1 00:00:01,434 --> 00:00:04,304 A NEW STUDY IN JOURNAL OF EXPERIMENTAL BIOLOGY -- 2 00:00:19,219 --> 00:00:22,088 >> INTRODUCING BILLY, THE METH-ADDICTED BASS. 3 00:00:22,155 --> 00:00:25,759 FUN FOR THE WHOLE FAMILY. 4 00:00:25,825 --> 00:00:29,596 HE'S A TALKING FISH WHO ALSO HAS A VICIOUS METH ADDICTION! 5 00:00:29,662 --> 00:00:30,730 >> ALL MY TEETH FELL OUT! 6 00:00:30,797 --> 00:00:32,265 WATCH, EVERY TIME YOU COME NEAR, HE STRUGGLES TO LIFE AND 7 00:00:32,332 --> 00:00:34,067 SAYS ONE OF HIS TRADEMARK PHRASES. 8 00:00:34,134 --> 00:00:36,369 >> I'M COVERED IN SPIDERS! 9 00:00:36,436 --> 00:00:37,937 GET 'EM OFF ME! 10 00:00:38,004 --> 00:00:38,805 GET 'EM OFF! 11 00:00:38,872 --> 00:00:41,274 >> HE ALSO MAKES A GREAT GIFT! 12 00:00:41,341 --> 00:00:43,943 AS SOON AS YOU PEOPLE FALL ASLEEP, I'M GOING TO SELL YOUR 13 00:00:44,010 --> 00:00:46,079 TV! 14 00:00:46,146 --> 00:00:49,115 >> SO WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? 15 00:00:49,182 --> 00:00:52,719 PICK UP BILLY THE METH-ADDICTED BASS TODAY! 16 00:00:52,786 --> 00:00:57,123 >> FOR 20 BUCKS, I'LL GIVE YOU A FIN JOB! 17 00:00:57,190 --> 00:01:05,098 >> Announcer: IT'S "THE LATE SHOW" WITH STEPHEN COLBERT! 18 00:01:05,165 --> 00:01:10,904 TONIGHT, STEPHEN WELCOMES JASON SUDEIKIS! 19 00:01:10,970 --> 00:01:14,841 AND MUSICAL GUEST YOLA, FEATURING JON BATISTE AND "STAY 20 00:01:14,908 --> 00:01:16,075 HUMAN." 21 00:01:16,142 --> 00:01:20,914 AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK 22 00:01:20,980 --> 00:01:22,916 CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT! 23 00:01:22,982 --> 00:01:30,190 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪♪ 24 00:01:30,256 --> 00:01:33,326 >> Stephen: HEY! 25 00:01:33,393 --> 00:01:33,860 HEY! 26 00:01:33,927 --> 00:01:35,562 WHAT A LOVELY PERSON! 27 00:01:35,628 --> 00:01:39,699 THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE. 28 00:01:39,766 --> 00:01:47,207 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) BEAUTIFUL! 29 00:01:47,273 --> 00:01:54,781 HELLO, JON! 30 00:01:54,848 --> 00:01:55,348 PLEASE! 31 00:01:55,415 --> 00:01:57,083 HAVE A SEAT MY FRIENDS. 32 00:01:57,150 --> 00:01:58,351 WELCOME. 33 00:01:58,418 --> 00:01:59,552 WELCOME ONE AT ALL, IN HERE, OUT THERE, AROUND THE WORLD, ALL THE 34 00:01:59,619 --> 00:02:02,622 SHIPS AT SEA, WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW," I'M YOUR SHOWS 35 00:02:02,689 --> 00:02:07,193 STEPHEN COLBERT, AND I AM SO HAPPY -- 36 00:02:07,260 --> 00:02:09,262 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) -- AS ARE YOU. 37 00:02:09,329 --> 00:02:11,197 WHAT A LOVELY EVENING. 38 00:02:11,264 --> 00:02:16,936 SO HAPPY YOU COULD JOIN US TONIGHT FOR A MOMENTOUS DAY IN 39 00:02:17,003 --> 00:02:20,240 HISTORY OF SOME PEOPLE HAVING WAY TOO MUCH MONEY! 40 00:02:20,306 --> 00:02:22,742 ( LAUGHTER ) BECAUSE FOR THE SECOND TIME IN 41 00:02:22,809 --> 00:02:24,377 NINE DAYS, A BILLIONAIRE TOOK A JOY RIDE INTO THE IONSSPHERE. 42 00:02:24,444 --> 00:02:32,185 I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT TONIGHT IN THE SPACE NEWS BEZOS 43 00:02:32,252 --> 00:02:35,722 EDITION! 44 00:02:35,788 --> 00:02:37,557 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) TODAY WAS THE BIG DAY FOR AMAZON 45 00:02:37,624 --> 00:02:39,292 FOUNDER AND TERMINATOR SENT FROM THE FUTURE TO BE YOUR DENTIST, 46 00:02:39,359 --> 00:02:40,493 JEFF BEZOS. 47 00:02:40,560 --> 00:02:42,095 THIS MORNING, BEZOS AND 3 OTHERS WERE SHOT INTO SPACE ON THIS 48 00:02:42,161 --> 00:02:42,929 BLUE ORIGIN ROCKET. 49 00:02:42,996 --> 00:02:47,767 JIM, C'MON, WE CAN'T SHOW THAT ON CBS. 50 00:02:47,834 --> 00:02:49,636 THANK YOU. 51 00:02:49,702 --> 00:02:50,169 THANK YOU. 52 00:02:50,236 --> 00:02:55,642 IT'S A FAMILY SHOW. 53 00:02:55,708 --> 00:02:56,876 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) UNBELIEVABLE. 54 00:02:56,943 --> 00:03:00,046 I GUESS IT'S TRUE WHAT THEY SAY, BILLIONAIRES AND THEIR ROCKETS 55 00:03:00,113 --> 00:03:03,616 END UP LOOKING JUST LIKE EACH OTHER. 56 00:03:03,683 --> 00:03:07,320 ( LAUGHTER ) OKAY. 57 00:03:07,387 --> 00:03:11,324 HERE'S WHAT BEZOS SAID BEFORE THE LAUNCH: 58 00:03:11,391 --> 00:03:12,926 EVERYBODY WHO HAS BEEN TO SPACE, EVERY ASTRONAUT COMES BACK AND 59 00:03:12,992 --> 00:03:22,835 THEY SAY IT CHANGED THEM SOMEHOW. 60 00:03:22,902 --> 00:03:24,404 >> I DON'T KNOW HOW IT'S GOING TO CHANGE ME BUT I KNOW IT'S 61 00:03:24,470 --> 00:03:28,641 GOING TO AND I'M EXCITED TO FIND OUT HOW. 62 00:03:28,708 --> 00:03:32,712 >> Stephen: OKAY, LET'S SEE HOW HE CHANGED. 63 00:03:32,779 --> 00:03:34,314 OH MY GOD! 64 00:03:34,380 --> 00:03:34,847 A COWBOY HAT! 65 00:03:34,914 --> 00:03:37,016 A COWBOY HAT! 66 00:03:37,083 --> 00:03:39,819 SO HE WENT INTO SPACE AND SOMEHOW BECAME EXTRA DIVORCED. 67 00:03:39,886 --> 00:03:44,757 ( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 68 00:03:44,824 --> 00:03:48,861 BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, CHANGE IN IMAGE. 69 00:03:48,928 --> 00:03:52,999 NOW, ALL DAY, THE NEWS NETWORKS COVERED THIS BREATHLESSLY - 70 00:03:53,066 --> 00:03:56,536 THERE WAS A WING CEREMONY, THERE WERE CHALLENGE COINS, IT WAS ALL 71 00:03:56,603 --> 00:03:59,973 BILLED LIKE SOME BIG, OFFICIAL, IMPORTANT THING. 72 00:04:00,039 --> 00:04:01,608 IT IS NOT. 73 00:04:01,674 --> 00:04:02,141 IT'S FUN. 74 00:04:02,208 --> 00:04:05,979 I LOVE SPACE TRAVEL. 75 00:04:06,045 --> 00:04:07,080 GOOD FOR THEM. 76 00:04:07,146 --> 00:04:07,880 BUT IT'S NOT IMPORTANT. 77 00:04:07,947 --> 00:04:10,249 HERE'S HOW I KNOW IT'S NOT IMPORTANT. 78 00:04:10,316 --> 00:04:13,786 I HOSTED THE LAST ONE OF THESE. 79 00:04:13,853 --> 00:04:14,354 ( LAUGHTER ) OKAY. 80 00:04:14,420 --> 00:04:15,588 FOR BRANSON. 81 00:04:15,655 --> 00:04:21,928 LOT OF FUN, BUT TALK SHOW HOSTS DON'T ANCHOR HISTORIC EVENTS. 82 00:04:21,995 --> 00:04:24,430 EXCEPT OF COURSE WHEN ARSENIO HALL INTERVIEWED THE BERLIN 83 00:04:24,497 --> 00:04:25,298 WALL. 84 00:04:25,365 --> 00:04:28,501 ( LAUGHTER ) PLUS, BOTH TIMES, WHEN THEY 85 00:04:28,568 --> 00:04:30,670 LANDED, THE BILLIONAUTS SPRAYED EACH OTHER WITH 86 00:04:30,737 --> 00:04:32,839 CHAMPAGNE, LIKE IT'S THE END OF A YACHT RACE. 87 00:04:32,905 --> 00:04:37,443 IF SOMETHING IS REALLY IMPORTANT, IT DOESN'T NEED A 88 00:04:37,510 --> 00:04:38,578 BIG, WET CELEBRATION. 89 00:04:38,645 --> 00:04:44,150 YOU'LL REMEMBER: BUZZ ALDRIN DIDN'T DOUSE NEIL ARMSTRONG 90 00:04:44,217 --> 00:04:47,120 WITH GATORADE! 91 00:04:47,186 --> 00:04:49,822 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I'M MAKING SOME POINTS TONIGHT. 92 00:04:49,889 --> 00:04:52,859 >> Jon: I SEE WHAT YOU'RE DOING. 93 00:04:52,925 --> 00:04:58,231 >> Stephen: BEZOS WAS SURE TO SPREAD THE THANKS AROUND. 94 00:04:58,297 --> 00:05:01,968 >> I ALSO, WANT TO THANK EVERY AMAZON EMPLOYEE AND EVERY AMAZON 95 00:05:02,035 --> 00:05:02,802 CUSTOMER. 96 00:05:02,869 --> 00:05:06,272 BECAUSE YOU GUYS PAID FOR ALL OF THIS. 97 00:05:06,339 --> 00:05:10,943 SO-- ( AUDIENCE REACTS ) 98 00:05:11,010 --> 00:05:11,611 HA HA! 99 00:05:11,678 --> 00:05:14,113 HA HA! 100 00:05:14,180 --> 00:05:16,149 HA HA! 101 00:05:16,215 --> 00:05:18,217 IT'S FUNNY BECAUSE HE DOESN'T PAY TAXES-- 102 00:05:18,284 --> 00:05:20,153 OR HIS EMPLOYEES. 103 00:05:20,219 --> 00:05:22,789 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) BEZOS TOLD THE CROWD HE BROUGHT 104 00:05:22,855 --> 00:05:26,159 SOME SPECIAL OBJECTS WITH HIM ON HIS FLIGHT. 105 00:05:26,225 --> 00:05:31,364 >> THESE ARE AMELIA EARHART'S GOGGLES, THE ONES SHE FLEW 106 00:05:31,431 --> 00:05:36,436 ACROSS THE ATLANTIC WITH SOLO. 107 00:05:36,502 --> 00:05:37,537 >> STEPHEN: INTERESTING CHOICE FOR A GOOD LUCK CHARM. 108 00:05:37,603 --> 00:05:42,275 (AS BEZOS) ALRIGHT, WE GOT AMELIA EARHART'S 109 00:05:42,341 --> 00:05:48,481 GOGGLES, A CHUNK OF ICEBERG FROM THE TITANIC, AND ABRAHAM 110 00:05:48,548 --> 00:05:50,149 LINCOLN'S PLAYBILL. 111 00:05:50,216 --> 00:05:50,683 LET'S GO. 112 00:05:50,750 --> 00:05:52,785 NO ONE WANTS TO COME? 113 00:05:52,852 --> 00:05:53,386 OKAY. 114 00:05:53,453 --> 00:05:54,554 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 115 00:05:54,620 --> 00:05:56,522 IT'S BEEN A FEW WEEKS SINCE THE 4TH OF JULY, BUT TODAY IN 116 00:05:56,589 --> 00:05:59,726 CONGRESS, WE GOT FIREWORKS. 117 00:05:59,792 --> 00:06:02,161 THANKS TO KENTUCKY SENATOR AND MAN WHO LET THE INVISIBLE HAND 118 00:06:02,228 --> 00:06:06,699 OF THE MARKET CUT HIS HAIR, RAND PAUL. 119 00:06:06,766 --> 00:06:13,139 EARLIER TODAY, PAUL GOT IN A TUSSLE WITH DR ANTHONY FAUCI. 120 00:06:13,206 --> 00:06:14,741 I'M GOING TO SHOW YOU A CLIP, AND YOU DON'T NEED TO UNDERSTAND 121 00:06:14,807 --> 00:06:17,744 WHAT RAND PAUL IS SAYING... 122 00:06:17,810 --> 00:06:19,979 HE CLEARLY DOESN'T. 123 00:06:20,046 --> 00:06:23,983 ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW IS, HE TRIED TO CALL DR FAUCI A LIAR, 124 00:06:24,050 --> 00:06:27,587 AND THE GOOD DOCTOR JACKSLAPPED HIM BACK TO HIS OLD KENTUCKY 125 00:06:27,653 --> 00:06:28,788 HOME. 126 00:06:28,855 --> 00:06:32,425 >> DR FAUCI, KNOWING IT IS A CRIME TO LIE TO CONGRESS, DO YOU 127 00:06:32,492 --> 00:06:35,995 WISH TO RETRACT YOUR STATEMENT OF MAY 11 WHERE YOU CLAIM THAT 128 00:06:36,062 --> 00:06:39,866 THE N.I.H. NEVER FUNDED GAIN OF FUNCTION RESEARCH IN WUHAN? 129 00:06:39,932 --> 00:06:44,003 >> SENATOR PAUL, I HAVE NEVER LIED BEFORE THE CONGRESS AND I 130 00:06:44,070 --> 00:06:48,007 DO NOT RETRACT THAT STATEMENT. 131 00:06:48,074 --> 00:06:51,410 THIS PAPER THAT YOU'RE REFERRING TO WAS JUDGED BY QUALIFIED STAFF 132 00:06:51,477 --> 00:06:58,718 UP AND DOWN THE CHAIN AS NOT BEING GAIN OF FUNCTION. 133 00:06:58,785 --> 00:07:01,821 >> SO YOU'RE SAYING -- >> LET ME FINISH... 134 00:07:01,888 --> 00:07:03,389 >> YOU TAKE AN ANIMAL VIRUS AND YOU INCREASE ITS 135 00:07:03,456 --> 00:07:05,258 TRANSMISSIBILITY TO HUMANS, YOU'RE SAYING THAT'S NOT GAIN OF 136 00:07:05,324 --> 00:07:06,459 FUNCTION? 137 00:07:06,526 --> 00:07:07,593 >> THAT IS CORRECT AND SENATOR PAUL, YOU DO NOT KNOW WHAT YOU 138 00:07:07,660 --> 00:07:11,130 ARE TALKING ABOUT, QUITE FRANKLY. 139 00:07:11,197 --> 00:07:12,131 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AND I WANT TO SAY THAT 140 00:07:12,198 --> 00:07:13,032 OFFICIALLY. 141 00:07:13,099 --> 00:07:14,901 YOU DO NOT KNOW WHAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT. 142 00:07:14,967 --> 00:07:15,434 >> STEPHEN: OKAY. 143 00:07:15,501 --> 00:07:18,304 IT'S TIME TO CALL IT. 144 00:07:18,371 --> 00:07:22,975 TIME OF DEATH 11:41 P.M. 145 00:07:23,042 --> 00:07:27,180 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) PHYSICIAN ON CALL: TONY FAUCI. 146 00:07:27,246 --> 00:07:33,152 CAUSE OF DEATH: TONY FAUCI. 147 00:07:33,219 --> 00:07:35,588 ( LAUGHTER ) OF COURSE, THE ONLY WAY TO STOP 148 00:07:35,655 --> 00:07:42,161 THE VIRUS IS TO GET PEOPLE VACCINATED. 149 00:07:42,228 --> 00:07:44,630 BUT THAT'S QUITE A CHALLENGE, BECAUSE A NEW POLL FOUND THAT 150 00:07:44,697 --> 00:07:49,202 MOST AMERICANS WHO STILL AREN'T VACCINATED SAY NOTHING - NOT 151 00:07:49,268 --> 00:07:50,436 THEIR OWN DOCTOR, OR EVEN PAID TIME OFF - IS LIKELY TO MAKE 152 00:07:50,503 --> 00:07:53,339 THEM GET THE SHOT. 153 00:07:53,406 --> 00:07:57,944 THESE PEOPLE ARE DIE-HARD PRO-DYING. 154 00:07:58,010 --> 00:07:59,445 ( LAUGHTER ) YOU CAN HAVE THEIR COLD DEAD 155 00:07:59,512 --> 00:08:02,849 HANDS WHEN YOU PRY THEM FROM THEIR COLD DEAD WRISTS. 156 00:08:02,915 --> 00:08:06,986 MESSAGING CAMPAIGNS DON'T SEEM TO HELP. 157 00:08:07,053 --> 00:08:10,189 AMONG THE UNVACCINATED, 70% SAID THE ENDORSEMENT OF A CELEBRITY 158 00:08:10,256 --> 00:08:14,093 OR PUBLIC FIGURE THEY LIKE IS NOT AT ALL LIKELY TO GET THEM TO 159 00:08:14,160 --> 00:08:18,164 TAKE A SHOT. 160 00:08:18,231 --> 00:08:21,000 HEY, I'M A CELEBRITY OR PUBLIC FIGURE AND, DAMMIT, I'M STILL 161 00:08:21,067 --> 00:08:22,168 GONNA TRY. 162 00:08:22,235 --> 00:08:25,371 SO TONIGHT I'M ANNOUNCING A PRIZE: UNVACCINATED PEOPLE, IF 163 00:08:25,438 --> 00:08:30,142 YOU GET THE SHOT, YOU WILL WIN UNLIMITED OXYGEN, AND A CHANCE 164 00:08:30,209 --> 00:08:38,117 TO HAVE A PRIVATE DINNER WITH GEORGE CLOONEY, LOOK-ALIKE 165 00:08:38,184 --> 00:08:44,056 DANTE, MY CAMERAMAN. 166 00:08:44,123 --> 00:08:50,062 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) HE'S JUST AS HANDSOME, AND HE 167 00:08:50,129 --> 00:08:53,366 WON'T TALK YOUR EAR OFF ABOUT NESPRESSO. 168 00:08:53,432 --> 00:08:54,700 ( LAUGHTER ) OF COURSE ALL THE ANTI-VAX 169 00:08:54,767 --> 00:08:57,336 PROPAGANDA ON FOX NEWS IS NOT HELPING. 170 00:08:57,403 --> 00:09:00,840 AS ONE FORMER EXECUTIVE SAYS, THE NETWORK HAD CONTRIBUTED 171 00:09:00,907 --> 00:09:04,777 SUBSTANTIALLY AND DIRECTLY TO THE UNNECESSARY DEATHS OF MANY 172 00:09:04,844 --> 00:09:06,345 AMERICANS BY FUELING HESITATION AND DOUBT ABOUT THE SAFETY OF 173 00:09:06,412 --> 00:09:08,114 VACCINES. 174 00:09:08,180 --> 00:09:09,348 NO SURPRISE. 175 00:09:09,415 --> 00:09:10,283 IT'S RIGHT THERE IN FOX NEWS' SLOGAN: 176 00:09:10,349 --> 00:09:11,083 WE REPORT. 177 00:09:11,150 --> 00:09:15,521 YOU JUST DIED. 178 00:09:15,588 --> 00:09:17,924 ( LAUGHTER ) BUT FOX TRIES TO PASS OFF THEIR 179 00:09:17,990 --> 00:09:22,094 ANTI-VAX SEGMENTS AS BEING ABOUT FREEDOM. 180 00:09:22,161 --> 00:09:25,731 TAKE, FOX FRIEND AND CONTESTANT ON "JEOPARDY" REALIZING HE 181 00:09:25,798 --> 00:09:29,835 SPELLED HIS OWN NAME WRONG, BRIAN KILMEADE. 182 00:09:29,902 --> 00:09:33,539 ON MONDAY, KILMEADE DEFENDED UNVACCINATED PEOPLE WHO WANTED 183 00:09:33,606 --> 00:09:39,545 TO DEFY MASK MANDATES: >> IF YOU DIDN'T GET A 184 00:09:39,612 --> 00:09:43,582 VACCINATION, THAT'S YOUR CHOICE. 185 00:09:43,649 --> 00:09:45,551 BUT IF YOU DID, LIKE I DID AND THEY DID AND MAYBE YOU DID, THEN 186 00:09:45,618 --> 00:09:47,553 YOU SHOULD NOT WEAR A MASK. 187 00:09:47,620 --> 00:09:49,789 AND IF YOU DID AND YOU WANT TO GO CLIFF DIVING THIS WEEKEND, 188 00:09:49,855 --> 00:09:50,923 YOU DON'T HAVE TO CHECK WITH ME. 189 00:09:50,990 --> 00:09:52,591 IT SEEMS A LITTLE DANGEROUS, BUT I'M NOT GONNA JUDGE YOU. 190 00:09:52,658 --> 00:09:54,927 AND IF YOU GO AHEAD AND PUT YOURSELF IN DANGER, IF YOU FEEL 191 00:09:54,994 --> 00:09:58,597 AS THOUGH THIS IS NOT SOMETHING FOR YOU, DON'T DO IT, BUT DON'T 192 00:09:58,664 --> 00:10:01,000 AFFECT MY LIFE. 193 00:10:01,067 --> 00:10:02,601 >> 99% OF THE PEOPLE DYING FROM COVID ARE UNVACCINATED. 194 00:10:02,668 --> 00:10:08,541 >> THAT'S THEIR CHOICE. 195 00:10:08,607 --> 00:10:12,979 ( LAUGHTER ) >> STEPHEN: SO THE BROWN-HAIRED 196 00:10:13,045 --> 00:10:15,114 GUY BELIEVES THAT BEING UNVACCINATED AND MASKLESS IS THE 197 00:10:15,181 --> 00:10:18,551 SAME AS BEING A THRILLSEEKER WHO JUMPS OFF CLIFFS. 198 00:10:18,617 --> 00:10:23,522 THAT ANALOGY DOES WORK, IF YOU FIRST STRAP THAT CLIFF-JUMPER TO 199 00:10:23,589 --> 00:10:27,460 A GROUP OF OLD PEOPLE. 200 00:10:27,526 --> 00:10:29,729 ( LAUGHTER ) WHAT'S THAT? 201 00:10:29,795 --> 00:10:30,963 OH, DEAR GOD. 202 00:10:31,030 --> 00:10:31,831 FOLKS, I HAVE TO INTERRUPT TO THE MONOLOGUE, BECAUSE WE HAVE A 203 00:10:31,897 --> 00:10:37,770 BREAKING TACO ALERT. 204 00:10:37,837 --> 00:10:38,604 ♪♪ WHY DOES THIS ALWAYS HAPPEN ON 205 00:10:38,671 --> 00:10:40,973 TUESDAYS? 206 00:10:41,040 --> 00:10:44,176 ( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 207 00:10:44,243 --> 00:10:46,045 DOES THAT MATH WORK OUT? 208 00:10:46,112 --> 00:10:48,047 >> Jon: YEAH, IT'S TUESDAY. 209 00:10:48,114 --> 00:10:51,484 >> Stephen: TOAD'S TEWS? 210 00:10:51,550 --> 00:10:52,551 ACCORDING TO HIGHLY-PLACED SOURCES ON THE INTERNET, TACO 211 00:10:52,618 --> 00:10:55,254 BELL'S MENU HAS BEEN HIT BY NATIONWIDE SHORTAGES OF 212 00:10:55,321 --> 00:10:57,823 INGREDIENTS. 213 00:10:57,890 --> 00:11:02,094 WOW, I HAD NO IDEA TACO BELL HAD INGREDIENTS. 214 00:11:02,161 --> 00:11:06,198 ( LAUGHTER ) I THOUGHT IT WAS JUST EXTRUDED. 215 00:11:06,265 --> 00:11:08,267 ( LAUGHTER ) THE BELL APOLOGIZED FOR THE 216 00:11:08,334 --> 00:11:11,604 SCARCITIES ON THEIR WEBSITE, BUT THAT FELL ON DEAF EARS, AS 217 00:11:11,670 --> 00:11:13,706 CUSTOMERS TOOK TO THE INTERNET WITH COMPLAINTS LIKE 218 00:11:13,773 --> 00:11:16,275 FOR ANYONE CRAVING TACO BELL TONIGHT, I'LL SAVE YOU THE 219 00:11:16,342 --> 00:11:20,279 DRIVE, THEY DON'T HAVE CHICKEN OR BEEF, AND NONE OF THE TACOS 220 00:11:20,346 --> 00:11:22,214 HAD LETTUCE OR TOMATO ON THEM. 221 00:11:22,281 --> 00:11:24,850 I WENT BACK THROUGH THE DRIVE THROUGH AND ASKED ABOUT IT AND 222 00:11:24,917 --> 00:11:26,285 THEY SAID THEY ARE PRETTY MUCH OUT OF ANYTHING THAT COMES 223 00:11:26,352 --> 00:11:31,157 FRESH. 224 00:11:31,223 --> 00:11:32,324 ( AUDIENCE REACTS ) OOH, THAT'S TOO BAD. 225 00:11:32,391 --> 00:11:34,493 BECAUSE WHEN YOU WANT FRESH LETTUCE, YOU HEAD STRAIGHT TO 226 00:11:34,560 --> 00:11:37,396 YOUR NEAREST TACO BELL. 227 00:11:37,463 --> 00:11:40,466 ( LAUGHTER ) JUST LIKE WHEN WE WANT SUSHI, 228 00:11:40,533 --> 00:11:44,303 EVIE AND I MAKE A BEELINE FOR OUR LOCAL WALGREENS. 229 00:11:44,370 --> 00:11:46,372 ( LAUGHTER ) BUT IF YOU'RE CRAVING A TASTE OF 230 00:11:46,439 --> 00:11:48,641 THE 'BELL, DON'T WORRY. 231 00:11:48,707 --> 00:11:49,775 BECAUSE THEY'RE INTRODUCING A WHOLE NEW MENU WITH THEIR 232 00:11:49,842 --> 00:11:50,276 LIMITED SUPPLY. 233 00:11:50,342 --> 00:11:52,978 JIM? 234 00:11:53,045 --> 00:11:55,014 ♪♪ >> GET YOUR MOUTH READY FOR TACO 235 00:11:55,081 --> 00:11:58,217 BELL'S NEW LOCO SHORTAGE SUPREME MENU. 236 00:11:58,284 --> 00:12:05,291 STARTING WITH THE GRANDE SOUR CREAM LUPA, OUR SIGNATURE SOFT 237 00:12:05,357 --> 00:12:07,693 TORTILLA STUFFED WITH TWELVE ZEST AT THIS DOLLOPS OF PLAIN 238 00:12:07,760 --> 00:12:08,861 CREAM. 239 00:12:08,928 --> 00:12:13,365 YOU'LL SAY GIVE MELESS OF OUR BRAND-NEW QUADRUPLE DRAWNCH 240 00:12:13,432 --> 00:12:18,204 TACO, A CRISPY SHELL INSIDE A CRISPY SHELL INSIDE ANOTHER 241 00:12:18,270 --> 00:12:24,944 CRISPY SHELL STUFFED IN A DELICIOUS CRISPY SHELL AND 242 00:12:25,010 --> 00:12:27,313 FILLED WITH NAPKINS! 243 00:12:27,379 --> 00:12:29,381 WANT TO TAKE IT UP A NACHO? 244 00:12:29,448 --> 00:12:36,722 WE'VE GOT A HOT, SAVORY BURRITO LAYERED WITH WHATEVER WAS IN 245 00:12:36,789 --> 00:12:37,890 DEB'S CAR! 246 00:12:37,957 --> 00:12:42,094 TODAY IT'S COUGH DROPS AND A HANDFUL OF GOLDFISH CRACKERS, 247 00:12:42,161 --> 00:12:45,431 BECAUSE IT'S DEB'S WEEKEND WITH BRYSON! 248 00:12:45,498 --> 00:12:46,632 STILL HUNGRY? 249 00:12:46,699 --> 00:12:53,139 BLAZE YOUR TASTE BUDS WITH THE NOT-CHIHUAHUA GORDITA WHICH IS 250 00:12:53,205 --> 00:12:56,675 NOT MADE FROM THE CHIHUAHUA THAT USED TO BE OUR MASCOT. 251 00:12:56,742 --> 00:12:59,512 NO, WE DON'T KNOW WHERE HE WENT. 252 00:12:59,578 --> 00:13:00,713 STOP ASKING! 253 00:13:00,779 --> 00:13:06,118 TACO BELL, IT'S 2:00 A.M., WHERE ELSE ARE YOU GONNA GO? 254 00:13:06,185 --> 00:13:08,487 ( BELL SOUNDED ) >> Stephen: WE'VE GOT A GREAT 255 00:13:08,554 --> 00:13:11,557 SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT! 256 00:13:11,624 --> 00:13:12,892 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) MY GUEST IS JASON SUDEIKIS. 257 00:13:12,958 --> 00:13:16,562 BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, I HELP RESCUE SOME RESCUE DOGS. 258 00:13:16,629 --> 00:13:17,496 ♪♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 259 00:13:43,289 --> 00:13:53,999 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪♪ 260 00:13:54,066 --> 00:13:58,504 >> Stephen: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, "BRING IT ON HOME" 261 00:13:58,571 --> 00:14:03,375 WITH JON BATISTE AND "STAY HUMAN"! 262 00:14:03,442 --> 00:14:05,544 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THERE YOU GO! 263 00:14:05,611 --> 00:14:10,316 >> Jon: YEAH! 264 00:14:10,382 --> 00:14:14,453 >> Stephen: FOLKS -- UNBELIEVABLE. 265 00:14:14,520 --> 00:14:22,261 ♪ IF YOU EVER CHANGE YOUR MIND ♪ >> Stephen: WELCOME BACK, 266 00:14:22,328 --> 00:14:23,295 EVERYBODY. 267 00:14:23,362 --> 00:14:27,099 FOLKS, IF YOU KNOW ME, YOU KNOW THAT I LOVE DOGS. 268 00:14:27,166 --> 00:14:29,101 I SEE A LOT OF MYSELF IN THEM. 269 00:14:29,168 --> 00:14:30,603 I'M LOYAL, KIND, AND I WILL DO ANYTHING FOR A PIECE OF BACON. 270 00:14:30,669 --> 00:14:34,540 AND THAT AFFINITY FOR DOGS IS WHY I LOVE DOING MY SEGMENT: 271 00:14:34,607 --> 00:14:39,378 RESCUE DOG RESCUE, WHERE WE HELP FIND HOMES FOR REAL RESCUE 272 00:14:39,445 --> 00:14:41,347 PUPPIES. 273 00:14:41,413 --> 00:14:43,382 I'M PROUD TO SAY THAT SO FAR WE HAVE A PERFECT RECORD OF 274 00:14:43,449 --> 00:14:50,389 EVERY SINGLE DOG WE'VE EVER FEATURED GETTING ADOPTED. 275 00:14:50,456 --> 00:14:52,625 AFTER THEIR APPEARANCE ON THIS SHOW. 276 00:14:52,691 --> 00:14:54,426 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) IT'S FAR MORE SUCCESSFUL THAN 277 00:14:54,493 --> 00:14:58,397 OUR OTHER SEGMENT, ANYBODY WANT A VULTURE? 278 00:14:58,464 --> 00:15:01,834 ( LAUGHTER ) NOW, THROUGHOUT THE PANDEMIC, 279 00:15:01,900 --> 00:15:04,069 THERE WAS A SURGE IN PEOPLE ADOPTING PETS. 280 00:15:04,136 --> 00:15:05,304 BUT AS MORE PEOPLE HEAD BACK TO WORK, SHELTERS ARE FILLING UP 281 00:15:05,371 --> 00:15:06,438 AGAIN. 282 00:15:06,505 --> 00:15:08,641 WHICH MEANS IT'S TIME FOR ANOTHER EDITION OF RESCUE DOG 283 00:15:08,707 --> 00:15:11,710 RESCUE. 284 00:15:11,777 --> 00:15:17,283 ♪♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 285 00:15:17,349 --> 00:15:18,884 HEY, EVERYBODY! 286 00:15:18,951 --> 00:15:24,256 WELCOME TO ANOTHER EDITION OF RESCUE DOG RESCUE. 287 00:15:24,323 --> 00:15:25,524 HERE'S HOW SHE WORKS: WE'RE ABOUT TO SHOW YOU SOME ADORABLE 288 00:15:25,591 --> 00:15:28,627 PUPPIES THAT ARE ACTUALLY UP FOR ADOPTION THROUGH THE NORTH SHORE 289 00:15:28,694 --> 00:15:32,031 ANIMAL LEAGUE AMERICA. 290 00:15:32,097 --> 00:15:34,633 AND TO MAKE SURE THESE DOGS FIND A HOME, WE HAVE MADE UP 291 00:15:34,700 --> 00:15:36,602 FLATTERING LIES ABOUT THEM TO MAKE YOU WANT TO ADOPT THEM EVEN 292 00:15:36,669 --> 00:15:39,171 MORE. 293 00:15:39,238 --> 00:15:41,006 NOW, IF ONLY THERE WERE SOME CELEBRITY WILLING TO TAKE ON THE 294 00:15:41,073 --> 00:15:48,614 CHALLENGE OF FINDING THESE DOGS FOOD AND SHELTER. 295 00:15:48,681 --> 00:15:58,657 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> I'M SORRY, BUT DID SOMEBODY 296 00:15:58,724 --> 00:16:06,298 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> I'M SORRY, BUT DID SOMEBODY 297 00:16:06,365 --> 00:16:12,204 SAY CELEBRITIES EATING DOG FOOD CHALLENGE? 298 00:16:12,271 --> 00:16:16,542 >> Stephen: JASON SUDEIKIS, NO, I DID NOT SAY THAT. 299 00:16:16,608 --> 00:16:17,476 >> OH THAT'S TOO BAD. 300 00:16:17,543 --> 00:16:18,544 ALWAYS WONDERED WHAT THAT WOULD TASTE LIKE. 301 00:16:18,610 --> 00:16:19,812 SEE YA AROUND. 302 00:16:19,878 --> 00:16:20,979 >> STEPHEN: WAIT JASON SUDEIKIS WHILE YOU'RE HERE, WOULD YOU BE 303 00:16:21,046 --> 00:16:24,583 WILLING TO HELP ME GET DOGS ADOPTED BY TELLING SOME LIES? 304 00:16:24,650 --> 00:16:32,591 >> NOPE. 305 00:16:32,658 --> 00:16:34,793 THAT WAS MY FIRST LIE. 306 00:16:34,860 --> 00:16:38,263 >> Stephen: OH, HE'S GOOD! 307 00:16:38,330 --> 00:16:39,932 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> ALL RIGHT, LET'S DO THIS DOG 308 00:16:39,998 --> 00:16:46,038 AND PONY SHOW -- HOLD THE PONIES! 309 00:16:46,105 --> 00:16:46,872 >> Stephen: ALL RIGHT. 310 00:16:46,939 --> 00:16:52,077 FIRST UP, THIS IS GORDON. 311 00:16:52,144 --> 00:16:53,312 ( AUDIENCE REACTS ) GORDON IS SO SMART THAT HE 312 00:16:53,379 --> 00:16:54,680 RECENTLY WON THE JEOPARDY TOURNAMENT OF CHAMPIONS. 313 00:16:54,747 --> 00:16:57,683 EVEN BETTER, IN THE FINAL ROUND, THE ANSWER WAS GORDON, AND THE 314 00:16:57,750 --> 00:17:01,653 QUESTION WAS WHO'S A GOOD LITTLE BOY? 315 00:17:01,720 --> 00:17:04,556 THAT'S RIGHT, YOU ARE! 316 00:17:04,623 --> 00:17:05,357 >> ALL RIGHT. 317 00:17:05,424 --> 00:17:06,258 OH, BOY. 318 00:17:06,325 --> 00:17:06,992 I GOT YOU. 319 00:17:07,059 --> 00:17:07,693 IT'S OKAY. 320 00:17:07,760 --> 00:17:08,660 IT'S OKAY. 321 00:17:08,727 --> 00:17:12,598 IT'S ALL RIGHT. 322 00:17:12,664 --> 00:17:16,602 EASY. 323 00:17:16,668 --> 00:17:17,803 EASY. 324 00:17:17,870 --> 00:17:18,971 NEXT UP, THIS IS SCRUFFS. 325 00:17:19,037 --> 00:17:20,239 SCRUFFS IS ACTUALLY A GIFTED PSYCHIC BUT WILL ONLY TELL YOU 326 00:17:20,305 --> 00:17:22,274 'GOOD' THINGS THAT ARE GOING TO HAPPEN TO YOU AND NOTHING ABOUT 327 00:17:22,341 --> 00:17:23,442 YOUR NEXT BOYFRIEND TRAVIS. 328 00:17:23,509 --> 00:17:31,417 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 329 00:17:31,483 --> 00:17:34,386 >> STEPHEN: THIS IS BARTLEBY. 330 00:17:34,453 --> 00:17:36,522 ( AUDIENCE REACTS ) SHE INVENTED THE ADD 30 SECONDS 331 00:17:36,588 --> 00:17:42,694 BUTTON ON THE MICROWAVE AND IS NOW A MULTIBILLIONAIRE. 332 00:17:42,761 --> 00:17:48,467 ADOPT HER AND YOU'LL GET A TASTE OF THE BACK END EVERY TIME 333 00:17:48,534 --> 00:17:51,069 SOMEONE DEFROSTS A BURRITO. 334 00:17:51,136 --> 00:17:53,539 ALL RIGHT, CALM DOWN, FELLAS. 335 00:17:53,605 --> 00:17:56,175 CALM DOWN. 336 00:17:56,241 --> 00:17:57,276 ( APPLAUSE ) >> WE'RE BOTH NERVOUS. 337 00:17:57,342 --> 00:17:59,578 IT'S ALL RIGHT. 338 00:17:59,645 --> 00:18:00,479 IT'S ALL RIGHT. 339 00:18:00,546 --> 00:18:05,284 >> THIS HERE IS TED LASSIE. 340 00:18:05,350 --> 00:18:06,485 ( LAUGHTER ) >> YEAH, YEAH. 341 00:18:06,552 --> 00:18:07,920 YOU GET IT, RIGHT? 342 00:18:07,986 --> 00:18:09,054 >> Stephen: YES. 343 00:18:09,121 --> 00:18:18,197 HE IS A RARE BREED KNOWN WORLDWIDE AS A POOVER, WHICH IS 344 00:18:18,263 --> 00:18:20,065 A COMBINATION POODLE AND HOOVER. 345 00:18:20,132 --> 00:18:22,668 SO WHEN SHE DRAGS HER BUTT ON THE CARPET, IT ACTUALLY GETS 346 00:18:22,734 --> 00:18:23,769 CLEANER. 347 00:18:23,836 --> 00:18:24,903 ( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY. 348 00:18:24,970 --> 00:18:29,341 SAY HI TO PEBBLES. 349 00:18:29,408 --> 00:18:31,810 ( AUDIENCE REACTS ) SHE'S A VERY AFFECTIONATE PUP. 350 00:18:31,877 --> 00:18:36,181 ALSO, DUE TO A CLERICAL ERROR AT THE VATICAN, PEBBLES IS 351 00:18:36,248 --> 00:18:37,049 TECHNICALLY A CATHOLIC SAINT. 352 00:18:37,115 --> 00:18:40,219 ( LAUGHTER ) DOES THAT MEAN YOU'LL GO TO 353 00:18:40,285 --> 00:18:41,286 HEAVEN? 354 00:18:41,353 --> 00:18:44,523 ADOPT HER AND FIND OUT OR DON'T AND ROLL THE BONES. 355 00:18:44,590 --> 00:18:45,457 ( LAUGHTER ) >> ALL RIGHT. 356 00:18:45,524 --> 00:18:47,326 COME HERE. 357 00:18:47,392 --> 00:18:48,427 OH, BOY! 358 00:18:48,494 --> 00:18:49,061 IT'S OKAY. 359 00:18:49,127 --> 00:18:50,095 COME ON. 360 00:18:50,162 --> 00:18:51,363 COME ON. 361 00:18:51,430 --> 00:18:54,500 >> THERE RIGHT HERE -- YEAH, I'M WITH YOU. 362 00:18:54,566 --> 00:18:56,468 THIS IS STARLA. 363 00:18:56,535 --> 00:19:00,506 STARLA ONCE SAW DAVID SCHWIMMER BUY ONE OF THOSE BIG PRETZELS AT 364 00:19:00,572 --> 00:19:02,774 AN AIRPORT. 365 00:19:02,841 --> 00:19:04,510 BETTER YET, SHE KNOWS IT'S NOT A GOOD STORY AND NEVER BRINGS IT 366 00:19:04,576 --> 00:19:08,547 UP. 367 00:19:08,614 --> 00:19:11,984 ( APPLAUSE ) >> STEPHEN: THIS IS SENATOR 368 00:19:12,050 --> 00:19:14,019 RUFFKINS. 369 00:19:14,086 --> 00:19:15,921 HE IS AN ACTUAL U.S. SENATOR. 370 00:19:15,988 --> 00:19:18,490 BUT IN THESE DIVIDED TIMES, SENATOR RUFFKINS DOESN'T SEE RED 371 00:19:18,557 --> 00:19:22,394 STATES OR BLUE STATES. 372 00:19:22,461 --> 00:19:27,232 HE SEES ONLY GREY STATES BECAUSE HE IS A DOG. 373 00:19:27,299 --> 00:19:28,467 ( LAUGHTER ) >> YEP. 374 00:19:28,534 --> 00:19:28,967 ALL RIGHT. 375 00:19:29,034 --> 00:19:30,502 HERE YOU GO, BUDDY. 376 00:19:30,569 --> 00:19:32,070 YES! 377 00:19:32,137 --> 00:19:33,472 >> Stephen: OH, LORD. 378 00:19:33,539 --> 00:19:42,514 COME ON. 379 00:19:42,581 --> 00:19:50,255 >> THIS IS DR. BRUCE GOLDFARB. 380 00:19:50,322 --> 00:19:52,090 HE'S A PHYSICIAN WHO GRADUATED TOP OF HIS CLASS AT HARVARD 381 00:19:52,157 --> 00:19:53,158 MEDICAL. 382 00:19:53,225 --> 00:19:54,493 HE HAS A PERFECT RECORD OF CURING ALL THE PATIENTS HE 383 00:19:54,560 --> 00:19:55,694 MEETS. 384 00:19:55,761 --> 00:19:56,528 I'M SORRY, I MISREAD THAT: OF EATING ALL HIS PATIENT'S CURED 385 00:19:56,595 --> 00:19:59,131 MEATS. 386 00:19:59,197 --> 00:20:00,165 SORRY ABOUT THAT. 387 00:20:00,232 --> 00:20:03,735 SORRY, DOCTOR. 388 00:20:03,802 --> 00:20:08,473 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> STEPHEN: MEET JANGLES. 389 00:20:08,540 --> 00:20:10,475 SHE DOESN'T UNDERSTAND THE PREMISE OF THIS BIT AND THINKS 390 00:20:10,542 --> 00:20:12,511 IT'S A CUTTHROAT REALITY COMPETITION CALLED THE BEST 391 00:20:12,578 --> 00:20:15,714 BITCH. 392 00:20:15,781 --> 00:20:18,517 ( LAUGHTER ) WE'VE EXPLAINED IT TO HER MANY 393 00:20:18,584 --> 00:20:20,819 TIMES BUT SHE KEEPS SAYING SHE'S NOT HERE TO MAKE FRIENDS AND 394 00:20:20,886 --> 00:20:25,857 THESE OTHER DOGS GOTTA GO. 395 00:20:25,924 --> 00:20:26,325 >> YEP. 396 00:20:26,391 --> 00:20:27,292 YEAH, THAT'S TRUE. 397 00:20:27,359 --> 00:20:30,829 >> Stephen: WELL, THAT DOES IT FOR THE RESCUE. 398 00:20:30,896 --> 00:20:33,665 HEAD TO THE LATE SHOW'S WEBSITE: COLBERTLATESHOW.COM 399 00:20:33,732 --> 00:20:36,335 FOR INFO ON HOW TO ADOPT THESE DOGS FROM NORTH SHORE ANIMAL 400 00:20:36,401 --> 00:20:37,202 LEAGUE AMERICA. 401 00:20:37,269 --> 00:20:39,371 I'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH JASON SUDEIKIS. 402 00:20:49,648 --> 00:20:57,055 ♪♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 403 00:20:57,122 --> 00:21:01,193 >> Stephen: HEY, WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY! 404 00:21:01,259 --> 00:21:05,831 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, YOU ARE IN 405 00:21:05,897 --> 00:21:08,400 FOR A REAL TREAT. 406 00:21:08,467 --> 00:21:13,171 REAL TREAT THIS EVENING. 407 00:21:13,238 --> 00:21:15,307 MY GUEST TONIGHT IS A PEABODY AWARD WINNING ACTOR YOU KNOW 408 00:21:15,374 --> 00:21:16,441 FROM "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE," "HORRIBLE BOSSES," AND "TED 409 00:21:16,508 --> 00:21:20,379 LASSO." 410 00:21:20,445 --> 00:21:24,349 >> SOSORRY. 411 00:21:24,416 --> 00:21:26,618 NO, NO NEED TO APOLOGIZE. 412 00:21:26,685 --> 00:21:27,386 DANNY, WHAT HAPPENED BETWEEN YOU AND EARL, THAT WASN'T YOUR 413 00:21:27,452 --> 00:21:28,520 FAULT. 414 00:21:28,587 --> 00:21:32,357 YOU SUFFERED AN UNLIKELY AND TRAGIC COINCIDENCE, NOT TOO 415 00:21:32,424 --> 00:21:38,263 DISSIMILAR FROM THE SCENES OF PAUL ANDERSON'S 1999 MAGNOLIA. 416 00:21:38,330 --> 00:21:40,298 >> THE LITTLE PONY TAIL. 417 00:21:40,365 --> 00:21:41,733 NO, THAT'S THE LAST SAMURAI. 418 00:21:41,800 --> 00:21:46,004 YOU GOT A LITTLE PONY TAIL. 419 00:21:46,071 --> 00:21:48,874 MY APOLOGIZE. 420 00:21:48,940 --> 00:21:53,011 TOM CRUISE WAS ROCKING A PONY TAIL IN BOTH FILMS. 421 00:21:53,078 --> 00:21:55,247 POINT, IS A TRAGIC OCCURRENCE, ONE TIME THING. 422 00:21:55,313 --> 00:21:59,084 SO LET'S GET AWAY FROM THE BAD MOJO COMING OFF THE PENALTY BOX 423 00:21:59,151 --> 00:22:02,688 AND HAVE FUN. 424 00:22:02,754 --> 00:22:03,622 >> YEAH. 425 00:22:03,689 --> 00:22:08,427 LINE UP FOR MIDNIGHT PUTINE! 426 00:22:08,493 --> 00:22:10,028 >> Stephen: PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW," JASON 427 00:22:10,095 --> 00:22:10,729 SUDEIKIS! 428 00:22:10,796 --> 00:22:20,772 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪♪ 429 00:22:20,839 --> 00:22:32,184 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪♪ 430 00:22:32,250 --> 00:22:35,854 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> REAL HUMAN BEINGS. 431 00:22:35,921 --> 00:22:37,923 >> Stephen: YEAH, HUMANS. 432 00:22:37,989 --> 00:22:38,390 ISN'T THAT NICE? 433 00:22:38,457 --> 00:22:39,591 >> I MEAN, IT IS. 434 00:22:39,658 --> 00:22:46,231 >> Stephen: THE LAST TIME YOU AND I SPOKE ON THIS SHOW OTHER 435 00:22:46,298 --> 00:22:51,136 THAN THE PUPPY BRIGADE WAS AUGUST OR SOMETHING OF 2020. 436 00:22:51,203 --> 00:22:52,137 >> YEAH. 437 00:22:52,204 --> 00:22:54,639 >> Stephen: AND, OF COURSE, IT WAS OVER THE ZOOM. 438 00:22:54,706 --> 00:22:55,373 >> YEP. 439 00:22:55,440 --> 00:22:55,874 >> Stephen: THIS IS MUCH BETTER. 440 00:22:55,941 --> 00:22:56,608 >> MUCH BETTER. 441 00:22:56,675 --> 00:22:58,744 >> Stephen: THIS IS MUCH BETTER. 442 00:22:58,810 --> 00:23:03,181 I'VE GOT TO SAY, YOU'VE MADE A LITTLE -- YOU'VE MADE A NAME FOR 443 00:23:03,248 --> 00:23:08,120 YOURSELF BY WEARING CHEERFUL TOPS. 444 00:23:08,186 --> 00:23:11,189 BECAUSE THE DPONLD GLOBES, WHERE WERE THE GLOBES WHEN YOU WORE 445 00:23:11,256 --> 00:23:17,996 THE BUCKET HAT AND THE HOODIE, THE TIE DYE HOODIE. 446 00:23:18,063 --> 00:23:18,663 >> THE GOLDEN GLOBES. 447 00:23:18,730 --> 00:23:20,899 IT WAS ANOTHER ZOOM ENDEAVOR. 448 00:23:20,966 --> 00:23:23,168 I'M TAKING OVER FOR BRUCE AND HIS CHEERFUL TOPS. 449 00:23:23,235 --> 00:23:25,070 >> Stephen: GOOD LUCK. 450 00:23:25,137 --> 00:23:27,773 GET READY TO GOOGLE IT. 451 00:23:27,839 --> 00:23:28,874 THEY KNOW. 452 00:23:28,940 --> 00:23:30,041 EVERYBODY KNOWS. 453 00:23:30,108 --> 00:23:34,112 BUT, I MEAN, YOU KNOW, IT WAS 2:30, 3:30 IN THE MORNING, I 454 00:23:34,179 --> 00:23:37,849 DIDN'T JUST WANT TO WEAR A SUIT IN MY LIVING ROOM. 455 00:23:37,916 --> 00:23:40,152 >> Stephen: NO, YOU WERE VISUALLY HAPPY TO LOOK AT. 456 00:23:40,218 --> 00:23:41,219 >> THANK YOU. 457 00:23:41,286 --> 00:23:44,156 >> Stephen: I WAS SAYING BACKSTAGE A LITTLE DANGEROUS 458 00:23:44,222 --> 00:23:48,460 BECAUSE THE URGE TO PUNCH YOU IN THE SOLAR PLEXUS IS HARD TO 459 00:23:48,527 --> 00:23:49,227 RESIST. 460 00:23:49,294 --> 00:23:52,631 >> YOU DON'T WEAR THIS TO ARCHERY. 461 00:23:52,697 --> 00:23:53,465 NO. 462 00:23:53,532 --> 00:23:54,366 ( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: WELL, I THINK 463 00:23:54,432 --> 00:23:59,971 SINCE LAST WE SPOKE, WHAT IF WE GOT HERE. 464 00:24:00,038 --> 00:24:06,378 YOU'VE GOT THE PEABD, THE GOBBLED GLOBE, THE SAG AWARD. 465 00:24:06,444 --> 00:24:07,512 >> YEP. 466 00:24:07,579 --> 00:24:09,581 >> Stephen: BEFORE THIS YOU WERE JASON SUDEIKIS, FAMOUS 467 00:24:09,648 --> 00:24:10,515 FUNNY GUY ALL RIGHT. 468 00:24:10,582 --> 00:24:12,384 HOW DOES IT FEEL TO GET ALL THIS RECOGNITION? 469 00:24:12,450 --> 00:24:14,786 >> IT'S LOVELY BECAUSE IT'S ALL -- YOU KNOW, BECAUSE OF 470 00:24:14,853 --> 00:24:15,954 PEOPLE RESPONDING TO THE SHOW. 471 00:24:16,021 --> 00:24:17,656 >> Stephen: AND IT'S YOUR BABY. 472 00:24:17,722 --> 00:24:19,925 THE SHOW WAS YOUR GOOD DWRD. 473 00:24:19,991 --> 00:24:21,126 >> I MEAN, SURE, SURE. 474 00:24:21,193 --> 00:24:24,996 BUT, YOU KNOW, LIKE ANY BABY, YOU KNOW, IT TAKES A VILLAGE, 475 00:24:25,063 --> 00:24:25,564 RIGHT? 476 00:24:25,630 --> 00:24:27,165 >> Stephen: RIGHT, SURE. 477 00:24:27,232 --> 00:24:30,569 BUT CONGRATS YOURSELF ON WINNING A PEABODY. 478 00:24:30,635 --> 00:24:33,471 >> Stephen: OH, THANKS VERY MUCH. 479 00:24:33,538 --> 00:24:34,673 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AND I DID ALL OF IT. 480 00:24:34,739 --> 00:24:36,041 I DID ALL OF IT. 481 00:24:36,107 --> 00:24:42,948 >> YOU KINDLY TEXTED ME THE DAY WE WON AND YOU GUYS WON AND YOU 482 00:24:43,014 --> 00:24:46,151 WERE HELPFUL AND REMINDS ME IT'S ONE TO HAVE THE BEST AWARDS 483 00:24:46,218 --> 00:24:47,152 BECAUSE IT'S FOR EVERYONE. 484 00:24:47,219 --> 00:24:50,989 >> Stephen: LITERALLY EVERYONE GETS IT. 485 00:24:51,056 --> 00:24:54,292 THE PEABODYS GET IT, THEY KNOW EVERYBODY ON THE SHOW IS 486 00:24:54,359 --> 00:24:55,460 RESPONSIBLE. 487 00:24:55,527 --> 00:25:00,232 >> AND YOU AND I COME FROM A SIMILAR BACKGROUND, SKETCH AND 488 00:25:00,298 --> 00:25:01,166 IMPROV. 489 00:25:01,233 --> 00:25:04,669 WE'RE NOT HUMOROUS, ERMA MOMBECK OR STANDUPS. 490 00:25:04,736 --> 00:25:15,247 SO THE FACT THE SHOW IS ABOUT AN ENSIEN-- ENSEMBLE AND THE WHOLE 491 00:25:15,313 --> 00:25:16,248 WINS. 492 00:25:16,314 --> 00:25:21,453 AND THE EMMY NOMINATIONS -- >> Stephen: 20 EMMY 493 00:25:21,519 --> 00:25:22,520 NOMINATIONS. 494 00:25:22,587 --> 00:25:25,657 THAT GOES TO EVERYBODY ELSE ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 495 00:25:25,724 --> 00:25:28,560 >> OUR WRITERS, ACTORS AND PEOPLE IN POST-PRODUCTION HAVE 496 00:25:28,627 --> 00:25:33,632 BEEN HONORED, SO IT'S NICE BEING ME PERSONALLY OR YOU WITH OUR 497 00:25:33,698 --> 00:25:37,068 NAMES ON THE MARQUEE. 498 00:25:37,135 --> 00:25:44,643 WE'RE LIKE THE DISCO BALL THE LIGHT SHINES ON AND THAT SPINS 499 00:25:44,709 --> 00:25:47,178 OFF IN DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS AND PEOPLE GET TO DANCE. 500 00:25:47,245 --> 00:25:51,182 >> Stephen: LIKE ME, YOU SPEND A LOT OF TIME CLUBBING. 501 00:25:51,249 --> 00:25:52,117 >> THAT'S RIGHT. 502 00:25:52,183 --> 00:25:54,085 I RARELY HAVE A PACIFIER OUT OF THIS MOUTH. 503 00:25:54,152 --> 00:25:56,821 ( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: YOU WORE A VERY 504 00:25:56,888 --> 00:26:00,258 INTERESTING T-SHIRT TO THE SEASON 2 PREMIERE AND GOT A LOT 505 00:26:00,325 --> 00:26:01,459 OF ATTENTION. 506 00:26:01,526 --> 00:26:02,527 >> SURE. 507 00:26:02,594 --> 00:26:03,995 >> Stephen: FOR THOSE WHO MAY NOT KNOW, WHAT IS THE 508 00:26:04,062 --> 00:26:06,998 SIGNIFICANCE OF THE NAMES ON YOUR T-SHIRT. 509 00:26:07,065 --> 00:26:10,101 >> THEY'RE THREE OF THE ENGLISH FOOT BALLERS FROM THEIR NATIONAL 510 00:26:10,168 --> 00:26:13,838 TEAM, THE LAST THREE YOUNG FULL LAS THAT TOOK THE PENALTY KICKS. 511 00:26:13,905 --> 00:26:16,007 THEY DIDN'T TURN OUT THE WAY THAT CERTAINLY ENGLAND WOULD 512 00:26:16,074 --> 00:26:19,177 HAVE HOPED, CERTAINLY A LOT OF US HERE IN THE STATES WOULD 513 00:26:19,244 --> 00:26:22,714 HAVE, TOO, AND WORLDWIDE AND THEY CAUGHT A LOT OF GULF 514 00:26:22,781 --> 00:26:28,520 ONLINE, THE THREE YOUNG BLACK MEN, AND OUR SHOW IS ROOTED IN 515 00:26:28,586 --> 00:26:31,523 DESPISING THINGS LIKE RACISM AND WHATNOT BUT IT'S ROOTED AND 516 00:26:31,589 --> 00:26:36,127 TAKES PLACE IN LONDON AND ENGLAND AND IT WAS OUR WAY TO 517 00:26:36,194 --> 00:26:40,298 USE THIS BIG FANCY PREMIERE TO SPOTLIGHT THEM AND LET THEM KNOW 518 00:26:40,365 --> 00:26:43,168 WE HAVE THEIR BACK AND HOW MUCH WE SUPPORT THEM. 519 00:26:43,234 --> 00:26:53,645 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I DON'T MIND TAKING CLAPS FOR 520 00:26:53,712 --> 00:26:55,380 THE SHOW, THAT'S NOTHING. 521 00:26:55,447 --> 00:26:58,717 BUT WHAT THEY HAVE GONE THROUGH, MARCUS, WHAT HE DID LEADING UP 522 00:26:58,783 --> 00:27:03,855 TO THE PANDEMIC AND HELPING FEED KIDS WHO WEREN'T GETTING LUNCHES 523 00:27:03,922 --> 00:27:06,157 BECAUSE THEY WEREN'T GOING TO SCHOOL. 524 00:27:06,224 --> 00:27:08,960 I'M JUST WEARING THE SHIRT. 525 00:27:09,027 --> 00:27:12,364 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AND IT WAS JUST A WAY TO 526 00:27:12,430 --> 00:27:16,234 HUMANIZE AND PERSONIFY THOSE THREE FELLAS, AND IT'S WHY I 527 00:27:16,301 --> 00:27:20,772 CHOSE TO USE -- YOU KNOW, THEIR SUR NAMES ARE ON THE BACK OF 528 00:27:20,839 --> 00:27:24,376 THEIR UNIFORMS, SO THAT'S WHY I USE THE NAMES THE PARENTS GAVE 529 00:27:24,442 --> 00:27:27,145 THEM BECAUSE THEY'RE KIDS AND YOUNG MEN AND SHOULD HAVE THE 530 00:27:27,212 --> 00:27:32,217 OPPORTUNITY TO SUCCEED AND FAIL AND TIE LIKE EVERYONE. 531 00:27:32,283 --> 00:27:37,188 >> Stephen: I UNDERSTAND TED LASSO THE CHARACTER IS BASED ON, 532 00:27:37,255 --> 00:27:40,792 IN PART, ON A HIGH SCHOOL BASKETBALL COACH THAT YOU HAD? 533 00:27:40,859 --> 00:27:41,559 >> SURE, YEAH YEAH,, YEAH. 534 00:27:41,626 --> 00:27:43,495 >> Stephen: DONNY CAMPBELL. 535 00:27:43,561 --> 00:27:46,898 DONNY CAMPBELL WAS MY HIGH SCHOOL BASKETBALL COACH. 536 00:27:46,965 --> 00:27:49,901 >> Stephen: THAT'S ALSO A GOOD NAME FOR A COACH. 537 00:27:49,968 --> 00:27:52,237 >> AND HE WAS A GOOD COACH. 538 00:27:52,303 --> 00:27:54,639 HE'S FROM KANSAS, STILL ALIVE. 539 00:27:54,706 --> 00:27:57,776 ( LAUGHTER ) AND HE'S A ONE OF THE DUDES THAT 540 00:27:57,842 --> 00:28:02,380 SPOKE IN MAXIMS, LITTLE SAYINGS. 541 00:28:02,447 --> 00:28:06,885 HE WAS A BIG SOUTHERN GUY AND YOUNG, HE WAS 31 YEARS OLD WHEN 542 00:28:06,951 --> 00:28:12,557 HE WAS HEAD COACH AND HE WOULD SAY THINGS LIKE, SUDEIKIS, YOU 543 00:28:12,624 --> 00:28:16,961 LOOK MORE NERVOUS THAN A LONG-TAILED CAT IN A ROOM FULL 544 00:28:17,028 --> 00:28:18,596 OF ROCKING CHAIRS! 545 00:28:18,663 --> 00:28:21,599 A LITTLE DEEPER VOICE. 546 00:28:21,666 --> 00:28:24,936 AND JOHN WOODEN THE U.C.L.A. 547 00:28:25,003 --> 00:28:29,407 BASKETBALL COACH HAS A GREAT IDEA OF WORKING WITH PEOPLE. 548 00:28:29,474 --> 00:28:33,311 SO BIG UPS TO DONNY CAMPBELL FOR NOT BEING TOO HARD ON ME WHEN I 549 00:28:33,378 --> 00:28:34,913 DIDN'T DO MY HOMEWORK. 550 00:28:34,979 --> 00:28:36,548 >> Stephen: JASON, WE HAVE TO TAKE A QUICK BREAK. 551 00:28:36,614 --> 00:28:40,485 DON'T GO ANYWHERE BECAUSE I'M GOING TO ASK JASON WHAT HE WOULD 552 00:28:40,552 --> 00:28:43,655 DO IF NOT THIS, THE PATH NOT TAKEN, IF YOU WILL. 553 00:28:50,862 --> 00:28:55,467 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY! 554 00:28:55,533 --> 00:28:58,036 WE'RE HERE! 555 00:28:58,103 --> 00:29:03,508 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WE'RE HERE WITH THE STAR OF TED 556 00:29:03,575 --> 00:29:06,911 LASSO, SIR JASON SUDEIKIS! 557 00:29:06,978 --> 00:29:08,813 NOW, SPORTS ARE VERY IMPORTANT TO YOU. 558 00:29:08,880 --> 00:29:10,014 YOU LOVE THE BASKETBALL. 559 00:29:10,081 --> 00:29:15,153 HERE IS YOU PLAYING A LITTLE BASEBALL THROWING OUT THE FIRST 560 00:29:15,220 --> 00:29:17,755 PITCH AT THE CUBS-CARDINALS GAME. 561 00:29:17,822 --> 00:29:20,558 THAT'S A REAL CLASSIC RIGHT THERE. 562 00:29:20,625 --> 00:29:21,526 >> YEAH. 563 00:29:21,593 --> 00:29:25,363 >> Stephen: WITH THE KIDS, WITH OTIS AND DAISY. 564 00:29:25,430 --> 00:29:26,498 >> MY MANAGER AND AGENT. 565 00:29:26,564 --> 00:29:28,933 >> Stephen: WHAT'S YOUR SPORT TO BE A FAN OF? 566 00:29:29,000 --> 00:29:31,469 WHAT DO YOU ENJOY THE MOST? 567 00:29:31,536 --> 00:29:32,704 >> PROBABLY BASKETBALL. 568 00:29:32,770 --> 00:29:35,273 WHEN I WAS GROWING UP FOOTBALL WAS A WAR METAPHOR, AND BASEBALL 569 00:29:35,340 --> 00:29:39,043 FEELS LIKE A WORK METAPHOR -- NINE DIFFERENT JOBS, DIFFERENT 570 00:29:39,110 --> 00:29:40,912 CUBECALS AND FAR AWAY FROM EACH OTHER. 571 00:29:40,979 --> 00:29:43,581 >> Stephen: IT TAKES EIGHT HOURS TO PLAY ONE GAME. 572 00:29:43,648 --> 00:29:44,449 >> YEAH, EXACTLY. 573 00:29:44,516 --> 00:29:45,617 ALL THAT. 574 00:29:45,683 --> 00:29:48,887 AND, SO, BASKETBALL WAS LIKE THIS BEAUTIFUL GAME THAT, YOU 575 00:29:48,953 --> 00:29:52,023 KNOW, IT JUST WAS FIVE PEOPLE WORKING TOGETHER AND SUBBING IN 576 00:29:52,090 --> 00:29:55,560 AND OUT AND GETTING TIRED AND HELPING FOLKS OUT. 577 00:29:55,627 --> 00:30:00,265 AND FOOTBALL -- SOCCER, I SHOULD SAY, AS WE CALL IT HERE -- I 578 00:30:00,331 --> 00:30:01,833 FOUND THAT BALANCE. 579 00:30:01,900 --> 00:30:04,802 I'M NOWHERE NEAR AS GOOD AT IT. 580 00:30:04,869 --> 00:30:07,539 MY THUMBS KNOW THE SPORT BETTER THAN MY SOUL. 581 00:30:07,605 --> 00:30:08,540 >> Stephen: SURE. 582 00:30:08,606 --> 00:30:10,909 I THINK IT'S GOT TO BE BASKETBALL OR MAYBE EVEN A 583 00:30:10,975 --> 00:30:12,210 LITTLE BIT OF SOCCER, AT LEAST -- 584 00:30:12,277 --> 00:30:15,513 >> Stephen: WHICH IS OFTEN CALLED FOOT BASKETBALL. 585 00:30:15,580 --> 00:30:16,581 >> EXACTLY RIGHT. 586 00:30:16,648 --> 00:30:18,716 >> Stephen: BASIC, SAME IDEA, RIGHT? 587 00:30:18,783 --> 00:30:20,051 >> SAME IDEA. 588 00:30:20,118 --> 00:30:23,388 AND HOCKEY, I CAN'T EVEN MAKE ICE MUCH LESS SKATE ON IT. 589 00:30:23,454 --> 00:30:24,088 >> Stephen: SURE. 590 00:30:24,155 --> 00:30:25,990 YOU HAVE TO PLAY WITHOUT A BALL. 591 00:30:26,057 --> 00:30:26,858 >> WITHOUT A BALL. 592 00:30:26,925 --> 00:30:29,561 YOU HAVE A PUCK AND A STICK IN YOUR HAND. 593 00:30:29,627 --> 00:30:30,828 GOOD LORD, CHOOSE ONE. 594 00:30:30,895 --> 00:30:37,802 TOO MATOO MANY METAPHORS. 595 00:30:37,869 --> 00:30:40,605 >> Stephen: WHAT ABOUT BOXING? 596 00:30:40,672 --> 00:30:42,006 WHAT DO YOU WANT TO KNOW? 597 00:30:42,073 --> 00:30:44,075 >> Stephen: DO YOU HAVE AN OLYMPIC SPORT? 598 00:30:44,142 --> 00:30:47,478 I HAVE ONE I WANT TO BE FOCUSING ON. 599 00:30:47,545 --> 00:30:48,446 >> WHY? 600 00:30:48,513 --> 00:30:50,515 >> Stephen: I'M NOT SURE I COULD TELL YOU WHY. 601 00:30:50,582 --> 00:30:54,953 BUT, LISTEN, I ASK THE QUESTIONS HERE, WE'LL GET TO ME IN A 602 00:30:55,019 --> 00:30:55,987 SECOND. 603 00:30:56,054 --> 00:30:57,855 DON'T GET ME WRONG, MY ANSWER WILL BE FASCINATING. 604 00:30:57,922 --> 00:31:00,491 >> I KNOW IT'S WRESTLING. 605 00:31:00,558 --> 00:31:03,061 >> Stephen: ARE YOU A WINTER OR SUMMER OLYMPICS GUY? 606 00:31:03,127 --> 00:31:03,928 >> I THINK SUMMER. 607 00:31:03,995 --> 00:31:05,496 >> Stephen: GOOD. 608 00:31:05,563 --> 00:31:06,631 THANK YOU. 609 00:31:06,698 --> 00:31:11,769 >> I DID A FILM ABOUT JESSE OWENS A FEW YEARS AGO AND I 610 00:31:11,836 --> 00:31:12,837 THINK -- YEAH, JUST BETTER. 611 00:31:12,904 --> 00:31:15,139 YOU HAVE TO BUY LESS CRAP, YOU KNOW. 612 00:31:15,206 --> 00:31:16,774 YOU RUN, YOU JUMP. 613 00:31:16,841 --> 00:31:19,777 >> Stephen: WHAT'S THE EVENT THAT YOU MOST WANT TO WATCH IN 614 00:31:19,844 --> 00:31:20,578 THE SUMMER GAMES? 615 00:31:20,645 --> 00:31:22,614 >> I MEAN, I DO LOVE TRACK AND FIELD. 616 00:31:22,680 --> 00:31:24,515 I LO LOVE TRACK AND FIELD. 617 00:31:24,582 --> 00:31:25,383 >> Stephen: YES, SIR. 618 00:31:25,450 --> 00:31:28,786 I'M BUMMED WE DON'T HAVE OUR FULL SQUAD. 619 00:31:28,853 --> 00:31:32,423 >> Stephen: ME, TOO. 620 00:31:32,490 --> 00:31:34,926 I DON'T UNDERSTAND. 621 00:31:34,993 --> 00:31:43,268 POT IS NOT A HORMONE INDUCING DRUG. 622 00:31:43,334 --> 00:31:45,136 >> AS LATE NIGHT SHOW ENHANCING DRUG, THOUGH. 623 00:31:45,203 --> 00:31:46,838 >> Stephen: YES, SO I HEAR. 624 00:31:46,904 --> 00:31:48,039 YEAH, YEAH. 625 00:31:48,106 --> 00:31:51,609 >> Stephen: I TELL YOU WHY I LIKE TRACK AND FIELD IS BECAUSE 626 00:31:51,676 --> 00:31:52,810 YOU KNOW WHO WON. 627 00:31:52,877 --> 00:31:56,547 NO ONE HAS TO TELL YOU WHAT THE JUDGES SAY. 628 00:31:56,614 --> 00:32:01,919 WHO WENT THE FASTER, JUMPED THE HIGHEST, THREW THE THING THE 629 00:32:01,986 --> 00:32:03,955 LONGEST. 630 00:32:04,022 --> 00:32:08,026 >> NO SUBJECTIVITY. 631 00:32:08,092 --> 00:32:11,496 >> Stephen: THE OUTFIT DOESN'T HELP. 632 00:32:11,562 --> 00:32:12,397 >> YEAH. 633 00:32:12,463 --> 00:32:13,898 ( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: BEFORE YOUR "SNL" 634 00:32:13,965 --> 00:32:16,801 CAREER, YOU AUDITIONED FOR BLUE MAN? 635 00:32:16,868 --> 00:32:17,602 >> YES. 636 00:32:17,669 --> 00:32:23,908 >> Stephen: BEFORE OR AFTER ST"SNL"? 637 00:32:23,975 --> 00:32:27,378 >> MICHAEL JORDAN PLAYED BASKETBALL, WHY COULDN'T I BE A 638 00:32:27,445 --> 00:32:28,680 BLUE MAN? 639 00:32:28,746 --> 00:32:31,783 >> Stephen: YOU WOULD BE A BETTER BLUE MAN THAN HE WAS AT 640 00:32:31,849 --> 00:32:32,984 BASEBALL. 641 00:32:33,051 --> 00:32:34,619 >> WHEN I WAS DOING SECOND CITY IN LAS VEGAS, I FELL IN LOVE 642 00:32:34,686 --> 00:32:36,821 WITH THE SHOW. 643 00:32:36,888 --> 00:32:39,424 MADE A LOT OF FRIENDS WITH THE PEOPLE WORKING THERE AND I WENT 644 00:32:39,490 --> 00:32:42,627 TO SEE IT AND I THOUGHT, I WANT TO DO THAT. 645 00:32:42,694 --> 00:32:44,762 SO I LEARNED THE DRUMMING PARTS. 646 00:32:44,829 --> 00:32:46,497 >> Stephen: WHAT'S THE AUDITION. 647 00:32:46,564 --> 00:32:50,401 DO YOU HAVE TO PAINT YOURSELF BLUE? 648 00:32:50,468 --> 00:32:53,371 >> FIRST IT'S SINGLE AND TRIPLETS AND STUFF. 649 00:32:53,438 --> 00:32:59,977 I USED TO DRIVE EVERYONE CRAZY PRACTICING BETWEEN SHOWS. 650 00:33:00,044 --> 00:33:03,381 WE GOT FLOWN OUT HERE IN AUGUST 2001. 651 00:33:03,448 --> 00:33:06,050 I MADE IT THROUGH THE FIRST THREE DAYS, AND THE LAST THREE 652 00:33:06,117 --> 00:33:12,190 DAYS I GOT THE CHANCE TO GET BALD AND BLUE. 653 00:33:12,256 --> 00:33:19,697 >> Stephen: AND THE UNITARD. 654 00:33:19,764 --> 00:33:24,769 TO SEE MY FACE COVERED IN COMPLETELY ONE COLOR WAS 655 00:33:24,836 --> 00:33:28,172 HUMBLING BECAUSE ALL THE GUYS THAT I WAS FRIENDS WITH HAD 656 00:33:28,239 --> 00:33:32,143 GREAT MODEL FACES THAT I DIDN'T REALIZE HOW MUCH I NEEDED 657 00:33:32,210 --> 00:33:33,277 EYEBROWS AND HAIR. 658 00:33:33,344 --> 00:33:35,780 >> Stephen: TO DISTINGUISH ONE PART OF YOUR FACE THAN THE 659 00:33:35,847 --> 00:33:36,881 OTHER? 660 00:33:36,948 --> 00:33:41,986 >> I LOOKED LIKE A BLUE DODGE BALL, LIKE A PEANUT M&M. 661 00:33:42,053 --> 00:33:46,691 I LOOKED AT IT AND I WAS LIKE, OH, ( BLEEP ) THIS GIG. 662 00:33:46,758 --> 00:33:49,160 LIKE, I'M NOT GOING TO DO THIS, NO WAY. 663 00:33:49,227 --> 00:33:52,864 I DON'T BELONG HERE, I LOOK HORRIBLE, AND I WASN'T A GOOD 664 00:33:52,930 --> 00:33:54,031 ENOUGH DRUMMER. 665 00:33:54,098 --> 00:33:56,768 IT'S LIKE NOT KNOWING YOUR LINES IN AUDITION. 666 00:33:56,834 --> 00:33:58,469 AND I REMEMBER SWEATING BLUE. 667 00:33:58,536 --> 00:34:03,808 JUST DROPPING ON THE DRUM, MAKING LITTLE ACCENT NOTES, 668 00:34:03,875 --> 00:34:08,813 DING, DING, DING, LIKE SWEAT COMING OFF MY KNOWS. 669 00:34:08,880 --> 00:34:11,215 NO, I LOOKED LIKE A BUTT. 670 00:34:11,282 --> 00:34:12,350 IT WAS HORRIBLE. 671 00:34:12,417 --> 00:34:13,885 >> Stephen: NOW AFTER THE SUCCESS OF TED LASSO, YOU CAN 672 00:34:13,951 --> 00:34:15,820 GET IN LIKE THAT. 673 00:34:15,887 --> 00:34:16,521 >> YEAH. 674 00:34:16,587 --> 00:34:17,722 I CAN HOT SHOT MY WAY IN THERE. 675 00:34:17,789 --> 00:34:18,890 >> Stephen: GOOD LUCK. 676 00:34:18,956 --> 00:34:19,657 APPRECIATE IT. 677 00:34:19,724 --> 00:34:22,293 >> Stephen: GOOD TO SEE YOU AGAIN. 678 00:34:22,360 --> 00:34:25,229 PLEASE COME BY MORE OFTEN. 679 00:34:25,296 --> 00:34:26,431 >> ALWAYS. 680 00:34:26,497 --> 00:34:26,731 >> STEPHEN: SEASON 2 OF "TED LASSO" PREMIERES FRIDAY ON APPLE 681 00:34:26,798 --> 00:34:27,665 TV PLUS. 682 00:34:27,732 --> 00:34:29,700 JASON SUDEIKIS, EVERYBODY. 683 00:34:29,767 --> 00:34:32,937 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH A PERFORMANCE BY YOLA. 684 00:34:33,004 --> 00:34:33,671 ♪♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 685 00:34:56,727 --> 00:34:57,195 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> 99% OF THE PEOPLE WHO ARE 686 00:34:58,396 --> 00:35:01,299 DYING FROM COVID ARE UNVACCINATED. 687 00:35:01,365 --> 00:35:02,300 >> THAT'S THEIR CHOICE. 688 00:35:02,366 --> 00:35:04,402 EY DON'T WANT TO DIE. 689 00:35:04,469 --> 00:35:06,737 SO THEY ARE -- THE ADMINISTRATION AND THE 690 00:35:06,804 --> 00:35:11,175 GOVERNMENT IS SAYING WE NEED THE MASK MANDATE TO PROTECT THE 691 00:35:11,242 --> 00:35:11,742 UNVACCINATED. 692 00:35:11,809 --> 00:35:12,577 >> THAT'S NOT THEIR JOB! 693 00:35:12,643 --> 00:35:14,745 IT'S NOT THEIR JOB TO PROTECT ANYBODY! 694 00:35:14,812 --> 00:35:19,016 >> FOLKS, MASKS AND VACCINES, GOVERNMENT OVERREACH, KILLING 695 00:35:19,083 --> 00:35:22,320 YOU IF YOU AS MUCH AS SNEEZE THAT'S GOVERNMENT DOING ITS JOB. 696 00:35:22,386 --> 00:35:23,988 HERE COMES SOME FREEDOM, GUYS! 697 00:35:35,366 --> 00:35:38,135 >> STEPHEN: PERFORMING THE TITLE TRACK FROM HER NEW ALBUM, "STAND 698 00:35:38,202 --> 00:35:45,510 FOR MYSELF," WITH JON BATISTE, YOLA. 699 00:35:45,576 --> 00:35:49,514 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪ ♪ ♪ 700 00:35:49,580 --> 00:36:00,024 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ 701 00:36:00,091 --> 00:36:02,527 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ I UNDERSTAND WHY YOU 702 00:36:02,593 --> 00:36:08,399 CLOSE YOUR EYES ♪ WHY YOU DEAF YOUR EARS 703 00:36:08,466 --> 00:36:16,007 OH I REALIZE NOW ♪ YOU WANNA FEEL NOTHING 704 00:36:16,073 --> 00:36:20,378 JUST LIKE I WAS ♪ A COWARD IN THE SHADOWS 705 00:36:20,444 --> 00:36:30,421 NO VIEW FROM ABOVE ♪ NOW I'M ALIVE 706 00:36:30,488 --> 00:36:36,360 NO VIEW FROM ABOVE ♪ NOW I'M ALIVE 707 00:36:36,427 --> 00:36:44,368 IT'S HARD TO EXPLAIN ♪ IT TOOK THIS MUCH TIME 708 00:36:44,435 --> 00:36:48,372 AND TOOK THIS MUCH PAIN ♪ YOU CAN GET HERE 709 00:36:48,439 --> 00:36:52,476 IF YOU'RE WILLING ♪ LET GO OF YOURSELF 710 00:36:52,543 --> 00:37:04,388 FOR A NEW BEGINNING ♪ IT WAS EASIER TO SIT, 711 00:37:04,455 --> 00:37:10,494 THAN STAND FOR MYSELF ♪ IT WAS EASY TO GIVE IN, 712 00:37:10,561 --> 00:37:20,538 THAN STAND FOR MYSELF ♪ I KNOW WHY YOU HIDE AWAY 713 00:37:20,605 --> 00:37:26,911 THAN STAND FOR MYSELF ♪ I KNOW WHY YOU HIDE AWAY 714 00:37:32,450 --> 00:37:40,324 WHY YOU KEEP SO QUIET ♪ MIND WHAT YOU SAY NOW 715 00:37:40,391 --> 00:37:44,362 YOU THINK YOU'RE TOO MUCH ♪ TOO HOT TO HANDLE 716 00:37:44,428 --> 00:37:52,370 YOU'RE STRONGER THAN ANYONE ♪ BUT STILL SO FRAGILE 717 00:37:52,436 --> 00:38:03,047 ♪ IT WAS EASIER TO SING, THAN STAND FOR MYSELF 718 00:38:03,114 --> 00:38:10,488 ♪ IT WAS EASY TO GIVE IN, THAN STAND FOR MYSELF 719 00:38:10,554 --> 00:38:16,327 ♪ IT WAS HARD ENOUGH TO GO AND LIVE ON 720 00:38:16,394 --> 00:38:20,364 ♪ I WAS SO TIRED TRYING TO BELONG 721 00:38:20,431 --> 00:38:27,571 ♪ I WAS LOST IN THE CITY YOU COULD SEE IT IN MY EYES 722 00:38:27,638 --> 00:38:34,478 ♪ BUT I WAS STILL A DREAMER IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT 723 00:38:34,545 --> 00:38:39,684 ♪ NOW I'M A-LIVE, ALIVE I'M ALIVE 724 00:38:39,750 --> 00:38:42,987 ♪ I USED TO BE NOTHING LIKE YOU I USED TO FEEL NOTHING LIKE YOU 725 00:38:43,054 --> 00:38:44,388 ♪ NOW I'M A-LIVE, ALIVE I'M ALIVE 726 00:38:44,455 --> 00:38:51,729 ♪ I USED TO BE NOTHING LIKE YOU I USED TO FEEL NOTHING LIKE YOU 727 00:38:51,796 --> 00:38:54,165 ♪ NOW I'M ALIVE, ALIVE I'M ALIVE 728 00:38:54,231 --> 00:38:58,502 ♪ I USED TO BE NOTHING LIKE YOU I USED TO FEEL NOTHING LIKE YOU 729 00:38:58,569 --> 00:39:03,674 ♪ NOW I'M ALIVE, ALIVE I'M ALIVE! OOH YEAH! 730 00:39:03,741 --> 00:39:08,345 ♪ OOH OOH OOH COO COO 731 00:39:08,412 --> 00:39:16,387 ♪ OOH COO COO OOH COO COO 732 00:39:16,454 --> 00:39:20,324 ♪ OOH COO COO ♪ OOH COO COO 733 00:39:20,391 --> 00:39:25,463 OOH COO COO ♪ OOH COO COO 734 00:39:25,529 --> 00:39:29,133 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ 735 00:39:29,200 --> 00:39:39,176 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ 736 00:39:39,243 --> 00:39:46,517 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ 737 00:39:46,584 --> 00:39:49,587 ♪ ♪ ♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 738 00:39:58,062 --> 00:40:02,533 >> STEPHEN: HER ALBUM, STAND FOR MYSELF, IS OUT JULY 30. 739 00:40:02,600 --> 00:40:05,336 YOLA, EVERYBODY WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK. 740 00:40:05,402 --> 00:40:05,836 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 741 00:40:16,814 --> 00:40:17,948 >> STEPHEN: THAT'S IT FOR THE LATE SHOW. 742 00:40:18,015 --> 00:40:18,916 TUNE IN TOMORROW WHEN MY GUESTS WILL BE EMILY BLUNT AND BOB 743 00:40:18,983 --> 00:40:19,583 COSTAS. 744 00:40:19,650 --> 00:40:22,653 GOODNIGHT. 745 00:40:22,720 --> 00:40:27,958 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪♪ 746 00:40:28,025 --> 00:40:31,262 >> Stephen: NOW IF ONLY THERE WERE SOME CELEBRITY WILLING TO 747 00:40:31,328 --> 00:40:35,266 TAKE ON THE CHALLENGE OF FINDING THESE DOGS FOOD AND SHELTER. 748 00:40:35,332 --> 00:40:37,168 ( LAUGHTER ) IT'S A PUSH. 749 00:40:37,234 --> 00:40:41,038 ( LAUGHTER ) >> LITTLE SIGN WOULD HELP.