>> THE NEW YORK CITY BOARD OF ELECTIONS THROWING THE NEW YORK
CITY MAYORAL PRIMARY INTO CHAOS.
THE BOARD RELEASED NEW NUMBERS SUGGESTING ERIC ADAMS' LEAD OVER
KATHRYN GARCIA HAD NARROWED.
>> THE CITY'S BOARD OF ELECTIONS REMOVED THOSE RESULTS FROM ITS
WEB SITE.
ACCORDING TO THE B.O.E., 135,000 VOTES THAT WERE PUT INTO ITS
SYSTEM FOR TESTING PURPOSES ONLY HAD NEVER BEEN CLEARED.
♪ ♪ ♪ >> OOPS.
WE COUNTED THE WRONG BALLOTS.
ONE SECOND.
♪ ♪ ♪ ( LAUGHTER )
WAIT, THAT'S 2021'S MOST POPULAR BABY BOY NAMES.
HOLD ON.
♪ ♪ ♪ OH, MAYOR?
SORRY, THAT'S THE RANKED HITS OF JOHN MAYER.
♪ ♪ ♪ WRONG ENVELOPE.
♪ ♪ ♪ CAT ON KEYBOARD.
♪ ♪ ♪ SHOOT, THAT WAS MEANT FOR
SOMEONE ELSE.
EMBARRASSING.
>> Announcer: IT'S "THE LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT."
TONIGHT: PLUS, STEPHEN WELCOMES:
HARVEY KEITEL AND COMEDIEN RANDALL OTIS
FEATURING JON BATISTE AND STAY HUMAN.
AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK
CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪ ♪ ♪
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: THERE YOU GO.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) FEELING GLD?
GOOD?
FEELING GOOD.
LOOKING GOOD.
I LIKE THE HAIR.
>> Audience: STEPHEN!
STEPHEN!
STEPHEN.
>> Stephen: JOE, LOUIS.
THANKS, EVERYBODY.
THANK YOU SO MUCH!
THANKS SO MUCH, EVERYBODY.
PLEASE, HAVE A SEAT.
WELCOME, EVERYBODY, TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
AND I HAVE GOT-- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
FOLKS, I'M GOING TO SHOOT YOU STRAIGHT.
I'VE GOT GOOD NEWS, AND I'VE GOT BAD NEWS.
THE BAD NEWS IS I LIED ABOUT THE GOOD NEWS.
AND BOTH BADS COMBINE TO BE THE WORST NEWS: BILL COSBY HAS BEEN
RELEASED FROM PRISON AFTER HIS SEXUAL ASSAULT CONVICTION WAS
OVERTURNED.
( AUDIENCE BOOING ) YEAH, I AGREE WITH YOU.
OR TO PUT THAT ANOTHER WAY, ME TOO.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
NOW, NO IDEA.
GOT NO IDEA WHAT'S NEXT FOR COSBY.
BUT MY GUESS IS HE'S GOING TO JOIN BILL O'REILLY AND THE
FORMER PRESIDENT ON TOUR.
NOW, I WANT TO BE CLEAR, THIS ISN'T AN EXONERATION,
COSBY IS GETTING OFF ON A TECHNICALITY.
THE RULING STEMS FROM A 2005 AGREEMENT COSBY STRUCK WITH
THEN-PROSECUTOR, BRUCE CASTOR, WHO DECLINED TO PROSECUTE COSBY
IN EXCHANGE FOR HIS TESTIMONY DURING A CIVIL TRIAL.
NOW IF THE NAME BRUCE CASTOR RINGS A BELL IT'S BECAUSE HE'S
THE SAME PARAGON OF LEGAL ETHICS WHO WENT ON TO REPRESENT
THE FORMER PRESIDENT DURING HIS SECOND SENATE IMPEACHMENT TRIAL.
( AUDIENCE BOOING ) HIS BUSINESS CARDS JUST SAYS,
"BRUCE CASTOR-- ACTUAL DEVIL'S ADVOCATE."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) IN OTHER NEWS, THE COUNTRY IS
HOT AS HELL, SO AT LEAST COSBY HAS A PREVIEW OF THE AFTERLIFE.
HERE IN NEW YORK CITY, REAL-FEEL TEMPERATURES HIT 105
DEGREES.
IT'S SO HOT, THE STATUE OF LIBERTY DROPPED THE TOGA.
( LAUGHTER ) THINGS--
>> Jon: OH, MY GOODNESS!
>> Stephen: THINGS ARE EVEN HOT IN ALASKA.
YESTERDAY, TEMPERATURES CLIMBED TO AS HIGH AS 92 DEGREES, WHICH
MEANS THIS YEAR, THE SALMON THE GRIZZLIES ARE CATCHING IS FULLY
COOKED.
( LAUGHTER ) WITH A SIDE OF VEGETABLES,
EVIDENTLY.
IT WAS SO HOT YESTERDAY THAT ALASKA HAD AN ICE QUAKE.
THAT'S RIGHT, GLOBAL WARMING HAS GOTTEN SO BAD THAT WE HAVE TO
LEARN ALL NEW DISASTERS.
NOW WE'VE GOT ICE QUAKES, SAND RAIN, THUNDERNAMIS, LEAF HERPES,
( LAUGHTER ) GETTING STRANGLED BY A RAINBOW.
THESE HIGH TEMPERATURES AND SEVERE DROUGHT CAN CAUSE
WILDFIRES, SO CITIES ACROSS THE U.S. WEST ARE BANNING FOURTH
OF JULY FIREWORKS.
SO, PLEASE, IF YOU'RE IN THOSE STATES, PLEASE CELEBRATE THE
FOURTH RESPONSIBLY: JUST USE WATER BALLOONS TO BLOW OFF YOUR
FINGERS.
PRESIDENT BIDEN IS ALSO TRYING TO TACKLE THE PROBLEM.
TODAY HE MET WITH GOVERNORS FROM WESTERN STATES, AND HE ANNOUNCED
SOME NEW TOOLS TO PREVENT WILDFIRES:
>> NOAA HAS SATELLITE TECHNOLOGY THAT IS ABLE TO SEE FROM SPACE
WHEN NEW FIRES START.
THE DEPARTMENT OF ENERGY HAS A SENSOR RAY COMPUTER ANALYSIS
CAPABILITY THAT CAN DETECT IN REALTIME THE LIGHTNING STRIKES
THAT MIGHT SET OFF A BLAZE.
>> Stephen: WE HAVE LIGHTNING SENSOR RAYS?
THAT'S AWESOME!
DO WE, BY ANY CHANCE, HAVE ANYTHING THAT CAN STOP CLIMATE
CHANGE?
BECAUSE I SWITCHED TO PAPER STRAWS A YEAR AGO, AND I DON'T
THINK THEY'RE WORKING.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THEY COLLAPSED.
THEY COLLAPSE.
IT'S THE LAST DAY OF JUNE 2021, SO, NATURALLY, EVERYONE'S
FOCUSED ON THE 2024 PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION.
( LAUGHTER ) I'LL CATCH YOU UP ON THE LATEST
IN THE FIRST INSTALLMENT OF MY NEW SEGMENT:
>> THE ROAD TO THE WHITE HOUSE?
NO!
THE LAST ELECTION JUST ENDED, AND IT NEARLY BROKE ME!
I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE!
>> Stephen: FIRST UP-- ( APPLAUSE )
FIRST UP, AS ALWAYS, IOWA.
YESTERDAY, THE HAWKEYE STATE GOT AN EXPLORATORY VISIT FROM
ARKANSAS SENATOR AND BUSINESS GIRAFFE, TOM COTTON.
COTTON WAS THERE TO GIVE A STUMP SPEECH.
HE SAID A BUNCH OF STUFF, PROBABLY, BUT NO ONE'S TALKING
ABOUT THAT.
INSTEAD, EVERYONE'S FOCUSED ON SOMETHING HE DID WITH IOWA
SENATOR AND MAN SEEING A STRANGER SITTING ON HIS
BIRD-FEEDING BENCH, CHUCK GRASSLEY.
GRASSLEY, WHO IS 87 YEARS YOUNG-- BY WHICH I MEAN OLD--
JOINED COTTON ONSTAGE AT THE END OF THE SPEECH, AND THIS
HAPPENED: >> ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, FIVE,
SIX, SEVEN, EIGHT.
>> Stephen: WELL, NOW WE KNOW WHY THE REPUBLICANS OPPOSE GUN
CONTROL.
BANG.
BANG, BANG, BANG, BANG, BANG!
IN THERE SOMEPLACE I GOT DO HAND IT TO CHUCK GRASSLEY.
HE IS GEOFF, AND HE IS DOING A PRETTY GOOD JOB THERE.
I CAN'T SAY THE SAME FOR TOM COTTON.
LOOK AT THAT FORM!
GET YOUR HEAD UP!
TOUCHING THE GROUND WITH YOUR HAIR DOESN'T COUNT.
TO BE FAIR, IT'S HARD TO KEEP YOUR BACK STRAIGHT WHEN YOU
DON'T HAVE A SPINE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) BUT WHEN IT-- IS THE PIANO OKAY?
>> Jon: YOU GOTTA GET IT, GET IT!
>> Stephen: BUT WHEN IT COMES TO NEWS-MAKING SUNSHINE TO RAISE
YOUR PRESIDENTIAL PROFILE, COTTON WAS
OVERSHADOWED BY SOUTH DAKOTA GOVERNOR AND BEAUTY PAGEANT
MOM CALLING YOUR TODDLER FAT, KRISTI NOEM.
YESTERDAY, NOEM ANNOUNCED SHE WAS SENDING NATIONAL GUARD
TROOPS TO THE SOUTHERN BORDER.
GOOD.
OH, GOOD FOR TOO LONG, IMMIGRANTS HAVE
BEEN SNEAKING IN FROM NEBRASKA!
WHAT'S THAT?
I'M BEING TOLD SHE SENT THEM TO THE MEXICAN BORDER.
THE GOVERNOR OF SOUTH DAKOTA CAN DO THAT?
IS THAT REALLY WHAT THE FOUNDERS INTENDED?
SHE SHOULD ASK THEM.
THEY'RE FROM SOUTH DAKOTA, TOO.
>> HELL, NO!
>> COME ON!
>> KRISTI NOEM'S DUMB AS A ROCK!
>> Stephen: BUT THE STRANGEST AND MOST UNCONSTITUTIONAL PART
OF THIS STORY IS THAT NOEM IS PAYING FOR THE DEPLOYMENT WITH
A PRIVATE DONATION.
FOR THE MONEY, THE DONOR GOT A PRIVATE ARMY AND A "THIS
AMERICAN JUNTA" TOTE BAG.
THE PRIVATE DONATION CAME FROM TENNESSEE JUNKYARD BILLIONAIRE
AND GUY WHO'S LATE FOR A MEETING, EVEN THOUGH HIS
BEER GUT WAS EARLY, WILLIS JOHNSON.
JOHNSON IS REPORTEDLY PAYING AN UNDISCLOSED SUM THROUGH HIS
PRIVATE FOUNDATION TO SEND MORE THAN FOUR DOZEN MEMBERS OF SOUTH
DAKOTA'S NATIONAL GUARD TO THE SOUTHERN BORDER.
FOUR DOZEN?
ALSO KNOWN AS THE POPULATION OF SOUTH DAKOTA.
( LAUGHTER ) AND IT'S NOT JUST-- SOUTH DAKOTA
IT'S A BEAUTIFULIDATE.
BAUTIFUL STATE.
YOU'VE GOT THE BADLANDS, OTHERS.
IT'SGNOT JUST COTTON AND NOEM.
LOTS OF REPUBLICANS ARE ALREADY JOCKEYING FOR THE 2024
PRESIDENTIAL NOMINATION.
TO NAME A FEW, SOUTH CAROLINA SENATOR TIM SCOTT, FLORIDA
SENATOR RICK SCOTT, AND FORMER SECRETARY OF STATE MIKE
POMPEO.
( AUDIENCE BOOING ) OKAY.
THEN YOU MIGHT ENJOY THESE NEXT JOKES.
IN FACT, POMPEO HAS ALREADY FORMED HIS VERY OWN POLITICAL
ACTION COMMITTEE: CHAMPION AMERICAN VALUES PAC, OR
CAV-PAC.
CAV-PAC IS A FAIRLY AWKWARD NAME, BUT NOT AS BAD AS WHAT
HE'S CALLING HIS FANS AND DONORS: "THE PIPE HITTERS."
( LAUGHTER ) BECAUSE IF YOU THINK MIKE POMPEO
SHOULD BE PRESIDENT, YOU ARE DEFINITELY HITTING THE PIPE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
NOW-- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
♪ ♪ ♪ NOW, APPARENTLY, IN THIS REGARD,
"PIPE HITTER" IS A MILITARY TERM FOR PEOPLE IN SPECIAL OPS, BUT
SOME FOLKS ON THE FAMOUSLY HORNY INTERNET HAD A DIFFERENT
UNDERSTANDING OF PIPE HITTER-- A SEXY UNDERSTANDING.
SO POMPEO SET THEM STRAIGHT BY TWEETING OUT AUDIO FROM THIS
SPEECH: >> BEST C.I.A. OFFICER THAT I
EVER CAME TO KNOW.
I'D ASKED HIM ABOUT SOMEONE WHO WAS WORKING ON OUR TEAM, AND I'D
SAY, "WHAT DO YOU THINK OF HIM?" OR, "WHAT DO YOU THINK OF HER?"
AND HE'D SAY, "LOVE THAT GUY, PIPE HITTER."
HE MEANT THAT PERSON GOT STUFF DONE.
THEY WERE A GRINDER.
THEY KEPT BANGING AWAY.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: SURE.
NOT SEXUAL AT ALL-- JUST A GRINDER WHO KEEPS BANGING AWAY.
"WHEN I SAY 'PIPE HITTER,' I'M TALKING ABOUT SOMEONE WHO'S NOT
AFRAID TO ROLL UP HIS SLEEVES AND REALLY REACH AROUND, YOU
KNOW, GET HIS OR HER HANDS DIRTY.
GIVE THEM ANY HAND JOB, THEY'LL DO IT!
JUST PULLING TOGETHER UNTIL EVERYONE'S FINISHED!"
BUT ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) IF YOU-- IF YOU-- HOLD ON.
NO, NOT WORTH IT.
BUT IF YOU HIT PIPE, POMPEO WANTS TO SEE IT.
ON HIS WEBSITE, IT ENCOURAGES DONORS TO JOIN HIM AS A PIPE
HITTER BY WRITING OR SENDING A VIDEO TO MIKE, WITH A HANDY
PLACE TO RECORD YOUR PIPE HITTING IN ACTION.
NOW, CLEARLY, IT IS OUR DUTY TO SUPPORT THIS MISSION.
EVERYONE OUT THERE, PLEASE, SEND MIKE POMPEO A VIDEO OF YOU
HITTING PIPE-- WHATEVER THAT MEANS TO YOU.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) SPEAKING OF WHICH, THERE'S A
CONTROVERSY INVOLVING FRIEND OF THE SHOW, CNN ANCHOR AND
CONFUSED PORK CHOP, CHRIS CUOMO.
CUOMO RECENTLY RETWEETED SOME VIEWERS WHO HAD PRAISED HIS
WORK ON AIR, WHICH INSPIRED A TWITTER CRITIC TO POST, "YOU'RE
GONNA BREAK YOUR ARM, LET'S SAY, TO PUT IT IN CNN TERMS, GOING
360 ON YOUR OWN SITUATION ROOM."
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, OBVIOUSLY, THAT'S A VERY
RUDE IMPLICATION AND, OBVIOUSLY, THE SMART THING TO DO IS JUST
IGNORE THE TROLLS.
SO CUOMO RETWEETED THE ACCUSATION OF SELF-PLEASURING
WITH THIS PHOTO OF HIS BICEP AND THE CAPTION, "THAT HOW THIS
HAPPENED?!
HAHAHAHA."
OH, MY GOD, CHRIS!
I KNOW YOU'RE PROUD OF YOUR BODY, EVEN THOUGH I BEAT
YOU IN A PUSHUP CONTEST.
BUT I'M NOT SURE YOU WANT TO IMPLY THAT THAT'S HOW YOU GOT
THOSE MUSCLES.
( LAUGHTER ) ALTHOUGH, IF IT IS, YOU MUST
HAVE TO REALLY LIMBER UP BEFORE LEG DAY.
YOU SHOULD SEND MIKE POMPEO A VIDEO!
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
MY GUESTS ARE HARVEY KEITEL AND COMEDIAN RANDALL OTIS.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, "MEANWHILE!"
JOIN US.
♪ ♪ ♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: JON BATISTE AND
STAY HUMAN, EVERYBODY!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪ ♪ ♪
UNDECIDED.
WE'VE GOT FOURTH OF JULY COMING UP THIS SUNDAY.
>> Jon: THAT'S RIGHT.
>> Stephen: I LOVE IT.
IT'S PEAK SUMMER.
>> Jon: THAT'S RIGHT.
YOU GOING TO GRILL.
>> Stephen: WHAT?
>> Jon: YOU GOING TO GRILL SOME HOT DOGS?
>> Stephen: I'M GOING TO TEACH SOME RIBS A LESSON.
THEY'RE GOING TO WISH THEY NEVER MET ME.
THIS SUNDAY.
DO YOU HAVE ANY PLANS?
>> Jon: I'M GOING TO TANGLEWOOD TO PLAY WITH THE
B.S.O.
>> Stephen: THAT'S RIGHT, THAT'S RIGHT.
>> Jon: THIS WEEKEND.
>> Stephen: THAT'S CLASS.
THAT'S PURE CLASS.
ANYBODY THERE GROW UP SOMEPLACE WHERE FIREWORKS WERE LEGAL WHEN
YOU WERE A KID?
SOUTH CAROLINA, TOO.
IT WAS THE BEST REASON TO LIVE DOWN THERE.
FIREWORKS,s CAN'T EVEN DO THAT NOW.
THEY'VE TAKEN EVERYTHING FUN AWAY FROM US.
OBVIOUSLY, CBS IS GOING TO CUT THIS PART OUT BECAUSE FIREWORKS
ARE VERY DANGEROUS.
RIGHT?
PROBABLY NOT GOING TO MAKE IT TO AIR, RIGHT?
WE'LL STOP ON "HIM AT TANGLEWOOD."
THAT'S WHERE THIS WILL END, RIGHT?
( LAUGHTER ) REMEMBER, KIDS, DON'T USE
FIREWORKS.
( LAUGHTER ) YOU KNOW, FOLKS, I'VE SPENT
DECADES CULTIVATING THE MOST RELEVANT RED OAK, FELLING THEM
WITH TOPICAL HUSQVARNAS, MULTI-GRADING THEM INTO THE MOST
BUZZWORTHY THREE-QUARTER INCH FLOORSTRIPS, AND FINISHING THEM
WITH UP-TO-THE-MINUTE HIGH-GLOSS POLYURETHANE, TO LAY FOR YOU THE
FLAWLESS PARQUET N.B.A.-QUALITY BASKETBALL COURT THAT IS MY
NIGHTLY MONOLOGUE.
BUT SOMETIMES, I SCARE THE GEESE OUT OF THE BOG BEHIND MY UNCLE'S
SHED, FILL IT WITH SAND I STOLE FROM AN ABANDONED PLAYGROUND,
THEN BLANKET IT WITH WET TRASH AND DISCARDED AMAZON BOXES, TO
CREATE FOR YOU THE MUSKRAT-RIDDLED BOUNCELESS
BACKYARD WALLBALL PIT OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT:
>> "MEANWHILE!" ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: OH, I DO DECLARE!
I DO DECLARE.
"MEANWHILE "HAS GAVE ME THE VAPORS.
MEANWHILE THE BEATLES' RINGO STARR HAS DROPPED A TRADEMARK
FIGHT OVER "RING" O SEX TOYS.
RINGO ENDING HIS LITIGATION CLEARS THE WAY FOR ALL THE
BEATLES THEMED SEX TOYS YOU'VE BEEN WAITING FOR, LIKE.
THE PAUL MCCART-KNOB, THE BUTT-ISH INVASION,
OBLA-DI OBLA-DILDO, BACK IN THE A.S.S.AHHH,
ELEANOR'S BIG D, SERGEANT PEPPER'S ALWAYS HARD
CLUB BAND, NORWEGIAN WOOD,
BANG BANG MAXWELLS SILVER HAMMER,
AND THE ONE SPECIFICALLY FOR COUPLES: COME TOGETHER.
RIGHT NOW ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
MEANWHILE-- SEND ALL OF THOSE TO MIKE POMPEO.
MEANWHILE, I LIKE TO THINK OF THIS SEGMENT AS A BIT OF A BREAK
FROM SOME OF THE FEARMONGERING AND HYSTERIA OF THE NATIONAL
NEWS, SO TO THAT END: "RATTLESNAKES ARE EVERYWHERE!"
APPARENTLY, CALIFORNIA IS HAVING A MAJOR RATTLESNAKE PROBLEM,
"AN ODD CONSEQUENCE OF THE STATE'S DROUGHT," AND THE SNAKES
ARE LOOKING FOR WATER "ON FRONT PORCHES, IN POTTED PLANTS, AND
UNDER CHILDREN'S PLAY EQUIPMENT."
TO BE FAIR, THE SNAKES HAD TO FIND SOMEWHERE TO GO AFTER THAT
GUY TOLD THEM TO GET OFF HIS MOTHER (BLEEP) PLANE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) IT'S GOOD.
MEANWHILE, THIS WEEKEND, OLYMPIC HEPTATHLON HOPEFUL LINDSAY FLACH
ANNOUNCED THAT SHE WOULD BE COMPETING WHILE 18 WEEKS
PREGNANT.
I GET IT.
I ONCE HAD TO RUN FOR THE BUS WITH A BELLY FULL OF DORITOS.
( LAUGHTER ) I DIDN'T MAKE IT, BUT IT WAS
REALLY ABOUT REPRESENTING AMERICA.
( LAUGHTER ) MEANWHILE, "THE WORLD'S FIRST
ELDERLY SEX ROBOT WITH 'WRINKLES AND SILVER HAIR' HAS BEEN
CREATED BY THE REALDOLL COMPANY."
WELL, IT'S NICE TO SEE SAM WATERSTON GETTING SOME WORK.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
MEANWHILE-- CONGRATULATIONS, SAM, FANTASTIC.
MEANWHILE, SOME FRENCH RESIDENTS OF NEW YORK ARE FIGHTING OVER
THE CITY TO HAVE A "LITTLE PARIS."
PERFECT FOR EVERY NEW YORKER WHO SAID, "I LOVE THIS CITY, BUT I
WISH THE PEOPLE WERE RUDER."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
MEANWHILE, THERE'S A NEW GUINNESS WORLD RECORD AFTER
A BRITISH MAN BROKE THE M&M STACKING RECORD.
THAT'S GOING TO BE AWKWARD AT THE GUINNESS AWARDS LUNCHEON.
"HELLO, I HOLD THE WORLD RECORD FOR MOST CONSECUTIVE PUSHUPS AT
10,000."
"OH, HI, I PUT SOME CHOCOLATE CANDIES ON TOP OF EACH OTHER."
I'M SURE YOU ARE WONDERING HOW MANY HUNDREDS, IF NOT THOUSANDS
OF M&Ms IT TOOK TO BREAK THIS RECORD?
WELL, BRACE YOURSELF, BECAUSE THE NEW RECORD IS A WHOPPING
FIVE M&Ms.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
WHEN I WAS A KID, IT WAS LIKE WORLD'S FATTEST MAN.
LONGEST FINGERNAILS.
FIVE M&Ms.
I ASSUME HE WAS THE FIRST GUY TO ATTEMPT THE RECORD?
LET'S TRY THIS: I BROKE THE RECORD FOR MOST
STAPLERS STACKED ON TOP OF A MOST STAPLERS IN A MUG!
TWO RECORDS, PLEASE!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH HARVEY KEITEL.
♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY,
WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) FOLKS, MY FIRST GUEST IS AN
ACADEMY AWARD NOMINATED ACTOR YOU KNOW FROM "RESERVOIR
DOGS," "NATIONAL TREASURE," AND "THE IRISHMAN."
HE NOW STARS IN THE NEW FILM "LANSKY."
>> THEY ACCUSED ME OF MAKING A PRESIDENT.
NOW, I DON'T KNOW MR. NIXON ANY MORE THAN WHAT I'VE READ IN THE
NEWSPAPERS.
THEY CLAIM I HAD 50% CASINOS, 50% OF MONT CALLERO.
NOW, HOW RIDICULOUS CAN WE GET.
>> MR. LANSKY, IS THERE SUCH A THING AS ORGANIZED CRIME?
>> I HAVE NO KNOWLEDGE ON THE SUBJECT.
>> Stephen: PLEASE WELCOME TO THE LATE SHOW, HARVEY
KEITEL!
♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE )
♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: THANKS FOR BEING
HERE.
>> YOU'RE NOT ED SULLIVAN.
