THIS MORNING, THE BIDEN
ADMINISTRATION IS UNDER INCREASING PRESSURE TO FIND MORE
INFORMATION ON THOSE SERIES OF OBJECTS SHOT DOWN AFTER ENTERING
NORTH AMERICAN AIRSPACE. THE BRIEFER SAID THAT THEY
ARE JUST AS LIKELY, THESE THINGS THAT ARE FLOATING IN OUR
ATMOSPHERE, TO BE USED CAR BALLOONS.
[BEEPING] CAPTAIN, A MOST CURIOUS
DEVELOPMENT ON SCANNER 57. SCREEN ON, CAPTAIN.
THIS IS CAPTAIN JAMES KIRK OF THE UNITED SPACESHIP
ENTERPRISE. MAY I REQUEST YOUR TERMS
FOR SURRENDER?
[FLAPPING] FASCINATING.
Announcer: IT'S "THE LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT."
TONIGT... DARK SIDE OF BALLOON.
FIRST, STEPHEN WELCOMES... JIM GAFFIGAN.
JESSE WILLIAMS. AND MUSICAL GUEST
RAYE 070 SHAKE.
FEATURING LOUIS CATO AND "THE LATE SHOW" BAND.
AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER
IN NEW YORK CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT.
♪ ♪
Stephen: THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
HELLO. HELLO.
HAPPY WEDNESDAY. HELLO, HELLO, HELLO, HELLO.
Audience: [CHANTING]
STEPHEN! Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH. WELCOME.
WELCOME ONE AND ALL TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. MY GOODNESS.
DID YOU GET OUT TODAY? DID YOU GET OUT TODAY?
I WENT FOR A WALK. WHAT A GLORIOUS DAY
WE HAD HERE IN NEW YORK CITY. IT'S FEBRUARY 15TH,
AND IT WAS 60 DEGREES. CLIMATE CHANGE HAS ITS PERKS.
YES, WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE, BUT...
SWEATER WEATHER! OTHERWISE THERE'S NOT MUCH
GOING ON. LET'S SEE...
WHAT'S HAPPENING? OH, RIGHT, ALIENS ARE REAL,
AND THEY'RE CONQUERING OUR SKIES.
YOU MAY RECALL THAT LAST WEEKEND, THE U.S. MILITARY SHOT
DOWN THREE UNIDENTIFIED FLYING OBJECTS
IN THREE DAYS. AND ON MONDAY, THE BIDEN
ADMINISTRATION TRIED TO CONVINCE US IT WAS NO BIG WHOOP.
I DON'T THINK THE AMERICAN PEOPLE NEED TO WORRY
ABOUT ALIENS, WITH RESPECT TO THESE CRAFT.
PERIOD. I DON'T THINK THERE'S ANY
MORE THAT NEEDS TO BE SAID. Stephen: "NO ONE NEEDS
TO WORRY. PERIOD.
I HAVE NOTHING LEFT TO SAY. FULL STOP.
I'M NOT EVEN TALKING RIGHT NOW. THIS ISN'T ME.
THE END. P.S. THAT'S IT.
P.P.S. AM I DONE? NO?
OKAY, GOOD. NOW, I WOULD LIKE TO READ
A STATEMENT. PERIOD.
PERIOD. PERIOD."
OKAY, SO, FREAKOUT AVERTED. NO ALIENS.
NOTHING TO SEE HERE. IN A TOTALLY UNRELATED STORY,
MONDAY, THE UNITED STATE HAS SET UP A NEW TASK FORCE ON UFOS.
WELL, WELL. THERE'S A CO-INKY-DINK.
THAT'S LIKE YOUR FLIGHT ATTENDANT SAYING,
"ATTENTION PASSENGERS, EVERYONE IN THE COCKPIT
IS TOTALLY FINE AND CONSCIOUS. UH...
TOTALLY UNRELATED, WE ARE SETTING UP A TASK FORCE ON HOW
TO LAND A PLANE." IS ANYONE'S CARRY ON BAG
A PARACHUTE? SO FAR, THE GOVERNMENT HAS TOLD
US NOTHING ABOUT WHAT THEY SHOT DOWN.
BUT YESTERDAY SENATORS WERE GIVEN A CLASSIFIED
BRIEFING. OKAY.
CLASSIFIED. NOTHIN' TO KNOW,
BUT WE CAN'T KNOW IT. STILL, GOOD TO KNOW OUR
NATION'S LEADERS ARE ON THE CASE.
CAN WE SEE ONE OF THE SENATORS WHO WAS AT THE BRIEFING
THAT WAS DEFINITELY NOT ABOUT ALIENS?
AHHH! ALIENS!
BECAUSE... THAT'S THE PHOTO THAT KEEPS ON
GIVING. THE MEETING WAS SUPER
SECRET, SENATORS CAN'T SHARE ITS FINDINGS.
WHICH SHOULD BE EASY, BECAUSE THERE WEREN'T ANY.
SENATOR JOHN "NOT THAT JOHN KENNEDY"
KENNEDY SUMMED UP A LOT OF LAWMAKERS' FEELINGS
AFTER THE BRIEFING: THE ONLY THING
I FEEL CONFIDENT SAYING RIGHT NOW IS THAT IF YOU ARE CONFUSED,
YOU UNDERSTAND THE SITUATION PERFECTLY.
Stephen: OKAY. IN THAT CASE.
SURE. THEN I'M ALL CAUGHT UP.
SENATORS FROM BOTH PARTIES DEMANDED THAT THE ADMINISTRATION
INFORM THE PUBLIC. PRESIDENT BIDEN OWES
THE AMERICAN PEOPLE AN EXPLANATION.
IT'S EXTREMELY IMPORTANT THE BIDEN
ADMINISTRATION COMES OUT AND SAYS "HERE'S WHAT WE KNOW."
THERE IS A NEED FOR GREATER TRANSPARENCY.
Stephen: OKAY, BUT TO BE FAIR, JOE'S AN 80-YEAR-OLD
IRISH MAN. IF HE GETS ANY MORE TRANSPARENT,
YOU'RE GOING TO SEE WHAT HE HAD FOR LUNCH.
