>> KARL BERNSTEIN, WHAT IS YOUR REACTION TO THIS, LEARNING OF
THE FIRST CABINET RESIGNATION, "MITCH McCONNELL'S WIFE AS
WELL.
>> I THINK, FIRST OF ALL, THERE REALLY IS AN EXAMPLE OF THE RATS
LEAVING THE SINKING SHIP.
>> WITH 13 DAYS TO GO, YOU KNOW, SHE'S LEAVING THE SINKING SHIP.
>> LOOK, THE WATER IS CHURNING WITH RATS FROM THIS SINKING
SHIP.
♪ ♪ ♪ >> HELLO, THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN.
I HAVE NOTICED A NUMBER OF YOU TRYING TO JUMP SHIP.
WELL, IT'S TOO LATE FOR THAT.
YOU KNEW THIS WAS DOOMED FROM THE BEGINNING, SO TAKE A DEEP
BREATH, AND I'LL SEE YOU ON THE BOTTOM.
AND NOW, LET THE BAND PLAY ON.
♪ ♪ ♪ >> Announcer: IT'S "A LATE SHOW
WITH STEPHEN COLBERT."
TONIGHT: T.G.I.F. THIS WEEK.
>> PLUS STEPHEN GIVES THE COLBERT QUESTIONNAIRE TO
TOM HANKS MERYL STREEP
AND GEORGE CLOONEY AND MUSICAL GUESTS THE MOUNTAIN
GOATS FEATURING JON BATISTE AND STAY
HOMIN'.
AND NOW, LIVE oN TAPE FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER OFFICE
BUILDING IN NEW YORK CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT!
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY.
WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."
I'M JUST CLEANING MY GLASSES.
GIVE ME A SECOND HERE.
I'M SORRY TO KEEP YOU GUYS WAITING, IT'S JUST THAT THIS IS
THE LAST SHOW OF THE WEEK, RARE FRIDAY SHOW, RARE FRIDAY SHOW AT
THIS POINT.
WE HAD A LIVE SHOW A COUPLE OF NIGHTS AGO.
I'M STILL RIDING OUT THAT HIGH.
AND I DON'T KNOW IF MY GLASSES ARE DIRTY OR JUST MY CORNAS
REFUSE TO FOCUS ANYMORE.
I'M HAVING A LITTLE TROUBLE-- THERE YOU GO.
THERE ARE THE WORDS RIGHT THERE.
I CAN'T WAIT TO FIND OUT WHAT I WILL SAY TONIGHT.
THE SQUIRREL CAGE NEEDS HOSING OUT UP THERE.
HAPPY FRIDAY?
IT'S THE END OF THE FIRST WEEK OF A BRAND-NEW YEAR, WHICH MEANS
IT'S TIME FOR MY NEW SEGMENT: "2021, THE WEEK THAT FELT LIKE A
YEAR: A LOOK BACK."
WHERE TO BEGIN?
MONDAY.
WHAT HAPPENED ON MONDAY?
I CAN'T REMEMBER.
BUT, ON TUESDAY, THERE WAS THE BIG RUNOFF ELECTION DOWN IN
GEORGIA.
I KNOW THAT BECAUSE ON WEDNESDAY, I WAS GOING TO HAVE
FUN TALKING ABOUT WINNERS HEADED TO THE SENATE.
BUT I HAD TO SCRAP ALL THAT WHEN THOSE LOSERS HEADED TO THE
SENATE.
IT WAS AMAZING.
TUESDAY, I MEAN, NOTLET WEDNESDAY THING.
THAT WAS-- WHEN WAS IT?
WHAT DAY IS THIS?
>> ARE THE.
>> Stephen: THIS IS FRIDAY.
WEDNESDAY WAS THE BAD DAY.
TUESDAY WAS THE FUN NIGHT THAT WE FOUND OUT ON WEDNESDAY BUT I
COULDN'T TALK ABOUT IT.
THERE YOU GO.
TUESDAY WAS AMAZING.
I SPENT THE WHOLE EVENING BREATHLESSLY WATCHING JOHN KING
AND STEVE KORNACKI WITH THEIR TOUCHSCREENS, AFTER DARK.
>> 50,000 VOTES DIFFERENCE, RIGHT?
OR 40,000 VOTES DIFFERENCE.
130,000 NICK SAYS MR. STERLING WAS SAYING, 171,000
VOTES.
>> YOU'RE SITTING ON 170,000, 180,000 OR SO VOTES TO BE
REPORTED OUT, RIGHT, WHERE I THINK YOU CAN CERTAINLY EXPECT
DEMOCRATS TO BE GETTING AT LEAST 80% OF THOSE VOTES, AND PROBABLY
MORE.
>> Stephen: GOT IT.
I'M CRUNCHING THE LATEST NUMBERS OUT OF GEORGIA, AS THEY CONTINUE
TO TRICKLE IN.
WE'RE WATCHING PARTICULARLY MILITARY BALLOTS RIGHT NOW.
I'M GOING TO PULL UP CHATHAM COUNTY, OKAY.
ANNND... NOTHING.
I GUESS THE RESULTS ARE ALL IN FROM CHATHAM COUNTY.
LET'S LOOK AT THIS AREA.
IS IT HERE?
IS IT-- WHERE DO I-- IS IT COBB?
THIS VOICE-ACTIVATED, JIM HAD?
CA-BABA.
CAN WE PUT UP A WEATHER MAP OR ANYTHING, JIM?
I'M BEING TOLD THIS TOUCHSCREEN IS BROKEN?
IT DOES NOT WORK.
IT NEVER WORKED.
IT'S NOT A TOUCHSCREEN.
AND I'VE BEEN TOLD THAT BEFORE.
IS THERE MATH TO BE HAD HERE?
>> THERE IS MATH-- THERE IS MATH TO BE HAD HERE.
>> YOU CAN DO THE MATH HERE: 54 AND 29 AND 83 AND 84.
>> Stephen: GOT IT.
54, 29, 83, 84, WITH A POWERBALL OF 6, TIMES 170,000.
KEEP FEEDING ME, BOYS!
KEEP FEEDING ME!
>> YOU'RE A LITTLE OVER 85,000 IS YOUR TURNOUT IN THE NOVEMBER
GENERAL ELECTION.
YOU'RE A BIT NORTH OF 68,000 HERE.
>> SO, NOW YOU ARE AT 1.8, 1.7, 3.5-- ADD UP, YOU'RE A LITTLE
HIGHER THAN THAT.
>> Stephen: OKAY, GOT IT.
ADDING THINGS MAKES THEM HIGHER, GOT IT.
OKAY, 1.8 ADDING 29, 40,000-- PLUS OR MINUS-- DIVIDED BY THE
SQUARE ROOT OF "ISH?" AND THE RESULTS ARE...
(BLEEP) YOU, MITCH MCCONNELL.
YOU LOST.
I'M GOING TO SIT DOWN.
I THINK I HUFFED TOO MANY INTEGERS.
THE FIRST RACE THEY CALLED TUESDAY NIGHT WAS SENATOR-ELECT
RAPHAEL WARNOCK-- SEEN HERE OUT-CUTEING A PUPPY-- WHO
DEFEATED APPOINTED SENATOR AND LADY WHO HAS TO GO TO THE HORSE
BARBER, KELLY LOEFFLER.
WITH HIS VICTORY, WARNOCK BECOMES THE FIRST BLACK SENATOR
IN GEORGIA HISTORY.
WOW, REALLY?
IS THAT TRUE?
>> YES.
>> Stephen: GEORGIA HAS THE THIRD-HIGHEST BLACK POPULATION
IN AMERICA, AND UNTIL NOW, IT HAD NEVER BEEN REPRESENTED BY A
THAT'S LIKE NEW MEXICO NEVER HAVING A NATIVE AMERICAN
SENATOR.
WHAT?
IT DOESN'T MEAN HE'S GIVEN UP HIS CHURCH WORK.
>> I INTEND TO RETURN TO MY PULPIT AND PREACH ON SUNDAY
MORNINGS AND TO TALK TO THE PEOPLE.
>> Stephen: MAYBE THE REVEREND CAN HIRE THIS
ON ELECTION NIGHT, LOEFFLER REFUSED TO CONCEDE.
>> WE'RE GONNA WIN THIS ELECTION.
WE'RE GONNA SAVE THIS COUNTRY.
WE GOT SOME WORK TO DO HERE.
THIS IS A GAME OF INCHES.
>> Stephen: OKAY, OKAY, I SEE WHAT YOU DID WRONG THERE.
IT'S ACTUALLY A GAME OF VOTES, AND HE GOT MORE.
IT TOOK UNTIL WEDNESDAY BUT, EVENTUALLY, THE OTHER RACE WAS
CALLED FOR INVESTIGATIVE JOURNALIST AND BOY DEMANDING
THAT BEDTIME BE PUSHED TO 9:15, JON OSSOFF, WHO DEFEATED
INCUMBENT SENATOR AND MAN SHOWING JUST HOW BIG OF A TOOL
HE IS, DAVID PERDUE.
THE BIG NEWS IS, WITH THESE VICTORIES, THE DEMOCRATS WILL
NOW CONTROL THE SENATE.
IT'S BEEN SO LONG, THEY'RE GOING TO HAVE TO FLIP THROUGH THE
OWNER'S MANUAL.
"HEY, HEY, LOOK AT THIS!
DID YOU KNOW WE'RE ALLOWED TO HOLD VOTES?
OOH, HEATED POWER SEATS."
IT ALSO MEANS THAT SENATOR CHUCK SCHUMER WILL REPLACE SENATOR
MITCH McCONNELL AS MAJORITY LEADER.
THAT OUGHT TO WIPE THE SMILE OFF OF McCONNELL'S...
FACE?
CAN WE CHECK, JIM?
THE SENATE WILL ACTUALLY BE SPLIT 50-50, WITH VICE
PRESIDENT-ELECT KAMALA HARRIS HOLDING THE TIEBREAKER THAT
DETERMINES CONTROL.
SO, ESSENTIALLY, HARRIS IS STILL GOING TO BE A SENATOR.
PRETTY ON BRAND FOR AMERICA TO ELECT THEIR FIRST WOMAN VICE
PRESIDENT AND MAKE HER DO HER OLD JOB,TOO.
ONLY PAY HER FOR ONE OF THEM.
FAILURE FALLS AT THE FEET OF THE PRESIDENT.
THE GEORGIA G.O.P. NEEDED HIM TO RALLY HIS BASE, BUT INSTEAD, HE
DEMONIZED THE STATE'S REPUBLICAN LEADERS AND PEDDLED BASELESS
CLAIMS THAT GEORGIA'S ELECTORAL SYSTEM WAS RIGGED.
NOT EXACTLY A WINNING STRATEGY.
IT REMINDS ME OF THIS STIRRING PREGAME SPEECH FROM COACH
TAYLOR: >> RIGGED GAME!
YOU SUCK!
LET'S LOSE!
>> Stephen: EVEN ONE OF THE PRESIDENT'S OWN ADVISERS
SAID,"THE PRESIDENT (BLEEP) THE PARTY.
HE (BLEEP) THE PARTY.
SO THE BAD NEWS FOR THE G.O.P.
IS YOU GOT SCREWED.
THE GOOD NEWS?
YOU GET A CHECK FOR $130,000.
( ♪ GROOVE IS IN THE HEART ♪ ) >> ONE MORE SLAM FOR THE ROAD!
>> Stephen: THIS COMES AFTER THE PRESIDENT ALREADY LOST IN
GEORGIA IN NOVEMBER, THEN LOST A RECOUNT, THEN LOST A RECOUNT OF
THE RECOUNT, AND THEN, TUESDAY, LOST TWO RUNOFFS.
THIS GUY HAS LOST GEORGIA FIVE TIMES.
AND WHAT DOES HE HAVE TO SHOW FOR IT?
>> YOU GET NOTHING!
YOU LOSE!
>> Stephen: THANK YOU FOR THAT ANALYSIS, WILLY.
SPEAKING OF THE PRESIDENT LOSING: THE PRESIDENT LOST.
WHICH MEANS BIDEN'S INAUGURATION IS GOING TO HAPPEN ON JANUARY
20, WHETHER THE PRESIDENT LIKES IT OR NOT.
FOR THE RECORD, NOT.
THANKS TO THE PANDEMIC, THEY'RE MAKING SOME ADJUSTMENTS TO
BIDEN'S SWEARING-IN CEREMONY.
FOR INSTANCE, THEY'VE ELIMINATED THE TRADITIONAL INAUGURAL
PARADE.
SO TO ALL YOU DIE-HARD INAUG-HEADS OUT THERE, I'M
SORRY.
YOU'LL JUST HAVE TO GO STAND IN THE COLD AND WAVE AT TRAFFIC ON
YOUR OWN TIME.
COMMITTEE SAYS WILL BE A SIGNIFICANTLY SCALED-DOWN
CEREMONY THAT WILL FEATURE STRINGENT HEALTH AND SAFETY
PROTOCOLS.
OF COURSE, THE CURRENT PRESIDENT WAS WAY AHEAD OF THE CURVE ON
SOCIALLY DISTANCED INAUGURATION.
SPEAKING OF STAINS ON THE COUNTRY THAT WILL LINGER LONG
PAST THIS PRESIDENT, WE'RE STILL IN THE MIDDLE OF AN
UNPRECEDENTED PANDEMIC.
AND IT'S CHANGED THE WAY WE DO ALMOST EVERYTHING, INCLUDING
WATCHING MOVIES.
WE'RE CATCHING EVEN THE BIGGEST NEW BLOCKBUSTERS AT HOME ON THE
COUCH, AND LAST MONTH, WARNER BROTHERS ANNOUNCED ALL ITS 2021
FILMS WILL ARRIVE IN THEATERS AND STREAMING ON HBO MAX
SIMULTANEOUSLY, INCLUDING "THE MATRIX 4."
THAT'S SO EXCITING!
I CAN'T WAIT TO ESCAPE INTO A FANTASY WORLD WHERE ALL HUMAN
CONTACT IS VIRTUAL AND WE'RE KEPT IMMOBILE WHILE CONSUMING
HIGH-CALORIE SLUDGE.
EVERYONE IS WONDERING WHEN GOING TO THE MOVIES AND WHEN IT WILL
FEEL NORMAL AGAIN.
AND WHEN THAT TIME FINALLY COMES, WE'VE GOT A PREVIEW OF
THE MOST-ANTICIPATED FILM OF THE YEAR.
>> OUR WORLD WAS ABANDONED.
THE PEOPLE DEIFIED IT, ALONE AND AFRAID.
DESPERATE FOR A WAY TO COME TOGETHER.
DESPERATE FOR A MOVIE.
REALLY, ANY MOVIE IN A THEATER WOULD BE GREAT.
>> A ROMANTIC COMEDY, A SPY THRILLER, OR ANOTHER MARVEL
THING.
I WOULD EVEN SIT THROUGH ONE OF THOSE MOVIES WHERE A DOG TEACHES
THE FAMILY THE TRUE MEANING OF JESUS-- OR WHATEVER.
>> TOGETHER, WE WILL SEE THE LIGHT.
WE WILL HEAR THE SOUND.
AND TOGETHER, WE WILL HAVE TO SIT THROUGH 20 MINUTES OF ADS
BEFORE THEY EVEN START THE PREVIEWS.
>> A MUTINY OF FLAVOR IN EVERY BITE.
♪ ♪ ♪ >> WAIT, THERE'S 400 NEW HOURS
OF "STAR WARS" COMING?
MAYBE I'M GOOD.
>> THIS FILM IS NOT YET RATED AS THE FUTURE REMAINS A DARK
ENIGMA.
>> Stephen: WE'VE GOT A BLOCKBUSTER OF A SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT.
I'M UNVEILING A NEW INTERVIEW SEGMENT CALLED "THE COLBERT
QUESTIONNAIR," WHERE I ASK THE SAME SET OF QUESTIONS TO
SUPERSTARS MERYL STREEP, GEORGE CLOONEY, AND TOM HANKS.
WHICH ONE IS FIRST?
YOU HAVE TO STICK AROUND TO FIND OUT.
IT'S HANKS.
♪ ♪ ♪
>> Stephen: HEY, WELCOME BARK
EVERYBODY.
ONE OF THE BEST THINGS ABOUT DOING THIS SHOW IS GETTING TO
TALK TO ALL SORTS OF FASCINATING PEOPLE.
IT'S WAY MORE FUN THAN YELLING INTERVIEW QUESTIONS OUT MY
WINDOW AT STRANGERS.
BUT LATELY, I'VE FOUND MYSELF CRAVING A DEEPER CONNECTION THAN
YOU GET FROM MOST CELEBRITY INTERVIEWS, LESS "TELL ME ABOUT
YOUR LATEST PROJECT" AND MORE "TELL ME HOW YOUR ADULT SELF
WOULD BE A DISAPPOINTMENT TO YOU AS A CHILD."
BY THE WAY, DON'T GET ME STARTED.
WHICH IS WHY, WE HERE AT "A LATE SHOW," HAVE BEEN CAREFULLY
CRAFTING A SET OF QUESTIONS SPECIFICALLY DESIGNED TO DIG
DEEP AND REVEAL MY GUEST'S TRUEST SELF.
QUESTIONNAIRE."
AND IN ONLY 15 QUESTIONS, IT COVERS THE FULL SPECTRUM OF THE
HUMAN EXPERIENCE, EVERYTHING FROM SPIRITUALITY AND THE NATURE
OF FEAR, TO IMPORTANT STUFF LIKE SANDWICHES.
AND SO I WANTED TO KICK IT OFF BY ADMINISTERING THIS
SCIENTIFICALLY-INVALID TEST TO A FEW SCIENTIFICALLY-PROVEN
CELEBRITIES.
I MEAN, NOBODY THAT BIG: YOUR HANKS, YOUR STREEPS, YOUR
CLOONEYS.
FIRST UP, TOM HANKS.
BUT BEFORE WE GOT TO THE QUESTIONNAIRE, I ASKED TOM TO
DISCUSS HOW HE REALLY FEELS ABOUT CELEBRITY INTERVIEWS.
TOM, THANKS SO MUCH FOR BEING HERE YET AGAIN.
I'M SURPRISED YOUR HAIR HASN'T GROWN OUT.
>> WELL, EVERY DAY IT GETS A LITTLE BETTER.
>> Stephen: I WANT TO TAKE A LITTLE SIDESTEP RIGHT HERE.
I DON'T KNOW-- ARE YOU A DICK CAVETT FAN?
DID YOU WATCH-- >> I GREW UP WATCHING DICK
CAVETT.
YOU BET.
>> Stephen: I LIKE TO WATCH DICK EVERY SO OFTEN.
I'VE GOTTEN TO KNOW HIM OVER THE YEARS.
I THINK HE'S A GREAT MODEL FOR INTERVIEWING AND I JUST WATCHED
AN INTERVIEW HE DID WITH LEE MARVIN, AND I WANT TO ASK YOU A
QUESTION HE ASKED LEE MARVIN.
HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT INTERVIEWS?
YOU'RE THE BEST AT THEM, TOM.
EVERYBODY-- IT'S PROVERBIAL IN LATE NIGHT THAT EVERYBODY WANTS
TO SEE THE WORD "HANKS" ON THEIR BOARD.
TOM HANKS WILL BE HERE.
EVERYTHING IS UP THERE ON THE SCREEN.
THAT'S HOW YOU TRAINED YOURSELF.
DOES IT EVER BOTHER YOU THAT YOU HAVE TO TALK ABOUT THE THING YOU
SPENT ALL THE TIME MAKING.
WHY DO I HAVE TO TELL EVERYBODY?"
>> I WISH I HAD THE INTIMIDATION FACTOR LEE MARVIN HAD.
DON'T YOU THINK DICK CAVETT WAS A LITTLE AFRAID THAT LEE MARVIN
WOULD LOOSEN HIS TIE AND KICK HIS BUTT RIGHT THERE ON TV?
>> Stephen: I THINK HE WAS SMOKING CAMEL STRAIGHTS THE
WHOLE TIME, TOO.
( LAUGHTER ) >> DID HE-- DID HE SIT IN THE
CHAIR LIKE THIS WITH A CIGARETTE ON IT?
YOU KNOW, I SAW HIM-- I SAW HIM ON "THE JOHNNY CARSON SHOW"
MANY, MANY YEARS AGO, AND JOHNNY CARSON SAID-- NOT TO MIX UP--
I'M ON "STEPHEN COLBERT" WE'RE TALKING ABOUT DICK CAVETT AND
I'M PULLING UP A JOHNNY CARSON.
>> Stephen: WHO HE WROTE FOR.
>> AND THE JERRY LEWIS SHOW BRIEFLY.
ANYWAY, LEE MARVIN SAID-- DICK CAVETT-- JIMMY FALL-- NO.
JOHNNY CARSON SAID TO LEE MARVIN "YOU'RE A WAR HERO.
YOU GOT A MEDAL.
YOU GOT A MEDAL IN WORLD WAR II."
HE SAID, JOHNNY, I I WAS NOT A WAR MERO.
I GOT SHOT IN THE ASS.
AND I WAS SITTING THERE BLEEDING I LOOKED DOWN ON THE BEACH AND I
SAW A WAR HERO.
I SAW A WAR HERO.
I SAW A BEACH MASTER THAT WAS GUIDING AND LANDING CRAFT WITH
RED FLAGS UNDER ENEMY FIRE ON THE BEACH AT IWO JIMA.
THAT MAN WAS A WAR HERO, AND THAT MAN WAS SERGEANT BOB
QUICHEAM.
YOU KNOW WHO BOB KESHAM IS.
>> Stephen: CAPTAIN KANGAROO.
THE GUY WE GREW UP WITH AS CAPTAIN KANGAROO GREW UP GUIDING
IN LANDING CRAFT DURING THE INVASION OF IWO JIMA.
>> Stephen: HOLY COW.
>> IF I WAS GOING TO BE ON "THE DICK CAVETT SHOW" WITH HIM, YOU
KNOW, LIKE IF WE WERE ALL ON THE SAME --
>> Stephen: SURE.
>> THE QUESTION ABOUT IWO JIMA WOULD BE THE THIRD THING I WOULD
ASK HIM.
BECAUSE I'D ACTUALLY LIKE TO KNOW FIRST WHO WAS THE VOICE OF
MR. MOOSE.
AND, REALLY, COULD GRANDFATHER CLOCK ACTUALLY TALK LIKE THAT?
THOSE WOULD BE THE QUESTIONS I'D --
>> Stephen: THE QUESTION I WOULD ASK IS, "WHEN THE TRAIN
CAME AROUND PAST THE SILO FULL OF RICE KRISPIES WHY DIDN'T IT
FILL IT UP EVERY TIME."
THAT'S WHAT I WAS WAITING FOR EVERY DAY BEFORE GOING TO
SCHOOL.
>> WE NEEDED TO HAVE MYSTERIES.
OTHERWISE WE WOULD HAVE GROWN UP THINKING THERE WERE SIMPLE
ANSWERS TO ALL OF LIFE'S PROBLEM S.
>> Stephen: I'D LOVE TO ASK YOU A MILLION QUESTIONS, BUT I
CAN'T, SO I DISTILLED EVERYTHING POSSIBLY WORTH KNOWING ABOUT A
PERSON DOWN TO 15 SIMPLE QUESTIONS.
TOM HANKS, ARE YOU READY FOR THE "COLBERT QUESTIONNAIRE?"
>> HIT IT.
♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: TOM HANKS, WHAT IS
THE BEST SANDWICH?
>> HAM-- HAM ON SWISS, NO TOMATO, LETTUCE AND MUSTARD.
>> Stephen: WHAT'S ONE THING THAT YOU OWN THAT YOU REALLY
SHOULD THROW OUT?
>> UH, UH...
>> Stephen: ONE OF THOSE TYPE WRITERS?
BECAUSE YOU HAVE TWO.
I HAPPEN TO KNOW YOU HAVE TWO RIGHT NOW.
>> HELL NO!
HELL NO!
YOU NEVER THROW OUT A TYPE WRITER.
I HAVE SOOCH STATIONARY.
>> Stephen: WHAT'S THE SCARIEST ANIMAL, TOM?
>> THAT WOULD BE A TYPE OF WORM THAT LIVES IN THE SAND OF THE
BEACHES OF AUSTRALIA.
I'LL SEND YOU A PICTURE.
IT WILL HAUNT YOUR DREAM S.
>> Stephen: WHAT HAPPENS?
>> WELL, THEY'RE THESE THINGS AND THEY COME UP AND THEY HAVE
THESE HEADS THAT IF YOU LOOK AT THEM CLOSE, THEY HONESTLY LOOK
LIKE SOMETHING THAT THE MANDALORIN HAD TO FLEE FROM.
>> Stephen: APPLES OR ORANGES?
>> I'M GOING TO GO WITH ORANGES.
>> Stephen: YOU KNOW YOU CAN'T PUT PEANUT BUTTER ON AN OWNER,
RIGHT?
YOU CAN PUT PEANUT BUTTER ON A SLICE OF APPLE.
>> THAT'S NOT WHY I EAT FRUIT.
I DON'T VIEW FRUIT AS A PEANUT BUTTER DELIVERY SYSTEM.
>> Stephen: HAVE YOU EVER ASKED SOMEONE FOR THEIR
AUTOGRAPH?
>> YES.
>> Stephen: WOULD YOU MIND SHARING WHO THAT IS?
>> IT WAS-- I THOUGHT-- THE VERY FIRST TIME I EVER WENT TO A
BASEBALL GAME WHEN I WAS SEVEN YEARS OLD, I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE
VERY EASY JUST TO GO DOWN TO THE GIANTS' CLUBHOUSE IN CANDLESTICK
PARK, EXPLAIN TO EVERYBODY AROUND ME THAT I WANTED WILLIE
MAYS' AUTOGRAPH, AND I JUST CRAWLED OUT TO THE EDGE AND
STUCK MY HEAD OVER THE SIDE AND WAVED A PIECE OF PAPER AND A PEN
WILLIE MAZE WOULD BE, "OF COURSE KID," DURING THE GAME.
I HAD SEEN TOO MANY TV SHOWS WHERE-- AND WE WEREN'T ALLOWED
EVEN UP CLOSE.
I DIDN'T GET THE AUTOGRAPH, BUT I WANTED IT.
>> Stephen: WHAT DO YOU THINK HAPPENS WHEN WE DIE?
>> I THINK WE GET TO RACE AUTOMOBILES.
I THINK WE GET TO PUT ON CRASH HELMETS AND BEAT A.J. FOYT.
>> Stephen: FAVORITE ACTION MOVIE.
>> "THE DIRTY DOZEN."
>> Stephen: THAT'S WHAT LEE MARVIN WAS TALKING TO CAVETT
ABOUT, "THE DIRTY DOZEN."
THAT'S WHAT MARVIN WAS TALKING ABOUT IN THE INTERVIEW.
CAVETT SAID, "YOU WERE IN WAR.
HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT THE DEPICTION OF WAR IN MOVIES?
SOME PEOPLE SAY 'THE DIRTY DOZEN'."
THAT GIVES YOU A SNAPSHOT INTO THE 60s.
SOME PEOPLE THOUGHT THAT GALORIFIED WAR IN A WAY THAT
REALLY SHOULDN'T BE SORT OF ADVERTISED ON THE SCREEN.
AND HE SAID, "NAH, I DON'T THINK SO"
HE GOES, "FILM IS REALLY ABOUT PUTTING THE TEAM TOGETHER AND
THE TRAINING THAT WE DID, PARACHUTING INTO THE-- INTO THE
CASTLE OR THE PALACE, OR WHATEVER IT WAS.
AND ALL OF THAT WAS THE SECOND HALF THAT WE PAID OFF SO THE
AUDIENCE COULD ENJOY THE FIRST HALF BECAUSE THEY KNEW THAT WAS
COMING.
>> IT'S ALWAYS GOOD TO KILL NAZIS, DICK.
I ALWAYS FIND THAT A GOOD SOURCE OF FAMILY ENTERTAINMENT.
>> Stephen: EXACTLY.
>> I SAW-- I SAW "THE DIRTY DOZEN" ON A BLACK AND WHITE TV
WITH COMMERCIALS ON IT, AND YOU COULD NOT HAVE CONVINCED ME THAT
IT WAS NOT THE GREATEST MOTION PICTURE EVER MADE.
>> Stephen: PRETTY GOOD MOVIE.
PRETTY GOOD MOVIE.
>> GOOD MOVIE.
>> Stephen: YEAH IT'S-- YOU KNOW, NOBODY WANTS TO SEE THE
REAL THING.
THAT'S WHAT HE SAID.
>> HOW ABOUT THAT?
>> Stephen: HE GOES, "NOBODY WANTS TO GO TO A NEWS REEL."
FAVORITE SMELL.
>> VANILLA.
>> Stephen: EXERCISE, WORTH IT?
>> YES.
>> Stephen: FLAT-- >> YOU TELL-- YOU TELL ME.
>> Stephen: COME ON, MAN.
>> LET ME TIGHTEN MY SWEATER.
CHECK OUT-- CHECK OUT THIS TRUNK.
COME ON.
LOOK AT THAT TRUNK!
>> Stephen: WOW, FOR A MAN OF YOUR HEIGHT.
>> IT'S THE CORE, BABY, IT'S THE CORE.
>> Stephen: FLAT OR SPARKLING?
>> SPARKLING.
>> Stephen: LET'S HAVE A PARTY.
MOST-USED APP ON YOUR PHONE.
>> I'M GOING TO SAY THE CAMERA.
BECAUSE I-- I GOT RID OF A BUNCH OF APPS.
>> Stephen: DOES THAT QUALIFY AS AN APP?
>> IS THAT AN APP.
>> Stephen: THAT IS A CAPABILITY ON YOUR PHONE, NOT AN
APP.
>> I WILL GO TO TUNE IN RADIO BECAUSE YOU CAN LISTEN TO ANY
RADIO STATION IN THE WORLD.
>> Stephen: DIG IT.
YOU GET ONE SONG TO LISTEN TO FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE, WHAT
IS IT?
>> I'M GOING TO SAY "OUR LIPS ARE SEALED" BY THE GO GO OS
( LAUGHTER ).
WHAT DID YOU DO?>> YOU DID NOTHI BUT I'M GOING TO IMAGINE THAT
FOREVER.
♪ ♪ ♪ CAN YOU HEAR THEM TALKING ABOUT
US TELLING LIES
THAT'S NOT SURPRISE.
CAN YOU LOOK AT THEM, LOOK RIGHT THROUGH THEM
NOTHING CAN BE REVEALED.
DOESN'T MATTER WHAT THEY SAY IN THE JEALOUS GAMES PEOPLE PLAY.
OUR LIPS ARE SEALED.
>> Stephen: I'LL GO FOR ETERNITY.
WHAT NUMBER AM I THINKING OF?
>> SIX.
>> Stephen: NO.
DESCRIBE THE REST OF YOUR LIFE IN FIVE WORDS.
>> MAGNIFICENT, CAVALCADE OF COLOR.
>> Stephen: TOM HANKS, EVERYBODY.
NOW YOU KNOW HIM.
THANK YOU, TOM.
THANKS AGAIN, TOM! WHEN WE COME BACK, I'LL ASK WHAT MERYL STREEP
ASKED A FORMER PRESIDENT TO AUTOGRAPH.
♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY,
YOU KNOW, FOLKS, EVEN FROM A DISTANCE I CAN SENSE YOUR
EXCITEMENT BECAUSE IT'S TIME FOR THE NEXT INSTALT OF AMERICA'S
FAVORITE GAME SHOW, "THE COLBERT QUESTIONNAIRE."
AND THE AWARD FOR BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN
"COLBERT QUESTIONNAIRE" GOES TO... I'M SO EXCITED.
I'M SO EXCITED.
MERYL STREEP!
HEY, EVERYBODY, WE'RE HERE WITH MERYL STREEP.
MERYL, THANKS SO MUCH FOR AGREEING TO BE PART OF TONIGHT'S
QUESTIONNAIRE.
NOW WE GET INTO THE HEAT OF THE MEAT.
THIS IS THE ACTUAL 15 QUESTIONS ON THE "COLBERT QUESTIONNAIRE"
THAT HELPED REVEAL EXACTLY WHO A PERSON IS.
ALL RIGHT?
IT-- IT'S GOING TO BE PAINLESS, I PROMISE YOU.
>> OKAY.
>> Stephen: IF AT ANY POINT YOU SAY, "I DON'T WANT TO DO
THIS," WALK AWAY.
JUST WALK AWAY FROM THE CAMERA, MERYL.
MERYL STREEP, WHAT IS THE BEST SANDWICH?
>> PASTRAMI.
>> Stephen: ON?
>> RYE.
>> Stephen: THAT'S THE CORRECT ANSWER.
WHAT'S ONE THING YOU OWN THAT YOU SHOULD REALLY THROW OUT?
>> EVERY PIECE OF CLOTHING IN THERE!
ESPECIALLY THIS SHIRT, WHICH I'VE WORN ON SEVEN INTERVIEWS.
>> Stephen: WHAT'S WRONG WITH THE SHIRT?
>> NOTHING, BUT PEOPLE ARE SICK OF IT.
BUT I HAVE NOTHING ELSE.
AND I WAS THINKING OF WEARING A PLAID SHIRT, AND NOW YOU ARE
WEARING A PLAID SHIRT, SO IT'S A GOOD THING I DIDN'T.
>> Stephen: IT'S SIMPLE.
IT'S SILKY.
IT'S GOOD FOR THE HOLIDAYS BECAUSE IT'S CRANBERRY.
>> EXACTLY.
>> Stephen: IT FITS NEW ENGLAND WELL.
OKAY, WHAT'S THE SCARIEST ANIMAL?
>> OOOH!
BLACK WIDOW SPIDER.
WHICH YOU CAN IDENTIFY FROM THE LITTLE WHITE, SPIKY EGG POD.
YEAH.
>> Stephen: BLACK WIDOW SPIDER.
OKAY.
AND THE LITTLE-- THE HOUR GLASS ON ITS BELLY, TOO.
>> YES, NO, BUT THE WAY YOU CAN TELL THE NEST IS IF THAT-- IT
LOOKS LIKE A CORONAVIRUS, BUT WHITE.
>> Stephen: ALL RIGHT.
>> THAT'S THEIR -- >> Stephen: ALL RIGHT.
>> EGG SACK.
>> Stephen: APPLES OR ORANGES?
>> APPLES.
>> Stephen: OF COURSE.
AND THE REASON BEING, YOU CAN'T PUT PEANUT BUTTER ON AN ORANGE.
>> PEOPLE HAVE, THOUGH.
IN MY FAMILY.
>> Stephen: HAVE YOU EVER ASKED SOMEONE FOR THEIR
AUTOGRAPH?
>> YES.
>> Stephen: DO YOU MIND TELLING ME WHO?
>> RICHARD NIXON.
>> Stephen: DID YOU GET IT?
>> AND I GOT IT.
AND IT WAS ON A MILKY WAY WRAPPER.
AND I WAS 12, AND MY DAD TOOK ME TO SAN FRANCISCO AND HE WAS IN A
PARADE.
AND I RAN ALONGSIDE THE THING, AND I REACHED FOR THE WRAPPER
AND HE WROTE HIS NAME ON IT.
>> Stephen: DO YOU STILL HAVE IT?
>> NO!
>> Stephen: I WROTE RICHARD NIXON WHEN I WAS.
1972... WHEN I WAS EIGHT YEARS OLD.
I HAD AN IDEA THERE SHOULD BE CONTINENTAL FLAGS.
WE HAD STATE FLAGS.
WE HAD CITY FLAGS.
WHY NOT CONTINENTAL FLAGS FOR UNITY OF NATIONS.
SO I WROTE-- WHAT'S-- WHAT'S TRUDEAU'S DAD?
PIERRE TRUDEAU.
I WROTE PIERRE TRUDEAU, I WROTE RICHARD NIXON AND WHOEVER AT THE
TIME WAS THE PRESIDENT OF MEXICO.
I GOT A LOVELY LETTER BACK FROM NIXON'S OFFICE SAYING, "THE
PRESIDENT LOVES YOUR IDEA," AND HE SENT A SIGNED BOOK OF PHOTOS
OF NIXON WITH CHILDREN.
( LAUGHING ( DO I HAVE IT?
NO!
OKAY.
LET'S SEE.
WHAT DO YOU THINK HAPPENS WHEN WE DIE?
>> OH... I THINK WE SEE EVERYONE WE LOVE, AND WE THEN GO BACK AND
INFLUENCE THE LIVES OF EVERYONE WE'VE LEFT BEHIND.
>> Stephen: I LIKE THAT.
FAVORITE ACTION MOVIE.
>> YOU'VE STUMPED ME.
>> Stephen: THE CORRECT ANSWER IS "THE RIVER WILD."
( LAUGHS ) OKAY, DO YOU HAVE A FAVORITE
SMELL?
>> APPLE PIE.
>> Stephen: DO YOU HAVE A LEAST-FAVORITE SMELL?
>> HE'S SITTING RIGHT THERE.
I CAN TURN IT RIGHT THERE.
HE PRODUCES THAT SMELL.
BUT HE ISN'T DOING IT NOW, SO...
>> Stephen: EXERCISE, IS IT WORTH IT?
>> YES, IT IS.
>> Stephen: OKAY.
FLAT OR SPARKLING?
FLAT OR SPARKLING.
>> SPARKLING.
>> Stephen: MOST-USED APP ON YOUR PHONE.
>> OH, THE PODCAST.
>> Stephen: SURE ONE MORE TIME WITH THE GESTURE, PLEASE.
AT CBS WE HAVE TO BLUR THAT, I THINK.
WHAT PODCAST ARE YOU LISTENING TO, AND SEND ME SOME LINKS.
( LAUGHTER ) OKAY, YOU GET ONE SONG TO LISTEN
TO FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.
WHAT IS IT?
>> OH HAJERO, JONI MITCHELL.
>> Stephen: WHAT NUMBER AM I THINKING OF?
>> THREE.
>> Stephen: DESCRIBE THE REST OF YOUR LIFE IN FIVE WORDS.
>> VERY, VERY, VERY, VERY LONG.
>> Stephen: MERYL STREEP, EVERYBODY.
NOW YOU KNOW HER.
THANKS AGAIN, MERYL.
WHEN WE COME BACK, GEORGE CLOONEY REMINDS YOU WHICH FRUIT
IS A GREAT SOURCE OF BONGS.
♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: WELCOME BACK TO
OUR "COLBERT QUESTIONNAIRE"
EXTRAVAGANZ-ERT.
I HOPE YOU'VE BEEN PLAYING ALONG AT HOME TO FIND OUT IF
YOU'RE MORE OF A TOM HANKS OR A MERYLL STREEP.
AND IF IT TURNS OUT YOU'RE EITHER ONE OF THEM, COME
BACK ON MY SHOW!
I'M A HUGE FAN.
NEXT UP: THE ONE, AND PRESUMABLY ONLY, GEORGE CLOONEY.
GEORGE, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING HERE, ALWAYS A PLEASURE,
SECOND TIME I'VE HAD YOU IN SIX YEARS.
THE PACE IS REALLY PICKING UP.
I RARELY GET TO TALK WITH YOU.
AND IN TV INTERVIEWS, IT'S SOMETIMES HARD TO GET TO THE
CORE OF A GUEST IN A SHORT PERIOD OF TIME.
BUT, OBVIOUSLY, THAT'S MY JOB.
SO WHAT WE'VE DEVISED HERE AT THE SHOW IS A WAY TO GET THE
ESSENCE OF A GUEST IN JUST 15 QUESTIONS.
IT'S CALLED THE "COLBERT QUESTIONNAIRE."
GEORGE CLOONEY, ARE YOU READY TO SIT FOR THE QUESTIONNAIRE?
>> I AM, STEPHEN.
I'M READY.
>> Stephen: OKAY, HERE WE GO.
NUMBER ONE, GEORGE CLOONEY WHAT IS THE BEST SANDWICH?
>> I LIKE A HAM SANDWICH.
>> Stephen: JUST-- JUST HAM?
YOU DON'T WANT-- >> OH, YOU MEAN THE WHOLE THING.
HAM, LETTUCE, TOMATO, A LITTLE MUSTARD ON IT, A LITTLE TOASTED.
MAYBE A POTATO BREAD.
>> Stephen: VERY SIMILAR ANSWER TO MR. HANKS.
OKAY, WHAT'S THE ONE THING YOU OWN THAT YOU REALLY SHOULD THROW
OUT?
>> UHM...
MY FLOWBEE, APPARENTLY.
I SHOULD THROW IT OUT.
>> Stephen: WUF BEEN DOING YOUR OWN LANDSCAPING?
>> FOR A WHILE NOW.
>> Stephen: WHAT'S THE SCARIEST ANIMAL, GEORGE?
>> SCARIEST ANIMAL.
IN THE SAFARI WORLD, WHICH I DID FINALLY GO ON ONE OF THESE?
THE HIPPO.
NOBODY-- THE HIPPO IS THE ONE THAT WILL GET YOU.
>> Stephen: YEAH, THAT'S TRUE.
>> THE HIPPO.
>> Stephen: APPLES OR ORANGES, GEORGE?
>> OH, APPLES.
>> Stephen: OBVIOUSLY, BECAUSE YOU CAN PUT PEANUT BUTTER ON A
SLICE OF APPLE.
>> YOU CAN DO ANYTHING WITH AN APPLE.
YOU CAN MAKE A BONG OUT OF AN APPLE.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stephen: THANK YOU!
THANK YOU!
YOU KNOW-- >> TELL THAT TO YOUR KIDS.
>> Stephen: I THINK IT'S WAY TOO LATE.
OKAY, HAVE YOU EVER ASKED SOMEONE FOR THEIR AUTOGRAPH?
>> YES.
MANY PEOPLE.
I WAS-- GREW UP IN CINCINNATI.
I WAS A HUGE CINCINNATI REDS BASEBALL FAN.
I HAVE JOHNNY BENCH'S SIGNATURE.
I HAVE JOE MORGAN'S SIGNATURE.
I HAVE PETE ROSE'S SIGNATURE ON BASEBALL.
>> Stephen: WOW, WOW.
WHAT DO YOU THINK HAPPENS WHEN WE DIE, GEORGE?
>> I DON'T KNOW.
I WAS ALWAYS, FOR ME, NOT A PARTICULARLY RELIGIOUS GUY.
I WAS RAISED CATHOLIC, AS UPPER.
AND I-- I EVENTUALLY SORT OF MOVED AWAY FROM THAT FOR ME.
NOT QUESTIONING OTHER PEOPLE'S RELIGION, JUST QUESTIONIN MY
OWN SORT OF BELIEFS.
BUT AS I GET OLDER, I START RENEGOTIATING THINGS A LITTLE
BIT.
AND I... AND YOU START THINKING, WELL, MAYBE THERE'S SOMETHING.
( LAUGHS ) MAYBE THERE'S A-- MAYBE THERE'S
A BAR SOMEWHERE WHERE YOU CAN JUST HANG.
>> Stephen: I LIKE THAT.
>> I'M RENEGOTIATING AS A AGE.
>> Stephen: ANOTHER GOOD.
FAVORITE ACTION MOVIE.
>> FAVORITE ACTION MOVIE.
THAT'S A GOOD QUESTION.
ALL RIGHT, LET ME THINK QUICKLY, WHAT'S ONE I JUST ABSOLUTELY
LOVE.
I STILL DIG "DIEHARD AM SM BRUCE WILLIS WAS SO GREAT IN THAT
SERIES, THE FIRST ONE IN PARTICULAR.
>> Stephen: SIDE QUESTION, NOT ON THE CARD, IS "DIE HARD" A
CHRISTMAS MOVIE?
>> ABSOLUTELY NOT.
IT IS NOT.
>> Stephen: WOW, YOU REALIZE THAT IS A CONTROVERSIAL ANSWER.
>> I KNOW.
BUT IT ISN'T.
>> Stephen: IT'S BEEN ESTABLISHED IN THE CANON OF
CHRISTMAS MOVIES, "DIE HARD."
IF YOU GO TO NETFLIX AND SEARCH "CHRISTMAS MOVIES" I ( BLEEP )
NOT, "DIE HARD" WILL BE ONE OF THE ANSWERS.
>> CHRISTMAS MOVIES ARE FOR THE FAMILY TO GATHER AROUND AND
CELEBRATE BEING TOGETHER AND CELEBRATE LIFE AND, YOU KNOW,
AND LOVE.
"DIE HARD" SAY SPECTACULAR FILM, AS I JUST PICKED IT AS MY ACTION
FILM.
BUT "IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE" IS YOUR CHRISTMAS MOVIE.
>> Stephen: ARE YOU SAYING YOU DON'T WANT TO SIT AROUND WITH
THE WHOLE FAMILY WITH THE KIDS AND GRANDMA AND WATCH HANS
GRUBER FALL OFF OF NOKATOMI PLAZA?
>> I'LL TEA YOU WHY.
AND THIS IS AN IMPORTANT THING.
GRANDMA IS DEAD.
>> Stephen: THAT WOULD BE DIFFICULT.
>> MAYBE THAT'S THE AFTERLIFE.
>> Stephen: WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE SMELL?
>> UHM...
I SUPPOSE WE HAVE-- WHAT'S IT CALLED?
WE HAVE A FLOWER HERE.
LAVENDER.
>> Stephen: OKAY.
>> LAVENDER IS MY FAVORITE SMELL.
WE HAVE LAVENDER ALL AROUND THE HOUSE.
IT'S UNBELIEVABLE.
>> Stephen: SUPPOSE TO BE VERY RELAXING.
LEAST-FAVORITE SMELL?
>> OLD LAVENDER, WHICH WAS THE NAME OF MY FIRST DOG.
LEAST-FAVORITE SMELL.
WELL, LOOK, I WILL BE VERY STRAIGHT WITH YOU.
MY CHILDREN STILL WEAR NAPPIES SOME, NOT ALL THE TIME, NOT
DURING THE DAY -- >> Stephen: IN AMERICA, WE
CALL THEM DIAPERS.
IN ENGLAND THEY'RE NAPPIES.
YOU NEED TO BE CONSISTENT, GEORGE.
>> I'M IN ENGLAND RIGHT NOW.
YOU KNOW, WHEN IN ROME.
AND I WILL TELL YOU, ONCE THEY GOT ON TO SOLID FOOD, I DON'T
KNOW WHAT HAPPENS FROM HERE TO HERE, BUT SOMETHING-- I MEAN, IT
WAS SHOCKING, THAT SMELL, YOU KNOW.
>> Stephen: I KNOW THAT SMELL.
EXERCISE.
WORTH IT?
>> ABSOLUTELY.
I DO TEFER DAY.
>> Stephen: OKAY.
FLAT OR SPARKLING?
>> SPARKLING.
I LIKE A LITTLE LIFT.
>> Stephen: EXACTLY.
THAT'S THE RIGHT ANSWER.
MOST-USED APP ON YOUR PHONE.
>> MOST OF THE-USED-- IN L.A., WAZE TO GET AROUND.
>> Stephen: GOOD, OKAY.
YOU GET ONE SONG TO LISTEN TO FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE, WHAT
IS IT?
>> UHM, "ALWAYS."
♪ I'LL BE LOVING YOU ALWAYS ♪ WITH A LOVE THAT'S TRUE ALWAYS
IT'S A BEAUTIFUL SONG.
IT'S MY MOM AND DAD'S LOVE SONG.
>> Stephen: WHAT NUMBER AM I THINKING OF?
>> SEVEN.
>> Stephen: NO.
DESCRIBE THE REST OF YOUR LIFE IN FIVE WORDS.
>> CLEANING UP AFTER MY KIDS.
>> Stephen: GEORGE CLOONEY, EVERYBODY.
THANK YOU, GEORGE.
YOU ARE NOW KNOWN.
CONGRATULATIONS.
>> THANK YOU FOR THAT.
THANKS AGAIN, GEORGE!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH A PERFORMANCE BY THE MOUNTAIN
GOATS.
PERFORMING "GET FAMOUS" FROM THEIR ALBUM,"GETTING INTO
KNIVES," THE MOUNTAIN GOATS!
>> ONE, TWO, THREE.
♪ YOU WERE BORN FOR THIS FASHION LIFE
♪ YOU WERE BORN FOR THESE ENDLESS NIGHTS
♪ YOU ALWAYS KNEW SOONER OR LATER, YOU WERE DESTINED TO
SOMETHING GREATER ♪ YOU TOOK NOTE ON WHAT YOU HAD
TO DO TO GET THE PIECE OF THE PIE THAT BELONGED TO YOU
♪ YOU'VE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS EVER SINCE YOU WERE YOUNG
♪ BE CAREFUL NOT TO CHOKE ON YOUR TONGUE
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
♪ COLD GRAY WORLD ARE THESE OBEDIENT SHEEP
♪ THEY ACT LIKE THEY KNOW BUT THEY'RE ALL SOUND ASLEEP
♪ WAITING FOR SOMETHING TO WAKE UP TO
SOME NICE JUICY BONE TO CHEW ♪ YOU ARRIVE ON THE SCENE
LIKE A MESSAGE FROM GOD ♪ LISTEN TO THE PEOPLE APPLAUD
♪ THIS IS WHAT YOU WERE BORN TO DO
♪ WESLEY WILLIS TAUGHT ME HOW TO WRITE ABOUT YOU
♪ GET FAMOUS YOU SHOULD BE FAMOUS
♪ GO ON AND GET FAMOUS ♪ I WANT YOU TO BE FAMOUS.
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ LIGHT UP THE SKY LIKE A COMET
MAKE YOURSELF WANT TO VOMIT ♪ SHINE LIKE A CURSED STAR
SHOW EVERYBODY EXACTLY WHO YOU ARE
♪ GET FAMOUS ♪ YOU SHOULD BE FAMOUS GO ON AND
GET FAMOUS ♪ I WANT YOU TO BE FAMOUS
>> Stephen: THE MOUNTAIN GOATS, EVERYBODY!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
"A LATE SHOW."
JOIN US NEXT WEEK, IF THERE IS ONE.
MY GUESTS WILL BE CHRIS ROCK, JAMES COMEY, AND SENATOR BERNIE
SANDERS.
GOOD NIGHT.
Captioning sponsored by CBS Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org
>> MERYL STREEP, ONE, TWO, THREE.
>> Stephen: THESE ZOOM DAYS BEING WHAT THEY ARE, WE HAVE TO
MAKE SURE WE'RE TECHNICALLY BUTTONED DOWN.
>> OH, MY GOD.
>> Stephen: VERY MUCH LIKE DUCT TAPE AND CHICKEN WIRE.