1 00:00:01,626 --> 00:00:04,045 >> FOR THE SECOND TIME IN JUST OVER A YEAR, THE SENATE WILL 2 00:00:04,129 --> 00:00:08,216 TRANSFORM INTO A PROVERBIAL COURTROOM TODAY FOR THE 3 00:00:08,299 --> 00:00:11,052 IMPEACHMENT TRIAL OF FORMER PRESIDENT TRUMP. 4 00:00:11,136 --> 00:00:15,098 THIS TIME, THE CHAMBER WILL DETERMINE IF THE FORMER 5 00:00:15,181 --> 00:00:18,435 PRESIDENT IS CULPABLE FOR INCITING THE INSURRECTION ON THE 6 00:00:18,518 --> 00:00:20,186 CAPITOL ON JANUARY THE 6th. 7 00:00:20,270 --> 00:00:23,106 >> IN THE IMPEACHMENT SYSTEM, DEMOCRACY IS REPRESENTED BY TWO 8 00:00:23,189 --> 00:00:24,774 SEPARATE, YET EQUALLY IMPORTANT GROUPS: THE HOUSE, WHICH 9 00:00:24,858 --> 00:00:27,277 IMPEACHES; AND THE SENATE, WHICH SEEMS OKAY WITH THE PRESIDENT 10 00:00:27,360 --> 00:00:28,653 SENDING ANGRY MOBS TO MURDER THEM. 11 00:00:28,737 --> 00:00:32,157 ( DUN-DUN ) SORRY, WENT OFF FOR A BIT. 12 00:00:32,240 --> 00:00:36,119 LET'S TAKE IT AGAIN. 13 00:00:36,202 --> 00:00:39,456 IN THE IMPEACHMENT SYSTEM, DEMOCRACY IS THE HOUSE, WHICH 14 00:00:39,539 --> 00:00:40,415 HAS A SOLID CASE; AND THE SENATE, WHICH SAYS YOU CAN'T 15 00:00:40,498 --> 00:00:43,084 IMPEACH BECAUSE HE'S NOT IN OFFICE ANYMORE. 16 00:00:43,168 --> 00:00:44,753 BUT THEY DID IMPEACH HIM WHILE HE WAS IN OFFICE. 17 00:00:44,836 --> 00:00:46,129 ( DUN-DUN ) WHOOPS, FLUBBED IT AGAIN. 18 00:00:46,212 --> 00:00:50,175 LET'S GIVE IT ANOTHER TRY. 19 00:00:50,258 --> 00:00:53,470 THOSE WHO ACCEPT FACT AS REALITY AND THOSE WHO BELIEVE IN JEWISH 20 00:00:53,553 --> 00:00:54,971 SPACE LASERS. 21 00:00:55,054 --> 00:00:57,557 ( DUN-DUN ) NO, DO NOT DUN-DUN ME! 22 00:00:59,058 --> 00:01:00,143 ( DUN-DUN ) SCREW IT! 23 00:01:00,226 --> 00:01:01,603 I QUIT! 24 00:01:01,686 --> 00:01:04,314 I'M GOING TO WORK FOR "LAW & ORDER: FREE BRITNEY UNIT." 25 00:01:04,397 --> 00:01:06,649 >> IN THE BRITNEY JUSTICE SYSTEM, IT'S TIME TO FREE 26 00:01:06,733 --> 00:01:07,275 BRITNEY. 27 00:01:07,358 --> 00:01:08,276 >> IT'S BRITNEY, BITCH. 28 00:01:08,359 --> 00:01:12,113 ( DUN-DUN ) ( DUN-DUN ) 29 00:01:12,197 --> 00:01:17,160 >> Announcer: IT'S "A LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT." 30 00:01:17,243 --> 00:01:20,663 OOPS, IMPEACH HIM AGAIN. 31 00:01:20,747 --> 00:01:21,831 PLUS STEPHEN WELCOMES: JOHN OLIVER 32 00:01:21,915 --> 00:01:26,002 AND MUSICAL GUEST, INGRID ANDRESS 33 00:01:26,085 --> 00:01:31,549 FEATURING JON BATISTE AND STAY HUMAN. 34 00:01:31,633 --> 00:01:33,051 AND NOW, LIVE oN TAPE FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER OFFICE 35 00:01:33,134 --> 00:01:37,555 BUILDING IN NEW YORK CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT! 36 00:01:37,639 --> 00:01:40,225 >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY! 37 00:01:40,308 --> 00:01:43,603 WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW." 38 00:01:43,686 --> 00:01:44,813 I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. 39 00:01:44,896 --> 00:01:49,859 I HAVE A LOVELY-- LOVELY SIP OF MY COFFEE HERE UPON GET ALL 40 00:01:49,943 --> 00:01:51,444 ZIPPED UP. 41 00:01:51,528 --> 00:01:52,612 THERE YOU GO. 42 00:01:52,695 --> 00:01:54,572 SOUND LOVES THAT, DON'T THEY? 43 00:01:54,656 --> 00:01:55,740 DON'T THE SOUND GUYS LOVE THAT. 44 00:01:55,824 --> 00:01:58,284 JUST WANT TO POINT OUT, ANYBODY SEEING ME WALKING DOWN THE 45 00:01:58,368 --> 00:02:01,663 STREET TODAY-- THIS IS WHAT I WORE TO WORK TODAY. 46 00:02:01,746 --> 00:02:04,040 THIS IS HOW LONG WE'VE BEEN RIDING TODAY. 47 00:02:04,123 --> 00:02:05,542 BECAUSE WE WERE SHOCKED, RIGHT. 48 00:02:05,625 --> 00:02:09,254 WE DID NOT KNOW HOW INTERESTING THIS DAY WAS GOING TO BE IN THAT 49 00:02:09,337 --> 00:02:12,131 IT WAS FAR LESS BORING THAN WE THOUGHT. 50 00:02:12,215 --> 00:02:17,762 BECAUSE HERE WE GO AGAIN, AGAIN. 51 00:02:17,846 --> 00:02:19,055 BECAUSE IT'S DAY ONE OF THE SECOND IMPEACHMENT OF THE 45th 52 00:02:19,138 --> 00:02:21,266 PRESIDENT. 53 00:02:21,349 --> 00:02:25,436 I GOT THAT REALLY FEELING OF DEJA COUP. 54 00:02:25,520 --> 00:02:27,522 I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT IN MY UNFORTUNATELY NECESSARY SEGMENT, 55 00:02:27,605 --> 00:02:34,404 "DON AND THE GIANT IMPEACH 2: GO FAST, WE'RE FURIOUS." 56 00:02:34,487 --> 00:02:39,033 ♪ ♪ ♪ >> HERE I AM A BIG, FAT, DUMB 57 00:02:39,117 --> 00:02:43,580 BASTARD, AND I DID A HORRIBLE JOB! 58 00:02:43,663 --> 00:02:46,416 A HORRIBLE JOB. 59 00:02:46,499 --> 00:02:53,423 I DID HORRIBLE JOB" HERE I AM A BIG, FAT, DUMB 60 00:02:53,506 --> 00:02:58,428 BASTARD, I DID A HORRIBLE JOB! 61 00:02:58,511 --> 00:03:02,432 A HORRIBLE JOOOB! 62 00:03:02,515 --> 00:03:06,436 HE DID A HORRIBLE JOOOB! 63 00:03:06,519 --> 00:03:08,479 YEAH! 64 00:03:08,563 --> 00:03:14,444 >> Stephen: I SMELL A HIT. 65 00:03:14,527 --> 00:03:16,070 IT IS ONE YEAR AND FOUR DAYS SINCE WE FINISHED UP THE LAST 66 00:03:16,154 --> 00:03:21,284 IMPEACHMENT TRIAL OF THE SAME PRESIDENT, FEBRUARY OF 2020. 67 00:03:21,367 --> 00:03:22,952 OH, WE WERE SO YOUNG THEN. 68 00:03:23,036 --> 00:03:27,332 I LONG FOR A SIMPLER TIME, WHEN PEOPLE HIDING FROM NAZIS AND NOT 69 00:03:27,415 --> 00:03:28,333 LEAVING THEIR HOUSE FOR MONTHS WERE JUST THE PLOTS OF "JOJO 70 00:03:28,416 --> 00:03:30,627 RABBIT" AND "PARASITE." 71 00:03:30,710 --> 00:03:31,669 IN THE LEAD-UP TO THE TRIAL, REPUBLICANS WERE GRASPING AT 72 00:03:31,753 --> 00:03:34,464 STRAWS TO JUSTIFY THEIR OPPOSITION TO IMPEACHMENT. 73 00:03:34,547 --> 00:03:38,468 TAKE R.N.C. CHAIR AND WOMAN PRETENDING TO THINK, 74 00:03:38,551 --> 00:03:43,473 RONNA McDANIEL. 75 00:03:43,556 --> 00:03:47,685 YESTERDAY, McDANIEL TWEETED, "BIDEN SHOULD HEED LINCOLN'S 76 00:03:47,769 --> 00:03:49,312 WORDS BY URGING DEMOCRATS IN THE SENATE TO ABANDON THEIR 77 00:03:49,395 --> 00:03:50,813 POLITICAL GAME OF IMPEACHMENT." 78 00:03:50,897 --> 00:03:51,648 NOT SURE YOU WANT TO BRING LINCOLN INTO THIS ONE, RONNA. 79 00:03:51,731 --> 00:03:54,150 HE WAS NEVER A HUGE FAN OF YOUR FLAG. 80 00:03:54,233 --> 00:03:57,111 BUT THE DUMBEST G.O.P. ARGUMENT AGAINST IMPEACHMENT MIGHT HAVE 81 00:03:57,195 --> 00:03:58,655 COME FROM WISCONSIN SENATOR RON JOHNSON, SEEN HERE AFTER BEING 82 00:03:58,738 --> 00:04:02,325 REMINDED TO BREATHE. 83 00:04:02,408 --> 00:04:06,371 ON SUNDAY, JOHNSON SAID IMPEACHMENT MIGHT BE A SINISTER 84 00:04:06,454 --> 00:04:07,872 DISTRACTION BY NANCY PELOSI. 85 00:04:07,956 --> 00:04:10,500 >> YOU HAVE TO KIND OF ASK THE QUESTION, "WHAT IS THIS 86 00:04:10,583 --> 00:04:13,169 IMPEACHMENT ALL ABOUT?" WE NOW KNOW THAT 45 REPUBLICAN 87 00:04:13,252 --> 00:04:15,630 SENATORS BELIEVE IT'S UNCONSTITUTIONAL. 88 00:04:15,713 --> 00:04:18,508 IS THIS ANOTHER DIVERSIONARY OPERATION? 89 00:04:18,591 --> 00:04:20,385 IS THIS MEANT TO DEFLECT AWAY FROM POTENTIALLY WHAT THE 90 00:04:20,468 --> 00:04:24,973 SPEAKER KNEW AND WHEN SHE KNEW IT? 91 00:04:25,056 --> 00:04:28,309 I DON'T KNOW, BUT I'M SUSPICIOUS. 92 00:04:28,393 --> 00:04:29,352 >> Stephen: OF COURSE! 93 00:04:29,435 --> 00:04:31,396 IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW! 94 00:04:31,479 --> 00:04:33,314 PELOSI DID EVERYTHING SHE COULD TO GET BIDEN ELECTED, KNOWING 95 00:04:33,398 --> 00:04:36,526 FULL WELL THAT THE FORMER PRESIDENT WOULD FOMENT LIES 96 00:04:36,609 --> 00:04:41,155 ABOUT HOW IT WAS RIGGED, CULMINATING IN A VIOLENT 97 00:04:41,239 --> 00:04:45,326 INSURRECTION, HOWLING FOR HER BLOOD IN THE TEMPLE OF AMERICAN 98 00:04:45,410 --> 00:04:47,704 DEMOCRACY, ALL SO SHE COULD HAVE HER PODIUM MOVED FOR FREE! 99 00:04:47,787 --> 00:04:52,917 YOU YOU WIN THIS TIME, NANCY! 100 00:04:53,001 --> 00:04:55,003 TODAY WAS BILLED AS "DRY LEGAL ARGUMENTS" OVER THE WORDING OF 101 00:04:55,086 --> 00:04:56,379 IMPEACHMENT IN THE CONSTITUTION. 102 00:04:56,462 --> 00:04:59,340 AND THE SENATORS SET ASIDE FOUR HOURS TO DEBATE THIS ISSUE. 