1 00:00:01,334 --> 00:00:02,669 >> COLLEGE ATHLETES MAY SOON BE 2 00:00:02,736 --> 00:00:07,107 ABLE TO PROFIT FROM THINGS LIKE SIGNINGS, ENDORSEMENTS, AND NEW 3 00:00:07,173 --> 00:00:10,143 MEDIA POSTS. 4 00:00:10,210 --> 00:00:16,116 IF PASSED, THE GOVERNING BOARD WOULD SUSPEND AMATEUR RULES OF 5 00:00:16,182 --> 00:00:17,784 NAME, IMAGE, AND LIKENESS. 6 00:00:17,851 --> 00:00:25,258 AND IT WOULD ALLOW ATHLETES TO ENGAGE IN THIS THIS TYPE OF 7 00:00:25,325 --> 00:00:27,994 ACTIVITY WITHOUT VIOLATING N.C.A.A. RULES. 8 00:00:28,061 --> 00:00:34,134 >> HUDDLE UP. 9 00:00:34,200 --> 00:00:35,769 BRING IT IN, GUYS. 10 00:00:35,835 --> 00:00:41,775 WHEN YOU WALK OUT ON TO THOSE HALLOWED GROUNDS TODAY, THE ONLY 11 00:00:41,841 --> 00:00:46,112 THING YOU SHOULD BE THINKING ABOUT IS DOLLAR-DOLLAR BILLS. 12 00:00:46,179 --> 00:00:53,853 ( LAUGHTER ) WHEN YOU ACCUMULATE INCOME, HEED 13 00:00:53,920 --> 00:00:57,157 THESE WORDS: NO ONE-- AND I MEAN NO ONE-- IS EVER HAPPY THAT THEY 14 00:00:57,223 --> 00:00:58,191 BOUGHT A BOAT. 15 00:00:58,258 --> 00:01:02,629 ( LAUGHTER ) A BOAT IS A HOLE IN THE WATER 16 00:01:02,695 --> 00:01:05,865 YOU THROW MONEY INTO. 17 00:01:05,932 --> 00:01:08,902 YOU SAY, "HEY, I GOT 25 GRAND TO SPEND." 18 00:01:08,968 --> 00:01:10,236 AND THEN THERE'S REPAIRS, STORAGE FEES, CLEANING, 19 00:01:10,303 --> 00:01:11,337 INSURANCE. 20 00:01:11,404 --> 00:01:17,844 ALL OF A SUDDEN, YOU HAVE TO COME OUT OF RETIREMENT TO 21 00:01:17,911 --> 00:01:20,880 COACH AT A SCHOOL THAT DOESN'T HAVE A LAKE WITHIN 30 MILES. 22 00:01:20,947 --> 00:01:21,848 FATHER. 23 00:01:21,915 --> 00:01:23,850 >> IN THE WORDS OF OUR LORD, RENT THE BOAT! 24 00:01:23,917 --> 00:01:26,186 >> RENT THE BOAT! 25 00:01:26,252 --> 00:01:31,391 ( CHEERING ) >> Announcer: IT'S "THE LATE 26 00:01:31,458 --> 00:01:34,194 SHOW" WITH STEPHEN COLBERT. 27 00:01:34,260 --> 00:01:38,198 TONIGHT: THE AGONY OF DA HEAT. 28 00:01:38,264 --> 00:01:41,801 AND THE CAST OF "F9" ANSWERS JUST ONE QUESTION. 29 00:01:41,868 --> 00:01:46,306 PLUS STEPHEN WELCOMES "LORD OF THE RINGS" DOMINIC MONAGHAN AND 30 00:01:46,372 --> 00:01:49,943 BILLY BOYD FEATURING JON BATISTE AND STAY 31 00:01:50,009 --> 00:01:50,677 HUMAN. 32 00:01:51,845 --> 00:01:52,612 AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER FROM NEW 33 00:01:52,679 --> 00:01:54,647 YORK CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT! 34 00:01:54,714 --> 00:02:08,094 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: HELLO, JON. 35 00:02:08,161 --> 00:02:09,062 GOOD TO SEE YOU. 36 00:02:09,128 --> 00:02:10,296 YOU'RE LOOKING GOOD. 37 00:02:10,363 --> 00:02:13,967 WHAT'S UP? 38 00:02:14,033 --> 00:02:16,436 IT WOOs O! 39 00:02:16,503 --> 00:02:25,979 WOOO"O. 40 00:02:26,045 --> 00:02:27,013 PLEASE HAVE A SEAT, EVERYBODY. 41 00:02:27,080 --> 00:02:28,515 THANK YOU SO MUCH. 42 00:02:28,581 --> 00:02:34,754 WELCOME, WELCOME, "LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, EVERYBODY IN HERE, 43 00:02:34,821 --> 00:02:39,492 OUT THERE, AROUND THE WORLD, TO "THE LATE SHOW." 44 00:02:39,559 --> 00:02:40,560 I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. 45 00:02:40,627 --> 00:02:47,400 AND I-- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 46 00:02:47,467 --> 00:02:49,168 I AM LOVING THE AIR CONDITIONING IN HERE TONIGHT. 47 00:02:49,235 --> 00:02:55,208 ( APPLAUSE ) BECAUSE OUT THERE, TODAY RNLG 48 00:02:55,275 --> 00:03:03,550 THE COUNTRY IS EXPERIENCING A WEATHER PHENOMENON THAT 49 00:03:03,616 --> 00:03:05,685 METEOROLOGISTS CALL "SATAN'S STEAMING BALL SACK." 50 00:03:05,752 --> 00:03:07,520 IT'S BEEN PARTICULARLY BAD IN THE PACIFIC NORTHWEST. 51 00:03:07,587 --> 00:03:10,456 YESTERDAY, PORTLAND HIT 116 DEGREES, WHICH I BELIEVE MEANS 52 00:03:10,523 --> 00:03:12,425 PORTLAND IS MEDIUM RARE. 53 00:03:12,492 --> 00:03:14,561 ( LAUGHTER ) SAFE TO EAT, THOUGH. 54 00:03:14,627 --> 00:03:20,066 THE HEAT IS SO BAD-- AND THIS IS TRUE-- PORTLAND'S 55 00:03:20,133 --> 00:03:21,568 STREETCAR HAD TO SHUT DOWN AFTER THE EXTREME TEMPERATURES MELTED 56 00:03:21,634 --> 00:03:25,538 ITS POWER CABLES. 57 00:03:25,605 --> 00:03:28,541 PASSENGERS WERE THEN FORCED TO WALK-- WHICH I WILL REMIND YOU 58 00:03:28,608 --> 00:03:31,444 IS ONLY TWICE AS FAST AS RIDING A STREETCAR. 59 00:03:31,511 --> 00:03:33,546 ( LAUGHTER ) THE HEAT IS ALSO SHUTTING DOWN 60 00:03:33,613 --> 00:03:37,550 STREETS, BECAUSE IT'S CAUSING THE ROADS TO BUCKLE AND CRACK. 61 00:03:37,617 --> 00:03:41,220 AND, OF COURSE, THE TWO SWEATIEST PARTS OF THE STREET 62 00:03:41,287 --> 00:03:43,790 ARE THE BUCKLE AND THE CRACK. 63 00:03:43,856 --> 00:03:45,024 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 64 00:03:45,091 --> 00:03:53,299 THE FUNNELS-- THE FUNNELS-- LUCKILY FOR THOSE ROADS, HELP 65 00:03:53,366 --> 00:04:02,308 MAY BE ON THE WAY, BECAUSE AFTER WEEKS OF NEGOTIATIONS, SENATORS 66 00:04:02,375 --> 00:04:03,710 HAVE EMERGED WITH BIPARTISAN INFRASTRUCTURE BILL TO SHORE UP 67 00:04:03,776 --> 00:04:05,244 OUR NATION'S CRUMBLING JOE MANCHIN VOTES. 68 00:04:05,311 --> 00:04:08,214 AND JOE BIDEN IS GOING ON TOUR TO SELL THE DEAL. 69 00:04:08,281 --> 00:04:09,649 I'LL CATCH YOU UP IN TONIGHT'S INSTALLMENT OF MY 70 00:04:09,716 --> 00:04:13,620 UNDER-CONSTRUCTION SEGMENT... 71 00:04:13,686 --> 00:04:18,625 >> THE ROAD TO.... SOMEDAY MAKING A ROAD. 72 00:04:18,691 --> 00:04:21,260 >> OH, SO CLOSE! 73 00:04:21,327 --> 00:04:23,262 ( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: TODAY, THE PRESIDENT 74 00:04:23,329 --> 00:04:25,632 PROMOTED HIS INFRASTRUCTURE DEAL IN LA CROSSE, WISCONSIN. 75 00:04:25,698 --> 00:04:29,302 TO SELL IT TO WISCONSINITES, HE TOLD THEM HOW THE LEGISLATION 76 00:04:29,369 --> 00:04:35,308 WILL INCREASE JOBS, PREPARE OUR COUNTRY FOR THE FUTURE, AND 77 00:04:35,375 --> 00:04:38,945 IF THOSE DON'T WORK, HE'S GOING TO HAVE THE BILL BATTER FRIED 78 00:04:39,012 --> 00:04:40,146 WITH A SIDE OF MELTED CHEESE. 79 00:04:40,213 --> 00:04:42,515 IN A SPEECH AT A TRANSIT HUB, THE PRESIDENT TROTTED OUT HIS 80 00:04:42,582 --> 00:04:45,618 WORKING MAN BONA FIDES TO THANK A BUS DRIVER WHO INTRODUCED HIM. 81 00:04:45,685 --> 00:04:48,321 >> BACK WHEN I WAS IN LAW SCHOOL, I DROVE A SCHOOL BUS 82 00:04:48,388 --> 00:04:53,292 DURING THE SUMMERS TO PICK UP SPENDING MONEY. 83 00:04:53,359 --> 00:04:55,628 AND FROM ONE BUS DRIVER TO ANOTHER, LORI, I WANT TO THANK 84 00:04:55,695 --> 00:04:59,298 YOU FOR ALL YOU DO TO MAKE THIS CITY RUN. 85 00:04:59,365 --> 00:05:04,103 >> Stephen: THE FACT IS THERE'S NO-- 86 00:05:04,170 --> 00:05:07,440 ( APPLAUSE ) SPENDING MONEY. 87 00:05:07,507 --> 00:05:08,941 THERE'S NO BLUE-COLLAR JOB I HAVEN'T DONE. 88 00:05:09,008 --> 00:05:10,677 I WAS A BUS DRIVER, JUST SO I COULD GET TO MY JOB AT THE 89 00:05:10,743 --> 00:05:12,679 QUARRY, WHERE I DROVE A STEAMROLLER TO MOONLIGHT AT THE 90 00:05:12,745 --> 00:05:15,114 HAMMER FACTORY AND GOT PAID IN HAM SANDWICHES THAT I'D EAT OUT 91 00:05:15,181 --> 00:05:17,316 OF MY HARD HAT. 92 00:05:17,383 --> 00:05:21,621 COME ON, FOLKS!" ( LAUGHTER ) 93 00:05:21,688 --> 00:05:24,457 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) HARD TACK? 94 00:05:24,524 --> 00:05:27,193 DOESN'T MATTER. 95 00:05:27,260 --> 00:05:29,295 BIDEN IS ALSO PUSHING HIS PLAN ON THE WORLDWIDE WEBS. 96 00:05:29,362 --> 00:05:35,301 YESTERDAY, HE PUBLISHED AN OP-ED TITLED, "AMERICANS CAN BE PROUD 97 00:05:35,368 --> 00:05:37,637 OF THE INFRASTRUCTURE DEAL" ON THE ESTEEMED JOURNAL, 98 00:05:37,704 --> 00:05:39,839 YAHOO! NEWS. 99 00:05:39,906 --> 00:05:42,442 ( LAUGHTER ) "THAT'S RIGHT, THE GUY BRINGING 100 00:05:42,508 --> 00:05:45,611 YOUR INFRASTRUCTURE TECHNOLOGY INTO THE FUTURE IS STILL USING 101 00:05:45,678 --> 00:05:51,951 YAHOO! 102 00:05:52,018 --> 00:05:53,152 NEXT I'M BRINGIN' YOU G5-- THAT'S GERTRUDE, GLENDA, GRACIE, 103 00:05:53,219 --> 00:05:53,653 AND THEIR GORGEOUS GAMS! 104 00:05:53,720 --> 00:05:56,489 C'MON, JACK! 105 00:05:56,556 --> 00:05:57,690 ASK JEEVES, ALTA VISTA." 106 00:05:57,757 --> 00:05:59,859 IN HIS-- IN HIS-- ( APPLAUSE ) 107 00:05:59,926 --> 00:06:01,027 THANK YOU, THANK YOU. 108 00:06:01,094 --> 00:06:05,465 I DO A STRIPTEASE FROM HERE TO HERE. 109 00:06:05,531 --> 00:06:06,999 IN HIS OP-ED, BIDEN SAYS HIS PLAN WILL MAKE PUBLIC 110 00:06:07,066 --> 00:06:13,706 TRANSPORTATION QUICKER, SAFER AND CLEANER. 111 00:06:13,773 --> 00:06:14,841 YOU HEARD THAT, NEW YORK. 112 00:06:14,907 --> 00:06:21,647 JOE BIDEN IS GOING TO MAKE THE SUBWAY SAFER AND CLEANER. 113 00:06:21,714 --> 00:06:27,987 BY 2035, HE PROMISED TO REDUCE PUBLIC MASTURBATOR EMISSIONS BY 114 00:06:28,054 --> 00:06:29,388 50%. 115 00:06:29,455 --> 00:06:32,692 ( APPLAUSE ) OH, THERE'S HUGE NEWS ABOUT THE 116 00:06:32,759 --> 00:06:37,697 JANUARY 6 CAPITOL RIOT INVESTIGATION. 117 00:06:37,764 --> 00:06:39,599 WE MAY FINALLY LEARN WHAT WE ALREADY KNOW HAPPENED, BECAUSE 118 00:06:39,665 --> 00:06:42,702 YESTERDAY, SPEAKER NANCY PELOSI INTRODUCED A BILL THAT WILL 119 00:06:42,769 --> 00:06:45,538 CREATE A SELECT COMMITTEE TO PROBE THE JANUARY 6 ATTACK ON 120 00:06:45,605 --> 00:06:46,639 THE CAPITOL. 121 00:06:46,706 --> 00:06:49,776 IT'S "H. R. LET'S GET THE BASTARD WHO STOLE MY PODIUM. 122 00:06:49,842 --> 00:06:53,479 ( LAUGHTER ) THIS ANNOUNCEMENT COMES EXACTLY 123 00:06:53,546 --> 00:06:57,183 ONE MONTH AFTER SENATE REPUBLICANS BLOCKED AN EFFORT TO 124 00:06:57,250 --> 00:06:59,452 CREATE AN INDEPENDENT, BIPARTISAN COMMISSION. 125 00:06:59,519 --> 00:07:01,754 WHAT A SURPRISE. 126 00:07:01,821 --> 00:07:05,291 3R-7B BOOING ) >> Stephen: MOST OF YOU WERE A 127 00:07:05,358 --> 00:07:06,225 LITTLE LATE RIGHT THERE. 128 00:07:06,292 --> 00:07:09,796 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 129 00:07:09,862 --> 00:07:10,897 WHAT A SURPRISE. 130 00:07:10,963 --> 00:07:13,766 ASKING REPUBLICANS TO INVESTIGATE THE CAPITOL RIOT IS 131 00:07:13,833 --> 00:07:15,701 LIKE THE PLOT OF MY FAVORITE BOOK IN MIDDLE SCHOOL, "NANCY 132 00:07:15,768 --> 00:07:18,237 DREW AND THE CASE OF NANCY DREW MURDERED SOMEBODY." 133 00:07:18,304 --> 00:07:20,540 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 134 00:07:20,606 --> 00:07:25,211 THAT IS, NANCY DREW-- WAIT A SECOND. 135 00:07:25,278 --> 00:07:27,613 THERE WERE NO MURDERS IN NANCY DREW, WAS THERE? 136 00:07:27,680 --> 00:07:30,750 IT WAS ALWAYS THE CASE OF THE STOLEN ROCKET. 137 00:07:30,817 --> 00:07:36,522 IT WASN'T LIKE NANCY DREW AND TE NEIGHBOR WHO WORE YOUR SKIN, 138 00:07:36,589 --> 00:07:37,590 OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT. 139 00:07:37,657 --> 00:07:40,026 ( LAUGHTER ) WE MAKE UP SOME OF THE JOKES ON 140 00:07:40,092 --> 00:07:41,460 THIS SHOW. 141 00:07:41,527 --> 00:07:44,497 ( LAUGHTER ) THE G.O.P. WILL HAVE SOME SAY, 142 00:07:44,564 --> 00:07:47,600 BECAUSE, UNDER THE BILL, PELOSI WOULD HAVE THE POWER TO APPOINT 143 00:07:47,667 --> 00:07:51,137 EIGHT MEMBERS TO THE PANEL, AND FIVE MEMBERS WOULD BE SELECTED 144 00:07:51,204 --> 00:07:53,539 AFTER CONSULTATION WITH HOUSE MINORITY LEADER KEVIN McCARTHY. 145 00:07:53,606 --> 00:07:57,510 COME ON, WE DON'T NEED HIS INPUT ( BOOING ) 146 00:07:57,577 --> 00:07:58,678 THAT WAS A LITTLE BETTER. 147 00:07:58,744 --> 00:08:01,814 THAT WAS A LITTLE BETTER. 148 00:08:01,881 --> 00:08:05,051 ( LAUGHTER ) WE DON'T NEED HIS INPUT THIS IS 149 00:08:05,117 --> 00:08:10,489 JUST LIKE TRYING TO PLAN A FAMILY REUNION TO THE GRAND 150 00:08:10,556 --> 00:08:12,859 CANYON, "WE ASKED YOUR OPINION MONTHS AGO, UNCLE KEVIN, AND YOU 151 00:08:12,925 --> 00:08:14,060 SAID BUPKIS! 152 00:08:14,126 --> 00:08:21,834 AND NOW THAT WE'RE ALL IN THE WE'RE NOT STOPPING AT THE CORN 153 00:08:21,901 --> 00:08:23,536 PALACE. 154 00:08:23,603 --> 00:08:29,542 MAYBE WALL DRUG. 155 00:08:29,609 --> 00:08:31,310 INSIDERS SAY McCARTHY IS LIKELY TO SUGGEST LOYAL MAGAHEADS TO 156 00:08:31,377 --> 00:08:33,112 GUM UP THE WORKS OF THE INVESTIGATION. 157 00:08:33,179 --> 00:08:35,514 AND THE CREME DE LA CRAZY ARE ALREADY VOLUNTEERING FOR THE 158 00:08:35,581 --> 00:08:40,820 JOB, LIKE GEORGIA REPRESENTATIVE AND WOMAN-- 159 00:08:40,887 --> 00:08:47,526 ( AUDIENCE IS REACTS ) >> THAT'S MORE LIKE IT. 160 00:08:47,593 --> 00:08:51,197 GEORGIA REPRESENTATIVE AND WOMAN IN THE MATRIX WHO TOOK ALL THE 161 00:08:51,264 --> 00:08:53,599 PILLS, MARJORIE TAYLOR GREENE, WHO HAS BEEN PUBLICLY PUSHING TO 162 00:08:53,666 --> 00:08:54,967 BE SEATED ON THE PANEL. 163 00:08:55,034 --> 00:09:00,406 I FOR ONE CAN'T WAIT-- ( BOOING ) 164 00:09:00,473 --> 00:09:03,376 I FOR ONE CAN'T WAIT UNTIL SHE OFFERS UP HER THEORY THAT THE 165 00:09:03,442 --> 00:09:09,916 HALLS OF CONGRESS WERE ACTUALLY SOILED BY JEWISH POOP LASERS. 166 00:09:09,982 --> 00:09:13,986 ( FARTING SOUNDS ) ( APPLAUSE ) 167 00:09:14,053 --> 00:09:17,590 GREENE IS NOT ALONE. 168 00:09:17,657 --> 00:09:23,596 FLORIDA REPRESENTATIVE AND ( AUDIENCE REACTS. 169 00:09:23,663 --> 00:09:25,898 WOW. 170 00:09:25,965 --> 00:09:33,472 MATT GAETZ OPENLY EXPRESSED HIS INTEREST. 171 00:09:33,539 --> 00:09:35,541 AS USUAL, HE SHOWED HIS INTEREST BY OFFERING TO GIVE THE 172 00:09:35,608 --> 00:09:37,710 COMMISSION A RIDE HOME FROM BAND PRACTICE. 173 00:09:37,777 --> 00:09:41,881 THERE ARE ALSO A SLEW OF BOOKS COMING OUT TAKING US BEHIND THE 174 00:09:41,948 --> 00:09:45,451 SCENES THAT LED UP TO JANUARY 6. 175 00:09:45,518 --> 00:09:47,386 FOR INSTANCE, MICHAEL WOLFF'S NEW TELL-ALL REVEALS THAT THE 176 00:09:47,453 --> 00:09:49,956 NIGHT BEFORE THE RIOT, RUDY GIULIANI WAS "DRINKING HEAVILY 177 00:09:50,022 --> 00:09:52,391 AND INCOHERENTLY TELLING THE FORMER PRESIDENT THAT PENCE 178 00:09:52,458 --> 00:09:57,964 WOULD OVERTURN THE ELECTION RESULTS." 179 00:09:58,030 --> 00:09:59,665 REALLY? 180 00:09:59,732 --> 00:10:02,368 I FIND IT HARD TO BELIEVE THAT THIS MAN DRINKS HEAVILY 181 00:10:02,435 --> 00:10:03,836 AND TALKS INCOHERENTLY. 182 00:10:03,903 --> 00:10:06,105 WOLFF ALSO WRITES THAT THE PREVIOUS ADMINISTRATION HAD NO 183 00:10:06,172 --> 00:10:08,107 IDEA WHAT A TRAGEDY IT WAS. 184 00:10:08,174 --> 00:10:10,376 IN FACT, FOR THE FIRST 90 MINUTES, IVANKA DISMISSED IT AS 185 00:10:10,443 --> 00:10:13,946 "AN OPTICS ISSUE," AND WAS TELLING EVERYONE HOW HAPPY SHE 186 00:10:14,013 --> 00:10:17,650 WAS THAT HER CHILDREN HAD GOTTEN INTO A PRIVATE SCHOOL IN 187 00:10:17,717 --> 00:10:21,954 FLORIDA. 188 00:10:22,021 --> 00:10:22,755 WELL, THAT'S PRETTY INSENSITIVE. 189 00:10:22,822 --> 00:10:23,622 IT REMINDS ME OF THIS FAMOUS MOMENT: 190 00:10:23,689 --> 00:10:24,991 >> AND IT'S BURSTING INTO FLAMES. 191 00:10:25,057 --> 00:10:26,058 DID I MENTION MY SON GOT INTO HARVARD. 192 00:10:26,125 --> 00:10:28,894 HIS FUTURE IS LIT! 193 00:10:28,961 --> 00:10:30,696 OH, HE'S STUDYING THE HUMANITIES. 194 00:10:30,763 --> 00:10:34,867 THERE HE IS! 195 00:10:34,934 --> 00:10:36,569 CONGRATS, KIDDO! 196 00:10:36,635 --> 00:10:38,871 >> Stephen: ACCORDING TO THE BOOK, HER FATHER WAS ALSO 197 00:10:38,938 --> 00:10:41,340 SURPRISED, TELLING AN AIDE, "THIS LOOKS TERRIBLE. 198 00:10:41,407 --> 00:10:42,575 THIS IS REALLY BAD. 199 00:10:42,641 --> 00:10:44,143 WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE? 200 00:10:44,210 --> 00:10:46,846 THESE AREN'T OUR PEOPLE, THESE IDIOTS WITH THESE OUTFITS. 201 00:10:46,912 --> 00:10:50,683 THEY LOOK LIKE DEMOCRATS." 202 00:10:50,750 --> 00:10:52,018 OH, YEAH, THE CROWD ON JANUARY 6 DEFINITELY LOOKED LIKE 203 00:10:52,084 --> 00:10:53,085 DEMOCRATS. 204 00:10:53,152 --> 00:10:56,389 WE ALL REMEMBER WHAT BIDEN WORE TO HIS INAUGURATION. 205 00:10:56,455 --> 00:10:58,491 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 206 00:10:58,557 --> 00:10:59,058 HE LOOKS GOOD. 207 00:10:59,125 --> 00:11:00,259 HE'S CUT, MAN. 208 00:11:00,326 --> 00:11:01,193 NJTSZ I REMEMBER THAT! 209 00:11:01,260 --> 00:11:02,895 >> Stephen: A 78-YEAR-OLD MAN. 210 00:11:02,962 --> 00:11:10,036 >> Jon: YEAH, A 78-YEAR-OLD MAN PUTTING IT OUT THERE. 211 00:11:10,102 --> 00:11:11,337 >> Stephen: SPEAKING OF THE EX-PRESIDENT'S BUDDIES, NORTH 212 00:11:11,404 --> 00:11:14,907 KOREAN DICTATOR KIM JONG-UN HAS RECENTLY REEMERGED AFTER HAVING 213 00:11:14,974 --> 00:11:18,644 NOT BEEN SEEN IN PUBLIC FOR ALMOST A MONTH. 214 00:11:18,711 --> 00:11:21,847 MY GUESS IS HE WAS HOLED UP WATCHING PARAMOUNT+: A MOUNTAIN 215 00:11:21,914 --> 00:11:24,617 OF ENTERTAINMENT BETWEEN UNCLE MURDERS. 216 00:11:24,683 --> 00:11:26,919 ( LAUGHTER ) THE WORLD GOT THEIR FIRST 217 00:11:26,986 --> 00:11:30,623 GLIMPSE IN A WHILE AT THE DEAR LEADER, AND THE MEDIA NOTICED 218 00:11:30,689 --> 00:11:34,260 SOMETHING DIFFERENT: NORTH KOREA'S KIM LOOKS MUCH THINNER! 219 00:11:34,326 --> 00:11:35,461 YES, THAT'S WHAT WE SHOULD ALL BE FOCUSED ON WHEN IT COMES TO 220 00:11:35,528 --> 00:11:38,464 MURDEROUS DICTATORS. 221 00:11:38,531 --> 00:11:40,232 ( LAUGHTER ) REMINDS ME OF THAT "PEOPLE" 222 00:11:40,299 --> 00:11:43,202 MAGAZINE COVER FROM THE 7Os: "POL POT IS POL HOT." 223 00:11:43,269 --> 00:11:54,713 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 224 00:11:54,780 --> 00:11:58,317 THAT SAID, "LET'S A TAKE LOOK AT THE NEW SLIM KIM": 225 00:11:58,384 --> 00:11:58,984 HERE HE IS BEFORE. 226 00:11:59,051 --> 00:12:00,686 AND HERE HE IS AFTER. 227 00:12:00,753 --> 00:12:01,754 YEAH! 228 00:12:01,821 --> 00:12:04,857 HE LOST 30 POUNDS OF UNSIGHTLY HEAD. 229 00:12:04,924 --> 00:12:07,293 BUT TO BE SURE THAT THE DEAR LEADER HAS SLIMMED DOWN, 230 00:12:07,359 --> 00:12:11,063 AND THIS IS TRUE-- INTELLIGENCE ANALYSTS LOOKED 231 00:12:11,130 --> 00:12:17,436 AT MULTIPLE PHOTOS OF KIM WEARING HIS $12,000 SWISS WATCH, 232 00:12:17,503 --> 00:12:19,271 AND NOTICED THAT COMPARED TO A YEAR AGO, THE LENGTH OF THE 233 00:12:19,338 --> 00:12:22,508 STRAP PAST THE BUCKLE WAS LONGER, PROVING HIS WRIST WAS 234 00:12:22,575 --> 00:12:23,742 THINNER. 235 00:12:23,809 --> 00:12:24,810 IT'S ALL PART OF THE NEW DIET PROGRAM: WEIGHT WATCHER'S WATCH 236 00:12:24,877 --> 00:12:26,979 WATCHERS. 237 00:12:27,046 --> 00:12:32,384 ( LAUGHTER ) WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU 238 00:12:32,451 --> 00:12:33,519 TONIGHT. 239 00:12:33,586 --> 00:12:34,687 MY GUESTS ARE THE ONLY TWO HOBBITS FROM THE "LORD OF THE 240 00:12:34,753 --> 00:12:36,388 RINGS" THAT I'VE NEVER INTERVIEWED, DOMINIC MONAGHAN 241 00:12:36,455 --> 00:12:37,990 AND BILLY BOYD. 242 00:12:38,057 --> 00:12:41,360 BUT WHEN WE RETURN, THE ENTIRE CAST OF THE NEW "FAST AND 243 00:12:41,427 --> 00:12:45,197 FURIOUS" MOVIE ANSWERS QUESTIONS FROM MY STAFF. 244 00:12:45,264 --> 00:12:45,898 IT'S TRUE. 245 00:12:45,965 --> 00:12:46,565 STICK AROUND. 246 00:12:46,632 --> 00:12:47,233 ♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE ) 247 00:13:13,459 --> 00:13:20,733 ♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE ) 248 00:13:20,799 --> 00:13:21,300 >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY! 249 00:13:21,367 --> 00:13:22,768 WELCOME BACK! 250 00:13:22,835 --> 00:13:27,239 JON BATISTE AND STAY HUMAN, EVERYBODY. 251 00:13:27,306 --> 00:13:32,411 ♪ ♪ ♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 252 00:13:32,478 --> 00:13:40,152 JON-- MY FRIEND, YOU KNOW WHY-- I'M ALWAYS EXCITED TO DO THE 253 00:13:40,219 --> 00:13:40,686 SHOW. 254 00:13:40,753 --> 00:13:42,454 I'M ALWAYS UP FOR IT. 255 00:13:42,521 --> 00:13:47,626 EVEN IF I'M NOT FEELING WELL, THESE PEOPLE HEAL ME 256 00:13:47,693 --> 00:13:52,765 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) TONIGHT I GET TO FINISH MY 257 00:13:52,831 --> 00:13:55,601 COLLECTION OF THE HOBBITS FROM "LORD OF THE RINGS." 258 00:13:55,668 --> 00:14:01,540 DOMINIC MONAGHAN, BILLY BOYD, MERRY BRANDYBUCK, AND PIPPIN. 259 00:14:01,607 --> 00:14:04,910 HAVE YOU-- HAVE YOU SEEN THOSE MOVIES? 260 00:14:04,977 --> 00:14:06,312 >> Jon: NO, I HAVEN'T SEEN THEM. 261 00:14:06,378 --> 00:14:07,646 >> Stephen: YOU HAVE NOT SEEN THOSE MOVIES? 262 00:14:07,713 --> 00:14:11,116 I KNOW WHAT I'M GETTING YOU FOR CHRISTMAS. 263 00:14:11,183 --> 00:14:13,018 ( LAUGHTER ) I'M GETTING YOU THE EXTENDED 264 00:14:13,085 --> 00:14:13,719 CUTS. 265 00:14:13,786 --> 00:14:15,187 WE HAVE TO WATCH THEM TOGETHER. 266 00:14:15,254 --> 00:14:16,288 >> Jon: THAT WOULD BE GREAT. 267 00:14:16,355 --> 00:14:17,122 ( LAUGHTER ). 268 00:14:17,189 --> 00:14:18,357 >> Stephen: I WOULD ABSOLUTELY LOVE IT. 269 00:14:18,424 --> 00:14:20,659 I'M A LITTLE NERVOUS THEY'RE COMING OUT. 270 00:14:20,726 --> 00:14:23,062 >> Jon: YOU KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT IT. 271 00:14:23,128 --> 00:14:26,732 >> Stephen: I DON'T KNOW IF I DO, HERE'S WHY I'M NERVOUS, I 272 00:14:26,799 --> 00:14:29,668 JUST SAW THEM BACKSTAGE, AND THEY TOLD ME THEY HAVE-- THEY 273 00:14:29,735 --> 00:14:30,803 THINK THEY CAN STUMP ME. 274 00:14:30,869 --> 00:14:32,871 >> Jon: OH,. 275 00:14:32,938 --> 00:14:34,039 >> Stephen: WITH "LORD OF THE RINGS" QUESTIONS. 276 00:14:34,106 --> 00:14:35,441 NOW, IT MIGHT BE TRUE. 277 00:14:35,507 --> 00:14:40,512 IT MIGHT BE TRUE THAT THEY CAN STUMP ME, BUT I... I DON'T THINK 278 00:14:40,579 --> 00:14:42,615 SO. 279 00:14:42,681 --> 00:14:43,515 ( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 280 00:14:43,582 --> 00:14:46,185 I DON'T THINK SO. 281 00:14:46,252 --> 00:14:48,554 BUT STICK AROUND, STICK AROUND TO FIND OUT. 282 00:14:48,621 --> 00:14:49,722 THAT'S WORTH A TICKET. 283 00:14:49,788 --> 00:14:52,725 STEK AROUND TO FIND OUT. 284 00:14:52,791 --> 00:14:55,794 I HOPE THEY DON'T ASK ME SOMETHING LIKE, "WHAT DATE, DID 285 00:14:55,861 --> 00:14:59,732 SUCH AND SUCH HAPPEN?" DATES, THAT'S NOT PLOT. 286 00:14:59,798 --> 00:15:01,200 "WHAT DEMOCRATIC WAS THE RING DESTROYED?" 287 00:15:01,267 --> 00:15:02,935 HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW THAT? 288 00:15:03,002 --> 00:15:05,104 MARCH 25. 289 00:15:05,170 --> 00:15:10,542 ( APPLAUSE ) ANYWAY, STICK AROUND. 290 00:15:10,609 --> 00:15:13,379 FOLKS, SUMMER IS HERE, THE COUNTRY IS RE-OPENING, AND 291 00:15:13,445 --> 00:15:15,714 THERE'S NO BETTER FEELING THAN GOING OUTSIDE ON A SUNNY DAY-- 292 00:15:15,781 --> 00:15:16,849 THEN IMMEDIATELY GOING INSIDE A DARK MOVIE THEATER, BECAUSE 293 00:15:16,915 --> 00:15:19,718 AGAIN, IT IS SO HOT OUTSIDE. 294 00:15:19,785 --> 00:15:20,886 AND FOR THE FIRST TIME IN A YEAR, THE SUMMER BLOCKBUSTERS 295 00:15:20,953 --> 00:15:22,621 AR BACK! 296 00:15:22,688 --> 00:15:24,890 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THE BIGGEST ONE OF ALL IS 297 00:15:24,957 --> 00:15:26,358 "F9." 298 00:15:26,425 --> 00:15:30,863 THE LATEST "FAST AND FURIOUS" MOVIE WAS RELEASED LAST WEEKEND. 299 00:15:30,929 --> 00:15:32,364 FINALLY-- FINALLY, WE'LL GET ANSWERS TO ALL OF THE BIG 300 00:15:32,431 --> 00:15:34,400 QUESTIONS: WHO IS DOM'S MYSTERIOUS BROTHER? 301 00:15:34,466 --> 00:15:38,370 HAS HAN BEEN ALIVE THIS WHOLE TIME? 302 00:15:38,437 --> 00:15:41,907 AND IS THAT RUMBLING THE CARBURETOR OF A V8 OR JUST VIN 303 00:15:41,974 --> 00:15:42,841 DIESEL CLEARING HIS THROAT? 304 00:15:42,908 --> 00:15:44,343 ( LAUGHTER ) I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE WITH 305 00:15:44,410 --> 00:15:46,412 QUESTIONS. 306 00:15:46,478 --> 00:15:47,680 EVERYONE HERE AT "THE LATE SHOW" WISHES THEY COULD ASK THE "FAST 307 00:15:47,746 --> 00:15:50,416 AND FURIOUS" STARS JUST ONE QUESTION. 308 00:15:50,482 --> 00:15:53,719 SO TONIGHT, THEY DO JUST THAT. 309 00:15:53,786 --> 00:16:06,265 THIS IS "THE LATE SHOW'S JUST ONE QUESTION: F9 EDITION." 310 00:16:06,332 --> 00:16:08,901 >> WHAT'S THE MESSAGE OF THE "FAST" MOVIES? 311 00:16:08,967 --> 00:16:11,570 >> IN MY OPINION, IT'S ALWAYS ABOUT FAMILY. 312 00:16:11,637 --> 00:16:12,604 >> FAMILY. 313 00:16:12,671 --> 00:16:16,442 >> THE THEME OF "FAST" MOVIES SEEMS TO BE FAMILY. 314 00:16:16,508 --> 00:16:20,946 >> WE REALLY WANTED TO BRING HOME THE CONCEPT OF FAMILY. 315 00:16:21,013 --> 00:16:21,980 ( LAUGHTER ). 316 00:16:22,047 --> 00:16:23,582 >> WHAT'S THE BEST PART OF WORKING ON THESE MOVIES? 317 00:16:23,649 --> 00:16:27,986 >> I WOULD SAY THE QUIET MOMENTS WHERE WE SEE, YOU KNOW, THE 318 00:16:28,053 --> 00:16:31,557 DEEP, EMOTIONAL BOND THAT THESE CHARACTERS FORM, AND TBAN AN 319 00:16:31,623 --> 00:16:34,059 UNDERSTANDING OF THEIR MOTIVES. 320 00:16:34,126 --> 00:16:41,934 AND, ALSO, I LOVE IT WHEN THE CAST OF "FAST" ( BLEEP ) UP. 321 00:16:42,000 --> 00:16:46,004 >> I HAVE A QUESTION KRND WHAT KIND OF OIL SHOULD I USE? 322 00:16:46,071 --> 00:16:48,040 >> IT REALLY DEPENDS ON THE ENGINE. 323 00:16:48,107 --> 00:16:48,907 >> ENGINE? 324 00:16:48,974 --> 00:16:50,442 NO, I'M MAKING BROWNIES. 325 00:16:50,509 --> 00:16:55,047 >> OH, ALL RIGHT, SO YOU'RE GOING TO WANT TO STICK WITH THE 326 00:16:55,114 --> 00:16:59,685 CONVENTIONAL 520 OIL, BUT FOR BLONDIES, A FIVE-30 SYNTHETIC TO 327 00:16:59,752 --> 00:17:01,887 GIVE YOU THAT PEAK PERFORMANCE. 328 00:17:01,954 --> 00:17:06,558 >> I LOVE THAT CLASSIC LINE, "I LIVE MY LIFE A QUARTER MILE AT A 329 00:17:06,625 --> 00:17:06,992 TIME." 330 00:17:07,059 --> 00:17:07,826 BUT I'M BRITISH. 331 00:17:07,893 --> 00:17:09,795 CAN YOU CONVERT THAT TO METRIC. 332 00:17:09,862 --> 00:17:11,797 >> OF COURSE I CAN DO THAT. 333 00:17:11,864 --> 00:17:15,868 LISTEN, IT'S LIVE YOUR LIFE APPROXIMATELY .4 KILOMETERS AT A 334 00:17:15,934 --> 00:17:16,735 TIME. 335 00:17:16,802 --> 00:17:18,704 >> WAIT, WHAT DOES "CHEERS, MATE" MEAN? 336 00:17:18,771 --> 00:17:23,075 >> THAT'S GRATITUDE IN METRIC. 337 00:17:23,142 --> 00:17:27,513 IN IMPERIAL MEASUREMENT THAT CONVERTS TO, "THANKS,s BRO." 338 00:17:27,579 --> 00:17:28,947 >> I'M RUNNING LATE TO WORK. 339 00:17:29,014 --> 00:17:30,716 ANYTHING YOU CAN DO TO HELP? 340 00:17:30,783 --> 00:17:33,585 >> SURE, JUST USE THIS CAN OF NITROUS. 341 00:17:33,652 --> 00:17:35,087 >> WOW, THANKS. 342 00:17:35,154 --> 00:17:38,624 >> JUST DON'T USE IT ALL AT-- >> OH, ( BLEEP ). 343 00:17:38,690 --> 00:17:42,461 >>JUST OUT OF CURIOSITY, WHAT HAPPENS TO ALL THE CARS THAT GET 344 00:17:42,528 --> 00:17:43,695 DAMAGED DURING FILMING? 345 00:17:43,762 --> 00:17:47,533 >> WELL, DEAR, THOSE CARS GET SENT TO LIVE IN A FARM UPSTATE, 346 00:17:47,599 --> 00:17:51,437 AND THEY GET TO DRIVE AROUND WITH THEIR FRIENDS AND HONK 347 00:17:51,503 --> 00:17:53,172 THEIR HORNS AND THEY'RE REALLY HAPPY THERE. 348 00:17:53,238 --> 00:17:54,440 >> OH, THANK GOODNESS. 349 00:17:54,506 --> 00:17:55,641 I WAS SO WORRIED. 350 00:17:55,707 --> 00:17:58,343 >> MAY, CAN MY CAR BE IN THE NEXT MOVIE? 351 00:17:58,410 --> 00:18:01,680 >> DEPENDS WHAT KIND OF CAR YOU'RE DRIVING. 352 00:18:01,747 --> 00:18:05,150 >> A 2001 PT CRUISER, PRETTY COOL, RIGHT? 353 00:18:05,217 --> 00:18:08,253 >> NO, NOT REALLY. 354 00:18:08,320 --> 00:18:08,954 SORRY. 355 00:18:09,021 --> 00:18:12,090 >> IT HAS A SIX-DISK CD CHANGER. 356 00:18:12,157 --> 00:18:13,926 >> THAT'S ( BLEEP ) AWESOME. 357 00:18:13,992 --> 00:18:15,093 YOU'RE IN. 358 00:18:15,160 --> 00:18:17,396 >> WHY DO YOU THINK NEIL AND DELL DON'T GET ALONG AT FIRST? 359 00:18:17,463 --> 00:18:19,665 >> WHAT? 360 00:18:19,731 --> 00:18:22,067 >> WHEN THEY'RE TRYING TO COME HOME FOR THANKSGIVING. 361 00:18:22,134 --> 00:18:24,236 >> I THINK YOU MAY HAVE THE WRONG MOVIE. 362 00:18:24,303 --> 00:18:29,074 >> I'M TALKING ABOUT THE FIRST ONE, "PLANES, TRAINS, AND 363 00:18:29,141 --> 00:18:30,209 AUTOMOBILES." 364 00:18:30,275 --> 00:18:31,743 >> THAT'S NOT PART OF THE "FAST AND FURIOUS" FRANCHISE. 365 00:18:31,810 --> 00:18:32,878 >> ARE YOU SURE? 366 00:18:32,945 --> 00:18:37,149 >> ACTUALLY, NO, I MEAN, 24R-R SO MANY AT THIS POINT. 367 00:18:37,216 --> 00:18:38,851 >> POOR CAT. 368 00:18:38,917 --> 00:18:42,488 QUICK QUESTION: WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE CAR OF ALL TIME? 369 00:18:42,554 --> 00:18:49,361 >> ALWAYS LOVED THE '70 CHEVELLE, FORD GT. 370 00:18:49,428 --> 00:18:50,829 I ABSOLUTELY LOVE THAT CAR. 371 00:18:50,896 --> 00:18:53,232 IT'S AN ICE CREAM TRUCK! 372 00:18:53,298 --> 00:18:57,736 ( APPLAUSE ) SPONGEBOB. 373 00:18:57,803 --> 00:18:58,937 YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING? 374 00:18:59,004 --> 00:18:59,505 IT'S CRAZY. 375 00:18:59,571 --> 00:19:00,873 ( LAUGHTER ). 376 00:19:00,939 --> 00:19:02,474 >> WOW, THAT'S CRAZY, TYRESE. 377 00:19:02,541 --> 00:19:06,178 ME, TOO. 378 00:19:06,245 --> 00:19:09,515 >> THAT'S REALLY GOOD. 379 00:19:09,581 --> 00:19:12,518 OH, YOU'RE ( BLEEP ) LOOKING AT ME. 380 00:19:12,584 --> 00:19:13,785 >> I LOVE YOUR MUSIC. 381 00:19:13,852 --> 00:19:19,791 I BET WHEN YOU'RE ON SET YOU SAY LINES FROM YOUR SONG LIKE, 382 00:19:19,858 --> 00:19:22,394 "MOVE, BITCH, GET OUT OF MY WAY!" 383 00:19:22,461 --> 00:19:23,629 >> WHY WOULD YOU ASSUME THAT? 384 00:19:23,695 --> 00:19:24,730 YOU NEED TO GET BACK. 385 00:19:24,796 --> 00:19:25,898 YOU DON'T KNOW ME LIKE THAT. 386 00:19:25,964 --> 00:19:27,599 >> DO YOU EVER DRIVE FAST IN REAL LIFE. 387 00:19:27,666 --> 00:19:29,201 >> NO, NO, I DON'T. 388 00:19:29,268 --> 00:19:30,335 IT'S AGAINST THE LAW. 389 00:19:30,402 --> 00:19:33,071 BUT I DO DRIVE FURIOUS. 390 00:19:33,138 --> 00:19:35,240 YES, I DRIVE SLOW AND FURIOUS. 391 00:19:35,307 --> 00:19:36,508 ( LAUGHTER ). 392 00:19:36,575 --> 00:19:39,611 >> JOHN CENA, WHAT WAS IT LIKE JOINING THIS TEAM FOR THE NINTH 393 00:19:39,678 --> 00:19:40,312 MOVIE? 394 00:19:40,379 --> 00:19:42,047 >> I'VE BEEN IN ALL THE MOVIES. 395 00:19:42,114 --> 00:19:43,582 I WAS JUST OFF CAMERA. 396 00:19:43,649 --> 00:19:46,051 I WAS DOING THE SOUND EFFECTS OF THE ENGINE. 397 00:19:46,118 --> 00:19:47,052 >> REALLY? 398 00:19:47,119 --> 00:19:51,657 >> YEAH, I MEAN, CHECK IT OUT ( MOTOR REVVING ) 399 00:19:51,723 --> 00:19:57,129 ( TIRES SCREECHING ) "HORN HONKING ) 400 00:19:57,195 --> 00:20:00,799 >> YOU'RE THE STRONGEST FEATURE IN THE FRANCHISE. 401 00:20:00,866 --> 00:20:02,968 WHAT IS YOUR SECRET TO BULKING UP. 402 00:20:03,035 --> 00:20:07,839 >> YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE HOW SMALL MY TESTICLES ARE. 403 00:20:07,906 --> 00:20:10,008 >> HEY, VIN DIESEL, I LOVE THESE MOVIES. 404 00:20:10,075 --> 00:20:10,742 HUGE FAN. 405 00:20:10,809 --> 00:20:15,013 CAN I GET AIFY HIVE? 406 00:20:15,080 --> 00:20:15,347 OUCH! 407 00:20:15,414 --> 00:20:15,881 THE. 408 00:20:15,948 --> 00:20:18,750 >> OH, SORRY, MY BAD. 409 00:20:18,817 --> 00:20:21,720 ♪ ♪ ♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 410 00:20:21,787 --> 00:20:23,989 >> Stephen: THANK YOU TO THE CAST OF "F9"! 411 00:20:24,056 --> 00:20:25,724 CHECK IT OUT IN THEATERS NOW. 412 00:20:25,791 --> 00:20:29,895 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH DOMINIC MONAGHAN AND BILLY BOYD. 413 00:20:47,846 --> 00:20:48,480 >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY 414 00:20:48,547 --> 00:20:52,451 WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW." 415 00:20:52,517 --> 00:20:56,755 >> Stephen: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, BIG MOMENT FOR ME. 416 00:20:56,822 --> 00:20:59,024 YOU KNOW MY GUESTS TONIGHT AS MERRY BRANDYBUCK AND PIPPIN TOOK 417 00:20:59,091 --> 00:21:00,525 IN "THE LORD OF THE RINGS" TRILOGY. 418 00:21:00,592 --> 00:21:01,660 NOW THEY'VE STARTED A NEW PODCAST CALLED "THE FRIENDSHIP 419 00:21:01,727 --> 00:21:02,661 ONION." 420 00:21:02,728 --> 00:21:05,597 PLEASE WELCOME DOMINIC MONAGHAN AND BILLY BOYD! 421 00:21:05,664 --> 00:21:10,836 ♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE ) 422 00:21:10,902 --> 00:21:16,642 >> ABSOLUTE PLEASURE. 423 00:21:16,708 --> 00:21:26,718 ♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE ) 424 00:21:26,785 --> 00:21:30,055 >> Stephen: LOVELY TO HAVE YOU GUYS HERE, AS YOU MAY KNOW, 425 00:21:30,122 --> 00:21:31,556 YOU'RE COMPLETING MY HOBT COLLECTION. 426 00:21:31,623 --> 00:21:32,724 >> YES, I LOVE IT. 427 00:21:32,791 --> 00:21:35,861 >> Stephen: I HAVE INTERVIEWED MOST EVERYBODY ELSE. 428 00:21:35,927 --> 00:21:37,729 YOU KNOW, I'M NOT NORMAL. 429 00:21:37,796 --> 00:21:41,767 I'M INCREDIBLY-- I'M INCREDIBLY EXCITED TO-- TO SEE YOU. 430 00:21:41,833 --> 00:21:45,037 NOT THAT OTHER PEOPLE AREN'T EXCITED, BUT I'M-- WHAT I'M 431 00:21:45,103 --> 00:21:49,675 SAYING IS THAT EVERYONE IS EXCITED AS I AM TO SEE TOGETHER. 432 00:21:49,741 --> 00:21:50,876 THAT'S THE THING. 433 00:21:50,942 --> 00:21:54,646 WHEN THEY SEE YOU GUYS TOGETHER, COTHEY GO, "WHAT ARE YOU TWO 434 00:21:54,713 --> 00:21:58,050 DOING TOGETHER?" OR DO THEY GO, "THAT MAKES 435 00:21:58,116 --> 00:21:59,051 SENSE. 436 00:21:59,117 --> 00:22:05,624 >> IT'S A LITTLE KIND OF THE R2 D2 C3 PO THING. 437 00:22:05,691 --> 00:22:07,993 THEY THINK WE COME AS A UNIT AT ALL TIMES. 438 00:22:08,060 --> 00:22:12,898 THEY'RE NOT SURE WHICH ONE IS WHICH. 439 00:22:12,964 --> 00:22:15,133 >> WE GET THAT ALL THE TIME. 440 00:22:15,200 --> 00:22:16,535 >> THE MERRY TYPE THING. 441 00:22:16,601 --> 00:22:21,907 >> Stephen: WHICH ONE IS R2 D2, AND WHEN ONE IS CP30. 442 00:22:21,973 --> 00:22:24,710 >> WHO IS THE MOST HIGHLY STRUNG? 443 00:22:24,776 --> 00:22:27,012 I AM. 444 00:22:27,079 --> 00:22:28,213 I'M CP30. 445 00:22:28,280 --> 00:22:31,249 >> Stephen: WHAT ABOUT SUPER FANS LIKE ME, WHEN THEY SEE YOU 446 00:22:31,316 --> 00:22:35,854 ON THE STREETS, WHAT ARE THEY MOST LIKELY-- WHAT LINE ARE THEY 447 00:22:35,921 --> 00:22:39,691 MOST LIKELY TO YELL AT YOU, "SECOND BREAKFAST?" 448 00:22:39,758 --> 00:22:41,827 >> THAT WAS VERY GOOD, ACTUALLY. 449 00:22:41,893 --> 00:22:43,762 >> Stephen: THANK YOU. 450 00:22:43,829 --> 00:22:46,031 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ). 451 00:22:46,098 --> 00:22:49,735 >> YES, "SECOND BREAKFAST" IS A BIG ONE. 452 00:22:49,801 --> 00:22:53,538 BUT IF WE'RE FEELING GOOD, WHICH WE GENERALLY ARE-- 453 00:22:53,605 --> 00:22:55,240 >> GENERALLY, WE'RE HAPPY PEOPLE. 454 00:22:55,307 --> 00:22:59,811 >> WE SOMETIMES LIKE TO DO A LITTLE SONG FOR ME. 455 00:22:59,878 --> 00:23:02,047 >> Stephen: CAN I GUESS WHICH ONE IT IS? 456 00:23:02,114 --> 00:23:07,819 IS I GET-- IS THIS-- IS THIS-- THE GREEN DRAGON SONG. 457 00:23:07,886 --> 00:23:08,386 >> YES. 458 00:23:08,453 --> 00:23:09,588 >> DO YOU WANT TO DO IT? 459 00:23:09,654 --> 00:23:12,491 >> WE HAVE TO COME OUT A LITTLE BIT IF WE'RE GOING TO DO IT. 460 00:23:12,557 --> 00:23:14,893 COME ON, LET'S DO IT. 461 00:23:14,960 --> 00:23:15,694 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ). 462 00:23:15,761 --> 00:23:17,362 >> Stephen: NO, NO, YOU DO, PLEASE. 463 00:23:17,429 --> 00:23:18,029 I'LL WATCH. 464 00:23:18,096 --> 00:23:22,033 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ). 465 00:23:22,100 --> 00:23:23,335 >> COME AROUND. 466 00:23:23,401 --> 00:23:24,870 YOU COME IN THE MIDDLE, STEPHEN. 467 00:23:24,936 --> 00:23:33,645 I DON'T KNOW ALL THE WORDS. 468 00:23:33,712 --> 00:23:46,124 ANYONE JOIN IN IF YOU KNOW IT. 469 00:23:46,191 --> 00:23:55,901 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ 470 00:23:55,967 --> 00:24:00,138 >> Stephen: WHAT'S "BLESS THIS TOOK?" 471 00:24:00,205 --> 00:24:05,877 >> THAT'S ANOTHER SONG THAT WE DID. 472 00:24:05,944 --> 00:24:07,913 THE -- >> Stephen: THAT'S IN ROHAN. 473 00:24:07,979 --> 00:24:11,183 >> THE ONLY THING... 474 00:24:11,249 --> 00:24:11,683 THAT'S OKAY SONG. 475 00:24:11,750 --> 00:24:12,851 >>ING ARE YOU DRUNK? 476 00:24:12,918 --> 00:24:16,988 >> Stephen: OR-- OR DO YOU NEED TO BE DRUNK TO REMEMBER THE 477 00:24:17,055 --> 00:24:17,689 SONG. 478 00:24:17,756 --> 00:24:18,890 >> THEY ARE BOTH DRINKING SONGS. 479 00:24:18,957 --> 00:24:19,891 YOU KNOW. 480 00:24:19,958 --> 00:24:22,594 YOU'VE READ THE BOOKS A COUPLE OF TIMES, STEPHEN. 481 00:24:22,661 --> 00:24:23,895 >> Stephen: ONCE OR TWICE. 482 00:24:23,962 --> 00:24:27,098 >>THE HOBBITS LIKE TO DRINK. 483 00:24:27,165 --> 00:24:28,266 THEY LIKE TO PARTY. 484 00:24:28,333 --> 00:24:30,468 >> Stephen: THE AMAZON "LORD OF THE RINGS" PREQUEL THEY'RE 485 00:24:30,535 --> 00:24:33,305 DOING FROM THE SECOND AGE. 486 00:24:33,371 --> 00:24:37,642 THERE ARE PEOPLE OUT THERE WITH PETITIONS TO SAYING, "DON'T HAVE 487 00:24:37,709 --> 00:24:38,944 ANY NUDITY. 488 00:24:39,010 --> 00:24:40,178 DON'T HAVE ANY NUDITY. 489 00:24:40,245 --> 00:24:41,346 THE. 490 00:24:41,413 --> 00:24:43,315 THEY'RE AFRAID THEY'RE GOING TO ADULT IT UP A LITTLE BIT-- 491 00:24:43,381 --> 00:24:49,120 >> AND HAVE A LITTLE "GAME OF THROWNS." 492 00:24:49,187 --> 00:24:55,927 >> Stephen: HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT THE NUDITY-NONNUDITY THING 493 00:24:55,994 --> 00:24:56,561 IN TOLKIEN? 494 00:24:56,628 --> 00:24:59,364 >> THERE WAS ALMOST NUDITY. 495 00:24:59,431 --> 00:25:02,133 ME AND DOM -- >> Stephen: TRUE STORY? 496 00:25:02,200 --> 00:25:03,501 >> TRUE. 497 00:25:03,568 --> 00:25:05,237 PHILIP, WONDERFUL WRITER, ONE OF THE WRITERS ON -- 498 00:25:05,303 --> 00:25:07,439 >> Stephen: AND THE EXPERT. 499 00:25:07,505 --> 00:25:09,741 I DON'T WANT TO GET INTO IT. 500 00:25:09,808 --> 00:25:11,009 >> OKAY. 501 00:25:11,076 --> 00:25:15,247 BUT SHE DID A GAG, AND SHE WROTE A SCENE-- BECAUSE WE'VE BEEN 502 00:25:15,313 --> 00:25:18,717 KIND OF DOING SOME GAGS AND WINDING PEOPLE UP, HAVING A BIT 503 00:25:18,783 --> 00:25:19,951 OF FUN. 504 00:25:20,018 --> 00:25:24,489 AND SHE WROTE A SCENE THAT SHE SAID, "OH, IT'S A NEW SCENE 505 00:25:24,556 --> 00:25:29,561 WE'RE FILMING NEXT WEEK WITH THE ANTS, WITH TREE BEARD. 506 00:25:29,628 --> 00:25:35,934 WHEN MERRY AND PEPIN ARE UP TREE BEARD, HE GETS AFRAID AND SHAKES 507 00:25:36,001 --> 00:25:38,937 HIS BRANCHES WHICH MAKES YOU GUYS FALL. 508 00:25:39,004 --> 00:25:41,306 THIS HAS ALL BEEN PRINTED ON THE SCRIPT. 509 00:25:41,373 --> 00:25:43,341 IT MAKES YOU GUYS FALL, AND AS YOU HIT THE BRANCHES ON THE WAY 510 00:25:43,408 --> 00:25:45,777 DOWN, BY THE TIME YOU HIT THE GROUND, YOU'RE NAKED. 511 00:25:45,844 --> 00:25:50,849 ( LAUGHTER ) AND MARY TURNS TO PIPPIN AND 512 00:25:50,916 --> 00:25:53,551 SAYS, "IT'S COLD, ISN'T IT?" ( LAUGHTER ) 513 00:25:53,618 --> 00:25:58,023 AND PIPPIN SAYS, "HOLD ME, MARY." 514 00:25:58,089 --> 00:26:03,061 THIS WAS-- SO I CALL UP DON, AND I SAID HAVE YOU SEEN THIS NEW 515 00:26:03,128 --> 00:26:03,695 SCENE? 516 00:26:03,762 --> 00:26:05,864 AND HE'S LIKE, "YEAH, YEAH." 517 00:26:05,931 --> 00:26:07,799 I WAS LIKE, "WE'RE NAKED." 518 00:26:07,866 --> 00:26:11,603 AND HE-- >> WELL, I WAS-- I WAS KIND OF 519 00:26:11,670 --> 00:26:12,437 INTO IT. 520 00:26:12,504 --> 00:26:13,805 BECAUSE I-- ( LAUGHTER ) 521 00:26:13,872 --> 00:26:17,542 I HAVE A REALLY FANTASTIC ASS. 522 00:26:17,609 --> 00:26:19,277 ( LAUGHTER ) AND I-- NOW IS THE TIME TO GET 523 00:26:19,344 --> 00:26:21,646 IT OUT. 524 00:26:21,713 --> 00:26:23,348 YOU LOOK GREAT WITHOUT ANY CLOTHES ON. 525 00:26:23,415 --> 00:26:25,550 >> Stephen: GL I WANT TO POINT OUT SOMETHING FOR THE PEOPLE OUT 526 00:26:25,617 --> 00:26:30,021 THERE WHO DON'T THINK THERE SHOULD BE ANY NUDITY IN TOLKIEN. 527 00:26:30,088 --> 00:26:33,625 THE HOBBITS GET NUDE IN THE BOOK. 528 00:26:33,692 --> 00:26:34,125 >> IT'S TOM BABOMBADIL. 529 00:26:34,192 --> 00:26:35,727 >> I TOLD YOU THAT. 530 00:26:35,794 --> 00:26:37,996 >> Stephen: IT'S NOT IN THE MOVIE BUT IN THE BOOK, TOM SAYS 531 00:26:38,063 --> 00:26:45,503 TO THEM, LET'S SEE, BA-BA-BA, "s CAST OFF THESE COLD RAGS, 532 00:26:45,570 --> 00:26:51,643 RUN NAKED ON THE GRASS WHILE TOM GOES A-HUNTING. 533 00:26:51,710 --> 00:26:55,714 THE HOBBITS RAN AROUND ON THE GRASS AS HE TOLD THEM THEN LAY 534 00:26:55,780 --> 00:26:57,349 THEM THERE BASKING IN THE SUN WITH DELIGHT." 535 00:26:57,415 --> 00:27:00,352 I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT FROM THE PRUDZ WHO DON'T THINK THERE 536 00:27:00,418 --> 00:27:02,053 SHOULD BE NUDITY IN "LORD OF THE RINGS." 537 00:27:02,120 --> 00:27:04,823 >> WE DON'T THINK ANY NEFARIOUS WENT ON THERE WITH TOM. 538 00:27:04,889 --> 00:27:06,424 >> Stephen: OR WONDERFUL. 539 00:27:06,491 --> 00:27:07,826 OR ANYTHING WONDERFUL. 540 00:27:07,892 --> 00:27:11,129 >> JUST ALL ENJOYING EACH OTHER'S COMPANY AND BODIES. 541 00:27:11,196 --> 00:27:13,898 >> Stephen: AS WELL THEY SHOULD. 542 00:27:13,965 --> 00:27:14,766 AS WELL THEY SHOULD. 543 00:27:14,833 --> 00:27:16,534 WE HAVE TO TAKE A QUICK BREAK, GENTLEMEN. 544 00:27:16,601 --> 00:27:20,205 BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, DOMINIC AND BILLY WILL TRY TO STUMP ME 545 00:27:20,271 --> 00:27:21,940 WITH "LORD OF THE RINGS" TRIVIA. 546 00:27:22,007 --> 00:27:22,907 STICK AROUND. 547 00:27:22,974 --> 00:27:23,641 ♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE ) 548 00:27:32,050 --> 00:27:32,984 >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY. 549 00:27:33,051 --> 00:27:40,525 WE'RE HERE WITH BILLY BOYD AND DOMINIC MONAGHAN. 550 00:27:40,592 --> 00:27:45,363 GENTLEMEN, YOUR PODCAST, WHICH IS "THE FRIENDSHIP ONION." 551 00:27:45,430 --> 00:27:48,767 >YOU'RE SO CLOSE, STEPHEN. 552 00:27:48,833 --> 00:27:50,301 >> Stephen: "THE FRIENDSHIP ONION." 553 00:27:50,368 --> 00:27:51,836 MAY I DO YOUR PODCAST? 554 00:27:51,903 --> 00:27:53,271 >> STEPHEN, WE WOULD LOVE THAT. 555 00:27:53,338 --> 00:27:55,840 >> Stephen: I WOULD LOVE TO DO YOUR PODCAST. 556 00:27:55,907 --> 00:27:57,675 THAT SOUNDS LIKE A VACATION TO ME. 557 00:27:57,742 --> 00:27:59,044 >> PLEASE -- >> Stephen: THE ONE THING I'M 558 00:27:59,110 --> 00:28:05,450 AFRAID OF-- AND I'VE BEEN TOLD THAT YOU'VE GOT SOME QUESTIONS 559 00:28:05,517 --> 00:28:13,458 TONIGHT TO POSSIBLY STUMP ME ABOUT COLLETON "LORD OF THE COLT 560 00:28:13,525 --> 00:28:14,492 RINGS." 561 00:28:14,559 --> 00:28:15,894 LET ME SEE IF I WANT TO DO YOUR PODCAST RIGHT NOW. 562 00:28:15,960 --> 00:28:19,664 >> STEPHEN WE HAVE TWO QUESTIONS WHICH WE WILL ASK YOU, BUT TO 563 00:28:19,731 --> 00:28:22,367 PUT AN ADDED EXTRA PRESSURE ON YOU, THERE IS A PRIZE, AND I 564 00:28:22,434 --> 00:28:26,871 WOULD THINK-- I WOULD SAY THE PRIZE IS PROBABLY PRICELESS, 565 00:28:26,938 --> 00:28:27,672 WOULDN'T YOU? 566 00:28:27,739 --> 00:28:28,940 >> THE PRIZE IS INCREDIBLE, STEPHEN. 567 00:28:29,007 --> 00:28:33,044 >> IT'S IN MY-- IT'S MY POCKET, STEPHEN. 568 00:28:33,111 --> 00:28:35,847 AND WE WILL-- WE WILL KEEP IS SECRET. 569 00:28:35,914 --> 00:28:36,648 WE WILL KEEP IS SAFE. 570 00:28:36,714 --> 00:28:37,482 >> IN YOUR POCKET. 571 00:28:37,549 --> 00:28:38,750 >> IN MY POCKET. 572 00:28:38,817 --> 00:28:41,519 UNLESS YOU GET BOTH QUESTIONS RIGHT. 573 00:28:41,586 --> 00:28:42,120 >> Stephen: OKAY, SO, OKAY. 574 00:28:42,187 --> 00:28:42,987 >> HERE WE GO. 575 00:28:43,054 --> 00:28:44,122 >> Stephen: HIT ME. 576 00:28:44,189 --> 00:28:49,127 >> QUESTION NUMBER ONE, IT'S A TWO-PARTER AND I WANT BOTH 577 00:28:49,194 --> 00:28:49,761 ANSWERS. 578 00:28:49,828 --> 00:28:50,395 OKAY. 579 00:28:50,462 --> 00:28:51,696 READY, STEPHEN, HERE WE GO. 580 00:28:51,763 --> 00:28:54,833 >> Stephen: I'M ACTUALLY NERVOUS, GO AHEAD 581 00:28:54,899 --> 00:29:02,507 ( CLEARS THROAT ) >> WHO IS SHELOK'S MOTHER, AND 582 00:29:02,574 --> 00:29:03,908 HOW DID SHE DIE. 583 00:29:03,975 --> 00:29:08,880 >> Stephen: ARE THOSE BOTH QUESTIONS? 584 00:29:08,947 --> 00:29:13,885 >> THAT'S MY QUESTION AND-- >> 585 00:29:13,952 --> 00:29:17,922 >> Stephen: SHELOVDIED BY CONSUMING HERSELF IN HER OWN 586 00:29:17,989 --> 00:29:18,356 WEBS OF DARKNESS. 587 00:29:18,423 --> 00:29:24,329 >> HE'S GOT IT! 588 00:29:24,395 --> 00:29:29,634 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Audience: STEPHEN! 589 00:29:29,701 --> 00:29:30,335 STEPHEN! 590 00:29:30,401 --> 00:29:30,635 STEPHEN! 591 00:29:30,702 --> 00:29:31,369 STEPHEN! 592 00:29:31,436 --> 00:29:33,004 >> Stephen: IT'S ALL ON YOU NOW. 593 00:29:33,071 --> 00:29:33,671 OH, BOY. 594 00:29:33,738 --> 00:29:35,073 >> HERE WE GO. 595 00:29:35,140 --> 00:29:36,341 >> VERY IMPRESSIVE. 596 00:29:36,407 --> 00:29:40,545 >> AS YOU KNOW, MERRY AND PIPPIN MEET TREE BEARD. 597 00:29:40,612 --> 00:29:40,979 >> Stephen: YES. 598 00:29:41,045 --> 00:29:42,981 >> HE IS AN ENT. 599 00:29:43,047 --> 00:29:43,982 >> Stephen: YES. 600 00:29:44,048 --> 00:29:48,553 >> THE ENTS HAVE A MEETING WITH MARY AND PIPPIN. 601 00:29:48,620 --> 00:29:49,254 >> Stephen: YES. 602 00:29:49,320 --> 00:29:58,163 >> WHICH CALLED AN AN ANT MOOT. 603 00:29:58,229 --> 00:29:59,297 >> Stephen: I'M FAMILIAR. 604 00:29:59,364 --> 00:30:12,911 >> THEY HAVE THIS IN FEIN GONE FOREST, BUT WHERE IN FEIN 605 00:30:12,977 --> 00:30:13,378 GREENFOREST. 606 00:30:13,444 --> 00:30:13,945 >> WAIT A SECOND. 607 00:30:14,012 --> 00:30:15,613 I THINK HE'S GOOSING UP? 608 00:30:15,680 --> 00:30:17,549 >> NO, HE'S NOT. 609 00:30:17,615 --> 00:30:20,385 >> WHERE IS... 610 00:30:20,451 --> 00:30:23,655 >> THE ANT MOOT HELD? 611 00:30:23,721 --> 00:30:24,389 OH! 612 00:30:24,455 --> 00:30:27,392 >> Stephen: QUIET, PLEASE, QUIET. 613 00:30:27,458 --> 00:30:32,430 >> PRICELESS PRIZE! 614 00:30:32,497 --> 00:30:35,500 ( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: UH... 615 00:30:35,567 --> 00:30:37,802 IT IS... 616 00:30:37,869 --> 00:30:38,736 >> Audience: NEW JERSEY! 617 00:30:38,803 --> 00:30:41,940 ( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: I DON'T KNOW. 618 00:30:42,006 --> 00:30:44,409 I DON'T KNOW THE NAME-- I DON'T KNOW THE NAME OF IT. 619 00:30:44,475 --> 00:30:49,247 >> ( GASPS ) 620 00:30:49,314 --> 00:30:52,250 ARE YOU-- >> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, STUMPED 621 00:30:52,317 --> 00:30:53,151 BY PIPPIN. 622 00:30:53,218 --> 00:30:55,320 >> Stephen: WHAT IS IT? 623 00:30:55,386 --> 00:30:57,722 WHAT'S THE ANSWER, PIPPIN. 624 00:30:57,789 --> 00:30:59,357 >> DERN DINGELL. 625 00:30:59,424 --> 00:31:01,292 >> Stephen: DAMN IT! 626 00:31:01,359 --> 00:31:05,897 WE'LL EDIT THAT OUT, RIGHT? 627 00:31:05,964 --> 00:31:10,134 LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING-- IS IT DERN DINGELL? 628 00:31:10,201 --> 00:31:16,307 AND WE'LL EDIT THAT IN. 629 00:31:16,374 --> 00:31:19,944 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YOU ARE ONE OF THE FEW PEOPLE-- 630 00:31:20,011 --> 00:31:22,213 YOU'RE ONE OF THE FEW PEOPLE TO EVER STUMP ME. 631 00:31:22,280 --> 00:31:23,448 IT'S A GREAT QUESTION. 632 00:31:23,514 --> 00:31:27,218 >> I'M ACTUALLY-- I'M ACTUALLY SCARED THAT I GOT IT WRONG. 633 00:31:27,285 --> 00:31:28,720 >> Stephen: NO, YOU GOT IT RIGHT. 634 00:31:28,786 --> 00:31:30,188 IT RANG A BELL AS SOON AS YOU SAID IT. 635 00:31:30,255 --> 00:31:33,558 >> SHOULD WE GIVE HIM THE PRIZE ANYWAY? 636 00:31:33,625 --> 00:31:36,160 >> Stephen: WAIT, WAIT, HOW ABOUT THIS. 637 00:31:36,227 --> 00:31:40,031 LET ME SETTLE IT. 638 00:31:40,098 --> 00:31:45,637 I GET THE PRIZE IF YOU CAN ANSWER THIS QUESTION ABOUT MERRY 639 00:31:45,703 --> 00:31:46,938 AND PIPPIN. 640 00:31:47,005 --> 00:31:50,041 >> YOU US GETTING IT RIGHT MEANS YOU GET A PRIZE FROM US. 641 00:31:50,108 --> 00:31:51,709 >> Stephen: IF I GET IT RIGHT AND YOU DON'T. 642 00:31:51,776 --> 00:31:54,779 IF I GET THIS QUESTION RIGHT, BECAUSE I'M NOT ASKING THE 643 00:31:54,846 --> 00:31:56,014 QUESTION. 644 00:31:56,080 --> 00:31:59,050 THIS QUESTION HAS BEEN SENT IN TO US TODAY FROM PETER JACKSON. 645 00:31:59,117 --> 00:32:00,218 JIM. 646 00:32:00,285 --> 00:32:04,555 >> I WANT TO ACTUALLY ASK STEPHEN TO GET INVOLVED IN THIS 647 00:32:04,622 --> 00:32:07,792 BECAUSE WE HAVE TO BASICALLY ANSWER THE QUESTION, WHO KNOWS 648 00:32:07,859 --> 00:32:12,530 MERRY AND PIPPIN BETTER, MERRY AND PIPPIN OR STEPHEN COLBERT? 649 00:32:12,597 --> 00:32:15,300 SO THIS IS BETTER GOING TO DECIDE THINGS. 650 00:32:15,366 --> 00:32:18,136 NOW, THIS QUESTION IS A TWO-PART ANSWER. 651 00:32:18,202 --> 00:32:20,171 I NEED TWO ANSWERS WITHIN THE SAME QUESTION. 652 00:32:20,238 --> 00:32:24,709 SO LET ME ASK THE QUESTION FIRST, AND THEN YOU HAVE FIVE 653 00:32:24,776 --> 00:32:25,877 SECONDS. 654 00:32:25,943 --> 00:32:30,081 VERY LITTLE-KNOWN FACT THAT A HOBBIT INVENTED THE GAME OF 655 00:32:30,148 --> 00:32:31,716 GOLF. 656 00:32:31,783 --> 00:32:36,321 AND THAT MERRY-- AND I WANT TO KNOW, IS MERRY OR PIPPIN 657 00:32:36,387 --> 00:32:39,023 DESCENDED DIRECTLY FROM THE HOBBIT WHO INVENTED GOLF, AND 658 00:32:39,090 --> 00:32:44,429 WHAT THE IS IS THE NAME OF THE HOBBIT WHO INVENT VENTED GOLF. 659 00:32:44,495 --> 00:32:48,700 >> Stephen: PIPPIN, AND HIS NAME IS BULL ROAR TOOK. 660 00:32:48,766 --> 00:32:52,236 ( APPLAUSE ) >> DEFINITELY PIPPIN. 661 00:32:52,303 --> 00:32:53,438 >> Stephen: DID YOU KNOW? 662 00:32:53,504 --> 00:32:54,605 IS DID YOU KNOW? 663 00:32:54,672 --> 00:32:56,274 >> I KNEW THAT IT WAS PIPPIN. 664 00:32:56,341 --> 00:33:00,445 BUT I DIDN'T KNOW WHO-- WHO THE HOBBIT WAS THAT INVENTED GOLF. 665 00:33:00,511 --> 00:33:02,780 >> Stephen: LET'S SEE IF I'M RIGHT. 666 00:33:02,847 --> 00:33:06,084 >> OKAY, WRONG. 667 00:33:06,150 --> 00:33:09,153 I'D BE SURPRISED IF STEPHEN GOT THAT RIGHT. 668 00:33:09,220 --> 00:33:14,559 THE NAME OF THE HOBBIT WHO INVENTED GOLF WAS BULL ROARAC 669 00:33:14,625 --> 00:33:15,660 TOOK. 670 00:33:15,727 --> 00:33:23,368 BOTH MERRY AND PIPPIN ARE DESCENDED, DUE TO BRANDYBUCK 671 00:33:23,434 --> 00:33:24,102 WITH EZMERLEDDA. 672 00:33:24,168 --> 00:33:25,870 AND YOU'RE FIRST COUSINS. 673 00:33:25,937 --> 00:33:28,773 YOU KNOW THAT, I'M SURE YOU DO. 674 00:33:28,840 --> 00:33:32,110 ANYWAY, THAT'S-- I THINK I'LL DECLARE STEPHEN THE WINNER 675 00:33:32,176 --> 00:33:35,246 ANYWAY, BECAUSE HE LIKES BEING THE WINNER. 676 00:33:35,313 --> 00:33:36,781 THANK YOU, THANK YOU. 677 00:33:36,848 --> 00:33:37,448 SORRY, SORRY. 678 00:33:37,515 --> 00:33:38,249 >> Stephen: THANK YOU, PETER. 679 00:33:38,316 --> 00:33:40,785 THANK YOU, PETER. 680 00:33:40,852 --> 00:33:45,990 ( APPLAUSE ) >> I THINK HE GETS THE PRIZE. 681 00:33:46,057 --> 00:33:47,258 >> HE GOT IT. 682 00:33:47,325 --> 00:33:48,760 >> IT FITZ IN MY POCKET. 683 00:33:48,826 --> 00:33:50,128 ARE YOU READY, STEPHEN? 684 00:33:50,194 --> 00:33:52,230 >> Stephen: SURE,. 685 00:33:52,296 --> 00:33:53,765 >> YOU'RE GOING TO LIKE THIS. 686 00:33:53,831 --> 00:33:55,733 >> Stephen: WAIT, I THINK I KNOW. 687 00:33:55,800 --> 00:33:58,169 IF YOU SAID BOTH OF THEM, I THINK I KNOW WHAT IT IS. 688 00:33:58,236 --> 00:34:03,341 >> A GENUINE PAIR OF MERRY EARS FROM THE MOVIE. 689 00:34:03,408 --> 00:34:14,619 ( APPLAUSE ) ( CHEERING ) 690 00:34:14,685 --> 00:34:16,020 >> Stephen: ABSOLUTE PLEASURE. 691 00:34:16,087 --> 00:34:17,555 THANK YOU SO MUCH, GENTLEMEN. 692 00:34:17,622 --> 00:34:22,894 WHAT A JOY. 693 00:34:22,960 --> 00:34:23,828 THEIR PODCAST IS "THE FRIENDSHIP ONION." 694 00:34:23,895 --> 00:34:26,030 BILLY BOYD AND DOMINIC MONAGHAN, EVERYBODY! 695 00:34:26,097 --> 00:34:28,232 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH COMEDIAN ALI SULTAWN. 696 00:34:28,299 --> 00:34:29,033 ♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE ) 697 00:34:57,094 --> 00:34:57,728 >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY, 698 00:34:57,795 --> 00:35:00,665 WELCOME BACK! 699 00:35:00,731 --> 00:35:06,337 LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, ORIGINALLY FROM YEMEN, MY NEXT GUEST IS A 700 00:35:06,404 --> 00:35:10,107 STAND-UP COMEDIAN MAKING HIS NETWORK TELEVISION DEBUT. 701 00:35:10,174 --> 00:35:11,976 PLEASE WELCOME ALI SULTAWN. 702 00:35:12,043 --> 00:35:20,284 ( APPLAUSE ) ♪ ♪ ♪ 703 00:35:20,351 --> 00:35:23,888 ♪ ♪ ♪ >> HELLO! 704 00:35:23,955 --> 00:35:26,090 THANK YOU. 705 00:35:26,157 --> 00:35:31,596 ( APPLAUSE ) THANK YOU SO MUCH. 706 00:35:31,662 --> 00:35:32,163 HELLO. 707 00:35:32,230 --> 00:35:33,130 MY NAME IS ALI SULTAWN. 708 00:35:33,197 --> 00:35:35,666 I WAS BORN IN YEMEN. 709 00:35:35,733 --> 00:35:39,670 I WAS RAISED A DEVOUT MUSLIM, AND ONE DAY I ACTUALLY TRIED 710 00:35:39,737 --> 00:35:41,672 BACON. 711 00:35:41,739 --> 00:35:43,574 ( LAUGHTER ) AND I FOUND JESUS THAT DAY. 712 00:35:43,641 --> 00:35:44,842 I FOUND THE LORD. 713 00:35:44,909 --> 00:35:46,611 ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) 714 00:35:46,677 --> 00:35:49,914 OUR PEOPLE SAY PSYCHEDELICS EXPAND YOUR MIND. 715 00:35:49,981 --> 00:35:53,985 BACON WAS MY MUSHROOM. 716 00:35:54,051 --> 00:35:58,122 ( APPLAUSE ) AS SOON AS I TRIED IT, I SAID, 717 00:35:58,189 --> 00:36:03,895 "WHY AM I ALLOWED NOT A SLICE OF THIS DELICIOUSNESS?" 718 00:36:03,961 --> 00:36:07,164 I THINK IF YOU'RE BORN IN AMERICA, YOU SHOULD BE GRATEFUL. 719 00:36:07,231 --> 00:36:09,767 ( APPLAUSE ) ( CHEERING ) 720 00:36:09,834 --> 00:36:10,935 YEAH. 721 00:36:11,002 --> 00:36:15,806 YOU HAVE A LOT OF PRIVILEGES, LIKE KNOWING YOUR BIRTH DAY. 722 00:36:15,873 --> 00:36:19,744 IN YEMEN, THEY DON'T KEEP BIRTH RECORDS AND THEY DON'T CELEBRATE 723 00:36:19,810 --> 00:36:22,680 BIRTHDAYS SO YOU JUST HAVE TO TAKE YOUR BEST GUESS. 724 00:36:22,747 --> 00:36:25,983 I FINALLY ASKED MY MOM WHEN I WAS 14-- OR NINE... 725 00:36:26,050 --> 00:36:28,653 ( LAUGHTER ) I SAID, "MOM, WHEN WAS I BORN?" 726 00:36:28,719 --> 00:36:34,091 AND SHE SAID, "YOU WERE BORN WHEN WE GOT THE CAT." 727 00:36:34,158 --> 00:36:37,828 ( LAUGHTER ) I SAID, "WHEN DID YOU GET THE 728 00:36:37,895 --> 00:36:42,066 CAT?" SHE SAID THAT'S WHEN YOUR UNCLE 729 00:36:42,133 --> 00:36:43,200 GOT DIABETES. 730 00:36:43,267 --> 00:36:46,170 AND THAT'S HOW I LEARNED THAT TIME WAS RELATIVE. 731 00:36:46,237 --> 00:36:50,174 THE RELATIVE IS MY DIABETIC UNCLE. 732 00:36:50,241 --> 00:36:56,380 ( APPLAUSE ) THANK YOU. 733 00:36:56,447 --> 00:36:58,215 MY MOTHER RECENTLY GOT MARRIED. 734 00:36:58,282 --> 00:37:02,153 IT'S HER FOURTH MARRIAGE, BECAUSE SHE'S NOT A QUITTER. 735 00:37:02,219 --> 00:37:04,488 AND I SAID, "CONGRATS, MOM. 736 00:37:04,555 --> 00:37:08,392 YOU'RE THE FIRST MUSLUM WOMAN TO HAVE FOUR HUSBANDS. 737 00:37:08,459 --> 00:37:13,898 YOU'RE THE ROSA PARKS OF THE MIDDLE EAST RIGHT NOW. 738 00:37:13,965 --> 00:37:15,399 GO GET THEM." 739 00:37:15,466 --> 00:37:17,234 ( APPLAUSE ) MY STEP-DAD HAS BEEN AROUND THE 740 00:37:17,301 --> 00:37:20,538 COUNTRY FOR ABOUT A COUPLE OF YEARS AND HE'S ALREADY, LIKE, 741 00:37:20,605 --> 00:37:21,505 LEARNED SO MUCH. 742 00:37:21,572 --> 00:37:23,774 IN TWO YEARS HE'S LEARNED HOW TO SPEAK ENGLISH. 743 00:37:23,841 --> 00:37:25,843 HE LEARNED HOW TO DRIVE. 744 00:37:25,910 --> 00:37:29,413 AND HOW TO ICE SKATE, FOR SOME REASON. 745 00:37:29,480 --> 00:37:30,781 AND HE'S A NICE GUY. 746 00:37:30,848 --> 00:37:35,086 HE PULLED ME ASIDE, KNOWING THAT I GREW UP WITHOUT A FATHER, AND 747 00:37:35,152 --> 00:37:38,222 HE SAID ALI, I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT YOU ARE MOI SON. 748 00:37:38,289 --> 00:37:39,857 AND I SAID, "NO, THANK YOU. 749 00:37:39,924 --> 00:37:42,126 I AM 30, I THINK." 750 00:37:42,193 --> 00:37:52,470 ( LAUGHTER ) ALSO, "ALSO, I TAUGHT YOU HOW TO 751 00:37:52,536 --> 00:37:53,104 SPEAK ENGLISH. 752 00:37:53,170 --> 00:37:55,773 I TAUGHT YOU HOW TO DRIVE. 753 00:37:55,840 --> 00:37:57,975 I USED TO TAKE YOU ICE SKATING. 754 00:37:58,042 --> 00:38:01,646 YOU'RE MY SON." 755 00:38:01,712 --> 00:38:04,782 "GO CLEAN YOUR ROOM. 756 00:38:04,849 --> 00:38:05,983 THE. 757 00:38:06,050 --> 00:38:10,021 I EMIGRATED WHEN I WAS 15, AND WHEN I GOT HERE I HAD TO TAKE 758 00:38:10,087 --> 00:38:14,058 E.S.L. CLASSES AND ONE DAY MY INSTRUCTOR STARTED TALKING ABOUT 759 00:38:14,125 --> 00:38:17,461 THE MIDDLE EAST AND 9/11, AND THEN SHE LOOKED AT ME, THE ONLY 760 00:38:17,528 --> 00:38:20,564 ARAB KID IN THE CLASS, AND SHE SAID, "THEY HATE US BECAUSE 761 00:38:20,631 --> 00:38:22,233 THEY'RE JEALOUS OF OUR FREEDOM." 762 00:38:22,299 --> 00:38:24,635 AND SHE JUST KEPT STARING AND STARING. 763 00:38:24,702 --> 00:38:27,138 AND THAT MADE ME UNCOMFORTABLE. 764 00:38:27,204 --> 00:38:30,107 AND WHEN I'M UNCOMFORTABLE, I LAUGH. 765 00:38:30,174 --> 00:38:34,278 ( LAUGHTER ) AND I-- AND I LAUGHED. 766 00:38:34,345 --> 00:38:36,113 BUT I LAUGHED WAY TOO HARD. 767 00:38:36,180 --> 00:38:39,583 ( LAUGHTER ) IT DIDN'T LOOK LIKE IT WAS OUT 768 00:38:39,650 --> 00:38:40,818 OF DISCOMFORT. 769 00:38:40,885 --> 00:38:42,853 IT LOOKED LIKE I WAS PLOTTING AGAINST THE UNITED STATES OF 770 00:38:42,920 --> 00:38:44,121 AMERICA. 771 00:38:44,188 --> 00:38:47,091 SHE SAID, "THEY HATE US BECAUSE THEY'RE JEALOUS OF OUR FREEDOM." 772 00:38:47,158 --> 00:38:51,729 AND I WAS LIKE HA-HA-HA! 773 00:38:51,796 --> 00:38:53,798 I DON'T-- I DON'T THINK THAT'S TRUE. 774 00:38:53,864 --> 00:38:56,934 I DON'T THINK THE MIDDLE EAST IS JEALOUS OF AMERICA'S FREEDOM. 775 00:38:57,001 --> 00:38:57,902 BECAUSE I'VE LIVED THERE. 776 00:38:57,968 --> 00:39:01,839 I LIVED IN YEMEN, AND WE HAD THE MOST FREEDOM. 777 00:39:01,906 --> 00:39:06,177 BECAUSE WE DID NOT HAVE AN OPERATING GOVERNMENT. 778 00:39:06,243 --> 00:39:09,313 ( LAUGHTER ) YOU COULD DO WHATEVER YOU WANTED 779 00:39:09,380 --> 00:39:09,714 TO. 780 00:39:09,780 --> 00:39:10,948 IT WAS CRAZY. 781 00:39:11,015 --> 00:39:15,019 ONE TIME I WAS ON A BUS AND I SAW A BABY SMOKING A CIGARETTE. 782 00:39:15,086 --> 00:39:19,056 HE MIGHT HAVE EIGHT, AND HE WAS SMOKING SO CASUALLY. 783 00:39:19,123 --> 00:39:22,026 AND I WAS THE ONLY PERSON PANICKING. 784 00:39:22,093 --> 00:39:25,129 I WAS LIKE, "OH, MY GOD, WHY IS HE DRIVING THIS BUS?" 785 00:39:25,196 --> 00:39:30,201 WE'RE GOING TO DIE. 786 00:39:30,267 --> 00:39:32,103 ( APPLAUSE ) MY FAVORITE THING ABOUT AMERICA 787 00:39:32,169 --> 00:39:32,770 IS NOT FREEDOM. 788 00:39:32,837 --> 00:39:36,173 IT'S RULES AND REGULATIONS. 789 00:39:36,240 --> 00:39:38,375 ( LAUGHTER ) I DON'T WANT TO LIVE IN A PLACE 790 00:39:38,442 --> 00:39:42,113 WHERE AN ACCOUNTANT CAN HAVE A BAZOOKA. 791 00:39:42,179 --> 00:39:47,017 I WANT TO LIVE IN A PLACE WHERE JAYWALKING HAS CONSEQUENCES. 792 00:39:47,084 --> 00:39:48,252 I AM ALI SULTAWN. 793 00:39:48,319 --> 00:39:49,453 THANK YOU SO MUCH. 794 00:39:49,520 --> 00:39:50,488 APPRECIATE IT. 795 00:39:50,554 --> 00:39:53,524 ( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: HE'S HEADLINING "THE 796 00:39:53,591 --> 00:39:58,395 COMEDY FORT" IN FORT COLLINS ON JULY 15, AND YOU CAN FIND 797 00:39:58,462 --> 00:39:59,730 HIM ON TWITTER @ALISULTANCOMEDY. 798 00:39:59,797 --> 00:40:01,098 ALI SULTAWN, EVERYBODY! 799 00:40:01,165 --> 00:40:01,398 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK. 800 00:40:08,038 --> 00:40:09,473 HEY EVERYBODY, THAT'S IT FOR A LATE SHOW." 801 00:40:09,540 --> 00:40:12,576 TUNE IN TOMORROW WHEN MY GUEST WILL BE HARVEY KEITEL. 802 00:40:12,643 --> 00:40:15,146 AND COMEDIAN RANDALL OTIS. 803 00:40:15,212 --> 00:40:15,980 JAMES CORDEN IS NEXT. 804 00:40:16,046 --> 00:40:16,881 GOOD NIGHT.