1 00:00:01,334 --> 00:00:03,336 >> BREAKING NEWS JUST MOMENTS AGO FROM "THE WASHINGTON POST," 2 00:00:03,403 --> 00:00:06,639 REPORTING THAT A MANHATTAN GRAND JURY HAS FILED CRIMINAL 3 00:00:06,706 --> 00:00:09,609 INDICTMENTS AGAINST THE TRUMP ORGANIZATION AND HIS LONG-TIME 4 00:00:09,676 --> 00:00:19,652 CHIEF FINANCIAL OFFICER ALLEN WEISSELBERG. 5 00:00:19,719 --> 00:00:56,523 CHIEF FINANCIAL OFFICER ALLEN WEISSELBERG. 6 00:00:56,589 --> 00:01:01,227 >> Announcer: IT'S "THE LATE SHOW" WITH STEPHEN COLBERT! 7 00:01:01,294 --> 00:01:06,466 TONIGHT, A LONG-TIME COMING. 8 00:01:06,533 --> 00:01:10,937 PLUSSTEPHEN WELCOMES JIM GAFFIGAN AND MUSICAL GUEST 9 00:01:11,004 --> 00:01:14,474 JP SAXE AND JOHN MAYER, FEATURING JON BATISTE AND "STAY 10 00:01:14,541 --> 00:01:15,708 HUMAN." 11 00:01:15,775 --> 00:01:20,480 AND NOW LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK 12 00:01:20,547 --> 00:01:26,486 CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT! 13 00:01:26,553 --> 00:01:36,529 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪♪ 14 00:01:36,596 --> 00:01:46,439 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪♪ 15 00:01:46,506 --> 00:01:49,108 ( CHEERING ) ( AUDIENCE CHANTING STEPHEN ) 16 00:01:49,175 --> 00:01:50,543 >> Stephen: HAPPY THURSDAY. 17 00:01:50,610 --> 00:01:51,711 HEY, EVERYBODY! 18 00:01:51,778 --> 00:01:52,645 HEY, CHRIS! 19 00:01:52,712 --> 00:01:53,379 HEY, MIKE! 20 00:01:53,446 --> 00:01:57,717 WHAT'S GOING ON? 21 00:01:57,784 --> 00:01:59,886 THANK YOU, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! 22 00:01:59,953 --> 00:02:00,653 ALL OF YA. 23 00:02:00,720 --> 00:02:04,824 GOOD TO SEE YA! 24 00:02:04,891 --> 00:02:07,126 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪♪ 25 00:02:07,193 --> 00:02:12,732 THANK YOU, GENTLEMEN. 26 00:02:12,799 --> 00:02:14,534 MM-HMM, MM-HMM, MM-HMM. 27 00:02:14,601 --> 00:02:21,841 WWWELCOME, WELCOME, EVERYBODY, T "THE LATE SHOW." 28 00:02:21,908 --> 00:02:25,612 I'M YOUR SHOWS STEPHEN COLBERT. 29 00:02:25,678 --> 00:02:26,913 IT IS ON NIGHTS LIKE THIS THAT I UNDERSTAND THE PRIVILEGE, THE 30 00:02:26,980 --> 00:02:30,550 RESPONSIBILITY OF A SHOW LIKE THIS - TO COME OUT HERE AND TALK 31 00:02:30,617 --> 00:02:34,554 WITH YOU, THE AMERICAN PEOPLE, ABOUT THE EVENTS TODAY THAT WILL 32 00:02:34,621 --> 00:02:43,997 FOREVER CHANGE THE COURSE OF OUR NATION'S HISTORY, OR NOT. 33 00:02:44,063 --> 00:02:46,533 ( LAUGHTER ) TOO EARLY TO TELL. 34 00:02:46,599 --> 00:02:48,568 BUT I DO KNOW THIS: TODAY THE FORMER PRESIDENT'S COMPANY 35 00:02:48,635 --> 00:02:50,603 WAS INDICTED BY NEW YORK PROSECUTORS. 36 00:02:50,670 --> 00:02:56,643 (AUDIENCE GOES WILD) >> Jon: THE BELL RUNG. 37 00:02:56,709 --> 00:03:02,615 >> Stephen: THE BELL TOLLED. 38 00:03:02,682 --> 00:03:06,619 AND -- AND -- AROUND I WANT TO JOIN YOU IN THAT FEELING, BUT I 39 00:03:06,686 --> 00:03:10,323 HAVE BEEN HURT TOO MANY TIMES. 40 00:03:10,390 --> 00:03:11,724 FIRST I FELL IN LOVE WITH THE MUELLER REPORT, THEN I BOUNCED 41 00:03:11,791 --> 00:03:14,594 BACK WITH THE IMPEACHMENT, THEN I GAVE IT ONE MORE CHANCE WITH 42 00:03:14,661 --> 00:03:17,063 THE OTHER IMPEACHMENT. 43 00:03:17,130 --> 00:03:22,302 I JUST -- I JUST HURT, YOU KNOW... 44 00:03:22,368 --> 00:03:23,403 ( LAUGHTER ) PLUS, AS THIS DAY WAS 45 00:03:23,469 --> 00:03:25,371 APPROACHING, I DESPERATELY WANTED TO BELIEVE THAT THIS 46 00:03:25,438 --> 00:03:27,941 WOULD BE THE THING, BUT ALL THE EXPERTS WERE SAYING THAT THESE 47 00:03:28,007 --> 00:03:35,148 CHARGES, UNLIKE THE FORMER PRESIDENT, SEEMED KINDA THIN. 48 00:03:35,214 --> 00:03:36,249 ( AUDIENCE REACTS ) PLUS, IT WAS UNLIKELY THE FORMER 49 00:03:36,316 --> 00:03:43,456 PRESIDENT WAS EVEN GOING TO BE PERSONALLY INDICTED. 50 00:03:43,523 --> 00:03:48,227 AND IN HIS FILING, HE'S NOT PERSONALLY INTIED. 51 00:03:48,294 --> 00:03:49,429 NOTHING STICKS TO THIS GUY. 52 00:03:49,495 --> 00:03:50,630 I'D CALL HIM TEFLON DON, BUT I'M PRETTY SURE THAT COATING IS 53 00:03:50,697 --> 00:03:55,468 DECK SEALANT. 54 00:03:55,535 --> 00:03:56,002 HALF HALF. 55 00:03:56,069 --> 00:03:56,836 >> Jon: HIT THE DECK! 56 00:03:56,903 --> 00:03:58,037 >> Stephen: YOU GOT TO. 57 00:03:58,104 --> 00:04:01,341 THIS TIME TO HAVE THE YEAR, YOU'VE GOT TO PUT A COATING ON 58 00:04:01,407 --> 00:04:02,375 TO LOCK IN THE JUICES. 59 00:04:02,442 --> 00:04:03,476 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WELL, THIS AFTERNOON, THE 60 00:04:03,543 --> 00:04:04,777 CHARGES WERE PRESENTED IN COURT AGAINST COMPANY C.F.O. 61 00:04:04,844 --> 00:04:08,448 WEISSLEBERG IN CUFFS HEADING INTO COURTROOM. 62 00:04:08,514 --> 00:04:12,452 HE'S THE ONE IN HANDCUFFS. 63 00:04:12,518 --> 00:04:14,520 ( LAUGHTER ) THIS IS A MOMENT OF RECKONING. 64 00:04:14,587 --> 00:04:18,858 IT'S LIKE THE END OF AVENGERS, WHEN TONY STARK SNAPS HIS 65 00:04:18,925 --> 00:04:24,797 FINGERS AND DESTROYS THANOS' ACCOUNTANT. 66 00:04:24,864 --> 00:04:30,870 ( LAUGHTER ) GOT TO WORK YOUR WAY UP TO 67 00:04:30,937 --> 00:04:31,337 THANOS. 68 00:04:31,404 --> 00:04:32,639 THEY'LL GET THERE. 69 00:04:32,705 --> 00:04:33,773 THE 73-YEAR-OLD WEISSELBERG IS POSSIBLY FACING DECADES IN 70 00:04:33,840 --> 00:04:35,975 PRISON. 71 00:04:36,042 --> 00:04:40,179 PROSECUTORS ARE USING THE THREAT OF THAT LONG SENTENCE TO 72 00:04:40,246 --> 00:04:44,784 PRESSURE HIM TO FLIP ON FORMER PRESIDENT MANGO UNCHAINED. 73 00:04:44,851 --> 00:04:48,821 ( LAUGHTER ) WILL IT WORK? 74 00:04:48,888 --> 00:04:50,223 MAYBE. 75 00:04:50,289 --> 00:04:52,759 BECAUSE WEISSELBERG'S FORMER DAUGHTER-IN-LAW SAYS THAT THE 76 00:04:52,825 --> 00:04:54,861 TWO ARE LIKE BATMAN AND ROBIN, THEY'RE A TEAM. 77 00:04:54,927 --> 00:04:59,198 THEY'RE NOT BEST FRIENDS. 78 00:04:59,265 --> 00:05:04,470 ( LAUGHTER ) HOLD ON! 79 00:05:04,537 --> 00:05:06,205 BATMAN AND ROBIN AREN'T BEST FRIENDS? 80 00:05:06,272 --> 00:05:11,711 HOW MANY BOMBSHELLS CAN AMERICANS TAKE IN ONE DAY? 81 00:05:11,778 --> 00:05:15,214 ( LAUGHTER ) I DON'T UNDERSTAND! 82 00:05:15,281 --> 00:05:16,816 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: IT'S TOO MUCH. 83 00:05:16,883 --> 00:05:19,952 IT'S TOO MUCH. 84 00:05:20,019 --> 00:05:24,824 ANYWAY, WE HERE AT THE LATE SHOW WILL STAY ON THIS STORY AS IT 85 00:05:24,891 --> 00:05:25,758 CONTINUES TO DISAPPOINT US. 86 00:05:25,825 --> 00:05:26,993 ( LAUGHTER ) BUT I DO HAVE A GLIMMER OF HOPE 87 00:05:27,060 --> 00:05:30,663 FOR A SLIVER OF CONSEQUENCES ON THE JANUARY 6TH INSURRECTION. 88 00:05:30,730 --> 00:05:32,799 BECAUSE HOUSE SPEAKER NANCY PELOSI IS LAUNCHING AN 89 00:05:32,865 --> 00:05:36,803 INVESTIGATION, APPOINTING A GROUP OF HOUSE MEMBERS CALLED A 90 00:05:36,869 --> 00:05:39,906 SELECT COMMITTEE. 91 00:05:39,972 --> 00:05:42,241 WHICH REALLY SOUNDS LIKE THE STORE BRAND, BUT STILL GOOD. 92 00:05:42,308 --> 00:05:48,748 I LOVE SELECT COMMITTEE LEMON COOKIES. 93 00:05:48,815 --> 00:05:49,816 ( LAUGHTER ) MMM! 94 00:05:49,882 --> 00:05:52,885 TODAY, PELOSI NAMED SEVEN PROMINENT DEMOCRATS TO THE 95 00:05:52,952 --> 00:05:58,791 COMMITTEE, BUT THE BIG NEWS WAS THE ONE REPUBLICAN SHE NAMED: 96 00:05:58,858 --> 00:06:00,860 >> CONGRESSWOMAN LIZ CHENEY OF THE ARMED SERVICES COMMITTEE HAS 97 00:06:00,927 --> 00:06:05,031 PATRIOTICALLY AGREED TO SERVE ON THE COMMITTEE. 98 00:06:05,098 --> 00:06:06,899 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: OKAY, SO THE 99 00:06:06,966 --> 00:06:09,702 COMMITTEE HAS SEVEN DEMOCRATS TO GRILL THE 100 00:06:09,769 --> 00:06:12,872 SEDITIONISTS, AND IF THAT DOESN'T WORK, THEY'VE GOT ONE 101 00:06:12,939 --> 00:06:14,707 CHENEY TO SHOOT 'EM IN THE FACE. 102 00:06:14,774 --> 00:06:16,642 ( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 103 00:06:16,709 --> 00:06:17,410 A 15-YEAR-OLD JOKE. 104 00:06:17,477 --> 00:06:18,911 STILL WORKS. 105 00:06:18,978 --> 00:06:20,480 15 YEARS AGO. 106 00:06:20,546 --> 00:06:24,183 EVERY DAY WE LEARN MORE ABOUT THE FOLKS THE SELECT COMMITTEE 107 00:06:24,250 --> 00:06:25,184 WILL BE INVESTIGATING. 108 00:06:25,251 --> 00:06:28,888 AND THEY'RE NOT THE TIGHTEST ZIP TIES IN THE BAG. 109 00:06:28,955 --> 00:06:31,824 I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT 'EM IN TONIGHT'S SEDITIONIST ROUND-UP 110 00:06:31,891 --> 00:06:32,892 ROUNDUP. 111 00:06:32,959 --> 00:06:38,698 >> YOU'RE GONNA BE IN-COWCERATED. 112 00:06:38,765 --> 00:06:39,766 ♪♪ ( LAUGHTER ) 113 00:06:39,832 --> 00:06:41,267 >> STEPHEN: FIRST UP IS NEW YORK NATIVE AND CARTOON 114 00:06:41,334 --> 00:06:44,871 HENCHMAN, GABRIEL BROWN. 115 00:06:44,937 --> 00:06:48,941 BROWN WAS ARRESTED AFTER HE WAS IDENTIFIED IN VIDEOS FROM THAT 116 00:06:49,008 --> 00:06:52,879 DAY THAT SHOW HIM SIGNING HIS OWN NAME ON A STOP THE STEAL 117 00:06:52,945 --> 00:06:54,981 BANNER OUTSIDE THE US CAPITOL. 118 00:06:55,047 --> 00:07:00,920 WHAT DID HE THINK THIS WAS, A RIOTERS' YEARBOOK? 119 00:07:00,987 --> 00:07:04,924 ( LAUGHTER ) IT EXPLAINS HIS MESSAGE, 120 00:07:04,991 --> 00:07:10,863 DON'T BE A STRANGER THIS SUMMER, LET'S TOTALLY HANG, MIKE PENCE 121 00:07:10,930 --> 00:07:11,764 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 122 00:07:11,831 --> 00:07:12,932 OL' GABE BROWN DIDN'T JUST SIGN HIS NAME. 123 00:07:12,999 --> 00:07:13,432 HE ALSO SAID HIS NAME. 124 00:07:13,499 --> 00:07:14,567 ON CAMERA. 125 00:07:14,634 --> 00:07:16,936 A BUNCH. 126 00:07:17,003 --> 00:07:20,807 >> MY NAME'S GABRIEL BROWN. 127 00:07:20,873 --> 00:07:21,641 G.B.0083 YOUTUBE CHANNEL. 128 00:07:21,707 --> 00:07:22,742 >> MR BROWN. 129 00:07:22,809 --> 00:07:23,442 >> BROWN: YEP. 130 00:07:23,509 --> 00:07:25,678 >> STEPHEN: CRIMINAL MASTERMIND. 131 00:07:25,745 --> 00:07:29,448 ( LAUGHTER ) YOU CAN SEE IT ALL PLAY OUT IN 132 00:07:29,515 --> 00:07:36,656 THE NEW CBS CRIME DRAMA -- CSI: AAAND WE'VE ALREADY CAUGHT 133 00:07:36,722 --> 00:07:37,557 HIM. 134 00:07:37,623 --> 00:07:38,491 ( LAUGHTER ) ALSO, WORTH NOTING: HE PLUGGED 135 00:07:38,558 --> 00:07:40,459 HIS YOUTUBE CHANNEL DURING THE INSURRECTION. 136 00:07:40,526 --> 00:07:44,931 REMINDS ME OF WHEN JOHN WILKES BOOTH JUMPED ONTO THE STAGE AND 137 00:07:44,997 --> 00:07:52,471 SHOUTED, SIC SEMPER LIKE AND SUBSCRIBE! 138 00:07:52,538 --> 00:07:53,673 ( LAUGHTER ) NEXT UP IN THE LASSO OF JUSTICE 139 00:07:53,739 --> 00:07:55,208 UPSCALE CAPITOL RIOTER AND WOMAN WHO REALLY SHOULD'VE WORN A 140 00:07:55,274 --> 00:07:59,078 BLACK SQUARE OVER HER FACE THAT DAY, SANDRA WEYER. 141 00:07:59,145 --> 00:08:03,049 WEYER WAS ARRESTED MONDAY AFTER BEING CAUGHT ENCOURAGING AN 142 00:08:03,115 --> 00:08:07,053 ASSAULT ON A "NEW YORK TIMES" PHOTOGRAPHER DURING THE CAPITOL 143 00:08:07,119 --> 00:08:09,121 RIOT, YELLING, "GET HER OUT, MACE HER!" 144 00:08:09,188 --> 00:08:11,924 THAT'S SCARY, ALSO DUMB. 145 00:08:11,991 --> 00:08:13,125 (AS RIOTER) QUICK! 146 00:08:13,192 --> 00:08:17,430 ATTACK THE PERSON CURRENTLY TAKING PHOTOGRAPHIC EVIDENCE OF 147 00:08:17,496 --> 00:08:18,197 WHAT WE'RE DOING TO HER. 148 00:08:18,264 --> 00:08:21,100 MAKE SURE SHE GETS YOUR GOOD SIDE. 149 00:08:21,167 --> 00:08:24,170 WEYER EXPLAINED HER ACTIONS, SAYING, THE PHOTOGRAPHER WAS 150 00:08:24,237 --> 00:08:27,039 ANTI-MAGA, LET'S PUT IT THAT WAY. 151 00:08:27,106 --> 00:08:31,310 LET'S PUT IT THAT WAY? 152 00:08:31,377 --> 00:08:35,081 ANTI-MAGA IS NOT A EUPHEMISM! 153 00:08:35,147 --> 00:08:36,916 (AS GANGSTER) I JUST FOUND OUT THAT JIMMY'S, 154 00:08:36,983 --> 00:08:39,085 HOW DO I PUT IT? 155 00:08:39,151 --> 00:08:40,753 AN INFORMANT FOR THE GOVERNMENT. 156 00:08:40,820 --> 00:08:41,654 LET'S PUT IT THAT WAY. 157 00:08:41,721 --> 00:08:43,089 ( LAUGHTER ) AND I WANT YOU TO, AND I HOPE 158 00:08:43,155 --> 00:08:45,091 YOU GET MY DRIFT, SHOOT HIM IN THE HEAD, DROP HIS BODY IN THE 159 00:08:45,157 --> 00:08:47,093 RIVER. 160 00:08:47,159 --> 00:08:48,694 OKAY? 161 00:08:48,761 --> 00:08:50,830 ( LAUGHTER ) GET LOTS OF PHOTOS OF THAT. 162 00:08:50,897 --> 00:08:55,134 GET LOTS OF PHOTOS OF THAT. 163 00:08:55,201 --> 00:09:00,006 NEXT UP ON THE ROUNDUP-ROUNDUP -- 164 00:09:00,072 --> 00:09:01,540 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WOW! 165 00:09:01,607 --> 00:09:02,708 THANK YOU! 166 00:09:02,775 --> 00:09:07,713 OH, SMOOTH, BABY! 167 00:09:07,780 --> 00:09:09,382 NEXT UP, CHASE ALLEN, WHO ADMITTED TO 168 00:09:09,448 --> 00:09:10,883 BEING AT THE CAPITOL BUT THEN INSISTED HE WASN'T THERE AS A 169 00:09:10,950 --> 00:09:12,018 PROTESTOR. 170 00:09:12,084 --> 00:09:15,154 FOR MORE, WE TURN TO WPRI, SEEKONK, MASSACHUSETTS'S NEWS 171 00:09:15,221 --> 00:09:17,690 LEADER. 172 00:09:17,757 --> 00:09:19,325 >> I'M A DOCUMENTARIAN AND YOU KNOW AS LIKE YOU GUYS, WHEN YOU 173 00:09:19,392 --> 00:09:23,129 GUYS HEAR OF SOMETHING, YOU GUYS SHOW UP AS YOU DO NOW AND ASK 174 00:09:23,195 --> 00:09:27,133 QUESTIONS OR RECORD AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS. 175 00:09:27,199 --> 00:09:31,037 THAT'S WHAT I WAS DOING THERE. 176 00:09:31,103 --> 00:09:31,938 ( LAUGHTER ) >> STEPHEN: YES, HE LOOKS JUST 177 00:09:32,004 --> 00:09:35,141 LIKE A DOCUMENTARIAN OR A JOURNALIST. 178 00:09:35,207 --> 00:09:39,145 CLEARLY, INSPIRED BY THE DIGNIFIED STYLE OF WALTER 179 00:09:39,211 --> 00:09:40,913 CRONKITE. 180 00:09:40,980 --> 00:09:44,050 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 181 00:09:44,116 --> 00:09:44,850 OW! 182 00:09:44,917 --> 00:09:46,819 I DIDN'T KNOW CRONKITE WAS CUT, MAN. 183 00:09:46,886 --> 00:09:48,888 I HAD NO IDEA. 184 00:09:48,955 --> 00:09:49,655 HE WAS JACKED. 185 00:09:49,722 --> 00:09:52,058 AND THAT'S THE WAY IT IS! 186 00:09:52,124 --> 00:09:53,359 >> Jon: GIT IT! 187 00:09:53,426 --> 00:09:57,263 >> Stephen: THE ONLY PROBLEM WITH ALLEN'S 188 00:09:57,330 --> 00:09:58,798 "I'M JUST A DOCUMENTARIAN" EXCUSE IS THAT THERE WERE OTHER 189 00:09:58,864 --> 00:10:00,132 PEOPLE WITH CAMERAS THERE THAT DAY. 190 00:10:00,199 --> 00:10:04,503 AND THEY DOCUMENTED HIM DOING SOME OTHER STUFF: 191 00:10:04,570 --> 00:10:05,771 ( LAUGHTER ) >> SO THERE ARE PHOTOS OF YOU 192 00:10:05,838 --> 00:10:07,206 REPORTEDLY KIND OF STOMPING ON CAMERA EQUIPMENT AND STUFF. 193 00:10:07,273 --> 00:10:09,775 IS THAT YOU IN THAT PICTURE THE F.B.I. IS PUTTING OUT? 194 00:10:09,842 --> 00:10:17,917 >> I WOULD NOT LIKE TO COMMENT ON THAT AT THIS TIME. 195 00:10:17,984 --> 00:10:22,288 BUT I'M WORKING EVERYTHING OUT WITH THE COURTS AND WHATNOT. 196 00:10:22,355 --> 00:10:26,959 >> STEPHEN: YES AND AFTER THE COURTS AND WHATNOT, HE'LL BE 197 00:10:27,026 --> 00:10:30,396 HEADED TO THE FEDERAL PRISON AND SOMESUCH, MEOW MEOW MEOW. 198 00:10:30,463 --> 00:10:33,432 YADA YADA YADA. 199 00:10:33,499 --> 00:10:35,201 ( LAUGHTER ) NEXT UP: POLICE OFFICER, THOMAS 200 00:10:35,267 --> 00:10:37,336 ROBERTSON. 201 00:10:37,403 --> 00:10:39,205 ROBERTSON WAS ALREADY CHARGED FOR STORMING THE CAPITOL AND 202 00:10:39,271 --> 00:10:41,807 RELEASED ON BAIL. 203 00:10:41,874 --> 00:10:45,277 BUT PROSECUTORS WANT HIM BACK BEHIND BARS, BECAUSE ONE 204 00:10:45,344 --> 00:10:47,079 CONDITION FOR HIS RELEASE WAS TO NOT OWN FIREARMS, AND HE HAS 205 00:10:47,146 --> 00:10:47,546 RECENTLY... 206 00:10:47,613 --> 00:10:51,884 ACQUIRED 34 GUNS. 207 00:10:51,951 --> 00:10:53,486 ( AUDIENCE REACTS ) WHY DOES HE HAVE 34 GUNS? 208 00:10:53,552 --> 00:10:57,189 SOMEONE SHOULD REALLY TELL THIS GUY ABOUT RELOADING. 209 00:10:57,256 --> 00:11:02,194 BANG BANG BANG, CLICK CLICK CLICK, DAMN THIS ONE'S OUT OF 210 00:11:02,261 --> 00:11:02,862 BULLETS! 211 00:11:02,928 --> 00:11:04,597 OH, WELL, INTO THE TRASH CAN. 212 00:11:04,663 --> 00:11:05,765 NEW GUN, PLEASE. 213 00:11:05,831 --> 00:11:09,335 NEW GUN, PLEASE. 214 00:11:09,402 --> 00:11:15,074 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 34. 215 00:11:15,141 --> 00:11:18,044 ROBERTSON WAS ALSO FOUND WITH A PARTIALLY ASSEMBLED PIPE BOMB 216 00:11:18,110 --> 00:11:19,245 IN A BOX LABELED BOOBY TRAP. 217 00:11:19,311 --> 00:11:24,350 ( LAUGHTER ) IT'S A LITTLE OBVIOUS. 218 00:11:24,417 --> 00:11:27,286 THAT'S LIKE HIDING YOUR PORNOGRAPHY IN A BOX LABELED 219 00:11:27,353 --> 00:11:30,056 BOOBY TRAP. 220 00:11:30,122 --> 00:11:33,325 ( LAUGHTER ) NOW, I WANT TO CHANGE GEARS 221 00:11:33,392 --> 00:11:35,294 HERE. 222 00:11:35,361 --> 00:11:38,864 AS I SAID AT THE TOP OF THE SHOW, I TAKE THIS JOB VERY 223 00:11:38,931 --> 00:11:43,269 SERIOUSLY, IT'S A RESPONSIBILITY AND A PRIVILEGE AND FOR TOO LONG 224 00:11:43,335 --> 00:11:45,971 I HAVE BEEN SILENT ABOUT THE GENERATIONAL CONFLICT 225 00:11:46,038 --> 00:11:46,972 BETWEEN ISRAELIS AND PALESTINIANS. 226 00:11:47,039 --> 00:11:48,274 WELL, THAT ENDS TONIGHT. 227 00:11:48,340 --> 00:11:51,310 BECAUSE I, STEPHEN COLBERT, CAN NOW SAY WITH COMPLETE CONVICTION 228 00:11:51,377 --> 00:11:55,848 (EMERGENCY-LIKE ALARM) OH, MY GOD 229 00:11:55,915 --> 00:11:58,818 IT'S THE EMERGENCY MEANWHILE SYSTEM. 230 00:11:58,884 --> 00:11:59,885 ( APPLAUSE ) WE DO NOT HAVE A MEANWHILE 231 00:11:59,952 --> 00:12:01,487 SCHEDULED FOR TONIGHT, BUT WE ARE REQUIRED, PER CITY 232 00:12:01,554 --> 00:12:03,355 ORDINANCE, TO INTERRUPT THE MONOLOGUE FOR MY TIME-SENSITIVE 233 00:12:03,422 --> 00:12:09,395 SEGMENT: ♪♪ 234 00:12:09,462 --> 00:12:11,363 BREAKING "MEANWHILE!"! 235 00:12:11,430 --> 00:12:20,139 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: BREAKING 236 00:12:20,206 --> 00:12:22,408 "MEANWHILE!," THIS JUST IN -- A MAN'S PENIS BROKE 237 00:12:22,475 --> 00:12:23,442 VERTICALLY DURING SEX. 238 00:12:23,509 --> 00:12:27,580 WHICH MEANS THIS BREAKING MEANWHILE IS, IN FACT, A 239 00:12:27,646 --> 00:12:32,585 BREAKING PEENWHILE. 240 00:12:32,651 --> 00:12:33,719 ♪♪ ( APPLAUSE ) 241 00:12:33,786 --> 00:12:38,524 LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, HERE'S WHAT HAPPENED -- AND I HOPE 242 00:12:38,591 --> 00:12:39,692 YOUR PENIS IS SITTING DOWN. 243 00:12:39,758 --> 00:12:43,562 A REGULAR PENIS BREAK OCCURS DURING SEX WHEN A FULLY ERECT 244 00:12:43,629 --> 00:12:47,766 PENIS IS BENT TOO FAR AND/OR WITH TOO MUCH FORCE AND BUCKLES 245 00:12:47,833 --> 00:12:51,637 UNDER THE PRESSURE, AND IT'S ALMOST ALWAYS ACCOMPANIED BY A 246 00:12:51,704 --> 00:12:53,639 LOUD POPPING SOUND. 247 00:12:53,706 --> 00:12:55,641 ( AUDIENCE REACTS ) AND LEMME TELL YOU, ONCE YOU 248 00:12:55,708 --> 00:12:59,645 POP, YOU WILL STOP. 249 00:12:59,712 --> 00:13:03,015 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 250 00:13:03,082 --> 00:13:07,653 NOW, THAT'S A HORIZONTAL BREAK, KIND OF LIKE SNAPPING INTO A 251 00:13:07,720 --> 00:13:09,855 SLIM JIM. 252 00:13:09,922 --> 00:13:11,090 ( LAUGHTER ) BUT IN THIS CASE, THE MAN HAD A 253 00:13:11,157 --> 00:13:12,191 VERTICAL PENILE FRACTURE. 254 00:13:12,258 --> 00:13:15,628 DIFFICULT TO IMAGINE, SO WE COMMISSIONED THIS COMPUTER 255 00:13:15,694 --> 00:13:23,636 SIMULATION OF THE INJURY: ♪♪ 256 00:13:23,702 --> 00:13:27,640 IN THIS CASE, THE MAN'S PENIS BUCKLED AGAINST HIS 257 00:13:27,706 --> 00:13:28,874 PARTNER'S PERINEUM. 258 00:13:28,941 --> 00:13:32,144 MORE COLORFULFULLY KNOWN AS THE TAINT. 259 00:13:32,211 --> 00:13:34,947 AGAIN, THE MECHANICS OF THIS MIGHT BE TOUGH TO IMAGINE, SO WE 260 00:13:35,014 --> 00:13:43,856 HAVE ANOTHER SIMULATION: ♪♪ 261 00:13:43,923 --> 00:13:45,257 ( LAUGHTER ) I DO APPRECIATE THAT THEY FELT 262 00:13:45,324 --> 00:13:48,627 THE NEED TO REPORT THAT BREAKING YOUR JUNK CAUSES IMMEDIATE 263 00:13:48,694 --> 00:13:56,869 DETUMESCENCE, OR THE LOSS OF AN ERECTION. 264 00:13:56,936 --> 00:13:59,705 WELL, YEAH, NOTHING BREAKS THE MOOD QUICKER THAN BREAKING THE 265 00:13:59,772 --> 00:14:00,806 MOOD. 266 00:14:00,873 --> 00:14:02,241 ( LAUGHTER ) THE DOCTORS INVOLVED WERE ALSO 267 00:14:02,308 --> 00:14:07,046 PRETTY EXCITED TO REPORT THAT THIS IS A MEDICAL FIRST. 268 00:14:07,112 --> 00:14:12,551 ( LAUGHTER ) THANK YOU, SCIENCE. 269 00:14:12,618 --> 00:14:14,553 ( LAUGHTER ) DON'T WORRY ABOUT HUNTING FOR A 270 00:14:14,620 --> 00:14:18,324 CURE FOR ALZHEIMER'S, KEEP TRACKING NEW WAYS TO SPLIT THE 271 00:14:18,390 --> 00:14:19,525 PENIS. 272 00:14:19,592 --> 00:14:26,532 IT'S WHAT THEY'RE RESEARCHING AT THE LARGE HARD-ON COLLIDER. 273 00:14:26,599 --> 00:14:30,336 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 274 00:14:30,402 --> 00:14:32,638 ANY PENISES WATCHING THIS BROADCAST WILL BE HAPPY TO KNOW 275 00:14:32,705 --> 00:14:36,308 THAT AFTER TREATMENT, THE DOCTORS SAYTHE SURGERY SEEMED 276 00:14:36,375 --> 00:14:37,309 TO BE A COMPLETE SUCCESS. 277 00:14:37,376 --> 00:14:38,544 AND IT DIDN'T TAKE LONG FOR THE MAN TO RECOVER. 278 00:14:38,611 --> 00:14:40,212 GREAT NEWS. 279 00:14:40,279 --> 00:14:42,548 THOUGH, IT WAS AWKWARD WHEN HE ASKED HIS FRIENDS TO SIGN THE 280 00:14:42,615 --> 00:14:46,552 CAST. 281 00:14:46,619 --> 00:14:47,686 ( LAUGHTER ) WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU 282 00:14:47,753 --> 00:14:48,921 TONIGHT, MY GUEST IS JIM GAFFIGAN. 283 00:14:48,988 --> 00:14:51,290 BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, I'LL BE TALKING ABOUT SOME GREAT THINGS 284 00:14:51,357 --> 00:14:54,860 TO DO THIS SUMMER IN THE RETURN OF ONE OF MY FAVORITE SEGMENTS. 285 00:14:54,927 --> 00:14:56,195 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪♪ 286 00:15:25,691 --> 00:15:31,797 ♪♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 287 00:15:31,864 --> 00:15:32,431 >> Stephen: HEY EVERYBODY! 288 00:15:32,498 --> 00:15:33,932 WELCOME BACK! 289 00:15:33,999 --> 00:15:43,976 GIVE IT UP FOR JON BATISTE AND "STAY HUMAN," EVERYBODY! 290 00:15:44,043 --> 00:15:52,484 GIVE IT UP FOR JON BATISTE AND "STAY HUMAN," EVERYBODY! 291 00:15:52,551 --> 00:15:54,286 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I FEEL THE 292 00:15:54,353 --> 00:16:01,393 SAME WAY, 100%. 293 00:16:01,460 --> 00:16:04,163 FOLKS, I'VE GOT TO TELL YOU, IT'S BEEN SO GREAT DOING SHOWS 294 00:16:04,229 --> 00:16:06,332 IN FRONT OF A LIVE AUDIENCE ON BROADWAY AGAIN. 295 00:16:06,398 --> 00:16:08,500 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) NEW YORK CITY IS BACK. 296 00:16:08,567 --> 00:16:12,471 BUT LONGTIME VIEWERS OF THE LATE SHOW KNOW THAT THERE ARE CITIES 297 00:16:12,538 --> 00:16:16,875 OTHER THAN NEW YORK. 298 00:16:16,942 --> 00:16:18,377 ( LAUGHTER ) AND I HOPE THEY'RE BACK TOO. 299 00:16:18,444 --> 00:16:20,512 BECAUSE I LOVE THE SMALL TOWNS OF AMERICA. 300 00:16:20,579 --> 00:16:25,718 THAT'S WHY WE HAVE A SEGMENT CALLED COMMUNITY CALENDAR WHERE 301 00:16:25,784 --> 00:16:28,487 A GUEST AND I TALK ABOUT ACTUAL EVENTS THAT ARE ACTUALLY 302 00:16:28,554 --> 00:16:32,491 HAPPENING IN THAT GUEST'S ACTUAL HOMETOWN. 303 00:16:32,558 --> 00:16:36,495 WE'RE TALKING PLACES LIKE PLAINFIELD, ILLINOIS OR 304 00:16:36,562 --> 00:16:43,635 STILLWATER, OKLAHOMA OR-- DID SOMEBODY SAY CHESTERTON, 305 00:16:43,702 --> 00:16:46,739 -- >> DID SOMEBODY SAY CHESTERTON, 306 00:16:46,805 --> 00:16:47,506 INDIANA? 307 00:16:47,573 --> 00:16:49,408 >> Stephen: JIM GAFFIGAN? 308 00:16:49,475 --> 00:16:50,008 HOW ARE YOU? 309 00:16:50,075 --> 00:16:54,713 >> Stephen: JIM GAFFIGAN? 310 00:16:54,780 --> 00:17:01,620 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪♪ 311 00:17:01,687 --> 00:17:05,391 JIM GAFFIGAN, ARE YOU TELLING ME, ARE YOU HERE TO TELL ME THAT 312 00:17:05,457 --> 00:17:08,360 YOU'RE FROM CHESTERTON, INDIANA? 313 00:17:08,427 --> 00:17:10,863 >> CAN YOU BELIEVE THE COINCIDENCE? 314 00:17:10,929 --> 00:17:15,501 I'M FROM CHESTERTON, INDIANA. 315 00:17:15,567 --> 00:17:18,570 >> Stephen: IT'S MORE THAN A COINCIDENCE, IT'S A HAPPY 316 00:17:18,637 --> 00:17:27,646 ACCIDENT BECAUSE IT'S TIME FOR CHESTERTON, INDIANA'S COMMUNITY 317 00:17:27,713 --> 00:17:28,347 CALENDAR. 318 00:17:28,414 --> 00:17:31,650 ♪♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 319 00:17:31,717 --> 00:17:35,120 WELCOME TO COMMUNITY CALENDAR, YOUR SOURCE FOR WHAT'S HAPPENING 320 00:17:35,187 --> 00:17:36,288 IN AND AROUND CHESTERTON, INDIANA AND THE GREATER DUNELAND 321 00:17:36,355 --> 00:17:39,558 AREA. 322 00:17:39,625 --> 00:17:43,629 JOINING ME IS NATIVE CHESTERTON-IAN, JIM GAFFIGAN. 323 00:17:43,695 --> 00:17:47,699 WELCOME JIM. 324 00:17:47,766 --> 00:17:51,136 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> THANKS, STEPHEN. 325 00:17:51,203 --> 00:17:55,674 YOU KNOW WHAT WE SAY IN CHESTERTON: IT'S A CHESTER-TON 326 00:17:55,741 --> 00:17:58,243 OF FUN. 327 00:17:58,310 --> 00:18:02,347 ( AUDIENCE REACTS ) >> STEPHEN: SO TRUE. 328 00:18:02,414 --> 00:18:04,082 NOW, LET'S GET TO SOME ACTUAL UPCOMING EVENTS GOING ON IN AND 329 00:18:04,149 --> 00:18:11,056 AROUND CHESTERTON. 330 00:18:11,123 --> 00:18:15,093 >> THIS WEDNESDAY, HEAD TO NEARBY PORTAGE LAKEFRONT 331 00:18:15,160 --> 00:18:16,295 PAVILION FOR SUNSET YOGA. 332 00:18:16,361 --> 00:18:19,698 PRO-TIP: IF YOU DON'T LOOK GOOD IN YOGA PANTS, SHOW UP LATE, 333 00:18:19,765 --> 00:18:22,568 IT'LL BE DARK. 334 00:18:22,634 --> 00:18:23,769 ( LAUGHTER ) >> STEPHEN: FROM NOW THROUGH 335 00:18:23,836 --> 00:18:27,706 SUNDAY AT THE MEMORIAL OPERA HOUSE, IT'S THE CLOSING WEEKEND 336 00:18:27,773 --> 00:18:31,710 FOR "CLUE: THE MUSICAL." 337 00:18:31,777 --> 00:18:33,679 IT WILL BE FOLLOWED BY "RISK: THE MUSICAL," WHICH LASTS TWELVE 338 00:18:33,745 --> 00:18:35,681 STRAIGHT HOURS AND ENDS WHEN THE CAST GETS SICK OF IT AND STOPS 339 00:18:35,747 --> 00:18:38,016 PLAYING. 340 00:18:38,083 --> 00:18:39,718 ( LAUGHTER ) >> ON JULY 25TH AT THE PORTER 341 00:18:39,785 --> 00:18:47,259 COUNTY FAIR, IT'S THE NIGHT OF -- BY THE WAY, I WENT TO THAT 342 00:18:47,326 --> 00:18:51,763 AND IT'S AN AMAZING FAIR -- BUT ON THE NIGHT OF THE 25th, IT'S 343 00:18:51,830 --> 00:18:53,932 A NIGHT OF DESTRUCTION, A DEMOLITION DERBY 344 00:18:53,999 --> 00:18:58,337 FOR CARS, TRUCKS, AND VANS, AS WELL AS KIDS POWER WHEELS. 345 00:18:58,403 --> 00:18:59,905 ( LAUGHTER ) SO COME ON AND SMASH EM UP IF 346 00:18:59,972 --> 00:19:04,142 YOU'VE GOT A SPARE CAR OR A SPARE KID. 347 00:19:04,209 --> 00:19:07,813 THAT'S WHITE RAGE. 348 00:19:07,880 --> 00:19:11,083 ( LAUGHTER ) >> STEPHEN: EVERY SATURDAY THIS 349 00:19:11,149 --> 00:19:13,919 SUMMER, IT'S CHESTERTON'S FAMOUS EUROPEAN MARKET, FEATURING OVER 350 00:19:13,986 --> 00:19:19,725 EIGHTY VENDORS FROM INDIANA, MICHIGAN, AND ILLINOIS. 351 00:19:19,791 --> 00:19:23,762 SO STOP BY FOR A TASTE OF EUROPE ALL THE WAY FROM MILAN 352 00:19:23,829 --> 00:19:29,935 ILLINOIS, PARIS MICHIGAN, AND FRENCH LICK INDIANA. 353 00:19:30,002 --> 00:19:33,772 ( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 354 00:19:33,839 --> 00:19:37,209 JIM, WHY DO THEY CALL IT FRENCH LICK? 355 00:19:37,276 --> 00:19:41,113 >> WELL, SOME PEOPLE THINK IT REFERS TO EARLY FRENCH SETTLERS 356 00:19:41,179 --> 00:19:45,183 WHO DISCOVERED NEARBY SALT LICKS. 357 00:19:45,250 --> 00:19:49,555 BUT I LIKE TO THINK IT WAS TWO HORNY SETTLERS JUST TONGUING 358 00:19:49,621 --> 00:19:53,025 DOWN ON EACH OTHER. 359 00:19:53,091 --> 00:19:59,665 ( LAUGHTER ) THAT'S HOW WE DO IT INDIANA 360 00:19:59,731 --> 00:20:00,365 STYLE. 361 00:20:00,432 --> 00:20:01,567 ( LAUGHTER ) HERE'S A FUN ONE. 362 00:20:01,633 --> 00:20:04,803 ON JULY 15TH, HEAD TO INDIANA DUNES -- BY THE WAY, I SET AN 363 00:20:04,870 --> 00:20:07,105 ENTIRE DO YOU KNOW ON FIRE WHEN I WAS 15. 364 00:20:07,172 --> 00:20:11,243 BUT HEAD TO THE DUNES STATE PARK FOR 365 00:20:11,310 --> 00:20:16,782 FAMILY-FRIENDLY IMPROV COMEDY ON THE BEACH. 366 00:20:16,848 --> 00:20:19,418 PERFECT FOR ANYONE WHO'S BEEN AT AN IMPROV SHOW AND THOUGHT, THIS 367 00:20:19,484 --> 00:20:29,261 IS GREAT, BUT COULD I ALSO HAVE SAND IN MY ASSCRACK. 368 00:20:29,328 --> 00:20:36,435 ( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 369 00:20:36,501 --> 00:20:37,903 >> STEPHEN: NEXT THURSDAY AT ANDERSON'S WINERY AND VINEYARDS 370 00:20:37,970 --> 00:20:40,839 IT'S SPEED NETWORKING AFTER HOURS. 371 00:20:40,906 --> 00:20:45,277 WHICH WILL TAKE PLACE AT THE LATE, LATE HOUR OF 372 00:20:45,344 --> 00:20:46,478 4:00 PM. 373 00:20:46,545 --> 00:20:49,281 SO STOP ON BY TO MAKE VITAL BUSINESS CONTACTS WITH 374 00:20:49,348 --> 00:20:55,420 GO-GETTERS WHO LEAVE WORK EARLY TO START DRINKING. 375 00:20:55,487 --> 00:20:59,291 >> ON JULY 29TH, HEAD TO THE CHESTERTON AMPHITHEATER FOR A 376 00:20:59,358 --> 00:21:01,560 MUSIC SERIES CALLED "COFFEE AND A CONCERT." 377 00:21:01,627 --> 00:21:05,230 ORIGINALLY TITLED "YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO POOP IN 378 00:21:05,297 --> 00:21:10,502 THE MIDDLE OF THE CONCERT." 379 00:21:10,569 --> 00:21:11,670 ( LAUGHTER ) >> STEPHEN: OF COURSE THIS 380 00:21:11,737 --> 00:21:14,940 SUNDAY IS THE FOURTH OF JULY, SO HEAD ON OVER TO THE HOBART 381 00:21:15,007 --> 00:21:17,275 LAKEFRONT FIREWORKS, FEATURING LIVE MUSIC FROM THE BAND CHRONIC 382 00:21:17,342 --> 00:21:19,011 FLANNEL. 383 00:21:19,077 --> 00:21:25,050 ( LAUGHTER ) NAMED FOR THE TWO THINGS WILLIE 384 00:21:25,117 --> 00:21:26,318 NELSON ALWAYS HAS ON HIM. 385 00:21:26,385 --> 00:21:29,721 >> NEXT FRIDAY IN MICHIGAN CITY, INDIANA, BOOK YOUR TICKET FOR A 386 00:21:29,788 --> 00:21:37,262 COMBINATION BOAT TOUR AND BACHELORETTE PARTY CALLED 387 00:21:37,329 --> 00:21:39,297 THE CRUISE BEFORE THE I-DO'S ( LAUGHTER ) 388 00:21:39,364 --> 00:21:43,402 WHICH WILL INCLUDE A SPECIAL APPEARANCE BY THE MEN OF 389 00:21:43,468 --> 00:21:46,505 MICHIGAN CITY STRIPPERS. 390 00:21:46,571 --> 00:21:49,341 ( LAUGHTER ) THAT CAN'T BE. 391 00:21:49,408 --> 00:21:56,848 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) BY THE WAY -- ALL RIGHT. 392 00:21:56,915 --> 00:22:01,353 THAT'S RIGHT, THE MALE STRIPPERS FROM INDIANA THAT ARE SOMEHOW 393 00:22:01,420 --> 00:22:03,021 NOT CALLED "HOOSIER DADDY." 394 00:22:03,088 --> 00:22:05,323 ( LAUGHTER ) >> YOU KNOW, THAT'S HOW I PAID 395 00:22:05,390 --> 00:22:08,760 FOR COLLEGE. 396 00:22:08,827 --> 00:22:13,331 AND, ACTUALLY, STRIPPING WAS MY MAJOR IN COLLEGE. 397 00:22:13,398 --> 00:22:15,634 >> STEPHEN: REALLY? 398 00:22:15,701 --> 00:22:18,070 OH, YEAH, AND -- >> Stephen: GO ON, JIM. 399 00:22:18,136 --> 00:22:21,173 IS THERE MORE TO THIS STORY, JIM? 400 00:22:21,239 --> 00:22:22,641 >> I THINK THERE MIGHT BE. 401 00:22:22,708 --> 00:22:31,450 I EVEN HAD A SPECIAL MOVE AND IT WAS CALLED THE FRENCH LICK. 402 00:22:31,516 --> 00:22:38,590 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> STEPHEN: WELL, THAT DOES IT 403 00:22:38,657 --> 00:22:40,525 FOR CHESTERTON INDIANA'S COMMUNITY CALENDAR. 404 00:22:40,592 --> 00:22:43,495 >> AS WE LIKE TO SAY IN INDIANA: I'D ALWAYS RATHER BE IN-DEANNA 405 00:22:43,562 --> 00:22:46,865 THAN OUT-DEANNA. 406 00:22:46,932 --> 00:22:48,133 ( LAUGHTER ) >> STEPHEN: STICK AROUND, I'LL 407 00:22:48,200 --> 00:22:50,068 BE BACK WITH JIM GAFFIGAN. 408 00:22:50,135 --> 00:22:51,369 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪♪ 409 00:23:02,647 --> 00:23:10,722 ♪♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 410 00:23:10,789 --> 00:23:11,490 >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY! 411 00:23:11,556 --> 00:23:13,725 WELCOME BACK! 412 00:23:13,792 --> 00:23:18,764 TO YOUR "LATE SHOW" AND MINE. 413 00:23:18,830 --> 00:23:22,300 LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MY GUEST TONIGHT IS A VERY POPULAR 414 00:23:22,367 --> 00:23:27,405 COMEDIAN WHO GREW UP IN CHESTERTON, INDIANA, AND WHO NOW 415 00:23:27,472 --> 00:23:35,480 STARS IN THE NEW PIXAR FILM "LUCA." 416 00:23:35,547 --> 00:23:36,715 HIS COMEDY TOUR, "THE FUN TOUR," BEGINS LATER THIS MONTH IN 417 00:23:36,782 --> 00:23:37,783 HAWAII. 418 00:23:37,849 --> 00:23:39,885 PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO THE LATE SHOW, JIM GAFFIGAN. 419 00:23:39,951 --> 00:23:53,298 ♪♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 420 00:23:53,365 --> 00:23:56,234 >> Stephen: HEY! 421 00:23:56,301 --> 00:23:56,802 WOW... 422 00:23:56,868 --> 00:23:57,202 >> Stephen: YEAH, YEAH. 423 00:23:57,269 --> 00:23:57,803 WELCOME BACK. 424 00:23:57,869 --> 00:23:58,570 >> WE'RE DOING THIS AGAIN. 425 00:23:58,637 --> 00:24:00,572 >> Stephen: WE'RE DOING THIS AGAIN. 426 00:24:00,639 --> 00:24:05,243 WE HAVE NOT ACTUALLY SAT DOWN AND TONE THE INTERVIEW IN MEOW, 427 00:24:05,310 --> 00:24:06,444 MEOW SINCE HOW LONG? 428 00:24:06,511 --> 00:24:07,913 WAY BEFORE COVID, OBVIOUSLY. 429 00:24:07,979 --> 00:24:08,947 >> IT'S CRAZY. 430 00:24:09,014 --> 00:24:11,483 >> Stephen: A YEAR AND A HALF, SOMETHING LIKE THAT? 431 00:24:11,550 --> 00:24:13,485 >> EVERYTHING, IT'S JUST SO WEIRD TO SEE PEOPLE WITHOUT 432 00:24:13,552 --> 00:24:14,553 MASKS NOW. 433 00:24:14,619 --> 00:24:18,557 ISN'T IT STRANGE? 434 00:24:18,623 --> 00:24:19,724 ( CHEERING ) >> Stephen: RIGHT? 435 00:24:19,791 --> 00:24:23,028 AND YOU LOOK AT SOME FACES AND YOU'RE, LIKE, YOU KNOW WHAT? 436 00:24:23,094 --> 00:24:25,597 YOU SHOULD PROBABLY STICK WITH A MASK. 437 00:24:25,664 --> 00:24:26,698 DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? 438 00:24:26,765 --> 00:24:29,434 THERE ARE SOME PEOPLE THAT, IT MIGHT BE BETTER FOR YOU. 439 00:24:29,501 --> 00:24:31,002 >> Stephen: YEAH. 440 00:24:31,069 --> 00:24:34,573 AND THAT SOUNDS HARSH, BUT, YOU KNOW, WE ALL KNOW WHERE WE 441 00:24:34,639 --> 00:24:35,974 STAND, RIGHT? 