>> BREAKING NEWS JUST MOMENTS AGO FROM "THE WASHINGTON POST,"
REPORTING THAT A MANHATTAN GRAND JURY HAS FILED CRIMINAL
INDICTMENTS AGAINST THE TRUMP ORGANIZATION AND HIS LONG-TIME
CHIEF FINANCIAL OFFICER ALLEN WEISSELBERG.
>> Announcer: IT'S "THE LATE SHOW" WITH STEPHEN COLBERT!
TONIGHT, A LONG-TIME COMING.
PLUSSTEPHEN WELCOMES JIM GAFFIGAN AND MUSICAL GUEST
JP SAXE AND JOHN MAYER, FEATURING JON BATISTE AND "STAY
HUMAN."
AND NOW LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK
CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪♪
( CHEERING ) ( AUDIENCE CHANTING STEPHEN )
>> Stephen: HAPPY THURSDAY.
HEY, EVERYBODY!
HEY, CHRIS!
HEY, MIKE!
WHAT'S GOING ON?
THANK YOU, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!
ALL OF YA.
GOOD TO SEE YA!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪♪
THANK YOU, GENTLEMEN.
MM-HMM, MM-HMM, MM-HMM.
WWWELCOME, WELCOME, EVERYBODY, T "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR SHOWS STEPHEN COLBERT.
IT IS ON NIGHTS LIKE THIS THAT I UNDERSTAND THE PRIVILEGE, THE
RESPONSIBILITY OF A SHOW LIKE THIS - TO COME OUT HERE AND TALK
WITH YOU, THE AMERICAN PEOPLE, ABOUT THE EVENTS TODAY THAT WILL
FOREVER CHANGE THE COURSE OF OUR NATION'S HISTORY, OR NOT.
( LAUGHTER ) TOO EARLY TO TELL.
BUT I DO KNOW THIS: TODAY THE FORMER PRESIDENT'S COMPANY
WAS INDICTED BY NEW YORK PROSECUTORS.
(AUDIENCE GOES WILD) >> Jon: THE BELL RUNG.
>> Stephen: THE BELL TOLLED.
AND -- AND -- AROUND I WANT TO JOIN YOU IN THAT FEELING, BUT I
HAVE BEEN HURT TOO MANY TIMES.
FIRST I FELL IN LOVE WITH THE MUELLER REPORT, THEN I BOUNCED
BACK WITH THE IMPEACHMENT, THEN I GAVE IT ONE MORE CHANCE WITH
THE OTHER IMPEACHMENT.
I JUST -- I JUST HURT, YOU KNOW...
( LAUGHTER ) PLUS, AS THIS DAY WAS
APPROACHING, I DESPERATELY WANTED TO BELIEVE THAT THIS
WOULD BE THE THING, BUT ALL THE EXPERTS WERE SAYING THAT THESE
CHARGES, UNLIKE THE FORMER PRESIDENT, SEEMED KINDA THIN.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) PLUS, IT WAS UNLIKELY THE FORMER
PRESIDENT WAS EVEN GOING TO BE PERSONALLY INDICTED.
AND IN HIS FILING, HE'S NOT PERSONALLY INTIED.
NOTHING STICKS TO THIS GUY.
I'D CALL HIM TEFLON DON, BUT I'M PRETTY SURE THAT COATING IS
DECK SEALANT.
HALF HALF.
>> Jon: HIT THE DECK!
>> Stephen: YOU GOT TO.
THIS TIME TO HAVE THE YEAR, YOU'VE GOT TO PUT A COATING ON
TO LOCK IN THE JUICES.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WELL, THIS AFTERNOON, THE
CHARGES WERE PRESENTED IN COURT AGAINST COMPANY C.F.O.
WEISSLEBERG IN CUFFS HEADING INTO COURTROOM.
HE'S THE ONE IN HANDCUFFS.
( LAUGHTER ) THIS IS A MOMENT OF RECKONING.
IT'S LIKE THE END OF AVENGERS, WHEN TONY STARK SNAPS HIS
FINGERS AND DESTROYS THANOS' ACCOUNTANT.
( LAUGHTER ) GOT TO WORK YOUR WAY UP TO
THANOS.
THEY'LL GET THERE.
THE 73-YEAR-OLD WEISSELBERG IS POSSIBLY FACING DECADES IN
PRISON.
PROSECUTORS ARE USING THE THREAT OF THAT LONG SENTENCE TO
PRESSURE HIM TO FLIP ON FORMER PRESIDENT MANGO UNCHAINED.
( LAUGHTER ) WILL IT WORK?
MAYBE.
BECAUSE WEISSELBERG'S FORMER DAUGHTER-IN-LAW SAYS THAT THE
TWO ARE LIKE BATMAN AND ROBIN, THEY'RE A TEAM.
THEY'RE NOT BEST FRIENDS.
( LAUGHTER ) HOLD ON!
BATMAN AND ROBIN AREN'T BEST FRIENDS?
HOW MANY BOMBSHELLS CAN AMERICANS TAKE IN ONE DAY?
( LAUGHTER ) I DON'T UNDERSTAND!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: IT'S TOO MUCH.
IT'S TOO MUCH.
ANYWAY, WE HERE AT THE LATE SHOW WILL STAY ON THIS STORY AS IT
CONTINUES TO DISAPPOINT US.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT I DO HAVE A GLIMMER OF HOPE
FOR A SLIVER OF CONSEQUENCES ON THE JANUARY 6TH INSURRECTION.
BECAUSE HOUSE SPEAKER NANCY PELOSI IS LAUNCHING AN
INVESTIGATION, APPOINTING A GROUP OF HOUSE MEMBERS CALLED A
SELECT COMMITTEE.
WHICH REALLY SOUNDS LIKE THE STORE BRAND, BUT STILL GOOD.
I LOVE SELECT COMMITTEE LEMON COOKIES.
( LAUGHTER ) MMM!
TODAY, PELOSI NAMED SEVEN PROMINENT DEMOCRATS TO THE
COMMITTEE, BUT THE BIG NEWS WAS THE ONE REPUBLICAN SHE NAMED:
>> CONGRESSWOMAN LIZ CHENEY OF THE ARMED SERVICES COMMITTEE HAS
PATRIOTICALLY AGREED TO SERVE ON THE COMMITTEE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: OKAY, SO THE
COMMITTEE HAS SEVEN DEMOCRATS TO GRILL THE
SEDITIONISTS, AND IF THAT DOESN'T WORK, THEY'VE GOT ONE
CHENEY TO SHOOT 'EM IN THE FACE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
A 15-YEAR-OLD JOKE.
STILL WORKS.
15 YEARS AGO.
EVERY DAY WE LEARN MORE ABOUT THE FOLKS THE SELECT COMMITTEE
WILL BE INVESTIGATING.
AND THEY'RE NOT THE TIGHTEST ZIP TIES IN THE BAG.
I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT 'EM IN TONIGHT'S SEDITIONIST ROUND-UP
ROUNDUP.
>> YOU'RE GONNA BE IN-COWCERATED.
♪♪ ( LAUGHTER )
>> STEPHEN: FIRST UP IS NEW YORK NATIVE AND CARTOON
HENCHMAN, GABRIEL BROWN.
BROWN WAS ARRESTED AFTER HE WAS IDENTIFIED IN VIDEOS FROM THAT
DAY THAT SHOW HIM SIGNING HIS OWN NAME ON A STOP THE STEAL
BANNER OUTSIDE THE US CAPITOL.
WHAT DID HE THINK THIS WAS, A RIOTERS' YEARBOOK?
( LAUGHTER ) IT EXPLAINS HIS MESSAGE,
DON'T BE A STRANGER THIS SUMMER, LET'S TOTALLY HANG, MIKE PENCE
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
OL' GABE BROWN DIDN'T JUST SIGN HIS NAME.
HE ALSO SAID HIS NAME.
ON CAMERA.
A BUNCH.
>> MY NAME'S GABRIEL BROWN.
G.B.0083 YOUTUBE CHANNEL.
>> MR BROWN.
>> BROWN: YEP.
>> STEPHEN: CRIMINAL MASTERMIND.
( LAUGHTER ) YOU CAN SEE IT ALL PLAY OUT IN
THE NEW CBS CRIME DRAMA -- CSI: AAAND WE'VE ALREADY CAUGHT
HIM.
( LAUGHTER ) ALSO, WORTH NOTING: HE PLUGGED
HIS YOUTUBE CHANNEL DURING THE INSURRECTION.
REMINDS ME OF WHEN JOHN WILKES BOOTH JUMPED ONTO THE STAGE AND
SHOUTED, SIC SEMPER LIKE AND SUBSCRIBE!
( LAUGHTER ) NEXT UP IN THE LASSO OF JUSTICE
UPSCALE CAPITOL RIOTER AND WOMAN WHO REALLY SHOULD'VE WORN A
BLACK SQUARE OVER HER FACE THAT DAY, SANDRA WEYER.
WEYER WAS ARRESTED MONDAY AFTER BEING CAUGHT ENCOURAGING AN
ASSAULT ON A "NEW YORK TIMES" PHOTOGRAPHER DURING THE CAPITOL
RIOT, YELLING, "GET HER OUT, MACE HER!"
THAT'S SCARY, ALSO DUMB.
(AS RIOTER) QUICK!
ATTACK THE PERSON CURRENTLY TAKING PHOTOGRAPHIC EVIDENCE OF
WHAT WE'RE DOING TO HER.
MAKE SURE SHE GETS YOUR GOOD SIDE.
WEYER EXPLAINED HER ACTIONS, SAYING, THE PHOTOGRAPHER WAS
ANTI-MAGA, LET'S PUT IT THAT WAY.
LET'S PUT IT THAT WAY?
ANTI-MAGA IS NOT A EUPHEMISM!
(AS GANGSTER) I JUST FOUND OUT THAT JIMMY'S,
HOW DO I PUT IT?
AN INFORMANT FOR THE GOVERNMENT.
LET'S PUT IT THAT WAY.
( LAUGHTER ) AND I WANT YOU TO, AND I HOPE
YOU GET MY DRIFT, SHOOT HIM IN THE HEAD, DROP HIS BODY IN THE
RIVER.
OKAY?
( LAUGHTER ) GET LOTS OF PHOTOS OF THAT.
NEXT UP ON THE ROUNDUP-ROUNDUP --
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WOW!
THANK YOU!
OH, SMOOTH, BABY!
NEXT UP, CHASE ALLEN, WHO ADMITTED TO
BEING AT THE CAPITOL BUT THEN INSISTED HE WASN'T THERE AS A
PROTESTOR.
FOR MORE, WE TURN TO WPRI, SEEKONK, MASSACHUSETTS'S NEWS
LEADER.
>> I'M A DOCUMENTARIAN AND YOU KNOW AS LIKE YOU GUYS, WHEN YOU
GUYS HEAR OF SOMETHING, YOU GUYS SHOW UP AS YOU DO NOW AND ASK
QUESTIONS OR RECORD AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS.
THAT'S WHAT I WAS DOING THERE.
( LAUGHTER ) >> STEPHEN: YES, HE LOOKS JUST
LIKE A DOCUMENTARIAN OR A JOURNALIST.
CLEARLY, INSPIRED BY THE DIGNIFIED STYLE OF WALTER
CRONKITE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
OW!
I DIDN'T KNOW CRONKITE WAS CUT, MAN.
I HAD NO IDEA.
HE WAS JACKED.
AND THAT'S THE WAY IT IS!
>> Jon: GIT IT!
>> Stephen: THE ONLY PROBLEM WITH ALLEN'S
"I'M JUST A DOCUMENTARIAN" EXCUSE IS THAT THERE WERE OTHER
PEOPLE WITH CAMERAS THERE THAT DAY.
AND THEY DOCUMENTED HIM DOING SOME OTHER STUFF:
( LAUGHTER ) >> SO THERE ARE PHOTOS OF YOU
REPORTEDLY KIND OF STOMPING ON CAMERA EQUIPMENT AND STUFF.
IS THAT YOU IN THAT PICTURE THE F.B.I. IS PUTTING OUT?
>> I WOULD NOT LIKE TO COMMENT ON THAT AT THIS TIME.
BUT I'M WORKING EVERYTHING OUT WITH THE COURTS AND WHATNOT.
>> STEPHEN: YES AND AFTER THE COURTS AND WHATNOT, HE'LL BE
HEADED TO THE FEDERAL PRISON AND SOMESUCH, MEOW MEOW MEOW.
YADA YADA YADA.
( LAUGHTER ) NEXT UP: POLICE OFFICER, THOMAS
ROBERTSON.
ROBERTSON WAS ALREADY CHARGED FOR STORMING THE CAPITOL AND
RELEASED ON BAIL.
BUT PROSECUTORS WANT HIM BACK BEHIND BARS, BECAUSE ONE
CONDITION FOR HIS RELEASE WAS TO NOT OWN FIREARMS, AND HE HAS
RECENTLY...
ACQUIRED 34 GUNS.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) WHY DOES HE HAVE 34 GUNS?
SOMEONE SHOULD REALLY TELL THIS GUY ABOUT RELOADING.
BANG BANG BANG, CLICK CLICK CLICK, DAMN THIS ONE'S OUT OF
BULLETS!
OH, WELL, INTO THE TRASH CAN.
NEW GUN, PLEASE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 34.
ROBERTSON WAS ALSO FOUND WITH A PARTIALLY ASSEMBLED PIPE BOMB
IN A BOX LABELED BOOBY TRAP.
( LAUGHTER ) IT'S A LITTLE OBVIOUS.
THAT'S LIKE HIDING YOUR PORNOGRAPHY IN A BOX LABELED
BOOBY TRAP.
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, I WANT TO CHANGE GEARS
HERE.
AS I SAID AT THE TOP OF THE SHOW, I TAKE THIS JOB VERY
SERIOUSLY, IT'S A RESPONSIBILITY AND A PRIVILEGE AND FOR TOO LONG
I HAVE BEEN SILENT ABOUT THE GENERATIONAL CONFLICT
BETWEEN ISRAELIS AND PALESTINIANS.
WELL, THAT ENDS TONIGHT.
BECAUSE I, STEPHEN COLBERT, CAN NOW SAY WITH COMPLETE CONVICTION
(EMERGENCY-LIKE ALARM) OH, MY GOD
IT'S THE EMERGENCY MEANWHILE SYSTEM.
( APPLAUSE ) WE DO NOT HAVE A MEANWHILE
SCHEDULED FOR TONIGHT, BUT WE ARE REQUIRED, PER CITY
ORDINANCE, TO INTERRUPT THE MONOLOGUE FOR MY TIME-SENSITIVE
SEGMENT: ♪♪
BREAKING "MEANWHILE!"!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: BREAKING
"MEANWHILE!," THIS JUST IN -- A MAN'S PENIS BROKE
VERTICALLY DURING SEX.
WHICH MEANS THIS BREAKING MEANWHILE IS, IN FACT, A
BREAKING PEENWHILE.
♪♪ ( APPLAUSE )
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, HERE'S WHAT HAPPENED -- AND I HOPE
YOUR PENIS IS SITTING DOWN.
A REGULAR PENIS BREAK OCCURS DURING SEX WHEN A FULLY ERECT
PENIS IS BENT TOO FAR AND/OR WITH TOO MUCH FORCE AND BUCKLES
UNDER THE PRESSURE, AND IT'S ALMOST ALWAYS ACCOMPANIED BY A
LOUD POPPING SOUND.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) AND LEMME TELL YOU, ONCE YOU
POP, YOU WILL STOP.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
NOW, THAT'S A HORIZONTAL BREAK, KIND OF LIKE SNAPPING INTO A
SLIM JIM.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT IN THIS CASE, THE MAN HAD A
VERTICAL PENILE FRACTURE.
DIFFICULT TO IMAGINE, SO WE COMMISSIONED THIS COMPUTER
SIMULATION OF THE INJURY: ♪♪
IN THIS CASE, THE MAN'S PENIS BUCKLED AGAINST HIS
PARTNER'S PERINEUM.
MORE COLORFULFULLY KNOWN AS THE TAINT.
AGAIN, THE MECHANICS OF THIS MIGHT BE TOUGH TO IMAGINE, SO WE
HAVE ANOTHER SIMULATION: ♪♪
( LAUGHTER ) I DO APPRECIATE THAT THEY FELT
THE NEED TO REPORT THAT BREAKING YOUR JUNK CAUSES IMMEDIATE
DETUMESCENCE, OR THE LOSS OF AN ERECTION.
WELL, YEAH, NOTHING BREAKS THE MOOD QUICKER THAN BREAKING THE
MOOD.
( LAUGHTER ) THE DOCTORS INVOLVED WERE ALSO
PRETTY EXCITED TO REPORT THAT THIS IS A MEDICAL FIRST.
( LAUGHTER ) THANK YOU, SCIENCE.
( LAUGHTER ) DON'T WORRY ABOUT HUNTING FOR A
CURE FOR ALZHEIMER'S, KEEP TRACKING NEW WAYS TO SPLIT THE
PENIS.
IT'S WHAT THEY'RE RESEARCHING AT THE LARGE HARD-ON COLLIDER.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
ANY PENISES WATCHING THIS BROADCAST WILL BE HAPPY TO KNOW
THAT AFTER TREATMENT, THE DOCTORS SAYTHE SURGERY SEEMED
TO BE A COMPLETE SUCCESS.
AND IT DIDN'T TAKE LONG FOR THE MAN TO RECOVER.
GREAT NEWS.
THOUGH, IT WAS AWKWARD WHEN HE ASKED HIS FRIENDS TO SIGN THE
CAST.
( LAUGHTER ) WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT, MY GUEST IS JIM GAFFIGAN.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, I'LL BE TALKING ABOUT SOME GREAT THINGS
TO DO THIS SUMMER IN THE RETURN OF ONE OF MY FAVORITE SEGMENTS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪♪
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: HEY EVERYBODY!
WELCOME BACK!
GIVE IT UP FOR JON BATISTE AND "STAY HUMAN," EVERYBODY!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I FEEL THE
SAME WAY, 100%.
FOLKS, I'VE GOT TO TELL YOU, IT'S BEEN SO GREAT DOING SHOWS
IN FRONT OF A LIVE AUDIENCE ON BROADWAY AGAIN.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) NEW YORK CITY IS BACK.
BUT LONGTIME VIEWERS OF THE LATE SHOW KNOW THAT THERE ARE CITIES
OTHER THAN NEW YORK.
( LAUGHTER ) AND I HOPE THEY'RE BACK TOO.
BECAUSE I LOVE THE SMALL TOWNS OF AMERICA.
THAT'S WHY WE HAVE A SEGMENT CALLED COMMUNITY CALENDAR WHERE
A GUEST AND I TALK ABOUT ACTUAL EVENTS THAT ARE ACTUALLY
HAPPENING IN THAT GUEST'S ACTUAL HOMETOWN.
WE'RE TALKING PLACES LIKE PLAINFIELD, ILLINOIS OR
STILLWATER, OKLAHOMA OR-- DID SOMEBODY SAY CHESTERTON,
-- >> DID SOMEBODY SAY CHESTERTON,
INDIANA?
>> Stephen: JIM GAFFIGAN?
HOW ARE YOU?
>> Stephen: JIM GAFFIGAN?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪♪
JIM GAFFIGAN, ARE YOU TELLING ME, ARE YOU HERE TO TELL ME THAT
YOU'RE FROM CHESTERTON, INDIANA?
>> CAN YOU BELIEVE THE COINCIDENCE?
I'M FROM CHESTERTON, INDIANA.
>> Stephen: IT'S MORE THAN A COINCIDENCE, IT'S A HAPPY
ACCIDENT BECAUSE IT'S TIME FOR CHESTERTON, INDIANA'S COMMUNITY
CALENDAR.
♪♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WELCOME TO COMMUNITY CALENDAR, YOUR SOURCE FOR WHAT'S HAPPENING
IN AND AROUND CHESTERTON, INDIANA AND THE GREATER DUNELAND
AREA.
JOINING ME IS NATIVE CHESTERTON-IAN, JIM GAFFIGAN.
WELCOME JIM.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> THANKS, STEPHEN.
YOU KNOW WHAT WE SAY IN CHESTERTON: IT'S A CHESTER-TON
OF FUN.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) >> STEPHEN: SO TRUE.
NOW, LET'S GET TO SOME ACTUAL UPCOMING EVENTS GOING ON IN AND
AROUND CHESTERTON.
>> THIS WEDNESDAY, HEAD TO NEARBY PORTAGE LAKEFRONT
PAVILION FOR SUNSET YOGA.
PRO-TIP: IF YOU DON'T LOOK GOOD IN YOGA PANTS, SHOW UP LATE,
IT'LL BE DARK.
( LAUGHTER ) >> STEPHEN: FROM NOW THROUGH
SUNDAY AT THE MEMORIAL OPERA HOUSE, IT'S THE CLOSING WEEKEND
FOR "CLUE: THE MUSICAL."
IT WILL BE FOLLOWED BY "RISK: THE MUSICAL," WHICH LASTS TWELVE
STRAIGHT HOURS AND ENDS WHEN THE CAST GETS SICK OF IT AND STOPS
PLAYING.
( LAUGHTER ) >> ON JULY 25TH AT THE PORTER
COUNTY FAIR, IT'S THE NIGHT OF -- BY THE WAY, I WENT TO THAT
AND IT'S AN AMAZING FAIR -- BUT ON THE NIGHT OF THE 25th, IT'S
A NIGHT OF DESTRUCTION, A DEMOLITION DERBY
FOR CARS, TRUCKS, AND VANS, AS WELL AS KIDS POWER WHEELS.
( LAUGHTER ) SO COME ON AND SMASH EM UP IF
YOU'VE GOT A SPARE CAR OR A SPARE KID.
THAT'S WHITE RAGE.
( LAUGHTER ) >> STEPHEN: EVERY SATURDAY THIS
SUMMER, IT'S CHESTERTON'S FAMOUS EUROPEAN MARKET, FEATURING OVER
EIGHTY VENDORS FROM INDIANA, MICHIGAN, AND ILLINOIS.
SO STOP BY FOR A TASTE OF EUROPE ALL THE WAY FROM MILAN
ILLINOIS, PARIS MICHIGAN, AND FRENCH LICK INDIANA.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
JIM, WHY DO THEY CALL IT FRENCH LICK?
>> WELL, SOME PEOPLE THINK IT REFERS TO EARLY FRENCH SETTLERS
WHO DISCOVERED NEARBY SALT LICKS.
BUT I LIKE TO THINK IT WAS TWO HORNY SETTLERS JUST TONGUING
DOWN ON EACH OTHER.
( LAUGHTER ) THAT'S HOW WE DO IT INDIANA
STYLE.
( LAUGHTER ) HERE'S A FUN ONE.
ON JULY 15TH, HEAD TO INDIANA DUNES -- BY THE WAY, I SET AN
ENTIRE DO YOU KNOW ON FIRE WHEN I WAS 15.
BUT HEAD TO THE DUNES STATE PARK FOR
FAMILY-FRIENDLY IMPROV COMEDY ON THE BEACH.
PERFECT FOR ANYONE WHO'S BEEN AT AN IMPROV SHOW AND THOUGHT, THIS
IS GREAT, BUT COULD I ALSO HAVE SAND IN MY ASSCRACK.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> STEPHEN: NEXT THURSDAY AT ANDERSON'S WINERY AND VINEYARDS
IT'S SPEED NETWORKING AFTER HOURS.
WHICH WILL TAKE PLACE AT THE LATE, LATE HOUR OF
4:00 PM.
SO STOP ON BY TO MAKE VITAL BUSINESS CONTACTS WITH
GO-GETTERS WHO LEAVE WORK EARLY TO START DRINKING.
>> ON JULY 29TH, HEAD TO THE CHESTERTON AMPHITHEATER FOR A
MUSIC SERIES CALLED "COFFEE AND A CONCERT."
ORIGINALLY TITLED "YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO POOP IN
THE MIDDLE OF THE CONCERT."
( LAUGHTER ) >> STEPHEN: OF COURSE THIS
SUNDAY IS THE FOURTH OF JULY, SO HEAD ON OVER TO THE HOBART
LAKEFRONT FIREWORKS, FEATURING LIVE MUSIC FROM THE BAND CHRONIC
FLANNEL.
( LAUGHTER ) NAMED FOR THE TWO THINGS WILLIE
NELSON ALWAYS HAS ON HIM.
>> NEXT FRIDAY IN MICHIGAN CITY, INDIANA, BOOK YOUR TICKET FOR A
COMBINATION BOAT TOUR AND BACHELORETTE PARTY CALLED
THE CRUISE BEFORE THE I-DO'S ( LAUGHTER )
WHICH WILL INCLUDE A SPECIAL APPEARANCE BY THE MEN OF
MICHIGAN CITY STRIPPERS.
( LAUGHTER ) THAT CAN'T BE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) BY THE WAY -- ALL RIGHT.
THAT'S RIGHT, THE MALE STRIPPERS FROM INDIANA THAT ARE SOMEHOW
NOT CALLED "HOOSIER DADDY."
( LAUGHTER ) >> YOU KNOW, THAT'S HOW I PAID
FOR COLLEGE.
AND, ACTUALLY, STRIPPING WAS MY MAJOR IN COLLEGE.
>> STEPHEN: REALLY?
OH, YEAH, AND -- >> Stephen: GO ON, JIM.
IS THERE MORE TO THIS STORY, JIM?
>> I THINK THERE MIGHT BE.
I EVEN HAD A SPECIAL MOVE AND IT WAS CALLED THE FRENCH LICK.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> STEPHEN: WELL, THAT DOES IT
FOR CHESTERTON INDIANA'S COMMUNITY CALENDAR.
>> AS WE LIKE TO SAY IN INDIANA: I'D ALWAYS RATHER BE IN-DEANNA
THAN OUT-DEANNA.
( LAUGHTER ) >> STEPHEN: STICK AROUND, I'LL
BE BACK WITH JIM GAFFIGAN.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪♪
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!
WELCOME BACK!
TO YOUR "LATE SHOW" AND MINE.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MY GUEST TONIGHT IS A VERY POPULAR
COMEDIAN WHO GREW UP IN CHESTERTON, INDIANA, AND WHO NOW
STARS IN THE NEW PIXAR FILM "LUCA."
HIS COMEDY TOUR, "THE FUN TOUR," BEGINS LATER THIS MONTH IN
HAWAII.
PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO THE LATE SHOW, JIM GAFFIGAN.
♪♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: HEY!
WOW...
>> Stephen: YEAH, YEAH.
WELCOME BACK.
>> WE'RE DOING THIS AGAIN.
>> Stephen: WE'RE DOING THIS AGAIN.
WE HAVE NOT ACTUALLY SAT DOWN AND TONE THE INTERVIEW IN MEOW,
MEOW SINCE HOW LONG?
WAY BEFORE COVID, OBVIOUSLY.
>> IT'S CRAZY.
>> Stephen: A YEAR AND A HALF, SOMETHING LIKE THAT?
>> EVERYTHING, IT'S JUST SO WEIRD TO SEE PEOPLE WITHOUT
MASKS NOW.
ISN'T IT STRANGE?
( CHEERING ) >> Stephen: RIGHT?
AND YOU LOOK AT SOME FACES AND YOU'RE, LIKE, YOU KNOW WHAT?
YOU SHOULD PROBABLY STICK WITH A MASK.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
THERE ARE SOME PEOPLE THAT, IT MIGHT BE BETTER FOR YOU.
>> Stephen: YEAH.
AND THAT SOUNDS HARSH, BUT, YOU KNOW, WE ALL KNOW WHERE WE
STAND, RIGHT?
>> Stephen: SURE.