103 00:04:59,424 --> 00:05:00,383 IF YOUR CONSTITUTIONAL ARGUMENT LASTS LONGER THAN FOUR HOURS, 104 00:05:00,466 --> 00:05:03,845 TRY HAVING SEX. 105 00:05:03,928 --> 00:05:07,390 IT'S WAY MORE FUN. 106 00:05:07,473 --> 00:05:10,768 BUT THE PROSECUTORS WENT STRAIGHT FOR THE HEART WITH A 107 00:05:10,852 --> 00:05:13,229 DEVASTATING VIDEO PROVING THE PRESIDENT'S RALLY AND THE RIOT 108 00:05:13,312 --> 00:05:15,815 AT THE CAPITOL WERE ONE AND THE SAME THING. 109 00:05:15,898 --> 00:05:23,781 I WOULD PLAY IT FOR YOU, BUT IT IS VERY HARD TO WATCH. 110 00:05:23,865 --> 00:05:27,201 YOU WOULD NEED A BOX OF KLEENEX-- IF NOT A PONCHO-- AND 111 00:05:27,285 --> 00:05:28,578 PERHAPS EVEN A DIAPER. 112 00:05:28,661 --> 00:05:30,413 IT WAS ESPECIALLY HARD TO WATCH FOR THE COWARDS IN THE SENATE, 113 00:05:30,496 --> 00:05:35,793 LIKE FLORIDA SENATOR RICK SCOTT, WHO STUDIED PAPERS IN HIS LAP, 114 00:05:35,877 --> 00:05:39,255 TAKING ONLY THE TINIEST GLIMPSES AT THE SCREEN TO HIS RIGHT. 115 00:05:39,338 --> 00:05:40,715 AND ARKANSAS SENATOR TOM COTTON, WHO ALSO FOCUSED ON PAPERS IN 116 00:05:40,798 --> 00:05:45,261 FRONT OF HIM INSTEAD OF ON THE IMAGES DEPICTING THE 117 00:05:45,344 --> 00:05:46,262 INSURRECTION AT THE CAPITOL. 118 00:05:46,346 --> 00:05:47,638 AND MARCO RUBIO DID THE SAME. 119 00:05:47,722 --> 00:05:48,890 AND RAND PAUL, WHO INSTEAD OF WATCHING, LOOKED DOWN AT THE PAD 120 00:05:48,973 --> 00:05:51,893 OF LINED PAPER IN HIS LAP, WHERE HE HAD ALREADY BEGUN DOODLING 121 00:05:51,976 --> 00:05:58,399 WITH A PENCIL. 122 00:05:58,483 --> 00:05:59,650 YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY GENTLEMEN: SEE NO EVIL, HEAR NO 123 00:05:59,734 --> 00:06:02,779 EVIL MAKES YOU SEEM KIND OF EVIL. 124 00:06:02,862 --> 00:06:04,113 I WONDER WHAT RAND PAUL WAS DOODLING INSTEAD OF LOOKING AT 125 00:06:04,197 --> 00:06:06,783 THE VIDEO. 126 00:06:06,866 --> 00:06:07,909 MAYBE A GAME OF HANGMAN? 127 00:06:07,992 --> 00:06:09,827 LET'S SEE HOW CLOSE HE GOT. 128 00:06:09,911 --> 00:06:11,287 MIKE-ENCE? 129 00:06:11,370 --> 00:06:14,749 SO WITH THAT 13-MINUTE VIDEO, HOUSE MANAGERS BASICALLY PROVED 130 00:06:14,832 --> 00:06:16,459 THEIR CASE: YOU CAN'T SEPARATE THE PRESIDENT'S RALLY FROM THE 131 00:06:16,542 --> 00:06:19,921 VIOLENT ATTACK ANY MORE THAN YOU CAN SEPARATE GORILLA GLUE FROM 132 00:06:20,004 --> 00:06:23,132 THAT LADY'S HAIR. 133 00:06:23,216 --> 00:06:25,802 TODAY, 44 REPUBLICAN SENATORS VOTED THAT THE TRIAL WAS 134 00:06:25,885 --> 00:06:31,474 UNCONSTITUTIONAL, BECAUSE THEY DON'T WANT TO HAVE THIS TRIAL. 135 00:06:31,557 --> 00:06:33,142 WELL, TOUGH NUTS. 136 00:06:33,226 --> 00:06:33,643 THE COUNTRY IS LIKE A BAR, AND THE LAST PRESIDENT PUKED IN THE 137 00:06:33,726 --> 00:06:35,144 BATHROOM. 138 00:06:35,228 --> 00:06:35,937 SOMEBODY'S GOT TO CLEAN IT UP, OR WE CAN'T USE THE BATHROOM 139 00:06:36,020 --> 00:06:38,981 ANYMORE. 140 00:06:39,065 --> 00:06:40,108 OH, AND YOU'RE THE ONE WHO DECIDED TO BE A BUSBOY. 141 00:06:40,191 --> 00:06:42,151 SO GRAB A MOP AND DO YOUR JOB. 142 00:06:42,235 --> 00:06:46,656 AND IF YOU CAN'T FIND A MOP, USE RAND PAUL'S HAIR. 143 00:06:46,739 --> 00:06:50,493 HOUSE MANAGER JAMIE RASKIN SPOKE ABOUT HOW DANGEROUS IT WOULD BE 144 00:06:50,576 --> 00:06:54,705 FOR THE COUNTRY IF THE SENATE COULDN'T TRY FORMER PRESIDENTS. 145 00:06:54,789 --> 00:06:59,335 >> THEIR ARGUMENT IS THAT IF YOU COMMIT AN IMPEACHABLE OFFENSE IN 146 00:06:59,418 --> 00:07:00,461 YOUR LAST FEW WEEKS IN OFFICE, YOU DO IT WITH CONSTITUTIONAL 147 00:07:00,545 --> 00:07:03,965 IMPUNITY. 148 00:07:04,048 --> 00:07:08,636 YOU GET AWAY WITH IT. 149 00:07:08,719 --> 00:07:11,973 THIS WOULD CREATE A BRAND-NEW JANUARY EXCEPTION TO THE 150 00:07:12,056 --> 00:07:17,687 CONSTITUTION OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA-- A JANUARY 151 00:07:17,770 --> 00:07:19,188 EXCEPTION. 152 00:07:19,272 --> 00:07:21,983 >> Stephen: YES, A JANUARY EXCEPTION-- WHICH IS WHAT I CALL 153 00:07:22,066 --> 00:07:23,151 IT WHEN I DO DRY JANUARY AND START DRINKING ON THE 7th 154 00:07:23,234 --> 00:07:25,528 BECAUSE OF WHAT HAPPENED ON THE 6th. 155 00:07:25,611 --> 00:07:27,864 AND HE'S RIGHT. 156 00:07:27,947 --> 00:07:29,699 IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE THAT FOR THEIR LAST MONTH IN OFFICE, 157 00:07:29,782 --> 00:07:33,202 PRESIDENTS GET TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT. 158 00:07:33,286 --> 00:07:35,872 IT'S LIKE IF, INSTEAD OF SENIOR SKIP DAY, HIGH SCHOOLS HAD 159 00:07:35,955 --> 00:07:36,998 SENIOR STAB DAY. 160 00:07:37,081 --> 00:07:39,750 MAYBE THE PRESIDENT'S LAWYERS ARE RIGHT. 161 00:07:39,834 --> 00:07:40,626 MAYBE THE FOUNDING FATHERS DID WANT PRESIDENTS TO GET AWAY WITH 162 00:07:40,710 --> 00:07:42,545 ANYTHING IN THE LAST PART OF THEIR TERM. 163 00:07:42,628 --> 00:07:47,717 THAT'S WHY THEY CALL IT THE "LAME DUCK." 164 00:07:47,800 --> 00:07:50,803 BECAUSE THERE'S NO MORE DANGEROUS ANIMAL THAN A CORNERED 165 00:07:50,887 --> 00:07:52,054 DUCK. 166 00:07:52,138 --> 00:07:56,100 OH, THEY'LL PECK AT YOUR SHINS LIKE THEY WERE CRUSTY BAGUETTES. 167 00:07:56,184 --> 00:07:58,186 AND WHEN IT CAME TO WHETHER THE PRESIDENT IS IMPEACHABLE AFTER 168 00:07:58,269 --> 00:07:59,937 LEAVING OFFICE, RASKIN REACHED BACK TO THE EARLY DAYS OF THE 169 00:08:00,021 --> 00:08:02,565 REPUBLIC. 170 00:08:02,648 --> 00:08:08,029 >> THE TRUE RULE WAS STATED BY FORMER PRESIDENT JOHN QUINCY 171 00:08:08,112 --> 00:08:12,033 ADAMS WHEN HE CATEGORICALLY DECLARED, "I HOLD MYSELF SO LONG 172 00:08:12,116 --> 00:08:16,037 AS I HAVE THE BREATH OF LIFE IN MY BODY AMENABLE TO IMPEACHMENT 173 00:08:16,120 --> 00:08:20,583 BY THE HOUSE FOR EVERYTHING I DID DURING THE TIME I HELD ANY 174 00:08:20,666 --> 00:08:24,045 PUBLIC OFFICE." 175 00:08:24,128 --> 00:08:28,049 >> Stephen: YES, INDEED. 176 00:08:28,132 --> 00:08:30,551 THAT IS JOHN QUINCY ADAMS' SECOND MOST FAMOUS QUOTE AFTER, 177 00:08:30,635 --> 00:08:31,427 "I'M NOT THE PAUL GIAMATTI ONE. 178 00:08:31,510 --> 00:08:32,637 THAT'S MY DAD." 179 00:08:32,720 --> 00:08:34,764 WHEN RASKIN WAS FINISHED, IMPEACHMENT MANAGER JOE NEGUSE 180 00:08:34,847 --> 00:08:38,392 TOOK OVER, AND HE GAVE THE SENATORS A HISTORY LESSON. 181 00:08:38,476 --> 00:08:42,438 >> IN 1797, ABOUT A DECADE AFTER OUR COUNTRY RATIFIED OUR 182 00:08:42,521 --> 00:08:46,108 CONSTITUTION, THERE WAS A SENATOR FROM TENNESSEE BY THE 183 00:08:46,192 --> 00:08:49,320 NAME OF WILLIAM BLUNT, WHO WAS CAUGHT CONSPIRING WITH THE 184 00:08:49,403 --> 00:08:54,408 BRITISH TO TRY TO SELL FLORIDA AND LOUISIANA. 185 00:08:54,492 --> 00:09:00,331 >> Stephen: FLORIDA AND LOUISIANA TO THE BRITISH? 186 00:09:00,414 --> 00:09:01,624 THAT'S CRAZY. 187 00:09:01,707 --> 00:09:06,462 REPUBLICANS KNOW A GREAT PRESIDENT OFFERS TO TRADE PUERTO 188 00:09:06,545 --> 00:09:08,005 RICO FOR GREENLAND TO DENMARK. 189 00:09:08,089 --> 00:09:09,340 NOW, KEEP IN MIND, THESE CONSTITUTIONAL ORIGINALISTS ARE 190 00:09:09,423 --> 00:09:10,633 ARGUING THAT YOU CAN'T IMPEACH SOMEONE ONCE THEY'VE LEFT 191 00:09:10,716 --> 00:09:12,426 OFFICE. 192 00:09:12,510 --> 00:09:14,470 WELL, NEGUSE CURB-STOMPED THAT WITH THE FOUNDERS' OWN BOOTS. 193 00:09:14,553 --> 00:09:18,474 >> FOUR DAYS LATER, THE HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES 194 00:09:18,557 --> 00:09:22,478 IMPEACHED HIM. 195 00:09:22,562 --> 00:09:25,022 A DAY AFTER THAT, THIS BODY, THE UNITED STATES SENATE, EXPELLED 196 00:09:25,106 --> 00:09:28,776 HIM FROM OFFICE, SO HE WAS VERY MUCH A FORMER OFFICIAL. 197 00:09:28,859 --> 00:09:29,819 DESPITE THAT, THE HOUSE WENT FORWARD WITH ITS IMPEACHMENT, 198 00:09:29,902 --> 00:09:38,494 PROCEEDING IN ORDER TO DISQUALIFY HIM FROM EVER AGAIN 199 00:09:38,577 --> 00:09:39,745 HOLDING FEDERAL OFFICE. 200 00:09:39,829 --> 00:09:42,456 AND SO THE SENATE PROCEEDED WITH THE TRIAL, WITH NONE OTHER THAN 201 00:09:42,540 --> 00:09:43,666 THOMAS JEFFERSON PRESIDING. 202 00:09:43,749 --> 00:09:45,668 >> Stephen: WOW. 203 00:09:45,751 --> 00:09:47,003 JEFFERSON HIMSELF PRESIDED. 204 00:09:47,086 --> 00:09:50,298 THAT'S GOING TO BE TOUGH FOR THE DEFENSE TO REFUTE. 205 00:09:50,381 --> 00:09:53,384 IT'S LIKE T.J. SAID, "ALL MEN ARE CREATED EQUAL, EXCEPT FOR 206 00:09:53,467 --> 00:09:54,510 THE 45th PRESIDENT'S LEGAL TEAM. 207 00:09:54,593 --> 00:09:57,638 WERE THEY KICKED IN THE HEAD BY A HORSE?" 208 00:09:57,722 --> 00:10:01,142 AFTER THAT, WE HEARD FROM ANOTHER IMPEACHMENT MANAGER, 209 00:10:01,225 --> 00:10:06,480 DAVID CICILLINI, WHO LAID A HARD TRUTH ON THE CROWD. 210 00:10:06,564 --> 00:10:09,650 >> MAKE NO MISTAKE ABOUT IT, AS YOU THINK ABOUT THAT DAY, THINGS 211 00:10:09,734 --> 00:10:13,946 COULD HAVE BEEN MUCH WORSE. 212 00:10:14,030 --> 00:10:18,200 AS ONE SENATOR SAID, "THEY COULD HAVE KILLED ALL OF US." 213 00:10:18,284 --> 00:10:23,706 >> Stephen: THAT IS CHILLING. 214 00:10:23,789 --> 00:10:26,417 I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO THE DEFENSE'S REBUTTAL. 215 00:10:26,500 --> 00:10:27,501 "OKAY, I SUPPOSE THEY COULD HAVE KILLED ALL OF US, BUT THEY 216 00:10:27,585 --> 00:10:28,878 REALLY ONLY WANTED TO KILL YOU GUYS. 217 00:10:28,961 --> 00:10:31,255 SO MOTION TO DISMISS? 218 00:10:31,339 --> 00:10:32,882 ANYONE? 219 00:10:32,965 --> 00:10:34,383 NO? 220 00:10:34,467 --> 00:10:37,720 AFTER A SHORT RECESS, IT WAS TIME FOR BRUCE CASTOR, THE 221 00:10:37,803 --> 00:10:40,848 PRESIDENT'S LAWYER, TO ARGUE ON HIS BEHALF. 222 00:10:40,931 --> 00:10:42,433 >> MY NAME IS BRUCE CASTOR. 223 00:10:42,516 --> 00:10:44,560 I AM THE LEAD PROSECUTOR-- LEAD COUNSEL FOR THE 45th PRESIDENT 224 00:10:44,644 --> 00:10:46,062 OF THE UNITED STATES. 225 00:10:46,145 --> 00:10:48,731 >> Stephen: ( AS CASTOR ) 226 00:10:48,814 --> 00:10:49,899 "I AM THE LEAD PROSECUTOR-- SORRY, THE DEFENSE-- HERE TO 227 00:10:49,982 --> 00:10:53,861 PROVE THAT THE PRESIDENT IS GUILTY-- SORRY, INNOCENT-- AND 228 00:10:53,944 --> 00:10:55,905 SHOULD BE SENT TO JAIL-- SORRY, TO MAR-A-LAGO! 229 00:10:55,988 --> 00:10:57,198 WOW. 230 00:10:57,281 --> 00:11:01,160 I GUESS FREUD'S MOM'S GOT MY PENIS-- I MEAN, MY CAT'S 231 00:11:01,243 --> 00:11:01,744 TONGUE!" ( LAUGHTER ) 232 00:11:01,827 --> 00:11:03,954 CAT'S TONGUE! 233 00:11:04,038 --> 00:11:06,540 BUT I'M NOT SURE WHICH SIDE CASTOR THOUGHT HE WAS ON, GIVEN 234 00:11:06,624 --> 00:11:12,546 HOW IMPRESSED HE WAS BY THE HOUSE MANAGERS' CASE. 235 00:11:12,630 --> 00:11:14,632 >> BEFORE I BEGIN, I WANT TO COMMENT ON THE OUTSTANDING 236 00:11:14,715 --> 00:11:16,384 PRESENTATION FROM OUR OPPONENTS. 237 00:11:16,467 --> 00:11:22,473 I'LL BE QUITE FRANK WITH YOU: WE CHANGED WHAT WE WERE GOING TO DO 238 00:11:22,556 --> 00:11:24,600 ON ACCOUNT THAT WE THOUGHT THE HOUSE MANAGERS' PRESENTATION WAS 239 00:11:24,683 --> 00:11:25,476 WELL DONE. 240 00:11:25,559 --> 00:11:32,775 >> Stephen: ( AS CASTOR ) 241 00:11:32,858 --> 00:11:34,443 "AND, UH, WHEN IT-- WHEN IT TURNED OUT THE OTHER GUYS WERE 242 00:11:34,527 --> 00:11:38,489 PREPARED, WE CALLED AN AUDIBLE AND DECIDED TO BE PREPARED 243 00:11:38,572 --> 00:11:40,116 OURSELVES. 244 00:11:40,199 --> 00:11:42,493 AND YOU ALL CAN IMAGINE HOW HARD OF A DECISION THAT WAS FOR US, 245 00:11:42,576 --> 00:11:45,913 SINCE WE ARE, AGAIN, COMPLETELY UNPREPARED." 246 00:11:45,996 --> 00:11:48,290 BUT I'LL GIVE CASTOR THIS: THE MAN CAN TALK. 247 00:11:48,374 --> 00:11:50,584 AND TALK. 248 00:11:50,668 --> 00:11:54,463 AND TALK. 249 00:11:54,547 --> 00:11:57,133 >> MY NAME IS BRUCE CASTOR. 250 00:11:57,216 --> 00:12:02,596 I AM THE LEAD PROSECUTOR-- LEAD COUNSEL FOR THE 45th PRESIDENT 251 00:12:02,680 --> 00:12:05,141 OF THE UNITED STATES. 252 00:12:05,224 --> 00:12:06,767 I WAS ASSISTANT D.A. FOR SUCH A LONG TIME... 253 00:12:06,851 --> 00:12:10,604 SENATORS OF THE UNITED STATES, THEY ARE NOT ORDINARY PEOPLE. 254 00:12:10,688 --> 00:12:14,650 THERE ARE EXTRAORDINARY PEOPLE... 255 00:12:14,733 --> 00:12:18,571 IT WAS HAPPENING IN ATHENS, AND IT WAS HAPPENING IN ROME... 256 00:12:18,654 --> 00:12:25,828 "HE WHO WOULD TRADE LIBERTY FOR SOME TEMPORARY SECURITY DESERVE 257 00:12:25,911 --> 00:12:26,829 NEITHER LIBERTY NOR SECURITY. 258 00:12:26,912 --> 00:12:28,831 I WORKED IN THIS BUILDING 40 YEARS AGO. 259 00:12:28,914 --> 00:12:30,624 I GOT LOST THEN, AND I STILL DO. 260 00:12:30,708 --> 00:12:33,669 >> Stephen: I CAN TELL! 261 00:12:33,752 --> 00:12:34,879 CASTOR WAS SO RAMBLING, THERE WERE TIMES IT SEEMED LIKE HIS 262 00:12:34,962 --> 00:12:38,924 PLAN WAS TO PUT EVERYBODY TO SLEEP, THEN GRAB THE ARTICLES OF 263 00:12:39,008 --> 00:12:41,302 IMPEACHMENT AND JUST TIPTOE OUT. 264 00:12:41,385 --> 00:12:42,845 EVEN C-SPAN TRIED TO SAVE THEIR RATINGS BY SWITCHING TO LIVE 265 00:12:42,928 --> 00:12:47,850 TESTIMONY FROM THE HOUSE SUBCOMMITTEE ON PAINT DRYING. 266 00:12:47,933 --> 00:12:50,853 NOW, OCCASIONALLY, CASTOR STUMBLED ON AN ACTUAL POINT-- 267 00:12:50,936 --> 00:12:53,856 LIKE WHEN HE ARGUED IMPEACHMENT SHOULDN'T HAPPEN VERY MUCH. 268 00:12:53,939 --> 00:13:00,863 >> UNTIL THE IMPEACHMENT OF BILL CLINTON, NO ONE ALIVE HAD EVER 269 00:13:00,946 --> 00:13:06,660 LIVED THROUGH A PRESIDENTIAL IMPEACHMENT, NOT UNLESS SOME OF 270 00:13:06,744 --> 00:13:08,204 YOU ARE 150 YEARS OLD. 271 00:13:08,287 --> 00:13:10,539 NOT A SINGLE PERSON ALIVE HAD LIVED THROUGH A PRESIDENTIAL 272 00:13:10,623 --> 00:13:11,540 IMPEACHMENT. 273 00:13:11,624 --> 00:13:14,710 NOW MOST OF US HAVE LIVED THROUGH THREE OF THEM. 274 00:13:14,793 --> 00:13:22,676 THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE THE ULTIMATE SAFETY VALVE, THE LAST 275 00:13:22,760 --> 00:13:33,521 THING THAT HAPPENS, THE MOST RARE TREATMENT. 276 00:13:33,604 --> 00:13:33,896 >> Stephen: IDEALLY, YEAH, BUT IT'S NOT A REQUIREMENT FOR THEM 277 00:13:33,979 --> 00:13:36,106 TO BE RARE. 278 00:13:36,190 --> 00:13:38,609 THAT'S LIKE THE POLICE GOING, "WELL, PROSECUTING TRIPLE 279 00:13:38,692 --> 00:13:43,906 HOMICIDES IS SUPPOSED TO BE A RARE OCCURRENCE. 280 00:13:43,989 --> 00:13:46,659 WE HAD ONE LAST WEEK, SO LET'S CALL THESE THREE HEADLESS BODIES 281 00:13:46,742 --> 00:13:47,701 AN OOPSY-DAISY." 282 00:13:47,785 --> 00:13:48,869 COULD THEY HAVE BEEN SLEEPING ON A RAILROAD TRACK? 283 00:13:48,953 --> 00:13:51,705 THEN WE GOT ANOTHER ONE OF THE PRESIDENT'S LAWYERS, DAVID 284 00:13:51,789 --> 00:13:54,625 SCHOEN, WHO PLAYED "BAD COP" TO CASTOR'S "BAD LAWYER." 285 00:13:54,708 --> 00:13:55,918 AND SOMEHOW, AFTER BEING LITERALLY ATTACKED BY A MOB, 286 00:13:56,001 --> 00:13:58,754 SCHOEN ARGUED THAT THE REAL THREAT TO THE SENATE WAS THE 287 00:13:58,837 --> 00:14:00,047 IMPEACHMENT HEARING ITSELF. 288 00:14:00,130 --> 00:14:02,424 >> I CAN PROMISE YOU THAT IF THESE PROCEEDINGS GO FORWARD, 289 00:14:02,508 --> 00:14:03,551 EVERYONE WILL LOOK BAD. 290 00:14:03,634 --> 00:14:08,847 >> Stephen: WELL, THAT'S WHY WE OPEN WITH YOU CLOWNS. 291 00:14:08,931 --> 00:14:13,269 IT MAKES EVERYONE ELSE LOOK GOOD BY COMPARISON. 292 00:14:13,352 --> 00:14:14,770 SCHOEN TRIED TO DEFEND HIS CLIENT BY PLAYING A MONTAGE OF 293 00:14:14,853 --> 00:14:18,732 DEMOCRATS SAYING THEY WANTED TO IMPEACH AS FAR BACK AS 2017. 294 00:14:18,816 --> 00:14:21,694 UH, DAVE? 295 00:14:21,777 --> 00:14:22,736 THAT'S NOT THE KNOCKOUT PUNCH YOU THINK IT IS. 296 00:14:22,820 --> 00:14:24,446 ( AS LAWYER ) "YOUR HONOR, MY CLIENT DID NOT 297 00:14:24,530 --> 00:14:25,614 BURN DOWN THAT SCHOOL. 298 00:14:25,698 --> 00:14:26,740 I PRESENT TO THE COURT THREE YEARS OF 911 CALLS SAYING HE'S 299 00:14:26,824 --> 00:14:30,744 AN ARSONIST." 300 00:14:30,828 --> 00:14:32,788 SCHOEN SEEMED AWARE THAT HE WAS GOING ON FOR A LONG TIME. 301 00:14:32,871 --> 00:14:36,542 >> I KNOW THIS IS A LOT TO LISTEN TO AT ONCE, A LOT OF 302 00:14:36,625 --> 00:14:38,711 WORDS, BUT WORDS ARE WHAT MAKE OUR CONSTITUTION, QUITE FRANKLY. 303 00:14:38,794 --> 00:14:41,755 >> Stephen: REALLY? 304 00:14:41,839 --> 00:14:42,423 WORDS? 305 00:14:42,506 --> 00:14:43,757 YOU DID GO TO LAW SCHOOL. 306 00:14:43,841 --> 00:14:45,009 ( AS SCHOEN ) "OUR CONSTITUTION'S MADE OF 307 00:14:45,092 --> 00:14:47,303 WORDS! 308 00:14:47,386 --> 00:14:52,850 WEIRD WORDS, WHERE THE "S's" LOOK LIKE "F's", AND CAPITAL 309 00:14:52,933 --> 00:14:54,310 LETTERS HAVE WEIRD FRILLS ON THE END, AND THE PAPER'S YELLOW AND 310 00:14:54,393 --> 00:14:54,852 CRACKED FOR SOME REASON! 311 00:14:54,935 --> 00:14:55,853 IT'S A SCARY DOCUMENT. 312 00:14:55,936 --> 00:14:58,147 THERE'S A TREASURE MAP ON THE BACK. 313 00:14:58,230 --> 00:14:59,189 THE DEFENSE RESTS." 314 00:14:59,273 --> 00:15:01,817 WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT 315 00:15:01,900 --> 00:15:02,818 MY GUEST IS JOHN OLIVER. 316 00:15:02,901 --> 00:15:06,864 STICK AROUND. 317 00:15:25,090 --> 00:15:32,848 ♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: LADIES AND 318 00:15:32,931 --> 00:15:39,355 GENTLEMEN, HE'S THE HOST OF "LAST WEEK TONIGHT" ON HBO AND 319 00:15:39,438 --> 00:15:41,023 A DELIGHTFUL HUMAN BEING. 320 00:15:41,106 --> 00:15:43,359 PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO "A LATE SHOW," MR. JOHN OLIVER! 321 00:15:43,442 --> 00:15:45,027 JOHN OLIVER, GOOD TO SEE YOU. 322 00:15:45,110 --> 00:15:48,697 THANK YOU FOR JOINING US FROM YOUR INTEL STERILE ROOM. 323 00:15:48,781 --> 00:15:51,533 YOU LOOK LIKE YOU'RE PROCESSING MICROCHIPS IN THERE. 324 00:15:51,617 --> 00:15:55,037 >> THAT'S RIGHT, THAT'S RIGHT. 325 00:15:55,120 --> 00:16:00,876 I'M BRINGING STRONG MIC TV FROM THE FIRST "CHARLIE AND THE 326 00:16:00,959 --> 00:16:02,169 CHOCOLATE FACTORY" FILM ENERGY HERE. 327 00:16:02,252 --> 00:16:03,045 >> Stephen: THAT IS VERY GOOD. 328 00:16:03,128 --> 00:16:07,174 THIS IS YOUR 13th APPEARANCE. 329 00:16:07,257 --> 00:16:07,466 CONGRATULATIONS. 330 00:16:07,549 --> 00:16:08,050 >> WOW. 331 00:16:08,133 --> 00:16:09,218 >> Stephen: LUCKY 13. 332 00:16:09,301 --> 00:16:12,805 ONLY BERNIE SANDERS HAS APPEARED ON THE SHOW MORE THAN YOU. 333 00:16:12,888 --> 00:16:14,515 >> THAT SEEMS ABOUT RIGHT. 334 00:16:14,598 --> 00:16:16,725 >> Stephen: YOU'RE TIED WITH JOHN DICKERSON. 335 00:16:16,809 --> 00:16:19,895 SO-- I DON'T KNOW-- >> WAIT, HOW IS JOHN DICKERSON 336 00:16:19,978 --> 00:16:21,939 IN THE GROUP WITH THE THREE OF US? 337 00:16:22,022 --> 00:16:23,691 I'LL TAKE SANDERS, SURE. 338 00:16:23,774 --> 00:16:26,694 IT'S AN HONEST-- HOW IS JOHN DICKERSON APPEARING SO MUCH ON 339 00:16:26,777 --> 00:16:29,947 YOUR SHOW, OTHER THAN THAT BEING-- RIGHT, IS THAT SINNER 340 00:16:30,030 --> 00:16:32,074 GEE? 341 00:16:32,157 --> 00:16:34,243 >> Stephen: IT'S CALLED CROSS-PLATFORM SYNERGY? 342 00:16:34,326 --> 00:16:35,202 DO YOU UNDERSTAND? 343 00:16:35,285 --> 00:16:36,954 >> THAT'S WHAT IT'S ALL ABOUT. 344 00:16:37,037 --> 00:16:40,082 I LOVE IT? 345 00:16:40,165 --> 00:16:42,292 >> CBS-PARAMOUNT. 346 00:16:42,376 --> 00:16:47,089 PARAMOUNT-PLUS.DID YOU WATCH THE BOWL? 347 00:16:47,172 --> 00:16:49,091 >> I DID, I DID WATCH IT, YEAH. 348 00:16:49,174 --> 00:16:50,217 I WATCHED IT, YEAH. 349 00:16:50,300 --> 00:16:51,593 >> Stephen: AND DID YOU HAVE ANY REACTION? 350 00:16:51,677 --> 00:16:55,973 >> I MEAN, YOU KNOW, IT WAS A BOLD TING TO DO IT DURING A 351 00:16:56,056 --> 00:16:57,599 PANDEMIC, DEFINITELY. 352 00:16:57,683 --> 00:17:00,102 I HAD A FRIEND OF MINE TEXT ME FROM ENGLAND JUST SAYING, "I 353 00:17:00,185 --> 00:17:03,147 DIDN'T KNOW THERE WERE GOING TO BE PEOPLE THERE WATCHING IT IN 354 00:17:03,230 --> 00:17:04,857 THE STAND. 355 00:17:04,940 --> 00:17:05,441 BUT THAT'S HAPPENING. 356 00:17:05,524 --> 00:17:06,567 >> Stephen: 25,000 PEOPLE. 357 00:17:06,650 --> 00:17:11,321 >> IT'S HAPPENING IN TAMPA IN EVERY SENSE OF THE WORD. 358 00:17:11,405 --> 00:17:15,242 THE BIG TAKEAWAY FROM ME AND I WAS NOT AWARE OF THIS GOING IN-- 359 00:17:15,325 --> 00:17:16,243 I'M THE SAME AGE AS TOM BRADY. 360 00:17:16,326 --> 00:17:20,247 >> Stephen: REALLY? 361 00:17:20,330 --> 00:17:20,998 YOU'RE 43? 362 00:17:21,081 --> 00:17:25,127 >> IT DOES NOT. 363 00:17:25,210 --> 00:17:26,253 >> -- >> Stephen: MY GOODNESS. 364 00:17:26,336 --> 00:17:31,258 I THOUGHT THE IRISH AGED QUICKLY. 365 00:17:31,341 --> 00:17:32,593 COLLAGEN. 366 00:17:32,676 --> 00:17:33,135 COLLAGEN SUPPLEMENTS AND UP, ALWAYS UP, JOHN, UP. 367 00:17:33,218 --> 00:17:35,053 ( LAUGHTER ). 368 00:17:35,137 --> 00:17:37,765 >> A LOT OF PEOPLE FALL INTO TWO CAMPS RIGHT? 369 00:17:37,848 --> 00:17:41,643 THERE IS ONE GROUP OF PEOPLE YOU TELL SOMEBODY AND THEY GO, "WOW, 370 00:17:41,727 --> 00:17:43,645 YOU LOOK GREAT." 371 00:17:43,729 --> 00:17:46,815 AND ANOTHER GROUP YOU TELL AND THEY GO, "OH, ( BLEEP )." 372 00:17:46,899 --> 00:17:47,441 I THINK I'M IN CAMP TWO. 373 00:17:47,524 --> 00:17:49,151 >> Stephen: A LITTLE BIT. 374 00:17:49,234 --> 00:17:50,986 SO YOU SEE HIM OUT THERE. 375 00:17:51,069 --> 00:17:52,279 >> YES. 376 00:17:52,362 --> 00:17:57,159 >> Stephen: DOES HE INSPIRE YOU TO GO VEGAN OR ONLY DRINK 377 00:17:57,242 --> 00:17:58,827 ALPINE WATER? 378 00:17:58,911 --> 00:18:01,663 >> DRINK AN AMOUNT OF WATER THAT IS TECHNICALLY DROWNING EVERY 379 00:18:01,747 --> 00:18:02,039 DAY? 380 00:18:02,122 --> 00:18:03,499 NOT REALLY. 381 00:18:03,582 --> 00:18:05,292 HONESTLY WHAT, HIT ME EVEN HARDER, AND I KNEW THIS-- I 382 00:18:05,375 --> 00:18:10,881 FOUND OUT LAST YEAR-- I AM THE EXACT SAME AGE TO THE DAY AS 383 00:18:10,964 --> 00:18:11,340 JOHN CEENA. 384 00:18:11,423 --> 00:18:12,883 >> Stephen: WOW. 385 00:18:12,966 --> 00:18:15,636 >> WE WERE BORN ON THE EXACT SAME DAY, EXACT SAME YEAR, TWO 386 00:18:15,719 --> 00:18:18,680 BABIES FROM DIFFERENT COUNTRIES WHO VERY MUCH BIOLOGICALLY CHOSE 387 00:18:18,764 --> 00:18:20,057 TO GO IN TWO DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS. 388 00:18:20,140 --> 00:18:25,312 >> Stephen: JOHN CEENA LOOKS LIKE TOM BRADY ATE JOHN OLIVER. 389 00:18:25,395 --> 00:18:26,396 >> IT'S AMAZING. 390 00:18:26,480 --> 00:18:30,359 I THINK OF JOHN CEENA EVERY BIRTHDAY NOW, SPECIFICALLY 391 00:18:30,442 --> 00:18:32,152 THINKING, I'M NOT JUST ONE STEP CLOSER TO DEATH. 392 00:18:32,236 --> 00:18:37,032 I'M ABOUT 20 STEPS CLOSER TO DEATH THAN HE IS. 393 00:18:37,115 --> 00:18:43,247 >> Stephen: LET'S-- LET'S TALK ABOUT YOUR LOVE, AND THAT IS 394 00:18:43,330 --> 00:18:46,208 WHAT EVERYONE IN THE WORLD CALLS FOOTBALL. 395 00:18:46,291 --> 00:18:46,750 >> YES. 396 00:18:46,834 --> 00:18:47,209 >> Stephen: FOOTBALL. 397 00:18:47,292 --> 00:18:48,210 >> YES. 398 00:18:48,293 --> 00:18:50,379 >> Stephen: AND WHAT WE CALL SOCCER. 399 00:18:50,462 --> 00:18:54,216 BEFORE WE GET INTO ACTUALLY THE WHYS AND THE WHEREVERS OF THE 400 00:18:54,299 --> 00:18:57,219 GAME, AND YOUR FIRST LOVE, LIVERED POOL, LET'S TALK SNACKS. 401 00:18:57,302 --> 00:19:03,851 WHO HAS BETTER GAME SNACKS, YOUR HOME COUNTRY, GREAT BRITAIN, OR 402 00:19:03,934 --> 00:19:04,977 THE UNITED STATES? 403 00:19:05,060 --> 00:19:08,230 LIKE WHAT-- WHAT GETS LAID OUT ON THE SPREAD AT HOME WHEN 404 00:19:08,313 --> 00:19:12,943 YOU'RE WATCHING A FOOTBALL-- WHATEVER YOU CALL FOOTBALL? 405 00:19:13,026 --> 00:19:16,238 >> WHEN WE'RE WATCHING OUR FOOTBALL, THE SPORT IS KIND OF 406 00:19:16,321 --> 00:19:20,075 THE MAIN EVENT THERE, SO SNACKS AREN'T QUITE AS BIG A PART OF 407 00:19:20,158 --> 00:19:21,535 IT. 408 00:19:21,618 --> 00:19:24,371 SNACKS AND HALFTIME SHOWS AREN'T QUITE AS BIG A PART OF IT AS YOU 409 00:19:24,454 --> 00:19:26,081 HAVE. 410 00:19:26,164 --> 00:19:31,920 THERE'S NOT A KIND OF LOADED-- NO, YOU BASICALLY WATCH, AND IT 411 00:19:32,004 --> 00:19:33,922 GETS YOUR FULL UNDIVIDED ATTENTION. 412 00:19:34,006 --> 00:19:40,262 >> Stephen: SO YOU NEVER GET TO SEE MATTHEW McCONAUGHEY IN 413 00:19:40,345 --> 00:19:40,762 2D.? 414 00:19:40,846 --> 00:19:42,139 >> WE DON'T. 415 00:19:42,222 --> 00:19:45,225 IF WE EVER GET TO EAT THERE'S A SAD HALF-PIE WE GET TO EAT. 416 00:19:45,309 --> 00:19:50,564 >> Stephen: SOMETHING CALLED A PUDDING BUT IT'S HARD? 417 00:19:50,647 --> 00:19:51,315 >> IT'S HEARTBREAKING. 418 00:19:51,398 --> 00:19:53,400 THAT'S THE KIND OF FOOD YOU HAVE. 419 00:19:53,483 --> 00:19:55,235 >> Stephen: AND YOU'RE THINKING-- THEY'RE CALLING IT A 420 00:19:55,319 --> 00:19:58,572 MEAT PIE, BUT YOU'RE NOT EXACTLY SURE WHAT MEAT THAT IS. 421 00:19:58,655 --> 00:20:02,993 >> IT FEELS LIKE YOU ONLY NEED TWO PROPERTIES TO JUSTIFY 422 00:20:03,076 --> 00:20:06,955 CALLING YOURSELF A MEAT PIE, AND I DON'T SEE EITHER OF THEM ON 423 00:20:07,039 --> 00:20:08,123 DISPLAY HERE. 424 00:20:08,206 --> 00:20:09,291 >> Stephen: IT'S MOSTLY FILTRATION ORGAN. 425 00:20:09,374 --> 00:20:12,294 WE HAVE TO TAKE A QUICK BREAK, EVERYBODY, BUT WHEN WE COME 426 00:20:12,377 --> 00:20:16,298 BACK, I WILL ASK MR. OLIVER HIS THOUGHTS ON THE IMPEACHMENT THAT 427 00:20:16,381 --> 00:20:18,967 STARTED THIS WEEK. 428 00:20:19,051 --> 00:20:20,385 ♪ ♪ ♪ 429 00:20:31,855 --> 00:20:36,068 ♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: WE'RE BACK WITH JOHN 430 00:20:36,151 --> 00:20:39,821 OLIVER, STAR OF "JOHN OLIVER IS ON TV THIS WEEK." 431 00:20:39,905 --> 00:20:40,989 JOHN OLIVER. 432 00:20:41,073 --> 00:20:44,660 SO ENGLAND HAS THE PREMIERE LEAGUE CHAMPIONSHIP OVER THERE, 433 00:20:44,743 --> 00:20:48,830 AND OVER THE SUMMER, THEY HAD THEIR WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP THAT 434 00:20:48,914 --> 00:20:50,832 THE ALL WHOLE WORLD PLAYS IN, RIGHT? 435 00:20:50,916 --> 00:20:54,795 OR WAS IS THAT JUST IN-- IT WAS JUST GREAT BRITAIN PLAYING EACH 436 00:20:54,878 --> 00:20:55,379 OTHER? 437 00:20:55,462 --> 00:20:56,505 >> THAT'S THE WORLD CUP. 438 00:20:56,588 --> 00:20:57,798 YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT THE WORLD CUP THERE. 439 00:20:57,881 --> 00:20:58,465 >> Stephen: I DON'T KNOW. 440 00:20:58,548 --> 00:20:59,216 >> YOU REALLY DON'T KNOW. 441 00:20:59,299 --> 00:21:01,009 >> Stephen: I'M TRYING TO BE NICE. 442 00:21:01,093 --> 00:21:02,010 I'M JUST TRYING TO BE NICE, MAN. 443 00:21:02,094 --> 00:21:07,057 >> YOU KNOW SOMETHING -- >> Stephen: CROSS-PLATFORM 444 00:21:07,140 --> 00:21:08,475 SYNERGY. 445 00:21:08,558 --> 00:21:12,187 >> THEY DON'T KEEP YOU UP AT NIGHT WE'RE GOING LIVE AFTER THE 446 00:21:12,270 --> 00:21:13,188 WORLD CUP. 447 00:21:13,271 --> 00:21:15,399 SAY SOMETHING ABOUT THAT AND MENTION BUDWEISER. 448 00:21:15,482 --> 00:21:16,608 THEY DON'T SAY THAT TO YOU? 449 00:21:16,692 --> 00:21:17,901 >> NOT YET. 450 00:21:17,985 --> 00:21:19,861 BUT THANKS FOR GIVING THEM THE IDEA. 451 00:21:19,945 --> 00:21:23,865 WHO KNOWS WHAT HAPPENS ON PARAMOUNT-PLUS. 452 00:21:23,949 --> 00:21:25,701 THAT'S ALL ANYONE IS TALKING ABOUT. 453 00:21:25,784 --> 00:21:27,661 THAT'S IT. 454 00:21:27,744 --> 00:21:29,705 THAT'S THE NATIONAL CONVERSATION. 455 00:21:29,788 --> 00:21:32,416 MOST OF MY MONOLOGUE TONIGHT WAS ABOUT PARAMOUNT-PLUS. 456 00:21:32,499 --> 00:21:34,710 OH, THE IMPEACHMENT. 457 00:21:34,793 --> 00:21:39,589 LAST YEAR, YOU WERE HAPPY BECAUSE YOUR SERIES DIDN'T START 458 00:21:39,673 --> 00:21:42,217 UNTIL AFTER IMPEACHMENT WAS OVER, RIGHT? 459 00:21:42,300 --> 00:21:45,846 IT WAS OVER AT THIS POINT LAST YEAR, SO YOU MISSED THE WHOLE 460 00:21:45,929 --> 00:21:46,972 THING. 461 00:21:47,055 --> 00:21:48,890 BUT NOW THEY CAME IN, THEY JUST SNAGGED YOU AT THE END. 462 00:21:48,974 --> 00:21:51,893 DID YOU WATCH ANY OF THE PROCEEDINGS TODAY? 463 00:21:51,977 --> 00:21:54,438 >> I'VE JUST-- I'VE JUST BEEN CATCHING UP ON IT. 464 00:21:54,521 --> 00:21:56,356 AND IT SEEMED LIKE IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE NOTHING, RIGHT? 465 00:21:56,440 --> 00:21:59,693 >> Stephen: RIGHT, IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE JUST 466 00:21:59,776 --> 00:22:02,738 PARLIAMENTARY PROCEDURE OR ARGUING OVER THE 467 00:22:02,821 --> 00:22:03,947 CONSTITUTIONALITY-- SUPER CRY. 468 00:22:04,031 --> 00:22:06,408 >> IT WAS A PERFECT ECHO OF THE TRUMP PRESIDENCY-- SOMETHING 469 00:22:06,491 --> 00:22:09,369 THAT IS SUPPOSED TO BE NOTHING IS MADE VERY MUCH SOMETHING. 470 00:22:09,453 --> 00:22:13,915 I GATHER THAT THE FIRST LAWYER ENGAGED IN THE KIND OF 471 00:22:13,999 --> 00:22:16,543 FREE-STYLE BEAT POETRY FOR A WHILE. 472 00:22:16,626 --> 00:22:18,754 >> Stephen: I THOUGHT HE WAS JUST TRYING TO RUN OUT THE 473 00:22:18,837 --> 00:22:20,213 CLOCK. 474 00:22:20,297 --> 00:22:21,548 HE WAS LIKE, "OKAY, I GOT TO DO AT LEAST AN HOUR HERE. 475 00:22:21,631 --> 00:22:28,930 YOU KNOW, THE ANCIENT GREEKS WERE VERY... 476 00:22:29,014 --> 00:22:30,557 GOOD WITH THE... 477 00:22:30,640 --> 00:22:34,770 AND WHO CAN FORGET HOW THE ROMANS DID IT." 478 00:22:34,853 --> 00:22:38,774 >> MAYBE HE HAD A STAGE MANAGER LIKE YOU'VE GOT MARK JUST 479 00:22:38,857 --> 00:22:41,777 STANDING BEHIND THE CAMERA GOING, "YOU HAVE TO GO. 480 00:22:41,860 --> 00:22:43,028 YOU HAVE TO GO LONGER." 481 00:22:43,111 --> 00:22:45,572 >> Stephen: WHAT PEOPLE DON'T KNOW IS MY STAGE MANAGER IS YOUR 482 00:22:45,655 --> 00:22:47,240 STAGE MANAGER. 483 00:22:47,324 --> 00:22:48,909 BUT HE DOESN'T DO THIS FOR YOU, BECAUSE YOU DON'T HAVE GUESTS. 484 00:22:48,992 --> 00:22:49,951 >> YEAH,█ç THAT'S TRUE. 485 00:22:50,035 --> 00:22:53,413 >> Stephen: RIGHT NOW, RIGHT NOW, MARK IS GOING... 486 00:22:53,497 --> 00:22:54,581 >> HE DOES THE OPPOSITE. 487 00:22:54,664 --> 00:22:56,666 HE GOES LIKE THIS. 488 00:22:56,750 --> 00:22:57,334 "GO FASTER. 489 00:22:57,417 --> 00:22:58,794 GO FASTER. 490 00:22:58,877 --> 00:22:59,961 GO FASTER." 491 00:23:00,045 --> 00:23:00,754 LIKE A JOCKEY. 492 00:23:00,837 --> 00:23:03,131 "GO, GO, GO.33 TALK FASTER." 493 00:23:03,215 --> 00:23:04,341 >> Stephen: YOU'RE NOT THAT SMALL. 494 00:23:04,424 --> 00:23:09,179 YOU'RE NOT JOHN CEENA, BUT YOU'RE NOT A JOCKEY. 495 00:23:09,262 --> 00:23:09,805 HAVE SOME SELF-RESPECT. 496 00:23:09,888 --> 00:23:11,973 >> NO, MARK IS THE JOCKEY. 497 00:23:12,057 --> 00:23:12,933 I'M THE HORSE. 498 00:23:13,016 --> 00:23:14,601 >> Stephen: OH, HE'S THE JOCKEY. 499 00:23:14,684 --> 00:23:15,644 >> HE'S THE JOCKEY. 500 00:23:15,727 --> 00:23:17,979 >> Stephen: OKAY, SEASON STARTS SUNDAY. 501 00:23:18,063 --> 00:23:18,814 VALENTINE'S DAY. 502 00:23:18,897 --> 00:23:19,981 >> YES. 503 00:23:20,065 --> 00:23:21,817 >> Stephen: DO YOU HAVE-- WOULD YOU RECOMMEND YOUR SHOW 504 00:23:21,900 --> 00:23:22,484 FOR A FIRST DATE? 505 00:23:22,567 --> 00:23:25,821 >> I MEAN, I WOULD-- IT DEPENDS. 506 00:23:25,904 --> 00:23:27,948 I WOULD RECOMMEND IT FOR A LAST DATE. 507 00:23:28,031 --> 00:23:29,366 THAT'S FOR SURE. 508 00:23:29,449 --> 00:23:32,661 VALENTINE'S DAY IS NOT JUST FOR PEOPLE IN HAPPY RELATIONSHIPS. 509 00:23:32,744 --> 00:23:35,664 IT'S ALSO FOR PEOPLE WHO WANT TO FIND A WAY TO GET OUT OF A 510 00:23:35,747 --> 00:23:36,998 RELATIONSHIP. 511 00:23:37,082 --> 00:23:38,250 AND I DON'T THINK THERE'S A CLEANER WAY OUT OF A 512 00:23:38,333 --> 00:23:41,503 RELATIONSHIP THAN SAYING, "LET'S SIT DOWN AND ENJOY THE ROMANTIC 513 00:23:41,586 --> 00:23:45,841 STYLINGS OF 'LAST WEEK TONIGHT' ON HBO. 514 00:23:45,924 --> 00:23:46,383 YOU WANT TO GET OUT? 515 00:23:46,466 --> 00:23:48,718 I'LL GET YOU OUT." 516 00:23:48,802 --> 00:23:51,346 >> Stephen: DO YOU HAVE A ROMANTIC SUBJECT THIS WEEK OR DO 517 00:23:51,429 --> 00:23:52,472 YOU NOT KNOW YET? 518 00:23:52,556 --> 00:23:54,182 IS IT STILL COOKING? 519 00:23:54,266 --> 00:23:58,854 >> I LIKE TO THINK THAT EVERY-- EVERY SUBJECT WE TOUCH ON HAS A 520 00:23:58,937 --> 00:24:02,649 KIND OF ROMANTIC TO IT, WOULD YOU NOT AGREE WITH THAT? 521 00:24:02,732 --> 00:24:04,234 >> Stephen: SURE, SURE. 522 00:24:04,317 --> 00:24:06,820 >> THERE'S A KIND OF I THINK SEXUAL TENSION CRACKLING THROUGH 523 00:24:06,903 --> 00:24:08,238 ANY STORY THAT WE DO. 524 00:24:08,321 --> 00:24:11,741 SO I CERTAINLY HOPE THAT-- I HOPE THAT WILL BE PRESENT, 525 00:24:11,825 --> 00:24:13,243 WHATEVER IT IS. 526 00:24:13,326 --> 00:24:14,411 >> Stephen: I'LL TELL YOU WHO-- I'LL TELL YOU WHO MIGHT 527 00:24:14,494 --> 00:24:17,873 GET A LITTLE TURNED ON BY YOUR SHOW IS ANYONE IN THE FURRY 528 00:24:17,956 --> 00:24:18,248 COMMUNITY. 529 00:24:18,331 --> 00:24:19,457 >> OH, RIGHT. 530 00:24:19,541 --> 00:24:21,710 >> Stephen: BECAUSE YOU HAVE QUITE FAMOUSLY-- LIKE, YOU DON'T 531 00:24:21,793 --> 00:24:23,879 HAVE A LOT OF GUESTS. 532 00:24:23,962 --> 00:24:25,380 >> ALMOST NONE. 533 00:24:25,463 --> 00:24:27,591 >> Stephen: ALMOST NO GUESTS, BUT YOU DO HAVE A LOT OF 534 00:24:27,674 --> 00:24:28,842 MASCOTS. 535 00:24:28,925 --> 00:24:29,509 >> YES. 536 00:24:29,593 --> 00:24:31,052 >> Stephen: THERE YOU GO. 537 00:24:31,136 --> 00:24:32,846 WE HAVE THE SPACE GEKO. 538 00:24:32,929 --> 00:24:34,890 JEFF THE DISEASED LUNG. 539 00:24:34,973 --> 00:24:40,020 MR. NUTTER BUTTER AND HIS BARBER SHOP SQUIRREL QUARTET. 540 00:24:40,103 --> 00:24:40,729 AND QIONG. 541 00:24:40,812 --> 00:24:42,898 AM I PRONOUNCING THAT CORRECTLY? 542 00:24:42,981 --> 00:24:43,773 >> YOU ARE. 543 00:24:43,857 --> 00:24:45,567 >> Stephen: THESE LOOK EXPENSIVE. 544 00:24:45,650 --> 00:24:47,527 I-- I-- DO YOU MAKE THEM YOURSELVES? 545 00:24:47,611 --> 00:24:51,072 I MEAN, DOES YOUR SHOW-- I ASSUME YOU DON'T SEW THEM. 546 00:24:51,156 --> 00:24:54,117 >> NO, NO. 547 00:24:54,201 --> 00:24:58,371 A MAGNIFICENT MASCOTT MAKER CALLED BOB FLANAGAN MAKES THEM. 548 00:24:58,455 --> 00:24:59,706 HE'S VERY, VERY BEAUTIFUL. 549 00:24:59,789 --> 00:25:03,043 AND HBO WILL NEVER FIND OUT HOW MUCH THEY COST. 550 00:25:03,126 --> 00:25:04,544 >> Stephen: WHERE DO YOU KEEP THEM? 551 00:25:04,628 --> 00:25:07,380 WHERE DO YOU KEEP THEM WHEN YOU'RE NOT USING THEM? 552 00:25:07,464 --> 00:25:09,549 I IMAGINE THE STORAGE COSTS ARE CONSIDERABLE. 553 00:25:09,633 --> 00:25:11,927 >> WE USED TO KEEP THEM IN OUR OFFICES. 554 00:25:12,010 --> 00:25:15,305 REMEMBER OFFICES, WHEN YOU WOULD GATHER IN ONE BUILDING. 555 00:25:15,388 --> 00:25:15,722 >> Stephen: WITH PEOPLE. 556 00:25:15,805 --> 00:25:17,557 >> YEAH, THAT. 557 00:25:17,641 --> 00:25:20,101 WE USED TO HAVE A ROOM WHERE WE PUT ALL OF THEM. 558 00:25:20,185 --> 00:25:23,188 BUT WE EVENTUALLY MOVED THEM AFTER, LIKE, THE THIRD CHILD WHO 559 00:25:23,271 --> 00:25:27,108 HAD BEEN BROUGHT TO OUR OFFICE KIND OF OPENED THE DOOR, 560 00:25:27,192 --> 00:25:28,485 SCREAMED. 561 00:25:28,568 --> 00:25:30,779 BECAUSE YOU KNOW, PUPPETS AND MASCOTTS WHEN█ç THEY'RE ANIMATED 562 00:25:30,862 --> 00:25:35,617 ARE THE MOST MAGICAL THING ON EARTH. 563 00:25:35,700 --> 00:25:40,080 A DECAPITATED MASCOTT HANGING FROM A HOOK IN A MEAT LOCKER IS 564 00:25:40,163 --> 00:25:43,083 NOT SOMETHING A CHILD IS LIKELY TO FORGET. 565 00:25:43,166 --> 00:25:46,419 >> Stephen: THEY SMELL FANTASTIC INSIDE. 566 00:25:46,503 --> 00:25:50,340 I DON'T KNOW IF YOU HAVE CONDITION ANY MASCOTT WORK BUT 567 00:25:50,423 --> 00:25:52,092 THEY KEEP THE JUICES IN. 568 00:25:52,175 --> 00:25:55,971 >> THERE IS SOMETHING TRULY MAGIC. 569 00:25:56,054 --> 00:25:58,598 I LOVED THE MUPPETS -- YOU KNOW TIM CARAVEL. 570 00:25:58,682 --> 00:26:00,141 >> Stephen: YES. 571 00:26:00,225 --> 00:26:03,979 >> TIM CARAVEL, WE'RE MASSIVE, MASSIVE FANS OF THE MUPPETS. 572 00:26:04,062 --> 00:26:09,609 I THINK WHAT WE WANTED TO DO WAS MAKE OUR VERSION OF "THE MUPPET 573 00:26:09,693 --> 00:26:10,485 SHOW." 574 00:26:10,568 --> 00:26:11,486 >> Stephen: WHO ARE YOU? 575 00:26:11,569 --> 00:26:12,988 IF YOU'RE A MUPPET, ARE YOU KERMIT? 576 00:26:13,071 --> 00:26:16,157 WHO ARE YOU? 577 00:26:16,241 --> 00:26:20,662 >> IAM NOT SO SELF-CONFIDENT TO BE KERMIT. 578 00:26:20,745 --> 00:26:22,664 I LIKED ROLF. 579 00:26:22,747 --> 00:26:24,332 HE DOES GOOD, TAKES THE CAMERA. 580 00:26:24,416 --> 00:26:25,625 HE WOULD GET A LAUGH ANY TIME HE DID THAT. 581 00:26:25,709 --> 00:26:28,795 I LIKED THE SWEDISH CHEF, NATURALLY FUNNY. 582 00:26:28,878 --> 00:26:30,630 >> Stephen: HEY, I HAVE A TRIVIA THING. 583 00:26:30,714 --> 00:26:34,676 WHAT IS UNUSUAL ABOUT THE SWEDISH CHEF'S HANDS? 584 00:26:34,759 --> 00:26:37,137 >> WHAT? 585 00:26:37,220 --> 00:26:41,516 >> Stephen: THEY'RE THE ONLY-- HE'S THE ONLY MUPPET WITH HUMAN 586 00:26:41,599 --> 00:26:42,976 HANDS. 587 00:26:43,059 --> 00:26:48,189 THEY'RE ACTUALLY-- JIM HENCEN IS THE SWEDISH CHEF, OR WAS THE 588 00:26:48,273 --> 00:26:52,027 SWEDISH CHEF, AND FRANK OZ WAS THE HANDS. 589 00:26:52,110 --> 00:26:53,695 AND I WAS TALKING WITH FRANK ABOUT THIS. 590 00:26:53,778 --> 00:26:58,158 AND HE SAID THEY HAD ACTUALLY DONE IT FOR, LIKE, A MONTH 591 00:26:58,241 --> 00:26:58,783 BEFORE THEY WENT, "HOLY COW! 592 00:26:58,867 --> 00:27:01,703 WHAT ARE WE DOING? 593 00:27:01,786 --> 00:27:03,830 WE FORGOT TO GIVE HIM HANDS." 594 00:27:03,913 --> 00:27:06,166 >> I DIDN'T KNOW THAT. 595 00:27:06,249 --> 00:27:09,544 >> Stephen: YEAH, IS THAT THE SWEDISH CHEF. 596 00:27:09,627 --> 00:27:11,379 I THINK IT IS. 597 00:27:11,463 --> 00:27:13,882 IT'S THE SWEDISH CHEF HAS HUMAN HANDS. 598 00:27:13,965 --> 00:27:15,216 AND IT WAS JUST A MISTAKE. 599 00:27:15,300 --> 00:27:16,593 >> THOSE TWO WERE INCREDIBLE. 600 00:27:16,676 --> 00:27:20,221 HAVE YOU SEEN THE-- THAT CAMERA TEST OF THEM JUST TESTING OUT 601 00:27:20,305 --> 00:27:27,812 THE CAMERAS, WHEN YOU'VE GOT FRANK OZ AND JIM HENSON, TESTIN 602 00:27:27,896 --> 00:27:31,191 THE CAMERAS FULL DEEP IN CHARACTER. 603 00:27:31,274 --> 00:27:32,609 DANIEL DAY LEWIS ON MUPPETS. 604 00:27:32,692 --> 00:27:37,238 INCREDIBLY FUNNY, CONSTANTLY IN CHARACTER. 605 00:27:37,322 --> 00:27:38,365 THE UTTER GREATNESS. 606 00:27:38,448 --> 00:27:40,200 >> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE ANOTHER BREAK, BUT WHEN WE 607 00:27:40,283 --> 00:27:43,286 RETURN, WE WILL REVEAL WHAT MUPPET JOHN OLIVER WOULD BE IF 608 00:27:43,370 --> 00:27:45,246 JOHN OLIVER WERE A MUPPET. 609 00:27:45,330 --> 00:27:47,082 THE ANSWER MAY SURPRISE HIM. 610 00:27:47,165 --> 00:27:48,333 ♪ ♪ ♪ 611 00:27:57,967 --> 00:28:01,930 ♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY, 612 00:28:02,013 --> 00:28:06,601 WE'RE BACK WITH JOHN OLIVER STAR OF PARAMOUNT-PLUS' NEW "LAST 613 00:28:06,684 --> 00:28:07,727 WEEK TONIGHT." 614 00:28:07,811 --> 00:28:11,898 WE HEARD THAT YOU HAD WANTED YOUR SHOW TO REALLY BE "THE 615 00:28:11,981 --> 00:28:12,232 MUPPET SHOW." 616 00:28:12,315 --> 00:28:14,150 >> WE DID. 617 00:28:14,234 --> 00:28:18,822 >> Stephen: MY PRODUCER GAVE YOU THE BUZZFEED, "WHICH MUPPET 618 00:28:18,905 --> 00:28:20,907 ARE YOU TEST?" BUT WE DID NOT GIVE YOU THE 619 00:28:20,990 --> 00:28:23,118 ANSWER. 620 00:28:23,201 --> 00:28:24,285 WE HAVE THE ANSWER HERE AS TO WHO YOU ENDED UP BEING. 621 00:28:24,369 --> 00:28:28,289 DO YOU WANT TO MAKE A GUESS AS TO WHICH MUPPET YOU ENDED UP 622 00:28:28,373 --> 00:28:29,624 BEING? 623 00:28:29,707 --> 00:28:30,667 AND THESE TESTS ARE IRONCLAD, YOU UNDERSTAND. 624 00:28:30,750 --> 00:28:31,960 >> OH, WE KNOW THAT. 625 00:28:32,043 --> 00:28:36,631 IT'S A BUZZFEED TEST, THOSE ARE ALWAYS PEER REVIEWED. 626 00:28:36,714 --> 00:28:39,843 >> THIS IS THE BUZZFEED P.C.R. 627 00:28:39,926 --> 00:28:43,763 MUPPET TEST, NOT THE INSTANT SPIT TEST. 628 00:28:43,847 --> 00:28:48,685 >> I THINK "BUZZFEED" WORKS WITH "THE LANCET." 629 00:28:48,768 --> 00:28:51,813 I WOULD LIKE TO BE ROLF. 630 00:28:51,896 --> 00:28:52,814 I WOULD LIKE TO BE GONZO. 631 00:28:52,897 --> 00:28:56,025 I DO BELIEVE THERE'S A BEAKER INSIDE OF ME. 632 00:28:56,109 --> 00:29:00,905 I WAS SOMEWHERE ON THE SPECTRUM BETWEEN GONZO AND BEAKER. 633 00:29:00,989 --> 00:29:03,450 YOU ARE ( BLEEP ) KIDDING ME. 634 00:29:03,533 --> 00:29:04,868 >> Stephen: YOU'RE MISS PIGGY. 635 00:29:04,951 --> 00:29:06,035 >> MISS PIGGY! 636 00:29:06,119 --> 00:29:07,662 >> Stephen: YOU'RE MISS PIGGY. 637 00:29:07,745 --> 00:29:08,663 YOU ARE BOLD AND CONFIDENT. 638 00:29:08,746 --> 00:29:09,914 YOU HAVE EVERY REASON TO BE. 639 00:29:09,998 --> 00:29:11,791 YOU KNOW WHAT YOU WANT IN LIFE, AND YOU GET OUT THERE AND MAKE 640 00:29:11,875 --> 00:29:13,543 IT HAPPEN FOR YOURSELF. 641 00:29:13,626 --> 00:29:15,545 YOU HAVE GREAT STYLE AND WIT. 642 00:29:15,628 --> 00:29:20,842 YOU CAN CHARM THE HECK JUST OUT OF JUST ABOUT ANYBODY, AND YOU 643 00:29:20,925 --> 00:29:22,552 ALWAYS STAND UP FOR WHAT YOU BELIEVE IN." 644 00:29:22,635 --> 00:29:23,678 THAT'S JOHN OLIVER. 645 00:29:23,761 --> 00:29:25,513 IT'S LIKE STARING IN A MIRROR RIGHT NOW FOR YOU. 646 00:29:25,597 --> 00:29:27,849 >> I ABSOLUTE-- IT'S A MASSIVE COMPLIMENT. 647 00:29:27,932 --> 00:29:31,728 I DO NOT HAVE THE SEXUAL CONFIDENCE OF A MISS PIGGY. 648 00:29:31,811 --> 00:29:36,191 >> Stephen: DO YOU HAVE THE SEXUAL CONFIDENCE TO PLAY THE 649 00:29:36,274 --> 00:29:37,358 VIOLA? 650 00:29:37,442 --> 00:29:40,153 BECAUSE I HAD HEARD FOR YEARS NOW, FOR YEARS NOW I HAVE BEEN 651 00:29:40,236 --> 00:29:43,698 WAITING FOR YOU TO BREAK OUT THE VIOLA, WHICH I KNOW YOU KNOW HOW 652 00:29:43,781 --> 00:29:44,616 TO PLAY. 653 00:29:44,699 --> 00:29:46,868 YOU SPENT YEARS PLAYING THE VIOLA. 654 00:29:46,951 --> 00:29:48,536 THIS IS TRUE, CORRECT? 655 00:29:48,620 --> 00:29:51,039 >> I DID, I PLAYED-- I PLAYED THE VIOLA ALL THE WAY THROUGH 656 00:29:51,122 --> 00:29:52,540 HIGH SCHOOL. 657 00:29:52,624 --> 00:29:53,708 >> Stephen: IS THIS THE YEAR THAT "LAST WEEK TONIGHT" YOU 658 00:29:53,791 --> 00:29:56,211 BREAK OUT THE VIOLA AND SERENADE ALL OF US? 659 00:29:56,294 --> 00:30:00,548 WHAT'S THE BEST SONG YOU COULD-- FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO DON'T KNOW, 660 00:30:00,632 --> 00:30:03,551 VIOLA IS LIKE A VIOLIN, BUT USELESS. 661 00:30:03,635 --> 00:30:04,886 >> HEY, HEY, HEY! 662 00:30:04,969 --> 00:30:07,764 >> Stephen: ABSOLUTE-- YOU CAN SHINGLE A ROOF WITH ONE BUT 663 00:30:07,847 --> 00:30:08,264 THAT'S ABOUT IT. 664 00:30:08,348 --> 00:30:09,766 >> COMPLETELY WRONG. 665 00:30:09,849 --> 00:30:13,186 THE TONE OF AN ORCHESTRA WOULD BE SHIFTED UNLESS YOU HAD A FEW 666 00:30:13,269 --> 00:30:16,898 PEOPLE THROWN IN THERE PLAYING A VIOLA, WHICH IS LIKE A VIOLIN 667 00:30:16,981 --> 00:30:18,399 BUT A STRING LOWER. 668 00:30:18,483 --> 00:30:22,904 IF YOU CAN'T PLAY THE VIOLIN WITH ANY FLARE, THEN YOU CAN 669 00:30:22,987 --> 00:30:27,200 FILL THE SOUND OF AN ORCHESTRA BY DROWNING ON A VIOLA AND THAT 670 00:30:27,283 --> 00:30:28,576 WAS MY JOB. 671 00:30:28,660 --> 00:30:34,082 >> Stephen: WHAT IS YOUR GO-TO, TUNE "TURKEY IN THE 672 00:30:34,165 --> 00:30:38,127 STRAW?" >> THE BEST I GOT THE MORE I 673 00:30:38,211 --> 00:30:39,587 REALIZED HOW I WAS. 674 00:30:39,671 --> 00:30:44,050 THE BETTER YOU ARE, YOU GET THE BETTER PIECES OF MUC. 675 00:30:44,133 --> 00:30:46,844 AND I REALIZED AS I PLAYED THAT I REALIZED HOW BAD I WAS. 676 00:30:46,928 --> 00:30:51,099 IN YOUR HEAD YOU KNOW HOW YOU WANT IT TO SOUND BUT YOUR 677 00:30:51,182 --> 00:30:56,563 FINGERS CAN'T DO IT, SO YOU END UP WANTING TO SMASH IT AGAINST 678 00:30:56,646 --> 00:30:59,774 THE WALL LIKE A SIGNIFICANTLY LESS COOL PETE TOWNSEND. 679 00:30:59,857 --> 00:31:01,901 >> Stephen: I THINK IT WOULD BE COOL TO SEE YOU SMASH A 680 00:31:01,985 --> 00:31:04,070 VIOLA. 681 00:31:04,153 --> 00:31:07,282 I HAVE NEVER SEEN ANY PROOF THAT-- I HEARD A LOT OF 682 00:31:07,365 --> 00:31:08,533 BRAGGING. 683 00:31:08,616 --> 00:31:09,993 I HEARD A LOT OF BIG TALK ABOUT YOU AND VIOL AS OVER THE YEARS. 684 00:31:10,076 --> 00:31:12,161 >> THAT'S RIGHT. 685 00:31:12,245 --> 00:31:17,250 I DON'T KNOW WHY YO YO MAHAS NEVER ENDED A CONCERT BY 686 00:31:17,333 --> 00:31:18,293 SMASHING IT ALL OVER THE STAGE. 687 00:31:18,376 --> 00:31:19,961 >> Stephen: BECAUSE HE'S NOT A GIBSON OFF THE LINE. 688 00:31:20,044 --> 00:31:25,800 >> I WAS ABSOLUTELY TERRIFIED OF PLAYING THE VIOLA IN FRONT OF 689 00:31:25,883 --> 00:31:26,259 PEOPLE. 690 00:31:26,342 --> 00:31:27,802 THAT'S THE THING. 691 00:31:27,885 --> 00:31:29,804 I WAS FINE WITH KIND OF PERFORMING, AND YET ANY CONCERT 692 00:31:29,887 --> 00:31:34,142 AT SCHOOL I WAS PETRIFIED, BECAUSE DEEP DOWN, I THINK I 693 00:31:34,225 --> 00:31:35,685 KNEW I WAS TERRIBLE. 694 00:31:35,768 --> 00:31:38,187 >> Stephen: WHAT'S THE MOST TERRIFIED YOU HAVE BEEN AT ANY 695 00:31:38,271 --> 00:31:39,814 PERFORMANCE AT ALL? 696 00:31:39,897 --> 00:31:42,358 WHAT IS THE MOST SCARED YOU HAVE BEEN TO OPEN YOUR MOUTH AND 697 00:31:42,442 --> 00:31:43,985 START A PERFORMANCE? 698 00:31:44,068 --> 00:31:44,986 >> HONESTLY, IT PROBABLY WASN'T THAT. 699 00:31:45,069 --> 00:31:48,323 ANY TIME I WAS OPENING MY MOUTH, I WAS OKAY. 700 00:31:48,406 --> 00:31:52,994 PLAYING MUSIC I WAS -- >> Stephen: HOW ABOUT SINGING? 701 00:31:53,077 --> 00:31:57,206 >> OH, UM-- I MEAN, I NEVER KIND OF TRIED TO-- I ALWAYS KIND OF 702 00:31:57,290 --> 00:32:00,835 DID THE COMIC-- IN MUSICALS, I WAS ALWAYS KIND OF OSTRACIZED 703 00:32:00,918 --> 00:32:05,214 AS, "YOU CAN DO THE FUNNY SONG," BECAUSE IT DOESN'T INVOLVE ANY 704 00:32:05,298 --> 00:32:08,301 RANGE OR NATURAL VOCAL TONE AND YOU CAN ACT LIKE THE WHOLE THING 705 00:32:08,384 --> 00:32:12,305 IS A JOKE EVEN THOUGH YOU COULDN'T ACTUALLY DO THE THING 706 00:32:12,388 --> 00:32:13,681 YOU ARE MAKING FUN OF. 707 00:32:13,765 --> 00:32:16,017 >> Stephen: SO THAT DIDN'T SCARE YOU EITHER? 708 00:32:16,100 --> 00:32:18,353 >> NO. 709 00:32:18,436 --> 00:32:20,104 >> Stephen: YOU DON'T GET NERVOUS BEFORE YOU GO ON STAGE? 710 00:32:20,188 --> 00:32:22,690 >> NOT-- I THINK IT'S BEEN BATTED OUT OF ME. 711 00:32:22,774 --> 00:32:25,318 YOU KNOW, WHEN YOU DO STANDUP -- >> Stephen: I NEVER DID IT. 712 00:32:25,401 --> 00:32:30,323 >> YEAH, BUT THE THING IS, LIKE, YOUR FAILURES ARE SO VISCERAL, 713 00:32:30,406 --> 00:32:35,370 SO PERSONAL, THAT ONCE YOU'VE BOMBED A HUNDRED TIMES-- IT'S 714 00:32:35,453 --> 00:32:36,746 LOT OF PEOPLE'S TRUE NIGHTMARE. 715 00:32:36,829 --> 00:32:40,416 THEY THINK I CAN'T THINK OF ANYTHING WORSE IN LIFE THAN 716 00:32:40,500 --> 00:32:42,251 BEING ON STAGE AND BOMBING. 717 00:32:42,335 --> 00:32:46,297 ONCE IT'S HAPPENED TO YOU 100 TIMES, AUDIENCES LOSE THEIR 718 00:32:46,381 --> 00:32:47,340 CAPACITY TO HURT YOU. 719 00:32:47,423 --> 00:32:50,259 SO YOU JUST-- YOU JUST BECOME A SHELL OF A PERSON. 720 00:32:50,343 --> 00:32:54,263 YOU'RE LIKE-- THERE IS NOTHING-- THERE IS NOTHING EXTRA 721 00:32:54,347 --> 00:32:56,557 INTERESTING ABOUT BOMBING IN BIRMINGHAM. 722 00:32:56,641 --> 00:32:58,267 I JUST BOMBED IN LIVERPOOL. 723 00:32:58,351 --> 00:33:00,061 IT DOESN'T MATTER. 724 00:33:00,144 --> 00:33:03,272 >> Stephen: NOW, SO THE FOLLOW-UP QUESTION, OBVIOUSLY, 725 00:33:03,356 --> 00:33:08,111 IS, IF BOMBING LOSES ANY SPECIAL PAIN, DOES SCORING TO, LIKE, 726 00:33:08,194 --> 00:33:14,784 KILLING IN THE ROOM LOSE ANY SPECIAL HIGH THEN? 727 00:33:14,867 --> 00:33:18,246 >> WELL THAT'S-- I MEAN... 728 00:33:18,329 --> 00:33:23,376 >> Stephen: WHAT I'M ASKING IS DO YOU CARE IF THE AUDIENCE IS 729 00:33:23,459 --> 00:33:24,919 THERE AT ALL? 730 00:33:25,002 --> 00:33:30,383 WHAT I'M GETTING IS THIS IS A PURELY MASTUREBATORY AFFAIR. 731 00:33:30,466 --> 00:33:34,345 >> MY SHIFT TO AN AUDIENCELESS SHOW HAS BEEN EASIER THAN MOST. 732 00:33:34,429 --> 00:33:37,598 >> Stephen: IN MY MIND THESE JOKES ARE KILLING. 733 00:33:37,682 --> 00:33:39,100 I'M JUST DESTROYING EVERYTHING! 734 00:33:39,183 --> 00:33:42,061 >> IN MY MIND, MY JOKES ARE BOMBING. 735 00:33:42,145 --> 00:33:46,232 I ASSUME SILENCE, SO I'M NOT SHOCKED WHEN IT COMES. 736 00:33:46,315 --> 00:33:48,234 >> Stephen: THAT'S NICE. 737 00:33:48,317 --> 00:33:52,113 WELL, JOHN, IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE THAT'S ON YOUR MIND? 738 00:33:52,196 --> 00:33:55,408 IS THERE ANYTHING-- IS THERE ANYTHING, PERHAPS, ABOUT YOUR 739 00:33:55,491 --> 00:33:58,244 EIGHTH SEASON COMING UP YOU'D LIKE TO US KNOW ABOUT? 740 00:33:58,327 --> 00:34:00,621 EIGHT SEASONS OVER HOW MANY YEARS? 741 00:34:00,705 --> 00:34:01,330 >> EIGHT. 742 00:34:01,414 --> 00:34:02,331 >> Stephen: OKAY. 743 00:34:02,415 --> 00:34:03,124 THAT WORKS OUT. 744 00:34:03,207 --> 00:34:04,792 >> EIGHT. 745 00:34:04,876 --> 00:34:09,130 >> Stephen: BUT YOU KNOW THESE DAYS, WE'RE ON, LIKE, SEASON 27 746 00:34:09,213 --> 00:34:11,007 OF "BACHELORETTE" AND IT'S BEEN ON FOUR YEARS. 747 00:34:11,090 --> 00:34:12,800 IT DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING ANY MORE. 748 00:34:12,884 --> 00:34:15,636 >> WE REALLY STICK TO THE ONE SEASON, ONE YEAR PROCESS. 749 00:34:15,720 --> 00:34:16,763 >> Stephen: GOOD FOR YOU. 750 00:34:16,846 --> 00:34:20,266 >> IT'S SO MUCH EASIER THAT WAY FOR MOMENTS LIKE THIS. 751 00:34:20,349 --> 00:34:22,059 >> Stephen: IS THERE ANYTHING YOU WOULD LIKE PEOPLE TO KNOW 752 00:34:22,143 --> 00:34:24,479 ABOUT YOUR UPCOMING SEASON? 753 00:34:24,562 --> 00:34:26,355 >> JUST, IT'S ON AGAIN. 754 00:34:26,439 --> 00:34:28,858 IF YOU LIKED THE SHOW PREVIOUSLY, I HOPE YOU WILL 755 00:34:28,941 --> 00:34:30,151 ENJOY IT. 756 00:34:30,234 --> 00:34:32,320 IF YOU REALLY HATED IT, HONESTLY, I WOULDN'T GIVE IT A 757 00:34:32,403 --> 00:34:33,654 SECOND CHANCE. 758 00:34:33,738 --> 00:34:34,447 ( LAUGHTER ). 759 00:34:34,530 --> 00:34:36,491 >> Stephen: NO RESAMPLING. 760 00:34:36,574 --> 00:34:38,451 >> YOU'VE MADE YOUR DECISION. 761 00:34:38,534 --> 00:34:39,368 THAT'S FAIR. 762 00:34:39,452 --> 00:34:41,245 COMEDY IS SUBJECTIVE. 763 00:34:41,329 --> 00:34:46,459 I DON'T THINK IT'S MATERIALLY CHANGED ENOUGH FOR YOU TO LIKE 764 00:34:46,542 --> 00:34:48,669 SOMETHING THAT YOU PREVIOUSLY DID SPIESED. 765 00:34:48,753 --> 00:34:50,463 SO I'D GIVE IT A MISS. 766 00:34:50,546 --> 00:34:51,672 >> Stephen: I DISAGREE. 767 00:34:51,756 --> 00:34:56,803 I THINK NO MATTER WHAT, GIVEN ANOTHER CHANCE AND, YOU KNOW, 768 00:34:56,886 --> 00:35:00,515 IT'S A GREAT WAY FOR PEOPLE TO SAMPLE PARAMOUNT-PLUS. 769 00:35:00,598 --> 00:35:03,643 IT WOULD BE A GREAT WAY FOR PEOPLE TO CLIMB THE MOUNTAIN. 770 00:35:03,726 --> 00:35:07,355 WELL, JOHN, A PLEASURE AS ALWAYS. 771 00:35:07,438 --> 00:35:09,398 I'M BEING TOLD WE HAVE TO GO. 772 00:35:09,482 --> 00:35:14,195 MARK IS MAKING-- MARK IS ACTUALLY SHAKING HIS HEAD SAYING 773 00:35:14,278 --> 00:35:15,196 "DO WHATEVER YOU WANT." 774 00:35:15,279 --> 00:35:17,532 I'M THE ONE PRETENDING IT'S TIME TO GO. 775 00:35:17,615 --> 00:35:18,199 ALWAYS A DELIGHT. 776 00:35:18,282 --> 00:35:19,700 THANK YOU SO MUCH. 777 00:35:19,784 --> 00:35:21,911 I'LL SEE YOU TOMORROW FOR ANOTHER 24 MINUTES OR WHATEVER 778 00:35:21,994 --> 00:35:23,037 THIS WAS. 779 00:35:23,120 --> 00:35:23,663 WHATEVER. 780 00:35:23,746 --> 00:35:24,622 YOU GOT NOTHING TO DO. 781 00:35:24,705 --> 00:35:25,832 COME ON. 782 00:35:25,915 --> 00:35:29,502 >> ALL I'LL SAY IS I JUST WANT TO APOLOGIZE TO YOUR EDITORS, 783 00:35:29,585 --> 00:35:30,086 AND GODSPEED. 784 00:35:30,169 --> 00:35:33,339 >> Stephen: THANK YOU. 785 00:35:33,422 --> 00:35:34,549 SEASON EIGHT OF "LAST WEEK TONIGHT" STARTS THIS SUNDAY ON 786 00:35:34,632 --> 00:35:36,717 HBO. 787 00:35:36,801 --> 00:35:38,094 JOHN OLIVER, EVERYBODY! 788 00:35:38,177 --> 00:35:41,222 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH A PERFORMANCE BY INGRID ANDRESS. 789 00:35:41,305 --> 00:35:42,515 GOOD-BYE, JOHN OLIVER. 790 00:35:42,598 --> 00:35:46,561 ♪ ♪ ♪ 791 00:35:51,315 --> 00:35:52,859 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ 792 00:35:52,942 --> 00:36:00,533 ♪ ♪ ♪ 793 00:36:10,334 --> 00:36:11,252 MY MUSICAL GUEST TONIGHT IS NOMINATED FOR THREE GRAMMY 794 00:36:11,335 --> 00:36:13,588 AWARDS. 795 00:36:13,671 --> 00:36:15,256 PERFORMING THE TITLE TRACK FROM HER ALBUM, "LADY LIKE," INGRID 796 00:36:15,339 --> 00:36:19,302 ANDRESS! 797 00:36:27,351 --> 00:36:29,353 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ I DRINK TEQUILA STRAIGHT 798 00:36:33,691 --> 00:36:35,276 HAVEN'T BRUSHED MY HAIR IN DAYS ♪ AND I'LL KISS ON THE FIRST 799 00:36:35,359 --> 00:36:39,238 DATE IF I'M REALLY FEELIN' IT ♪ I DON'T EVEN OWN A DRESS 800 00:36:39,322 --> 00:36:43,242 BITE MY NAILS ♪ WHEN I GET STRESSED 801 00:36:43,326 --> 00:36:47,288 DO WHATEVER FOR ATTENTION IF I'M NEEDIN' IT 802 00:36:47,371 --> 00:36:55,129 ♪ CONTROVERSIAL SO OUTSPOKEN 803 00:36:55,212 --> 00:36:59,091 ♪ I'VE BEEN TOLD I'M NOT LADYLIKE 804 00:36:59,175 --> 00:37:02,428 ♪ BUT I'M A LADY LIKE WHOA I COULD BRING YOU TO YOUR KNEES 805 00:37:02,511 --> 00:37:03,304 ♪ AND GET YOU KICKED OUT THE GARDEN OF EDEN 806 00:37:03,387 --> 00:37:10,269 ♪ UNTAMABLE, UNFRAMEABLE MONA LISA, OH 807 00:37:10,353 --> 00:37:13,940 ♪ KISS YOU LIKE A WHISKEY FIRE TURN AROUND 808 00:37:14,023 --> 00:37:15,316 ♪ LEAVE YOUR HEART IN A RIOT LIPSTICK IN A CIGARETTE PACK 809 00:37:15,399 --> 00:37:22,323 ♪ ON THE DASH I'M A LADY LIKE THAT 810 00:37:22,406 --> 00:37:27,328 ♪ SOMETIMES I FORGET NOT TO TALK 'BOUT POLITICS 811 00:37:27,411 --> 00:37:31,332 ♪ WHEN I'M IN THE MIDDLE OF ME GETTIN' HIT ON 812 00:37:31,415 --> 00:37:35,336 ♪ SOMETIMES I'M NOT POLITE DON'T BITE MY TONGUE 813 00:37:35,419 --> 00:37:39,298 ♪ I SPEAK MY MIND LET CURSE WORDS FLY 814 00:37:39,382 --> 00:37:43,302 WHEN (BLEEP) GOES WRONG ♪ CONTROVERSIAL 815 00:37:43,386 --> 00:37:48,182 SO OUTSPOKEN ♪ I'VE BEEN TOLD I'M 816 00:37:48,265 --> 00:37:51,352 NOT LADYLIKE ♪ BUT I'M A LADY LIKE WHOA 817 00:37:51,435 --> 00:37:55,356 I COULD BRING YOU TO YOUR KNEES ♪ AND GET YOU KICKED OUT THE 818 00:37:55,439 --> 00:37:59,360 GARDEN OF EDEN ♪ UNTAMABLE, UNFRAMEABLE 819 00:37:59,443 --> 00:38:05,533 MONA LISA, OH ♪ KISS YOU LIKE A WHISKEY FIRE 820 00:38:05,616 --> 00:38:07,368 TURN AROUND ♪ LEAVE YOUR HEART IN A RIOT 821 00:38:07,451 --> 00:38:11,372 LIPSTICK IN A CIGARETTE PACK ♪ ON THE DASH 822 00:38:11,455 --> 00:38:23,551 I'M A LADY LIKE THAT I'M A LADY LIKE THAT 823 00:38:23,634 --> 00:38:27,388 ♪ CONTROVERSIAL SO OUTSPOKEN 824 00:38:27,471 --> 00:38:31,392 ♪ I'VE BEEN TOLD I'M NOT LADYLIKE 825 00:38:31,475 --> 00:38:36,522 ♪ BUT I'M A LADY LIKE WHOA I COULD BRING YOU TO YOUR KNEES 826 00:38:36,605 --> 00:38:39,400 ♪ AND GET YOU KICKED OUT THE GARDEN OF EDEN 827 00:38:39,483 --> 00:38:43,404 ♪ UNTAMABLE, UNFRAMEABLE MONA LISA, OH 828 00:38:43,487 --> 00:38:47,450 ♪ KISS YOU LIKE A WHISKEY FIRE TURN AROUND 829 00:38:47,533 --> 00:38:51,412 ♪ LEAVE YOUR HEART IN A RIOT LIPSTICK IN A CIGARETTE PACK 830 00:38:51,495 --> 00:38:59,420 ♪ ON THE DASH I'M A LADY LIKE THAT 831 00:38:59,503 --> 00:39:07,136 I'M A LADY LIKE THAT ♪ WHOA 832 00:39:07,219 --> 00:39:09,597 ♪ MONA LISA, OH KISS YOU LIKE A WHISKEY FIRE 833 00:39:09,680 --> 00:39:11,599 ♪ TURN AROUND LEAVE YOUR HEART IN A RIOT 834 00:39:11,682 --> 00:39:15,436 ♪ LIPSTICK IN A CIGARETTE PACK ON THE DASH 835 00:39:15,519 --> 00:39:23,444 ♪ I'M A LADY LIKE THAT I'M A LADY LIKE THAT ♪ 836 00:39:23,527 --> 00:39:30,367 YEAH >> Stephen: INGRID ANDRESS, 837 00:39:30,451 --> 00:39:31,577 EVERYBODY! 838 00:39:31,660 --> 00:39:35,581 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK. 839 00:39:39,543 --> 00:39:41,921 >> Stephen: HEY, THAT'S IT FOR "A LATE SHOW," EVERYBODY. 840 00:39:42,004 --> 00:39:45,299 TUNE IN TOMORROW WHEN MY GUESTS WILL BE KRISTEN WIIG AND REBECCA 841 00:39:45,382 --> 00:39:45,800 BREEDS. 842 00:39:45,883 --> 00:39:46,634 JAMES CORDEN IS NEXT. 843 00:39:46,717 --> 00:39:48,427 GOOD NIGHT. 844 00:39:50,346 --> 00:39:51,305 Captioning sponsored by CBS Captioned by 845 00:39:51,388 --> 00:39:53,641 Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org 846 00:39:53,724 --> 00:39:56,477 >> IS IT ONE HOUR AGO WE WERE 22 MINUTES LONG ON THE MONOLOGUE. 847 00:39:56,560 --> 00:40:01,357 ( LAUGHTER ) OUR MONOLOGUE WAS 22 MINUTES 848 00:40:01,440 --> 00:40:02,983 LONG. 849 00:40:03,067 --> 00:40:06,821 I HOPE WE PICKED THE RIGHT, LIKE, 15 OR 16 MINUTES TO, LIKE, 850 00:40:06,904 --> 00:40:08,072 LIFT. 851 00:40:08,155 --> 00:40:09,365 >> I LOOKED UP AT THE CLOCK, AND I THOUGHT OF YOU, AND I THOUGHT 852 00:40:09,448 --> 00:40:11,408 YOU ( BLEEP ).