> WHEN YOU ORDER AT A FAST FOOD PLACE, YOU ASSUME YOU'RE GETTING
WHAT YOU ASK FOR.
WELL, TWO CUSTOMERS AT SUBWAY SAY THERE IT WASN'T TUNA IN
THEIR TUNA SANDWICH, AND THEY ARE SUING THE SANDWICH SHOP.
A "NEW YORK TIMES" REPORTER DECIDED TO COMMISSION SOME TUNA
TESTS.
A MONTH LATER, THE RESULTS FOUND NO TUNA D.N.A. WAS PRESENT IN
THE SAMPLE.
♪ ♪ ♪ >> AT SUBWAY, THERE'S BEEN A LOT
OF TALK RECENTLY ABOUT WHETHER OR NOT SUBWAY TUNA SANDWICHES
CONTAIN ANY REAL TUNA.
WELL, AFTER 55 YEARS, IT'S FINALLY TIME TO COME CLEAN.
HERE'S THE C.E.O. OF SUBWAY, CHARLES H. WESTIN:
>> SUBWAY TUNA IS MADE OUT OF PEOPLE!
( LAUGHTER ) >> OKAY, YOU GOT US.
SOME OF OUR SANDWICHES CONTAIN PEOPLE.
BUT FOR A LIMITED TIME ONLY, WHEN YOU BUY ONE FOOT-LONG MAN
SANDWICH, YOU GET ANOTHER ONE FOR 50% OFF.
THAT'S A DEAL, REGARDLESS OF WHAT THE FILLING IS MADE OF.
BESIDES, HUMAN MEAT WOULDN'T BE ALL THAT UPSETTING IF YOU KNEW
THE RECIPE OF OUR CHEESE SAUCE.
SO, COME INTO SUBWAY TODAY, AND EAT FLESH.
>> SUBWAY TUNA IS PEOPLE!
>> Announcer: IT'S "THE LATE SHOW" WITH STEPHEN COLBERT.
TONIGHT: PLUS STEPHEN WELCOMES:
CHRISTINE BARANSKI AND MUSICAL GUEST JOY OLADOKUN
FEATURING JON BATISTE AND STAY HUMAN.
AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER FROM NEW
YORK CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪ ♪ ♪
>> Stephen: HEY, THERE YOU GO!
WELCOME!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) HEY, JON.
HEY, ANDY, GOOD TO SEE YOU.
WHAT'S GOING ON?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I LIKE THAT.
>> Audience: STEPHEN!
STEPHEN!
>> Stephen: VERY NICE.
HEY!
NICE TO SEE YOU!
BASICALLY PEOPLE, ATTRACTIVE, INTELLIGENT, KIND, GIVING
PEOPLE.
PLEASE HAVE A SEAT, EVERYBODY.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
WELCOME IN HERE, OUT THERE, TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
THE BIG NEWS TODAY-- ( APPLAUSE )
THE BIG NEWS TODAY IS THE BIG THING THAT DIDN'T HAPPEN
YESTERDAY, WHEN, THANKS TO THE FILIBUSTER, SENATE DEMOCRATS'
BIG VOTING RIGHTS BILL, THE "FOR THE PEOPLE" ACT, FAILED 50-50 ON
STRAIGHT PARTY LINES.
THE REPUBLICANS ( BOOING )
THE REPUBLICANS INSTEAD SUPPORTED THE "FOR SOME OF THE
PEOPLE-- WE CAN'T SAY IT OUT LOUD, BUT YOU KNOW WHICH ONES WE
MEAN-- ACT."
( LAUGHTER ) REPUBLICANS HAD A LOT OF STUPID
EXPLANATIONS FOR BLOCKING THE BILL.
BUT THE CREME DE LA DUMB CAME FROM SENATE MINORITY LEADER AND
MAN REALIZING HE LEFT THE HOUS ( BOOING )
WITHOUT HIS TOP TEETH, MITCH McCONNELL.
BEFORE THE VOTE, McCONNELL EXPLAINED WHY OUR COMPLETELY
DYSFUNCTIONAL SENATE IS ACTUALLY FUNCTIONAL.
>> THE SENATE IS ONLY AN OBSTACLE WHEN THE POLICY IS
FLAWED AND THE PROCESS IS ROTTEN.
AND THAT'S EXACTLY WHY THIS BODY EXISTS.
TODAY, THE SENATE'S GOING TO FULFILL OUR FOUNDING PURPOSE.
>> Stephen: YES, THE SENATE'S FOUNDING PURPOSE: TO DO
NOTHING.
( LAUGHTER ) IT'S RIGHT THERE IN ARTICLE 1:
"ALL LEGISLATIVE POWERS HEREIN GRANTED SHALL BE VESTED IN A
CONGRESS OF THE UNITED STATES, WHICH SHALL CONSIST OF A SENATE,
WHERE ONE WIZENED, ANCIENT TURTLE-MAN, WITH NO REGARD FOR
ANYTHING BUT THE SELF-PRESERVATION OF HIS OWN
POWER, SHALL, WITH HIS POCKETS STUFFED WITH GREASY BAGS OF
MONEY, STRANGLE THE HOPE OF ALL WHO DARE TO DREAM OF TRUE
DEMOCRACY.
AND RECOGNIZE APRIL AS NATIONAL JAZZ MONTH."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) CONGRATULATIONS--
CONGRATULATIONS ON NATIONAL JAZZ MONTH.
THEY GOT SOMETHING DONE.
DESPITE THE SETBACK, DEMOCRATIC SENATOR AMY KLOBUCHAR VOWED TO
FIGHT ON.
>> SO, MY REPUBLICAN COLLEAGUES, THIS IS NOT THE END OF THE LINE
FOR THIS BILL.
THIS IS NOT THE END OF THE LINE.
>> Stephen: AND THANKS TO REPUBLICANS, THAT'S SOMETHING A
LOT OF VOTERS WILL BE HEARING.
"THIS IS NOT THE END OF THE LINE.
THIS IS THE BEGINNING.
THE LINE STRETCHES AROUND THE NEXT THREE BLOCKS.
ALSO, NO ONE IS ALLOWED TO GIVE YOU WATER.
IF YOU BROUGHT YOUR OWN WATER, YOU SHOULD KNOW THERE IS NO
PLACE TO PEE, UNTIL YOU FINISH YOUR BOTTLE OF WATER.
OVER-- THAT SUNK IN.
OVER IN THE JUDICIAL BRANCH, THE SUPREME COURT IS ISSUING A
FLURRY OF DECISIONS BEFORE THEIR SUMMER BREAK-- THEY'VE
BEEN WORKING HARD TO FIT INTO THEIR BEACH ROBES.
TODAY, THE COURT RULED IN FAVOR OF A PENNSYLVANIA HIGH SCHOOL
CHEERLEADER, WHOSE SCHOOL KICKED HER OFF THE J.V. CHEER SQUAD
AFTER SHE FAILED TO MAKE THE VARSITY TEAM AND THEN POSTED A
SNAPCHAT RANT SHOWING HER AND HER FRIEND HOLDING UP THEIR
MIDDLE FINGERS WITH THE CAPTION "(BLEEP) SCHOOL, (BLEEP)
SOFTBALL, (BLEEP), CHEER, (BLEEP) EVERYTHING."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I CAN--
( APPLAUSE ) I STRUCK A CHORD.
THAT STRUCK A CHORD.
I CAN SEE WHY THEY MIGHT HAVE THOUGHT THE GIRLS DIDN'T HAVE
THE MOST POSITIVE ATTITUDE FOR THE CHEER SQUAD.
"THIS TEAM SUCKS, YOU DUMB CUCKS,
BIIIITE MY ASS!" ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THANK YOU.
I'VE BEEN WORKING ON IT.
SQUATS.
THE COURT RULED THAT SHE COULDN'T BE PUNISHED BECAUSE HER
SNAPCHAT WASN'T ON SCHOOL GROUNDS.
THE RULING WAS 8-1, WITH THE LONE HOLDOUT, CLARENCE THOMAS,
WHO LATER ISSUED A SCATHING DISSENT ON SNAPCHAT.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
YEAH.
THAT WAS-- THAT'S TRUE.
THAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED.
HOLD ON!
I'M BEING TOLD WE'RE GETTING BREAKING NEWS ON THE NEW YORK
CITY MAYORAL ELECTION.
IN THE DEMOCRATIC PRIMARY, WITH 84% OF PRECINCTS REPORTING, "THE
LATE SHOW" IS READY TO PROJECT THAT NO ONE KNOWS ANYTHING.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ZILCH.
SO FAR, BROOKLYN BOROUGH PRESIDENT ERIC ADAMS IS IN THE
LEAD.
BUT HE DID NOT GET 50% OF THE VOTE, SO IT'S ANYONE'S GUESS
WHO'S GOING TO WIN IN THE END.
ONE PERSON HAS ALREADY VOTED HIMSELF OFF THE ISLAND OF
MANHATTAN: FORMER PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE AND MAN WHO IS GOING
TO GIVE YOU A GREAT DEAL ON THIS AMERICAN FLAG, ANDREW YANG.
LAST NIGHT, YANG CONCEDED THE RACE.
THIS HAS GOT TO BE A DISAPPOINTMENT, BECAUSE YANG
STARTED STRONG, BUT IN THE END, HE WAS BETRAYED BY HIS LONGTIME
FRIEND: MATH.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
GOTTA STING.
THAT'S GOTTA STING.
>> Jon: YEAH!
GOT HIM GOOD!
>> Stephen: AS NEW YORK GETS BACK TO NORMAL, MORE NEW YORKERS
ARE LOOKING TO GET STRANGE, WHICH IS WHY THIS WEEK, THE NEW
YORK CITY DEPARTMENT OF HEALTH UPDATED THEIR GUIDELINES FOR
SAFER SEX AND COVID, INCLUDING ADVICE ON HOW TO MAKE IT KINKY--
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) OOOOH, YEAH!
BECAUSE NOTHING SAYS "KINKY" LIKE "CITY GUIDELINES."
"OOH, BABY, I'M GONNA BACK MY CAR RIGHT UP TO YOUR LOADING
ZONE, (WHISPERS) EXCEPT TUESDAYS FROM 11:00 TO 4:00.
HEY, BABY, HEY, BABY YOU WANNA BRING SOMEBODY ELSE IN
HERE AND PARK THIS THING ON ALTERNATE SIDES?"
( LAUGHTER ) ONE OF THEIR SUGGESTIONS IS TO
MAINTAIN SOME SOCIAL DISTANCE BY "BEING CREATIVE WITH SEXUAL
POSITIONS AND PHYSICAL BARRIERS, LIKE WALLS."
( LAUGHTER ) FIRST OF ALL, IF YOU'RE ABLE TO
HAVE SEX AROUND A WALL, CONGRATULATIONS.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
( CHEERING ) A DOG LEG THERE.
AND IF YOU ARE USING A SEX WALL, MAKE SURE THERE IS A STUD EVERY
18 INCHES.
( LAUGHTER ) THE CITY ALSO EMPHASIZE THAT YOU
GET VACCINATED IF YOU ATTEND SEX PARTIES, HAVE GROUP SEX, OR SEX
WITH PEOPLE YOU DO NOT KNOW-- ALSO, IF YOU WANT TO DO NON-SEX
STUFF, LIKE GO TO THE MOVIES.
SOME OF US WOULD RATHER "SEE" F9 WITH PEOPLE, THAN GO TO A
PARTY AND "EFF" NINE PEOPLE.
THAT'S GOOD.
I WANT TO SEE THAT.
BUT IF YOU ARE GOING TO A SEX PARTY-- AND I DON'T KNOW HOW
MANY OF YOU ARE-- THEY MAKE IT CLEAR: PICK LARGER,
MORE OPEN AND WELL-VENTILATED SPACES.
WAIT A SECOND, DOES THAT MEAN THAT THERE USED TO BE SEX
PARTIES THAT WERE POORLY VENTILATED?
"ALL RIGHT, WE GOT 40 PEOPLE COMING OVER FOR THE FLESH PIT.
THEY ARE ALL GOING TO BE HOT, OILED, AND SECRETING, SO SEAL
THE WINDOWS AND JAM A TOWEL UNDER THE DOOR, BECAUSE I
WANNA LOCK IN THE AROMA LIKE WE'RE IN A CROCK POT FULL OF
BALLS."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THAT'S-- ♪ ♪ ♪
I JUST CAN'T BELIEVE-- HERE'S THE THING, JON-- AND HEAR ME OUT
ON THIS ONE.
EVERYONE HEAR ME OUT ON THIS ONE.
I WAS A YOUNG MAN, A YOUNG TEENAGER.
I HEARD STORIES AND RUMORS IN THE ADULT SEX WORLD THAT THERE
WERE SEX PARTIES AND ORGIES AND FLESH PITSZ.
THEN I GREW UP AND FOUND OUT THERE'S NONE OF THAT.
( LAUGHTER ) AT LEAST FOR ME.
AND I'M IN SHOW BUSINESS.
BUT THIS-- THESE GUIDELINES...
( LAUGHTER ) HINT TO A WORLD OF WANTON...
( BLEEP ) THAT I KNOW NOTHING ABOUT.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
( APPLAUSE ).
( CHEERING ) AND I WANT-- I'M SORRY, I
DON'T-- I DON'T ACTUALLY BELIEVE-- I DON'T BELIEVE THAT
THESE ARE NECESSARY.
I ACTUALLY DON'T THINK THAT THERE ARE SEX PARTIES GOING ON
AROUND THE CITY.
I THINK THERE'S ONE GUY-- >> I'LL GIVE YOU MY CARD!
>> Stephen: WHAT?
>> I'LL GIVE YOU MY CARD.
>> Stephen: STAND UP.
NO, THANK YOU.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
I LIKE THE HAT, THOUGH.
I LIKE THE HAT.
I THINK THERE'S ONE GUY AT THE CITY HEALTH DEPARTMENT WHO WANTS
TO HAVE AN ORGY, AND HE GOES, "WHAT IF I PUT UP THE GUIDE.
MAYBE IT WILL JUST START HAPPENING NOW."
THAT'S MY THEORY.
SPEAKING OF THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO SMELL, WE HAVE AN UPDATE
ON FORMER PRESIDENT SCOOBY COUP.
( LAUGHTER ) YESTERDAY, "THE DAILY BEAST"
REPORTED THE FORMER PRESIDENT WANTED HIS JUSTICE DEPARTMENT TO
STOP "S.N.L." FROM TEASING HIM.
COME ON!
( BOOING ) NO MATTER HOW MAD HE GOT, WHO IN
THE JUSTICE DEPARTMENT WOULD FOLLOW THAT ORDER?
>> COULD IT BE...SATAN?
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: NO, BILL BARR
REFUSED.
( LAUGHTER ) YESTERDAY, THE FORMER PRESIDENT
DENIED THE CHARGE, BUT ADDED, "I DID SAY, HOWEVER, THAT ALEC
BALDWIN HAS NO TALENT, CERTAINLY WHEN IT COMES TO IMITATING ME.
THE ONE WHO HAD WHAT IT TOOK WAS DARRELL HAMMOND."
WELL, GUESS WHAT, BULDY?
( AS TRUMP ) "YOU DON'T NEED A GOOD
IMPRESSION FOR PEOPLE TO LOVE IT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THIS ONE I'M DOING RIGHT NOW,
THIS ONE... I AM-- THE AM THE FIRST ONE WHO ADMIT MY
IMPRESSION SUCKS ASS.
AND IT WON ME A PEABODY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
NEVER AGAIN.
>> Jon: NEVER AGAIN.
>> Stephen: NEVER AGAIN.
>> Jon: LET IT GO.
YOU DON'T NEED IT.
>> Stephen: IT IS POSSIBLE THE ONLY REASON HE DIDN'T SINGLE OUT
MY IMPRESSION IS THAT IT WAS SO BAD, HE DIDN'T REALIZE I WAS
DOING HIM.
( AS TRUMP ) "WHY IS THAT GUY DOING HARVEY
FIERSTEIN?" "I DON'T KNOW EITHER."
AT LEAST EVERYONE AGREES HOW AMAZINGLY DEAD-ON MY IMPRESSION
OF JOE BIDEN IS.
( AS EDWARD G. ROBINSON) "MEH, SEE, I'M JOE BIDEN, SEE?
MEH.
I RUN THIS TOWN, BANG, BANG."
I'M JOKING.
OBVIOUSLY, THAT'S ROBERT DE NIRO PLAYING JOE BIDEN.
THE FORMER PRESIDENT THEN COMPLAINED ABOUT THE ELECTION
AND OMINOUSLY CLOSED HIS STATEMENT HINTING AT THE QANON
CONSPIRACY THEORY THAT HE WILL BE REINSTATED WITH THIS RHYME:
"2024 OR BEFORE."
NAH ( BOOING )
I THINK YOU'RE 2021 AND DONE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) SPEAKING-- THERE YOU GO.
THERE YOU GO.
SPEAKING OF THE FORMER PRESIDENT, HIS DAUGHTER AND
SON-IN-LAW DON'T WANT TO, BECAUSE REPORTS SAY THAT
IVANKA AND JARED KUSHNER HAVE DISTANCED THEMSELVES FROM THE
FORMER PRESIDENT AND HIS CONSTANT COMPLAINTS.
THAT COMPLAINT?
( AS TRUMP ) "WHY DOES HE GET TO DATE MY
DAUGHTER?
DOESN'T SEEM FAIR.
WE'RE BOTH FAMILY."
( LAUGHTER ) APPARENTLY, THE FEELING IS
SOMEWHAT MUTUAL, BECAUSE INSIDERS SAY THERE IS JEALOUSY
FROM THE FORMER PRESIDENT ABOUT KUSHNER'S "SEVEN-FIGURE BOOK
DEAL."
EARLY REPORTS ARE THAT JARED'S BOOK IS GOING TO BE A LOT LIKE
JARED: GLOSSY AND NO SPINE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
OUT WEST, CALIFORNIA IS IN THE GRIP OF A DROUGHT AND THAT'S
CAUSING SACRAMENTO DRINKING WATER TO TASTE LIKE DIRT.
BUT ONE CITY OFFICIALS WARNED RESIDENTS, IT MIGHT NOT TASTE
GREAT BUT IT'S STILL SAFE TO DRINK.
AND WAS IMMEDIATELY SUED FOR COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT BY
MICHELOB ULTRA.
BRACE YOURSELF.
THERE'S SOME EARTH-SHATTERING NEWS FROM THE SANDWICH WORLD.
A RECENT LAB ANALYSIS OF SUBWAY TUNA SANDWICHES FAILED TO
IDENTIFY ANY TUNA D.N.A.
YES, RESEARCHERS ARE NOW SAMPLING TUNA SALAD'S GENETIC
FINGERPRINTS.
YOU CAN LEARN ALL ABOUT THE HUNT FOR AQUATIC D.N.A. ON
"SEA-S-I MIAMI"!
AS SURPRISING AGZ THE NEWS WAS, MORE SHOCKING IS HOW THEY
REVEALED WANT RESULTS OF THE D.N.A. TEST.
>> YOU ARE NOT-- >> TUNA!
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
MY GUEST IS CHRISTINE BARANSKI.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, SPACE NEWS!
STICK AROUND!
♪ ♪ ♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: JON BATISTE AND STAY HUMAN, EVERYBODY!
OH, MY GOSH, I LOVE IT!
YOU MAY NOT HAVE-- JON, YOU MAY NOT HAVE NOTICED IT, BUT THEY
CAME BACK-- THEY CAME BACK WHEN I WAS STILL OVER THERE TALKING
TO CHRIS AND I LOVE IT.
I LOVE THE IDEA THAT I CAN JUST COME BACK WHEN I'M AWAY FROM THE
DESK AND COME BACK.
DO YOU HAVE ANY PLANS FOR THE WEEKEND?
IT'S ONLY WEDNESDAY, HUMP DAY.
BUT ACCORDING TO THE CITY GUIDELINES, EVERY DAY IS HUMP
DAY.
THANK YOU, JOE.
ARE YOU GIGGING ANYWHERE?
>> Jon: I'M WRITING SOME ORKET RAL CHARTS.
I'M PLAYING WITH THE B.S.O. I'M GOING TO RESPOND THE WEEKEND
COMPOSING THE ORCHESTRATION.
IT'S GOING TO BE GREAT.
>> Stephen: WOW.
WHEN CAN I SEE IT?
>> Jon: YOU SHOULD COME.
IT'S ON THE FOURTH OF JULY WEEKEND.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
CAN YOU COME?
IF.
>> Stephen: I GOT-- I GOT PLANS.
I GOT PLANS.
>> Jon: OH, YEAH.
>> Stephen: SORRY.
>> Jon: I'LL RECORD IT AND I'LL SEND IT TO YOU.
>> Stephen: OH, WOULD YOU PLEASE.
>> Jon: YES.
>> Stephen: I'M GOING TO HOLD YOU TO IT BECAUSE IT'S ON TV
NJTSZ YOU'VE GOT WITNESSED.
>> Stephen: IS IT GOING TO BE BROADCAST?
>> Jon: YES, IT'S GOING TO BE ON TV.
>> Stephen: THEN I'LL WATCH TV.
>> Jon: IT IS, YEAH.
>> Stephen: I GOT ONE OF THOSE.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Jon: I THINK YOU'RE ON ONE OF THOSE.
>> Stephen: WHAT?
OH, ( BLEEP ).
LET'S DO THE SHOW.
SORRY.
THANK YOU FOR REMINDING ME BECAUSE I THOUGHT WE WERE JUST
HANGING.
FOLKS, MY MONOLOGUE CAN SOMETIMES GET A LITTLE BOGGED
DOWN IN SERIOUS STORIES ABOUT TOXIC POLITICS, CONGRESSIONAL
GRIDLOCK, AND SUSPECT TUNA SANDWICHES.
SO IT'S NICE EVERY SO OFTEN TO TAKE A BREAK AND BRING YOU
HAPPIER NEWS LIKE WE'RE LAUNCHING HELPLESS ANIMALS INTO
SPACE AGAIN.
AND I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT IN MY 13.8-BILLION-YEAR-OLD
SEGMENT, "SPACE NEWS: ANIMAL EDITION!"
( APPLAUSE ) THE LATEST IN SPACE NEW IS THAT
"NASA HAS SENT SQUID INTO SPACE FOR RESEARCH."
ONE IMAGINES THEY'LL BE TESTING THE EFFECT OF COSMIC RADIATION
ON AQUATIC LIFE FORMS.
SHOULD BE FAIRLY SIMPLE: WE GO NOW LIVE TO THE
INTERNATIONAL SPACE STATION.
COMMANDER LEWIS, HOW ARE THE EXPERIMENTS ON THOSE SQUID
GOING?
KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK, SIR.
NASA HAS NOT SAID WHAT THEY'RE GOING TO DO WITH THE SQUID ONCE
THEY'VE FINISHED THEIR RESEARCH, BUT JUST IN CASE, THEY'RE
LAUNCHING A SHIPMENT OF COCKTAIL SAUCE AND LEMON WEDGES.
NOW, FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO HAVE ALWAYS FELT THAT SPACE JUST IS
NOT CORPORATE ENOUGH, I'VE GOT GREAT NEWS IN MY STILL-GOING
SEGMENT: "SPACE NEWS: CROSS-PLATFORM
SYNERGY EDITION!" NASA ANNOUNCED A NEW BRAND
PARTNERSHIP YESTERDAY.
"TIDE IS DEVELOPING THE FIRST LAUNDRY DETERGENT FOR
ASTRONAUTS' CLOTHING ON THE SPACE STATION."
VERY IMPORTANT THAT ASTRONAUTS HAVE CLEAN CLOTHES.
YOU WANT TO LOOK YOUR BEST WHILE YOU ARE PEEING INTO A SHOP VAC.
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, YOU MAY HAVE NOTICED THAT
HEADLINE USED THE WORD "FIRST" DETERGENT.
WE'VE BEEN SENDING PEOPLE TO SPACE FOR 60 YEARS, SO WHAT
HAVE THEY BEEN DOING ALL THIS TIME?
APPARENTLY-- AND I DID NOT WANT TO KNOW THIS-- "ASTRONAUTS WEAR
THEIR UNDERWEAR, GYM CLOTHES, AND EVERYTHING ELSE UNTIL THEY
CAN'T TAKE THE FILTH AND STINK ANYMORE."
>> Audience: OOOH!
>> Stephen: GOOD NEWS, COLLEGE ROOMMATES!
YOU'VE GOT THE RIGHT STUFF.
KEEP IN MIND, IN ORDER TO PREVENT BONE LOSS, ASTRONAUTS
HAVE TO WORK OUT TWO HOURS A DAY, WHICH MAKES THEIR CLOTHES
"STIFF FROM ALL THAT SWEAT," AND "THEY'RE DEEMED TOXIC."
IN SPACE, NO ONE CAN HEAR YOU SCREAM, BUT THEY CAN SMELL YOU
FROM A MILE AWAY.
( LAUGHTER ) ONCE THE CLOTHES ARE SO RANK
THAT NO ONE CAN TAKE IT ANYMORE, THEY'RE DISPOSED OF BY BEING
SENT TO "BURN UP IN EARTH'S ATMOSPHERE ABOARD DISCARDED
CARGO SHIPS."
SO REMEMBER THAT THE NEXT TIME YOU CATCH A SNOWFLAKE ON YOUR
TONGUE: A NON-ZERO PORTION OF IT IS
COMMANDER MIKE HOPKIN'S TIGHTY-WHITIES.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH CHRISTINE BARANSKI.
♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!
GIVE IT UP FOR JON BATISTE AND STAY HUMAN ONE MORE TIME!
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW."
FOLKS, MY GUEST TONIGHT IS THE EMMY AND TONY AWARD-WINNING
ACTRESS YOU KNOW FROM "MAMMA MIA!," "INTO THE WOODS,"
AND "THE GOOD FIGHT."
>> WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
>> I'M GETTING PAID.
BUSINESS IS DOWN EXCEPT FOR EVERYTHING IN BANKRUPTCY.
AND COURT DOCKETS ARE BACKLOGGED INTO NEXT YEAR.
IF CLIENTS WANT TO PAY TO RESOLVE THEIR DIFFERENCES IN
CRAZY COURT, WHAT'S THE DOWN SIDE?
>> YOU'RE TREATING THIS LIKE ARBITRATION?
>> IF WE AGREE TO BE BOUND BOY JUDGE WHACKO, THIS IS
ARBITRATION.
>> I DON'T UNDERSTAND ANYTHING ANYMORE.
>> SURE, YOU DO.
THAT'S WHY THIS IS THROWING YOU.
WELCOME TO 2021.
>> Stephen: PLEASE WELCOME CHRISTINE BARANSKI!
♪ ♪ ♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: OH, MY GOSH.
>> WOW.
>> Stephen: WOW!
>> A LIVE ODD YEPTS.
>> Stephen: YES.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WELL, IT'S LOVELY TO HAVE YOU
HERE, AND I'M SO GLAD, IN CASE WE LOSE POWER, YOU BROUGHT YOUR
OWN LIGHTING GRID.
I LOVE THIS.
IS IT NICE TO HAVE SOMETHING TO DRESS UP FOR AGAIN?
>> I HAVEN'T BEEN THIS HIGH IN HEELS SINCE 1968.
>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK TO BROADWAY.
>> IT'S WONDERFUL!
YOU MAY WONDER WHY I'M ALL DRESSED UP LIKE THIS.
>> Stephen: WHY ARE YOU ALL DRESSED UP LIKE THIS?
>> BECAUSE I THOUGHT, OKAY, "THE COLBERT SHOW" HAS NOW GOT AN
AUDIENCE, AND THIS IS A HISTORIC THEATER, AND I HAVE NOT STEPPED
FOOT IN A THEATER SINCE THE LIGHTS WENT OUT ON BROADWAY
ON,s WHAT, OVER A YEAR AGO.
>> Stephen: GLAD YOU COULD BE HERE TO LIGHT IT UP AGAIN.
( APPLAUSE ).
>> THIS IS LIKE MY OPENING NIGHT,s MY OPENING 90.
IT'S GREAT.
>> Stephen: ARE YOU-- ARE YOU GOING TO SEE ANY BROADWAY SHOWS
COMING UP?
SPRINGSTEEN OPENS THIS-- >> I CAN'T WAIT.
>> Stephen: OPENS THIS SATURDAY, RIGHT?
>> I CAN'T WAIT.
THE ONE I REALLY WANT TO SEE, THOUGH, IS "COMPANY."
MY FRIEND, PATTY LAPONE, I WAS SUPPOSED TO SEE A PREVIEW AND
ALL OF A SUDDEN WE SHUT EVERYTHING DOWN.
AND YOU AND I WERE IN "COMPANY," NOT THE SAME PRODUCTION --
>> Stephen: NOT THE SAME PRODUCTION AND NOT THE SAME
PART.
( LAUGHTER ) THOUGH I WOULD HAVE LOVED TO
HAVE PLAYED THE STEWARDESS APRIL.
>> THE STEWARDESS.
>> Stephen: ALTHOUGH I COULD HAVE DONE IT.
>> WE BOTH KNOW THAT SCORE,s AND DO YOU THINK YOUR WIFE WOULD
MIND IF I TOOK YOU THERE ONE NIGHT AS A DATE?
WE'D GO T SEE IT?
>> Stephen: I'M GOING TO GO AHEAD AND SAY SHE'S FINE WITH
IT.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ).
>> NO, HERE'S WHAT I THINK.
I SAID TO PATTI LAPONE, WHO I HAVE KNOWN FOR YEARS, I SAID,
PATTI, WHEN THE AUDIENCE FINALLY COMES, WHEN YOU FINALLY DO YOUR
FIRST PERFORMANCE, THAT AUDIENCE IS GOING TO STAND THERE AND
SCREAM AND CRY BEFORE YOU EVEN-- BEFORE THE ORCHESTRA EVEN PLAYS
THE OVERTOUR.
WE'LL BE SO HAPPY TO SEE LIVE PERFORMANCE.
I WANT TO BE THERE THE FIRST NIGHT.
PATTI SAID, "CHRISTINE, I DON'T KNOW HOW I'M GOING TO GET
THROUGH A PERFORMANCE.
IT WILL BE SO EMOTIONAL."
THESE PERFORMERS HAVE BEEN HOME, DOING NOTHING, FOR OVER A YEAR.
IMAGINE BEING A PERFORMING ARTIST WHO CAN'T DO-- DANCE,
SING, DO THAT THING THAT THEY DO.
>> Stephen: AND NOT JUST YOUR PATTI LAPONES--
>> THE CHORUS, EVERYBODY HAS BEEN ON HOLD FOR SUCH A LONG
TIME.
SO I THINK IT'S GOING TO BE SO EMOTIONAL, SO COME WITH ME.
>> Stephen: I WOULD LOVE TO.
I WOULD LOVE TO.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
>> I'M SURE YOUR WIFE WOULD LOVE TO GET YOU OUT OF THE HOUSE FOR
ONE NIGHT ANYWAY.
>> Stephen: SHE WAS HAPPY FOR ME TO GO TO THE THEATER.
SHE WAS-- SHE WAS MY ONLY AUDIENCE FOR 15 MONTHS.
>> GOD BLESS THAT WOMAN.
( APPLAUSE ).
>> Stephen: YES, GOD BLESS-- GOD BLESS THAT WOMAN.
NOW, AS YOU SAID,s WE BOTH DID "COMPANY."
I DID IT FOR ONE WEEKEND.
YOU DID IT FOR YEARS.
EUF BEEN IN SEVEN-- SEVEN SONDHEIM SHOWS?
>> THAT SOUNDS LIKE I'VE DONE SEVEN BROADWAY SHOWS.
I'VE NOT-- I ACTUALLY NEVER DID SONDHEIM ON BROADWAY, TO MY
GREAT REGRET.
BUT THE FIRST ROLE I EVER DID WAS APRIL IN "COMPANY," AND
THAT'S THE FIRST TIME I MET THE GREAT STEPHEN SONDHEIM.
AND HE CAME BACKSTAGE AND ACTUALLY SAID SOMETHING NICE TO
ME.
AND WHEN I GOT HOME THAT NIGHT I KEPT THINKING, "s MY GOD, I'VE
MET STEPHEN SONDHEIM, AND HE SAID SOMETHING NICE TO ME."
AND I SAID TO MY THEN-BOYFRIEND, "STEPHEN SONDHEIM SAID SOMETHING
NICE TO ME."
AND HE SAID, "WHO'S STEPHEN SONDHEIM?"
AND I BROKE UP WITH HIM.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
HOW CAN YOU BE WITH A MAN WHO DOESN'T KNOW WHO STEPHEN
SONDHEIM IS?
>> Stephen: I GOT A LOVELY-- IpI GOT A LETTER FROM HIM SAYING--
THEY ASKED IF I WOULD DO A PARENT IN "COMPANY" AT LINCOLN
CENTER.
I SAID I CAN'T SING SONDHEIM.
I SAID, "NO, THANK YOU.
I DON'T HAVE TIME TO LEARN IT,s" OR WHATEVER.
I GOT A LETTER FROM SONDHEIM, AND HE SAID, "I THINK YOU HAVE A
PERFECTLY LOVELY VOICE FOR THIS PART.
WOULD YOU PLEASE DO HARRY?" AND MY WIFE SAID NOBODY WILL
EVER ASK YOU TO SING SONDHEIM AGAIN LET ALONE ( BLEEP )."
I SAID I'LL DO IT.
WERE YOU TERRIFIED AT ALL?
>> I'M ALWAYS TERRIFIED TO DO SONDHEIM.
I SAW YOU IN THAT, AND CONCERT VERSION-- I'VE DONE MOSTLY
CONCERT VERSIONS OF SONDHEIM AND IT'S VERY LITTLE REHEARSAL, AND
DOING SONDHEIM IS A HIGH-WIRE ACT.
>> Stephen: IT'S COMPLEX.
>> YOU EITHER KNOW THE LYRICS OR YOU DON'T, AND THE MUSIC IS
COMPLEX.
DP YOU MASTER IS AND DO IT-- AM I RIGHT?
>> Stephen: MANY OF THE COURSES I'M GOING... I HAVE A TV
SHOW.
I DON'T HAVE BEEN TIME TO LEARN ALL THE-- BOBBY, BOBBY, BABY!
ROBO!
" NOPE.
>> S.>> IT'S A HARD SCORE BUT, B IS IT REWARDING WHEN YOU
SUCCESS.
I HAVE THE PRIVILEGE OF DOING "SWEENEY TODD," AND "GOTHE
WOODS" AS A MOVIE, AND I DID TWO PRODUCTIONS OF "FOLLIES," KINCH
ROLES.
>> Stephen: DID YOU EVER DO "SUNDAY IN THE PARK WITH
GEORGE"?
>> DID I DO "SUNDAY IN THE PARK WITH GEORGE?"
I WAS IN THE ORIGINAL WORKSHOP PRODUCTION OF "SUNDAY IN THE
PARK" WITH THE GREAT-- ( APPLAUSE )
THIS WAS IN 1983.
AND WE PUT THIS TOGETHER-- WE DIDN'T KNOW WHAT IT WAS.
WE WERE JUST LEARNING THESE LYRICS AND LEARNING THE
INTERVALS, AND OH, MY GOD, THIS IS SO HARD.
AND JAMES LUPINE KEPT BLOCKING US INTO DIFFERENT PARTS OF THE
STAGE BECAUSE HE WAS TRYING TO CREATE THAT CEROT PAINTING.
IT WAS MANDY AND BERNADETTE PETERS, AND MANDY, HIS VOICE.
AND WE LEARNED IT.
WE LEARNED ALL THE MATERIAL.
AND WHILE WE WERE PERFORMING, WE DID, LIKE, THREE NIGHTS OF--
DURING THE DAY, WE LEARNED THE SECOND ACT.
STEVE HADN'T WRITTEN THE SECOND ACT YET.
>> Stephen: HE JUST SPRUNG A WHOLE OTHER ACT OF THE SHOW ON
YOU?
>> HE WROTE THE SECOND ACT OF ACT, AND THEN WE REHEARSED IT
DURING THE DAY, AND PERFORMED THE FIRST ACT AT NIGHT, AND THEN
THE FINAL NIGHT, LIKE, THE FOURTH NIGHT, WE PUT IN THIS
SECOND ACT.
AND, I I MEAN, MANDY KNEW THE MUSIC.
AND WE JUST DID IT.
IT WAS ONE OF THE GREAT NIGHTS IN THE THEATER.
PEOPLE WERE, LIKE, "WHAT HAVE WE JUST WITNESSED?"
I MEAN, WE DIDN'T-- NOBODY KNEW IT WOULD WIN THE PULITZER PRIZE
AND THAT IT WOULD BE THE GREAT-- ONE OF THE GREAT MUSICALS EVER.
WE WERE JUST DOING IT.
AND THEN THIS MAN NAMED MIKE NICHOLS WAS IN THE AUDIENCE ON
THE FOURTH NIGHT AND HE SAW ME AND HE ASKED ME TO AUDITION FOR
"THE REAL THING" WHICH WAS MY FIRST REAL BROADWAY HIT.
IT WAS MARGE OF MAGICAL.
A MAGICAL TIME.
>> Stephen: WOW.
THE FIRST TIME I HAD TO SING-- ( APPLAUSE )
I WAS LUCKY ENOUGH TO DO THAT ONE WEEKEND OF "COMPANY."
AND THE FIRST TIME AND THE ONLY TIME I GOT TO REHEARSE WITH THE
PHILHARMONIC-- >> THE PHILHARMONIC!
>> Stephen: WE SANG WITH THE PHILHARMONIC BUT WE REHEARSED
WITH A PIANO-- >> AND THEN YOU HEARD THE
PHILHARMONIC.
>> Stephen: AND I NEVER GOT TO RUN WITH THEM, AND I DID "SORRY
GRATEFUL," JUST ME, AND I HAD NEVER SUNG WITH AN ORCHESTRA
BEFORE AND I HAD ONE CHANCE TO DO IT BEFORE THEY SHUT THEM
DOWN, ONE CHANCE TO DO IT.
RIGHT BEFORE I OPENED MY MOUTH, SONDHEIM WALKED IN AND SAT IN
THE FRONT ROW.
THERE'S NOBODY IN LINCOLN CENTER EXCEPT HIM IN THE FRONT ROW.
AND I'M GLAD I BROUGHT A SECOND PAIR OF PANTS WITH ME THAT
NIGHT.
( LAUGHTER ) I HAVE FLOWN WITH THE
THUNDERBIRDS,s AND THAT WAS WAY MORE TERRIFYING TO OPEN YOUR
MOUTH IN FRONT OF THE MAN.
>> I KNOW, AND HE HEARS EVERYTHING.
HE KNOWS JUST-- HE'S THE MOST EXACTING ARTIST, THE MOST
EXACTING MUSICIAN.
BUT WHEN HE'S PLEASED, YOU KNOW YOU'VE DONE SOMETHING RIGHT,
HUH?
>> Stephen: AH, I'M WAITING.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE A
LITTLE BIT OF A BREAK.
BUT DON'T GO ANYWHERE.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH CHRISTINE BARANSKI.
MAYBE THERE WILL BE SOME SINGING?
MAYBE THERE WILL BE SOME SINGING.
♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!
WE'RE BACK HERE WITH CHRISTINE BARANSKI.
YOU ARE NOW-- WE'RE COMING INTO A NEW SEASON OF "THE GOOD
FIGHT."
WE SHOWED THE CLIP JUST NOW.
YOU HAVE PLAYED THE CHARACTER OF DIANE LOCKHART FOR 12 YEARS FOR
THIS AND "THE GOOD WIFE."
WHAT'S IT LIKE TO INHABIT A CHARACTER THAT LONG?
>> YOU'RE LOOKING AT ONE OF THE LUCKIEST ACTRESSES WHO HAS EVER
LIVED BECAUSE THEY'RE GREAT WRITERS.
AND THE GREAT THING ABOUT-- CERTAINLY ABOUT-- I MEAN, "THE
GOOD WIFE" WAS A SIMPLY GREAT SHOW.
BUT THE GREAT THING ABOUT "THE GOOD FIGHT," ALL OF THE
CHARACTERS, PARTICULARLY MINE, LIVE IN THE PRESENT TENSE.
MY CHARACTER'S A LIBERAL FEMINIST LAWYER, HIGH IDEALS--
( APPLAUSE ) AND SO FOR FOUR YEARS, WE GOT TO
WATCH A LIBERAL FEMINIST LAWYER NEGOTIATE THE TRUMP YEARS.
AND SHE HAD TRUMP DERANGEMENT SYNDROME AND WOULD BANG HER HEAD
AGAINST THE WALL OR TAKE PSILOCYBIN OR DO AKEYEDO,
ANYTHING TO TRY TO COPE WITH TRUMP.
NOW WE'RE IN POST-TRUMP,s AND NOW I'M ONE OF THE TWO NAMED
PARTNERS OF A LAW FIRM THAT'S A BLACK LAW FIRM, AND I'M THE
WHITE LAWYER.
SO THAT MAKES FOR INTERESTING CONVERSATION, TOO.
>> Stephen: I'M SURE IT DOES.
>> AND CONFLICT.
AND I'M MARRIED TO A REPUBLICAN IN THE SHOW, SO I'M NOT SURE IF
HE VOTED FOR TRUMP THE SECOND TIME.
SO THAT'S INTERESTING PILLOW TALK, TOO, ISN'T IT?
( LAUGHTER ) SO THE POINT I'M MAKING IS
IT'S-- I NEVER GET TIRED OF THE SHOW BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, LOOK
WHAT WE'RE LIVING THROUGH.
EVERY DAY IT'S SOME-- SOME, YOU KNOW, NEW NIGHTMARE.
AND IT JUST GETS -- >> Stephen: I HADN'T NOTICED.
>> I KNOW.
I THINK OF YOU OFTEN.
YOU MUST BE -- >> Stephen: HAVING A GREAT
TIME.
>> YEAH.
I MEAN, I ADMIRE WHAT YOU DID ALL THOSE FOUR YEARS.
MY GOD.
( APPLAUSE ).
>> Stephen: THAT'S VERY NICE OF YOU TO SAY THAT.
NOW, MY UNDERSTANDING-- MY UNDERSTANDING THAT YOU HAVE A
NEW CAST MEMBER THIS YEAR WHOSE NAME YOU MIGHT HAVE DROPPED ONCE
ALREADY IN THIS CONVERSATION.
MANDY PATINKIN.
TELL ME ABOUT THIS UP-AND-COMER.
>> HE'S PLAYING A RATHER CRACKPOT JUDGE WHO TAKES IT UPON
HIMSELF TO CREATE A KANGAROO COURT AND IT'S A ROLE THAT HE'S
SO PERFECT FOR.
AND HE'S WITH US ALMOST THE WHOLE SEASON.
AND IT'S FUNNY AND AUDACIOUS.
AND, YOU KNOW, IT'S-- THE GREAT THING, IN ADDITION TO MANDY,
BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, BROADWAY HAS BEEN SHUT DOWN.
WE HAVE JUST HAD OUR PICK OF THE GREATEST BROADWAY ACTORS WHO
JUST COME IN AND DO ROLES AND THEY'RE JUDGES AND THEY'RE
LAWYERS AND THEY DO CAMEOS.
UPON AND SO YOU JUST ARE LOOKING AT THE CREME DE LA CREME UPON
NEW YORK THEATER WHEN YOU WATCH OUR SHOW.
AND THAT'S, YOU KNOW, JUST-- AND IT'S BEEN AGREEMENT TO EMPLOY
THESE PEOPLE BECAUSE THEY HAVEN'T HAD A THEATER TO GO TO,
TO WORK IN.
>> Stephen: DOES HE STILL HAVE THE BEARD FROM "HOMELAND?"
>> NO, HE'S CLEAN.
>> Stephen: THAT HAD A BIBLICAL QUALITY TO IT AND I
THOUGHT IT WOULD GO NICE WITH A JUDGE.
>> HE'S BIBLICAL IN MANY WAYS.
>> Stephen: IT'S SO LOVELY TO TALK TO YOU.
IT'S ALWAYS NICE TO SEE YOU, BUT SO MUCH BETTER TO SEE YOU IN
PERSON.
WE TALKED OVER COVID, OVER THE ZOOM INTERVIEWS AND THEY'RE FUN
AND INTIMATE.
BUT ONE OF THE PROBLEMS IN TALKING OVER ZOOM YOU CAN'T SING
OVER ZOOM.
>> NO, YOU CAN'T.
>> Stephen: YOU CAN'T GET THE RHYTHM TOGETHER.
YOU CAN'T STAY IN THE SAME TIME.
( APPLAUSE ) BUT WE TRIED-- WE THOUGHT ABOUT
TRYING TO SING A LITTLE SONDHEIM TOGETHER OVER ZOOM, AND SINCE
WE'RE BACK TOGETHER, I'D LIKE TO TRY IT AGAIN
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WOULD YOU-- COULD WE... WE HAVE
BOTH DONE "COMPANY."
>> WELL, YOU KNOW, THIS COULD BE A HISTORIC MOMENT BECAUSE WE
COULD BE THE FIRST TWO PERFORMERS SINCE BROADWAY WENT
DARK WHO ARE GOING TO SING SONDHEIM.
WE'RE THE FIRST-- ( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: THIS-- THIS COULD BE-- WE SHOULD NAIL THIS-- MAIL
THIS PERFORMANCE TO THE SMITHSONIAN RIGHT AWAY AWAY.
>> EXACTLY.
JON, GIVE ME A LITTLE SONDHEIM IN "D."
♪ ♪ ♪ >> ♪ ISN'T IT WARM?
>> ♪ ISN'T IT ROSY?
♪ SIDE BY SIDE!
BY SIDE!
♪ PORTS IN A STORM COMFY AND COZY
♪ SIDE BY SIDE!
BY SIDE!
♪ EVERYTHING SHINES HOW SWEET
♪ SIDE BY SIDE!
BY SIDE!
♪ PARALLEL LINES WHO MEET
♪ SIDE BY SIDE!
BY SIDE!
♪ YEAR AFTER YEAR OLDER AND OLDER
♪ SIDE BY SIDE!
BY SIDE!
♪ SHARING A TEAR AND LENDING A SHOULDER
♪ SIDE BY SIDE!
BY SIDE!
♪ ONE'S IMPOSSIBLE TWO IS GLOOMY
♪ GIVE ANOTHER NUMBER TO ME SIDE BY SIDE,
BY SIDE ♪ BY SIDE,
♪ BY SIDE, BY SIDE, BY SIDE, BY SIDE, BY SIDE
♪ BY SIDE, BY SIDE, BY SIDE BY SIDE BY SIDE!
BY SIDE! ♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: SEASON FIVE OF "THE GOOD FIGHT" PREMIERES TOMORROW
ON PARAMOUNT+ CHRISTINE BARANSKI, EVERYBODY!
THANK YOU, MADAME.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH A PERFORMANCE BY JOY OLADOKUN
♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE )
FROM HER ALBUM "IN DEFENSE OF MY OWN HAPPINESS," JOY OLADOKUN.
MOMMA SAYS
I'M UP TO NO GOOD AGAIN COULDN'T MAKE HER PROUD,
♪ THOUGH I DID MY BEST I FEEL LIKE A MESS
♪ I FEEL LIKE I'M STUCK IN THE WRONG SKIN
♪ I FEEL LIKE I'M SICK BUT I'M HAVING TROUBLE
SWALLOWING MY MEDICINE ♪ SUNDAY, CARRY ME,
CARRY ME DOWN TO THE WATER ♪ AND WASH ME CLEAN,
I'M STILL STRUGGLING ♪ SUNDAY, BURY ME
UNDER THE WEIGHT OF WHO ♪ YOU NEED ME TO BE
CAN'T YOU SEE I'M STRUGGLING?
♪ I KEEP GOD LOCKED IN A PICTURE FRAME
♪ SO I FEEL A LITTLE BETTER 'BOUT MY NUMBERED DAYS
♪ YEAH, I CONFESS ♪ THE QUESTIONS AND THE ANSWERS
SEEM TO THE SOUND THE SAME ♪ I'M JUST LIKE THE REST
STANDING TALL, ♪ PRETENDING NOT TO BE AFRAID
SUNDAY, CARRY ME, ♪ CARRY ME DOWN TO THE WATER
AND WASH ME CLEAN, ♪ I'M STILL STRUGGLING
SUNDAY, BURY ME ♪ UNDER THE WEIGHT OF WHO
YOU NEED ME TO BE ♪ CAN'T YOU SEE I'M STRUGGLING?
SUNDAY, COME AROUND, ♪ LIFT ME UP AGAIN
NEVER TOO PROUD ♪ FOR A HELPING HAND
I'VE BEEN FEELING DOWN ♪ CAN YOU HEAL ME NOW?
SUNDAY, COME AROUND, ♪ LIFT ME UP AGAIN
NEVER TOO PROUD ♪ FOR A HELPING HAND
I'VE BEEN FEELING DOWN ♪ CAN YOU HEAL ME NOW?
SUNDAY, CARRY ME, ♪ CARRY ME DOWN TO THE WATER
AND WASH ME CLEAN, ♪ I'M STILL STRUGGLING
SUNDAY, BURY ME ♪ UNDER THE WEIGHT OF WHO
YOU NEED ME TO BE ♪ CAN'T YOU SEE I'M STRUGGLING?
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ CAN'T YOU SEE I'M STRUGGLING?
>> Stephen: JOY OLADOKUN, EVERYBODY!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
>> Stephen: THAT'S IT FOR "THE LATE SHOW."
TUNE IN TOMORROW, AND I WILL BE SITTING DOWN WITH ROBERT
DUVALL AT HIS VIRGINIA RANCH.
JAMES CORDEN IS NEXT.
HIS GUEST IS TOM BRADY.
GOOD NIGHT.
♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE )