HOUSE SPEAKER KEVIN McCARTHY IS HANDING OVER
ACCESS TO ALL CAPITOL HILL FOOTAGE FROM THE JANUARY 6TH'S
ATTACK, OF ALL PEOPLE, TUCKER CARLSON AND ONE ON THE MOST
PROMOTE THEORIES ABOUT THE JANUARY 6 INSURRECTION.
HE WILL COME TO READ AND CREATE AN ALTERNATIVE TO JANUAR.
"THE LATE SHOW" HAS GOTTEN TUCKER CARLSON'S ALTERNATIVE
NARRATIVE OF JANUARY 6TH.
♪ JANUARY 6TH ♪ ♪ LOTS OF FRIENDLY WORDS ♪
♪ CHIRPING BIRDS ♪ ♪ ALL OF THE WINDOWS ARE FIXED ♪
♪ IT WAS QUITE FUN ♪ ♪ JOSH HAWLEY LIKES TO RUN ♪
♪ FOLKS ARE PEACEFULLY PUSHING ALL ACCEPTED FOR ONE ♪
Announcer: IT'S "THE LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT"!
STEPHEN WELCOMES PINK!
AND JONATHAN MAJORS, FEATURING LEWIS AND "THE LATE SHOW" BAND.
LIVE ON TAPE FROM.
SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK CITY, IT'S
STEPHEN COLBERT!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] ♪ ♪
Stephen: YOU ARE A SIGHT FOR SORE EYES, THANK YOU FOR
BEING HERE!
THANKS SO MUCH!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] HAPPY TUESDAY!
HEY!
HEY, EVERYBODY!
HELLO!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] THANK YOU VERY MUCH!
HELLO!
THANK YOU VERY MUCH!
GREAT TIME!
WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M STEPHEN COLBERT.
FIRST OF ALL...
HAPPY MARDI GRAS, EVERYBODY!
ALSO KNOWN AS FAT TUESDAY, AND I THINK IT'S TIME WE STOP SHAMING
DAYS OF THE WEEK.
[LAUGHTER] TUESDAY CAN'T HELP IT, IT'S ALL
THOSE TACOS!
AFTER HIS SURPRISE VISIT TO KYIV YESTERDAY, TODAY JOE BIDEN WAS
IN POLAND, WHERE HE GAVE A FIERY SPEECH DEFENDING DEMOCRACY TO
MARK THE ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY OF PUTIN'S INVASION OF UKRAINE.
OF COURSE, THE TRADITIONAL GIFT FOR THE FIRST ANNIVERSARY IS
PAPER, SO BIDEN GAVE UKRAINE 460 MILLION ONE DOLLAR BILLS.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] TODAY, PUTIN HIT BACK AT THE
WEST IN RUSSIA'S STATE OF THE UNION SPEECH.
THEIR STATE OF THE UNION SPEECH IS JUST LIKE OURS, EXCEPT THE
SPECIAL GUESTS IN THE BALCONY PLUNGE TO THEIR DEATHS.
[LAUGHTER] THE WORLD WAS WATCHING CLOSELY,
BECAUSE THE SPEECH WAS AN OPPORTUNITY FOR HIM TO PUT THE
BEST SPIN ON HIS DISASTROUS INVASION.
ONE YEAR AGO, PUTIN THOUGHT THE WAR WOULD ONLY LAST A FEW DAYS.
BUT CLEARLY, HE MADE A MISCALCULATION IN THE RATIO OF
[BLEEP] AROUND TO FIND OUT.
[LAUGHTER] [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
PUTIN CLAPPED BACK AT THE WEST BY ANNOUNCING THAT RUSSIA WILL
SUSPEND ITS PARTICIPATION IN THE "NEW START" NUCLEAR ARMS CONTROL
TREATY.
HOWEVER, THE U.S. STATE DEPARTMENT HAD ALREADY
DETERMINED THAT RUSSIA WAS NOT COMPLYING WITH THAT TREATY.
SO THEY'RE GOING TO "OFFICIALLY" BEGIN TO STOP DOING WHAT THEY'VE
PREVIOUSLY ONLY BEEN PRETENDING NOT TO DO.
[LAUGHTER] IT'S LIKE A KID ON HIS 21ST
BIRTHDAY SAYING TO HIS PARENTS, "AND NOW TO FINALLY TRY THIS
"AL-KY-HOL" I'VE HEARD SO MANY TERRIBLE STORIES ABOUT."
IF YOU THINK IT'S SAFE, I WILL.
WE'VE ALSO GOT THREATS TO DEMOCRACY RIGHT HERE AT HOME.
SPECIFICALLY, SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE, AND FIRST SUCCESSFUL
BUTTHOLE TO MOUTH TRANSPLANT, [LAUGHTER]
KEVIN MCCARTHY.
YOU SHOULD HEAR THAT BOY WHISTLE.
[LAUGHTER] LIKE A BIRD, JUST LIKE A BIRD.
YESTERDAY, WE FOUND OUT THAT MCCARTHY HAS GIVEN EXCLUSIVE
ACCESS TO 41,000 HOURS OF CAPITOL SURVEILLANCE FOOTAGE
FROM THE JANUARY 6TH RIOT TO TUCKER CARLSON.
NO!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
YOU CAN'T GIVE THIS FOOTAGE TO TUCKER CARLSON!
EVER SINCE JANUARY 6TH, HE'S REPEATEDLY DOWNPLAYED THE
VIOLENT ATTACK ON THE CAPITOL AS "VANDALISM" AND "A FORGETTABLY
MINOR OUTBREAK BY RECENT STANDARDS."
YEAH, NO BIGGIE.
I THINK ALL OF US WILL ALWAYS REMEMBER WATCHING IT ON TV AND
THINKING, "THIS IS FORGETTABLE."
PLUS, THIS IS SO IRRESPONSIBLE.
THE FOOTAGE WILL REVEAL SENSITIVE SECURITY INFORMATION,
LIKE CONGRESSIONAL ESCAPE ROUTES AND SECURE HOLDING AREAS AND
WHERE THE CAMERAS ARE.
BUT, KEVIN MCCARTHY CLEARLY THOUGHT ALL THIS THROUGH, AND,
AS SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE, HE CALMED HIS WORRIED COLLEAGUES
WITH THIS STATEMENT HE MADE TODAY:
BEST SPEECH I'VE EVER SEEN HIM GIVE.
- TUCKER'S PRODUCERS ARE ALREADY - -
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] TUCKER'S PRODUCERS ARE ALREADY
EDITING THE MOUNTAIN OF FOOTAGE FOR SHOWS NEXT WEEK, AND HE
CLAIMS HE'S DETERMINED TO GET TO THE TRUTH, SAYING: "BY
DEFINITION, THIS VIDEO WILL REVEAL IT."
NO.
BY DEFINITION, 41,000 HOURS OF FOOTAGE CAN BE EDITED TO SAY
WHATEVER YOU WANT.
LOOK AT THESE GOOD SAMARITANS REPAIRING THAT WINDOW WITH A
SHIELD!
[LAUGHTER] AND NOW THEY'RE PEACEFULLY
LEAVING THE CAPITOL.
COULD EVEN MAKE THE Q SHAMAN SEEM PEACEFUL:
[SOUND EFFECT] Stephen: BUT HEY, IF HE GETS
TO DO IT.
SO CAN WE.
WHICH IS WHY I TOOK WHAT SEEMED LIKE 41,000 HOURS OF FOX NEWS
FOOTAGE TO REVEAL THE TRUTH ABOUT TUCKER CARLSON:
"GOOD EVENING.
I'M TUCKER CARLSON.
I BEHAVE LIKE A JERK BECAUSE I AM A JERK.
EVERYONE HATES ME.
MY SHOW IS A REAL PROBLEM IN AMERICA.
I AM A RACIST.
I AM A SMALL, BACKWARD HERMIT.
AND I ALSO EAT DOGS.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] Stephen: THE WORST PART OF
THIS IS THAT TUCKER DOESN'T EVEN BELIEVE THE LIES HE'S PEDDLING
ABOUT JANUARY 6TH.
LAST WEEK, WE LEARNED THAT FOX NEWS STARS AND EXECUTIVES
PRIVATELY TRASHED THE FORMER PRESIDENT'S ELECTION FRAUD
CLAIMS.
EVEN THOUGH CALLING THE ELECTION RIGGED WAS FOX'S BREAD AND
BUTTER!
THIS IS LIKE IF I HAD A PRIVATE DIARY THAT SAID,
LORD OF THE RINGS "SUCKS!" "LOL WHAT'S A "BILBO?"
[LAUGHTER] LIKE IF I DID NOT CARE IF
BALROGS HAVE WINGS OR NOT.
IT'S A LONG STORY.
THESE REVELATIONS CAME COURTESY OF DOMINION VOTING SYSTEMS, WHO
FILED A MOTION IN THEIR "$1.6 BILLION DEFAMATION LAWSUIT
AGAINST FOX NEWS FOR FALSELY CLAIMING THEY RIGGED THE 2020
ELECTION."
$1.6 BILLION!
EVEN FOR RUPERT MURDOCH, THAT'S A LOT OF CASH.
HE MIGHT HAVE TO GO ON THE AIR AND SELL REVERSE MORTGAGES.
[LAUGHTER] SOME OF THE MOST DAMAGING TAX
COME FROM A CHAIN BETWEEN TUCKER CARLSON, SEAN HANNITY, AND LAURA
INGRAHAM, IN WHICH THEY REPEATEDLY INSULTED AND MOCKED
THE EXPRESIDENT'S ADVISERS, INCLUDING RUDY GIULIANI.
EVEN FOX THINKS HE'S A JOKE.
THAT IS THE MOST EMBARRASSING NEWS ABOUT RUDY TO LEAK SINCE
RUDY LEAKED.
[LAUGHTER] GOT THERE.
OLDIE, BUT A GOODY.
ONE OF THE MAIN SOURCES OF THE THE FORMER PRESIDENT'S LAWYER
AND MOM WHO TOOK AN EDIBLE BEFORE SHE WENT TO SUNGLASS HUT,
SIDNEY POWELL.
IN THE WAKE OF THE 2020 ELECTION, POWELL APPEARED ON FOX
NEWS AND FOX BUSINESS AT LEAST A DOZEN TIMES TO PROMOTE WILD LIES
ABOUT DOMINION VOTING MACHINES.
SO THE NETWORK ASKED FOR HER SOURCE.
AND, SIDNEY POWELL, WHEN PRESSED FOR EVIDENCE, FORWARDED A MEMO
ENTITLED "ELECTION FRAUD INFO."
WE ALL KNOW THE BEST SOURCE OF INFORMATION IS "EMAIL FORWARDS."
THAT'S THE ONLY WAY I LEARNED THE "101 WAYS THAT CATS ARE
BETTER THAN MEN."
THE MEMO WASN'T WRITTEN BY POWELL, BUT HER SOURCE WAS
IMPECCABLE.
THE MEMO'S AUTHOR CLAIMS TO KNOW THAT DOMINION WAS THE COMMON
THREAD IN ALL IRREGULARITIES.
HOW DID SHE DISCOVER THAT?
ACCORDING TO HER: SHE GAINS INSIGHTS FROM
EXPERIENCING SOMETHING "LIKE TIME-TRAVEL IN A SEMICONSCIOUS
STATE."
[LAUGHTER] OH MY GOD, SHE CAN TIME TRAVEL?
[LAUGHTER] MAYBE SHE CAN FIX ALL OF THIS BY
GOING BACK IN TIME TO STOP BABY RUDY GIULIANI FROM TRYING
MERLOT!
[APPLAUSE] TWO RUDIES.
IT GETS WEIRDER THAN TIME TRAVELING IN A SEMICONSCIOUS
STATE.
THE MEMO'S AUTHOR WRITES, "WHO AM I?
AND HOW DO I KNOW ALL OF THIS?
I'VE HAD THE STRANGEST DREAMS.
I WAS INTERNALLY DECAPITATED, AND YET, I LIVE."
"YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF, HOW DID I GET HERE?
AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF, THIS IS NOT MY BEAUTIFUL HOUSE.
YOU MAY SAY TO YOURSELF, THIS IS NOT MY INTERNALLY DECAPITATED
HEAD!" ELSEWHERE IN THIS MEMO-- WHICH
I REMIND YOU IS THE SOLE SOURCE OF SYDNEY POWELL AND FOX NEWS'S
DOMINION VOTING MACHINE LIES, WHICH DIRECTLY LED TO THE ATTACK
ON THE CAPITOL-- THE AUTHOR SAYS, QUOTE, "THE WIND TELLS ME
I'M A GHOST, BUT I DON'T BELIEVE IT."
OF COURSE, YOU CAN'T TRUST THE WIND!
EVERYONE KNOWS THE WIND BLOWS.
YOU CAN'T BELIEVE A THING THE WIND SAYS TILL YOU VERIFY IT
WITH EARTH AND FIRE.
WHEN SIDNEY POWELL FORWARDED THIS MEMO TO FOX BUSINESS ANCHOR
MARIA BARTIROMO, BARTIROMO HAD A VERY LOGICAL REACTION TO GETTING
A PACKET OF INSANE LIES: SHE SHARED IT WITH THE PRESIDENT'S
SON, AND REPLIED GLOWINGLY TO POWELL, "I JUST SPOKE TO ERIC
AND TOLD HIM YOU GAVE VERY IMPORTANT INFO."
"THANKS MARIA TONY-ROMO!
I GOT THE MEMO AND I KNOW IT'S VERY IMPORTANT BECAUSE I CAN
DEFINITELY READ IT!
UNRELATED QUESTION: WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU SWALLOW A PAPERCLIP?
I DON'T FEEL GOOD!
CAN I HAVE A HUG?" WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT, MY GUESTS ARE PINK AND STAR OF THE NEW "ANTMAN" AND
"CREED" MOVIES, JONATHAN MAJORS.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, "MEANWHILE!"
♪ ♪ Stephen: WELCOME BACK.
GIVE IT UP FOR LOUIS KATO AND "THE LATE SHOW" BAND!
WE HAVE A POWER PACK SHOW, A POWER PACK SHOW TONIGHT, A YOUNG
LADY WHO I HAVE GREAT HOPES FOR IN THE MUSIC INDUSTRY, HER NAME
IS PINK!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] REAL PROMISE.
SHE HAS REAL PROMISE.
AND THEN COME OF THIS IS MUCH THE COMING MAN HERE,
JONATHAN MAJORS FROM "AND MAN AND THE WASP" AND "CREED III,"
RIPPED, SHREDDED, CHARMING, FANTASTIC.
IF YOU WATCH THE SHOW, YOU KNOW THAT I SPEND MY TIME IN THE NEWS
KITCHEN TO FIND THAT A TOPICAL GANDER WITH SAGE AND CELERY SALT
BEFORE LEAVING IT OVER A MAPLE AND PECAN WOOD FIRE HELD AT
220 DEGREES FAHRENHEIT UNTIL I AM READY TO SERVE YOU THE
FLAWLESSLY SMOKED GOOSE THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE, BUT SOMETIMES,
JUST SOMETIMES I CRASH MY GETAWAY ZAMBONI INTO A CULVERT
BY THE PORT AFTER SKIDDING OVER A RABID
SKUNK, DOUSE IT WITH THE HALF-A-CHOLULA PACKET IN MY
PANTS AND SOME PINE NEEDLES TO OFFER YOU THE OUTLAW ROADKILL OF
NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT: "MEANWHILE,"
NEVER FAILS RIGHT THERE, ETERNAL AND EVERGREEN.
ACCORDING TO A NEW STUDY, SNAKES CAN HEAR YOU
SCREAM.
OH, THAT'S GOOD.
THEY JUST DON'T CARE.
[LAUGHTER] MEANWHILE, WE HERE AT MEANWHILE
INDUSTRIAL SMELTING AND VENDING MACHINE REPAIR SOMETIMES
ENCOUNTER SO MANY DONG-FOCUSED STORIES THAT WE COLLECT THEM ALL
IN OUR MEANWHILE SUB-SEGMENT: PEENWHILE.
PEENWHILE, ARCHAEOLOGISTS HAVE DISCOVERED WHAT THEY BELIEVE TO
BE THE "FIRST ROMAN DILDO."
[LAUGHTER] IT BELONGED TO ROME'S MOST
ICONIC EMPEROR, "JULIUS PLEASE HER"
[LAUGHTER] THANK YOU.
LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT THE DILDO.
NOW THAT IS SOME MUSEUM QUALITY WOOD.
FUN FACT: THAT DILDO WENT ON TO BE USED BY MICKEY MANTLE TO WIN
THE 1956 WORLD SERIES.
APPARENTLY, THE PHALLUS IS 16 CENTIMETERS LONG BUT,
RESEARCHERS SAY, IT WAS PROBABLY LARGER BECAUSE ARCHAEOLOGICAL
WOOD IS PRONE TO SHRINKAGE.
ALSO SPLINTERS.
[LAUGHTER] PEENWHILE, ACCORDING TO A NEW
STUDY, THE AVERAGE PENIS LENGTH HAS INCREASED OVER THE PAST 30
YEARS.
MAKES SENSE.
30 YEARS AGO WAS THE END OF THE COLD WAR.
[LAUGHTER] BEFORE YOU GET TOO EXCITED, YOU
SHOULD KNOW THAT RESEARCHERS FEAR THE PHALLIC INFLATION IS
DUE TO UNHEALTHY HABITS, LIKE BINGING JUNK FOOD.
THEN AMERICANS SHOULD BE THE MOST ENDOWED MEN ON THE PLANET.
[LAUGHTER] WE INVENTED SUPERSIZING.
AND THE BIG GULP.
- MEANWHILE, RESEARCHERS ARE - -
[APPLAUSE] THAT'S WHY WE ARE ON AT 11:35.
MEANWHILE, RESEARCHERS ARE TURNING TAXIDERMIED BIRDS INTO
DRONES, WHICH COULD POTENTIALLY BE A VERY USEFUL ESPIONAGE TOOL
BECAUSE IT WILL LOOK MORE LIKE THE REAL THING AND, HOPEFULLY,
IS MORE INCLINED TO BE IGNORED.
MAYBE IGNORED BY SPY TARGETS, BUT WHAT ABOUT OTHER BIRDS?
"OH MY GOD!
PHIL?
WE THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD, HEY EVERYBODY, PHIL'S BACK!
PHIL?
IT'S ME MARY!
I LOVE YOU PHIL.
DON'T YOU RECOGNIZE THE KIDS?" [LAUGHTER]
GOT KIND OF DARK THERE AT THE END, DIDN'T IT?
11:35.
MEANWHILE, A POWER OUTAGE AT KENNEDY AIRPORT LAST WEEK FORCED
A NEW ZEALAND-TO-NEW YORK FLIGHT TO TURN AROUND, CAUSING
PASSENGERS TO SPEND "16-PLUS HOURS IN THE AIR ONLY
TO LAND RIGHT BACK WHERE THEY STARTED."
THERE HASN'T BEEN AN AIR TRAVEL HORROR STORY LIKE THAT SINCE
WHATEVER SPIRIT IS DOING RIGHT NOW.
[LAUGHTER] WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH PINK.
Stephen: WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY.
YOU KNOW MY FIRST GUEST AS A THREE-TIME GRAMMY AWARD-WINNING
MUSICIAN WHO HAS SOLD OVER 135 MILLION RECORDS WORLDWIDE AND
WHOSE HITS INCLUDE "RAISE YOUR GLASS," "JUST GIVE ME A REASON,"
AND "WHAT ABOUT US."
PLEASE WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW," PINK.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] ♪ ♪
Pink: HI!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] ♪ ♪
Stephen: IT IS REALLY LOVELY TO MEET YOU FOR THE FIRST
I AM SO HAPPY TO BE HERE.
I LOVE YOU.
I WANT TO CLONE YOU 50, 60, 70 TIMES, WE NEED MORE OF YOU IN
THE WORLD.
Stephen: THAT IS LOVELY TO SAY.
WE NEED MORE OF YOU TOO, I WAS AT THE GRAMMYS IN 2009, I THINK
AND YOU DID LIKE A SILK-- WHAT ARE THOSE CALLED?
Pink: THEY CHANGE THE DRESS CODE AFTER THAT.
Stephen: BECAUSE YOU WEREN'T WEARING ENOUGH?
Pink: A WHOLE LOT OF BUTT.
Stephen: REALLY, I REMEMBER IT BEING A FINE PERFORMANCE.
I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU DOING ALL OF THAT, NONE OF IT IS AUDIO TRACK,
YOU ARE SINGING WITH ALL OF THAT PHYSICALITY.
Pink: YES, I STARTED AS A GYMNAST, AND HAD REALLY BAD
ASTHMA AS A KID, SO HAD TO DO A LOT OF DIAPHRAGMATIC BREATHING
AS PRACTICE TO SURVIVE, AND WORKED OUT FOR ME.
Stephen: I MEAN, HERE YOU ARE, HERE ARE SOME OF THE WORK.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] WE CAN SEE THAT.
LOOK AT THAT!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] IS IT DANGEROUS?
Pink: YEAH.
Stephen: IT LOOKS DANGEROUS.
Pink: I WAS PREGNANT IN THAT PICTURE.
I HAD A BABY IN MY BELLY.
Stephen: WELL, I AM IMPRESSED.
Pink: THINKS.
Stephen: YOU JUST RELEASED YOUR NEW ALBUM.
Pink: "TRUSTFALL."
Stephen: YOUR NINTH ALBUM, "TRUSTFALL" RIGHT THERE.
TELL ME-- WHAT DOES "TRUSTFALL" MEAN?
Pink: OH, LORD, "TRUSTFALL" I FEEL LIKE ALL OF US ARE
WALKING AROUND SORT OF WITH THIS LOW-LEVEL TRAUMA AND OUR BODIES,
AND IT TAKES A LOT OF TRUST TO BE A HUMAN BEING THESE DAYS, TO
GET OUT OF BED IN THE MORNING, GO TO WORK AND DROP YOUR KIDS
OFF AT SCHOOL AND GO TO PUBLIC PLACES AND PARTICIPATE IN
ELECTIONS AND HAVE A VAGINA.
IT JUST TAKES A LOT OF TRUST.
AND I KNOW A LOT OF TEENAGERS ALSO, AND I JUST THINK A LOT OF
PEOPLE HAVE ANXIETY, A LOT OF KIDS HANG HAVE ANXIETY, AND ALL
OF US FEEL LIKE WE ARE FALLING BACKWARDS AND WE DON'T KNOW
WHERE THE GROUND IS.
AND THAT'S A TRUST FALL.
AND I PUT A LOT OF FAITH IN THE UNIVERSE AND THE PEOPLE AROUND
ME, AND MYSELF.
YOU HAVE TO ASK YOURSELF, WHAT IS WORTH FALLING FOR, AND WHO IS
SUPPOSED TO CATCH YOU, OR DO YOU CATCH YOURSELF?
A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
Stephen: ONE OF THE HARDEST THINGS TO LEARN, AND IT TOOK ME
A LONG TIME TO LEARN AND IF THIS HAS ANYTHING TO DO WITH WHAT
YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT IS THAT IT TAKES TIME TO LEARN THAT-- IT
ISN'T EASIER TO LIVE IN TRUST AND VITALITY AS OPPOSED TO FEAR
AND MORBIDITY, IT'S JUST BETTER.
IT'S JUST AS HARD, BUT IT IS ACTUALLY WITH THE BETTER
OUTCOME.
Pink: I AGREE.
Stephen: AND IT'S HARD TO KNOW UNTIL YOU MAKE THAT
DECISION.
Pink: I DON'T BELIEVE IN FEARLESSNESS, THAT'S JUST A
CATCHPHRASE, I BELIEVE THEM REAL FEAR AND NOT LETTING IT DIVERT
YOU OR MAKE YOUR CHOICES FOR YOU.
Stephen: THAT IS WHY COURAGE IS A VIRTUE.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] SO YOU HAVE INCREDIBLE
COLLABORATORS ON THIS, CHRIS STAPLETON--
HOW DID YOU PUT TOGETHER THIS GROUP?
Pink: STILL LUCKY.
I HAVE NO IDEA.
IT SOUNDS DUMB, BUT I JUST CALLED THEM UP.
[LAUGHTER] I AM A FAN, I AM A FAN.
I LOVE THE LUMINAIRES.
I LOVE FIRST AID KIT.
I LOVE CHRIS STAPLETON.
WHEN HE DID THE NATIONAL ANTHEM, I WANTED TO REACH THROUGH THE TV
AND JUST SMACK THEM ACROSS THE FACE.
Stephen: BECAUSE IT WAS TOO GOOD.
Pink: IT WAS TOO GOOD.
Stephen: THAT'S RIGHT.
Pink: HE IS THE MOST HUMBLE GUYIN THE ROOM.
HE IS LIKE IS THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
YOU WANT ME TO DO IT AGAIN.
I'M LIKE YEAH, CHRIS, THAT WAS WHAT I WANTED.
YOU CAN GO NOW.
ALSO, I NEED TO A BLANKET.
Stephen: NOW, YOUR KID SAYING ON THE ALBUM, DID THEY
NOT?
Pink: YES.
Stephen: IS THAT SOMETHING YOU ARE ENCOURAGING, DO YOU WANT
THEM TO BE IN THE MUSIC BUSINESS?
Pink: THEY ARE ALWAYS WITH ME, THEY WILL EITHER SING OR BE
ON THEIR iPAD.
BUT THEY DON'T WANT TO.
IF YOU HEARD JAMISON AT THE END OF NEVER GOING TO--
YOU WOULD HEAR-- AGAIN, I'M LIKE YOU ARE KILLING IT, BUDDY!
BUT NO, THEY ASK WILLOW, OH, BECAUSE SHE HAS A BEAUTIFUL
VOICE.
AND SHE IS LIKE OH, GOD NO.
I DON'T WANT TO BE A SINGER.
AND I'M LIKE WHY CAN'T YOU ANSWER IT LIKE THAT?
I WOULD LOVE HER TO BE A LAWYER FOR THE ACLU, I BELIEVE SHE
COULD PASS THE BAR EXAM NEXT WEEK.
Pink: SHE IS NINE?
Stephen: SHE IS 11.
SHE IS ALWAYS RIGHT.
AND I AM LIKE, THAT IS NOT THE POINT, I AM IN CHARGE, I THINK.
Stephen: A LAWYER, YOU WOULD BE A GOOD JUDGE.
Pink: I WANT HER TO CHANGE THE WORLD AND ALSO BAIL OUT HER
MOTHER WHO MIGHT BE A D.J. AND VEGAS.
[LAUGHTER] James: WE HAVE TO TAKE A
QUICK BREAK, WE WILL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE PINK, EVERYBODY.
STICK AROUND.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] ♪ ♪
Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY, WE ARE BACK WITH THE ARTIST BEHIND
THE NEW ALBUM "TRUSTFALL"!
YOU KNOW HER, YOU LOVE HER, IT'S PINK!
YOU HAD SUCCESS FOR SO LONG, YOUR DEBUT ALBUM IN 2,000 AND AT
DOUBLE PLATINUM IF I AM NOT MISTAKEN, AND YOU HAVE HAD
CONTINUING ACCESS SINCE THEN, WHAT-- WHAT IS YOUR OPINION OF
THE MUSIC INDUSTRY HAVE AFTER HAVING BEEN IN IT FOR A COUPLE
OF DECADES, DO YOU HAVE THOUGHTS ON--
THAT OTHER PEOPLE WHO ARE STARTING OUT IN THE INDUSTRY
COME SOME WISDOM YOU CAN APART?
Pink: I HATE PEOPLE THAT GIVE ADVICE.
Stephen: HOW ABOUT JUST EXPERIENCE?
Pink: THAT IS REALLY HARD, BECAUSE I GOT A RECORD DEAL WHEN
I WAS 16, IT WAS 1996, AND THE BUSINESS WAS COMPLETELY
DIFFERENT.
THERE WAS ARTIST DEVELOPMENT.
THERE WERE RECORD LABELS, RECORD COMPANIES WERE A PLACE, NOT JUST
AN IDEA.
AND I ALSO HAD THE BENEFIT OF NOT HAVING A RECORD COME OUT FOR
FOUR YEARS.
AND DID NOT PUT A RECORD OUT UNTIL I WAS 20.
SO I SIGNED IN A GROUP, WE MADE AN ENTIRE RECORD, ONE SHOWCASE,
WE WERE ABSOLUTELY TERRIBLE, THE GROUP GOT SHELVED, VERY LONG
STORY, BUT I THEN RENEGOTIATED MY OWN NEW CONTRACT AT 17 FOR AN
OUTFIT FROM BB.
Stephen: THAT IS WHAT YOU GOT, ONE OUTFIT.
Pink: I REALLY WANTED THAT OUTFIT.
Stephen: DO YOU STILL HAVE IT?
Pink: NO, BUT IT WAS LIKE A VELVET CATSUIT.
Stephen: OF COURSE, TOTALLY WORTH IT.
Pink: THE BUSINESS IS TOTALLY DIFFERENT, HOW IT IS NOW
IT IS REALLY COOL THAT THERE ARE A LOT OF PEOPLE THAT CAN GO A
LOT OF DIFFERENT WAYS, THERE IS NO FORMULA.
I THINK IT IS REALLY INTERESTING THE WAY THAT PEOPLE ARE COMING
AT THINGS.
Stephen: BECAUSE THEY CAN DO IT FOR THEMSELVES?
Pink: BECAUSE THEY CAN DO IT FOR THEMSELVES, IT DOES NOT
HAVE TO BE IN A FORMULA WAY.
BUT WHAT I DID WAS OKAY, I AM OBVIOUSLY NOT GOING TO BE THE
POPULAR ONE.
I'M NOT GOING TO BE THE PRETTY ONE.
I'M NOT GOING TO SELL PERFUME, SO, I MEAN, I AM FUNNY.
[LAUGHTER] Stephen: YOU DO NOT HAVE A
SCENT?
DO YOU NOT HAVE A SCENT?
Pink: I DO NOT HAVE A SCENT.
Stephen: WE NEED TO CHANGE THAT.
I WOULD BUY YOUR PERFUME.
Pink: IT WOULD BE LIKE GLITTER AND SMELLED LIKE SADNESS
AND REGRET.
[LAUGHTER] Stephen: SADNESS AND REGRET
BY PINK.
IT WOULD SELL LIKE HOT CAKES.
I'M TELLING YOU.
WHAT ARE YOU PERFORMING FOR US TONIGHT?
Pink: "WHEN I GET THERE."
Stephen: WHY IS THIS A SONG YOU COULD NOT HAVE WRITTEN?
Pink: BECAUSE LOSING A PARENT IS SOMETHING YOU CAN'T
IT-- IT' LIKE WHEN YOU TELL PEOPLE, LIKE WHEN YOU HAVE A
CHILD, OR IF YOU HAVE A CHILD, IT JUST GOES BY SO FAST, NOBODY
KNOWS WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT UNLESS YOU HAVE DONE IT.
WHEN YOU LOSE A PARENT, IT FEELS LIKE A SUITCASE YOU WILL BE
UNPACKING FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE, AND I HAVE NOT PULLED MINE
OUT FROM UNDER THE BED.
Stephen: AM SORRY, WHAT PARENT DID YOU LOSE?
Pink: MY FATHER.
AUGUST OF ' 21.
Stephen: AND RECENT.
Pink: THE SONG WAS A GIFT FOR ME.
I WAS SO RELIEVED FOR HIM, HE WAS FINALLY OUT OF PAIN, HE HAD
CHRONPAIN ALL OF HIS LIFE AND HD CANCER FOR EIGHT YEARS AND I WAS
JUST RELIEVED FOR HIM.
HE HAD A REALLY INTERESTING DECK OF CARDS DEALT AND I ASKED WHAT
HE WANTED TO COME BACK AS, AND HE SAID, WELL, I'M A PILOT,
HONEY, SO MAY BE A BIRD OF FLIGHT.
MAYBE A CANNIBAL CHIPMUNK.
[LAUGHTER] AND I WAS LIKE I THINK THAT'S
THE MORPHINE TALKING.
[LAUGHTER] AND THEN I WENT CAMPING AND
THERE WAS A CHIPMUNK AND I WAS LIKE YOU GUYS DON'T GO NEAR THE
CHIPMUNK.
Stephen: THE NEW ALBUM IS "TRUSTFALL," AND STICK AROUND
FOR A PERFORMANCE BY PINK!
WE WILL BE RIGHT BACK WITH STAR OF
THE NEW "ANTMAN" AND "CREED" MOVIES, JONATHAN MAJORS.
♪ ♪ Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY,
WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW"!
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
MY NEXT GUEST STARS AS THE NEW VILLAIN OF THE MARVEL CINEMATIC
UNIVERSE IN "ANT-MAN AND THE WASP: QUANTUMANIA."
YOU'LL ALSO SEE HIM NEXT MONTH OPPOSITE MICHAEL B.
JORDAN IN "CREED III."
PLEASE WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW," JONATHAN MAJORS!
♪ ♪ [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
Stephen: WOO!
HAPPY MARDI GRAS.
Jonathan: IT'S VERY EXCITING.
Stephen: NICE TO HAVE YOU ON HERE.
Jonathan: PLEASURE TO BE HERE.
Stephen: I AM A FAN "THE HARDER THEY FALL" FANTASTIC
PERFORMANCE.
I LOVED YOU AS HE WHO REMAINS, REALLY LOOKING FORWARD TO
"CREED III" AND "ANT-MAN AND THE WASP: QUANTUMANIA" WHICH I HAVE
NOT SEEN THE END.
LET'S GET TO SOMETHING REALLY IMPORTANT HERE.
YOU BROUGHT YOUR OWN MUG OUT, WE HAVE THIS MUG FOR YOU, AND YOU
BROUGHT YOUR OWN.
IT'S VERY INTERESTING, I LIKE IT.
BUT I AM NOT THE FIRST PERSON TO WONDER ABOUT THIS.
HERE'S AN ARTICLE IN "GQ" MAGAZINE, WHY IS JONATHAN MAJORS
ALWAYS CARRYING AROUND A LITTLE CUP?
BECAUSE THAT'S NOT JUST TONIGHT, YOU ALWAYS HAVE THE LITTLE CUP.
IS IT ALWAYS A SANE?
Jonathan: THERE ABOUT FOUR IN ROTATION.
Stephen: VARIATIONS ON THE THING.
Jonathan: THREE HAVE HANDLES, ONE DOES NOT.
I'VE BEEN DOING THIS, I AM 33 YEARS OLD, I'VE BEEN DOING IT
SINCE I LEFT MY MOTHER'S HOUSE WHEN I WAS 18.
Stephen: DID SHE GIVE YOU A CUP?
Jonathan: SHE DID NOT GIVE ME A CUP, IT WAS A WORD OF
ADVICE, SHE WAS SO TERRIFIED OF THE CIRCUS THAT I ADJOINED.
Stephen: SHOWBIZ.
AND THE CIRCUS.
Jonathan: YOU HAVE NOT HEARD ABOUT THIS?
Stephen: WERE YOU IN THE CIRCUS?
Jonathan: NO.
NO, SHE WAS VERY CLEAR, SHE WAS VERY CLEAR ABOUT SAFETY.
SHE WOULD SAY NO DRINKING, NO DRUGS, NO SEX, EVERY TIME I LEFT
THE HOUSE.
GETTING ON THE PLANE TO COLLEGE, I'D HAD TO SAY NO DRINKING, NO
DRUGS, NO SEX, BEFORE I GOT THROUGH SECURITY.
SHE SAID, BABY, WATCH YOUR CUP, WATCH OR GLASS.
AND I KEPT TO THAT IN MIND, AND COMING OUT FOR SAFETY, BUT WHAT
THAT MEANT.
Stephen: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
Jonathan: NOW IT MEANS MIND YOUR CUP, YOU ARE A VESSEL,
NOBODY CAN FILL YOU UP, NOBODY CAN POUR YOU OUT, YOU DO THAT
YOURSELF.
SO HOLDING ONTO THIS AS A REMINDER THAT EVEN IN THIS
CRAZINESS HAPPENING, YOU KNOW, MY SELF-ESTEEM IS MY
SELF-ESTEEM.
NOBODY CAN MAKE ME, NOBODY CAN PICK ME UP AS IT WERE OR TEAR ME
DOWN.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] Stephen: I LIKE IT.
OKAY, SO YOU BECAME THE NEW SUPER BILLION OF MCU, IN
"ANT-MAN AND THE WASP: QUANTUMANIA," AND THERE IS
A FIGURINE OF VIEW THAT HAS BEEN MADE AS CAIN, AND MY
UNDERSTANDING IS YOU HAVE NOT SEEN YOUR FIGURINE YET.
Jonathan: NO.
Stephen: HOLD ON, SO IT IS BEHIND THIS CARD RIGHT HERE.
SO READY?
Jonathan: READY!
[LAUGHS] [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
WOW.
Stephen: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOURSELF?
Jonathan: WOW!
Stephen: WOULD YOU HAVE PLAYED WITH YOU?
[LAUGHTER]
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
Jonathan: YES, I ABSOLUTELY WOULD GET THIS GUY.
I WOULD BE IN TOYS 'R' US LIKE HEY, MOM, HOW MANY YARDS DO I
HAVE TO CUT TO GET THIS GUY?
Stephen: THAT IS A SIGNIFICANT MOMENT IN AMERICAN
CULTURE, YOU ARE A TOY!
Jonathan: I AM A TOY.
YES, IT'S COOL.
THE BICEPS ARE A LITTLE-- [LAUGHTER]
Stephen: A LITTLE THIN.
THEY ARE A LITTLE THIN.
I HAVE TO SAY, PART OF ME, I DID NOT MEAN, CONSENT IS SO
IMPORTANT.
I'M SORRY.
I'M SO SORRY ABOUT THAT.
Jonathan: THIS IS FABULOUS.
Stephen: SO THIS IS BASICALLY THE KANG GET UP?
Jonathan: THAT IS THE GUY.
Stephen: WHAT WAS IT LIKE TO PUT IT ON, WHAT DOES THAT DO
TO SEE YOURSELF AS KANG?
Jonathan: IT WAS AN EVENT, MAN.
IT WAS A VERY SERIOUS BUSINESS.
YOU KNOW?
I SAW IT, EVERYONE-- I KNEW WHAT THE RESPONSIBILITY, THE
POTENTIAL WAS AT LEAST.
YOU DO YOUR TRAINING COMING INTO YOUR COSTUME FITTINGS, ALL OF
THAT.
BUT WHEN IT IS ALL DONE AND YOU PUT IT ON, THERE IS NO STEPPING
BACK.
ONCE YOU HAVE DONE IT, YOU HAVE DONE IT.
AND YOU ARE IN IT.
AND I REMEMBER PUTTING IT ON AND I PUT IT ON AND I WAS LIKE OH!
NOW WE ARE KANG-9G THIS IS IT.
AND EVERYTHING YOU DO AND THAT COSTUME IS KANG.
THERE'S A RESPONSIBILITY TO THAT.
THERE IS A PLAYFULNESS.
AND IT'S A MOMENT I WILL NEVER FORGET.
DEFINITELY UP THERE ON MY JOURNEY.
Stephen: WE HAVE A CLIP OF YOU AS KANG COME AS YOU KNOW
WHAT THI IS?
DO YOU NEED TO SET IT UP IN SOME WAY?
YOU ARE TALKING TO "ANT-MAN" AND HIS DAUGHTER.
Jonathan: YES, THOSE ARE THE PEOPLE IN THE MOVIE.
Stephen: SO FAR, 2 FOR 2.
THEY ARE LIKE HE IS IN SOME SORT OF CHAMBER HERE.
Jonathan: THIS IS THE TOP OF THE FILM.
THIS IS KANG'S ENTRANCE.
YOU WILL SEE, BUT HE IS ABOUT TO ADDRESS SCOTT LANGE AND CASEY
LANG, AND THEY ARE IN A COMPROMISE POSITION.
I NEED TO GET OUT OF HERE, BECAUSE I KNOW HOW IT ENDS.
HOW WHAT ENDS?
ALL OF IT.
I DON'T LIVE IN A STRAIGHT LINE.
AND WITH TIME IT IS HARD NOT TO SKIP TO THE END.
SO IF YOU WANT TO STOP WHAT'S COMING, AND TRUST ME, YOU DO, I
AM THE ONLY SHOT YOU HAVE.
SO DO WE HAVE A DEAL?
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] Stephen: NOW THIS IS NOT
THE ONLY FILM WE ARE EXCITED ABOUT.
THERE IS "CREED III"!
I WILL TELL YOU THIS RIGHT NOW, THERE YOU ARE UP AGAINST
MICHAEL B. JORDAN, A FORMER "PEOPLE'S" SEXIEST MAN ALIVE.
FORMER.
AND I WANT TO POINT OUT TO THAT IN "ANT-MAN," YOU ARE UP AGAINST
ANOTHER FORMER "PEOPLE'S" SEXIEST MAN ALIVE.
NOW YOU HAVE-- YOU HAVE MEASURED YOURSELF AGAINST BOTH
OF THE SEXIEST MAN ALIVE, DO YOU THINK YOU HAVE A SHOT?
Jonathan: WHAT IS VERY CLEAR TO ME IS THAT I AM INDEED
THE GATEWAY TO BECOMING THE SEXIEST MAN ALIVE.
Stephen: WORK WITH YOU, AND THAT'S WHAT IT IS.
IT IS A CONTACT SEXY.
Jonathan: SEXIEST MAN ALIVE!
Stephen: WATCH WHERE YOU POINT THAT THING, I AM A MARRIED
MAN.
LOVELY TO MEET YOU, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING HERE!
"ANT-MAN AND THE WASP: QUANTUMANIA" IS IN
THEATERS NOW, AND "CREED III" OPENS ON MARCH 3RD!
JONATHAN MAJORS, EVERYBODY!
WE WILL BE RIGHT BACK WITH A PERFORMANCE FROM PINK!
Stephen: NOW PERFORMING "WHEN I GET THERE" FROM HER ALBUM,
"TRUSTFALL," PINK.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] ♪ ♪
♪ I THINK OF YOU WHEN I THINK ABOUT FOREVER ♪
♪ I HEAR A JOKE AND I KNOW YOU WOULD'VE TOLD IT BETTER ♪
♪ I THINK OF YOU OUT OF THE BLUE ♪
♪ WHEN I'M WATCHING A MOVIE THAT YOU'D HATE ♪
♪ YOU'D SAY IT, YOU WERE NEVER ONE TO HESITATE ♪
♪ YOU WERE ALWAYS FIRST IN LINE ♪
♪ SO WHY WOULD IT BE DIFFERENT FOR HEAVEN? ♪
♪ BUT I GOT A COUPLE QUESTIONS ♪ ♪ IS THERE A BAR UP THERE WHERE
YOU'VE GOT A FAVORITE CHAIR? ♪ ♪ WHERE YOU SIT WITH FRIENDS AND
TALK ABOUT THE WEATHER? ♪ ♪ IS THERE A PLACE YOU GO TO
WATCH THE SUNSET? ♪ ♪ AND, OH, IS THERE A SONG YOU
JUST CAN'T WAIT TO SHARE? ♪ ♪ YEAH, I KNOW YOU'LL TELL ME
WHEN I GET THERE, HMM ♪ ♪ DO YOU THINK OF ME?
DO YOU WISH THAT I WOULD SLOW DOWN? ♪
♪ ARE THERE SOME THINGS THAT YOU'VE SEEN THAT FEEL LIKE HOME
NOW? ♪ ♪ ARE YOU UP THERE CLIMBING
TREES, SINGING BRAND NEW MELODIES? ♪
♪ I HOPE YOU ARE, I KNOW YOU ARE ♪
♪ IS THERE A BAR UP THERE WHERE YOU'VE GOT A FAVORITE CHAIR? ♪
♪ WHERE YOU SIT WITH FRIENDS AND TALK ABOUT THE WEATHER? ♪
♪ IS THERE A PLACE YOU GO TO WATCH THE SUNSET? ♪
♪ AND, OH, IS THERE A SONG YOU JUST CAN'T WAIT TO SHARE? ♪
♪ YEAH, I KNOW YOU'LL TELL ME WHEN I GET THERE ♪
♪ YEAH, YEAH, YOU'LL TELL ME WHEN I GET THERE ♪
♪ WILL YOU SAVE ME A PLACE WITH ALL THOSE PEARLS OF WISDOM? ♪
♪ YEAH, I'LL MAKE SOME MISTAKES AND YOU'LL WATCH ME AS I LIVE
THEM ♪ ♪ 'TIL I'M THROUGH, 'TIL I'M
WITH YOU ♪ ♪ IS THERE A BAR UP THERE WHERE
YOU'VE GOT A FAVORITE CHAIR? ♪ ♪ WHERE YOU SIT WITH FRIENDS AND
TALK ABOUT, TALK ABOUT THE WEATHER? ♪
♪ IS THERE A PLACE YOU GO TO WATCH THE SUNSET? ♪
♪ AND, OH, IS THERE A SONG YOU JUST CAN'T WAIT TO SHARE? ♪
♪ YEAH, I KNOW YOU'LL TELL ME WHEN I GET THERE, YEAH ♪
♪ I THINK OF YOU WHE I THINK ABOUT FOREVER ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] Stephen: THANK YOU!
PINK, EVERYBODY!
GOOD NIGHT!