>> THIS MORNING, HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE ARE
CONVERGING ON A SMALL SOUTH DAKOTA TOWN FOR THE ANNUAL
STURGIS MOTORCYCLE RALLY.
IT'S A 10-DAY EVENT.
NO MASK MANDATES, NO VACCINE REQUIREMENTS.
ALL OF THIS AMONG RISING COVID CASES ACROSS THE COUNTRY FUELED
BY THE HIGHLY CONTAGIOUS DELTA VARIANT.
DR. FAUCI SAYS HE'S CONCERNED THAT THIS YEAR'S RALLY COULD
SPARK A NEW SURGE.
♪ ♪ ♪ >> OH, JOHNNY, WHAT ARE YOU
REBELLING AGAINST?
>> TONY FAUCI.
>> STURGIS WAS A MISTAKE.
STURGIS WAS A MISTAKE.
SONNY, GET THE SHOT.
( GUNFIRE ) I SHOULDA SAID VACCINATION.
>> Announcer: IT'S THE "LATE SHOW" WITH STEPHEN COLBERT!
TONIGHT: PLANES, TRAINS, & BIPARTISAN DEALS!
PLUS, STEPHEN WELCOMES ALAN ALDA
GABRIEL IGLESIAS FEATURING JON BATISTE AND
"STAY HUMAN."
AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK
CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: HEY.
HELLO.
HEY.
HAVE A SEAT.
>> Jon: ALL DAY.
>> Stephen: GOOD TO SEE YOU.
HEY!
PLEASE, HAVE A SEAT, EVERYBODY.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
WELCOME ONE AND ALL TO THE LATE SHOW.
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, SOMETHING INCREDIBLE HAPPENED IN THE U.S.
SENATE.
BECAUSE THEY PASSED A $1.2 TRILLION INFRASTRUCTURE BILL.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) TO PUT THAT INTO PERSPECTIVE: IF
YOU TOOK 1.2 TRILLION $1 BILLS AND LAID THEM END TO END, THEY'D
MAKE BETTER ROADS THAN WHAT WE'RE DRIVING ON NOW.
WHICH WHY WE NEED THE BILL.
NOW, SOMETHING.
THIS WASN'T A 50-50 PARTY LINE SPLIT.
THE NUMBER OF SENATORS WHO VOTED FOR THE BILL WAS 69.
>> Jon: YEAH.
NICE!
THAT BIPARTISANSHIP IS STILL POSSIBLE.
IN FACT, 19 REPUBLICAN SENATORS JOINED EVERY DEMOCRAT IN FAVOR.
THE LAST TIME THAT MANY REPUBLICANS CROSSED THE AISLE IN
CONGRESS, IT WAS TO STEAL NANCY PELOSI'S PODIUM.
(LAUGHTER) EVEN, EVEN-- .
>> Jon: THAT REALLY HAPPENED.
>> Stephen: TRUE EVEN SENATE MINORITY LEADER
MITCH McCONNELL VOTED IN FAVOR OF THE LEGISLATION.
MAKES SENSE.
I MEAN TROLLS LOVE BRIDGES.
LOOKED GOOD, HE LOOKS REALLY GOOD.
>> Jon: COME ON G.O.P. SENATORS SAY THIS VOTE
PROVES THAT THE SENATE WORKS, AND THERE'S NO NEED FOR
DEMOCRATS TO CONSIDER GETTING RID OF THE FILIBUSTER.
TAKE WEST VIRGINIA SENATOR SHELLEY MOORE CAPITO, SEEN HERE,
WONDERING WHERE HER GLASSES ARE.
AFTER STRIKING THE DEAL, CAPITO EXPLAINED, "WHAT YOU SEE IS WHEN
WE WORK TOGETHER AND REALLY PUT THE NOSE TO THE GRINDSTONE, WE
CAN GET BIPARTISAN SUPPORT TO MOVE FORWARD."
YES, THEY CAN WORK TOGETHER WHEN REPUBLICANS GO TO THE SENATE AND
PUT THE NOSE TO THE GRINDSTONE, INSTEAD OF GOING TO MAR-A-LAGO
AND PUTTING THE NOSE TO THE HIND HOLE.
(APPLAUSE) CAPITO CONTINUED, "SO I THINK IT
BLUNTS THE ARGUMENT ON THE FILIBUSTER."
NOT NECESSARILY.
THIS ISN'T SOME HUGE ACHIEVEMENT.
IT'S THE BARE MINIMUM WE EXPECT.
SENATES ALWAYS PASS THE ROAD BILL.
INFRASTRUCTURE SPENDING IS A GREAT AMERICAN TRADITION THAT
GOES ALL THE WAY BACK TO WHEN WASHINGTON PAVED THE DELAWARE.
THE BILL WOULD ALSO INVEST $66 BILLION IN PASSENGER AND
FREIGHT RAIL.
WELL, THERE YOU GO.
TRAINS.
THAT'S PRESIDENT BIDEN'S PASSION.
IT REMINDS ME OF WHEN REAGAN HONORED NATIONAL JELLYBEAN DAY
OR WHEN BILL CLINTON STARTED THE WHITE HOUSE INTERN PROGRAM.
THE NEW-- THERE YOU GO.
20 YEARS, IS THAT A 20 YEAR OLD JOKE, A 20 YEAR OLD JOKE, THERE
YOU GO.
AGE AGED BEAUTIFULLY.
THE NEW TRAIN MONEY WOULD ELIMINATE AMTRAK'S MAINTENANCE
BACKLOG AND MODERNIZE THE NORTHEAST CORRIDOR LINE.
SO, NORTHEAST COMMUTERS WILL HAVE BEAUTIFUL NEW SEATS FOR
RANGERS FANS TO PUKE ON.
THE BILL ALSO HAS MONEY TO IMPROVE AMERICANS' ACCESS TO
BROADBAND.
BUT THE BILL HASN'T PASSED THE HOUSE YET, SO YOU'RE GOING WANT
TO BE HOME BETWEEN THE HOURS OF 8:00 A.M. AND 2024.
THERE'S ALSO FUNDING FOR ELECTRIC SCHOOL BUSES.
AND TO MAKE IT EXTRA ENVIRONMENTALLY FRIENDLY, THE
BULLIES WILL SHOOT SPIT BALLS AT YOU WITH PAPER STRAWS, AND THE
WEDGIES WILL BE GLUTEN-FREE.
TODAY, THE SENATE ALSO PASSED A $3.5 TRILLION BUDGET PLAN,
WHICH WOULD EXPAND HEALTH CARE, PROVIDE FREE PRESCHOOL AND
COMMUNITY COLLEGE, AND FUND CLIMATE CHANGE PROGRAMS.
(APPLAUSE) SOUNDS GOOD, EXCEPT THE PART
ABOUT FUNDING CLIMATE CHANGE.
PERSONALLY I THINK WE SHOULD FIGHT IT, BUT WE ALL HAVE TO
COMPROMISE.
THE PLAN WAS PASSED AFTER A SERIES OF RAPID-FIRE VOTES KNOWN
AS A VOTE-A-RAMA THAT LASTED MORE THAN 14 HOURS.
IN FACT, SENATORS EVEN HAD EXTRA PADDING ON THEIR CHAIRS TO MAKE
THE ORDEAL MORE COMFORTABLE.
AND THE CHAIRS WERE PADDED WITH ONLY THE SOFTEST MATERIAL, LIKE
COTTON, GOOSE DOWN, OR TED CRUZ'S SPINE.
PLAWS PLAWTION, TED CRUZ FANSK TED CRUZ FANS HERE TONIGHT.
NOT EVERYONE WAS HAPPY ABOUT THE BUDGET PLAN, LIKE SOUTH CAROLINA
SENATOR LINDSEY GRAHAM, SEEN HERE ENJOYING THE PEANUT BUTTER
HIS HANDLERS PUT ON THE ROOF OF HIS MOUTH.
GRAHAM WAS UNHAPPY WITH THE PRICE TAG.
>> THIS IS THE MOST INFLATIONARY IDEA I'VE EVER SEEN.
YOU'RE SPENDING MONEY LIKE DRUNKEN SAILORS.
>> Stephen: YES.
LIKE DRUNKEN SAILORS.
WE ALL KNOW EVERY FLEET WEEK, THE NAVY COMES
TO TOWN AND ALL THE SAILORS MARAUD ACROSS MANHATTAN FUNDING
UNIVERSAL PRE-K.
WE NEED HEALTHCARE, BECAUSE WE'RE FACING A HUGE COVID SURGE.
AND THAT'S FORCING MANY ARTISTS TO CANCEL CONCERTS, INCLUDING
UPCOMING SHOWS BY MICHAEL BUBLÉE COUNTING CROWS, AND LIMP BIZKIT.
BY THE WAY, A LIMP BIZKIT IS ALSO ONE OF THE SYMPTOMS OF LONG
COVID.
SAD, VERY, VERY SAD.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE).
>> Stephen: REALLY-- THERE YOU GO.
BUT PERHAPS THE MOST UPSETTING MUSICAL CASUALTY OF THE DELTA
VARIANT IS THAT STEVIE NICKS HAS CANCELLED HER CONCERTS FOR 2021,
CITING HER FEAR OF CATCHING COVID.
NO!
NOW YOU'VE DONE IT, AMERICA.
THANKS TO THE "LANDSLIDE" OF CASES, STEVIE CAN PERFORM ONLY
IN OUR "DREAMS."
PLEASE, "DON'T STOP" GETTING VACCINATED.
BECAUSE I'M "NEVER GOING BACK AGAIN" TO THE STORAGE CLOSET.
"RHIANNON."
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) TOTALLY WORTH IT.
>> Jon: DEFINITELY WORTH IT.
>> Stephen: OF COURSE, A BIG REASON PEOPLE
ARE REFUSING TO GET THEIR SHOTS IS ALL THE FAKE NEWS ABOUT
VACCINES THEY CAN READ ON THE INTERNET.
AND I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT IN MY BRAND NEW,
CONSPIRACY-RIDDEN SEGMENT: "DISINFORMATION STATION."
>> THE VACCINE MADE MY PENIS MAGNETIC!
DIDN'T LEAR EVERYTHING HE JUST SAID THERE BUT IT DID NOT SOUND
GOOD.
>> Stephen: FIRST UP IN THE KOO-KOO CHOO-CHOO, THIS WEEK,
FACEBOOK BANNED A RUSSIAN DISINFORMATION NETWORK THAT
CLAIMED CORONAVIRUS VACCINES TURN PEOPLE INTO CHIMPANZEES.
WAIT A SECOND.
WAIT A SECOND!
I'M VACCINATED.
AM I TURNING INTO A CHIMP?
IT WOULD EXPLAIN WHY I LIKE TO RIDE A TRICYCLE WEARING A
TINY HAT.
NEXT UP, A RECENT "NEW YORK TIMES" ARTICLE FEATURED A WOMAN
WHO SAID SHE WAS CONCERNED BECAUSE SHE THOUGHT A VACCINE
HAD CAUSED THE CHARACTERS IN THE FILM "I AM LEGEND" TO TURN INTO
ZOMBIES.
SHE REFUSED THE SHOT BECAUSE IT WAS A PLOT POINT IN A ZOMBIE
MOVIE?
WELL, I DON'T THINK SHE HAS ANYTHING TO WORRY ABOUT BECAUSE
SHE CLEARLY DOESN'T HAVE ANY BRAAAAIIIIIIINS.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) PLUS, SHE'S WRONG.
WHAT HAPPENS IN "I AM LEGEND" IS, AN ATTEMPT TO ENGINEER THE
MEASLES VIRUS INTO A CANCER CURE GOES AWRY, INFECTING MOST OF
HUMANITY AND TURNING PEOPLE INTO ZOMBIE/VAMPIRE HYBRIDS.
VACCINES DO NOT FACTOR INTO THE PLOT.
DO KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS?
"I AM LEGEND" HAS A PLOT.
I HAD NO IDEA.
I THOUGHT IT WAS THE STORY OF WILL SMITH WANTING A SECOND LAKE
HOUSE.
VACCINE MISINFORMATION ISN'T THE ONLY SET OF FALSEHOODS OUT
THERE.
FOLKS STILL BELIEVE THE BIG LIE THAT THE 2020 ELECTION WAS
STOLEN, THANKS TO CONSERVATIVE NEWS OUTLETS LIKE OAN.
BUT NOW OAN FACES A BILLION-DOLLAR LAWSUIT THAT
ALLEGES OAN KNOWINGLY REPORTED DEFAMATORY CLAIMS AGAINST
DOMINION VOTING SYSTEMS, INCLUDING BY ONE "EXPERT
MATHEMATICIAN" NAMED ED SOLOMON.
HERE HE IS: >> YOU CAN USE THE BINOMIAL
PROBABILITY FORMULA, AND THE CHANCE OF THAT EVENT HAPPENING
IS 1/10 TO AN EXPONENT SO LARGE THERE'S NOT ENOUGH STARS IN THE
UNIVERSE-- THERE'S NOT ENOUGH ATOMS IN THE UNIVERSE TO EXPLAIN
THE NUMBER.
>> Stephen: WOW!
BINOMIAL, PROBABILITY, STARS IN THE UNIVERSE?
SOUNDS PRETTY IMPRESSIVE.
UNTIL YOU CRUNCH THE BINOMIALS ON THAT GUY, AND FIND OUT
SOLOMON'S NOT ACTUALLY A MATHEMATICIAN.
HE'S SOME DUDE WITH NO COLLEGE DEGREE WHO INSTALLS SWING SETS.
SO, CLEARLY NOT AN EXPERT ON ELECTION FRAUD.
HE HASN'T EVEN INVENTED ONE PILLOW!
BUT SOLOMON DOES HAVE SOME EXPERIENCE WITH THE LAW,
BECAUSE HE'S ALSO A CONVICTED DRUG DEALER.
I WONDER IF HIS SWING-SET CLIENTS KNOW THAT.
(AS PARENT) "HONEY, THE GUY'S DONE
INSTALLING THE MONKEY BARS, BUT HE SAYS HE'S GOT SOMETHING TO
MAKE IT FUN FOR GROWN-UPS, TOO.
IT'S COCAINE!" THIS JUST SHOWS HOW EFFECTIVE IT
IS WHEN PROPAGANDISTS USE THE AGE-OLD TRICK OF "GUY WITH
GLASSES SAYING MATH WORDS."
ANYONE CAN DO IT.
OKAY, FIRST YOU INVERT THE BINOMIAL PROBABILITY FORMULA TO
MODULATE THE ANGLE DISTRIBUTION, WHICH, OF COURSE, IS A
DERIVATIVE OF THE QUADRATIC INTEGERS.
THEN YOU DIVIDE THE SLOPE INTERCEPT, PLUS OR MINUS ONE
UNSEQUENCED FIBONACCI, FACTORING THE PYTHAGOREAN THEOREM OF YOUR
CALCULUS, AND BOOM.
YOU GOT YOURSELF A TIRE SWING.
NOW, WHO WANTS DRUGS?
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
MY GUEST IS ALAN ALDA.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, THERE'S A MAJOR BREAKTHROUGH IN DUMB
RESPONSES TO COVID.
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!
GIVE IT UP FOR JON BATISTE AND STAY HUMAN.
THE LATE NIGHT BAND.
YOU KNOW, FOLKS, AMERICA IS STILL STRUGGLING WITH
THIS PANDEMIC, BUT THERE IS A GLIMMER OF HOPE...
IF YOU'RE WEALTHY.
BECAUSE "WELLNESS RESORTS ARE EYEING LONG COVID TREATMENTS AS
A NEW MONEYMAKER."
ONE SPA IN THAILAND IS OFFERING TO CAKE A PASTE OF TURMERIC,
GALANGAL, AND KAFFIR LIME ON YOUR CHEST, COVER IT WITH AN
ALCOHOL-DOUSED TOWEL, AND SET IT ALL ON FIRE, FOR THE LOW, LOW
PRICE OF $3,500.
THE TREATMENT IS AN ANCIENT DETOXIFICATION RITUAL, AND THE
PRICE IS A MODERN WALLET CLEANSE.
YOU'RE GUARANTEED TO FEEL GREAT ONCE YOUR EYEBROWS GROW BACK.
THAT SAME SPA ALSO OFFERS A PROGRAM WHERE PATIENTS INHALE
CONCENTRATED OXYGEN IN A HYPERBARIC CHAMBER, PRACTICE
CHEST MUSCLE-STRENGTHENING EXERCISES IN AN OLYMPIC-GRADE
MEDICAL GYM, AND TAKE INTRAVENOUS BLOOD OZONE
TRANSFUSIONS MORE COMMONLY KNOWN AS INJECTING AIR INTO YOUR
VEINS.
BECAUSE NOTHING TAKES YOUR MIND OFF YOUR LONG-HAUL COVID LIKE AN
EMBOLISM.
AND THE ULTRA-WEALTHY ARE NOW SKIPPING THE WAIT TO SEE A
PHYSICIAN BY RETAINING CONCIERGE DOCTORS, WHICH IS LIKE
A REGULAR DOCTOR, BUT HE CAN ALSO BOOK YOU BROADWAY TICKETS.
A CONCIERGE DOCTOR CAN RUN UP TO "$40,000 A YEAR, WITH SOME EVEN
ACCEPTING THAT PAYMENT IN CRYPTOCURRENCY"-- AS ALL THE
MOST TRUSTWORTHY DOCTORS DO.
ALSO, PLEASE REFER TO THEM ONLY AS "THE CROW," AND AFTER YOUR
EXAM, HE'LL WRITE YOU A PRESCRIPTION FOR A
SURFACE-TO-AIR MISSILE.
OF COURSE, ALL THESE COVID-PPORTUNISTS ARE JUST
EMULATING THE QUEEN OF LUXURY HEALTH STYLE BRANDS, GOOP MAVEN,
AND WOMAN WHO WILL NEVER BE HIRED TO DO THE KROGER'S
VALENTINE'S DISPLAY AGAIN, GWYNETH PALTROW.
BUT GWYNETH ISN'T THE ONLY CELEBRITY IN THE
PSEUDO-WELLNESS-HOLISTIC-LIFESTY LE BRAND SPACE.
I ALSO HAVE A LUXURY PRODUCT LINE, AND DADDY WANTS HIS SLICE
OF THE ARTISANAL VENTILATOR.
WHICH IS WHY MY OWN HIGH-END LIFESTYLE BRAND, COVETTON HOUSE,
IS PROUD TO INTRODUCE ITS OWN HEALTHCARE COLLECTION:
COVETTON MED.
>> BAROQUE SIMPLICITY.
SHABBY ELEGANCE.
GIVE ME MONEY.
COVETTON HOUSE.
>> Stephen: WELCOME TO COVETTON MED, WHERE WE KNOW YOUR HEALTH
IS ALMOST AS IMPORTANT TO YOU AS YOUR MONEY IS TO US.
HAS LONG COVID LEFT YOU WITH ENGORGED WALLET?
THEN YOU MUST VISIT OUR NEW WELLNESS SPA, WHICH OFFERS A
TRADITIONAL ROTISSERIE DETOXIFICATION RITUAL.
OUR THERAPISTS WILL LIGHTLY SEASON YOU IN SALT, PEPPER,
SMOKEY PAPRIKA, AND A LITTLE EXTRA VIRGIN OLIVE OIL, THEN
TOSS YOU IN A ZIPLOC BAG TO MARINATE ALL YOUR PARTS, THEN
ROAST YOU AT 450 DEGREES FOR ABOUT 30 MINUTES, DEPENDING ON
YOUR THICKNESS.
WILL YOU STILL HAVE LONG COVID?
YES.
IS THIS JUST MY AUNT'S RECIPE FOR OVEN-ROASTED CHICKEN?
ALSO YES.
THE TREATMENT IS $4,500.
WHICH SOUNDS LIKE A LOT, BUT KEEP IN MIND: YOU COME WITH
FRIES.
NEXT, TAKE A DIP IN COVETTON MED'S SIGNATURE FULL-BODY BLOOD
REPLACEMENT.
WE'LL PUMP YOU FULL OF WHATEVER YOU DECIDE.
WANT THOSE VEINS TO RUN WITH CHAMPAGNE?
YOU GOT IT.
GAZPACHO?
REFRESHING.
EVER HEARD OF CAVIAR BLOOD?
NO?
THAT'S BECAUSE SHE DIDN'T SURVIVE.
BUT SHE DID SIGN THE RELEASE.
$42,000.
KAL TODAY BECAUSE WHEN IT COMES TO COVETTON MED 9 OUT OF 10
DOCTORS AGREE, NOT ON THIS BUT ON SOMETHING SURELY.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH ALAN ALDA.
♪ >> Stephen: HEY.
WELCOME BACK.
YOU'RE ALL RIGHT.
>> Jon: GOT TO FEEL ALL RIGHT.
>> Stephen: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
MY FIRST GUEST IS A WRITER, PODCAST HOST, AND ICON OF STAGE
AND SCREEN.
PLEASE WELCOME THE GREAT ALAN ALDA!
(APPLAUSE).
♪ SCIENCE -- IT'S VERY NICE, WELL, WE KNOW YOU AS AN
AWARD-WINNING ACTOR, WRITER, DIRECTOR BUT YOU'VE ADDED WITH
THE PODCAST A NEW TITLE, THAT IS INTERVIEWER.
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: NOT SO EASY, IS IT, BUDDY?
>> NO, I LOVE IT.
THE I TALK TO THE MOST INTERESTING PEOPLE IN THE WORLD.
>> Stephen: YOU TALK TO ALAN ALDA?
>> I FREQUENTLY DO, AS A MATTER OF FACT, YEAH.
>> Stephen: I LOVE ONE OF THE QUESTIONS YOU ASKED YOUR GUESTS
ARE, AND THE PODCAST IS CALLED CLEAR AND VIVID.
>> YEAH, CLEAR AND VIFER I HAD BECAUSE IT IS ABOUT
COMMUNICATING AND RELATING, SO IN ALL FIELDS, ALL AREAS OF
LIFELIKE MUSIC, WE HAVE YO-YO MA AND ITZAK PEARLMAN, TOM HANKS,
EVERY PART OF LIFE REQUIRES GOOD COMMUNICATION.
SO WE HAVE A FORMER CHIEF HOSTAGE NEGOTIATOR FOR THE FBI,
AND HE SAID HIS TECHNIQUES FOR NEGOTIATING THE RELEASE OF A
HOSS TAJ ARE VERY USEFUL IN A MARRIAGE.
(LAUGHTER).
>> Stephen: WHICH IS GIVE THEM EVERYTHING THEY WANT AND TRY TO
STOP THEM BEFORE THEY GET TO THE PLANE?
WHY DID YOU WANT TO DO A PODCAST.
I KNOW IT IS THE HIP YOUNG THING.
>> THE REASON I DO THE PODCAST IS THAT IT'S FUN.
(APPLAUSE).
>> Stephen: YOU HAVE TWO, RIGHT, SO THERE IS CLEAR AND
VIVID.
>> THE OTHER ONE IS SCIENCE CLEAR AND VIFD, WE ARE DOING A
SERIES OF WOMEN SCIENTISTS, IT'S REALLY FASCINATING.
>> Stephen: CERTAINLY ALL SCIENCE SHOULD BE CLEAR AND
VIFD.
>> THAT IS THE IDEA.
I MEAN SCIENTISTS NEED TO BE ABLE TO SPEAK SPEAK TO THE
PUBLIC AND EXPLAIN WHAT THEY DO SO WE UNDERSTAND IT SO WE CAN
MAKE DECISIONS DECISIONS ABOUT W FUND AND WHAT TO COMPLAIN ABOUT
AND THAT KIND OF THING.
BUT THEY ALSO HAVE TO BE ABLE TO COMMUNICATE WITH ONE ANOTHER.
AND FOR INSTANCE ONE OF OUR, I'M SO PROUD, THE CENTER FOR
COMMUNICATING SCIENCE WHICH I HELPED START AT STONNEEBROOK
UNIVERSITY TEACHES COMMUNICATION TO SCIENTISTS AND DOCTORS,
NURSES.
IT'S IMPORTANT, COMMUNICATION IS SO IMPORTANT IN THE DOCTOR'S
RELATIONSHIP WITH THE PATIENT.
I HAD THE BEST EXPERIENCE WITH A DOCTOR.
I WAS IN CHILE INTERVIEWING THIS CLIMBER THAT WAS ON TOP OF A
MOUNTAIN AND I GOT A WRENCHED GUT.
MY GUT GOT ALL CAUGHT UP AND WAS LOSING BLOOD SUPPLY.
WITHIN ABOUT TWO HOURS I WAS GOING TO BE DEAD.
SO THEY TOOK ME DOWN THE MOUNTAIN TO THIS LITTLE
HOSPITAL.
IN THIS SMALL TOWN.
AND THERE WAS THIS BRILLIANT SURGEON THERE.
AND HE COMMUNICATED TO ME SO BEAUTIFULLY.
HE SAID HERE IS WHAT IS HAPPENING.
SOME OF YOUR INTESTINE HAS GONE BAD AND WE HAVE TO CUT OUT THE
BAD PART AND SEW THE TWO GOOD ENDS TOGETHER.
AND I SAID OH YOU'RE GOING TO DO AN END-TO-END ANASTOMOSIS.
(APPLAUSE) HE SAID HOW DID YOU KNOW THAT.
I SAID OH, I DID MANY OF THEM ON "MASH."
>> Stephen: ONE OF THE GREATEST SHOWS OF ALL TIME.
I KNOW ITS THAT BEEN A LONG TIME SINCE YOU DID IT BUT WHAT ARE
YOUR FONDEST MEMORIES OF DOING THAT SHOW.
>> IT'S BEEN 50 YEARS.
I DON'T HAVE ANY.
>> Stephen: WIPED CLEAN.
>> NO, I'M JUST KIDDING AROUND.
WE DO LOVE EACH OTHER, THOSE OF US WHO ARE LEFT.
AND WE GET TOGETHER AS MUCH AS WE CAN.
I TRY TO VISIT CALIFORNIA ONCE A YEAR MAINLY TO SEE THOSE PEOPLE.
>> Stephen: WOW.
LEAST FOND MEMORY OF DOING THE SHOW FOR 11 YEARS.
BECAUSE THAT IS ONE OF THE GREATEST T STRRKS RECORDS OF ALL
TIME.
>> I DON'T-- YOU KNOW, WE WENT INTO THIS CAVE OF THE SOUND
STAGE BEFORE DAWN AND WE LEFT IN THE DARK AT THE END OF THE DAY
AND WE SPENT 11 YEARS JUST WITH RUN ANOTHER.
SO IT IS LIKE SAYING WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE MEMORY OF YOUR
FAMILY.
YOU HEAR THAT FAMILY WORD A LOT.
WHAT IS YOUR LEAST FAVORITE MEMORY.
OH YEAH, I DID GET SPANKED A LOT.
>> Stephen: THE WHOLE THING ABOUT GOING INTO THE CAVE AND
BEING THERE ALL DAY, THAT IS A BIG PART OF BEING A PERFORMER
THAT PEOPLE DON'T NECESSARILY KNOW WHO AREN'T IN SHOWBIZ.
WE BOTH WERE AT DIFFERENT TIMES MEMBERS OF THE SECOND CITY
FAMILY IN CHICAGO.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) >> HALF THE AUDIENCE IS FROM
CHICAGO.
>> Stephen: WE SHIP THEM IN.
THERE WAS A DIRECTOR AND TEACHER THERE NAMED JOSEPHINE FORCEBERG
WHO SAID FOR PEOPLE FAMOUS IN MY GENERATION, SHE SAID TO A YOUNG
ACTOR SO YOU WANT TO DO THIS FOR A LIVING.
AND HE GOES YES, YES, I REALLY DOSM AND SHE SAID BE PREPARED TO
SPEND MANY BEAUTIFUL DAYS IN DARK, DIRTY ROOMS.
SNS.
>> ISN'T THAT INTERESTING.
THEATERS ARE SO, THEY HAVE A SPECIAL SMELL FROM THE DIRT.
>> Stephen: YES, CABARET THEATERS EVEN MORE BECAUSE OF
ALL THE BEER SOAKED INTO THAT.
UNBELIEVABLY FILTHY.
>> I ACTUALLY LOVE THAT SMELL OF BACKSTAGE.
WELL, I LOVE THE SMELL OF BEER, ACTUALLY.
>> Stephen: WELL, WHAT DID YOU TAKE FROM THAT, DOING IMPROVE
SPHWHRAITION CERTAINLY SHAPED WHO MI AS A PERFORMER.
>> IT COMPLETELY CHANGED ME AND I THINK IT HAS CHANGED EVERY
ACTOR WHO HAS DONE IT FOR SOME PERIOD OF TIME.
BECAUSE YOU GET-- DID YOU EVER DO THE VIOLA PROIM VIEZING.
>> HI IMIMPROVIZATION BY BIOLA WITH THE EXERCISES INSIDE, YES.
>> THE THING IS YOU GET, THE BASIS OF IT IS CONNECTION WITH
THE OTHER PERSON, THAT IS WHY WHEN WE TRAIN SCIENTISTS TO
COMMUNICATE BETTER, WE START WITH AN IMPROVIZATION EXERCISE.
>> Stephen: DO THE IMPROV.
>> YES, SOME BASIC EXPERIENCES BECAUSE YOU CAN'T REALLY
COMMUNICATE WITH SOMEBODY UNLESS YOU LET THEM INTO YOUR FIELD OF
VISION, YOUR CONSCIOUSNESS.
AND IF YOU DO THAT, YOU KNOW IF THEY ARE FOLLOWING YOU, IF THEY
ARE SIM PATHETIC TO WHAT ARE YOU SAYING OR IF THEY ARE IN LEFT
FIELD SOMEWHERE.
AND YOU CAN GET IT TBAK TO THEM.
ALSO IF YOU ARE GOING TO TALK TO THEM WITH-- NOT AN ARGUMENT, I
MEAN TO SAY A POINT OF VIEW THAT THEY MIGHT NOT GO FOR, YOU HAVE
TO KNOW WHO THEY ARE.
AND PART OF THAT IS LISTENING TO THEM, WATCHING THEM, AND THEN
YOU KNOW HOW TO SPEAK TO THEM SO THAT YOU DON'T O HE-- OFFEND
THEM OR TURN THEM OFF.
IF IS REALLY SOMETHING THAT EVERY FAMILY NEEDS NOW BECAUSE
FAMILIES DON'T TALK TO ONE ANOTHER.
>> Stephen: YOU ALSO, YOU WERE ON BROADWAY AT 19, IS THAT TRUE?
>> I WAS UNDERSTUDYING ANOTHER ACTOR WHEN I WAS 19.
I WAS IN COLLEGE.
AND THE SHOW OPENED DURING THE CHRISTMAS VACATION.
AND IT CLOSED BY THE TIME WE WENT BACK TO SCHOOL.
(LAUGHTER) BUT THAT'S NOTHING.
HAVE I BEEN IN PLAYS THAT CLOSED DURING THE INTERMISSION.
>> Stephen: REALLY.
>> ALMOST.
>> Stephen: AND DO YOU MISS BEING ON-- DO YOU MISS BEING ON
STAGE, DO YOU MISS THEATER.
>> NO, I'M MOST AT HOME ON THE STAGE, TO BE WITH YOU FOLKS
TONIGHT IS A REAL PLEASURE.
IN A GREAT THEATER.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) I JUST, I LOVE THE STAGE.
THE STAGE IS ELEMENTAL.
YOU ARE ALL IN THE SAME ROOM TOGETHER AND YOU ARE ALL GOING
TO SOME IMAGINARY PLACE TOGETHER.
AND IT IS ALL AN ACTIVE IMAGINATION.
>> Stephen: DOES IMPROV EVER COME INTO YOUR, LIKE YOUR
STRAIGHT THEATER WORK.
LIKE WHEN THINGS GO SIDEWAYS DO YOU HAVE TO SORT OF ROLL WITH
SOMETHING UNEXPECTED.
>> AT THE TIME I WAS VERY YOWK I WEUSED TO LOVE IT WHEN AN ACTOR
WOULD FORGET TO MAKE AN ENTRANCE.
BECAUSE THEN I HAD THE WHOLE PLAY TO MYSELF.
AND I COULD MAKE UP ANYTHING I WANTED.
I COULD EVEN WRITE THEM OUT OF THE PLAY.
>> Stephen: ALAN, WE HAVE TO TAKE A QUICK BREAK, PLEASE DON'T
GO ANYWHERE, WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE ALAN ALDA.
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY.
WE'RE HERE WITH NATIONAL TREASURE ALAN ALDA.
YOU ARE KNOWN FOR PLAYING HIGH STATUS CHARACTERS.
CERTAINLY DOCTORS, SCIENTISTS SENATORS.
HAVE YOU EVER WANTED TO OR HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ABLE TO PLAY A
RAL KNUCKLE DRAGGER.
JUST AN ABSOLUTE DOLT STH.
>> MOST OF THE HIGH PROFILE PEOPLE I PLAY READY DOLTS.
(LAUGHTER) I MEAN WE'RE ALL DRK OLTS.
I ALWAYS LOVE TO FIND WHAT THERE IS IN ANY CHARACTER THAT HAS GOT
HUMAN FRAIL TEE ATTACHED TO IT, YOU KNOW.
HOW ARE THEY NOT PERFECT.
THAT MAKES ME-- BECAUSE I THINK REGRETTABLE THINGS, DOING
REGRETTABLE THINGS IS WHAT MAKES A PLAY WORK.
PEOPLE ACT ON EACH OTHER IN WAYS THEY WISH THEY HADN'T.
>> WHEN I WAS AT SECOND CITY I WAS SORT OF STUCK IN HIGH
PROFILE, HIGH STATUS ROLES ALL THE TIME.
SO I WOULD MAKE MYSELF DO THINGS, ON STAGE AND OFF THAT
WERE EMBARRASSING TO MY DIGNITY IN ORDER TO TRY AND LOWER MY
STATUS.
>> TELL ME ABOUT IT IT THAT SOUNDS GREAT.
>> Stephen: REALLY?
, I WOULD DO THINGS OUT.
>> LET'S SAY ARE YOU ON CLEAR AND VIVID RIGHT NOW.
>> Stephen: WELL, I USED TO DO THING.
I WOULD GO OUT, GO INTO AN ELEVATOR OR SOMETHING LUKE THAT
WITH STRANGERS, LIKE IN THE REAL WORLD AND I WOULD START SINGING
OUT LOUD.
WHICH IS INCREDIBLY EMBARRASSING THING TO DO.
NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR YOU DO THAT.
AND I WOULD TRY TO BREATHE IN HOW EMBARRASSING AND HOW KIND OF
HUMILIATING IT FELT TO DO THAT AND HAVE EVERYONE JUDGING ME AND
WISHING I WOULD STOP.
SO I WOULD BE ABLE TO FEEL THAT UNPROTECTED FEELING.
BECAUSE LIKE CHARACTERS ARE WEARING ARMOR ALL THE TIME.
I USED TO WALK ACROSS THE STREET AND PRETEND TO BE A SQUIRREL
POOPING IN ORDER TO LOWER MY-- THE TRICK WAS I HAD TO
CONTINUE TO DO IT UNTIL I GOT ACROSS THE STREET NO MATTER WHAT
PEOPLE SAID OR LOOKED AT ME.
>> SO SQUIRRELS, YOU HAVE OBSERVED ALK ACROSS WHILE THEY
POOP?
>> Stephen: SQUIRRELS WALK WHILE THEY POOP, YOU DON'T KNOW
THIS.
THEY DO THIS, THEY DO THIS.
SQUIRRELS KIND OF DO, THIS BECAUSE THEY STAND UP ON THEIR
BEHIND LEGS AND WHEN THEY POOP THEY KIND OF SPREAD IT OUT, THEY
DO THIS.
(APPLAUSE) >> DO IT AGAIN.
(APPLAUSE).
>> Stephen: AND I WOULD DO THAT ACROSS THE CITY STREET TO
TRY TO GET MYSELF OUT OF MY SORT OF PROTECTIVE HIGH STATUS
ARMOUR.
>> NOW THAT'S JUST A BIT, RIGHT, SQUIRRELS DON'T POOP AND WALK AT
THE SAME TIME.
>> Stephen: THEY REALLY DO.
>> THEY SHOULDN'T HAVE MISSED CLASS THAT DAY.
(LAUGHTER).
>> Stephen: I THINK THEY DO.
>> IT'S ALL IMAGINATION.
>> Stephen: YES, ALAN T IS LOVELY TO YOU HAVE, THANK YOU SO
MUCH FOR BEING HERE.
>> I HAVE HAD SUCH A GOOD TIME.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) NEW EPISODES OF THE "CLEAR AND
VIVID" AND "SCIENCE CLEAR AND VIVID" PODCASTS ARE AVAILABLE
WEEKLY.
ALAN ALDA, EVERYONE!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
>> AND NOW A PENGUIN WHO JUMPS EVERY TIME HE HEARS.
>> I THOUGHT A HUG AND PUTTING MY ARM AROUND A STAFF PERSON
WHILE TAKING A PICTURE WAS FRIENDLY.
I MEANT IT TO BE ENDEARING.
MY SENSE OF HUMOR CAN BE INSENSITIVE AND OFFPUTTING.
>> HOW LONG IS THIS SPEECH.
>> MY WAY OF SAYING, I SEE YOU.
>> I WOULDN'T HAVE GONE SO HARD IN THE BEGINNING IF I KNEW IT
WAS THIS LONG.
>> I JUST WASN'T THINKING.
>> I WANT TO BE HELPFUL, IT'S JUST I CAN'T.
>> DIDN'T HE ALSO KILL A BUNCH OF PEOPLE.
YOU WOULD THINK HE WOULD BE ON HIS HEELS MORE.
>> BECAUSE I TRULY BELIEVE IT IS POLITICALLY MOTIVATED.
>> OKAY, THATS THAT GOT TO BE THE LAST.
WHAT THE.
>> NO EXCUSES.
WELCOME BACK.
MY NEXT GUEST IS A POPULAR STANDUP COMEDIAN WHO IS
CURRENTLY ON HIS "BEYOND THE FLUFFY" WORLD TOUR.
HIS NEW MOVIE IS "SPACE JAM: A NEW LEGACY." PLEASE WELCOME TO
"THE LATE SHOW" GABRIEL IGLESIAS!
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) WITHIN AWESOME.
>> Stephen: THANKS FOR BEING HERE, NICE TO MEET YOU.
>> THANK YOU, LIKEWISE, I'M SURPRISE WE HAVEN'T MET SOONER.
>> Stephen: YEAH, YEAH, THERE ARE A LOT OF PEOPLE IN THE
WORLD, YOU KNOW.
I HEARD SOMETHING THAT YOU HAD TO CANCEL SOME SHOWS BECAUSE
YOU, ABOUT A MONTH AGO OR SOMETHING YOU CONTRACTED COVID
EVEN THOUGH YOU HAVE BEEN VACCINATED.
>> YES.
>> Stephen: SO YOU ARE ONE OF THOSE BREAKTHROUGHS.
>> JUST MY LUCK.
>> Stephen: HOW ARE YOU FEELING?
>> I'M FEELING GOOD, NO, I'M KIDDING.
(LAUGHTER).
>> Stephen: THERE YOU GO.
WELL, WHAT WAS IT LIKE, DO THEY SAY THEY ARE TELLING US IF YOU
GET VACCINATED EVEN IF YOU GET IT, IT IS VERY MILD, WHAT WAS IT
LIKE.
>> WELL, FOR ME, WHEN I GOT SICK IT WAS LESS THAN 24 HOURS.
HI CHILLSK I HAD BODY ACHES BUT HAVE I HAD HANG OVERS THAT
LASTED LONGER.
>> Stephen: YOU ARE GRATEFUL TO HAVE HAD THE VACCINE.
>> I'M VERY GRATEFUL, BECAUSE I'M 45.
OVERWEIGHT, DIABETIC, HYPERTENSION, HIGH CHOLESTEROL,
I HAVE EVERY REASON IN THE WORLD TO BE SICK RIGHT NOW AND
FORTUNATELY I'M NOT, SO YES.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE).
>> Stephen: YOU ARE, YOU KNOW YOU ARE ALSO THE VOICE OF SPEEDY
GONZALEZ IN THE NEW SPACE JAM MOVE-- MOVIE FOR THOSE WHO DON'T
REMEMBER WHAT SPEEDY LOOKS LIKE.
WERE YOU ALWAYS A SPEEDY FAN.
>> SPEEDY GONZALEZ WAS OUR HERO GROWING UP IN THE HOUSE.
I NEVER SAW HIM AS A BAD CHARACTER.
IS HE MEXICAN.
>> Stephen: NO PROBLEM WITH THE HISPANIC COMMUNITY.
>> HE IS MEXICAN AN FAST, THAT IS A JOB SECURITY WHERE I AM
FROM.
>> HE'S AWESOME.
SO WHEN THEY ASKED ME TO BE SPEEDY GONZALEZ WITHOUT AN
AUDITION, I THOUGHT THAT WAS AMAZING.
>> Stephen: WITHOUT AN AUDITION.
>> WITHOUT AN AUDITION, GREATEST PHONE CALL, WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE
IN SPACE JAM, I'M LIKE SURE, THEN I'M ON A PHONE CALL WITH
THE DIRECTOR AND WRITER.
DO YOU THINK THAT MAYBE YOU WANT TO CHANGE THE VOICE.
AND I THOUGHT THAT WAS PRETTY AWESOME THAT THEY WOULD GIVE ME
THAT POWER.
I SAID NO, WHEN PEOPLE SEE SPEEDY TBON GON, I DON'T WANT
THEM TO THINK OF ME.
I WANT THEM TO THINK OF SPEEDY GONZALEZ, SO YEAH, YOU KNOW.
AND THEN THE QUESTION WAS ASKED, CAN YOU DO SPEEDY GONZALEZ.
AND I'M LIKE WELL, HOW DID I GET THE PART, YOU KNOW.
AND I'M LIKE OH, OH, OH.
THEY NEEDED A BIG GROWN QUHEELD.
AND SO-- (LAUGHTER)
SO THEN THEY SAID CAN YOU DO SPEEDY.
I SAID OF COURSE SCI DO IT, NEXT THING YOU KNOW I'M ON A CUL WITH
A SOUND CHECK, HE'S ALL RIGHT SPEEDY GONZALEZ TAKE ONEK
WHENEVER YOU ARE READY, I SAID GO OVER TO, O LA A MEGA I'M
SPEED GONZALEZ, THE FASTEST-- IN MOUSE IN ALL MEXICO, ANDOLE.
THE PRODUCER, DIRECTOR AND WRITER WERE ALL THREE LIKE THAT
WAS PERFECT.
I SAID I KNOW, I'VE BEEN MEXICAN A LONG TIME.
>> Stephen: WOW.
>> I SAID DON'T JUST THINK THAT BECAUSE I'M MEXICAN CAN I ONLY
DOT MEXICAN CHARACTER.
I SAID I DO VOICES FOR A LIVING, IF GIVEN THE OPPORTUNITY CAN I
VOICE THE ENTIRE FILM BY MYSELF.
YEAH.
I SAID YOU WANT MARVIN THE MAR SHAGS, OH MY, O MY MODULATOR.
YOU WANT, HEY, YOSEMITE SAM.
>> THAT BE RATE YOU WANT BUG BUNNY.
WAS' UP DOC.
I SAID YOU CAN FIRE ALL THE OTHER VOICE ACTORS RIGHT NOW, I
WILL DO THE WHOLE MOVE DWREE FOR HALF.
>> Stephen: THEY SHOULD HAVE TAKEN YOU UP ON IT.
OKAY.
YOU ARE NOT ONLY THE VOICE OF AN ICONIC CHARACTER, THIS IS TRULY
AN ACHIEVEMENT.
YOU ARE ALSO BECOME THE FACE OF AN ICONIC BRAND.
DO WE HAVE A CLOSE ENOUGH SHOT THERE.
TAPATUO HOT SAUCE, THAT IS YOU RIGHT THERE.
THIS I LOVE.
HOW DID THIS COME ABOUT.
>> WELL, TAPATIO IS EL IS BRAILTING 50 YEARS OF BEING AN
AMAZING HOT SAUCE AND HAVE I BEEN USING THEM SINCE I WAS A
KID.
I USED TO TELL STORY, THE BOTTLE ACTUALLY HAS A MARIACHI ON THE
FRONT THARK IS USUALLY THE PICTURE.
THIS IS A SPECIAL EDITION ONE WHERE I GOT TO BE ON IT.
AND AS A KID MY DAD WAS A MARIACHI BUT KIND OF MIA.
SO THERE WAS NOT A WHOLE LOT OF PHOTOS OF HIM.
SO I WOULD ASK MY MOM, WHAT DOES MY DAD LOOK LIKE.
SHE GRABBED THE HOT SAUCE.
HE LOOKS LIKE THAT.
AND SO THE FAMILY HAD SEEN ME DO THE JOKE ABOUT THE HOT SAUCE AND
MY DAD AND THEY THIS REACHED OUT.
THEY SAID LOOK, IT IS 50 YEARS STRK MY ANNIVERSARY, WE WANTED
TO REACH OUT TO SOME PEOPLE THAT WERE GENUINE FANS OF THE
PRODUCT.
AND THE NEXT THING I KNOW THE OPPORTUNITY CAME UP WOULD YOU
LIKE TO BE THE FIRST PERSON EVER FEATURED ON THE BOTTLE.
AND I SAID I WOULD LOVE IT TO AND THEY LET ME BRING MY DOG.
>> Stephen: CONGRATULATIONS.
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: WAIT A SECOND, HOT AND FLUFFY SAUCE.
>> HOT AND FLUFFY.
>> Stephen: YOUR NICKNAME IS FLUFFY, WHY.
>> IT STAY NICKNAME GIVEN TO ME MANY YEARS, I SAID MOM, I'M FAT.
SHE SAID MIJO, ARE YOU NOT FAT, I'M FLUFFY, ALL RIGHT.
>> Stephen: WAS YOUR MOTHER A LOONY TUNES CHARACTER.
>> I THINK SHE WAS.
>> Stephen: YOU HAVE THIS ONE OTHER THING WHICH I THINK THIS
IS PRETTY GREAT.
YOU GOT AN INTERESTING COLLECTION.
YOU COLLECT V-W MICROBUSES.
>> YES.
>> Stephen: SO LOOK AT THAT BEAUTIFUL COLLECTION THERE.
WHY THIS-- WHENEVER I SEE ONE IT TAKING ME BACK TO MY CHILDHOOD
AND I WANT ONE.
A, WHERE CAN YOU GET A GOOD ONE AND HOW DID YOU GET INTO THIS.
>> WELL, MY FIRST CAR WAS ACTUALLY A VOLKSWAGEN BUS.
AND I HAD GOTTEN MY GIRLFRIEND AT THE TIME BACK HER FIRST CAR.
I WANTED TO SEE IF I COULD GET A VOLKSWAGEN BUS, ONE TURNED INTO
TWO, THREE, FOUR, FIVE.
I JUST BOUGHT A BUILDING AND I FILLED UP THE ENTIRE BUILDING
WITH USES ABOUT,.
>> Stephen: HOW MANY BUSES.
>> THERE ARE ABOUT 30.
>> Stephen: HAVE YOU DRIVEN ALL OF THEM.
>> YES, I FIT IN ALL OF THEM TOO BECAUSE THAT IS A QUESTION.
THAT IS A QUESTION.
SOMEONE ASKED ME WHY SO MANY CARS.
I SAID I DIDN'T HAVE A COCAINE HABIT SO I HAD TO SPEND THE
MONEY SOMEWHERE.
SO I WENT FOR IT.
AND IT WORKED OUT.
>> Stephen: GABRIEL, LOVELY TO MEET YOU.
>> LIKEWISE.
>> Stephen: THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING HERE.
BEYOND THE FLUFERY COME DEE TOUR TICKETS ON SALE NOW.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
THAT'S IT FOR "THE LATE SHOW."
TUNE IN TOMORROW WHEN MY GUEST WILL BE JENNIFER HUDSON.
GOOD NIGHT.