SENATOR KENNEDY ALSO DEMANDED A PRESIDENTIAL ADDRESS,
BUT HE DEMANDED IT FOLKSY-STYLE.
I UNDERSTAND THE NEED FOR NATIONAL SECURITY SECRETS
BUT NOW THAT THIS COW IS OUT OF THE BARN,
THE PRESIDENT AND THE DIRECTOR OF NATIONAL INTELLIGENCE NEEDS
TO ADDRESS IT. Stephen: THE COW
IS OUT OF THE BARN? EVIDENTLY LOUISIANA DOESN'T HAVE
CATS OR BAGS. THE COW IS OUT OF THE BARN.
THE COW IS OUT OF THE... THEN, SENATOR KENNEDY REVEALED
THAT THIS IS FAR FROM THE FIRST ENCOUNTER WE'VE HAD WITH
UNIDENTIFIED SPACE STUFF. WHITESIDE TOOK AWAY FROM THE
BRIEFING TODAY MORE SO THAN THE BRIEFING LAST WEEK
IS THAT THIS HAS BEEN GOING ON FOR A LONG, LONG, LONG
TIME. HOW LONG?
AT LEAST 2017. Stephen: SINCE 2017.
YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS? THE ALIENS WERE SINGING
"DESPACITO." HOW DOES THAT GO?
AT THE END OF HIS PRESS CONFERENCE, KENNEDY CALMED
A NERVOUS NATION WITH THESE COMFORTING WORDS.
LOCK YOUR DOORS TONIGHT. [LAUGHTER]
Stephen: LOCK YOUR DOORS. YES!
LOCK YOUR DOORS TONIGHT. THE INVADERS HAVE SPACECRAFT
THAT CROSS THE GALAXY FASTER THAN THE SPEED OF LIGHT,
BUT WE SHALL THWART THEM WITH OUR ADVANCED TECHNOLOGY
OF "KNOB." BUT THERE IS--
HEAR ME OUT-- A FRACTION OF A RICOCHET
OF AN ECHO OF A CHANCE THAT I'M WRONG AND THESE UFOS ARE
NOT EXTRATERRESTRIAL. INSTEAD, IT COULD BE THAT SINCE
NORAD DETECTED THE CHINESE SPY BALLOON, THEY HAVE CHANGED
THE SENSITIVITY OF THEIR SETTINGS OF THEIR RADAR
AND SUDDENLY THEY'RE FINDING A LOT MORE STUFF UP
IN THE IONOSPHERE. WHAT KIND OF STUFF, YOU ASK?
CBS NEWS' DAVID MARTIN HAS MORE ON THE STORY.
THERE IS A LOT OF WHAT OFFICIALS CALL "SKY TRASH"
UP THERE. Stephen: YES, SKY TRASH.
NOT ONLY A TREAT TO AVIATION, BUT ALSO THE MOTTO OF
SPIRIT AIRLINES. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
ONE HOMELAND SECURITY ADVISER TOLD GOVERNORS THAT THERE ARE
"HUNDREDS, IF NOT THOUSANDS" OF OBJECTS IN THE SKY, INCLUDING
"USED CAR LOT BALLOONS." SO NOT ONLY DID OUR AIR FORCE
GET A DIRECT HIT, THEY ALSO GOT AN INCREDIBLE DEAL
ON A PREOWNED BUICK REGAL. BUICK REGAL.
HARD WORD TO SAY. CROWN VICTORIA.
WE'VE ALSO LEARNED THAT WHEN TRYING TO TAKE DOWN THE THIRD
OBJECT, THE OCTAGONAL THING HOVERING OVER LAKE HURON ON
SUNDAY, THE FIRST SIDEWINDER HEAT-SEEKING MISSILE
MISSED THE TARGET. WELL, OF COURSE THE MISSILE
MISSED! HAVE YOU SEEN THOSE BALLOONS?
THOSE GUYS ARE LIKE NEO IN THE MATRIX!
YOU CAN'T. YOU CAN'T HIT THEM.
[APPLAUSE] HEY, DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE ROGUE
MISSILE, BECAUSE IT "LANDED HARMLESSLY" IN THE WATER.
THAT STATEMENT ISSUED BY "NOT A FISH."
ROGER A. NOT A FISH. ONE SENATOR WHO WON'T BE GETTING
BRIEFINGS MUCH LONGER IS CALIFORNIA SENATOR AND WOMAN
DISAPPOINTED THAT MAGIC MIKE DIDN'T DO ANY CARD TRICKS,
DIANNE FEINSTEIN. YESTERDAY, FEINSTEIN, WHO IS 89,
ANNOUNCED THAT SHE WOULD NOT SEEK RE-ELECTION IN 2024.
WELL, YEAH. SHE'S ALMOST 90.
SHE SHOULDN'T BE RUNNING FOR SENATE.
SHE SHOULD BE RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT.
GO GET 'EM, JOE! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
I WILL TAKE IT ANYWAY I CAN GET IT.
FEINSTEIN HAS BUILT QUITE A LEGACY.
SHE'S THE LONGEST-SERVING FEMALE SENATOR IN
U.S. HISTORY. I BELIEVE WE ACTUALLY HAVE
FOOTAGE OF FEINSTEIN REFLECTING ON HER FIRST DAY IN HE
SENATE. IT'S BEEN 84 YEARS.
Stephen: AND HER HEART WILL GO ON.
HER ANNOUNCEMENT COMES AFTER YEARS OF SPECULATION SHE MIGHT
RETIRE, WITH MANY INSIDERS WORRIED ABOUT HER MEMORY.
AND IT DID NOT HELP THAT YESTERDAY, AFTER HER OFFICE
ANNOUNCED HER RETIREMENT, SHE WAS ASKED ABOUT IT,
AND SAID THIS. OH, NO, I'M NOT
ANNOUNCING ANYTHING. Stephen: WAIT A SECOND!
SHE ANNOUNCED HER RETIREMENT AND THEN BACKTRACKED?
EITHER SHE'S HAVING MEMORY PROBLEMS OR SHE'S SIGNED
A CONTRACT WITH THE TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS.
