1 00:00:01,301 --> 00:00:03,803 >> OVER THE PAST SEVERAL DECADES, THE OLYMPIC VILLAGE HAS 2 00:00:03,870 --> 00:00:05,839 DEVELOPED A BIT OF A REPUTATION. 3 00:00:05,905 --> 00:00:11,111 THAT REPUTATION INVOLVES HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF CONDOMS 4 00:00:11,177 --> 00:00:12,312 AND A LOT OF PEOPLE USING THEM. 5 00:00:12,379 --> 00:00:15,115 >> ACCORDING TO A SOCIOLOGIST WHO STUDIES SEXUALITY, SEX IN 6 00:00:15,181 --> 00:00:19,085 THE VILLAGE IS GOING TO HAPPEN MORE THAN EVER BEFORE. 7 00:00:19,152 --> 00:00:22,021 >> AND IT'S NOT JUST THE ATHLETES GEARING UP. 8 00:00:22,088 --> 00:00:32,065 THE OLYMPIC MASCOTS ARE ALSO GETTING IN ON THE ACTION. 9 00:00:32,132 --> 00:01:17,410 THE OLYMPIC MASCOTS ARE ALSO GETTING IN ON THE ACTION. 10 00:01:17,477 --> 00:01:22,582 >> Announcer: IT'S "THE LATE SHOW" WITH STEPHEN COLBERT! 11 00:01:22,649 --> 00:01:26,386 TONIGHT, INTO THE SICK OF IT. 12 00:01:26,453 --> 00:01:31,524 PLUS STEPHEN WELCOMES HANNAH EINBINDER AND COMEDIAN ALEX 13 00:01:31,591 --> 00:01:35,128 FALCONE WITH A SPECIAL APPEARANCE BY ZACH SNYDER, 14 00:01:35,195 --> 00:01:38,298 FEATURING JON BATISTE AND "STAY HUMAN." 15 00:01:38,364 --> 00:01:42,302 AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK 16 00:01:42,368 --> 00:01:45,371 CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT! 17 00:01:45,438 --> 00:01:51,110 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪♪ 18 00:01:51,177 --> 00:02:02,655 >> Stephen: HEY! 19 00:02:02,722 --> 00:02:03,022 WHOO! 20 00:02:03,089 --> 00:02:04,457 >> Jon: HEY! 21 00:02:04,524 --> 00:02:05,825 HEY! 22 00:02:05,892 --> 00:02:18,304 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: WELCOME ONE AND 23 00:02:18,371 --> 00:02:19,105 ALL, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. 24 00:02:19,172 --> 00:02:20,273 WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW." 25 00:02:20,340 --> 00:02:26,679 I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT, AND I HAVE GREAT NEWS ABOUT 26 00:02:26,746 --> 00:02:27,747 COVID 19. 27 00:02:27,814 --> 00:02:31,050 IT'S SOMETHING I WISH I COULD SAY. 28 00:02:31,117 --> 00:02:35,255 UNFORTUNATELY -- ON THE LITTLE PROMPTER IT SAYS COVID 19 CASES 29 00:02:35,321 --> 00:02:37,457 NEARLY TRIPLED IN THE U.S. IN THE LAST TWO WEEKS. 30 00:02:37,524 --> 00:02:38,658 COME ON, AMERICA! 31 00:02:38,725 --> 00:02:45,431 FOR PETE'S SAKE! 32 00:02:45,498 --> 00:02:47,934 HOW MANY TIMES DO WE HAVE TO MAKE THE SAME MISTAKES BEFORE 33 00:02:48,001 --> 00:02:49,269 THE CONSEQUENCES ARE DIFFERENT? 34 00:02:49,335 --> 00:02:50,203 ( LAUGHTER ) THIS SURGE IS ESPECIALLY HARD ON 35 00:02:50,270 --> 00:02:51,337 DOCTORS. 36 00:02:51,404 --> 00:02:52,405 ONE HOSPITAL ADMINISTRATOR DESCRIBED HIS STAFF THIS WAY: 37 00:02:52,472 --> 00:02:53,540 THEY ARE TIRED. 38 00:02:53,606 --> 00:02:55,275 THEY ARE THINKING, HIS IS DEÉJÀA VU ALL OVER AGAIN. 39 00:02:55,341 --> 00:03:01,214 THAT, OF COURSE, IS A QUOTE BY BASEBALL GREAT,YOGI BERRA. 40 00:03:01,281 --> 00:03:02,916 REMINDS ME OF ONE OF HIS OTHER FAMOUS SAYING: 41 00:03:02,982 --> 00:03:07,921 THE FUTURE AIN'T WHAT IT USED TO BE, AND NEITHER ARE THE 42 00:03:07,987 --> 00:03:11,691 UNVACCINATED. 43 00:03:11,758 --> 00:03:20,500 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 44 00:03:20,567 --> 00:03:26,105 IF YOU'RE LOOKING FOR A GOOD DOCTOR, ESPECIALLY AN 45 00:03:26,172 --> 00:03:27,941 ANESTHESIOLOGIST IN THE WILLIAMSBURG AREA OF VIRGINIA, 46 00:03:28,007 --> 00:03:36,149 LOOK NO FURTHER THAN DR. RON -- >> ROD. 47 00:03:36,215 --> 00:03:39,886 >> Stephen: -- ROD -- FERNANDEZ. 48 00:03:39,953 --> 00:03:42,755 >> Stephen: -- FERNANDEZ. 49 00:03:42,822 --> 00:03:43,590 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF ) 50 00:03:43,656 --> 00:03:43,957 THERE YOU GO. 51 00:03:44,023 --> 00:03:51,164 RIGHT THERE. 52 00:03:51,230 --> 00:03:58,938 IN WILLIAMSBURG, HE WILL ANESTHETIZE YOU WITH A BUTTER 53 00:03:59,005 --> 00:03:59,939 CHURN. 54 00:04:00,006 --> 00:04:12,552 ( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 55 00:04:12,619 --> 00:04:18,091 >> Stephen: BACK TO OUR MONOLOGUE ALREADY IN PROGRESS. 56 00:04:18,157 --> 00:04:19,792 ( LAUGHTER ) MOST OF THIS INCREASE WAS CAUSED 57 00:04:19,859 --> 00:04:21,060 BY THE DELTA VARIANT, BUT THAT'S NOT THE ONLY FLAVOR OF COVID OUT 58 00:04:21,127 --> 00:04:22,462 THERE. 59 00:04:22,528 --> 00:04:26,165 AND EXPERTS ARE WARNING: MORE VARIANTS ARE COMING. 60 00:04:26,232 --> 00:04:27,367 OH, NO. 61 00:04:27,433 --> 00:04:30,937 THIS IS GONNA BE JUST LIKE THE REAL HOUSEWIVES, NEW VARIANTS 62 00:04:31,004 --> 00:04:32,205 POPPING UP ALL OVER THE COUNTRY. 63 00:04:32,271 --> 00:04:32,839 IT'S ONLY A MATTER OF TIME UNTIL ONE OF THE STRAINS RELEASES ITS 64 00:04:32,905 --> 00:04:37,577 OWN LINE OF VODKA. 65 00:04:37,644 --> 00:04:39,846 ( LAUGHTER ) SOME OF THESE NEW VARIANTS ARE 66 00:04:39,912 --> 00:04:41,080 ALREADY MAKING A SPLASH. 67 00:04:41,147 --> 00:04:43,483 ILLINOIS IS REPORTING SIX TIMES MORE GAMMA VARIANT CASES THAN 68 00:04:43,549 --> 00:04:44,684 DELTA. 69 00:04:44,751 --> 00:04:48,521 GAMMA IS A VARIANT FIRST IDENTIFIED IN BRAZIL -- 70 00:04:48,588 --> 00:04:50,690 WHICH MAKES IT EASY TO DETECT. 71 00:04:50,757 --> 00:04:55,795 HERE'S NORMAL COVID. 72 00:04:55,862 --> 00:04:56,729 AND HERE'S THE BRAZILIAN. 73 00:04:56,796 --> 00:05:08,574 ( LAUGHTER ) NOW, THERE'S NO REASON TO WORRY 74 00:05:08,641 --> 00:05:11,878 ABOUT ANY OF THIS IF YOU'RE VACCINATED. 75 00:05:11,944 --> 00:05:13,479 THE SCIENTIFIC COMMUNITY AGREES THAT THE VACCINES ARE UP TO THE 76 00:05:13,546 --> 00:05:16,516 CHALLENGE OF EVOLVING VARIANTS. 77 00:05:16,582 --> 00:05:17,750 HEAR THAT, PANDEMIC? 78 00:05:17,817 --> 00:05:20,887 WE CAN TAKE WHATEVER NEW STUFF YOU THROW AT US! 79 00:05:20,953 --> 00:05:22,522 DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MANY NEW FLAVORS OF OREOS WE'VE 80 00:05:22,588 --> 00:05:25,758 ENDURED? 81 00:05:25,825 --> 00:05:33,166 ( LAUGHTER ) CANDY CORN, PINA COLADA, PEEPS, 82 00:05:33,232 --> 00:05:34,333 WASABI! 83 00:05:34,400 --> 00:05:35,301 IF YOU'RE VACCINATED, YOU CAN EAT A WHOLE SLEEVE OF ANY OF 84 00:05:35,368 --> 00:05:38,571 THOSE AND PROBABLY NOT END UP IN THE HOSPITAL. 85 00:05:38,638 --> 00:05:39,639 ( LAUGHTER ) THE ONLY THING SPREADING FASTER 86 00:05:39,706 --> 00:05:41,774 THAN COVID VARIANTS, IS COVID MISINFORMATION. 87 00:05:41,841 --> 00:05:43,176 ESPECIALLY ON SOCIAL MEDIA. 88 00:05:43,242 --> 00:05:46,312 IN RESPONSE, FACEBOOK HAS BEEN HUNTING DOWN AND REMOVING GROUPS 89 00:05:46,379 --> 00:05:49,749 THAT PRESENT MISLEADING OR SENSATIONALIZED INFORMATION 90 00:05:49,816 --> 00:05:52,485 ABOUT VACCINES. 91 00:05:52,552 --> 00:05:53,786 IF YOU'RE LYING ABOUT THE VACCINE, MARK ZUCKERBERG WILL 92 00:05:53,853 --> 00:05:57,757 HUNT YOU DOWN. 93 00:05:57,824 --> 00:06:01,761 BY LAND OR BY SEA. 94 00:06:01,828 --> 00:06:05,765 FACEBOOK FINDS THE GROUPS USING KEYWORDS, BUT THEY'RE HAVING 95 00:06:05,832 --> 00:06:08,434 TROUBLE BECAUSE SOME ANTI-VAX GROUPS ARE CHANGING THEIR NAMES 96 00:06:08,501 --> 00:06:10,336 TO EUPHEMISMS LIKE DANCE PARTY IN ORDER TO SKIRT BANS FROM 97 00:06:10,403 --> 00:06:12,672 FACEBOOK. 98 00:06:12,739 --> 00:06:14,340 SO GET READY FOR NEW DANCE CRAZES LIKE "ACTUAL SATURDAY 99 00:06:14,407 --> 00:06:21,748 NIGHT FEVER," "THE HARLEM ACHE," AND "THE FLOSS, OF TASTE & 100 00:06:21,814 --> 00:06:24,083 SMELL." 101 00:06:24,150 --> 00:06:26,385 ( LAUGHTER ) THEY DON'T JUST AVOID DETECTION 102 00:06:26,452 --> 00:06:27,553 WITH THE NAMES OF THE GROUPS, THEY ALSO USE CODE IN THEIR 103 00:06:27,620 --> 00:06:30,957 POST. 104 00:06:31,023 --> 00:06:34,994 FOR EXAMPLE, INSTEAD OF GOT THE VACCINE, THEY SAY DRANK 105 00:06:35,061 --> 00:06:38,231 BEER, DANCED OR DRANK BEER. 106 00:06:38,297 --> 00:06:41,734 REFERENCES TO PFIZER GENERALLY USE THE TERMS PIZZA, MODERNA IS 107 00:06:41,801 --> 00:06:45,404 REFERRED TO AS MOANA. 108 00:06:45,471 --> 00:06:48,975 DANCING, BEER, PIZZA, MOANA. 109 00:06:49,041 --> 00:06:52,512 IF YOU'RE GOING TO DESCRIBE SOMETHING THAT YOU THINK IS 110 00:06:52,578 --> 00:06:56,048 KILLING EVERYBODY, MAYBE DON'T USE CODE WORDS THAT YOU THINK 111 00:06:56,115 --> 00:06:57,483 EVERYBODY UNIVERSALLY LOVES. 112 00:06:57,550 --> 00:06:58,718 MIGHT AS WELL JUST SAY MY SISTER DANCED WITH A LAUNDRY 113 00:06:58,785 --> 00:07:00,920 BASKET FULL OF PUPPIES AND NOW, I'M AFRAID SHE'S GIVEN ME ROCK 114 00:07:00,987 --> 00:07:02,955 HARD ABS. 115 00:07:03,022 --> 00:07:04,056 ( LAUGHTER ) AND NOW SHE'S PRESSURING THE 116 00:07:04,123 --> 00:07:08,928 WHOLE FAMILY TO DRINK A CHOCOLATE MILKSHAKE WITH JASON 117 00:07:08,995 --> 00:07:09,695 SUDEIKIS. 118 00:07:09,762 --> 00:07:12,999 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 119 00:07:13,065 --> 00:07:16,936 IN ONE POST, A WOMAN EXPLAINED HER HUSBAND HAD BECOME SICK 120 00:07:17,003 --> 00:07:20,506 AFTER GOING ON A CROSS COUNTRY TRIP WHERE WE SPENT 2 NIGHTS 121 00:07:20,573 --> 00:07:22,074 WITH DANCERS. 122 00:07:22,141 --> 00:07:24,510 ( LAUGHTER ) IN THIS CASE, DANCERS IS CODE 123 00:07:24,577 --> 00:07:27,380 FOR VACCINATED PEOPLE. 124 00:07:27,446 --> 00:07:29,015 BUT NOW HER HUSBAND HAS THE PERFECT ALIBI FOR GOING TO STRIP 125 00:07:29,081 --> 00:07:29,916 CLUBS. 126 00:07:29,982 --> 00:07:34,453 (AS HUSBAND) "HONEY, I SPENT THE NIGHT WITH 127 00:07:34,520 --> 00:07:40,560 TWO DANCERS AND NOW I HAVE CHLAMYDIA." 128 00:07:40,626 --> 00:07:41,093 FAUCI! 129 00:07:41,160 --> 00:07:45,598 DAMN YOU, FAUCI! 130 00:07:45,665 --> 00:07:50,336 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Jon: HEY! 131 00:07:50,403 --> 00:07:54,340 >> Stephen: OF COURSE, THE PANDEMIC HAS AGGRAVATED OUR 132 00:07:54,407 --> 00:07:56,709 PRE-EXISTING CONDITION OF OBSCENELY RICH PEOPLE. 133 00:07:56,776 --> 00:07:58,344 ACCORDING TO BLOOMBERG SUPERYACHT, CHARTERS ARE UP OVER 134 00:07:58,411 --> 00:08:01,781 340%. 135 00:08:01,848 --> 00:08:02,982 THIS IS DISGUSTING. 136 00:08:03,049 --> 00:08:05,084 IN A TIME OF DIRE NEED, THE ULTRA-RICH SHOULDN'T BE BLOWING 137 00:08:05,151 --> 00:08:06,319 THEIR MONEY ON BOATS. 138 00:08:06,385 --> 00:08:10,556 THAT'S MONEY THAT COULD BE USED TO LAUNCH GIANT PENISES INTO 139 00:08:10,623 --> 00:08:14,327 SPACE. 140 00:08:14,393 --> 00:08:17,230 ( APPLAUSE ) IT'S NOT JUST CHARTERS. 141 00:08:17,296 --> 00:08:18,431 YACHT SALES ARE ALSO BOOMING. 142 00:08:18,497 --> 00:08:23,102 SOME BILLIONAIRES ARE BUILDING SUCH BIG YACHTS, THEY CAN COST 143 00:08:23,169 --> 00:08:26,873 OVER $500 MILLION, AND ARE IN AN ELITE NEW VESSEL CATEGORY: THE 144 00:08:26,939 --> 00:08:28,140 GIGAYACHT. 145 00:08:28,207 --> 00:08:34,380 COMPARED TO A MEGAYACHT, A GIGA YACHT CAN HOLD A THOUSAND TIMES 146 00:08:34,447 --> 00:08:35,181 MORE DOUCHEBAGS. 147 00:08:35,248 --> 00:08:42,321 ( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 148 00:08:42,388 --> 00:08:46,225 MEGA TO GIGA, TERA. 149 00:08:46,292 --> 00:08:48,895 THESE YACHTS HAVE EVERYTHING YOU COULD WANT AND A LOT YOU DON'T. 150 00:08:48,961 --> 00:08:52,798 ONE YACHT HAD A DEDICATED COCAINE ROOM. 151 00:08:52,865 --> 00:08:54,200 I'M GOING TO SAY... 152 00:08:54,267 --> 00:08:58,337 IF YOU HAVE A DEDICATED COCAINE ROOM, I'M GUESSING EVERY ROOM IS 153 00:08:58,404 --> 00:09:00,439 A DEDICATED COCAINE ROOM. 154 00:09:00,506 --> 00:09:01,674 ( LAUGHTER ) IT'S NOT JUST THE BOATS 155 00:09:01,741 --> 00:09:02,909 THEMSELVES. 156 00:09:02,975 --> 00:09:04,377 DURING THEIR TIME AT SEA, THE WEALTHY FIND WAYS TO WASTE THEIR 157 00:09:04,443 --> 00:09:05,611 MONEY ON OTHER VEHICLES. 158 00:09:05,678 --> 00:09:08,514 FOR EXAMPLE, MANY YACHTS WILL HAVE A CHOPPER, COME TO 159 00:09:08,581 --> 00:09:11,517 REPLENISH THE CAVIAR SUPPLY HALFWAY THROUGH A TRIP. 160 00:09:11,584 --> 00:09:17,290 THAT MUST BE TRAUMATIC FOR THE FISH WATCHING FROM THE OCEAN. 161 00:09:17,356 --> 00:09:18,224 ( LAUGHTER ) "LOOK HONEY, THE KIDS ARE HERE 162 00:09:18,291 --> 00:09:21,627 TO VISIT! 163 00:09:21,694 --> 00:09:22,862 WHAT? 164 00:09:22,929 --> 00:09:23,362 NO! 165 00:09:23,429 --> 00:09:28,401 TOAST POINTS?! 166 00:09:28,467 --> 00:09:33,606 ( LAUGHTER ) THESE YACHTS ALSO KEEP 167 00:09:33,673 --> 00:09:34,473 THEMSELVES WELL STOCKED IN LUXURY HUMAN 168 00:09:34,540 --> 00:09:35,675 REFRESHMENT. 169 00:09:35,741 --> 00:09:37,910 SOME BIG SPENDERS FILL A SECONDARY SUPERYACHT WITH WOMEN, 170 00:09:37,977 --> 00:09:40,379 WHO ARE CALLED DAY-USE GIRLFRIENDS. 171 00:09:40,446 --> 00:09:44,350 AND WE'VE FOUND IT! 172 00:09:44,417 --> 00:09:45,384 ( DING-DING ) THE WORLD'S GROSSEST COMBINATION 173 00:09:45,451 --> 00:09:46,052 OF THREE WORDS! 174 00:09:46,118 --> 00:09:49,622 JIMMY, TELL US WHAT WE'VE WON. 175 00:09:49,689 --> 00:09:52,391 >> PARALYZING NIGHTMARES ABOUT THE CONSEQUENCES OF LATESTAGE 176 00:09:52,458 --> 00:09:53,626 CAPITALISM. 177 00:09:53,693 --> 00:10:00,633 ALSO, A BROYHILL DINETTE SET BROYHILL: NO SEX WORKERS WERE 178 00:10:00,700 --> 00:10:05,638 EMPLOYED IN THE MANUFACTURING OF THIS TABLE. 179 00:10:05,705 --> 00:10:07,273 BACK TO YOU, STEVE. 180 00:10:07,340 --> 00:10:12,511 >> Stephen: THANK YOU, JOHNNY. 181 00:10:12,578 --> 00:10:13,779 ( APPLAUSE ) >> STEPHEN: BEFORE I GET INTO MY 182 00:10:13,846 --> 00:10:21,620 NEXT STORY, I JUST WANT TO SAY, KEEP IN MIND -- EVERYONE'S FINE. 183 00:10:21,687 --> 00:10:22,455 >> I'M OK. 184 00:10:22,521 --> 00:10:25,624 >> STEPHEN: TODAY ON EVERYONE'S FINE. 185 00:10:25,691 --> 00:10:30,563 TEN PEOPLE WERE HURT IN A DIPPIN' DOTS FACTORY EXPLOSION. 186 00:10:30,629 --> 00:10:33,799 NO ONE WAS SERIOUSLY INJURED, WHICH IS ACTUALLY SURPRISING. 187 00:10:33,866 --> 00:10:38,571 THAT STUFF'S LIKE PASTEL BUCK SHOT. 188 00:10:38,637 --> 00:10:40,406 ( LAUGHTER ) AND I'M BEING TOLD WE HAVE 189 00:10:40,473 --> 00:10:47,313 FOOTAGE OF THE EXPLOSION. 190 00:10:47,380 --> 00:10:51,484 WOW, EVERYONE WHO WORKS AT DIPPIN DOTS IS SUPER HOT! 191 00:10:51,550 --> 00:10:52,651 ( LAUGHTER ) THE EXPLOSION HAPPENED WHEN A 192 00:10:52,718 --> 00:10:56,589 TRUCK WAS UNLOADING LIQUID NITROGEN, THE SUBSTANCE USED TO 193 00:10:56,655 --> 00:10:58,391 FLASHFREEZE DIPPIN' DOTS, INTO THE BUILDING. 194 00:10:58,457 --> 00:11:01,627 LIQUID NITROGEN, OF COURSE, IS THE HEALTHIEST INGREDIENT IN 195 00:11:01,694 --> 00:11:03,896 DIPPIN' DOTS. 196 00:11:03,963 --> 00:11:05,097 ( LAUGHTER ) NOW, IF YOU THOUGHT THIS 197 00:11:05,164 --> 00:11:08,134 HEADLINE WAS FUNNY, SHAME ON YOU. 198 00:11:08,200 --> 00:11:10,403 BECAUSE WHAT'S ACTUALLY FUNNY IS THAT THIS IS THE SECOND DIPPIN' 199 00:11:10,469 --> 00:11:12,805 DOTS FACTORY EXPLOSION IN TWO YEARS. 200 00:11:12,872 --> 00:11:16,375 IT'S LIKE THE OLD SAYING, BLOW UP THE DIPPIN DOTS FACTORY ONCE, 201 00:11:16,442 --> 00:11:19,078 SHAME ON ME. 202 00:11:19,145 --> 00:11:20,446 BLOW IT UP TWICE... 203 00:11:20,513 --> 00:11:21,313 WHY DID THEY REBUILD IT? 204 00:11:21,380 --> 00:11:25,618 NOBODY ACTUALLY LIKES DIPPIN' DOTS. 205 00:11:25,684 --> 00:11:29,622 BUT CLEARLY, THERE'S A PATTERN. 206 00:11:29,688 --> 00:11:38,631 ( APPLAUSE ) BUT CLEARLY, THERE'S A PATTERN. 207 00:11:38,697 --> 00:11:40,366 SOMEONE IS OUT TO GET DIPPIN DOTS. 208 00:11:40,433 --> 00:11:41,634 WHY? 209 00:11:41,700 --> 00:11:46,138 MAY I REMIND YOU: DIPPIN DOTS IS THE ICE CREAM OF THE FUTURE. 210 00:11:46,205 --> 00:11:49,642 SOMEONE IS STOPPING AT NOTHING TO MAKE SURE THAT FUTURE NEVER 211 00:11:49,708 --> 00:11:50,709 COMES TO PASS. 212 00:11:50,776 --> 00:11:53,646 HERE'S MY THEORY -- THE TECHNOLOGICAL DOT-IFICATION 213 00:11:53,712 --> 00:11:57,616 OF AMERICA'S STRATEGIC ICE CREAM RESERVE LEADS TO SKYNET AND 214 00:11:57,683 --> 00:12:00,719 SELF-AWARE KILLER DESSERTMAKING ROBOTS ENSLAVE HUMANITY. 215 00:12:00,786 --> 00:12:02,721 BUT FREEDOM FIGHTERS FROM THE FUTURE ARE SENDING THEMSELVES 216 00:12:02,788 --> 00:12:05,624 BACK IN TIME TO SOFT-SERVE SOME JUSTICE. 217 00:12:05,691 --> 00:12:09,061 JUST CONNECT THE TINY FROZEN DOTS WE ALREADY KNOW THAT THE 218 00:12:09,128 --> 00:12:10,196 ONLY WAY TO DEFEAT THE TIME-TRAVELING KILLER ROBOTS IS 219 00:12:10,262 --> 00:12:13,632 LIQUID NITROGEN. 220 00:12:13,699 --> 00:12:19,505 ( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 221 00:12:19,572 --> 00:12:20,306 THAT'S IT! 222 00:12:20,372 --> 00:12:21,373 >> Jon: THEN THEY'RE DONE. 223 00:12:21,440 --> 00:12:26,645 >> Stephen: CASE CLOSED! 224 00:12:26,712 --> 00:12:27,513 NEED MORE PROOF? 225 00:12:27,580 --> 00:12:29,615 LISTEN CAREFULLY TO THIS FAMOUS LINE -- 226 00:12:29,682 --> 00:12:33,652 >> I'LL BE BACK... 227 00:12:33,719 --> 00:12:36,889 FOR SPRINKLES. 228 00:12:36,956 --> 00:12:38,858 >> STEPHEN: WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT, MY GUEST 229 00:12:38,924 --> 00:12:42,128 IS THE STAR OF "HACKS," HANNAH EINBINDER. 230 00:12:42,194 --> 00:12:44,130 BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, MEANWHILE. 231 00:12:44,196 --> 00:12:45,297 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪♪ 232 00:13:05,217 --> 00:13:17,796 ♪♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 233 00:13:17,863 --> 00:13:24,870 >> Stephen: JON BATISTE AND "STAY HUMAN," EVERYBODY! 234 00:13:24,937 --> 00:13:32,144 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) JON -- 235 00:13:32,211 --> 00:13:33,345 >> YES. 236 00:13:33,412 --> 00:13:33,879 >> Stephen: IN JUST A MINUTE, JON, HAVE YOU WATCHED THE SHOW 237 00:13:33,946 --> 00:13:34,813 "HACKS." 238 00:13:34,880 --> 00:13:37,716 >> Jon: HANNAH WAS ON OUR SHOW BEFORE COVID. 239 00:13:37,783 --> 00:13:39,018 >> Stephen: EXACTLY. 240 00:13:39,084 --> 00:13:43,589 ONE TO HAVE THE STAR OF "HACKS," HANNAH EINBINDER, IS GOING TO BE 241 00:13:43,656 --> 00:13:45,257 ON HERE IN A MOMENT. 242 00:13:45,324 --> 00:13:48,561 IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN "HACKS," IT'S A FANTASTIC SHOW. 243 00:13:48,627 --> 00:13:53,999 I KNOW WE HAVE TO GET GOING, BUT I WAS WATCHING "MAYOR OF 244 00:13:54,066 --> 00:13:57,036 EASTTOWN" AND I'M A BIG GENE SMART FAN. 245 00:13:57,102 --> 00:14:01,240 AND THEN SOMEBODY SAID IF YOU LIKE THAT, YOU SHOULD WATCH 246 00:14:01,307 --> 00:14:04,243 "HACKS," BECAUSE JEAN SMART IS IN THERE. 247 00:14:04,310 --> 00:14:07,446 I SAID, WHO'S THIS HANNAH EINBINDER? 248 00:14:07,513 --> 00:14:10,849 THEY SAID, SHE'S BEEN ON YOUR SHOW. 249 00:14:10,916 --> 00:14:12,451 >> Jon: YEAH, SHE WAS ON THE SHOW. 250 00:14:12,518 --> 00:14:14,553 >> Stephen: THAT WAS THE ONLY OTHER THING SHE'S DONE IN 251 00:14:14,620 --> 00:14:15,888 TELEVISION IS YOUR SHOW. 252 00:14:15,955 --> 00:14:20,059 AND IT WAS LIKE A WEEK BEFORE WE WE WANTED OFF THE WARE IN 2020. 253 00:14:20,125 --> 00:14:24,330 EARLY MARCH OF 2020, SHE WAS ON THE SHOW. 254 00:14:24,396 --> 00:14:27,900 SO I WENT BACK AND WATCHED AND IT WAS GREAT. 255 00:14:27,967 --> 00:14:32,371 THEN I REALIZED, OVER, I WANT TO TALK TO HER NOW BECAUSE SHE WAS 256 00:14:32,438 --> 00:14:35,841 ON THE SHOW AND I'M VERY PROUD THAT WE RECOGNIZE TALENT. 257 00:14:35,908 --> 00:14:36,775 >> Jon: YES. 258 00:14:36,842 --> 00:14:39,211 >> Stephen: SHE'S TALENTED, SHE'S FANTASTIC. 259 00:14:39,278 --> 00:14:39,878 >> Jon: LEVELED UP. 260 00:14:39,945 --> 00:14:42,214 >> Stephen: SHE'S INCREDIBLE. 261 00:14:42,281 --> 00:14:43,515 STICK AROUND FOR THAT. 262 00:14:43,582 --> 00:14:44,383 ARE WE HERE? 263 00:14:44,450 --> 00:14:45,451 WHERE ARE WE. 264 00:14:45,517 --> 00:14:47,853 >> Stephen: IT'S LIKE THE FIRST TIME I HAVE BEEN ON 265 00:14:47,920 --> 00:14:49,188 TELEVISION. 266 00:14:49,255 --> 00:14:50,656 ( LAUGHTER ) FRIENDS, EVERY NIGHT I STAND 267 00:14:50,723 --> 00:14:54,326 OVER THERE, CAREFULLY LIGHTING AND STAGING THE DAY'S MOST 268 00:14:54,393 --> 00:14:56,629 TOPICAL NEWS STORIES, COMPOSING GROUNDBREAKING ORCHESTRAL 269 00:14:56,695 --> 00:14:59,965 ARRANGEMENTS TO SUPPORT THEM, THEN METICULOUSLY CHOREOGRAPHING 270 00:15:00,032 --> 00:15:03,869 THEM AND MYSELF IN A DELICATE, HEARTBREAKING, YET UPLIFTING 271 00:15:03,936 --> 00:15:07,873 PAS-DEDEUX, TO PRESENT FOR YOU THE EPOCH-DEFINING BALLET THAT 272 00:15:07,940 --> 00:15:09,141 IS MY MONOLOGUE. 273 00:15:09,208 --> 00:15:14,179 BUT SOMETIMES, I FISH A STAINED VELOUR JUMPSUIT OUT OF A CANAL, 274 00:15:14,246 --> 00:15:15,881 HOOK A RADIO I RIPPED OUT OF A GARBAGE TRUCK TO AN ABANDONED 275 00:15:15,948 --> 00:15:19,485 CAR BATTERY, SLAP THE DIAL THROUGH FUZZ TILL IT LANDS ON A 276 00:15:19,551 --> 00:15:23,889 RANDOM A.M. OLDIES STATION, THEN SHAKE MY ASS FOR NICKELS IN THE 277 00:15:23,956 --> 00:15:31,930 DEMENTED VAGRANT MACARENA OF NEWS OF THAT IS MY SEGMENT: 278 00:15:31,997 --> 00:15:32,798 >> (ECHOING) MEANWHILE! 279 00:15:32,865 --> 00:15:39,872 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: HEY! 280 00:15:39,938 --> 00:15:43,876 THERE IT IS! 281 00:15:43,942 --> 00:15:47,680 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) MEANWHILE, BAD NEWS FROM THE 282 00:15:47,746 --> 00:15:51,650 TOKYO GAMES, POLAND HAS SENT SIX SWIMMERS HOME FROM THE OLYMPICS 283 00:15:51,717 --> 00:15:56,455 AFTER SELECTING TOO MANY BY MISTAKE. 284 00:15:56,522 --> 00:15:58,891 ( LAUGHTER ) TURNS OUT, UPON CLOSER REVIEW, 285 00:15:58,957 --> 00:16:01,927 WHAT THEY THOUGHT WAS ONE SWIMMER WAS ACTUALLY 286 00:16:01,994 --> 00:16:04,830 THREE SWIMMERS IN A TRENCHCOAT ( LAUGHTER ) 287 00:16:04,897 --> 00:16:07,933 MEANWHILE, TWITTER IS OFFICIALLY OFFICIALLYTESTING A DISLIKE 288 00:16:10,536 --> 00:16:11,670 BUTTON. 289 00:16:11,737 --> 00:16:14,306 FINALLY, WE'LL BE ABLE TO FIND OUT IF PEOPLE ON TWITTER HATE 290 00:16:14,373 --> 00:16:15,107 SOMETHING. 291 00:16:15,174 --> 00:16:24,316 ( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 292 00:16:24,383 --> 00:16:27,886 MEANWHILE, AT A WILDWOOD, NEW JERSEY AMUSEMENT PARK 293 00:16:27,953 --> 00:16:31,056 A SEAGULL HIT A TEEN IN THE FACE. 294 00:16:31,123 --> 00:16:32,658 STILL THE MOST SANITARY THING THAT'S EVER HAPPENED AT AN 295 00:16:32,725 --> 00:16:35,894 AMUSEMENT PARK. 296 00:16:35,961 --> 00:16:39,665 ( LAUGHTER ) LUCKILY, THE GIRL, 13-YEAR OLD 297 00:16:39,732 --> 00:16:44,636 KILEY HOLMAN, WASN'T HURT, AND SHE HANDLED IT REALLY WELL: 298 00:16:44,703 --> 00:16:47,206 >> HAPPY BIRTHDAY. 299 00:16:47,272 --> 00:16:48,073 BYE! 300 00:16:48,140 --> 00:16:54,279 ( SCREAMING ) >> A BIRD FLEW ON MY FACE. 301 00:16:54,346 --> 00:16:55,881 A BIRD FLEW ON MY FACE. 302 00:16:55,948 --> 00:16:58,650 OH MY GOD! 303 00:16:58,717 --> 00:17:02,521 I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE THIS VIDEO! 304 00:17:02,588 --> 00:17:07,893 >> STEPHEN: GOOD FOR YOU, KILEY. 305 00:17:07,960 --> 00:17:09,762 SHE WAS COOL AS A CUCUMBER. 306 00:17:09,828 --> 00:17:14,633 AND I THINK WE ALSO HAVE AUDIO OF THE SEAGULL. 307 00:17:14,700 --> 00:17:16,935 >> THERE'S A GIRL ON ME. 308 00:17:17,002 --> 00:17:18,170 GET IF OFF. 309 00:17:18,237 --> 00:17:19,872 OH MY GOD! 310 00:17:19,938 --> 00:17:26,645 I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE THE VIDEO ( LAUGHTER ) 311 00:17:26,712 --> 00:17:27,980 MEANWHILE, IN ASTRONOMY NEWS, ACCORDING TO A NEW PHYSICS 312 00:17:28,046 --> 00:17:31,250 THEORY, THE UNIVERSE IS A GIANT DONUT THAT WE LIVE INSIDE. 313 00:17:31,316 --> 00:17:33,285 RAISING THE PHILOSOPHICAL QUESTION: COULD GOD CREATE A 314 00:17:33,352 --> 00:17:39,892 DONUT SO BIG, NOT EVEN HE COULD EAT IT? 315 00:17:39,958 --> 00:17:44,630 UNFORTUNATELY, I AM NOT CURRENTLY HIGH ENOUGH TO ANSWER 316 00:17:44,696 --> 00:17:46,665 THAT. 317 00:17:46,732 --> 00:17:48,400 BUT IF OUR UNIVERSE IS A DONUT, WE NEED TO KNOW: IS IT GLAZED OR 318 00:17:48,467 --> 00:17:50,536 SPRINKLED? 319 00:17:50,602 --> 00:17:52,871 GET ON IT, SCIENCE MEANWHILE NETFLIX IS PLANNING AN EXPANSION 320 00:17:52,938 --> 00:17:55,908 INTO VIDEO GAMES, FOR THE PURPOSE OF HELPING MARKET 321 00:17:55,974 --> 00:17:57,309 EXISTING SHOWS. 322 00:17:57,376 --> 00:17:58,677 THAT'S EXCITING NEWS. 323 00:17:58,744 --> 00:18:02,614 AND I WAS LUCKY ENOUGH TO GET A BETA VERSION OF "BRIDGERTON:" 324 00:18:02,681 --> 00:18:11,256 THE VIDEO GAME: ♪♪ 325 00:18:11,323 --> 00:18:12,458 >> LOOK AT YOU, YOU'RE DOWNRIGHT FLUSHED. 326 00:18:12,524 --> 00:18:13,158 >> THAT IS WHAT HAPPENS. 327 00:18:13,225 --> 00:18:14,326 >> WHEN ONE IS ANGRY. 328 00:18:14,393 --> 00:18:17,796 >> WHEN ONE BURNS FOR SOMEONE WHO DOES NOT FEEL THE SAME. 329 00:18:17,863 --> 00:18:27,840 ♪♪ ( LAUGHTER ) 330 00:18:27,906 --> 00:18:35,681 ♪♪ ( LAUGHTER ) 331 00:18:35,747 --> 00:18:37,115 >> STEPHEN: WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH A BOLD NEW VISION FOR THE 332 00:18:37,182 --> 00:18:39,918 LATE SHOW FROM DIRECTOR ZACK SNYDER. 333 00:18:39,985 --> 00:18:40,652 ♪♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 334 00:18:49,561 --> 00:18:57,769 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪♪ 335 00:18:57,836 --> 00:18:58,403 >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY! 336 00:18:58,470 --> 00:19:02,007 WELCOME BACK! 337 00:19:02,074 --> 00:19:08,046 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WELCOME 338 00:19:08,113 --> 00:19:09,281 BACK. 339 00:19:09,348 --> 00:19:13,051 YOU KNOW, FOLKS, EVEN WHEN I WAS ALL ALONE IN A STORAGE ROOM ON 340 00:19:13,118 --> 00:19:16,955 THE 8TH FLOOR, I'D LIKE TO THINK WE DID SOME PRETTY GOOD SHOWS. 341 00:19:17,022 --> 00:19:19,591 IN FACT, THERE WERE A LOT OF THINGS WE BROADCAST OVER THOSE 342 00:19:19,658 --> 00:19:22,995 15 LONELY MONTHS, AFTER WHICH I'D SAY, MAN, I REALLY WISH I 343 00:19:23,061 --> 00:19:25,531 COULD SHOW THAT TO A LIVE AUDIENCE. 344 00:19:25,597 --> 00:19:31,036 WELL, I RECENTLY ACQUIRED A LIVE AUDIENCE. 345 00:19:31,103 --> 00:19:44,816 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AND IT'S MY DAMN SHOW. 346 00:19:44,883 --> 00:19:46,985 ( LAUGHTER ) SO, TONIGHT, I'M GONNA SHOW YOU 347 00:19:47,052 --> 00:19:48,220 ONE. 348 00:19:48,287 --> 00:19:49,788 YOU MIGHT REMEMBER THAT A COUPLE MONTHS AGO, ZACK SNYDER AGREED 349 00:19:49,855 --> 00:19:52,991 TO GUEST DIRECT AN EPISODE OF THE LATE SHOW. 350 00:19:53,058 --> 00:19:55,427 SNYDER IS, OF COURSE, BEST KNOWN FOR MAKING GIANT BLOCKBUSTERS 351 00:19:55,494 --> 00:19:58,964 LIKE, "JUSTICE LEAGUE," "ARMY OF THE DEAD," AND "300." 352 00:19:59,031 --> 00:20:03,602 SO I WAS EXCITED WHEN HE WANTED TO BRING HIS CINEMATIC VISION TO 353 00:20:03,669 --> 00:20:05,203 THE LATE SHOW. 354 00:20:05,270 --> 00:20:08,674 NOW, FOR THE FIRST TIME IN FRONT OF LIVE AUDIENCE -- A 355 00:20:08,740 --> 00:20:12,811 BEHIND-THE-SCENES LOOK AT THE LATE SHOW: THE SNYDER CUT. 356 00:20:12,878 --> 00:20:15,581 JIM? 357 00:20:15,647 --> 00:20:24,856 ♪ ♪ ♪ >> AS A DIRECTOR, I LIKE A 358 00:20:26,925 --> 00:20:28,060 CHALLENGE. 359 00:20:28,126 --> 00:20:30,629 THAT'S WHY I SPENT MY WHOLE CAREER TACKLING THE BIG GENRES. 360 00:20:30,696 --> 00:20:33,265 I'M ALWAYS LOOKING TO GROW AS AN ARTIST. 361 00:20:33,332 --> 00:20:34,399 SO WHEN MY AGENT ASKED ME IF I WANTED TO DIRECT AN EPISODE OF 362 00:20:34,466 --> 00:20:38,737 "THE LATE SHOW," I IMMEDIATELY SAID YES. 363 00:20:38,804 --> 00:20:39,671 I LOVE CAR POOL KARAOKE. 364 00:20:39,738 --> 00:20:41,807 AND HE SAID, "NO, IT'S THE ONE BEFORE THAT." 365 00:20:41,873 --> 00:20:43,308 AND I WAS LIKE OKAY. 366 00:20:43,375 --> 00:20:44,443 >> STEPHEN: WE WERE SO EXCITED THAT ZACK SIGNED ON TO THE 367 00:20:44,509 --> 00:20:47,212 PROJECT. 368 00:20:47,279 --> 00:20:50,616 HE HAS THIS GENIUS FOR VISUAL STORYTELLING FROM THE DARK, 369 00:20:50,682 --> 00:20:54,686 GRITTY LOOK OF "WATCHMAN" TO "JUSTICE LEAGUE'S" GRITTY DARK 370 00:20:54,753 --> 00:20:55,954 LOOK. 371 00:20:56,021 --> 00:20:56,855 HE CAN DO IT ALL. 372 00:20:56,922 --> 00:20:57,889 AND MOST IMPORTANTLY, ZACK LOVES OUR SHOW. 373 00:20:57,956 --> 00:20:58,690 HE LOVES WHAT WE DO. 374 00:20:58,757 --> 00:21:01,226 HE JUST HAD A FEW MINOR SUGGESTIONS. 375 00:21:01,293 --> 00:21:03,362 >> EVERYTHING HAD TO CHANGE-- I MEAN EVERYTHING-- STARTING WITH 376 00:21:03,428 --> 00:21:05,797 THE SET. 377 00:21:05,864 --> 00:21:06,498 SO DRAB. 378 00:21:06,565 --> 00:21:12,104 THAT'S WHY I WORK WITH MY C.G.I. 379 00:21:12,170 --> 00:21:13,338 TEAM TO CREATE A FULLY DIGITAL ENVIRONMENT THAT WOULD ALLOW FOR 380 00:21:13,405 --> 00:21:14,539 COMPLETE CREATIVE FREEDOM. 381 00:21:14,606 --> 00:21:18,343 WE STARTED WITH A BLANK CANVAS AND THEN PIXEL BY PIXEL WITH A 382 00:21:18,410 --> 00:21:22,681 CREW OF ABOUT 400 ANIMATORS WORKING 18-HOUR DAYS WE 383 00:21:22,748 --> 00:21:25,150 ENVISIONED A "LATE NIGHT" SET UNLIKE ANYTHING ANYONE HAD EVER 384 00:21:25,217 --> 00:21:30,188 SEEN BEFORE. 385 00:21:30,255 --> 00:21:31,356 I MEAN, UNRECOGNIZABLE. 386 00:21:31,423 --> 00:21:32,224 >> STEPHEN: THE TOTAL DIGITAL ENVIRONMENT, IT'S ALL ABOUT 387 00:21:32,290 --> 00:21:37,129 FREEDOM. 388 00:21:37,195 --> 00:21:40,599 THIS DESK I'M AT RIGHT HERE IS $80 MILLION MORE THAN MY ACTUAL 389 00:21:40,666 --> 00:21:43,068 DESK, BUT IT CAN INSTANTLY TRANSFORM INTO ANYTHING. 390 00:21:43,135 --> 00:21:46,338 >> I MEAN, IT'S JUST GOING TO STAY A DESK. 391 00:21:46,405 --> 00:21:49,007 BUT, THE POTENTIAL TO BE ANYTHING IS WHAT GREAT CINEMA IS 392 00:21:49,074 --> 00:21:49,441 ALL ABOUT. 393 00:21:49,508 --> 00:21:51,376 >> STEPHEN: HEY! 394 00:21:51,443 --> 00:21:53,211 WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW." 395 00:21:53,278 --> 00:21:54,346 >> CUT! 396 00:21:54,413 --> 00:21:55,180 OKAY. 397 00:21:55,247 --> 00:21:57,783 >> STEPHEN: DI-- >> ALL RIGHT, NO, NO. 398 00:21:57,849 --> 00:21:58,350 TAKE IT ONE MORE TIME. 399 00:21:58,417 --> 00:22:00,285 >> STEPHEN: PLEASE. 400 00:22:00,352 --> 00:22:01,486 >> KEEP IN MIND, YOUR FAMILY IT TRAPPED UNDER AN OVERTURNED 401 00:22:01,553 --> 00:22:02,454 TANK. 402 00:22:02,521 --> 00:22:06,358 THE TREADS ARE SPINNING INCHES FROM THEIR FACE. 403 00:22:06,425 --> 00:22:09,294 ZOMBIE HORDES ARE ATTACKING, CLOSING IN. 404 00:22:09,361 --> 00:22:10,028 YOU'RE DESPERATE. 405 00:22:10,095 --> 00:22:10,629 YOU'RE ANGRY. 406 00:22:10,696 --> 00:22:13,131 YOU'RE HUNGRY FOR REVENGE. 407 00:22:13,198 --> 00:22:13,632 YOU'RE ALSO JUST HUNGRY. 408 00:22:13,699 --> 00:22:18,336 READY? 409 00:22:18,403 --> 00:22:21,573 ACTION. 410 00:22:21,640 --> 00:22:25,143 >> STEPHEN: WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW." 411 00:22:25,210 --> 00:22:26,211 I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT. 412 00:22:26,278 --> 00:22:28,547 TONIGHT-- >> CUT! 413 00:22:28,613 --> 00:22:30,382 THAT'S THE ONE. 414 00:22:30,449 --> 00:22:31,149 ALL RIGHT, PRINT IT OR... 415 00:22:31,216 --> 00:22:32,451 I GUESS IT'S DIGITAL. 416 00:22:32,517 --> 00:22:34,352 SO DON'T PRINT IT, BUT WE'VE GOT IT, RIGHT? 417 00:22:34,419 --> 00:22:37,155 >> STEPHEN: WHEN IT COMES TO TRADITIONAL ZACK SNYDER LEADS 418 00:22:37,222 --> 00:22:42,360 OBVIOUSLY YOU EXPECT THEM TO BE CARVED, CUT, SHREDDED HUNKS, 419 00:22:42,427 --> 00:22:46,231 GODS AMONG MORTALS. 420 00:22:46,298 --> 00:22:48,133 SO I WAS FLATTERED WHEN ZACK SIGNED ON, BECAUSE I'M MORE OF 421 00:22:48,200 --> 00:22:49,134 A... 422 00:22:49,201 --> 00:22:50,302 >> DWEEB. 423 00:22:50,368 --> 00:22:53,805 STEPHEN'S WEAK. 424 00:22:53,872 --> 00:22:57,743 HE FILLS OUT HIS CLOTHES LIKE LENTILS FILL OUT A SANDWICH BAG. 425 00:22:57,809 --> 00:22:58,810 THAT WASN'T GOING TO FLY. 426 00:22:58,877 --> 00:23:02,180 SO WE GOT HIM AN ELITE, HOLLYWOOD PERSONAL TRAINER. 427 00:23:02,247 --> 00:23:07,152 AND AFTER WEEKS OF INTENSE WORKOUTS... 428 00:23:07,219 --> 00:23:09,788 THE RESULTS WERE UNBELIEVABLE. 429 00:23:09,855 --> 00:23:12,657 >> I'VE NEVER SEEN ANYONE MAKE LESS PROGRESS! 430 00:23:12,724 --> 00:23:14,826 >> I THINK HE ACTUALLY LOST MUSCLE MASS. 431 00:23:14,893 --> 00:23:18,363 >> STEPHEN: WHAT CAN I SAY? 432 00:23:18,430 --> 00:23:26,204 I LOVE OYSTER CRACKERS. 433 00:23:26,271 --> 00:23:29,441 AND BEFORE YOU SAY THAT THESE ARE EMPTY CALORIES, THEY'RE NOT! 434 00:23:29,508 --> 00:23:36,882 BECAUSE I FELL THEM ALL WITH M&MS. 435 00:23:36,948 --> 00:23:39,751 >> WHEN IT CAME TO STEPHEN'S MONOLOGUES I WANTED TO GIVE THE 436 00:23:39,818 --> 00:23:42,954 REAL ZACK SNYDER FANS WHAT THEY HAVE BEEN DEMANDING FOR YEAR-- 437 00:23:43,021 --> 00:23:45,190 ANOTHER ZACK SNYDER SLOW-MOTION SHOT. 438 00:23:45,257 --> 00:23:48,560 THE PROBLEM IS MONOLOGUES ARE SO STATIC, SLOW MOTION NEEDED 439 00:23:48,627 --> 00:23:50,729 ACTION. 440 00:23:50,796 --> 00:23:55,901 I HAD AN IDEA-- THROW A KNIFE AT STEPHEN. 441 00:23:55,967 --> 00:23:56,802 >> STEPHEN: IF THE INFRASTRUCTURE BILL PASSES, THIS 442 00:23:56,868 --> 00:24:06,845 WILL BE THE VERY FIRST TIME IN THE LAST... 443 00:24:06,912 --> 00:24:11,950 WILL BE THE VERY FIRST TIME IN THE LAST... 444 00:24:12,017 --> 00:24:13,285 HE DID NOT MENTION THE KNIFE-THROWING PART. 445 00:24:13,351 --> 00:24:14,553 >> LOOK, DIRECTING IS ALL ABOUT KEEPING YOUR TALENT OUT OF THEIR 446 00:24:14,619 --> 00:24:16,087 COMFORT ZONE. 447 00:24:16,154 --> 00:24:18,123 >> STEPHEN: LOST A LOT OF BLOOD. 448 00:24:18,190 --> 00:24:22,093 ♪ ♪ ♪ >> THEN I NEEDED TO OVERHAUL THE 449 00:24:22,160 --> 00:24:24,229 BAND, JON BATISTE AND STAY HUMAN. 450 00:24:24,296 --> 00:24:29,201 I HAVE BEEN WORKING A LOT WITH ZOMBIE MAKEUP FOR MY NEW NETFLIX 451 00:24:29,267 --> 00:24:31,236 MOVIE "ARMY OF THE DEAD." 452 00:24:31,303 --> 00:24:36,374 I STARTED WONDERING: WHAT IF STAY HUMAN DIDN'T. 453 00:24:36,441 --> 00:24:39,177 >> JON: OH, YES, ZACK SNYDER LET ME DO THE SHOW THE WAY I ALWAYS 454 00:24:39,244 --> 00:24:41,947 WANTED-- AS A MEMBER OF THE UNDEAD. 455 00:24:42,013 --> 00:24:46,051 >> STEPHEN: OBVIOUSLY IT'S A FREE COUNTRY. 456 00:24:46,117 --> 00:24:51,189 BUT YOU COULD BE VACCINATED OR UNVACCINATED -- OH! 457 00:24:51,256 --> 00:24:55,193 FISH STICKS! 458 00:24:55,260 --> 00:24:55,961 >> CUT! 459 00:24:56,027 --> 00:24:56,461 CUT! 460 00:24:56,528 --> 00:24:59,164 YOU'RE NOT A ZOMBIE. 461 00:24:59,231 --> 00:25:01,766 NO! 462 00:25:01,833 --> 00:25:02,000 NO! 463 00:25:02,067 --> 00:25:03,034 NO! 464 00:25:03,101 --> 00:25:05,070 >> STEPHEN: LOST-- LOST A LOT OF BLOOD THAT DAY. 465 00:25:05,136 --> 00:25:05,704 DAY. 466 00:25:05,770 --> 00:25:07,172 >> JON: OH, DELICIOUS! 467 00:25:07,239 --> 00:25:13,845 10 OUT OF 10 POPS. 468 00:25:13,912 --> 00:25:15,013 ( MUFFLED ) >> SO I DECIDED ALL THE 469 00:25:15,080 --> 00:25:16,681 INTERVIEWS SHOULD HAVE A SUBTLE REFERENCE TO THE ALTERNATE 470 00:25:16,748 --> 00:25:19,184 FUTURE SHOWN IN MY VERSION OF "JUSTICE LEAGUE." 471 00:25:19,251 --> 00:25:21,953 SEE IF YOU CAN SPOT IT. 472 00:25:22,020 --> 00:25:22,821 IT'S VERY SUBTLE. 473 00:25:22,888 --> 00:25:24,923 > STEPHEN: HEY, EVERYBODY, WELCOME BACK! 474 00:25:24,990 --> 00:25:26,925 YOU KNOW MY FIRST GUEST TONIGHT FROM HIS WORK AT ARKHAM ASYLUM. 475 00:25:26,992 --> 00:25:31,263 PLEASE WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW," THE JOKER. 476 00:25:31,329 --> 00:25:33,798 THANK YOU FOR AGREEING TO SHOW UP AT THE LAST MINUTE AFTER 477 00:25:33,865 --> 00:25:35,166 JASON BATEMAN CANCELED. 478 00:25:35,233 --> 00:25:37,068 >> BATMAN. 479 00:25:37,135 --> 00:25:43,174 >> STEPHEN: NO, BATEMAN, JON BATISTE ATE HIM. 480 00:25:43,241 --> 00:25:47,178 >> YOU NEED ME. 481 00:25:47,245 --> 00:25:48,113 YOU... NEED ME. 482 00:25:48,179 --> 00:25:51,149 >> STEPHEN: EXACTLY, THANKS FOR BEING HERE. 483 00:25:51,216 --> 00:25:55,020 SO WHAT PROJECTS ARE YOU WORKING ON? 484 00:25:55,086 --> 00:25:56,154 WHAT'S ON YOUR MIND? 485 00:25:56,221 --> 00:25:59,190 >> I OFTEN WONDER HOW MANY DEAD EYES CAN YOU LOOK INTO? 486 00:25:59,257 --> 00:26:02,961 BEFORE YOU DIE INSIDE YOURSELF? 487 00:26:03,028 --> 00:26:04,062 >> STEPHEN: WELL, I'VE INTERVIEWED TED CRUZ AND RAND 488 00:26:04,129 --> 00:26:07,198 PAUL, AND I SEEM TO BE DOING OKAY. 489 00:26:07,265 --> 00:26:11,169 ( LAUGHING ) I UNDERSTAND YOU'RE A BIT OF A 490 00:26:11,236 --> 00:26:13,138 PRANKSTER ON SET. 491 00:26:13,204 --> 00:26:18,209 THE WHOLE EPISODE IS 16 HOURS AND 47 MINUTES. 492 00:26:18,276 --> 00:26:19,377 AND THAT'S JUST THE BEGINNING OF THE EXTEND "LATE SHOW" 493 00:26:19,444 --> 00:26:20,478 SNYDER-VERSE. 494 00:26:20,545 --> 00:26:23,181 WE'RE TALKING SPIN-OFFS, ANIMATED SPECIALS, THEME PARK 495 00:26:23,248 --> 00:26:27,185 RIDES. 496 00:26:27,252 --> 00:26:29,220 SUCK IS, WARNER BROTHERS! 497 00:26:29,287 --> 00:26:29,854 SUCK IT. 498 00:26:29,921 --> 00:26:31,990 >> WOW, HIS WORDS, NOT MINE. 499 00:26:32,057 --> 00:26:34,592 BUT, YEAH, SUCK IT, WARNER BROTHERS. 500 00:26:34,659 --> 00:26:37,963 >> STEPHEN: BOTTOM LINE: I CAN'T WAIT FOR THEM TO SEE "THE LATE 501 00:26:38,029 --> 00:26:43,168 SHOW" SNYDER CUT." 502 00:26:43,234 --> 00:26:47,138 >> HEY, STEPHEN, THINK FAST! 503 00:26:47,205 --> 00:26:50,008 >> Stephen: HE'S GENIUS! 504 00:26:50,075 --> 00:26:51,209 WERE WE ROLLING? 505 00:26:51,276 --> 00:26:54,412 (RAINSTORM) >> AVAILABLE NOW ON PARAMOUNT+. 506 00:26:54,479 --> 00:26:56,014 A MOUNTAIN OF "SUCK IT, WARNER BROTHERS." 507 00:26:56,081 --> 00:27:00,518 (THUNDER) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 508 00:27:00,585 --> 00:27:02,253 >> STEPHEN: THANK YOU AGAIN TO ZACK SNYDER AND TO ZOMBIE JON 509 00:27:02,320 --> 00:27:04,522 BATISTE. 510 00:27:04,589 --> 00:27:08,760 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH "HACKS" STAR, HANNAH EINBINDER. 511 00:27:08,827 --> 00:27:09,627 ♪♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 512 00:27:16,201 --> 00:27:16,768 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪♪ 513 00:27:16,835 --> 00:27:19,404 >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY! 514 00:27:19,471 --> 00:27:21,172 WELCOME BACK, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! 515 00:27:21,239 --> 00:27:27,979 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) MY FIRST GUEST IS AN ACTOR AND 516 00:27:28,046 --> 00:27:33,184 STAND-UP COMEDIAN WHO IS EMMY-NOMINATED FOR HER ROLE AS 517 00:27:33,251 --> 00:27:37,222 AVA DANIELS IN HACKS. 518 00:27:40,058 --> 00:27:42,827 >> YOU'RE A LESBIAN? 519 00:27:42,894 --> 00:27:45,163 UM, NOT SURE YOU CAN ASK ME THAT. 520 00:27:45,230 --> 00:27:50,835 >> OH, WHAT, SOMEONE'S GOING TO SHOW UP AND ARREST ME? 521 00:27:50,902 --> 00:27:53,204 >> SINCE YOU'RE MY EMPLOYER, IT IS ILLEGAL. 522 00:27:53,271 --> 00:27:59,044 BUT IF YOU'RE GENUINELY CURIOUS, I USED TO ONLY HOOK UP WITH MEN, 523 00:27:59,110 --> 00:28:03,548 BUT WHEN I MAST BAITED, I THOUGHT ABOUT BELL WOMEN. 524 00:28:03,615 --> 00:28:07,685 WHEN I WAS IN COLLEGE I THOUGHT OF PHOEBE AND I REALIZED I CULD 525 00:28:07,752 --> 00:28:11,756 CONNECT EMOTIONALLY WITH WOMEN WHICH LED TO DEEPER SEXUAL 526 00:28:11,823 --> 00:28:17,595 EXPERIENCES, BUT SOMETIMES I STILL NEED PENETRATIVE SEX WITH 527 00:28:17,662 --> 00:28:18,763 ( BLEEP ). 528 00:28:18,830 --> 00:28:20,799 MAYBE I WAS JUST CONDITIONED TO THE PORN FED TO ME BY THE 529 00:28:20,865 --> 00:28:21,332 ALGORITHM. 530 00:28:21,399 --> 00:28:26,738 SO, ANY, WAY, I'M BI. 531 00:28:26,805 --> 00:28:31,276 >> JEEZ, I WAS JUST WONDERING WHY YOU WERE DRESSED LIKE RACHEL 532 00:28:31,342 --> 00:28:33,578 MADDOW'S MECHANIC. 533 00:28:33,645 --> 00:28:37,282 >> STEPHEN: PLEASE WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW," HANNAH 534 00:28:37,348 --> 00:28:38,650 EINBINDER! 535 00:28:38,716 --> 00:28:53,631 ♪♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 536 00:28:53,698 --> 00:28:56,134 >> Stephen: IT'S SO NICE TO MEET YOU. 537 00:28:56,201 --> 00:29:01,272 I SAID THIS TO JON EARLIER, BUT I WANTED TO REPEAT THIS, THAT I 538 00:29:01,339 --> 00:29:08,012 HAD SEEN THE MAYOR OF BEAST TOWN AND SAW "HACKS" AND I'M LOVING 539 00:29:08,079 --> 00:29:12,083 IT BUT THOUGHT WHO IS HANNAH EINBINDER? 540 00:29:12,150 --> 00:29:14,352 HOW COME I DON'T KNOW WHO THIS PERSON IS? 541 00:29:14,419 --> 00:29:17,856 AND MY STAFF SAYS, SHE'S BEEN ON YOUR SHOW. 542 00:29:17,922 --> 00:29:20,125 SO YOU PRE-TAPED THIS ACTUAL SET. 543 00:29:20,191 --> 00:29:23,461 SO HERE YOU ARE, THIS IS YOUR FIRST TELEVISION EXPERIENCE, 544 00:29:23,528 --> 00:29:25,130 JUST WEEKS BEFORE THE ENTIRE COUNTRY SHUT DOWN. 545 00:29:25,196 --> 00:29:26,030 >> I WAS JUST A BOY THEN. 546 00:29:26,097 --> 00:29:28,266 >> Stephen: YES. 547 00:29:28,333 --> 00:29:31,569 ( LAUGHTER ) AND NOW YOU'VE HAD YOUR 548 00:29:31,636 --> 00:29:32,837 HOLLYWOOD BAR MITZVAH. 549 00:29:32,904 --> 00:29:34,072 YOU HAVE YOUR OWN TV SHOW. 550 00:29:34,139 --> 00:29:36,708 SO WHAT WAS THE NIGHT LIKE? 551 00:29:36,774 --> 00:29:40,912 WHAT WAS THE ACTUAL DOING THE SHOW? 552 00:29:40,979 --> 00:29:42,547 >> OH, MY GOD IT WAS IN A WORD FABULOUS. 553 00:29:42,614 --> 00:29:44,749 I WALKED IN THROUGH THE BACK DOOR. 554 00:29:44,816 --> 00:29:48,319 I THINK THERE WAS A BIT OF A MIST OR MAYBE A FOG. 555 00:29:48,386 --> 00:29:51,122 I HEARD, LIKE, A WOLF'S CRY. 556 00:29:51,189 --> 00:29:51,689 SINATRA WAS ON. 557 00:29:51,756 --> 00:29:52,891 >> Stephen: SURE. 558 00:29:52,957 --> 00:29:56,961 AND I WENT INTO THE DRESSING ROOM, CLASSY DAY COR, SORT OF A 559 00:29:57,028 --> 00:29:59,697 WEST ELM, SORT OF YOUR RESTORATION HARDWARE. 560 00:29:59,764 --> 00:30:02,200 >> Stephen: SURE. 561 00:30:02,267 --> 00:30:02,867 GORGEOUS. 562 00:30:02,934 --> 00:30:04,068 THERE WAS A GORGEOUS GIFT BAG. 563 00:30:04,135 --> 00:30:05,270 >> Stephen: OH, GOOD. 564 00:30:05,336 --> 00:30:06,271 GREAT STUFF? 565 00:30:06,337 --> 00:30:07,438 >> GREAT PAIR OF SOCKS IN THERE. 566 00:30:07,505 --> 00:30:12,410 I WANT TO SAY ONE THING ABOUT THE SOCKS, THEY HUG THE FOOT 567 00:30:12,477 --> 00:30:13,678 JUST SO. 568 00:30:13,745 --> 00:30:16,581 YOU KNOW WHEN YOU PUT ON A PAIR OF SOCKS AND, YOU KNOW, YOU JUST 569 00:30:16,648 --> 00:30:19,584 GET THAT GRIP RIGHT AROUND THE CENTER AND YOU FEEL LIKE YOU 570 00:30:19,651 --> 00:30:25,023 MIGHT HEAR A WHISPER OF A MALE VOICE SAYING, I'M PROUD OF YOU, 571 00:30:25,089 --> 00:30:26,090 SON -- ( LAUGHTER ) 572 00:30:26,157 --> 00:30:27,258 -- IT'S THAT TYPE OF SUPPORT. 573 00:30:27,325 --> 00:30:29,260 IT'S A GOOD PAIR OF SOCKS. 574 00:30:29,327 --> 00:30:32,931 I WORE THEM DOWN TO -- I MEAN, THERE'S NOW A HOLE. 575 00:30:32,997 --> 00:30:35,266 IT'S A GOOD THING I'M BACK BECAUSE I NEED ANOTHER PAIR. 576 00:30:35,333 --> 00:30:39,637 >> Stephen: CAN WE GET HER ANOTHER PAIR OF SOCKS? 577 00:30:39,704 --> 00:30:41,839 OKAY, WE'LL WORK ON THAT. 578 00:30:41,906 --> 00:30:43,007 OKAY. 579 00:30:43,074 --> 00:30:45,877 SO MOMENTS AFTER YOU DID THAT SET, THE ENTIRE COUNTRY SHUT 580 00:30:45,944 --> 00:30:51,149 DOWN AND, IN THAT TIME, YOU LANDED THIS FANTASTIC SHOW, 581 00:30:51,216 --> 00:30:51,716 "HACKS." 582 00:30:51,783 --> 00:30:52,917 HOW DID THAT COME ABOUT? 583 00:30:52,984 --> 00:30:54,686 NO ONE WAS WORKING. 584 00:30:54,752 --> 00:30:56,955 HOW DID YOU GET THIS GIG? 585 00:30:57,021 --> 00:30:59,991 >> YEAH, I WAS SITTING AT MY DESK, YOU KNOW, WHICH AT THE 586 00:31:00,058 --> 00:31:04,329 TIME AS AN UNEMPLOYED COMEDIAN WAS JUST MY BED -- 587 00:31:04,395 --> 00:31:08,233 ( LAUGHTER ) -- AND I GOT AN EMAIL, AND THE 588 00:31:08,299 --> 00:31:13,504 CHARACTER DESCRIPTION WAS FOR A 25-YEAR-OLD BISEXUAL COMEDY 589 00:31:13,571 --> 00:31:20,778 WRITER WHO HAD RECENTLY LOST HER JOB. 590 00:31:20,845 --> 00:31:23,248 ( LAUGHTER ) AND I'M -- 591 00:31:23,314 --> 00:31:25,750 ( LAUGHTER ) -- I'M GOING, IS IT THERE? 592 00:31:25,817 --> 00:31:27,819 CAN I FIND IT? 593 00:31:27,885 --> 00:31:34,425 YOU KNOW, WHERE -- >> Stephen: YOU LOVE A 594 00:31:34,492 --> 00:31:36,694 CHALLENGE. 595 00:31:36,761 --> 00:31:37,362 YEAH. 596 00:31:37,428 --> 00:31:39,831 WAS THERE AN AUDITION PROCESS? 597 00:31:39,897 --> 00:31:43,001 BECAUSE WE WERE NOT ALLOWED TO BE NEAR EACH OTHER AT THIS 598 00:31:43,067 --> 00:31:43,468 POINT. 599 00:31:43,534 --> 00:31:44,802 WAS IT OVER ZOOM? 600 00:31:44,869 --> 00:31:46,137 HOW DID YOU TO THE AUDITION? 601 00:31:46,204 --> 00:31:51,576 >> THE CALLBACK WAS OVER ZOOM, AND THEN WE DID A SCREEN TEST, 602 00:31:51,643 --> 00:31:56,180 JEAN AND I, AND I WAS TERRIFIED BECAUSE JEAN SMART IS A GOD, AND 603 00:31:56,247 --> 00:31:59,784 I'M A MERE MORTAL, AND SHE CALLED ME ACTUALLY THE NIGHT 604 00:31:59,851 --> 00:32:05,823 BEFORE, AND SHE JUST SAID, YOU KNOW, I SAW YOUR SET ON "THE 605 00:32:05,890 --> 00:32:10,295 LATE SHOW" WITH STEPHEN COLBERT, AND SHE'S, LIKE, I THINK YOU'RE 606 00:32:10,361 --> 00:32:11,529 GREAT. 607 00:32:11,596 --> 00:32:13,698 I KNOW IT'S GOING TO BE A LITTLE WEIRD WITH THE COVID PROTOCOL, 608 00:32:13,765 --> 00:32:16,634 BUT I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW WE'RE GOING TO HAVE A GOOD TIME 609 00:32:16,701 --> 00:32:17,869 AND GOOD LUCK AND HAVE FUN. 610 00:32:17,935 --> 00:32:20,171 >> Stephen: WHAT'S THE DYNAMIC? 611 00:32:20,238 --> 00:32:23,841 SHE'S SUCH AN ACCOMPLISHED AND GIFTED ACTRESS AND SO FUNNY IN 612 00:32:23,908 --> 00:32:26,010 HER OWN RIGHT, WHAT WAS THE DYNAMIC LIKE BETWEEN YOU TWO? 613 00:32:26,077 --> 00:32:30,415 >> OH, MY GOD WE'RE ALWAYS FIRING JOKES OFF, LIKE AVA AND 614 00:32:30,481 --> 00:32:32,116 DEBRA IN THAT WAY. 615 00:32:32,183 --> 00:32:37,355 I REMEMBER WE WERE SHOOTING AN EPISODE SEVEN, THERE IS A KISS 616 00:32:37,422 --> 00:32:41,893 AND WE WERE SHOOTING THE KISS SCENE BETWEEN THE TWO OF US AND 617 00:32:41,959 --> 00:32:46,464 SHE IMMEDIATELY IS COMING TO WORK READY TO DO A FULL BIT. 618 00:32:46,531 --> 00:32:51,369 SHE'S WEARING A WHITE SATIN ROBE AND SHE HAS BROUGHT A CIGARETTE, 619 00:32:51,436 --> 00:32:55,807 BUT SHE'S, YOU KNOW, WALKING AND SAUNTERING IN AND PRETENDING THE 620 00:32:55,873 --> 00:32:57,075 SMOKE. 621 00:32:57,141 --> 00:33:00,144 AND, OF COURSE, MY CHARACTER IS DRESSED IN A TANK TOP AND SWEAT 622 00:33:00,211 --> 00:33:07,151 PANTS, TRULY LOOKING LIKE A HUNGOVER ITALIAN MAN. 623 00:33:07,218 --> 00:33:11,789 ( LAUGHTER ) SO THE DYNAMIC IS RIGHT ON. 624 00:33:11,856 --> 00:33:15,693 AND WE'RE DOING DOUBLE TAKES, AND OUR DIRECTOR DESIREE WAS, 625 00:33:15,760 --> 00:33:17,395 LIKE, I FEEL LIKE WE GOT IT. 626 00:33:17,462 --> 00:33:21,733 AND I WAS, LIKE, NO, I FEEL LIKE WE'VE GOT TO DO A COUPLE MORE 627 00:33:21,799 --> 00:33:22,600 GUYS. 628 00:33:22,667 --> 00:33:24,802 I THINK WE'VE GOT TO RUN IT BACK, JOEL. 629 00:33:24,869 --> 00:33:26,571 I THINK YOUR FOCUS WAS OFF. 630 00:33:26,637 --> 00:33:28,439 AND SHE'S, LIKE, OH, YOU STOP! 631 00:33:28,506 --> 00:33:31,142 AND THE NEXT DAY, SHE KIND OF GOT ME BACK. 632 00:33:31,209 --> 00:33:34,846 SHE CAME IN, AND I WAS ON SET IN THE MORNING AND I WAS HAVING MY 633 00:33:34,912 --> 00:33:38,549 COFFEE, AND JEAN WALKED IN AND WITHOUT MISSING A BEAT JUST 634 00:33:38,616 --> 00:33:43,221 LOOKED AT ME AND WENT -- HUH, NO FLOWERS. 635 00:33:43,287 --> 00:33:44,922 INTERESTING. 636 00:33:44,989 --> 00:33:52,063 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 637 00:33:52,130 --> 00:33:57,402 >> Stephen: WELL, CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR EMMY 638 00:33:57,468 --> 00:33:59,404 NOMINATION, FIRST OF MANY I HAVE NO DOUBT. 639 00:33:59,470 --> 00:34:00,938 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YOU'RE SO GREAT IN THIS, AND I 640 00:34:01,005 --> 00:34:04,909 WANTED TO, YOU KNOW, GIVE YOU A LITTLE TOAST RIGHT THERE. 641 00:34:04,976 --> 00:34:08,212 HERE'S A LITTLE CHAMPAGNE. 642 00:34:08,279 --> 00:34:08,880 CHEERS. 643 00:34:08,946 --> 00:34:09,447 CONGRATULATIONS AND GOOD LUCK. 644 00:34:09,514 --> 00:34:11,382 I'LL SEE YOU OUT THERE. 645 00:34:11,449 --> 00:34:12,550 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> THANK YOU. 646 00:34:12,617 --> 00:34:20,558 >> Stephen: OH, AND DO ENJOY THIS BEAUTIFUL PAIR OF SOCKS. 647 00:34:20,625 --> 00:34:23,060 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) GOING TO BE GREAT. 648 00:34:23,127 --> 00:34:24,195 CHEERS. 649 00:34:24,262 --> 00:34:28,399 SEASON ONE OF "HACKS" IS AVAILABLE TO STREAM RIGHT NOW ON 650 00:34:28,466 --> 00:34:29,033 HBO MAX. 651 00:34:29,100 --> 00:34:32,570 HANNAH EINBINDER, EVERYBODY! 652 00:34:32,637 --> 00:34:36,107 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH COMEDIAN ALEX FALCONE! 653 00:34:36,174 --> 00:34:37,008 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪♪ 654 00:35:05,837 --> 00:35:06,237 >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY! 655 00:35:06,304 --> 00:35:08,606 WELCOME BACK! 656 00:35:08,673 --> 00:35:12,977 LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, OUR NEXT GUEST -- 657 00:35:13,044 --> 00:35:16,214 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) MY NEXT GUEST IS HERE TO MAKE 658 00:35:16,280 --> 00:35:17,949 HIS NETWORK TELEVISION DEBUT. 659 00:35:18,015 --> 00:35:28,826 PLEASE WELCOME ALEX FALCONE! 660 00:35:30,928 --> 00:35:33,931 >> THANK YOU! 661 00:35:33,998 --> 00:35:34,532 WOW! 662 00:35:34,599 --> 00:35:38,970 SO GOOD TO SEE ALL OF YOU. 663 00:35:39,036 --> 00:35:40,838 I'LL TELL YOU GUYS ATE WILLLE BIT ABOUT MYSELF. 664 00:35:40,905 --> 00:35:44,709 I HAVE A LITTLE GIRL AT HOME. 665 00:35:44,775 --> 00:35:47,245 THAT'S A WEIRD WAY TO PHRASE THAT. 666 00:35:47,311 --> 00:35:48,546 MY WIFE IS SHORT. 