MOVING GO TO WACO, TEXAS, WHERE FORMER
PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP HELD HIS FIRST BIG 2024 CAME PEN RALLY ON
SATURDAY. THEY PLAYED A SONG FEATURINGR
OF JANUARY 6TH DEFENDANTS. HE CALLS THEM A PRISON CHOIR.
THE LATE SHOW HA OBTAINED THE VIDEO OF THE JANUARY 6
PRISONERS CHOIR
WOW, THESE PATRIOTS ARE INCREDIBLE LOOKING WOMEN.
Announcer: IT'S "THE LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT."
TONIGHT... ARREST IS YET TO COME.
FIRST, STEPHEN WELCOMES HUGH GRANT
AND SEAN HAYES. FEATURING LOUIS CATO
AND "THE LATE SHOW" BAND. AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE
FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK CITY,
IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT. Stephen: FANTASTIC.
YOU ARE A SIGHT FOR SORE EYES. BEAUTIFUL.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN.
Audience:
STEPHEN! Stephen: HEY, THANKS,
EVERYBODY. DOWN HERE, UP THERE.
VERY NICE. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
PLEASE HAVE A SEAT, EVERYBODY. THANK YOU SO MUCH.
WELCOME ONE AND ALL TOWN HERE UP THERE OUT THERE, WELCOME TO
"THE LATE SHOW." I AM YOUR, STEPHEN COLBERT.
IT IS MARCH WHAT? WHAT IS IT, MARCH 24TH OR
SOMETHING? 27TH.
MARCH 27TH. GOT TO GET A NEW CALENDAR.
IT IS OUR FIRST SHOW BACK FROM SPRING BREAK.
WHAT I MISSED? DID ANYONE GET INDICTED?
DID ANYONE GO ANYWHERE FUN, LIKE JAIL?
OKAY. YOU'LL RECALL THAT PREVIOUSLY
ON "THE LATE SHOW," MANHATTAN DISTRICT ATTORNEY ALVIN
BRAGG WAS EXPECTED TO BRING CHARGES AGAINST
THE FORMER PRESIDENT FOR AN ALLEGED HUSH
MONEY PAYMENT TO PORN STAR STORMY DANIELS,
WHICH WOULD MAKE HIM THE FIRST FORMER PRESIDENT
EVER TO BE CRIMINALLY INDICTED. ALTHOUGH MOST HISTORIANS AGREE
MARTIN VAN BUREN SHOULD'VE GONE TO JAIL FOR THIS HAIRCUT.
MM-HMM. THIS INDICTMENT WAS SUCH A SURE
THING THAT THE TARGET OF THE INVESTIGATION POSTED THIS
ON TRUTH SOCIAL. "THE FAR AND AWAY LEADING
REPUBLICAN CANDIDATE AND FORMER PRESIDENT OF THE
UNITED STATES OF AMERICA WILL BE ARRESTED ON
TUESDAY OF NEXT WEEK." EVERYONE.
I KNOW. EVERYONE WAS SO EXCITED.
BUT, ALAS, IT DIDN'T HAPPEN. MAKING THIS HIS MOST INACCURATE
FORECAST SINCE EVERY TIME HE SAID, "TILL DEATH DO US PART."
IN HIS POSTS, SURE. THE FORMER PRESIDENT ALSO
ENCOURAGED HIS SUPPORTERS TO "PROTEST, TAKE OUR NATION BACK"
AND WARNED THAT HIS ARREST COULD BRING ABOUT "POTENTIAL DEATH
AND DESTRUCTION." WHAT?
AGAIN! HE WANTS A SEQUEL
TO JANUARY 6TH WITH THE PROTESTS AND THE VIOLENCE,
AND THE... I'M SORRY.
WHAT DO YOU CALL IT? THE POO-POO.
THANK YOU, MADAM SPEAKER.
SO DELICATE. THE PROTESTS WERE PERHAPS NOT AS
LARGE AS HE HAD CALLED FOR. 'CAUSE THIS IS IT.
IT'S LESS "JAN 6TH" AND MORE "JAN AND 6 OF HER FRIENDS."
ONE REPORTER DESCRIBED IT BY SAYING, "IT'S JUST A BUNCH OF
CAMERAS TAKING A PICTURE OF A GUY WHO IS PUTTING ON A RAT
SUIT NEXT TO A GUITAR WITH THE WORDS 'HANG FAUCI' ON IT."
SO RUDY WAS THERE? THE RAT SUIT?
WAS THAT THE RAT SUIT? AT A RALLY THIS WEEKEND,
THE FORMER PRESIDENT ADDRESSED HIS LEGAL TROUBLES.
AND YET AFTER GOING OVER 11 MILLION PAGES OF DOCUMENTS,
I BUILT A GREAT COMPANY,
THEY'VE GOT NOTHING. IT PROBABLY MAKES ME THE MOST
INNOCENT MAN IN THE HISTORY OF OUR COUNTRY,
FRIENDS OF MINE SAY THAT. Stephen: THOSE HAVE GOTTA BE
THE TWO BIGGEST LIES HE'S EVER TOLD.
HE IS THE MOST INNOCENT MAN IN HISTORY.
AND THAT HE HAS FRIEND. THIS RALLY WAS HELD IN WACO,
TEXAS ON SATURDAY. AND INSTEAD OF SOMEONE SINGING
THE STAR-SPANGLED BANNER, THE RALLY BEGAN
WITH THIS ANNOUNCEMENT. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
PLEASE RISE AND PLACE YOUR HAND OVER YOUR HEART FOR THE
NUMBER ONE NUMBER ONE SONG ON ITUNES,
AMAZON, AND THE BILLBOARD CHARTS,
"JUSTICE FOR ALL" FEATURING DONALD J. TRUMP
AND THE J6 CHOIR. Stephen: NOW, IF YOU HAVEN'T
HEARD OF THEM, "THE J6 CHOIR" IS MADE UP OF
A GROUP OF INMATES WHO ARE IN PRISON FOR THEIR ACTIONS IN THE
JANUARY 6TH RIOT. IT'S THE HOTTEST MUSICAL-PRISON
CROSSOVER SINCE MANSON AND GARFUNKEL.
SURE. HE CAN SING.
SANG WITH THE BEACH BOYS. ONE QUIBBLE.
"JUSTICE FOR ALL" IS NOT ACTUALLY THE TOP SONG ON
STREAMING PLATFORMS OR THE REAL BILLBOARD CHARTS.
IT'S THE TOP SONG THAT PEOPLE ARE PAYING TO DOWNLOAD ON
ITUNES BECAUSE THEIR GRANDCHILDREN DON'T LIKE THEM
ENOUGH TO HELP THEM SET UP SPOTIFY.
THAT DIDN'T STOP THE FORMER PRESIDENT FROM REPEATING
THE CLAIM. THAT SONG TELLS YOU A LOT
BECAUSE IT'S NUMBER ONE IN EVERY SINGLE CATEGORY.
NUMBER TWO WAS TAYLOR SWIFT. NUMBER THREE WAS MOLLY CYRUS.
Stephen: YES, MOLLY CYRUS. AND OF COURSE, HER ALTER EGO,
HERNA MARNTERNA. HERNA MARNTERNA.
DIANA IDAHO. JERMAINE MAIN.
THE FORMER PRESIDENT'S MAIN COMPETITION FOR THE GOP
NOMINATION REMAINS FLORIDA GOVERNOR RON DeSANTIS.
THE FORMER PRESIDENT BELIEVES DeSANTIS OWES HIM HIS
CAREER, AND RECOUNTED THE MOMENT IN 2018 WHEN THE GOVERNOR BEGGED
FOR HIS ENDORSEMENT. I AM A LOYALIST AND WHEN
A MAN COMES TO ME, TEARS IN HIS EYES, HE'S AT ALMOST NOTHING IN
THE POLLS, I SAID, "YOU CAN'T WIN, CAN YOU?
HOW CAN YOU WIN?" "SIR, IF YOU ENDORSE ME
I WILL WIN. PLEASE, PLEASE SIR.
ENDORSE ME." I SAID LET'S GIVE IT A SHOT,
RON, AND I ENDORSED HIM AND HE BECAME LIKE A ROCKET SHIP.
Stephen: OH, I DON'T KNOW I DON'T ABOUT "ROCKET."
IF YOU LOOK AT HIM, HE'S ACTUALLY GOT
THE AERODYNAMICS OF A KEGGERATOR.
NEWS FROM FLERIDA. THE NUMBER ONE PLACE TO HEAR THE
PHRASE "OH, YOU MEAN THE OTHER ALLIGATOR WHO HELD UP
A TIKI BAR." LAST WEEK, IN THE STATE CAPITAL
OF TALLAHASSEE, A SCHOOL PRINCIPAL RESIGNED
AFTER PARENTS COMPLAINED THAT A LESSON ON MICHAELANGELO'S
DAVID EXPOSED SIXTH GRADERS TO PORNOGRAPHY.
OH, YEAH. OH, YEAH.
BABY. MY FAVORITE PART OF ANY PORNO IS
WHEN SOMEONE IS STANDING FLACID WHILE THINKING ABOUT MURDERING
A GIANT. OH, YEAH.
[APPLAUSE] BUT THIS HAS GOT ME WONDERING,
IS ALL RENAISSANCE ART SMUT? I'M LOOKING AT YOU,
MONA LISA. WHAT ARE YOU SMILING ABOUT?
COULD IT BE... BOOBS!
I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THAT JOKE. APPARENTLY,
IT'S A FUNNY WORD. APPARENTLY,
TWO PARENTS COMPLAINED THAT THEY WEREN'T NOTIFIED IN ADVANCE THAT
A NUDE WOULD BE SHOWN. NOTHING CREEPY ABOUT THAT.
"LOOK, I JUST WANNA KNOW WHEN THE NUDES ARE GONNA SHOW UP.
ALSO THE KINDA NUDES. WHAT ARE WE TALKING ABOUT?
TASTEFUL, OR LIKE, THE GOOD STUFF?
'CAUSE I'M AN ART LOVER."
I MEAN I'M A CONCERNED PARENT. OBVIOUSLY THIS IS SILLY.
AND THE PEOPLE OVER IN ITALY AGREE.
WHICH IS WHY IN RESPONSE, THIS WEEK, THE FLORENCE MUSEUM
THAT EXHIBITS THE STATUE INVITED THE PARENTS AND STUDENTS
TO VISIT, SAYING, "TO THINK THAT DAVID COULD BE
PORNOGRAPHIC MEANS TRULY NOT UNDERSTANDING THE
CONTENTS OF THE BIBLE, NOT UNDERSTANDING
WESTERN CULTURE, AND NOT UNDERSTANDING
RENAISSANCE ART." Stephen: SO...
FLORIDA. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
THERE'S ALSO NEWS OUT OF UTAH, BECAUSE THEY'RE HOLDING
A TRIAL INVOLVING LIFESTYLE GURU GWYNETH PALTROW,
SEEN HERE BEING THE RICHEST PERSON WHO BUYS THEIR GLASSES
A THE CVS CHECKOUT. MY DEAR, DEAR FRIEND GWYNETH
IS CURRENTLY ON TRIAL IN A CIVIL LAWSUIT FOR A SKIING
COLLISION IN 2016. SPECIFICALLY,
A RETIRED OPTOMETRIST IS SUING HER, CLAIMING SHE PLOWED INTO
HIM ON A BUNNY HILL AND CALLOUSLY SKIED AWAY.
WHICH IS THE WHITEST SENTENCE I'VE EVER READ.
THE WHITEST THING I'VE EVER HEARD.
AND I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW I HAVE MY BOAT MECHANIC
ON SPEED DIAL. BUT PALTROW IS COUNTERSUING,
CLAIMING THE OPTOMETRIST ACTUALLY SKIED INTO
"HER," SAYING HIS STORY IS LARGELY MADE UP.
HE'S A BUMBLING OPTOMETRIST, SHE'S A CELEBRITY MOGUL,
THEY COLLIDE ON A SKI MOUNTAIN AND NEITHER CAN REMEMER
WHAT HAPPENED? THIS CHRISTMAS,
SEE HALLMARK'S NEWEST HIT, "GOOPSY-DAISY:
A SKI ACCIDENT... OF THE HEART."
NEVER SAW THAT, BUT I LIKE IT. GOOPSY-DAISY.
THE TRIAL IS STILL ONGOING, AND WE DON'T KNOW
WHO CRASHED INTO WHOM. WHAT WE DO KNOW IS,
GWYNETH PALTROW SHOULD TAKE THE STAND MORE OFTEN.
BECAUSE SHE IS A HOOT. HERE SHE IS BEING QUESTIONED
ABOUT HER REACTION TO THE CRASH.
YOU WERE FURIOUS AND SAID, "YOU SKIED DIRECTLY INTO
MY EFFING BACK." AT THE TOP OF YOUR LUNGS.
YES, I DID. OKAY.
LANGUAGE. Stephen: AS WELL YOU SHOULD!
I EXPECT MORE DIGNITY FROM THE WOMAN WHO SELLS CANDLES
CALLED "THIS SMELLS LIKE MY VAGINA."
TRUE STORY. THAT'S A TRUE STORY.
OF THE VICTIM SAYS HE'S UNABLE TO ENJOY WINE TASTINGS
AFTER THE COLLISION. THAT'S TRAGIC.
I BELIEVE HIS TONGUE QUALIFIES FOR HANDICAP PARKING IN FRONT OF
THE LIQUOR STORE. BUT THE REAL STAR OF THE TRIAL
IS THE OPTOMETRIST'S LAWYER, WHO IS, IN LEGAL TERMS, THIRSTY A.F.
HERE SHE IS QUESTIONING PALTROW. SINCE YOU'RE NOT DOWN HERE,
MAY I ASK HOW TALL YOU ARE? I'M JUST UNDER 5'10".
OKAY. I AM SO JEALOUS.
I THINK I'M SHRINKING, THOUGH.
YOU AND ME BOTH. I HAVE TO WEAR FOUR INCH
HEELS JUST TO MAKE IT TO 5'5" SO--
WELL, THEY'RE VERY NICE. OH, THANK YOU.
Stephen: THAT IS CLASSIC PROSECUTOR
GRILLING THE WITNESS. REMINDS ME OF THIS FAMOUS SCENE
FROM "A FEW GOOD MEN." YOU WANT ANSWERS?
I WANT SMOOTHER SKIN! YOU HAVE BEAUTIFUL SKIN!
Stephen: WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
MY GUESTS ARE HUGH GRANT AND SEAN HAYES,
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, SPACE NEWS!
STICK AROUND.
♪ ♪ Stephen: WELCOME BACK,
EVERYBODY! GIVE IT UP FOR LOUIS CATO AND
"THE LATE SHOW" BAND, EVERYBODY. EXACTLY.
WE HAVE GOT SOME AMAZING GUESTS TONIGHT.
A YOUNG MAN, EVERYONE'S FAVORITE ROM COM, HUGH GRANT.
AND FROM THE NEW BROADWAY PLAY, "GOOD NIGHT, OSCAR," SEAN HAYES
IS GOING TO BE OUT HERE. YOU KNOW, IT'S INTERESTING, YOU
KNOW THAT DAVID STATUE THING WHERE THE PARENTS WERE UPSET
THAT THEY WEREN'T WARNED THAT THE KIDS WERE GOING TO BE SEEING
THE DAVID. I CAN RELATE INTO WAYS.
FIRST OF ALL, IT IS TERRIBLE FOR YOUNG MAN'S BODY IMAGE TO SEE
THE DAVID. TO THINK THAT THAT'S POSSIBLE.
HIS ABS ARE LITERALLY ROCK-HARD. THAT'S NOT FAIR.
BUT THE SECOND THING IS, THIS IS THE FIRST YEAR OF THIS SHOW?
2015 OR 2016, SOMETHING LIKE THAT, WE WANTED TO SHOW THE
DAVID ON THE SHOW AND WE GOT A NOTE FROM CBS THAT SAID YOU
CAN'T SHOW THE DAVID. THAT'S A NAKED MAN.
I SAID, IT'S THE DAVID. AND THEY SAID, OKAY, YOU CAN'T
SHOW A CLOSE-UP PICTURE OF THE DAVID.
HAS TO BE FULL BODY PICTURE. IT HAS TO BE OTS COME OVER HERE,
NOT FULL FRAME. YOU CAN'T LEAVE IT UP FOR MORE
THAN TWO SECONDS. THAT'S HOW THREATENINGLY THAT
STATUE IS. WE ONLY LEFT IT UP FOR TWO
SECONDS AND I CERTAINLY HOPE THAT NO ONE PAUSED BEAR DVR IN
THAT MOMENT. AND GOT REAL CLOSE TO THE SCREEN
LIKE THAT. AND WENT, WHY ISN'T HE
CIRCUMCISED? FOLKS, ANYONE WHO KNOWS ME KNOWS
I LOVE SPACE. IT'S VAST, IT'S MYSTERIOUS
AND APPARENTLY FULL OF NOUGAT.
AND I LIKE TO GIVE YOU ALL THE COSMIC UPDATES IN MY ONGOING
SEGMENT... SPACE NEWS!
NICELY DONE. FIRST UP,
SPACEX NEWS! THIS GUY.
EARLIER THIS MONTH, ELON MUSK'S SPACEX LAUNCHED AN
INTERNATIONAL CREW OF ASTRONAUTS ON A SPACE STATION MISSION.
WHERE, JUST LIKE MUSK'S EMPLOYEES AT TWITTER,
THEY'LL WORK AROUND THE CLOCK, SLEEP AT THE OFFICE,
AND POOP IN A VACUUM. YOU MAY ALSO REMEMBER THAT MUSK
STILL HAS THOUSANDS OF HIS STARLINK INTERNET SATELLITES
ORBITING THE EARTH, AND NOW SPACE WATCHERS ARE
WARNING THAT CHINA COULD LAUNCH 13,000 SATELLITES TO
DISRUPT STARLINK, BECAUSE CHINESE MILITARY RESEARCHERS
SAY IT COULD THREATEN CHINA'S NATIONAL SECURITY.
I MEAN, THAT SEEMS TOO COMPLICATED OF A PLOT.
IF ELON MUSK REALLY WANTED TO DESTROY CHINA, HE'D BUY IT
AND APPOINT HIMSELF CEO. [APPLAUSE]
ACCORDING TO SPACEX, MUSK HAS A NEW ROCKET IN THE WORKS,
THE FIRST LAUNCH ATTEMPT OF WHICH WILL BE NEAR THE END
OF APRIL, BUT "THE REAL GOAL IS TO NOT BLOW UP
ON THE LAUNCH PAD." THAT'S A PRETTY LOW BAR.
"IDEALLY I'D LOVE TO WIN A GOLD MEDAL IN GYMNASTICS.
BUT THE REAL GOAL IS TO NOT CRAP MYSELF ON THE POMMEL HORSE."
COME ON, BABY. NEXT UP,
"SPACE CLEANING NEWS!" [WARBLING]
[WHIRRING] A COMPANY IN SWITZERLAND
IS SET TO LAUNCH A GIANT CLAW FOR REMOVING SPACE JUNK
THAT WILL GRAB ONTO SPACE DEBRIS AND SEND IT INTO
EARTH'S ATMOSPHERE TO BURN UP. BUT TRUST ME, NO MATTER HOW MANY
QUARTERS YOU FEED THAT CLAW, YOU WILL NEVER GET THE
SPACE PIKACHU. NEXT UP.
PIKA! PIKA, PIKA!
NEXT UP, SPACE PRESIDENT NEWS! ["HAIL TO THE CHIEF" PLAYS]
CELESTIS, A TEXAS BASED COMPANY THAT SENDS PEOPLE'S ASHES
TO THE STARS, ANNOUNCED THAT DNA FROM 4 AMERICAN PRESIDENTS
WILL LAUNCH TO DEEP SPACE. NOT THE BEST FIRST IMPRESSION
GIFT FOR THE ALIENS. "ZORG!
THE NEW NEIGHBORS SENT US SOMETHING--
IT'S A BLUE DRESS WITH-- EWWWW!"
UGH. [LAUGHTER]
NEXT UP, MARS FLOODING NEWS!
RIGHTEOUS! CHINA'S MARS ROVER HAS FOUND
HINTS OF CATASTROPHIC FLOODS ON THE RED PLANET
BUT CAUTION THAT THE REGION COULD HAVE ALSO BEEN COVERED
IN LAVA. THIS NEW DATA SUPPORTS THE
PREVAILING SCIENTIFIC THEORY THAT MARTIANS TRAVELLED BY
HOPPING FROM COUCH CUSHION TO COUCH CUSHION.
THE FLOOR IS LAVA. FINALLY.
FINALLY, PLANETARY CONJUNCTION NEWS!
♪ ♪ THERE YOU GO.
RECENTLY, JUPITER AND VENUS KISSED IN A STUNNING
PLANETARY CONJUNCTION. AND EVERYONE FOUND OUT THE NEXT
DAY, BECAUSE IF YOU LOOK CLOSELY, JUPITER TOTALLY HAS
A HICKEY. AND THIS RENDEZ-VOUZ
WAS PARTICULARLY SPECIAL BECAUSE, AS ONE EXPERT PUT IT
"ALTHOUGH VENUS AND JUPITER GET CLOSE TO ONE ANOTHER
EVERY FEW YEARS, THIS TIME THERE IS ALSO MARS AND SATURN
IN THE MIX, WHICH IS PRETTY RARE."
AND WITH THAT MANY PLANETS IN THE LIFESTYLE,
YOU KNOW SOMEONE'S GOING TO GET CURIOUS ABOUT URANUS.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH HUGH GRANT!
♪ ♪ Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY.
WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW." LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, YOU KNOW
MY FIRST GUEST TONIGHT FROM SOME OF YOUR FAVORITE ROM-COMS AND
TELEVISION SERIES LIKE "A VERY ENGLISH SCANDAL" AND "THE
UNDOING." HE NOW STARS IN A NEW MOVIE,
"DUNGEONS & DRAGONS: HONOR AMONG
THIEVES." WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW,"
HUGH GRANT. ♪ ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] THERE IT IS.
HELO. I LOVE YOU!
Hugh: I LOVE YOU. Stephen: THANK YOU.
HELLO AND WELCOME BACK. Hugh: THANK YOU, STEPHEN.
NICE TO BE BACK. Stephen: WE SPOKE, WE DID
ONE INTERVIEW OVER COVID. YOU HAVEN'T BEEN PHYSICALLY HERE
SINCE 2018. WE DID RUN INTO EACH OTHER THIS
SUMMER. DO YOU REMEMBER ME RUNNING INTO
YOU? Hugh: IT HAS COME BACK TO
ME. I WAS VERY DRUNK.
Stephen: I WAS ON MY WAY. Hugh: MORE THAN THAT.
YOU WERE EMBARRASSING. Stephen: OKAY.
THAT'S WHAT EVIE SAYS, BUT GO ON.
Hugh: I FELT BAD BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T RECOGNIZE YOU BECAUSE
YOU WERE SO PREPOSTEROUSLY OUT OF CONTEXT.
Stephen: WE ARE IN A RESTAURANT IN FRANCE.
Hugh: THE MOST OBSCURE CORNER OF THE SOUTH OF FRANCE.
HSPEECH WITH A TINY RESTAURAT AND EVERYONE WAS DINING ALFRESCO
AND MY WIFE IS SITTING ACROSS FROM YOU LOOKS OVER MY HEAD AS
SOMEBODY WALKS INTO THE DINING ROOM AREA AND SHE GOES, DON'T
LOOK NOW. BUT HUGH GRANT JUST WALKED IN.
I WENT... SHE GOES, AND DON'T GO OVER
THERE. AND I PICKED UP THIS HUGE
TERRINE OF SOUP AND I WALKED OVER AND YOU HAD JUST SAT DOWN
AND I SAID P PARDON, MONSIEUR. YOU'RE VERY NICE.
YOU HAD THE MENU AND SAID I'M SORRY, WHAT'S HAPPENING?
AND THEN I SAID HI, HUGH. IT'S ME, STEPHEN.
AND YOU WENT, "OH, BOLLIX. YOU WEREN'T SUPPOSED TO BE HERE.
">> Stephen: IT'S ALWAYS GOOD TO COME OVER WITH A HOT PROP.
DID YOU SPEND A LOT OF TIME OVER THERE.
IT IS SO BEAUTIFUL. I'VE NEVER BEEN TO PROVENCE.
THEY SAY IT'S BEAUTIFUL. THEY DIDN'T LIE.
IT'S AMAZING. Hugh: I AM MAD ABOUT IT.
HAVE A HOUSE DOWN THERE AND IT'S THE ONLY PLACE WHERE I AM NICE
AND HAPPY IN THE WHOLE WORLD. Stephen: MEANING YOU'RE NOT
HAPPY TO BE HERE RIGHT NOW? Hugh: NO, MISERABLE.
I AM PRETTY GIRLY HAPPY, HAPPY DOWN THERE.
I AM ONE OF THOSE, THERE IS A BREED OF MIDDLE-CLASS BRITISH
PERSON WHO IS ENCHANTED BY EVERYTHING FRENCH.
IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT IT IS. I JUST LOVE IT.
THEY SAY, THE BUTCHER SAYS, DO YOU WANT THE HEAD OF THE COW?
OUI, S'IL VOUS PLAIT. DO YOU& WANT THE INTESTINES?
YES, I'LL HAVE THAT. THE LOCAL MARKET WHICH NONE OF
THE LOCALS USE. IT'S PEOPLE GETTING SOMETHING
FROM THE CASH AND CARRY. I BUY EVERYTHING.
THEY RUB THEIR HANDS WHEN I ARRIVE.
Stephen: TAKE ADVANTAGE OF ME, I LOVE IT.
YOU HAVE TALKED A LITTLE BIT ABOUT YOUR AMBIVALENCE ABOUT
ACTING. ACTING SEEMS TO LIKE YOU A LOT.
BUT IF YOU HADN'T BEEN AN ACTOR, WAS THE ROAD NOT TAKEN FOR HUGH
GRANT? WAS THERE A BACKUP PLAN?
Hugh: THERE WERE THINGS I COULD HAVE DONE.
I WAS IN ADVERTISING FOR A BIT. I WROTE RADIO COMMERCIALS AND
PRODUCE THEM AND I WAS QUITE HAPPY DOING THAT.
Stephen: DO YOU REMEMBER PRODUCT THAT YOU SOLD?
Hugh: OH, YES. I WROTE SOME GOOD ADS FOR MIGHTY
WHITE SLICED BREAD, ALL THE GOODNESS OF BROWN BY THE GREAT
TASTE OF WHITE. BRYLCREEM.
A LITTLE DAB OF BRYLCREEM IN YOUR HAIR GIVES YOU THE
BRYLCREEM BOUNCED. Stephen: YOU WROTE OUT THE
WORD BOUNCE? Hugh: HAD TO JAM IT IN.
Stephen: YOU WERE EDUCATED AT OXFORD AND THEN YOU ARE
WRITING THAT HAD THE WORD BOUNCE IN IT?
Hugh: THAT'S WHAT THEY TEACH YOU AT OXFORD.
I MEAN, THAT'S ONE ROAD. I HAD SO MANY JOBS BEFORE ACTING
HAPPENED. I WAS A VERY GOOD TOILET CLEANER
FOR A TIME. Stephen: REALLY?
Hugh: YEAH. I STILL QUITE LIKE TO CLEAN A
TOILET. Stephen: REALLY?
Hugh: YEAH, I BECAME VERY ACCOMPLISHED.
Stephen: IT'S GOOD. YOU REALLY BUFF IT.
Hugh: YES, I DO, I LIKE TO MAKE IT SPARKLING.
I CLEANED A COUPLE OF YEARS EARLIER.
Stephen: WHAT AN HONOR. THANK YOU.
Hugh: THEY WERE IN A TERRIBLE STATE.
Stephen: WE SHOULD HAVE THE MONOGRAMMED.
HOW DO YOU GO ABOUT CHOOSING ROLES THESE DAYS?
WE HAVE A PHOTO HERE OF YOU AND YOUR VERY FIRST FILM.
WHAT IS THIS? Hugh: YEAH.
I WAS STILL AT OXFORD AND SOME GUYS GOT TOGETHER, GOT SOME
MONEY TOGETHER TO MAKE AN AMATEUR FILM AND ASKED ME TO BE
IN IT AND I SAID NO. AND THEN I REALIZED THIS GIRL I
REALLY FANCIED COLD VICTORIA STUD WAS GOING TO BE IN IT.
Stephen: HER NAME WAS VICTORIA STEAD.
Hugh: YES. SO I SAID YES.
THAT STARTED THE SLIPPERY SLOPE INTO ACTING.
STILL WE HAVE TO TAKE A QUICK BREAK, IF THAT'S OKAY WITH YOU.
Hugh: YOU FLUBBED IT AGAIN. YOU FLUBBED IT.
Stephen: WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH HUGH GRANT.
STICK AROUND.
Stephen: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THAT'S THE STAR OF
"DUNGEONS & DRAGONS: HONOR AMONG THIEVES," HUGH GRANT.
THE ROLES HAVE CHANGED A LITTLE BIT.
YOU ARE PLAYING A LOT OF HEAVIES AT THIS POINT.
YOU HAVE SOME NICE BAD GUYS INCLUDING THIS MOVIE.
YOU HAVE SAID "I LOVE A TOTAL FRAUD.
THE MORE DUPLICITOUS AND DIABOLICAL AND SELFISH AND VAIN
CHARACTERS THESE DAYS, THE MORE IT APPEALS TO ME."
DO EXPLAIN. Hugh: WELL, I MEAN, WE ALL
HAVE A BADDIE. NOT JUST ACTORS BUT AUDIENCES
LIKE BADDIES. GIRLS LIKE BADDIES.
Stephen: I HAVE HEARD. Hugh: WHY?
Stephen: I DON'T KNOW. Hugh: IT DOES SEEM TO SUIT
ME BETTER. MAYBE IT'S CLOSER TO ME.
LAYERS OF DUPLICITY SUIT ACTING BECAUSE ACTING IS COVERING
THINGS UP. Stephen: ACTING IS LYING.
I'VE ALWAYS SAID ACTING IS LYING.
[LAUGHTER] THIS EVIL GUY IN
"DUNGEONS & DRAGONS: HONOR AMONG THIEVES" IS FORGE FITZWILLIAM.
WE HAVE A CLIP OF THE MOVIE WE ARE ABOUT TO SHOW HERE.
WHAT ARE GOING TO SEE? YOU SEEM TO BE GREETING PEOPLE.
Hugh: I AM A CON MAN WHO FALLS IN WITH OUR HEROES AND
THEY'VE GOT SORT OF BAND OF RATHER HONORABLE THIEVES WHO
STEAL MONEY FROM THE RICH TO GIVE TO THE POOR AND THEN I
START TO PERSUADE THEM TO STEAL FROM NOT SUCH RICH PEOPLE.
I AM CLEARLY NOT QUITE AS NICE. ON THIS BIG HEIST, THEY'LL GET
CAPTURED AND IMPRISONED AND SOMEHOW I'M NOT.
YEARS LATER THE ESCAPE FROM PRISON AND THEY COME TO FIND ME,
BY WHICH TIME I'VE BECOME MYSTERIOUSLY THE SORT OF HEAD,
THE CHANCELLOR OF THE WHOLE CITY IN THE WORLD OF
"DUNGEONS & DRAGONS." [LAUGHS]
OLD FRIENDS. WHAT A WONDERFUL SURPRISE.
OH. DO I SPY A LITTLE BIT OF GRAY?
I DO. I LIKE IT.
SCOUNDRELLY BUT PROFESSORIAL. YOU LOOK LIKE A-- WHAT DO YOU
LOOK LIKE? OH, WELL, READ FISHERMAN WITH
SECRETS. I KNOW YOU DON'T LIKE HUGS BUT I
NEED ONE. Stephen: FOR THE FEW PEOPLE
I SEE CON MEN. FOR PEOPLE WHO DON'T KNOW,
"DUNGEONS & DRAGONS" WHICH THE MOVIE IS BASED ON, THERE ARE
CHARACTER CLASSES. YOU ARE A THIEF OR YOU'RE AN
ASSASSIN. YOU'RE A PALADIN.
MAGIC USER OR SOMETHING. WHAT'S YOUR CHARACTER?
IS HE A THIEF? Hugh: I AM TOLD I AM A
ROGUE. Stephen: FORM OF THIEF?
Hugh: I WAS TOLD BACKSTAGE THAT YOU PLAY THIS GAME.
Stephen: I WAS ABSOLUTELY OBSESSED WITH IT.
Hugh: HAVE NEVER UNDERSTOOD IT.
HERE I AM, I'M ASHAMED, PROMOTING IT AND I'VE NEVER
PLAYED IT. Stephen: NO HISTORY WITH
YOU? Hugh: NOT YET.
Stephen: NO ONE TRIED TO GET YOU TO PLAY?
Hugh: CHRIS PINE OCCASIONALLY.
THERE WAS TALK OF IT. I DON'T KNOW.
FILMS ARE SO WEIRD NOW. THEY ARE WEIRD BECAUSE IN THE
OLD DAYS, BY THE END OF THE SECOND WEEK YOU WERE ALL GETTING
DRUNK IN THE EVENING AND HAVING DINNER AND FALLING IN LOVE WITH
EACH OTHER AND ALL OF THAT. ALL OF THAT STOPPED BECAUSE OF
TELEPHONES. EVERYONE GOES HOME AND LOOKS AT
TWITTER. IT'S SO SAD.
Stephen: IF THERE WEREN'T TELEPHONES ON SET, THERE WOULD
BE MORE AFFAIRS GOING ON? Hugh: I THINK SO.
QUENTIN TARANTINO BANDS TELEPHONES ON THE SET.
PEOPLE ON THE SET, THEY ALL DO SHAG EACH OTHER.
Stephen: I LOVE THAT TERM. Hugh: IT'S FRIENDLY.
Stephen: IT'S ALSO A DANCE IN THE UNITED STATES.
THE SHAG IS THE STATE DANCE OF MY HOME STATE OF CAROLINA SO I
WOULD TELL PEOPLE, I AM A SHAG CHAMPION.
MY ENGLISH FRIENDS WOULD GO, GOOD TO KNOW.
WE HAD REGE-JEAN PAGE, THAT HANDSOME--
Hugh: IF YOU LIKE THAT. Stephen: I'M NOT SAYING--
YOU ARE ALL ATTRACTIVE. DOES THAT MAKE YOU UNCOMFO
UNCOMFORTABLE? YOU ARE BREAKING OUT IN HIVES.
THE ONLY REASON I BRING HIM UP IS THAT HE SAID DURING THIS
MOVIE GAVE HIM HIS BEST ASS OF HIS CAREER BECAUSE SWORD
FIGHTING REQUIRES SO MUCH SQUATTING.
HOW MUCH SQUATTING WAS THERE FOR YOU?
Hugh: THERE WAS A LOT. I ALSO HAVE AN INCREDIBLE ASS
ACTUALLY. Stephen: HUGH, LOVELY TO
HAVE YOU."DUNGEONS & DRAGONS: HG THIEVES" OPENS IN THEATERS THIS
FRIDAY. THAT, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, IS
HUGH GRANT. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH THE
STAR OF THE BROADWAY PLAY "GOOD NIGHT, OSCAR," SEAN HAYES.
THAT'S IT.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY.
WELCOME BACK. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MY NEXT
GUEST IS AN EMMY AWARD WINNING ACTOR FROM "WILL & GRACE,"
PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO THE LATE SHOW, SEAN HAYES.
♪ NOW IT'S TIME TO SAY GOOD NIGHT ♪
♪ SLEEP TIGHT ♪ [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
Stephen: THERE YOU GO. Sean: THEY TOLD ME MY
BLOCKING AND I COMPLETE LEE FORGOT IT.
BLOCKING IS WHERE YOU GO ON THE STAGE.
Stephen: I LOVE THAT SWEEPING HAIR.
Sean: YOURS IS ALWAYS THAT WAY.
YOURS IS A WIG. MINE IS REAL.
WE ARE OFF TO THE RACES. Stephen: YOU AND I HAVE NOT
HAD A CHANCE TO SIT DOWN AND JOB BONE, AS WE CALL IT, EVER SINCE
I WAS ON YOUR PODCAST, SMART SMARTLESS.
I SHOULD DO A PODCAST, I WOULD LOVE THAT.
I WAS HER GUEST. Sean: YOU WERE FANTASTIC.
Stephen: I HAD A WONDERFUL TIME.
Sean: THANK YOU. LET ME FINISH.
YOU ARE NOT ON IT NOW. I AM ON YOUR SHOW.
I AM KIDDING. YOU ERE FANTASTIC.
I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN A BIG FAN OF YOURS.
I LOVE YOU. YOU ALWAYS HAVE THE BEST
AUDIENCES. I'M A HUGE FAN OF THIS SHOW.
I HAVE SEEN EVERY-- I'VE SEEN TWO EPISODES.
Stephen: YOU HAVE SEEN EVERY GOOD ONE.
Sean: ONE OF THEM, I HAPPENED TO BE ON.
THE SECOND ONE, I'M GOING TO WATCH TONIGHT.
I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE WHO YOUR GUESTS ARE.
Stephen: IT'S GOING TO BE REALLY GOOD.
STICK AROUND TILL THE AND WHEN SEAN HAYES IS ON THE SHOW.
Sean: HE'S GOING TO BE ON THE SHOW?
Stephen: ONE OF THE THINGS WE TALKED ABOUT, I DON'T WANT TO
GET INTO WHY WE TALKED ABOUT IT BUT WE TALKED ABOUT THAT WHEN
JASON BATEMAN WAS ON LAST TIME HE WASN'T WEARING UNDERWEAR.
SO-- I DID NOT KNOW THAT.
I FOUND OUT LATER. I KNEW THAT HE WAS IN A BAD MOOD
AND I DIDN'T KNOW WHY. CHAFING, EVIDENTLY.
SO I SENT ALL OF YOU UNDERWEAR. Sean: WHICH I HAVE ON NOW.
Stephen: THAT IS A QUALITY BRIEF.
Sean: IT'S AN OKAY BRIEF. I LIKE IT BECAUSE I LIKE TO FEEL
AS CLOSE TO YOU AS POSSIBLE, STEPHEN.
Stephen: BOXER BRIEFS OR BRIEF BRIEFS?
Sean: THEY ARE JUST UNDERWEAR.
LET'S TALK ABOUT THE PLAY. Stephen: YOU ARE COMING
BACK TO BROADWAY, STARRING IN "GOOD NIGHT, OSCAR."
Sean: HERE'S WHAT I LOVE, SPONTANEITY.
HOW DID YOU GET THAT? Stephen: THEY SENT IT TO
ME. WE MADE IT.
FIRST OF ALL, WELCOME BACK TO BROADWAY.
DELIGHTFUL TO HAVE YOU BACK. WHO IS OSCAR AND WHAT DOES THE
PLAY ABOUT? Sean: OSCAR LEVANT, FOR
THOSE OF YOU WHO DON'T KNOW, BIG RACONTEUR, AMAZING GUEST IN THE
'60s. HE WAS AN INCREDIBLE VIRTUOSO.
HE WAS A PIANIST, WROTE BOOKS, HE ALSO STRUGGLED WITH MENTAL
HEALTH AND ADDICTION AND HE WOULD SPEAK OPENLY ABOUT IT ON
LIVE TELEVISION WITH BACK ON "THE TONIGHT SHOW," WAS CRAZY.
PEOPLE STRUGGLE TALKING ABOUT IT TODAY.
USING IT AS FODDER TO MAKE FUN OF HIMSELF AND IT WAS SUPER
SHOCKING. THE TAGLINE ON OUR POSTER IS
"ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN ON LIVE TELEVISION IN ONE NIGHT IT DID."
THE NAME OF THE SHOW, "GOOD NIGHT, OSCAR" BECAUSE JACK
MA ARE USED TO SIGN OFF SAYING AT THE END OF
"THE TONIGHT SHOW," HE WOULD SAY GOOD NIGHT, OSCAR LEVANT,
WHEREVER YOU ARE. IT TAKES PLACE, THE WHOLE PLAY
TAKES PLACE IN REAL LIFE, OSCAR LEVANT COCKED A FOUR HOUR
PASS FROM A MENTAL
HEALTH PURE IN A GAME SHOW. FOR THIS PLAY WE SWITCHED IT TO
"THE TONIGHT SHOW." IT CULMINATES IN THIS
UNBELIEVABLE APPEARANCE ON "THE TONIGHT SHOW."
Sean: HE HAD SUCH-- Sean: NOT UNLIKE THIS ONE.
Stephen: HOW LONG DID THEY GIVE YOU?
Sean: I'LL TELL YOU, A LOT LONGER THAN THIS PLACE.
Stephen: HE'S GOT GREAT SAYINGS.
FANTASTIC. Sean: MY FAVORITE ONE WHICH
IS NOT IN THE PLAY. HE SAID, "I TAKE PRESCRIPTION
PILLS FOR THE SIDE EFFECTS." Stephen: WHAT HE SAID ABOUT
DEBBIE REYNOLDS. Sean: I DON'T KNOW THAT
ONE. Stephen: I HAVE KNOWN
DEBBIE REYNOLDS SINCE-- Sean: NO, DORIS DAY.
Stephen: DORIS DAY. Sean: GO AHEAD, YOU'RE THE
HOST. I KNEW DORIS DAY BEFORE SHE
BECAME A VIRGIN. Stephen: THERE IS A FINE
LINE BETWEEN GENIUS AND SANITY. I'VE ERASED THAT LINE.
FROM HIS WORK IN "AN AMERICAN IN PARIS."
Sean: AS HE GOT OLDER, IT'S HEART-WRENCHING, FUNNY BUT
HEART-WRENCHING STORY. Stephen: OKAY.
WHEN YOU'RE NOT ON BROADWAY AND NOT A PODCAST ARE COMING ARE
ALSO A WRITER. YOU'VE GOT A NEW BOOK.
IT IS CALLED "TIME OUT." Sean: COMES OUT MAY 30.
YOU CAN PREORDER IT BUT IT COMES OUT MAY 30 WHERE EVER BOOKS
AREN'T BANNED. Stephen: MIGHT NOT BE
POPULAR IN FLORIDA. Sean: I HOPE IT IS POPULAR
IN FLORIDA. WROTE IT WITH MY PRODUCING
PARTNER. IT'S A COMING-OF-AGE STORY
ABOUT, THE BACKDROP OF HIGH SCHOOL SPORTS.
FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS KIND OF MEETS HEART STOPPER.
TODD AND I WERE DISCUSSING ONE DAY ABOUT HOW DIFFERENT WE WERE
GROWING UP GAY ANCIENT BURBS OF CHICAGO.
HE WAS INTO SPORTS AND I WAS INTO ARTS.
NEWS FLASH. WHAT WOULD IT HAVE BEEN IF WE
HAD KNOWN EACH OTHER THAN WHY HAVEN'T WE SEEN THAT STORY OF
THAT FRIENDSHIP, RELATIONSHIP QUESTION LIKELY HEIGHTENED BY
MAKING THE STAR HAS A VASCULAR PLAYER IN GEORGIA COME OUT AS
GAY. HOW IT AFFECTS HIS FAMILY, HIS
TEAMMATES, THE STATE. ALL OF THOSE THINGS, HOW IT
AFFECTS YOU. IT'S HARD ENOUGH BEING A
TEENAGER, HARD ENOUGH COMING OUT AS A TEENAGER AND HARD AND OF
BEING IN SPORTS COMING OUT AS A TEENAGER.
IT'S AN AREA WHERE WE REALLY WANTED TO TACKLED KIND OF
FURTHER THE LGBTQ STORIES IN AMERICA ESPECIALLY WITH YOUTH
BECAUSE IT'S A SCARY TIME FOR ALL.
FORMIDABLE YEARS. IT'S IMPORTANT TO FEEL ACCEPTED
AND LOVED MORE THAN ANYTHING IN THE WORLD.
[APPLAUSE] Stephen: YOU CAN ORDER IT
NOW. PREVIEWS OF "GOOD NIGHT, OSCAR"
BEGIN NEXT WEEK. IT'S SEAN HAYES, EVERYBODY.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
Stephen: THAT'S IT FOR "THE LATE SHOW."
TUNE IN TOMORROW WHEN MY GUESTS WILL BE MARY J. BLIGE
AND CHEF ALISON ROMAN. STICK AROUND FOR JAMES.
GOOD NIGHT. ♪ ♪