THE U.S. COMPANY THAT MANUFACTURES THE ED PILL,
VIAGRA, HAS CUT OFF SUPPLIES TO RUSSIA OVER ITS WAR IN UKRAINE,
FORCING RUSSIAN AUTHORITIES TO ESTABLISH "DOMESTIC PRODUCTION
OF GENERIC FORMS OF VIAGRA." [SPEAKING RUSSIAN]
Announcer: IT'S "THE LATE
SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT." TONIGHT...
PREZ GETS PHYSICAL. FIRST, STEPHEN WELCOMES...
REVEREND AL SHARPTON AND JESSICA WILLIAMS.
WITH A SPECIAL APPEARANCE BY HARVEY GUILLEN.
FEATURING LOUIS CATO AND "THE LATE SHOW" BAND.
AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER
IN NEW YORK CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT.
Stephen: THANK YOU. NICE TO SEE YOU.
HAPPY THURSDAY. HAPPY THURSDAY.
HAPPY, HAPPY, HAPPY THURSDAY. THAT'S RIGHT, HEY, EVERYBODY.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH. THANK YOU, THOMAS.
THDOWN HERE. THAT'S PLEASANT.
THANK YOU, THANK YOU VERY MUCH. WELCOME YOU'RE WELCOME, ONE AND
ALL IN HERE COME OUT THERE, ALL AROUND THE WORLD TO THE "THE
LATE SHOW." I'M IT CAN BE HARD TO BELIEVE
BUT I'M GETTING A LITTLE I'M 58.
PRETTY GOOD SHAPE. BUT BLOOD PRESSURE'S
A LITTLE HIGH. SO MY DOCTOR'S GOT ME
A STRICT REGIMEN TO LOWER MY STRESS LEVEL.
8 HOURS OF SLEEP, STAY HYDRATED, AND DO NOT BE
PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES. EVIDENTLY BIT OF A STRESSFUL
JOB. THAT'S WHY IT'S IMPORTANT
THAT THE COMMANDER IN CHIEF STAY HEALTHY.
SO TODAY JOE BIDEN HAD HIS ANNUAL PHYSICAL.
IT WAS A CLEAN BILL OF HEALTH, ALTHOUGH HIS X-RAY DID REVEAL
SEVERAL CLASSIFIED DOCUMENTS. GOTTA LOOK EVERYWHERE.
NEXT, COLONOSCOPY. THE PRESIDENTIAL PHYSICAL
IS PRETTY THOROUGH. THEY DO A COLONOSCOPY,
BLOOD TESTS, AND AS PART OF THE DENTAL EXAM, BIDEN PULLS
AIR FORCE ONE WITH HIS TEETH. PHYSICIANS SAID THEY'D BE
CHECKING OUT BIDEN'S EYES, HEARING, AND "ANYTHING ELSE
HE MAY COMPLAIN ABOUT." ANYTHING ELSE
HE MIGHT COMPLAIN ABOUT? THE MAN IS 80.
I HOPE YOU PACKED A LUNCH. "OKAY, MR. PRESIDENT.
JUST TO RECAP: YOUR LEFT KNEE TINGLES BEFORE IT RAINS,
HOW COME THE CLOCK ON MY PHONE DOESN'T TICK, THEY DON'T
PUT REAL BUTTER ON THE POPCORN AT THE MOVIES ANYMORE,
AND THE DINER'S CHARGING TWICE WHAT THEY USED TO FOR A NICE
PLATE OF SCROD." GOT IT.
NOW, HERE'S THE THING: WE DON'T HAVE THE FULL RESULTS
YET, BUT WE DO KNOW THAT THE PRESIDENT TESTED POSITIVE FOR
"OLD AF." BECAUSE BIDEN IS THE OLDEST
PRESIDENT EVER, SETTING A NEW RECORD EVERY MORNING.
YES. EVERY DAY HE WAKES UP,
A NEW RECORD. THERE'S GUY FROM THE GUINNESS
BOOK WITH A PLAQUE THAT SAYS THAT SAYS "STILL ALIVE."
BIDEN'S AGE IS JUST A NUMBER BUT IT IS IMPORTANT,
BECAUSE HE'S EXPECTED TO ANNOUNCE A RE-ELECTION BID
SOON. SO HIS ADVISERS HAVE A PLAN
TO KEEP HIM LOOKING SPRY. REPORTEDLY, THEY WANT TO
FOCUS ON EVENTS THAT PLAY UP THE PRESIDENT'S VITALITY.
WHICH IS WHY BIDEN WILL BE THE KEYNOTE SPEAKER AT THIS
YEAR'S SHAMBLE-PALOOZA! SPONSORED BY VELCRO SHOES.
TO EASE HIS LOAD, BIDEN WILL LIKELY BE GETTING SOME HELP
ON THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL. ONE ADVISER SAYS "IF HE RUNS
IN 2024, THERE WILL BE A RANGE OF SURROGATES THAT SHOW THE
DIVERSITY OF THE PARTY, ALL ACROSS THE AGES,
FROM MAXWELL FROST TO BERNIE SANDERS."
YES, BERNIE SANDERS. BECAUSE NOTHING SAYS,
"I'M NOT OLD," LIKE TROTTING OUT A GUY ONE YEAR OLDER.
"LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
NO, LISTEN. I'M TELLING YOU,
I AM HERE TO URGE YOU TO VOTE FOR THAT LIMBER YOUNG
WHIPPERSNAPPER, JOE BIDEN! TURN DOWN THE BE-BOP, JOE.
STOP DOING THE CHARLESTON, JOE!
THERE, I DID YOUR LITTLE SPEECH. NOW, WHERE'S MY SOUP?"
BUT IT MIGHT BE HARD TO GET VOTERS TO IGNORE
THE RAVAGES OF TIME. BECAUSE ACCORDING TO CNN,
VOTERS BRING UP BIDEN'S AGE CONSTANTLY IN FOCUS GROUPS,
USING WORDS LIKE "BRAIN DEAD," AND "MUSH."
COME ON. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
NEVER SAY "MUSH" AROUND AN 80-YEAR-OLD MAN!
HE'LL JUST GET HUNGRY, AND DINNER'S NOT TILL 3:00!
BUT BIDEN DOESN'T WANT ANYONE-- I'M JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW MUCH
JOE BIDEN LOVES THESE JOKES. THAT'S WHAT I'M THINKING
RIGHT NOW. BUT BIDEN DOESN'T WANT ANYONE
THINKING HE'S TOO OLD FOR THE JOB, WHICH IS WHY AIDES SAY
HIS REACTION TO SEEING NEWS MENTIONS OF HIS AGE IS TO DO
A LITTLE JOG IN OR OUT OF HIS NEXT PUBLIC EVENT,
AND THAT OVERALL, "HE DOESN'T WANT TO
BE A GRANDPA. HE WANTS TO BE A BRO."
"OKAY, HERE WE GO. COME ON, LET'S GO.
HERE WE GO. HERE WEGO.
OKAY. HEY!
HEY. 'SUP?
'SUP, FAM! I'M BROSEPH BIDEN!
CAP'S ON BACKWARDS, YA PEEP MY VIBE?
LET'S BUCKLE ON OUR LEATHER HELMETS, TOSS AROUND THE
MEDICINE BALL, AND GO FOR A LITTLE JOG!
HERE WE GO. OKAY, COME ON.
LET'S GO. AW, HECK, THAT PIGEON'S
PASSING ME. COME HERE, YA RINGNECKED
RUFFIAN!" NOW...
SPEAKING OF HEALTH, EVER SINCE SAM ALITO AND THE BENCH BUNCH
OVERTURNED ROE V. WADE, REPUBLICANS ALL ACROSS THE
COUNTRY HAVE BEEN LOOKING FOR WAYS TO TRACK AND RESTRICT
ABORTION. IT BEING PRIVATE,
THAT'S NOT AN EASY TASK. BUT ONE THING THEY'VE BEEN
TARGETING IS APPS THAT HELP TRACK MENSTRUAL CYCLES.
VIRGINIA STATE SENATE PASSED A BIPARTISAN BE ABLE TO ACCESS
THESE APPS WHICH SEEMS REASONABLE WHICH IS WHY IT'S
BEING OPPOSED BY SEEN HERE NOT REALIZING
HE FORGOT TO TAKE OFF HIS PICNIC NAPKIN
BEFORE THE SPEECH. YESTERDAY, YOUNGKIN BLOCKED
THE BILL THAT WOULD BAN POLICE FROM SEEKING MENSTRUAL
HISTORIES. THAT'S A CLEAR INVASION
OF PRIVACY. THE ONLY PERSON WHO SHOULD KNOW
WHEN SOMEONE IS MENSTRUATING IS THAT PERSON AND THE WOMAN
SHE MAKES DISCREET EYE CONTACT WITH BEFORE EXCHANGING A TAMPON,
AND THEN GOING ON TO WIN THE LACROSSE GAME!
I ONLY KNOW WHAT I SEE IN COMMERCIALS.
STAFFERS FOR THE GOVERNOR CLAIM HE KILLED THE BILL BECAUSE IT
THREATENED THE ABILITY OF LAW ENFORCEMENT TO INVESTIGATE
CRIME. OH, YES, THERE IS A LOT OF
MENSTRUAL CRIME IN THIS COUNTRY. YOU CAN SEE IT ALL ON THE NEW
HIT CBS DRAMA, NCPMS. WHO WAS IN THAT?
GARY COLE? GOOD TO SEE HIM GETTING WORK.
THIS FEBRUARY 24TH WILL MARK ONE YEAR SINCE VLADIMIR PUTIN
THOUGHT HE COULD TAKE UKRAINE IN THREE DAYS.
AND A YEAR LATER, HE'S LOSING JUST AS HARD AS EVER.
IN FACT, A NEW ESTIMATE SAYS THAT SINCE THE WAR STARTED,
RUSSIA HAS LIKELY LOST MORE THAN HALF ITS TANKS.
I ASSUME THAT MEANS DESTROYED, BECAUSE IT'S GOTTA BE HARD
TO LOSE A TANK. "DAMMIT, VASILY!
WAS IT LEVEL F OR LEVEL G?" IT'S NOT JUST MILITARY SUPPLIES
THAT ARE DWINDLING, BECAUSE WE LEARNED YESTERDAY THAT DUE TO
ECONOMIC SANCTIONS FROM THE WEST, RUSSIA'S VIAGRA SUPPLY
HAS BEEN CUT OFF. SO EVEN THE TANKS THEY STILL DO
HAVE LOOK LIKE THIS. RUSSIA'S GOT A PLAN, THOUGH.
THE KREMLIN IS NOW SCRAMBLING TO COMMISSION GENERIC ERECTION
PILLS. IN FACT, THE GOVERNMENT SAYS
THEY ALREADY HAVE ONE IN DEVELOPMENT.
WARNING... IS POTATO.
OF COURSE, THERE'S PLENTY OF CRISES RIGHT HERE AT HOME.
ON FEBRUARY 3RD, THERE WAS A HORRIFIC TRAIN DERAILMENT
IN EAST PALESTINE, OHIO, THAT IS POTENTIALLY
ONE OF THE WORST ENVIRONMENTAL DISASTERS IN THE NATION'S
HISTORY. WHEN THIS NORFOLK SOUTHERN
FREIGHT TRAIN DERAILED, IT SPILLED 1.1 MILLION POUNDS
OF SOMETHING CALLED VINYL CHLORIDE,
AN INCREDIBLY TOXIC CARCINOGEN, WHICH IS ALSO HIGHLY EXPLOSIVE.
SO, AS A SAFETY MEASURE, NORFOLK SOUTHERN DID WHAT THEY
CALL A "CONTROLLED BURN." AND THIS IS WHAT THEY
CALL CONTROL. EVEN WORSE, THERE WERE OTHER
DANGEROUS CHEMICALS IN THE SPILL, BUT NORFOLK SOUTHERN
DIDN'T RELEASE THE FULL LIST UNTIL OVER A WEEK LATER,
ON SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 12. THEY RELEASED IT
ON SUPER BOWL! THEY WERE CLEARLY
TRYING TO BURY IT. THE ONLY LIST OF DANGEROUS
CHEMICALS YOU WANT TO READ DURING THE SUPER BOWL
IS ON THE SIDE OF YOUR DORITOS BAG.
THAT'S WHAT MAKES THE RANCH SO COOL!
FIVE DAYS AFTER THE DERAILMENT, PEOPLE WERE TOLD IT WAS SAFE
TO GO HOME, DESPITE RESIDENTS COMPLAINING OF TROUBL
BREATHING, NOXIOUS SMELLS, NAUSEA, AND HEADACHES.
OFFICIALS ARE TRYING TO GET FOLKS TO COME BACK HOME,
REASSURING RESIDENTS THE AIR IS SAFE TO BREATHE.
"PAY NO ATTENTION TO YOUR LYING LUNGS.
THE TINGLING MEANS THE AIR IS WORKING."
IN RESPONSE TO THIS DEVASTATION, THE FOLKS OVER AT NORFOLK
SOUTHERN OFFERED $25,000. THAT'S THE WHOLE TOWN.
EAST PALESTINE, OHIO, HAS ABOUT 5,000 RESIDENTS.
THAT'S 5 BUCKS PER PERSON. "SORRY FOR TURNING YOUR TOWN
INTO A LIFELESS HELLSCAPE. YOU KNOW WHAT MIGHT HELP?
A FOOTLONG AT SUBWAY." THERE YOU GO.
SENSING THAT MAYBE NOT ENOUGH, NORFOLK SOUTHERN IS NOW OFFERING
RESIDENTS $1,000 INCONVENIENCE CHECKS.
REALLY? YOU CALL THIS AN
"INCONVENIENCE"? THAT'S LIKE GIVING SURVIVORS OF
THE TITANIC A REIMBURSEMENT FOR DAMPNESS.
NORFOLK SOUTHERN, I THINK I SPEAK FOR EVERYONE WHEN I SAY,
"NORFOLK YOU." WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT, MY GUESTS ARE REVEREND AL SHARPTON AND ACTRESS
JESSICA WILLIAMS. BUT WHEN WE COME BACK,
CONGRESSMAN GEORGE SANTOS WILL BE HERE ANSWERING
MY VERY TOUGH QUESTIONS. STICK AROUND.
Announcer: "THE LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT," SPONSORED
BY LIBERTY MUTUAL INSURANCE. ONLY PAY FOR WHAT YOU NEED.
♪ ♪
Stephen: OH, HEY. SAY HELLO TO LOUIS CATO AND THE
"THE LATE SHOW" BAND RIGHT THE THERE.
GOOD TO SEE YOU. LOUIS.
LOUIS, AS A QUICK REMINDER, QUICK REMINDER.
I KNOW I DON'T HAVE TO REMIND YOU BECAUSE YOU TALK ABOUT IT
ALL THE TIME. MY LOVELY WIFE EVIE WAS ON THE
SHOW LITTLE WHILE AGO FOR VALENTINE'S DAY AND WE WERE
DOING A THING CALLED "FIRST DRAFTS."
WE ANNOUNCED THE YOU CAN GO OUT TO GET YOUR OWN LATE SHOW "FIRST
DRAFT" CARDS. I'VE GOT SIX SETS OF TWO CARDS.
SIX DIFFERENT HOLIDAYS ARE COVERED IN THESE FANTASTIC CARDS
HERE. ONE OF WHICH IS A LOVELY CARD
THAT YOU WOULD BUY FOR A LOVED ONE.
THE OTHER ONE IN THIS SET IS THE VERY BAD ONE THAT WAS THE FIRST
DRAFT. QUICK REMINDER.
ALL OF OUR PROCEEDS GO TO HELP WORLD CENTRAL KITCHEN.
GO TO ColbertLateShow.com. WE RAISED ABOUT $15,000,
SOMETHING LIKE THAT SO CONGRATULATIONS TO YOU FOR BEING
NICE PEOPLE. GO GET 'EM.
FOLKS, IF YOU WATCH THE SHOW, OR MY LAST SHOW OR FOLLOWED MY
CAREER, YOU KNOW THAT I AM A ROMAN CATHOLIC.
LENT IS RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER. AND AS A CATHOLIC, YOU'RE
SUPPOSED TO GIVE UP SOMETHING THAT'S KIND OF A TREAT,
WHICH MEANS THIS YEAR I MAY HAVE TO GIVE UP TALKING ABOUT
NEW YORK REPRESENTATIVE GEORGE SANTOS.
BECAUSE IT FEELS LIKE EVERY DAY WE LEARN A NEW OUTRAGEOUS LIE.
HE FALSELY CLAIMED TO HAVE JEWISH ANCESTRY, SAID HE WAS
A STAR VOLLEYBALL PLAYER AT THE COLLEGE HE NEVER
ATTENDED, CLAIMED HE HAD A ROLE ON "HANNAH MONTANA," AND WAS
A PRODUCER ON THE DISASTROUS SPIDER-MAN MUSICAL.
AND NOW THERE ARE ALSO NEW LEGAL CONCERNS LIKE THE FACT THAT HIS
CAMPAIGN HAS $365,000 IN UNEXPLAINED EXPENSES,
AND THAT HE WAS ONCE CHARGED WITH STEALING PUPPIES FROM AMISH
DOG BREEDERS. NOW, LISTEN.
I KNOW THAT SOUNDS REALLY BAD BUT IT'S IMPORTANT
TO REMEMBER, IT IS. YOU MAY BE ASKING, STEVE,
IS GEORGE SANTOS SORRY ABOUT ANY OF THIS?
WELL, THE ANSWER MAY CONFUSE YOU.
ARE YOU SORRY? I'VE SAID I WAS SORRY
MANY TIMES. I'VE BEHAVED AS IF I'M SORRY.
WHEN YOU ASK, "OH, YOU HAVE NOT SHOWN REMORSE" OR "YOU DON'T
SEEM TO LOOK SORRY." I DON'T KNOW WHAT LOOKING SORRY
LOOKS LIKE. Stephen: EVIDENTLY, "LOOKING
SORRY" IS NOT ONE OF THE CLASSES THEY TEACH AT
IMAGINARY VOLLEYBALL UNIVERSITY. WELL, GIVEN...
[APPLAUSE] GIVEN HIS GROWING
MOUNTAIN OF LIES, ONGOING INVESTIGATIONS, AND FLAGGING
REPUBLICAN SUPPORT, WHO KNOWS HOW LONG
HE CAN STAY IN OFFICE? HERE TO TELL US HOW
LONG HE CAN STAY IN OFFICE: NEW YORK CONGRESSMAN
GEORGE SANTOS. CONGRESSMAN,
CONGRESSMAN SANTOS, THANKS FOR JOINING US AGAIN.
IT'S GREAT TO BE BACK ON YOUR SHOW, HANNAH MONTANA!
Stephen: I'M NOT-- OKAY.
CONGRESSMAN, I'M SURPRISED YOU AGREED TO BE HERE SINCE YOU
TWEETED OUT HOW UPSET YOU WERE WITH PEOPLE IMPERSONATING
YOU ON LATE NIGHT SHOWS. OF COURSE I'M UPSET!
DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO TURN ON THE TV AND SEE
AN ACTOR PLAYING GEORGE SANTOS WHO IS NOT ONLY MORE
BELIEVABLE THAN YOU ARE, BUT ALSO WAY MORE ATTRACTIVE?
Stephen: THAT MUST BE HARD. NOW, SINCE WE LAST
TALKED, YOU WERE ESSENTIALLY FORCED TO STEP DOWN FROM ALL
YOUR COMMITTEE ASSIGNMENTS. WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN DOING
WITH YOUR TIME? OH, SO MUCH.
I GAVE THE STATE OF THE UNION ADDRESS, SHOT DOWN THOSE SPY
BALLOONS, PERFORMED THE SUPER BOWL HALFTIME SHOW,
WHERE I REVEALED THAT I'M PREGNANT!
Stephen: MAZEL TOV? WHAT'S THAT?
I DON'T SPEAK JEWISH. Stephen: WELL, TO THAT POINT,
YOU'VE ADMITTED TO FABRICATING SOME OF YOUR BACKSTORY.
BUT YOU NEVER SEEM TO SHOW ENOUGH REMORSE ABOUT IT.
OH, COME ON, STEPHEN. WHAT DOES SORRY EVEN LOOK LIKE?
IS IT THIS? OR THIS?
OR MAYBE THIS? LL-L-L-L-L-LA.
Stephen: IT'S NOT THOSE. NOW CONGRESSMAN, I WANT TO
ASK YOU A QUESTION ABOUT YOUR PERSONAL LIFE.
WHICH ONE? Stephen: EXACTLY.
YESTERDAY THE HOUSE WAS ASKED TO INVESTIGATE YOUR SEVEN-YEAR
MARRIAGE TO A BRAZILIAN WOMAN UNDER THE SUSPICION THAT IT
WAS JUST A SHAM FOR HER TO GET HER A GREEN CARD.
WELL, AS WE SAY IN VOLLEYBALL: THAT'S A YELLOW
CARD! Stephen: REALLY?
YOU SAY IT LIKE MARIO? CONGRESSMAN, LISTEN.
I UNDERSTAND THE CONFUSION. BECAUSE YOU NOW CLAIM TO BE
MARRIED TO A MAN-- BUT THE THING IS, YOU'VE
NEVER BEEN SEEN WITH THAT MAN, AND YOU DON'T WEAR
A WEDDING RING. SO WHAT EXACTLY IS
YOUR MARITAL STATUS? OH, STEPHEN!
STEPHEN, STEPHEN. HOW DARE YOU ASK ME THAT
ON MY WEDDING DAY? Stephen: WHO ARE YOU
MARRYING NOW? I DON'T KNOW.
I JUST WANTED TO REGISTER SO I CAN GET THIS
AIR FRYER. THESE THINGS ARE BULKY.
BULKY TO STEAL. Stephen: CONGRESSMAN,
AT THIS POINT EVEN SOME REPUBLICANS ARE BACKING AWAY
FROM YOU. AREN'T YOU WORRIED ABOUT FACING
A HOUSE ETHICS INVESTIGATION? BRING ON THE ETHICS
INVESTIGATION. THEY WON'T FIND ANYTHING.
Stephen: REALLY? NO WRONGDOING?
NO. NO "ETHICS."
Stephen: OKAY. WELL, I BELIEVE THAT.
THERE YOU GO. I BELIEVE THAT.
ESPECIALLY CONSIDERING THE CRIMINAL CHARGE THAT YOU STOLE
PUPPIES FROM AN AMISH DOG BREEDER.
MORE LIES FROM THE AMISH MEDIA!
I NEVER STOLE ANY PUPPIES. Stephen: BUT THERE IS
CLEAR EVIDENCE. THERE ARE MULTIPLE CHECKS WITH
YOUR NAME ON THEM TO THE AMISH DOG BREEDER.
HOW CAN YOU CLAIM TO BE INNOCENT?
OH, I HAVE TWO LITTLE EYEWITNESSES RIGHT HERE!
WHOSE GONNA TESTIFY FOR ME? STOLEN PUPPY NUMBER ONE?
OR NUMBER TWO? Stephen: THEY ARE VERY
ADORABLE. YOU WANT 'EM?
YOU CAN HAVE THEM FOR $365,000. I'LL EVEN THROW IN AN AIR FRYER!
Stephen: I DON'T NEED AN AIR FRYER.
NO. I MEAN, GIVE ME THE MONEY
OR I'LL THROW THEM IN AN AIR FRYER.
Stephen: OKAY, I'M SORRY I EVER ASKED YOU ON.
AND I DON'T SEE HOW YOU COULD POSSIBLY BOUNCE BACK FROM
ALL OF THIS CONTROVERSY. EASY, STEPHEN.
WITH A BIG MUSICAL NUMBER FROM MY BROADWAY SHOW,
"SPIDERMAN: TURN OFF THE DARK." HIT IT!
Stephen: DON'T HIT IT, LOUIS. STILL HIT IT, LOUIS!
[SINGING TO THE TUNE OF "OKLAHOMA"]
OOOOOOOOOOOO-SPIDER MAN
WHERE THE LIGHTS GO TURNING OFF THE DARK!"
Stephen: REPRESENTATIVE SANTOS, EVERYONE!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH THE REVEREND AL SHARPTON.
♪ ♪
♪ GONNA KEEP ON WALKING, GONNA KEEP ON TALKING ♪
Stephen: WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW."
MY FIRST GUEST TONIGHT HAS SPENT HIS ENTIRE LIFE FIGHTING FOR
CIVIL RIGHTS. HE'S NOW THE SUBJECT OF
THE DOCUMENTARY, "LOUDMOUTH." YOU DON'T HAVE NONE OF US
UNDER CONTROL. AND YOU WILL NEVER HAVE US UNDER
CONTROL AGAIN. IT FELT LIKE A VICTORY BUT
YOU KNEW THAT YOU WON A CASE AND THAT CHANGE THE SYSTEM.
I KNEW THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MOMENTS AND MOVEMENTS THAT WON.
IT WAS A GOOD MOMENTARY VICTORY. Stephen: PLEASE WELCOME
REVEREND AL SHARPTON.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] REVEREND, THANKS FOR BEING
HERE. Reverend Sharpton:
THANK YOU FOR HAVING ME. Stephen: YOU ARE TALKING IN
THAT QUOTE, THAT QUOTE ABOUT MOMENTARY VICTORIES AND ONGOING
BATTLES. YOU JUST CAME BACK FROM FLORIDA,
FROM AN EVENT DOWN THERE PROTESTING THE ATTEMPTS TO BAN
BLACK HISTORY FROM CLASSROOMS IN FLORIDA.
DO YOU HAVE A MESSAGE FOR DeSANTIS AND OTHERS WHO ARE
TRYING TO CONTROL THAT CURRICULUM?
Reverend Sharpton: I THINK THAT WE ARE TO HAVE THE COUNTRY
TO BECOME THE NATION THAT IT PROPOSES TO BE, WE NEED TO KNOW
EVERYBODY'S HISTORY AND WE NEED TO CELEBRATE EVERYBODY'S HISTORY
AND NOT CENSOR IT. WHAT THE GOVERNMENT IS TRYING TO
DO, GOVERNOR DeSANTIS, HE IS TRYING TO USE CULTURAL WAR TO
RUN FOR PRESIDENT, US AGAINST THEM.
I'M GOING TO DO THIS TO THE LGBTQ COMMUNITY.
I'M GOING TO DO THIS WITH WOMEN'S RIGHTS.
I'M GOING TO SEND MIGRANTS OUT OF FLORIDA TO MARTHA'S VINEYARD.
I'M GOING TO DECIDE WHAT MAKES WHITES UNCOMFORTABLE AND BLACK
HISTORY RATHER THAN SAYING BEFORE WE LEARN ABOUT THE TRUTH
ABOUT ALL OF US, IT BRINGS US ALL TOGETHER.
IT IS SUPPOSED TO BE THE UNITED STATES.
HE THINKS BECAUSE HIS MENTOR AND POLITICAL DADDY, DONALD TRUMP,
USED RACE TO GO INTO POLITICS. DON'T FORGET DONALD TRUMP
STARTED WITH BIRTHERRISM. HE IS TRYING TO USE THE RACE
WEDGE THAT BABY TRUMP, THAT YOU CALL DeSANTIS, TRYING TO
USE BLACK HISTORY MONTH TO RUN FOR PRESIDENT SOME OF US IS
SAYING THAT OUR HISTORY IS TOO IMPORTANT TO US TO LET THAT
HAPPEN. [APPLAUSE]
Stephen: ARE YOU SURPRISED, AGAIN, TALKING ABOUT MOMENTARY
VICTORIES AND ONGOING BATTLES, ARE YOU SURPRISED THAT IN THIS
CASE CRITICAL RACE THEORY, OR CRT, IS ITS ABBREVIATED, IS JUST
BEING USED AS SORT OF A CATCH-ALL FOR ANYTHING THAT
PEOPLE DON'T LIKE ON THE FARTHEST RIGHT REACHES OF THE
REPUBLICAN PARTY? EVERYTHING GETS DUMPED IN THERE,
THE BYWORD FOR DIVISIVENESS. ARE YOU SURPRISED THAT IT'S
BEING USED AS QUITE SUCH A CULTURAL?
Reverend Sharpton: I'M NOT AS SURPRISED AS I AM TRYING TO
DRAMATIZE WITH HAPPENING. THAT'S WHY WE DID THAT MARCH
YESTERDAY, THE RALLIES, I THINK THE SURPRISE I THINK THEY HAVE
IS THAT MANY PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT COMMUNITIES ARE NOW BEGINNING TO
COME TOGETHER. I REMEMBER WHEN GEORGE FLOYD
HAPPENED AND I WENT TO DO THE FUNERAL AND WORK WITH THE FAMILY
AND SOME OF THE RALLIES AND MARCHES.
I WENT TO SOME RALLIES, THERE WERE MORE WHITES THAN BLACKS,
SAYING THAT THIS IS WRONG. I REMEMBER THERE WAS A WHITE
17-YEAR-OLD YOUNG MAN IN A PLACE CALLED DB ARKANSAS KILLED BY
POLICE, HIS FAMILY CALLED ME AND ATTORNEY BEN CRUMP TO COME IN.
I PREACHED AT HIS FUNERAL, THEY DON'T PUT THAT ON RIGHT WING
NEWS. I WON'T CALL THEIR NAME BECAUSE
I DON'T ADVERTISE ON YOUR PLATFORM MY ADVERSARIES.
Stephen: NO FREE RIDES. Reverend Sharpton: NO FREE
RIDES. YOU AND I ARE GOING TO HAVE TO
TALK ABOUT ME COMING OUT AFTER CONGRESSMAN SANTOS.
BUT THAT'S ANOTHER TIME. PEOPLE ARE COMING TOGETHER MORE
THAN THEY WOULD HAVE EVER FELT, WHICH IS WHY JOE BIDEN BEAT
TRUMP. NOT BECAUSE OF A DEMOCRAT.
PEOPLE DON'T WANT THE DIVISION. PEOPLE AROUND AMERICA DON'T
AGREE WITH ME ON EVERYTHING THAT THEY AGREE WE ALL NEED TO TALK
AND DEAL WITH THESE ISSUES. I THINK THAT THEY OVERPLAYED
THEIR HANDS IN TERMS OF THIS DIVISIVENESS.
TRUMP WAS PRESIDENT FOR FOUR YEARS IT WAS ALWAYS PLAYING THIS
POLARIZATION. I THINK PEOPLE ARE SICK AND
TIRED OF IT. [APPLAUSE]
Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE A QUICK BREAK.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE AL SHARPTON.
STICK AROUND.
Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY.
IT'S THE REVEREND AL SHARPTON. SUBJECT TO THE NEW DOCUMENTARY
"LOUDMOUTH." YOU MENTIONED SPEAKING AT
GEORGE FLOYD'S FUNERAL. HE ALSO SPOKE AT TYRE NICHOLS,
ERIC GARNER, DAUNTE WRIGHT, AND THOSE OF US WHO ARE NOT
INTIMATELY INVOLVED, DON'T KNOW THE FAMILIES, CAN LOOK AT THIS
AND FEEL IGNORED TO THE HORROR OF IT.
HOW DO YOU STAY CONNECTED TO ANY KIND OF HOPEFUL MESSAGE THAT YOU
CAN BRNG TO THOSE WHO ARE IN PAIN, SOME SORT OF WAY, IN A
FRESH WAY, TO SOOTHE THE BATTERED SOULS OF THOSE WHO
BRUTALITY? HOW DO YOU KEEP THAT EULOGY
HONEST? Reverend Sharpton: YOU
KNOW, IT IS HARD. YOU SAY TO OURSELVES, HERE WE GO
AGAIN. AND YOU SAY TO YOURSELF, WHAT
CAN I SAY. THE ANSWER BECOMES, THAT YOU
NEED TO GO AND ENCOURAGE THEM TO GIVE MEANING.
YOU CAN'T GIVE THE LIFE BACK OF THEIR LOVED ONE BUT YOU CAN SAY,
WE NEED TO FIGHT TO MAKE SURE THIS DOES NOT CONTINUE TO
HAPPEN. THESE FAMILIES DIDN'T ASK TO
BECOME PUBLIC FIGURES I CHOSE WHAT I DO.
I LOVE WHAT I DO AND I FEEL I WAS CALLED TO DO IT.
THEY DIDN'T. I TELL MY DAUGHTERS ALL THE
TIME, I ASK GOD IN MY PRAYER, I AM VERY MUCH--
DON'T LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT. YOU SHOULD BE PRAYING TOO.
Stephen: EVERY DAY. Reverend Sharpton: ALL DAY
EVERY DAY. I SAY WHY DOES THIS KEEP
HAPPENING. ONE DAY A MINISTER SAID TO ME
GOD ANSWERED YOUR PRAYER. HE SAID WHAT'S THAT?
HE SENT GOD ASKED, I SHOULD BE ASKING YOU WHY DOES IT KEEP
HAPPENING? WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO STOP IT?
GOD IS NOT GOING TO COME DOWN AND STOP US FROM DOING THESE
THINGS. WE HAVE TO DO IT THAT'S WHAT
GIVES ME THE STRENGTH TO GO TO THESE FUNERALS AND SAY WE NEED
TO LOOK AT THIS AND FIGHT TO STOP THIS AND THESE FAMILIES
HAVE HELPED US TO DO THAT. GEORGE FLOYD HAPPENED.
PEOPLE MARCHED ALL OVER THE WE COULDN'T GET THE GEORGE FLOYD
FEDERAL ACT THROUGH, JUSTICE AND POLICING ACT THROUGH THE SENATE.
GOT IT THROUGH THE HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES.
PRESIDENT BIDEN SIGNED AN EXECUTIVE ORDER WHICH IS WHAT
LINCOLN DID WITH THE EMANCIPATION PROCLAMATION.
THERE IS SOME INCREMENTAL STEPS. BEING THAT I GREW UP BEING
TRAINED BY PEOPLE IN THE CIVIL RIGHTS MOVEMENT, IT TOOK FROM
THE BUS BOYCOTT OF ROSA PARKS AND MARTIN LUTHER KING IN '55 TO
'64 TO GET THE CIVIL RIGHTS ACT. IT'S NOT SOMETHING IS GOING TO
HAPPEN OVERNIGHT. LOOK AT HOW LONG GAYS HAD TO
FIGHT TO GET RESPECTED FOR LGBTQ RIGHTS.
IF YOU'RE LOOKING FOR A QUICK HASHTAG, YOU SHOULDN'T BE IN THE
MOVEMENT. YOU SHOULD BE ENTERED FOR FOR
THE LONG RUN. YOU SHOULD BE IN IT FOR THE LONG
RUN. [APPLAUSE]
Stephen: LET'S GET INTO THIS DOCUMENTARY CALLED
"LOUDMOUTH." DO YOU LIKE THAT TITLE?
Reverend Sharpton: I'LL BE HONEST.
THE PRESIDENT OF MOTOWN RECORDS CAME TO ME AND SAID THERE'S A
YOUNG WHITE DIRECTOR NAMED JOSH ALEXANDER WHO I HAVE TALKED TO.
WANTS TO DO A DOCUMENTARY. HE SAID JOHN LEGEND, THE
ENTERTAINER SAID HE WOULD BE THE EXECUTIVE PRODUCER.
THEY WANT TO STUDY HOW MEDIA HAS TREATED YOU FROM WHEN YOU
STARTED IN YOUR TEEN YEARS IN THE '80s TO ALL THE WAY TO NOW
WHEN YOU'RE IN A DIFFERENT KIND OF PLACE AND THE AMERICAN
PSYCHE. HE SAID THREE THINGS I WANT TO
TELL YOU BEFORE YOU AGREE. I SAID OKAY, WHAT IS THAT?
HE SAID ONE, YOU HAVE NO EDITORIAL CONTROL, NO RIGHT TO
PUT IN OR TAKE OUT ANYTHING. THE DIRECTOR, YOUNG WHITE GUY
FROM SAN FRANCISCO, JOSH ALEXANDER, HE'S GOING TO DIRECT
IT. YOU CAN'T CHOOSE A DIFFERENT
DIRECTOR. THREE ARE GOING TO CALL IT
"LOUDMOUTH." I SAID I CAN LIVE WITH THE FIRST
TWO. LET ME THINK ABOUT THE OTHER.
I CALLED HIM THE NEXT DAY AND I SAID YOU KNOW WHAT, MANY OF THE
CIVIL RIGHTS GUYS BEFORE ME, MARTIN LUTHER KING AND OTHERS,
CAME FROM THE SOUTH WHERE YOU COULD DO A RALLY, PASS OUT
FLYERS. I WAS BORN AND RAISED IN
BROOKLYN, NEW YORK. WE HAD TO COMPETE WITH BROADWAY
LIGHTS, TIMES SQUARE, BROADWAY PLAYS.
SOMETHING HAPPENING ALL THE TIME.
YOU HAD TO BE LOUD IN NEW YORK. YOU HAD TO DO OUTRAGEOUS STUFF
TO GET ATTENTION. THEN ONCE YOU GOT THE ATTENTION,
THEN YOU COULD FOCUS ON THE ISSUE.
YOU HAD TO KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH IT IN A WAY THAT YOU COULD LEAD
THE CHANGE SO YEAH, CALL IT "LOUDMOUTH" SO PEOPLE CAN
UNDERSTAND WHY I WAS ALLOWED. PEOPLE WOULD TALK ABOUT, I
REMEMBER HIM IN TRACK SUITS AND LOUD.
THAT'S HOW WE WERE ABLE TO GET A LOT OF THE ISSUES DOWN AND I
WORE TRACKSUIT BECAUSE A LOT OF TIMES WE WOULD MARCH.
WE WOULD END UP GETTING ARRESTED.
I WASN'T GOING TO WEAR MY GOOD SUIT TO JAIL.
[APPLAUSE] Stephen: THE DOCUMENTARY
"LOUDMOUTH" PREMIERES ON BET AND VH1 ON THE 25TH.
REVEREND AL SHARPTON, EVERYBODY. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH ACTRESS
JESSICA WILLIAMS. STICK AROUND.
♪ ♪
Stephen: LITTLE LIGHTS ON. WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY.
YOU KNOW MY NEXT GUEST FROM "2 DOPE QUEENS,"
THE "FANTASTIC BEASTS" SERIES, AND "LOVE LIFE."
SHE NOW STARS IN THE APPLE TV+ SERIES, "SHRINKING."
PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW,"
JESSICA WILLIAMS. ♪ ♪
SO LOVELY TO SEE YOU. OH, MY GOD, YOU LOOK FANTASTIC.
Jessica: THANK YOU SO MUCH. I LOVE COMING OUT TO A LITTLE
SUGAR RAY. Stephen: I FEEL
UNDERDRESSED. YOU LOOK SO LOVELY.
Jessica: I APPRECIATE THAT. THANK YOU SO MUCH.
IT DID TAKE A LOT OF TIME TO GET IN THE DRESS.
Stephen: YOU HAD TO BE LOWERED INTO A QUESTION MARK
Jessica: I HAD TO MAKE SURE I WAS MOISTURIZED SO MY MOM
DIDN'T GET MAD AT ME FROM HOME. Stephen: SO YOU ARE DEWY A
AF. Jessica: YES.
NICE TO SEE YOU, FELLOW CORRESPONDENT.
Stephen: DO YOU MISS THAT? Jessica: IT'S HARD.
ESPECIALLY WHEN I WAS THERE WE WERE WATCHING THE NEWS 24/7.
I STARTED THAT SHOW AND I WAS 22.
IT WAS FELT LIKE I WAS IN GRAD SCHOOL.
Stephen: THAT'S WHAT I DIDN'T REALIZE WHEN I FIRST MET
YOU OVER THERE. SUCH A SELF-POSSESSED AND MATURE
PERFORMER, I DIDN'T KNOW YOU ARE THAT YOUNG.
Jessica: YEAH. I DON'T THINK THE DAILY SHOW
REALLY KNEW I WAS THAT YOUNG. Stephen: YOUNGEST PERFORMER
EVER HIRED OVER THERE. Jessica: YEAH.
Stephen: OKAY. BUT THAT IS THE PAST.
YOU ARE NOW PLAYING GABBY, A THERAPIST ON THE APPLE TV+ SHOW
"SHRINKING," FANTASTIC CAST. GREAT CREATORS AND GREAT CASPER
JASON SEGEL, HARRISON FORD. THAT SOUNDS LIKE IT WOULD BE A
FUN GROUP OF PEOPLE TO HANG WITH.
IS IT? Jessica: IT WAS A BLAST.
I SIGNED ON BECAUSE THE SHOW WAS CREATED BY BILL LAWRENCE AND I
WAS A BIG FAN OF "SCRUBS." IT WAS SORT OF A NO-BRAINER AND
I WAS A FAN OF JASON'S IN THE DAY AFTER I SAID IT WAS-- I
SAID I WAS DOING IT, HARRISON FORD.
Stephen: YOU MADE THE DIFFERENCE.
I AM IN. Jessica: JESSICA WILLIAMS.
I AM IN. Stephen: THAT WAS A SPOOKY
HARRISON FORD. Jessica: I HAVEN'T DONE IT
IN A WHILE. Stephen: THERE IS A FAIR
AMOUNT OF IMPROVISATION. DID YOU HAVE FUN IMPROVISING
WITH HARRISON FORD AND JASON SEGEL?
Jessica: I HAD A BLAST. I PLAY GABBY, ONE OF THE THREE
PEOPLE AT THIS PRIVATE PRACTICE. SHE DEFINITELY BALANCES OUT THE
TWO GENTLEMEN. GABBY IS SORT OF THE BRIGHT
LIGHT THAT ADDS A LITTLE BIT MORE SPIRIT.
TO BE ABLE TO IMPROVISE IN THOSE PARAMETERS, ESPECIALLY WITH
THOSE TWO, I FELT VERY FREE. AND THEN FOR ME, I JUST TOOK ME
A WHILE TO GET USED TO HARRISON FORD'S FACE IN GENERAL.
Stephen: BECAUSE HE IS HARRISON FORD.
Jessica: TOTALLY. I REALIZED I HAVE KNOWN ABOUT
HIM SINCE I WAS BORN BASICALLY. YOUR NAME IS JESSICA.
YOU KNOW WHO HARRISON FORD IS? [LAUGHS]
Stephen: YOU ARE AN AMERICAN.
OF COURSE YOU KNOW WHO HARRISON FORD'S.
Jessica: IT DID TAKE ME A MINUTE TO BE LIKE "OH, WHILE
BACK. THAT'S HIM.
THAT'S HARRISON FORD." Jessica: THIS IS YOU AND A
CAR, ANYTHING I NEED TO KNOW BEFORE WE DROPPED THE NEEDLE?
Jessica: THEY ASKED ME WHAT SONGS I WOULD LIKE TO SING WITH
HARRISON FORD AND THIS IS ONE OF THEM.
YEAH, I'M EXCITED TO SEE YOU. COME BY THE OFFICE AND THEN
WE'LL GO OVER TO THE APARTMENT. ALL RIGHT, SEE YOU THEN.
BYE, SWEETHEART. WHO IS YOUR SWEETHEART?
IS SHE A SEXY BITCH? IT'S MY DAUGHTER.
SINCE M DIVORCE I'VE BEEN TRYING TO THINK OF SOME NEW
THINGS. TRYING SOME NEW THINGS.
IS SHE SINGLE. CAN WE PLAY THAT SONG I LIKE?
♪ EVERY MORNING THERE'S A HALO HANGING OVER THE CORNER OF MY
GIRLFRIENDS 4-POST BED ♪ ♪
Stephen: YOU GOT TO CHOOSE
THAT SONG? Jessica: I SURE DID.
I GAVE THEM A LIST. I GAVE BILL LAWRENCE A LIST.
NEIL, THE EXECUTIVE PRODUCER. "ONE-WEEK" BY THE BARE NAKED
LADIES. "OCEAN AVENUE" BY YELLOW CARD
AND "DRIVE ME CRAZY" BY BRITNEY SPEARS AND THEN I THINK
"BUTTERFLY" BUT I THINK CRAZY TOWN?
I HAD A FEW. Stephen: WHO PICKED THIS?
Jessica: THAT WAS THE ONE HE AGREED TO DO, HARRISON.
Stephen: DID HE KNOW IT? Jessica: NO.
I THINK HE LIKED IT ENOUGH AND I THINK ANYBODY WAS SURPRISED THAT
HE KNEW EVERY WORD WHEN HE SHOWED UP TO SET.
HE'S A REALLY HARD WORKER. HE IS HARRISON FORD.
Stephen: YOU PLAY A THERAPIST.
ARE YOU A FAN OF THERAPY? Jessica: YEAH, I LOVE
THERAPY. I'VE HAD THE SAME THERAPIST FOR
MAYBE EIGHT, NINE YEARS, HERE IN NEW YORK.
I MOVED OUT HERE TO DO "THE DAILY SHOW" IN MY PATTER EVER
SINCE AND MY BRAIN IS ALWAYS GOING AND I TRY TO TREAT IT LIKE
A CAR. I WANT TO DO THE MAINTENANCE A
WHILE AGO AS OPPOSED IF THE CAR BREAKS DOWN WHEN I TRY TO FIX
IT. IT'S A LOT MORE EXPENSIVE.
I TRY. [APPLAUSE]
THANK YOU THAT WAS WHEN THE REASONS WHY WANTED TO DO
"SHRINKING" BECAUSE I WANTED, WITH GABBY, I WANTED HER TO BE
THE KIND OF THERAPIST PEOPLE WANTED TO SEEK OUT AND FIND.
I THINK SHE'S REALLY COLORFUL, VERY EXPRESSIVE.
Stephen: BASED AT ALL ON YOUR THERAPIST?
Jessica: NO, NOT AT ALL. I DON'T KNOW THAT MUCH ABOUT MY
THERAPIST. I WISH I DID.
I'M ALWAYS TRYING TO DEDUCE WHAT HER LIFE IS SECRETLY.
SOMETIMES SHE WILL LET IT SLIP EVERY NOW AND THEN.
SHE WILL BE LIKE YEAH, I USED TO BE IN A GIRL BAND WAY BACK WHEN.
WHAT? YOU USED TO BE A DRUMMER?
ONE TIME HERE A FEW YEARS AGO I RAN INTO HER AT AN OLIVE OIL
SHOP AND I COMPLETELY DISASSOCIATED FROM MY BODY.
SHE FREAED OUT TOO. IT WAS A NIGHTMARE.
Stephen: THAT IS WORSE THAN SENIOR TEACHER AT THE
GROCERY STORE. Jessica: 100%.
SHE KNOWS MY PROMISE, MY FEARS, MY TRIUMPHS.
EVERYTHING THAT WE ARE BOTH THERE WITH A LITTLE BIT OF
OLIVE OIL. Stephen: DO YOU THINK THAT
YOU WOULD BE A GOOD THERAPIST? Jessica: I THINK I WOULD BE
A GREAT THERAPIST. Stephen: WHAT DO YOU THINK
THAT SAYS ABOUT YOU? Jessica: THAT I AM
POWER-HUNGRY LITTLE BIT. Stephen: A GOOD ERA FOR
STRAIGHT? POWER-HUNGRY?
Jessica: I LOVE TO METTLE. I LIKE MICROMANAGING AND GETTING
PEOPLE TO KISS AND WHOO-HOO TOGETHER IN MY GAME.
Stephen: I WOULD TELL MY PATIENTS ABOUT THAT.
I WANT TO MICROMANAGE YOU. Jessica: I LIKE BEING IN
EVERY BODY'S BUSINESS. Stephen: JESSICA, LOVELY TO
SEE YOU. Jessica: THANK YOU.
Stephen: "SHRINKING" IS CURRENTLY STREAMING ON
APPLE TV+. IT'S JESSICA WILLIAMS,
EVERYBODY. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
Stephen: THAT'S IT FOR "THE LATE SHOW," EVERYBODY.
TUNE IN NEXT WEEK WHEN MY GUESTS WILL BE BERNIE SANDERS,
PINK, AND NAS. NOW STICK AROUND FOR JAMES.
GOOD NIGHT. ♪ ♪