I MEAN, WE LEARN FROM SUCH AN EARLY AGE.
I REMEMBER IN KINDERGARTEN, YOU KNOW, THE GIRLS WOULD CHASE THE
CUTE BOYS AT RECESS, AND LET'S JUST SAY I DIDN'T DO A LOT OF
RUNNING.
( LAUGHTER ) YOU KNOW, I DID, LIKE, NO
RUNNING.
I THINK THAT'S WHERE MY NO RUNNING STARTED.
>> BUT I REMEMBER BEING FIVE OR SIX AND THINKING, OKAY, THIS IS
WHAT IT'S GOING TO BE LIKE.
>> Stephen: SURE.
I'M GOING TO BE WRITING SOME JOKES.
( LAUGHTER ) AND I'LL BE HANGING OUT WITH THE
FELLAS.
I EVEN CALLED OTHER BOYS FELLAS.
>> Stephen: AT FIVE OR SIX?
FELLAS, WE GOTTA TALK.
>> I CALLED THEM FELLAS.
A LOT OF FELLA TIME.
>> Stephen: BESIDES THE FACT OF SEEING EACH OTHER'S FACES --
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: -- ONE OF THE THINGS I NOTICED IS WE CAN DO
THINGS AGAIN.
>> I KNOW.
>> Stephen: I'M CURIOUS, I'VE KNOWN YOU FOR A FEW YEARS NOW,
DOES JIM GAFFIGAN ENJOY DOING THINGS?
>> NOT REALLY.
( LAUGHTER ) WELL, YOU KNOW -- YOU KNOW,
THERE IS PART OF THE PANDEMIC WHERE THEY WERE, LIKE, YOU CAN'T
GO OUTSIDE.
I'M, LIKE -- GOOD.
( LAUGHTER ) I WAS, LIKE, ALL RIGHT, YOU WANT
ME TO EAT PIZZA, TOO?
( LAUGHTER ) SO, AS THINGS OPEN UP AND, YOU
KNOW, WE GET TO SEE PEOPLE AND THERE'S EVENTS THAT -- THERE'S
THINGS THAT, YOU KNOW, THAT'S RIGHT...
LIKE I WAS RECENTLY INNOVATED BY A FRIEND OF MINE FOR AN ALL-MALE
WEEKEND AND THEY TRY TO SELL IT WHERE IT'S GREAT.
DUDE, IT'S GOING TO BE AWESOME AND WE'RE GOING TO RENT A CABIN,
JUST GUYS, NO WOMEN.
I'M, LIKE, I'M ALREADY OUT.
AND THEY'RE LIKE, NO, IT WILL BE PERFECT, WE'LL SMOKE CIGARS AND
PLAY POKER, JUST GUYS!
I'M, LIKE, THAT SOUNDS HORRIBLE.
>> Stephen: ARE YOUR FRIENDS ALL GANGSTERS FROM 1927?
>> YEAH -- ( GANGSTER TALK )
-- YEAH, IT WILL BE LIKE A GREAT WEEKEND LIKE WE'LL BE IN
PRISONER OR SOMETHING.
( LAUGHTER ) DO YOU DO THE MALE "WEEKEND
NEWS"?
>> Stephen: SOMETIMES.
I MIGHT GO FISHING.
>> FISHING.
MY BROTHER MITCH, WHO IS FROM CHESTERTON, INDIANA.
>> Stephen: I HEAR GOOD THINGS.
>> HE LIVES THERE, AND EVERY YEAR HE GOES ON A GOLFING TRIP
WITH 30 MEN.
THEY FLY FROM INDIANA TO FLORIDA AND THEY DO A GOLFING WEEKEND
WHERE THEY RENT THREE HOUSES, 30 MEN, TEN MEN TO A HOUSE, AND
THEY PLAY GOLF IN THE MORNING AND EAT LUNCH TOGETHER AND PLAY
GOLF IN THE AFTERNOON AND GO BACK TO THE HOUSE AND HAVE SEX
WITH EACH OTHER I DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY DO.
>> Stephen: GOOD FOR THEM.
GOOD FOR THEM.
HOW MUCH FELLOWSHIP CAN YOU HAVE?
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
OBVIOUSLY -- I MEAN, MY BROTHER IS NOT GAY, AND HONESTLY I
WOULDN'T CARE IF HE WAS.
BUT IF HE EVER CAME OUT HE WOULD BE, LIKE, I GAVE YOU SO MANY
HINTS.
I VACATION WITH 30 MEN, YOU KNOW.
>> Stephen: HAY, LISTEN, I UNDERSTAND THE COMEDY TOUR.
HAVE YOU BEEN IN FRONT OF A LIVE AUDIENCE YET OR IS THIS IT?
>> DID A SHOW LAST NIGHT.
YOU KNOW, I HAVE AN HOUR MATERIAL THAT I HAD BEEN DOING
BEFORE THE PANDEMIC STOPPED AND, SO, LAST NIGHT, I DID THE ENTIRE
HOUR IN ROUGHLY, LIKE, SEVEN MINUTES.
( LAUGHTER ) SO I DON'T KNOW.
I'M NERVOUS, BUT IT WAS SO FUN AND, HOPEFULLY, I'LL GET BACK.
>> Stephen: AND YOU'RE STARTING IN HAWAII.
THIS SOUNDS LIKE A BIG TOUR.
>> YEAH, NO, IT'S -- WELL, HAWAII WAS A NEGOTIATION BECAUSE
MY WIFE, I WANT HER TO BE HAPPY, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
>> Stephen: SURE.
AND NO ONE'S EVER BEEN, LIKE, OH, SHOOT, WE'VE GOT GO TO
HAWAII.
EVERYONE'S LIKE, HAWAII'S AMAZING, RIGHT.
>> Stephen: HOW DOES A GAFFIGAN DO UNDER THE TROPICAL
SUN.
>> YOU MIGHT LOOK AT ME AND THINK, OH, THAT GUY'S NOT GOOD
IN THE SUN, AND I'M NOT.
( LAUGHTER ) AND DON'T GET ME WRONG, IT'S NOT
JUST THE HOUR AND A HALF OF PUTTING ON SUNSCREEN AND THEN
GOING TO THE BEACH AND, FOR AN HOUR AND A HALF PEOPLE SAYING,
DO YOU HAVE SUNSCREEN ON?
THAT'S ANNOYING.
IT'S JUST -- >> Stephen: STRANGERS, RIGHT?
YEAH.
>> Stephen: NOT EVEN LOVED ONES, JUST COMPLETE STRANGERS.
>> NO ONE WANTS TO SEE ME AT THE BEACH.
LIKE, PEOPLE ARE, LIKE, YOU KNOW WHAT?
I MIGHT WANT TO EAT SOMETHING, GET OUT OF HERE.
BUT, LIKE, I DON'T THINK MEN SHOULD BE AT THE BEACH.
I THINK MEN ARE GROSS.
AND MEN -- MEN OVER THE AGE OF, LIKE, 50 SHOULDN'T BE ALLOWED AT
THE BEACH.
IT'S JUST LIKE, AS WOMEN GET OLDER, THEY BECOME MORE ELEGANT.
AS MEN GET OLDER, THEY LOOK LIKE THEY'RE DECOMPOSING.
>> Stephen: RIGHT.
LIKE, IF YOU AND I HAD OUR SHIRTS OFF RIGHT NOW, LIKE,
BEFORE THE SHOW -- >> Stephen: EXACTLY, EXACTLY,
WHEN WE WERE WRESTLING, EXACTLY.
>> -- BUT LIKE WHEN YOU SEE A GUY, LIKE A 50-YEAR-OLD MAN WITH
HIS SHIRT OFF, WHICH A LOT OF US HAVE, THEY LOOK LIKE THE FIRST
DRAFT OF A HUMAN, RIGHT?
LIKE A SIMPSONS CHARACTER.
>> Stephen: SOMEONE SAW ONE ONCE AND SAID, I THINK THEY LOOK
LIKE THIS.
>> YEAH.
( LAUGHTER ) WHEN MEN GET OLDER, THINGS STOP
WORKING, DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
>> Stephen: I'M, LIKE, AN ENTIRE RECESSIVE GENE, BUT,
LIKE, GENERALLY, FOR MEN, THEIR, LIKE, EVERY MONTH I GOT TO GROW
HAIR ON THIS GUY'S HEAD, THEN THE BRAIN SAYS I HAVE TO GROW
HAIR EVERYWHERE BUT THE GUY'S HEAD.
>> Stephen: WHAT IF HE HAD SUPER FUZZY NIPPLES.
>> RIGHT.
MEN GROW HAIR IN WEIRD PARTS OF THEIR BODY.
THAT'S NATURE'S WAY OF SAYING STOP MATING, YOU KNOW, OR I WILL
TURN YOU INTO A THROW RUG.
( LAUGHTER ) I HAVE SOME BODY HAIR, YOU KNOW.
I KNOW YOU HAVE A LOT OF BODY HAIR.
>> Stephen: YEAH.
YEAH, YEAH.
>> AND THEY DON'T NEED TO KNOW THAT.
THEY DON'T NEED TO KNOW.
>> Stephen: I GOT NOTHING TO HIDE.
I GOT NOTHING TO HIDE.
>> BUT I SAW A GUY LAST TIME I WAS AT THE BEACH, MID 60s, HAD
A SHIRT OFF, NOT A LOT OF BODY HAIR -- ALL BODY HAIR.
( LAUGHTER ) FOR A SECOND, I THOUGHT THEY
WERE SHOOTING A GEICO COMMERCIAL.
( LAUGHTER ) I MEAN, HE WAS -- I HAD TO STOP
MY YOUNGEST SON FROM TRYING TO PET HIM.
I WAS, LIKE, LET HIM SMELL YOUR HAND FIRST, YOU KNOW WHAT I
MEAN?
AND HE HAD SUCH A CONFIDENCE, HE WAS JUST STRUTTING AROUND LIKE
HE HAD SPENT A LIFETIME DEALING WITH HAIRY SITUATIONS, AND HE
SAT DOWN NEXT TO THIS REALLY ATTRACTIVE WOMAN, AND I THOUGHT,
WOW, THAT WOMAN LOVE THAT GUY'S MONEY.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: IT'S A BEAUTIFUL
STORY.
WE HAVE TO TAKE A LITTLE BIT OF A BREAK BUT PLEASE DON'T GO
ANYWHERE BECAUSE WE'LL BE BACK WITH MORE JIM GAFFIGAN!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪♪
>> Stephen: OH, HEY, EVERYBODY!
WE'RE BACK TALKING SHOP HERE.
WE'RE BACK.
WITH CHESTERTON, INDIANA'S OWN MR. JIM GAFFIGAN.
I WANT TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT THE MOVIE.
YOU'RE A DISNEY STAR NOW.
>> IT'S A DISNEY PIXAR THING.
IT'S THE FIRST TIME MY KIDS HAVE EVER BEEN IMPRESSED.
>> Stephen: THE MOVIE IS CALLED "LUCA," AND IT'S THE HIT
OF THE SUMMER AT THIS POINT.
IT'S THE FAST AND FURIOUS OF DISNEY PIXAR FILMS AT THIS
POINT.
YOU PLAY A SEA MONSTER.
>> I PLAY A SEA MONSTER.
I WAS OFFERED THE ROLE.
I IMMEDIATELY GAINED 50 POUNDS FOR THE ROLE.
>> Stephen: JUST TO GET INTO CHARACTER.
>> AND THEY'RE LIKE THIS IS A VOICE ROLE.
I'M, LIKE, I'M GOING TO DO IT ANYWAY BECAUSE THAT'S THE
COMMITMENT I HAVE.
( LAUGHTER ) IT'S AMAZING, THE CONSISTENCY
PIXAR HAS WITH THEIR MOVIES, THEY'RE JUST SO GOOD.
IT REMINDS ME OF MY COMEDY SPECIALS.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: WE HAVE A CLIP
HERE.
DO YOU NEED TO SET THIS UP?
WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?
>> MY CHARACTER IS LORENZO AND HIS WIFE IS PLAYED BY MIA
RUDOLPH, AND LUCA IS OUR SON WHO IS A SEA MONSTER WHO HAS GONE TO
LAND, AND IT'S PRETTY SELF-EXPLANATORY AND YOU WILL
ENJOY IT.
>> Stephen: JIM.
( CHEERING ) >> HOW COULD MY MOTHER TELL HIM
ABOUT THIS BLOOD THIRSTY LUNATICS?
>> I CAN'T STILL BELIEVE HE WOULD DO THIS.
IT'S NOT LIKE HIM.
>> KEEP YOUR GORED UP, THERE WILL BE LAND MONSTERS
EVERYWHERE OH!
>> IT'S ME!
YOU SCARED THE SCALES OFF ME.
JEEZ, YOU'RE STRONG!
UST A LITTLE ON EDGE.
NO, I NEEDED THAT.
IT REALLY WOKE ME UP.
WOW, WE LOOK HORRIFYING.
>> OOOH, GROSS.
COME ON, LET'S FIND OUR SON.
( GASPS ) OOOH!
UGG!
>> Stephen: I CAN'T WAIT.
IT'S ALREADY OUT NOW, RIGHT?
>> IT'S ON DISNEY +.
>> Stephen: AND TICKETS TO "THE FUN TOUR ARE ON SALE NOW.
JIM GAFFIGAN, EVERYBODY.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH A PERFORMANCE BY JP SAXE AND JOHN
MAYER.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪♪
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> WE HAVE TO GET THAT PAINTED NOW.
THEY HAVE TO PAINT IT.
BECAUSE IF THEY DON'T PAINT IT, BAD THINGS ARE HAPPENING.
I'M LOOKING AND IT HAS TO BE PAINTED.
>> AND THAT'S THE STORY OF THE DELUSIONAL BOY WHO THOUGHT HE
STILL HAD AUTHORITY OVER THE SOUTHERN BORDER.
TUNE IN TOMORROW FOR THE NEXT STORY IN THE SERIES ENTITLED THE
DELUSIONAL BOY WHO PRETENDS HE'S SEEN HIS WIFE IN THE PAST SIX
WEEKS.
>> STEPHEN: WELCOME BACK.
HIS ALBUM, "DANGEROUS LEVELS OF INTROSPECTION," CAME OUT FRIDAY.
PERFORMING, "HERE'S HOPIN'" WITH JOHN MAYER, JP SAXE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪ ♪ ♪
♪ WHEN SOMEBODY ASKS YOU
"DO YOU THINK IT'S REALLY OVER " ♪ DO YOU SAY IT IS?
DO YOU THINK IT IS?
♪ I KNOW YOU LOVED ME PROBABLY MORE THAN I REMEMBER
♪ BUT I KNOW YOU DID I KNOW YOU DID
♪ GETTING OVER YOU, GETTING OVER YOU
♪ JUST FEELS LIKE ONE LAST WAY THAT
♪ I'VE GOT LEFT TO LOSE YOU GETTING OVER YOU,
♪ GETTING OVER YOU JUST FEELS LIKE
♪ ONE LAST WAY THAT I'VE GOT LEFT TO LOSE YOU
♪ WHEN SOMEBODY ASKS YOU YOUR FAVORITE PART OF THIS CITY,
♪ DO YOU THINK OF ME LIKE I THINK OF YOU
♪ WHEN SOMEBODY WANTS YOU DOES EVERYONE ELSE STILL FEEL
♪ LIKE CHEATING 'CAUSE FOR ME THEY DO
♪ DO YOU FEEL THAT TOO?
GETTING OVER YOU, ♪ GETTING OVER YOU
JUST FEELS LIKE ONE LAST WAY ♪ THAT I'VE GOT LEFT TO LOSE YOU
GETTING OVER YOU, ♪ GETTING OVER YOU
JUST FEELS LIKE ONE LAST WAY ♪ THAT I'VE GOT LEFT TO LOSE YOU
'CAUSE WE WERE REALLY SOMETHING ♪ WEREN'T WE?
WE WERE REALLY EVERYTHING ♪ I EVER THOUGHT THAT
LOVING SOMEONE COULD BE ♪ WE WERE REALLY SOMETHING
WEREN'T WE?
♪ WE WERE REALLY EVERYTHING I EVER THOUGHT THAT LOVING
♪ SOMEONE COULD BE HERE'S HOPING I'M WRONG
♪ HERE'S HOPING I'M WRONG ♪ HERE'S HOPING I'M WRONG
♪ ♪ ♪
♪
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
♪ ♪
>> STEPHEN: JP SAXE AND JOHN MAYER, EVERYBODY WE'LL BE RIGHT
BACK.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!
THAT'S IT FOR THE LATE SHOW.
HAPPY FOURTH OF JULY JAMES CORDEN IS NEXT, GOODNIGHT.
♪♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )