>> OVER THE PAST SEVERAL DECADES, THE OLYMPIC VILLAGE HAS
DEVELOPED A BIT OF A REPUTATION.
THAT REPUTATION INVOLVES HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF CONDOMS
AND A LOT OF PEOPLE USING THEM.
>> ACCORDING TO A SOCIOLOGIST WHO STUDIES SEXUALITY, SEX IN
THE VILLAGE IS GOING TO HAPPEN MORE THAN EVER BEFORE.
>> AND IT'S NOT JUST THE ATHLETES GEARING UP.
THE OLYMPIC MASCOTS ARE ALSO GETTING IN ON THE ACTION.
>> Announcer: IT'S "THE LATE SHOW" WITH STEPHEN COLBERT!
TONIGHT, INTO THE SICK OF IT.
PLUS STEPHEN WELCOMES HANNAH EINBINDER AND COMEDIAN ALEX
FALCONE WITH A SPECIAL APPEARANCE BY ZACH SNYDER,
FEATURING JON BATISTE AND "STAY HUMAN."
AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK
CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪♪
>> Stephen: HEY!
WHOO!
>> Jon: HEY!
HEY!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: WELCOME ONE AND
ALL, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT, AND I HAVE GREAT NEWS ABOUT
COVID 19.
IT'S SOMETHING I WISH I COULD SAY.
UNFORTUNATELY -- ON THE LITTLE PROMPTER IT SAYS COVID 19 CASES
NEARLY TRIPLED IN THE U.S. IN THE LAST TWO WEEKS.
COME ON, AMERICA!
FOR PETE'S SAKE!
HOW MANY TIMES DO WE HAVE TO MAKE THE SAME MISTAKES BEFORE
THE CONSEQUENCES ARE DIFFERENT?
( LAUGHTER ) THIS SURGE IS ESPECIALLY HARD ON
DOCTORS.
ONE HOSPITAL ADMINISTRATOR DESCRIBED HIS STAFF THIS WAY:
THEY ARE TIRED.
THEY ARE THINKING, HIS IS DEÉJÀA VU ALL OVER AGAIN.
THAT, OF COURSE, IS A QUOTE BY BASEBALL GREAT,YOGI BERRA.
REMINDS ME OF ONE OF HIS OTHER FAMOUS SAYING:
THE FUTURE AIN'T WHAT IT USED TO BE, AND NEITHER ARE THE
UNVACCINATED.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
IF YOU'RE LOOKING FOR A GOOD DOCTOR, ESPECIALLY AN
ANESTHESIOLOGIST IN THE WILLIAMSBURG AREA OF VIRGINIA,
LOOK NO FURTHER THAN DR. RON -- >> ROD.
>> Stephen: -- ROD -- FERNANDEZ.
>> Stephen: -- FERNANDEZ.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
THERE YOU GO.
RIGHT THERE.
IN WILLIAMSBURG, HE WILL ANESTHETIZE YOU WITH A BUTTER
CHURN.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: BACK TO OUR MONOLOGUE ALREADY IN PROGRESS.
( LAUGHTER ) MOST OF THIS INCREASE WAS CAUSED
BY THE DELTA VARIANT, BUT THAT'S NOT THE ONLY FLAVOR OF COVID OUT
THERE.
AND EXPERTS ARE WARNING: MORE VARIANTS ARE COMING.
OH, NO.
THIS IS GONNA BE JUST LIKE THE REAL HOUSEWIVES, NEW VARIANTS
POPPING UP ALL OVER THE COUNTRY.
IT'S ONLY A MATTER OF TIME UNTIL ONE OF THE STRAINS RELEASES ITS
OWN LINE OF VODKA.
( LAUGHTER ) SOME OF THESE NEW VARIANTS ARE
ALREADY MAKING A SPLASH.
ILLINOIS IS REPORTING SIX TIMES MORE GAMMA VARIANT CASES THAN
DELTA.
GAMMA IS A VARIANT FIRST IDENTIFIED IN BRAZIL --
WHICH MAKES IT EASY TO DETECT.
HERE'S NORMAL COVID.
AND HERE'S THE BRAZILIAN.
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, THERE'S NO REASON TO WORRY
ABOUT ANY OF THIS IF YOU'RE VACCINATED.
THE SCIENTIFIC COMMUNITY AGREES THAT THE VACCINES ARE UP TO THE
CHALLENGE OF EVOLVING VARIANTS.
HEAR THAT, PANDEMIC?
WE CAN TAKE WHATEVER NEW STUFF YOU THROW AT US!
DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MANY NEW FLAVORS OF OREOS WE'VE
ENDURED?
( LAUGHTER ) CANDY CORN, PINA COLADA, PEEPS,
WASABI!
IF YOU'RE VACCINATED, YOU CAN EAT A WHOLE SLEEVE OF ANY OF
THOSE AND PROBABLY NOT END UP IN THE HOSPITAL.
( LAUGHTER ) THE ONLY THING SPREADING FASTER
THAN COVID VARIANTS, IS COVID MISINFORMATION.
ESPECIALLY ON SOCIAL MEDIA.
IN RESPONSE, FACEBOOK HAS BEEN HUNTING DOWN AND REMOVING GROUPS
THAT PRESENT MISLEADING OR SENSATIONALIZED INFORMATION
ABOUT VACCINES.
IF YOU'RE LYING ABOUT THE VACCINE, MARK ZUCKERBERG WILL
HUNT YOU DOWN.
BY LAND OR BY SEA.
FACEBOOK FINDS THE GROUPS USING KEYWORDS, BUT THEY'RE HAVING
TROUBLE BECAUSE SOME ANTI-VAX GROUPS ARE CHANGING THEIR NAMES
TO EUPHEMISMS LIKE DANCE PARTY IN ORDER TO SKIRT BANS FROM
FACEBOOK.
SO GET READY FOR NEW DANCE CRAZES LIKE "ACTUAL SATURDAY
NIGHT FEVER," "THE HARLEM ACHE," AND "THE FLOSS, OF TASTE &
SMELL."
( LAUGHTER ) THEY DON'T JUST AVOID DETECTION
WITH THE NAMES OF THE GROUPS, THEY ALSO USE CODE IN THEIR
POST.
FOR EXAMPLE, INSTEAD OF GOT THE VACCINE, THEY SAY DRANK
BEER, DANCED OR DRANK BEER.
REFERENCES TO PFIZER GENERALLY USE THE TERMS PIZZA, MODERNA IS
REFERRED TO AS MOANA.
DANCING, BEER, PIZZA, MOANA.
IF YOU'RE GOING TO DESCRIBE SOMETHING THAT YOU THINK IS
KILLING EVERYBODY, MAYBE DON'T USE CODE WORDS THAT YOU THINK
EVERYBODY UNIVERSALLY LOVES.
MIGHT AS WELL JUST SAY MY SISTER DANCED WITH A LAUNDRY
BASKET FULL OF PUPPIES AND NOW, I'M AFRAID SHE'S GIVEN ME ROCK
HARD ABS.
( LAUGHTER ) AND NOW SHE'S PRESSURING THE
WHOLE FAMILY TO DRINK A CHOCOLATE MILKSHAKE WITH JASON
SUDEIKIS.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
IN ONE POST, A WOMAN EXPLAINED HER HUSBAND HAD BECOME SICK
AFTER GOING ON A CROSS COUNTRY TRIP WHERE WE SPENT 2 NIGHTS
WITH DANCERS.
( LAUGHTER ) IN THIS CASE, DANCERS IS CODE
FOR VACCINATED PEOPLE.
BUT NOW HER HUSBAND HAS THE PERFECT ALIBI FOR GOING TO STRIP
CLUBS.
(AS HUSBAND) "HONEY, I SPENT THE NIGHT WITH
TWO DANCERS AND NOW I HAVE CHLAMYDIA."
FAUCI!
DAMN YOU, FAUCI!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Jon: HEY!
>> Stephen: OF COURSE, THE PANDEMIC HAS AGGRAVATED OUR
PRE-EXISTING CONDITION OF OBSCENELY RICH PEOPLE.
ACCORDING TO BLOOMBERG SUPERYACHT, CHARTERS ARE UP OVER
340%.
THIS IS DISGUSTING.
IN A TIME OF DIRE NEED, THE ULTRA-RICH SHOULDN'T BE BLOWING
THEIR MONEY ON BOATS.
THAT'S MONEY THAT COULD BE USED TO LAUNCH GIANT PENISES INTO
SPACE.
( APPLAUSE ) IT'S NOT JUST CHARTERS.
YACHT SALES ARE ALSO BOOMING.
SOME BILLIONAIRES ARE BUILDING SUCH BIG YACHTS, THEY CAN COST
OVER $500 MILLION, AND ARE IN AN ELITE NEW VESSEL CATEGORY: THE
GIGAYACHT.
COMPARED TO A MEGAYACHT, A GIGA YACHT CAN HOLD A THOUSAND TIMES
MORE DOUCHEBAGS.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
MEGA TO GIGA, TERA.
THESE YACHTS HAVE EVERYTHING YOU COULD WANT AND A LOT YOU DON'T.
ONE YACHT HAD A DEDICATED COCAINE ROOM.
I'M GOING TO SAY...
IF YOU HAVE A DEDICATED COCAINE ROOM, I'M GUESSING EVERY ROOM IS
A DEDICATED COCAINE ROOM.
( LAUGHTER ) IT'S NOT JUST THE BOATS
THEMSELVES.
DURING THEIR TIME AT SEA, THE WEALTHY FIND WAYS TO WASTE THEIR
MONEY ON OTHER VEHICLES.
FOR EXAMPLE, MANY YACHTS WILL HAVE A CHOPPER, COME TO
REPLENISH THE CAVIAR SUPPLY HALFWAY THROUGH A TRIP.
THAT MUST BE TRAUMATIC FOR THE FISH WATCHING FROM THE OCEAN.
( LAUGHTER ) "LOOK HONEY, THE KIDS ARE HERE
TO VISIT!
WHAT?
NO!
TOAST POINTS?!
( LAUGHTER ) THESE YACHTS ALSO KEEP
THEMSELVES WELL STOCKED IN LUXURY HUMAN
REFRESHMENT.
SOME BIG SPENDERS FILL A SECONDARY SUPERYACHT WITH WOMEN,
WHO ARE CALLED DAY-USE GIRLFRIENDS.
AND WE'VE FOUND IT!
( DING-DING ) THE WORLD'S GROSSEST COMBINATION
OF THREE WORDS!
JIMMY, TELL US WHAT WE'VE WON.
>> PARALYZING NIGHTMARES ABOUT THE CONSEQUENCES OF LATESTAGE
CAPITALISM.
ALSO, A BROYHILL DINETTE SET BROYHILL: NO SEX WORKERS WERE
EMPLOYED IN THE MANUFACTURING OF THIS TABLE.
BACK TO YOU, STEVE.
>> Stephen: THANK YOU, JOHNNY.
( APPLAUSE ) >> STEPHEN: BEFORE I GET INTO MY
NEXT STORY, I JUST WANT TO SAY, KEEP IN MIND -- EVERYONE'S FINE.
>> I'M OK.
>> STEPHEN: TODAY ON EVERYONE'S FINE.
TEN PEOPLE WERE HURT IN A DIPPIN' DOTS FACTORY EXPLOSION.
NO ONE WAS SERIOUSLY INJURED, WHICH IS ACTUALLY SURPRISING.
THAT STUFF'S LIKE PASTEL BUCK SHOT.
( LAUGHTER ) AND I'M BEING TOLD WE HAVE
FOOTAGE OF THE EXPLOSION.
WOW, EVERYONE WHO WORKS AT DIPPIN DOTS IS SUPER HOT!
( LAUGHTER ) THE EXPLOSION HAPPENED WHEN A
TRUCK WAS UNLOADING LIQUID NITROGEN, THE SUBSTANCE USED TO
FLASHFREEZE DIPPIN' DOTS, INTO THE BUILDING.
LIQUID NITROGEN, OF COURSE, IS THE HEALTHIEST INGREDIENT IN
DIPPIN' DOTS.
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, IF YOU THOUGHT THIS
HEADLINE WAS FUNNY, SHAME ON YOU.
BECAUSE WHAT'S ACTUALLY FUNNY IS THAT THIS IS THE SECOND DIPPIN'
DOTS FACTORY EXPLOSION IN TWO YEARS.
IT'S LIKE THE OLD SAYING, BLOW UP THE DIPPIN DOTS FACTORY ONCE,
SHAME ON ME.
BLOW IT UP TWICE...
WHY DID THEY REBUILD IT?
NOBODY ACTUALLY LIKES DIPPIN' DOTS.
BUT CLEARLY, THERE'S A PATTERN.
( APPLAUSE ) BUT CLEARLY, THERE'S A PATTERN.
SOMEONE IS OUT TO GET DIPPIN DOTS.
WHY?
MAY I REMIND YOU: DIPPIN DOTS IS THE ICE CREAM OF THE FUTURE.
SOMEONE IS STOPPING AT NOTHING TO MAKE SURE THAT FUTURE NEVER
COMES TO PASS.
HERE'S MY THEORY -- THE TECHNOLOGICAL DOT-IFICATION
OF AMERICA'S STRATEGIC ICE CREAM RESERVE LEADS TO SKYNET AND
SELF-AWARE KILLER DESSERTMAKING ROBOTS ENSLAVE HUMANITY.
BUT FREEDOM FIGHTERS FROM THE FUTURE ARE SENDING THEMSELVES
BACK IN TIME TO SOFT-SERVE SOME JUSTICE.
JUST CONNECT THE TINY FROZEN DOTS WE ALREADY KNOW THAT THE
ONLY WAY TO DEFEAT THE TIME-TRAVELING KILLER ROBOTS IS
LIQUID NITROGEN.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THAT'S IT!
>> Jon: THEN THEY'RE DONE.
>> Stephen: CASE CLOSED!
NEED MORE PROOF?
LISTEN CAREFULLY TO THIS FAMOUS LINE --
>> I'LL BE BACK...
FOR SPRINKLES.
>> STEPHEN: WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT, MY GUEST
IS THE STAR OF "HACKS," HANNAH EINBINDER.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, MEANWHILE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪♪
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: JON BATISTE AND "STAY HUMAN," EVERYBODY!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) JON --
>> YES.
>> Stephen: IN JUST A MINUTE, JON, HAVE YOU WATCHED THE SHOW
"HACKS."
>> Jon: HANNAH WAS ON OUR SHOW BEFORE COVID.
>> Stephen: EXACTLY.
ONE TO HAVE THE STAR OF "HACKS," HANNAH EINBINDER, IS GOING TO BE
ON HERE IN A MOMENT.
IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN "HACKS," IT'S A FANTASTIC SHOW.
I KNOW WE HAVE TO GET GOING, BUT I WAS WATCHING "MAYOR OF
EASTTOWN" AND I'M A BIG GENE SMART FAN.
AND THEN SOMEBODY SAID IF YOU LIKE THAT, YOU SHOULD WATCH
"HACKS," BECAUSE JEAN SMART IS IN THERE.
I SAID, WHO'S THIS HANNAH EINBINDER?
THEY SAID, SHE'S BEEN ON YOUR SHOW.
>> Jon: YEAH, SHE WAS ON THE SHOW.
>> Stephen: THAT WAS THE ONLY OTHER THING SHE'S DONE IN
TELEVISION IS YOUR SHOW.
AND IT WAS LIKE A WEEK BEFORE WE WE WANTED OFF THE WARE IN 2020.
EARLY MARCH OF 2020, SHE WAS ON THE SHOW.
SO I WENT BACK AND WATCHED AND IT WAS GREAT.
THEN I REALIZED, OVER, I WANT TO TALK TO HER NOW BECAUSE SHE WAS
ON THE SHOW AND I'M VERY PROUD THAT WE RECOGNIZE TALENT.
>> Jon: YES.
>> Stephen: SHE'S TALENTED, SHE'S FANTASTIC.
>> Jon: LEVELED UP.
>> Stephen: SHE'S INCREDIBLE.
STICK AROUND FOR THAT.
ARE WE HERE?
WHERE ARE WE.
>> Stephen: IT'S LIKE THE FIRST TIME I HAVE BEEN ON
TELEVISION.
( LAUGHTER ) FRIENDS, EVERY NIGHT I STAND
OVER THERE, CAREFULLY LIGHTING AND STAGING THE DAY'S MOST
TOPICAL NEWS STORIES, COMPOSING GROUNDBREAKING ORCHESTRAL
ARRANGEMENTS TO SUPPORT THEM, THEN METICULOUSLY CHOREOGRAPHING
THEM AND MYSELF IN A DELICATE, HEARTBREAKING, YET UPLIFTING
PAS-DEDEUX, TO PRESENT FOR YOU THE EPOCH-DEFINING BALLET THAT
IS MY MONOLOGUE.
BUT SOMETIMES, I FISH A STAINED VELOUR JUMPSUIT OUT OF A CANAL,
HOOK A RADIO I RIPPED OUT OF A GARBAGE TRUCK TO AN ABANDONED
CAR BATTERY, SLAP THE DIAL THROUGH FUZZ TILL IT LANDS ON A
RANDOM A.M. OLDIES STATION, THEN SHAKE MY ASS FOR NICKELS IN THE
DEMENTED VAGRANT MACARENA OF NEWS OF THAT IS MY SEGMENT:
>> (ECHOING) MEANWHILE!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: HEY!
THERE IT IS!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) MEANWHILE, BAD NEWS FROM THE
TOKYO GAMES, POLAND HAS SENT SIX SWIMMERS HOME FROM THE OLYMPICS
AFTER SELECTING TOO MANY BY MISTAKE.
( LAUGHTER ) TURNS OUT, UPON CLOSER REVIEW,
WHAT THEY THOUGHT WAS ONE SWIMMER WAS ACTUALLY
THREE SWIMMERS IN A TRENCHCOAT ( LAUGHTER )
MEANWHILE, TWITTER IS OFFICIALLY OFFICIALLYTESTING A DISLIKE
BUTTON.
FINALLY, WE'LL BE ABLE TO FIND OUT IF PEOPLE ON TWITTER HATE
SOMETHING.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
MEANWHILE, AT A WILDWOOD, NEW JERSEY AMUSEMENT PARK
A SEAGULL HIT A TEEN IN THE FACE.
STILL THE MOST SANITARY THING THAT'S EVER HAPPENED AT AN
AMUSEMENT PARK.
( LAUGHTER ) LUCKILY, THE GIRL, 13-YEAR OLD
KILEY HOLMAN, WASN'T HURT, AND SHE HANDLED IT REALLY WELL:
>> HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
BYE!
( SCREAMING ) >> A BIRD FLEW ON MY FACE.
A BIRD FLEW ON MY FACE.
OH MY GOD!
I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE THIS VIDEO!
>> STEPHEN: GOOD FOR YOU, KILEY.
SHE WAS COOL AS A CUCUMBER.
AND I THINK WE ALSO HAVE AUDIO OF THE SEAGULL.
>> THERE'S A GIRL ON ME.
GET IF OFF.
OH MY GOD!
I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE THE VIDEO ( LAUGHTER )
MEANWHILE, IN ASTRONOMY NEWS, ACCORDING TO A NEW PHYSICS
THEORY, THE UNIVERSE IS A GIANT DONUT THAT WE LIVE INSIDE.
RAISING THE PHILOSOPHICAL QUESTION: COULD GOD CREATE A
DONUT SO BIG, NOT EVEN HE COULD EAT IT?
UNFORTUNATELY, I AM NOT CURRENTLY HIGH ENOUGH TO ANSWER
THAT.
BUT IF OUR UNIVERSE IS A DONUT, WE NEED TO KNOW: IS IT GLAZED OR
SPRINKLED?
GET ON IT, SCIENCE MEANWHILE NETFLIX IS PLANNING AN EXPANSION
INTO VIDEO GAMES, FOR THE PURPOSE OF HELPING MARKET
EXISTING SHOWS.
THAT'S EXCITING NEWS.
AND I WAS LUCKY ENOUGH TO GET A BETA VERSION OF "BRIDGERTON:"
THE VIDEO GAME: ♪♪
>> LOOK AT YOU, YOU'RE DOWNRIGHT FLUSHED.
>> THAT IS WHAT HAPPENS.
>> WHEN ONE IS ANGRY.
>> WHEN ONE BURNS FOR SOMEONE WHO DOES NOT FEEL THE SAME.
♪♪ ( LAUGHTER )
>> STEPHEN: WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH A BOLD NEW VISION FOR THE
LATE SHOW FROM DIRECTOR ZACK SNYDER.
♪♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
♪♪
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!
WELCOME BACK!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WELCOME
BACK.
YOU KNOW, FOLKS, EVEN WHEN I WAS ALL ALONE IN A STORAGE ROOM ON
THE 8TH FLOOR, I'D LIKE TO THINK WE DID SOME PRETTY GOOD SHOWS.
IN FACT, THERE WERE A LOT OF THINGS WE BROADCAST OVER THOSE
15 LONELY MONTHS, AFTER WHICH I'D SAY, MAN, I REALLY WISH I
COULD SHOW THAT TO A LIVE AUDIENCE.
WELL, I RECENTLY ACQUIRED A LIVE AUDIENCE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AND IT'S MY DAMN SHOW.
( LAUGHTER ) SO, TONIGHT, I'M GONNA SHOW YOU
ONE.
YOU MIGHT REMEMBER THAT A COUPLE MONTHS AGO, ZACK SNYDER AGREED
TO GUEST DIRECT AN EPISODE OF THE LATE SHOW.
SNYDER IS, OF COURSE, BEST KNOWN FOR MAKING GIANT BLOCKBUSTERS
LIKE, "JUSTICE LEAGUE," "ARMY OF THE DEAD," AND "300."
SO I WAS EXCITED WHEN HE WANTED TO BRING HIS CINEMATIC VISION TO
THE LATE SHOW.
NOW, FOR THE FIRST TIME IN FRONT OF LIVE AUDIENCE -- A
BEHIND-THE-SCENES LOOK AT THE LATE SHOW: THE SNYDER CUT.
JIM?
♪ ♪ ♪ >> AS A DIRECTOR, I LIKE A
CHALLENGE.
THAT'S WHY I SPENT MY WHOLE CAREER TACKLING THE BIG GENRES.
I'M ALWAYS LOOKING TO GROW AS AN ARTIST.
SO WHEN MY AGENT ASKED ME IF I WANTED TO DIRECT AN EPISODE OF
"THE LATE SHOW," I IMMEDIATELY SAID YES.
I LOVE CAR POOL KARAOKE.
AND HE SAID, "NO, IT'S THE ONE BEFORE THAT."
AND I WAS LIKE OKAY.
>> STEPHEN: WE WERE SO EXCITED THAT ZACK SIGNED ON TO THE
PROJECT.
HE HAS THIS GENIUS FOR VISUAL STORYTELLING FROM THE DARK,
GRITTY LOOK OF "WATCHMAN" TO "JUSTICE LEAGUE'S" GRITTY DARK
LOOK.
HE CAN DO IT ALL.
AND MOST IMPORTANTLY, ZACK LOVES OUR SHOW.
HE LOVES WHAT WE DO.
HE JUST HAD A FEW MINOR SUGGESTIONS.
>> EVERYTHING HAD TO CHANGE-- I MEAN EVERYTHING-- STARTING WITH
THE SET.
SO DRAB.
THAT'S WHY I WORK WITH MY C.G.I.
TEAM TO CREATE A FULLY DIGITAL ENVIRONMENT THAT WOULD ALLOW FOR
COMPLETE CREATIVE FREEDOM.
WE STARTED WITH A BLANK CANVAS AND THEN PIXEL BY PIXEL WITH A
CREW OF ABOUT 400 ANIMATORS WORKING 18-HOUR DAYS WE
ENVISIONED A "LATE NIGHT" SET UNLIKE ANYTHING ANYONE HAD EVER
SEEN BEFORE.
I MEAN, UNRECOGNIZABLE.
>> STEPHEN: THE TOTAL DIGITAL ENVIRONMENT, IT'S ALL ABOUT
FREEDOM.
THIS DESK I'M AT RIGHT HERE IS $80 MILLION MORE THAN MY ACTUAL
DESK, BUT IT CAN INSTANTLY TRANSFORM INTO ANYTHING.
>> I MEAN, IT'S JUST GOING TO STAY A DESK.
BUT, THE POTENTIAL TO BE ANYTHING IS WHAT GREAT CINEMA IS
ALL ABOUT.
>> STEPHEN: HEY!
WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."
>> CUT!
OKAY.
>> STEPHEN: DI-- >> ALL RIGHT, NO, NO.
TAKE IT ONE MORE TIME.
>> STEPHEN: PLEASE.
>> KEEP IN MIND, YOUR FAMILY IT TRAPPED UNDER AN OVERTURNED
TANK.
THE TREADS ARE SPINNING INCHES FROM THEIR FACE.
ZOMBIE HORDES ARE ATTACKING, CLOSING IN.
YOU'RE DESPERATE.
YOU'RE ANGRY.
YOU'RE HUNGRY FOR REVENGE.
YOU'RE ALSO JUST HUNGRY.
READY?
ACTION.
>> STEPHEN: WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.
TONIGHT-- >> CUT!
THAT'S THE ONE.
ALL RIGHT, PRINT IT OR...
I GUESS IT'S DIGITAL.
SO DON'T PRINT IT, BUT WE'VE GOT IT, RIGHT?
>> STEPHEN: WHEN IT COMES TO TRADITIONAL ZACK SNYDER LEADS
OBVIOUSLY YOU EXPECT THEM TO BE CARVED, CUT, SHREDDED HUNKS,
GODS AMONG MORTALS.
SO I WAS FLATTERED WHEN ZACK SIGNED ON, BECAUSE I'M MORE OF
A...
>> DWEEB.
STEPHEN'S WEAK.
HE FILLS OUT HIS CLOTHES LIKE LENTILS FILL OUT A SANDWICH BAG.
THAT WASN'T GOING TO FLY.
SO WE GOT HIM AN ELITE, HOLLYWOOD PERSONAL TRAINER.
AND AFTER WEEKS OF INTENSE WORKOUTS...
THE RESULTS WERE UNBELIEVABLE.
>> I'VE NEVER SEEN ANYONE MAKE LESS PROGRESS!
>> I THINK HE ACTUALLY LOST MUSCLE MASS.
>> STEPHEN: WHAT CAN I SAY?
I LOVE OYSTER CRACKERS.
AND BEFORE YOU SAY THAT THESE ARE EMPTY CALORIES, THEY'RE NOT!
BECAUSE I FELL THEM ALL WITH M&MS.
>> WHEN IT CAME TO STEPHEN'S MONOLOGUES I WANTED TO GIVE THE
REAL ZACK SNYDER FANS WHAT THEY HAVE BEEN DEMANDING FOR YEAR--
ANOTHER ZACK SNYDER SLOW-MOTION SHOT.
THE PROBLEM IS MONOLOGUES ARE SO STATIC, SLOW MOTION NEEDED
ACTION.
I HAD AN IDEA-- THROW A KNIFE AT STEPHEN.
>> STEPHEN: IF THE INFRASTRUCTURE BILL PASSES, THIS
WILL BE THE VERY FIRST TIME IN THE LAST...
HE DID NOT MENTION THE KNIFE-THROWING PART.
>> LOOK, DIRECTING IS ALL ABOUT KEEPING YOUR TALENT OUT OF THEIR
COMFORT ZONE.
>> STEPHEN: LOST A LOT OF BLOOD.
♪ ♪ ♪ >> THEN I NEEDED TO OVERHAUL THE
BAND, JON BATISTE AND STAY HUMAN.
I HAVE BEEN WORKING A LOT WITH ZOMBIE MAKEUP FOR MY NEW NETFLIX
MOVIE "ARMY OF THE DEAD."
I STARTED WONDERING: WHAT IF STAY HUMAN DIDN'T.
>> JON: OH, YES, ZACK SNYDER LET ME DO THE SHOW THE WAY I ALWAYS
WANTED-- AS A MEMBER OF THE UNDEAD.
>> STEPHEN: OBVIOUSLY IT'S A FREE COUNTRY.
BUT YOU COULD BE VACCINATED OR UNVACCINATED -- OH!
FISH STICKS!
>> CUT!
CUT!
YOU'RE NOT A ZOMBIE.
NO!
>> STEPHEN: LOST-- LOST A LOT OF BLOOD THAT DAY.
DAY.
>> JON: OH, DELICIOUS!
10 OUT OF 10 POPS.
( MUFFLED ) >> SO I DECIDED ALL THE
INTERVIEWS SHOULD HAVE A SUBTLE REFERENCE TO THE ALTERNATE
FUTURE SHOWN IN MY VERSION OF "JUSTICE LEAGUE."
SEE IF YOU CAN SPOT IT.
IT'S VERY SUBTLE.
> STEPHEN: HEY, EVERYBODY, WELCOME BACK!
YOU KNOW MY FIRST GUEST TONIGHT FROM HIS WORK AT ARKHAM ASYLUM.
PLEASE WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW," THE JOKER.
THANK YOU FOR AGREEING TO SHOW UP AT THE LAST MINUTE AFTER
JASON BATEMAN CANCELED.
>> BATMAN.
>> STEPHEN: NO, BATEMAN, JON BATISTE ATE HIM.
>> YOU NEED ME.
YOU... NEED ME.
>> STEPHEN: EXACTLY, THANKS FOR BEING HERE.
SO WHAT PROJECTS ARE YOU WORKING ON?
WHAT'S ON YOUR MIND?
>> I OFTEN WONDER HOW MANY DEAD EYES CAN YOU LOOK INTO?
BEFORE YOU DIE INSIDE YOURSELF?
>> STEPHEN: WELL, I'VE INTERVIEWED TED CRUZ AND RAND
PAUL, AND I SEEM TO BE DOING OKAY.
( LAUGHING ) I UNDERSTAND YOU'RE A BIT OF A
PRANKSTER ON SET.
THE WHOLE EPISODE IS 16 HOURS AND 47 MINUTES.
AND THAT'S JUST THE BEGINNING OF THE EXTEND "LATE SHOW"
SNYDER-VERSE.
WE'RE TALKING SPIN-OFFS, ANIMATED SPECIALS, THEME PARK
RIDES.
SUCK IS, WARNER BROTHERS!
SUCK IT.
>> WOW, HIS WORDS, NOT MINE.
BUT, YEAH, SUCK IT, WARNER BROTHERS.
>> STEPHEN: BOTTOM LINE: I CAN'T WAIT FOR THEM TO SEE "THE LATE
SHOW" SNYDER CUT."
>> HEY, STEPHEN, THINK FAST!
>> Stephen: HE'S GENIUS!
WERE WE ROLLING?
(RAINSTORM) >> AVAILABLE NOW ON PARAMOUNT+.
A MOUNTAIN OF "SUCK IT, WARNER BROTHERS."
(THUNDER) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> STEPHEN: THANK YOU AGAIN TO ZACK SNYDER AND TO ZOMBIE JON
BATISTE.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH "HACKS" STAR, HANNAH EINBINDER.
♪♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
♪♪
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!
WELCOME BACK, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) MY FIRST GUEST IS AN ACTOR AND
STAND-UP COMEDIAN WHO IS EMMY-NOMINATED FOR HER ROLE AS
AVA DANIELS IN HACKS.
>> YOU'RE A LESBIAN?
UM, NOT SURE YOU CAN ASK ME THAT.
>> OH, WHAT, SOMEONE'S GOING TO SHOW UP AND ARREST ME?
>> SINCE YOU'RE MY EMPLOYER, IT IS ILLEGAL.
BUT IF YOU'RE GENUINELY CURIOUS, I USED TO ONLY HOOK UP WITH MEN,
BUT WHEN I MAST BAITED, I THOUGHT ABOUT BELL WOMEN.
WHEN I WAS IN COLLEGE I THOUGHT OF PHOEBE AND I REALIZED I CULD
CONNECT EMOTIONALLY WITH WOMEN WHICH LED TO DEEPER SEXUAL
EXPERIENCES, BUT SOMETIMES I STILL NEED PENETRATIVE SEX WITH
( BLEEP ).
MAYBE I WAS JUST CONDITIONED TO THE PORN FED TO ME BY THE
ALGORITHM.
SO, ANY, WAY, I'M BI.
>> JEEZ, I WAS JUST WONDERING WHY YOU WERE DRESSED LIKE RACHEL
MADDOW'S MECHANIC.
>> STEPHEN: PLEASE WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW," HANNAH
EINBINDER!
♪♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: IT'S SO NICE TO MEET YOU.
I SAID THIS TO JON EARLIER, BUT I WANTED TO REPEAT THIS, THAT I
HAD SEEN THE MAYOR OF BEAST TOWN AND SAW "HACKS" AND I'M LOVING
IT BUT THOUGHT WHO IS HANNAH EINBINDER?
HOW COME I DON'T KNOW WHO THIS PERSON IS?
AND MY STAFF SAYS, SHE'S BEEN ON YOUR SHOW.
SO YOU PRE-TAPED THIS ACTUAL SET.
SO HERE YOU ARE, THIS IS YOUR FIRST TELEVISION EXPERIENCE,
JUST WEEKS BEFORE THE ENTIRE COUNTRY SHUT DOWN.
>> I WAS JUST A BOY THEN.
>> Stephen: YES.
( LAUGHTER ) AND NOW YOU'VE HAD YOUR
HOLLYWOOD BAR MITZVAH.
YOU HAVE YOUR OWN TV SHOW.
SO WHAT WAS THE NIGHT LIKE?
WHAT WAS THE ACTUAL DOING THE SHOW?
>> OH, MY GOD IT WAS IN A WORD FABULOUS.
I WALKED IN THROUGH THE BACK DOOR.
I THINK THERE WAS A BIT OF A MIST OR MAYBE A FOG.
I HEARD, LIKE, A WOLF'S CRY.
SINATRA WAS ON.
>> Stephen: SURE.
AND I WENT INTO THE DRESSING ROOM, CLASSY DAY COR, SORT OF A
WEST ELM, SORT OF YOUR RESTORATION HARDWARE.
>> Stephen: SURE.
GORGEOUS.
THERE WAS A GORGEOUS GIFT BAG.
>> Stephen: OH, GOOD.
GREAT STUFF?
>> GREAT PAIR OF SOCKS IN THERE.
I WANT TO SAY ONE THING ABOUT THE SOCKS, THEY HUG THE FOOT
JUST SO.
YOU KNOW WHEN YOU PUT ON A PAIR OF SOCKS AND, YOU KNOW, YOU JUST
GET THAT GRIP RIGHT AROUND THE CENTER AND YOU FEEL LIKE YOU
MIGHT HEAR A WHISPER OF A MALE VOICE SAYING, I'M PROUD OF YOU,
SON -- ( LAUGHTER )
-- IT'S THAT TYPE OF SUPPORT.
IT'S A GOOD PAIR OF SOCKS.
I WORE THEM DOWN TO -- I MEAN, THERE'S NOW A HOLE.
IT'S A GOOD THING I'M BACK BECAUSE I NEED ANOTHER PAIR.
>> Stephen: CAN WE GET HER ANOTHER PAIR OF SOCKS?
OKAY, WE'LL WORK ON THAT.
OKAY.
SO MOMENTS AFTER YOU DID THAT SET, THE ENTIRE COUNTRY SHUT
DOWN AND, IN THAT TIME, YOU LANDED THIS FANTASTIC SHOW,
"HACKS."
HOW DID THAT COME ABOUT?
NO ONE WAS WORKING.
HOW DID YOU GET THIS GIG?
>> YEAH, I WAS SITTING AT MY DESK, YOU KNOW, WHICH AT THE
TIME AS AN UNEMPLOYED COMEDIAN WAS JUST MY BED --
( LAUGHTER ) -- AND I GOT AN EMAIL, AND THE
CHARACTER DESCRIPTION WAS FOR A 25-YEAR-OLD BISEXUAL COMEDY
WRITER WHO HAD RECENTLY LOST HER JOB.
( LAUGHTER ) AND I'M --
( LAUGHTER ) -- I'M GOING, IS IT THERE?
CAN I FIND IT?
YOU KNOW, WHERE -- >> Stephen: YOU LOVE A
CHALLENGE.
YEAH.
WAS THERE AN AUDITION PROCESS?
BECAUSE WE WERE NOT ALLOWED TO BE NEAR EACH OTHER AT THIS
POINT.
WAS IT OVER ZOOM?
HOW DID YOU TO THE AUDITION?
>> THE CALLBACK WAS OVER ZOOM, AND THEN WE DID A SCREEN TEST,
JEAN AND I, AND I WAS TERRIFIED BECAUSE JEAN SMART IS A GOD, AND
I'M A MERE MORTAL, AND SHE CALLED ME ACTUALLY THE NIGHT
BEFORE, AND SHE JUST SAID, YOU KNOW, I SAW YOUR SET ON "THE
LATE SHOW" WITH STEPHEN COLBERT, AND SHE'S, LIKE, I THINK YOU'RE
GREAT.
I KNOW IT'S GOING TO BE A LITTLE WEIRD WITH THE COVID PROTOCOL,
BUT I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW WE'RE GOING TO HAVE A GOOD TIME
AND GOOD LUCK AND HAVE FUN.
>> Stephen: WHAT'S THE DYNAMIC?
SHE'S SUCH AN ACCOMPLISHED AND GIFTED ACTRESS AND SO FUNNY IN
HER OWN RIGHT, WHAT WAS THE DYNAMIC LIKE BETWEEN YOU TWO?
>> OH, MY GOD WE'RE ALWAYS FIRING JOKES OFF, LIKE AVA AND
DEBRA IN THAT WAY.
I REMEMBER WE WERE SHOOTING AN EPISODE SEVEN, THERE IS A KISS
AND WE WERE SHOOTING THE KISS SCENE BETWEEN THE TWO OF US AND
SHE IMMEDIATELY IS COMING TO WORK READY TO DO A FULL BIT.
SHE'S WEARING A WHITE SATIN ROBE AND SHE HAS BROUGHT A CIGARETTE,
BUT SHE'S, YOU KNOW, WALKING AND SAUNTERING IN AND PRETENDING THE
SMOKE.
AND, OF COURSE, MY CHARACTER IS DRESSED IN A TANK TOP AND SWEAT
PANTS, TRULY LOOKING LIKE A HUNGOVER ITALIAN MAN.
( LAUGHTER ) SO THE DYNAMIC IS RIGHT ON.
AND WE'RE DOING DOUBLE TAKES, AND OUR DIRECTOR DESIREE WAS,
LIKE, I FEEL LIKE WE GOT IT.
AND I WAS, LIKE, NO, I FEEL LIKE WE'VE GOT TO DO A COUPLE MORE
GUYS.
I THINK WE'VE GOT TO RUN IT BACK, JOEL.
I THINK YOUR FOCUS WAS OFF.
AND SHE'S, LIKE, OH, YOU STOP!
AND THE NEXT DAY, SHE KIND OF GOT ME BACK.
SHE CAME IN, AND I WAS ON SET IN THE MORNING AND I WAS HAVING MY
COFFEE, AND JEAN WALKED IN AND WITHOUT MISSING A BEAT JUST
LOOKED AT ME AND WENT -- HUH, NO FLOWERS.
INTERESTING.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: WELL, CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR EMMY
NOMINATION, FIRST OF MANY I HAVE NO DOUBT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YOU'RE SO GREAT IN THIS, AND I
WANTED TO, YOU KNOW, GIVE YOU A LITTLE TOAST RIGHT THERE.
HERE'S A LITTLE CHAMPAGNE.
CHEERS.
CONGRATULATIONS AND GOOD LUCK.
I'LL SEE YOU OUT THERE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> THANK YOU.
>> Stephen: OH, AND DO ENJOY THIS BEAUTIFUL PAIR OF SOCKS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) GOING TO BE GREAT.
CHEERS.
SEASON ONE OF "HACKS" IS AVAILABLE TO STREAM RIGHT NOW ON
HBO MAX.
HANNAH EINBINDER, EVERYBODY!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH COMEDIAN ALEX FALCONE!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪♪
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!
WELCOME BACK!
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, OUR NEXT GUEST --
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) MY NEXT GUEST IS HERE TO MAKE
HIS NETWORK TELEVISION DEBUT.
PLEASE WELCOME ALEX FALCONE!
>> THANK YOU!
WOW!
SO GOOD TO SEE ALL OF YOU.
I'LL TELL YOU GUYS ATE WILLLE BIT ABOUT MYSELF.
I HAVE A LITTLE GIRL AT HOME.
THAT'S A WEIRD WAY TO PHRASE THAT.
MY WIFE IS SHORT.
THAT WAS MISLEADING.
YEAH, I HAVE A PETITE ADULT WOMAN AT HOME.
I TALK ABOUT IT A LOT BECAUSE THAT'S THE ONLY THING I'VE GOT
ON HER, SHE HAS A MASTERS DEGREE AND I HAVE PEANUT BUTTER CUPS
ABOVE THE FRIDGE S SHE DOESN'T KNOW ABOUT.
SHE'S SUPPORTIVE.
I CHIPPED A TOOTH EATING PIE TOO AGGRESSIVELY.
SOMETIMES I DON'T TAKE THE FORK OUT OF MY MOUTH BEFORE CHEWING.
I LIVE ON THE EDGE.
I CHIP MY TOOTH.
I'M WHIMPERING.
MY WIFE COMES IN, WHAT HAPPENED BIG GUY, BECAUSE I'M VERY TALL.
WHAT HAPPENED?
I TELL HER THE WHOLE STORY, PIE, FORK, LIVING ON THE EDGE.
AND NO HESITATION, SHE SAYS, OH, YEAH, PIE CAN BE TRICKY.
( LAUGHTER ) WE HAVE BEEN TOGETHER SINCE WE
WERE 19 YEARS OLD, WHICH IS KIND OF A WHILE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THANK YOU.
YEAH.
IT'S OUR ENTIRE ADULT LIVES, WITH I IS A FUN WAY TO DO IT
WHICH MEANS WE DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT JEALOUSY BECAUSE
NEITHER OF US LEARNED HOW TO TALK TO OTHER PEOPLE.
SO WE'RE NOT A THREAT.
AT THIS POINT, MY WIFE THINKS ABOUT ME CHEATING ON HER THE WAY
SHE THINKS ABOUT OUR NEIGHBOR'S DOG STEALING HER BANK PASSWORD.
SHE WOULD BE HURT, BUT TOTALLY IMPRESSED.
( LAUGHTER ) YOU DID THAT?!
WHO TAUGHT YOU HOW TO DO THAT?!
OH, I CAN'T STAY MAD AT YOU.
HE THINKS HE'S PEOPLE.
( LAUGHTER ) I WAS IN AUSTIN, TEXAS,
RECENTLY, EATING A TACO FOR BREAKFAST BECAUSE IT'S CRAZY
DOWN THERE.
THE TACO WAS SO DELICIOUS, I FELT I WAS EMOTIONALLY INVOLVED
WITH THE TACO.
SO I TOOK A PICTURE, SEND IT TO MY WIFE WIFE ALONG WITH THE
CAPTION "I'M SORRY, I MET SOMEONE NEW."
JUST AN AWESOME JOKE AND I KNOW SHE'S GOING TO LOVE IT.
SEVERAL HOURS GO BY, I HAVEN'T HEARD BACK.
SO I CHECK IN.
WHEN I OPEN THE APP, THE NEXT MESSAGE SENT FINE BUT THE
PHOTOGRAPH OF THE TACO DID NOT SEND!
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) ( LAUGHTER )
SO WHAT I'VE DONE, IS SENT MY FAVORITE PERSON IN THE WORLD A
VERY CASUAL EARLY-MORNING BREAKFAST BREAKUP TEXT AND THE
END GONE RADIO SILENT.
AND THIS IS WHY I RECOMMEND, BE WITH SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T THINK
YOU'RE PHYSICALLY CAPABLE OF CHEATING ON THEM BECAUSE SHE
TOLD ME EARLIER IT DIDN'T OCCUR TO HER FOR A SECOND THAT WAS
REAL.
( LAUGHTER ) THIS IS HER WHOLE EXPERIENCE --
I'M LEAVING YOU FOR ANOTHER WOMAN.
AND SHE'S LIKE -- NOPE.
( LAUGHTER ) WE TOOK A WHILE BEFORE WE GOT
ENGAGED, WE DIDN'T RUSH INTO IT.
MY UNCLE SAID, DUDE, WHY BUY THE COW IF YOU'RE ALREADY GETTING
THE MILK FOR FREE?
AND I WAS LIKE -- LOVE!
HERE'S HOW YOU CA TELL I LOVE HER, RICK, I NEVER REFER TO HER
AS "THE COW."
THAT'S A GIVEAWAY.
YEAH.
ALSO, YOU HAVE BEEN DIVORCED THREE TIMES, RICK, MAYBE YOU'RE
NOT -- [ CLICKS TONGUE ).
A RANCHER.
ALSO SOMETIMES IN AMERICA THE CATTLE HAVE BETTER HEALTH.
IT'S VERY COMPLICATED.
SOME GUY SAID HE'D BEEN FRIEND ZONE, WAS VERY UPSET.
IT'S SUCH AN ENTITLED TERM.
I PRETENDED TO BE NICE WITH THIS LADY AND SHE DIDN'T IMMEDIATELY
SLEEP WITH ME SO I'M THE VICTIM OF A HUGE INJOSESTIES.
NOT HOW IT WORKS.
I PUT IN THREE COMPLIMENTS, WHERE DOES THE SEX COME OUT?
( LAUGHTER ) ALSO, YOU JUST MADE A FRIEND,
YOU MONSTER!
LIKE, WHO'S MAD ABOUT GETTING A FREE FRIEND?
I'M AN ADULT, I HAVEN'T MADE A FRIEND ON ACCIDENT SINCE THIRD
GRADE.
IF ANY OF YOU FRIEND TO FRIEND ZONE ME TONIGHT, I WOULD BE UP
FOR IT.
LET'S GET BRUNCH AND PLAY BOARD GAMES AND GO ON A ROAD TRIP AND
DEVELOP AN INSIDE JOKE AND BE THERE FOR EACH OTHER WHEN IT
MEARTSZ AND HAVE A BETTER VERSION OF THANKSGIVING WITHOUT
OUR FAMILIES THERE.
LET'S FRIEND ZONE, NEW YORK!
THANK YOU VERY MUCH!
>> STEPHEN: HE'S TAPING HIS DEBUT COMEDY ALBUM AT HELIUM
CLUB IN PORTLAND, OREGON ON SEPTEMBER 15.
ALEX FALCONE, EVERYBODY WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
>> STEPHEN: THAT'S IT FOR THE LATE SHOW.
GOOD NIGHT, EVERYBODY!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪♪