1 00:00:01,334 --> 00:00:03,203 >> THE NEW YORK CITY BOARD OF ELECTIONS THROWING THE NEW YORK 2 00:00:03,269 --> 00:00:05,138 CITY MAYORAL PRIMARY INTO CHAOS. 3 00:00:05,205 --> 00:00:08,775 THE BOARD RELEASED NEW NUMBERS SUGGESTING ERIC ADAMS' LEAD OVER 4 00:00:08,842 --> 00:00:10,310 KATHRYN GARCIA HAD NARROWED. 5 00:00:10,377 --> 00:00:14,848 >> THE CITY'S BOARD OF ELECTIONS REMOVED THOSE RESULTS FROM ITS 6 00:00:14,914 --> 00:00:18,852 WEB SITE. 7 00:00:18,918 --> 00:00:22,856 ACCORDING TO THE B.O.E., 135,000 VOTES THAT WERE PUT INTO ITS 8 00:00:22,922 --> 00:00:30,864 SYSTEM FOR TESTING PURPOSES ONLY HAD NEVER BEEN CLEARED. 9 00:00:30,930 --> 00:00:34,200 ♪ ♪ ♪ >> OOPS. 10 00:00:34,267 --> 00:00:34,801 WE COUNTED THE WRONG BALLOTS. 11 00:00:34,868 --> 00:00:37,470 ONE SECOND. 12 00:00:37,537 --> 00:00:42,642 ♪ ♪ ♪ ( LAUGHTER ) 13 00:00:42,709 --> 00:00:45,512 WAIT, THAT'S 2021'S MOST POPULAR BABY BOY NAMES. 14 00:00:45,578 --> 00:00:46,279 HOLD ON. 15 00:00:46,346 --> 00:00:52,352 ♪ ♪ ♪ OH, MAYOR? 16 00:00:52,419 --> 00:00:54,921 SORRY, THAT'S THE RANKED HITS OF JOHN MAYER. 17 00:00:54,988 --> 00:01:01,494 ♪ ♪ ♪ WRONG ENVELOPE. 18 00:01:01,561 --> 00:01:04,364 ♪ ♪ ♪ CAT ON KEYBOARD. 19 00:01:04,431 --> 00:01:08,101 ♪ ♪ ♪ SHOOT, THAT WAS MEANT FOR 20 00:01:08,168 --> 00:01:09,736 SOMEONE ELSE. 21 00:01:09,803 --> 00:01:10,103 EMBARRASSING. 22 00:01:13,640 --> 00:01:14,941 >> Announcer: IT'S "THE LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT." 23 00:01:15,008 --> 00:01:22,348 TONIGHT: PLUS, STEPHEN WELCOMES: 24 00:01:22,415 --> 00:01:28,455 HARVEY KEITEL AND COMEDIEN RANDALL OTIS 25 00:01:28,521 --> 00:01:34,360 FEATURING JON BATISTE AND STAY HUMAN. 26 00:01:34,427 --> 00:01:40,333 AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK 27 00:01:40,400 --> 00:01:42,902 CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT! 28 00:01:42,969 --> 00:01:46,606 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪ ♪ ♪ 29 00:01:46,673 --> 00:01:57,817 ( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: THERE YOU GO. 30 00:01:57,884 --> 00:02:03,690 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) FEELING GLD? 31 00:02:03,756 --> 00:02:04,090 GOOD? 32 00:02:04,157 --> 00:02:04,557 FEELING GOOD. 33 00:02:04,624 --> 00:02:05,492 LOOKING GOOD. 34 00:02:05,558 --> 00:02:06,159 I LIKE THE HAIR. 35 00:02:06,226 --> 00:02:09,429 >> Audience: STEPHEN! 36 00:02:09,496 --> 00:02:09,929 STEPHEN! 37 00:02:09,996 --> 00:02:10,497 STEPHEN. 38 00:02:10,563 --> 00:02:11,931 >> Stephen: JOE, LOUIS. 39 00:02:11,998 --> 00:02:12,732 THANKS, EVERYBODY. 40 00:02:12,799 --> 00:02:14,567 THANK YOU SO MUCH! 41 00:02:14,634 --> 00:02:17,537 THANKS SO MUCH, EVERYBODY. 42 00:02:17,604 --> 00:02:20,540 PLEASE, HAVE A SEAT. 43 00:02:20,607 --> 00:02:23,409 WELCOME, EVERYBODY, TO "THE LATE SHOW." 44 00:02:23,476 --> 00:02:24,744 I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. 45 00:02:24,811 --> 00:02:26,613 AND I HAVE GOT-- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 46 00:02:26,679 --> 00:02:29,415 FOLKS, I'M GOING TO SHOOT YOU STRAIGHT. 47 00:02:29,482 --> 00:02:32,318 I'VE GOT GOOD NEWS, AND I'VE GOT BAD NEWS. 48 00:02:32,385 --> 00:02:36,623 THE BAD NEWS IS I LIED ABOUT THE GOOD NEWS. 49 00:02:36,689 --> 00:02:39,526 AND BOTH BADS COMBINE TO BE THE WORST NEWS: BILL COSBY HAS BEEN 50 00:02:39,592 --> 00:02:41,661 RELEASED FROM PRISON AFTER HIS SEXUAL ASSAULT CONVICTION WAS 51 00:02:41,728 --> 00:02:44,330 OVERTURNED. 52 00:02:44,397 --> 00:02:47,066 ( AUDIENCE BOOING ) YEAH, I AGREE WITH YOU. 53 00:02:47,133 --> 00:02:49,636 OR TO PUT THAT ANOTHER WAY, ME TOO. 54 00:02:49,702 --> 00:02:52,972 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 55 00:02:53,039 --> 00:02:54,741 NOW, NO IDEA. 56 00:02:54,807 --> 00:03:01,814 GOT NO IDEA WHAT'S NEXT FOR COSBY. 57 00:03:01,881 --> 00:03:03,583 BUT MY GUESS IS HE'S GOING TO JOIN BILL O'REILLY AND THE 58 00:03:03,650 --> 00:03:06,152 FORMER PRESIDENT ON TOUR. 59 00:03:06,219 --> 00:03:07,320 NOW, I WANT TO BE CLEAR, THIS ISN'T AN EXONERATION, 60 00:03:07,387 --> 00:03:09,222 COSBY IS GETTING OFF ON A TECHNICALITY. 61 00:03:09,289 --> 00:03:14,160 THE RULING STEMS FROM A 2005 AGREEMENT COSBY STRUCK WITH 62 00:03:14,227 --> 00:03:16,629 THEN-PROSECUTOR, BRUCE CASTOR, WHO DECLINED TO PROSECUTE COSBY 63 00:03:16,696 --> 00:03:19,799 IN EXCHANGE FOR HIS TESTIMONY DURING A CIVIL TRIAL. 64 00:03:19,866 --> 00:03:24,037 NOW IF THE NAME BRUCE CASTOR RINGS A BELL IT'S BECAUSE HE'S 65 00:03:24,103 --> 00:03:29,475 THE SAME PARAGON OF LEGAL ETHICS WHO WENT ON TO REPRESENT 66 00:03:29,542 --> 00:03:31,411 THE FORMER PRESIDENT DURING HIS SECOND SENATE IMPEACHMENT TRIAL. 67 00:03:31,477 --> 00:03:40,887 ( AUDIENCE BOOING ) HIS BUSINESS CARDS JUST SAYS, 68 00:03:40,954 --> 00:03:45,592 "BRUCE CASTOR-- ACTUAL DEVIL'S ADVOCATE." 69 00:03:45,658 --> 00:03:54,067 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) IN OTHER NEWS, THE COUNTRY IS 70 00:03:54,133 --> 00:03:56,669 HOT AS HELL, SO AT LEAST COSBY HAS A PREVIEW OF THE AFTERLIFE. 71 00:03:56,736 --> 00:03:58,271 HERE IN NEW YORK CITY, REAL-FEEL TEMPERATURES HIT 105 72 00:03:58,338 --> 00:04:02,208 DEGREES. 73 00:04:02,275 --> 00:04:06,212 IT'S SO HOT, THE STATUE OF LIBERTY DROPPED THE TOGA. 74 00:04:06,279 --> 00:04:07,880 ( LAUGHTER ) THINGS-- 75 00:04:07,947 --> 00:04:09,649 >> Jon: OH, MY GOODNESS! 76 00:04:09,716 --> 00:04:14,087 >> Stephen: THINGS ARE EVEN HOT IN ALASKA. 77 00:04:14,153 --> 00:04:15,655 YESTERDAY, TEMPERATURES CLIMBED TO AS HIGH AS 92 DEGREES, WHICH 78 00:04:15,722 --> 00:04:18,224 MEANS THIS YEAR, THE SALMON THE GRIZZLIES ARE CATCHING IS FULLY 79 00:04:18,291 --> 00:04:19,359 COOKED. 80 00:04:19,425 --> 00:04:22,228 ( LAUGHTER ) WITH A SIDE OF VEGETABLES, 81 00:04:22,295 --> 00:04:24,330 EVIDENTLY. 82 00:04:24,397 --> 00:04:26,199 IT WAS SO HOT YESTERDAY THAT ALASKA HAD AN ICE QUAKE. 83 00:04:26,265 --> 00:04:30,203 THAT'S RIGHT, GLOBAL WARMING HAS GOTTEN SO BAD THAT WE HAVE TO 84 00:04:30,269 --> 00:04:33,673 LEARN ALL NEW DISASTERS. 85 00:04:33,740 --> 00:04:38,378 NOW WE'VE GOT ICE QUAKES, SAND RAIN, THUNDERNAMIS, LEAF HERPES, 86 00:04:38,444 --> 00:04:42,148 ( LAUGHTER ) GETTING STRANGLED BY A RAINBOW. 87 00:04:42,215 --> 00:04:44,017 THESE HIGH TEMPERATURES AND SEVERE DROUGHT CAN CAUSE 88 00:04:44,083 --> 00:04:50,189 WILDFIRES, SO CITIES ACROSS THE U.S. WEST ARE BANNING FOURTH 89 00:04:50,256 --> 00:04:51,691 OF JULY FIREWORKS. 90 00:04:51,758 --> 00:04:57,664 SO, PLEASE, IF YOU'RE IN THOSE STATES, PLEASE CELEBRATE THE 91 00:04:57,730 --> 00:04:59,732 FOURTH RESPONSIBLY: JUST USE WATER BALLOONS TO BLOW OFF YOUR 92 00:04:59,799 --> 00:05:00,800 FINGERS. 93 00:05:00,867 --> 00:05:02,168 PRESIDENT BIDEN IS ALSO TRYING TO TACKLE THE PROBLEM. 94 00:05:02,235 --> 00:05:03,703 TODAY HE MET WITH GOVERNORS FROM WESTERN STATES, AND HE ANNOUNCED 95 00:05:03,770 --> 00:05:08,808 SOME NEW TOOLS TO PREVENT WILDFIRES: 96 00:05:08,875 --> 00:05:10,176 >> NOAA HAS SATELLITE TECHNOLOGY THAT IS ABLE TO SEE FROM SPACE 97 00:05:10,243 --> 00:05:14,213 WHEN NEW FIRES START. 98 00:05:14,280 --> 00:05:18,017 THE DEPARTMENT OF ENERGY HAS A SENSOR RAY COMPUTER ANALYSIS 99 00:05:18,084 --> 00:05:21,688 CAPABILITY THAT CAN DETECT IN REALTIME THE LIGHTNING STRIKES 100 00:05:21,754 --> 00:05:22,588 THAT MIGHT SET OFF A BLAZE. 101 00:05:22,655 --> 00:05:26,192 >> Stephen: WE HAVE LIGHTNING SENSOR RAYS? 102 00:05:26,259 --> 00:05:27,326 THAT'S AWESOME! 103 00:05:27,393 --> 00:05:28,127 DO WE, BY ANY CHANCE, HAVE ANYTHING THAT CAN STOP CLIMATE 104 00:05:28,194 --> 00:05:30,196 CHANGE? 105 00:05:30,263 --> 00:05:33,666 BECAUSE I SWITCHED TO PAPER STRAWS A YEAR AGO, AND I DON'T 106 00:05:33,733 --> 00:05:34,634 THINK THEY'RE WORKING. 107 00:05:34,701 --> 00:05:42,208 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THEY COLLAPSED. 108 00:05:42,275 --> 00:05:45,511 THEY COLLAPSE. 109 00:05:45,578 --> 00:05:48,114 IT'S THE LAST DAY OF JUNE 2021, SO, NATURALLY, EVERYONE'S 110 00:05:48,181 --> 00:05:50,283 FOCUSED ON THE 2024 PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION. 111 00:05:50,349 --> 00:05:52,285 ( LAUGHTER ) I'LL CATCH YOU UP ON THE LATEST 112 00:05:52,351 --> 00:05:56,022 IN THE FIRST INSTALLMENT OF MY NEW SEGMENT: 113 00:05:56,089 --> 00:05:57,757 >> THE ROAD TO THE WHITE HOUSE? 114 00:05:57,824 --> 00:05:59,025 NO! 115 00:05:59,092 --> 00:06:03,763 THE LAST ELECTION JUST ENDED, AND IT NEARLY BROKE ME! 116 00:06:03,830 --> 00:06:06,666 I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE! 117 00:06:06,733 --> 00:06:14,240 >> Stephen: FIRST UP-- ( APPLAUSE ) 118 00:06:14,307 --> 00:06:15,508 FIRST UP, AS ALWAYS, IOWA. 119 00:06:15,575 --> 00:06:21,714 YESTERDAY, THE HAWKEYE STATE GOT AN EXPLORATORY VISIT FROM 120 00:06:21,781 --> 00:06:25,351 ARKANSAS SENATOR AND BUSINESS GIRAFFE, TOM COTTON. 121 00:06:25,418 --> 00:06:27,754 COTTON WAS THERE TO GIVE A STUMP SPEECH. 122 00:06:27,820 --> 00:06:30,289 HE SAID A BUNCH OF STUFF, PROBABLY, BUT NO ONE'S TALKING 123 00:06:30,356 --> 00:06:32,225 ABOUT THAT. 124 00:06:32,291 --> 00:06:39,499 INSTEAD, EVERYONE'S FOCUSED ON SOMETHING HE DID WITH IOWA 125 00:06:39,565 --> 00:06:40,933 SENATOR AND MAN SEEING A STRANGER SITTING ON HIS 126 00:06:41,000 --> 00:06:42,401 BIRD-FEEDING BENCH, CHUCK GRASSLEY. 127 00:06:42,468 --> 00:06:50,343 GRASSLEY, WHO IS 87 YEARS YOUNG-- BY WHICH I MEAN OLD-- 128 00:06:50,409 --> 00:06:52,145 JOINED COTTON ONSTAGE AT THE END OF THE SPEECH, AND THIS 129 00:06:52,211 --> 00:07:01,087 HAPPENED: >> ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, FIVE, 130 00:07:01,154 --> 00:07:02,355 SIX, SEVEN, EIGHT. 131 00:07:02,421 --> 00:07:06,359 >> Stephen: WELL, NOW WE KNOW WHY THE REPUBLICANS OPPOSE GUN 132 00:07:06,425 --> 00:07:07,960 CONTROL. 133 00:07:08,027 --> 00:07:08,628 BANG. 134 00:07:08,694 --> 00:07:11,731 BANG, BANG, BANG, BANG, BANG! 135 00:07:11,798 --> 00:07:19,572 IN THERE SOMEPLACE I GOT DO HAND IT TO CHUCK GRASSLEY. 136 00:07:19,639 --> 00:07:24,844 HE IS GEOFF, AND HE IS DOING A PRETTY GOOD JOB THERE. 137 00:07:24,911 --> 00:07:26,312 I CAN'T SAY THE SAME FOR TOM COTTON. 138 00:07:26,379 --> 00:07:27,647 LOOK AT THAT FORM! 139 00:07:27,713 --> 00:07:28,681 GET YOUR HEAD UP! 140 00:07:28,748 --> 00:07:29,849 TOUCHING THE GROUND WITH YOUR HAIR DOESN'T COUNT. 141 00:07:29,916 --> 00:07:30,650 TO BE FAIR, IT'S HARD TO KEEP YOUR BACK STRAIGHT WHEN YOU 142 00:07:30,716 --> 00:07:33,820 DON'T HAVE A SPINE. 143 00:07:33,886 --> 00:07:38,357 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) BUT WHEN IT-- IS THE PIANO OKAY? 144 00:07:38,424 --> 00:07:41,727 >> Jon: YOU GOTTA GET IT, GET IT! 145 00:07:41,794 --> 00:07:47,433 >> Stephen: BUT WHEN IT COMES TO NEWS-MAKING SUNSHINE TO RAISE 146 00:07:47,500 --> 00:07:54,407 YOUR PRESIDENTIAL PROFILE, COTTON WAS 147 00:07:54,473 --> 00:07:55,808 OVERSHADOWED BY SOUTH DAKOTA GOVERNOR AND BEAUTY PAGEANT 148 00:07:55,875 --> 00:07:57,476 MOM CALLING YOUR TODDLER FAT, KRISTI NOEM. 149 00:07:57,543 --> 00:07:58,611 YESTERDAY, NOEM ANNOUNCED SHE WAS SENDING NATIONAL GUARD 150 00:07:58,678 --> 00:08:01,681 TROOPS TO THE SOUTHERN BORDER. 151 00:08:01,747 --> 00:08:01,914 GOOD. 152 00:08:03,950 --> 00:08:06,385 OH, GOOD FOR TOO LONG, IMMIGRANTS HAVE 153 00:08:06,452 --> 00:08:07,620 BEEN SNEAKING IN FROM NEBRASKA! 154 00:08:07,687 --> 00:08:08,254 WHAT'S THAT? 155 00:08:08,321 --> 00:08:09,722 WHAT'S THAT? 156 00:08:09,789 --> 00:08:11,757 I'M BEING TOLD SHE SENT THEM TO THE MEXICAN BORDER. 157 00:08:11,824 --> 00:08:13,359 THE GOVERNOR OF SOUTH DAKOTA CAN DO THAT? 158 00:08:13,426 --> 00:08:15,862 IS THAT REALLY WHAT THE FOUNDERS INTENDED? 159 00:08:15,928 --> 00:08:17,964 SHE SHOULD ASK THEM. 160 00:08:18,030 --> 00:08:18,598 THEY'RE FROM SOUTH DAKOTA, TOO. 161 00:08:18,664 --> 00:08:20,099 >> HELL, NO! 162 00:08:20,166 --> 00:08:21,868 >> COME ON! 163 00:08:21,934 --> 00:08:26,339 >> KRISTI NOEM'S DUMB AS A ROCK! 164 00:08:26,405 --> 00:08:30,009 >> Stephen: BUT THE STRANGEST AND MOST UNCONSTITUTIONAL PART 165 00:08:30,076 --> 00:08:35,748 OF THIS STORY IS THAT NOEM IS PAYING FOR THE DEPLOYMENT WITH 166 00:08:35,815 --> 00:08:36,983 A PRIVATE DONATION. 167 00:08:37,049 --> 00:08:38,551 FOR THE MONEY, THE DONOR GOT A PRIVATE ARMY AND A "THIS 168 00:08:38,618 --> 00:08:39,886 AMERICAN JUNTA" TOTE BAG. 169 00:08:39,952 --> 00:08:43,189 THE PRIVATE DONATION CAME FROM TENNESSEE JUNKYARD BILLIONAIRE 170 00:08:43,256 --> 00:08:45,892 AND GUY WHO'S LATE FOR A MEETING, EVEN THOUGH HIS 171 00:08:45,958 --> 00:08:50,496 BEER GUT WAS EARLY, WILLIS JOHNSON. 172 00:08:50,563 --> 00:08:56,168 JOHNSON IS REPORTEDLY PAYING AN UNDISCLOSED SUM THROUGH HIS 173 00:08:56,235 --> 00:08:58,037 PRIVATE FOUNDATION TO SEND MORE THAN FOUR DOZEN MEMBERS OF SOUTH 174 00:08:58,104 --> 00:09:01,707 DAKOTA'S NATIONAL GUARD TO THE SOUTHERN BORDER. 175 00:09:01,774 --> 00:09:02,642 FOUR DOZEN? 176 00:09:02,708 --> 00:09:06,479 ALSO KNOWN AS THE POPULATION OF SOUTH DAKOTA. 177 00:09:06,545 --> 00:09:10,783 ( LAUGHTER ) AND IT'S NOT JUST-- SOUTH DAKOTA 178 00:09:10,850 --> 00:09:13,419 IT'S A BEAUTIFULIDATE. 179 00:09:13,486 --> 00:09:14,487 BAUTIFUL STATE. 180 00:09:14,553 --> 00:09:19,558 YOU'VE GOT THE BADLANDS, OTHERS. 181 00:09:19,625 --> 00:09:20,660 IT'SGNOT JUST COTTON AND NOEM. 182 00:09:20,726 --> 00:09:27,967 LOTS OF REPUBLICANS ARE ALREADY JOCKEYING FOR THE 2024 183 00:09:28,034 --> 00:09:29,268 PRESIDENTIAL NOMINATION. 184 00:09:29,335 --> 00:09:30,803 TO NAME A FEW, SOUTH CAROLINA SENATOR TIM SCOTT, FLORIDA 185 00:09:30,870 --> 00:09:32,772 SENATOR RICK SCOTT, AND FORMER SECRETARY OF STATE MIKE 186 00:09:32,838 --> 00:09:33,406 POMPEO. 187 00:09:33,472 --> 00:09:37,977 ( AUDIENCE BOOING ) OKAY. 188 00:09:38,044 --> 00:09:41,080 THEN YOU MIGHT ENJOY THESE NEXT JOKES. 189 00:09:41,147 --> 00:09:45,651 IN FACT, POMPEO HAS ALREADY FORMED HIS VERY OWN POLITICAL 190 00:09:45,718 --> 00:09:50,556 ACTION COMMITTEE: CHAMPION AMERICAN VALUES PAC, OR 191 00:09:50,623 --> 00:09:51,824 CAV-PAC. 192 00:09:51,891 --> 00:09:54,560 CAV-PAC IS A FAIRLY AWKWARD NAME, BUT NOT AS BAD AS WHAT 193 00:09:54,627 --> 00:09:57,997 HE'S CALLING HIS FANS AND DONORS: "THE PIPE HITTERS." 194 00:09:58,064 --> 00:09:59,966 ( LAUGHTER ) BECAUSE IF YOU THINK MIKE POMPEO 195 00:10:00,032 --> 00:10:02,902 SHOULD BE PRESIDENT, YOU ARE DEFINITELY HITTING THE PIPE. 196 00:10:02,969 --> 00:10:04,203 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 197 00:10:04,270 --> 00:10:10,009 NOW-- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 198 00:10:10,076 --> 00:10:17,083 ♪ ♪ ♪ NOW, APPARENTLY, IN THIS REGARD, 199 00:10:17,149 --> 00:10:18,718 "PIPE HITTER" IS A MILITARY TERM FOR PEOPLE IN SPECIAL OPS, BUT 200 00:10:18,784 --> 00:10:25,057 SOME FOLKS ON THE FAMOUSLY HORNY INTERNET HAD A DIFFERENT 201 00:10:25,124 --> 00:10:28,027 UNDERSTANDING OF PIPE HITTER-- A SEXY UNDERSTANDING. 202 00:10:28,094 --> 00:10:29,762 SO POMPEO SET THEM STRAIGHT BY TWEETING OUT AUDIO FROM THIS 203 00:10:29,829 --> 00:10:34,300 SPEECH: >> BEST C.I.A. OFFICER THAT I 204 00:10:34,367 --> 00:10:35,801 EVER CAME TO KNOW. 205 00:10:35,868 --> 00:10:38,537 I'D ASKED HIM ABOUT SOMEONE WHO WAS WORKING ON OUR TEAM, AND I'D 206 00:10:38,604 --> 00:10:41,340 SAY, "WHAT DO YOU THINK OF HIM?" OR, "WHAT DO YOU THINK OF HER?" 207 00:10:41,407 --> 00:10:44,010 AND HE'D SAY, "LOVE THAT GUY, PIPE HITTER." 208 00:10:44,076 --> 00:10:46,545 HE MEANT THAT PERSON GOT STUFF DONE. 209 00:10:46,612 --> 00:10:47,446 THEY WERE A GRINDER. 210 00:10:47,513 --> 00:10:50,616 THEY KEPT BANGING AWAY. 211 00:10:50,683 --> 00:10:52,418 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 212 00:10:52,485 --> 00:11:02,628 >> Stephen: SURE. 213 00:11:02,695 --> 00:11:06,632 NOT SEXUAL AT ALL-- JUST A GRINDER WHO KEEPS BANGING AWAY. 214 00:11:06,699 --> 00:11:10,069 "WHEN I SAY 'PIPE HITTER,' I'M TALKING ABOUT SOMEONE WHO'S NOT 215 00:11:10,136 --> 00:11:17,576 AFRAID TO ROLL UP HIS SLEEVES AND REALLY REACH AROUND, YOU 216 00:11:17,643 --> 00:11:18,744 KNOW, GET HIS OR HER HANDS DIRTY. 217 00:11:18,811 --> 00:11:21,781 GIVE THEM ANY HAND JOB, THEY'LL DO IT! 218 00:11:21,847 --> 00:11:24,116 JUST PULLING TOGETHER UNTIL EVERYONE'S FINISHED!" 219 00:11:24,183 --> 00:11:25,051 BUT ( LAUGHTER ) 220 00:11:25,117 --> 00:11:27,686 ( APPLAUSE ) IF YOU-- IF YOU-- HOLD ON. 221 00:11:27,753 --> 00:11:30,056 NO, NOT WORTH IT. 222 00:11:30,122 --> 00:11:37,596 BUT IF YOU HIT PIPE, POMPEO WANTS TO SEE IT. 223 00:11:37,663 --> 00:11:39,031 ON HIS WEBSITE, IT ENCOURAGES DONORS TO JOIN HIM AS A PIPE 224 00:11:39,098 --> 00:11:42,134 HITTER BY WRITING OR SENDING A VIDEO TO MIKE, WITH A HANDY 225 00:11:42,201 --> 00:11:49,341 PLACE TO RECORD YOUR PIPE HITTING IN ACTION. 226 00:11:49,408 --> 00:11:54,647 NOW, CLEARLY, IT IS OUR DUTY TO SUPPORT THIS MISSION. 227 00:11:54,713 --> 00:11:58,517 EVERYONE OUT THERE, PLEASE, SEND MIKE POMPEO A VIDEO OF YOU 228 00:11:58,584 --> 00:12:02,688 HITTING PIPE-- WHATEVER THAT MEANS TO YOU. 229 00:12:02,755 --> 00:12:09,328 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) SPEAKING OF WHICH, THERE'S A 230 00:12:09,395 --> 00:12:12,698 CONTROVERSY INVOLVING FRIEND OF THE SHOW, CNN ANCHOR AND 231 00:12:12,765 --> 00:12:16,135 CONFUSED PORK CHOP, CHRIS CUOMO. 232 00:12:16,202 --> 00:12:25,845 CUOMO RECENTLY RETWEETED SOME VIEWERS WHO HAD PRAISED HIS 233 00:12:25,911 --> 00:12:28,147 WORK ON AIR, WHICH INSPIRED A TWITTER CRITIC TO POST, "YOU'RE 234 00:12:28,214 --> 00:12:30,149 GONNA BREAK YOUR ARM, LET'S SAY, TO PUT IT IN CNN TERMS, GOING 235 00:12:30,216 --> 00:12:34,153 360 ON YOUR OWN SITUATION ROOM." 236 00:12:34,220 --> 00:12:36,856 ( LAUGHTER ) NOW, OBVIOUSLY, THAT'S A VERY 237 00:12:36,922 --> 00:12:38,691 RUDE IMPLICATION AND, OBVIOUSLY, THE SMART THING TO DO IS JUST 238 00:12:38,757 --> 00:12:40,159 IGNORE THE TROLLS. 239 00:12:40,226 --> 00:12:43,095 SO CUOMO RETWEETED THE ACCUSATION OF SELF-PLEASURING 240 00:12:43,162 --> 00:12:45,865 WITH THIS PHOTO OF HIS BICEP AND THE CAPTION, "THAT HOW THIS 241 00:12:45,931 --> 00:12:46,198 HAPPENED?! 242 00:12:46,265 --> 00:12:49,969 HAHAHAHA." 243 00:12:50,035 --> 00:12:53,639 OH, MY GOD, CHRIS! 244 00:12:53,706 --> 00:12:54,807 I KNOW YOU'RE PROUD OF YOUR BODY, EVEN THOUGH I BEAT 245 00:12:54,874 --> 00:12:56,709 YOU IN A PUSHUP CONTEST. 246 00:12:56,775 --> 00:12:58,210 BUT I'M NOT SURE YOU WANT TO IMPLY THAT THAT'S HOW YOU GOT 247 00:12:58,277 --> 00:13:01,213 THOSE MUSCLES. 248 00:13:01,280 --> 00:13:02,781 ( LAUGHTER ) ALTHOUGH, IF IT IS, YOU MUST 249 00:13:02,848 --> 00:13:05,784 HAVE TO REALLY LIMBER UP BEFORE LEG DAY. 250 00:13:05,851 --> 00:13:09,622 YOU SHOULD SEND MIKE POMPEO A VIDEO! 251 00:13:09,688 --> 00:13:11,924 WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT. 252 00:13:11,991 --> 00:13:16,061 MY GUESTS ARE HARVEY KEITEL AND COMEDIAN RANDALL OTIS. 253 00:13:16,128 --> 00:13:18,898 BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, "MEANWHILE!" 254 00:13:18,964 --> 00:13:19,765 JOIN US. 255 00:13:19,832 --> 00:13:20,799 ♪ ♪ ♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 256 00:13:57,503 --> 00:13:58,504 >> Stephen: JON BATISTE AND 257 00:13:58,571 --> 00:14:00,773 STAY HUMAN, EVERYBODY! 258 00:14:00,839 --> 00:14:14,186 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪ ♪ ♪ 259 00:14:14,253 --> 00:14:15,187 UNDECIDED. 260 00:14:15,254 --> 00:14:17,856 WE'VE GOT FOURTH OF JULY COMING UP THIS SUNDAY. 261 00:14:17,923 --> 00:14:18,390 >> Jon: THAT'S RIGHT. 262 00:14:18,457 --> 00:14:19,391 >> Stephen: I LOVE IT. 263 00:14:19,458 --> 00:14:20,259 IT'S PEAK SUMMER. 264 00:14:20,326 --> 00:14:21,160 >> Jon: THAT'S RIGHT. 265 00:14:21,227 --> 00:14:23,162 YOU GOING TO GRILL. 266 00:14:23,229 --> 00:14:24,029 >> Stephen: WHAT? 267 00:14:24,096 --> 00:14:26,532 >> Jon: YOU GOING TO GRILL SOME HOT DOGS? 268 00:14:26,599 --> 00:14:29,134 >> Stephen: I'M GOING TO TEACH SOME RIBS A LESSON. 269 00:14:29,201 --> 00:14:30,603 THEY'RE GOING TO WISH THEY NEVER MET ME. 270 00:14:30,669 --> 00:14:32,438 THIS SUNDAY. 271 00:14:32,504 --> 00:14:33,539 DO YOU HAVE ANY PLANS? 272 00:14:33,606 --> 00:14:34,974 >> Jon: I'M GOING TO TANGLEWOOD TO PLAY WITH THE 273 00:14:35,040 --> 00:14:35,841 B.S.O. 274 00:14:35,908 --> 00:14:36,375 >> Stephen: THAT'S RIGHT, THAT'S RIGHT. 275 00:14:36,442 --> 00:14:36,976 >> Jon: THIS WEEKEND. 276 00:14:37,042 --> 00:14:39,211 >> Stephen: THAT'S CLASS. 277 00:14:39,278 --> 00:14:40,479 THAT'S PURE CLASS. 278 00:14:40,546 --> 00:14:42,715 ANYBODY THERE GROW UP SOMEPLACE WHERE FIREWORKS WERE LEGAL WHEN 279 00:14:42,781 --> 00:14:44,617 YOU WERE A KID? 280 00:14:44,683 --> 00:14:45,951 SOUTH CAROLINA, TOO. 281 00:14:46,018 --> 00:14:49,088 IT WAS THE BEST REASON TO LIVE DOWN THERE. 282 00:14:49,154 --> 00:14:50,856 FIREWORKS,s CAN'T EVEN DO THAT NOW. 283 00:14:50,923 --> 00:14:54,159 THEY'VE TAKEN EVERYTHING FUN AWAY FROM US. 284 00:14:54,226 --> 00:14:56,729 OBVIOUSLY, CBS IS GOING TO CUT THIS PART OUT BECAUSE FIREWORKS 285 00:14:56,795 --> 00:14:58,230 ARE VERY DANGEROUS. 286 00:14:58,297 --> 00:14:59,164 RIGHT? 287 00:14:59,231 --> 00:15:03,535 PROBABLY NOT GOING TO MAKE IT TO AIR, RIGHT? 288 00:15:03,602 --> 00:15:06,338 WE'LL STOP ON "HIM AT TANGLEWOOD." 289 00:15:06,405 --> 00:15:09,775 THAT'S WHERE THIS WILL END, RIGHT? 290 00:15:09,842 --> 00:15:12,645 ( LAUGHTER ) REMEMBER, KIDS, DON'T USE 291 00:15:12,711 --> 00:15:13,612 FIREWORKS. 292 00:15:13,679 --> 00:15:19,151 ( LAUGHTER ) YOU KNOW, FOLKS, I'VE SPENT 293 00:15:19,218 --> 00:15:21,987 DECADES CULTIVATING THE MOST RELEVANT RED OAK, FELLING THEM 294 00:15:22,054 --> 00:15:23,856 WITH TOPICAL HUSQVARNAS, MULTI-GRADING THEM INTO THE MOST 295 00:15:23,922 --> 00:15:27,559 BUZZWORTHY THREE-QUARTER INCH FLOORSTRIPS, AND FINISHING THEM 296 00:15:27,626 --> 00:15:31,063 WITH UP-TO-THE-MINUTE HIGH-GLOSS POLYURETHANE, TO LAY FOR YOU THE 297 00:15:31,130 --> 00:15:35,567 FLAWLESS PARQUET N.B.A.-QUALITY BASKETBALL COURT THAT IS MY 298 00:15:35,634 --> 00:15:41,073 NIGHTLY MONOLOGUE. 299 00:15:41,140 --> 00:15:44,610 BUT SOMETIMES, I SCARE THE GEESE OUT OF THE BOG BEHIND MY UNCLE'S 300 00:15:44,677 --> 00:15:47,212 SHED, FILL IT WITH SAND I STOLE FROM AN ABANDONED PLAYGROUND, 301 00:15:47,279 --> 00:15:49,114 THEN BLANKET IT WITH WET TRASH AND DISCARDED AMAZON BOXES, TO 302 00:15:49,181 --> 00:15:50,716 CREATE FOR YOU THE MUSKRAT-RIDDLED BOUNCELESS 303 00:15:50,783 --> 00:15:51,750 BACKYARD WALLBALL PIT OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT: 304 00:15:51,817 --> 00:15:56,255 >> "MEANWHILE!" ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 305 00:15:56,322 --> 00:15:58,924 >> Stephen: OH, I DO DECLARE! 306 00:15:58,991 --> 00:16:01,126 I DO DECLARE. 307 00:16:01,193 --> 00:16:07,533 "MEANWHILE "HAS GAVE ME THE VAPORS. 308 00:16:07,599 --> 00:16:13,138 MEANWHILE THE BEATLES' RINGO STARR HAS DROPPED A TRADEMARK 309 00:16:13,205 --> 00:16:15,641 FIGHT OVER "RING" O SEX TOYS. 310 00:16:15,708 --> 00:16:23,649 RINGO ENDING HIS LITIGATION CLEARS THE WAY FOR ALL THE 311 00:16:23,716 --> 00:16:27,453 BEATLES THEMED SEX TOYS YOU'VE BEEN WAITING FOR, LIKE. 312 00:16:27,519 --> 00:16:30,889 THE PAUL MCCART-KNOB, THE BUTT-ISH INVASION, 313 00:16:30,956 --> 00:16:33,225 OBLA-DI OBLA-DILDO, BACK IN THE A.S.S.AHHH, 314 00:16:33,292 --> 00:16:35,694 ELEANOR'S BIG D, SERGEANT PEPPER'S ALWAYS HARD 315 00:16:35,761 --> 00:16:38,831 CLUB BAND, NORWEGIAN WOOD, 316 00:16:38,897 --> 00:16:41,767 BANG BANG MAXWELLS SILVER HAMMER, 317 00:16:41,834 --> 00:16:45,604 AND THE ONE SPECIFICALLY FOR COUPLES: COME TOGETHER. 318 00:16:45,671 --> 00:16:51,276 RIGHT NOW ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 319 00:16:51,343 --> 00:16:55,714 MEANWHILE-- SEND ALL OF THOSE TO MIKE POMPEO. 320 00:16:55,781 --> 00:16:59,718 MEANWHILE, I LIKE TO THINK OF THIS SEGMENT AS A BIT OF A BREAK 321 00:16:59,785 --> 00:17:03,188 FROM SOME OF THE FEARMONGERING AND HYSTERIA OF THE NATIONAL 322 00:17:03,255 --> 00:17:07,226 NEWS, SO TO THAT END: "RATTLESNAKES ARE EVERYWHERE!" 323 00:17:07,292 --> 00:17:10,662 APPARENTLY, CALIFORNIA IS HAVING A MAJOR RATTLESNAKE PROBLEM, 324 00:17:10,729 --> 00:17:12,331 "AN ODD CONSEQUENCE OF THE STATE'S DROUGHT," AND THE SNAKES 325 00:17:12,398 --> 00:17:16,001 ARE LOOKING FOR WATER "ON FRONT PORCHES, IN POTTED PLANTS, AND 326 00:17:16,068 --> 00:17:19,204 UNDER CHILDREN'S PLAY EQUIPMENT." 327 00:17:19,271 --> 00:17:22,241 TO BE FAIR, THE SNAKES HAD TO FIND SOMEWHERE TO GO AFTER THAT 328 00:17:22,307 --> 00:17:24,910 GUY TOLD THEM TO GET OFF HIS MOTHER (BLEEP) PLANE. 329 00:17:24,977 --> 00:17:30,416 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 330 00:17:30,482 --> 00:17:32,117 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) IT'S GOOD. 331 00:17:32,184 --> 00:17:35,721 IT'S GOOD. 332 00:17:35,788 --> 00:17:40,159 MEANWHILE, THIS WEEKEND, OLYMPIC HEPTATHLON HOPEFUL LINDSAY FLACH 333 00:17:40,225 --> 00:17:43,429 ANNOUNCED THAT SHE WOULD BE COMPETING WHILE 18 WEEKS 334 00:17:43,495 --> 00:17:45,731 PREGNANT. 335 00:17:45,798 --> 00:17:46,765 I GET IT. 336 00:17:46,832 --> 00:17:47,966 I GET IT. 337 00:17:48,033 --> 00:17:49,268 I ONCE HAD TO RUN FOR THE BUS WITH A BELLY FULL OF DORITOS. 338 00:17:49,334 --> 00:17:53,105 ( LAUGHTER ) I DIDN'T MAKE IT, BUT IT WAS 339 00:17:53,172 --> 00:17:57,743 REALLY ABOUT REPRESENTING AMERICA. 340 00:17:57,810 --> 00:18:00,245 ( LAUGHTER ) MEANWHILE, "THE WORLD'S FIRST 341 00:18:00,312 --> 00:18:03,782 ELDERLY SEX ROBOT WITH 'WRINKLES AND SILVER HAIR' HAS BEEN 342 00:18:03,849 --> 00:18:10,956 CREATED BY THE REALDOLL COMPANY." 343 00:18:11,023 --> 00:18:13,258 WELL, IT'S NICE TO SEE SAM WATERSTON GETTING SOME WORK. 344 00:18:13,325 --> 00:18:14,827 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 345 00:18:14,893 --> 00:18:19,298 MEANWHILE-- CONGRATULATIONS, SAM, FANTASTIC. 346 00:18:19,364 --> 00:18:25,070 MEANWHILE, SOME FRENCH RESIDENTS OF NEW YORK ARE FIGHTING OVER 347 00:18:25,137 --> 00:18:26,438 THE CITY TO HAVE A "LITTLE PARIS." 348 00:18:26,505 --> 00:18:27,773 PERFECT FOR EVERY NEW YORKER WHO SAID, "I LOVE THIS CITY, BUT I 349 00:18:27,840 --> 00:18:29,308 WISH THE PEOPLE WERE RUDER." 350 00:18:29,374 --> 00:18:33,912 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 351 00:18:33,979 --> 00:18:35,981 MEANWHILE, THERE'S A NEW GUINNESS WORLD RECORD AFTER 352 00:18:36,048 --> 00:18:39,785 A BRITISH MAN BROKE THE M&M STACKING RECORD. 353 00:18:39,852 --> 00:18:43,155 THAT'S GOING TO BE AWKWARD AT THE GUINNESS AWARDS LUNCHEON. 354 00:18:43,222 --> 00:18:44,423 "HELLO, I HOLD THE WORLD RECORD FOR MOST CONSECUTIVE PUSHUPS AT 355 00:18:44,490 --> 00:18:50,662 10,000." 356 00:18:50,729 --> 00:18:58,270 "OH, HI, I PUT SOME CHOCOLATE CANDIES ON TOP OF EACH OTHER." 357 00:18:58,337 --> 00:18:59,505 I'M SURE YOU ARE WONDERING HOW MANY HUNDREDS, IF NOT THOUSANDS 358 00:18:59,571 --> 00:19:06,211 OF M&Ms IT TOOK TO BREAK THIS RECORD? 359 00:19:06,278 --> 00:19:07,379 WELL, BRACE YOURSELF, BECAUSE THE NEW RECORD IS A WHOPPING 360 00:19:07,446 --> 00:19:08,914 FIVE M&Ms. 361 00:19:08,981 --> 00:19:10,749 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 362 00:19:10,816 --> 00:19:15,854 WHEN I WAS A KID, IT WAS LIKE WORLD'S FATTEST MAN. 363 00:19:15,921 --> 00:19:17,623 LONGEST FINGERNAILS. 364 00:19:17,689 --> 00:19:19,258 FIVE M&Ms. 365 00:19:19,324 --> 00:19:25,364 I ASSUME HE WAS THE FIRST GUY TO ATTEMPT THE RECORD? 366 00:19:25,430 --> 00:19:27,833 LET'S TRY THIS: I BROKE THE RECORD FOR MOST 367 00:19:27,900 --> 00:19:30,636 STAPLERS STACKED ON TOP OF A MOST STAPLERS IN A MUG! 368 00:19:30,702 --> 00:19:31,503 TWO RECORDS, PLEASE! 369 00:19:31,570 --> 00:19:33,005 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH HARVEY KEITEL. 370 00:19:33,071 --> 00:19:34,139 ♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE ) 371 00:19:52,457 --> 00:19:53,091 ( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY, 372 00:19:53,158 --> 00:19:56,628 WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW." 373 00:19:56,695 --> 00:20:08,106 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) FOLKS, MY FIRST GUEST IS AN 374 00:20:08,173 --> 00:20:11,009 ACADEMY AWARD NOMINATED ACTOR YOU KNOW FROM "RESERVOIR 375 00:20:11,076 --> 00:20:13,812 DOGS," "NATIONAL TREASURE," AND "THE IRISHMAN." 376 00:20:13,879 --> 00:20:17,482 HE NOW STARS IN THE NEW FILM "LANSKY." 377 00:20:17,549 --> 00:20:20,352 >> THEY ACCUSED ME OF MAKING A PRESIDENT. 378 00:20:20,419 --> 00:20:24,289 NOW, I DON'T KNOW MR. NIXON ANY MORE THAN WHAT I'VE READ IN THE 379 00:20:24,356 --> 00:20:25,324 NEWSPAPERS. 380 00:20:25,390 --> 00:20:34,399 THEY CLAIM I HAD 50% CASINOS, 50% OF MONT CALLERO. 381 00:20:34,466 --> 00:20:36,702 NOW, HOW RIDICULOUS CAN WE GET. 382 00:20:36,768 --> 00:20:41,006 >> MR. LANSKY, IS THERE SUCH A THING AS ORGANIZED CRIME? 383 00:20:41,073 --> 00:20:49,348 >> I HAVE NO KNOWLEDGE ON THE SUBJECT. 384 00:20:49,414 --> 00:20:51,183 >> Stephen: PLEASE WELCOME TO THE LATE SHOW, HARVEY 385 00:20:51,249 --> 00:20:52,250 KEITEL! 386 00:20:52,317 --> 00:21:06,765 ♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE ) 387 00:21:06,832 --> 00:21:16,808 ♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE ) 388 00:21:16,875 --> 00:21:23,181 ♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE ) 389 00:21:23,248 --> 00:21:29,354 ♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: THANKS FOR BEING 390 00:21:29,421 --> 00:21:29,955 HERE. 391 00:21:30,022 --> 00:21:31,156 >> YOU'RE NOT ED SULLIVAN. 392 00:21:31,223 --> 00:21:33,392 ( LAUGHTER ) OKAY. 393 00:21:33,458 --> 00:21:36,094 >> Stephen: HARVEY, YOU'VE HAD AN AMAZING CAREER. 394 00:21:36,161 --> 00:21:42,167 THE MOVIES I NAMED, OF COURSE, ALSO "TAXI DRIVER" "THE PIANO," 395 00:21:42,234 --> 00:21:45,337 "SMOKES, "YOUR VARIETY OF YOUR "NATIONAL TREASURES." 396 00:21:45,404 --> 00:21:49,708 NAMED, OF COURSE, BECAUSE IT CONTAINS NATIONAL TREASURE 397 00:21:49,775 --> 00:21:50,709 HARVEY KEITEL. 398 00:21:50,776 --> 00:21:53,211 NOW, HOW DID YOU FIRST GET INTERESTED IN ACTING? 399 00:21:53,278 --> 00:21:57,983 >> WELL,s, I WAS WORKING FOR THE CITY OF NEW YORK AT THE TIME. 400 00:21:58,050 --> 00:22:00,552 IT WAS LIKE OUT OF A KAFKA NOVEL. 401 00:22:00,619 --> 00:22:06,825 I WAS A CITY EMPLOYEE, AND THIS VERY HANDSOME GREEK GUY I WORKED 402 00:22:06,892 --> 00:22:09,594 WITH, SAID DO YOU WANT TO SEE ABOUT ACTING LESSONS? 403 00:22:09,661 --> 00:22:10,829 AND I SAID OKAY, YOU KNOW. 404 00:22:10,896 --> 00:22:14,566 SO I WAS JUST OUT OF THE MANNER CORPS, LIKE JUST A COUPLE OF 405 00:22:14,633 --> 00:22:15,767 YEARS AT THAT TIME YOU. 406 00:22:15,834 --> 00:22:18,136 >> Stephen: HAD BEEN IN THE MARINES, AND WHAT WERE YOU DOING 407 00:22:18,203 --> 00:22:19,071 FOR THE CITY? 408 00:22:19,137 --> 00:22:21,139 >> I WAS A COURT STENOGRAPHER FOR THE CITY. 409 00:22:21,206 --> 00:22:24,609 >> Stephen: A COURT STENOGRAPHER. 410 00:22:24,676 --> 00:22:25,811 >> YEAH. 411 00:22:25,877 --> 00:22:28,513 HE TAKES ME TO THIS PLACE AND WE WALK INTO A BUILDING ON 23rd 412 00:22:28,580 --> 00:22:29,781 STREET AND FIFTH AVENUE. 413 00:22:29,848 --> 00:22:35,887 AND WE WALKED IN AND THE BUILDING THE THE STAIRCASE WAS 414 00:22:35,954 --> 00:22:37,489 SLANTED, IT WAS LIKE A SLUM. 415 00:22:37,556 --> 00:22:41,226 WE WALKED UP FIVE FLIGHTS OF STAIRS AND WE OPENED A DOOR TO A 416 00:22:41,293 --> 00:22:44,296 HUGE LOFT, AND THERE WAS A DESK THERE AND A GUY SITTING BEHIND 417 00:22:44,362 --> 00:22:45,063 THE DESK. 418 00:22:45,130 --> 00:22:47,966 HE LOOKED A LITTLE DIRTY AND DUSTY. 419 00:22:48,033 --> 00:22:51,169 SOY WOO WALKED OVER TO HIM AND WE START TO TALK ABOUT ACTING. 420 00:22:51,236 --> 00:22:52,537 AND I'M SITTING THERE. 421 00:22:52,604 --> 00:22:54,139 I DIDN'T KNOW FROM ACTING. 422 00:22:54,206 --> 00:22:55,774 I JUST DIDN'T KNOW. 423 00:22:55,841 --> 00:22:57,876 AND MY FRIEND STARTED TO LEAVE. 424 00:22:57,943 --> 00:23:00,579 HE SAID, "HARVEY, I'M GOING TO GO." 425 00:23:00,645 --> 00:23:02,080 >> Stephen: THIS IS TOO SKETCHY FOR HIM? 426 00:23:02,147 --> 00:23:06,918 ( LAUGHTER ) AND I SAID, "WELL, I'M GOING TO 427 00:23:06,985 --> 00:23:07,285 STAY." 428 00:23:07,352 --> 00:23:09,154 SO I STAYED. 429 00:23:09,221 --> 00:23:12,724 AND SO THE GUY SAYS TO ME, "YOU SEE THAT COAT RACK OVER THERE?" 430 00:23:12,791 --> 00:23:14,559 I SAID, "YEAH." 431 00:23:14,626 --> 00:23:17,929 HE SAYS, "GO OVER AND COUNT ALL THOSE HANGARS. 432 00:23:17,996 --> 00:23:19,498 HOW MANY DO YOU THINK THERE ARE?" 433 00:23:19,564 --> 00:23:22,834 I SAID, "WELL, OKAY." 434 00:23:22,901 --> 00:23:24,903 I WALKED OVER, I STARTED COUNTING THEM. 435 00:23:24,970 --> 00:23:25,871 I CAME BACK. 436 00:23:25,937 --> 00:23:28,640 HE SAID, "DID YOU COUNT THEM?" I SAID, "YEAH." 437 00:23:28,707 --> 00:23:32,577 HE SAID, "HOW MANY ARE THERE?" I SAID, LIKE, 60." 438 00:23:32,644 --> 00:23:35,814 HE SAID, "DID YOU COUNT EVERY ONE OF THEM?" 439 00:23:35,881 --> 00:23:38,784 I THOUGHT HE WAS PUTTING ME ON, YOU KNOW, BECAUSE I WAS-- YOU 440 00:23:38,850 --> 00:23:40,552 KNOW, I I JUST DIDN'T KNOW. 441 00:23:40,619 --> 00:23:41,787 I WANTED TO HIT HIM. 442 00:23:41,853 --> 00:23:46,858 ( LAUGHTER ) I SAID, "NO, I DIDN'T COUNT 443 00:23:46,925 --> 00:23:48,260 EVERY ONE OF THEM." 444 00:23:48,326 --> 00:23:52,230 AND HE SAID, "WELL, ANY BACK AND COUNT EVERY ONE." 445 00:23:52,297 --> 00:23:55,367 OF COURSE, ACTING IS DOING THINGS TRUTHFULLY WITH A 446 00:23:55,433 --> 00:23:56,368 PURPOSE. 447 00:23:56,434 --> 00:23:58,303 AND THAT WAS THE FIRST ACTING LESSON I EVER HAD. 448 00:23:58,370 --> 00:23:59,371 >> Stephen: WOW. 449 00:23:59,437 --> 00:24:05,911 ( APPLAUSE ) WHAT DO YOU THINK-- I'VE ALWAYS 450 00:24:05,977 --> 00:24:09,247 BEEN CURIOUS-- I TAUGHT IMPROVISATION WHEN I WAS 451 00:24:09,314 --> 00:24:12,551 YOUNGER, WHEN I WAS A YOUNG IMPROV COMEDIAN. 452 00:24:12,617 --> 00:24:16,721 I USED TO SAY TO THE PEOPLE I WAS TEACHING, "THE REAL THING IS 453 00:24:16,788 --> 00:24:19,291 I'M NOT REALLY TEACHING YOU SOMETHING RIGHT NOW. 454 00:24:19,357 --> 00:24:23,762 I AM REVEALING TO YOU THROUGH THESE EXERCISES YOUR ABILITY TO 455 00:24:23,829 --> 00:24:24,963 DO IT. 456 00:24:25,030 --> 00:24:27,299 I'M NOT ACTUALLY GIVING IT TO YOU. 457 00:24:27,365 --> 00:24:28,934 I'M REVEALING YOUR OWN TALENT." 458 00:24:29,000 --> 00:24:31,036 WHAT DO YOU THINK THE PURPOSE OF ACTING CLASSES ARE? 459 00:24:31,102 --> 00:24:34,439 >> TO BRING YOU IN CLOSER CONTACT WITH YOU, WHO YOU ARE, 460 00:24:34,506 --> 00:24:36,975 AND THE CHARACTER YOU'RE PLAYING. 461 00:24:37,042 --> 00:24:40,045 AND THE IMPROVISATION IS REALLY BEST FOR THAT. 462 00:24:40,111 --> 00:24:44,382 BECAUSE YOU'RE FORCED INTO YOURSELF WITHOUT HAVING LINES. 463 00:24:44,449 --> 00:24:46,818 WHAT YOU'RE GOING TO SAY IS GOING TO COME PURELY FROM 464 00:24:46,885 --> 00:24:48,820 YOURSELF. 465 00:24:48,887 --> 00:24:55,427 >> Stephen: YOU HAVE A KNACK FOR SPOTTING EMERGING TALENT, 466 00:24:55,493 --> 00:24:57,429 ESPECIALLY IN DIRECTORS. 467 00:24:57,495 --> 00:25:02,667 YOU QUITE FAMOUSLY HAVE BEEN IN THE FIRST MOVIES OF SOME 468 00:25:02,734 --> 00:25:07,038 BRILLIANT DIRECTORS,s SCORSESE, RIDLEY SCOTT, PAUL 469 00:25:07,105 --> 00:25:09,507 SCHROEDER, QUENTIN TARANTINO, AMONG OTHERS. 470 00:25:09,574 --> 00:25:15,447 IS THERE SOMETHING COMMON IN YOUR MIND TO FIRST-TIME 471 00:25:15,513 --> 00:25:17,649 DIRECTORS, AGREEMENT FIRST-TIME DIRECTORS? 472 00:25:17,716 --> 00:25:23,021 IS THERE SOME COMMONALITY BETWEEN TARANTINO OR SCORSESE, 473 00:25:23,088 --> 00:25:24,155 PAUL SCHROEDER? 474 00:25:24,222 --> 00:25:26,958 >> SOMEBODY ASKED ME THAT QUESTION ONCE AND ALL I COULD 475 00:25:27,025 --> 00:25:29,761 DESCRIBE IT AS, YOU KNOW THAT PARTY YOU WENT TO, YOU WALKED 476 00:25:29,828 --> 00:25:30,929 IN, PACKED WITH PEOPLE. 477 00:25:30,996 --> 00:25:34,966 AND YOU SAW THAT ONE GIRL, AND YOU SAID, "THAT'S THE ONE." 478 00:25:35,033 --> 00:25:39,437 THAT'S WHAT IT WAS LIKE MEETING THESE DIRECTORS THAT YOU'RE 479 00:25:39,504 --> 00:25:42,440 TALKING ABOUT. 480 00:25:42,507 --> 00:25:46,011 JANE CHAMPION AMONGST THEM, ALMOST A FIRST FILM. 481 00:25:46,077 --> 00:25:49,114 JUST SOMETHING-- IT'S SORT OF-- YOU CAN'T PUT A HANDLE ON IT. 482 00:25:49,180 --> 00:25:52,083 IT'S SOMETHING THAT TAKES PLACE BETWEEN YOU AND THAT GIRL. 483 00:25:52,150 --> 00:25:56,655 >> Stephen: IS-- IS THERE SOMETHING THAT YOU THINK THAT 484 00:25:56,721 --> 00:25:58,690 ALL THESE SAME DIRECTORS SEE IN YOU? 485 00:25:58,757 --> 00:26:02,894 LIKE, WHAT IS THE ESSENCE OF HARVEY KEITEL FROM A DIRECTOR'S 486 00:26:02,961 --> 00:26:03,728 POINT OF VIEW? 487 00:26:03,795 --> 00:26:07,098 >> THEY MAYBE SAW IN ME THE SAME GIRL. 488 00:26:07,165 --> 00:26:12,804 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 489 00:26:12,871 --> 00:26:15,206 >> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE A QUICK BREAK. 490 00:26:15,273 --> 00:26:16,141 DON'T GO ANYWHERE. 491 00:26:16,207 --> 00:26:17,809 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE HARVEY KEITEL. 492 00:26:17,876 --> 00:26:19,411 ♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE ) 493 00:26:29,921 --> 00:26:35,627 WE'RE BACK HERE WITH THE STAR OF "LANSKY," HARVEY KEITEL. 494 00:26:35,694 --> 00:26:38,430 I'M GOING TO ASK YOU ABOUT WORKING WITHITARIAN TINO FOR THE 495 00:26:38,496 --> 00:26:40,098 FIRST TIME. 496 00:26:40,165 --> 00:26:44,502 OBVIOUSLY, MANY PEOPLE KNOW YOU FROM PLAYING MR. WHITE IN 497 00:26:44,569 --> 00:26:48,106 "RESERVOIR DOGS." 498 00:26:48,173 --> 00:26:50,442 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ). 499 00:26:50,508 --> 00:26:53,478 NOW, THAT'S TARANTINO'S FIRST FILM, I THINK. 500 00:26:53,545 --> 00:26:56,481 DO I HAVE-- YEAH, I HAVE A SHOT OF THE TWO OF YOU TOGETHER HERE. 501 00:26:56,548 --> 00:27:02,420 THIS IS THAT SCENE RIGHT THERE, WHICH GETS QUITE DARK BY THE END 502 00:27:02,487 --> 00:27:03,321 OF IT. 503 00:27:03,388 --> 00:27:08,226 >> I LOVE THAT SHOT BECAUSE IT'S SO HONEST. 504 00:27:08,293 --> 00:27:10,495 >> Stephen: WHAT-- WHAT ARE YOU HONESTLY SEEING THERE? 505 00:27:10,562 --> 00:27:12,130 WHAT'S ACTUALLY HAPPENING IN THIS MOMENT? 506 00:27:12,197 --> 00:27:15,667 >> WELL, I DON'T REMEMBER WHAT THE PROBLEM WAS WE WERE TRYING 507 00:27:15,734 --> 00:27:16,801 TO SOLVE. 508 00:27:16,868 --> 00:27:19,537 BUT, OBVIOUSLY, WE BOTH WERE TALKING OVER A MOMENT IN THE 509 00:27:19,604 --> 00:27:26,111 MOVIE THAT WE WERE LOOKING FOR THE AUTHENTICITY OF, TO CREATE 510 00:27:26,177 --> 00:27:28,546 IT IN AN AUTHENTIC WAY. 511 00:27:28,613 --> 00:27:30,415 WE WERE DISCUSSING, YOU KNOW, ABOUT HOW MAYBE I WANT TO GO 512 00:27:30,482 --> 00:27:31,516 ABOUT IT. 513 00:27:31,583 --> 00:27:35,320 >> Stephen: I UNDERSTAND THAT HE WOULD JUST RAID YOUR 514 00:27:35,387 --> 00:27:36,588 REFRIGERATOR ANY CHANCE HE COULD. 515 00:27:36,654 --> 00:27:37,589 >> NO, NO. 516 00:27:37,655 --> 00:27:38,857 >> Stephen: BECAUSE HE HAD NO MONEY AND NO FOOD. 517 00:27:38,923 --> 00:27:42,994 >> NO, I OFFERED HIM SOMETHING TO EAT OR DRINK, OR WHATEVER. 518 00:27:43,061 --> 00:27:45,563 HE SAID YES, AND I SAID, "HELP YOURSELF." 519 00:27:45,630 --> 00:27:48,166 HE OPENS THE FRIDGE, HE TAKES OUT WHATEVER HE WANTS, GOT A 520 00:27:48,233 --> 00:27:50,335 LITTLE FOOD-- I WAS SURPRISED. 521 00:27:50,402 --> 00:27:54,172 AND THEN, EVERY OTHER MEETING WE HAD IN THE HOUSE, HE KEPT GOING 522 00:27:54,239 --> 00:27:58,643 TO FRIDGE BECAUSE I SAID-- ( LAUGHTER ). 523 00:27:58,710 --> 00:27:59,477 TRUTH. 524 00:27:59,544 --> 00:28:00,779 AND HE STARTED JUST EATING EVERYTHING. 525 00:28:00,845 --> 00:28:03,081 ( LAUGHTER ) AND I STARTED THEN PUTTING THE 526 00:28:03,148 --> 00:28:04,282 OLD FOOD IN THE FRONT. 527 00:28:04,349 --> 00:28:08,553 ( LAUGHTER ) THE GOOD FOOD IN THE BACK. 528 00:28:08,620 --> 00:28:11,589 ( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: DO YOU THINK 529 00:28:11,656 --> 00:28:15,026 THAT'S-- DO YOU THINK MAYBE THAT'S WHY HE STARTS "RESERVOIR 530 00:28:15,093 --> 00:28:17,996 DOGS" IN A DINER SO HE CAN GET A FREE MEAL OUT OF IT? 531 00:28:18,063 --> 00:28:20,665 >> WELL, I DO KNOW HE WAS HUNGRY ACTUALLY THEN. 532 00:28:20,732 --> 00:28:22,901 HE HAD NO MONEY. 533 00:28:22,967 --> 00:28:24,135 HE WAS A STUDENT. 534 00:28:24,202 --> 00:28:27,172 NO, NO, HE WAS WORKING IN A ZOO STORE THEN BUT HE DIDN'T HAVE 535 00:28:27,238 --> 00:28:28,373 ANY MONEY. 536 00:28:28,440 --> 00:28:32,644 >> Stephen: PEOPLE ALSO KNOW YOU'RE OLD FRIENDS WITH YOUR OLD 537 00:28:32,710 --> 00:28:34,779 FRIEND AND OURS ROBERT De NIRO. 538 00:28:34,846 --> 00:28:39,584 HERE YOU ARE IN "MEAN STREETS," THERE YOU ARE, LOOKING YOUR 539 00:28:39,651 --> 00:28:40,785 SUNDAY BEST. 540 00:28:40,852 --> 00:28:43,288 IT LOOKS LIKE THE TWO OF YOU ARE TALKING TO SOMEBODY SAYING, 541 00:28:43,354 --> 00:28:44,622 "HEY, COME ON IN. 542 00:28:44,689 --> 00:28:45,790 WE'VE GOT SOME WINE." 543 00:28:45,857 --> 00:28:49,828 IS IT TRUE THAT YOU CAN CREDIT YOUR MARRIAGE OF 20 YEARS TO 544 00:28:49,894 --> 00:28:50,428 HIM? 545 00:28:50,495 --> 00:28:52,163 >> UH, AND MORE THAN THAT. 546 00:28:52,230 --> 00:28:59,537 I MET MY WIFE IN ROME AT A PARTY FOR ROBERT. 547 00:28:59,604 --> 00:29:01,439 AND THE GIRL WAS THAT ONE IN THE ROOM. 548 00:29:01,506 --> 00:29:07,946 SHE ALLOWED ME TO TAKE HER TO DINNER AT THE BOLANAISE, IF YOU 549 00:29:08,012 --> 00:29:08,646 KNOW THAT RESTAURANT. 550 00:29:08,713 --> 00:29:09,481 >> Stephen: OF COURSE. 551 00:29:09,547 --> 00:29:12,417 HOW COULD I NOT KNOW THAT RESTAURANT? 552 00:29:12,484 --> 00:29:13,618 ( LAUGHTER ). 553 00:29:13,685 --> 00:29:15,386 >> AND WE HAD DINNER, AND THEN I CALLED BACK AGAIN THE SECOND 554 00:29:15,453 --> 00:29:16,554 NIGHT, AND SHE CAME. 555 00:29:16,621 --> 00:29:17,789 WE HAD DINNER THE SECOND NIGHT. 556 00:29:17,856 --> 00:29:22,293 AND THEN I ASKED HER IF SHE'D LIKE A DRINK AT MY HOTEL ROOM. 557 00:29:22,360 --> 00:29:24,229 AND SHE SAID, "NO, THANK YOU." 558 00:29:24,295 --> 00:29:26,064 MENT ( LAUGHTER ) 559 00:29:26,131 --> 00:29:27,799 AND I SPENT A LOT OF MONEY ON HER. 560 00:29:27,866 --> 00:29:30,301 IT WAS A GOOD RESTAURANT. 561 00:29:30,368 --> 00:29:34,806 ( LAUGHTER ) AND THEY EVEN LET HER COUNT THE 562 00:29:34,873 --> 00:29:39,677 MONEY BECAUSE I HAD LIRE, AND I COULDN'T TRANSLATE THE LIRE INTO 563 00:29:39,744 --> 00:29:40,278 DOLLARS. 564 00:29:40,345 --> 00:29:41,713 I SAID, "HERE, YOU DO IT." 565 00:29:41,779 --> 00:29:43,681 AND I HAD A PILE OF IT, A LOT OF IT. 566 00:29:43,748 --> 00:29:46,484 I DIDN'T KNOW THEN THAT SHE WAS HUNGRY ALSO. 567 00:29:46,551 --> 00:29:50,388 ( LAUGHTER ) AND SO I-- SO SHE COUNTED OUT 568 00:29:50,455 --> 00:29:53,024 THE MONEY -- >> Stephen: MAYBE DIDN'T GIVE 569 00:29:53,091 --> 00:29:54,025 YOU THE CHANGE BACK. 570 00:29:54,092 --> 00:29:57,095 >> NO, BUT SHE DID LOOK AT IT LIKE, YOU KNOW... 571 00:29:57,162 --> 00:30:00,331 AND THEN I CALLED HER THE THIRD NIGHT, AND SHE WOULDN'T GO OUT 572 00:30:00,398 --> 00:30:01,065 WITH ME AGAIN. 573 00:30:01,132 --> 00:30:01,733 >> Stephen: >> Stephen: WHY NOT? 574 00:30:01,799 --> 00:30:03,668 >> THAT'S WHAT I SAID. 575 00:30:03,735 --> 00:30:11,342 AND THEN I MET HER AGAIN 17 YEARS LATER AT ANOTHER PARTY-- 576 00:30:11,409 --> 00:30:14,112 WELL, SHE HADN'T TOLD ME THAT SHE WAS LIVING WITH A GUY. 577 00:30:14,179 --> 00:30:16,614 >> Stephen: OH, BACK IN ROME SHE WAS LIVING WITH A GUY. 578 00:30:16,681 --> 00:30:18,383 >> YEAH, SHE WAS HUNGRY. 579 00:30:18,449 --> 00:30:21,553 ( LAUGHTER ) QUENTIN WAS HUNGRY. 580 00:30:21,619 --> 00:30:22,954 SHE WAS HUNGRY. 581 00:30:23,021 --> 00:30:24,189 WHAT IS IT ABOUT ME? 582 00:30:24,255 --> 00:30:26,758 ( LAUGHTER ) BUT THIS WAS, LIKE, A HOLLYWOOD 583 00:30:26,824 --> 00:30:28,760 PARTY THAT I DID NOT WANT TO GO TO. 584 00:30:28,826 --> 00:30:32,063 BUT TWO OF MY FRIENDS COULDN'T GET INTO THE PARTY, SO THEY CAME 585 00:30:32,130 --> 00:30:34,966 OVER MY HOUSE TO GET ME. 586 00:30:35,033 --> 00:30:36,801 ( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: YOU WERE-- YOU 587 00:30:36,868 --> 00:30:39,337 WERE THE FAMOUS TROJAN HORSE FOR THEM TO GO IN. 588 00:30:39,404 --> 00:30:40,471 >> THAT'S RIGHT, THAT'S RIGHT. 589 00:30:40,538 --> 00:30:42,373 AND THEY SAID, "YOU'RE GOING TO THE PARTY. 590 00:30:42,440 --> 00:30:44,943 YOU KNOW WE CAN'T GET IN WITHOUT YOU." 591 00:30:45,009 --> 00:30:46,844 AND THEY ACTUALLY DRAGGED ME OUT THEREOF. 592 00:30:46,911 --> 00:30:49,447 I DIDN'T WANT TO GO TO THIS... 593 00:30:49,514 --> 00:30:50,715 PARTY. 594 00:30:50,782 --> 00:30:55,119 AND THERE WAS THIS GIRL I BOUGHT TWO DINNERS FOR AT THE BOLANISE 595 00:30:55,186 --> 00:30:57,322 17 YEARS AGO. 596 00:30:57,388 --> 00:30:58,590 AND IT WAS MY WIFE DAPHNE. 597 00:30:58,656 --> 00:31:02,026 AND I MET HER AT THE PARTY FOR ROBERT De NIRO, THE SECOND 598 00:31:02,093 --> 00:31:03,161 PARTY FOR HIM. 599 00:31:03,228 --> 00:31:07,665 AND THEN WE STAY STAYED TOGETHER, AND SEVEN WEEKS LATER 600 00:31:07,732 --> 00:31:10,735 I WAS GOING TO A FILM FESTIVAL IN ITALY, AND I ASKED HER TO 601 00:31:10,802 --> 00:31:12,637 COME WITH ME, AND SHE SAID YES. 602 00:31:12,704 --> 00:31:14,405 AND ON THE FLIGHT, I SAID, "WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT GETTING 603 00:31:14,472 --> 00:31:16,140 MARRIED?" BUT SHE GAVE A GREAT ANSWER. 604 00:31:16,207 --> 00:31:18,876 SHE SAID, "OKAY." 605 00:31:18,943 --> 00:31:24,115 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 606 00:31:24,182 --> 00:31:25,984 >> Stephen: NICELY DONE. 607 00:31:26,050 --> 00:31:27,252 NICELY DONE. 608 00:31:27,318 --> 00:31:32,557 >> WE GOT MARRIED BUT THE TOPPER WAS WE GET PREGNANT A YEAR OR SO 609 00:31:32,624 --> 00:31:35,560 LATER, AND OUR SON WAS BORN ON ROBERT De NIRO'S BIRTHDAY. 610 00:31:35,627 --> 00:31:39,664 I'M NOT A WOO-WOO GUY, BUT THIS ONE GOT ME. 611 00:31:39,731 --> 00:31:40,999 >> Stephen: HARVEY, IT WAS LOVELY TO HAVE YOU. 612 00:31:41,065 --> 00:31:42,900 THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING HERE. 613 00:31:42,967 --> 00:31:46,537 PLEASE COME AGAIN. 614 00:31:46,604 --> 00:31:49,374 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) "LANSKY" IS IN THEATERS NOW. 615 00:31:49,440 --> 00:31:50,475 THE MAN IS HARVEY KEITEL, EVERYBODY. 616 00:31:50,541 --> 00:31:53,111 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH COMEDIAN RANDALL OTIS. 617 00:31:53,177 --> 00:31:53,911 THANK YOU. 618 00:32:20,672 --> 00:32:21,306 ♪ ♪ ♪ >> YESTERDAY WE HEARD FROM A 619 00:32:21,372 --> 00:32:22,840 WHISTLEBLOWER WITHIN THE U.S. 620 00:32:22,907 --> 00:32:26,110 GOVERNMENT TO REACHED OUT TO WARN US THAT THE N.S.A., THE 621 00:32:26,177 --> 00:32:28,579 NATIONAL SECURITY AGENCY, IS MONITORING OUR ELECTRONIC 622 00:32:28,646 --> 00:32:30,615 COMMUNICATIONS AND IS PLANNING TO LEAK THEM IN AN ATTEMPT THE 623 00:32:30,682 --> 00:32:33,418 TO TAKE THIS SHOW OFF THE AIR. 624 00:32:33,484 --> 00:32:36,988 >> IS LAW ENFORCEMENT ABOUT TO EXPOSE YOU FOR DOING SOMETHING 625 00:32:37,055 --> 00:32:38,022 REALLY BAD? 626 00:32:38,089 --> 00:32:42,927 THEN DO WHAT TUCKER CARLSON DOES AND POLITICIZE IT. 627 00:32:42,994 --> 00:32:45,663 >> LITTLE GIRL, DID YOU STEAL THAT WAND FROM MY STORE? 628 00:32:45,730 --> 00:32:46,264 >> YOU'RE JUST AFTER ME BECAUSE I'M A CONSERVATIVE. 629 00:32:46,331 --> 00:32:46,964 >> SCREW THAT NOISE. 630 00:33:00,945 --> 00:33:01,646 ( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY, 631 00:33:01,713 --> 00:33:03,614 WELCOME BACK! 632 00:33:03,681 --> 00:33:13,324 FOLKS, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MY NEXT GUEST IS A "DAILY SHOW" 633 00:33:13,391 --> 00:33:14,492 WRITER AND STAND-UP COMEDIAN MAKING HIS NETWORK TELEVISION 634 00:33:14,559 --> 00:33:15,893 DEBUT. 635 00:33:15,960 --> 00:33:19,530 PLEASE WELCOME RANDALL OTIS! 636 00:33:19,597 --> 00:33:32,143 ♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE ) 637 00:33:32,210 --> 00:33:33,978 >> YO, WHAT'S UP, EVERYBODY? 638 00:33:34,045 --> 00:33:36,481 GOOD TO SEE YOU PEOPLE. 639 00:33:36,547 --> 00:33:37,348 YEAH. 640 00:33:37,415 --> 00:33:39,817 I'M NOT-- I'M NOT FROM HERE ORIGINALLY. 641 00:33:39,884 --> 00:33:45,156 I'M FROM FLORIDA WHERE-- I'M SORRY. 642 00:33:45,223 --> 00:33:46,891 ( LAUGHTER ) I COULD HEAR THE JUDGMENT IN 643 00:33:46,958 --> 00:33:48,893 YOUR HEARTS. 644 00:33:48,960 --> 00:33:51,596 ( LAUGHTER ) WE HAVE THE WORST REPUTATION OUT 645 00:33:51,662 --> 00:33:53,831 OF ANY STATE. 646 00:33:53,898 --> 00:33:57,935 LIKE, I MEET SOMEBODY ELSE FROM FLORIDA AND WE BOTH THINK LESS 647 00:33:58,002 --> 00:33:58,770 OF EACH OTHER. 648 00:33:58,836 --> 00:34:04,175 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 649 00:34:04,242 --> 00:34:06,277 OKAY, LET'S NOT CLAP TOO HARD FOR THAT. 650 00:34:06,344 --> 00:34:11,616 ( LAUGHTER ) LIKE, GROWING UP I WANTED TO BE 651 00:34:11,682 --> 00:34:12,717 FROM A COOLER PLACE. 652 00:34:12,784 --> 00:34:14,852 LIKE, I WANTED TO BE FROM ATLANTA SO BAD. 653 00:34:14,919 --> 00:34:15,686 ATLANTA IS DOPE. 654 00:34:15,753 --> 00:34:17,655 IT'S THE COOLEST PLACE I'VE EVER BEEN. 655 00:34:17,722 --> 00:34:20,258 IT IS THE BLACKEST PLACE I'VE EVER BEEN. 656 00:34:20,324 --> 00:34:21,926 AND I'VE BEEN TO AFRICA THREE TIMES. 657 00:34:21,993 --> 00:34:25,096 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 658 00:34:25,163 --> 00:34:28,399 THAT'S HOW BLACK ATLANTA IS. 659 00:34:28,466 --> 00:34:29,267 I CAN'T FRONT THOUGH. 660 00:34:29,333 --> 00:34:31,436 I'M FROM A RICH SUBURB IN FLORIDA. 661 00:34:31,502 --> 00:34:35,873 BUT MY DAD IS FROM COMPTON, BUT HE BECAME THIS REALLY SUCCESSFUL 662 00:34:35,940 --> 00:34:40,011 BUSINESSMAN, BUT HE STILL BRINGS COMPTON ENERGY TO NON-COMPTON 663 00:34:40,077 --> 00:34:41,479 SITUATIONS. 664 00:34:41,546 --> 00:34:45,216 LIKE, I REMEMBER ONE TIME, ME AND THE REST OF THE FAMILY WERE 665 00:34:45,283 --> 00:34:46,717 JUST CHILLING IN THE LIVING ROOM. 666 00:34:46,784 --> 00:34:51,989 HE BUSTS IN LIKE, "YOU ALL GOING TO FINISH THIS CAVIAR?" 667 00:34:52,056 --> 00:34:52,957 I'M LIKE ALL RIGHT. 668 00:34:53,024 --> 00:34:56,060 WE LIVE IN A GATED COMMUNITY, MAN. 669 00:34:56,127 --> 00:34:56,861 RELAX, YOU'RE SAFE. 670 00:34:56,928 --> 00:34:58,096 HE'S ABSURD. 671 00:34:58,162 --> 00:35:01,566 I REMEMBER ONE TIME WE WENT TO AN OPERA TOGETHER, MIDDLE OF THE 672 00:35:01,632 --> 00:35:06,337 OPERA, HE JUST LEANS OVER TO ME LIKE, "DAMN, THESE BITCHES CAN 673 00:35:06,404 --> 00:35:07,138 SING." 674 00:35:07,205 --> 00:35:10,174 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 675 00:35:10,241 --> 00:35:14,378 HOW DID YOU MAKE IT THIS FAR? 676 00:35:14,445 --> 00:35:16,948 WE'RE WEARING TUXEDOS, BRO. 677 00:35:17,014 --> 00:35:18,916 MY MOM IS THE EXACT SAME WAY. 678 00:35:18,983 --> 00:35:21,085 MY MOM GREW UP REAL POOR. 679 00:35:21,152 --> 00:35:25,923 SHE'S DOING REAL WELL BUT IT'S HARD TO SHAKE THAT MENTALITY. 680 00:35:25,990 --> 00:35:29,126 ONE TIME WE WENT TO THIS SUPER FANCY RESTAURANT, AND SHE HAS 681 00:35:29,193 --> 00:35:35,666 THIS BRAND NEW CHANEL PURSE AND WHEN THE WAITER WALKED AWAY, SHE 682 00:35:35,733 --> 00:35:37,268 STARTED STUFFING BREAD IN HER PURSE. 683 00:35:37,335 --> 00:35:40,204 I SAID, "MA, WE HAVE BREAD AT HOME." 684 00:35:40,271 --> 00:35:43,908 SHE SAID, "YEAH, I STOLE IT FROM THE OTHER RESTAURANT." 685 00:35:43,975 --> 00:35:45,743 THEY RADICALIZED ME WHEN I WAS YOUNG. 686 00:35:45,810 --> 00:35:56,521 WHEN I WAS A KID THEY READ EXCERPTS FROM MAT COMXX'S 687 00:35:56,587 --> 00:36:00,558 AUTOBIOGRAPHY, AND I THEY HAD TO STOP BECAUSE I STARTED BEATING 688 00:36:00,625 --> 00:36:02,360 UP KIDS ON THE PLAYGROUND. 689 00:36:02,426 --> 00:36:08,699 AND THEY WERE ALL LIBERAL, KIDS, TOO-- "AH, WE DESERVED IT! 690 00:36:08,766 --> 00:36:09,000 AH." 691 00:36:09,066 --> 00:36:11,602 LOSERS. 692 00:36:11,669 --> 00:36:15,940 I'M LIBERAL, BUT, DUDE, LIBERALS ARE SOME OF THE FUNNIEST PEOPLE 693 00:36:16,007 --> 00:36:18,442 ON EARTH. 694 00:36:18,509 --> 00:36:20,545 RICH LIBERALS ARE THE BEST BECAUSE THEY'RE VERY ASHAMED OF 695 00:36:20,611 --> 00:36:21,946 ALL THE MONEY THEY HAVE. 696 00:36:22,013 --> 00:36:25,316 I FEEL LIKE RICH LIBERALS WERE THE ONES WHO CREATED THAT IDEA 697 00:36:25,383 --> 00:36:28,586 OF CHECKING YOUR PRIVILEGE JUST TO BE ABLE TO BRAG OPENLY. 698 00:36:28,653 --> 00:36:35,626 LIKE, "YEAH, I'M A WHITE CIS GENDERED HETEROSEXUAL MALE, 699 00:36:35,693 --> 00:36:37,028 PRIVATE JET, AND YOU KNOW WHAT? 700 00:36:37,094 --> 00:36:40,031 THAT'S JUST SOMETHING I'M GOING TO HAVE TO LEARN TO LIVE WITH." 701 00:36:40,097 --> 00:36:46,637 ( APPLAUSE ) AM WE ALL HAVE OUR STRUGGLES IN 702 00:36:46,704 --> 00:36:48,673 LIFE, AND THIS IS MINE. 703 00:36:48,739 --> 00:36:51,976 FLORIDA, IT'S, OBVIOUSLY, WAS VERY RACIST AS WELL, ONE OF THE 704 00:36:52,043 --> 00:36:55,479 MOST RACIST THINGS I EVER HEARD WAS IN FLORIDA WHICH IS A GUY 705 00:36:55,546 --> 00:36:58,916 WHO SAID-- "BACK IN THE DAY, MY FAMILY WOULD OWN YOUR FAMILY." 706 00:36:58,983 --> 00:37:02,687 I WAS LIKE, "HONEY, YOU LEASE A FORD FOCUS. 707 00:37:02,753 --> 00:37:06,424 YOU COULD NEVER AFFORD ME." 708 00:37:06,490 --> 00:37:10,061 TA-TA! 709 00:37:10,127 --> 00:37:12,997 ( APPLAUSE ) YEAH. 710 00:37:13,064 --> 00:37:16,067 BEFORE-- BEFORE I WAS A COMEDIAN I WAS ACTUALLY A DANCER FOR MOST 711 00:37:16,133 --> 00:37:17,435 OF MY LIFE. 712 00:37:17,501 --> 00:37:20,404 AND I WAS ALWAYS THE ONLY STRAIGHT DANCER IN EVERY TEAM I 713 00:37:20,471 --> 00:37:24,642 WAS ON, AND I WAS NEVER THE BEST DANCER AND I FELT LIKE IT WAS 714 00:37:24,709 --> 00:37:28,012 BECAUSE I WASN'T GAY, WHICH DOESN'T MAKE SENSE. 715 00:37:28,079 --> 00:37:31,749 BUT I FEEL LIKE HOW WHITE RAPPERS FEEL LIKE "I AM JUST A 716 00:37:31,816 --> 00:37:34,085 GUEST IN THIS SPACE. 717 00:37:34,151 --> 00:37:37,355 I KNOW MY POSITION." 718 00:37:37,421 --> 00:37:40,091 ( APPLAUSE ) AND I'D HAVE BULLIES, TOO. 719 00:37:40,157 --> 00:37:45,696 "WHAT'S UP WITH YOU, MAN, ARE YOU GAY?" 720 00:37:45,763 --> 00:37:46,564 "I WISH." 721 00:37:46,631 --> 00:37:49,600 MAYBE I COULD NAIL A PIROUETTE FOR ONCE. 722 00:37:49,667 --> 00:37:52,136 I'M REAL JUST BORING SEXUALLY. 723 00:37:52,203 --> 00:37:55,973 IT MAKES ME ARTISTICALLY INSECURE. 724 00:37:56,040 --> 00:37:58,509 YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT? 725 00:37:58,576 --> 00:38:04,048 BECAUSE EVERY ARTIST, LIKE JAMES JOYCE HAD FETISHES, MOZART HAD 726 00:38:04,115 --> 00:38:05,282 FETISHES. 727 00:38:05,349 --> 00:38:09,854 IF I HEAR ABOUT A GUY WHO LIKES GETTING BREEP ON, I'M LIKE HE 728 00:38:09,920 --> 00:38:11,455 PROBABLY GETS PAID REAL GOOD. 729 00:38:11,522 --> 00:38:14,892 I'M SO BORING IS MAKES ME FEEL LIKE I'LL NEVER MAKE ANYTHING 730 00:38:14,959 --> 00:38:16,060 GREAT. 731 00:38:16,127 --> 00:38:18,229 I'LL BE HAVING MISSIONARY SEX AND I'LL BE ENJOYING IT, BUT 732 00:38:18,295 --> 00:38:21,632 THERE'S A VOICE IN THE BACK OF YOUR HEAD, "THIS IS WHY YOU'RE 733 00:38:21,699 --> 00:38:25,803 NEVER GOING TO WRITE A NOVEL." 734 00:38:25,870 --> 00:38:29,073 ( APPLAUSE ) THERE'S JUST-- THERE'S JUST A 735 00:38:29,140 --> 00:38:34,145 FRENCH ART CRITIC IN MY BRAIN LIKE, "UNINSPIRED. 736 00:38:34,211 --> 00:38:38,349 COME BACK WHEN YOU'RE HAVING SEX ON THE MOON." 737 00:38:38,416 --> 00:38:39,250 ( LAUGHTER ) YEAH. 738 00:38:39,316 --> 00:38:40,751 BUT IN HIGH SCHOOL, YEAH, I WAS A DANCER. 739 00:38:40,818 --> 00:38:43,220 I WAS ON THE DANCE TEAM, AND THE FOOTBALL TEAM. 740 00:38:43,287 --> 00:38:47,558 SO IT WAS LIKE IF SPIKE LEE DIRECTED "HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL." 741 00:38:47,625 --> 00:38:52,196 AND I DON'T KNOW IF THERE'S ANY THEATER KIDS IN HERE, BUT... 742 00:38:52,263 --> 00:38:53,230 ( APPLAUSE ) YEAH. 743 00:38:53,297 --> 00:38:55,866 YOU'RE LOOKING AT ME LIKE, "I SHOULD BE UP THERE." 744 00:38:55,933 --> 00:38:58,102 ( LAUGHTER ) ALL RIGHT, THEN YOU'LL KNOW WHAT 745 00:38:58,169 --> 00:38:59,270 I'M TALKING ABOUT. 746 00:38:59,336 --> 00:39:01,906 I FEEL LIKE IN HOLLYWOOD, IN MOVIES, WE'RE ALWAYS PORTRAYED 747 00:39:01,972 --> 00:39:03,074 AS THE VICTIMS. 748 00:39:03,140 --> 00:39:05,943 BUT IF YOU KNOW THEATER KIDS, THEY'RE SOME OF THE MEANEST 749 00:39:06,010 --> 00:39:07,912 PEOPLE YOU'LL EVER MEET IN YOUR LIFE. 750 00:39:07,978 --> 00:39:09,113 SERIOUSLY. 751 00:39:09,180 --> 00:39:12,149 LIKE, I REMEMBER I WOULD LEAVE FOOTBALL PRACTICE TO GO DANCE. 752 00:39:12,216 --> 00:39:15,019 ALL THE FOOTBALL PLAYERS WOULD CALL ME GAY. 753 00:39:15,086 --> 00:39:17,354 I WAS LIKE, "I'M WORKING ON IT. 754 00:39:17,421 --> 00:39:18,622 THE. 755 00:39:18,689 --> 00:39:21,292 THE BUT THEN I WOULD LEAVE DANCE PRACTICE TO STUDY MY PLAY BOOK, 756 00:39:21,358 --> 00:39:25,029 AND ALL THE DANCERS WOULD BE LIKE, "WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO 757 00:39:25,096 --> 00:39:27,364 HUDDLE UP WITH YOUR BOYS AND HAVE SEX TOGETHER?" 758 00:39:27,431 --> 00:39:28,199 AND I WAS LIKE WHAT? 759 00:39:28,265 --> 00:39:30,134 I THOUGHT YOU ALL WERE GAY. 760 00:39:30,201 --> 00:39:34,038 THEY WERE LIKE, "WE ARE, BUT WE'RE ALSO BITCHES." 761 00:39:34,105 --> 00:39:35,372 WELCOME TO HIGH SCHOOL. 762 00:39:35,439 --> 00:39:36,040 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 763 00:39:36,107 --> 00:39:37,308 THANK YOU, EVERYBODY. 764 00:39:37,374 --> 00:39:40,344 HAVE A GOOD NIGHT. 765 00:39:40,411 --> 00:39:42,513 >> Stephen: YOU CAN FOLLOW HIM ON TWITTER AT "RANDALL 766 00:39:42,580 --> 00:39:43,080 OTIS TV." 767 00:39:43,147 --> 00:39:44,215 RANDALL OTIS, EVERYBODY! 768 00:39:44,281 --> 00:39:44,381 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK. 769 00:39:52,189 --> 00:39:53,424 ( APPLAUSE ) >> THAT'S IT FOR "THE LATE 770 00:39:53,491 --> 00:39:54,658 SHOW." 771 00:39:54,725 --> 00:39:58,295 TUNE IN TOMORROW WHEN MY GUEST THE WONDERFUL MR. JIM GAFFIGAN. 772 00:39:58,362 --> 00:39:59,497 JAMES CORDEN IS NEXT. 773 00:39:59,563 --> 00:40:05,436 GOOD NIGHT. 774 00:40:05,503 --> 00:40:07,438 >> THE PAUL DECART KNOB. 775 00:40:07,505 --> 00:40:12,042 THE BUTTISH INVASION. 776 00:40:12,109 --> 00:40:14,345 HERE COMES THE DONG? 777 00:40:14,411 --> 00:40:16,046 WHAT'S-- WHAT'S THAT? 778 00:40:16,113 --> 00:40:17,515 HERE COMES-- >> THE SUN. 779 00:40:17,581 --> 00:40:22,353 >> HERE COMES THE DONG IS NOT CLOSE ENOUGH. 780 00:40:22,419 --> 00:40:25,422 ( LAUGHTER ) HERE COMES THE DONG.