RIGHT? 508 00:27:18,503 --> 00:27:19,537 >> YES. 509 00:27:19,604 --> 00:27:21,740 >> Stephen: AND STEVE YOU ARE OLDER THAN THAT. 510 00:27:21,806 --> 00:27:22,607 AND-- >> LIL BIT. 511 00:27:22,674 --> 00:27:26,611 >> I'M 92, EXACTLY INVERSE. 512 00:27:26,678 --> 00:27:30,615 >> Stephen: DO YOU GUYS SENSE THE GENERATIONAL DIVIDE? 513 00:27:30,682 --> 00:27:31,750 >> THERE WAS NO GENERATION GAP. 514 00:27:31,816 --> 00:27:34,586 IN THE MORNING SHE COMES OUT AND SHE PUTS OUT OUR PILLS. 515 00:27:34,652 --> 00:27:35,754 >> YEAH, IT'S NICE. 516 00:27:35,820 --> 00:27:37,322 >> Stephen: THAT'S REALLY NICE. 517 00:27:37,389 --> 00:27:37,856 INTO A LITTLE BOX. 518 00:27:37,922 --> 00:27:38,990 >> THAT'S REALLY SAD. 519 00:27:39,057 --> 00:27:42,927 >> NO, YOU KNOW, TELL THEM ABOUT THE "W.A.P." STORY. 520 00:27:42,994 --> 00:27:44,629 >> OH, WELL, YOU PRONOUNCED IT PROPERLY. 521 00:27:44,696 --> 00:27:49,768 I ENJOYED, OBVIOUSLY LISTENING TO ALL THE MUSIC THAT WE WOULD 522 00:27:49,834 --> 00:27:54,539 ALL LISTEN TO, BILLIE HOLIDAY, JONI MITCHELL, LOUIE ARMSTRONG. 523 00:27:54,606 --> 00:27:55,807 BUT I DECIDED ONE DAY, I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE COOL TO JUST PLAYED 524 00:27:55,874 --> 00:27:59,210 "W.A.P.". 525 00:27:59,277 --> 00:28:01,046 >> (AUDIENCE MEMBER) YEAH! 526 00:28:01,112 --> 00:28:05,216 >> AND-- AND-- AND THEN IT HAPPENED. 527 00:28:05,283 --> 00:28:06,584 >> Stephen: YOU PLAYED IT FOR THEM? 528 00:28:06,651 --> 00:28:11,890 >> YES, THEY WERE AT FIRST VERY CONFUSED AT FIRST. 529 00:28:11,956 --> 00:28:15,393 BUT THEN THEY WERE ON BOARD WITH THE FEMALE EMPOWERMENT PART. 530 00:28:15,460 --> 00:28:18,129 >> IT WAS FANTASTIC, SHE WAS READING THE LYRICS TO STEVE AND 531 00:28:18,196 --> 00:28:20,598 THEY WERE BOTH GOING HYSTERICAL. 532 00:28:20,665 --> 00:28:21,766 THEN I WAS CALLED TO THE SET. 533 00:28:21,833 --> 00:28:24,135 AND THEN STEVE CAME UP TEN MINUTES LATER SAYING, "MARTY, I 534 00:28:24,202 --> 00:28:28,873 JUST HEARD THREE NEW VERSES TO "NEW WHITE TOP HAT AND TAILS." 535 00:28:28,940 --> 00:28:30,108 ( LAUGHS ) >> I KNOW. 536 00:28:30,175 --> 00:28:36,114 >> Stephen: BUT YOU EXPLAINED SOME TERMINOLOGY THAT PERHAPS 537 00:28:36,181 --> 00:28:36,681 WAS NOT IN THEIR VOCABULARY. 538 00:28:36,748 --> 00:28:39,050 >> WE HAD, YOU KNOW... 539 00:28:39,117 --> 00:28:40,118 >> I THINK YOU'D BE SURPRISED. 540 00:28:40,185 --> 00:28:45,390 ( LAUGHS ) WHEN YOU PLAYED THE SONG FOR ME, 541 00:28:45,457 --> 00:28:48,159 I KNEW SONGS LIKE THAT EXISTED, BECAUSE THEY GO BACK TWENTY 542 00:28:48,226 --> 00:28:50,562 YEARS, EVEN THIRTY YEARS. 543 00:28:50,628 --> 00:28:53,398 I DIDN'T KNOW: THEY WERE NUMBER 1. 544 00:28:53,465 --> 00:28:54,532 ( LAUGHS ) >> THOSE SONGS GO BACK THIRTY 545 00:28:54,599 --> 00:28:56,367 YEARS? 546 00:28:56,434 --> 00:28:57,602 >> OOOOH... I'LL TELL YOU LATER. 547 00:28:57,669 --> 00:28:59,270 >> Stephen: WE HAVE A CLIP HERE WHERE YOU EXPLAIN TO THEM WHAT 548 00:28:59,337 --> 00:29:00,105 AN O.G. IS? 549 00:29:00,171 --> 00:29:01,439 >> YES. 550 00:29:01,506 --> 00:29:04,609 IN-- IN THE SCENE, SOMEONE SAYS "YOU'RE AN O.G.." AND STEVE 551 00:29:04,676 --> 00:29:07,512 WALKS UP TO ME AND SAYS, WHAT DOES AN O.G. MEAN? 552 00:29:07,579 --> 00:29:09,114 AND I SAID IT MEANS "ORIGINAL GANGSTER." 553 00:29:09,180 --> 00:29:10,215 HE SAID, "OKAY. 554 00:29:10,281 --> 00:29:14,052 WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?" AND I POINT TO YOU AND TO HIM 555 00:29:14,119 --> 00:29:17,522 AND I SAY, WELL THAT'S YOU, YOU'RE THE O.G.s. 556 00:29:17,589 --> 00:29:21,192 SO, THEY GOT IT AND I TOOK A LITTLE VIDEO OF THEM TRYING DO 557 00:29:21,259 --> 00:29:24,095 IT, AND THEY DON'T LOOK THAT COOL DOING IT. 558 00:29:24,162 --> 00:29:27,365 >> Stephen: HERE'S A CLIP OF THE VOCABULARY SINKING IN: 559 00:29:27,432 --> 00:29:28,633 >> OKAY. 560 00:29:28,700 --> 00:29:29,234 SO, WHAT ARE WE? 561 00:29:29,300 --> 00:29:29,734 JUST TALK. 562 00:29:29,801 --> 00:29:32,637 >> WE'RE THE O.G.s. 563 00:29:32,704 --> 00:29:33,104 >> YES. 564 00:29:33,171 --> 00:29:33,538 STEVE? 565 00:29:33,605 --> 00:29:36,107 ARE YOU AN O.G.? 566 00:29:36,174 --> 00:29:37,408 >> I AM SUCH AN O.G.. 567 00:29:37,475 --> 00:29:40,044 >> NO, YOU DON'T HIT THE "G" LIKE THAT. 568 00:29:40,111 --> 00:29:42,113 IT'S NOT "G-E-E" (LILTING) "OH, GEE." 569 00:29:42,180 --> 00:29:43,781 IT'S NOT THAT. 570 00:29:43,848 --> 00:29:44,649 >> OH. 571 00:29:44,716 --> 00:29:51,789 ( LAUGHS ) >> WE'RE THE O.G.s. 572 00:29:51,856 --> 00:29:55,693 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> YOU KNOW WHAT? 573 00:29:55,760 --> 00:29:57,595 >> Stephen: YOU ARE THE O.G.s, YOU KNOW THAT. 574 00:29:57,662 --> 00:30:00,131 YOU ARE THE O.G.s. 575 00:30:00,198 --> 00:30:03,368 >> YOU KNOW, MEGAN THEE STALLION WROTE A SONG FOR STEVE BECAUSE 576 00:30:03,434 --> 00:30:05,036 AS YOU KNOW, HE IS VERY PALE. 577 00:30:05,103 --> 00:30:06,271 IN FACT, HE PLAYED ALL THE CHALK OUTLINES ON THE SHOW, WHICH IS 578 00:30:06,337 --> 00:30:09,407 INTERESTING. 579 00:30:09,474 --> 00:30:12,310 HE CAN NOT WEAR HIS SKIN PAST LABOR DAY- TOO WHITE. 580 00:30:12,377 --> 00:30:18,950 BUT, YOU KNOW, SHE WROTE A SONG CALLED... EH... "WHITE ASS 581 00:30:19,017 --> 00:30:26,791 PERSON," SO WE KNOW A LITTLE BIT ABOUT WHAT'S GOING ON. 582 00:30:26,858 --> 00:30:29,527 >> Stephen: NOW THERE'S BEEN A LOT OF TEXTING GOING ON IN THE 583 00:30:29,594 --> 00:30:31,696 SHOW, DO YOU HAVE YOUR OWN TEXT CHAIN BETWEEN THE TREE OF YOU? 584 00:30:31,763 --> 00:30:34,966 >> NOPE, IT'S STRICTLY EMAILS WITH THESE GUYS. 585 00:30:35,033 --> 00:30:38,937 >> Stephen: ROTARY PHONES. 586 00:30:39,003 --> 00:30:41,406 >> AND THEY DO SIGN IT. 587 00:30:41,472 --> 00:30:42,974 STEVE MARTIN... THANK YOU. 588 00:30:43,041 --> 00:30:45,977 I KNOW. 589 00:30:46,044 --> 00:30:47,679 >> BUT WHEN WE STARTED COMMUNICATING WE WERE USING PAY 590 00:30:47,745 --> 00:30:48,546 PHONES. 591 00:30:48,613 --> 00:30:51,916 >> YUP. 592 00:30:51,983 --> 00:30:53,918 >> Stephen: IS THERE AND TRADITIONS ON SET EVERYDAY? 593 00:30:53,985 --> 00:30:56,754 I UNDERSTAND THERE IS ONE MARTY DOES FOR YOU. 594 00:30:56,821 --> 00:30:58,957 >> IT'S MY ABSOLUTE FAVORITE. 595 00:30:59,023 --> 00:31:01,693 I LOVE WHEN WE GET TO READ THE NEWS TOGETHER. 596 00:31:01,759 --> 00:31:05,730 THEY JUST GO BOUNCING BACK AND FORTH WITH ALL THESE DIFFERENT 597 00:31:05,797 --> 00:31:06,965 HEADLINES. 598 00:31:07,031 --> 00:31:07,632 AND I LEARN A LOT. 599 00:31:07,699 --> 00:31:10,602 >> LIKE WHO'S PRESIDENT. 600 00:31:10,668 --> 00:31:11,636 >> YEAH. 601 00:31:11,703 --> 00:31:13,738 ( LAUGHS ) >> YOU KEPT SAYING, WE FOUGHT 602 00:31:13,805 --> 00:31:16,941 GERMANY TWICE?" >> (EMBARRASSED LAUGH) 603 00:31:17,008 --> 00:31:18,977 SHUT UP! 604 00:31:19,043 --> 00:31:21,879 I DIDN'T >> HERE'S SOME OF THE HEADLINES, 605 00:31:21,946 --> 00:31:22,981 WE BROUGHT SOME. 606 00:31:23,047 --> 00:31:24,449 >> WHAT? 607 00:31:24,515 --> 00:31:25,149 >> WHAT. 608 00:31:25,216 --> 00:31:25,850 >> NO, WE BROGHT SOME OF THEM. 609 00:31:25,917 --> 00:31:32,957 I KNOW I GET THEM FROM THE POST. 610 00:31:33,024 --> 00:31:36,794 >> IS JILL BIDEN MORE LIKE KENDALL OR KYLIE? 611 00:31:36,861 --> 00:31:40,999 MATT GAETZ TESTS POSITIVE FOR "COVID-I-THOUGHT-SHE-WAS-19." 612 00:31:41,065 --> 00:31:51,309 (PIANO RIFF) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 613 00:31:51,376 --> 00:31:53,244 >> WANT TO TRY ONE? 614 00:31:53,311 --> 00:31:54,379 >> NO GO AHEAD. 615 00:31:54,445 --> 00:31:55,980 >> NEVER STAND BEHIND GWENNETH PALTROW DURING A CLEANSE. 616 00:31:56,047 --> 00:31:58,850 THESE WERE HEADLINES, ACTUAL HEADLINES. 617 00:31:58,916 --> 00:32:00,285 >> Stephen: NOW, THAT LAST ONE IS NEW YOU CAN USE, IS WHAT THAT 618 00:32:00,351 --> 00:32:02,920 LAST ONE WAS. 619 00:32:02,987 --> 00:32:04,589 >> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE A QUICK BREAK, BUT WHEN I COME 620 00:32:04,656 --> 00:32:05,823 BACK, I WILL ASK THE TRIO WHO WOULD BE MOST LIKELY TO MURDER 621 00:32:05,890 --> 00:32:06,224 SOMEONE. 