442 00:24:36,041 --> 00:24:36,842 >> Stephen: SURE. 443 00:24:36,908 --> 00:24:39,177 I MEAN, WE LEARN FROM SUCH AN EARLY AGE. 444 00:24:39,244 --> 00:24:42,314 I REMEMBER IN KINDERGARTEN, YOU KNOW, THE GIRLS WOULD CHASE THE 445 00:24:42,380 --> 00:24:47,319 CUTE BOYS AT RECESS, AND LET'S JUST SAY I DIDN'T DO A LOT OF 446 00:24:47,385 --> 00:24:48,286 RUNNING. 447 00:24:48,353 --> 00:24:50,622 ( LAUGHTER ) YOU KNOW, I DID, LIKE, NO 448 00:24:50,689 --> 00:24:51,523 RUNNING. 449 00:24:51,590 --> 00:24:54,593 I THINK THAT'S WHERE MY NO RUNNING STARTED. 450 00:24:54,659 --> 00:24:57,963 >> BUT I REMEMBER BEING FIVE OR SIX AND THINKING, OKAY, THIS IS 451 00:24:58,029 --> 00:24:59,798 WHAT IT'S GOING TO BE LIKE. 452 00:24:59,865 --> 00:25:00,565 >> Stephen: SURE. 453 00:25:00,632 --> 00:25:03,735 I'M GOING TO BE WRITING SOME JOKES. 454 00:25:03,802 --> 00:25:06,671 ( LAUGHTER ) AND I'LL BE HANGING OUT WITH THE 455 00:25:06,738 --> 00:25:07,372 FELLAS. 456 00:25:07,439 --> 00:25:08,874 I EVEN CALLED OTHER BOYS FELLAS. 457 00:25:08,940 --> 00:25:12,143 >> Stephen: AT FIVE OR SIX? 458 00:25:12,210 --> 00:25:13,245 FELLAS, WE GOTTA TALK. 459 00:25:13,311 --> 00:25:15,780 >> I CALLED THEM FELLAS. 460 00:25:15,847 --> 00:25:16,982 A LOT OF FELLA TIME. 461 00:25:17,048 --> 00:25:22,454 >> Stephen: BESIDES THE FACT OF SEEING EACH OTHER'S FACES -- 462 00:25:22,520 --> 00:25:23,588 >> YEAH. 463 00:25:23,655 --> 00:25:24,656 >> Stephen: -- ONE OF THE THINGS I NOTICED IS WE CAN DO 464 00:25:24,723 --> 00:25:25,724 THINGS AGAIN. 465 00:25:25,790 --> 00:25:26,925 >> I KNOW. 466 00:25:26,992 --> 00:25:30,195 >> Stephen: I'M CURIOUS, I'VE KNOWN YOU FOR A FEW YEARS NOW, 467 00:25:30,262 --> 00:25:31,863 DOES JIM GAFFIGAN ENJOY DOING THINGS? 468 00:25:31,930 --> 00:25:34,666 >> NOT REALLY. 469 00:25:34,733 --> 00:25:36,868 ( LAUGHTER ) WELL, YOU KNOW -- YOU KNOW, 470 00:25:36,935 --> 00:25:40,839 THERE IS PART OF THE PANDEMIC WHERE THEY WERE, LIKE, YOU CAN'T 471 00:25:40,906 --> 00:25:42,641 GO OUTSIDE. 472 00:25:42,707 --> 00:25:45,777 I'M, LIKE -- GOOD. 473 00:25:45,844 --> 00:25:47,445 ( LAUGHTER ) I WAS, LIKE, ALL RIGHT, YOU WANT 474 00:25:47,512 --> 00:25:50,715 ME TO EAT PIZZA, TOO? 475 00:25:50,782 --> 00:25:53,818 ( LAUGHTER ) SO, AS THINGS OPEN UP AND, YOU 476 00:25:53,885 --> 00:25:57,923 KNOW, WE GET TO SEE PEOPLE AND THERE'S EVENTS THAT -- THERE'S 477 00:25:57,989 --> 00:26:03,528 THINGS THAT, YOU KNOW, THAT'S RIGHT... 478 00:26:03,595 --> 00:26:08,233 LIKE I WAS RECENTLY INNOVATED BY A FRIEND OF MINE FOR AN ALL-MALE 479 00:26:08,300 --> 00:26:11,202 WEEKEND AND THEY TRY TO SELL IT WHERE IT'S GREAT. 480 00:26:11,269 --> 00:26:15,040 DUDE, IT'S GOING TO BE AWESOME AND WE'RE GOING TO RENT A CABIN, 481 00:26:15,106 --> 00:26:16,675 JUST GUYS, NO WOMEN. 482 00:26:16,741 --> 00:26:19,444 I'M, LIKE, I'M ALREADY OUT. 483 00:26:19,511 --> 00:26:24,149 AND THEY'RE LIKE, NO, IT WILL BE PERFECT, WE'LL SMOKE CIGARS AND 484 00:26:24,215 --> 00:26:26,351 PLAY POKER, JUST GUYS! 485 00:26:26,418 --> 00:26:27,452 I'M, LIKE, THAT SOUNDS HORRIBLE. 486 00:26:27,519 --> 00:26:34,960 >> Stephen: ARE YOUR FRIENDS ALL GANGSTERS FROM 1927? 487 00:26:35,026 --> 00:26:36,528 >> YEAH -- ( GANGSTER TALK ) 488 00:26:36,594 --> 00:26:41,599 -- YEAH, IT WILL BE LIKE A GREAT WEEKEND LIKE WE'LL BE IN 489 00:26:41,666 --> 00:26:42,467 PRISONER OR SOMETHING. 490 00:26:42,534 --> 00:26:45,603 ( LAUGHTER ) DO YOU DO THE MALE "WEEKEND 491 00:26:45,670 --> 00:26:46,137 NEWS"? 492 00:26:46,204 --> 00:26:46,638 >> Stephen: SOMETIMES. 493 00:26:46,705 --> 00:26:48,306 I MIGHT GO FISHING. 494 00:26:48,373 --> 00:26:49,341 >> FISHING. 495 00:26:49,407 --> 00:26:51,376 MY BROTHER MITCH, WHO IS FROM CHESTERTON, INDIANA. 496 00:26:51,443 --> 00:26:52,811 >> Stephen: I HEAR GOOD THINGS. 497 00:26:52,877 --> 00:26:56,848 >> HE LIVES THERE, AND EVERY YEAR HE GOES ON A GOLFING TRIP 498 00:26:56,915 --> 00:26:58,350 WITH 30 MEN. 499 00:26:58,416 --> 00:27:01,619 THEY FLY FROM INDIANA TO FLORIDA AND THEY DO A GOLFING WEEKEND 500 00:27:01,686 --> 00:27:06,291 WHERE THEY RENT THREE HOUSES, 30 MEN, TEN MEN TO A HOUSE, AND 501 00:27:06,358 --> 00:27:10,929 THEY PLAY GOLF IN THE MORNING AND EAT LUNCH TOGETHER AND PLAY 502 00:27:10,996 --> 00:27:13,531 GOLF IN THE AFTERNOON AND GO BACK TO THE HOUSE AND HAVE SEX 503 00:27:13,598 --> 00:27:15,367 WITH EACH OTHER I DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY DO. 504 00:27:15,433 --> 00:27:17,569 >> Stephen: GOOD FOR THEM. 505 00:27:17,635 --> 00:27:18,336 GOOD FOR THEM. 506 00:27:18,403 --> 00:27:21,806 HOW MUCH FELLOWSHIP CAN YOU HAVE? 507 00:27:21,873 --> 00:27:23,475 YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? 508 00:27:23,541 --> 00:27:27,979 OBVIOUSLY -- I MEAN, MY BROTHER IS NOT GAY, AND HONESTLY I 509 00:27:28,046 --> 00:27:29,381 WOULDN'T CARE IF HE WAS. 510 00:27:29,447 --> 00:27:34,152 BUT IF HE EVER CAME OUT HE WOULD BE, LIKE, I GAVE YOU SO MANY 511 00:27:34,219 --> 00:27:34,919 HINTS. 512 00:27:34,986 --> 00:27:36,321 I VACATION WITH 30 MEN, YOU KNOW. 513 00:27:36,388 --> 00:27:38,590 >> Stephen: HAY, LISTEN, I UNDERSTAND THE COMEDY TOUR. 514 00:27:38,656 --> 00:27:43,928 HAVE YOU BEEN IN FRONT OF A LIVE AUDIENCE YET OR IS THIS IT? 515 00:27:43,995 --> 00:27:45,196 >> DID A SHOW LAST NIGHT. 516 00:27:45,263 --> 00:27:48,233 YOU KNOW, I HAVE AN HOUR MATERIAL THAT I HAD BEEN DOING 517 00:27:48,299 --> 00:27:52,537 BEFORE THE PANDEMIC STOPPED AND, SO, LAST NIGHT, I DID THE ENTIRE 518 00:27:52,604 --> 00:27:56,441 HOUR IN ROUGHLY, LIKE, SEVEN MINUTES. 519 00:27:56,508 --> 00:27:57,909 ( LAUGHTER ) SO I DON'T KNOW. 520 00:27:57,976 --> 00:28:01,713 I'M NERVOUS, BUT IT WAS SO FUN AND, HOPEFULLY, I'LL GET BACK. 521 00:28:01,780 --> 00:28:04,549 >> Stephen: AND YOU'RE STARTING IN HAWAII. 522 00:28:04,616 --> 00:28:06,751 THIS SOUNDS LIKE A BIG TOUR. 523 00:28:06,818 --> 00:28:11,656 >> YEAH, NO, IT'S -- WELL, HAWAII WAS A NEGOTIATION BECAUSE 524 00:28:11,723 --> 00:28:14,859 MY WIFE, I WANT HER TO BE HAPPY, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? 525 00:28:14,926 --> 00:28:15,994 >> Stephen: SURE. 526 00:28:16,061 --> 00:28:20,098 AND NO ONE'S EVER BEEN, LIKE, OH, SHOOT, WE'VE GOT GO TO 527 00:28:20,165 --> 00:28:20,999 HAWAII. 528 00:28:21,066 --> 00:28:23,368 EVERYONE'S LIKE, HAWAII'S AMAZING, RIGHT. 529 00:28:23,435 --> 00:28:27,472 >> Stephen: HOW DOES A GAFFIGAN DO UNDER THE TROPICAL 530 00:28:27,539 --> 00:28:28,640 SUN. 531 00:28:28,706 --> 00:28:30,675 >> YOU MIGHT LOOK AT ME AND THINK, OH, THAT GUY'S NOT GOOD 532 00:28:30,742 --> 00:28:32,544 IN THE SUN, AND I'M NOT. 533 00:28:32,610 --> 00:28:34,979 ( LAUGHTER ) AND DON'T GET ME WRONG, IT'S NOT 534 00:28:35,046 --> 00:28:38,750 JUST THE HOUR AND A HALF OF PUTTING ON SUNSCREEN AND THEN 535 00:28:38,817 --> 00:28:43,455 GOING TO THE BEACH AND, FOR AN HOUR AND A HALF PEOPLE SAYING, 536 00:28:43,521 --> 00:28:46,291 DO YOU HAVE SUNSCREEN ON? 537 00:28:46,357 --> 00:28:47,192 THAT'S ANNOYING. 538 00:28:47,258 --> 00:28:49,027 IT'S JUST -- >> Stephen: STRANGERS, RIGHT? 539 00:28:49,094 --> 00:28:50,161 YEAH. 540 00:28:50,228 --> 00:28:52,964 >> Stephen: NOT EVEN LOVED ONES, JUST COMPLETE STRANGERS. 541 00:28:53,031 --> 00:28:55,767 >> NO ONE WANTS TO SEE ME AT THE BEACH. 542 00:28:55,834 --> 00:28:57,368 LIKE, PEOPLE ARE, LIKE, YOU KNOW WHAT? 543 00:28:57,435 --> 00:29:00,305 I MIGHT WANT TO EAT SOMETHING, GET OUT OF HERE. 544 00:29:00,371 --> 00:29:02,640 BUT, LIKE, I DON'T THINK MEN SHOULD BE AT THE BEACH. 545 00:29:02,707 --> 00:29:04,843 I THINK MEN ARE GROSS. 546 00:29:04,909 --> 00:29:10,381 AND MEN -- MEN OVER THE AGE OF, LIKE, 50 SHOULDN'T BE ALLOWED AT 547 00:29:10,448 --> 00:29:11,583 THE BEACH. 548 00:29:11,649 --> 00:29:15,286 IT'S JUST LIKE, AS WOMEN GET OLDER, THEY BECOME MORE ELEGANT. 549 00:29:15,353 --> 00:29:19,157 AS MEN GET OLDER, THEY LOOK LIKE THEY'RE DECOMPOSING. 550 00:29:19,224 --> 00:29:21,493 >> Stephen: RIGHT. 551 00:29:21,559 --> 00:29:25,697 LIKE, IF YOU AND I HAD OUR SHIRTS OFF RIGHT NOW, LIKE, 552 00:29:25,763 --> 00:29:27,765 BEFORE THE SHOW -- >> Stephen: EXACTLY, EXACTLY, 553 00:29:27,832 --> 00:29:31,836 WHEN WE WERE WRESTLING, EXACTLY. 554 00:29:31,903 --> 00:29:36,207 >> -- BUT LIKE WHEN YOU SEE A GUY, LIKE A 50-YEAR-OLD MAN WITH 555 00:29:36,274 --> 00:29:40,879 HIS SHIRT OFF, WHICH A LOT OF US HAVE, THEY LOOK LIKE THE FIRST 556 00:29:40,945 --> 00:29:42,480 DRAFT OF A HUMAN, RIGHT? 557 00:29:42,547 --> 00:29:46,618 LIKE A SIMPSONS CHARACTER. 558 00:29:46,684 --> 00:29:50,655 >> Stephen: SOMEONE SAW ONE ONCE AND SAID, I THINK THEY LOOK 559 00:29:50,722 --> 00:29:52,190 LIKE THIS. 560 00:29:52,257 --> 00:29:53,124 >> YEAH. 561 00:29:53,191 --> 00:29:54,759 ( LAUGHTER ) WHEN MEN GET OLDER, THINGS STOP 562 00:29:54,826 --> 00:29:56,327 WORKING, DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. 563 00:29:56,394 --> 00:30:00,498 >> Stephen: I'M, LIKE, AN ENTIRE RECESSIVE GENE, BUT, 564 00:30:00,565 --> 00:30:10,341 LIKE, GENERALLY, FOR MEN, THEIR, LIKE, EVERY MONTH I GOT TO GROW 565 00:30:10,408 --> 00:30:16,114 HAIR ON THIS GUY'S HEAD, THEN THE BRAIN SAYS I HAVE TO GROW 566 00:30:16,181 --> 00:30:18,416 HAIR EVERYWHERE BUT THE GUY'S HEAD. 567 00:30:18,483 --> 00:30:22,086 >> Stephen: WHAT IF HE HAD SUPER FUZZY NIPPLES. 568 00:30:22,153 --> 00:30:23,021 >> RIGHT. 569 00:30:23,087 --> 00:30:25,056 MEN GROW HAIR IN WEIRD PARTS OF THEIR BODY. 570 00:30:25,123 --> 00:30:28,693 THAT'S NATURE'S WAY OF SAYING STOP MATING, YOU KNOW, OR I WILL 571 00:30:28,760 --> 00:30:31,829 TURN YOU INTO A THROW RUG. 572 00:30:31,896 --> 00:30:34,332 ( LAUGHTER ) I HAVE SOME BODY HAIR, YOU KNOW. 573 00:30:34,399 --> 00:30:36,334 I KNOW YOU HAVE A LOT OF BODY HAIR. 574 00:30:36,401 --> 00:30:36,768 >> Stephen: YEAH. 575 00:30:36,834 --> 00:30:38,203 YEAH, YEAH. 576 00:30:38,269 --> 00:30:40,071 >> AND THEY DON'T NEED TO KNOW THAT. 577 00:30:40,138 --> 00:30:41,139 THEY DON'T NEED TO KNOW. 578 00:30:41,206 --> 00:30:43,074 >> Stephen: I GOT NOTHING TO HIDE. 579 00:30:43,141 --> 00:30:46,177 I GOT NOTHING TO HIDE. 580 00:30:46,244 --> 00:30:50,481 >> BUT I SAW A GUY LAST TIME I WAS AT THE BEACH, MID 60s, HAD 581 00:30:50,548 --> 00:30:55,553 A SHIRT OFF, NOT A LOT OF BODY HAIR -- ALL BODY HAIR. 582 00:30:55,620 --> 00:30:57,622 ( LAUGHTER ) FOR A SECOND, I THOUGHT THEY 583 00:30:57,689 --> 00:31:00,358 WERE SHOOTING A GEICO COMMERCIAL. 584 00:31:00,425 --> 00:31:02,860 ( LAUGHTER ) I MEAN, HE WAS -- I HAD TO STOP 585 00:31:02,927 --> 00:31:06,798 MY YOUNGEST SON FROM TRYING TO PET HIM. 586 00:31:06,864 --> 00:31:10,201 I WAS, LIKE, LET HIM SMELL YOUR HAND FIRST, YOU KNOW WHAT I 587 00:31:10,268 --> 00:31:11,436 MEAN? 588 00:31:11,502 --> 00:31:14,339 AND HE HAD SUCH A CONFIDENCE, HE WAS JUST STRUTTING AROUND LIKE 589 00:31:14,405 --> 00:31:18,409 HE HAD SPENT A LIFETIME DEALING WITH HAIRY SITUATIONS, AND HE 590 00:31:18,476 --> 00:31:22,847 SAT DOWN NEXT TO THIS REALLY ATTRACTIVE WOMAN, AND I THOUGHT, 591 00:31:22,914 --> 00:31:26,851 WOW, THAT WOMAN LOVE THAT GUY'S MONEY. 592 00:31:26,918 --> 00:31:29,087 ( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: IT'S A BEAUTIFUL 593 00:31:29,153 --> 00:31:30,288 STORY. 594 00:31:30,355 --> 00:31:32,857 WE HAVE TO TAKE A LITTLE BIT OF A BREAK BUT PLEASE DON'T GO 595 00:31:32,924 --> 00:31:35,360 ANYWHERE BECAUSE WE'LL BE BACK WITH MORE JIM GAFFIGAN! 596 00:31:35,426 --> 00:31:37,495 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪♪ 597 00:31:45,069 --> 00:31:47,505 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪♪ 598 00:31:47,572 --> 00:31:49,507 >> Stephen: OH, HEY, EVERYBODY! 599 00:31:49,574 --> 00:31:53,311 WE'RE BACK TALKING SHOP HERE. 600 00:31:53,378 --> 00:31:54,312 WE'RE BACK. 601 00:31:54,379 --> 00:31:59,050 WITH CHESTERTON, INDIANA'S OWN MR. JIM GAFFIGAN. 602 00:31:59,117 --> 00:32:01,185 I WANT TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT THE MOVIE. 603 00:32:01,252 --> 00:32:02,787 YOU'RE A DISNEY STAR NOW. 604 00:32:02,854 --> 00:32:07,125 >> IT'S A DISNEY PIXAR THING. 605 00:32:07,191 --> 00:32:11,162 IT'S THE FIRST TIME MY KIDS HAVE EVER BEEN IMPRESSED. 606 00:32:11,229 --> 00:32:14,799 >> Stephen: THE MOVIE IS CALLED "LUCA," AND IT'S THE HIT 607 00:32:14,866 --> 00:32:16,000 OF THE SUMMER AT THIS POINT. 608 00:32:16,067 --> 00:32:21,272 IT'S THE FAST AND FURIOUS OF DISNEY PIXAR FILMS AT THIS 609 00:32:21,339 --> 00:32:21,906 POINT. 610 00:32:21,973 --> 00:32:24,108 YOU PLAY A SEA MONSTER. 611 00:32:24,175 --> 00:32:25,510 >> I PLAY A SEA MONSTER. 612 00:32:25,576 --> 00:32:27,345 I WAS OFFERED THE ROLE. 613 00:32:27,412 --> 00:32:30,548 I IMMEDIATELY GAINED 50 POUNDS FOR THE ROLE. 614 00:32:30,615 --> 00:32:32,383 >> Stephen: JUST TO GET INTO CHARACTER. 615 00:32:32,450 --> 00:32:35,320 >> AND THEY'RE LIKE THIS IS A VOICE ROLE. 616 00:32:35,386 --> 00:32:39,957 I'M, LIKE, I'M GOING TO DO IT ANYWAY BECAUSE THAT'S THE 617 00:32:40,024 --> 00:32:40,858 COMMITMENT I HAVE. 618 00:32:40,925 --> 00:32:42,927 ( LAUGHTER ) IT'S AMAZING, THE CONSISTENCY 619 00:32:42,994 --> 00:32:45,897 PIXAR HAS WITH THEIR MOVIES, THEY'RE JUST SO GOOD. 620 00:32:45,963 --> 00:32:49,100 IT REMINDS ME OF MY COMEDY SPECIALS. 621 00:32:49,167 --> 00:32:50,968 ( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: WE HAVE A CLIP 622 00:32:51,035 --> 00:32:51,602 HERE. 623 00:32:51,669 --> 00:32:53,705 DO YOU NEED TO SET THIS UP? 624 00:32:53,771 --> 00:32:54,839 WHAT'S GOING ON HERE? 625 00:32:54,906 --> 00:33:00,211 >> MY CHARACTER IS LORENZO AND HIS WIFE IS PLAYED BY MIA 626 00:33:00,278 --> 00:33:04,248 RUDOLPH, AND LUCA IS OUR SON WHO IS A SEA MONSTER WHO HAS GONE TO 627 00:33:04,315 --> 00:33:08,052 LAND, AND IT'S PRETTY SELF-EXPLANATORY AND YOU WILL 628 00:33:08,119 --> 00:33:08,820 ENJOY IT. 629 00:33:08,886 --> 00:33:11,656 >> Stephen: JIM. 630 00:33:11,723 --> 00:33:13,424 ( CHEERING ) >> HOW COULD MY MOTHER TELL HIM 631 00:33:17,395 --> 00:33:19,831 ABOUT THIS BLOOD THIRSTY LUNATICS? 632 00:33:19,897 --> 00:33:21,532 >> I CAN'T STILL BELIEVE HE WOULD DO THIS. 633 00:33:21,599 --> 00:33:23,801 IT'S NOT LIKE HIM. 634 00:33:23,868 --> 00:33:29,207 >> KEEP YOUR GORED UP, THERE WILL BE LAND MONSTERS 635 00:33:29,273 --> 00:33:30,942 EVERYWHERE OH! 636 00:33:31,008 --> 00:33:31,943 >> IT'S ME! 637 00:33:32,009 --> 00:33:34,812 YOU SCARED THE SCALES OFF ME. 638 00:33:34,879 --> 00:33:36,147 JEEZ, YOU'RE STRONG! 639 00:33:36,214 --> 00:33:37,382 UST A LITTLE ON EDGE. 640 00:33:37,448 --> 00:33:38,716 NO, I NEEDED THAT. 641 00:33:38,783 --> 00:33:40,017 IT REALLY WOKE ME UP. 642 00:33:40,084 --> 00:33:41,953 WOW, WE LOOK HORRIFYING. 643 00:33:42,019 --> 00:33:42,987 >> OOOH, GROSS. 644 00:33:43,054 --> 00:33:49,193 COME ON, LET'S FIND OUR SON. 645 00:33:49,260 --> 00:33:51,963 ( GASPS ) OOOH! 646 00:33:52,029 --> 00:33:52,563 UGG! 647 00:33:52,630 --> 00:33:53,197 >> Stephen: I CAN'T WAIT. 648 00:33:53,264 --> 00:33:55,533 IT'S ALREADY OUT NOW, RIGHT? 649 00:33:55,600 --> 00:33:58,569 >> IT'S ON DISNEY +. 650 00:33:58,636 --> 00:34:03,808 >> Stephen: AND TICKETS TO "THE FUN TOUR ARE ON SALE NOW. 651 00:34:03,875 --> 00:34:04,976 JIM GAFFIGAN, EVERYBODY. 652 00:34:05,042 --> 00:34:06,644 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH A PERFORMANCE BY JP SAXE AND JOHN 653 00:34:06,711 --> 00:34:07,345 MAYER. 654 00:34:07,412 --> 00:34:08,045 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪♪ 655 00:34:29,534 --> 00:34:30,568 ♪♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 656 00:34:30,635 --> 00:34:32,837 >> WE HAVE TO GET THAT PAINTED NOW. 657 00:34:32,904 --> 00:34:34,238 THEY HAVE TO PAINT IT. 658 00:34:34,305 --> 00:34:37,542 BECAUSE IF THEY DON'T PAINT IT, BAD THINGS ARE HAPPENING. 659 00:34:37,608 --> 00:34:39,777 I'M LOOKING AND IT HAS TO BE PAINTED. 660 00:34:39,844 --> 00:34:42,880 >> AND THAT'S THE STORY OF THE DELUSIONAL BOY WHO THOUGHT HE 661 00:34:42,947 --> 00:34:46,150 STILL HAD AUTHORITY OVER THE SOUTHERN BORDER. 662 00:34:46,217 --> 00:34:47,819 TUNE IN TOMORROW FOR THE NEXT STORY IN THE SERIES ENTITLED THE 663 00:34:47,885 --> 00:34:51,389 DELUSIONAL BOY WHO PRETENDS HE'S SEEN HIS WIFE IN THE PAST SIX 664 00:34:51,456 --> 00:34:51,756 WEEKS. 665 00:35:01,232 --> 00:35:02,433 >> STEPHEN: WELCOME BACK. 666 00:35:02,500 --> 00:35:06,404 HIS ALBUM, "DANGEROUS LEVELS OF INTROSPECTION," CAME OUT FRIDAY. 667 00:35:06,471 --> 00:35:12,910 PERFORMING, "HERE'S HOPIN'" WITH JOHN MAYER, JP SAXE. 668 00:35:12,977 --> 00:35:14,245 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪ ♪ ♪ 669 00:35:20,551 --> 00:35:32,330 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ WHEN SOMEBODY ASKS YOU 670 00:35:32,396 --> 00:35:40,638 "DO YOU THINK IT'S REALLY OVER " ♪ DO YOU SAY IT IS? 671 00:35:40,705 --> 00:35:44,442 DO YOU THINK IT IS? 672 00:35:44,509 --> 00:35:48,579 ♪ I KNOW YOU LOVED ME PROBABLY MORE THAN I REMEMBER 673 00:35:48,646 --> 00:35:56,621 ♪ BUT I KNOW YOU DID I KNOW YOU DID 674 00:35:56,687 --> 00:36:00,625 ♪ GETTING OVER YOU, GETTING OVER YOU 675 00:36:00,691 --> 00:36:04,629 ♪ JUST FEELS LIKE ONE LAST WAY THAT 676 00:36:04,695 --> 00:36:10,868 ♪ I'VE GOT LEFT TO LOSE YOU GETTING OVER YOU, 677 00:36:10,935 --> 00:36:15,640 ♪ GETTING OVER YOU JUST FEELS LIKE 678 00:36:15,706 --> 00:36:20,645 ♪ ONE LAST WAY THAT I'VE GOT LEFT TO LOSE YOU 679 00:36:20,711 --> 00:36:28,619 ♪ WHEN SOMEBODY ASKS YOU YOUR FAVORITE PART OF THIS CITY, 680 00:36:28,686 --> 00:36:34,859 ♪ DO YOU THINK OF ME LIKE I THINK OF YOU 681 00:36:34,926 --> 00:36:39,330 ♪ WHEN SOMEBODY WANTS YOU DOES EVERYONE ELSE STILL FEEL 682 00:36:39,397 --> 00:36:46,671 ♪ LIKE CHEATING 'CAUSE FOR ME THEY DO 683 00:36:46,737 --> 00:36:47,505 ♪ DO YOU FEEL THAT TOO? 684 00:36:47,572 --> 00:36:52,810 GETTING OVER YOU, ♪ GETTING OVER YOU 685 00:36:52,877 --> 00:37:00,718 JUST FEELS LIKE ONE LAST WAY ♪ THAT I'VE GOT LEFT TO LOSE YOU 686 00:37:00,785 --> 00:37:04,922 GETTING OVER YOU, ♪ GETTING OVER YOU 687 00:37:04,989 --> 00:37:12,697 JUST FEELS LIKE ONE LAST WAY ♪ THAT I'VE GOT LEFT TO LOSE YOU 688 00:37:12,763 --> 00:37:20,705 'CAUSE WE WERE REALLY SOMETHING ♪ WEREN'T WE? 689 00:37:20,771 --> 00:37:23,140 WE WERE REALLY EVERYTHING ♪ I EVER THOUGHT THAT 690 00:37:23,207 --> 00:37:29,246 LOVING SOMEONE COULD BE ♪ WE WERE REALLY SOMETHING 691 00:37:29,313 --> 00:37:32,717 WEREN'T WE? 692 00:37:32,783 --> 00:37:36,687 ♪ WE WERE REALLY EVERYTHING I EVER THOUGHT THAT LOVING 693 00:37:36,754 --> 00:37:48,733 ♪ SOMEONE COULD BE HERE'S HOPING I'M WRONG 694 00:37:48,799 --> 00:38:00,111 ♪ HERE'S HOPING I'M WRONG ♪ HERE'S HOPING I'M WRONG 695 00:38:00,177 --> 00:38:13,257 ♪ HERE'S HOPING I'M WRONG ♪ ♪ ♪ 696 00:38:13,324 --> 00:38:24,769 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ 697 00:38:24,835 --> 00:38:34,812 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ 698 00:38:34,879 --> 00:38:40,818 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ 699 00:38:40,885 --> 00:38:48,259 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ 700 00:38:48,325 --> 00:38:56,834 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ 701 00:38:56,901 --> 00:39:02,773 ♪ ♪ 702 00:39:02,840 --> 00:39:07,178 >> STEPHEN: JP SAXE AND JOHN MAYER, EVERYBODY WE'LL BE RIGHT 703 00:39:07,244 --> 00:39:07,845 BACK. 704 00:39:07,912 --> 00:39:08,446 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 705 00:39:20,891 --> 00:39:21,625 >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY! 706 00:39:21,692 --> 00:39:22,960 THAT'S IT FOR THE LATE SHOW. 707 00:39:23,027 --> 00:39:27,298 HAPPY FOURTH OF JULY JAMES CORDEN IS NEXT, GOODNIGHT. 708 00:39:27,364 --> 00:39:29,033 ♪♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )