>> SENATOR LINDSEY GRAHAM HAS PROMISED TO GO TO WAR OVER
CHICK-FIL-A AFTER SOME NOTRE DAME STUDENTS ASKED THE
UNIVERSITY NOT TO ADD CHICK-FIL-A TO THEIR CAMPUS OVER
ITS ANTI-LGBTQ STANCE.
THE SENATOR TWEETED...
♪♪ >> WE WILL NOT CHEW SALADS INTO
THE NIGHT!
WE WILL NOT TASTE FRUIT WHEN WE BITE!
WE ARE GOING TO EAT WHOPPERS WITH A SIDE OF CHICKEN FRIES!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> THEY MAY TAKE OUR LIVES, BUT
THEY'LL NEVER TAKE OUR FILET OF FISH!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> THIS IS SUBWAY!
♪♪ >> ANNOUNCER: IT'S "THE LATE
SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT!" TONIGHT:
TOO CLOSE FOR COMFORT!
PLUS, STEPHEN WELCOMES: HUGH JACKMAN.
AND MUSICAL GUEST LORDE.
FEATURING JON BATISTE AND "STAY HUMAN."
AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK
CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: HELLO, EVERYBODY!
>> Stephen: OH, YOU'RE TRYING TO SNEAK UP ON ME!
GOOD TO SEE YA!
HELLO.
( PIANO RIFF ) THANK YOU!
THANK YOU, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
AND -- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
TONIGHT, I GOTTA START OFF TALKING ABOUT A SUBJECT I
USUALLY DON'T BRING UP IN POLITE COMPANY:
FORMER PRESIDENT LOLLACOLLUDA.
( LAUGHTER ) NATURALLY, WE ALL WANT TO FORGET
ABOUT THAT GUY.
SINCE THE DAY HE WENT OUT AND LIED ABOUT THE ELECTION ON
NOVEMBER 5th, OKAY, SINCE THAT DAY, I TRY NOT TO SAY HIS NAME.
WE DON'T SHOW HIS NAME ON AIR.
I DON'T DO MY IMPRESSION BECAUSE HAVEN'T YOU SUFFERED ENOUGH?
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
( CHEERING ) BUT THERE ARE JUST ARE TIMES
WHEN YOU HAVE TO SLAP YOURSELF IN THE FACE, PUT A LITTLE COLD
WATER ON THE BACK OF YOUR NECK, BEAR
DOWN ON THE BITE STICK, AND REMIND YOURSELF JUST HOW BAD IT
WAS BY REPEATING OUT LOUD THE SIMPLE FACT: "DONALD TRUMP IS A
FASCIST."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AND THAT'S NOT JUST ME FLAPPING
MY GUMS, THAT'S CHAIRMAN OF THE JOINT CHIEFS MARK MILLEY, SEEN
HERE AT DEFCON EYEBROW.
( LAUGHTER ) IN A NEW BOOK, MILLEY REVEALS
THAT, FOLLOWING THE ELECTION, HE THOUGHT THE EX-PRESIDENT "WAS
STOKING UNREST, POSSIBLY IN HOPES OF AN EXCUSE TO INVOKE THE
INSURRECTION ACT AND CALL OUT THE MILITARY."
SAYING, "THIS IS A REICHSTAG MOMENT."
NO SURPRISE.
THE LAST PRESIDENT WAS PRETTY POPULAR WITH THE ALT-REICH.
( LAUGHTER ) OF COURSE, THE REICHSTAG FIRE
WAS IN 1930S GERMANY, WHEN AN ATTACK ON THE COUNTRY'S
LEGISLATIVE BRANCH WAS USED AS A PRETEXT TO SOLIDIFY FASCIST
CONTROL.
WHAT THE MAGA CROWD DID THIS YEAR WAS TOTALLY DIFFERENT.
IT WAS IN ENGLISH.
( LAUGHTER ) MILLEY SAYS THAT HE WAS ALERTED
THAT THE FORMER PRESIDENT AND HIS ALLIES WERE TRYING TO
"OVERTURN THE GOVERNMENT" BY A CALL FROM "AN OLD FRIEND."
THE FRIEND ALSO SENT A TEXT: "THE ORANGE EGGPLANT IS A KNOT-Z
CLOWN.
WE ARE IN DEEP DOO DOO."
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: THEY'RE USING EMOJIS.
EMOJIS.
>> Stephen: YEAH.
NOW, THE GENERAL WAS CONFIDENT THE COUP ATTEMPT WOULD FAIL,
TELLING AIDES, "THEY MAY TRY, BUT THEY'RE NOT GOING TO (BLEEP)
SUCCEED.
YOU CAN'T DO THIS WITHOUT THE MILITARY.
YOU CAN'T DO THIS WITHOUT THE C.I.A. AND THE F.B.I.
WE'RE THE GUYS WITH GUNS."
GENERAL, THAT'S NOT AS REASSURING AS YOU THINK.
( LAUGHTER ) MAY I REMIND YOU,
THIS IS AMERICA.
WE'RE ALL THE GUYS WITH GUNS.
I DON'T OWN ANY GUNS, AND I THINK I DO.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT IT IS REFRESHING THAT OUR
COUNTRY WAS SAVED BECAUSE, FOR ONCE, THE C.I.A. DIDN'T WANT TO
DESTABILIZE A DEMOCRACY.
MILLEY DIDN'T RELAX AFTER THE JANUARY 6 INSURRECTION WAS
THWARTED.
IN THE RUN-UP TO BIDEN'S INAUGURATION, HE WANTED THE
MILITARY TO LOCK DOWN D.C., TELLING HIS TROOPS, "HERE'S THE
DEAL, GUYS: THESE GUYS ARE NAZIS, THEY'RE BOOGALOO BOYS,
THEY'RE PROUD BOYS.
THESE ARE THE SAME PEOPLE WE FOUGHT IN WORLD WAR II."
OH, COME ON.
THEY'RE INSURRECTIONISTS, BUT WHAT MAKES YOU THINK THESE GUYS
ARE NAZIS?
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
CLEARLY -- THOSE ARE ACTUAL PHOTOS.
>> Jon: THAT'S A REAL PHOTO!
>> Stephen: CLEARLY, THE FORMER PRESIDENT
DIDN'T LIKE THE TEA THAT MILLEY SPILL-Y, BECAUSE EARLIER TODAY,
HE RELEASED A STATEMENT DECLARING, "I'M NOT INTO COUPS!"
ADDING, "IF I WAS GOING TO DO A COUP, ONE OF THE LAST PEOPLE I
WOULD WANT TO DO IT WITH IS GENERAL MARK MILLEY."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) OKAY, YOU'VE CLEARLY PUT SOME
THOUGHT INTO THIS THING YOU'RE NOT INTO.
(AS HUSBAND) "HONEY, COME ON, I AM NOT INTO
THREE-WAYS.
BUT IF I WAS, I WOULDN'T DO IT WITH OUR NEIGHBOR ALICE!
YOUR SISTER IS WAY HOTTER.
( LAUGHTER ) YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD BE FUNNY, IF
WE JUST -- OKAY.
( LAUGHTER ) THE F.B.I.'S STILL TRACKING DOWN
ALL THE BROWNSHIRTS WHO LEFT BROWN STREAKS ON THE CAPITOL ON
JANUARY 6.
I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT IN TONIGHT'S "SEDITIONIST ROUND-UP
ROUNDUP."
♪♪ >> I CAN'T FOUR-STOMACH THESE
IDIOTS!
>> Stephen: COWS HAVE FOUR STOMACHS.
( LAUGHTER ) FIRST UP, WE ALL REMEMBER THIS
GUY, PHOTOGRAPHED HANGING FROM THE SENATE BALCONY.
HE'S LIKE SPIDERMAN IF HE GOT BITTEN BY A RADIOACTIVE IDIOT.
( LAUGHTER ) TURNS OUT, HE'S IOWA RESIDENT
JOSIAH COLT, SEEN HERE PREPARING TO AUDITION FOR THE MUSKETEERS.
( LAUGHTER ) COLT APPEARED IN COURT
YESTERDAY, WHERE PROSECUTORS EXPLAINED HOW HE AND HIS BUDDIES
CAME TO D.C. STRAPPED TO THE TEETH, WITH A GLOCK .43 PISTOL,
TWO MAGAZINES OF AMMUNITION, A HANDHELD TASER STUN GUN, KNIVES,
GAS MASK, BODY ARMOR, AN EXPANDABLE BATON, WALKIE-TALKIES
AND BEAR MACE.
THEY BROUGHT BEAR MACE TO A "STOP THE STEAL" RALLY?
WHAT DID THEY THINK WAS BEING STOLEN, A PIC-A-NIC BASKET?
( LAUGHTER ) HEY, BOO-BOO!
HEY, LITTLE BUDDY!
HEY, BOO!
HEY, YOGI, HEY, YOG, LET'S STORM THE CAPITOL!
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
LIKE A LOT OF THESE DINGUSES, COLT SEEMED CONFUSED ABOUT WHERE
HE WAS.
EVEN THOUGH HE WAS SPELUNKING IN THE SENATE, HE APPARENTLY
BELIEVED HE WAS IN THE HOUSE.
THE JUDGE ASKED HIM "YOU SAT IN THE PRESIDING OFFICER'S CHAIR,
WHICH YOU MISTAKENLY THOUGHT WAS SPEAKER NANCY PELOSI'S CHAIR.
IS THAT AN ACCURATE SUMMARY?" AND COLT SAID, YES.
( LAUGHTER ) SO HE HAD NO IDEA WHERE HE WAS.
FOR HIS NEXT HEIST, HE'S GOING TO BREAK INTO THE VAULT AT
JOSEPH A. BANK.
( LAUGHTER ) STEAL ONE SUIT, GET A SECOND
SUIT FREE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THAT'S A DEAL.
THEY MAKE QUALITY, QUALITY ME MENSWEAR.
A COUPLE OF DAYS BEFORE THE INSURRECTION, ONE OF COLT'S DUMB
FRIENDS POSTED THIS PHOTO OF COLT IN BED WITH A GUN, TO WHICH
COLT COMMENTED, "READY FOR ANY BATTLE" WITH THE CRYING LAUGHING
EMOJI.
WHEN THE JUDGE ASKED HIM ABOUT IT, COLT SAID "THE PICTURE
POSTED WAS ACTUALLY A JOKE.
IT WAS KIND OF LIKE A FUNNY JOKE."
AS A PROFESSIONAL IN THE BIZ WE CALL "SHOW," YOU KNOW WHAT WE
CALL SOMETHING THAT'S "KIND OF LIKE A FUNNY JOKE"?
NOT A FUNNY JOKE.
( LAUGHTER ) HERE'S A BETTER JOKE FOR MR.
COLT: "KNOCK, KNOCK."
>> AUDIENCE: WHO'S THERE?
>> STEPHEN: "IT'S THE F.B.I., YOU'RE GOING TO JAIL."
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: OH!
OH!
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: NOT EVERY
INSURRECTIONIST ON JANUARY 6th WAS A LONE WOLF.
FOR SOME, IT'S IN THE GENE POOL.
LIKE THE FIVE MEMBERS OF A TEXAS FAMILY WHO WERE ARRESTED FOR THE
CAPITOL ATTACK.
EVIDENTLY, JANUARY 6TH WAS "TAKE YOUR KID TO HANG MIKE PENCE
DAY."
( LAUGHTER ) THE FAMILY WAS CAUGHT ON CAPITOL
SURVEILLANCE CAMERAS.
THERE'S THE DAD, TOM MUNN.
HIS WIFE DAWN.
AND THREE OF HIS ADULT CHILDREN: JOSH, KRISTI, AND KAYLI.
TOUGH TO GET CAUGHT LIKE THAT, BUT AT LEAST THEY HAVE THIS
YEAR'S CHRISTMAS CARD.
"TREASON'S GREETINGS!" ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
NOT BAD.
THAT'S NOT BAD.
NOT BAD.
THAT'S NOT BAD.
EARLIER THIS WEEK, I HAD THE CHANCE TO SIT DOWN WITH THE
WORLD'S NEWEST ASTRONAUT, BILLIONAIRE AND CRUISE MAGICIAN
HITTING ON YOUR WIFE, SIR RICHARD BRANSON.
THIS WEEKEND, WE ALL WATCHED BRANSON FLY TO THE EDGE OF SPACE
ON HIS VIRGIN GALACTIC ROCKET SHIP, BUT NOW THERE'S A
CONTROVERSY THREATENING TO TEAR THE WHOLE THING APART.
ON THE MORNING OF THE LAUNCH, LIVESTREAM VIEWERS SAW THIS
VIDEO OF BRANSON RIDING HIS BIKE THROUGH THE NEW MEXICO DESERT UP
TO THE SPACE PORT TO GREET HIS FELLOW CREW MEMBERS.
SO CUTE, SO WHOLESOME.
BILLIONAIRES: THEY'RE JUST LIKE MULTI-MILLIONAIRES.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT, NOT SO FAST!
BECAUSE NOW, VIRGIN GALACTIC ADMITS IT "FAKED" THE VIDEO OF
BRANSON'S PRE-LAUNCH BIKE RIDE.
( BOOING ) WHAT?
IT WAS ALL FAKE?
WHAT ELSE ARE YOU LYING ABOUT?
IS THAT ROCKET EVEN A REAL VIRGIN?
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
IN A STATEMENT, A VIRGIN GALACTIC SPOKESPERSON
BACKPEDALED ON CYCLEGATE: "THE FOOTAGE OF SIR RICHARD
BRANSON SHOWN DURING THE EVENT SUNDAY WAS PRE-RECORDED, AND
MISIDENTIFIED IN THE BROADCAST."
OKAY, IT WAS JUST MISIDENTIFIED.
THERE'S NO REASON ANYONE SHOULD ACTUALLY BELIEVE THAT RICHARD
BRANSON ARRIVED ON BICYCLE.
RIGHT, RICHARD BRANSON IN THAT SAME LIVESTREAM?
>> SO AWESOME TO ARRIVE ON BICYCLE ACROSS THIS BEAUTIFUL
NEW MEXICO COUNTRYSIDE.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: OH, SORRY I'M
LATE!
I, UH -- I JUST, UH...
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
-- JUST, JUST TOOK A QUICK SPIN AROUND THE BLOCK ON MY BIKE
WHILE WE PLAYED THAT CLIP.
ALSO, IT'S PRETTY BOLD TO LIE WHEN YOU'RE LITERALLY IN A TOWN
CALLED TRUTH OR CONSEQUENCES, NEW MEXICO.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I WISH IT ENDED THERE.
BUT I HAVE PERSONALLY UNCOVERED ANOTHER SCANDAL SURROUNDING THE
VIRGIN GALACTIC SPACE LAUNCH.
YOU SEE, BRANSON WAS OUR GUEST TUESDAY NIGHT, AND HE GAVE ME A
PICTURE THAT HE SAID HE TOOK WITH HIM TO SPACE.
TAKE A LOOK.
>> I PROMISED TO TAKE THIS PERSON TO SPACE.
SO WE'RE TAKING OUT A PICTURE OF THIS PERSON UP.
WE DON'T WANT IT TO WEIGH TOO MUCH BECAUSE EVERY LITTLE BIT OF
WEIGHT COUNTS.
PUT HIM IN MY TOP POCKET.
ONE SMALL PHOTO FOR STEPHEN COLBERT, ONE GIANT LEAP FOR
MANKIND.
THIS HAS BEEN TO SPACE, AND I WOULD LIKE TO--
>> STEPHEN: THANK YOU.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THAT WAS REALLY A LOVELY MOMENT
FOR ME BECAUSE IT WAS A CULMINATION OF MY CHILDHOOD
DREAMS.
OR WAS IT?
BECAUSE, JIM-- CAN YOU PUNCH IN ON THAT VIDEO BRANSON SHOWED?
THERE HE IS, CUTTING MY PHOTO OFF RIGHT UNDER THE CHIN!
FREEZE IT THERE!
NOW PUT UP THE PHOTO HE GAVE ME!
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) CLEARLY -- CLEARLY --
>> Jon: OH!
OH!
COME ON!
>> Stephen: -- CLEARLY SHOWS MY NECKTIE AND
HALF OF MY CHEST.
THAT'S NOT MY SPACE PICTURE!
TRUTH OR CONSEQUENCES, SIR RICHARD.
DID THIS PICTURE GO TO SPACE?
OR AM I JUST ANOTHER BIKE RIDE TO YOU?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Jon: AAAHHH!
AAAHHH!
>> Stephen: WE'VE GOT TO FIND OUT!
I GIVE THE MAN A BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT --
EITHER I'VE BEEN LIED TO, OR THERE'S A SIMPLER EXPLANATION:
THE MAN WHO GAVE ME THAT PHOTO IS NOT THE REAL RICHARD BRANSON.
WHEN HE WENT TO SPACE, HE WAS REPLACED BY THE RICHARD BRANSON
FROM THE MIRROR UNIVERSE FROM THAT "STAR TREK" EPISODE WITH
SPOCK AND EVIL SPOCK.
THINK ABOUT IT: EVER SINCE BRANSON RETURNED FROM SPACE,
HE'S HAD THAT RIDICULOUS GOATEE.
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) MY GUEST IS HUGH JACKMAN.
AND LATER, A SPECIAL PERFORMANCE ON THE ROOF OF THE ED SULLIVAN
BY LORDE.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, "MEANWHILE!"
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪♪
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!
GIVE IT UP FOR JON BATISTE AND "STAY HUMAN"!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Jon: YEAH!
OH!
>> Stephen: CHEERS.
>> Jon: HE'S ON FIRE!
HE'S ON FIRE!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: THIS?
WHAT ARE WE SHOOTING FOR?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: FOLKS, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, YOU KNOW I SPEND A
LOT OF TIME DELICATELY WHITTLING A
MELANGE OF THE DAY'S MOST PRESSING STORY TIMBERS,
PRECISELY MEASURING THE NECKS, RIBS, AND BACKS OF THE NEWS,
EMPLOYING ONLY THE MOST SOPHISTICATED AND TOPICAL
PURFLING, THEN LAYING 15 EXQUISITE COATS OF INSIGHT ONTO
THE ORNATE YET ROBUST STRADIVARIUS VIOLIN THAT IS MY
MONOLOGUE.
BUT SOMETIMES, SOMETIMES, FOLKS, I GATHER UP FRAYED ELECTRICAL
WIRE FROM A BURNT-OUT BOWLING ALLEY, TAPE IT TO A
TERMITE-INFESTED 2X4, THEN SHOVE ONE END INTO A DISCARDED CHUM
BUCKET TO MAKE THE APPALACHIAN DRIFTER'S BANJO OF NEWS THAT IS
MY SEGMENT: >> "MEANWHILE!"
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: THERE YOU GO.
A TRYING TO FOR THE -- A DELIGHT FOR THE EYES.
MEANWHILE, THE OLYMPICS ARE SET TO BE ONE OF
THE HOTTEST IN HISTORY, BUT TEAM U.S.A. HAS A SECRET WEAPON TO
KEEP COOL: AIR-CONDITIONED JACKETS, THAT CONTAIN A
BATTERY-POWERED DEVICE PLACED ON THE BACK OF THE JACKET, BLASTING
THE WEARER'S NECK WITH COLD AIR IN A SIMILAR WAY TO HOW
COMPUTERS ARE KEPT COOL.
JUST BE CAREFUL NOT TO KNOCK YOUR COFFEE ONTO YOUR OLYMPIAN
OR YOU'LL HAVE TO BUY A WHOLE NEW ATHLETE, AND THE COMPANY
WILL NOT PAY FOR IT.
THE I.T. GUY JUST SENT OUT AN EMAIL ABOUT THIS.
( LAUGHTER ) MEANWHILE, VAN LEEUWEN AND KRAFT
ARE DEBUTING A MAC AND CHEESE-FLAVORED ICE CREAM.
OKAY.
FINE.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
I'M IN THE ICE CREAM BIZ.
OKAY?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I WILL NOT BE OUTDONE!
WHAT THE HELL, SINCE CLEARLY NOTHING MEANS
ANYTHING ANYMORE, BEN AND JERRY'S AND I ARE TEAMING UP
WITH HUNGRY MAN TO CREATE "AMERICONE DINNERS."
PREMIUM ICE CREAM THAT TASTES LIKE THINGS THAT YOU DON'T WANT
IN YOUR ICE CREAM.
WITH FLAVORS LIKE HOMESTYLE MINT CHOCOLATE MEATLOAF, AND BONELESS
HAM-STACHIO.
THE KRAFT-VAN LEEUWEN FLAVOR MERGER WAS ANNOUNCED VIA
INSTAGRAM, WITH A PICTURE OF THE ICE CREAM WITH THE CAPTION:
"IT'S HAPPENING."
WHICH IS ALSO WHAT YOU'LL SHOUT WHILE RUNNING TO THE BATHROOM
MOMENTS AFTER EATING THIS ICE CREAM.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Jon: COME ON, VAN LEEUWEN.
MEANWHILE, IN SUBTERRANEAN RECREATION NEWS, A MICHIGAN MAN
FOUND 160 BOWLING BALLS UNDER HIS HOME.
OH MY GOD!
YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS?
HIS HOUSE IS BUILT ON AN ANCIENT BOWLING BALL BURIAL GROUND!
GET OUT OF THERE BEFORE YOU'RE POSSESSED BY THE GHOST OF THE
SHOE RENTAL GUY!
( LAUGHTER ) MEANWHILE, POPEYES' CHICKEN
SANDWICH IS SO POPULAR, IT'S ADDING NUGGETS TO THE MENU.
WAIT, WAIT, POPEYES CHICKEN DID NOT ALREADY HAVE CHICKEN
NUGGETS?
NEXT YOU'RE GOING TO TELL ME THE BURGER KING ISN'T ACTUALLY
ROYALTY-- WHAT?!
A HEAD THAT BIG HAS TO BE FROM CENTURIES OF INBREEDING!
( LAUGHTER ) MEANWHILE, OVER IN EUROPE, AN
ITALIAN ARTIST SOLD AN INVISIBLE SCULPTURE FOR $18,000.
WHICH... I... BOUGHT!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) PROVE I DIDN'T!
I TELL YOU WHAT, I DON'T WANT THIS TO BLOCK THE CAMERA, SO
I'LL MOVE THIS OVER HERE NEXT TO MY GOOD FRIEND
FRODO BAGGINS.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT, THERE MAY BE A PROBLEM WITH
MY NEW PURCHASE.
APPARENTLY, ANOTHER ARTIST IS "THREATENING TO SUE THE ARTIST
WHOSE INVISIBLE SCULPTURE SOLD FOR $18,000, SAYING HE CAME UP
WITH THE IDEA FIRST."
WAIT, ARE YOU TELLING ME THAT MY BRAND NEW, $18,000 INVISIBLE
SCULPTURE MIGHT BE A FAKE?
APPARENTLY, ARTIST "TOM MILLER SAYS HE MADE AN INVISIBLE
SCULPTURE IN 2016, AND HE IS DEMANDING VISIBILITY."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) REALLY?
DEMANDING VISIBILITY FOR YOUR INVISIBLE SCULPTURE?
CLEARLY YOU DON'T GET IT, OKAY?
THE WHOLE POINT OF THE PIECE IS CREATING A DIALOGUE BETWEEN
PHYSICAL SPACE AND NONEXISTENCE THAT SPEAKS TO A PRIMORDIAL NEED
WITHIN THE ARTIST TO "GET CASH."
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
BOTH THOSE GUYS LOOK LIKE A LOT OF FUN.
( LAUGHTER ) MEANWHILE, "17 MILLION GALLONS
OF SEWAGE WERE DUMPED INTO SANTA MONICA BAY," AND AS OF THIS
WEEK, "BEACHES FROM EL SEGUNDO TO THE DOCKWEILER R.V. PARK WERE
CLOSED FOR SWIMMING."
TOO BAD.
I KNOW WHEN I WANT TO SWIM IN PURE, TOXIN-FREE WATERS, I
ALWAYS LOOK FOR THE NEAREST R.V.
PARK.
( LAUGHTER ) OFFICIALS SAY THE SPILL WAS DUE
TO A NEARBY PROCESSING FACILITY TRIGGERING "AN EMERGENCY DUMP."
( LAUGHTER ) ALSO, I'M GUESSING, WHAT'S
TRIGGERED BY KRAFT MAC AND CHEESE ICE CREAM.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YOU KNOW WHAT?
I'M BEING UNFAIR.
>> Jon: I LIKE THAT!
>> Stephen: YOU KNOW WHAT, JON?
I AM BEING UNFAIR.
AFTER MAKING SO MUCH FUN OF THIS ICE CREAM, LET'S GIVE IT A
WHIRL.
( APPLAUSE ) THERE'S THE ACTUAL ICE CREAM.
THERE WE GO.
GIVE IT A SHAKE.
IT'S HAPPENING!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH HUGH JACKMAN.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪♪
>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY!
MY GUEST TONIGHT -- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
I'M EXCITED, TOO.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MY GUEST THIS EVENING IS A TONY AND
EMMY AWARD-WINNING ACTOR YOU KNOW FROM "X-MEN," "LES MIS,"
AND "THE GREATEST SHOWMAN."
HE NOW STARS IN THE NEW MOVIE, "REMINISCENCE."
( GRUNTING SOUNDS ) >> Stephen: PLEASE WELCOME
BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW" HUGH JACKMAN!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪♪
>> THANK YOU!
>> Stephen: WOW!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> WOW!
>> Stephen: GOOD TO SEE YOU AGAIN.
>> WOW!
WHOO!
>> Stephen: WELCOME.
WELCOME.
>> THAT'S SOMETHING COMING OUT OF THE PERCHING.
THIS IS THE FIRST I'VE HAD -- THE FIRST EVER ALL OF YOU.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: WHAT AN HONOR.
IT FEELS GOOD.
>> Stephen: SO, OKAY, WE HAVE NOT SPOKEN SINCE THE PANDEMIC
BEGAN.
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: WE HAVEN'T SPOKEN SINCE BEFORE.
HOW FARED YOU DURING THE PANDEMIC?
OBVIOUSLY, IT WAS NEVER A GREAT SITUATION.
>> NO.
>> Stephen: BUT WHAT TID YOU DO WITH YOURSELF?
>> I WAS HERE, YOU WERE HERE.
>> Stephen: BUT YOU WERE IN NEW YORK.
>> I WAS IN NEW YORK, SO I WAS HERE THE WHOLE TIME, AND IT
WAS -- OH, PICK AN ADJECTIVE.
IT WAS EVERYTHING.
IT WAS FRIGHTENING, IT WAS WEIRD, IT WAS STRANGE.
I HAD MY 16-YEAR-OLD AND 21-YEAR-OLD WITH ME ALL THE
TIME, HATING IT ALL THE TIME.
>> Stephen: BECAUSE THEY'RE STUCK WITH YOU.
>> RIGHT, WHAT 16-YEAR-OLD AND 21-YEAR-OLD WANTS TO HAVE NINE
MONTHS WITH THEIR PARENTS?
AND THE PARENTS ARE, LIKE, MONOPOLY!
>> Stephen: LET'S DO A PUZZLE!
LET'S MAKE SOME BREAD!
LITERALLY, OH, THIS IS THE WORST.
BUT, YOU KNOW, IT WAS SUCH A BIZARRE SITUATION, AND, YOU
KNOW, BEING HERE -- I JUST WAS FILLED WITH SUCH GRATITUDE FOR
THE PEOPLE WHO WERE GOING AT IT EVERY SINGLE DAY MAKING IT
POSSIBLE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: THE ESSENTIAL
WORKERS, HOSPITAL WORKERS.
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: DID YOU GO BACK TO - BACK TO AUSTRALIA?
>> WELL, I JUST WENT DOWN NOW.
AUSTRALIA IS COMPLETELY DIFFERENT.
I MEAN, THEY'RE HAVING A BIT OF AN OUTBREAK RIGHT NOW, BUT FOR
MANY MONTHS, THERE WAS NOT ONE CASE, ZERO CASES ACROSS THE
COUNTRY.
I ACTUALLY HAD TO GO INTO A HOTEL QUARANTINE FOR TWO WEEKS
WHEN I WENT DOWN THERE.
SO EVERYONE ARRIVES, GOES INTO A HOTEL --
>> Stephen: WHAT DID YOU LEARN ABOUT YOURSELF IN THAT
QUARANTINE?
IT'S LIKE AN ISOLATION CHAMBER.
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: WHAT DOES HUGH JACKMAN LEARN ABOUT HUGH
JACKMAN?
>> I'M REALLY BORING.
( LAUGHTER ) IT TURNS OUT -- LIKE, YOU KNOW,
I SAY, OH, MY WIFE IS THE BEST THING ABOUT ME, IT'S TRUE.
LITERALLY, WITHOUT HER THERE, IT'S, LIKE, JUST TELL ME SOME
STORIES.
IT WAS A LITTLE WEIRD.
>> Stephen: IF YOU'RE IN A HOTEL ROOM AND BORED OF BEING
HUGH JACKMAN, YOU SHOULD CHECK OUT THE PAY-PER-VIEW MOVIES
BECAUSE THERE ARE SOME REALLY GOOD HUGH JACKMAN MOVIES ON
PAY-PER-VIEW.
>> OF COURSE, I WATCHED THEM, BUT THAT'S, LIKE, TEN HOURS A
DAY.
AFTER THAT, WHAT DO YOU DO?
MY KIDS WATCH THEM.
THAT'S NORMAL, RIGHT.
>> Stephen: I MAKE THEM WATCH
MY SHOW.
>> I KNOW YOU DO.
>> Stephen: WHEN BROADWAY GETS BACK UP, IT'S ONE OF THE MORE
EXCITING THINGS I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO THIS FALL IS WHEN,
COME SEPTEMBER, BROADWAY'S GOING TO OPEN BACK UP
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AND ONE OF THE THINGS I'M MOST
EXCITED ABOUT IS I LOOK OUT ONE OF MY OFFICE WINDOWS, I LOOK OUT
AT A BILLBOARD AT YOU.
>> RIGHT.
>> Stephen: AS HAROLD HILL FROM THE MUSIC MAN BECAUSE
YOU'RE GOING TO BE AT THE WINTER GARDEN THIS WINTER AS THE MUSIC
MAN.
>> JUST OVER THERE, RIGHT.
>> Stephen: JUST OVER THERE, EXACTLY.
>> WE COUD DO A JUMP SWAP, IT'S LIKE TWO BLOCKS AWAY.
>> Stephen: SURE.
( SINGING ) ♪
♪ GOOD NIGHT LADIES ♪ ♪ GOOD NIGHT LADIES ♪
>> YOU WERE AHEAD OF ME, HOW MUCH DO YOU KNOW?
>> Stephen: THAT'S ALL I KNOW.
HE'S A MUSIC MAN, HE SELLS DRUM BONES.
THE PICK ALOE.
THE SHINY GOLD BRAID ON THE COAT.
I DON'T KNOW MUCH ABOUT BANDS BUT YOU CAN'T MAKE A LIVING
SELLING BIG TROMBONES.
I DON'T KNOW HOW HE DOES IT BUT HE LIVES LIKE A KING AND WHEN A
MAN DANCES, THE PIPE BASS SAID YES, SIR, YES, SIR!
THAT'S IT.
>> Stephen: THAT IS OFFICIALLY - THIS IS YOUR RETURN TO BROADWAY
TONIGHT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪♪
>> WE'RE DONE.
>> Stephen: DONE.
HAVE YOU EVER PLAYED THIS PART BEFORE BECAUSE YOU SEEM LIKE A
NATURAL FOR HAROLD HILL.
>> THE FIRST THING I DID IN HIGH SCHOOL IS THE MUSIC MAN.
I WAS SALESMAN NUMBER TWO.
>> Stephen: WHO'S SALESMAN NUMBER TWO?
THE ONE HAROLD HILL KEEPS RUINING.
>> HE'S A WHAT?
HE'S A WHAT?
>> Stephen: OH, THAT GUY.
MUSIC MAN.
THAT'S IT.
A LOT OF STANDING THERE WITH.
♪ OH THE WELLS FARGO WAGON IS A COMIN' DOWN ♪
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: THIS IS YOU
WORKING ON THE OLD TAP DANCE.
( TAPPING ) >> Stephen: OKAY, OBVIOUS
QUESTION HERE IS THAT DOESN'T LOOK EASY.
WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO TRAIN HARDER FOR?
HAROLD HILL AND THE MUSIC MAN OR "WOLVERINE"?
DIFFERENT TRAINING, OBVIOUSLY.
>> I'M STILL GOING TO SAY WOLVERINE PROBABLY.
>> Stephen: REALLY.
I HAVE REALLY BEEN GOING A YEAR AND A HALF.
WE KEPT REHEARSING.
IT'S BEEN A YEAR AND A HALF WE HAVE BEEN REHEARSING FOR THIS.
SO IT CERTAINLY TAKES ME A LOT LONGER.
I'M NOT LIKE A TRAINED DANCER.
I WASN'T A TRAINED SINGER.
>> Stephen: YOU'RE NOT A TRAINED DANCER, FROM OZ AND ALL
THAT?
>> I'M JUST PRETENDING.
>> Stephen: YOU'RE ACTING LIKE A DANCER.
>> AS A KID I WASN'T.
I'VE LEARNED AS AN ADULT, SO I HAVE TO DO THAT ALL THE TIME.
I SING EVERY DAY.
I HAVE SINGING LESSONS EVERY WEEK.
YEAH, I'M LITERALLY FAKIC IT ALL.
>> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE A QUICK BREAK BUT WHEN WE COME
BACK I'LL ASK YOU WHAT PART YOU WANTED TO PLAY IF HE GOT TO PLAY
ANY PART HE WANTED TO PLAY.
( LAUGHTER ) ♪♪
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!
WE'RE HERE WITH THE LOVELY AND TALENTED HUGH JACKMAN!
I'M GOING TO ASK YOU ABOUT SOME ACTORS THAT YOU'VE LEARNED FROM.
OBVIOUSLY, OUR DEAR FRIEND AND YOURS, IAN MCKELLEN, OBVIOUSLY,
MAGNETO FOR MANY YEARS, HIM AND PATRICK STEWART, YOU CALLED THEM
YOUR AT THIS NIRO AND PACINO.
WHWHAT HAVE YOU LEARNED FROM THE BY SHARING THE SCREEN?
>> IAN IS A THEATRICAL BEAST, SO I WAS BROUGHT UP IN THE THEATER
AS WELL.
IT WAS ONE OF MY VERY FIRST FILMS AND HE SAYS, HUGH, DEAR
BOY, IT'S GOING TO FEEL REALLY UNCOMFORTABLE.
WHEN YOU'RE ON ACTING ON FILM FEELS UNCOMFORTABLE BUT IT WILL
LOOK RIGHT, JUST GO WITH IT.
I ALWAYS REMEMBER THAT BECAUSE WHEN YOU BEGIN IN FILM, IT'S
STOP-START, IT'S VERY WEIRD.
YOU'RE NEVER ACTING MORE THAN A MINUTE AT A TIME.
YOU HAVE PEOPLE IN YOUR FACE, CAMERA, LIGHTS, IT FEELS WEIRD.
PATRICK, I LEARNED SO MUCH FROM PATRICK, THE GREATEST TIP HE
GAVE ME ABOUT LIFE ITSELF, NOT SO MUCH ACTING, HE SAID I
LEARNED WHEN I WAS ABOUT 16, WISH I HAD LEARNED I WAS
YOUNGER, I GIVE MYSELF TIME AT THE BEGINNING.
IF HE HAS A 5:00 CALL, HE WAKES UP AT 4:00, WAKES UP WITH A CUP
OF TEA, COMES BACK WITH HIS FAVORITE BOOK, HE SAYS, I JUST
READ A BOOK LIKE A NOVEL, SO I KNOW THAT NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS
FOR THE REST OF THE DAY, I'VE HAD A HALF HOUR.
BECAUSE EVERYONE THINKS, OH, I'LL DO IT AFTER WORK OR GO
HOME, BUT LIFE ALWAYS GETS AWAY FROM YOU.
SO MY WIFE AND I WAKE UP EVERY MORNING AND WE GO GET A CUP OF
TEA, COFFEE FOR ME, AND WE SIT IN BED AND WE JUST READ.
>> Stephen: THAT'S LOVELY.
YOU LOOK AT ME LIKE YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME.
>> Stephen: NO, I TOTALLY BELIEVE YOU.
I WANT TO DO IT, I JUST DON'T WANT TO GET UP EARLY.
>> IT'S GREAT ADVICE.
>> Stephen: IAN, THERE'S A LOT OF TALK ABOUT IAN IS GOING TO
PLAY HAMLET AT AGE 82, WITH I IS OBVIOUSLY IT'S A YOUNG MAN'S
PART, BUT PEOPLE ARE SO EXCITED TO SEE HIS INTERPRETATION,
RIGHT.
>> Stephen: IF YOU COULD PLAY ANY PART REGARDLESS OF AGE OR
GENDER OR WHAT WE THINK OF WOULD BE A NORMAL CAST IN THIS PART,
WHAT WOULD YOU -- >> HE'S 82, WHO'S PLAYING HIS
MOTHER?
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: SURE.
LILLIAN GISH.
( LAUGHTER ) >> ANY PART I WOULD LIKE TO
PLAY.
>> Stephen: YES.
KING LEAR IS THE ONE FOR ME.
>> Stephen: I COULD SEE THAT.
THAT WOULD BE THE ONE FOR ME.
( APPLAUSE ) AND BILL MURRAY'S CHARACTER IN
CADDY SHACK, THAT'S THE OTHER ONE.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: SURE, DALAI LAMA.
ABSOLUTELY.
WHICH WOULD BE MORE CHALLENGING, LARRY OR THE GROUNDS --
KING LEAR OR THE GROUNDS KEEPER?
>> THE GROUNDS KEEPER.
( LAUGHTER ) WHEN I WAS AUDITIONING FOR DRAMA
SCHOOL, YOU DO A MODERN CLASSIC WHICH WOULD BE SHAKESPEARE AND A
MODERN PIECE.
>> Stephen: YOU'RE ABOUT TO TELL ME SOMETHING I CAN'T
BELIEVE.
>> THERE WERE 17 OF US IN A ROOM AND THIS GUY GETS UP AND SAYS,
YES, I'M GOING TO DO THE GROUNDSKEEPER FROM CADDY SHACK,
AND EVERYONE IS GIGGLING, AND THE GUY GOES, NO, IT'S A
CLASSIC.
HE GOES, DUDE, HAVE YOU SEEN THAT MOVIE?
IT'S A CLASSIC!
( LAUGHTER ) HE ALMOST GOT IN ON THE SPOT.
>> Stephen: I LOVE IT.
THE NEW MOVIE IS CALLED "REMINISCENCE," WRITTEN AND
DIRECTED BY LISA JOY WHO IS ONE OF THE CREATORS OF "WESTWORLD."
>> YES.
>> Stephen: WHAT'S THE MOVIE ABOUT.
>> HAS ANYONE HERE SEEN "WESTWORLD"?
>> Stephen: EVERYONE.
MART, SO IT'S GOT A LOT OF THAT TONE, VERY SMART SCI-FI,
BUT IT'S GOT ACTION, AS YOU SAW, A LITTLE BIT OF A LOVE STORY AND
A SUSPENSE THRILLER, SET IN THE FUTURE.
I'M LIKE A PRIVATE INVESTIGATOR OF THE MIND.
A REMINISCENT MACHINE ALLOWS YOU TO GO AND RELIVE MEMORIES,
LITERALLY TOUCH AND FEEL.
>> Stephen: SO YOU COULD GIVE THEM TO ME.
>> BUT I HAVE TO GUIDE YOU IN SO YOU DON'T GO INTO DARK TERRITORY
AND YOU SAFELY ARRIVE AT THAT MEMORY, NOT SOMETHING ELSE, AND
THAT'S MY JOB.
VERY EARLY ON A WOMAN COMES IN PLAYED BY REBECCA FERGUSON,
SHE'S LITERALLY USING THE MACHINE TO GET HER LOST CAR
KEYS.
SHE SAID, I JUST WANT TO FIND THEM.
I INSTANTLY FALL IN LOVE AND START A ROMANCE AND SHE
DISAPPEARS AND THAT'S THE END.
THAT'S EARLY ON IN THE MOVIE.
AND THEN MY TRYING TO FIND OUT WHAT HAPPENED IS REALLY WHAT THE
STORY IS ABOUT.
I GO INTO THIS DARK PART OF THE WORLD, AND THE WORLD ITSELF IS
MIAMI IN THE FUTURE, IT'S PRETTY MUCH UNDERWATER.
CLIMATE CHANGE AFFECTED THE CLIMATE SO THAT EVERYONE LIVES
AT NIGHT.
TO THE UNDERWORLD HAPPENS IN THE BROAD, DARK, STARLIGHT.
IT WILL BE LIKE NOTHING YOU'VE EVER SEEN.
>> Stephen: LOVELY TO SEE YOU.
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING HERE!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> GOOD TO SEE YOU, MAN.
>> Stephen: REMINISCENS WILL BE IN THEATERS AND ON HBO MAX ON
AUGUST 20th!
THE MAN IS HUGH JACKMAN, EVERYBODY!
BA WITH A SPECIAL ROOFTOP PERFORMANCE BY LORDE!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪♪
>> Stephen: AND NOW, DEBUTING THE TITLE TRACK FROM HER ALBUM
"SOLAR POWER" HERE ON THE ROOF of the Ed Sullivan Theater,
Lorde!
♪ I HATE THE WINTER CAN'T STAND THE COLD
♪ I TEND TO CANCEL ALL THE PLANS
♪ BUT WHEN THE HEAT COMES SOMETHING TAKES A HOLD
♪ CAN I KICK IT?
YEAH, I CAN ♪ MY CHEEKS IN HIGH COLOUR
OVERRIPE PEACHES ♪ NO SHIRT, NO SHOES
ONLY MY FEATURES ♪ MY BOY BEHIND ME
HE'S TAKING PICTURES ♪ LEAD THE BOYS AND GIRLS
ONTO THE BEACHES ♪ COME ONE, COME ALL
I'LL TELL YOU MY SECRETS ♪ I'M KINDA LIKE
A PRETTIER JESUS ♪ FORGET ALL OF THE
TEARS THAT YOU'VE CRIED ♪ IT'S OVER
OVER, OVER, OVER, OVER ♪ IT'S A NEW STATE OF MIND
ARE YOU COMING, MY BABY?
♪ ACID GREEN AQUAMARINE
♪ THE GIRLS ARE DANCING IN THE SAND
♪ AND I THROW MY CELLULAR DEVICE IN THE WATER
♪ CAN YOU REACH ME?
NO, YOU CAN'T AHA
♪ MY CHEEKS IN HIGH COLOUR OVERRIPE PEACHES
♪ NO SHIRT, NO SHOES ONLY MY FEATURES
♪ MY BOY BEHIND ME HE'S TAKING PICTURES
♪ LEAD THE BOYS AND GIRLS ONTO THE BEACHES
♪ COME ONE, COME ALL I'LL TELL YOU MY SECRETS
♪ I'M KINDA LIKE A PRETTIER JESUS
♪ TURN IT ON IN A NEW KIND OF BRIGHT
♪ IT'S SOLAR SOLAR, SOLAR, SOLAR, SOLAR
♪ COME ON AND LET THE BLISS BEGIN
♪ BLINK THREE TIMES WHEN YOU FEEL IT KICKING IN, THAT
♪ SOLAR-OLAR-OLAR POWER SOLAR-OLAR-OLAR
POWER ♪ SOLAR-OLAR-OLAR
POWER ♪ >> Stephen: HER ALBUM, "SOLAR
POWER," COMES OUT AUGUST 20.
LORDE, EVERYBODY!
( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: THAT'S IT FOR "THE LATE SHOW."
GOOD NIGHT.
♪♪ >> Stephen: THEY DROVE ALL THE
WAY FROM TEXAS TO WASHINGTON, D.C., CLASSIC FAMILY
ROAD TRIP.
OKAY, EVERYONE GO TO THE BATHROOM BEFORE WE LEFT?
NO?
GOOD.
SAVE IT TO MERE ON THE WALLS.
( LAUGHTER ) WHY IS THE CAR GOING BACK AND
FORTH SO MUCH?
OH, BECAUSE I'M DRIVING LIKE THIS?
I LEARNED TO DRIVE BY WATCHING A SKETCH COMEDY SHOW.