622 00:32:06,291 --> 00:32:08,126 STICK AROUND. 623 00:32:32,016 --> 00:32:33,184 >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY. 624 00:32:33,251 --> 00:32:38,956 WE'RE BACK WITH STEVE MARTIN, MARTIN SHORT, AND SELENA GOMEZ. 625 00:32:39,023 --> 00:32:40,825 THE CHARACTERS ON THE SHOW ARE OBSESSED WITH TRUE CRIME LIKE A 626 00:32:40,892 --> 00:32:44,095 LOT OF PEOPLE ARE. 627 00:32:44,162 --> 00:32:45,797 ARE ANY OF YOU OBSESSED WITH TRUE CRIME STORIES? 628 00:32:45,863 --> 00:32:46,831 YOU ARE. 629 00:32:46,898 --> 00:32:48,099 BOTH OF YOU. 630 00:32:48,166 --> 00:32:51,869 YOU ENJOY LISTENING TO, LIKE-- >> I DO. 631 00:32:51,936 --> 00:32:52,837 >> I'LL GO FIRST AND THEN YOU GO. 632 00:32:52,904 --> 00:32:55,073 >> OKAY, THANK YOU. 633 00:32:55,139 --> 00:32:57,775 >> LAST SUMMER, THERE'S A PODCAST I LISTEN TO. 634 00:32:57,842 --> 00:32:59,744 I WON'T MENTION-- MAYBE I SHOULD MENTION THE NAME. 635 00:32:59,811 --> 00:33:00,578 IT'S AUSTRALIAN. 636 00:33:00,645 --> 00:33:04,082 IT'S CALLED "CASE FILE," AND I LOVE IT. 637 00:33:04,148 --> 00:33:08,086 THE NARRATOR IS AN INDUSTRIALIAN AND IT'S VERY COMPELLING. 638 00:33:08,152 --> 00:33:12,390 AND THE LAST SUMMER I PUT ON MY HEADPHONES, OPEN, OPEN, SO I 639 00:33:12,457 --> 00:33:17,595 COULD HEAR TRAFFIC AND LISTENED TO 1 PEAPT PODCASTS OF THIS 640 00:33:17,662 --> 00:33:18,429 THING. 641 00:33:18,496 --> 00:33:20,331 >> SO YOU HAVE SOME TIME ON YOUR HANDS. 642 00:33:20,398 --> 00:33:22,400 >> YES ( LAUGHTER ). 643 00:33:28,005 --> 00:33:30,942 >> MY MOM AND I WENT TO CRIMECON, WHICH I DIDN'T KNOW 644 00:33:31,008 --> 00:33:33,578 WHAT WAS A THING BUT I WAS SO EXCITED. 645 00:33:33,644 --> 00:33:35,380 >> Stephen: WHAT IS CRIMECON? 646 00:33:35,446 --> 00:33:38,483 >> YOU GET TO GO TO A PLACE WHERE THERE ARE OTHER PEOPLE 647 00:33:38,549 --> 00:33:39,751 LIKE YOU AND WANT TO SOLVE A CASE. 648 00:33:39,817 --> 00:33:41,285 >> YOU KNOW, LIKE BIG STARS. 649 00:33:41,352 --> 00:33:42,820 >> Stephen: SURE. 650 00:33:42,887 --> 00:33:47,558 AND DO ANY OF YOU THINK YOU WOULD BE A GOOD MURDERER? 651 00:33:47,625 --> 00:33:49,761 >> UM, I THINK I WOULD BE PRETTY GOOD. 652 00:33:49,827 --> 00:33:53,931 ( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: WHO IS MOST LIKELY 653 00:33:53,998 --> 00:33:55,566 TO MURDER SOMEONE, OF THE THREE OF YOU? 654 00:33:55,633 --> 00:33:56,200 >> I THINK SELENA. 655 00:33:56,267 --> 00:33:56,901 >> OH! 656 00:33:56,968 --> 00:33:58,503 >> YEAH, YEAH. 657 00:33:58,569 --> 00:34:01,739 >> Stephen: NO ONE WOULD SUSPECT YOU. 658 00:34:01,806 --> 00:34:02,540 NO ONE WOULD SUSPECT YOU AT ALL. 659 00:34:02,607 --> 00:34:03,808 >> TOO INNOCENT. 660 00:34:03,875 --> 00:34:08,212 >> "OH, WHAT, OFFICER?" I ACTUALLY, WHEN I'M-- I'M 661 00:34:08,279 --> 00:34:11,816 CONSTANTLY THINKING-- BECAUSE I'VE BEEN INTO TRUE CRIME-- I'M 662 00:34:11,883 --> 00:34:15,753 ALWAYS THINKING, GOING AROUND THE CITY THINKING, "WHAT'S MY 663 00:34:15,820 --> 00:34:19,457 ALIBI RIGHT NOW?" WHEN I'M IN MY CAR, MY G.P.S., 664 00:34:19,524 --> 00:34:21,325 THEY CAN SAY, "LOOK, HE WAS HERE." 665 00:34:21,392 --> 00:34:24,796 MY PHONE, "AND HE WAS THERE AND IT HIT OFF THAT CELL TOWER. 666 00:34:24,862 --> 00:34:28,733 OH, WHAT DO YOU KNOW, THERE'S A CCTV THERE. 667 00:34:28,800 --> 00:34:30,435 I'LL LOOK INTO THAT." 668 00:34:30,501 --> 00:34:31,702 THEY ALWAYS WILL KNOW WHERE I WAS. 669 00:34:31,769 --> 00:34:34,238 >> Stephen: THAT'S HARDER TO DO NOW BECAUSE YOU'RE WEARING A 670 00:34:34,305 --> 00:34:35,406 MASK ALL THE TIME. 671 00:34:35,473 --> 00:34:39,744 ON THE CCTV, THEY WILL SAY THAT'S YOU, AND YOU WILL SAY HOW 672 00:34:39,811 --> 00:34:40,711 DO YOU KNOW BECAUSE I'M WEARING A MASK. 673 00:34:40,778 --> 00:34:44,248 >> RIGHT AFTER THE SHOW, I'M GOING TO MURDER. 674 00:34:44,315 --> 00:34:46,017 >> Stephen: LOVELY TO SEE YOU. 675 00:34:46,083 --> 00:34:48,820 COME BACK, OR INDIVIDUALLY. 676 00:34:48,886 --> 00:34:53,257 >> HOW LONG IS THIS -- >> Stephen: IT LASTS AS LONG 677 00:34:53,324 --> 00:34:56,427 UNTIL MY WIFE, EVIE, CAN GET HER HANDS ON IT. 678 00:34:56,494 --> 00:34:59,397 SHE'S WAITING AT HOME WITH AN ELECTRIC AZOR. 679 00:34:59,464 --> 00:35:02,099 >> YOU KNOW WHAT I WOULD WANT YOU TO DO? 680 00:35:02,166 --> 00:35:03,167 NOBODY WOULD CATCH ON. 681 00:35:03,234 --> 00:35:05,369 JUST PUT A LITTLE DARKER COLOR IN IT. 682 00:35:05,436 --> 00:35:07,472 >> Stephen: JUST COLOR IT IN A LITTLE BIT. 683 00:35:07,538 --> 00:35:11,175 >> AND SAY, "YOU WON'T BELIEVE WHAT HAPPENED OVERNIGHT?" 684 00:35:11,242 --> 00:35:15,112 >> BUT DYE YOUR HAIR WHITE. 685 00:35:15,179 --> 00:35:19,917 >> Stephen: IF YOU COLOR IT IN, I'M LOOK LIKE TED LASSO. 686 00:35:19,984 --> 00:35:24,856 "ONLY MURDERS IN THE BUILDING" SELL ON HULY. 687 00:35:24,922 --> 00:35:27,425 >> HAVE YOU SEEN IT YES? 688 00:35:27,492 --> 00:35:30,027 >> Stephen: OF COURSE I HAVE. 689 00:35:30,094 --> 00:35:31,195 STEVE MARTIN, MARTIN SHORT, AND SELENA GOMEZ, EVERYBODY! 690 00:35:31,262 --> 00:35:33,264 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH A PERFORMANCE BY THE WAR ON DRUGS. 691 00:35:43,007 --> 00:35:45,176 PROOF" FROM THEIR FORTHCOMING ALBUM, "I DON'T LIVE HERE 692 00:35:45,243 --> 00:35:48,779 ANYMORE, THE WAR ON DRUGS! 693 00:35:48,846 --> 00:35:51,015 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪ ♪ ♪ 694 00:35:58,022 --> 00:36:08,900 ♪ BANGING ON A DRUM YOU TURN, YOU LOSE 695 00:36:08,966 --> 00:36:18,943 ♪ MAYBE I'M THE LIVING PROOF WHAT HAVE I BEEN RUNNING FROM? 696 00:36:19,010 --> 00:36:24,916 ♪ MAYBE I'M THE LIVING PROOF WHAT HAVE I BEEN RUNNING FROM? 697 00:36:24,982 --> 00:36:30,855 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ 698 00:36:30,922 --> 00:36:40,898 ♪ I WENT DOWN TO THE CORNER THEY'RE BUILDING AT MY BLOCK 699 00:36:40,965 --> 00:36:48,906 ♪ MAYBE I'VE BEEN GONE TOO LONG I CAN'T GO BACK 700 00:36:48,973 --> 00:36:56,914 ♪ OH, LONESOME I WILL PROTECT 701 00:36:56,981 --> 00:37:08,893 ♪ I'LL KEEP IMPROVING TAKING ME HOME 702 00:37:08,960 --> 00:37:14,899 ♪ I'M ALWAYS CHANGING NOW I SUPPOSE 703 00:37:14,966 --> 00:37:20,871 ♪ I'M ONLY MOVING I'M IN CHICAGO 704 00:37:20,938 --> 00:37:32,149 ♪ COME TO ME NOW I KNOW THE PATH 705 00:37:32,216 --> 00:37:38,889 ♪ I KNOW IT'S CHANGING I KNOW THE PAIN 706 00:37:38,956 --> 00:37:48,132 ♪ THE PAIN YOU'VE BEEN FEELING I'VE BEEN TO THE PLACE 707 00:37:48,199 --> 00:37:54,138 ♪ THAT YOU'VE TRIED ESCAPING I CAN'T RECALL 708 00:37:54,205 --> 00:38:02,880 ♪ WHAT I BELIEVE IN I'M ALWAYS CHANGING 709 00:38:02,947 --> 00:38:12,923 ♪ LOVE OVERFLOWING AND I'M RISING 710 00:38:12,990 --> 00:38:20,131 ♪ LOVE OVERFLOWING AND I'M RISING 711 00:38:20,197 --> 00:38:32,677 ♪ AND I'M DAMAGED OH, RISING 712 00:38:32,743 --> 00:38:42,720 ♪ OOO ♪ ♪ ♪ 713 00:38:42,787 --> 00:38:56,133 ♪ OOO ♪ ♪ ♪ 714 00:38:56,200 --> 00:38:59,870 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ 715 00:38:59,937 --> 00:39:06,477 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ 716 00:39:06,544 --> 00:39:15,086 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ 717 00:39:15,152 --> 00:39:26,897 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ 718 00:39:26,964 --> 00:39:36,941 ♪ ♪ ♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 719 00:39:37,007 --> 00:39:42,913 ♪ ♪ ♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 720 00:39:42,980 --> 00:39:44,882 >> Stephen: "THE WAR ON DRUGS," EVERYBODY! 721 00:39:44,949 --> 00:39:47,384 THAT'S IT FOR "THE LATE SHOW." 722 00:39:47,451 --> 00:39:50,087 TUNE IN TOMORROW WHEN MY GUESTS WILL BE CHRIS WALLACE AND EMMY 723 00:39:50,154 --> 00:39:52,189 AWARD-WINNING ACTRESS HOLLAND TAYLOR. 724 00:39:52,256 --> 00:39:53,758 JAMES CORDEN IS NEXT. 725 00:39:53,824 --> 00:39:55,826 GOOD NIGHT.