1
00:00:01,626 --> 00:00:05,714
>> SENATOR, THERE ARE A NUMBER
OF YOUR REPUBLICAN COLLEAGUES IN
2
00:00:05,714 --> 00:00:08,675
THE SENATE WHO STILL HAVE NOT
ACKNOWLEDGED, EVEN AFTER
3
00:00:08,675 --> 00:00:10,510
YESTERDAY, THAT JOE BIDEN IS THE
PRESIDENT-ELECT.
4
00:00:10,510 --> 00:00:16,182
I MEAN, FOR GOD'S SAKE, PUTIN
EVEN DID SO OVERNIGHT.
5
00:00:16,182 --> 00:00:19,352
>> HAS THE ELECTORAL COLLEGE
SUBMITTED THEIR VOTES AND NOW
6
00:00:19,352 --> 00:00:22,188
YOU HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO
ACKNOWLEDGE PRESIDENT-ELECT JOE
7
00:00:22,188 --> 00:00:26,192
BIDEN BUT ARE STILL AFRAID TO DO
SO?
8
00:00:26,192 --> 00:00:29,320
WELL, HOW ABOUT AN EDIBLE
ARRANGEMENT.
9
00:00:29,320 --> 00:00:33,199
FRUIT IS THE PERFECT WAY FOR A
COWARD TO SAY "CONGRATS,"
10
00:00:33,199 --> 00:00:36,327
BECAUSE AFTER IT'S CONSUMED,
THERE'S NO EVIDENCE.
11
00:00:36,327 --> 00:00:40,206
CHOOSE FROM SOME SUCH
FAINT-HEARTED ARRANGEMENTS AS
12
00:00:40,206 --> 00:00:46,171
THE "GUTLESS GUAVA," "TIME TO
MANGO UP AND ADMIT IT," AND THE
13
00:00:46,171 --> 00:00:47,255
"GROW A PAIR."
14
00:00:47,255 --> 00:00:50,175
AND NO NEED TO WORRY ABOUT
PRESIDENT TRUMP FINDING OUT,
15
00:00:50,175 --> 00:00:54,179
BECAUSE HE HAS NO INTEREST IN
FRUIT.
16
00:00:54,179 --> 00:00:55,221
SO LET FRUIT SAY THE THING YOU
DON'T WANT TO, BECAUSE "ORANGE"
17
00:00:55,221 --> 00:00:56,890
YOU GLAD YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO.
18
00:00:56,890 --> 00:01:00,560
SAY IT?
19
00:01:00,560 --> 00:01:01,269
EDIBLE ARRANGEMENTS: FOR WHEN
YOU DON'T WANT TO ADMIT YOUR
20
00:01:01,269 --> 00:01:03,980
CANDIDATE WAS BEATEN TO A PULP.
21
00:01:04,898 --> 00:01:09,027
>> >> Announcer: IT'S "A LATE
SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT."
22
00:01:09,027 --> 00:01:11,571
TONIGHT:
END OF THE LINE.
23
00:01:11,571 --> 00:01:15,074
PLUS, STEPHEN WELCOMES
ANDERSON COOPER
24
00:01:15,074 --> 00:01:20,455
AND ANDY COHEN
AND WHOOPI GOLDBER
25
00:01:20,455 --> 00:01:25,752
FEATURING JON BATISTE AND STAY
HOMIN'.
26
00:01:25,752 --> 00:01:28,922
AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM
THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER OFFICE
27
00:01:28,922 --> 00:01:33,343
BUILDING IN NEW YORK CITY, IT'S
STEPHEN COLBERT!
28
00:01:33,343 --> 00:01:37,764
>> Stephen: HELLO, EVERYBODY.
29
00:01:37,764 --> 00:01:40,433
WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."
30
00:01:40,433 --> 00:01:42,560
I AM YOU HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
31
00:01:42,560 --> 00:01:43,937
THIS IS OUR LAST WEEK BEFORE THE
HOLIDAY BREAK, AND WE HAVE A
32
00:01:43,937 --> 00:01:46,189
HUGE SLATE OF SHOWS PLANNED FOR
YOU.
33
00:01:46,189 --> 00:01:48,441
TONIGHT, I'M TALKING TO ANDY
COHEN AND ANDERSON COOPER.
34
00:01:48,441 --> 00:01:52,445
ANDY N' ANDERS THEMSELVES.
35
00:01:52,445 --> 00:01:53,947
PLUS WHOOPI GOLDBERG!
36
00:01:53,947 --> 00:01:55,782
IT'S A PRE-NEW YEAR'S BLOWOUT.
37
00:01:55,782 --> 00:01:56,783
I HONESTLY DON'T KNOW HOW IT
COULD GET ANY BETTER THAN THIS.
38
00:01:56,783 --> 00:01:57,408
I MEAN, YOU'D HAVE TO GET, LIKE,
TOM HANKS-- WHAT?
39
00:01:57,408 --> 00:02:00,578
HANKS?
40
00:02:00,578 --> 00:02:01,788
HERE?
41
00:02:01,788 --> 00:02:03,957
TOMORROW?
42
00:02:03,957 --> 00:02:04,499
WOW!
43
00:02:04,499 --> 00:02:07,877
AND I ALREADY KNEW THAT?
44
00:02:07,877 --> 00:02:08,586
THIS IS SOME PRETTY GOOD ACTING.
45
00:02:08,586 --> 00:02:11,172
ANYWAY, THAT'S SOME STAR POWER.
46
00:02:11,172 --> 00:02:12,340
WHERE DO WE GO FROM THERE?
47
00:02:12,340 --> 00:02:13,341
I MEAN, I'LL JUST GO CRAZY
HERE-- WHAT IF WE ENDED THE WEEK
48
00:02:13,341 --> 00:02:14,968
WITH, LIKE, GEORGE CLOONEY?
49
00:02:14,968 --> 00:02:15,677
WHAT!
50
00:02:15,677 --> 00:02:16,636
HOLY TEQUILA COMPANY!
51
00:02:16,636 --> 00:02:18,096
FRIDAY IS CLOON-DAY?
52
00:02:18,096 --> 00:02:19,597
THIS IS QUITE A SLATE OF
SPECTACULAR, HIGHLY-PROMOTABLE
53
00:02:19,597 --> 00:02:20,849
CELEBRITY GUESTS.
54
00:02:20,849 --> 00:02:31,317
BUT, AS FUN AS ALL THAT IS GOING
TO BE-- AND IT'S GOING TO BE SO
55
00:02:31,317 --> 00:02:32,986
MUCH FUN-- IT'S A SHAME I DON'T
GET TO TALK TO PRESIDENT-ELECT
56
00:02:32,986 --> 00:02:35,697
JOE BIDEN AND FUTURE FIRST LADY
DR. JILL BIDEN FOR THEIR FIRST
57
00:02:35,697 --> 00:02:38,992
JOINT POST-ELECTION INTERVIEW.
58
00:02:38,992 --> 00:02:40,451
GREAT SUFFERING SCRANTON!
59
00:02:40,451 --> 00:02:41,703
THEY'RE GOING TO BE HERE
THURSDAY?
60
00:02:41,703 --> 00:02:42,453
UNBELIEVABLE.
61
00:02:42,453 --> 00:02:46,207
WOW.
62
00:02:46,207 --> 00:02:47,667
2020 IS JUST THE BEST!
63
00:02:47,667 --> 00:02:49,294
WHAT'S THAT?
64
00:02:49,294 --> 00:02:49,794
OH, IT WAS THE WORST?
65
00:02:49,794 --> 00:02:53,506
OKAY, LET'S MOVE ON.
66
00:02:53,506 --> 00:02:57,510
ONE THING I'M SURE TO TALK ABOUT
WITH THE PRESIDENT-ELECT IS HIS
67
00:02:57,510 --> 00:02:58,761
COOL NEW JOB!
68
00:02:58,761 --> 00:03:02,348
LAST NIGHT, AFTER THE ELECTORAL
COLLEGE FORMALLY CHOSE HIM, THE
69
00:03:02,348 --> 00:03:05,643
PRESIDENT-ELECT DELIVERED A
PRIMETIME SPEECH, IN WHICH HE
70
00:03:05,643 --> 00:03:08,187
CALLED OUT THE REPUBLICANS WHO
SIGNED ON TO THE TEXAS CASE
71
00:03:08,187 --> 00:03:10,356
ATTEMPTING TO THROW OUT THE
ELECTION RESULTS.
72
00:03:10,356 --> 00:03:14,360
>> THIS LEGAL MANEUVER WAS AN
EFFORT BY ELECTED OFFICIALS AND
73
00:03:14,360 --> 00:03:17,572
ONE GROUP OF STATES TO TRY TO
GET THE SUPREME COURT TO WIPE
74
00:03:17,572 --> 00:03:22,076
OUT THE VOTES OF MORE THAN 20
MILLION AMERICANS IN OTHER
75
00:03:22,076 --> 00:03:23,202
STATES.
76
00:03:23,202 --> 00:03:26,331
IT'S A POSITION SO EXTREME,
WE'VE NEVER SEEN IT BEFORE.
77
00:03:26,331 --> 00:03:28,374
>> Stephen: YEAH, IT WAS AN
EXTREME POSITION, BUT THE G.O.P.
78
00:03:28,374 --> 00:03:32,378
IS TRYING ALL KINDS OF FREAKY,
NEW ANTIDEMOCRATIC POSITIONS
79
00:03:32,378 --> 00:03:33,338
LATELY.
80
00:03:33,338 --> 00:03:38,426
THEY'RE ALL DETAILED IN "THE
McCONNELL-SUTRA."
81
00:03:38,426 --> 00:03:42,347
SPEAK, OF THIS-- FULLY
ILLUSTRATED.
82
00:03:42,347 --> 00:03:44,515
SPEAKING OF WHICH, WITH
YESTERDAY'S ELECTORAL COLLEGE
83
00:03:44,515 --> 00:03:46,351
RESULT, SOME REPUBLICANS HAVE
BEEN FORCED TO FACE THEIR
84
00:03:46,351 --> 00:03:47,685
BIGGEST FEAR: REALITY.
85
00:03:47,685 --> 00:03:50,438
LIKE SENATE MAJORITY LEADER AND
PALPATINE-AMERICAN, MITCH
86
00:03:50,438 --> 00:03:52,190
McCONNELL.
87
00:03:52,190 --> 00:03:53,775
TODAY, McCONNELL TOOK TO THE
SENATE FLOOR AND BRAVELY FACED A
88
00:03:53,775 --> 00:03:58,404
FACT.
89
00:03:58,404 --> 00:04:01,699
>> THE ELECTORAL COLLEGE HAS
SPOKEN, SO TODAY I WANT TO
90
00:04:01,699 --> 00:04:04,702
CONGRATULATE
PRESIDENT-ELECT JOE BIDEN.
91
00:04:04,702 --> 00:04:07,956
>> Stephen: THE
PRESIDENT-ELECT WAS SURPRISINGLY
92
00:04:07,956 --> 00:04:11,250
GRATEFUL FOR McCONNELL'S
GRUDGING COMPLIMENT.
93
00:04:11,250 --> 00:04:13,920
>> I HAD A GREAT CONVERSATION
WITH MITCH McCONNELL TODAY.
94
00:04:13,920 --> 00:04:15,380
I CALLED TO THANK HIM FOR THE
CONGRATULATIONS.
95
00:04:15,380 --> 00:04:18,925
>> MR. LEADER, I CALLED TO
CONGRATULATE YOU FOR
96
00:04:18,925 --> 00:04:19,425
CONGRATULATING ME.
97
00:04:19,425 --> 00:04:22,762
LET'S GET TO WORK.
98
00:04:22,762 --> 00:04:28,393
HOW ABOUT THOSE CABINET
APPOINTMENTS?
99
00:04:28,393 --> 00:04:28,768
HELLO?
100
00:04:28,768 --> 00:04:29,727
MITCH?
101
00:04:29,727 --> 00:04:34,941
JACK?"
GET ME KLONDIKE 357.
102
00:04:34,941 --> 00:04:36,150
IT'S NOT JUST McCONNELL.
103
00:04:36,150 --> 00:04:37,568
OTHER REPUBLICANS ARE COMING
AROUND, INCLUDING TEXAS SENATOR
104
00:04:37,568 --> 00:04:40,279
AND MAN WHO WANTS YOU TO ASK
YOUR DOCTOR ABOUT XELJANZ, JOHN
105
00:04:40,279 --> 00:04:41,656
CORNYN.
106
00:04:41,656 --> 00:04:44,909
CORNYN SAYS REPUBLICANS NEED TO
RECOGNIZE THAT BIDEN WON,
107
00:04:44,909 --> 00:04:47,662
ARGUING, "THERE COMES A TIME
WHEN YOU HAVE TO REALIZE THAT
108
00:04:47,662 --> 00:04:50,498
DESPITE YOUR BEST EFFORTS,
YOU'VE BEEN UNSUCCESSFUL."
109
00:04:50,498 --> 00:04:56,337
YES, IT'S LIKE WE TELL KIDS WHEN
THEY PLAY SPORTS, IT IS
110
00:04:56,337 --> 00:04:58,589
IMPORTANT TO REALIZE WHEN YOU'VE
LOST, AND THEN SIX WEEKS LATER,
111
00:04:58,589 --> 00:05:00,091
DRIVE BACK TO THE FIELD SO YOU
CAN SHAKE THE OTHER TEAM'S HANDS
112
00:05:00,091 --> 00:05:05,471
AND SAY, "GOOD GAME, YOU
CHEATER."
113
00:05:05,471 --> 00:05:06,806
ANOTHER REPUBLICAN WHO HAS FOUND
THE COURAGE TO ACCEPT THE WILL
114
00:05:06,806 --> 00:05:08,349
OF THE VOTERS IS SENATE MAJORITY
WHIP AND MAN WONDERING IF HE
115
00:05:08,349 --> 00:05:11,769
SHOULD THROW A PIECE OF PLYWOOD
OVER THE SHALLOW GRAVE, JOHN
116
00:05:11,769 --> 00:05:13,021
THUNE.
117
00:05:13,021 --> 00:05:14,480
THUNE SAID THAT WHILE THE G.O.P.
118
00:05:14,480 --> 00:05:16,357
MAY BE DISAPPOINTED WITH THE
RESULT, "AT SOME POINT, YOU HAVE
119
00:05:16,357 --> 00:05:17,483
TO FACE THE MUSIC."
120
00:05:17,483 --> 00:05:20,653
YES, THAT MUSIC IS A LITTLE
DITTY CALLED "HAIL TO THE
121
00:05:20,653 --> 00:05:22,530
CHIEF," AND FOR THE NEXT FOUR
YEARS, YOU'RE GOING TO HEAR IT
122
00:05:22,530 --> 00:05:26,492
EVERY TIME YOU STAND UP WHEN JOE
BIDEN WALKS INTO THE ROOM.
123
00:05:26,492 --> 00:05:29,829
BUT SOME IN THE G.O.P. ARE STILL
STRUGGLING TO MINCE WORDS IN A
124
00:05:29,829 --> 00:05:33,291
WAY THAT WILL APPEASE HE WHO
SHALL NOT BE NAMED.
125
00:05:33,291 --> 00:05:35,793
JUST ASK WYOMING SENATOR AND MAN
INTERRUPTING A WOMAN TO SAY THE
126
00:05:35,793 --> 00:05:40,173
SAME THING SHE'S SAYING, JOHN
BARRASSO.
127
00:05:40,173 --> 00:05:42,467
WHEN ASKED WHETHER BIDEN IS
PRESIDENT-ELECT, BARRASSO SAID
128
00:05:42,467 --> 00:05:46,220
THAT WAS A "GOTCHA QUESTION."
129
00:05:46,220 --> 00:05:53,770
YEAH, CLASSIC GOTCHA QUESTION,
LIKE "WHO'S THE PRESIDENT?"
130
00:05:53,770 --> 00:05:57,023
AND "WHAT'S YOUR NAME?" AND
"WHAT YEAR IS IT?"
131
00:05:57,023 --> 00:05:58,691
AND IF YOU DON'T GIVE THE
ANSWERS THEY LIKE, ALL OF A
132
00:05:58,691 --> 00:06:00,359
SUDDEN, THEY GOTCHA IN FIVE-
POINT RESTRAINTS FOR YOUR OWN
133
00:06:00,359 --> 00:06:01,527
SAFETY.
134
00:06:01,527 --> 00:06:04,572
BUT THE AWARD FOR DUMBEST REPLY
HAS TO GO TO NORTH DAKOTA
135
00:06:04,572 --> 00:06:06,532
SENATOR AND MAN CAUGHT LOOKING
AT PORN ON HIS iPAD, KEVIN
136
00:06:06,532 --> 00:06:09,577
CRAMER.
137
00:06:09,577 --> 00:06:11,871
CRAMER RESPONDED TO THE VERY
STRAIGHTFORWARD QUESTION OF
138
00:06:11,871 --> 00:06:21,547
WHETHER BIDEN HAD WON WITH
THIS... ANSWER?
139
00:06:21,547 --> 00:06:23,841
"WELL, IT SEEMS TO ME THAT BEING
ELECTED BY THE ELECTORAL COLLEGE
140
00:06:23,841 --> 00:06:25,426
IS A THRESHOLD WHERE A TITLE
LIKE THAT IS PROBABLY MOST
141
00:06:25,426 --> 00:06:26,677
APPROPRIATE.
142
00:06:26,677 --> 00:06:27,637
AND IT'S-- I SUPPOSE YOU CAN SAY
"OFFICIAL," IF THERE IS SUCH A
143
00:06:27,637 --> 00:06:29,555
THING AS OFFICIAL
PRESIDENT-ELECT, OR ANYTHING
144
00:06:29,555 --> 00:06:30,848
ELSE-ELECT.
145
00:06:30,848 --> 00:06:32,391
AND THERE'S AN INAUGURATION THAT
WILL SWEAR SOMEBODY IN, AND THAT
146
00:06:32,391 --> 00:06:35,436
PERSON WILL BE THE PRESIDENT OF
THE UNITED STATES.
147
00:06:35,436 --> 00:06:37,688
BUT WHETHER YOU CAN CALL IT THAT
OR NOT, YOU KNOW, THERE ARE
148
00:06:37,688 --> 00:06:40,066
LEGAL CHALLENGES THAT ARE
ONGOING-- NOT VERY MANY--
149
00:06:40,066 --> 00:06:42,026
PROBABLY NOT A REMEDY THAT WOULD
CHANGE THE OUTCOME BUT, SO, I
150
00:06:42,026 --> 00:06:46,531
DON'T-- AGAIN, I DON'T KNOW HOW
A POLITICIAN REFERS TO ANOTHER
151
00:06:46,531 --> 00:06:49,283
POLITICIAN.
152
00:06:49,283 --> 00:06:52,245
I'M SORRY, WHAT?
153
00:06:52,245 --> 00:06:53,746
I'D HATE TO BE OFFICE MATES WITH
KEVIN CRAMER.
154
00:06:53,746 --> 00:06:58,084
"HEY, KEV, DID YOU BY ANY CHANCE
EAT MY YOGURT FROM THE FRIDGE?"
155
00:06:58,084 --> 00:07:04,632
"WELL IT SEEMS TO ME THAT
WRITING YOUR NAME ON A SNACK IS
156
00:07:04,632 --> 00:07:06,217
A THRESHOLD WHERE IT MIGHT BE
APPROPRIATE TO SAY IT WAS YOURS
157
00:07:06,217 --> 00:07:07,635
GIVEN THAT YOU-- I SUPPOSE YOU
COLD SAY LABELED-- IF THERE
158
00:07:07,635 --> 00:07:09,554
IS SUCH A THING AS OFFICIALLY
CLAIMING YOGURT OR ANY DAIRY
159
00:07:09,554 --> 00:07:10,930
PRODUCT THAT, OF COURSE, THE
ORIGINAL COW HAS SOME INTEREST
160
00:07:10,930 --> 00:07:12,140
IN.
161
00:07:12,140 --> 00:07:14,600
AND PERHAPS THERE IS A COMMUNAL
COOLING BOX, WHICH WE REFER TO
162
00:07:14,600 --> 00:07:17,937
AS THE "FRIDGE"-- WHETHER YOU
CALL IT A FRIDGE OR NOT-- THE
163
00:07:17,937 --> 00:07:19,021
COOLING AGENT ITSELF IS FREON.
164
00:07:19,021 --> 00:07:21,732
ALTHOUGH, THERE ARE OTHERS
THAT CAN BE USED-- NOT VERY
165
00:07:21,732 --> 00:07:23,901
MANY-- PROBABLY NONE THAT WOULD
BRING THE YOGURT BACK AFTER IT'S
166
00:07:23,901 --> 00:07:25,570
BEEN CONSUMED.
167
00:07:25,570 --> 00:07:29,907
SO, I DON'T-- AGAIN, I DON'T
KNOW HOW A MAN ACKNOWLEDGES
168
00:07:29,907 --> 00:07:35,913
ANOTHER MAN'S CHOBANI."
169
00:07:35,913 --> 00:07:38,124
WHILE G.O.P. LEADERSHIP HAS HAD
A HARD TIME ADMITTING THEIR
170
00:07:38,124 --> 00:07:40,835
DEFEAT IN THE PRESIDENTIAL
ELECTION, THEY'RE GETTING MORE
171
00:07:40,835 --> 00:07:42,086
STRAIGHT TALK FROM THEIR "BOSS'
BOSS," BECAUSE THIS MORNING,
172
00:07:42,086 --> 00:07:44,547
RUSSIAN PRESIDENT VLADIMIR PUTIN
CONGRATULATED BIDEN ON WINNING
173
00:07:44,547 --> 00:07:46,632
THE U.S. ELECTION.
174
00:07:46,632 --> 00:07:48,634
NOT A GREAT LOOK FOR SENATE
REPUBLICANS WHEN THE GUY WHO
175
00:07:48,634 --> 00:07:50,511
INTERFERED IN OUR ELECTION IS
LIKE:
176
00:07:50,511 --> 00:07:53,931
(AS PUTIN)
"COME ON, HE WON.
177
00:07:53,931 --> 00:07:58,394
AT A CERTAIN POINT, YOU GUYS ARE
POISONING DEMOCRACY, AND NOT IN
178
00:07:58,394 --> 00:07:59,604
THE RIGHT WAY-- WITH POISON."
179
00:07:59,604 --> 00:08:02,648
BUT IT LOOKS LIKE OUR CURRENT
PRESIDENT WILL NEVER CONCEDE.
180
00:08:02,648 --> 00:08:09,363
REPORTEDLY, THE CLOSEST HE
COMES TO IS SAYING, "IF WE DON'T
181
00:08:09,363 --> 00:08:10,656
WIN, I DON'T SAY LOSE.
182
00:08:10,656 --> 00:08:20,166
I SAY 'I DON'T WIN.'"
HOLY STUPID.
183
00:08:20,166 --> 00:08:22,668
NOW, I DON'T SAY HE'S PATHETIC,
BUT I SAY HE DON'T DIGNIFIED.
184
00:08:22,668 --> 00:08:26,172
THE PRESIDENT IS BLAMING
EVERYONE BUT HIMSELF FOR HIS
185
00:08:26,172 --> 00:08:29,050
"NOT WIN," INCLUDING HIS OLD
PALS AT FOX NEWS.
186
00:08:29,050 --> 00:08:31,844
ACCORDING TO A SOURCE CLOSE TO
THE PRESIDENT, HE VOWED TO MAKE
187
00:08:31,844 --> 00:08:34,680
FOX NEWS "PAY" FOR ACCURATELY
CALLING THE RACE.
188
00:08:34,680 --> 00:08:35,973
YES, HOW DARE FOX REPORT NEWS!
189
00:08:35,973 --> 00:08:38,684
THEIR JOB IS TO SPREAD G.O.P.
190
00:08:38,684 --> 00:08:40,686
PROPAGANDA, SELL LUBRICATED
CATHETERS, AND EMPLOY THE
191
00:08:40,686 --> 00:08:46,525
MEANEST MEMBER FROM EVERY
SORORITY.
192
00:08:46,525 --> 00:08:47,985
SPEAKING OF DIVORCED FROM
REALITY, YESTERDAY, AS PART OF A
193
00:08:47,985 --> 00:08:53,032
PLOT TO PRETEND THE ELECTORAL
COLLEGE DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING, A
194
00:08:53,032 --> 00:08:54,659
GROUP OF YAHOOS CALLING
THEMSELVES ELECTORS SHOWED UP AT
195
00:08:54,659 --> 00:08:58,746
THE MICHIGAN STATE CAPITOL AND
TRIED TO CAST THEIR VOTES FOR
196
00:08:58,746 --> 00:08:59,997
THE GUY WHO LOST THEIR STATE.
197
00:08:59,997 --> 00:09:01,749
AND IT WENT ABOUT AS WELL AS YOU
WOULD HOPE:
198
00:09:01,749 --> 00:09:06,712
>> THE CAPITOL IS CLOSED, UNLESS
YOU HAVE AN OFFICE HERE TO
199
00:09:06,712 --> 00:09:08,381
CONDUCT BUSINESS TODAY, OR IF
YOU ARE TAKING PART IN THE
200
00:09:08,381 --> 00:09:09,465
ELECTORAL COLLEGE PROCESS.
201
00:09:09,465 --> 00:09:09,882
ANYBODY ELSE IS NOT PERMITTED TO
COME IN THE CAPITOL.
202
00:09:09,882 --> 00:09:10,716
>> SO, ELECTORS.
203
00:09:10,716 --> 00:09:13,344
>> WE'RE ELECTORS.
204
00:09:13,344 --> 00:09:14,595
>> WE'RE HERE TO TAKE PART IN
THE ELECTORAL PROCESS.
205
00:09:14,595 --> 00:09:15,888
>> THE ELECTORS ARE ALREADY
HERE.
206
00:09:15,888 --> 00:09:16,681
THEY'VE BEEN CHECKED IN.
207
00:09:16,681 --> 00:09:18,057
>> WELL, NOT ALL OF THE
ELECTORS.
208
00:09:18,057 --> 00:09:28,067
>> NOT ALL OF THE ELECTORS ARE
INSIDE.
209
00:09:28,067 --> 00:09:36,033
>> NOT ALL OF THE ELECTORS ARE
INSIDE.
210
00:09:36,033 --> 00:09:37,868
>> Stephen: THAT'S AWKWARD.
211
00:09:37,868 --> 00:09:39,078
>> Stephen: AWKWARD.
212
00:09:39,078 --> 00:09:39,996
THAT'S LIKE A GUY SHOWING UP AT
SOMEONE'S WEDDING AND TELLING
213
00:09:39,996 --> 00:09:41,914
THE USHER, "HI, I'M HERE TO
MARRY CAITLIN.
214
00:09:41,914 --> 00:09:45,584
I UNDERSTAND SHE'S EXCHANGING
VOWS WITH SOMEONE ELSE.
215
00:09:45,584 --> 00:09:46,752
NOT ALL THE GROOMS ARE INSIDE.
216
00:09:46,752 --> 00:09:53,426
I'M HER REPUBLICAN HUSBAND!"
THE COVID VACCINE, IN CASE YOU
217
00:09:53,426 --> 00:09:56,220
HAVEN'T HEARD, IS HERE AND
PEOPLEGETTING IT.
218
00:09:56,220 --> 00:10:02,727
AND THIS IS AN ABSOLUTE TRIUMPH
OF SCIENCE.
219
00:10:02,727 --> 00:10:06,063
BUT THE PHARMA INDUSTRY STILL
HAS OCCASIONAL OOPSIES.
220
00:10:06,063 --> 00:10:11,110
FOR INSTANCE, ONE PHARMA
COMPANY, AVKARE-- AND I TRUST
221
00:10:11,110 --> 00:10:14,822
I'M MISPRONOUNCING THAT--
RECENTLY ISSUED A RECALL AFTER
222
00:10:14,822 --> 00:10:15,823
THEY ACCIDENTALLY PACKAGED
ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION
223
00:10:15,823 --> 00:10:17,033
DRUGS WITH ANTI-DEPRESSANTS.
224
00:10:17,033 --> 00:10:18,034
SO, THERE'S THE ANSWER IF YOU'RE
WONDERING WHY YOUR PENIS HAS
225
00:10:18,034 --> 00:10:25,499
STARTED PAINTING AGAIN AND IS UP
FOR THE PICNIC.
226
00:10:25,499 --> 00:10:30,046
THE TWO DRUGS IN QUESTION ARE
TRAZODONE, WHICH IS USED TO
227
00:10:30,046 --> 00:10:32,298
TREAT MAJOR DEPRESSIVE
DISORDERS; AND SILDENAFIL, THE
228
00:10:32,298 --> 00:10:34,759
ACTIVE INGREDIENT IN VIAGRA.
229
00:10:34,759 --> 00:10:40,514
WEIRD.
230
00:10:40,514 --> 00:10:41,349
THAT'S WEIRD, I ALWAYS THOUGHT
THE ACTIVE INGREDIENT IN VIAGRA
231
00:10:41,349 --> 00:10:42,600
WAS ACOUSTIC GUITAR JAM WITH THE
BOYS.
232
00:10:42,600 --> 00:10:44,644
WHILE THESE PILLS WERE RECALLED,
ANOTHER PHARMACEUTICAL COMPANY
233
00:10:44,644 --> 00:10:46,687
SEES THIS MIX-UP AS AN
OPPORTUNITY, AND THEY'VE
234
00:10:46,687 --> 00:10:47,980
RELEASED THIS HELPFUL NEW AD.
235
00:10:47,980 --> 00:10:52,818
>> WHEN I STARTED SUFFERING FROM
SEASONAL DEPRIGZ PREGZ, I ASKED
236
00:10:52,818 --> 00:10:55,321
MY DOCTOR ABOUT TRAZODONE.
237
00:10:55,321 --> 00:10:59,950
HE SAID I COULD PRESCRIBE YOU
TRAZODONE OR TAKE YOU ON THE
238
00:10:59,950 --> 00:11:01,869
RIDE OF YOUR LIFE.
239
00:11:01,869 --> 00:11:06,123
HE GET ME TURNINGILAC.
240
00:11:06,123 --> 00:11:10,795
IT RELIEVES DEPRESSION OR
ERECTILE DEPRESSION.
241
00:11:10,795 --> 00:11:12,880
ALL THE PILLS LOOK EXACTLY THE
SAME.
242
00:11:12,880 --> 00:11:14,507
WHAT?
243
00:11:14,507 --> 00:11:16,217
AFRAID TO ROLL THE BONE.
244
00:11:16,217 --> 00:11:22,807
SOUNDS LIKE YOU NEED
TURNINGILAX, MY LIFE HAS, I
245
00:11:22,807 --> 00:11:26,143
WOULDN'T SAY IMPROVED BUT MORE
EXCITING.
246
00:11:26,143 --> 00:11:30,731
I TOOK A PILL ABOUT 20 MINUTES
BEFORE SHOOTING THIS AND-- IT'S
247
00:11:30,731 --> 00:11:33,234
GOING TO BE A BAD DAY FROM THE
WAIST UP.
248
00:11:33,234 --> 00:11:34,819
HONEY, GET IN HERE!
249
00:11:34,819 --> 00:11:36,028
IT'S TIME!
250
00:11:36,028 --> 00:11:43,577
>> TURNINGILAX.
251
00:11:43,577 --> 00:11:47,706
IF YOUR ERECTION OR SADNESS
LASTS LONGER THAN FOUR HOURS,
252
00:11:47,706 --> 00:11:52,002
HEY, TAKE MORE TURNINGILAX.
253
00:11:52,002 --> 00:11:56,882
TURNINGILAX, BECAUSE LIFE IS
HARD AND SO IS YOUR PENIS.
254
00:11:56,882 --> 00:11:58,050
>> Stephen: WE'VE GOT A GREAT
SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
255
00:11:58,050 --> 00:12:03,013
MY GUESTS ARE ANDERSON COOPER
AND ANDY COHEN, PLUS WHOOPI
256
00:12:03,013 --> 00:12:04,765
GOLDBERG.
257
00:12:04,765 --> 00:12:06,392
BUT FIRST, "MEANWHILE."
258
00:12:06,392 --> 00:12:07,476
JOIN US, WON'T YOU?
259
00:12:36,547 --> 00:12:37,214
♪ ♪ ♪
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY,
260
00:12:37,214 --> 00:12:38,382
WELCOME BACK TO "A LATE SHOW."
261
00:12:38,382 --> 00:12:41,302
LET'S SAY HELLO TO JON BATISTE.
262
00:12:41,302 --> 00:12:42,303
HELLO, JON!
263
00:12:42,303 --> 00:12:47,808
HEY, JON, TELL ME ABOUT "PLAY ON
LIVE" TONIGHT.
264
00:12:47,808 --> 00:12:48,976
>> Jon: OH, YEAH.
265
00:12:48,976 --> 00:12:53,606
>> Stephen: YOU WERE ON THE
CBS TONIGHT WITH "THE PLAY ON
266
00:12:53,606 --> 00:12:54,106
LIVE."
267
00:12:54,106 --> 00:12:55,274
TELL ME ABOUT THAT.
268
00:12:55,274 --> 00:12:58,819
>> Jon: THAT'S RIGHT, WITH MY
FRIEND EMILY KING AND SARAH
269
00:12:58,819 --> 00:13:00,029
BERRALIS.
270
00:13:00,029 --> 00:13:05,451
WE DID A SONG WITH MANY GREAT
ARTISTS AND IT BENEFITTED THE
271
00:13:05,451 --> 00:13:10,581
N.A.A.C.P. LEGAL DEFENSE FUND,
AND AN ORGANIZATION I HAVE BEEN
272
00:13:10,581 --> 00:13:14,793
INVOLVED WITH AND A FRIEND OF
FOR MAN YEARS, THE LAST FIVE,
273
00:13:14,793 --> 00:13:15,878
SIX YEARS.
274
00:13:15,878 --> 00:13:21,467
WE PLAYED A CURTIS MAYFIELD SONG
WITH THE IMPRESSIONS.
275
00:13:21,467 --> 00:13:22,968
BEFORE IT WAS JUST CURTIS.
276
00:13:22,968 --> 00:13:28,641
♪ PEOPLE GET READY
THERE'S A TRAIN A-COMING ♪
277
00:13:28,641 --> 00:13:31,143
WE DID THAT AND IT WAS KILLING.
278
00:13:31,143 --> 00:13:31,519
STEVE ON THE DRUMS.
279
00:13:31,519 --> 00:13:32,102
IT WAS GREAT.
280
00:13:32,102 --> 00:13:33,771
I WAS SO HAPPY WITH IT.
281
00:13:33,771 --> 00:13:41,362
>> Stephen: JON BATISTE,
EVERYBODY, THANK YOU, JON.
282
00:13:41,362 --> 00:13:43,989
FOLKS, YOU KNOW, I SPEND A LOT
OF TIME PICKING THE TIMELIEST
283
00:13:43,989 --> 00:13:46,784
STORY APPLES, GRINDING THEM INTO
THE PERFECT TOPICAL EXTRACT AND
284
00:13:46,784 --> 00:13:49,495
MIXING IT WITH CINNAMON, MAPLE
SYRUP, ALLSPICE AND OTHER
285
00:13:49,495 --> 00:13:53,374
SEASONALLY-APT AROMATICS TO BREW
THE GOURMET ARTISANAL HOT APPLE
286
00:13:53,374 --> 00:13:56,335
CIDER MUG THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE.
287
00:13:56,335 --> 00:14:01,507
BUT ONCE IN A WHILE, I DUMP
SOME APPLE SHASTA AND GRAIN
288
00:14:01,507 --> 00:14:04,843
ALCOHOL INTO A ONE-GALLON ZIPLOC
BAG, ADD SOME CRUSHED UP FRUIT
289
00:14:04,843 --> 00:14:09,515
BITS I PICKED OUT OF OLD FIG
NEWTONS, AND THE RIND OF A
290
00:14:09,515 --> 00:14:10,724
JACK-O'-LANTERN LEFT OUTSIDE
SINCE HALLOWEEN, TOSS IN SOME
291
00:14:10,724 --> 00:14:13,852
YEAST, AND FERMENT IT UNDER MY
MATTRESS, THEN STRAIN IT THROUGH
292
00:14:13,852 --> 00:14:16,981
A SOCK TO CREATE THE CONTRABAND
TOILET-HOOCH OF NEWS THAT IS MY
293
00:14:16,981 --> 00:14:25,489
SEGMENT: "QUARANTINE-WHILE!"
QUARANTINE-WHILE, ACCORDING TO A
294
00:14:25,489 --> 00:14:28,075
NEW STUDY, YOUR DOG DOESN'T
REALLY KNOW WHAT YOU'RE
295
00:14:28,075 --> 00:14:29,243
TALKING ABOUT.
296
00:14:29,243 --> 00:14:31,036
YOU CAN SEE ALL THE DETAILS IN
THE PRESTIGIOUS "NEW ENGLAND
297
00:14:31,036 --> 00:14:34,832
JOURNAL OF THAT'S WHAT WE
ASSUMED."
298
00:14:34,832 --> 00:14:39,211
QUARANTINE-WHILE, A PHYSICIST
DISCOVERED A NEW WAY TO MAKE
299
00:14:39,211 --> 00:14:44,383
CHEAP N-95 MASKS BY USING A
COTTON CANDY MACHINE.
300
00:14:44,383 --> 00:14:45,593
THAT IS AWESOME.
301
00:14:45,593 --> 00:14:49,513
BUT HOT TIP: DON'T EAT YOUR MASK
AND THEN IMMEDIATELY GO ON THE
302
00:14:49,513 --> 00:14:52,850
TILT-A-WHIRL, OR ELSE YOU KNOW
THAT THING'S COMING RIGHT BACK
303
00:14:52,850 --> 00:14:54,852
UP.
304
00:14:54,852 --> 00:14:56,729
QUARANTINE-WHILE, FOLLOWING A
REPORT FROM THE FRENCH MILITARY
305
00:14:56,729 --> 00:14:58,772
ETHICS COMMITTEE, THE FRENCH
ARMY GOT AN ETHICAL GO-AHEAD TO
306
00:14:58,772 --> 00:15:03,235
CREATE BIONIC SOLDIERS AND NOW
HAVE PERMISSION TO DEVELOP
307
00:15:03,235 --> 00:15:08,032
"AUGMENTED SOLDIERS," BUT HAS
FORBIDDEN ANY MODIFICATION THAT
308
00:15:08,032 --> 00:15:10,909
WOULD AFFECT A SOLDIER'S SENSE
OF "HUMANITY."
309
00:15:10,909 --> 00:15:16,915
ALWAYS COMFORTING TO SEE
"HUMANITY" IN QUOTES.
310
00:15:16,915 --> 00:15:19,960
NOTHING TO "WORRY" ABOUT, WE'VE
REALLY "THOUGHT" THIS THROUGH,
311
00:15:19,960 --> 00:15:22,921
SO FEEL FREE TO LET DOWN YOUR
"DEFENSES."
312
00:15:22,921 --> 00:15:25,591
BUT THAT'S NOT ALL.
313
00:15:25,591 --> 00:15:28,927
FURTHER EXAMPLES OF BANNED
MODIFICATIONS INCLUDE COGNITIVE
314
00:15:28,927 --> 00:15:31,930
IMPLANTS THAT WOULD AFFECT THE
EXERCISE OF A SOLDIER'S FREE
315
00:15:31,930 --> 00:15:33,557
WILL.
316
00:15:33,557 --> 00:15:36,602
SO, EVERYBODY OUT THERE WORRIED
THEY ARE GOING TO BUILD A
317
00:15:36,602 --> 00:15:37,394
TERMINATOR, CALM DOWN.
318
00:15:37,394 --> 00:15:40,939
IT'S GOING TO BE "LE
TERMINATEUR!"
319
00:15:40,939 --> 00:15:44,777
NOW, WE HERE AT "MEANWHILE
CONSOLIDATED PETROLEUM AND HUMOR
320
00:15:44,777 --> 00:15:49,573
PRODUCTS" SOMETIMES COME ACROSS
SO MANY PENIS-RELATED STORIES,
321
00:15:49,573 --> 00:15:52,910
WE HAVE TO CORRAL THEM IN OUR
GROIN-FOCUSED "QUARANTINE-WHILE"
322
00:15:52,910 --> 00:15:56,038
SUB SEGMENT: "PEEN-WHILE."
323
00:15:56,038 --> 00:15:57,623
PEEN-WHILE, NEW FOOTAGE FROM
CENTRAL CHINA SHOWS ANOTHER
324
00:15:57,623 --> 00:16:01,585
REASON THEY HAVE BECOME OUR
MOST FORMIDABLE ENEMY.
325
00:16:01,585 --> 00:16:05,506
>> WANG LIUTAI IS NO ORDINARY
KUNG FU MASTER.
326
00:16:05,506 --> 00:16:09,093
THE 65-YEAR-OLD PRACTICES A
UNIUE AND EXCRUCIATING-LOOKING
327
00:16:09,093 --> 00:16:16,266
TYPE OF MARTIAL ARTS KNOWN AS
"IRON CROTCH KUNG FU."
328
00:16:16,266 --> 00:16:19,311
ITS MOST FAMOUS TECHNIQUE
INVOLVES SWINGING A
329
00:16:19,311 --> 00:16:21,563
STEEL-PLATE-CAPPED, TWO-METER-
LONG LOG THROUGH THE AIR TO
330
00:16:21,563 --> 00:16:25,025
SMASH INTO A MAN'S CROTCH.
331
00:16:25,025 --> 00:16:27,820
>> Stephen: PERFECT FOR ANYONE
WHO'S EVER SAID, "I LOVE MARTIAL
332
00:16:27,820 --> 00:16:32,199
ARTS, BUT THERE JUST AREN'T
ENOUGH NUT SHOTS.
333
00:16:32,199 --> 00:16:34,702
SOMETIMES I LEAVE A SPARRING
LESSION, AND MY GROIN ISN'T
334
00:16:34,702 --> 00:16:35,536
BLACK AND BLUE.
335
00:16:35,536 --> 00:16:37,496
IT'S LIKE, WHAT AM I DOING THIS
FOR?"
336
00:16:37,496 --> 00:16:40,874
ALSO, THAT'S A LOT OF EFFORT
JUST TO GET HIT IN THE NUTS.
337
00:16:40,874 --> 00:16:45,045
BUDDY'S GOT A BEAM TRESTLE,
CHAIN RIGGING, FORESTRY... I
338
00:16:45,045 --> 00:16:48,340
KNOW FOR A FACT THAT, WHETHER
YOU ASKED FOR IT OR NOT, YOU CAN
339
00:16:48,340 --> 00:16:51,301
GET THE SAME EFFECT FROM A
10-YEAR-OLD WITH A NERF GUN.
340
00:16:51,301 --> 00:16:52,136
PROPONENTS OF IRON CROTCH
KUNG FU INSIST THAT NOTHING
341
00:16:52,136 --> 00:16:57,641
BEATS A GOOD TREE TO THE GROIN.
342
00:16:57,641 --> 00:17:01,520
AS ONE PUT IT, "WHEN YOU
PRACTICE IRON CROTCH KUNG FU, AS
343
00:17:01,520 --> 00:17:04,648
LONG AS YOU PUSH YOURSELF, YOU
WILL FEEL GREAT."
344
00:17:04,648 --> 00:17:05,774
YOU'VE GOT TO PUSH YOURSELF.
345
00:17:05,774 --> 00:17:09,278
WHICH RAISES A QUESTION: WHO
SUSPENDS A LOG FROM A CHAIN,
346
00:17:09,278 --> 00:17:10,988
POSITIONS HIMSELF INSIDE THE
LOG'S PROJECTED PARABOLA, AND
347
00:17:10,988 --> 00:17:13,574
THEN DECIDES TO PHONE IT IN?
348
00:17:13,574 --> 00:17:16,994
STILL, THIS IS THE PERFECT TIME
OF YEAR TO TAKE UP CROTCH-FU,
349
00:17:16,994 --> 00:17:20,539
BECAUSE YOU'LL FINALLY HAVE A
USE FOR YOUR TREE BEYOND
350
00:17:20,539 --> 00:17:21,582
CHRISTMAS.
351
00:17:21,582 --> 00:17:25,586
RIGHT IN THE JINGLE BELLS!
352
00:17:25,586 --> 00:17:29,006
PEEN-WHILE, A RUSSIAN AIRLINE
OFFICIAL WAS FIRED FOR CREATING
353
00:17:29,006 --> 00:17:30,132
A PENIS-SHAPED FLIGHT DETOUR.
354
00:17:30,132 --> 00:17:33,635
FUN FACT: "PENIS-SHAPED FLIGHT
DETOUR" WAS THE NAME OF MY
355
00:17:33,635 --> 00:17:34,928
JEFFERSON AIRPLANE COVER BAND.
356
00:17:34,928 --> 00:17:36,221
AND I WOULD HATE TO BE ON THAT
PLANE:
357
00:17:36,221 --> 00:17:40,184
"UHH, THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN
SPEAKING.
358
00:17:40,184 --> 00:17:44,772
NORMALLY WE'D BE STARTING OUR
DESCENT, BUT I'M GONNA TAKE A
359
00:17:44,772 --> 00:17:45,939
BEAT TO DRAW A GIANT SKY DONG.
360
00:17:45,939 --> 00:17:49,568
IT WILL DELAY US SIGNIFICANTLY,
BUT IT WILL BE HILARIOUS--
361
00:17:49,568 --> 00:17:55,240
I REPEAT, HILARIOUS."
362
00:17:55,240 --> 00:17:58,952
ANYWAY, HOW ANATOMICALLY
ACCURATE CAN A PENIS DRAWN USING
363
00:17:58,952 --> 00:18:01,705
A FLIGHT PATH BE-- WOW.
364
00:18:01,705 --> 00:18:07,377
ALSO, GIVEN THE TEMPERATURE AT
30,000 FEET, VERY IMPRESSIVE.
365
00:18:07,377 --> 00:18:09,213
QUARANTINE-WHILE, IT'S OFFICIAL:
HARRISON FORD WILL RETURN IN A
366
00:18:09,213 --> 00:18:13,717
FIFTH "INDIANA JONES" MOVIE.
367
00:18:13,717 --> 00:18:17,638
DESPITE BEING 78-YEARS-OLD,
SO, IN THE SUMMER OF 2022, LOOK
368
00:18:17,638 --> 00:18:26,980
FORWARD TO "INDIANA JONES AND
THE TEMPLE OF SOUP," FOLLOWED UP
369
00:18:26,980 --> 00:18:27,523
BY "INDIANA JONES AND THE LOST
ARK, BUT IT WAS ON TOP OF HIS
370
00:18:27,523 --> 00:18:28,649
HEAD THE WHOLE TIME."
371
00:18:28,649 --> 00:18:30,275
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH
ANDERSON COOPER AND ANDY COHEN.
372
00:18:46,291 --> 00:18:48,293
♪ ♪ ♪
>> Stephen: HEY, WELCOME BACK.
373
00:18:48,293 --> 00:18:50,295
JOINING ME NOW ARE TWO OF TV'S
FINEST.
374
00:18:50,295 --> 00:18:53,423
YOU KNOW THEM FROM "ANDERSON
COOPER 360" AND "WATCH WHAT
375
00:18:53,423 --> 00:18:57,302
HAPPENS LIVE."
376
00:18:57,302 --> 00:19:01,139
THIS YEAR, THEY'RE RETURNING AS
CO-HOSTS OF CNN'S LIVE NEW
377
00:19:01,139 --> 00:19:02,349
YEAR'S EVE COVERAGE.
378
00:19:02,349 --> 00:19:04,643
PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO "A LATE
SHOW," ANDERSON COOPER AND ANDY
379
00:19:04,643 --> 00:19:06,812
COHEN!
380
00:19:06,812 --> 00:19:07,980
GENTLEMEN, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR
BEING HERE.
381
00:19:07,980 --> 00:19:10,524
>> HEY, STEPHEN COLBERT!
382
00:19:10,524 --> 00:19:14,278
>> Stephen: NOW, OBVIOUSLY,
WE'VE GOT TO TALK ABOUT THIS NEW
383
00:19:14,278 --> 00:19:17,614
YEAR'S EVE SPECIAL, HOW YOU
POSSIBLY USHER IN A NEW YEAR AND
384
00:19:17,614 --> 00:19:19,491
SAY GOOD-BYE TO A YEAR LIKE
THIS.
385
00:19:19,491 --> 00:19:22,661
BUT BEFORE WE DO, THERE'S
OBVIOUSLY BIG NEWS RIGHT NOW-- A
386
00:19:22,661 --> 00:19:26,331
SHIFT IN OUR COUNTRY'S
LEADERSHIP.
387
00:19:26,331 --> 00:19:33,297
BECAUSE LAST YEAR, LAST YEAR,
ANDY -- THERE YOU GO-- YOUR SON,
388
00:19:33,297 --> 00:19:39,136
BENJAMIN, WON "PEOPLE"
MAGAZINE'S "CUTEST BABY ALIVE,"
389
00:19:39,136 --> 00:19:39,845
OKAY.
390
00:19:39,845 --> 00:19:41,722
NO CONTROVERSY THERE, OBVIOUSLY.
391
00:19:41,722 --> 00:19:45,309
FAN FAVORITE.
392
00:19:45,309 --> 00:19:49,855
BUT THIS YEAR... WYATT COOPER
TAKES THE TOP PRIZE.
393
00:19:49,855 --> 00:19:52,399
NOW, WHAT I EED TO KNOW, NOT
ONLY FOR MYSELF BUT FOR THE
394
00:19:52,399 --> 00:19:54,860
AMERICAN PEOPLE, IS THAT WILL
THERE BE A PEACEFUL TRANSITION
395
00:19:54,860 --> 00:19:56,862
OF POWER?
396
00:19:56,862 --> 00:19:59,281
>> YOU KNOW WHAT?
397
00:19:59,281 --> 00:20:05,704
WE WERE OFFERED TO-- BEN, OF
COURSE, IS THE CUTEST BABY
398
00:20:05,704 --> 00:20:06,955
ALIVE.
399
00:20:06,955 --> 00:20:10,167
WE GOT THE OFFER FROM "PEOPLE"
MAGAZINE, AND I THOUGHT IT WOULD
400
00:20:10,167 --> 00:20:14,546
BE VERY SELFISH, ESPECIALLY IN A
YEAR OF TURMOIL FOR US, TO TAKE
401
00:20:14,546 --> 00:20:15,631
THAT AWARD.
402
00:20:15,631 --> 00:20:20,719
SO WE SAID, LET'S GIVE IT TO
WYATT COOPER THIS YEAR.
403
00:20:20,719 --> 00:20:24,556
BECAUSE HASN'T ANDERSON BEEN
THROUGH ENOUGH, QUITE FRANKLY?
404
00:20:24,556 --> 00:20:25,057
( LAUGHTER ).
405
00:20:25,057 --> 00:20:26,266
>> Stephen: SURE.
406
00:20:26,266 --> 00:20:30,270
>> YOU GAVE A HARD PASS TO BEING
THE CUTEST BABY ALIVE FOR TWO
407
00:20:30,270 --> 00:20:30,938
YEARS IN A ROW?
408
00:20:30,938 --> 00:20:34,149
>> HE GAVE A CHARITABLE PASS.
409
00:20:34,149 --> 00:20:37,361
>> Stephen: WOW, WOW.
410
00:20:37,361 --> 00:20:40,197
>> Stephen: F.D.R. DID.
411
00:20:40,197 --> 00:20:40,989
>> F.D.R. DID.
412
00:20:40,989 --> 00:20:43,575
>> HE WAS CUTEST FOUR YEARS IN A
ROW.
413
00:20:43,575 --> 00:20:48,330
>> I'VE BEEN TRYING TO CONVINCE
ANDY THAT I-- WYATT-- ACTUALLY,
414
00:20:48,330 --> 00:20:52,084
WYATT HELD A MEETING WITH ME THE
OTHER DAY, AND HE WANTS TO START
415
00:20:52,084 --> 00:20:54,294
A TIKTOK HOUSE, BUT JUST FOR
BABIES.
416
00:20:54,294 --> 00:20:55,545
AND, YOU KNOW, LIKE L.A. HAS THE
SWAY HOUSE.
417
00:20:55,545 --> 00:21:00,467
HE'S TALKING ABOUT-- HE WAS
CALLING IT THE POO HOUSE --
418
00:21:00,467 --> 00:21:01,426
>> Stephen: WYATT AND
BENJAMIN, THAT'S IT?
419
00:21:01,426 --> 00:21:03,428
>> NO, NO.
420
00:21:03,428 --> 00:21:04,596
THERE WOULD BE OTHERS.
421
00:21:04,596 --> 00:21:09,434
BEVERAGE MIN IS ALMOST AT THE
AGE THOUGH-- HE'S GETTING A
422
00:21:09,434 --> 00:21:10,602
LITTLE OLD.
423
00:21:10,602 --> 00:21:11,228
>> Stephen: SURE.
424
00:21:11,228 --> 00:21:12,437
HE COULD HAVE A LITTLE WORK.
425
00:21:12,437 --> 00:21:15,941
HE COULD HAVE A LITTLE WORK.
426
00:21:15,941 --> 00:21:19,444
A LITTLE TUCK, LIP INJECTION--
>> SO WYATT IS JUST, YOU KNOW,
427
00:21:19,444 --> 00:21:21,488
HE RUNS A TIGHT SHIP.
428
00:21:21,488 --> 00:21:27,995
>> Stephen: LET'S-- HERE'S--
HERE'S HAPPY DAD AND SON RIGHT
429
00:21:27,995 --> 00:21:28,412
THERE.
430
00:21:28,412 --> 00:21:28,662
LOOK AT THAT.
431
00:21:28,662 --> 00:21:29,621
>> OH!
432
00:21:29,621 --> 00:21:31,832
>> Stephen: LOVE THE MATCHING
OUTFITS.
433
00:21:31,832 --> 00:21:34,001
YOU GUYS CAN HIDE IN A FLORAL
SHOP WITH THOSE.
434
00:21:34,001 --> 00:21:37,462
NO ONE WILL EVER FIND YOU, AMONG
THE GARLANDS AT CHRISTMASTIME.
435
00:21:37,462 --> 00:21:40,799
NO ONE CAN FIND YOU NEAR THE
BANISTERS.
436
00:21:40,799 --> 00:21:42,634
HERE YOU GO.
437
00:21:42,634 --> 00:21:44,344
THERE'S ANDERSON AND WYATT RIGHT
THERE, NOT TO BE OUT-CUTED.
438
00:21:44,344 --> 00:21:49,433
AND AGAIN, I WANT TO WARN OUR
VIEWERS AT HOME HOW CUTE THIS
439
00:21:49,433 --> 00:21:50,517
IS.
440
00:21:50,517 --> 00:21:53,520
>> AROUND ALMOST LOOKS LIKE A
HUMAN BEING, DOESN'T HE?
441
00:21:53,520 --> 00:21:57,983
>> Stephen: COMPARED TO A
CHILD THAT HAS SEEN NO SUNLIGHT,
442
00:21:57,983 --> 00:21:59,234
HE APPEARS TO HAVE FLESH TONE.
443
00:21:59,234 --> 00:22:00,318
>> IT'S TRUE.
444
00:22:00,318 --> 00:22:05,115
>> Stephen: NOW, WAIT A SEC,
DO THE KIDS GET ALONG?
445
00:22:05,115 --> 00:22:09,161
IF THEY'RE GOING TO START THEIR
OWN HOUSE, THEIR OWN TIKTOK
446
00:22:09,161 --> 00:22:10,787
HOUSE, DO THEY HAVE PLAYMATES?
447
00:22:10,787 --> 00:22:12,164
ARE THEY ACTUALLY BUDDY.
448
00:22:12,164 --> 00:22:16,668
>> WE'RE NOW KILLING TIME
BETWEEN NAPS, LIKE MANY OTHER
449
00:22:16,668 --> 00:22:17,836
PARENTS.
450
00:22:17,836 --> 00:22:22,466
I GO OVER TO OORPD'S HOUSE EVERY
WEEKEND, AND WE HANG OUT.
451
00:22:22,466 --> 00:22:24,509
AND THE BOYS HAVE JUST KIND OF
GOTTEN TO THE POINT WHERE
452
00:22:24,509 --> 00:22:26,470
THEY'RE ACKNOWLEDGING EACH
OTHER.
453
00:22:26,470 --> 00:22:31,308
BEN HUGS WYATT AND GIVES HIM A
LITTLE KISS.
454
00:22:31,308 --> 00:22:34,144
WYATT REACHED FOR HIM THE OTHER
DAY.
455
00:22:34,144 --> 00:22:34,686
>> IT WAS A BIG MOMENT.
456
00:22:34,686 --> 00:22:35,937
>> Stephen: IT IS.
457
00:22:35,937 --> 00:22:39,274
ACKNOWLEDGING EACH OTHER, THAT'S
AN EXAMPLE FOR THE REST OF THE
458
00:22:39,274 --> 00:22:40,025
AMERICANS OUT THERE.
459
00:22:40,025 --> 00:22:41,026
WE SHOULD ACKNOWLEDGE EACH
OTHER.
460
00:22:41,026 --> 00:22:42,235
>> ISN'T IT?
461
00:22:42,235 --> 00:22:43,070
>> Stephen: IT IS.
462
00:22:43,070 --> 00:22:46,531
>> WE NEED TO LISTEN TO THE
CHILDREN.
463
00:22:46,531 --> 00:22:48,700
>> Stephen: I FEEL LIKE YOU
DON'T MEAN IT, ACTUALLY.
464
00:22:48,700 --> 00:22:52,829
>> WELL, I DIDN'T, BUT I DID.
465
00:22:52,829 --> 00:22:58,085
>> BENJAMIN HAS YET TO ACCEPT
HIS LOSS WHICH, YOU KNOW, RINGS
466
00:22:58,085 --> 00:22:59,211
FAMILIAR.
467
00:22:59,211 --> 00:22:59,961
>> Stephen: IT'S GOING TO GO
ALL THE WAY TO THE SUPREME
468
00:22:59,961 --> 00:23:01,088
COURT.
469
00:23:01,088 --> 00:23:03,673
>> YOU KNOW, BEN IS HANDING DOWN
A LOT OF HIS CLOTHES TO
470
00:23:03,673 --> 00:23:05,217
ANDERSON-- I MEAN TO WYATT.
471
00:23:05,217 --> 00:23:09,429
WYATT HAS A WHOLE STACK OF
BEN-ME-DOWNS, WE CALL THEM.
472
00:23:09,429 --> 00:23:13,475
AND I LIKED-- WHEN ANDERSON
SENDS ME A PICTURE OF BEN-- I
473
00:23:13,475 --> 00:23:18,855
MEAN, OF WYATT IN BEN'S OLD
CLOTHES, I LIKE TO PUT THEM SIDE
474
00:23:18,855 --> 00:23:22,734
BY SIDE AND DO A "WHO WORE IT
BETTER?"
475
00:23:22,734 --> 00:23:23,902
( LAUGHTER ).
476
00:23:23,902 --> 00:23:28,115
>> Stephen: HEY, "PEOPLE"
MAGAZINE, NEXT WEEK, I SEE IT, I
477
00:23:28,115 --> 00:23:28,949
SEE IT.
478
00:23:28,949 --> 00:23:31,243
>> IT'S LIT IN OUR TEXT CHAIN,
STEPHEN.
479
00:23:31,243 --> 00:23:32,327
>> Stephen: IS IT?
480
00:23:32,327 --> 00:23:34,579
I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS,
BUT I TRUST THAT THAT IS
481
00:23:34,579 --> 00:23:36,248
SOMETHING WORTH SAYING.
482
00:23:36,248 --> 00:23:38,083
"IT IS LIT IN OUR TEXTING."
483
00:23:38,083 --> 00:23:41,086
>> YOU HAVE SOME SILVER GOING
ON.
484
00:23:41,086 --> 00:23:43,421
>> Stephen: OH, THIS IS.
485
00:23:43,421 --> 00:23:46,758
YES, YES, IT'S BEEN A TOUGH
YEAR, MY MAN.
486
00:23:46,758 --> 00:23:49,761
>> I'VE ASKED YOU THIS BEFORE.
487
00:23:49,761 --> 00:23:51,638
DO YOU DYE YOUR HAIR, COLBERT?
488
00:23:51,638 --> 00:23:54,808
>> Stephen: NO, I DO NOT DYE
MY HAIR.
489
00:23:54,808 --> 00:23:55,934
>> THAT'S WHAT YOU SAY.
490
00:23:55,934 --> 00:24:00,105
>> Stephen: NOR DO I CUT IT--
NOR DO I CUT IT ANYMORE.
491
00:24:00,105 --> 00:24:02,482
LOOK AT THE SHAGGY D.A.
492
00:24:02,482 --> 00:24:07,279
>> PLEASE, CAN WE HAVE AN
INTERVENTION ON THIS?
493
00:24:07,279 --> 00:24:08,613
ANDERSON IS MORE UPSET ABOUT MY
HAIR.
494
00:24:08,613 --> 00:24:12,450
>> HE'S LIKE A ROADY FOR THE
GRATEFUL DEAD WITH THE HAIR.
495
00:24:12,450 --> 00:24:13,994
>> Stephen: YOU HOLD HIS ARMS.
496
00:24:13,994 --> 00:24:16,955
I'LL GET THE BRONZE MAN-SCAPER.
497
00:24:16,955 --> 00:24:20,250
>> IT SOUNDS LIKE A FRIDAY
NIGHT.
498
00:24:20,250 --> 00:24:21,501
THAT SOUNDS LOOK A FRIDAY.
499
00:24:21,501 --> 00:24:23,170
LET'S DO IT.
500
00:24:23,170 --> 00:24:26,631
>> Stephen: HEY, WE'LL
BROADCAST IT.
501
00:24:26,631 --> 00:24:27,632
WE'LL BROADCAST IT.
502
00:24:27,632 --> 00:24:28,925
SUPER BOWL RATINGS, BABY.
503
00:24:28,925 --> 00:24:31,011
SUPER BOWL RATINGS.
504
00:24:31,011 --> 00:24:33,096
ANDERSON--
>> PUT IT ON INSTAGRAM LIVE.
505
00:24:33,096 --> 00:24:35,473
>> Stephen: ANDERSON, YOU GREW
UP IN NEW YORK CITY.
506
00:24:35,473 --> 00:24:36,808
NOW YOU'RE RAISING A BOY IN NEW
YORK CITY.
507
00:24:36,808 --> 00:24:40,145
ARE YOU GOING TO TAKE HIM TO ANY
OF YOUR OLD HAUNTS AND SAY,
508
00:24:40,145 --> 00:24:45,317
"HEY, THIS IS THE CARROUSEL."
509
00:24:45,317 --> 00:24:46,193
WHERE DO.
510
00:24:46,193 --> 00:24:49,237
>> WHERE DO THE BUTLERS TAKE
YOU, ANDERSON?
511
00:24:49,237 --> 00:24:51,448
WHERE DO THE BUT LERS TAKE YOU?
512
00:24:51,448 --> 00:24:52,490
>> Stephen: THE VALET.
513
00:24:52,490 --> 00:24:57,120
>> I HAD A NANNY AND SHE TOOK ME
TO LOT OF PLACES.
514
00:24:57,120 --> 00:24:59,664
MOST OF THE PLACES MY MOM TOOK
ME, I'M NOT SURE I WOULD BRING
515
00:24:59,664 --> 00:25:01,541
MY SON.
516
00:25:01,541 --> 00:25:04,669
MY MOM TOOK ME TO STUDIO 54 WHEN
I WAS 11.
517
00:25:04,669 --> 00:25:06,671
I KNOW IT'S GONE, BUT I DON'T
THINK --
518
00:25:06,671 --> 00:25:11,676
>> Stephen: HOW ELSE IS YOUR
SON GOING TO MEET MARGARET
519
00:25:11,676 --> 00:25:12,427
TRUDEAU.
520
00:25:12,427 --> 00:25:15,722
>> THE SECOND TIME WAS GRACE
JONES.
521
00:25:15,722 --> 00:25:16,681
SO--
>> OH, PERFECT.
522
00:25:16,681 --> 00:25:17,349
>> Stephen: OH, WOW.
523
00:25:17,349 --> 00:25:20,185
>> SO, YEAH, SO I DON'T KNOW.
524
00:25:20,185 --> 00:25:24,606
I THINK I -- YOU KNOW, I DON'T
NEED TO FOLLOW THAT PATTERN.
525
00:25:24,606 --> 00:25:26,149
>> Stephen: LET'S GET TO THE
IMPORTANT STORY HERE.
526
00:25:26,149 --> 00:25:34,824
THE TWO OF YOU ARE RETURNING, BY
DEMAND, TO HOST CNN'S NEW
527
00:25:34,824 --> 00:25:36,159
YEAR'S-- LIVE NEW YEAR'S EVE
BROADCAST.
528
00:25:36,159 --> 00:25:39,537
SO HOW DO YOU SEND OFF A YEAR
LIKE 2020?
529
00:25:39,537 --> 00:25:44,376
DO YOU JUST, LIKE--
>> ...VERY DRUNK.
530
00:25:44,376 --> 00:25:45,543
>> Stephen: OKAY.
531
00:25:45,543 --> 00:25:49,589
THEN I HAVE A CLIP I WANT TO
SHOW, BECAUSE I-- I THINK--
532
00:25:49,589 --> 00:25:50,715
>> IT'S NOT HARD, IS IT?
533
00:25:50,715 --> 00:25:54,302
>> Stephen: I THINK I MAY HAVE
MENTIONED THIS TO ANDERSON
534
00:25:54,302 --> 00:25:55,553
COOPER BEFORE.
535
00:25:55,553 --> 00:25:58,014
I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY ANYONE
DOES SHOTS.
536
00:25:58,014 --> 00:25:59,724
I DON'T UNDERSTAND THE VALUE OR
THE JOY ASSOCIATED WITH SHOTS.
537
00:25:59,724 --> 00:26:05,063
AND WE HAVE A CLIP HERE OF ANDY
MAKING ANDERSON DO SHOTS LAST--
538
00:26:05,063 --> 00:26:06,731
WAS THIS JUST LAST YEAR?
539
00:26:06,731 --> 00:26:08,942
>> YEAH, THIS IS LAST YEAR, I
THINK.
540
00:26:08,942 --> 00:26:09,818
>> Stephen: HIT IT.
541
00:26:09,818 --> 00:26:13,071
>> I BROUGHT THE SHOT GLASSES
FROM HOME.
542
00:26:13,071 --> 00:26:13,446
CHEERS, BUDDY.
543
00:26:13,446 --> 00:26:17,075
>> OKAY.
544
00:26:17,075 --> 00:26:20,662
♪ ♪ ♪
>> OH!
545
00:26:20,662 --> 00:26:23,748
>> WHAT IS NEW YEAR'S EVE
WITHOUT A LEGEND JOINING US.
546
00:26:23,748 --> 00:26:27,752
LET'S GO LIVE TO-- ONE HOUR TO
GO UNTIL 2020.
547
00:26:27,752 --> 00:26:28,920
OH, MY GOD.
548
00:26:28,920 --> 00:26:32,090
JUST ENOUGH TIME TO BRING OUT
ALL THE SPECIAL GUESTS WE HAVE
549
00:26:32,090 --> 00:26:36,219
BEFORE THE BALL DROPS.
550
00:26:36,219 --> 00:26:38,388
KEITH URBAN AND NICOLE KIDMAN
ARE JOINING US.
551
00:26:38,388 --> 00:26:40,223
>> Stephen: HAVE YOU RECOVERED
YET?
552
00:26:40,223 --> 00:26:41,391
ARE YOU RECOVERED YET, ANDERSON?
553
00:26:41,391 --> 00:26:46,938
>> HONESTLY, JUST EVEN YOU
PLAYING THAT, I-- I HAVE A GROSS
554
00:26:46,938 --> 00:26:48,148
YEAGER MEISTER FEELING IN MY
THROAT.
555
00:26:48,148 --> 00:26:53,111
>> THE IRONY IS I'VE BECOME THE
STRAIGHT GUY AND HAVE TO DRIVE
556
00:26:53,111 --> 00:26:57,282
THE BUS BECAUSE THIS ONE IS DOWN
FOR THE COUNT.
557
00:26:57,282 --> 00:26:58,658
HE'S-- HE'S SUCH A LIGHT WEIGHT.
558
00:26:58,658 --> 00:27:02,829
IF NEWS BREAKS WHEN WE'RE ON THE
AIR, I'M GOING TO BE THE GUY
559
00:27:02,829 --> 00:27:06,082
THAT'S HANDLING IT.
560
00:27:06,082 --> 00:27:07,792
>> Stephen: REALLY!
561
00:27:07,792 --> 00:27:08,960
REALLY!
562
00:27:08,960 --> 00:27:09,294
>> YEAH.
563
00:27:09,294 --> 00:27:10,295
>> YEAH.
564
00:27:10,295 --> 00:27:11,755
>> REALLY, BECAUSE --
>> Stephen: I REALLY WANT TO
565
00:27:11,755 --> 00:27:18,803
HEAR ABOUT YOU TALKING ABOUT
TRANQS ROLLING INTO KURG STAN.
566
00:27:18,803 --> 00:27:19,471
THAT'S WHAT I WANT TO HEAR.
567
00:27:19,471 --> 00:27:22,307
>> I WANT YOU TO HEAR IT, TOO.
568
00:27:22,307 --> 00:27:27,812
>> Stephen: "THE REAL
HOUSEWIVES OF AZERBAIJAN"
569
00:27:27,812 --> 00:27:29,814
WHAT WERE YOU SHOOTING BY THE
WAY?
570
00:27:29,814 --> 00:27:31,441
WHAT WAS THAT?
571
00:27:31,441 --> 00:27:31,983
WAS IT JUST VODKA?
572
00:27:31,983 --> 00:27:32,776
WERE YOU TAKING IT EASY.
573
00:27:32,776 --> 00:27:33,693
>> TEQUILA.
574
00:27:33,693 --> 00:27:38,281
>> AT THE END I THINK WE DID
YEAGERMEISTER.
575
00:27:38,281 --> 00:27:41,159
>> I MADE HIM DO A YEAGERMEISTER
SHOT AT MIDNIGHT.
576
00:27:41,159 --> 00:27:43,370
>> Stephen: THAT IS A TERRIBLE
WAY TO END ANY EVENING.
577
00:27:43,370 --> 00:27:44,662
>> I KNOW.
578
00:27:44,662 --> 00:27:49,709
>> THAT'S WHAT WE LIKE ABOUT
THIS NEW YEAR'S SHOW.
579
00:27:49,709 --> 00:27:51,002
IT'S LIKE EVERYBODY'S NEW YEAR'S
EVE.
580
00:27:51,002 --> 00:27:52,462
YOU THINK IT'S GOING TO BE ONE
THING.
581
00:27:52,462 --> 00:27:53,671
IT ENDS UP GOING OFF THE RAILS.
582
00:27:53,671 --> 00:27:57,842
YOU SORT OF HAVE A GOOD TIME,
BUT SOMETIMES IT'S JUST MESSY
583
00:27:57,842 --> 00:27:59,135
AND SLOPPY.
584
00:27:59,135 --> 00:28:00,887
AND--
>> VERY AUTHENTIC.
585
00:28:00,887 --> 00:28:05,141
IT'S AN AUTHENTIC EXPERIENCE,
UNLIKE A LOT OF THE KIND OF
586
00:28:05,141 --> 00:28:09,729
PRETAPED B.S. THAT'S HAPPENING
ON OTHER NETWORKS.
587
00:28:09,729 --> 00:28:11,231
>> Stephen: WOW.
588
00:28:11,231 --> 00:28:15,318
( SNAPPING FINGERS )
OW!
589
00:28:15,318 --> 00:28:15,693
OW!
590
00:28:15,693 --> 00:28:16,986
HEY!
591
00:28:16,986 --> 00:28:23,827
I NEED A-- ANDY, YOU HAVE--
YOU'RE FAMOUS FOR MODERATING
592
00:28:23,827 --> 00:28:25,745
WHAT CAN BE CONTENTIOUS GROUPS
OF PEOPLE.
593
00:28:25,745 --> 00:28:30,166
ALL THERE FOR THE SAME PURPOSE,
WHICH IS TO JUST SCRATCH EACH
594
00:28:30,166 --> 00:28:31,709
OTHER'S EYES OUT.
595
00:28:31,709 --> 00:28:35,922
BUT YOU MANAGE TO KEEP EVERYBODY
IN LINE.
596
00:28:35,922 --> 00:28:37,590
>> YES.
597
00:28:37,590 --> 00:28:41,052
>> Stephen: ANDERSON, ANDY,
WHICH IS HARDER, MODERATING A
598
00:28:41,052 --> 00:28:44,848
CNN POLITICAL PANEL, OR THE
"REAL HOUSEWIVES OF?"
599
00:28:44,848 --> 00:28:51,396
I WOULD LOVE TO SEE DAVID GERGEN
THROW A GLASS OF CHARDONNAY IN
600
00:28:51,396 --> 00:28:53,189
RICK SANTORUM'S FACE.
601
00:28:53,189 --> 00:28:58,611
>> RICK SANTORUM LOVES HER
CHARDONNAY, DOESN'T SHE?
602
00:28:58,611 --> 00:28:59,863
>> Stephen: AND THE CLAWS COME
OUT!
603
00:28:59,863 --> 00:29:00,613
>> YES, THEY DO.
604
00:29:00,613 --> 00:29:06,411
>> THAT GLORIA BORGER IS SO
CATTY!
605
00:29:06,411 --> 00:29:09,914
BUT WHAT WAS SHE WEARING?
606
00:29:09,914 --> 00:29:15,753
( LAUGHTER )
WHY DID GLORIA BORGER WEAR THAT
607
00:29:15,753 --> 00:29:21,426
BALL GOWN THAT WAS IN LISA'S
REJECT PILE IN 2011?
608
00:29:21,426 --> 00:29:24,596
>> Stephen: THAT'S THE
QUESTION YOU'VE GOT TO ASK THIS
609
00:29:24,596 --> 00:29:28,475
YEAR, ANDY-- ANDERSON.
610
00:29:28,475 --> 00:29:29,058
ANDERSON.
611
00:29:29,058 --> 00:29:30,143
ANDERSON HAS TO ASK IT.
612
00:29:30,143 --> 00:29:33,897
WOULD YOU EVER WANT TO TRADE
JOBS FOR A DAY TO DO EACH
613
00:29:33,897 --> 00:29:34,772
OTHER'S GIG?
614
00:29:34,772 --> 00:29:37,108
>> I COULD NOT--
>> YEAH, I WOULD LIKE--
615
00:29:37,108 --> 00:29:40,403
>> I COULD NOT DO WHAT ANDY
DOES.
616
00:29:40,403 --> 00:29:43,156
>> I WOULD LIKE A DAY OFF TO
DEAL WITH HIS PANEL.
617
00:29:43,156 --> 00:29:45,825
I WOULD LOVE IT.
618
00:29:45,825 --> 00:29:47,285
CAKEWALK!
619
00:29:47,285 --> 00:29:48,453
YEAH.
620
00:29:48,453 --> 00:29:51,789
>> Stephen: WELL, LISTEN,
GUYS, I THINK WE'VE COVERED ALL
621
00:29:51,789 --> 00:29:52,165
THE SUBJECTS.
622
00:29:52,165 --> 00:29:53,291
I THINK SO.
623
00:29:53,291 --> 00:29:56,753
ARE YOU GOING TO WATCH --
>> Stephen: I WAS GOING TO
624
00:29:56,753 --> 00:29:58,296
TALK ABOUT THE ELECTORAL
COLLEGE, BUT I THINK ALL OF THIS
625
00:29:58,296 --> 00:30:00,507
IS JUST AS IMPORTANT AT THIS
POINT.
626
00:30:00,507 --> 00:30:02,926
>> WHERE ARE YOU ANYTHING TO BE
ON NEW YEAR'S EVE.
627
00:30:02,926 --> 00:30:05,595
>> Stephen: I'M GOING TO BE
OUT ON THE OPEN ROAD FIGHTING
628
00:30:05,595 --> 00:30:06,221
CRIME.
629
00:30:06,221 --> 00:30:10,642
( LAUGHTER )
YOU KNOW?
630
00:30:10,642 --> 00:30:12,477
YOU SHOULD CALL IN.
631
00:30:12,477 --> 00:30:13,269
>> YOU SHOULD.
632
00:30:13,269 --> 00:30:15,188
>> Stephen: CAN I CALL IN,
REALLY?
633
00:30:15,188 --> 00:30:16,314
>> WE WOULD LOVE YOU TO CALL IN.
634
00:30:16,314 --> 00:30:19,651
>> Stephen: WHEN WE'RE OFF
AIR, GIVE SOMEONE THE PROPER
635
00:30:19,651 --> 00:30:21,486
NUMBER TO CALL AND I WILL
ATTEMPT TO CALL IN.
636
00:30:21,486 --> 00:30:24,656
I WILL DO A SHOT WITH YOU AT THE
SAME TIME.
637
00:30:24,656 --> 00:30:25,698
>> LOVE IT!
638
00:30:25,698 --> 00:30:26,491
>> Stephen: I'LL FACETIME.
639
00:30:26,491 --> 00:30:27,784
WOULD THAT BE FUN?
640
00:30:27,784 --> 00:30:29,035
>> YAY!
641
00:30:29,035 --> 00:30:32,539
>> BY THE WAY, I JUST TAUGHT MY
SON TO CLAP SO I DO THIS ALL DAY
642
00:30:32,539 --> 00:30:33,164
LONG NOW.
643
00:30:33,164 --> 00:30:33,957
PLEASE STOP ME.
644
00:30:33,957 --> 00:30:35,333
I CAN'T STOP.
645
00:30:35,333 --> 00:30:36,960
>> ANDERSON ALSO LEARNED TO
CLAP.
646
00:30:36,960 --> 00:30:42,632
ANDERSON IS LEARNING ABOUT BEING
A HUMAN BEING.
647
00:30:42,632 --> 00:30:47,845
>> BY THE WAY, DO YOU KNOW THE
WHEELS ON THE BUS GO 'ROUND AND
648
00:30:47,845 --> 00:30:49,013
'ROUND.
649
00:30:49,013 --> 00:30:53,393
>> Stephen: IF THEY GO 'ROUND
AND 'ROUND, THAT BUS IS IN BIG
650
00:30:53,393 --> 00:30:55,687
TROUBLE.
651
00:30:55,687 --> 00:30:57,021
YOU CAN RING IN THE NEW YEAR
WITH ANDERSON AND ANDY BY
652
00:30:57,021 --> 00:30:59,357
WATCHING THEM CO-HOST CNN'S
LIVE NEW YEAR'S EVE COVERAGE.
653
00:30:59,357 --> 00:31:01,442
ANDERSON COOPER AND ANDY COHEN,
EVERYBODY!
654
00:31:01,442 --> 00:31:01,985
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH WHOOPI
GOLDBERG.
655
00:31:01,985 --> 00:31:02,569
THANK YOU, GENTLEMEN.
656
00:31:16,207 --> 00:31:17,166
>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK,
EVERYBODY.
657
00:31:17,166 --> 00:31:18,209
7
SHE IS AN EGOT WINNER YOU KNOW
658
00:31:18,209 --> 00:31:21,504
AS THE MODERATOR OF "THE VIEW."
659
00:31:21,504 --> 00:31:25,383
SHE NOW STARS IN "THE STAND" ON
CBS ALL ACCESS.
660
00:31:25,383 --> 00:31:29,554
PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO "A LATE
SHOW," WHOOPI GOLDBERG!
661
00:31:29,554 --> 00:31:30,054
HELLO, WHOOPI.
662
00:31:30,054 --> 00:31:31,889
>> HELLO, STEPHEN.
663
00:31:31,889 --> 00:31:32,640
HOW ARE YOU.
664
00:31:32,640 --> 00:31:34,225
>> Stephen: ALWAYS GOOD TO SEE
YOU.
665
00:31:34,225 --> 00:31:34,767
I'M FEELING GOOD.
666
00:31:34,767 --> 00:31:35,560
>> YOU'RE LOOKING GOOD.
667
00:31:35,560 --> 00:31:37,562
>> Stephen: OH, THANK YOU VERY
MUCH.
668
00:31:37,562 --> 00:31:38,104
SO DO YOU.
669
00:31:38,104 --> 00:31:41,733
YOU LOOK REALLY GOOD.
670
00:31:41,733 --> 00:31:47,071
>> I DON'T HAVE TO GO OUTSIDE.
671
00:31:47,071 --> 00:31:50,908
... FROM OUR STOMACHS DOWN.
672
00:31:50,908 --> 00:31:53,411
>> Stephen: THAT'S VERY RIGHT.
673
00:31:53,411 --> 00:31:55,455
I'M VERY RELAXED DOWN THERE.
674
00:31:55,455 --> 00:31:56,623
I'M ALL PROFESSIONAL UP HERE.
675
00:31:56,623 --> 00:31:59,292
YOU'RE ALWAYS VERY GENEROUS WHEN
YOU COME ON THE SHOW.
676
00:31:59,292 --> 00:32:02,253
YOU'VE FREQUENTLY BROUGHT ME
GIFTS AND THAT HAPPENED AGAIN
677
00:32:02,253 --> 00:32:03,046
THIS YEAR.
678
00:32:03,046 --> 00:32:04,589
LET ME PUT THIS WHOLE THING ON.
679
00:32:04,589 --> 00:32:08,134
I HOPE YOU CAN STILL HEAR ME
ONCE I PUT THIS-- THAT IS.
680
00:32:08,134 --> 00:32:10,094
I'M KEEPING THIS MASK.
681
00:32:10,094 --> 00:32:19,437
I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF I'M
SUPPOSED TO KEEP IT.
682
00:32:19,437 --> 00:32:21,272
>> GOOD-LOOKING STUFF.
683
00:32:21,272 --> 00:32:24,067
LISTEN, WE THOUGHT ABOUT DOING
THE UGLY SWEATERS THIS YEAR, AND
684
00:32:24,067 --> 00:32:28,112
WE REALIZED PEOPLE ARE PROBABLY
NOT GOING TO BE GOING ANYWHERE.
685
00:32:28,112 --> 00:32:32,075
>> Stephen: WHO IS "WE?"
IS THIS YOURS?
686
00:32:32,075 --> 00:32:33,284
DO YOU SELL THIS STUFF?
687
00:32:33,284 --> 00:32:40,083
>> YEAH, I MEAN, YOU KNOW, YOU
CAN GO TO NORDSTROM'S AND BUY
688
00:32:40,083 --> 00:32:41,334
IT.
689
00:32:41,334 --> 00:32:46,756
AND IT'S, YOU KNOW, IN LIGHT OF
GETTING THE SWEATERS, I FIGURED
690
00:32:46,756 --> 00:32:48,174
SCARVES AND MASKS WOULD WORK OUT
FOR ME.
691
00:32:48,174 --> 00:32:53,262
AND SO WE HAVE ALL KIND OF
DIFFERENT ONES.
692
00:32:53,262 --> 00:32:55,515
ONE SCARF IS BEHIND ME.
693
00:32:55,515 --> 00:33:02,271
SOME SAY FELIZ NAVIDAD, MERRY
CHRISTMAS, ICE SKATING REINDEER
694
00:33:02,271 --> 00:33:02,939
UP HERE.
695
00:33:02,939 --> 00:33:07,485
JUST HAVING A LITTLE FUN, MAN.
696
00:33:07,485 --> 00:33:14,701
>> Stephen: SEND ME TO THE
WHOOPI WING OF NORD DROM AND
697
00:33:14,701 --> 00:33:16,828
THEY'LL TAKE ME TO THE RIGHT
PLACE?
698
00:33:16,828 --> 00:33:21,082
THERE'S ALSO BIG NEWS GOING ON
RIGHT NOW IN THE WORLD OF WHOOPI
699
00:33:21,082 --> 00:33:22,083
GOLDBERG.
700
00:33:22,083 --> 00:33:24,293
IT HAS OFFICIALLY BEEN
ANNOUNCED, DISNEY HAS SAID
701
00:33:24,293 --> 00:33:29,132
"SISTER ACT 3" IS HAPPENING,
STARRING NONE OTHER THAN WHOOPI
702
00:33:29,132 --> 00:33:30,341
GOLDBERG.
703
00:33:30,341 --> 00:33:32,301
HOW IT WOULD GO FORWARD WITHOUT
WHOOPI GOLDBERG, I DON'T KNOW.
704
00:33:32,301 --> 00:33:34,220
NOW IT OFFICIALLY HAS WHOOPI
GOLDBERG.
705
00:33:34,220 --> 00:33:38,015
HAVE YOU STARTED-- HAVE YOU
STARTED TRYING TO GET BACK INTO
706
00:33:38,015 --> 00:33:38,808
CHARACTER FROM 27 YEARS AGO.
707
00:33:38,808 --> 00:33:41,352
THAT'S A LONG TIME BETWEEN
SEQUELS.
708
00:33:41,352 --> 00:33:44,230
>> THIS IS PRETTY MUCH-- LISTEN,
DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY SEQUELS
709
00:33:44,230 --> 00:33:45,356
HAVE BEEN DONE?
710
00:33:45,356 --> 00:33:48,151
PEOPLE ARE, LIKE, IN THEIR
90s, AND THEY'RE DOING SEQUELS
711
00:33:48,151 --> 00:33:52,071
TO SOMETHING THAT THEY DID 50
YEARS AGO.
712
00:33:52,071 --> 00:33:55,199
>> Stephen: HARRISON FORD IS
DOING ANOTHER "INDIANA JONES."
713
00:33:55,199 --> 00:33:59,036
>> OKAY, SO I LOOK YOUNG NOW.
714
00:33:59,036 --> 00:34:00,288
I LOOK REAL YOUNG.
715
00:34:00,288 --> 00:34:04,041
AND I THOUGHT IF EVERYBODY ELSE
IS DOING IT-- YOU KNOW, JOHNNY
716
00:34:04,041 --> 00:34:11,883
DEPP HAS DONE 500 OF THE
"PIRATES WILL OF THE CARIBBEAN."
717
00:34:11,883 --> 00:34:17,346
THAT MIGHT NOT HAVE BEEN THE
GREATEST THING I COULD BRING UP.
718
00:34:17,346 --> 00:34:18,514
BUT SO...
719
00:34:18,514 --> 00:34:22,602
THE POINT IS, YOU KNOW, EVERYONE
SEEMS TO BE ABLE TO DO IT.
720
00:34:22,602 --> 00:34:26,606
AND I THOUGHT THOSE NUNS DESERVE
TO HAVE ANOTHER GO-ROUND.
721
00:34:26,606 --> 00:34:30,026
>> Stephen: THEY DO.
722
00:34:30,026 --> 00:34:36,199
AGAIN, 27 YEARS AGO, "SISTER ACT
2,: BACK IN THE HABIT."
723
00:34:36,199 --> 00:34:37,241
THAT WAS THE SUBTITLE.
724
00:34:37,241 --> 00:34:38,576
ANY IDEAS FOR A SUBTITLE FOR
"SISTER ACT 3?"
725
00:34:38,576 --> 00:34:45,416
>> OH, MY GOD, IT STILL FITS.
726
00:34:45,416 --> 00:34:46,375
>> BLACK IN THE HABIT.
727
00:34:46,375 --> 00:34:49,253
>> Stephen: "BLACK IN THE
HABIT," I LIKE THAT.
728
00:34:49,253 --> 00:34:55,551
WE HAVE TO TAKE A QUICK BREAK,
BUT WHEN WHOOPI COMES BACK, I
729
00:34:55,551 --> 00:34:55,843
WILL ASK HER ABOUT HER NEW
PROJECT, STEPHEN KING'S "THE
730
00:34:55,843 --> 00:34:56,052
STAND."
731
00:35:32,255 --> 00:35:34,966
WE'RE BACK HERE WITH WHOOPI
GOLDBERG.
732
00:35:34,966 --> 00:35:37,260
I WANT TO TALK ABOUT YOUR NEW
SERIES ON CBS ALL ACCESS, AND
733
00:35:37,260 --> 00:35:40,972
NOT JUST BECAUSE I'M A COMPANY
MAN-- THOUGH I AM.
734
00:35:40,972 --> 00:35:45,601
I AM VERY EXCITED ABOUT "THE
STAND."
735
00:35:45,601 --> 00:35:50,106
THIS IS GOING TO BE MY JAM OVER
THE CHRISTMAS BREAK.
736
00:35:50,106 --> 00:35:52,984
IT'S BASED ON STEPHEN KING.
737
00:35:52,984 --> 00:35:56,195
HE'S ACTUALLY WRITING THE FINAL
EPISODE HIMSELF.
738
00:35:56,195 --> 00:36:01,158
AND YOU WANTED TO BE IN THIS
SINCE THE FIRST ADAPTATION SINCE
739
00:36:01,158 --> 00:36:01,951
1994.
740
00:36:01,951 --> 00:36:03,828
WHAT DO YOU LOVE ABOUT THIS
STORY?
741
00:36:03,828 --> 00:36:06,372
>> WELL, YOU KNOW, IN A LOT OF
KING'S WORK, YOU DON'T FIND A
742
00:36:06,372 --> 00:36:07,540
LOT OF PEOPLE OF COLOR.
743
00:36:07,540 --> 00:36:13,296
AND SO, IN READING "THE STAND,"
WITHIN ONE OF THE PIVOTAL
744
00:36:13,296 --> 00:36:18,843
FIGURES IS MOTHER ABIGAIL, AND
SHE'S 108, AND I ALWAYS THOUGHT
745
00:36:18,843 --> 00:36:19,343
WELL, YEAH.
746
00:36:19,343 --> 00:36:20,386
WHY NOT-- WHY NOT ME?
747
00:36:20,386 --> 00:36:24,849
AND THEN I COULDN'T DO IT, YOU
KNOW.
748
00:36:24,849 --> 00:36:26,684
AND I THOUGHT WELL, YOU KNOW,
IT'S BEEN DONE.
749
00:36:26,684 --> 00:36:29,645
IT WAS DONE BRILLIANTLY, AND
IT'S NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN
750
00:36:29,645 --> 00:36:30,187
AGAIN.
751
00:36:30,187 --> 00:36:31,355
AND I FORGOT ABOUT IT.
752
00:36:31,355 --> 00:36:36,986
ASK THEN I GOT A CALL FROM A
FRIEND OF MINE, JOSH BOONS, AND
753
00:36:36,986 --> 00:36:40,364
HE SAID, "I'M DOING 'THE
STAND'."
754
00:36:40,364 --> 00:36:44,243
AND I SAID, "DO YOU THINK MAYBE
I COULD COME AUDITION?"
755
00:36:44,243 --> 00:36:50,541
AND HE SAID, "NO, I'M ASKING YOU
TO BE IN IT, IT'S A DONE DEAL."
756
00:36:50,541 --> 00:36:55,546
RUBY DEE, WHO DID THE ORIGINAL
MOTHER ABIGAIL WAS THE SAME AGE
757
00:36:55,546 --> 00:36:58,507
I AM NOW WHEN SHE DID MOTHER
ABIGAIL, WHICH IS FANTASTIC.
758
00:36:58,507 --> 00:37:04,889
OF COURSE, IT'S 20, 30, 40 YEARS
SINCE THE BOOK WAS WRITTEN.
759
00:37:04,889 --> 00:37:09,393
AND QUITE A BIT OF TIME SINCE
THEY DID THE ORIGINAL
760
00:37:09,393 --> 00:37:10,561
MINI-SERIES.
761
00:37:10,561 --> 00:37:13,397
SO, YOU KNOW, WE HAVE TO BRING
HER IN, TOO-- AND BRING ALL OF
762
00:37:13,397 --> 00:37:19,862
THESE CHARACTERS-- INTO 2020
MINDSET.
763
00:37:19,862 --> 00:37:22,907
AND THEN OF COURSE, THERE IS
THAT THING THAT HAPPENED.
764
00:37:22,907 --> 00:37:26,911
>> Stephen: WE HAVE-- WE HAVE
A CLIP HERE OF MOTHER ABIGAIL
765
00:37:26,911 --> 00:37:28,329
BEFORE WE GO TO HER, WHO IS SHE?
766
00:37:28,329 --> 00:37:34,251
>> SHE IS THE OTHER SIDE OF
DARK, YOU KNOW.
767
00:37:34,251 --> 00:37:35,711
SHE'S THE LIGHT.
768
00:37:35,711 --> 00:37:41,175
AND SHE'S BEEN GIVEN THIS THING
TO FIND ALL THESE PEOPLE AND
769
00:37:41,175 --> 00:37:45,471
WALK INTO THEIR DREAMS AND SAY,
"COME AND FIND ME.
770
00:37:45,471 --> 00:37:46,681
THIS IS WHERE I AM."
771
00:37:46,681 --> 00:37:51,769
SO ALL OF THESE PEOPLE FROM
AROUND THE COUNTRY START HEADING
772
00:37:51,769 --> 00:37:56,190
TOWARDS HER, WHERE SHE SAID SHE
IS, TO FIND OUT WHY THEY WERE
773
00:37:56,190 --> 00:37:57,900
CHOSEN, WHY SHE'S COMING INTO
THEIR DREAMS.
774
00:37:57,900 --> 00:37:59,986
SO THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE SEEING, I
THINK.
775
00:37:59,986 --> 00:38:09,120
AND IT'S JESS YOUNG AND I, I
THINK, IN THE SCENE.
776
00:38:09,120 --> 00:38:09,662
>> Stephen: JIM.
777
00:38:09,662 --> 00:38:21,424
>>
>> HELLO, FRANNIE.
778
00:38:29,765 --> 00:38:35,563
MY NAME IS ABIGAIL FREEMANTEL.
779
00:38:35,563 --> 00:38:40,317
YOU COME SEE ME AT HEMMING FOOT
HOME, COLORADO.
780
00:38:40,317 --> 00:38:42,653
CAN YOU REMEMBER THAT FOR ME?
781
00:38:42,653 --> 00:38:44,321
>> Stephen: I'M HOOKED.
782
00:38:44,321 --> 00:38:46,198
I'M IN.
783
00:38:46,198 --> 00:38:50,244
>> IT'S REALLY-- I MEAN, I HAVE
TO SAY, YOU KNOW, THERE'S
784
00:38:50,244 --> 00:38:51,287
SOMETHING ABOUT THIS STORY.
785
00:38:51,287 --> 00:38:55,624
AND THEN, OF COURSE, ALL THAT'S
GOING ON WITH US.
786
00:38:55,624 --> 00:39:02,465
HOPEFULLY, WE DON'T DISCOVER YOU
KNOW IN A COUPLE OF WEEKS IT'S A
787
00:39:02,465 --> 00:39:05,843
FIGHT BETWEEN GOOD AND EVIL AND
GOD AND THE DEVIL AND ALL THAT
788
00:39:05,843 --> 00:39:07,053
KIND OF STUFF.
789
00:39:07,053 --> 00:39:09,472
BUT THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT IT
THAT KIND OF JUST FEELS LIKE YOU
790
00:39:09,472 --> 00:39:13,517
MIGHT BE DRAWN TO IT, THAT
PEOPLE MIGHT BE DRAWN TO IT.
791
00:39:13,517 --> 00:39:17,313
SO I'M EXCITED.
792
00:39:17,313 --> 00:39:18,522
>> Stephen:
>> Stephen: "THE STAND"
793
00:39:18,522 --> 00:39:20,524
PREMIERES THIS THURSDAY ON CBS
ALL ACCESS, AND YOU CAN FIND HER
794
00:39:20,524 --> 00:39:23,152
CHRISTMAS COLLECTION IN
NORDSTROM NOW.
795
00:39:23,152 --> 00:39:23,819
WHOOPI GOLDBERG, EVERYBODY!
796
00:39:23,819 --> 00:39:25,488
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
797
00:39:25,488 --> 00:39:26,822
THANKS, WHOOPI.
798
00:39:26,822 --> 00:39:27,531
♪ ♪ ♪
799
00:39:35,498 --> 00:39:36,707
>> Stephen: THAT'S IT FOR "A
LATE SHOW," EVERYBODY.
800
00:39:36,707 --> 00:39:41,003
TUNE IN TOMORROW WHEN MY GUEST
WILL BE TOM HANKS, AND MUSICAL
801
00:39:41,003 --> 00:39:43,547
GUEST, LESLIE ODOM, JR.
JAMES CORDEN IS NEXT.
802
00:39:43,547 --> 00:39:45,382
GOOD NIGHT.
803
00:39:46,300 --> 00:39:47,051
Captioning sponsored by CBS
Captioned by
804
00:39:48,344 --> 00:39:50,429
Media Access Group at WGBH
access.wgbh.org
805
00:39:50,429 --> 00:39:55,351
>> YOU AND YOUR WIFE SENT ME
SOME LOVELY BABY CLOTHES AND I
806
00:39:55,351 --> 00:39:57,686
WAS SO CONFUSED, I DON'T KNOW IF
I SENT A NOTE.
807
00:39:57,686 --> 00:39:59,355
>> I DON'T THINK YOU DID.
808
00:39:59,355 --> 00:40:04,068
>> I WASN'T SURE IF YOU WRITE ON
THE NOTES WHAT IT WAS AND THEY
809
00:40:04,068 --> 00:40:04,485
GOT LOST.
810
00:40:04,485 --> 00:40:05,402
IT'S A PANDEMIC.
811
00:40:05,402 --> 00:40:05,569
>> I TOLD YOU TO KEEP A LIST!
812
00:40:28,425 --> 00:40:32,471
♪ ♪ ♪
♪ ♪ ♪
813
00:40:32,471 --> 00:40:32,847
♪ ♪ ♪
Captioning sponsored by CBS