667 00:35:48,613 --> 00:35:49,947 THAT WAS MISLEADING. 668 00:35:50,014 --> 00:35:53,417 YEAH, I HAVE A PETITE ADULT WOMAN AT HOME. 669 00:35:53,484 --> 00:35:54,652 I TALK ABOUT IT A LOT BECAUSE THAT'S THE ONLY THING I'VE GOT 670 00:35:54,719 --> 00:36:00,224 ON HER, SHE HAS A MASTERS DEGREE AND I HAVE PEANUT BUTTER CUPS 671 00:36:00,291 --> 00:36:03,661 ABOVE THE FRIDGE S SHE DOESN'T KNOW ABOUT. 672 00:36:03,728 --> 00:36:04,629 SHE'S SUPPORTIVE. 673 00:36:04,695 --> 00:36:09,333 I CHIPPED A TOOTH EATING PIE TOO AGGRESSIVELY. 674 00:36:09,400 --> 00:36:12,737 SOMETIMES I DON'T TAKE THE FORK OUT OF MY MOUTH BEFORE CHEWING. 675 00:36:12,803 --> 00:36:15,673 I LIVE ON THE EDGE. 676 00:36:15,740 --> 00:36:18,676 I CHIP MY TOOTH. 677 00:36:18,743 --> 00:36:19,944 I'M WHIMPERING. 678 00:36:20,011 --> 00:36:23,481 MY WIFE COMES IN, WHAT HAPPENED BIG GUY, BECAUSE I'M VERY TALL. 679 00:36:23,548 --> 00:36:24,649 WHAT HAPPENED? 680 00:36:24,715 --> 00:36:28,419 I TELL HER THE WHOLE STORY, PIE, FORK, LIVING ON THE EDGE. 681 00:36:28,486 --> 00:36:33,958 AND NO HESITATION, SHE SAYS, OH, YEAH, PIE CAN BE TRICKY. 682 00:36:34,025 --> 00:36:36,260 ( LAUGHTER ) WE HAVE BEEN TOGETHER SINCE WE 683 00:36:36,327 --> 00:36:39,030 WERE 19 YEARS OLD, WHICH IS KIND OF A WHILE. 684 00:36:39,096 --> 00:36:41,499 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THANK YOU. 685 00:36:41,566 --> 00:36:45,703 YEAH. 686 00:36:45,770 --> 00:36:49,574 IT'S OUR ENTIRE ADULT LIVES, WITH I IS A FUN WAY TO DO IT 687 00:36:49,640 --> 00:36:52,610 WHICH MEANS WE DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT JEALOUSY BECAUSE 688 00:36:52,677 --> 00:36:55,146 NEITHER OF US LEARNED HOW TO TALK TO OTHER PEOPLE. 689 00:36:55,212 --> 00:36:56,480 SO WE'RE NOT A THREAT. 690 00:36:56,547 --> 00:37:01,385 AT THIS POINT, MY WIFE THINKS ABOUT ME CHEATING ON HER THE WAY 691 00:37:01,452 --> 00:37:06,123 SHE THINKS ABOUT OUR NEIGHBOR'S DOG STEALING HER BANK PASSWORD. 692 00:37:06,190 --> 00:37:09,060 SHE WOULD BE HURT, BUT TOTALLY IMPRESSED. 693 00:37:09,126 --> 00:37:11,429 ( LAUGHTER ) YOU DID THAT?! 694 00:37:11,495 --> 00:37:15,433 WHO TAUGHT YOU HOW TO DO THAT?! 695 00:37:15,499 --> 00:37:17,435 OH, I CAN'T STAY MAD AT YOU. 696 00:37:17,501 --> 00:37:20,871 HE THINKS HE'S PEOPLE. 697 00:37:20,938 --> 00:37:22,640 ( LAUGHTER ) I WAS IN AUSTIN, TEXAS, 698 00:37:22,707 --> 00:37:26,043 RECENTLY, EATING A TACO FOR BREAKFAST BECAUSE IT'S CRAZY 699 00:37:26,110 --> 00:37:27,244 DOWN THERE. 700 00:37:27,311 --> 00:37:30,381 THE TACO WAS SO DELICIOUS, I FELT I WAS EMOTIONALLY INVOLVED 701 00:37:30,448 --> 00:37:31,983 WITH THE TACO. 702 00:37:32,049 --> 00:37:37,722 SO I TOOK A PICTURE, SEND IT TO MY WIFE WIFE ALONG WITH THE 703 00:37:37,788 --> 00:37:41,492 CAPTION "I'M SORRY, I MET SOMEONE NEW." 704 00:37:41,559 --> 00:37:45,463 JUST AN AWESOME JOKE AND I KNOW SHE'S GOING TO LOVE IT. 705 00:37:45,529 --> 00:37:47,531 SEVERAL HOURS GO BY, I HAVEN'T HEARD BACK. 706 00:37:47,598 --> 00:37:49,000 SO I CHECK IN. 707 00:37:49,066 --> 00:37:52,470 WHEN I OPEN THE APP, THE NEXT MESSAGE SENT FINE BUT THE 708 00:37:52,536 --> 00:37:56,807 PHOTOGRAPH OF THE TACO DID NOT SEND! 709 00:37:56,874 --> 00:37:58,009 ( AUDIENCE REACTS ) ( LAUGHTER ) 710 00:37:58,075 --> 00:38:02,146 SO WHAT I'VE DONE, IS SENT MY FAVORITE PERSON IN THE WORLD A 711 00:38:02,213 --> 00:38:06,384 VERY CASUAL EARLY-MORNING BREAKFAST BREAKUP TEXT AND THE 712 00:38:06,450 --> 00:38:08,019 END GONE RADIO SILENT. 713 00:38:08,085 --> 00:38:12,323 AND THIS IS WHY I RECOMMEND, BE WITH SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T THINK 714 00:38:12,390 --> 00:38:14,525 YOU'RE PHYSICALLY CAPABLE OF CHEATING ON THEM BECAUSE SHE 715 00:38:14,592 --> 00:38:20,431 TOLD ME EARLIER IT DIDN'T OCCUR TO HER FOR A SECOND THAT WAS 716 00:38:20,498 --> 00:38:21,365 REAL. 717 00:38:21,432 --> 00:38:22,566 ( LAUGHTER ) THIS IS HER WHOLE EXPERIENCE -- 718 00:38:22,633 --> 00:38:23,134 I'M LEAVING YOU FOR ANOTHER WOMAN. 719 00:38:23,200 --> 00:38:25,302 AND SHE'S LIKE -- NOPE. 720 00:38:25,369 --> 00:38:27,738 ( LAUGHTER ) WE TOOK A WHILE BEFORE WE GOT 721 00:38:27,805 --> 00:38:31,275 ENGAGED, WE DIDN'T RUSH INTO IT. 722 00:38:31,342 --> 00:38:34,912 MY UNCLE SAID, DUDE, WHY BUY THE COW IF YOU'RE ALREADY GETTING 723 00:38:34,979 --> 00:38:36,013 THE MILK FOR FREE? 724 00:38:36,080 --> 00:38:39,183 AND I WAS LIKE -- LOVE! 725 00:38:39,250 --> 00:38:43,454 HERE'S HOW YOU CA TELL I LOVE HER, RICK, I NEVER REFER TO HER 726 00:38:43,521 --> 00:38:44,955 AS "THE COW." 727 00:38:45,022 --> 00:38:47,458 THAT'S A GIVEAWAY. 728 00:38:47,525 --> 00:38:53,030 YEAH. 729 00:38:53,097 --> 00:38:59,437 ALSO, YOU HAVE BEEN DIVORCED THREE TIMES, RICK, MAYBE YOU'RE 730 00:38:59,503 --> 00:39:05,443 NOT -- [ CLICKS TONGUE ). 731 00:39:05,509 --> 00:39:06,577 A RANCHER. 732 00:39:06,644 --> 00:39:10,915 ALSO SOMETIMES IN AMERICA THE CATTLE HAVE BETTER HEALTH. 733 00:39:10,981 --> 00:39:13,984 IT'S VERY COMPLICATED. 734 00:39:14,051 --> 00:39:18,489 SOME GUY SAID HE'D BEEN FRIEND ZONE, WAS VERY UPSET. 735 00:39:18,556 --> 00:39:20,291 IT'S SUCH AN ENTITLED TERM. 736 00:39:20,357 --> 00:39:24,962 I PRETENDED TO BE NICE WITH THIS LADY AND SHE DIDN'T IMMEDIATELY 737 00:39:25,029 --> 00:39:28,299 SLEEP WITH ME SO I'M THE VICTIM OF A HUGE INJOSESTIES. 738 00:39:28,365 --> 00:39:29,433 NOT HOW IT WORKS. 739 00:39:29,500 --> 00:39:36,974 I PUT IN THREE COMPLIMENTS, WHERE DOES THE SEX COME OUT? 740 00:39:37,041 --> 00:39:39,210 ( LAUGHTER ) ALSO, YOU JUST MADE A FRIEND, 741 00:39:39,276 --> 00:39:44,482 YOU MONSTER! 742 00:39:44,548 --> 00:39:47,752 LIKE, WHO'S MAD ABOUT GETTING A FREE FRIEND? 743 00:39:47,818 --> 00:39:51,756 I'M AN ADULT, I HAVEN'T MADE A FRIEND ON ACCIDENT SINCE THIRD 744 00:39:51,822 --> 00:39:52,957 GRADE. 745 00:39:53,023 --> 00:39:56,694 IF ANY OF YOU FRIEND TO FRIEND ZONE ME TONIGHT, I WOULD BE UP 746 00:39:56,761 --> 00:39:57,962 FOR IT. 747 00:39:58,028 --> 00:40:02,600 LET'S GET BRUNCH AND PLAY BOARD GAMES AND GO ON A ROAD TRIP AND 748 00:40:02,666 --> 00:40:03,768 DEVELOP AN INSIDE JOKE AND BE THERE FOR EACH OTHER WHEN IT 749 00:40:03,834 --> 00:40:07,605 MEARTSZ AND HAVE A BETTER VERSION OF THANKSGIVING WITHOUT 750 00:40:07,671 --> 00:40:09,540 OUR FAMILIES THERE. 751 00:40:09,607 --> 00:40:11,675 LET'S FRIEND ZONE, NEW YORK! 752 00:40:11,742 --> 00:40:12,810 THANK YOU VERY MUCH! 753 00:40:12,877 --> 00:40:15,279 >> STEPHEN: HE'S TAPING HIS DEBUT COMEDY ALBUM AT HELIUM 754 00:40:15,346 --> 00:40:18,349 CLUB IN PORTLAND, OREGON ON SEPTEMBER 15. 755 00:40:18,415 --> 00:40:20,017 ALEX FALCONE, EVERYBODY WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK. 756 00:40:27,057 --> 00:40:27,958 >> STEPHEN: THAT'S IT FOR THE LATE SHOW. 757 00:40:28,025 --> 00:40:28,893 GOOD NIGHT, EVERYBODY! 758 00:40:28,959 --> 00:40:29,693 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪♪