1 00:00:01,626 --> 00:00:03,753 >> TO BEGIN WITH THE SUPER CELEBRATION FOR TOM BRADY AND 2 00:00:03,837 --> 00:00:05,922 THE TAMPA BAY BRUX. 3 00:00:06,005 --> 00:00:08,049 >> INCLUDED BRADY ON HIS $2 MILLION BOAT TOSSING THE 4 00:00:08,133 --> 00:00:11,928 SUPER BOWL TROPHY TO HIS TEAMMATES WHO WERE ON A 5 00:00:12,011 --> 00:00:13,096 DIFFERENT BOAT. 6 00:00:13,179 --> 00:00:19,102 >> BUT LATER ON IT WAS CLEAR THAT TOM BRADY MAY HAVE GONE 7 00:00:19,185 --> 00:00:23,064 OVERBOARD DURING THE PARTY. 8 00:00:23,148 --> 00:00:25,984 >> HOW AWESOME WAS THAT? 9 00:00:26,067 --> 00:00:32,490 TOM BRADY, SUPER BOWL LV -- ♪ THERE ONCE WAS A SHIP FULL OF 10 00:00:32,574 --> 00:00:34,993 BUCCANEERS WHO HAD ONE OR TWO OR THREE HUNDRED BEERS ♪ 11 00:00:35,076 --> 00:00:38,288 ♪ THEY RAISED A GLASS AND SAID CHEERS ♪ 12 00:00:38,371 --> 00:00:42,792 ♪ IT WILL HURT BAD TOMORROW ♪ ♪ SOON MAY THE HANGOVER COME 13 00:00:42,876 --> 00:00:45,003 FROM TOO MUCH WHISKEY GIN AND RUM ♪ 14 00:00:45,086 --> 00:00:48,465 ♪ TOSSED A TROPHY THEY JUST WON ♪ 15 00:00:48,548 --> 00:00:51,426 ♪ THERE WILL BE MORE THINGS TO THROW ♪ 16 00:00:51,509 --> 00:00:55,805 ♪ TOM BRADY GOT OUT OF FED ♪ ♪ THOUGHT HE WOULD FEEL BETTER 17 00:00:55,889 --> 00:00:58,266 WILLIAMS HE WAS FETED ♪ ♪ BUT FELT AS IF HIS HEAD HAD 18 00:00:58,349 --> 00:01:03,188 BEEN HIT BY A POLE ♪ ♪ SOON MAY THE HANGOVER COME 19 00:01:03,271 --> 00:01:07,942 FROM TOO MUCH WHISKEY AND GIN AND RUM ♪ 20 00:01:08,026 --> 00:01:10,820 ♪ OH, BOY, THE BELLY'S NOT DONE ♪ 21 00:01:10,904 --> 00:01:15,950 ♪ BACK TO THE SUPER BOWL ♪ ( RETCHING ) 22 00:01:16,034 --> 00:01:18,161 >> Announcer: IT'S A SHORE WITH STEPHEN COLBERT. 23 00:01:18,244 --> 00:01:22,123 TONIGHT, IMPEACHING TO THE CHOIR. 24 00:01:22,207 --> 00:01:24,501 VALENTINE'S DAY'S FIRST DRAFT. 25 00:01:24,584 --> 00:01:27,170 AND STEPHEN WELCOMES BLAKE SHELTON. 26 00:01:27,253 --> 00:01:31,341 FEATURING JON BATISTE AND "STAY HUMAN." 27 00:01:31,424 --> 00:01:34,385 NOW LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER OFFICE BUILDING 28 00:01:34,469 --> 00:01:38,640 IN NEW YORK CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT! 29 00:01:38,723 --> 00:01:41,226 >> Stephen: WHOO! 30 00:01:41,309 --> 00:01:42,685 WELCOME, BABY! 31 00:01:42,769 --> 00:01:46,856 OH, I'M HERE ON THE PLANET! 32 00:01:46,940 --> 00:01:48,316 WELCOME TO IT! 33 00:01:48,399 --> 00:01:48,858 I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. 34 00:01:48,942 --> 00:01:51,069 AND DON'T YOU FORGET IT! 35 00:01:51,152 --> 00:01:52,237 WHOO! 36 00:01:52,320 --> 00:01:52,862 WHOO! 37 00:01:52,946 --> 00:01:56,115 IT'S THAT OR GO TO SLEEP. 38 00:01:56,199 --> 00:01:58,076 TWO CHOICES, AND I WANT TO BE HERE FOR YOU. 39 00:01:58,159 --> 00:02:00,078 SO NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN. 40 00:02:00,161 --> 00:02:03,206 YOU KNOW, FOLKS, IT WAS NOT EASY. 41 00:02:03,289 --> 00:02:06,501 WE MADE IT THROUGH THE FINAL DAY OF THE DEMOCRATS' CASE AGAINST 42 00:02:06,584 --> 00:02:09,838 THE EX-PRESIDENT AND, TODAY, I DIDN'T CRY -- YET. 43 00:02:09,921 --> 00:02:11,089 SAVING THAT FOR A BEDTIME TREAT. 44 00:02:11,172 --> 00:02:16,511 I'M GOING TO TELL YOU ALL ABOUT THEIR CLOSING ARGUMENT IN MY 45 00:02:16,594 --> 00:02:19,722 UNFORTUNATELY STILL ONGOING, BUT SOON TO BE GONE SEGMENT 46 00:02:19,806 --> 00:02:22,183 "DON AND THE GIANT IMPEACH 2: GO FAST, WE'RE FURIOUS." 47 00:02:22,267 --> 00:02:25,353 >> I AM A TREMENDOUS EMBARRASSMENT TO OUR COUNTRY. 48 00:02:25,436 --> 00:02:30,024 THE LAST FOUR YEARS WERE TRAGEDIES. 49 00:02:30,108 --> 00:02:32,402 ( GROWLING ) OOH! 50 00:02:32,485 --> 00:02:33,695 OOH! 51 00:02:33,778 --> 00:02:34,696 THIS IS KIND OF DOING IT FOR ME. 52 00:02:34,779 --> 00:02:34,904 OOH! 53 00:02:34,988 --> 00:02:37,240 OOH! 54 00:02:37,323 --> 00:02:38,366 I LOVE YOU >> YUCK! 55 00:02:38,449 --> 00:02:42,203 >> YOU'RE GONNA GET $130,000. 56 00:02:42,287 --> 00:02:43,204 >> WEIRDO! 57 00:02:43,288 --> 00:02:49,460 >> Stephen: I'M GOING TO MISS THAT A LITTLE. 58 00:02:49,544 --> 00:02:50,587 AS THE DAY WAS LARGELY SUMMARY BY THE HOUSE 59 00:02:50,670 --> 00:02:53,256 MANAGERS, THERE WAS A LOT OF EVIDENCE, BUT THERE WAS ALSO 60 00:02:53,339 --> 00:02:54,424 APPEALING TO A COMMON HUMANITY. 61 00:02:54,507 --> 00:02:57,886 FOR INSTANCE, CALIFORNIA CONGRESSMAN TED LIEU POINTED OUT 62 00:02:57,969 --> 00:02:58,428 JUST HOW CALLOUS THE FORMER PRESIDENT WAS IN THE DAYS 63 00:02:58,511 --> 00:03:02,557 FOLLOWING THE ATTACK. 64 00:03:02,640 --> 00:03:05,560 >> WE'RE ALL AWARE THAT A VIOLENT MOB MURDERED A POLICE 65 00:03:05,643 --> 00:03:06,769 OFFICER. 66 00:03:06,853 --> 00:03:12,400 IT TOOK PRESIDENT TRUMP THREE DAYS BEFORE HE LOWERED THE FLAG 67 00:03:12,483 --> 00:03:14,277 OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA. 68 00:03:14,360 --> 00:03:18,781 THREE DAYS. 69 00:03:18,865 --> 00:03:22,243 AND PRESIDENT TRUMP WHO WAS COMMANDER-IN-CHIEF AT THE TIME 70 00:03:22,327 --> 00:03:27,081 DID NOT ATTEND AND PAY RESPECTS TO THE OFFICER WHO LAY IN STATE 71 00:03:27,165 --> 00:03:30,251 IN THE VERY BUILDING THAT HE DIED DEFENDING. 72 00:03:30,335 --> 00:03:36,507 >> STEPHEN: WOULDN'T PA HIS RESPECTS. 73 00:03:36,591 --> 00:03:37,759 I GUESS ALL HIS BLUE LIVES MATTER TALK WAS BULL, OR HE WAS 74 00:03:37,842 --> 00:03:38,968 JUST TALKIN' ABOUT THE SMURFS. 75 00:03:39,052 --> 00:03:41,012 CONGRESSMAN LIEU THEN SPELLED OUT THE VERY REAL CONSEQUENCES 76 00:03:41,095 --> 00:03:42,263 OF ACQUITTING NUMBER 45. 77 00:03:42,347 --> 00:03:44,265 >> YOU KNOW, I'M NOT AFRAID OF DONALD TRUMP RUNNING AGAIN IN 78 00:03:44,349 --> 00:03:45,683 FOUR YEARS. 79 00:03:45,767 --> 00:03:50,355 I'M AFRAID HE'S GOING TO RUN AGAIN AND LOSE. 80 00:03:50,438 --> 00:03:51,606 BECAUSE HE CAN DO THIS AGAIN. 81 00:03:51,689 --> 00:03:54,609 >> STEPHEN: YEAH, I'M NOT REALLY AFRAID OF HIM RUNNING EITHER. 82 00:03:54,692 --> 00:03:55,360 I'M REALLY AFRAID OF HIM SHAMBLING DOWN A RAMP WHILE HIS 83 00:03:55,443 --> 00:03:58,363 DERANGED GOONS GO PODIUM SHOPPING. 84 00:03:58,446 --> 00:04:02,325 THEN IT WAS TIME FOR COLORADO REPRESENTATIVE AND AUTHOR OF THE 85 00:04:02,408 --> 00:04:08,289 SELF HELP BOOK YOUR MOM JUST READ, DIANA DEGETTE. 86 00:04:08,373 --> 00:04:12,669 DeGETTE DRESSED THE REAL PURPOSE OF THIS TRIAL. 87 00:04:12,752 --> 00:04:15,296 >> IMPEACHMENT IS NOT TO PUNISH BUT TO PREVENT. 88 00:04:15,380 --> 00:04:16,464 WE ARE NOT HERE TO PUNISH DONALD TRUMP. 89 00:04:16,547 --> 00:04:20,343 WE ARE HERE TO PREVENT THE SEEDS OF HATRED HE PLANTED FROM 90 00:04:20,426 --> 00:04:25,181 BEARING ANY MORE FRUIT. 91 00:04:25,264 --> 00:04:30,228 >> THOUGH BASED ON HIS DIET, I'M PRETTY CONFIDENT THE LAST THING 92 00:04:30,311 --> 00:04:35,900 HE WANTS IS FRUIT. 93 00:04:35,984 --> 00:04:37,026 RASKIN EXPLAINED THE PRESIDENT'S RIOT SQUAD WAS NOTHING NEW. 94 00:04:37,110 --> 00:04:38,569 SOMETHING SIMILAR HAPPENED MONTHS BEFORE JANUARY 6 WHEN A 95 00:04:38,653 --> 00:04:43,366 MOB OVERTOOK THE MICHIGAN CAPITOL. 96 00:04:43,449 --> 00:04:49,580 >> THIS TRUMP-INSPIRED MOB MAY INDEED LOOK FAMILIAR TO YOU. 97 00:04:49,664 --> 00:04:54,711 CONFEDERATE BATTLE FLAGS, MAGA HATS, WEAPONS, CAMO ARMY GEAR. 98 00:04:54,794 --> 00:04:56,879 JUST LIKE THE INSURRECTIONISTS WHOSHOWED UP AND INVADED THIS 99 00:04:56,963 --> 00:05:00,717 CHAMBER ON JANUARY 6. 100 00:05:00,800 --> 00:05:04,178 >> STEPHEN: PROMPTING "US WEEKLY" TO ASK, "WHO TREASONED 101 00:05:04,262 --> 00:05:05,179 IT BETTER?" THEN JOAQUIN CASTRO REMINDED THE 102 00:05:05,263 --> 00:05:09,892 JURORS THAT DEMOCRACY TAKES WORK. 103 00:05:09,976 --> 00:05:12,895 >> THE WORLD IS WATCHING AND WONDERING WHETHER WE ARE WHO WE 104 00:05:12,979 --> 00:05:16,399 SAY WE ARE. 105 00:05:16,482 --> 00:05:19,360 WE MUST STAND UP FOR THE RULE OF LAW BECAUSE THE RULE OF LAW 106 00:05:19,444 --> 00:05:20,403 DOESN'T JUST STAND UP BY ITSELF. 107 00:05:20,486 --> 00:05:20,945 >> STEPHEN: THAT'S RIGHT. 108 00:05:21,029 --> 00:05:23,906 DEMOCRACY IS FRAGILE. 109 00:05:23,990 --> 00:05:24,407 IT NEEDS HELP TO STAND, LIKE A BABY DEER, OR A SUPER BOWL 110 00:05:24,490 --> 00:05:31,122 QUARTERBACK. 111 00:05:31,205 --> 00:05:32,915 MORE ON THAT LATER. 112 00:05:32,999 --> 00:05:35,043 AND EARLIER. 113 00:05:35,126 --> 00:05:36,419 RASKIN EVOKED A CONSERVATIVE ICON OF THE SUPREME COURT TO 114 00:05:36,502 --> 00:05:40,757 PROVE THAT THE FORMER PRESIDENT CAN'T USE THE FIRST AMENDMENT AS 115 00:05:40,840 --> 00:05:41,716 AN EXCUSE. 116 00:05:41,799 --> 00:05:44,927 >> JUSTICE SCALIA GOT IT EXACTLY RIGHT ON THIS. 117 00:05:45,011 --> 00:05:48,264 HE WROTE ON THESE CASES ABOUT HOW THE FIRST AMENDMENT AFFECTS 118 00:05:48,347 --> 00:05:50,892 PEOPLE WHO TAKE ON A PUBLIC OFFICE, WHO TAKE ON PUBLIC 119 00:05:50,975 --> 00:05:52,935 EMPLOYMENT. 120 00:05:53,019 --> 00:05:54,937 AND HE SUMMED IT UP LIKE THIS. 121 00:05:55,021 --> 00:05:56,939 HE SAID, "YOU CANNOT RIDE WITH THE COPS BUT ROOT FOR THE 122 00:05:57,023 --> 00:05:58,483 ROBBERS." 123 00:05:58,566 --> 00:06:00,985 >> STEPHEN: A GOOD ANALOGY, BUT LET ME PUT IT IN TERMS THE 124 00:06:01,069 --> 00:06:04,822 FORMER PRESIDENT CAN UNDERSTAND: YOU CAN'T RIDE WITH RONALD 125 00:06:04,906 --> 00:06:08,951 MCDONALD AND ROOT FOR THE HAMBURGLAR. 126 00:06:09,035 --> 00:06:11,662 LATER, RASKIN POSED A QUESTION DIRECTLY TO THE DEFENSE. 127 00:06:11,746 --> 00:06:15,458 >> I'LL ADD A LEGAL QUESTION THAT I HOPE HIS COUNCIL WILL 128 00:06:15,541 --> 00:06:16,959 ADDRESS. 129 00:06:17,043 --> 00:06:20,421 IF A PRESIDENT DID INVITE THE VIOLENT INSURRECTION AGAINST OUR 130 00:06:20,505 --> 00:06:24,801 GOVERNMENT, AS WE ALLEGE AND THINK WE HAVE PROVEN IN THIS 131 00:06:24,884 --> 00:06:28,971 CASE, BUT IN GENERAL, IF THE PRESIDENT INCITED A VIOLENT 132 00:06:29,055 --> 00:06:32,100 INSURRECTION AGAINST OUR GOVERNMENT, WOULD THAT BE A HIGH 133 00:06:32,183 --> 00:06:33,017 CRIME AND MISDEMEANOR? 134 00:06:33,101 --> 00:06:36,979 >> STEPHEN: MAN, HE ACTUALLY HAD TO ASK THAT! 135 00:06:37,063 --> 00:06:38,981 THE BAR'S GOTTEN SO LOW. 136 00:06:39,065 --> 00:06:40,983 AND SOMEONE SHOULD PICK IT UP QUICK BEFORE A PROUD BOY USES IT 137 00:06:41,067 --> 00:06:42,610 TO BEAT A COP. 138 00:06:42,693 --> 00:06:47,406 AND HE CLOSED WITH AN APPEAL TO THE SENATORS. 139 00:06:47,490 --> 00:06:52,995 >> OUR FRIENDS MUST WORK TO ANSWER THE OVERWHELMING, 140 00:06:53,079 --> 00:06:56,999 DETAILED, SPECIFIC, FACTUAL AND DOCUMENTARY EVIDENCE WE'VE 141 00:06:57,083 --> 00:07:00,503 INTRODUCED OF THE PRESIDENT'S CLEAR AND OVERWHELMING GUILT 142 00:07:00,586 --> 00:07:06,884 INCITING VIOLENT INSURRECTION AGAINST THE UNION. 143 00:07:06,968 --> 00:07:10,513 >> Stephen: AGAINST THE UNION. 144 00:07:10,596 --> 00:07:11,722 NOT ONLY IS HE POWERFULLY EVOKING THE CIVIL WAR, BUT HE'S 145 00:07:11,806 --> 00:07:17,019 MAKING A CLEAR REFERENCE THAT THE FORMER PRESIDENT NEVER TRIED 146 00:07:17,103 --> 00:07:18,104 TO PRESERVE A UNION. 147 00:07:18,187 --> 00:07:21,023 CONGRESSMAN NEGUSE REMINDED EVERYONE THAT THE FORMER 148 00:07:21,107 --> 00:07:26,654 PRESIDENT VERY CLEARLY TOLD US WHERE HIS ALLEGIANCE LAY. 149 00:07:26,737 --> 00:07:33,035 >> WHEN THEY, THE POLICE, STILL BARRICADED AND BEING ATTACKED 150 00:07:33,119 --> 00:07:40,209 WITH POLES, HE SAID IN HIS VIDEO, TO THE PEOPLE ATTACKING 151 00:07:40,293 --> 00:07:41,043 THEM, "WE LOVE YOU. 152 00:07:41,127 --> 00:07:49,051 YOU ARE VERY SPECIAL." 153 00:07:49,135 --> 00:07:53,055 WHAT MORE COULD WE POSSIBLY NEED TO KNOW ABOUT PRESIDENT TRUMP'S 154 00:07:53,139 --> 00:07:54,682 STATE OF MIND? 155 00:07:54,765 --> 00:07:57,059 >> STEPHEN: MAYBE, HOW MUCH THIS COULD'VE ALL BEEN AVOIDED IF HIS 156 00:07:57,143 --> 00:08:00,062 DAD HAD EVER HUGGED HIM? 157 00:08:00,146 --> 00:08:03,399 NEGUSE CLOSED BY SAYING THIS ISN'T JUST ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED 158 00:08:03,482 --> 00:08:09,113 IN JANUARY, IT'S WHAT MIGHT HAPPEN IN THE FUTURE. 159 00:08:09,197 --> 00:08:13,242 >> WE HUMBLY, HUMBLY ASK YOU TO CONVICT PRESIDENT TRUMP FOR THE 160 00:08:13,326 --> 00:08:21,125 CRIME FOR WHICH HE IS OVERWHELMINGLY GUILTY OF. 161 00:08:21,209 --> 00:08:29,091 BECAUSE IF YOU DON'T, IF WE PRETEND THIS DIDN'T HAPPEN-- 162 00:08:29,175 --> 00:08:32,595 OR WORSE, IF WE LET IT GO UNANSWERED-- WHO'S TO SAY IT 163 00:08:32,678 --> 00:08:36,599 WON'T HAPPEN AGAIN? 164 00:08:36,682 --> 00:08:38,726 >> STEPHEN: IF WE DON'T STOP HIM, IT WILL HAPPEN AGAIN. 165 00:08:38,809 --> 00:08:40,478 IT DID HAPPEN AGAIN, BECAUSE THIS IS HOW ADAM SCHIFF CLOSED 166 00:08:40,561 --> 00:08:44,106 OUT THE LAST IMPEACHMENT! 167 00:08:44,190 --> 00:08:46,609 >> YOU CAN'T TRUST THIS PRESIDENT TO DO THE RIGHT THING, 168 00:08:46,692 --> 00:08:47,777 NOT FOR ONE MINUTE. 169 00:08:47,860 --> 00:08:50,780 HE HAS BETRAYED OUR NATIONAL SECURITY AND HE WILL DO SO 170 00:08:50,863 --> 00:08:51,989 AGAIN. 171 00:08:52,073 --> 00:08:54,492 HE HAS COMPROMISED OUR ELECTIONS AND HE WILL DO SO AGAIN. 172 00:08:54,575 --> 00:08:56,953 YOU WILL NOT CHANGE HIM. 173 00:08:57,036 --> 00:08:57,370 YOU CANNOT CONSTRAIN HIM. 174 00:08:57,453 --> 00:09:00,831 HE IS WHO HE IS. 175 00:09:00,915 --> 00:09:04,627 >> STEPHEN: I TAKE NO PLEASURE IN PLAYING THAT CLIP. 176 00:09:04,710 --> 00:09:07,338 I TAKE NO PLEASURE IN PLAYING CONGRESSMAN NEGUSE'S CLIP. 177 00:09:07,421 --> 00:09:09,674 AND I'LL TAKE NO PLEASURE PLAYING THE CLIP NEXT YEAR WHEN 178 00:09:09,757 --> 00:09:12,343 THEY'RE TRYING THE EX-PRESIDENT FOR SENDING SUPPORTERS TO SACK 179 00:09:12,426 --> 00:09:15,471 DISNEY WORLD SO HE CAN MOVE INTO CINDERELLA'S CASTLE AND DECLARE 180 00:09:15,554 --> 00:09:19,600 HIMSELF "THE EMPEROR OF FANTASYLAND." 181 00:09:19,684 --> 00:09:25,231 ONE THING ALL THE HOUSE MANAGERS SEEMED TO HAVE IN COMMON: THE 182 00:09:25,314 --> 00:09:29,527 -- TODAY, ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY WERE CLOSING, IS THEY 183 00:09:29,610 --> 00:09:32,655 WEREN'T GRANDSTANDING FOR THEIR OWN EGO. 184 00:09:32,738 --> 00:09:36,492 THEY WERE SINCERELY, DESPERATELY TRYING TO MAKE A HUMAN 185 00:09:36,575 --> 00:09:40,663 CONNECTION AS FELLOW CITIZENS TO THE REPUBLICAN SENATORS IN THAT 186 00:09:40,746 --> 00:09:45,167 GALLERY AND CONVINCE THEM TO PUT COUNTRY BEFORE PARTY. 187 00:09:45,251 --> 00:09:48,296 SO, DOOMED FROM THE START. 188 00:09:48,379 --> 00:09:49,630 BECAUSE AFTER WATCHING THE HORRIFIC IMAGES AND DAMNING 189 00:09:49,714 --> 00:09:52,550 TIMELINE FROM YESTERDAY'S PRESENTATION, SENATE REPUBLICANS 190 00:09:52,633 --> 00:09:57,013 ARE DOING EXACTLY WHAT THEY DID ON JANUARY 6: RUNNING AWAY FROM 191 00:09:57,096 --> 00:09:58,180 WHAT THEY HELPED CREATE. 192 00:09:58,264 --> 00:10:01,183 TAKE SOUTH CAROLINA SENATOR AND PILLSBURY PROUD BOY, LINDSEY 193 00:10:01,267 --> 00:10:03,352 GRAHAM. 194 00:10:03,436 --> 00:10:05,396 AFTER YESTERDAY'S SESSION, GRAHAM HAD THIS REVIEW: 195 00:10:05,479 --> 00:10:09,525 >> I THINK MOST REPUBLICANS FOUND THE PRESENTATION BY THE 196 00:10:09,608 --> 00:10:11,569 HOUSE MANAGERS OFFENSIVE AND ABSURD. 197 00:10:11,652 --> 00:10:12,737 >> STEPHEN: (AS GRAHAM) "THAT MATERIAL WAS OFFENSIVE AND 198 00:10:12,820 --> 00:10:17,199 ABSURD! 199 00:10:17,283 --> 00:10:21,203 I HEARD SWEARS, I SAW THE Q-SHAMAN'S NIPPLES! 200 00:10:21,287 --> 00:10:25,207 A GENTLEMAN WOULD PUT ON A PAIR OF SLACKS AND A POLO SHIRT 201 00:10:25,291 --> 00:10:29,045 BEFORE POOPIN' IN THE ROTUNDA." 202 00:10:29,128 --> 00:10:33,215 GRAHAM ALSO HIT THE G.O.P.'S FAVORITE NEW TALKING POINT: 203 00:10:33,299 --> 00:10:37,178 MAYBE TRYING TO MURDER NANCY PELOSI WAS ALL NANCY PELOSI'S 204 00:10:37,261 --> 00:10:38,888 FAULT. 205 00:10:38,971 --> 00:10:41,182 >> HERE'S WHAT I WANT TO KNOW: WHAT DID NANCY PELOSI KNOW AND 206 00:10:41,265 --> 00:10:43,893 WHEN DID SHE KNOW IT? 207 00:10:43,976 --> 00:10:47,855 IF IT WAS WIDELY KNOWN BY THE F.B.I. AND THE CAPITOL HILL 208 00:10:47,938 --> 00:10:50,608 POLICE PEOPLE WERE PLANNING TO COME TO WASHINGTON BEFORE THE 209 00:10:50,691 --> 00:10:52,902 SIXTH, TO CREATE VIOLENCE, I WANT TO KNOW, DID SHE IS KNOW 210 00:10:52,985 --> 00:10:53,944 ABOUT THAT? 211 00:10:54,028 --> 00:10:57,198 >> STEPHEN: AND WITH THIS ARGUMENT, GRAHAM JOINS A 212 00:10:57,281 --> 00:11:00,409 PANTHEON OF OTHER REPUBLICANS TRYING TO PIN THE CAPITOL RIOT 213 00:11:00,493 --> 00:11:01,619 ON SPEAKER PELOSI. 214 00:11:01,702 --> 00:11:06,248 IT'S JUST GOOD TO KNOW THAT THE G.O.P. HAS CONDUCTED THEIR OW 215 00:11:06,332 --> 00:11:10,252 INVESTIGATION, AND AFTER CLOSE, FORENSIC RECONSTRUCTION OF THE 216 00:11:10,336 --> 00:11:13,255 EVENTS OF THAT DAY, THEY DISCOVERED: THERE'S A WOMAN TO 217 00:11:13,339 --> 00:11:16,258 BLAME! 218 00:11:16,342 --> 00:11:17,426 MA-HA! 219 00:11:17,510 --> 00:11:18,469 ANOTHER COMPLETE DUMB-ASS IS FLORIDA SENATOR AND PET PYTHON 220 00:11:18,552 --> 00:11:21,263 WATCHING A MOUSE DROP INTO THE TERRARIUM, RICK SCOTT. 221 00:11:21,347 --> 00:11:25,267 SCOTT WAS ONE OF THE SEDITIONIST SYMPATHIZERS WHO VOTED TO THROW 222 00:11:25,351 --> 00:11:28,979 OUT THE ELECTION RESULTS, AND AFTER VIEWING THE EXPLICIT 223 00:11:29,063 --> 00:11:31,774 VIDEOS OF THE ATTACK YESTERDAY, SCOTT CALLED THE TRIAL, "A 224 00:11:31,857 --> 00:11:33,275 COMPLETE WASTE OF TIME." 225 00:11:33,359 --> 00:11:37,279 BUT HE DOES BELIEVE THERE SHOULD BE SOME CONSEQUENCES, SAYING, "I 226 00:11:37,363 --> 00:11:40,991 HOPE EVERYBODY THAT CAME INTO THE CAPITOL AND DID THE WRONG 227 00:11:41,075 --> 00:11:42,785 THING GETS PROSECUTED TO THE FULL EXTENT OF LAW." 228 00:11:42,868 --> 00:11:45,246 OKAY, YOU HEARD THE MAN. 229 00:11:45,329 --> 00:11:47,998 SOMEBODY ARREST RICK SCOTT! 230 00:11:48,082 --> 00:11:52,962 MIGHT WANT TO USE ONE OF THOSE LONG POLES AND PIN HIS HEAD DOWN 231 00:11:53,045 --> 00:11:56,424 FIRST AND WRAP AROUND YOUR ARM. 232 00:11:56,507 --> 00:11:57,633 ANOTHER LAWMAKER WHO BLEW OFF THE PROCEEDINGS WAS MISSOURI 233 00:11:57,716 --> 00:12:01,262 SENATOR AND SURFER SAYING "HANG TEN MIKE PENCES," JOSH HAWLEY. 234 00:12:01,345 --> 00:12:04,932 LAST NIGHT, AFTER THE HOUSE MANAGERS' PRESENTATION, HAWLEY 235 00:12:05,015 --> 00:12:06,934 SAID THIS: >> I THINK THAT IT'S, THERE'S 236 00:12:07,017 --> 00:12:08,978 NOTHING NEW HERE. 237 00:12:09,061 --> 00:12:09,979 >> STEPHEN: YOU'RE A JUROR! 238 00:12:10,062 --> 00:12:13,315 EVIDENCE DOESN'T HAVE TO BE NEW TO BE DAMNING. 239 00:12:13,399 --> 00:12:14,817 "UM, THEY SAID IT WAS ARSON AT THE TOP OF THE TRIAL. 240 00:12:14,900 --> 00:12:17,153 WHY ARE THEY SHOWING US ALL THESE PICTURES OF BURNING 241 00:12:17,236 --> 00:12:17,445 BUILDINGS? 242 00:12:17,528 --> 00:12:21,991 BORING! 243 00:12:22,074 --> 00:12:28,831 COME ON, GIVE ME ONE BABY YODA UP IN THIS THING! 244 00:12:28,914 --> 00:12:31,959 NOBODY HAS CLAWS! 245 00:12:32,042 --> 00:12:33,836 WHERE'S THANOS? 246 00:12:33,919 --> 00:12:34,920 WAA! 247 00:12:35,004 --> 00:12:35,754 IT'S NO SURPRISE HAWLEY AND OTHER REPUBLICAN SENATORS 248 00:12:35,838 --> 00:12:36,839 WEREN'T MOVED BY YESTERDAY'S EVIDENCE. 249 00:12:36,922 --> 00:12:39,633 THEY WEREN'T PAYING ATTENTION! 250 00:12:39,717 --> 00:12:41,343 IN FACT, RAND PAUL WAS SPOTTED TRACING THE WATERMARK OF THE 251 00:12:41,427 --> 00:12:44,680 CAPITOL ON A LEGAL PAD, TIM SCOTT APPEARED TO READ A 252 00:12:44,763 --> 00:12:49,018 MAGAZINE ARTICLE, CINDY HYDE-SMITH GAZED AT A 2021 253 00:12:49,101 --> 00:12:50,478 CALENDAR, AND RICK SCOTT WAS STUDYING WHAT APPEARED TO BE A 254 00:12:50,561 --> 00:12:51,020 MAP OF SOUTHEAST ASIA. 255 00:12:51,103 --> 00:12:52,730 (AS RICK SCOTT) "HUH! 256 00:12:52,813 --> 00:12:57,318 THEY GOT LOTS OF FLORIDAS OVER THERE. 257 00:12:57,401 --> 00:12:58,360 THIS ONE'S CALLED MALL-ASIA. 258 00:12:58,444 --> 00:13:07,912 I WONDER WHAT LANGUAGE THEIR MICKEY MOUSE SPEAKS!" 259 00:13:07,995 --> 00:13:11,207 BUT THERE'S STILL PLENTY OF HEART-WRENCHING TESTIMONY TO GO, 260 00:13:11,290 --> 00:13:13,375 AND YOU CAN ONLY READ SO MANY CALENDARS BEFORE THEY START TO 261 00:13:13,459 --> 00:13:14,585 GET REPETITIVE. 262 00:13:14,668 --> 00:13:16,003 LUCKILY, THERE'S A NEW PRODUCT TO HELP THESE REPUBLICANS TUNE 263 00:13:16,086 --> 00:13:17,379 IT ALL OUT. 264 00:13:17,463 --> 00:13:20,716 JIM? 265 00:13:20,799 --> 00:13:21,967 ♪ ♪ 266 00:13:22,051 --> 00:13:25,387 >> TODAY, EVEN THE MOST PARTISAN SENATOR CAN FIND IT CHALLENGING 267 00:13:25,471 --> 00:13:33,395 TO IGNORE DAMNING TESTIMONY. 268 00:13:33,479 --> 00:13:34,563 HELLO. 269 00:13:34,647 --> 00:13:38,859 I'M MENDELSEAN SOUND TECHNICIAN FOR QUADRUPLE, INTRODUCING 270 00:13:38,943 --> 00:13:40,110 CONSCIENCE-CANCELING HEADPHONES. 271 00:13:40,194 --> 00:13:44,532 THE ONLY HEADPHONES THAT CANCEL BOTH AMBIENT NOISE AND YOUR OWN 272 00:13:44,615 --> 00:13:45,866 SENSE OF WHAT'S RIGHT. 273 00:13:45,950 --> 00:13:49,912 THESE ARE BEAUTIFULLY DESIGNED WITH AN ATTRACTIVE MESH STITCHED 274 00:13:49,995 --> 00:13:52,623 "R" FOR REPUBLICAN. 275 00:13:52,706 --> 00:13:57,795 HERE'S HOW THEY WORK -- THE HEADPHONES USE ULTRA SENSITIVE 276 00:13:57,878 --> 00:14:01,924 MICROPHONES TO LOCATE THE TINY VOICE OF REASON IN YOUR HEAD. 277 00:14:02,007 --> 00:14:06,929 THEY SUBDUE IT, WHIP IT INTO SUBMISSION UNTIL ITS BUTT IS SO 278 00:14:07,012 --> 00:14:09,598 SHINY YOU CAN SEE YOUR FACE IN IT. 279 00:14:09,682 --> 00:14:10,599 THERE IS NO SAFE WORD. 280 00:14:10,683 --> 00:14:15,437 AND FOR OUR BUDGET-CONSCIOUS SENATORS, TRY OUR MORE 281 00:14:15,521 --> 00:14:17,940 AFFORDABLE EARBUD VERSION. 282 00:14:18,023 --> 00:14:23,112 BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH. 283 00:14:23,195 --> 00:14:26,448 SO PICK UP CONSCIENCE-CANCELING HEADPHONES TODAY AND WALL LOW IN 284 00:14:26,532 --> 00:14:29,285 THE SWEET SOUNDS OF IGNORANCE. 285 00:14:29,368 --> 00:14:30,953 >> STEPHEN: WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT. 286 00:14:31,036 --> 00:14:33,622 MY GUEST IS COUNTRY MUSIC SUPERSTAR BLAKE SHELTON, 287 00:14:33,706 --> 00:14:37,459 AND I SHARE THE SEASON'S HOTTEST VALENTINE'S DAY CARDS WITH 288 00:14:37,543 --> 00:14:39,003 MY SPECIAL GUEST, EVIE COLBERT. 289 00:14:39,086 --> 00:14:42,339 BUT WHEN WE RETURN, "MEANWHILE." 290 00:14:42,423 --> 00:14:44,174 STICK AROUND. 291 00:14:44,258 --> 00:14:44,633 ♪♪♪ 292 00:15:05,195 --> 00:15:11,285 ♪♪♪ >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY! 293 00:15:13,078 --> 00:15:14,830 WELCOME BACK TO "A LATE SHOW." 294 00:15:14,913 --> 00:15:16,665 LET'S SAY HI TO JON BATISTE. 295 00:15:16,749 --> 00:15:17,374 HELLO, JON. 296 00:15:17,458 --> 00:15:18,792 >> Jon: HELLO, STEPHEN. 297 00:15:18,876 --> 00:15:19,543 HOW YOU DOING? 298 00:15:19,627 --> 00:15:20,836 >> Stephen: I'M DOING REALLY WELL. 299 00:15:20,919 --> 00:15:23,672 YOU KNOW, WE'RE NOT ACTUALLY -- WE'RE OFF NEXT WEEK. 300 00:15:23,756 --> 00:15:24,840 >> Jon: RIGHT. 301 00:15:24,923 --> 00:15:26,467 >> Stephen: SO WE'RE NOT GOING TO BE HERE TO TALK ABOUT IT, I 302 00:15:26,550 --> 00:15:27,635 WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT NOW. 303 00:15:27,718 --> 00:15:31,013 YOU AND THE BAND AND SOME OTHER BANDS AROUND THE WORLD ARE 304 00:15:31,096 --> 00:15:36,352 PUTTING TOGETHER THIS AMAZING CARNIVAL MARDI GRAS MUSICAL 305 00:15:36,435 --> 00:15:39,980 PIECE THAT I SAW TODAY THAT'S FANTASTIC. 306 00:15:40,064 --> 00:15:40,856 TELL ME ABOUT THIS THING. 307 00:15:40,939 --> 00:15:44,360 WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE YOU'RE PLAYING WITH? 308 00:15:44,443 --> 00:15:47,196 >> WE'RE PLAYING WITH K OH SS. 309 00:15:47,279 --> 00:15:53,202 AT AND CHARLES AND GREAT MUSICIANS DOING "IS A VA NA 310 00:15:53,285 --> 00:16:00,042 GRASS" THE SONG OF CARNIVAL LAST YEAR AND A QUARTET FROM BRAZIL, 311 00:16:00,125 --> 00:16:05,089 SANTOS WHO IS FEATURED IN THERE DOING TRADITIONAL BRAZIL MUSIC 312 00:16:05,172 --> 00:16:11,220 FROM CARNIVAL. 313 00:16:11,303 --> 00:16:14,348 WE CAN'T BE TOGETHER FOR CARNIVAL THIS YEAR, BUT THIS IS 314 00:16:14,431 --> 00:16:15,557 THE BEST WE'RE GOING TO GET. 315 00:16:15,641 --> 00:16:16,266 >> Stephen: I HEARD THIS. 316 00:16:16,350 --> 00:16:18,394 IT WILL COME OUT ON MARDI GRAS. 317 00:16:18,477 --> 00:16:19,561 >> THAT'S RIGHT. 318 00:16:19,645 --> 00:16:22,314 >> Stephen: WE'LL POINT IT OUT ON SOCIAL MEDIA, BUT PLEASE 319 00:16:22,398 --> 00:16:23,148 CHECK IT OUT. 320 00:16:23,232 --> 00:16:26,235 I LISTENED TO IT TODAY AND I LEVITATED. 321 00:16:26,318 --> 00:16:27,111 OFF THE GROUND. 322 00:16:27,194 --> 00:16:30,030 YOU COULD HAVE PASSED A HOOP UNDERNEATH ME. 323 00:16:30,114 --> 00:16:31,615 >> Jon: YEAH, RIGHT. 324 00:16:31,699 --> 00:16:35,202 >> Stephen: WELL, JON, GIVE ME A LASTLA LITTLE DAYS BEFORE WE 325 00:16:35,285 --> 00:16:38,580 GO OFF INTO YOUR LITTLE MARDI GRAS WEEK. 326 00:16:38,664 --> 00:16:39,081 WHAT HAVE YOU GOT? 327 00:16:39,164 --> 00:16:41,083 >> Jon: YES, INDEED. 328 00:16:41,166 --> 00:16:51,802 ♪♪♪ >> Stephen: JON BATISTE, 329 00:16:51,885 --> 00:16:52,386 EVERYBODY. 330 00:16:52,469 --> 00:16:52,886 THANKS, JON, STAY SAFE. 331 00:16:52,970 --> 00:16:55,222 >> Jon: YES, INDEED. 332 00:16:55,305 --> 00:16:58,976 >> Stephen: FOLKS, YOU KNOW I SPEND MOST OF MY TIME 333 00:16:59,059 --> 00:17:01,103 SCOUTING THE WORLD FOR THE MOST HIGHLY-TRAINED AND TOPICAL 334 00:17:01,186 --> 00:17:02,730 BALLERINAS, BUILDING STATE-OF-THE-ART SETS, ADDING 335 00:17:02,813 --> 00:17:08,944 DRAMATIC CUTTING-EDGE LIGHTING, AND A VIRTUOSIC 110-PIECE 336 00:17:09,028 --> 00:17:10,446 ORCHESTRA TO MOUNT FOR YOU THE EPIC PRODUCTION OF "SWAN LAKE" 337 00:17:10,529 --> 00:17:13,198 THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE. 338 00:17:13,282 --> 00:17:17,161 BUT SOMETIMES, SOMETIMES I LIKE TO HOP IN MY BUSTED OUT R.V., 339 00:17:17,244 --> 00:17:21,123 SLAM SOME AMYL NITRITE POPPERS, AND TROLL AROUND LUMBER YARDS 340 00:17:21,206 --> 00:17:22,958 FOR EX-CON LOGROLLERS, SET-UP A DISCARDED BOOM BOX WITH A MIAMI 341 00:17:23,041 --> 00:17:29,089 SOUND MACHINE TAPE STUCK INSIDE IT, PROMISE THE BOYS A FREE HOT 342 00:17:29,173 --> 00:17:32,092 DOG AND A SCRATCH-OFF, SO I CAN CHARGE BOARDWALK TOURISTS A 343 00:17:32,176 --> 00:17:34,178 NICKLE A POP TO WATCH THE HOBO ZUMBA CLASS OF NEWS THAT IS MY 344 00:17:34,261 --> 00:17:41,143 SEGMENT: "QUARANTINE-WHILE!" 345 00:17:41,226 --> 00:17:45,481 QUARANTINE-WHILE, EVER SINCE WINNING HIS SEVENTH SUPER BOWL 346 00:17:45,564 --> 00:17:49,193 ON SUNDAY, TOM BRADY HAS BEEN DOING EXACTLY WHAT YOU THINK HE 347 00:17:49,276 --> 00:17:53,155 IS: EXISTING IN A THEORETICAL PLASMA STATE BETWEEN HUMAN AND 348 00:17:53,238 --> 00:17:55,783 PURE ALCOHOL. 349 00:17:55,866 --> 00:17:57,159 NOW, GIVEN WHAT WE KNOW ABOUT HIS EXTREMELY STRICT NUTRITION 350 00:17:57,242 --> 00:18:01,497 REGIMEN, YOU MIGHT ASSUME HE GOT THAT HAMMERED JUST BY WALKING 351 00:18:01,580 --> 00:18:04,458 PAST THE COUGH SYRUP AISLE AT CVS. 352 00:18:04,541 --> 00:18:08,504 BUT I HAPPEN TO KNOW FROM PERSONAL EXPERIENCE THAT TOM 353 00:18:08,587 --> 00:18:10,672 BRADY CAN DELIVER BOOZE TO HIS OWN BODY LIKE IT'S FOURTH AND 354 00:18:10,756 --> 00:18:15,719 GOAL AND HIS STOMACH IS ROB GRONKOWSKI. 355 00:18:15,803 --> 00:18:17,262 SO, I ASSUME, FOR FOUR STRAIGHT DAYS, HE'S BEEN CONSUMING 356 00:18:17,346 --> 00:18:20,224 MARGARITAS VIA GATORADE SHOWER. 357 00:18:20,307 --> 00:18:23,852 BUT THE BRADY FOOTAGE EVERYONE IS REALLY TALKING ABOUT IS OF 358 00:18:23,936 --> 00:18:28,148 HIM, AND HIS TEAMMATES PARTYING ON SEPARATE BOOZE BARGES 359 00:18:28,232 --> 00:18:32,027 AND BRADY'S HAIL MARY PASS OF THE LOMBARDI TROPHY OVER THE 360 00:18:32,110 --> 00:18:41,203 WATER TO BUCS TIGHT END CAMERON BRATE. 361 00:18:41,286 --> 00:18:43,330 >> OH! 362 00:18:43,413 --> 00:18:45,207 ( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERING ) 363 00:18:45,290 --> 00:18:49,211 ( HORN BLOWING ) >> Stephen: THAT IS RISKY! 364 00:18:49,294 --> 00:18:50,754 THE LOMBARDI COULD'VE WOUND UP AT THE BOTTOM OF THE RIVER. 365 00:18:50,838 --> 00:18:51,880 REACHED FOR COMMENT, BRADY SAID "WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL? 366 00:18:51,964 --> 00:18:54,132 EVERYONE HAS LIKE SIX MORE OF THESE, RIGHT?" 367 00:18:54,216 --> 00:18:57,344 THOUGH I GOTTA SAY, I PERSONALLY WOULD FIND FOOTBALL A LOT MORE 368 00:18:57,427 --> 00:19:00,347 COMPELLING IF, INSTEAD OF A BALL, THOSE QUARTERBACKS WERE 369 00:19:00,430 --> 00:19:01,348 DRILLING THEIR RECEIVERS WITH A TOP-HEAVY SEVEN-POUND HUNK OF 370 00:19:01,431 --> 00:19:03,684 POINTY METAL. 371 00:19:03,767 --> 00:19:04,268 KICKERS WOULD BE ON THE SIDELINES PRAYING "DON'T GET 372 00:19:04,351 --> 00:19:05,060 WITHIN FIELD GOAL RANGE! 373 00:19:05,144 --> 00:19:09,356 DON'T GET WITHIN FIELD GOAL RANGE!" 374 00:19:09,439 --> 00:19:13,360 QUARANTINE-WHILE, HOT MALE POLITICIANS GETTING VACCINATED 375 00:19:13,443 --> 00:19:16,113 IS 2021'S STRANGEST THIRST TRAP. 376 00:19:16,196 --> 00:19:17,406 WRONG. 377 00:19:17,489 --> 00:19:19,241 THIS YEAR'S STRANGEST THIRST TRAP IS THE MOUNTAIN DEW MAJOR 378 00:19:19,324 --> 00:19:21,201 MELON SUPERBOWL AD. 379 00:19:21,285 --> 00:19:21,827 IT LEFT ME DEEPLY CONFUSED. 380 00:19:21,910 --> 00:19:27,916 DO I WANT TO DRINK THIS DOG? 381 00:19:28,000 --> 00:19:29,334 BUT PEOPLE ARE INTO PICS OF HOT EUROPEAN POLITICIANS GETTING THE 382 00:19:29,418 --> 00:19:37,301 COVID VACCINE, LIKE GREEK PRIME MINISTER KYRIAKOS MITSOTAKIS, 383 00:19:37,384 --> 00:19:40,971 AND CROATIAN FINANCE MINISTER ZDRAVKO MARICH, SEEN HERE AS 384 00:19:41,054 --> 00:19:42,431 DOCTORS TRY TO FIND A NEEDLE SHARP ENOUGH TO PENETRATE THAT 385 00:19:42,514 --> 00:19:44,474 TRICEP. 386 00:19:44,558 --> 00:19:47,519 ARE THEY TRYING TO FIND A CURE FOR DELTOIDS? 387 00:19:47,603 --> 00:19:48,770 AND WHAT IS WITH THAT LIGHTING? 388 00:19:48,854 --> 00:19:49,396 THIS LOOKS LIKE A ONE MAN SHOW ABOUT A GUY WHO WAS TOO SEXY TO 389 00:19:49,479 --> 00:19:51,940 BE FINANCE MINISTER. 390 00:19:52,024 --> 00:19:54,192 I BET THAT DOCTOR IS TAKING HIS TIME WITH THAT SWAB. 391 00:19:54,276 --> 00:20:01,408 "JUST SO YOU KNOW, THE BEST WAY TO STERILIZE THE AREA IS FOR ME 392 00:20:01,491 --> 00:20:02,993 TO GENTLY SQUEEZE IT." 393 00:20:03,076 --> 00:20:05,412 OH, YEAH, WE'RE ALMOST THERE. 394 00:20:05,495 --> 00:20:09,416 BUT THE GUY WHO STARTED IT ALL WAS FRENCH HEALTH MINISTER 395 00:20:09,499 --> 00:20:13,420 OLIVIER VERAN, WHO TWEETED THIS PIC OF HIMSELF WITH ONLY THE 396 00:20:13,503 --> 00:20:16,965 WORD "VACCINEÉ." 397 00:20:17,049 --> 00:20:21,136 A GREAT PUBLIC HEALTH MESSAGE AND GOOD P.R. FOR THE LAUNCH OF 398 00:20:21,219 --> 00:20:22,137 HIS NEW FRAGRANCE "VACCINEÉ." 399 00:20:22,221 --> 00:20:22,679 THE ONLY THING CONTAGIOUS NOW... 400 00:20:22,763 --> 00:20:26,808 IS PASSION. 401 00:20:26,892 --> 00:20:31,772 ( IN FRENCH ACCENT ) CONTINUE ON... 402 00:20:31,855 --> 00:20:33,357 QUARANTINE-WHILE, IT'S BLACK HISTORY MONTH AND SOME PROGRESS 403 00:20:33,440 --> 00:20:37,361 IS BEING DRIZZLED ON A STACK OF INJUSTICE BECAUSE PEPSI-CO, INC. 404 00:20:37,444 --> 00:20:41,990 HAS ANNOUNCED IT IS RE-BRANDING AUNT JEMIMA TO "PEARL MILLING 405 00:20:42,074 --> 00:20:42,407 COMPANY." 406 00:20:42,491 --> 00:20:45,285 THAT IS BORING. 407 00:20:45,369 --> 00:20:47,329 TRULY, THE "WASHINGTON FOOTBALL TEAM" OF PANCAKE MIX. 408 00:20:47,412 --> 00:20:49,331 THAT COULDN'T BE MORE DULL IF THEY'D NAMED IT "THE 409 00:20:49,414 --> 00:20:51,458 CONSOLIDATED BREAKFAST CONSORTIUM AND GLOBAL PANCAKE 410 00:20:51,541 --> 00:20:55,963 INDUSTRIES, L.L.C. MIXABLE MORNING PASTE." 411 00:20:56,046 --> 00:20:57,339 THE NAME COMES FROM THE 19TH-CENTURY BUSINESS THAT 412 00:20:57,422 --> 00:20:59,925 CREATED THE ORIGINAL PANCAKE MIX. 413 00:21:00,008 --> 00:21:01,468 CAN WE TAKE ANOTHER LOOK AT THE NEW LOGO? 414 00:21:01,551 --> 00:21:05,514 OKAY, THEY KEPT THE SAME COLOR SCHEME AND FONT SIZE, WAIT A 415 00:21:05,597 --> 00:21:08,475 SEC, CAN WE ZOOM IN TO THE RIGHT CORNER? 416 00:21:08,558 --> 00:21:09,685 JUMPIN JEHOSHAPHAT! 417 00:21:09,768 --> 00:21:13,480 IT STILL SAYS AUNT JEMIMA ON THE BOX, AND SAYS "NEW NAME, SAME 418 00:21:13,563 --> 00:21:17,234 GREAT TASTE." 419 00:21:17,317 --> 00:21:19,361 SO, SHE'S FORCED TO REMAIN IN ORDER TO EARN THE COMPANY MONEY? 420 00:21:19,444 --> 00:21:22,322 DOES THAT ARRANGEMENT RING ANY BELLS? 421 00:21:22,406 --> 00:21:26,076 YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO REMOVE THE BAD THING, NOT REMIND US OF IT. 422 00:21:26,159 --> 00:21:28,370 THAT'S LIKE IF AFTER THE CIVIL RIGHTS MOVEMENT THEY CHANGED THE 423 00:21:28,453 --> 00:21:30,580 SIGNS TO SAY, "NEW, INCLUSIVE WATER FOUNTAIN, SAME WHITES 424 00:21:30,664 --> 00:21:36,336 ONLY FLAVOR!" QUARANTINE-WHILE, "HUSTLER 425 00:21:36,420 --> 00:21:40,882 MAGAZINE" FOUNDER LARRY FLYNT HAS DIED AT AGE 78. 426 00:21:40,966 --> 00:21:42,384 IN LIEU OF FLOWERS, THE FAMILY ASKS THAT YOU SEND NUDES. 427 00:21:42,467 --> 00:21:45,429 FLYNT WAS A TITAN IN THE PORN BIZ. 428 00:21:45,512 --> 00:21:50,058 OVER THE YEARS, HIS COMPANY PRODUCED NOT ONLY "HUSTLER," BUT 429 00:21:50,142 --> 00:21:51,268 OTHER NICHE PUBLICATIONS. 430 00:21:51,351 --> 00:21:53,770 BY WHICH I MEAN PUBLICATIONS THAT FEATURE PHOTOS OF PEOPLE'S 431 00:21:53,854 --> 00:21:54,646 NICHES. 432 00:21:54,730 --> 00:21:57,399 ALSO NOOKS AND, OCCASIONALLY, CRANNIES. 433 00:21:57,482 --> 00:22:05,032 FOR THE BULL BUTTER TO COLLECT I WHEN WE COME BACK, FIRST DRAFTS 434 00:22:05,115 --> 00:22:07,951 OF VALENTINE'S DAY CARDS WITH A VERY SPECIAL MY WIFE. 435 00:22:08,035 --> 00:22:08,577 STICK AROUND. 436 00:22:10,328 --> 00:22:12,581 ♪♪♪ 437 00:22:18,628 --> 00:22:23,341 ♪♪♪ >> Stephen: HEY! 438 00:22:23,425 --> 00:22:25,552 WELCOME BACK. 439 00:22:25,635 --> 00:22:27,304 VALENTINE'S DAY IS THIS WEEKEND. 440 00:22:27,387 --> 00:22:30,557 WINE, CANDY, AND CHOCOLATES... 441 00:22:30,640 --> 00:22:33,769 ALL THINGS YOU'VE BEEN EATING EVERY DAY FOR A YEAR, SO YOU'LL 442 00:22:33,852 --> 00:22:34,644 WANT TO THINK OF SOMETHING NEW. 443 00:22:34,728 --> 00:22:35,437 MAYBE GIVE HER A NICE SET OF RADIAL TIRES. 444 00:22:35,520 --> 00:22:38,940 BUT VALENTINE'S DAY ALSO MEANS CARDS. 445 00:22:39,024 --> 00:22:39,775 AND AS TALENTED AS THEY ARE, THE PEOPLE WHO WRITE THOSE CARDS 446 00:22:39,858 --> 00:22:43,445 DON'T ALWAYS NAIL IT ON THE FIRST TRY. 447 00:22:43,528 --> 00:22:46,406 WHICH IS WHY TONIGHT WE'RE TAKING A LOOK AT SOME EARLY 448 00:22:46,490 --> 00:22:50,577 GREETING CARD EFFORTS IN OUR SEGMENT, "FIRST DRAFTS." 449 00:22:50,660 --> 00:22:54,956 ♪♪♪ >> NO, NO! 450 00:22:55,040 --> 00:22:55,832 STUPID! 451 00:22:55,916 --> 00:22:58,126 ♪♪♪ >> Stephen: NOW, ORDINARILY, I 452 00:22:58,210 --> 00:23:02,339 WOULD DO A BIG SHOW OF TRYING TO FIND SOMEONE TO DO FIRST DRAFTS 453 00:23:02,422 --> 00:23:03,507 WITH ME. 454 00:23:03,590 --> 00:23:09,096 BUT YOU KNOW WHO IT IS -- THE ONE, THE ONLY EVIE MAGEE, MY 455 00:23:09,179 --> 00:23:09,596 WIFE IS HERE, SOMETIMES COLBERT. 456 00:23:09,679 --> 00:23:12,099 IT COMES AND GOES. 457 00:23:12,182 --> 00:23:12,974 >> IT'S CONFUSING. 458 00:23:13,058 --> 00:23:15,352 >> Stephen: IT IS. 459 00:23:15,435 --> 00:23:17,854 HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY, DARLING. 460 00:23:17,938 --> 00:23:19,356 >> HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY. 461 00:23:19,439 --> 00:23:20,690 ( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: THERE YOU GO. 462 00:23:20,774 --> 00:23:21,942 THANK YOU. 463 00:23:22,025 --> 00:23:26,822 >> Stephen: GOT YOU BEAUTIFUL CHOCOLATE COVERED STRAWBERRIES. 464 00:23:26,905 --> 00:23:27,989 >> THANK YOU. 465 00:23:28,073 --> 00:23:32,828 >> Stephen: I'M GOING TO GIVE MY WIFE A PILE OF VALENTINES 466 00:23:32,911 --> 00:23:33,829 CARDS. 467 00:23:33,912 --> 00:23:40,001 THE TOP CARD WOULD BE SOLD TO YOU AT A DRUGSTORE. 468 00:23:40,085 --> 00:23:42,462 BELOW THAT IS THE FIRST DRAFT OF THE CARD THAT IS NOT GOOD ENOUGH 469 00:23:42,546 --> 00:23:43,130 TO BE SOLD. 470 00:23:43,213 --> 00:23:45,132 DO YOU UNDERSTAND THE PREMISE. 471 00:23:45,215 --> 00:23:46,842 >> I DO. 472 00:23:46,925 --> 00:23:47,509 >> Stephen: THANK YOU VERY MUCH. 473 00:23:47,592 --> 00:23:55,559 DO YOU WANT A ST STRAWBERRY? 474 00:23:55,642 --> 00:23:58,812 MY DARLING, HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY DAY. 475 00:23:58,895 --> 00:24:04,234 HERE'S A NICE ONE. 476 00:24:04,317 --> 00:24:06,695 IT SAYS "HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY... WE HAVE GREAT CHEMISTRY." 477 00:24:06,778 --> 00:24:08,321 WHICH WE REALLY DO. 478 00:24:08,405 --> 00:24:08,655 >> WE DO. 479 00:24:08,738 --> 00:24:09,197 SOMETIMES. 480 00:24:09,281 --> 00:24:13,910 >> Stephen: SOMETIMES... 481 00:24:13,994 --> 00:24:14,744 27 YEARS? 482 00:24:14,828 --> 00:24:16,163 27 YEARS. 483 00:24:16,246 --> 00:24:18,415 >> OH YOU'RE PRETENDING YOU DON'T KNOW. 484 00:24:18,498 --> 00:24:20,750 >> Stephen: 27 OR 28. 485 00:24:20,834 --> 00:24:21,585 OCTOBER IS 28. 486 00:24:21,668 --> 00:24:23,587 >> Stephen: IT'S JUST GETTING HOTTER. 487 00:24:23,670 --> 00:24:24,337 >> UTTER JOY. 488 00:24:24,421 --> 00:24:26,715 >> Stephen: JUST GETTING HOTTER. 489 00:24:26,798 --> 00:24:30,552 >> Stephen: BUT THE ORIGINAL DRAFT SAID, HAPPY VALENTINE'S 490 00:24:30,635 --> 00:24:31,553 DAY. 491 00:24:31,636 --> 00:24:35,849 THERE'S NO ONE I'D RATHER RUN THIS METH LAB WITH." 492 00:24:35,932 --> 00:24:37,559 MIGHT HAVE SET UP THE PUNCH LINE TOO FAR FROM THAT ONE. 493 00:24:37,642 --> 00:24:45,108 MIGHT WANT TO KEEP THE BANTER -- >> THIS IS NICE, YOU BROUGHT JOY 494 00:24:45,192 --> 00:24:46,109 INTO MY LIFE. 495 00:24:46,193 --> 00:24:47,527 >> Stephen: YES, THIS ONE, AS SHE JUST TOLD YOU, 496 00:24:47,611 --> 00:24:51,406 SAYS "YOU BROUGHT JOY INTO MY LIFE. 497 00:24:51,489 --> 00:24:51,823 HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY." 498 00:24:51,907 --> 00:24:54,951 >> VERY SWEET. 499 00:24:55,035 --> 00:24:56,119 >> Stephen: IT'S TRUE. 500 00:24:56,203 --> 00:24:59,748 BUT THE FIRST DRAFT SAID "YOU BROUGHT JOY INTO MY LIFE... 501 00:24:59,831 --> 00:25:02,709 BUT I'M NOT INTO THIS THROUPLE, IT'S TIME FOR JOY TO MOVE OUT." 502 00:25:02,792 --> 00:25:06,755 DO YOU UNDERSTAND THE PREMISE OF THAT. 503 00:25:06,838 --> 00:25:07,255 >> I THINK SO. 504 00:25:07,339 --> 00:25:08,256 >> Stephen: DO YOU? 505 00:25:08,340 --> 00:25:09,883 I'LL EXPLAIN IT TO YOU LATER. 506 00:25:09,966 --> 00:25:10,592 >> IN THAT SITUATION, AM I JOY? 507 00:25:10,675 --> 00:25:11,635 >> Stephen: YES. 508 00:25:11,718 --> 00:25:17,432 AND MARK IS THE -- THIRD OF OUR THROUPLE, I THINK. 509 00:25:17,515 --> 00:25:17,933 ( LAUGHTER ) DO YOU HAVE ANY PLANS FOR 510 00:25:18,016 --> 00:25:19,768 VALENTINE'S DAY DAY? 511 00:25:19,851 --> 00:25:21,228 >> DO I HAVE ANY PLANS? 512 00:25:21,311 --> 00:25:22,103 >> Stephen: DO YOU HAVE ANY PLANS FOR VALENTINE'S DAY DAY, 513 00:25:22,187 --> 00:25:22,437 SIMPLE QUESTION. 514 00:25:22,520 --> 00:25:23,438 >> I DO NOT. 515 00:25:23,521 --> 00:25:27,234 >> Stephen: WOULD YOU LIKE TO SPEND IT WITH ME? 516 00:25:27,317 --> 00:25:31,780 ( LAUGHTER ) >> YES, I WOULD LIKE TO SPEND 517 00:25:31,863 --> 00:25:32,948 VALENTINE'S DAY WITH YOU. 518 00:25:33,031 --> 00:25:34,616 >> Stephen: I WOULD LIKE TO SPEND VALENTINE'S DAY WITH YOU, 519 00:25:34,699 --> 00:25:35,158 TOO. 520 00:25:35,242 --> 00:25:36,117 WE CAN'T DO ANYTHING. 521 00:25:36,201 --> 00:25:36,701 IT'S COVID. 522 00:25:36,785 --> 00:25:37,786 >> I DO HAVE A THOUGHT. 523 00:25:37,869 --> 00:25:39,621 >> Stephen: WHAT'S YOUR THOUGHT? 524 00:25:39,704 --> 00:25:42,749 >> SO YOU KNOW HOW I LIKE TAKING MY PELOTON CLASSES, SO I TOOK A 525 00:25:42,832 --> 00:25:46,503 PELOTON CLASS IN '80s MUSIC, REMEMBER I TOLD YOU. 526 00:25:46,586 --> 00:25:47,629 >> Stephen: YEP. 527 00:25:47,712 --> 00:25:50,507 AND THE TEACHER I LOVE, JEN SHERMAN, TALKED ABOUT RIDING 528 00:25:50,590 --> 00:25:52,634 AROUND IN HER CAR IN THE MID '80s WITH HER MIXED TAPE MUSIC 529 00:25:52,717 --> 00:25:53,843 BLARING. 530 00:25:53,927 --> 00:25:56,638 I THINK WE SHOULD GET IN THE CAR AND DRIVE AROUND LIKE WE WERE 531 00:25:56,721 --> 00:25:57,138 TEENAGERS. 532 00:25:57,222 --> 00:26:01,977 NO PODCAST OR NEWS. 533 00:26:02,060 --> 00:26:04,187 >> Stephen: JUST YOU AND ME. 534 00:26:04,271 --> 00:26:04,813 MAYBE BENNY. 535 00:26:04,896 --> 00:26:06,064 >> Stephen: MAYBE THE DOG. 536 00:26:06,147 --> 00:26:06,523 MAYBE. 537 00:26:06,606 --> 00:26:07,148 >> Stephen: MAYBE. 538 00:26:07,232 --> 00:26:07,983 COULD I HAVE THE -- MM-HMM. 539 00:26:08,066 --> 00:26:12,988 THIS ONE TAKES A MORE POETIC APPROACH. 540 00:26:13,071 --> 00:26:14,614 OUR LOVE IS LIKE THE OCEAN... 541 00:26:14,698 --> 00:26:18,994 BOUNDLESS. 542 00:26:19,077 --> 00:26:23,665 BUT THE FIRST DRAFT SAID: OUR LOVE IS LIKE THE OCEAN... 543 00:26:23,748 --> 00:26:26,167 ONLY 5% HAS BEEN EXPLORED AND WE'RE TERRIFIED OF WHAT LIES IN 544 00:26:26,251 --> 00:26:27,877 THE DARKNESS. 545 00:26:27,961 --> 00:26:30,046 >> OH, GOD, I THINK THAT'S VERY FUNNY. 546 00:26:30,130 --> 00:26:32,507 >> Stephen: THAT IS THE REACTION WHEN YOU FIND SOMETHING 547 00:26:32,590 --> 00:26:34,384 FUNNY, TO STATE THAT IT IS FUNNY. 548 00:26:34,467 --> 00:26:39,014 THAT IS THE NOTHING MORE A COMEDIAN WANTS TOP HEAR THAN 400 549 00:26:39,097 --> 00:26:39,723 PEOPLE GOING, THAT IS FUNNY. 550 00:26:39,806 --> 00:26:45,687 ( LAUGHTER ) I FIND THAT AMUSING. 551 00:26:45,770 --> 00:26:48,273 BREATHTAKINGLY LEVEL-HEADED GIRL I MARRIED. 552 00:26:48,356 --> 00:26:52,694 THAT IS EVIE-APPROVED IS WHAT THAT JOKE IS. 553 00:26:52,777 --> 00:26:53,194 >> CHECK. 554 00:26:53,278 --> 00:26:54,904 >> Stephen: EXACTLY. 555 00:26:54,988 --> 00:26:58,199 ( CLEARING THROAT ) THIS IS A GOOD ONE. 556 00:26:58,283 --> 00:27:02,203 THIS ONE HAS A CLASSIC TALE. 557 00:27:02,287 --> 00:27:03,705 IT SAYS, "I FINALLY FOUND MY ROMEO" AND 558 00:27:03,788 --> 00:27:07,542 NOTHING CAN KEEP US APART. 559 00:27:07,625 --> 00:27:13,715 BUT THE FIRST DRAFT SAID, "I FINALLY FOUND MY ROMEO... SO IF 560 00:27:13,798 --> 00:27:15,759 I EVER SEEM DEAD, FOR GOD'S SAKE JUST WAIT A MINUTE BEFORE YOU 561 00:27:15,842 --> 00:27:17,677 KILL YOURSELF, I MIGHT JUST BE IN A NACHO COMA!" 562 00:27:17,761 --> 00:27:19,888 ( LAUGHTER ) THERE YOU GO. 563 00:27:19,971 --> 00:27:21,348 THERE YOU GO. 564 00:27:21,431 --> 00:27:22,557 THIS IS NICE ONE. 565 00:27:22,640 --> 00:27:26,102 IT SAYS, "YOU'RE EVERY BIT AS BEAUTIFUL AS THE MOMENT WE MET. 566 00:27:26,186 --> 00:27:27,729 HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY, MY LOVE." 567 00:27:27,812 --> 00:27:28,146 THAT IS TRUE. 568 00:27:28,229 --> 00:27:29,230 >> VERY SWEET. 569 00:27:29,314 --> 00:27:31,858 >> Stephen: YOU ARE MORE BEAUTIFUL THAN THE MOMENT WE 570 00:27:31,941 --> 00:27:32,400 MET. 571 00:27:32,484 --> 00:27:33,485 >> THAT IS VERY SWEET. 572 00:27:33,568 --> 00:27:34,402 A LONG, LONG, LONG TIME SINCE THE MOMENT WE FIRST MET. 573 00:27:34,486 --> 00:27:36,237 >> Stephen: BUT THE FIRST DRAFT SAID, YOU'RE 574 00:27:36,321 --> 00:27:37,864 EVERY BIT AS BEAUTIFUL AS THE MOMENT WE MET... WHICH WAS 575 00:27:37,947 --> 00:27:39,616 SECONDS AGO WHEN I HANDED YOU THIS CARD. 576 00:27:39,699 --> 00:27:41,785 I'M PAUL, BY THE WAY. 577 00:27:41,868 --> 00:27:44,704 HOPE THIS ISN'T WEIRD." 578 00:27:44,788 --> 00:27:45,288 HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY DAY, DARLING. 579 00:27:45,372 --> 00:27:49,584 >> THANK YOU, SWEETHEART. 580 00:27:49,667 --> 00:27:50,668 HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY. 581 00:27:50,752 --> 00:27:51,086 >> Stephen: WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH COUNTRY MUSIC STAR 582 00:27:51,169 --> 00:27:52,587 BLAKE SHELTON. 583 00:27:52,670 --> 00:27:55,590 DID YOU SAY KISS? 584 00:27:55,673 --> 00:27:56,758 OKAY. 585 00:27:56,841 --> 00:27:59,010 ♪♪♪ 586 00:28:11,689 --> 00:28:12,899 ♪♪♪ >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY! 587 00:28:12,982 --> 00:28:14,484 WELCOME BACK TO "A LATE SHOW." 588 00:28:14,567 --> 00:28:19,406 MY GUEST TONIGHT IS A COUNTRY MUSIC SUPERSTAR AND LONGTIME 589 00:28:19,489 --> 00:28:20,365 COACH ON "THE VOICE." 590 00:28:20,448 --> 00:28:21,908 PLEASE WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW," BLAKE SHELTON. 591 00:28:21,991 --> 00:28:23,785 BLAKE, THANKS FOR BEING HERE. 592 00:28:23,868 --> 00:28:24,619 >> THANK YOU, BUDDY. 593 00:28:24,702 --> 00:28:27,163 THANK YOU. 594 00:28:27,247 --> 00:28:28,164 APPLAUDING FOR HIMSELF. 595 00:28:28,248 --> 00:28:29,582 >> Stephen: WHAT DID YOU SAY? 596 00:28:29,666 --> 00:28:31,835 I WAS JUST APPLAUDING FOR MYSELF. 597 00:28:31,918 --> 00:28:33,461 I DIDN'T HEAR ANYTHING. 598 00:28:33,545 --> 00:28:36,339 >> Stephen: I'M YOUR ONLY AUDIENCE THESE DAYS. 599 00:28:36,423 --> 00:28:36,965 IT'S LONELY. 600 00:28:37,048 --> 00:28:37,757 THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE. 601 00:28:37,841 --> 00:28:39,843 YOU'RE MY ONLY AUDIENCE THESE DAYS. 602 00:28:39,926 --> 00:28:42,679 ( LAUGHTER ) I LOVE YOUR BACKDROP BECAUSE 603 00:28:42,762 --> 00:28:46,933 YOU'RE IN COLOR BUT EVERYTHING BEHIND YOU IS MONOCHROMATIC, 604 00:28:47,016 --> 00:28:53,273 IT'S LIKE YOU'RE CALLING FROM THE 1950s. 605 00:28:53,356 --> 00:28:55,483 >> YOU KNOW, LISTEN -- THANK YOU, BY THE WAY. 606 00:28:55,567 --> 00:29:02,323 I'M IN A HOUSE WITH A WAY BIGGER >> Stephen: YES. 607 00:29:02,407 --> 00:29:05,535 HE GETS, LIKE, THE OTHER -- THE PROFESSIONAL ZOOM ROOM. 608 00:29:05,618 --> 00:29:08,663 SO I'M IN THE BEDROOM. 609 00:29:08,746 --> 00:29:10,331 >> Stephen: YOU HAVE BEEN BANISHED. 610 00:29:10,415 --> 00:29:11,499 >> WELL, YEAH. 611 00:29:11,583 --> 00:29:12,876 >> Stephen: YOU GUYS HAVE BOTH GOTTEN PLENTY OF ATTENTION IN 612 00:29:12,959 --> 00:29:15,670 THE LAST WEEK BECAUSE YOU HAD A BIG NIGHT SUNDAY. 613 00:29:15,753 --> 00:29:17,714 OF COURSE, WE ALL WATCH THE SUPER BOWL FOR THE COMMERCIALS, 614 00:29:17,797 --> 00:29:21,843 AND YOU, AND GWEN HAD ONE OF THE BIGGEST, OVER 20 MILLION PEOPLE 615 00:29:21,926 --> 00:29:25,305 HAVE WATCHED IT SO FAR, AND WE HAVE A LITTLE CLIP OF IT RIGHT 616 00:29:25,388 --> 00:29:26,973 HERE I WOULDN'T MIND SHOWING THE AUDIENCE. 617 00:29:27,056 --> 00:29:27,891 HI, JIM. 618 00:29:27,974 --> 00:29:29,809 >> HEY, ADAM. 619 00:29:29,893 --> 00:29:30,852 GWEN STEFANI, WHAT'S HAPPENING? 620 00:29:30,935 --> 00:29:31,478 IS. 621 00:29:31,561 --> 00:29:32,061 >> I'M READY TO DATE AGAIN. 622 00:29:32,145 --> 00:29:33,813 WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FOR. 623 00:29:33,897 --> 00:29:37,066 I WANT SOMEBODY DIFFERENT MAYBE FROM ANOTHER COUNTRY AND 624 00:29:37,150 --> 00:29:42,197 SOMEONE CULTURED AND SENSITIVE AND NOT THREATENED BY A STRONG, 625 00:29:42,280 --> 00:29:43,156 COMPETENT WOMAN. 626 00:29:43,239 --> 00:29:47,368 >> ON A SPOTTY NET YRK THIS IS WHAT ADAM HEARD. 627 00:29:47,452 --> 00:29:52,707 >> I WANT SOMEBODY UNCULTURED, COUNTRY, AND THREATENED BY A 628 00:29:52,790 --> 00:29:53,333 STRONG CONFIDENT WOMAN. 629 00:29:53,416 --> 00:29:56,169 >> IT'S NOT WINGS OR NACHOS. 630 00:29:56,252 --> 00:29:56,878 IT'S WINGS AND NACHOS. 631 00:29:56,961 --> 00:29:59,881 SEND MY ONION RINGS DOWN HERE! 632 00:29:59,964 --> 00:30:02,884 >> I HAVE YOUR GUY. 633 00:30:02,967 --> 00:30:04,719 GWEN. 634 00:30:04,802 --> 00:30:05,512 BLAKE? 635 00:30:05,595 --> 00:30:07,931 MMM -- OH, MY GOD HILARIOUS, RIGHT? 636 00:30:08,014 --> 00:30:10,892 I MEAN... 637 00:30:10,975 --> 00:30:11,768 NO. 638 00:30:11,851 --> 00:30:13,561 ( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: THAT SEEMS LIKE AN 639 00:30:13,645 --> 00:30:18,399 HONEST AD IS WHAT IT SEEMS LIKE. 640 00:30:18,483 --> 00:30:21,736 WERE YOU SURPRISE BY THE RESPONSE? 641 00:30:21,819 --> 00:30:26,866 >> LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, MAN, I HAVE BEEN IN THIS 642 00:30:26,950 --> 00:30:31,204 BUSINESS NOW AS FAR AS BEING A COUNTRY SINGER FOR 20 YEARS. 643 00:30:31,287 --> 00:30:34,290 THIS YEAR IS 20 YEARS. 644 00:30:34,374 --> 00:30:40,547 AND I'VE HAD SOME GOOD LUCK OVER THE YEARS, I'VE WON SOME AWARDS 645 00:30:40,630 --> 00:30:45,134 AND HIGH POINTS IN MY LIFE AND CLEARLY THAT DIDN'T MATTER 646 00:30:45,218 --> 00:30:48,972 COMPARED TO BEING IN A SUPER BOWLCOMMERCIAL. 647 00:30:49,055 --> 00:30:55,395 YOU WIN AN AWARD AND PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE WILL TEXT YOU AND TELL 648 00:30:55,478 --> 00:30:57,605 YOU -- AND I'VE HAD A LITTLE BIT BUT NOT UNTIL I WAS IN A SUPER 649 00:30:57,689 --> 00:31:03,653 BOWL COMMERCIAL DID I FEEL LIKE I CONNECTED WITH. 650 00:31:03,736 --> 00:31:09,617 NOW I OFFICIALLY KNOW HOW MANY PEOPLE WATCH THE SUPER BOWL. 651 00:31:09,701 --> 00:31:11,202 MY PHONE WAS ON FIRE. 652 00:31:11,286 --> 00:31:13,788 IT WAS MELTING THAT NIGHT. 653 00:31:13,871 --> 00:31:14,914 >> Stephen: IT'S THE LAST THING WE ALL DO IN THE NATION. 654 00:31:14,998 --> 00:31:15,957 IT'S STILL 100 MILLION PEOPLE DOING IT. 655 00:31:16,040 --> 00:31:17,125 >> THAT'S RIGHT, THAT'S RIGHT. 656 00:31:17,208 --> 00:31:20,837 >> Stephen: I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING THAT SURPRISES A LOT 657 00:31:20,920 --> 00:31:26,467 OF PEOPLE, AND I'M NOT SURE THAT YOU'RE AWARE OF THIS, IS THAT 658 00:31:26,551 --> 00:31:27,927 YOU'RE ENGAGED THE TO GWEN STEFANI. 659 00:31:28,011 --> 00:31:31,139 WHAT THE -- I MEAN, YOU SEEM LIKE A NICE GUY, YOU'RE TALENTED 660 00:31:31,222 --> 00:31:34,976 AND EVERYTHING, BUT SHE'S GWEN STEFANI! 661 00:31:35,059 --> 00:31:37,979 WHAT'S GOING ON, BLAKE SHELTON? 662 00:31:38,062 --> 00:31:40,106 >> NOBODY'S MORE SHOCKED ABOUT THIS THAN I AM. 663 00:31:40,189 --> 00:31:42,108 I KNOW PEOPLE -- IT'S LIKE IT MAKES NO SENSE. 664 00:31:42,191 --> 00:31:46,821 I CAN SEE THAT YOU'RE LOOKING AT THAT PICTURE NOW GOING WHAT THE 665 00:31:46,904 --> 00:31:47,697 HELL JUST HAPPENED? 666 00:31:47,780 --> 00:31:49,616 >> Stephen: AND SHE SEEMS HAPPY ABOUT IT. 667 00:31:49,699 --> 00:31:55,538 AT FIRST, I THOUGHT IT WAS A DARE OR SOMETHING, SHE LOST A 668 00:31:55,622 --> 00:31:59,751 BET, BUT SHE REALLY SEEMS HAPPY HERE. 669 00:31:59,834 --> 00:32:00,418 CONGRATULATIONS FIRST OF ALL. 670 00:32:00,501 --> 00:32:02,003 >> BRING IT ON, I CAN TAKE IT. 671 00:32:02,086 --> 00:32:03,546 I CAN TAKE IT. 672 00:32:03,630 --> 00:32:04,380 BRING IT ON. 673 00:32:04,464 --> 00:32:04,964 I UNDERSTAND. 674 00:32:05,048 --> 00:32:06,674 TRUST ME, I UNDERSTAND. 675 00:32:06,758 --> 00:32:10,678 YOU CAN'T BLAME ME FOR NOT JUMPING AT THE OPPORTUNITY, 676 00:32:10,762 --> 00:32:11,137 THOUGH. 677 00:32:11,220 --> 00:32:12,555 >> Stephen: 100%. 678 00:32:12,639 --> 00:32:13,014 100%. 679 00:32:13,097 --> 00:32:13,514 >> THANKS A LOT. 680 00:32:13,598 --> 00:32:13,890 OKAY. 681 00:32:13,973 --> 00:32:14,557 FAIR ENOUGH. 682 00:32:14,641 --> 00:32:16,809 >> Stephen: WELL, MAZEL TOV. 683 00:32:16,893 --> 00:32:17,977 THANK YOU. 684 00:32:18,061 --> 00:32:23,232 >> Stephen: PLEASE GIVE MY BEST WISHES TO YOUR FIANCEÉ. 685 00:32:23,316 --> 00:32:25,026 >> SHE LOVES YOU, BY THE WAY. 686 00:32:25,109 --> 00:32:25,943 >> Stephen: I'M A HUGE FAN. 687 00:32:26,027 --> 00:32:29,864 WE HAD SUCH A GOOD TIME WHEN SHE WAS ON HERE. 688 00:32:29,947 --> 00:32:32,492 >> YOU TAUGHT HER THE CORRECT SPELLING OF BANANAS. 689 00:32:32,575 --> 00:32:36,204 >> Stephen: SHE DOES NOT KNOW HOW TO SPELL BANANA. 690 00:32:36,287 --> 00:32:38,581 THAT'S MY ONE PROBLEM WITH HER. 691 00:32:38,665 --> 00:32:40,667 YOU'VE GOT THE NEW ALBUM HERE. 692 00:32:40,750 --> 00:32:43,670 THIS IS A NEW SINGLE, RIGHT? 693 00:32:43,753 --> 00:32:44,712 >> NEW SINGLE. 694 00:32:44,796 --> 00:32:47,006 WE HAVEN'T FOUND A HOME FOR THAT SINGLE YET. 695 00:32:47,090 --> 00:32:49,384 THERE'S STILL NOT AN ALBUM OUT. 696 00:32:49,467 --> 00:32:51,010 WE'RE JUST PUTTING OUT SINGLES THESE DAYS, I GUESS. 697 00:32:51,094 --> 00:32:56,432 THE ALBUM WILL PROBABLY COME LATER THIS YEAR, BUT THIS IS THE 698 00:32:56,516 --> 00:32:57,725 NEW SINGLE "MINIMUM WAGE," YES. 699 00:32:57,809 --> 00:33:01,104 >> Stephen: WELL, WHAT'S THE SONG ABOUT? 700 00:33:01,187 --> 00:33:03,606 >> IT'S ABOUT -- >> Stephen: THAT'S WHAT IT 701 00:33:03,690 --> 00:33:07,193 SAYS RIGHT HERE, WHAT'S THE SONG ABOUT? 702 00:33:07,276 --> 00:33:09,779 EVERYBODY'S LAUGHING. 703 00:33:09,862 --> 00:33:11,364 HE'S LAUGHING WHEN I ASK THE QUESTION. 704 00:33:11,447 --> 00:33:13,574 THE SONG IS NOT ABOUT THE MINIMUM WAGE. 705 00:33:13,658 --> 00:33:18,079 PLEASE TELL ME IT'S NOT A DEBATE BETWEEN $7.25 AND $15 AN HOUR, I 706 00:33:18,162 --> 00:33:21,541 DON'T THINK THAT'S THE PLACE IN POPULAR MUSIC TO BE DEBATING 707 00:33:21,624 --> 00:33:22,750 THIS. 708 00:33:22,834 --> 00:33:27,046 PLEASE TELL ME -- >> THE SONG IS ABOUT NOT HAVING 709 00:33:27,130 --> 00:33:30,091 VERY MUCH MONEY SUCKS BUT HAVING LOVE MAKES IT A WHOLE LOT 710 00:33:30,174 --> 00:33:30,591 BETTER. 711 00:33:30,675 --> 00:33:31,759 >> Stephen: IT DOES. 712 00:33:31,843 --> 00:33:38,850 NOT MUCH MONEY AND LOVE, AND THEN LOVE AND A LOT OF MONEY, 713 00:33:38,933 --> 00:33:41,352 THOSE ARE THE STAGES WE ALL WANT TO GO THROUGH. 714 00:33:41,436 --> 00:33:44,147 TAKE THE LOVE FIRST. 715 00:33:44,230 --> 00:33:45,273 >> EXACTLY. 716 00:33:45,356 --> 00:33:50,611 NO, YOU KNOW, IT'S A COMMON THEME, I GUESS, IN COUNTRY 717 00:33:50,695 --> 00:33:56,909 MUSIC, ANYWAY, ABILITY HOW TOUGH TIMES, THEY SUCK, BUT IF YOU'RE 718 00:33:56,993 --> 00:33:57,577 WITH THE PERSON YOU LOVE, IT MAKES IT A WHOLE LOT EASIER. 719 00:33:57,660 --> 00:33:58,786 THAT'S WHAT THE SONG IS ABOUT. 720 00:33:58,870 --> 00:34:03,374 >> Stephen: YOU SAID YOU HAVE BEEN IN COUNTRY MUSIC 20 YEARS 721 00:34:03,458 --> 00:34:04,292 BUT BREAKING THROUGH YOU MUST HAVE BEEN TERRIBLE JOBS, 722 00:34:04,375 --> 00:34:05,460 SPEAKING OF MINIMUM WAGE. 723 00:34:05,543 --> 00:34:08,463 >> I FOUND THIS OUT ABOUT YOU EARLIER THAT SURPRISED ME. 724 00:34:08,546 --> 00:34:11,466 THE TOUGHEST JOB THAT I HOPE THAT I WILL EVER HAVE FOR THE 725 00:34:11,549 --> 00:34:20,308 REST OF MY LIFE, I ROOFED HOUSES FOR TWO YEARS, AND I GUESS -- I 726 00:34:20,391 --> 00:34:25,438 DON'T KNOW EVEN KNOW IF I MADE MINIMUM WAGE TO BE HONEST WITH 727 00:34:25,521 --> 00:34:26,647 YOU. 728 00:34:26,731 --> 00:34:29,942 I MADE WHATEVER THEY WERE PAYING A KID IN OKLAHOMA -- I WAS A 729 00:34:30,026 --> 00:34:30,777 TEAR-OFF GUY. 730 00:34:30,860 --> 00:34:33,821 BUT YOU ROOFED HOUSES, TOO, THEY SAID. 731 00:34:33,905 --> 00:34:37,116 >> Stephen: I WAS MOSTLY DEMO, AND IT WAS FOR A -- I WAS A -- I 732 00:34:37,200 --> 00:34:42,872 WAS A TEENAGER AND I WAS GETTING MEANL, WHICH I THINK WAS 733 00:34:42,955 --> 00:34:44,665 $3.25 BACK THEN OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT. 734 00:34:44,749 --> 00:34:49,003 I MOSTLY HAULED THE TAR PAPER AND SHINGLES UP TO THE ROOF TO 735 00:34:49,086 --> 00:34:50,671 THE GUYS DOING THE WORK. 736 00:34:50,755 --> 00:34:54,509 IF YOU'VE GOT A SLOPED ROOF COMINGS INTO A CHIMNEY YOU HAVE 737 00:34:54,592 --> 00:34:55,468 TO BUILD A CRITIC. 738 00:34:55,551 --> 00:34:56,302 THAT'S ALL I REMEMBER. 739 00:34:56,385 --> 00:34:58,846 >> HERE'S WHAT I REMEMBER. 740 00:34:58,930 --> 00:35:01,849 I REMEMBER THE SHINGLES, IT WAS 4 INCHES OVER AND 4 INCHES DOWN, 741 00:35:01,933 --> 00:35:02,934 RIGHT. 742 00:35:03,017 --> 00:35:04,185 THAT'S HOW YOU GET THAT PATTERN GOING ACROSS THERE. 743 00:35:04,268 --> 00:35:08,189 AND I REMEMBER WHEN I MADE IT I BUILT UP ENOUGH STRENGTH AT ONE 744 00:35:08,272 --> 00:35:11,859 POINT, THE ONE TIME I WAS IN SHAPE IN MY LIFE, THAT I COULD 745 00:35:11,943 --> 00:35:15,863 CARRY TWO BUNDLES OF SHINGLES AT ONE TIME UP THE LADDER. 746 00:35:15,947 --> 00:35:18,908 THAT WAS WHAT MADE ME EXTRA HANDY ON THE WORK SITE. 747 00:35:18,991 --> 00:35:22,995 >> Stephen: YOU'VE GOT A FALLBACKS TO IN CASE THIS MUSIC 748 00:35:23,079 --> 00:35:23,955 THING DOESN'T TURN OUT. 749 00:35:24,038 --> 00:35:26,457 YOU HAVE A SKILL, A TRADE TO TBAL FALL BACK ON. 750 00:35:26,541 --> 00:35:30,044 >> I PRAY THAT I'M NEVER THAT HUNGRY EVER AGAIN BECAUSE I 751 00:35:30,127 --> 00:35:32,880 DON'T THINK I COULD PHYSICALLY DO THE WORK. 752 00:35:32,964 --> 00:35:35,258 I HAVE SO MUCH RESPECT FOR THOSE GUYS. 753 00:35:35,341 --> 00:35:37,552 >> Stephen: WELL, BLAKE, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING HERE. 754 00:35:37,635 --> 00:35:41,681 STICK AROUND FOR A PERFORMANCE OF MINIMUM WAGE BY MR. BLAKE 755 00:35:41,764 --> 00:35:43,933 SHELTON. 756 00:35:44,016 --> 00:35:45,143 ♪♪♪ 757 00:35:51,816 --> 00:35:55,152 ♪♪♪ 758 00:36:08,499 --> 00:36:10,126 >> Stephen: WELCOME BACK. 759 00:36:10,209 --> 00:36:16,465 AND NOW, PERFORMING HIS SINGLE "MINIMUM WAGE," BLAKE SHELTON. 760 00:36:16,549 --> 00:36:26,559 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ 761 00:36:26,642 --> 00:36:34,275 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ 762 00:36:34,358 --> 00:36:38,237 ♪ YEAH, I MET YOU 'FORE ANYBODY KNEW MY NAME 763 00:36:38,321 --> 00:36:40,448 ♪ PLAYING FOR PENNIES ON THE DIVE BAR STAGE 764 00:36:40,531 --> 00:36:44,452 ♪ SPLIT AN ALL-STAR SPECIAL ON OUR FIRST DATE 765 00:36:44,535 --> 00:36:47,455 ♪ IN A WAFFLE HOUSE BOOTH YOUR DADDY WAS CRYING 766 00:36:47,538 --> 00:36:50,458 ♪ WHEN HE GAVE YOU AWAY 'CAUSE ALL THOSE COUNTRY 767 00:36:50,541 --> 00:36:55,254 ♪ SONGS I PLAYED THEY DIDN'T COME WITH A 401K 768 00:36:55,338 --> 00:36:57,131 ♪ BUT, HEY, I HAD YOU YOU CAN MAKE A SIX PACK 769 00:36:57,214 --> 00:37:00,509 ♪ ON THE CARPET TASTE LIKE A 770 00:37:00,593 --> 00:37:03,137 ♪ MILLION DOLLAR BILL YOU CAN MAKE A 771 00:37:03,221 --> 00:37:04,513 ♪ ONE BEDROOM APARTMENT FEEL LIKE A HOUSE 772 00:37:04,597 --> 00:37:08,476 ♪ UP ON THE HILL YOU CAN MAKE MY TRUCK 773 00:37:08,559 --> 00:37:11,354 ♪ OUT IN THE DRIVEWAY ROLL LIKE A 774 00:37:11,437 --> 00:37:13,230 ♪ CLEANED-UP CADILLAC GIRL, LOOKIN' AT YOU 775 00:37:13,314 --> 00:37:16,525 ♪ LOOKIN' AT ME THAT WAY CAN MAKE A MAN FEEL RICH 776 00:37:16,609 --> 00:37:23,324 ♪ ON MINIMUM WAGE GIRL, YOUR LOVE IS MONEY 777 00:37:23,407 --> 00:37:26,160 ♪ YOUR LOVE IS MONEY YEAH, YOUR LOVE 778 00:37:26,243 --> 00:37:31,499 ♪ CAN MAKE A MAN FEEL RICH ON MINIMUM WAGE 779 00:37:31,582 --> 00:37:34,460 ♪ GIRL, YOUR LOVE IS MONEY YOUR LOVE IS MONEY 780 00:37:34,543 --> 00:37:38,631 ♪ YEAH, YOUR LOVE CAN MAKE A MAN FEEL RICH 781 00:37:38,714 --> 00:37:40,508 ♪ ON MINIMUM WAGE YOU CAN GIVE ME A TAB 782 00:37:40,591 --> 00:37:43,719 ♪ THAT'S ALWAYS OPEN OR GIVE ME A YACHT 783 00:37:43,803 --> 00:37:46,889 ♪ PARKED OUT IN THE OCEAN BUT ALL THAT KEEPIN' 784 00:37:46,973 --> 00:37:50,184 ♪ WITH THE JONESES IT JUST AIN'T MY STYLE 785 00:37:50,268 --> 00:37:52,645 ♪ JUST GIVE ME SOME LIGHTS STRUNG OUT IN THE YARD 786 00:37:52,728 --> 00:37:55,356 ♪ GIVE ME A LAWN CHAIR UNDER THE STARS 787 00:37:55,439 --> 00:37:57,191 ♪ THE TOP OF THE WORLD'S RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE 788 00:37:57,274 --> 00:38:00,820 ♪ 'CAUSE EVERY TIME YOU SMILE YOU CAN MAKE A SIX PACK 789 00:38:00,903 --> 00:38:03,364 ♪ ON THE CARPET TASTE LIKE A 790 00:38:03,447 --> 00:38:07,034 ♪ MILLION DOLLAR BILL YOU CAN MAKE A 791 00:38:07,118 --> 00:38:08,577 ♪ ONE BEDROOM APARTMENT FEEL LIKE A HOUSE 792 00:38:08,661 --> 00:38:11,372 ♪ UP ON THE HILL YOU CAN MAKE MY TRUCK 793 00:38:11,455 --> 00:38:14,375 ♪ OUT IN THE DRIVEWAY ROLL LIKE A 794 00:38:14,458 --> 00:38:18,087 ♪ CLEANED-UP CADILLAC GIRL, LOOKIN' AT YOU 795 00:38:18,170 --> 00:38:20,589 ♪ LOOKIN' AT ME THAT WAY CAN MAKE A MAN FEEL RICH 796 00:38:20,673 --> 00:38:27,263 ♪ ON MINIMUM WAGE GIRL, YOUR LOVE IS MONEY 797 00:38:27,346 --> 00:38:29,056 ♪ YOUR LOVE IS MONEY YEAH, YOUR LOVE 798 00:38:29,140 --> 00:38:35,563 ♪ CAN MAKE A MAN FEEL RICH ON MINIMUM WAGE 799 00:38:35,646 --> 00:38:38,399 ♪ GIRL, YOUR LOVE IS MONEY YOUR LOVE IS MONEY 800 00:38:38,482 --> 00:38:41,068 ♪ YEAH, YOUR LOVE CAN MAKE A MAN FEEL RICH 801 00:38:41,152 --> 00:38:48,701 ♪ ON MINIMUM WAGE ♪ ♪ ♪ 802 00:38:48,784 --> 00:38:55,416 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ 803 00:38:55,499 --> 00:39:00,713 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ 804 00:39:00,796 --> 00:39:04,759 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ 805 00:39:04,842 --> 00:39:06,761 YOU CAN MAKE A SIX PACK ♪ ON THE CARPET 806 00:39:06,844 --> 00:39:08,763 TASTE LIKE A ♪ MILLION DOLLAR BILL 807 00:39:08,846 --> 00:39:12,141 YOU CAN MAKE A ♪ ONE BEDROOM APARTMENT 808 00:39:12,224 --> 00:39:14,602 FEEL LIKE A HOUSE ♪ UP ON THE HILL 809 00:39:14,685 --> 00:39:16,645 YOU CAN MAKE MY TRUCK ♪ OUT IN THE DRIVEWAY 810 00:39:16,729 --> 00:39:20,608 ROLL LIKE A ♪ CLEANED-UP CADILLAC 811 00:39:20,691 --> 00:39:22,443 GIRL, LOOKIN' AT YOU ♪ LOOKING AT ME THAT WAY 812 00:39:22,526 --> 00:39:28,699 CAN MAKE A MAN FEEL RICH ♪ ON MINIMUM WAGE 813 00:39:28,783 --> 00:39:32,620 GIRL, YOUR LOVE IS MONEY ♪ YOUR LOVE IS MONEY 814 00:39:32,703 --> 00:39:36,749 YEAH, YOUR LOVE ♪ CAN MAKE A MAN FEEL RICH 815 00:39:36,832 --> 00:39:40,669 ON MINIMUM WAGE ♪ GIRL, YOUR LOVE IS MONEY 816 00:39:40,753 --> 00:39:44,632 YOUR LOVE IS MONEY ♪ YEAH, YOUR LOVE 817 00:39:44,715 --> 00:39:47,802 CAN MAKE A MAN FEEL RICH ♪ ON MINIMUM WAGE 818 00:39:47,885 --> 00:39:53,307 GIRL, YOUR LOVE IS MONEY ♪ YOUR LOVE IS MONEY 819 00:39:53,390 --> 00:39:56,769 GIRL, YOUR LOVE ♪ CAN MAKE A MAN FEEL RICH 820 00:39:56,852 --> 00:40:00,439 ON MINIMUM WAGE ♪ >> Stephen: BLAKE SHELTON, 821 00:40:00,523 --> 00:40:00,940 EVERYBODY. 822 00:40:01,023 --> 00:40:01,607 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK. 823 00:40:05,903 --> 00:40:07,822 >> Stephen: THAT'S IT FOR "A LATE SHOW." 824 00:40:07,905 --> 00:40:09,323 JAMES CORDEN IS NEXT. 825 00:40:09,406 --> 00:40:09,490 GOOD NIGHT. 826 00:40:11,408 --> 00:40:12,284 Captioning sponsored by CBS Captioned by 827 00:40:13,702 --> 00:40:22,419 Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org 828 00:40:22,503 --> 00:40:23,003 Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org 829 00:40:23,087 --> 00:40:34,640 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ 830 00:40:34,723 --> 00:40:36,183 Captioning sponsored by CBS