( LAUGHTER ) OKAY.
>> Stephen: HARVEY, YOU'VE HAD AN AMAZING CAREER.
THE MOVIES I NAMED, OF COURSE, ALSO "TAXI DRIVER" "THE PIANO,"
"SMOKES, "YOUR VARIETY OF YOUR "NATIONAL TREASURES."
NAMED, OF COURSE, BECAUSE IT CONTAINS NATIONAL TREASURE
HARVEY KEITEL.
NOW, HOW DID YOU FIRST GET INTERESTED IN ACTING?
>> WELL,s, I WAS WORKING FOR THE CITY OF NEW YORK AT THE TIME.
IT WAS LIKE OUT OF A KAFKA NOVEL.
I WAS A CITY EMPLOYEE, AND THIS VERY HANDSOME GREEK GUY I WORKED
WITH, SAID DO YOU WANT TO SEE ABOUT ACTING LESSONS?
AND I SAID OKAY, YOU KNOW.
SO I WAS JUST OUT OF THE MANNER CORPS, LIKE JUST A COUPLE OF
YEARS AT THAT TIME YOU.
>> Stephen: HAD BEEN IN THE MARINES, AND WHAT WERE YOU DOING
FOR THE CITY?
>> I WAS A COURT STENOGRAPHER FOR THE CITY.
>> Stephen: A COURT STENOGRAPHER.
>> YEAH.
HE TAKES ME TO THIS PLACE AND WE WALK INTO A BUILDING ON 23rd
STREET AND FIFTH AVENUE.
AND WE WALKED IN AND THE BUILDING THE THE STAIRCASE WAS
SLANTED, IT WAS LIKE A SLUM.
WE WALKED UP FIVE FLIGHTS OF STAIRS AND WE OPENED A DOOR TO A
HUGE LOFT, AND THERE WAS A DESK THERE AND A GUY SITTING BEHIND
THE DESK.
HE LOOKED A LITTLE DIRTY AND DUSTY.
SOY WOO WALKED OVER TO HIM AND WE START TO TALK ABOUT ACTING.
AND I'M SITTING THERE.
I DIDN'T KNOW FROM ACTING.
I JUST DIDN'T KNOW.
AND MY FRIEND STARTED TO LEAVE.
HE SAID, "HARVEY, I'M GOING TO GO."
>> Stephen: THIS IS TOO SKETCHY FOR HIM?
( LAUGHTER ) AND I SAID, "WELL, I'M GOING TO
STAY."
SO I STAYED.
AND SO THE GUY SAYS TO ME, "YOU SEE THAT COAT RACK OVER THERE?"
I SAID, "YEAH."
HE SAYS, "GO OVER AND COUNT ALL THOSE HANGARS.
HOW MANY DO YOU THINK THERE ARE?"
I SAID, "WELL, OKAY."
I WALKED OVER, I STARTED COUNTING THEM.
I CAME BACK.
HE SAID, "DID YOU COUNT THEM?" I SAID, "YEAH."
HE SAID, "HOW MANY ARE THERE?" I SAID, LIKE, 60."
HE SAID, "DID YOU COUNT EVERY ONE OF THEM?"
I THOUGHT HE WAS PUTTING ME ON, YOU KNOW, BECAUSE I WAS-- YOU
KNOW, I I JUST DIDN'T KNOW.
I WANTED TO HIT HIM.
( LAUGHTER ) I SAID, "NO, I DIDN'T COUNT
EVERY ONE OF THEM."
AND HE SAID, "WELL, ANY BACK AND COUNT EVERY ONE."
OF COURSE, ACTING IS DOING THINGS TRUTHFULLY WITH A
PURPOSE.
AND THAT WAS THE FIRST ACTING LESSON I EVER HAD.
>> Stephen: WOW.
( APPLAUSE ) WHAT DO YOU THINK-- I'VE ALWAYS
BEEN CURIOUS-- I TAUGHT IMPROVISATION WHEN I WAS
YOUNGER, WHEN I WAS A YOUNG IMPROV COMEDIAN.
I USED TO SAY TO THE PEOPLE I WAS TEACHING, "THE REAL THING IS
I'M NOT REALLY TEACHING YOU SOMETHING RIGHT NOW.
I AM REVEALING TO YOU THROUGH THESE EXERCISES YOUR ABILITY TO
DO IT.
I'M NOT ACTUALLY GIVING IT TO YOU.
I'M REVEALING YOUR OWN TALENT."
WHAT DO YOU THINK THE PURPOSE OF ACTING CLASSES ARE?
>> TO BRING YOU IN CLOSER CONTACT WITH YOU, WHO YOU ARE,
AND THE CHARACTER YOU'RE PLAYING.
AND THE IMPROVISATION IS REALLY BEST FOR THAT.
BECAUSE YOU'RE FORCED INTO YOURSELF WITHOUT HAVING LINES.
WHAT YOU'RE GOING TO SAY IS GOING TO COME PURELY FROM
YOURSELF.
>> Stephen: YOU HAVE A KNACK FOR SPOTTING EMERGING TALENT,
ESPECIALLY IN DIRECTORS.
YOU QUITE FAMOUSLY HAVE BEEN IN THE FIRST MOVIES OF SOME
BRILLIANT DIRECTORS,s SCORSESE, RIDLEY SCOTT, PAUL
SCHROEDER, QUENTIN TARANTINO, AMONG OTHERS.
IS THERE SOMETHING COMMON IN YOUR MIND TO FIRST-TIME
DIRECTORS, AGREEMENT FIRST-TIME DIRECTORS?
IS THERE SOME COMMONALITY BETWEEN TARANTINO OR SCORSESE,
PAUL SCHROEDER?
>> SOMEBODY ASKED ME THAT QUESTION ONCE AND ALL I COULD
DESCRIBE IT AS, YOU KNOW THAT PARTY YOU WENT TO, YOU WALKED
IN, PACKED WITH PEOPLE.
AND YOU SAW THAT ONE GIRL, AND YOU SAID, "THAT'S THE ONE."
THAT'S WHAT IT WAS LIKE MEETING THESE DIRECTORS THAT YOU'RE
TALKING ABOUT.
JANE CHAMPION AMONGST THEM, ALMOST A FIRST FILM.
JUST SOMETHING-- IT'S SORT OF-- YOU CAN'T PUT A HANDLE ON IT.
IT'S SOMETHING THAT TAKES PLACE BETWEEN YOU AND THAT GIRL.
>> Stephen: IS-- IS THERE SOMETHING THAT YOU THINK THAT
ALL THESE SAME DIRECTORS SEE IN YOU?
LIKE, WHAT IS THE ESSENCE OF HARVEY KEITEL FROM A DIRECTOR'S
POINT OF VIEW?
>> THEY MAYBE SAW IN ME THE SAME GIRL.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE A QUICK BREAK.
DON'T GO ANYWHERE.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE HARVEY KEITEL.
♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE )
WE'RE BACK HERE WITH THE STAR OF "LANSKY," HARVEY KEITEL.
I'M GOING TO ASK YOU ABOUT WORKING WITHITARIAN TINO FOR THE
FIRST TIME.
OBVIOUSLY, MANY PEOPLE KNOW YOU FROM PLAYING MR. WHITE IN
"RESERVOIR DOGS."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
NOW, THAT'S TARANTINO'S FIRST FILM, I THINK.
DO I HAVE-- YEAH, I HAVE A SHOT OF THE TWO OF YOU TOGETHER HERE.
THIS IS THAT SCENE RIGHT THERE, WHICH GETS QUITE DARK BY THE END
OF IT.
>> I LOVE THAT SHOT BECAUSE IT'S SO HONEST.
>> Stephen: WHAT-- WHAT ARE YOU HONESTLY SEEING THERE?
WHAT'S ACTUALLY HAPPENING IN THIS MOMENT?
>> WELL, I DON'T REMEMBER WHAT THE PROBLEM WAS WE WERE TRYING
TO SOLVE.
BUT, OBVIOUSLY, WE BOTH WERE TALKING OVER A MOMENT IN THE
MOVIE THAT WE WERE LOOKING FOR THE AUTHENTICITY OF, TO CREATE
IT IN AN AUTHENTIC WAY.
WE WERE DISCUSSING, YOU KNOW, ABOUT HOW MAYBE I WANT TO GO
ABOUT IT.
>> Stephen: I UNDERSTAND THAT HE WOULD JUST RAID YOUR
REFRIGERATOR ANY CHANCE HE COULD.
>> NO, NO.
>> Stephen: BECAUSE HE HAD NO MONEY AND NO FOOD.
>> NO, I OFFERED HIM SOMETHING TO EAT OR DRINK, OR WHATEVER.
HE SAID YES, AND I SAID, "HELP YOURSELF."
HE OPENS THE FRIDGE, HE TAKES OUT WHATEVER HE WANTS, GOT A
LITTLE FOOD-- I WAS SURPRISED.
AND THEN, EVERY OTHER MEETING WE HAD IN THE HOUSE, HE KEPT GOING
TO FRIDGE BECAUSE I SAID-- ( LAUGHTER ).
TRUTH.
AND HE STARTED JUST EATING EVERYTHING.
( LAUGHTER ) AND I STARTED THEN PUTTING THE
OLD FOOD IN THE FRONT.
( LAUGHTER ) THE GOOD FOOD IN THE BACK.
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: DO YOU THINK
THAT'S-- DO YOU THINK MAYBE THAT'S WHY HE STARTS "RESERVOIR
DOGS" IN A DINER SO HE CAN GET A FREE MEAL OUT OF IT?
>> WELL, I DO KNOW HE WAS HUNGRY ACTUALLY THEN.
HE HAD NO MONEY.
HE WAS A STUDENT.
NO, NO, HE WAS WORKING IN A ZOO STORE THEN BUT HE DIDN'T HAVE
ANY MONEY.
>> Stephen: PEOPLE ALSO KNOW YOU'RE OLD FRIENDS WITH YOUR OLD
FRIEND AND OURS ROBERT De NIRO.
HERE YOU ARE IN "MEAN STREETS," THERE YOU ARE, LOOKING YOUR
SUNDAY BEST.
IT LOOKS LIKE THE TWO OF YOU ARE TALKING TO SOMEBODY SAYING,
"HEY, COME ON IN.
WE'VE GOT SOME WINE."
IS IT TRUE THAT YOU CAN CREDIT YOUR MARRIAGE OF 20 YEARS TO
HIM?
>> UH, AND MORE THAN THAT.
I MET MY WIFE IN ROME AT A PARTY FOR ROBERT.
AND THE GIRL WAS THAT ONE IN THE ROOM.
SHE ALLOWED ME TO TAKE HER TO DINNER AT THE BOLANAISE, IF YOU
KNOW THAT RESTAURANT.
>> Stephen: OF COURSE.
HOW COULD I NOT KNOW THAT RESTAURANT?
( LAUGHTER ).
>> AND WE HAD DINNER, AND THEN I CALLED BACK AGAIN THE SECOND
NIGHT, AND SHE CAME.
WE HAD DINNER THE SECOND NIGHT.
AND THEN I ASKED HER IF SHE'D LIKE A DRINK AT MY HOTEL ROOM.
AND SHE SAID, "NO, THANK YOU."
MENT ( LAUGHTER )
AND I SPENT A LOT OF MONEY ON HER.
IT WAS A GOOD RESTAURANT.
( LAUGHTER ) AND THEY EVEN LET HER COUNT THE
MONEY BECAUSE I HAD LIRE, AND I COULDN'T TRANSLATE THE LIRE INTO
DOLLARS.
I SAID, "HERE, YOU DO IT."
AND I HAD A PILE OF IT, A LOT OF IT.
I DIDN'T KNOW THEN THAT SHE WAS HUNGRY ALSO.
( LAUGHTER ) AND SO I-- SO SHE COUNTED OUT
THE MONEY -- >> Stephen: MAYBE DIDN'T GIVE
YOU THE CHANGE BACK.
>> NO, BUT SHE DID LOOK AT IT LIKE, YOU KNOW...
AND THEN I CALLED HER THE THIRD NIGHT, AND SHE WOULDN'T GO OUT
WITH ME AGAIN.
>> Stephen: >> Stephen: WHY NOT?
>> THAT'S WHAT I SAID.
AND THEN I MET HER AGAIN 17 YEARS LATER AT ANOTHER PARTY--
WELL, SHE HADN'T TOLD ME THAT SHE WAS LIVING WITH A GUY.
>> Stephen: OH, BACK IN ROME SHE WAS LIVING WITH A GUY.
>> YEAH, SHE WAS HUNGRY.
( LAUGHTER ) QUENTIN WAS HUNGRY.
SHE WAS HUNGRY.
WHAT IS IT ABOUT ME?
( LAUGHTER ) BUT THIS WAS, LIKE, A HOLLYWOOD
PARTY THAT I DID NOT WANT TO GO TO.
BUT TWO OF MY FRIENDS COULDN'T GET INTO THE PARTY, SO THEY CAME
OVER MY HOUSE TO GET ME.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: YOU WERE-- YOU
WERE THE FAMOUS TROJAN HORSE FOR THEM TO GO IN.
>> THAT'S RIGHT, THAT'S RIGHT.
AND THEY SAID, "YOU'RE GOING TO THE PARTY.
YOU KNOW WE CAN'T GET IN WITHOUT YOU."
AND THEY ACTUALLY DRAGGED ME OUT THEREOF.
I DIDN'T WANT TO GO TO THIS...
PARTY.
AND THERE WAS THIS GIRL I BOUGHT TWO DINNERS FOR AT THE BOLANISE
17 YEARS AGO.
AND IT WAS MY WIFE DAPHNE.
AND I MET HER AT THE PARTY FOR ROBERT De NIRO, THE SECOND
PARTY FOR HIM.
AND THEN WE STAY STAYED TOGETHER, AND SEVEN WEEKS LATER
I WAS GOING TO A FILM FESTIVAL IN ITALY, AND I ASKED HER TO
COME WITH ME, AND SHE SAID YES.
AND ON THE FLIGHT, I SAID, "WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT GETTING
MARRIED?" BUT SHE GAVE A GREAT ANSWER.
SHE SAID, "OKAY."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: NICELY DONE.
NICELY DONE.
>> WE GOT MARRIED BUT THE TOPPER WAS WE GET PREGNANT A YEAR OR SO
LATER, AND OUR SON WAS BORN ON ROBERT De NIRO'S BIRTHDAY.
I'M NOT A WOO-WOO GUY, BUT THIS ONE GOT ME.
>> Stephen: HARVEY, IT WAS LOVELY TO HAVE YOU.
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING HERE.
PLEASE COME AGAIN.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) "LANSKY" IS IN THEATERS NOW.
THE MAN IS HARVEY KEITEL, EVERYBODY.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH COMEDIAN RANDALL OTIS.
THANK YOU.
♪ ♪ ♪ >> YESTERDAY WE HEARD FROM A
WHISTLEBLOWER WITHIN THE U.S.
GOVERNMENT TO REACHED OUT TO WARN US THAT THE N.S.A., THE
NATIONAL SECURITY AGENCY, IS MONITORING OUR ELECTRONIC
COMMUNICATIONS AND IS PLANNING TO LEAK THEM IN AN ATTEMPT THE
TO TAKE THIS SHOW OFF THE AIR.
>> IS LAW ENFORCEMENT ABOUT TO EXPOSE YOU FOR DOING SOMETHING
REALLY BAD?
THEN DO WHAT TUCKER CARLSON DOES AND POLITICIZE IT.
>> LITTLE GIRL, DID YOU STEAL THAT WAND FROM MY STORE?
>> YOU'RE JUST AFTER ME BECAUSE I'M A CONSERVATIVE.
>> SCREW THAT NOISE.
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY,
WELCOME BACK!
FOLKS, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MY NEXT GUEST IS A "DAILY SHOW"
WRITER AND STAND-UP COMEDIAN MAKING HIS NETWORK TELEVISION
DEBUT.
PLEASE WELCOME RANDALL OTIS!
♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE )
>> YO, WHAT'S UP, EVERYBODY?
GOOD TO SEE YOU PEOPLE.
YEAH.
I'M NOT-- I'M NOT FROM HERE ORIGINALLY.
I'M FROM FLORIDA WHERE-- I'M SORRY.
( LAUGHTER ) I COULD HEAR THE JUDGMENT IN
YOUR HEARTS.
( LAUGHTER ) WE HAVE THE WORST REPUTATION OUT
OF ANY STATE.
LIKE, I MEET SOMEBODY ELSE FROM FLORIDA AND WE BOTH THINK LESS
OF EACH OTHER.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
OKAY, LET'S NOT CLAP TOO HARD FOR THAT.
( LAUGHTER ) LIKE, GROWING UP I WANTED TO BE
FROM A COOLER PLACE.
LIKE, I WANTED TO BE FROM ATLANTA SO BAD.
ATLANTA IS DOPE.
IT'S THE COOLEST PLACE I'VE EVER BEEN.
IT IS THE BLACKEST PLACE I'VE EVER BEEN.
AND I'VE BEEN TO AFRICA THREE TIMES.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THAT'S HOW BLACK ATLANTA IS.
I CAN'T FRONT THOUGH.
I'M FROM A RICH SUBURB IN FLORIDA.
BUT MY DAD IS FROM COMPTON, BUT HE BECAME THIS REALLY SUCCESSFUL
BUSINESSMAN, BUT HE STILL BRINGS COMPTON ENERGY TO NON-COMPTON
SITUATIONS.
LIKE, I REMEMBER ONE TIME, ME AND THE REST OF THE FAMILY WERE
JUST CHILLING IN THE LIVING ROOM.
HE BUSTS IN LIKE, "YOU ALL GOING TO FINISH THIS CAVIAR?"
I'M LIKE ALL RIGHT.
WE LIVE IN A GATED COMMUNITY, MAN.
RELAX, YOU'RE SAFE.
HE'S ABSURD.
I REMEMBER ONE TIME WE WENT TO AN OPERA TOGETHER, MIDDLE OF THE
OPERA, HE JUST LEANS OVER TO ME LIKE, "DAMN, THESE BITCHES CAN
SING."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
HOW DID YOU MAKE IT THIS FAR?
WE'RE WEARING TUXEDOS, BRO.
MY MOM IS THE EXACT SAME WAY.
MY MOM GREW UP REAL POOR.
SHE'S DOING REAL WELL BUT IT'S HARD TO SHAKE THAT MENTALITY.
ONE TIME WE WENT TO THIS SUPER FANCY RESTAURANT, AND SHE HAS
THIS BRAND NEW CHANEL PURSE AND WHEN THE WAITER WALKED AWAY, SHE
STARTED STUFFING BREAD IN HER PURSE.
I SAID, "MA, WE HAVE BREAD AT HOME."
SHE SAID, "YEAH, I STOLE IT FROM THE OTHER RESTAURANT."
THEY RADICALIZED ME WHEN I WAS YOUNG.
WHEN I WAS A KID THEY READ EXCERPTS FROM MAT COMXX'S
AUTOBIOGRAPHY, AND I THEY HAD TO STOP BECAUSE I STARTED BEATING
UP KIDS ON THE PLAYGROUND.
AND THEY WERE ALL LIBERAL, KIDS, TOO-- "AH, WE DESERVED IT!
AH."
LOSERS.
I'M LIBERAL, BUT, DUDE, LIBERALS ARE SOME OF THE FUNNIEST PEOPLE
ON EARTH.
RICH LIBERALS ARE THE BEST BECAUSE THEY'RE VERY ASHAMED OF
ALL THE MONEY THEY HAVE.
I FEEL LIKE RICH LIBERALS WERE THE ONES WHO CREATED THAT IDEA
OF CHECKING YOUR PRIVILEGE JUST TO BE ABLE TO BRAG OPENLY.
LIKE, "YEAH, I'M A WHITE CIS GENDERED HETEROSEXUAL MALE,
PRIVATE JET, AND YOU KNOW WHAT?
THAT'S JUST SOMETHING I'M GOING TO HAVE TO LEARN TO LIVE WITH."
( APPLAUSE ) AM WE ALL HAVE OUR STRUGGLES IN
LIFE, AND THIS IS MINE.
FLORIDA, IT'S, OBVIOUSLY, WAS VERY RACIST AS WELL, ONE OF THE
MOST RACIST THINGS I EVER HEARD WAS IN FLORIDA WHICH IS A GUY
WHO SAID-- "BACK IN THE DAY, MY FAMILY WOULD OWN YOUR FAMILY."
I WAS LIKE, "HONEY, YOU LEASE A FORD FOCUS.
YOU COULD NEVER AFFORD ME."
TA-TA!
( APPLAUSE ) YEAH.
BEFORE-- BEFORE I WAS A COMEDIAN I WAS ACTUALLY A DANCER FOR MOST
OF MY LIFE.
AND I WAS ALWAYS THE ONLY STRAIGHT DANCER IN EVERY TEAM I
WAS ON, AND I WAS NEVER THE BEST DANCER AND I FELT LIKE IT WAS
BECAUSE I WASN'T GAY, WHICH DOESN'T MAKE SENSE.
BUT I FEEL LIKE HOW WHITE RAPPERS FEEL LIKE "I AM JUST A
GUEST IN THIS SPACE.
I KNOW MY POSITION."
( APPLAUSE ) AND I'D HAVE BULLIES, TOO.
"WHAT'S UP WITH YOU, MAN, ARE YOU GAY?"
"I WISH."
MAYBE I COULD NAIL A PIROUETTE FOR ONCE.
I'M REAL JUST BORING SEXUALLY.
IT MAKES ME ARTISTICALLY INSECURE.
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT?
BECAUSE EVERY ARTIST, LIKE JAMES JOYCE HAD FETISHES, MOZART HAD
FETISHES.
IF I HEAR ABOUT A GUY WHO LIKES GETTING BREEP ON, I'M LIKE HE
PROBABLY GETS PAID REAL GOOD.
I'M SO BORING IS MAKES ME FEEL LIKE I'LL NEVER MAKE ANYTHING
GREAT.
I'LL BE HAVING MISSIONARY SEX AND I'LL BE ENJOYING IT, BUT
THERE'S A VOICE IN THE BACK OF YOUR HEAD, "THIS IS WHY YOU'RE
NEVER GOING TO WRITE A NOVEL."
( APPLAUSE ) THERE'S JUST-- THERE'S JUST A
FRENCH ART CRITIC IN MY BRAIN LIKE, "UNINSPIRED.
COME BACK WHEN YOU'RE HAVING SEX ON THE MOON."
( LAUGHTER ) YEAH.
BUT IN HIGH SCHOOL, YEAH, I WAS A DANCER.
I WAS ON THE DANCE TEAM, AND THE FOOTBALL TEAM.
SO IT WAS LIKE IF SPIKE LEE DIRECTED "HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL."
AND I DON'T KNOW IF THERE'S ANY THEATER KIDS IN HERE, BUT...
( APPLAUSE ) YEAH.
YOU'RE LOOKING AT ME LIKE, "I SHOULD BE UP THERE."
( LAUGHTER ) ALL RIGHT, THEN YOU'LL KNOW WHAT
I'M TALKING ABOUT.
I FEEL LIKE IN HOLLYWOOD, IN MOVIES, WE'RE ALWAYS PORTRAYED
AS THE VICTIMS.
BUT IF YOU KNOW THEATER KIDS, THEY'RE SOME OF THE MEANEST
PEOPLE YOU'LL EVER MEET IN YOUR LIFE.
SERIOUSLY.
LIKE, I REMEMBER I WOULD LEAVE FOOTBALL PRACTICE TO GO DANCE.
ALL THE FOOTBALL PLAYERS WOULD CALL ME GAY.
I WAS LIKE, "I'M WORKING ON IT.
THE.
THE BUT THEN I WOULD LEAVE DANCE PRACTICE TO STUDY MY PLAY BOOK,
AND ALL THE DANCERS WOULD BE LIKE, "WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO
HUDDLE UP WITH YOUR BOYS AND HAVE SEX TOGETHER?"
AND I WAS LIKE WHAT?
I THOUGHT YOU ALL WERE GAY.
THEY WERE LIKE, "WE ARE, BUT WE'RE ALSO BITCHES."
WELCOME TO HIGH SCHOOL.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THANK YOU, EVERYBODY.
HAVE A GOOD NIGHT.
>> Stephen: YOU CAN FOLLOW HIM ON TWITTER AT "RANDALL
OTIS TV."
RANDALL OTIS, EVERYBODY!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
( APPLAUSE ) >> THAT'S IT FOR "THE LATE
SHOW."
TUNE IN TOMORROW WHEN MY GUEST THE WONDERFUL MR. JIM GAFFIGAN.
JAMES CORDEN IS NEXT.
GOOD NIGHT.
>> THE PAUL DECART KNOB.
THE BUTTISH INVASION.
HERE COMES THE DONG?
WHAT'S-- WHAT'S THAT?
HERE COMES-- >> THE SUN.
>> HERE COMES THE DONG IS NOT CLOSE ENOUGH.
( LAUGHTER ) HERE COMES THE DONG.