>> COLLEGE ATHLETES MAY SOON BE
ABLE TO PROFIT FROM THINGS LIKE SIGNINGS, ENDORSEMENTS, AND NEW
MEDIA POSTS.
IF PASSED, THE GOVERNING BOARD WOULD SUSPEND AMATEUR RULES OF
NAME, IMAGE, AND LIKENESS.
AND IT WOULD ALLOW ATHLETES TO ENGAGE IN THIS THIS TYPE OF
ACTIVITY WITHOUT VIOLATING N.C.A.A. RULES.
>> HUDDLE UP.
BRING IT IN, GUYS.
WHEN YOU WALK OUT ON TO THOSE HALLOWED GROUNDS TODAY, THE ONLY
THING YOU SHOULD BE THINKING ABOUT IS DOLLAR-DOLLAR BILLS.
( LAUGHTER ) WHEN YOU ACCUMULATE INCOME, HEED
THESE WORDS: NO ONE-- AND I MEAN NO ONE-- IS EVER HAPPY THAT THEY
BOUGHT A BOAT.
( LAUGHTER ) A BOAT IS A HOLE IN THE WATER
YOU THROW MONEY INTO.
YOU SAY, "HEY, I GOT 25 GRAND TO SPEND."
AND THEN THERE'S REPAIRS, STORAGE FEES, CLEANING,
INSURANCE.
ALL OF A SUDDEN, YOU HAVE TO COME OUT OF RETIREMENT TO
COACH AT A SCHOOL THAT DOESN'T HAVE A LAKE WITHIN 30 MILES.
FATHER.
>> IN THE WORDS OF OUR LORD, RENT THE BOAT!
>> RENT THE BOAT!
( CHEERING ) >> Announcer: IT'S "THE LATE
SHOW" WITH STEPHEN COLBERT.
TONIGHT: THE AGONY OF DA HEAT.
AND THE CAST OF "F9" ANSWERS JUST ONE QUESTION.
PLUS STEPHEN WELCOMES "LORD OF THE RINGS" DOMINIC MONAGHAN AND
BILLY BOYD FEATURING JON BATISTE AND STAY
HUMAN.
AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER FROM NEW
YORK CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: HELLO, JON.
GOOD TO SEE YOU.
YOU'RE LOOKING GOOD.
WHAT'S UP?
IT WOOs O!
WOOO"O.
PLEASE HAVE A SEAT, EVERYBODY.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
WELCOME, WELCOME, "LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, EVERYBODY IN HERE,
OUT THERE, AROUND THE WORLD, TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
AND I-- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
I AM LOVING THE AIR CONDITIONING IN HERE TONIGHT.
( APPLAUSE ) BECAUSE OUT THERE, TODAY RNLG
THE COUNTRY IS EXPERIENCING A WEATHER PHENOMENON THAT
METEOROLOGISTS CALL "SATAN'S STEAMING BALL SACK."
IT'S BEEN PARTICULARLY BAD IN THE PACIFIC NORTHWEST.
YESTERDAY, PORTLAND HIT 116 DEGREES, WHICH I BELIEVE MEANS
PORTLAND IS MEDIUM RARE.
( LAUGHTER ) SAFE TO EAT, THOUGH.
THE HEAT IS SO BAD-- AND THIS IS TRUE-- PORTLAND'S
STREETCAR HAD TO SHUT DOWN AFTER THE EXTREME TEMPERATURES MELTED
ITS POWER CABLES.
PASSENGERS WERE THEN FORCED TO WALK-- WHICH I WILL REMIND YOU
IS ONLY TWICE AS FAST AS RIDING A STREETCAR.
( LAUGHTER ) THE HEAT IS ALSO SHUTTING DOWN
STREETS, BECAUSE IT'S CAUSING THE ROADS TO BUCKLE AND CRACK.
AND, OF COURSE, THE TWO SWEATIEST PARTS OF THE STREET
ARE THE BUCKLE AND THE CRACK.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THE FUNNELS-- THE FUNNELS-- LUCKILY FOR THOSE ROADS, HELP
MAY BE ON THE WAY, BECAUSE AFTER WEEKS OF NEGOTIATIONS, SENATORS
HAVE EMERGED WITH BIPARTISAN INFRASTRUCTURE BILL TO SHORE UP
OUR NATION'S CRUMBLING JOE MANCHIN VOTES.
AND JOE BIDEN IS GOING ON TOUR TO SELL THE DEAL.
I'LL CATCH YOU UP IN TONIGHT'S INSTALLMENT OF MY
UNDER-CONSTRUCTION SEGMENT...
>> THE ROAD TO.... SOMEDAY MAKING A ROAD.
>> OH, SO CLOSE!
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: TODAY, THE PRESIDENT
PROMOTED HIS INFRASTRUCTURE DEAL IN LA CROSSE, WISCONSIN.
TO SELL IT TO WISCONSINITES, HE TOLD THEM HOW THE LEGISLATION
WILL INCREASE JOBS, PREPARE OUR COUNTRY FOR THE FUTURE, AND
IF THOSE DON'T WORK, HE'S GOING TO HAVE THE BILL BATTER FRIED
WITH A SIDE OF MELTED CHEESE.
IN A SPEECH AT A TRANSIT HUB, THE PRESIDENT TROTTED OUT HIS
WORKING MAN BONA FIDES TO THANK A BUS DRIVER WHO INTRODUCED HIM.
>> BACK WHEN I WAS IN LAW SCHOOL, I DROVE A SCHOOL BUS
DURING THE SUMMERS TO PICK UP SPENDING MONEY.
AND FROM ONE BUS DRIVER TO ANOTHER, LORI, I WANT TO THANK
YOU FOR ALL YOU DO TO MAKE THIS CITY RUN.
>> Stephen: THE FACT IS THERE'S NO--
( APPLAUSE ) SPENDING MONEY.
THERE'S NO BLUE-COLLAR JOB I HAVEN'T DONE.
I WAS A BUS DRIVER, JUST SO I COULD GET TO MY JOB AT THE
QUARRY, WHERE I DROVE A STEAMROLLER TO MOONLIGHT AT THE
HAMMER FACTORY AND GOT PAID IN HAM SANDWICHES THAT I'D EAT OUT
OF MY HARD HAT.
COME ON, FOLKS!" ( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) HARD TACK?
DOESN'T MATTER.
BIDEN IS ALSO PUSHING HIS PLAN ON THE WORLDWIDE WEBS.
YESTERDAY, HE PUBLISHED AN OP-ED TITLED, "AMERICANS CAN BE PROUD
OF THE INFRASTRUCTURE DEAL" ON THE ESTEEMED JOURNAL,
YAHOO! NEWS.
( LAUGHTER ) "THAT'S RIGHT, THE GUY BRINGING
YOUR INFRASTRUCTURE TECHNOLOGY INTO THE FUTURE IS STILL USING
YAHOO!
NEXT I'M BRINGIN' YOU G5-- THAT'S GERTRUDE, GLENDA, GRACIE,
AND THEIR GORGEOUS GAMS!
C'MON, JACK!
ASK JEEVES, ALTA VISTA."
IN HIS-- IN HIS-- ( APPLAUSE )
THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
I DO A STRIPTEASE FROM HERE TO HERE.
IN HIS OP-ED, BIDEN SAYS HIS PLAN WILL MAKE PUBLIC
TRANSPORTATION QUICKER, SAFER AND CLEANER.
YOU HEARD THAT, NEW YORK.
JOE BIDEN IS GOING TO MAKE THE SUBWAY SAFER AND CLEANER.
BY 2035, HE PROMISED TO REDUCE PUBLIC MASTURBATOR EMISSIONS BY
50%.
( APPLAUSE ) OH, THERE'S HUGE NEWS ABOUT THE
JANUARY 6 CAPITOL RIOT INVESTIGATION.
WE MAY FINALLY LEARN WHAT WE ALREADY KNOW HAPPENED, BECAUSE
YESTERDAY, SPEAKER NANCY PELOSI INTRODUCED A BILL THAT WILL
CREATE A SELECT COMMITTEE TO PROBE THE JANUARY 6 ATTACK ON
THE CAPITOL.
IT'S "H. R. LET'S GET THE BASTARD WHO STOLE MY PODIUM.
( LAUGHTER ) THIS ANNOUNCEMENT COMES EXACTLY
ONE MONTH AFTER SENATE REPUBLICANS BLOCKED AN EFFORT TO
CREATE AN INDEPENDENT, BIPARTISAN COMMISSION.
WHAT A SURPRISE.
3R-7B BOOING ) >> Stephen: MOST OF YOU WERE A
LITTLE LATE RIGHT THERE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
WHAT A SURPRISE.
ASKING REPUBLICANS TO INVESTIGATE THE CAPITOL RIOT IS
LIKE THE PLOT OF MY FAVORITE BOOK IN MIDDLE SCHOOL, "NANCY
DREW AND THE CASE OF NANCY DREW MURDERED SOMEBODY."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THAT IS, NANCY DREW-- WAIT A SECOND.
THERE WERE NO MURDERS IN NANCY DREW, WAS THERE?
IT WAS ALWAYS THE CASE OF THE STOLEN ROCKET.
IT WASN'T LIKE NANCY DREW AND TE NEIGHBOR WHO WORE YOUR SKIN,
OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT.
( LAUGHTER ) WE MAKE UP SOME OF THE JOKES ON
THIS SHOW.
( LAUGHTER ) THE G.O.P. WILL HAVE SOME SAY,
BECAUSE, UNDER THE BILL, PELOSI WOULD HAVE THE POWER TO APPOINT
EIGHT MEMBERS TO THE PANEL, AND FIVE MEMBERS WOULD BE SELECTED
AFTER CONSULTATION WITH HOUSE MINORITY LEADER KEVIN McCARTHY.
COME ON, WE DON'T NEED HIS INPUT ( BOOING )
THAT WAS A LITTLE BETTER.
( LAUGHTER ) WE DON'T NEED HIS INPUT THIS IS
JUST LIKE TRYING TO PLAN A FAMILY REUNION TO THE GRAND
CANYON, "WE ASKED YOUR OPINION MONTHS AGO, UNCLE KEVIN, AND YOU
SAID BUPKIS!
AND NOW THAT WE'RE ALL IN THE WE'RE NOT STOPPING AT THE CORN
PALACE.
MAYBE WALL DRUG.
INSIDERS SAY McCARTHY IS LIKELY TO SUGGEST LOYAL MAGAHEADS TO
GUM UP THE WORKS OF THE INVESTIGATION.
AND THE CREME DE LA CRAZY ARE ALREADY VOLUNTEERING FOR THE
JOB, LIKE GEORGIA REPRESENTATIVE AND WOMAN--
( AUDIENCE IS REACTS ) >> THAT'S MORE LIKE IT.
GEORGIA REPRESENTATIVE AND WOMAN IN THE MATRIX WHO TOOK ALL THE
PILLS, MARJORIE TAYLOR GREENE, WHO HAS BEEN PUBLICLY PUSHING TO
BE SEATED ON THE PANEL.
I FOR ONE CAN'T WAIT-- ( BOOING )
I FOR ONE CAN'T WAIT UNTIL SHE OFFERS UP HER THEORY THAT THE
HALLS OF CONGRESS WERE ACTUALLY SOILED BY JEWISH POOP LASERS.
( FARTING SOUNDS ) ( APPLAUSE )
GREENE IS NOT ALONE.
FLORIDA REPRESENTATIVE AND ( AUDIENCE REACTS.
WOW.
MATT GAETZ OPENLY EXPRESSED HIS INTEREST.
AS USUAL, HE SHOWED HIS INTEREST BY OFFERING TO GIVE THE
COMMISSION A RIDE HOME FROM BAND PRACTICE.
THERE ARE ALSO A SLEW OF BOOKS COMING OUT TAKING US BEHIND THE
SCENES THAT LED UP TO JANUARY 6.
FOR INSTANCE, MICHAEL WOLFF'S NEW TELL-ALL REVEALS THAT THE
NIGHT BEFORE THE RIOT, RUDY GIULIANI WAS "DRINKING HEAVILY
AND INCOHERENTLY TELLING THE FORMER PRESIDENT THAT PENCE
WOULD OVERTURN THE ELECTION RESULTS."
REALLY?
I FIND IT HARD TO BELIEVE THAT THIS MAN DRINKS HEAVILY
AND TALKS INCOHERENTLY.
WOLFF ALSO WRITES THAT THE PREVIOUS ADMINISTRATION HAD NO
IDEA WHAT A TRAGEDY IT WAS.
IN FACT, FOR THE FIRST 90 MINUTES, IVANKA DISMISSED IT AS
"AN OPTICS ISSUE," AND WAS TELLING EVERYONE HOW HAPPY SHE
WAS THAT HER CHILDREN HAD GOTTEN INTO A PRIVATE SCHOOL IN
FLORIDA.
WELL, THAT'S PRETTY INSENSITIVE.
IT REMINDS ME OF THIS FAMOUS MOMENT:
>> AND IT'S BURSTING INTO FLAMES.
DID I MENTION MY SON GOT INTO HARVARD.
HIS FUTURE IS LIT!
OH, HE'S STUDYING THE HUMANITIES.
THERE HE IS!
CONGRATS, KIDDO!
>> Stephen: ACCORDING TO THE BOOK, HER FATHER WAS ALSO
SURPRISED, TELLING AN AIDE, "THIS LOOKS TERRIBLE.
THIS IS REALLY BAD.
WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
THESE AREN'T OUR PEOPLE, THESE IDIOTS WITH THESE OUTFITS.
THEY LOOK LIKE DEMOCRATS."
OH, YEAH, THE CROWD ON JANUARY 6 DEFINITELY LOOKED LIKE
DEMOCRATS.
WE ALL REMEMBER WHAT BIDEN WORE TO HIS INAUGURATION.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
HE LOOKS GOOD.
HE'S CUT, MAN.
NJTSZ I REMEMBER THAT!
>> Stephen: A 78-YEAR-OLD MAN.
>> Jon: YEAH, A 78-YEAR-OLD MAN PUTTING IT OUT THERE.
>> Stephen: SPEAKING OF THE EX-PRESIDENT'S BUDDIES, NORTH
KOREAN DICTATOR KIM JONG-UN HAS RECENTLY REEMERGED AFTER HAVING
NOT BEEN SEEN IN PUBLIC FOR ALMOST A MONTH.
MY GUESS IS HE WAS HOLED UP WATCHING PARAMOUNT+: A MOUNTAIN
OF ENTERTAINMENT BETWEEN UNCLE MURDERS.
( LAUGHTER ) THE WORLD GOT THEIR FIRST
GLIMPSE IN A WHILE AT THE DEAR LEADER, AND THE MEDIA NOTICED
SOMETHING DIFFERENT: NORTH KOREA'S KIM LOOKS MUCH THINNER!
YES, THAT'S WHAT WE SHOULD ALL BE FOCUSED ON WHEN IT COMES TO
MURDEROUS DICTATORS.
( LAUGHTER ) REMINDS ME OF THAT "PEOPLE"
MAGAZINE COVER FROM THE 7Os: "POL POT IS POL HOT."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THAT SAID, "LET'S A TAKE LOOK AT THE NEW SLIM KIM":
HERE HE IS BEFORE.
AND HERE HE IS AFTER.
YEAH!
HE LOST 30 POUNDS OF UNSIGHTLY HEAD.
BUT TO BE SURE THAT THE DEAR LEADER HAS SLIMMED DOWN,
AND THIS IS TRUE-- INTELLIGENCE ANALYSTS LOOKED
AT MULTIPLE PHOTOS OF KIM WEARING HIS $12,000 SWISS WATCH,
AND NOTICED THAT COMPARED TO A YEAR AGO, THE LENGTH OF THE
STRAP PAST THE BUCKLE WAS LONGER, PROVING HIS WRIST WAS
THINNER.
IT'S ALL PART OF THE NEW DIET PROGRAM: WEIGHT WATCHER'S WATCH
WATCHERS.
( LAUGHTER ) WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT.
MY GUESTS ARE THE ONLY TWO HOBBITS FROM THE "LORD OF THE
RINGS" THAT I'VE NEVER INTERVIEWED, DOMINIC MONAGHAN
AND BILLY BOYD.
BUT WHEN WE RETURN, THE ENTIRE CAST OF THE NEW "FAST AND
FURIOUS" MOVIE ANSWERS QUESTIONS FROM MY STAFF.
IT'S TRUE.
STICK AROUND.
♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!
WELCOME BACK!
JON BATISTE AND STAY HUMAN, EVERYBODY.
♪ ♪ ♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
JON-- MY FRIEND, YOU KNOW WHY-- I'M ALWAYS EXCITED TO DO THE
SHOW.
I'M ALWAYS UP FOR IT.
EVEN IF I'M NOT FEELING WELL, THESE PEOPLE HEAL ME
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) TONIGHT I GET TO FINISH MY
COLLECTION OF THE HOBBITS FROM "LORD OF THE RINGS."
DOMINIC MONAGHAN, BILLY BOYD, MERRY BRANDYBUCK, AND PIPPIN.
HAVE YOU-- HAVE YOU SEEN THOSE MOVIES?
>> Jon: NO, I HAVEN'T SEEN THEM.
>> Stephen: YOU HAVE NOT SEEN THOSE MOVIES?
I KNOW WHAT I'M GETTING YOU FOR CHRISTMAS.
( LAUGHTER ) I'M GETTING YOU THE EXTENDED
CUTS.
WE HAVE TO WATCH THEM TOGETHER.
>> Jon: THAT WOULD BE GREAT.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stephen: I WOULD ABSOLUTELY LOVE IT.
I'M A LITTLE NERVOUS THEY'RE COMING OUT.
>> Jon: YOU KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT IT.
>> Stephen: I DON'T KNOW IF I DO, HERE'S WHY I'M NERVOUS, I
JUST SAW THEM BACKSTAGE, AND THEY TOLD ME THEY HAVE-- THEY
THINK THEY CAN STUMP ME.
>> Jon: OH,.
>> Stephen: WITH "LORD OF THE RINGS" QUESTIONS.
NOW, IT MIGHT BE TRUE.
IT MIGHT BE TRUE THAT THEY CAN STUMP ME, BUT I... I DON'T THINK
SO.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
I DON'T THINK SO.
BUT STICK AROUND, STICK AROUND TO FIND OUT.
THAT'S WORTH A TICKET.
STEK AROUND TO FIND OUT.
I HOPE THEY DON'T ASK ME SOMETHING LIKE, "WHAT DATE, DID
SUCH AND SUCH HAPPEN?" DATES, THAT'S NOT PLOT.
"WHAT DEMOCRATIC WAS THE RING DESTROYED?"
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW THAT?
MARCH 25.
( APPLAUSE ) ANYWAY, STICK AROUND.
FOLKS, SUMMER IS HERE, THE COUNTRY IS RE-OPENING, AND
THERE'S NO BETTER FEELING THAN GOING OUTSIDE ON A SUNNY DAY--
THEN IMMEDIATELY GOING INSIDE A DARK MOVIE THEATER, BECAUSE
AGAIN, IT IS SO HOT OUTSIDE.
AND FOR THE FIRST TIME IN A YEAR, THE SUMMER BLOCKBUSTERS
AR BACK!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THE BIGGEST ONE OF ALL IS
"F9."
THE LATEST "FAST AND FURIOUS" MOVIE WAS RELEASED LAST WEEKEND.
FINALLY-- FINALLY, WE'LL GET ANSWERS TO ALL OF THE BIG
QUESTIONS: WHO IS DOM'S MYSTERIOUS BROTHER?
HAS HAN BEEN ALIVE THIS WHOLE TIME?
AND IS THAT RUMBLING THE CARBURETOR OF A V8 OR JUST VIN
DIESEL CLEARING HIS THROAT?
( LAUGHTER ) I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE WITH
QUESTIONS.
EVERYONE HERE AT "THE LATE SHOW" WISHES THEY COULD ASK THE "FAST
AND FURIOUS" STARS JUST ONE QUESTION.
SO TONIGHT, THEY DO JUST THAT.
THIS IS "THE LATE SHOW'S JUST ONE QUESTION: F9 EDITION."
>> WHAT'S THE MESSAGE OF THE "FAST" MOVIES?
>> IN MY OPINION, IT'S ALWAYS ABOUT FAMILY.
>> FAMILY.
>> THE THEME OF "FAST" MOVIES SEEMS TO BE FAMILY.
>> WE REALLY WANTED TO BRING HOME THE CONCEPT OF FAMILY.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> WHAT'S THE BEST PART OF WORKING ON THESE MOVIES?
>> I WOULD SAY THE QUIET MOMENTS WHERE WE SEE, YOU KNOW, THE
DEEP, EMOTIONAL BOND THAT THESE CHARACTERS FORM, AND TBAN AN
UNDERSTANDING OF THEIR MOTIVES.
AND, ALSO, I LOVE IT WHEN THE CAST OF "FAST" ( BLEEP ) UP.
>> I HAVE A QUESTION KRND WHAT KIND OF OIL SHOULD I USE?
>> IT REALLY DEPENDS ON THE ENGINE.
>> ENGINE?
NO, I'M MAKING BROWNIES.
>> OH, ALL RIGHT, SO YOU'RE GOING TO WANT TO STICK WITH THE
CONVENTIONAL 520 OIL, BUT FOR BLONDIES, A FIVE-30 SYNTHETIC TO
GIVE YOU THAT PEAK PERFORMANCE.
>> I LOVE THAT CLASSIC LINE, "I LIVE MY LIFE A QUARTER MILE AT A
TIME."
BUT I'M BRITISH.
CAN YOU CONVERT THAT TO METRIC.
>> OF COURSE I CAN DO THAT.
LISTEN, IT'S LIVE YOUR LIFE APPROXIMATELY .4 KILOMETERS AT A
TIME.
>> WAIT, WHAT DOES "CHEERS, MATE" MEAN?
>> THAT'S GRATITUDE IN METRIC.
IN IMPERIAL MEASUREMENT THAT CONVERTS TO, "THANKS,s BRO."
>> I'M RUNNING LATE TO WORK.
ANYTHING YOU CAN DO TO HELP?
>> SURE, JUST USE THIS CAN OF NITROUS.
>> WOW, THANKS.
>> JUST DON'T USE IT ALL AT-- >> OH, ( BLEEP ).
>>JUST OUT OF CURIOSITY, WHAT HAPPENS TO ALL THE CARS THAT GET
DAMAGED DURING FILMING?
>> WELL, DEAR, THOSE CARS GET SENT TO LIVE IN A FARM UPSTATE,
AND THEY GET TO DRIVE AROUND WITH THEIR FRIENDS AND HONK
THEIR HORNS AND THEY'RE REALLY HAPPY THERE.
>> OH, THANK GOODNESS.
I WAS SO WORRIED.
>> MAY, CAN MY CAR BE IN THE NEXT MOVIE?
>> DEPENDS WHAT KIND OF CAR YOU'RE DRIVING.
>> A 2001 PT CRUISER, PRETTY COOL, RIGHT?
>> NO, NOT REALLY.
SORRY.
>> IT HAS A SIX-DISK CD CHANGER.
>> THAT'S ( BLEEP ) AWESOME.
YOU'RE IN.
>> WHY DO YOU THINK NEIL AND DELL DON'T GET ALONG AT FIRST?
>> WHAT?
>> WHEN THEY'RE TRYING TO COME HOME FOR THANKSGIVING.
>> I THINK YOU MAY HAVE THE WRONG MOVIE.
>> I'M TALKING ABOUT THE FIRST ONE, "PLANES, TRAINS, AND
AUTOMOBILES."
>> THAT'S NOT PART OF THE "FAST AND FURIOUS" FRANCHISE.
>> ARE YOU SURE?
>> ACTUALLY, NO, I MEAN, 24R-R SO MANY AT THIS POINT.
>> POOR CAT.
QUICK QUESTION: WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE CAR OF ALL TIME?
>> ALWAYS LOVED THE '70 CHEVELLE, FORD GT.
I ABSOLUTELY LOVE THAT CAR.
IT'S AN ICE CREAM TRUCK!
( APPLAUSE ) SPONGEBOB.
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?
IT'S CRAZY.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> WOW, THAT'S CRAZY, TYRESE.
ME, TOO.
>> THAT'S REALLY GOOD.
OH, YOU'RE ( BLEEP ) LOOKING AT ME.
>> I LOVE YOUR MUSIC.
I BET WHEN YOU'RE ON SET YOU SAY LINES FROM YOUR SONG LIKE,
"MOVE, BITCH, GET OUT OF MY WAY!"
>> WHY WOULD YOU ASSUME THAT?
YOU NEED TO GET BACK.
YOU DON'T KNOW ME LIKE THAT.
>> DO YOU EVER DRIVE FAST IN REAL LIFE.
>> NO, NO, I DON'T.
IT'S AGAINST THE LAW.
BUT I DO DRIVE FURIOUS.
YES, I DRIVE SLOW AND FURIOUS.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> JOHN CENA, WHAT WAS IT LIKE JOINING THIS TEAM FOR THE NINTH
MOVIE?
>> I'VE BEEN IN ALL THE MOVIES.
I WAS JUST OFF CAMERA.
I WAS DOING THE SOUND EFFECTS OF THE ENGINE.
>> REALLY?
>> YEAH, I MEAN, CHECK IT OUT ( MOTOR REVVING )
( TIRES SCREECHING ) "HORN HONKING )
>> YOU'RE THE STRONGEST FEATURE IN THE FRANCHISE.
WHAT IS YOUR SECRET TO BULKING UP.
>> YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE HOW SMALL MY TESTICLES ARE.
>> HEY, VIN DIESEL, I LOVE THESE MOVIES.
HUGE FAN.
CAN I GET AIFY HIVE?
OUCH!
THE.
>> OH, SORRY, MY BAD.
♪ ♪ ♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: THANK YOU TO THE CAST OF "F9"!
CHECK IT OUT IN THEATERS NOW.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH DOMINIC MONAGHAN AND BILLY BOYD.
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY
WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW."
>> Stephen: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, BIG MOMENT FOR ME.
YOU KNOW MY GUESTS TONIGHT AS MERRY BRANDYBUCK AND PIPPIN TOOK
IN "THE LORD OF THE RINGS" TRILOGY.
NOW THEY'VE STARTED A NEW PODCAST CALLED "THE FRIENDSHIP
ONION."
PLEASE WELCOME DOMINIC MONAGHAN AND BILLY BOYD!
♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE )
>> ABSOLUTE PLEASURE.
♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: LOVELY TO HAVE YOU GUYS HERE, AS YOU MAY KNOW,
YOU'RE COMPLETING MY HOBT COLLECTION.
>> YES, I LOVE IT.
>> Stephen: I HAVE INTERVIEWED MOST EVERYBODY ELSE.
YOU KNOW, I'M NOT NORMAL.
I'M INCREDIBLY-- I'M INCREDIBLY EXCITED TO-- TO SEE YOU.
NOT THAT OTHER PEOPLE AREN'T EXCITED, BUT I'M-- WHAT I'M
SAYING IS THAT EVERYONE IS EXCITED AS I AM TO SEE TOGETHER.
THAT'S THE THING.
WHEN THEY SEE YOU GUYS TOGETHER, COTHEY GO, "WHAT ARE YOU TWO
DOING TOGETHER?" OR DO THEY GO, "THAT MAKES
SENSE.
>> IT'S A LITTLE KIND OF THE R2 D2 C3 PO THING.
THEY THINK WE COME AS A UNIT AT ALL TIMES.
THEY'RE NOT SURE WHICH ONE IS WHICH.
>> WE GET THAT ALL THE TIME.
>> THE MERRY TYPE THING.
>> Stephen: WHICH ONE IS R2 D2, AND WHEN ONE IS CP30.
>> WHO IS THE MOST HIGHLY STRUNG?
I AM.
I'M CP30.
>> Stephen: WHAT ABOUT SUPER FANS LIKE ME, WHEN THEY SEE YOU
ON THE STREETS, WHAT ARE THEY MOST LIKELY-- WHAT LINE ARE THEY
MOST LIKELY TO YELL AT YOU, "SECOND BREAKFAST?"
>> THAT WAS VERY GOOD, ACTUALLY.
>> Stephen: THANK YOU.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
>> YES, "SECOND BREAKFAST" IS A BIG ONE.
BUT IF WE'RE FEELING GOOD, WHICH WE GENERALLY ARE--
>> GENERALLY, WE'RE HAPPY PEOPLE.
>> WE SOMETIMES LIKE TO DO A LITTLE SONG FOR ME.
>> Stephen: CAN I GUESS WHICH ONE IT IS?
IS I GET-- IS THIS-- IS THIS-- THE GREEN DRAGON SONG.
>> YES.
>> DO YOU WANT TO DO IT?
>> WE HAVE TO COME OUT A LITTLE BIT IF WE'RE GOING TO DO IT.
COME ON, LET'S DO IT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
>> Stephen: NO, NO, YOU DO, PLEASE.
I'LL WATCH.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
>> COME AROUND.
YOU COME IN THE MIDDLE, STEPHEN.
I DON'T KNOW ALL THE WORDS.
ANYONE JOIN IN IF YOU KNOW IT.
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
>> Stephen: WHAT'S "BLESS THIS TOOK?"
>> THAT'S ANOTHER SONG THAT WE DID.
THE -- >> Stephen: THAT'S IN ROHAN.
>> THE ONLY THING...
THAT'S OKAY SONG.
>>ING ARE YOU DRUNK?
>> Stephen: OR-- OR DO YOU NEED TO BE DRUNK TO REMEMBER THE
SONG.
>> THEY ARE BOTH DRINKING SONGS.
YOU KNOW.
YOU'VE READ THE BOOKS A COUPLE OF TIMES, STEPHEN.
>> Stephen: ONCE OR TWICE.
>>THE HOBBITS LIKE TO DRINK.
THEY LIKE TO PARTY.
>> Stephen: THE AMAZON "LORD OF THE RINGS" PREQUEL THEY'RE
DOING FROM THE SECOND AGE.
THERE ARE PEOPLE OUT THERE WITH PETITIONS TO SAYING, "DON'T HAVE
ANY NUDITY.
DON'T HAVE ANY NUDITY.
THE.
THEY'RE AFRAID THEY'RE GOING TO ADULT IT UP A LITTLE BIT--
>> AND HAVE A LITTLE "GAME OF THROWNS."
>> Stephen: HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT THE NUDITY-NONNUDITY THING
IN TOLKIEN?
>> THERE WAS ALMOST NUDITY.
ME AND DOM -- >> Stephen: TRUE STORY?
>> TRUE.
PHILIP, WONDERFUL WRITER, ONE OF THE WRITERS ON --
>> Stephen: AND THE EXPERT.
I DON'T WANT TO GET INTO IT.
>> OKAY.
BUT SHE DID A GAG, AND SHE WROTE A SCENE-- BECAUSE WE'VE BEEN
KIND OF DOING SOME GAGS AND WINDING PEOPLE UP, HAVING A BIT
OF FUN.
AND SHE WROTE A SCENE THAT SHE SAID, "OH, IT'S A NEW SCENE
WE'RE FILMING NEXT WEEK WITH THE ANTS, WITH TREE BEARD.
WHEN MERRY AND PEPIN ARE UP TREE BEARD, HE GETS AFRAID AND SHAKES
HIS BRANCHES WHICH MAKES YOU GUYS FALL.
THIS HAS ALL BEEN PRINTED ON THE SCRIPT.
IT MAKES YOU GUYS FALL, AND AS YOU HIT THE BRANCHES ON THE WAY
DOWN, BY THE TIME YOU HIT THE GROUND, YOU'RE NAKED.
( LAUGHTER ) AND MARY TURNS TO PIPPIN AND
SAYS, "IT'S COLD, ISN'T IT?" ( LAUGHTER )
AND PIPPIN SAYS, "HOLD ME, MARY."
THIS WAS-- SO I CALL UP DON, AND I SAID HAVE YOU SEEN THIS NEW
SCENE?
AND HE'S LIKE, "YEAH, YEAH."
I WAS LIKE, "WE'RE NAKED."
AND HE-- >> WELL, I WAS-- I WAS KIND OF
INTO IT.
BECAUSE I-- ( LAUGHTER )
I HAVE A REALLY FANTASTIC ASS.
( LAUGHTER ) AND I-- NOW IS THE TIME TO GET
IT OUT.
YOU LOOK GREAT WITHOUT ANY CLOTHES ON.
>> Stephen: GL I WANT TO POINT OUT SOMETHING FOR THE PEOPLE OUT
THERE WHO DON'T THINK THERE SHOULD BE ANY NUDITY IN TOLKIEN.
THE HOBBITS GET NUDE IN THE BOOK.
>> IT'S TOM BABOMBADIL.
>> I TOLD YOU THAT.
>> Stephen: IT'S NOT IN THE MOVIE BUT IN THE BOOK, TOM SAYS
TO THEM, LET'S SEE, BA-BA-BA, "s CAST OFF THESE COLD RAGS,
RUN NAKED ON THE GRASS WHILE TOM GOES A-HUNTING.
THE HOBBITS RAN AROUND ON THE GRASS AS HE TOLD THEM THEN LAY
THEM THERE BASKING IN THE SUN WITH DELIGHT."
I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT FROM THE PRUDZ WHO DON'T THINK THERE
SHOULD BE NUDITY IN "LORD OF THE RINGS."
>> WE DON'T THINK ANY NEFARIOUS WENT ON THERE WITH TOM.
>> Stephen: OR WONDERFUL.
OR ANYTHING WONDERFUL.
>> JUST ALL ENJOYING EACH OTHER'S COMPANY AND BODIES.
>> Stephen: AS WELL THEY SHOULD.
AS WELL THEY SHOULD.
WE HAVE TO TAKE A QUICK BREAK, GENTLEMEN.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, DOMINIC AND BILLY WILL TRY TO STUMP ME
WITH "LORD OF THE RINGS" TRIVIA.
STICK AROUND.
♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY.
WE'RE HERE WITH BILLY BOYD AND DOMINIC MONAGHAN.
GENTLEMEN, YOUR PODCAST, WHICH IS "THE FRIENDSHIP ONION."
>YOU'RE SO CLOSE, STEPHEN.
>> Stephen: "THE FRIENDSHIP ONION."
MAY I DO YOUR PODCAST?
>> STEPHEN, WE WOULD LOVE THAT.
>> Stephen: I WOULD LOVE TO DO YOUR PODCAST.
THAT SOUNDS LIKE A VACATION TO ME.
>> PLEASE -- >> Stephen: THE ONE THING I'M
AFRAID OF-- AND I'VE BEEN TOLD THAT YOU'VE GOT SOME QUESTIONS
TONIGHT TO POSSIBLY STUMP ME ABOUT COLLETON "LORD OF THE COLT
RINGS."
LET ME SEE IF I WANT TO DO YOUR PODCAST RIGHT NOW.
>> STEPHEN WE HAVE TWO QUESTIONS WHICH WE WILL ASK YOU, BUT TO
PUT AN ADDED EXTRA PRESSURE ON YOU, THERE IS A PRIZE, AND I
WOULD THINK-- I WOULD SAY THE PRIZE IS PROBABLY PRICELESS,
WOULDN'T YOU?
>> THE PRIZE IS INCREDIBLE, STEPHEN.
>> IT'S IN MY-- IT'S MY POCKET, STEPHEN.
AND WE WILL-- WE WILL KEEP IS SECRET.
WE WILL KEEP IS SAFE.
>> IN YOUR POCKET.
>> IN MY POCKET.
UNLESS YOU GET BOTH QUESTIONS RIGHT.
>> Stephen: OKAY, SO, OKAY.
>> HERE WE GO.
>> Stephen: HIT ME.
>> QUESTION NUMBER ONE, IT'S A TWO-PARTER AND I WANT BOTH
ANSWERS.
OKAY.
READY, STEPHEN, HERE WE GO.
>> Stephen: I'M ACTUALLY NERVOUS, GO AHEAD
( CLEARS THROAT ) >> WHO IS SHELOK'S MOTHER, AND
HOW DID SHE DIE.
>> Stephen: ARE THOSE BOTH QUESTIONS?
>> THAT'S MY QUESTION AND-- >>
>> Stephen: SHELOVDIED BY CONSUMING HERSELF IN HER OWN
WEBS OF DARKNESS.
>> HE'S GOT IT!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Audience: STEPHEN!
STEPHEN!
>> Stephen: IT'S ALL ON YOU NOW.
OH, BOY.
>> HERE WE GO.
>> VERY IMPRESSIVE.
>> AS YOU KNOW, MERRY AND PIPPIN MEET TREE BEARD.
>> Stephen: YES.
>> HE IS AN ENT.
>> Stephen: YES.
>> THE ENTS HAVE A MEETING WITH MARY AND PIPPIN.
>> Stephen: YES.
>> WHICH CALLED AN AN ANT MOOT.
>> Stephen: I'M FAMILIAR.
>> THEY HAVE THIS IN FEIN GONE FOREST, BUT WHERE IN FEIN
GREENFOREST.
>> WAIT A SECOND.
I THINK HE'S GOOSING UP?
>> NO, HE'S NOT.
>> WHERE IS...
>> THE ANT MOOT HELD?
OH!
>> Stephen: QUIET, PLEASE, QUIET.
>> PRICELESS PRIZE!
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: UH...
IT IS...
>> Audience: NEW JERSEY!
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: I DON'T KNOW.
I DON'T KNOW THE NAME-- I DON'T KNOW THE NAME OF IT.
>> ( GASPS )
ARE YOU-- >> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, STUMPED
BY PIPPIN.
>> Stephen: WHAT IS IT?
WHAT'S THE ANSWER, PIPPIN.
>> DERN DINGELL.
>> Stephen: DAMN IT!
WE'LL EDIT THAT OUT, RIGHT?
LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING-- IS IT DERN DINGELL?
AND WE'LL EDIT THAT IN.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YOU ARE ONE OF THE FEW PEOPLE--
YOU'RE ONE OF THE FEW PEOPLE TO EVER STUMP ME.
IT'S A GREAT QUESTION.
>> I'M ACTUALLY-- I'M ACTUALLY SCARED THAT I GOT IT WRONG.
>> Stephen: NO, YOU GOT IT RIGHT.
IT RANG A BELL AS SOON AS YOU SAID IT.
>> SHOULD WE GIVE HIM THE PRIZE ANYWAY?
>> Stephen: WAIT, WAIT, HOW ABOUT THIS.
LET ME SETTLE IT.
I GET THE PRIZE IF YOU CAN ANSWER THIS QUESTION ABOUT MERRY
AND PIPPIN.
>> YOU US GETTING IT RIGHT MEANS YOU GET A PRIZE FROM US.
>> Stephen: IF I GET IT RIGHT AND YOU DON'T.
IF I GET THIS QUESTION RIGHT, BECAUSE I'M NOT ASKING THE
QUESTION.
THIS QUESTION HAS BEEN SENT IN TO US TODAY FROM PETER JACKSON.
JIM.
>> I WANT TO ACTUALLY ASK STEPHEN TO GET INVOLVED IN THIS
BECAUSE WE HAVE TO BASICALLY ANSWER THE QUESTION, WHO KNOWS
MERRY AND PIPPIN BETTER, MERRY AND PIPPIN OR STEPHEN COLBERT?
SO THIS IS BETTER GOING TO DECIDE THINGS.
NOW, THIS QUESTION IS A TWO-PART ANSWER.
I NEED TWO ANSWERS WITHIN THE SAME QUESTION.
SO LET ME ASK THE QUESTION FIRST, AND THEN YOU HAVE FIVE
SECONDS.
VERY LITTLE-KNOWN FACT THAT A HOBBIT INVENTED THE GAME OF
GOLF.
AND THAT MERRY-- AND I WANT TO KNOW, IS MERRY OR PIPPIN
DESCENDED DIRECTLY FROM THE HOBBIT WHO INVENTED GOLF, AND
WHAT THE IS IS THE NAME OF THE HOBBIT WHO INVENT VENTED GOLF.
>> Stephen: PIPPIN, AND HIS NAME IS BULL ROAR TOOK.
( APPLAUSE ) >> DEFINITELY PIPPIN.
>> Stephen: DID YOU KNOW?
IS DID YOU KNOW?
>> I KNEW THAT IT WAS PIPPIN.
BUT I DIDN'T KNOW WHO-- WHO THE HOBBIT WAS THAT INVENTED GOLF.
>> Stephen: LET'S SEE IF I'M RIGHT.
>> OKAY, WRONG.
I'D BE SURPRISED IF STEPHEN GOT THAT RIGHT.
THE NAME OF THE HOBBIT WHO INVENTED GOLF WAS BULL ROARAC
TOOK.
BOTH MERRY AND PIPPIN ARE DESCENDED, DUE TO BRANDYBUCK
WITH EZMERLEDDA.
AND YOU'RE FIRST COUSINS.
YOU KNOW THAT, I'M SURE YOU DO.
ANYWAY, THAT'S-- I THINK I'LL DECLARE STEPHEN THE WINNER
ANYWAY, BECAUSE HE LIKES BEING THE WINNER.
THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
SORRY, SORRY.
>> Stephen: THANK YOU, PETER.
THANK YOU, PETER.
( APPLAUSE ) >> I THINK HE GETS THE PRIZE.
>> HE GOT IT.
>> IT FITZ IN MY POCKET.
ARE YOU READY, STEPHEN?
>> Stephen: SURE,.
>> YOU'RE GOING TO LIKE THIS.
>> Stephen: WAIT, I THINK I KNOW.
IF YOU SAID BOTH OF THEM, I THINK I KNOW WHAT IT IS.
>> A GENUINE PAIR OF MERRY EARS FROM THE MOVIE.
( APPLAUSE ) ( CHEERING )
>> Stephen: ABSOLUTE PLEASURE.
THANK YOU SO MUCH, GENTLEMEN.
WHAT A JOY.
THEIR PODCAST IS "THE FRIENDSHIP ONION."
BILLY BOYD AND DOMINIC MONAGHAN, EVERYBODY!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH COMEDIAN ALI SULTAWN.
♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY,
WELCOME BACK!
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, ORIGINALLY FROM YEMEN, MY NEXT GUEST IS A
STAND-UP COMEDIAN MAKING HIS NETWORK TELEVISION DEBUT.
PLEASE WELCOME ALI SULTAWN.
( APPLAUSE ) ♪ ♪ ♪
>> HELLO!
THANK YOU.
( APPLAUSE ) THANK YOU SO MUCH.
HELLO.
MY NAME IS ALI SULTAWN.
I WAS BORN IN YEMEN.
I WAS RAISED A DEVOUT MUSLIM, AND ONE DAY I ACTUALLY TRIED
BACON.
( LAUGHTER ) AND I FOUND JESUS THAT DAY.
I FOUND THE LORD.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
OUR PEOPLE SAY PSYCHEDELICS EXPAND YOUR MIND.
BACON WAS MY MUSHROOM.
( APPLAUSE ) AS SOON AS I TRIED IT, I SAID,
"WHY AM I ALLOWED NOT A SLICE OF THIS DELICIOUSNESS?"
I THINK IF YOU'RE BORN IN AMERICA, YOU SHOULD BE GRATEFUL.
( APPLAUSE ) ( CHEERING )
YEAH.
YOU HAVE A LOT OF PRIVILEGES, LIKE KNOWING YOUR BIRTH DAY.
IN YEMEN, THEY DON'T KEEP BIRTH RECORDS AND THEY DON'T CELEBRATE
BIRTHDAYS SO YOU JUST HAVE TO TAKE YOUR BEST GUESS.
I FINALLY ASKED MY MOM WHEN I WAS 14-- OR NINE...
( LAUGHTER ) I SAID, "MOM, WHEN WAS I BORN?"
AND SHE SAID, "YOU WERE BORN WHEN WE GOT THE CAT."
( LAUGHTER ) I SAID, "WHEN DID YOU GET THE
CAT?" SHE SAID THAT'S WHEN YOUR UNCLE
GOT DIABETES.
AND THAT'S HOW I LEARNED THAT TIME WAS RELATIVE.
THE RELATIVE IS MY DIABETIC UNCLE.
( APPLAUSE ) THANK YOU.
MY MOTHER RECENTLY GOT MARRIED.
IT'S HER FOURTH MARRIAGE, BECAUSE SHE'S NOT A QUITTER.
AND I SAID, "CONGRATS, MOM.
YOU'RE THE FIRST MUSLUM WOMAN TO HAVE FOUR HUSBANDS.
YOU'RE THE ROSA PARKS OF THE MIDDLE EAST RIGHT NOW.
GO GET THEM."
( APPLAUSE ) MY STEP-DAD HAS BEEN AROUND THE
COUNTRY FOR ABOUT A COUPLE OF YEARS AND HE'S ALREADY, LIKE,
LEARNED SO MUCH.
IN TWO YEARS HE'S LEARNED HOW TO SPEAK ENGLISH.
HE LEARNED HOW TO DRIVE.
AND HOW TO ICE SKATE, FOR SOME REASON.
AND HE'S A NICE GUY.
HE PULLED ME ASIDE, KNOWING THAT I GREW UP WITHOUT A FATHER, AND
HE SAID ALI, I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT YOU ARE MOI SON.
AND I SAID, "NO, THANK YOU.
I AM 30, I THINK."
( LAUGHTER ) ALSO, "ALSO, I TAUGHT YOU HOW TO
SPEAK ENGLISH.
I TAUGHT YOU HOW TO DRIVE.
I USED TO TAKE YOU ICE SKATING.
YOU'RE MY SON."
"GO CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
THE.
I EMIGRATED WHEN I WAS 15, AND WHEN I GOT HERE I HAD TO TAKE
E.S.L. CLASSES AND ONE DAY MY INSTRUCTOR STARTED TALKING ABOUT
THE MIDDLE EAST AND 9/11, AND THEN SHE LOOKED AT ME, THE ONLY
ARAB KID IN THE CLASS, AND SHE SAID, "THEY HATE US BECAUSE
THEY'RE JEALOUS OF OUR FREEDOM."
AND SHE JUST KEPT STARING AND STARING.
AND THAT MADE ME UNCOMFORTABLE.
AND WHEN I'M UNCOMFORTABLE, I LAUGH.
( LAUGHTER ) AND I-- AND I LAUGHED.
BUT I LAUGHED WAY TOO HARD.
( LAUGHTER ) IT DIDN'T LOOK LIKE IT WAS OUT
OF DISCOMFORT.
IT LOOKED LIKE I WAS PLOTTING AGAINST THE UNITED STATES OF
AMERICA.
SHE SAID, "THEY HATE US BECAUSE THEY'RE JEALOUS OF OUR FREEDOM."
AND I WAS LIKE HA-HA-HA!
I DON'T-- I DON'T THINK THAT'S TRUE.
I DON'T THINK THE MIDDLE EAST IS JEALOUS OF AMERICA'S FREEDOM.
BECAUSE I'VE LIVED THERE.
I LIVED IN YEMEN, AND WE HAD THE MOST FREEDOM.
BECAUSE WE DID NOT HAVE AN OPERATING GOVERNMENT.
( LAUGHTER ) YOU COULD DO WHATEVER YOU WANTED
TO.
IT WAS CRAZY.
ONE TIME I WAS ON A BUS AND I SAW A BABY SMOKING A CIGARETTE.
HE MIGHT HAVE EIGHT, AND HE WAS SMOKING SO CASUALLY.
AND I WAS THE ONLY PERSON PANICKING.
I WAS LIKE, "OH, MY GOD, WHY IS HE DRIVING THIS BUS?"
WE'RE GOING TO DIE.
( APPLAUSE ) MY FAVORITE THING ABOUT AMERICA
IS NOT FREEDOM.
IT'S RULES AND REGULATIONS.
( LAUGHTER ) I DON'T WANT TO LIVE IN A PLACE
WHERE AN ACCOUNTANT CAN HAVE A BAZOOKA.
I WANT TO LIVE IN A PLACE WHERE JAYWALKING HAS CONSEQUENCES.
I AM ALI SULTAWN.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
APPRECIATE IT.
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: HE'S HEADLINING "THE
COMEDY FORT" IN FORT COLLINS ON JULY 15, AND YOU CAN FIND
HIM ON TWITTER @ALISULTANCOMEDY.
ALI SULTAWN, EVERYBODY!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
HEY EVERYBODY, THAT'S IT FOR A LATE SHOW."
TUNE IN TOMORROW WHEN MY GUEST WILL BE HARVEY KEITEL.
AND COMEDIAN RANDALL OTIS.
JAMES CORDEN IS NEXT.
GOOD NIGHT.