A NEW STUDY IN JOURNAL OF EXPERIMENTAL BIOLOGY --
>> INTRODUCING BILLY, THE METH-ADDICTED BASS.
FUN FOR THE WHOLE FAMILY.
HE'S A TALKING FISH WHO ALSO HAS A VICIOUS METH ADDICTION!
>> ALL MY TEETH FELL OUT!
WATCH, EVERY TIME YOU COME NEAR, HE STRUGGLES TO LIFE AND
SAYS ONE OF HIS TRADEMARK PHRASES.
>> I'M COVERED IN SPIDERS!
GET 'EM OFF ME!
GET 'EM OFF!
>> HE ALSO MAKES A GREAT GIFT!
AS SOON AS YOU PEOPLE FALL ASLEEP, I'M GOING TO SELL YOUR
TV!
>> SO WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?
PICK UP BILLY THE METH-ADDICTED BASS TODAY!
>> FOR 20 BUCKS, I'LL GIVE YOU A FIN JOB!
>> Announcer: IT'S "THE LATE SHOW" WITH STEPHEN COLBERT!
TONIGHT, STEPHEN WELCOMES JASON SUDEIKIS!
AND MUSICAL GUEST YOLA, FEATURING JON BATISTE AND "STAY
HUMAN."
AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK
CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪♪
>> Stephen: HEY!
HEY!
WHAT A LOVELY PERSON!
THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) BEAUTIFUL!
HELLO, JON!
PLEASE!
HAVE A SEAT MY FRIENDS.
WELCOME.
WELCOME ONE AT ALL, IN HERE, OUT THERE, AROUND THE WORLD, ALL THE
SHIPS AT SEA, WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW," I'M YOUR SHOWS
STEPHEN COLBERT, AND I AM SO HAPPY --
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) -- AS ARE YOU.
WHAT A LOVELY EVENING.
SO HAPPY YOU COULD JOIN US TONIGHT FOR A MOMENTOUS DAY IN
HISTORY OF SOME PEOPLE HAVING WAY TOO MUCH MONEY!
( LAUGHTER ) BECAUSE FOR THE SECOND TIME IN
NINE DAYS, A BILLIONAIRE TOOK A JOY RIDE INTO THE IONSSPHERE.
I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT TONIGHT IN THE SPACE NEWS BEZOS
EDITION!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) TODAY WAS THE BIG DAY FOR AMAZON
FOUNDER AND TERMINATOR SENT FROM THE FUTURE TO BE YOUR DENTIST,
JEFF BEZOS.
THIS MORNING, BEZOS AND 3 OTHERS WERE SHOT INTO SPACE ON THIS
BLUE ORIGIN ROCKET.
JIM, C'MON, WE CAN'T SHOW THAT ON CBS.
THANK YOU.
IT'S A FAMILY SHOW.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) UNBELIEVABLE.
I GUESS IT'S TRUE WHAT THEY SAY, BILLIONAIRES AND THEIR ROCKETS
END UP LOOKING JUST LIKE EACH OTHER.
( LAUGHTER ) OKAY.
HERE'S WHAT BEZOS SAID BEFORE THE LAUNCH:
EVERYBODY WHO HAS BEEN TO SPACE, EVERY ASTRONAUT COMES BACK AND
THEY SAY IT CHANGED THEM SOMEHOW.
>> I DON'T KNOW HOW IT'S GOING TO CHANGE ME BUT I KNOW IT'S
GOING TO AND I'M EXCITED TO FIND OUT HOW.
>> Stephen: OKAY, LET'S SEE HOW HE CHANGED.
OH MY GOD!
A COWBOY HAT!
SO HE WENT INTO SPACE AND SOMEHOW BECAME EXTRA DIVORCED.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, CHANGE IN IMAGE.
NOW, ALL DAY, THE NEWS NETWORKS COVERED THIS BREATHLESSLY -
THERE WAS A WING CEREMONY, THERE WERE CHALLENGE COINS, IT WAS ALL
BILLED LIKE SOME BIG, OFFICIAL, IMPORTANT THING.
IT IS NOT.
IT'S FUN.
I LOVE SPACE TRAVEL.
GOOD FOR THEM.
BUT IT'S NOT IMPORTANT.
HERE'S HOW I KNOW IT'S NOT IMPORTANT.
I HOSTED THE LAST ONE OF THESE.
( LAUGHTER ) OKAY.
FOR BRANSON.
LOT OF FUN, BUT TALK SHOW HOSTS DON'T ANCHOR HISTORIC EVENTS.
EXCEPT OF COURSE WHEN ARSENIO HALL INTERVIEWED THE BERLIN
WALL.
( LAUGHTER ) PLUS, BOTH TIMES, WHEN THEY
LANDED, THE BILLIONAUTS SPRAYED EACH OTHER WITH
CHAMPAGNE, LIKE IT'S THE END OF A YACHT RACE.
IF SOMETHING IS REALLY IMPORTANT, IT DOESN'T NEED A
BIG, WET CELEBRATION.
YOU'LL REMEMBER: BUZZ ALDRIN DIDN'T DOUSE NEIL ARMSTRONG
WITH GATORADE!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I'M MAKING SOME POINTS TONIGHT.
>> Jon: I SEE WHAT YOU'RE DOING.
>> Stephen: BEZOS WAS SURE TO SPREAD THE THANKS AROUND.
>> I ALSO, WANT TO THANK EVERY AMAZON EMPLOYEE AND EVERY AMAZON
CUSTOMER.
BECAUSE YOU GUYS PAID FOR ALL OF THIS.
SO-- ( AUDIENCE REACTS )
HA HA!
IT'S FUNNY BECAUSE HE DOESN'T PAY TAXES--
OR HIS EMPLOYEES.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) BEZOS TOLD THE CROWD HE BROUGHT
SOME SPECIAL OBJECTS WITH HIM ON HIS FLIGHT.
>> THESE ARE AMELIA EARHART'S GOGGLES, THE ONES SHE FLEW
ACROSS THE ATLANTIC WITH SOLO.
>> STEPHEN: INTERESTING CHOICE FOR A GOOD LUCK CHARM.
(AS BEZOS) ALRIGHT, WE GOT AMELIA EARHART'S
GOGGLES, A CHUNK OF ICEBERG FROM THE TITANIC, AND ABRAHAM
LINCOLN'S PLAYBILL.
LET'S GO.
NO ONE WANTS TO COME?
OKAY.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
IT'S BEEN A FEW WEEKS SINCE THE 4TH OF JULY, BUT TODAY IN
CONGRESS, WE GOT FIREWORKS.
THANKS TO KENTUCKY SENATOR AND MAN WHO LET THE INVISIBLE HAND
OF THE MARKET CUT HIS HAIR, RAND PAUL.
EARLIER TODAY, PAUL GOT IN A TUSSLE WITH DR ANTHONY FAUCI.
I'M GOING TO SHOW YOU A CLIP, AND YOU DON'T NEED TO UNDERSTAND
WHAT RAND PAUL IS SAYING...
HE CLEARLY DOESN'T.
ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW IS, HE TRIED TO CALL DR FAUCI A LIAR,
AND THE GOOD DOCTOR JACKSLAPPED HIM BACK TO HIS OLD KENTUCKY
HOME.
>> DR FAUCI, KNOWING IT IS A CRIME TO LIE TO CONGRESS, DO YOU
WISH TO RETRACT YOUR STATEMENT OF MAY 11 WHERE YOU CLAIM THAT
THE N.I.H. NEVER FUNDED GAIN OF FUNCTION RESEARCH IN WUHAN?
>> SENATOR PAUL, I HAVE NEVER LIED BEFORE THE CONGRESS AND I
DO NOT RETRACT THAT STATEMENT.
THIS PAPER THAT YOU'RE REFERRING TO WAS JUDGED BY QUALIFIED STAFF
UP AND DOWN THE CHAIN AS NOT BEING GAIN OF FUNCTION.
>> SO YOU'RE SAYING -- >> LET ME FINISH...
>> YOU TAKE AN ANIMAL VIRUS AND YOU INCREASE ITS
TRANSMISSIBILITY TO HUMANS, YOU'RE SAYING THAT'S NOT GAIN OF
FUNCTION?
>> THAT IS CORRECT AND SENATOR PAUL, YOU DO NOT KNOW WHAT YOU
ARE TALKING ABOUT, QUITE FRANKLY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AND I WANT TO SAY THAT
OFFICIALLY.
YOU DO NOT KNOW WHAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT.
>> STEPHEN: OKAY.
IT'S TIME TO CALL IT.
TIME OF DEATH 11:41 P.M.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) PHYSICIAN ON CALL: TONY FAUCI.
CAUSE OF DEATH: TONY FAUCI.
( LAUGHTER ) OF COURSE, THE ONLY WAY TO STOP
THE VIRUS IS TO GET PEOPLE VACCINATED.
BUT THAT'S QUITE A CHALLENGE, BECAUSE A NEW POLL FOUND THAT
MOST AMERICANS WHO STILL AREN'T VACCINATED SAY NOTHING - NOT
THEIR OWN DOCTOR, OR EVEN PAID TIME OFF - IS LIKELY TO MAKE
THEM GET THE SHOT.
THESE PEOPLE ARE DIE-HARD PRO-DYING.
( LAUGHTER ) YOU CAN HAVE THEIR COLD DEAD
HANDS WHEN YOU PRY THEM FROM THEIR COLD DEAD WRISTS.
MESSAGING CAMPAIGNS DON'T SEEM TO HELP.
AMONG THE UNVACCINATED, 70% SAID THE ENDORSEMENT OF A CELEBRITY
OR PUBLIC FIGURE THEY LIKE IS NOT AT ALL LIKELY TO GET THEM TO
TAKE A SHOT.
HEY, I'M A CELEBRITY OR PUBLIC FIGURE AND, DAMMIT, I'M STILL
GONNA TRY.
SO TONIGHT I'M ANNOUNCING A PRIZE: UNVACCINATED PEOPLE, IF
YOU GET THE SHOT, YOU WILL WIN UNLIMITED OXYGEN, AND A CHANCE
TO HAVE A PRIVATE DINNER WITH GEORGE CLOONEY, LOOK-ALIKE
DANTE, MY CAMERAMAN.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) HE'S JUST AS HANDSOME, AND HE
WON'T TALK YOUR EAR OFF ABOUT NESPRESSO.
( LAUGHTER ) OF COURSE ALL THE ANTI-VAX
PROPAGANDA ON FOX NEWS IS NOT HELPING.
AS ONE FORMER EXECUTIVE SAYS, THE NETWORK HAD CONTRIBUTED
SUBSTANTIALLY AND DIRECTLY TO THE UNNECESSARY DEATHS OF MANY
AMERICANS BY FUELING HESITATION AND DOUBT ABOUT THE SAFETY OF
VACCINES.
NO SURPRISE.
IT'S RIGHT THERE IN FOX NEWS' SLOGAN:
WE REPORT.
YOU JUST DIED.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT FOX TRIES TO PASS OFF THEIR
ANTI-VAX SEGMENTS AS BEING ABOUT FREEDOM.
TAKE, FOX FRIEND AND CONTESTANT ON "JEOPARDY" REALIZING HE
SPELLED HIS OWN NAME WRONG, BRIAN KILMEADE.
ON MONDAY, KILMEADE DEFENDED UNVACCINATED PEOPLE WHO WANTED
TO DEFY MASK MANDATES: >> IF YOU DIDN'T GET A
VACCINATION, THAT'S YOUR CHOICE.
BUT IF YOU DID, LIKE I DID AND THEY DID AND MAYBE YOU DID, THEN
YOU SHOULD NOT WEAR A MASK.
AND IF YOU DID AND YOU WANT TO GO CLIFF DIVING THIS WEEKEND,
YOU DON'T HAVE TO CHECK WITH ME.
IT SEEMS A LITTLE DANGEROUS, BUT I'M NOT GONNA JUDGE YOU.
AND IF YOU GO AHEAD AND PUT YOURSELF IN DANGER, IF YOU FEEL
AS THOUGH THIS IS NOT SOMETHING FOR YOU, DON'T DO IT, BUT DON'T
AFFECT MY LIFE.
>> 99% OF THE PEOPLE DYING FROM COVID ARE UNVACCINATED.
>> THAT'S THEIR CHOICE.
( LAUGHTER ) >> STEPHEN: SO THE BROWN-HAIRED
GUY BELIEVES THAT BEING UNVACCINATED AND MASKLESS IS THE
SAME AS BEING A THRILLSEEKER WHO JUMPS OFF CLIFFS.
THAT ANALOGY DOES WORK, IF YOU FIRST STRAP THAT CLIFF-JUMPER TO
A GROUP OF OLD PEOPLE.
( LAUGHTER ) WHAT'S THAT?
OH, DEAR GOD.
FOLKS, I HAVE TO INTERRUPT TO THE MONOLOGUE, BECAUSE WE HAVE A
BREAKING TACO ALERT.
♪♪ WHY DOES THIS ALWAYS HAPPEN ON
TUESDAYS?
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
DOES THAT MATH WORK OUT?
>> Jon: YEAH, IT'S TUESDAY.
>> Stephen: TOAD'S TEWS?
ACCORDING TO HIGHLY-PLACED SOURCES ON THE INTERNET, TACO
BELL'S MENU HAS BEEN HIT BY NATIONWIDE SHORTAGES OF
INGREDIENTS.
WOW, I HAD NO IDEA TACO BELL HAD INGREDIENTS.
( LAUGHTER ) I THOUGHT IT WAS JUST EXTRUDED.
( LAUGHTER ) THE BELL APOLOGIZED FOR THE
SCARCITIES ON THEIR WEBSITE, BUT THAT FELL ON DEAF EARS, AS
CUSTOMERS TOOK TO THE INTERNET WITH COMPLAINTS LIKE
FOR ANYONE CRAVING TACO BELL TONIGHT, I'LL SAVE YOU THE
DRIVE, THEY DON'T HAVE CHICKEN OR BEEF, AND NONE OF THE TACOS
HAD LETTUCE OR TOMATO ON THEM.
I WENT BACK THROUGH THE DRIVE THROUGH AND ASKED ABOUT IT AND
THEY SAID THEY ARE PRETTY MUCH OUT OF ANYTHING THAT COMES
FRESH.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) OOH, THAT'S TOO BAD.
BECAUSE WHEN YOU WANT FRESH LETTUCE, YOU HEAD STRAIGHT TO
YOUR NEAREST TACO BELL.
( LAUGHTER ) JUST LIKE WHEN WE WANT SUSHI,
EVIE AND I MAKE A BEELINE FOR OUR LOCAL WALGREENS.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT IF YOU'RE CRAVING A TASTE OF
THE 'BELL, DON'T WORRY.
BECAUSE THEY'RE INTRODUCING A WHOLE NEW MENU WITH THEIR
LIMITED SUPPLY.
JIM?
♪♪ >> GET YOUR MOUTH READY FOR TACO
BELL'S NEW LOCO SHORTAGE SUPREME MENU.
STARTING WITH THE GRANDE SOUR CREAM LUPA, OUR SIGNATURE SOFT
TORTILLA STUFFED WITH TWELVE ZEST AT THIS DOLLOPS OF PLAIN
CREAM.
YOU'LL SAY GIVE MELESS OF OUR BRAND-NEW QUADRUPLE DRAWNCH
TACO, A CRISPY SHELL INSIDE A CRISPY SHELL INSIDE ANOTHER
CRISPY SHELL STUFFED IN A DELICIOUS CRISPY SHELL AND
FILLED WITH NAPKINS!
WANT TO TAKE IT UP A NACHO?
WE'VE GOT A HOT, SAVORY BURRITO LAYERED WITH WHATEVER WAS IN
DEB'S CAR!
TODAY IT'S COUGH DROPS AND A HANDFUL OF GOLDFISH CRACKERS,
BECAUSE IT'S DEB'S WEEKEND WITH BRYSON!
STILL HUNGRY?
BLAZE YOUR TASTE BUDS WITH THE NOT-CHIHUAHUA GORDITA WHICH IS
NOT MADE FROM THE CHIHUAHUA THAT USED TO BE OUR MASCOT.
NO, WE DON'T KNOW WHERE HE WENT.
STOP ASKING!
TACO BELL, IT'S 2:00 A.M., WHERE ELSE ARE YOU GONNA GO?
( BELL SOUNDED ) >> Stephen: WE'VE GOT A GREAT
SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) MY GUEST IS JASON SUDEIKIS.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, I HELP RESCUE SOME RESCUE DOGS.
♪♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
♪♪
>> Stephen: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, "BRING IT ON HOME"
WITH JON BATISTE AND "STAY HUMAN"!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THERE YOU GO!
>> Jon: YEAH!
>> Stephen: FOLKS -- UNBELIEVABLE.
♪ IF YOU EVER CHANGE YOUR MIND ♪ >> Stephen: WELCOME BACK,
EVERYBODY.
FOLKS, IF YOU KNOW ME, YOU KNOW THAT I LOVE DOGS.
I SEE A LOT OF MYSELF IN THEM.
I'M LOYAL, KIND, AND I WILL DO ANYTHING FOR A PIECE OF BACON.
AND THAT AFFINITY FOR DOGS IS WHY I LOVE DOING MY SEGMENT:
RESCUE DOG RESCUE, WHERE WE HELP FIND HOMES FOR REAL RESCUE
PUPPIES.
I'M PROUD TO SAY THAT SO FAR WE HAVE A PERFECT RECORD OF
EVERY SINGLE DOG WE'VE EVER FEATURED GETTING ADOPTED.
AFTER THEIR APPEARANCE ON THIS SHOW.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) IT'S FAR MORE SUCCESSFUL THAN
OUR OTHER SEGMENT, ANYBODY WANT A VULTURE?
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, THROUGHOUT THE PANDEMIC,
THERE WAS A SURGE IN PEOPLE ADOPTING PETS.
BUT AS MORE PEOPLE HEAD BACK TO WORK, SHELTERS ARE FILLING UP
AGAIN.
WHICH MEANS IT'S TIME FOR ANOTHER EDITION OF RESCUE DOG
RESCUE.
♪♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
HEY, EVERYBODY!
WELCOME TO ANOTHER EDITION OF RESCUE DOG RESCUE.
HERE'S HOW SHE WORKS: WE'RE ABOUT TO SHOW YOU SOME ADORABLE
PUPPIES THAT ARE ACTUALLY UP FOR ADOPTION THROUGH THE NORTH SHORE
ANIMAL LEAGUE AMERICA.
AND TO MAKE SURE THESE DOGS FIND A HOME, WE HAVE MADE UP
FLATTERING LIES ABOUT THEM TO MAKE YOU WANT TO ADOPT THEM EVEN
MORE.
NOW, IF ONLY THERE WERE SOME CELEBRITY WILLING TO TAKE ON THE
CHALLENGE OF FINDING THESE DOGS FOOD AND SHELTER.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> I'M SORRY, BUT DID SOMEBODY
SAY CELEBRITIES EATING DOG FOOD CHALLENGE?
>> Stephen: JASON SUDEIKIS, NO, I DID NOT SAY THAT.
>> OH THAT'S TOO BAD.
ALWAYS WONDERED WHAT THAT WOULD TASTE LIKE.
SEE YA AROUND.
>> STEPHEN: WAIT JASON SUDEIKIS WHILE YOU'RE HERE, WOULD YOU BE
WILLING TO HELP ME GET DOGS ADOPTED BY TELLING SOME LIES?
>> NOPE.
THAT WAS MY FIRST LIE.
>> Stephen: OH, HE'S GOOD!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> ALL RIGHT, LET'S DO THIS DOG
AND PONY SHOW -- HOLD THE PONIES!
>> Stephen: ALL RIGHT.
FIRST UP, THIS IS GORDON.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) GORDON IS SO SMART THAT HE
RECENTLY WON THE JEOPARDY TOURNAMENT OF CHAMPIONS.
EVEN BETTER, IN THE FINAL ROUND, THE ANSWER WAS GORDON, AND THE
QUESTION WAS WHO'S A GOOD LITTLE BOY?
THAT'S RIGHT, YOU ARE!
>> ALL RIGHT.
OH, BOY.
I GOT YOU.
IT'S OKAY.
IT'S ALL RIGHT.
EASY.
NEXT UP, THIS IS SCRUFFS.
SCRUFFS IS ACTUALLY A GIFTED PSYCHIC BUT WILL ONLY TELL YOU
'GOOD' THINGS THAT ARE GOING TO HAPPEN TO YOU AND NOTHING ABOUT
YOUR NEXT BOYFRIEND TRAVIS.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
>> STEPHEN: THIS IS BARTLEBY.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) SHE INVENTED THE ADD 30 SECONDS
BUTTON ON THE MICROWAVE AND IS NOW A MULTIBILLIONAIRE.
ADOPT HER AND YOU'LL GET A TASTE OF THE BACK END EVERY TIME
SOMEONE DEFROSTS A BURRITO.
ALL RIGHT, CALM DOWN, FELLAS.
CALM DOWN.
( APPLAUSE ) >> WE'RE BOTH NERVOUS.
IT'S ALL RIGHT.
>> THIS HERE IS TED LASSIE.
( LAUGHTER ) >> YEAH, YEAH.
YOU GET IT, RIGHT?
>> Stephen: YES.
HE IS A RARE BREED KNOWN WORLDWIDE AS A POOVER, WHICH IS
A COMBINATION POODLE AND HOOVER.
SO WHEN SHE DRAGS HER BUTT ON THE CARPET, IT ACTUALLY GETS
CLEANER.
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY.
SAY HI TO PEBBLES.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) SHE'S A VERY AFFECTIONATE PUP.
ALSO, DUE TO A CLERICAL ERROR AT THE VATICAN, PEBBLES IS
TECHNICALLY A CATHOLIC SAINT.
( LAUGHTER ) DOES THAT MEAN YOU'LL GO TO
HEAVEN?
ADOPT HER AND FIND OUT OR DON'T AND ROLL THE BONES.
( LAUGHTER ) >> ALL RIGHT.
COME HERE.
OH, BOY!
IT'S OKAY.
COME ON.
>> THERE RIGHT HERE -- YEAH, I'M WITH YOU.
THIS IS STARLA.
STARLA ONCE SAW DAVID SCHWIMMER BUY ONE OF THOSE BIG PRETZELS AT
AN AIRPORT.
BETTER YET, SHE KNOWS IT'S NOT A GOOD STORY AND NEVER BRINGS IT
UP.
( APPLAUSE ) >> STEPHEN: THIS IS SENATOR
RUFFKINS.
HE IS AN ACTUAL U.S. SENATOR.
BUT IN THESE DIVIDED TIMES, SENATOR RUFFKINS DOESN'T SEE RED
STATES OR BLUE STATES.
HE SEES ONLY GREY STATES BECAUSE HE IS A DOG.
( LAUGHTER ) >> YEP.
ALL RIGHT.
HERE YOU GO, BUDDY.
YES!
>> Stephen: OH, LORD.
COME ON.
>> THIS IS DR. BRUCE GOLDFARB.
HE'S A PHYSICIAN WHO GRADUATED TOP OF HIS CLASS AT HARVARD
MEDICAL.
HE HAS A PERFECT RECORD OF CURING ALL THE PATIENTS HE
MEETS.
I'M SORRY, I MISREAD THAT: OF EATING ALL HIS PATIENT'S CURED
MEATS.
SORRY ABOUT THAT.
SORRY, DOCTOR.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> STEPHEN: MEET JANGLES.
SHE DOESN'T UNDERSTAND THE PREMISE OF THIS BIT AND THINKS
IT'S A CUTTHROAT REALITY COMPETITION CALLED THE BEST
BITCH.
( LAUGHTER ) WE'VE EXPLAINED IT TO HER MANY
TIMES BUT SHE KEEPS SAYING SHE'S NOT HERE TO MAKE FRIENDS AND
THESE OTHER DOGS GOTTA GO.
>> YEP.
YEAH, THAT'S TRUE.
>> Stephen: WELL, THAT DOES IT FOR THE RESCUE.
HEAD TO THE LATE SHOW'S WEBSITE: COLBERTLATESHOW.COM
FOR INFO ON HOW TO ADOPT THESE DOGS FROM NORTH SHORE ANIMAL
LEAGUE AMERICA.
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH JASON SUDEIKIS.
♪♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: HEY, WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, YOU ARE IN
FOR A REAL TREAT.
REAL TREAT THIS EVENING.
MY GUEST TONIGHT IS A PEABODY AWARD WINNING ACTOR YOU KNOW
FROM "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE," "HORRIBLE BOSSES," AND "TED
LASSO."
>> SOSORRY.
NO, NO NEED TO APOLOGIZE.
DANNY, WHAT HAPPENED BETWEEN YOU AND EARL, THAT WASN'T YOUR
FAULT.
YOU SUFFERED AN UNLIKELY AND TRAGIC COINCIDENCE, NOT TOO
DISSIMILAR FROM THE SCENES OF PAUL ANDERSON'S 1999 MAGNOLIA.
>> THE LITTLE PONY TAIL.
NO, THAT'S THE LAST SAMURAI.
YOU GOT A LITTLE PONY TAIL.
MY APOLOGIZE.
TOM CRUISE WAS ROCKING A PONY TAIL IN BOTH FILMS.
POINT, IS A TRAGIC OCCURRENCE, ONE TIME THING.
SO LET'S GET AWAY FROM THE BAD MOJO COMING OFF THE PENALTY BOX
AND HAVE FUN.
>> YEAH.
LINE UP FOR MIDNIGHT PUTINE!
>> Stephen: PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW," JASON
SUDEIKIS!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪♪
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> REAL HUMAN BEINGS.
>> Stephen: YEAH, HUMANS.
ISN'T THAT NICE?
>> I MEAN, IT IS.
>> Stephen: THE LAST TIME YOU AND I SPOKE ON THIS SHOW OTHER
THAN THE PUPPY BRIGADE WAS AUGUST OR SOMETHING OF 2020.
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: AND, OF COURSE, IT WAS OVER THE ZOOM.
>> YEP.
>> Stephen: THIS IS MUCH BETTER.
>> MUCH BETTER.
>> Stephen: THIS IS MUCH BETTER.
I'VE GOT TO SAY, YOU'VE MADE A LITTLE -- YOU'VE MADE A NAME FOR
YOURSELF BY WEARING CHEERFUL TOPS.
BECAUSE THE DPONLD GLOBES, WHERE WERE THE GLOBES WHEN YOU WORE
THE BUCKET HAT AND THE HOODIE, THE TIE DYE HOODIE.
>> THE GOLDEN GLOBES.
IT WAS ANOTHER ZOOM ENDEAVOR.
I'M TAKING OVER FOR BRUCE AND HIS CHEERFUL TOPS.
>> Stephen: GOOD LUCK.
GET READY TO GOOGLE IT.
THEY KNOW.
EVERYBODY KNOWS.
BUT, I MEAN, YOU KNOW, IT WAS 2:30, 3:30 IN THE MORNING, I
DIDN'T JUST WANT TO WEAR A SUIT IN MY LIVING ROOM.
>> Stephen: NO, YOU WERE VISUALLY HAPPY TO LOOK AT.
>> THANK YOU.
>> Stephen: I WAS SAYING BACKSTAGE A LITTLE DANGEROUS
BECAUSE THE URGE TO PUNCH YOU IN THE SOLAR PLEXUS IS HARD TO
RESIST.
>> YOU DON'T WEAR THIS TO ARCHERY.
NO.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: WELL, I THINK
SINCE LAST WE SPOKE, WHAT IF WE GOT HERE.
YOU'VE GOT THE PEABD, THE GOBBLED GLOBE, THE SAG AWARD.
>> YEP.
>> Stephen: BEFORE THIS YOU WERE JASON SUDEIKIS, FAMOUS
FUNNY GUY ALL RIGHT.
HOW DOES IT FEEL TO GET ALL THIS RECOGNITION?
>> IT'S LOVELY BECAUSE IT'S ALL -- YOU KNOW, BECAUSE OF
PEOPLE RESPONDING TO THE SHOW.
>> Stephen: AND IT'S YOUR BABY.
THE SHOW WAS YOUR GOOD DWRD.
>> I MEAN, SURE, SURE.
BUT, YOU KNOW, LIKE ANY BABY, YOU KNOW, IT TAKES A VILLAGE,
RIGHT?
>> Stephen: RIGHT, SURE.
BUT CONGRATS YOURSELF ON WINNING A PEABODY.
>> Stephen: OH, THANKS VERY MUCH.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AND I DID ALL OF IT.
I DID ALL OF IT.
>> YOU KINDLY TEXTED ME THE DAY WE WON AND YOU GUYS WON AND YOU
WERE HELPFUL AND REMINDS ME IT'S ONE TO HAVE THE BEST AWARDS
BECAUSE IT'S FOR EVERYONE.
>> Stephen: LITERALLY EVERYONE GETS IT.
THE PEABODYS GET IT, THEY KNOW EVERYBODY ON THE SHOW IS
RESPONSIBLE.
>> AND YOU AND I COME FROM A SIMILAR BACKGROUND, SKETCH AND
IMPROV.
WE'RE NOT HUMOROUS, ERMA MOMBECK OR STANDUPS.
SO THE FACT THE SHOW IS ABOUT AN ENSIEN-- ENSEMBLE AND THE WHOLE
WINS.
AND THE EMMY NOMINATIONS -- >> Stephen: 20 EMMY
NOMINATIONS.
THAT GOES TO EVERYBODY ELSE ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> OUR WRITERS, ACTORS AND PEOPLE IN POST-PRODUCTION HAVE
BEEN HONORED, SO IT'S NICE BEING ME PERSONALLY OR YOU WITH OUR
NAMES ON THE MARQUEE.
WE'RE LIKE THE DISCO BALL THE LIGHT SHINES ON AND THAT SPINS
OFF IN DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS AND PEOPLE GET TO DANCE.
>> Stephen: LIKE ME, YOU SPEND A LOT OF TIME CLUBBING.
>> THAT'S RIGHT.
I RARELY HAVE A PACIFIER OUT OF THIS MOUTH.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: YOU WORE A VERY
INTERESTING T-SHIRT TO THE SEASON 2 PREMIERE AND GOT A LOT
OF ATTENTION.
>> SURE.
>> Stephen: FOR THOSE WHO MAY NOT KNOW, WHAT IS THE
SIGNIFICANCE OF THE NAMES ON YOUR T-SHIRT.
>> THEY'RE THREE OF THE ENGLISH FOOT BALLERS FROM THEIR NATIONAL
TEAM, THE LAST THREE YOUNG FULL LAS THAT TOOK THE PENALTY KICKS.
THEY DIDN'T TURN OUT THE WAY THAT CERTAINLY ENGLAND WOULD
HAVE HOPED, CERTAINLY A LOT OF US HERE IN THE STATES WOULD
HAVE, TOO, AND WORLDWIDE AND THEY CAUGHT A LOT OF GULF
ONLINE, THE THREE YOUNG BLACK MEN, AND OUR SHOW IS ROOTED IN
DESPISING THINGS LIKE RACISM AND WHATNOT BUT IT'S ROOTED AND
TAKES PLACE IN LONDON AND ENGLAND AND IT WAS OUR WAY TO
USE THIS BIG FANCY PREMIERE TO SPOTLIGHT THEM AND LET THEM KNOW
WE HAVE THEIR BACK AND HOW MUCH WE SUPPORT THEM.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I DON'T MIND TAKING CLAPS FOR
THE SHOW, THAT'S NOTHING.
BUT WHAT THEY HAVE GONE THROUGH, MARCUS, WHAT HE DID LEADING UP
TO THE PANDEMIC AND HELPING FEED KIDS WHO WEREN'T GETTING LUNCHES
BECAUSE THEY WEREN'T GOING TO SCHOOL.
I'M JUST WEARING THE SHIRT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AND IT WAS JUST A WAY TO
HUMANIZE AND PERSONIFY THOSE THREE FELLAS, AND IT'S WHY I
CHOSE TO USE -- YOU KNOW, THEIR SUR NAMES ARE ON THE BACK OF
THEIR UNIFORMS, SO THAT'S WHY I USE THE NAMES THE PARENTS GAVE
THEM BECAUSE THEY'RE KIDS AND YOUNG MEN AND SHOULD HAVE THE
OPPORTUNITY TO SUCCEED AND FAIL AND TIE LIKE EVERYONE.
>> Stephen: I UNDERSTAND TED LASSO THE CHARACTER IS BASED ON,
IN PART, ON A HIGH SCHOOL BASKETBALL COACH THAT YOU HAD?
>> SURE, YEAH YEAH,, YEAH.
>> Stephen: DONNY CAMPBELL.
DONNY CAMPBELL WAS MY HIGH SCHOOL BASKETBALL COACH.
>> Stephen: THAT'S ALSO A GOOD NAME FOR A COACH.
>> AND HE WAS A GOOD COACH.
HE'S FROM KANSAS, STILL ALIVE.
( LAUGHTER ) AND HE'S A ONE OF THE DUDES THAT
SPOKE IN MAXIMS, LITTLE SAYINGS.
HE WAS A BIG SOUTHERN GUY AND YOUNG, HE WAS 31 YEARS OLD WHEN
HE WAS HEAD COACH AND HE WOULD SAY THINGS LIKE, SUDEIKIS, YOU
LOOK MORE NERVOUS THAN A LONG-TAILED CAT IN A ROOM FULL
OF ROCKING CHAIRS!
A LITTLE DEEPER VOICE.
AND JOHN WOODEN THE U.C.L.A.
BASKETBALL COACH HAS A GREAT IDEA OF WORKING WITH PEOPLE.
SO BIG UPS TO DONNY CAMPBELL FOR NOT BEING TOO HARD ON ME WHEN I
DIDN'T DO MY HOMEWORK.
>> Stephen: JASON, WE HAVE TO TAKE A QUICK BREAK.
DON'T GO ANYWHERE BECAUSE I'M GOING TO ASK JASON WHAT HE WOULD
DO IF NOT THIS, THE PATH NOT TAKEN, IF YOU WILL.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!
WE'RE HERE!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WE'RE HERE WITH THE STAR OF TED
LASSO, SIR JASON SUDEIKIS!
NOW, SPORTS ARE VERY IMPORTANT TO YOU.
YOU LOVE THE BASKETBALL.
HERE IS YOU PLAYING A LITTLE BASEBALL THROWING OUT THE FIRST
PITCH AT THE CUBS-CARDINALS GAME.
THAT'S A REAL CLASSIC RIGHT THERE.
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: WITH THE KIDS, WITH OTIS AND DAISY.
>> MY MANAGER AND AGENT.
>> Stephen: WHAT'S YOUR SPORT TO BE A FAN OF?
WHAT DO YOU ENJOY THE MOST?
>> PROBABLY BASKETBALL.
WHEN I WAS GROWING UP FOOTBALL WAS A WAR METAPHOR, AND BASEBALL
FEELS LIKE A WORK METAPHOR -- NINE DIFFERENT JOBS, DIFFERENT
CUBECALS AND FAR AWAY FROM EACH OTHER.
>> Stephen: IT TAKES EIGHT HOURS TO PLAY ONE GAME.
>> YEAH, EXACTLY.
ALL THAT.
AND, SO, BASKETBALL WAS LIKE THIS BEAUTIFUL GAME THAT, YOU
KNOW, IT JUST WAS FIVE PEOPLE WORKING TOGETHER AND SUBBING IN
AND OUT AND GETTING TIRED AND HELPING FOLKS OUT.
AND FOOTBALL -- SOCCER, I SHOULD SAY, AS WE CALL IT HERE -- I
FOUND THAT BALANCE.
I'M NOWHERE NEAR AS GOOD AT IT.
MY THUMBS KNOW THE SPORT BETTER THAN MY SOUL.
>> Stephen: SURE.
I THINK IT'S GOT TO BE BASKETBALL OR MAYBE EVEN A
LITTLE BIT OF SOCCER, AT LEAST --
>> Stephen: WHICH IS OFTEN CALLED FOOT BASKETBALL.
>> EXACTLY RIGHT.
>> Stephen: BASIC, SAME IDEA, RIGHT?
>> SAME IDEA.
AND HOCKEY, I CAN'T EVEN MAKE ICE MUCH LESS SKATE ON IT.
>> Stephen: SURE.
YOU HAVE TO PLAY WITHOUT A BALL.
>> WITHOUT A BALL.
YOU HAVE A PUCK AND A STICK IN YOUR HAND.
GOOD LORD, CHOOSE ONE.
TOO MATOO MANY METAPHORS.
>> Stephen: WHAT ABOUT BOXING?
WHAT DO YOU WANT TO KNOW?
>> Stephen: DO YOU HAVE AN OLYMPIC SPORT?
I HAVE ONE I WANT TO BE FOCUSING ON.
>> WHY?
>> Stephen: I'M NOT SURE I COULD TELL YOU WHY.
BUT, LISTEN, I ASK THE QUESTIONS HERE, WE'LL GET TO ME IN A
SECOND.
DON'T GET ME WRONG, MY ANSWER WILL BE FASCINATING.
>> I KNOW IT'S WRESTLING.
>> Stephen: ARE YOU A WINTER OR SUMMER OLYMPICS GUY?
>> I THINK SUMMER.
>> Stephen: GOOD.
THANK YOU.
>> I DID A FILM ABOUT JESSE OWENS A FEW YEARS AGO AND I
THINK -- YEAH, JUST BETTER.
YOU HAVE TO BUY LESS CRAP, YOU KNOW.
YOU RUN, YOU JUMP.
>> Stephen: WHAT'S THE EVENT THAT YOU MOST WANT TO WATCH IN
THE SUMMER GAMES?
>> I MEAN, I DO LOVE TRACK AND FIELD.
I LO LOVE TRACK AND FIELD.
>> Stephen: YES, SIR.
I'M BUMMED WE DON'T HAVE OUR FULL SQUAD.
>> Stephen: ME, TOO.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
POT IS NOT A HORMONE INDUCING DRUG.
>> AS LATE NIGHT SHOW ENHANCING DRUG, THOUGH.
>> Stephen: YES, SO I HEAR.
YEAH, YEAH.
>> Stephen: I TELL YOU WHY I LIKE TRACK AND FIELD IS BECAUSE
YOU KNOW WHO WON.
NO ONE HAS TO TELL YOU WHAT THE JUDGES SAY.
WHO WENT THE FASTER, JUMPED THE HIGHEST, THREW THE THING THE
LONGEST.
>> NO SUBJECTIVITY.
>> Stephen: THE OUTFIT DOESN'T HELP.
>> YEAH.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: BEFORE YOUR "SNL"
CAREER, YOU AUDITIONED FOR BLUE MAN?
>> YES.
>> Stephen: BEFORE OR AFTER ST"SNL"?
>> MICHAEL JORDAN PLAYED BASKETBALL, WHY COULDN'T I BE A
BLUE MAN?
>> Stephen: YOU WOULD BE A BETTER BLUE MAN THAN HE WAS AT
BASEBALL.
>> WHEN I WAS DOING SECOND CITY IN LAS VEGAS, I FELL IN LOVE
WITH THE SHOW.
MADE A LOT OF FRIENDS WITH THE PEOPLE WORKING THERE AND I WENT
TO SEE IT AND I THOUGHT, I WANT TO DO THAT.
SO I LEARNED THE DRUMMING PARTS.
>> Stephen: WHAT'S THE AUDITION.
DO YOU HAVE TO PAINT YOURSELF BLUE?
>> FIRST IT'S SINGLE AND TRIPLETS AND STUFF.
I USED TO DRIVE EVERYONE CRAZY PRACTICING BETWEEN SHOWS.
WE GOT FLOWN OUT HERE IN AUGUST 2001.
I MADE IT THROUGH THE FIRST THREE DAYS, AND THE LAST THREE
DAYS I GOT THE CHANCE TO GET BALD AND BLUE.
>> Stephen: AND THE UNITARD.
TO SEE MY FACE COVERED IN COMPLETELY ONE COLOR WAS
HUMBLING BECAUSE ALL THE GUYS THAT I WAS FRIENDS WITH HAD
GREAT MODEL FACES THAT I DIDN'T REALIZE HOW MUCH I NEEDED
EYEBROWS AND HAIR.
>> Stephen: TO DISTINGUISH ONE PART OF YOUR FACE THAN THE
OTHER?
>> I LOOKED LIKE A BLUE DODGE BALL, LIKE A PEANUT M&M.
I LOOKED AT IT AND I WAS LIKE, OH, ( BLEEP ) THIS GIG.
LIKE, I'M NOT GOING TO DO THIS, NO WAY.
I DON'T BELONG HERE, I LOOK HORRIBLE, AND I WASN'T A GOOD
ENOUGH DRUMMER.
IT'S LIKE NOT KNOWING YOUR LINES IN AUDITION.
AND I REMEMBER SWEATING BLUE.
JUST DROPPING ON THE DRUM, MAKING LITTLE ACCENT NOTES,
DING, DING, DING, LIKE SWEAT COMING OFF MY KNOWS.
NO, I LOOKED LIKE A BUTT.
IT WAS HORRIBLE.
>> Stephen: NOW AFTER THE SUCCESS OF TED LASSO, YOU CAN
GET IN LIKE THAT.
>> YEAH.
I CAN HOT SHOT MY WAY IN THERE.
>> Stephen: GOOD LUCK.
APPRECIATE IT.
>> Stephen: GOOD TO SEE YOU AGAIN.
PLEASE COME BY MORE OFTEN.
>> ALWAYS.
>> STEPHEN: SEASON 2 OF "TED LASSO" PREMIERES FRIDAY ON APPLE
TV PLUS.
JASON SUDEIKIS, EVERYBODY.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH A PERFORMANCE BY YOLA.
♪♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> 99% OF THE PEOPLE WHO ARE
DYING FROM COVID ARE UNVACCINATED.
>> THAT'S THEIR CHOICE.
EY DON'T WANT TO DIE.
SO THEY ARE -- THE ADMINISTRATION AND THE
GOVERNMENT IS SAYING WE NEED THE MASK MANDATE TO PROTECT THE
UNVACCINATED.
>> THAT'S NOT THEIR JOB!
IT'S NOT THEIR JOB TO PROTECT ANYBODY!
>> FOLKS, MASKS AND VACCINES, GOVERNMENT OVERREACH, KILLING
YOU IF YOU AS MUCH AS SNEEZE THAT'S GOVERNMENT DOING ITS JOB.
HERE COMES SOME FREEDOM, GUYS!
>> STEPHEN: PERFORMING THE TITLE TRACK FROM HER NEW ALBUM, "STAND
FOR MYSELF," WITH JON BATISTE, YOLA.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪ ♪ ♪
♪ ♪ ♪
♪ I UNDERSTAND WHY YOU
CLOSE YOUR EYES ♪ WHY YOU DEAF YOUR EARS
OH I REALIZE NOW ♪ YOU WANNA FEEL NOTHING
JUST LIKE I WAS ♪ A COWARD IN THE SHADOWS
NO VIEW FROM ABOVE ♪ NOW I'M ALIVE
IT'S HARD TO EXPLAIN ♪ IT TOOK THIS MUCH TIME
AND TOOK THIS MUCH PAIN ♪ YOU CAN GET HERE
IF YOU'RE WILLING ♪ LET GO OF YOURSELF
FOR A NEW BEGINNING ♪ IT WAS EASIER TO SIT,
THAN STAND FOR MYSELF ♪ IT WAS EASY TO GIVE IN,
THAN STAND FOR MYSELF ♪ I KNOW WHY YOU HIDE AWAY
WHY YOU KEEP SO QUIET ♪ MIND WHAT YOU SAY NOW
YOU THINK YOU'RE TOO MUCH ♪ TOO HOT TO HANDLE
YOU'RE STRONGER THAN ANYONE ♪ BUT STILL SO FRAGILE
♪ IT WAS EASIER TO SING, THAN STAND FOR MYSELF
♪ IT WAS EASY TO GIVE IN, THAN STAND FOR MYSELF
♪ IT WAS HARD ENOUGH TO GO AND LIVE ON
♪ I WAS SO TIRED TRYING TO BELONG
♪ I WAS LOST IN THE CITY YOU COULD SEE IT IN MY EYES
♪ BUT I WAS STILL A DREAMER IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT
♪ NOW I'M A-LIVE, ALIVE I'M ALIVE
♪ I USED TO BE NOTHING LIKE YOU I USED TO FEEL NOTHING LIKE YOU
♪ NOW I'M A-LIVE, ALIVE I'M ALIVE
♪ I USED TO BE NOTHING LIKE YOU I USED TO FEEL NOTHING LIKE YOU
♪ NOW I'M ALIVE, ALIVE I'M ALIVE
♪ I USED TO BE NOTHING LIKE YOU I USED TO FEEL NOTHING LIKE YOU
♪ NOW I'M ALIVE, ALIVE I'M ALIVE! OOH YEAH!
♪ OOH OOH OOH COO COO
♪ OOH COO COO OOH COO COO
♪ OOH COO COO ♪ OOH COO COO
OOH COO COO ♪ OOH COO COO
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> STEPHEN: HER ALBUM, STAND FOR MYSELF, IS OUT JULY 30.
YOLA, EVERYBODY WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> STEPHEN: THAT'S IT FOR THE LATE SHOW.
TUNE IN TOMORROW WHEN MY GUESTS WILL BE EMILY BLUNT AND BOB
COSTAS.
GOODNIGHT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪♪
>> Stephen: NOW IF ONLY THERE WERE SOME CELEBRITY WILLING TO
TAKE ON THE CHALLENGE OF FINDING THESE DOGS FOOD AND SHELTER.
( LAUGHTER ) IT'S A PUSH.
( LAUGHTER ) >> LITTLE SIGN WOULD HELP.