SHE CAN TAKE A HIT. SHE CAN TAKE A LOT.
WHEN UNDERSTANDABLY CONFUSED REPORTERS PRESSED HER FURTHER
ON HER DECISION TO RETIRE, AN EQUALLY CONFUSED FEINSTEIN
PRESSED THEM FURTHER ON NOT KNOWING THAT SHE HAD
DONE THAT. I HAVEN'T MADE THAT DECISION.
I HAVEN'T RELEASED ANYTHING. IT WOULD BE MY PLA--
YOU PUT OUT THE STATEMENT? YEAH, WE PUT OUT YOUR
STATEMENT. Stephen: OOPS-A-CADABRE.
EXPLAINS THE CAKE HER STAFF GOT HER THAT SAID
"CONGRATS ON YOUR RETIREMENT!" "I'M RETIRING?"
"YES, WE PUT OUT YOUR STATEMENT."
"WHOSE STATEMENT?" "YOURS."
"MY WHAT?" "STATEMENT."
"YES, I'M PREPARING ONE." "NO, WE ALREADY PUT IT OUT!"
"THEN WHAT'S THIS CAKE FOR? IS SOMEONE RETIRING?"
SPEAKING OF CAKE, SEX.
I WAS JUST TRYING TO GET YOUR ATTENTION.
NOW THAT I HAVE IT: PORNOGRAPHY.
RECENTLY, I TOLD YOU ABOUT LOUISIANA BECOMING THE FIRST
STATE TO REQUIRE I.D. FROM RESIDENTS TO ACCESS PORN ONLINE.
SO NOW IN LOUISIANA, IF YOU DON'T HAVE AN I.D.,
THE ONLY WAY TO SEE NUDITY IS TO THROW PLASTIC BEADS
IN ANY DIRECTION. NOW, NOW.
EVIDENTLY NOW SEVEN MORE STATES ARE LOOKING AT REQUIRING I.D.
TO VIEW PORN. BUT THERE ARE SOME CONCERNS
THAT UPLOADING YOUR I.D. POSES PRIVACY RISKS BECAUSE
USERS CANNOT BE SURE WHAT WILL HAPPEN WITH THEIR DATA.
HOLD ON. YOU MEAN TELL ME
I CAN'T TRUST MY NAME, ADDRESS, AND DRIVER'S LICENSE NUMBER
TO THE MAKERS OF "ASS-ATAR 2:
THE WAY OF THE STEPDAUGHTER?" YES, YES.
WAIT, THERE'S ONE MORE JOKE. IF I CAN GET TO IT.
IN THIS ONE, THE BLUE PEOPLE... BLEW PEOPLE.
PLUS.
QUALITY JOKE. PLUS, THE NEW LAWS MAY NOT EVEN
WORK, BECAUSE THEY ONLY TARGET SPECIFIC BIG-NAME PORN SITES.
WHEN, ACCORDING TO ONE SURVEY, A THIRD OF TEEN USERS SAY THEY
LOOK FOR PORN EXCLUSIVELY ON SOCIAL MEDIA.
SO PARENTS, YOU'LL WANT TO KEEP AN EYE OUT FOR PORNOGRAPHIC
SOCIAL MEDIA SITES. THAT INCLUDES "THICC TOK"
AND "WHAT'S ASS." WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW
FOR YOU TONIGHT. MY GUESTS ARE JIM GAFFIGAN
AND JESSE WILLIAMS. BUT WHEN WE COME BACK,
AND WE WILL COME BACK, IT'S "MEANWHILE"!
JOIN US, WON'T YOU.
Stephen: WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY.
SAY HELLO TO LOUIS CATO AND "THE LATE SHOW" BAND.
MY FRIENDS. YOU ARE MY FRIENDS.
LOVELY TO SEE YOU. LOVELY TO SEE YOU THIS EVENING.
TONIGHT, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN OUT THERE, EVERYBODY WATCHING.
WE'VE GOT, FROM THE FILM "YOUR PLACE OR MINE," JESSE WILLIAMS
IS GOING TO BE OUT HERE IN A LITTLE BIT.
AND REALLY AMERICA'S SWEETHEART, JIM GAFFIGAN IS GOING TO BE OUT
HERE JUST A MOMENT. LOVELY.
FOLKS, YOU WATCH THE SHOW. YOU KNOW I SPEND MOST OF MY TIME
ROAMING THE NEWS FOREST, FELLING ONLY THE FINEST,
MOST MATURE STORY WOOD, HAND-SHAPING AND BORING IT,
THEN ADDING A PURE SILVER OFFSET G&E MECHANISM AND ANDREW OXLEY
HEAD JOINT TO CRAFT FOR YOU THE EXQUISITE TREVOR JAMES
GRENADILLA FLUTE THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE.
BUT SOMETIMES, I AM SLAPPED AWAKE BY A FAIRGROUND POSSUM,
JAM A DISCARDED PIXIE STICK INTO A FANTA-CAN BONG
THEN SHRIEK-WHISTLE A DIRGE THROUGH THE DRIFTER'S FIFE
OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT "MEANWHILE."
THIS IS THE FUNERAL. THIS IS THE CLEAN ENERGY OF THE
FUTURE RIGHT HERE. MEANWHILE, AIRBNB IS OFFERING A
"PHANTOM OF THE OPERA" THEMED STAY AT PALAIS GARNIER
IN PARIS, WHERE THEY'VE SET UP THIS
BEDCHAMBER RIGHT INSIDE THE THEATER.
NOW, TO MAKE THE EXPERIENCE TRULY AUTHENTIC, YOU'LL SPEND
YOUR WHOLE NIGHT BEING HARASSED BY A DISFIGURED INCEL.
C'EST L'AMOUR! MEANWHILE, EVERYONE IS FINE,
BUT THE MARS WRIGLEY COMPANY HAS BEEN FINED AFTER
TWO WORKERS FELL INTO A VAT OF CHOCOLATE.
SURE. "FELL."
"OH, NO, I'VE FALLEN INTO A VAT OF CHOCOLATE!
I GUESS I GOTTA EAT MY WAY OUT AGAIN.
BETTER THROW ME A LIFE PRESERVER MADE OF NOUGAT!"
MEANWHILE, SANDWICH CHAIN SUBWAY IS EXPLORING SELLING THEIR
BUSINESS FOR $10 BILLION. KEEP IN MIND, INVESTORS,
FOR $1.50 MORE, THEY'LL THROW IN CHIPS AND A DRINK.
MEANWHILE. [APPLAUSE]
REALLY? SURE.
MEANWHILE, SCIENTISTS FINALLY FOUND OUT WHAT A MONKEY
MERMAID MUMMY REALLY IS. NOW, IF YOU'VE NEVER SEEN THE
FAMED MYSTERY MONKEY MERMAID MUMMY, IT WAS DISCOVERED DECADES
AGO IN A JAPANESE TEMPLE. AND IT LOOKS SOMETHING
LIKE THIS. GAH!
I CAN UNDERSTAND WANTING TO FIGURE OUT WHAT THE HELL
THAT IS, IF ONLY TO TO LEARN HOW TO KILL IT.
BUT NOW, SCIENTISTS USING CUTTING EDGE MERMONKEY
TECHNOLOGY, HAVE DISCOVERED THAT THE MUMMY WASN'T AN ANIMAL,
IT WAS MERELY AN OBJECT, SPECIFICALLY A DOLL,
LIKELY MADE IN THE LATE 1800s. THEY DETERMINED THIS BASED ON
X-RAYS AND ALSO ON WHAT THE SCREAMING MONKEY DOLL TOLD THEM
WHEN IT APPEARED IN THEIR NIGHTMARES FOR THE REST OF
ETERNITY. MEANWHILE, DOWN IN GEORGIA,
A DISORIENTED OWL HAS FORCED A COLLEGE TO SHUT DOWN A LIBRARY
FOR NEARLY A WEEK. HEY, IT COULD JUST BE DOING
RESEARCH. AFTER YEARS OF ASKING "WHO?"
MAYBE IT'S FINALLY ASKING "WHY?" [APPLAUSE]
[AUDIENCE HOOTING] Stephen: REALLY?
TO GET RID OF THE OWL, THE SCHOOL HAS HIRED
A PROFESSIONAL FALCONER WHO LEFT A DOOR OPEN AND THEN TRIED
TO SHOO THE OWL AWAY WITH A REALLY LONG STICK.
TO RECAP: OPEN DOOR PLUS LONG STICK EQUALS PROFESSIONAL
FALCONER. I ONCE KNOCKED A FRISBEE
OUT OF A PARTICULARLY TALL BUSH WITH A RAKE.
DOES THAT MAKE ME A PROFESSIONAL BEEKEEPER?
MEANWHILE, THERE'S NEWS FROM THE BEST AND WORST PLACE EVER:
THE INTERNET. BECAUSE MICROSOFT HAS OFFICIALLY
RETIRED INTERNET EXPLORER. THE BROWSER WILL NOW SPEND
ITS TIME LIKE MANY RETIREES: TRYING TO DOWNLOAD CHROME.
CALLING ITS GRANDSON. MEANWHILE, A RECENT PIZZA
DELIVERY IN LOUISIANA WENT AWRY WHEN THE HOMEOWNER OPENING THE
DOOR FOR THE DOMINO'S GUY OFFERED A SNEAKY SQUIRREL
THE OPPORTUNITY TO INVADE THE HOME.
NOW, SOME SAY THE SQUIRREL WAS JUST TRYING TO GET A BITE
OF THE PIZZA. BUT THAT WOULD BE RIDICULOUS.
IT WAS DOMINO'S. THE WHOLE ORDEAL WAS CAUGHT
ON THE FAMILY'S DOORBELL CAM. LET'S TAKE A LOOK.
HI. HOW ARE YOU DOING TODAY?
GOOD. [SCREAMING]
Stephen: SO THIS WAS EITHER A DELIVERY GONE WRONG OR
THE START TO THE WORLD'S LEAST SEXY PORN.
"OH, OH, IS THAT MY EXTRA-LARGE SAUSAGE.
I DON'T HAVE ANY CASH TO PAY FOR--
SQUIRREL! WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK
WITH JIM GAFFIGAN. ♪ ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] Stephen: THAT'S RIGHT.
THAT'S RIGHT. THERE YOU GO.
HEY, EVERYBODY. WELCOME BACK.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, YOU KNOW MY FIRST GUEST
FROM HIS STANDUP COMEDY SPECIALS AND HIS APPEARANCES ON
"CBS SUNDAY MORNING." HE NOW STARS
IN THE NEW MOVIE "LINOLEUM." PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO
"THE LATE SHOW," JIM GAFFIGAN.
♪ ♪
Jim: THANK YOU. Stephen: ALWAYS A PLEASURE.
ALWAYS A DISTINCT PLEASURE TO HAVE YOU HERE.
JIM, IT'S BEEN TOO LONG. HOW ARE YOU DOING?
Jim: I'M, I'M EXHAUSTED. WHEN YOU HAVE SOMEONE ON THE
SHOW, YOU WANT SOMEONE TO JUST COME OUT AND COMPLAIN BUT I'M
TIRED. I'M ALWAYS TIRED.
I AM MARRIED TO A WOMAN WHO NEVER SLEEPS.
I DON'T KNOW IF YOU ARE WITH A NONSLEEPER.
Stephen: SHE IS MUCH MORE UP AND AT 'EM THAT I AM.
Jim: IF YOU'RE WITH SOMEONE WHO NEVER SLEEPS, YOU ATTEMPT TO
GET REST AND YOU APPEAR SELFISH. EVERY NIGHT MY WIFE IS LIKE,
OAK, YOU'RE GOING TO BED? IT'S 3:00 A.M.
I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME. I DO.
IS THERE SOMETHING YOU NEED TO TELL ME?
I'M TIRED. I'M ALWAYS TIRED.
PEOPLE THINK I'M HUNG OVER. I'VE HAD PEOPLE LIKE, DID YOU
TIE ONE ON LAST NIGHT? NO, THIS IS JUST MY BODY TRYING
TO STAY ALIVE. I'VE ACTUALLY BECOME ONE OF
THOSE GUYS THAT WHEN I'M SITTING IN A CHAIR AND I GO TO GET OUT
OF THE CHAIR, PEOPLE AROUND ME ARE LIKE, I DON'T THINK HE'S
GOING TO BE ABLE TO DO IT. IT'S LIKE, I HAVE TO MAKE A
PLAN. LIKE IF I WAS GOING TO GET UP
RIGHT NOW, I WOULD HAVE TO BE LIKE ALL RIGHT, THROW THAT BIG
HEAD FORWARD AND WISH FOR THE BEST.
IT'S BRUTAL. IT'S NO JOKE.
RECENTLY MY WIFE WAS LIKE, WE NEED TO FIND OUT WHY YOU'RE SO
TIRED. I WAS LIKE, "I THINK IT'S YOU."
Stephen: HOW DID SHE TAKE THAT?
Jim: SHE HAD ME CALL OUR DOCTOR WHO IS REALLY OUR
PEDIATRICIAN. SHE IS AN AMAZING DOCTOR.
SHE HAD ME DO ONE OF THESE AT HOME SLEEP STUDIES WHERE I SLEPT
WITH A MASK ON. I DROPPED IT OFF AND SHE CALLED
TWO WEEKS LATER AND SHE WAS LIKE JIM, WE SHOULD TALK TO THESE
RESULTS. I'M LIKE, SURE.
SHE'S LIKE, FIRST OF ALL YOU HAVE TO UNDERSTAND MILLIONS OF
PEOPLE SUFFER FROM SLEEP APNEA. BUT YOU ARE JUST A LAZY SACK.
WHAT A RELIEF. THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH ME.
MY BODY IS JUST A LEMON. MY FANTASY IS THAT WHEN I DIE,
THEY'LL DISCOVER I HAD LYME DISEASE MY ENTIRE LIFE.
LIKE THE MEDICAL COMMUNITY WILL GATHER AND BE LIKE, HE'S THE
MOST PRODUCTIVE LYME DISEASER EVER.
Stephen: WHAT COURAGE, WITH COURAGE, THEY'LL SAY.
KIDS CAN MAKE YOU TIRED. I KNOW YOU'VE GOT THE FIVE KIDS
WHICH THESE DAYS IS A LOT OF KIDS.
THEY MUST WEAR YOU DOWN. HOW IS THAT GOING?
Jim: IT'S-- IT'S--
IT WAS A MISTAKE. Stephen: ALL OF THEM ARE
JUST THE LAST ONE? Jim: I WOULD SAY ALL OF
THEM. IT'S A LOT.
FIVE KIDS. IT'S NOT LIKE, YOU KNOW, IF I
DID ANYTHING ABOUT IT NOW, PEOPLE WOULD GET SO UPSET.
IF I WAS LIKE, HOW OLD IS THE FETUS?
17 YEARS. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
FIVE KIDS IS A LOT. MY WIFE WORKS SO HARD, WORK SO
HARD AND I TRIED TO TRAVEL AS MUCH AS I CAN.
Stephen: DO YOUR PART. Jim: THERE IS ALWAYS HELP.
THERE'S A BABYSITTER OR HELPER. THESE PEOPLE HAVE INCREDIBLE
BACK STORIES. OFTEN THEY HAVE ESCAPED FROM A
COUNTRY WITH OPPRESSIVE REGIME, THEY ARE USUALLY SENDING MONEY
BACK TO HELP A RELATIVE. AFTER THEY HAVE WORKED FOR US
FOR A MONTH, THEY ALWAYS COME UP AND SAY THE SAME THING.
"I QUIT." I WILL ASK, DO YOU NEED MORE
MONEY AND THEY'RE LIKE, I'M GOING BACK TO NORTH KOREA.
THAT PLACES LIKE A VACATION COMPARED TO YOUR FAMILY.
Stephen: WELL, OKAY. HOW ABOUT VACATIONS?
YOU HAVE THE FIVE KIDS. WHEN I WAS A KID WE WOULD PILE
EVERYBODY INTO THE STATION WAGON WITH A MATTRESS IN THE BACK AND
OFF WE WOULD GO PLAYING "EYES SPY."
ARE YOU A FUN VACATION FAMILY? Jim: I'M SO LUCKY BECAUSE
OF STAND-UP COMEDY. I'VE BEEN ABLE TO TAKE MY
CHILDREN AMAZING PLACES. I WILL DO A SHOW AND ITS
INCREDIBLE PLACES WITH THEM AND DURING EACH OF THESE TRIPS THERE
IS USUALLY A MOMENT WHERE I LOOK AT MY KIDS AND I THINK I COULD
JUST LEAVE THEM HERE. YOU KNOW.
IT'S TOO HARD. IT'S TOO HARD TO TRAVEL.
THAT'S WHY EVERY DAD, YEAH, EVERY DAD ON VACATION AND KIND
OF LOOKS LIKE HE LOST A BET. WE HAVE ALL BEEN ON VACATION.
WE HAVE SEEN THAT 50-YEAR-OLD GUY WHO'S JUST KIND OF CONFUSED.
HE IS LOOKING AROUND. LIKE, THIS IS MY VACATION?
BUT I'M NOT HAVING ANY FUN. IT'S AMAZING.
Stephen: DID YOU ALWAYS WANT TO BE A COMEDIAN?
Jim: I ALWAYS WANTED TO BE A COMEDIAN AND AN ACTOR.
BUT I GREW UP IN A SMALL TOWN IN THE MIDWEST.
I DIDN'T REALLY-- THERE WAS NO ONE IN THE
ENTERTAINMENT INDUSTRY. Stephen: HOW DO YOU BECOME
THAT? Jim: THE CLOSEST THING WAS
THE MARCHING BAND AND I DIDN'T PLAY AN INSTRUMENT SO IT WAS
JUST VERY, YOU KNOW, IT WAS KIND OF LIKE BEING AN ASTRONAUT.
IT WAS A DELUSIONAL IDEA. BUT I REMEMBER WHEN I WAS LIKE
PROBABLY 8 YEARS OLD, MY MOM TOOK ME AND MY BROTHER JOE TO A
MOVIE AND THEN AFTERWARDS WE WERE IN THE CHICKEN ON LIMITED
WHICH I THINK IS REALLY A RESTAURANT.
SHE ASKED US, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP AND MY
BROTHER SAID HE WANTED TO BE A HELICOPTER PILOT AND I SAID I
WANTED TO BE AN ACTRESS. Stephen: GOOD FOR YOU.
WE HAVE TO TAKE A LITTLE BIT OF A BREAK BUT STICK AROUND.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE MR. JIM GAFFIGAN, EVERYBODY.
Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY. LOOK AT THAT, THE STAR OF
"LINOLEUM." JIM GAFFIGAN.
JIM GAFFIGAN, YOU'RE IN THE NEW MOVIE "LINOLEUM."
AN ASTRONAUT PLAYS INTO THIS. EXPLAIN WHAT HAPPENS IN THE
MOVIE. Jim: THE MOVIE IS AMAZING.
I SHOULD SET THIS UP. I LOVE MOVIES YOU CAN WATCH AND
THEN YOU'LL HAVE A CONVERSATION ABOUT LATER.
I LOVE IT ENTERTAINMENT BUT I ALSO LOVE A MOVIE WHERE YOU TURN
TO THE PERSON YOU SAW THE MOVIE WITHIN YOU SAY, WAS THIS ABOUT
THAT OR WAS THAT THIS? THIS MOVIE IS ABOUT A GUY WHO
ALWAYS DREAMED OF BEING AN ASTRONAUT.
Stephen: AND MATTHEW. Jim: THAT'S PLAYED BY ME
AND EVENTUALLY HE HAS A CHILDHOOD, KIDS CHAUFFEURS
SCIENCE. Stephen: MR. WIZARD.
Jim: BILL NYE. HE GETS REPLACED ON HIS OWN SHOW
IDENTICAL TO HIM, ALSO PLAYED BY ME.
THE ROCKET LANDS IN HIS BACKYARD AND HE DECIDES TO BUILD HIS OWN
ROCKET SO WE CAN GO TO OUTER SPACE.
NOW, I KNOW THAT SOUNDS SIMPLE. THAT SOME OF WHAT THE MOVIE IS
ABOUT. BUT REALLY THE MOVIE IS LARGELY
ABOUT, I MEAN, I THINK IT'S A LOVE STORY BECAUSE IT'S ABOUT
RELATIONSHIPS. BUT IT'S ALSO ABOUT OUR MEMORIES
AND WHAT WE REMEMBER. I DON'T KNOW.
I THINK IT'S A PRETTY SPECIAL MOVIE.
IT'S ONE OF THOSE THINGS WHERE I WATCHED IT WITH MY KIDS AND THEY
WERE ANGRY BECAUSE THEY WERE UPSET, BECAUSE IT'S KIND OF--
IT'S A MOVING-- IT ENDS WITH A LOCKED OF HEART.
A LOT OF HEART. Stephen: WE HAVE A CLIP.
Jim: WE ARE GOING THREE MARITAL CRISIS AND SHE IS LIVING
SOMEWHERE ELSE. SHE COMES HOME AND SHE DISCOVERS
THAT I HAVE A ROCKET IN OUR GARAGE.
WHAT IS THIS? CAMERON.
I WAS BUILDING-- I WAS TRYING TO BUILD A ROCKET.
A ROCKET? IN THE GARAGE?
YEAH. BUT IT CLEARLY DIDN'T WORK.
CAMERON. THIS IS INSANE.
WHAT ARE YOU EVEN TALKING ABOUT? IT'S BREAKING THE LAW.
SINCE WHEN DID YOU CARE ABOUT RULES SO MUCH?
SOMEONE HAD TO. I'LL FIX IT ALL BACK.
REALLY? ERIN.
[APPLAUSE] Jim: HOW AMAZING IS RHEA
SEEHORN. Stephen: "LINOLEUM" WILL BE
IN THEATERS FEBRUARY 24 WITH JIM GAFFIGAN.
WE'LL BE BACK WITH JESSE WILLIAMS.
♪ ♪ Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY.
WELCOME BACK. THANK YOU.
THANK YOU, MY FRIENDS. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
BOYS & GIRLS CLUB OF CHILDREN OF ALL AGES, MY NEXT GUEST ON THE
LATE SHOW IS AN ACTOR YOU KNOW FROM SHOWS LIKE
HE NOW STARS IN THE NEW NETFLIX ROM-COM, "YOUR PLACE OR MINE."
PLEASE ELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW,"
JESSE WILLIAMS. GOOD TO HAVE YOU ON.
CAN I START BY SAYING WHAT A HUGE FAN I AM OF YOURS.
I WOULD SIT IN THE AUDIENCE AT COLBERT REPORT.
WE WILL WATCH YOU. THE MOST INCREDIBLE WRITTEN AND
PERFORMED SHOW. I'M A HUGE FAN.
TO BE ABLE TO BE HERE NOW. Stephen: I AM REALLY
ENJOYING THIS INTERVIEW RIGHT NOW.
YOU ARE A BUSY MAN YOURSELF. YOU JUST FINISHED--
YOU WRAPPED UP A BROADWAY PLAY, THE TONY AWARD WINNING "TAKE
OUT." NOW YOU'RE IN ONE OF THE MOST,
ONE OF THE MOST FUN SHOWS OUT THERE, SEASON THREE OF "ONLY
MURDERS IN THE BUILDING." WHAT AN HONOR AND A PLEASURE TO
SPEND TIME WITH STEVE MARTIN AND MARTIN SHORT.
Jesse: IT'S WILD. I JUST STARTED SHOOTING THE
SHOW. STEVE AND MARTY CAME TO THE
PLAY. WE HAD A REALLY LONG DINNER.
I GREW UP, AS WE ALL DID, THESE GUYS ARE JUST TITANS.
SO FAR, MY FIRST DAY ON SET WAS WITH MERYL STREEP, PAUL RUDD,
SELENA GOMEZ. Stephen: TEN YEARS ON
"GREY'S ANATOMY." ALMOST TEN SEASONS.
WHAT IS IT LIKE TO STRETCH YOUR LEGS DOING COMEDY NOW?
IT'S A SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT BEAST. Jesse: IT'S GREAT TO LEARN
AND COMPLETELY FUMBLE BUT I'M LEARNING AND TRYING TO PLAY
AROUND WITH SOME OF THE COMEDY STUFF BEING A LITTLE LIGHTER.
IT'S KIND OF MY NATURAL DISPOSITION.
THESE PEOPLE WHO I REALLY ADMIRE AND THE WRITERS ARE INCREDIBLE
SO I'M HAPPY TO BE ABLE TO GET THAT BALANCE.
SO MUCH OF MY WORK, I DO A LOT OF SOCIAL JUSTICE WORK AROUND
SERIOUS ISSUES AND IT'S NICE TO HAVE A BALANCE.
Stephen: WHEN YOU WERE DOING "GREY'S ANATOMY," DID YOU
EVER-- DID PEOPLE EVER THINK THAT YOU
KNEW ABOUT MEDICINE. Jesse: YEAH, A COUPLE
TIMES. I'VE SAID THIS BEFORE BUT I HAVE
BEN ON A PLANE TO DIFFERENT TIMES WHEN THEY HAVE SAID, IS
THERE A DOCTOR ON BOARD? SOMEBODY NEEDS IT.
THEY LOOK AT ME. I SAY THE ONE THING YOU KNOW
ABOUT ME FOR SURE IS THAT I'M NOT A DOCTOR.
BUT YET STILL. IT'S HAPPENED ON TWO DIFFERENT
OCCASIONS. Stephen: THAT GOOD OF AN
ACTOR. Jesse: THAT IS A GOOD WAY
TO SPIN IT. Stephen: JUST KEEP ACTING.
"WE ARE LOSING HIM!" Jesse: HAVE ANOTHER GIN AND
TONIC. IT IS DOING ALL THIS WORK YOU'RE
DOING, WHICH IS GREAT, YOU NEED TIME TO WIND DOWN.
WHAT DO YOU DO FOR FUN? WHAT IS YOUR OFF TIME ACTIVITY?
Jesse: FOR ME THE GREATEST PIECES BEING ON THE OCEAN, BEING
ON THE WATER. I HAVE A TON OF FAMILY IN
NEW ENGLAND AND IN MAINE, I GREW UP SAILING.
FROM A SMALL KID. A LOT OF MY FAMILY MEMBERS ARE
BOATBUILDERS. Stephen: BOATBUILDERS?
Jesse: BOATBUILDERS AND SEA CAPTAINS.
FOR REAL. Stephen: SO YOU ARE A
CRUSTY OLD DOG. Jesse: SALTY DOG.
Stephen: OPEN OCEAN SAILING?
Jesse: IN THE COVE, IN THE BAY, OPEN OCEAN.
I'VE DONE FIVE, SIX DAY TRIPS WITHOUT TOUCHING LAND ON A
SCHOONER. Stephen: JUST SAYING THE
WORD SCHOONER. IT MAKES YOU SEEM SALTY.
Jesse: A FIVE DAY TRIP WITH TWO OF MY GOOD FRIENDS ON A--
I LOVE BEING ON THE WATER. Stephen: NOTHING LIKE BEING
ON THE WATER AT NIGHT WITH THE STARS, EXTRAORDINARY.
DO YOU FISH? Jesse: I HAVEN'T SPENT A
LOT OF TIME FISHING. I'M ABOUT TO TAKE A VACATION AND
TRY TO DO SOME FISHING. UP IN MAINE, HIS KIDS THE
MACKEREL WOULD RUN IN AUGUST. 10-INCH.
THEY WOULD RUN ON THE TOP OF THE SURFACE.
WE WOULD HAVE A BALER AND THROW A LINE OUT ON THEY WOULD JUMP IN
THE BOAT. I DON'T KNOW IF I WOULD CALL
THAT FISHING. BUT I REMEMBER MY BROTHER TAKING
MY BALER FULL OF MACKEREL AND AFTER THE WHOLE DAY, JUST
THROWING IT OVERBOARD. HE DIDN'T KNOW.
HE WAS LIKE THREE BUT I HOLD IT AGAINST HIM EVERY FES FESTIVUS.
Stephen: YOU ARE IN A NEW REALM, WITH REESE WITHERSPOON
AND ASHTON KUTCHER. Jesse: THIS IS WHEN REESE
AND I FIRST MEET. SHE HAS A RIDICULOUSLY LARGE
BEVERAGE. IT'S LIKE A GARDEN SALAD.
WE FIRST ENCOUNTER EACH OTHER AND IT LENDS ITSELF TO A LITTLE
ROMANTIC ENTANGLEMENT. Stephen: WHO DO YOU PLAY?
Jesse: THEO MARTIN. SHE'S A WRITER, EDITOR.
WE HAVE SIMILAR INTERESTS, SOME FIREWORKS.
I HAVE READ EVERY BOOK. NOT EVERY BOOK.
YES, WAY. 870 PAGE TOME.
I READ IT IN TWO DAYS. SPY NOVEL.
OCEAN OF LIES. I KEPT SAYING FOR A WEEK
[SPEAKING GREEK] YO DID NOT READ THE DUST
BOWL BOOK. I BOUGHT AT THE DAY CAME OUT.
THAT WAS YOU? I'M PRETTY SURE WE ONLY SOLD THE
ONE COPY. THAT WAS ME.
I BOUGHT IT. Jesse: ZOE CHAO WAS GREAT
IN THAT. IT'S BEEN LOVELY HAVING YOU
HERE. "YOUR PLACE OR MINE" IS ON
NETFLIX NOW. JESSE WILLIAMS, EVERYBODY.
WE'LL BE BACK WITH A PERFORMANCE BY RAYE.
Stephen: MAKING HER U.S. TELEVISION DEBUT WITH "ESCAPISM"
FROM HER NEW ALBUM "MY 21ST CENTURY BLUES" ALONG WITH
070 SHAKE, RAYE. ♪ SLEAZIN' AND TEASIN',
I'M SITTIN' ON HIM ♪ ♪ ALL OF MY DIAMONDS
♪ ARE DRIPPIN' ON HIM ♪ ♪ I MET HIM AT THE BAR,
IT WAS 2 OR SOMETHIN' ♪ ♪ I ORDERED TWO MORE WINES,
'CAUSE TONIGHT, I WANT HIM ♪ ♪ A LITTLE CONTEXT
IF YOU CARE TO LISTEN ♪ ♪ I FIND MYSELF
IN A SPLIT POSITION ♪ ♪ THE MAN THAT I LOVE
SAT ME DOWN LAST NIGHT ♪ ♪ AND HE TOLD ME THAT IT'S OVER,
DUMB DECISION ♪ ♪ AND I DON'T WANNA FEEL
HOW MY HEART IS RIPPIN' ♪ ♪ IN FACT, I DON'T WANNA FEEL,
SO I STICK TO SIPPIN' ♪ ♪ AND I'M OUT ON THE TOWN
WITH A SIMPLE MISSION ♪ ♪ IN MY LITTLE BLACK DRESS,
AND SITTIN' ♪ ♪ JUST A HEART BROKE
HIGH HEELS, SIX INCH ♪ ♪ IN THE BACK OF THE NIGHTCLUB,
SIPPIN' CHAMPAGNE ♪ ♪ I DON'T TRUST ANY OF THESE
SISTERS I'M WITH ♪ ♪ IN THE BACK OF THE TAXI,
SNIFFIN' COCAINE ♪ ♪ DRUNK CALLS, DRUNK TEXTS,
DRUNK TEARS, DRUNK SEX ♪ ♪ I WAS LOOKIN' FOR A MAN
WHO WAS ON THE SAME PAGE ♪ ♪ NOW IT'S BACK TO THE INTRO,
TO THE BAR ♪ ♪ TO THE BENTLEY, TO THE HOTEL,
TO MY OLD WAYS ♪ ♪ 'CAUSE I DON'T WANNA FEEL
HOW I DID LAST NIGHT ♪ ♪ I DON'T WANNA FEEL
HOW I DID LAST NIGHT ♪ ANYTHING, PLEASE ♪
HAVE MERCY ON ME, TAKE THIS PAIN AWAY ♪
I'M BLOWIN' THIS STEAM ♪ ♪ BACK TO MY WAYS LIKE 2019 ♪
♪ NOT 24 HOURS SINCE MY EX DID IT ♪
♪ I GOT A NEW MAN ON ME, IT'S ABOUT TO GET ♪
♪ LAST NIGHT REALLY WAS THE CHERRY ON THE CAKE ♪
♪ BEEN SOME DARK DAYS LATELY AND I'M FINDING IT CRIPPLING ♪
♪ EXCUSE MY STATE, I'M AS HIGH AS YOUR HOPES ♪
♪ THAT YOU'LL MAKE IT TO MY BED, GET ME HOT AND SIZZLING ♪
♪ IF I TAKE A STEP BACK TO SEE THE GLASS HALF FULL ♪
♪ AT LEAST IT'S THE PRADA TWO-PIECE THAT I'M TRIPPIN' IN ♪
♪ AND I'M ALREADY ACTIN' KNOW WHAT I MEAN? ♪
♪ SO YOU MIGHT AS WELL ♪ JUST A HEART BROKE
HIGH HEELS, SIX INCH ♪ ♪ IN THE BACK OF THE NIGHT CLUB,
SIPPIN' CHAMPAGNE ♪ ♪ I DON'T TRUST ANY OF THESE
I'M WITH ♪ ♪ IN THE BACK OF THE TAXI,
♪ DRUNK CALLS, DRUNK TEXTS, DRUNK TEARS, DRUNK SEX ♪
♪ I WAS LOOKIN' FOR A MAN WHO WAS ON THE SAME PAGE ♪
♪ NOW IT'S BACK TO THE INTRO, BACK TO THE BAR ♪
♪ TO THE BENTLEY, TO THE HOTEL, TO MY OLD WAYS ♪
♪ 'CAUSE I DON'T WANNA FEEL HOW I DID LAST NIGHT ♪
♪ I DON'T WANNA FEEL HOW I DID LAST NIGHT ♪
♪ DOCTOR, DOCTOR, ANYTHING, PLEASE ♪
♪ DOCTOR, DOCTOR, HAVE MERCY ON ME
♪ YOU'RE ASKING ME MY SYMPTOMS, DOCTOR, I DON'T WANNA FEEL,
♪ 'CAUSE I DON'T WANNA FEEL HOW I FELT LAST NIGHT ♪
♪ AND I DON'T WANNA FEEL LIKE I FELT LAST NIGHT ♪
♪ BE AT PEACE WITH THE THINGS YOU CAN'T CHANGE
YEAH ♪ ♪ YEAH ♪
♪ OUT OF REACH, OUT OF TOUCH, TOO NUMB, I DON'T FEEL NO WAY ♪
♪ TOAST UP, SO WHAT? STREET SMALL, BUT IT GO
BOTH WAYS ♪ ♪ SO YOU'LL RUN, YEAH,
BUT YOU'LL NEVER ESCAPE ♪ ♪ SUNSET IN THE MAZE
♪ I DON'T WANNA FEEL ♪ ♪ HOW I DID LAST NIGHT ♪
♪ I DON'T WANNA FEEL HOW I DID LAST NIGHT, OH ♪
HOW I DID HOW I DID
HOW I DID LAST NIGHT, OH ♪ ONE, TWO, THREE
♪ ♪ LIPSTICK SMUDGED
LIKE MODERN ART ♪ ♪ I DON'T KNOW
WHO'S DRIVIN' THE CAR ♪ ♪ SPEEDIN' DOWN THE HIGHWAY,
♪ SPILLING SECRETS TO THE STRANGER IN MY BED
♪ I REMEMBER NOTHING, SO THERE'S NOTHING TO REGRET
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
Stephen:
THANK YOU. THANK YOU.
RAYE, EVERYBODY. THAT'S IT FOR "THE LATE SHOW."
TUNE IN TOMORROW. MY GUESTS WILL BE AL SHARPTON ON
JESSICA WILLIAMS. GOOD NIGHT.