1 00:00:04,371 --> 00:00:07,240 > WHEN YOU ORDER AT A FAST FOOD PLACE, YOU ASSUME YOU'RE GETTING 2 00:00:07,307 --> 00:00:08,541 WHAT YOU ASK FOR. 3 00:00:08,608 --> 00:00:11,911 WELL, TWO CUSTOMERS AT SUBWAY SAY THERE IT WASN'T TUNA IN 4 00:00:11,978 --> 00:00:14,848 THEIR TUNA SANDWICH, AND THEY ARE SUING THE SANDWICH SHOP. 5 00:00:14,914 --> 00:00:17,450 A "NEW YORK TIMES" REPORTER DECIDED TO COMMISSION SOME TUNA 6 00:00:17,517 --> 00:00:18,685 TESTS. 7 00:00:18,752 --> 00:00:21,588 A MONTH LATER, THE RESULTS FOUND NO TUNA D.N.A. WAS PRESENT IN 8 00:00:21,654 --> 00:00:22,889 THE SAMPLE. 9 00:00:22,956 --> 00:00:26,993 ♪ ♪ ♪ >> AT SUBWAY, THERE'S BEEN A LOT 10 00:00:27,060 --> 00:00:29,396 OF TALK RECENTLY ABOUT WHETHER OR NOT SUBWAY TUNA SANDWICHES 11 00:00:29,462 --> 00:00:31,498 CONTAIN ANY REAL TUNA. 12 00:00:31,564 --> 00:00:36,169 WELL, AFTER 55 YEARS, IT'S FINALLY TIME TO COME CLEAN. 13 00:00:36,236 --> 00:00:40,039 HERE'S THE C.E.O. OF SUBWAY, CHARLES H. WESTIN: 14 00:00:40,106 --> 00:00:42,542 >> SUBWAY TUNA IS MADE OUT OF PEOPLE! 15 00:00:42,609 --> 00:00:45,145 ( LAUGHTER ) >> OKAY, YOU GOT US. 16 00:00:45,211 --> 00:00:47,680 SOME OF OUR SANDWICHES CONTAIN PEOPLE. 17 00:00:47,747 --> 00:00:51,885 BUT FOR A LIMITED TIME ONLY, WHEN YOU BUY ONE FOOT-LONG MAN 18 00:00:51,951 --> 00:00:55,121 SANDWICH, YOU GET ANOTHER ONE FOR 50% OFF. 19 00:00:55,188 --> 00:00:57,791 THAT'S A DEAL, REGARDLESS OF WHAT THE FILLING IS MADE OF. 20 00:00:57,857 --> 00:01:00,393 BESIDES, HUMAN MEAT WOULDN'T BE ALL THAT UPSETTING IF YOU KNEW 21 00:01:00,460 --> 00:01:03,129 THE RECIPE OF OUR CHEESE SAUCE. 22 00:01:03,196 --> 00:01:06,332 SO, COME INTO SUBWAY TODAY, AND EAT FLESH. 23 00:01:06,399 --> 00:01:08,935 >> SUBWAY TUNA IS PEOPLE! 24 00:01:11,838 --> 00:01:13,873 >> Announcer: IT'S "THE LATE SHOW" WITH STEPHEN COLBERT. 25 00:01:13,940 --> 00:01:17,677 TONIGHT: PLUS STEPHEN WELCOMES: 26 00:01:24,017 --> 00:01:27,320 CHRISTINE BARANSKI AND MUSICAL GUEST JOY OLADOKUN 27 00:01:27,387 --> 00:01:35,195 FEATURING JON BATISTE AND STAY HUMAN. 28 00:01:35,261 --> 00:01:36,729 AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER FROM NEW 29 00:01:36,796 --> 00:01:38,364 YORK CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT! 30 00:01:39,566 --> 00:01:44,537 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪ ♪ ♪ 31 00:01:44,604 --> 00:01:46,172 >> Stephen: HEY, THERE YOU GO! 32 00:01:46,239 --> 00:01:50,944 WELCOME! 33 00:01:51,010 --> 00:01:57,951 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) HEY, JON. 34 00:01:58,017 --> 00:02:00,420 HEY, ANDY, GOOD TO SEE YOU. 35 00:02:00,487 --> 00:02:01,521 WHAT'S GOING ON? 36 00:02:01,588 --> 00:02:04,924 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I LIKE THAT. 37 00:02:04,991 --> 00:02:06,659 >> Audience: STEPHEN! 38 00:02:06,726 --> 00:02:07,260 STEPHEN! 39 00:02:07,327 --> 00:02:08,161 STEPHEN! 40 00:02:08,228 --> 00:02:08,962 STEPHEN! 41 00:02:09,028 --> 00:02:09,696 STEPHEN! 42 00:02:09,762 --> 00:02:10,230 STEPHEN! 43 00:02:10,296 --> 00:02:11,331 >> Stephen: VERY NICE. 44 00:02:11,397 --> 00:02:11,764 HEY! 45 00:02:11,831 --> 00:02:17,537 NICE TO SEE YOU! 46 00:02:17,604 --> 00:02:18,738 BASICALLY PEOPLE, ATTRACTIVE, INTELLIGENT, KIND, GIVING 47 00:02:18,805 --> 00:02:19,405 PEOPLE. 48 00:02:19,472 --> 00:02:20,440 PLEASE HAVE A SEAT, EVERYBODY. 49 00:02:20,507 --> 00:02:22,108 THANK YOU SO MUCH. 50 00:02:22,175 --> 00:02:24,577 WELCOME IN HERE, OUT THERE, TO "THE LATE SHOW." 51 00:02:24,644 --> 00:02:26,079 I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. 52 00:02:26,145 --> 00:02:28,147 THE BIG NEWS TODAY-- ( APPLAUSE ) 53 00:02:28,214 --> 00:02:33,386 THE BIG NEWS TODAY IS THE BIG THING THAT DIDN'T HAPPEN 54 00:02:33,453 --> 00:02:37,223 YESTERDAY, WHEN, THANKS TO THE FILIBUSTER, SENATE DEMOCRATS' 55 00:02:37,290 --> 00:02:39,292 BIG VOTING RIGHTS BILL, THE "FOR THE PEOPLE" ACT, FAILED 50-50 ON 56 00:02:39,359 --> 00:02:42,362 STRAIGHT PARTY LINES. 57 00:02:42,428 --> 00:02:46,633 THE REPUBLICANS ( BOOING ) 58 00:02:46,699 --> 00:02:48,501 THE REPUBLICANS INSTEAD SUPPORTED THE "FOR SOME OF THE 59 00:02:48,568 --> 00:02:50,870 PEOPLE-- WE CAN'T SAY IT OUT LOUD, BUT YOU KNOW WHICH ONES WE 60 00:02:50,937 --> 00:02:52,906 MEAN-- ACT." 61 00:02:52,972 --> 00:02:56,576 ( LAUGHTER ) REPUBLICANS HAD A LOT OF STUPID 62 00:02:56,643 --> 00:03:01,214 EXPLANATIONS FOR BLOCKING THE BILL. 63 00:03:01,281 --> 00:03:04,517 BUT THE CREME DE LA DUMB CAME FROM SENATE MINORITY LEADER AND 64 00:03:04,584 --> 00:03:08,955 MAN REALIZING HE LEFT THE HOUS ( BOOING ) 65 00:03:09,022 --> 00:03:12,392 WITHOUT HIS TOP TEETH, MITCH McCONNELL. 66 00:03:12,458 --> 00:03:16,229 BEFORE THE VOTE, McCONNELL EXPLAINED WHY OUR COMPLETELY 67 00:03:16,296 --> 00:03:24,504 DYSFUNCTIONAL SENATE IS ACTUALLY FUNCTIONAL. 68 00:03:24,571 --> 00:03:26,573 >> THE SENATE IS ONLY AN OBSTACLE WHEN THE POLICY IS 69 00:03:26,639 --> 00:03:28,641 FLAWED AND THE PROCESS IS ROTTEN. 70 00:03:28,708 --> 00:03:30,843 AND THAT'S EXACTLY WHY THIS BODY EXISTS. 71 00:03:30,910 --> 00:03:33,613 TODAY, THE SENATE'S GOING TO FULFILL OUR FOUNDING PURPOSE. 72 00:03:33,680 --> 00:03:35,348 >> Stephen: YES, THE SENATE'S FOUNDING PURPOSE: TO DO 73 00:03:35,415 --> 00:03:37,550 NOTHING. 74 00:03:37,617 --> 00:03:39,819 ( LAUGHTER ) IT'S RIGHT THERE IN ARTICLE 1: 75 00:03:39,886 --> 00:03:43,456 "ALL LEGISLATIVE POWERS HEREIN GRANTED SHALL BE VESTED IN A 76 00:03:43,523 --> 00:03:46,926 CONGRESS OF THE UNITED STATES, WHICH SHALL CONSIST OF A SENATE, 77 00:03:46,993 --> 00:03:49,996 WHERE ONE WIZENED, ANCIENT TURTLE-MAN, WITH NO REGARD FOR 78 00:03:50,063 --> 00:03:53,333 ANYTHING BUT THE SELF-PRESERVATION OF HIS OWN 79 00:03:53,399 --> 00:04:02,241 POWER, SHALL, WITH HIS POCKETS STUFFED WITH GREASY BAGS OF 80 00:04:02,308 --> 00:04:03,576 MONEY, STRANGLE THE HOPE OF ALL WHO DARE TO DREAM OF TRUE 81 00:04:03,643 --> 00:04:04,510 DEMOCRACY. 82 00:04:04,577 --> 00:04:06,646 AND RECOGNIZE APRIL AS NATIONAL JAZZ MONTH." 83 00:04:06,713 --> 00:04:08,047 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) CONGRATULATIONS-- 84 00:04:08,114 --> 00:04:09,749 CONGRATULATIONS ON NATIONAL JAZZ MONTH. 85 00:04:09,816 --> 00:04:11,017 THEY GOT SOMETHING DONE. 86 00:04:11,084 --> 00:04:12,518 THEY GOT SOMETHING DONE. 87 00:04:12,585 --> 00:04:13,786 DESPITE THE SETBACK, DEMOCRATIC SENATOR AMY KLOBUCHAR VOWED TO 88 00:04:13,853 --> 00:04:17,557 FIGHT ON. 89 00:04:17,624 --> 00:04:21,561 >> SO, MY REPUBLICAN COLLEAGUES, THIS IS NOT THE END OF THE LINE 90 00:04:21,628 --> 00:04:23,596 FOR THIS BILL. 91 00:04:23,663 --> 00:04:24,764 THIS IS NOT THE END OF THE LINE. 92 00:04:24,831 --> 00:04:25,431 >> Stephen: AND THANKS TO REPUBLICANS, THAT'S SOMETHING A 93 00:04:25,498 --> 00:04:26,966 LOT OF VOTERS WILL BE HEARING. 94 00:04:27,033 --> 00:04:29,135 "THIS IS NOT THE END OF THE LINE. 95 00:04:29,202 --> 00:04:30,203 THIS IS THE BEGINNING. 96 00:04:30,269 --> 00:04:33,272 THE LINE STRETCHES AROUND THE NEXT THREE BLOCKS. 97 00:04:33,339 --> 00:04:35,675 ALSO, NO ONE IS ALLOWED TO GIVE YOU WATER. 98 00:04:35,742 --> 00:04:40,046 IF YOU BROUGHT YOUR OWN WATER, YOU SHOULD KNOW THERE IS NO 99 00:04:40,113 --> 00:04:48,688 PLACE TO PEE, UNTIL YOU FINISH YOUR BOTTLE OF WATER. 100 00:04:48,755 --> 00:04:51,724 OVER-- THAT SUNK IN. 101 00:04:51,791 --> 00:04:53,326 OVER IN THE JUDICIAL BRANCH, THE SUPREME COURT IS ISSUING A 102 00:04:53,393 --> 00:04:55,461 FLURRY OF DECISIONS BEFORE THEIR SUMMER BREAK-- THEY'VE 103 00:04:55,528 --> 00:04:57,230 BEEN WORKING HARD TO FIT INTO THEIR BEACH ROBES. 104 00:04:57,296 --> 00:05:00,566 TODAY, THE COURT RULED IN FAVOR OF A PENNSYLVANIA HIGH SCHOOL 105 00:05:00,633 --> 00:05:03,670 CHEERLEADER, WHOSE SCHOOL KICKED HER OFF THE J.V. CHEER SQUAD 106 00:05:03,736 --> 00:05:07,273 AFTER SHE FAILED TO MAKE THE VARSITY TEAM AND THEN POSTED A 107 00:05:07,340 --> 00:05:10,076 SNAPCHAT RANT SHOWING HER AND HER FRIEND HOLDING UP THEIR 108 00:05:10,143 --> 00:05:13,713 MIDDLE FINGERS WITH THE CAPTION "(BLEEP) SCHOOL, (BLEEP) 109 00:05:13,780 --> 00:05:17,350 SOFTBALL, (BLEEP), CHEER, (BLEEP) EVERYTHING." 110 00:05:17,417 --> 00:05:19,118 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I CAN-- 111 00:05:19,185 --> 00:05:21,287 ( APPLAUSE ) I STRUCK A CHORD. 112 00:05:21,354 --> 00:05:23,256 THAT STRUCK A CHORD. 113 00:05:23,322 --> 00:05:27,827 I CAN SEE WHY THEY MIGHT HAVE THOUGHT THE GIRLS DIDN'T HAVE 114 00:05:27,894 --> 00:05:33,533 THE MOST POSITIVE ATTITUDE FOR THE CHEER SQUAD. 115 00:05:33,599 --> 00:05:35,101 "THIS TEAM SUCKS, YOU DUMB CUCKS, 116 00:05:35,168 --> 00:05:38,771 BIIIITE MY ASS!" ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 117 00:05:38,838 --> 00:05:39,439 THANK YOU. 118 00:05:39,505 --> 00:05:40,273 THANK YOU. 119 00:05:40,339 --> 00:05:43,109 I'VE BEEN WORKING ON IT. 120 00:05:43,176 --> 00:05:44,243 SQUATS. 121 00:05:44,310 --> 00:05:45,912 THE COURT RULED THAT SHE COULDN'T BE PUNISHED BECAUSE HER 122 00:05:45,978 --> 00:05:47,880 SNAPCHAT WASN'T ON SCHOOL GROUNDS. 123 00:05:47,947 --> 00:05:53,152 THE RULING WAS 8-1, WITH THE LONE HOLDOUT, CLARENCE THOMAS, 124 00:05:53,219 --> 00:05:57,890 WHO LATER ISSUED A SCATHING DISSENT ON SNAPCHAT. 125 00:05:57,957 --> 00:06:01,127 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 126 00:06:01,194 --> 00:06:01,928 YEAH. 127 00:06:01,994 --> 00:06:03,629 THAT WAS-- THAT'S TRUE. 128 00:06:03,696 --> 00:06:04,597 THAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED. 129 00:06:04,664 --> 00:06:07,533 THAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED. 130 00:06:07,600 --> 00:06:10,103 HOLD ON! 131 00:06:10,169 --> 00:06:13,539 I'M BEING TOLD WE'RE GETTING BREAKING NEWS ON THE NEW YORK 132 00:06:13,606 --> 00:06:16,209 CITY MAYORAL ELECTION. 133 00:06:16,275 --> 00:06:19,145 IN THE DEMOCRATIC PRIMARY, WITH 84% OF PRECINCTS REPORTING, "THE 134 00:06:19,212 --> 00:06:26,552 LATE SHOW" IS READY TO PROJECT THAT NO ONE KNOWS ANYTHING. 135 00:06:26,619 --> 00:06:31,390 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ZILCH. 136 00:06:31,457 --> 00:06:33,693 SO FAR, BROOKLYN BOROUGH PRESIDENT ERIC ADAMS IS IN THE 137 00:06:33,760 --> 00:06:35,762 LEAD. 138 00:06:35,828 --> 00:06:40,433 BUT HE DID NOT GET 50% OF THE VOTE, SO IT'S ANYONE'S GUESS 139 00:06:40,500 --> 00:06:44,704 WHO'S GOING TO WIN IN THE END. 140 00:06:44,771 --> 00:06:46,105 ONE PERSON HAS ALREADY VOTED HIMSELF OFF THE ISLAND OF 141 00:06:46,172 --> 00:06:48,040 MANHATTAN: FORMER PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE AND MAN WHO IS GOING 142 00:06:48,107 --> 00:06:52,545 TO GIVE YOU A GREAT DEAL ON THIS AMERICAN FLAG, ANDREW YANG. 143 00:06:52,612 --> 00:06:54,580 LAST NIGHT, YANG CONCEDED THE RACE. 144 00:06:54,647 --> 00:06:56,616 THIS HAS GOT TO BE A DISAPPOINTMENT, BECAUSE YANG 145 00:06:56,682 --> 00:06:59,285 STARTED STRONG, BUT IN THE END, HE WAS BETRAYED BY HIS LONGTIME 146 00:06:59,352 --> 00:07:03,823 FRIEND: MATH. 147 00:07:03,890 --> 00:07:05,124 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 148 00:07:05,191 --> 00:07:05,958 GOTTA STING. 149 00:07:06,025 --> 00:07:06,893 THAT'S GOTTA STING. 150 00:07:06,959 --> 00:07:09,162 >> Jon: YEAH! 151 00:07:09,228 --> 00:07:12,665 GOT HIM GOOD! 152 00:07:12,732 --> 00:07:14,767 >> Stephen: AS NEW YORK GETS BACK TO NORMAL, MORE NEW YORKERS 153 00:07:14,834 --> 00:07:18,337 ARE LOOKING TO GET STRANGE, WHICH IS WHY THIS WEEK, THE NEW 154 00:07:18,404 --> 00:07:22,275 YORK CITY DEPARTMENT OF HEALTH UPDATED THEIR GUIDELINES FOR 155 00:07:22,341 --> 00:07:30,116 SAFER SEX AND COVID, INCLUDING ADVICE ON HOW TO MAKE IT KINKY-- 156 00:07:30,183 --> 00:07:35,421 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) OOOOH, YEAH! 157 00:07:35,488 --> 00:07:39,525 BECAUSE NOTHING SAYS "KINKY" LIKE "CITY GUIDELINES." 158 00:07:39,592 --> 00:07:43,529 "OOH, BABY, I'M GONNA BACK MY CAR RIGHT UP TO YOUR LOADING 159 00:07:43,596 --> 00:07:48,434 ZONE, (WHISPERS) EXCEPT TUESDAYS FROM 11:00 TO 4:00. 160 00:07:48,501 --> 00:07:51,637 HEY, BABY, HEY, BABY YOU WANNA BRING SOMEBODY ELSE IN 161 00:07:51,704 --> 00:07:55,041 HERE AND PARK THIS THING ON ALTERNATE SIDES?" 162 00:07:55,107 --> 00:07:59,879 ( LAUGHTER ) ONE OF THEIR SUGGESTIONS IS TO 163 00:07:59,946 --> 00:08:04,817 MAINTAIN SOME SOCIAL DISTANCE BY "BEING CREATIVE WITH SEXUAL 164 00:08:04,884 --> 00:08:07,220 POSITIONS AND PHYSICAL BARRIERS, LIKE WALLS." 165 00:08:07,286 --> 00:08:16,762 ( LAUGHTER ) FIRST OF ALL, IF YOU'RE ABLE TO 166 00:08:16,829 --> 00:08:19,732 HAVE SEX AROUND A WALL, CONGRATULATIONS. 167 00:08:19,799 --> 00:08:22,134 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 168 00:08:22,201 --> 00:08:29,642 ( CHEERING ) A DOG LEG THERE. 169 00:08:29,709 --> 00:08:32,078 AND IF YOU ARE USING A SEX WALL, MAKE SURE THERE IS A STUD EVERY 170 00:08:32,144 --> 00:08:34,513 18 INCHES. 171 00:08:34,580 --> 00:08:39,952 ( LAUGHTER ) THE CITY ALSO EMPHASIZE THAT YOU 172 00:08:40,019 --> 00:08:43,055 GET VACCINATED IF YOU ATTEND SEX PARTIES, HAVE GROUP SEX, OR SEX 173 00:08:43,122 --> 00:08:47,159 WITH PEOPLE YOU DO NOT KNOW-- ALSO, IF YOU WANT TO DO NON-SEX 174 00:08:47,226 --> 00:08:49,629 STUFF, LIKE GO TO THE MOVIES. 175 00:08:49,695 --> 00:08:52,899 SOME OF US WOULD RATHER "SEE" F9 WITH PEOPLE, THAN GO TO A 176 00:08:52,965 --> 00:08:58,604 PARTY AND "EFF" NINE PEOPLE. 177 00:08:58,671 --> 00:08:59,105 THAT'S GOOD. 178 00:08:59,171 --> 00:09:00,039 I WANT TO SEE THAT. 179 00:09:00,106 --> 00:09:02,642 I WANT TO SEE THAT. 180 00:09:02,708 --> 00:09:06,512 BUT IF YOU ARE GOING TO A SEX PARTY-- AND I DON'T KNOW HOW 181 00:09:06,579 --> 00:09:09,248 MANY OF YOU ARE-- THEY MAKE IT CLEAR: PICK LARGER, 182 00:09:09,315 --> 00:09:13,052 MORE OPEN AND WELL-VENTILATED SPACES. 183 00:09:13,119 --> 00:09:14,887 WAIT A SECOND, DOES THAT MEAN THAT THERE USED TO BE SEX 184 00:09:14,954 --> 00:09:19,158 PARTIES THAT WERE POORLY VENTILATED? 185 00:09:19,225 --> 00:09:21,427 "ALL RIGHT, WE GOT 40 PEOPLE COMING OVER FOR THE FLESH PIT. 186 00:09:21,494 --> 00:09:24,463 THEY ARE ALL GOING TO BE HOT, OILED, AND SECRETING, SO SEAL 187 00:09:24,530 --> 00:09:29,235 THE WINDOWS AND JAM A TOWEL UNDER THE DOOR, BECAUSE I 188 00:09:29,302 --> 00:09:30,403 WANNA LOCK IN THE AROMA LIKE WE'RE IN A CROCK POT FULL OF 189 00:09:30,469 --> 00:09:32,939 BALLS." 190 00:09:33,005 --> 00:09:34,373 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 191 00:09:34,440 --> 00:09:38,210 THAT'S-- ♪ ♪ ♪ 192 00:09:38,277 --> 00:09:41,881 I JUST CAN'T BELIEVE-- HERE'S THE THING, JON-- AND HEAR ME OUT 193 00:09:41,948 --> 00:09:42,815 ON THIS ONE. 194 00:09:42,882 --> 00:09:44,517 EVERYONE HEAR ME OUT ON THIS ONE. 195 00:09:44,583 --> 00:09:46,519 I WAS A YOUNG MAN, A YOUNG TEENAGER. 196 00:09:46,585 --> 00:09:49,455 I HEARD STORIES AND RUMORS IN THE ADULT SEX WORLD THAT THERE 197 00:09:49,522 --> 00:09:51,924 WERE SEX PARTIES AND ORGIES AND FLESH PITSZ. 198 00:09:51,991 --> 00:09:55,227 THEN I GREW UP AND FOUND OUT THERE'S NONE OF THAT. 199 00:09:55,294 --> 00:09:56,462 ( LAUGHTER ) AT LEAST FOR ME. 200 00:09:56,529 --> 00:09:57,797 AND I'M IN SHOW BUSINESS. 201 00:09:57,863 --> 00:10:01,734 BUT THIS-- THESE GUIDELINES... 202 00:10:01,801 --> 00:10:07,740 ( LAUGHTER ) HINT TO A WORLD OF WANTON... 203 00:10:07,807 --> 00:10:09,575 ( BLEEP ) THAT I KNOW NOTHING ABOUT. 204 00:10:09,642 --> 00:10:12,712 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 205 00:10:12,778 --> 00:10:13,646 ( APPLAUSE ). 206 00:10:13,713 --> 00:10:15,581 ( CHEERING ) AND I WANT-- I'M SORRY, I 207 00:10:15,648 --> 00:10:19,418 DON'T-- I DON'T ACTUALLY BELIEVE-- I DON'T BELIEVE THAT 208 00:10:19,485 --> 00:10:20,586 THESE ARE NECESSARY. 209 00:10:20,653 --> 00:10:23,155 I ACTUALLY DON'T THINK THAT THERE ARE SEX PARTIES GOING ON 210 00:10:23,222 --> 00:10:24,223 AROUND THE CITY. 211 00:10:24,290 --> 00:10:28,094 I THINK THERE'S ONE GUY-- >> I'LL GIVE YOU MY CARD! 212 00:10:28,160 --> 00:10:29,161 >> Stephen: WHAT? 213 00:10:29,228 --> 00:10:30,396 >> I'LL GIVE YOU MY CARD. 214 00:10:30,463 --> 00:10:31,497 >> Stephen: STAND UP. 215 00:10:31,564 --> 00:10:32,832 NO, THANK YOU. 216 00:10:32,898 --> 00:10:37,103 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 217 00:10:37,169 --> 00:10:38,237 I LIKE THE HAT, THOUGH. 218 00:10:38,304 --> 00:10:39,638 I LIKE THE HAT. 219 00:10:39,705 --> 00:10:43,242 I THINK THERE'S ONE GUY AT THE CITY HEALTH DEPARTMENT WHO WANTS 220 00:10:43,309 --> 00:10:47,179 TO HAVE AN ORGY, AND HE GOES, "WHAT IF I PUT UP THE GUIDE. 221 00:10:47,246 --> 00:10:49,281 MAYBE IT WILL JUST START HAPPENING NOW." 222 00:10:49,348 --> 00:10:50,816 THAT'S MY THEORY. 223 00:10:50,883 --> 00:10:53,052 THAT'S MY THEORY. 224 00:10:53,119 --> 00:10:57,023 SPEAKING OF THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO SMELL, WE HAVE AN UPDATE 225 00:10:57,089 --> 00:11:00,226 ON FORMER PRESIDENT SCOOBY COUP. 226 00:11:00,292 --> 00:11:02,561 ( LAUGHTER ) YESTERDAY, "THE DAILY BEAST" 227 00:11:02,628 --> 00:11:05,998 REPORTED THE FORMER PRESIDENT WANTED HIS JUSTICE DEPARTMENT TO 228 00:11:06,065 --> 00:11:09,135 STOP "S.N.L." FROM TEASING HIM. 229 00:11:09,201 --> 00:11:10,236 COME ON! 230 00:11:10,302 --> 00:11:11,137 COME ON! 231 00:11:11,203 --> 00:11:16,242 ( BOOING ) NO MATTER HOW MAD HE GOT, WHO IN 232 00:11:16,308 --> 00:11:19,445 THE JUSTICE DEPARTMENT WOULD FOLLOW THAT ORDER? 233 00:11:19,512 --> 00:11:22,048 >> COULD IT BE...SATAN? 234 00:11:22,114 --> 00:11:25,918 ( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: NO, BILL BARR 235 00:11:25,985 --> 00:11:27,253 REFUSED. 236 00:11:27,319 --> 00:11:30,056 ( LAUGHTER ) YESTERDAY, THE FORMER PRESIDENT 237 00:11:30,122 --> 00:11:34,326 DENIED THE CHARGE, BUT ADDED, "I DID SAY, HOWEVER, THAT ALEC 238 00:11:34,393 --> 00:11:37,296 BALDWIN HAS NO TALENT, CERTAINLY WHEN IT COMES TO IMITATING ME. 239 00:11:37,363 --> 00:11:42,568 THE ONE WHO HAD WHAT IT TOOK WAS DARRELL HAMMOND." 240 00:11:42,635 --> 00:11:45,738 WELL, GUESS WHAT, BULDY? 241 00:11:45,805 --> 00:11:47,573 ( AS TRUMP ) "YOU DON'T NEED A GOOD 242 00:11:47,640 --> 00:11:49,942 IMPRESSION FOR PEOPLE TO LOVE IT. 243 00:11:50,009 --> 00:11:53,212 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THIS ONE I'M DOING RIGHT NOW, 244 00:11:53,279 --> 00:11:58,150 THIS ONE... I AM-- THE AM THE FIRST ONE WHO ADMIT MY 245 00:11:58,217 --> 00:11:59,919 IMPRESSION SUCKS ASS. 246 00:11:59,985 --> 00:12:02,021 AND IT WON ME A PEABODY. 247 00:12:02,088 --> 00:12:07,426 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ). 248 00:12:07,493 --> 00:12:08,494 NEVER AGAIN. 249 00:12:08,561 --> 00:12:09,428 NEVER AGAIN. 250 00:12:09,495 --> 00:12:10,362 >> Jon: NEVER AGAIN. 251 00:12:10,429 --> 00:12:11,197 >> Stephen: NEVER AGAIN. 252 00:12:11,263 --> 00:12:12,331 >> Jon: LET IT GO. 253 00:12:12,398 --> 00:12:16,135 YOU DON'T NEED IT. 254 00:12:16,202 --> 00:12:19,905 >> Stephen: IT IS POSSIBLE THE ONLY REASON HE DIDN'T SINGLE OUT 255 00:12:19,972 --> 00:12:23,943 MY IMPRESSION IS THAT IT WAS SO BAD, HE DIDN'T REALIZE I WAS 256 00:12:24,009 --> 00:12:26,378 DOING HIM. 257 00:12:26,445 --> 00:12:27,480 ( AS TRUMP ) "WHY IS THAT GUY DOING HARVEY 258 00:12:27,546 --> 00:12:30,649 FIERSTEIN?" "I DON'T KNOW EITHER." 259 00:12:30,716 --> 00:12:32,818 AT LEAST EVERYONE AGREES HOW AMAZINGLY DEAD-ON MY IMPRESSION 260 00:12:32,885 --> 00:12:37,289 OF JOE BIDEN IS. 261 00:12:37,356 --> 00:12:42,394 ( AS EDWARD G. ROBINSON) "MEH, SEE, I'M JOE BIDEN, SEE? 262 00:12:42,461 --> 00:12:43,462 MEH. 263 00:12:43,529 --> 00:12:48,767 I RUN THIS TOWN, BANG, BANG." 264 00:12:48,834 --> 00:12:53,572 I'M JOKING. 265 00:12:53,639 --> 00:12:55,007 OBVIOUSLY, THAT'S ROBERT DE NIRO PLAYING JOE BIDEN. 266 00:12:55,074 --> 00:12:56,842 THE FORMER PRESIDENT THEN COMPLAINED ABOUT THE ELECTION 267 00:12:56,909 --> 00:12:58,677 AND OMINOUSLY CLOSED HIS STATEMENT HINTING AT THE QANON 268 00:12:58,744 --> 00:13:01,213 CONSPIRACY THEORY THAT HE WILL BE REINSTATED WITH THIS RHYME: 269 00:13:01,280 --> 00:13:06,986 "2024 OR BEFORE." 270 00:13:07,052 --> 00:13:11,056 NAH ( BOOING ) 271 00:13:11,123 --> 00:13:13,292 I THINK YOU'RE 2021 AND DONE. 272 00:13:13,359 --> 00:13:17,730 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) SPEAKING-- THERE YOU GO. 273 00:13:17,796 --> 00:13:22,301 THERE YOU GO. 274 00:13:22,368 --> 00:13:25,437 SPEAKING OF THE FORMER PRESIDENT, HIS DAUGHTER AND 275 00:13:25,504 --> 00:13:29,608 SON-IN-LAW DON'T WANT TO, BECAUSE REPORTS SAY THAT 276 00:13:29,675 --> 00:13:36,048 IVANKA AND JARED KUSHNER HAVE DISTANCED THEMSELVES FROM THE 277 00:13:36,115 --> 00:13:37,116 FORMER PRESIDENT AND HIS CONSTANT COMPLAINTS. 278 00:13:37,183 --> 00:13:38,083 THAT COMPLAINT? 279 00:13:38,150 --> 00:13:39,151 ( AS TRUMP ) "WHY DOES HE GET TO DATE MY 280 00:13:39,218 --> 00:13:41,187 DAUGHTER? 281 00:13:41,253 --> 00:13:41,687 DOESN'T SEEM FAIR. 282 00:13:41,754 --> 00:13:43,756 WE'RE BOTH FAMILY." 283 00:13:43,822 --> 00:13:45,858 ( LAUGHTER ) APPARENTLY, THE FEELING IS 284 00:13:45,925 --> 00:13:49,528 SOMEWHAT MUTUAL, BECAUSE INSIDERS SAY THERE IS JEALOUSY 285 00:13:49,595 --> 00:13:50,963 FROM THE FORMER PRESIDENT ABOUT KUSHNER'S "SEVEN-FIGURE BOOK 286 00:13:51,030 --> 00:13:53,098 DEAL." 287 00:13:53,165 --> 00:13:55,534 EARLY REPORTS ARE THAT JARED'S BOOK IS GOING TO BE A LOT LIKE 288 00:13:55,601 --> 00:13:58,037 JARED: GLOSSY AND NO SPINE. 289 00:13:58,103 --> 00:14:00,739 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 290 00:14:00,806 --> 00:14:05,311 OUT WEST, CALIFORNIA IS IN THE GRIP OF A DROUGHT AND THAT'S 291 00:14:05,377 --> 00:14:08,981 CAUSING SACRAMENTO DRINKING WATER TO TASTE LIKE DIRT. 292 00:14:09,048 --> 00:14:12,418 BUT ONE CITY OFFICIALS WARNED RESIDENTS, IT MIGHT NOT TASTE 293 00:14:12,484 --> 00:14:14,753 GREAT BUT IT'S STILL SAFE TO DRINK. 294 00:14:14,820 --> 00:14:20,359 AND WAS IMMEDIATELY SUED FOR COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT BY 295 00:14:20,426 --> 00:14:20,859 MICHELOB ULTRA. 296 00:14:26,899 --> 00:14:28,033 BRACE YOURSELF. 297 00:14:28,100 --> 00:14:29,668 THERE'S SOME EARTH-SHATTERING NEWS FROM THE SANDWICH WORLD. 298 00:14:29,735 --> 00:14:32,471 A RECENT LAB ANALYSIS OF SUBWAY TUNA SANDWICHES FAILED TO 299 00:14:32,538 --> 00:14:34,306 IDENTIFY ANY TUNA D.N.A. 300 00:14:34,373 --> 00:14:37,376 YES, RESEARCHERS ARE NOW SAMPLING TUNA SALAD'S GENETIC 301 00:14:37,443 --> 00:14:39,111 FINGERPRINTS. 302 00:14:39,178 --> 00:14:44,016 YOU CAN LEARN ALL ABOUT THE HUNT FOR AQUATIC D.N.A. ON 303 00:14:44,083 --> 00:14:47,753 "SEA-S-I MIAMI"! 304 00:14:47,820 --> 00:14:49,121 AS SURPRISING AGZ THE NEWS WAS, MORE SHOCKING IS HOW THEY 305 00:14:49,188 --> 00:14:51,890 REVEALED WANT RESULTS OF THE D.N.A. TEST. 306 00:14:51,957 --> 00:15:02,134 >> YOU ARE NOT-- >> TUNA! 307 00:15:02,201 --> 00:15:06,905 WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT. 308 00:15:06,972 --> 00:15:10,743 MY GUEST IS CHRISTINE BARANSKI. 309 00:15:10,809 --> 00:15:13,012 BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, SPACE NEWS! 310 00:15:13,078 --> 00:15:13,979 STICK AROUND! 311 00:15:38,804 --> 00:15:51,650 ♪ ♪ ♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 312 00:15:51,717 --> 00:15:55,254 >> Stephen: JON BATISTE AND STAY HUMAN, EVERYBODY! 313 00:15:55,321 --> 00:16:00,025 OH, MY GOSH, I LOVE IT! 314 00:16:00,092 --> 00:16:04,096 YOU MAY NOT HAVE-- JON, YOU MAY NOT HAVE NOTICED IT, BUT THEY 315 00:16:04,163 --> 00:16:07,199 CAME BACK-- THEY CAME BACK WHEN I WAS STILL OVER THERE TALKING 316 00:16:07,266 --> 00:16:08,467 TO CHRIS AND I LOVE IT. 317 00:16:08,534 --> 00:16:13,672 I LOVE THE IDEA THAT I CAN JUST COME BACK WHEN I'M AWAY FROM THE 318 00:16:13,739 --> 00:16:16,442 DESK AND COME BACK. 319 00:16:16,508 --> 00:16:19,578 DO YOU HAVE ANY PLANS FOR THE WEEKEND? 320 00:16:19,645 --> 00:16:21,613 IT'S ONLY WEDNESDAY, HUMP DAY. 321 00:16:21,680 --> 00:16:25,084 BUT ACCORDING TO THE CITY GUIDELINES, EVERY DAY IS HUMP 322 00:16:25,150 --> 00:16:25,517 DAY. 323 00:16:25,584 --> 00:16:25,951 THANK YOU, JOE. 324 00:16:26,018 --> 00:16:27,786 THANK YOU, JOE. 325 00:16:27,853 --> 00:16:30,189 ARE YOU GIGGING ANYWHERE? 326 00:16:30,255 --> 00:16:35,094 >> Jon: I'M WRITING SOME ORKET RAL CHARTS. 327 00:16:35,160 --> 00:16:40,899 I'M PLAYING WITH THE B.S.O. I'M GOING TO RESPOND THE WEEKEND 328 00:16:40,966 --> 00:16:41,967 COMPOSING THE ORCHESTRATION. 329 00:16:42,034 --> 00:16:43,035 IT'S GOING TO BE GREAT. 330 00:16:43,102 --> 00:16:43,836 >> Stephen: WOW. 331 00:16:43,902 --> 00:16:45,037 WHEN CAN I SEE IT? 332 00:16:45,104 --> 00:16:46,638 >> Jon: YOU SHOULD COME. 333 00:16:46,705 --> 00:16:48,707 IT'S ON THE FOURTH OF JULY WEEKEND. 334 00:16:48,774 --> 00:16:49,341 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ). 335 00:16:49,408 --> 00:16:50,442 CAN YOU COME? 336 00:16:50,509 --> 00:16:51,176 IF. 337 00:16:51,243 --> 00:16:52,077 >> Stephen: I GOT-- I GOT PLANS. 338 00:16:52,144 --> 00:16:52,845 I GOT PLANS. 339 00:16:52,911 --> 00:16:53,479 >> Jon: OH, YEAH. 340 00:16:53,545 --> 00:16:55,180 >> Stephen: SORRY. 341 00:16:55,247 --> 00:16:57,516 >> Jon: I'LL RECORD IT AND I'LL SEND IT TO YOU. 342 00:16:57,583 --> 00:16:58,984 >> Stephen: OH, WOULD YOU PLEASE. 343 00:16:59,051 --> 00:17:00,152 >> Jon: YES. 344 00:17:00,219 --> 00:17:01,754 >> Stephen: I'M GOING TO HOLD YOU TO IT BECAUSE IT'S ON TV 345 00:17:01,820 --> 00:17:02,988 NJTSZ YOU'VE GOT WITNESSED. 346 00:17:03,055 --> 00:17:04,556 >> Stephen: IS IT GOING TO BE BROADCAST? 347 00:17:04,623 --> 00:17:05,724 >> Jon: YES, IT'S GOING TO BE ON TV. 348 00:17:05,791 --> 00:17:07,559 >> Stephen: THEN I'LL WATCH TV. 349 00:17:07,626 --> 00:17:08,260 >> Jon: IT IS, YEAH. 350 00:17:08,327 --> 00:17:09,361 >> Stephen: I GOT ONE OF THOSE. 351 00:17:09,428 --> 00:17:10,229 ( LAUGHTER ). 352 00:17:10,295 --> 00:17:11,196 >> Jon: I THINK YOU'RE ON ONE OF THOSE. 353 00:17:11,263 --> 00:17:12,264 >> Stephen: WHAT? 354 00:17:12,331 --> 00:17:12,931 OH, ( BLEEP ). 355 00:17:12,998 --> 00:17:15,033 LET'S DO THE SHOW. 356 00:17:15,100 --> 00:17:16,168 SORRY. 357 00:17:16,235 --> 00:17:24,076 THANK YOU FOR REMINDING ME BECAUSE I THOUGHT WE WERE JUST 358 00:17:24,143 --> 00:17:25,177 HANGING. 359 00:17:25,244 --> 00:17:26,378 FOLKS, MY MONOLOGUE CAN SOMETIMES GET A LITTLE BOGGED 360 00:17:26,445 --> 00:17:28,647 DOWN IN SERIOUS STORIES ABOUT TOXIC POLITICS, CONGRESSIONAL 361 00:17:28,714 --> 00:17:29,782 GRIDLOCK, AND SUSPECT TUNA SANDWICHES. 362 00:17:29,848 --> 00:17:31,517 SO IT'S NICE EVERY SO OFTEN TO TAKE A BREAK AND BRING YOU 363 00:17:31,583 --> 00:17:33,419 HAPPIER NEWS LIKE WE'RE LAUNCHING HELPLESS ANIMALS INTO 364 00:17:33,485 --> 00:17:35,487 SPACE AGAIN. 365 00:17:35,554 --> 00:17:37,356 AND I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT IN MY 13.8-BILLION-YEAR-OLD 366 00:17:37,423 --> 00:17:40,225 SEGMENT, "SPACE NEWS: ANIMAL EDITION!" 367 00:17:40,292 --> 00:17:53,672 ( APPLAUSE ) THE LATEST IN SPACE NEW IS THAT 368 00:17:53,739 --> 00:17:56,542 "NASA HAS SENT SQUID INTO SPACE FOR RESEARCH." 369 00:17:56,608 --> 00:17:58,010 ONE IMAGINES THEY'LL BE TESTING THE EFFECT OF COSMIC RADIATION 370 00:17:58,076 --> 00:17:58,977 ON AQUATIC LIFE FORMS. 371 00:17:59,044 --> 00:18:00,179 SHOULD BE FAIRLY SIMPLE: WE GO NOW LIVE TO THE 372 00:18:00,245 --> 00:18:01,280 INTERNATIONAL SPACE STATION. 373 00:18:01,346 --> 00:18:02,414 COMMANDER LEWIS, HOW ARE THE EXPERIMENTS ON THOSE SQUID 374 00:18:02,481 --> 00:18:09,888 GOING? 375 00:18:09,955 --> 00:18:13,125 KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK, SIR. 376 00:18:13,192 --> 00:18:16,562 NASA HAS NOT SAID WHAT THEY'RE GOING TO DO WITH THE SQUID ONCE 377 00:18:16,628 --> 00:18:18,530 THEY'VE FINISHED THEIR RESEARCH, BUT JUST IN CASE, THEY'RE 378 00:18:18,597 --> 00:18:20,632 LAUNCHING A SHIPMENT OF COCKTAIL SAUCE AND LEMON WEDGES. 379 00:18:20,699 --> 00:18:23,569 NOW, FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO HAVE ALWAYS FELT THAT SPACE JUST IS 380 00:18:23,635 --> 00:18:25,971 NOT CORPORATE ENOUGH, I'VE GOT GREAT NEWS IN MY STILL-GOING 381 00:18:26,038 --> 00:18:31,710 SEGMENT: "SPACE NEWS: CROSS-PLATFORM 382 00:18:31,777 --> 00:18:38,717 SYNERGY EDITION!" NASA ANNOUNCED A NEW BRAND 383 00:18:38,784 --> 00:18:39,785 PARTNERSHIP YESTERDAY. 384 00:18:39,852 --> 00:18:41,119 "TIDE IS DEVELOPING THE FIRST LAUNDRY DETERGENT FOR 385 00:18:41,186 --> 00:18:43,288 ASTRONAUTS' CLOTHING ON THE SPACE STATION." 386 00:18:43,355 --> 00:18:46,692 VERY IMPORTANT THAT ASTRONAUTS HAVE CLEAN CLOTHES. 387 00:18:46,758 --> 00:18:51,763 YOU WANT TO LOOK YOUR BEST WHILE YOU ARE PEEING INTO A SHOP VAC. 388 00:18:51,830 --> 00:18:54,399 ( LAUGHTER ) NOW, YOU MAY HAVE NOTICED THAT 389 00:18:54,466 --> 00:18:55,534 HEADLINE USED THE WORD "FIRST" DETERGENT. 390 00:18:55,601 --> 00:18:57,803 WE'VE BEEN SENDING PEOPLE TO SPACE FOR 60 YEARS, SO WHAT 391 00:18:57,870 --> 00:19:00,205 HAVE THEY BEEN DOING ALL THIS TIME? 392 00:19:00,272 --> 00:19:03,375 APPARENTLY-- AND I DID NOT WANT TO KNOW THIS-- "ASTRONAUTS WEAR 393 00:19:03,442 --> 00:19:06,011 THEIR UNDERWEAR, GYM CLOTHES, AND EVERYTHING ELSE UNTIL THEY 394 00:19:06,078 --> 00:19:08,547 CAN'T TAKE THE FILTH AND STINK ANYMORE." 395 00:19:08,614 --> 00:19:13,352 >> Audience: OOOH! 396 00:19:13,418 --> 00:19:16,388 >> Stephen: GOOD NEWS, COLLEGE ROOMMATES! 397 00:19:16,455 --> 00:19:18,023 YOU'VE GOT THE RIGHT STUFF. 398 00:19:18,090 --> 00:19:21,493 KEEP IN MIND, IN ORDER TO PREVENT BONE LOSS, ASTRONAUTS 399 00:19:21,560 --> 00:19:26,031 HAVE TO WORK OUT TWO HOURS A DAY, WHICH MAKES THEIR CLOTHES 400 00:19:26,098 --> 00:19:27,332 "STIFF FROM ALL THAT SWEAT," AND "THEY'RE DEEMED TOXIC." 401 00:19:27,399 --> 00:19:30,235 IN SPACE, NO ONE CAN HEAR YOU SCREAM, BUT THEY CAN SMELL YOU 402 00:19:30,302 --> 00:19:32,037 FROM A MILE AWAY. 403 00:19:32,104 --> 00:19:34,840 ( LAUGHTER ) ONCE THE CLOTHES ARE SO RANK 404 00:19:34,907 --> 00:19:38,076 THAT NO ONE CAN TAKE IT ANYMORE, THEY'RE DISPOSED OF BY BEING 405 00:19:38,143 --> 00:19:41,346 SENT TO "BURN UP IN EARTH'S ATMOSPHERE ABOARD DISCARDED 406 00:19:41,413 --> 00:19:42,548 CARGO SHIPS." 407 00:19:42,614 --> 00:19:47,753 SO REMEMBER THAT THE NEXT TIME YOU CATCH A SNOWFLAKE ON YOUR 408 00:19:47,819 --> 00:19:52,224 TONGUE: A NON-ZERO PORTION OF IT IS 409 00:19:52,291 --> 00:19:56,094 COMMANDER MIKE HOPKIN'S TIGHTY-WHITIES. 410 00:19:56,161 --> 00:19:59,464 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH CHRISTINE BARANSKI. 411 00:19:59,531 --> 00:20:00,332 ♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE ) 412 00:20:11,109 --> 00:20:24,089 ♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE ) 413 00:20:24,156 --> 00:20:27,125 >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY! 414 00:20:27,192 --> 00:20:33,999 GIVE IT UP FOR JON BATISTE AND STAY HUMAN ONE MORE TIME! 415 00:20:34,066 --> 00:20:36,902 LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW." 416 00:20:36,969 --> 00:20:41,707 FOLKS, MY GUEST TONIGHT IS THE EMMY AND TONY AWARD-WINNING 417 00:20:41,773 --> 00:20:43,041 ACTRESS YOU KNOW FROM "MAMMA MIA!," "INTO THE WOODS," 418 00:20:43,108 --> 00:20:44,443 AND "THE GOOD FIGHT." 419 00:20:44,509 --> 00:20:46,211 >> WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? 420 00:20:46,278 --> 00:20:50,248 >> I'M GETTING PAID. 421 00:20:50,315 --> 00:20:53,118 BUSINESS IS DOWN EXCEPT FOR EVERYTHING IN BANKRUPTCY. 422 00:20:53,185 --> 00:20:56,822 AND COURT DOCKETS ARE BACKLOGGED INTO NEXT YEAR. 423 00:20:56,888 --> 00:20:59,491 IF CLIENTS WANT TO PAY TO RESOLVE THEIR DIFFERENCES IN 424 00:20:59,558 --> 00:21:01,994 CRAZY COURT, WHAT'S THE DOWN SIDE? 425 00:21:02,060 --> 00:21:04,796 >> YOU'RE TREATING THIS LIKE ARBITRATION? 426 00:21:04,863 --> 00:21:05,864 >> IF WE AGREE TO BE BOUND BOY JUDGE WHACKO, THIS IS 427 00:21:05,931 --> 00:21:08,634 ARBITRATION. 428 00:21:08,700 --> 00:21:10,502 >> I DON'T UNDERSTAND ANYTHING ANYMORE. 429 00:21:10,569 --> 00:21:12,170 >> SURE, YOU DO. 430 00:21:12,237 --> 00:21:15,374 THAT'S WHY THIS IS THROWING YOU. 431 00:21:15,440 --> 00:21:20,278 WELCOME TO 2021. 432 00:21:20,345 --> 00:21:24,516 >> Stephen: PLEASE WELCOME CHRISTINE BARANSKI! 433 00:21:24,583 --> 00:21:34,593 ♪ ♪ ♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 434 00:21:34,660 --> 00:21:44,636 ♪ ♪ ♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 435 00:21:44,703 --> 00:21:53,979 ♪ ♪ ♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 436 00:21:54,046 --> 00:21:55,180 >> Stephen: OH, MY GOSH. 437 00:21:55,247 --> 00:21:56,014 >> WOW. 438 00:21:56,081 --> 00:21:56,748 >> Stephen: WOW! 439 00:21:56,815 --> 00:21:58,250 >> A LIVE ODD YEPTS. 440 00:21:58,316 --> 00:22:01,553 >> Stephen: YES. 441 00:22:01,620 --> 00:22:05,957 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WELL, IT'S LOVELY TO HAVE YOU 442 00:22:06,024 --> 00:22:09,461 HERE, AND I'M SO GLAD, IN CASE WE LOSE POWER, YOU BROUGHT YOUR 443 00:22:09,528 --> 00:22:10,262 OWN LIGHTING GRID. 444 00:22:10,328 --> 00:22:11,563 I LOVE THIS. 445 00:22:11,630 --> 00:22:13,632 IS IT NICE TO HAVE SOMETHING TO DRESS UP FOR AGAIN? 446 00:22:13,699 --> 00:22:18,770 >> I HAVEN'T BEEN THIS HIGH IN HEELS SINCE 1968. 447 00:22:18,837 --> 00:22:20,672 >> Stephen: WELCOME BACK TO BROADWAY. 448 00:22:20,739 --> 00:22:21,673 >> IT'S WONDERFUL! 449 00:22:21,740 --> 00:22:24,176 YOU MAY WONDER WHY I'M ALL DRESSED UP LIKE THIS. 450 00:22:24,242 --> 00:22:26,078 >> Stephen: WHY ARE YOU ALL DRESSED UP LIKE THIS? 451 00:22:26,144 --> 00:22:33,452 >> BECAUSE I THOUGHT, OKAY, "THE COLBERT SHOW" HAS NOW GOT AN 452 00:22:33,518 --> 00:22:36,221 AUDIENCE, AND THIS IS A HISTORIC THEATER, AND I HAVE NOT STEPPED 453 00:22:36,288 --> 00:22:39,424 FOOT IN A THEATER SINCE THE LIGHTS WENT OUT ON BROADWAY 454 00:22:39,491 --> 00:22:40,892 ON,s WHAT, OVER A YEAR AGO. 455 00:22:40,959 --> 00:22:45,630 >> Stephen: GLAD YOU COULD BE HERE TO LIGHT IT UP AGAIN. 456 00:22:45,697 --> 00:22:46,631 ( APPLAUSE ). 457 00:22:46,698 --> 00:22:48,900 >> THIS IS LIKE MY OPENING NIGHT,s MY OPENING 90. 458 00:22:48,967 --> 00:22:50,135 IT'S GREAT. 459 00:22:50,202 --> 00:22:53,638 >> Stephen: ARE YOU-- ARE YOU GOING TO SEE ANY BROADWAY SHOWS 460 00:22:53,705 --> 00:22:56,108 COMING UP? 461 00:22:56,174 --> 00:22:57,709 SPRINGSTEEN OPENS THIS-- >> I CAN'T WAIT. 462 00:22:57,776 --> 00:22:59,211 >> Stephen: OPENS THIS SATURDAY, RIGHT? 463 00:22:59,277 --> 00:23:00,278 >> I CAN'T WAIT. 464 00:23:00,345 --> 00:23:04,549 THE ONE I REALLY WANT TO SEE, THOUGH, IS "COMPANY." 465 00:23:04,616 --> 00:23:08,687 MY FRIEND, PATTY LAPONE, I WAS SUPPOSED TO SEE A PREVIEW AND 466 00:23:08,754 --> 00:23:10,856 ALL OF A SUDDEN WE SHUT EVERYTHING DOWN. 467 00:23:10,922 --> 00:23:14,993 AND YOU AND I WERE IN "COMPANY," NOT THE SAME PRODUCTION -- 468 00:23:15,060 --> 00:23:17,028 >> Stephen: NOT THE SAME PRODUCTION AND NOT THE SAME 469 00:23:17,095 --> 00:23:18,029 PART. 470 00:23:18,096 --> 00:23:18,897 ( LAUGHTER ) THOUGH I WOULD HAVE LOVED TO 471 00:23:18,964 --> 00:23:22,768 HAVE PLAYED THE STEWARDESS APRIL. 472 00:23:22,834 --> 00:23:24,770 >> THE STEWARDESS. 473 00:23:24,836 --> 00:23:27,239 >> Stephen: ALTHOUGH I COULD HAVE DONE IT. 474 00:23:27,305 --> 00:23:28,440 >> WE BOTH KNOW THAT SCORE,s AND DO YOU THINK YOUR WIFE WOULD 475 00:23:28,507 --> 00:23:31,376 MIND IF I TOOK YOU THERE ONE NIGHT AS A DATE? 476 00:23:31,443 --> 00:23:35,614 WE'D GO T SEE IT? 477 00:23:35,680 --> 00:23:38,116 >> Stephen: I'M GOING TO GO AHEAD AND SAY SHE'S FINE WITH 478 00:23:38,183 --> 00:23:38,984 IT. 479 00:23:39,050 --> 00:23:39,618 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ). 480 00:23:39,684 --> 00:23:41,119 >> NO, HERE'S WHAT I THINK. 481 00:23:41,186 --> 00:23:48,126 I SAID TO PATTI LAPONE, WHO I HAVE KNOWN FOR YEARS, I SAID, 482 00:23:48,193 --> 00:23:51,263 PATTI, WHEN THE AUDIENCE FINALLY COMES, WHEN YOU FINALLY DO YOUR 483 00:23:51,329 --> 00:23:54,032 FIRST PERFORMANCE, THAT AUDIENCE IS GOING TO STAND THERE AND 484 00:23:54,099 --> 00:23:58,170 SCREAM AND CRY BEFORE YOU EVEN-- BEFORE THE ORCHESTRA EVEN PLAYS 485 00:23:58,236 --> 00:24:02,808 THE OVERTOUR. 486 00:24:02,874 --> 00:24:06,077 WE'LL BE SO HAPPY TO SEE LIVE PERFORMANCE. 487 00:24:06,144 --> 00:24:09,714 I WANT TO BE THERE THE FIRST NIGHT. 488 00:24:09,781 --> 00:24:13,151 PATTI SAID, "CHRISTINE, I DON'T KNOW HOW I'M GOING TO GET 489 00:24:13,218 --> 00:24:14,252 THROUGH A PERFORMANCE. 490 00:24:14,319 --> 00:24:15,887 IT WILL BE SO EMOTIONAL." 491 00:24:15,954 --> 00:24:19,758 THESE PERFORMERS HAVE BEEN HOME, DOING NOTHING, FOR OVER A YEAR. 492 00:24:19,825 --> 00:24:22,727 IMAGINE BEING A PERFORMING ARTIST WHO CAN'T DO-- DANCE, 493 00:24:22,794 --> 00:24:24,496 SING, DO THAT THING THAT THEY DO. 494 00:24:24,563 --> 00:24:31,403 >> Stephen: AND NOT JUST YOUR PATTI LAPONES-- 495 00:24:31,469 --> 00:24:35,006 >> THE CHORUS, EVERYBODY HAS BEEN ON HOLD FOR SUCH A LONG 496 00:24:35,073 --> 00:24:36,174 TIME. 497 00:24:36,241 --> 00:24:37,509 SO I THINK IT'S GOING TO BE SO EMOTIONAL, SO COME WITH ME. 498 00:24:37,576 --> 00:24:38,543 >> Stephen: I WOULD LOVE TO. 499 00:24:38,610 --> 00:24:39,878 I WOULD LOVE TO. 500 00:24:39,945 --> 00:24:44,182 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ). 501 00:24:44,249 --> 00:24:49,287 >> I'M SURE YOUR WIFE WOULD LOVE TO GET YOU OUT OF THE HOUSE FOR 502 00:24:49,354 --> 00:24:50,388 ONE NIGHT ANYWAY. 503 00:24:50,455 --> 00:24:51,990 >> Stephen: SHE WAS HAPPY FOR ME TO GO TO THE THEATER. 504 00:24:52,057 --> 00:24:54,893 SHE WAS-- SHE WAS MY ONLY AUDIENCE FOR 15 MONTHS. 505 00:24:54,960 --> 00:24:58,430 >> GOD BLESS THAT WOMAN. 506 00:24:58,496 --> 00:24:59,464 ( APPLAUSE ). 507 00:24:59,531 --> 00:25:02,100 >> Stephen: YES, GOD BLESS-- GOD BLESS THAT WOMAN. 508 00:25:02,167 --> 00:25:06,404 NOW, AS YOU SAID,s WE BOTH DID "COMPANY." 509 00:25:06,471 --> 00:25:07,305 I DID IT FOR ONE WEEKEND. 510 00:25:07,372 --> 00:25:08,874 YOU DID IT FOR YEARS. 511 00:25:08,940 --> 00:25:11,276 EUF BEEN IN SEVEN-- SEVEN SONDHEIM SHOWS? 512 00:25:11,343 --> 00:25:14,246 >> THAT SOUNDS LIKE I'VE DONE SEVEN BROADWAY SHOWS. 513 00:25:14,312 --> 00:25:19,284 I'VE NOT-- I ACTUALLY NEVER DID SONDHEIM ON BROADWAY, TO MY 514 00:25:19,351 --> 00:25:20,452 GREAT REGRET. 515 00:25:20,518 --> 00:25:25,790 BUT THE FIRST ROLE I EVER DID WAS APRIL IN "COMPANY," AND 516 00:25:25,857 --> 00:25:29,194 THAT'S THE FIRST TIME I MET THE GREAT STEPHEN SONDHEIM. 517 00:25:29,261 --> 00:25:33,331 AND HE CAME BACKSTAGE AND ACTUALLY SAID SOMETHING NICE TO 518 00:25:33,398 --> 00:25:34,566 ME. 519 00:25:34,633 --> 00:25:37,502 AND WHEN I GOT HOME THAT NIGHT I KEPT THINKING, "s MY GOD, I'VE 520 00:25:37,569 --> 00:25:40,438 MET STEPHEN SONDHEIM, AND HE SAID SOMETHING NICE TO ME." 521 00:25:40,505 --> 00:25:45,277 AND I SAID TO MY THEN-BOYFRIEND, "STEPHEN SONDHEIM SAID SOMETHING 522 00:25:45,343 --> 00:25:46,177 NICE TO ME." 523 00:25:46,244 --> 00:25:48,847 AND HE SAID, "WHO'S STEPHEN SONDHEIM?" 524 00:25:48,914 --> 00:25:50,215 AND I BROKE UP WITH HIM. 525 00:25:50,282 --> 00:25:55,921 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 526 00:25:55,987 --> 00:26:00,258 HOW CAN YOU BE WITH A MAN WHO DOESN'T KNOW WHO STEPHEN 527 00:26:00,325 --> 00:26:01,493 SONDHEIM IS? 528 00:26:01,559 --> 00:26:06,131 >> Stephen: I GOT A LOVELY-- IpI GOT A LETTER FROM HIM SAYING-- 529 00:26:06,197 --> 00:26:10,769 THEY ASKED IF I WOULD DO A PARENT IN "COMPANY" AT LINCOLN 530 00:26:10,835 --> 00:26:11,436 CENTER. 531 00:26:11,503 --> 00:26:12,737 I SAID I CAN'T SING SONDHEIM. 532 00:26:12,804 --> 00:26:14,339 I SAID, "NO, THANK YOU. 533 00:26:14,406 --> 00:26:17,008 I DON'T HAVE TIME TO LEARN IT,s" OR WHATEVER. 534 00:26:17,075 --> 00:26:21,046 I GOT A LETTER FROM SONDHEIM, AND HE SAID, "I THINK YOU HAVE A 535 00:26:21,112 --> 00:26:22,347 PERFECTLY LOVELY VOICE FOR THIS PART. 536 00:26:22,414 --> 00:26:27,118 WOULD YOU PLEASE DO HARRY?" AND MY WIFE SAID NOBODY WILL 537 00:26:27,185 --> 00:26:34,259 EVER ASK YOU TO SING SONDHEIM AGAIN LET ALONE ( BLEEP )." 538 00:26:34,326 --> 00:26:35,393 I SAID I'LL DO IT. 539 00:26:35,460 --> 00:26:37,028 WERE YOU TERRIFIED AT ALL? 540 00:26:37,095 --> 00:26:38,163 >> I'M ALWAYS TERRIFIED TO DO SONDHEIM. 541 00:26:38,229 --> 00:26:44,235 I SAW YOU IN THAT, AND CONCERT VERSION-- I'VE DONE MOSTLY 542 00:26:44,302 --> 00:26:49,174 CONCERT VERSIONS OF SONDHEIM AND IT'S VERY LITTLE REHEARSAL, AND 543 00:26:49,240 --> 00:26:52,210 DOING SONDHEIM IS A HIGH-WIRE ACT. 544 00:26:52,277 --> 00:26:53,411 >> Stephen: IT'S COMPLEX. 545 00:26:53,478 --> 00:26:57,248 >> YOU EITHER KNOW THE LYRICS OR YOU DON'T, AND THE MUSIC IS 546 00:26:57,315 --> 00:26:58,116 COMPLEX. 547 00:26:58,183 --> 00:27:00,852 DP YOU MASTER IS AND DO IT-- AM I RIGHT? 548 00:27:00,919 --> 00:27:03,755 >> Stephen: MANY OF THE COURSES I'M GOING... I HAVE A TV 549 00:27:03,822 --> 00:27:04,990 SHOW. 550 00:27:05,056 --> 00:27:09,361 I DON'T HAVE BEEN TIME TO LEARN ALL THE-- BOBBY, BOBBY, BABY! 551 00:27:09,427 --> 00:27:09,694 ROBO! 552 00:27:09,761 --> 00:27:10,829 " NOPE. 553 00:27:10,895 --> 00:27:16,234 >> S.>> IT'S A HARD SCORE BUT, B IS IT REWARDING WHEN YOU 554 00:27:16,301 --> 00:27:17,369 SUCCESS. 555 00:27:17,435 --> 00:27:21,673 I HAVE THE PRIVILEGE OF DOING "SWEENEY TODD," AND "GOTHE 556 00:27:21,740 --> 00:27:26,578 WOODS" AS A MOVIE, AND I DID TWO PRODUCTIONS OF "FOLLIES," KINCH 557 00:27:26,644 --> 00:27:27,645 ROLES. 558 00:27:27,712 --> 00:27:30,982 >> Stephen: DID YOU EVER DO "SUNDAY IN THE PARK WITH 559 00:27:31,049 --> 00:27:31,950 GEORGE"? 560 00:27:32,017 --> 00:27:33,618 >> DID I DO "SUNDAY IN THE PARK WITH GEORGE?" 561 00:27:33,685 --> 00:27:36,488 I WAS IN THE ORIGINAL WORKSHOP PRODUCTION OF "SUNDAY IN THE 562 00:27:36,554 --> 00:27:39,224 PARK" WITH THE GREAT-- ( APPLAUSE ) 563 00:27:39,290 --> 00:27:43,028 THIS WAS IN 1983. 564 00:27:43,094 --> 00:27:45,697 AND WE PUT THIS TOGETHER-- WE DIDN'T KNOW WHAT IT WAS. 565 00:27:45,764 --> 00:27:49,801 WE WERE JUST LEARNING THESE LYRICS AND LEARNING THE 566 00:27:49,868 --> 00:27:52,437 INTERVALS, AND OH, MY GOD, THIS IS SO HARD. 567 00:27:52,504 --> 00:27:59,377 AND JAMES LUPINE KEPT BLOCKING US INTO DIFFERENT PARTS OF THE 568 00:27:59,444 --> 00:28:05,717 STAGE BECAUSE HE WAS TRYING TO CREATE THAT CEROT PAINTING. 569 00:28:05,784 --> 00:28:12,357 IT WAS MANDY AND BERNADETTE PETERS, AND MANDY, HIS VOICE. 570 00:28:12,424 --> 00:28:13,658 AND WE LEARNED IT. 571 00:28:13,725 --> 00:28:14,859 WE LEARNED ALL THE MATERIAL. 572 00:28:14,926 --> 00:28:21,232 AND WHILE WE WERE PERFORMING, WE DID, LIKE, THREE NIGHTS OF-- 573 00:28:21,299 --> 00:28:23,601 DURING THE DAY, WE LEARNED THE SECOND ACT. 574 00:28:23,668 --> 00:28:25,904 STEVE HADN'T WRITTEN THE SECOND ACT YET. 575 00:28:25,970 --> 00:28:28,940 >> Stephen: HE JUST SPRUNG A WHOLE OTHER ACT OF THE SHOW ON 576 00:28:29,007 --> 00:28:30,141 YOU? 577 00:28:30,208 --> 00:28:33,044 >> HE WROTE THE SECOND ACT OF ACT, AND THEN WE REHEARSED IT 578 00:28:33,111 --> 00:28:36,915 DURING THE DAY, AND PERFORMED THE FIRST ACT AT NIGHT, AND THEN 579 00:28:36,981 --> 00:28:40,485 THE FINAL NIGHT, LIKE, THE FOURTH NIGHT, WE PUT IN THIS 580 00:28:40,552 --> 00:28:41,586 SECOND ACT. 581 00:28:41,653 --> 00:28:45,623 AND, I I MEAN, MANDY KNEW THE MUSIC. 582 00:28:45,690 --> 00:28:46,691 AND WE JUST DID IT. 583 00:28:46,758 --> 00:28:49,194 IT WAS ONE OF THE GREAT NIGHTS IN THE THEATER. 584 00:28:49,260 --> 00:28:52,797 PEOPLE WERE, LIKE, "WHAT HAVE WE JUST WITNESSED?" 585 00:28:52,864 --> 00:28:57,869 I MEAN, WE DIDN'T-- NOBODY KNEW IT WOULD WIN THE PULITZER PRIZE 586 00:28:57,936 --> 00:29:00,972 AND THAT IT WOULD BE THE GREAT-- ONE OF THE GREAT MUSICALS EVER. 587 00:29:01,039 --> 00:29:02,273 WE WERE JUST DOING IT. 588 00:29:02,340 --> 00:29:08,546 AND THEN THIS MAN NAMED MIKE NICHOLS WAS IN THE AUDIENCE ON 589 00:29:08,613 --> 00:29:12,117 THE FOURTH NIGHT AND HE SAW ME AND HE ASKED ME TO AUDITION FOR 590 00:29:12,183 --> 00:29:15,186 "THE REAL THING" WHICH WAS MY FIRST REAL BROADWAY HIT. 591 00:29:15,253 --> 00:29:16,387 IT WAS MARGE OF MAGICAL. 592 00:29:16,454 --> 00:29:17,255 A MAGICAL TIME. 593 00:29:17,322 --> 00:29:18,256 >> Stephen: WOW. 594 00:29:18,323 --> 00:29:23,695 THE FIRST TIME I HAD TO SING-- ( APPLAUSE ) 595 00:29:23,761 --> 00:29:26,831 I WAS LUCKY ENOUGH TO DO THAT ONE WEEKEND OF "COMPANY." 596 00:29:26,898 --> 00:29:31,202 AND THE FIRST TIME AND THE ONLY TIME I GOT TO REHEARSE WITH THE 597 00:29:31,269 --> 00:29:33,338 PHILHARMONIC-- >> THE PHILHARMONIC! 598 00:29:33,404 --> 00:29:37,041 >> Stephen: WE SANG WITH THE PHILHARMONIC BUT WE REHEARSED 599 00:29:37,108 --> 00:29:40,879 WITH A PIANO-- >> AND THEN YOU HEARD THE 600 00:29:40,945 --> 00:29:42,113 PHILHARMONIC. 601 00:29:42,180 --> 00:29:45,583 >> Stephen: AND I NEVER GOT TO RUN WITH THEM, AND I DID "SORRY 602 00:29:45,650 --> 00:29:48,820 GRATEFUL," JUST ME, AND I HAD NEVER SUNG WITH AN ORCHESTRA 603 00:29:48,887 --> 00:29:52,123 BEFORE AND I HAD ONE CHANCE TO DO IT BEFORE THEY SHUT THEM 604 00:29:52,190 --> 00:29:53,358 DOWN, ONE CHANCE TO DO IT. 605 00:29:53,424 --> 00:29:56,761 RIGHT BEFORE I OPENED MY MOUTH, SONDHEIM WALKED IN AND SAT IN 606 00:29:56,828 --> 00:29:58,396 THE FRONT ROW. 607 00:29:58,463 --> 00:30:02,200 THERE'S NOBODY IN LINCOLN CENTER EXCEPT HIM IN THE FRONT ROW. 608 00:30:02,267 --> 00:30:05,270 AND I'M GLAD I BROUGHT A SECOND PAIR OF PANTS WITH ME THAT 609 00:30:05,336 --> 00:30:06,171 NIGHT. 610 00:30:06,237 --> 00:30:07,872 ( LAUGHTER ) I HAVE FLOWN WITH THE 611 00:30:07,939 --> 00:30:11,075 THUNDERBIRDS,s AND THAT WAS WAY MORE TERRIFYING TO OPEN YOUR 612 00:30:11,142 --> 00:30:11,943 MOUTH IN FRONT OF THE MAN. 613 00:30:12,010 --> 00:30:14,679 >> I KNOW, AND HE HEARS EVERYTHING. 614 00:30:14,746 --> 00:30:18,016 HE KNOWS JUST-- HE'S THE MOST EXACTING ARTIST, THE MOST 615 00:30:18,082 --> 00:30:19,484 EXACTING MUSICIAN. 616 00:30:19,551 --> 00:30:23,288 BUT WHEN HE'S PLEASED, YOU KNOW YOU'VE DONE SOMETHING RIGHT, 617 00:30:23,354 --> 00:30:23,922 HUH? 618 00:30:23,988 --> 00:30:24,956 >> Stephen: AH, I'M WAITING. 619 00:30:25,023 --> 00:30:27,692 ( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE A 620 00:30:27,759 --> 00:30:28,860 LITTLE BIT OF A BREAK. 621 00:30:28,927 --> 00:30:29,961 BUT DON'T GO ANYWHERE. 622 00:30:30,028 --> 00:30:31,763 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH CHRISTINE BARANSKI. 623 00:30:31,829 --> 00:30:33,631 MAYBE THERE WILL BE SOME SINGING? 624 00:30:33,698 --> 00:30:35,233 MAYBE THERE WILL BE SOME SINGING. 625 00:30:35,300 --> 00:30:36,201 ♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE ) 626 00:30:46,811 --> 00:30:47,612 ( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY! 627 00:30:47,679 --> 00:30:49,247 WE'RE BACK HERE WITH CHRISTINE BARANSKI. 628 00:30:49,314 --> 00:30:54,519 YOU ARE NOW-- WE'RE COMING INTO A NEW SEASON OF "THE GOOD 629 00:30:54,586 --> 00:30:55,153 FIGHT." 630 00:30:55,220 --> 00:30:56,421 WE SHOWED THE CLIP JUST NOW. 631 00:30:56,487 --> 00:31:00,825 YOU HAVE PLAYED THE CHARACTER OF DIANE LOCKHART FOR 12 YEARS FOR 632 00:31:00,892 --> 00:31:02,727 THIS AND "THE GOOD WIFE." 633 00:31:02,794 --> 00:31:05,363 WHAT'S IT LIKE TO INHABIT A CHARACTER THAT LONG? 634 00:31:05,430 --> 00:31:09,767 >> YOU'RE LOOKING AT ONE OF THE LUCKIEST ACTRESSES WHO HAS EVER 635 00:31:09,834 --> 00:31:11,402 LIVED BECAUSE THEY'RE GREAT WRITERS. 636 00:31:11,469 --> 00:31:15,240 AND THE GREAT THING ABOUT-- CERTAINLY ABOUT-- I MEAN, "THE 637 00:31:15,306 --> 00:31:17,008 GOOD WIFE" WAS A SIMPLY GREAT SHOW. 638 00:31:17,075 --> 00:31:19,677 BUT THE GREAT THING ABOUT "THE GOOD FIGHT," ALL OF THE 639 00:31:19,744 --> 00:31:22,614 CHARACTERS, PARTICULARLY MINE, LIVE IN THE PRESENT TENSE. 640 00:31:22,680 --> 00:31:28,453 MY CHARACTER'S A LIBERAL FEMINIST LAWYER, HIGH IDEALS-- 641 00:31:28,519 --> 00:31:31,789 ( APPLAUSE ) AND SO FOR FOUR YEARS, WE GOT TO 642 00:31:31,856 --> 00:31:35,326 WATCH A LIBERAL FEMINIST LAWYER NEGOTIATE THE TRUMP YEARS. 643 00:31:35,393 --> 00:31:40,632 AND SHE HAD TRUMP DERANGEMENT SYNDROME AND WOULD BANG HER HEAD 644 00:31:40,698 --> 00:31:46,271 AGAINST THE WALL OR TAKE PSILOCYBIN OR DO AKEYEDO, 645 00:31:46,337 --> 00:31:48,906 ANYTHING TO TRY TO COPE WITH TRUMP. 646 00:31:48,973 --> 00:31:52,510 NOW WE'RE IN POST-TRUMP,s AND NOW I'M ONE OF THE TWO NAMED 647 00:31:52,577 --> 00:31:55,580 PARTNERS OF A LAW FIRM THAT'S A BLACK LAW FIRM, AND I'M THE 648 00:31:55,647 --> 00:31:56,581 WHITE LAWYER. 649 00:31:56,648 --> 00:32:00,785 SO THAT MAKES FOR INTERESTING CONVERSATION, TOO. 650 00:32:00,852 --> 00:32:01,419 >> Stephen: I'M SURE IT DOES. 651 00:32:01,486 --> 00:32:02,687 >> AND CONFLICT. 652 00:32:02,754 --> 00:32:06,291 AND I'M MARRIED TO A REPUBLICAN IN THE SHOW, SO I'M NOT SURE IF 653 00:32:06,357 --> 00:32:08,092 HE VOTED FOR TRUMP THE SECOND TIME. 654 00:32:08,159 --> 00:32:10,595 SO THAT'S INTERESTING PILLOW TALK, TOO, ISN'T IT? 655 00:32:10,662 --> 00:32:12,664 ( LAUGHTER ) SO THE POINT I'M MAKING IS 656 00:32:12,730 --> 00:32:18,536 IT'S-- I NEVER GET TIRED OF THE SHOW BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, LOOK 657 00:32:18,603 --> 00:32:19,904 WHAT WE'RE LIVING THROUGH. 658 00:32:19,971 --> 00:32:24,142 EVERY DAY IT'S SOME-- SOME, YOU KNOW, NEW NIGHTMARE. 659 00:32:24,208 --> 00:32:26,010 AND IT JUST GETS -- >> Stephen: I HADN'T NOTICED. 660 00:32:26,077 --> 00:32:27,178 >> I KNOW. 661 00:32:27,245 --> 00:32:28,880 I THINK OF YOU OFTEN. 662 00:32:28,946 --> 00:32:30,415 YOU MUST BE -- >> Stephen: HAVING A GREAT 663 00:32:30,481 --> 00:32:30,715 TIME. 664 00:32:30,782 --> 00:32:31,783 >> YEAH. 665 00:32:31,849 --> 00:32:34,052 I MEAN, I ADMIRE WHAT YOU DID ALL THOSE FOUR YEARS. 666 00:32:34,118 --> 00:32:34,986 MY GOD. 667 00:32:35,053 --> 00:32:36,054 MY GOD. 668 00:32:36,120 --> 00:32:37,055 ( APPLAUSE ). 669 00:32:37,121 --> 00:32:40,024 >> Stephen: THAT'S VERY NICE OF YOU TO SAY THAT. 670 00:32:40,091 --> 00:32:43,461 NOW, MY UNDERSTANDING-- MY UNDERSTANDING THAT YOU HAVE A 671 00:32:43,528 --> 00:32:46,864 NEW CAST MEMBER THIS YEAR WHOSE NAME YOU MIGHT HAVE DROPPED ONCE 672 00:32:46,931 --> 00:32:48,866 ALREADY IN THIS CONVERSATION. 673 00:32:48,933 --> 00:32:49,767 MANDY PATINKIN. 674 00:32:49,834 --> 00:32:53,604 TELL ME ABOUT THIS UP-AND-COMER. 675 00:32:53,671 --> 00:32:57,442 >> HE'S PLAYING A RATHER CRACKPOT JUDGE WHO TAKES IT UPON 676 00:32:57,508 --> 00:33:01,879 HIMSELF TO CREATE A KANGAROO COURT AND IT'S A ROLE THAT HE'S 677 00:33:01,946 --> 00:33:03,081 SO PERFECT FOR. 678 00:33:03,147 --> 00:33:05,183 AND HE'S WITH US ALMOST THE WHOLE SEASON. 679 00:33:05,249 --> 00:33:09,387 AND IT'S FUNNY AND AUDACIOUS. 680 00:33:09,454 --> 00:33:13,558 AND, YOU KNOW, IT'S-- THE GREAT THING, IN ADDITION TO MANDY, 681 00:33:13,624 --> 00:33:15,593 BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, BROADWAY HAS BEEN SHUT DOWN. 682 00:33:15,660 --> 00:33:19,163 WE HAVE JUST HAD OUR PICK OF THE GREATEST BROADWAY ACTORS WHO 683 00:33:19,230 --> 00:33:22,800 JUST COME IN AND DO ROLES AND THEY'RE JUDGES AND THEY'RE 684 00:33:22,867 --> 00:33:24,168 LAWYERS AND THEY DO CAMEOS. 685 00:33:24,235 --> 00:33:28,539 UPON AND SO YOU JUST ARE LOOKING AT THE CREME DE LA CREME UPON 686 00:33:28,606 --> 00:33:31,776 NEW YORK THEATER WHEN YOU WATCH OUR SHOW. 687 00:33:31,843 --> 00:33:34,078 AND THAT'S, YOU KNOW, JUST-- AND IT'S BEEN AGREEMENT TO EMPLOY 688 00:33:34,145 --> 00:33:37,782 THESE PEOPLE BECAUSE THEY HAVEN'T HAD A THEATER TO GO TO, 689 00:33:37,849 --> 00:33:38,916 TO WORK IN. 690 00:33:38,983 --> 00:33:42,887 >> Stephen: DOES HE STILL HAVE THE BEARD FROM "HOMELAND?" 691 00:33:42,954 --> 00:33:44,155 >> NO, HE'S CLEAN. 692 00:33:44,222 --> 00:33:47,625 >> Stephen: THAT HAD A BIBLICAL QUALITY TO IT AND I 693 00:33:47,692 --> 00:33:49,394 THOUGHT IT WOULD GO NICE WITH A JUDGE. 694 00:33:49,460 --> 00:33:51,229 >> HE'S BIBLICAL IN MANY WAYS. 695 00:33:51,295 --> 00:33:53,197 >> Stephen: IT'S SO LOVELY TO TALK TO YOU. 696 00:33:53,264 --> 00:33:56,300 IT'S ALWAYS NICE TO SEE YOU, BUT SO MUCH BETTER TO SEE YOU IN 697 00:33:56,367 --> 00:33:57,535 PERSON. 698 00:33:57,602 --> 00:34:00,304 WE TALKED OVER COVID, OVER THE ZOOM INTERVIEWS AND THEY'RE FUN 699 00:34:00,371 --> 00:34:01,472 AND INTIMATE. 700 00:34:01,539 --> 00:34:02,740 BUT ONE OF THE PROBLEMS IN TALKING OVER ZOOM YOU CAN'T SING 701 00:34:02,807 --> 00:34:03,207 OVER ZOOM. 702 00:34:03,274 --> 00:34:04,442 >> NO, YOU CAN'T. 703 00:34:04,509 --> 00:34:06,444 >> Stephen: YOU CAN'T GET THE RHYTHM TOGETHER. 704 00:34:06,511 --> 00:34:08,846 YOU CAN'T STAY IN THE SAME TIME. 705 00:34:08,913 --> 00:34:10,648 ( APPLAUSE ) BUT WE TRIED-- WE THOUGHT ABOUT 706 00:34:10,715 --> 00:34:14,852 TRYING TO SING A LITTLE SONDHEIM TOGETHER OVER ZOOM, AND SINCE 707 00:34:14,919 --> 00:34:17,688 WE'RE BACK TOGETHER, I'D LIKE TO TRY IT AGAIN 708 00:34:17,755 --> 00:34:20,625 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WOULD YOU-- COULD WE... WE HAVE 709 00:34:20,691 --> 00:34:22,293 BOTH DONE "COMPANY." 710 00:34:22,360 --> 00:34:25,229 >> WELL, YOU KNOW, THIS COULD BE A HISTORIC MOMENT BECAUSE WE 711 00:34:25,296 --> 00:34:29,767 COULD BE THE FIRST TWO PERFORMERS SINCE BROADWAY WENT 712 00:34:29,834 --> 00:34:33,671 DARK WHO ARE GOING TO SING SONDHEIM. 713 00:34:33,738 --> 00:34:35,173 WE'RE THE FIRST-- ( APPLAUSE ) 714 00:34:35,239 --> 00:34:41,212 >> Stephen: THIS-- THIS COULD BE-- WE SHOULD NAIL THIS-- MAIL 715 00:34:41,279 --> 00:34:45,049 THIS PERFORMANCE TO THE SMITHSONIAN RIGHT AWAY AWAY. 716 00:34:45,116 --> 00:34:46,851 >> EXACTLY. 717 00:34:46,918 --> 00:34:50,388 JON, GIVE ME A LITTLE SONDHEIM IN "D." 718 00:34:50,455 --> 00:34:54,392 ♪ ♪ ♪ >> ♪ ISN'T IT WARM? 719 00:34:54,459 --> 00:34:57,161 >> ♪ ISN'T IT ROSY? 720 00:34:57,228 --> 00:35:00,932 ♪ SIDE BY SIDE! 721 00:35:00,998 --> 00:35:03,401 BY SIDE! 722 00:35:03,468 --> 00:35:09,474 ♪ PORTS IN A STORM COMFY AND COZY 723 00:35:09,540 --> 00:35:11,275 ♪ SIDE BY SIDE! 724 00:35:11,342 --> 00:35:14,846 BY SIDE! 725 00:35:14,912 --> 00:35:17,815 ♪ EVERYTHING SHINES HOW SWEET 726 00:35:17,882 --> 00:35:20,418 ♪ SIDE BY SIDE! 727 00:35:20,485 --> 00:35:23,054 BY SIDE! 728 00:35:23,120 --> 00:35:29,060 ♪ PARALLEL LINES WHO MEET 729 00:35:29,126 --> 00:35:30,027 ♪ SIDE BY SIDE! 730 00:35:30,094 --> 00:35:32,463 BY SIDE! 731 00:35:32,530 --> 00:35:35,967 ♪ YEAR AFTER YEAR OLDER AND OLDER 732 00:35:36,033 --> 00:35:37,168 ♪ SIDE BY SIDE! 733 00:35:37,235 --> 00:35:39,570 BY SIDE! 734 00:35:39,637 --> 00:35:43,407 ♪ SHARING A TEAR AND LENDING A SHOULDER 735 00:35:43,474 --> 00:35:44,208 ♪ SIDE BY SIDE! 736 00:35:44,275 --> 00:35:46,544 BY SIDE! 737 00:35:46,611 --> 00:35:52,049 ♪ ONE'S IMPOSSIBLE TWO IS GLOOMY 738 00:35:52,116 --> 00:36:00,324 ♪ GIVE ANOTHER NUMBER TO ME SIDE BY SIDE, 739 00:36:00,391 --> 00:36:06,030 BY SIDE ♪ BY SIDE, 740 00:36:06,097 --> 00:36:08,666 ♪ BY SIDE, BY SIDE, BY SIDE, BY SIDE, BY SIDE 741 00:36:08,733 --> 00:36:14,772 ♪ BY SIDE, BY SIDE, BY SIDE BY SIDE BY SIDE! 742 00:36:14,839 --> 00:36:24,248 BY SIDE! ♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 743 00:36:24,315 --> 00:36:26,617 >> Stephen: SEASON FIVE OF "THE GOOD FIGHT" PREMIERES TOMORROW 744 00:36:26,684 --> 00:36:30,721 ON PARAMOUNT+ CHRISTINE BARANSKI, EVERYBODY! 745 00:36:30,788 --> 00:36:31,822 THANK YOU, MADAME. 746 00:36:31,889 --> 00:36:36,227 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH A PERFORMANCE BY JOY OLADOKUN 747 00:36:36,294 --> 00:36:36,961 ♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE ) 748 00:37:01,485 --> 00:37:06,958 FROM HER ALBUM "IN DEFENSE OF MY OWN HAPPINESS," JOY OLADOKUN. 749 00:37:20,171 --> 00:37:21,105 MOMMA SAYS 750 00:37:21,172 --> 00:37:27,778 I'M UP TO NO GOOD AGAIN COULDN'T MAKE HER PROUD, 751 00:37:27,845 --> 00:37:32,750 ♪ THOUGH I DID MY BEST I FEEL LIKE A MESS 752 00:37:32,817 --> 00:37:38,756 ♪ I FEEL LIKE I'M STUCK IN THE WRONG SKIN 753 00:37:38,823 --> 00:37:41,492 ♪ I FEEL LIKE I'M SICK BUT I'M HAVING TROUBLE 754 00:37:41,559 --> 00:37:46,163 SWALLOWING MY MEDICINE ♪ SUNDAY, CARRY ME, 755 00:37:46,230 --> 00:37:50,501 CARRY ME DOWN TO THE WATER ♪ AND WASH ME CLEAN, 756 00:37:50,568 --> 00:37:58,275 I'M STILL STRUGGLING ♪ SUNDAY, BURY ME 757 00:37:58,342 --> 00:38:01,879 UNDER THE WEIGHT OF WHO ♪ YOU NEED ME TO BE 758 00:38:01,946 --> 00:38:08,019 CAN'T YOU SEE I'M STRUGGLING? 759 00:38:08,085 --> 00:38:13,958 ♪ I KEEP GOD LOCKED IN A PICTURE FRAME 760 00:38:14,025 --> 00:38:19,163 ♪ SO I FEEL A LITTLE BETTER 'BOUT MY NUMBERED DAYS 761 00:38:19,230 --> 00:38:24,702 ♪ YEAH, I CONFESS ♪ THE QUESTIONS AND THE ANSWERS 762 00:38:24,769 --> 00:38:28,739 SEEM TO THE SOUND THE SAME ♪ I'M JUST LIKE THE REST 763 00:38:28,806 --> 00:38:34,979 STANDING TALL, ♪ PRETENDING NOT TO BE AFRAID 764 00:38:35,046 --> 00:38:39,550 SUNDAY, CARRY ME, ♪ CARRY ME DOWN TO THE WATER 765 00:38:39,617 --> 00:38:46,924 AND WASH ME CLEAN, ♪ I'M STILL STRUGGLING 766 00:38:46,991 --> 00:38:50,828 SUNDAY, BURY ME ♪ UNDER THE WEIGHT OF WHO 767 00:38:50,895 --> 00:38:59,670 YOU NEED ME TO BE ♪ CAN'T YOU SEE I'M STRUGGLING? 768 00:38:59,737 --> 00:39:02,673 SUNDAY, COME AROUND, ♪ LIFT ME UP AGAIN 769 00:39:02,740 --> 00:39:05,843 NEVER TOO PROUD ♪ FOR A HELPING HAND 770 00:39:05,910 --> 00:39:12,049 I'VE BEEN FEELING DOWN ♪ CAN YOU HEAL ME NOW? 771 00:39:12,116 --> 00:39:15,319 SUNDAY, COME AROUND, ♪ LIFT ME UP AGAIN 772 00:39:15,386 --> 00:39:18,456 NEVER TOO PROUD ♪ FOR A HELPING HAND 773 00:39:18,522 --> 00:39:24,862 I'VE BEEN FEELING DOWN ♪ CAN YOU HEAL ME NOW? 774 00:39:24,929 --> 00:39:29,166 SUNDAY, CARRY ME, ♪ CARRY ME DOWN TO THE WATER 775 00:39:29,233 --> 00:39:36,841 AND WASH ME CLEAN, ♪ I'M STILL STRUGGLING 776 00:39:36,907 --> 00:39:40,945 SUNDAY, BURY ME ♪ UNDER THE WEIGHT OF WHO 777 00:39:41,011 --> 00:39:45,816 YOU NEED ME TO BE ♪ CAN'T YOU SEE I'M STRUGGLING? 778 00:39:45,883 --> 00:39:48,586 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ 779 00:39:48,652 --> 00:39:53,491 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ CAN'T YOU SEE I'M STRUGGLING? 780 00:39:53,557 --> 00:39:55,059 >> Stephen: JOY OLADOKUN, EVERYBODY! 781 00:39:55,126 --> 00:39:55,993 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK. 782 00:40:04,135 --> 00:40:05,202 >> Stephen: THAT'S IT FOR "THE LATE SHOW." 783 00:40:05,269 --> 00:40:09,140 TUNE IN TOMORROW, AND I WILL BE SITTING DOWN WITH ROBERT 784 00:40:09,206 --> 00:40:11,342 DUVALL AT HIS VIRGINIA RANCH. 785 00:40:11,408 --> 00:40:12,643 JAMES CORDEN IS NEXT. 786 00:40:12,710 --> 00:40:14,378 HIS GUEST IS TOM BRADY. 787 00:40:14,445 --> 00:40:15,179 GOOD NIGHT. 788 00:40:15,246 --> 00:40:16,313 ♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE )