1 00:00:01,668 --> 00:00:03,002 THIS MORNING, THE BIDEN 2 00:00:03,002 --> 00:00:04,504 ADMINISTRATION IS UNDER INCREASING PRESSURE TO FIND MORE 3 00:00:04,504 --> 00:00:08,708 INFORMATION ON THOSE SERIES OF OBJECTS SHOT DOWN AFTER ENTERING 4 00:00:08,708 --> 00:00:10,977 NORTH AMERICAN AIRSPACE. THE BRIEFER SAID THAT THEY 5 00:00:10,977 --> 00:00:13,213 ARE JUST AS LIKELY, THESE THINGS THAT ARE FLOATING IN OUR 6 00:00:13,213 --> 00:00:17,817 ATMOSPHERE, TO BE USED CAR BALLOONS. 7 00:00:17,817 --> 00:00:20,153 [BEEPING] CAPTAIN, A MOST CURIOUS 8 00:00:20,153 --> 00:00:24,691 DEVELOPMENT ON SCANNER 57. SCREEN ON, CAPTAIN. 9 00:00:24,691 --> 00:00:27,961 THIS IS CAPTAIN JAMES KIRK OF THE UNITED SPACESHIP 10 00:00:27,961 --> 00:00:34,367 ENTERPRISE. MAY I REQUEST YOUR TERMS 11 00:00:34,367 --> 00:00:40,206 FOR SURRENDER? 12 00:00:40,206 --> 00:00:45,011 [FLAPPING] FASCINATING. 13 00:00:45,011 --> 00:00:46,780 Announcer: IT'S "THE LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT." 14 00:00:46,780 --> 00:00:54,821 TONIGT... DARK SIDE OF BALLOON. 15 00:00:54,821 --> 00:00:59,859 FIRST, STEPHEN WELCOMES... JIM GAFFIGAN. 16 00:00:59,859 --> 00:01:04,130 JESSE WILLIAMS. AND MUSICAL GUEST 17 00:01:04,130 --> 00:01:07,901 RAYE 070 SHAKE. 18 00:01:07,901 --> 00:01:12,906 FEATURING LOUIS CATO AND "THE LATE SHOW" BAND. 19 00:01:12,906 --> 00:01:13,940 AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER 20 00:01:13,940 --> 00:01:23,349 IN NEW YORK CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT. 21 00:01:23,349 --> 00:01:29,322 ♪ ♪ 22 00:01:29,322 --> 00:01:34,928 Stephen: THANK YOU VERY MUCH. 23 00:01:34,928 --> 00:01:41,034 HELLO. HELLO. 24 00:01:41,034 --> 00:01:45,939 HAPPY WEDNESDAY. HELLO, HELLO, HELLO, HELLO. 25 00:01:45,939 --> 00:01:46,773 Audience: [CHANTING] 26 00:01:46,773 --> 00:01:48,508 STEPHEN! Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY. 27 00:01:48,508 --> 00:01:51,311 THANK YOU VERY MUCH. WELCOME. 28 00:01:51,311 --> 00:01:53,980 WELCOME ONE AND ALL TO "THE LATE SHOW." 29 00:01:53,980 --> 00:01:56,416 I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. MY GOODNESS. 30 00:01:56,416 --> 00:02:03,256 DID YOU GET OUT TODAY? DID YOU GET OUT TODAY? 31 00:02:03,256 --> 00:02:05,391 I WENT FOR A WALK. WHAT A GLORIOUS DAY 32 00:02:05,391 --> 00:02:06,493 WE HAD HERE IN NEW YORK CITY. IT'S FEBRUARY 15TH, 33 00:02:06,493 --> 00:02:11,698 AND IT WAS 60 DEGREES. CLIMATE CHANGE HAS ITS PERKS. 34 00:02:11,698 --> 00:02:18,238 YES, WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE, BUT... 35 00:02:18,238 --> 00:02:20,573 SWEATER WEATHER! OTHERWISE THERE'S NOT MUCH 36 00:02:20,573 --> 00:02:23,510 GOING ON. LET'S SEE... 37 00:02:23,510 --> 00:02:24,477 WHAT'S HAPPENING? OH, RIGHT, ALIENS ARE REAL, 38 00:02:24,477 --> 00:02:27,013 AND THEY'RE CONQUERING OUR SKIES. 39 00:02:27,013 --> 00:02:30,583 YOU MAY RECALL THAT LAST WEEKEND, THE U.S. MILITARY SHOT 40 00:02:30,583 --> 00:02:34,287 DOWN THREE UNIDENTIFIED FLYING OBJECTS 41 00:02:34,287 --> 00:02:36,189 IN THREE DAYS. AND ON MONDAY, THE BIDEN 42 00:02:36,189 --> 00:02:37,957 ADMINISTRATION TRIED TO CONVINCE US IT WAS NO BIG WHOOP. 43 00:02:37,957 --> 00:02:42,428 I DON'T THINK THE AMERICAN PEOPLE NEED TO WORRY 44 00:02:42,428 --> 00:02:43,329 ABOUT ALIENS, WITH RESPECT TO THESE CRAFT. 45 00:02:43,329 --> 00:02:46,165 PERIOD. I DON'T THINK THERE'S ANY 46 00:02:46,165 --> 00:02:47,901 MORE THAT NEEDS TO BE SAID. Stephen: "NO ONE NEEDS 47 00:02:47,901 --> 00:02:49,335 TO WORRY. PERIOD. 48 00:02:49,335 --> 00:02:51,271 I HAVE NOTHING LEFT TO SAY. FULL STOP. 49 00:02:51,271 --> 00:02:54,707 I'M NOT EVEN TALKING RIGHT NOW. THIS ISN'T ME. 50 00:02:54,707 --> 00:02:56,209 THE END. P.S. THAT'S IT. 51 00:02:56,209 --> 00:02:59,145 P.P.S. AM I DONE? NO? 52 00:02:59,145 --> 00:03:01,781 OKAY, GOOD. NOW, I WOULD LIKE TO READ 53 00:03:01,781 --> 00:03:02,315 A STATEMENT. PERIOD. 54 00:03:02,315 --> 00:03:05,451 PERIOD. PERIOD." 55 00:03:05,451 --> 00:03:07,787 OKAY, SO, FREAKOUT AVERTED. NO ALIENS. 56 00:03:07,787 --> 00:03:12,559 NOTHING TO SEE HERE. IN A TOTALLY UNRELATED STORY, 57 00:03:12,559 --> 00:03:16,963 MONDAY, THE UNITED STATE HAS SET UP A NEW TASK FORCE ON UFOS. 58 00:03:16,963 --> 00:03:23,169 WELL, WELL. THERE'S A CO-INKY-DINK. 59 00:03:23,169 --> 00:03:25,939 THAT'S LIKE YOUR FLIGHT ATTENDANT SAYING, 60 00:03:25,939 --> 00:03:27,173 "ATTENTION PASSENGERS, EVERYONE IN THE COCKPIT 61 00:03:27,173 --> 00:03:30,810 IS TOTALLY FINE AND CONSCIOUS. UH... 62 00:03:30,810 --> 00:03:32,745 TOTALLY UNRELATED, WE ARE SETTING UP A TASK FORCE ON HOW 63 00:03:32,745 --> 00:03:37,850 TO LAND A PLANE." IS ANYONE'S CARRY ON BAG 64 00:03:37,850 --> 00:03:39,652 A PARACHUTE? SO FAR, THE GOVERNMENT HAS TOLD 65 00:03:39,652 --> 00:03:43,690 US NOTHING ABOUT WHAT THEY SHOT DOWN. 66 00:03:43,690 --> 00:03:46,859 BUT YESTERDAY SENATORS WERE GIVEN A CLASSIFIED 67 00:03:46,859 --> 00:03:47,894 BRIEFING. OKAY. 68 00:03:47,894 --> 00:03:49,529 CLASSIFIED. NOTHIN' TO KNOW, 69 00:03:49,529 --> 00:03:52,198 BUT WE CAN'T KNOW IT. STILL, GOOD TO KNOW OUR 70 00:03:52,198 --> 00:03:53,499 NATION'S LEADERS ARE ON THE CASE. 71 00:03:53,499 --> 00:03:56,736 CAN WE SEE ONE OF THE SENATORS WHO WAS AT THE BRIEFING 72 00:03:56,736 --> 00:03:57,604 THAT WAS DEFINITELY NOT ABOUT ALIENS? 73 00:03:57,604 --> 00:04:03,276 AHHH! ALIENS! 74 00:04:03,276 --> 00:04:10,183 BECAUSE... THAT'S THE PHOTO THAT KEEPS ON 75 00:04:10,183 --> 00:04:11,884 GIVING. THE MEETING WAS SUPER 76 00:04:11,884 --> 00:04:13,319 SECRET, SENATORS CAN'T SHARE ITS FINDINGS. 77 00:04:13,319 --> 00:04:14,721 WHICH SHOULD BE EASY, BECAUSE THERE WEREN'T ANY. 78 00:04:14,721 --> 00:04:15,922 SENATOR JOHN "NOT THAT JOHN KENNEDY" 79 00:04:15,922 --> 00:04:20,627 KENNEDY SUMMED UP A LOT OF LAWMAKERS' FEELINGS 80 00:04:20,627 --> 00:04:23,029 AFTER THE BRIEFING: THE ONLY THING 81 00:04:23,029 --> 00:04:29,569 I FEEL CONFIDENT SAYING RIGHT NOW IS THAT IF YOU ARE CONFUSED, 82 00:04:29,569 --> 00:04:35,875 YOU UNDERSTAND THE SITUATION PERFECTLY. 83 00:04:35,875 --> 00:04:42,415 Stephen: OKAY. IN THAT CASE. 84 00:04:42,415 --> 00:04:47,086 SURE. THEN I'M ALL CAUGHT UP. 85 00:04:47,086 --> 00:04:49,455 SENATORS FROM BOTH PARTIES DEMANDED THAT THE ADMINISTRATION 86 00:04:49,455 --> 00:04:52,291 INFORM THE PUBLIC. PRESIDENT BIDEN OWES 87 00:04:52,291 --> 00:04:54,460 THE AMERICAN PEOPLE AN EXPLANATION. 88 00:04:54,460 --> 00:04:55,762 IT'S EXTREMELY IMPORTANT THE BIDEN 89 00:04:55,762 --> 00:04:59,165 ADMINISTRATION COMES OUT AND SAYS "HERE'S WHAT WE KNOW." 90 00:04:59,165 --> 00:05:01,234 THERE IS A NEED FOR GREATER TRANSPARENCY. 91 00:05:01,234 --> 00:05:02,902 Stephen: OKAY, BUT TO BE FAIR, JOE'S AN 80-YEAR-OLD 92 00:05:02,902 --> 00:05:06,939 IRISH MAN. IF HE GETS ANY MORE TRANSPARENT, 93 00:05:06,939 --> 00:05:11,310 YOU'RE GOING TO SEE WHAT HE HAD FOR LUNCH. 94 00:05:11,310 --> 00:05:17,417 SENATOR KENNEDY ALSO DEMANDED A PRESIDENTIAL ADDRESS, 95 00:05:17,417 --> 00:05:19,986 BUT HE DEMANDED IT FOLKSY-STYLE. 96 00:05:19,986 --> 00:05:26,592 I UNDERSTAND THE NEED FOR NATIONAL SECURITY SECRETS 97 00:05:26,592 --> 00:05:29,962 BUT NOW THAT THIS COW IS OUT OF THE BARN, 98 00:05:29,962 --> 00:05:33,166 THE PRESIDENT AND THE DIRECTOR OF NATIONAL INTELLIGENCE NEEDS 99 00:05:33,166 --> 00:05:35,501 TO ADDRESS IT. Stephen: THE COW 100 00:05:35,501 --> 00:05:39,472 IS OUT OF THE BARN? EVIDENTLY LOUISIANA DOESN'T HAVE 101 00:05:39,472 --> 00:05:47,814 CATS OR BAGS. THE COW IS OUT OF THE BARN. 102 00:05:47,814 --> 00:05:53,352 THE COW IS OUT OF THE... THEN, SENATOR KENNEDY REVEALED 103 00:05:53,352 --> 00:05:56,222 THAT THIS IS FAR FROM THE FIRST ENCOUNTER WE'VE HAD WITH 104 00:05:56,222 --> 00:06:00,660 UNIDENTIFIED SPACE STUFF. WHITESIDE TOOK AWAY FROM THE 105 00:06:00,660 --> 00:06:04,297 BRIEFING TODAY MORE SO THAN THE BRIEFING LAST WEEK 106 00:06:04,297 --> 00:06:05,965 IS THAT THIS HAS BEEN GOING ON FOR A LONG, LONG, LONG 107 00:06:05,965 --> 00:06:07,066 TIME. HOW LONG? 108 00:06:07,066 --> 00:06:15,975 AT LEAST 2017. Stephen: SINCE 2017. 109 00:06:15,975 --> 00:06:18,144 YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS? THE ALIENS WERE SINGING 110 00:06:18,144 --> 00:06:26,119 "DESPACITO." HOW DOES THAT GO? 111 00:06:26,119 --> 00:06:28,387 AT THE END OF HIS PRESS CONFERENCE, KENNEDY CALMED 112 00:06:28,387 --> 00:06:31,023 A NERVOUS NATION WITH THESE COMFORTING WORDS. 113 00:06:31,023 --> 00:06:40,666 LOCK YOUR DOORS TONIGHT. [LAUGHTER] 114 00:06:40,666 --> 00:06:44,837 Stephen: LOCK YOUR DOORS. YES! 115 00:06:44,837 --> 00:06:45,972 LOCK YOUR DOORS TONIGHT. THE INVADERS HAVE SPACECRAFT 116 00:06:45,972 --> 00:06:48,007 THAT CROSS THE GALAXY FASTER THAN THE SPEED OF LIGHT, 117 00:06:48,007 --> 00:06:49,242 BUT WE SHALL THWART THEM WITH OUR ADVANCED TECHNOLOGY 118 00:06:49,242 --> 00:06:54,480 OF "KNOB." BUT THERE IS-- 119 00:06:54,480 --> 00:06:55,648 HEAR ME OUT-- A FRACTION OF A RICOCHET 120 00:06:55,648 --> 00:06:58,918 OF AN ECHO OF A CHANCE THAT I'M WRONG AND THESE UFOS ARE 121 00:06:58,918 --> 00:07:04,891 NOT EXTRATERRESTRIAL. INSTEAD, IT COULD BE THAT SINCE 122 00:07:04,891 --> 00:07:06,559 NORAD DETECTED THE CHINESE SPY BALLOON, THEY HAVE CHANGED 123 00:07:06,559 --> 00:07:09,896 THE SENSITIVITY OF THEIR SETTINGS OF THEIR RADAR 124 00:07:09,896 --> 00:07:11,531 AND SUDDENLY THEY'RE FINDING A LOT MORE STUFF UP 125 00:07:11,531 --> 00:07:14,000 IN THE IONOSPHERE. WHAT KIND OF STUFF, YOU ASK? 126 00:07:14,000 --> 00:07:16,435 CBS NEWS' DAVID MARTIN HAS MORE ON THE STORY. 127 00:07:16,435 --> 00:07:23,276 THERE IS A LOT OF WHAT OFFICIALS CALL "SKY TRASH" 128 00:07:23,276 --> 00:07:27,346 UP THERE. Stephen: YES, SKY TRASH. 129 00:07:27,346 --> 00:07:29,649 NOT ONLY A TREAT TO AVIATION, BUT ALSO THE MOTTO OF 130 00:07:29,649 --> 00:07:43,296 SPIRIT AIRLINES. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 131 00:07:43,296 --> 00:07:46,699 ONE HOMELAND SECURITY ADVISER TOLD GOVERNORS THAT THERE ARE 132 00:07:46,699 --> 00:07:51,304 "HUNDREDS, IF NOT THOUSANDS" OF OBJECTS IN THE SKY, INCLUDING 133 00:07:51,304 --> 00:07:54,640 "USED CAR LOT BALLOONS." SO NOT ONLY DID OUR AIR FORCE 134 00:07:54,640 --> 00:07:58,678 GET A DIRECT HIT, THEY ALSO GOT AN INCREDIBLE DEAL 135 00:07:58,678 --> 00:08:04,984 ON A PREOWNED BUICK REGAL. BUICK REGAL. 136 00:08:04,984 --> 00:08:06,285 HARD WORD TO SAY. CROWN VICTORIA. 137 00:08:06,285 --> 00:08:08,354 WE'VE ALSO LEARNED THAT WHEN TRYING TO TAKE DOWN THE THIRD 138 00:08:08,354 --> 00:08:11,724 OBJECT, THE OCTAGONAL THING HOVERING OVER LAKE HURON ON 139 00:08:11,724 --> 00:08:13,326 SUNDAY, THE FIRST SIDEWINDER HEAT-SEEKING MISSILE 140 00:08:13,326 --> 00:08:17,930 MISSED THE TARGET. WELL, OF COURSE THE MISSILE 141 00:08:17,930 --> 00:08:21,434 MISSED! HAVE YOU SEEN THOSE BALLOONS? 142 00:08:21,434 --> 00:08:25,304 THOSE GUYS ARE LIKE NEO IN THE MATRIX! 143 00:08:25,304 --> 00:08:31,377 YOU CAN'T. YOU CAN'T HIT THEM. 144 00:08:31,377 --> 00:08:37,783 [APPLAUSE] HEY, DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE ROGUE 145 00:08:37,783 --> 00:08:43,456 MISSILE, BECAUSE IT "LANDED HARMLESSLY" IN THE WATER. 146 00:08:43,456 --> 00:08:49,428 THAT STATEMENT ISSUED BY "NOT A FISH." 147 00:08:49,428 --> 00:08:53,766 ROGER A. NOT A FISH. ONE SENATOR WHO WON'T BE GETTING 148 00:08:53,766 --> 00:08:55,801 BRIEFINGS MUCH LONGER IS CALIFORNIA SENATOR AND WOMAN 149 00:08:55,801 --> 00:09:01,007 DISAPPOINTED THAT MAGIC MIKE DIDN'T DO ANY CARD TRICKS, 150 00:09:01,007 --> 00:09:06,245 DIANNE FEINSTEIN. YESTERDAY, FEINSTEIN, WHO IS 89, 151 00:09:06,245 --> 00:09:10,116 ANNOUNCED THAT SHE WOULD NOT SEEK RE-ELECTION IN 2024. 152 00:09:10,116 --> 00:09:13,386 WELL, YEAH. SHE'S ALMOST 90. 153 00:09:13,386 --> 00:09:15,421 SHE SHOULDN'T BE RUNNING FOR SENATE. 154 00:09:15,421 --> 00:09:18,958 SHE SHOULD BE RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT. 155 00:09:18,958 --> 00:09:26,565 GO GET 'EM, JOE! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 156 00:09:26,565 --> 00:09:29,535 I WILL TAKE IT ANYWAY I CAN GET IT. 157 00:09:29,535 --> 00:09:30,970 FEINSTEIN HAS BUILT QUITE A LEGACY. 158 00:09:30,970 --> 00:09:34,740 SHE'S THE LONGEST-SERVING FEMALE SENATOR IN 159 00:09:34,740 --> 00:09:40,613 U.S. HISTORY. I BELIEVE WE ACTUALLY HAVE 160 00:09:40,613 --> 00:09:41,881 FOOTAGE OF FEINSTEIN REFLECTING ON HER FIRST DAY IN HE 161 00:09:41,881 --> 00:09:51,857 SENATE. IT'S BEEN 84 YEARS. 162 00:09:51,857 --> 00:09:54,961 Stephen: AND HER HEART WILL GO ON. 163 00:09:54,961 --> 00:09:56,762 HER ANNOUNCEMENT COMES AFTER YEARS OF SPECULATION SHE MIGHT 164 00:09:56,762 --> 00:09:58,531 RETIRE, WITH MANY INSIDERS WORRIED ABOUT HER MEMORY. 165 00:09:58,531 --> 00:10:00,166 AND IT DID NOT HELP THAT YESTERDAY, AFTER HER OFFICE 166 00:10:00,166 --> 00:10:05,338 ANNOUNCED HER RETIREMENT, SHE WAS ASKED ABOUT IT, 167 00:10:05,338 --> 00:10:08,040 AND SAID THIS. OH, NO, I'M NOT 168 00:10:08,040 --> 00:10:11,844 ANNOUNCING ANYTHING. Stephen: WAIT A SECOND! 169 00:10:11,844 --> 00:10:15,181 SHE ANNOUNCED HER RETIREMENT AND THEN BACKTRACKED? 170 00:10:15,181 --> 00:10:17,083 EITHER SHE'S HAVING MEMORY PROBLEMS OR SHE'S SIGNED 171 00:10:17,083 --> 00:10:23,055 A CONTRACT WITH THE TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS. 172 00:10:23,055 --> 00:10:27,493 SHE CAN TAKE A HIT. SHE CAN TAKE A LOT. 173 00:10:27,493 --> 00:10:29,662 WHEN UNDERSTANDABLY CONFUSED REPORTERS PRESSED HER FURTHER 174 00:10:29,662 --> 00:10:32,965 ON HER DECISION TO RETIRE, AN EQUALLY CONFUSED FEINSTEIN 175 00:10:32,965 --> 00:10:35,935 PRESSED THEM FURTHER ON NOT KNOWING THAT SHE HAD 176 00:10:35,935 --> 00:10:38,070 DONE THAT. I HAVEN'T MADE THAT DECISION. 177 00:10:38,070 --> 00:10:43,075 I HAVEN'T RELEASED ANYTHING. IT WOULD BE MY PLA-- 178 00:10:43,075 --> 00:10:44,710 YOU PUT OUT THE STATEMENT? YEAH, WE PUT OUT YOUR 179 00:10:44,710 --> 00:10:52,451 STATEMENT. Stephen: OOPS-A-CADABRE. 180 00:10:52,451 --> 00:10:53,452 EXPLAINS THE CAKE HER STAFF GOT HER THAT SAID 181 00:10:53,452 --> 00:10:55,921 "CONGRATS ON YOUR RETIREMENT!" "I'M RETIRING?" 182 00:10:55,921 --> 00:10:58,090 "YES, WE PUT OUT YOUR STATEMENT." 183 00:10:58,090 --> 00:10:59,225 "WHOSE STATEMENT?" "YOURS." 184 00:10:59,225 --> 00:11:01,827 "MY WHAT?" "STATEMENT." 185 00:11:01,827 --> 00:11:04,797 "YES, I'M PREPARING ONE." "NO, WE ALREADY PUT IT OUT!" 186 00:11:04,797 --> 00:11:17,943 "THEN WHAT'S THIS CAKE FOR? IS SOMEONE RETIRING?" 187 00:11:17,943 --> 00:11:23,282 SPEAKING OF CAKE, SEX. 188 00:11:23,282 --> 00:11:24,483 I WAS JUST TRYING TO GET YOUR ATTENTION. 189 00:11:24,483 --> 00:11:27,720 NOW THAT I HAVE IT: PORNOGRAPHY. 190 00:11:27,720 --> 00:11:30,156 RECENTLY, I TOLD YOU ABOUT LOUISIANA BECOMING THE FIRST 191 00:11:30,156 --> 00:11:34,093 STATE TO REQUIRE I.D. FROM RESIDENTS TO ACCESS PORN ONLINE. 192 00:11:34,093 --> 00:11:37,396 SO NOW IN LOUISIANA, IF YOU DON'T HAVE AN I.D., 193 00:11:37,396 --> 00:11:39,632 THE ONLY WAY TO SEE NUDITY IS TO THROW PLASTIC BEADS 194 00:11:39,632 --> 00:11:51,210 IN ANY DIRECTION. NOW, NOW. 195 00:11:51,210 --> 00:11:52,445 EVIDENTLY NOW SEVEN MORE STATES ARE LOOKING AT REQUIRING I.D. 196 00:11:52,445 --> 00:11:56,148 TO VIEW PORN. BUT THERE ARE SOME CONCERNS 197 00:11:56,148 --> 00:11:57,483 THAT UPLOADING YOUR I.D. POSES PRIVACY RISKS BECAUSE 198 00:11:57,483 --> 00:12:01,420 USERS CANNOT BE SURE WHAT WILL HAPPEN WITH THEIR DATA. 199 00:12:01,420 --> 00:12:05,458 HOLD ON. YOU MEAN TELL ME 200 00:12:05,458 --> 00:12:07,493 I CAN'T TRUST MY NAME, ADDRESS, AND DRIVER'S LICENSE NUMBER 201 00:12:07,493 --> 00:12:10,563 TO THE MAKERS OF "ASS-ATAR 2: 202 00:12:10,563 --> 00:12:15,601 THE WAY OF THE STEPDAUGHTER?" YES, YES. 203 00:12:15,601 --> 00:12:26,011 WAIT, THERE'S ONE MORE JOKE. IF I CAN GET TO IT. 204 00:12:26,011 --> 00:12:31,884 IN THIS ONE, THE BLUE PEOPLE... BLEW PEOPLE. 205 00:12:31,884 --> 00:12:35,855 PLUS. 206 00:12:35,855 --> 00:12:40,526 QUALITY JOKE. PLUS, THE NEW LAWS MAY NOT EVEN 207 00:12:40,526 --> 00:12:43,195 WORK, BECAUSE THEY ONLY TARGET SPECIFIC BIG-NAME PORN SITES. 208 00:12:43,195 --> 00:12:46,065 WHEN, ACCORDING TO ONE SURVEY, A THIRD OF TEEN USERS SAY THEY 209 00:12:46,065 --> 00:12:48,701 LOOK FOR PORN EXCLUSIVELY ON SOCIAL MEDIA. 210 00:12:48,701 --> 00:12:51,704 SO PARENTS, YOU'LL WANT TO KEEP AN EYE OUT FOR PORNOGRAPHIC 211 00:12:51,704 --> 00:12:55,541 SOCIAL MEDIA SITES. THAT INCLUDES "THICC TOK" 212 00:12:55,541 --> 00:12:59,378 AND "WHAT'S ASS." WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW 213 00:12:59,378 --> 00:13:02,014 FOR YOU TONIGHT. MY GUESTS ARE JIM GAFFIGAN 214 00:13:02,014 --> 00:13:05,784 AND JESSE WILLIAMS. BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, 215 00:13:05,784 --> 00:13:09,221 AND WE WILL COME BACK, IT'S "MEANWHILE"! 216 00:13:09,221 --> 00:13:12,291 JOIN US, WON'T YOU. 217 00:13:48,494 --> 00:13:50,029 Stephen: WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY. 218 00:13:50,029 --> 00:14:01,040 SAY HELLO TO LOUIS CATO AND "THE LATE SHOW" BAND. 219 00:14:01,040 --> 00:14:05,144 MY FRIENDS. YOU ARE MY FRIENDS. 220 00:14:05,144 --> 00:14:07,580 LOVELY TO SEE YOU. LOVELY TO SEE YOU THIS EVENING. 221 00:14:07,580 --> 00:14:10,983 TONIGHT, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN OUT THERE, EVERYBODY WATCHING. 222 00:14:10,983 --> 00:14:15,187 WE'VE GOT, FROM THE FILM "YOUR PLACE OR MINE," JESSE WILLIAMS 223 00:14:15,187 --> 00:14:20,759 IS GOING TO BE OUT HERE IN A LITTLE BIT. 224 00:14:20,759 --> 00:14:22,027 AND REALLY AMERICA'S SWEETHEART, JIM GAFFIGAN IS GOING TO BE OUT 225 00:14:22,027 --> 00:14:26,432 HERE JUST A MOMENT. LOVELY. 226 00:14:26,432 --> 00:14:29,902 FOLKS, YOU WATCH THE SHOW. YOU KNOW I SPEND MOST OF MY TIME 227 00:14:29,902 --> 00:14:31,570 ROAMING THE NEWS FOREST, FELLING ONLY THE FINEST, 228 00:14:31,570 --> 00:14:32,838 MOST MATURE STORY WOOD, HAND-SHAPING AND BORING IT, 229 00:14:32,838 --> 00:14:37,676 THEN ADDING A PURE SILVER OFFSET G&E MECHANISM AND ANDREW OXLEY 230 00:14:37,676 --> 00:14:40,646 HEAD JOINT TO CRAFT FOR YOU THE EXQUISITE TREVOR JAMES 231 00:14:40,646 --> 00:14:42,281 GRENADILLA FLUTE THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE. 232 00:14:42,281 --> 00:14:46,719 BUT SOMETIMES, I AM SLAPPED AWAKE BY A FAIRGROUND POSSUM, 233 00:14:46,719 --> 00:14:49,188 JAM A DISCARDED PIXIE STICK INTO A FANTA-CAN BONG 234 00:14:49,188 --> 00:14:51,724 THEN SHRIEK-WHISTLE A DIRGE THROUGH THE DRIFTER'S FIFE 235 00:14:51,724 --> 00:15:00,532 OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT "MEANWHILE." 236 00:15:00,532 --> 00:15:02,501 THIS IS THE FUNERAL. THIS IS THE CLEAN ENERGY OF THE 237 00:15:02,501 --> 00:15:06,138 FUTURE RIGHT HERE. MEANWHILE, AIRBNB IS OFFERING A 238 00:15:06,138 --> 00:15:11,744 "PHANTOM OF THE OPERA" THEMED STAY AT PALAIS GARNIER 239 00:15:11,744 --> 00:15:13,412 IN PARIS, WHERE THEY'VE SET UP THIS 240 00:15:13,412 --> 00:15:15,314 BEDCHAMBER RIGHT INSIDE THE THEATER. 241 00:15:15,314 --> 00:15:18,017 NOW, TO MAKE THE EXPERIENCE TRULY AUTHENTIC, YOU'LL SPEND 242 00:15:18,017 --> 00:15:22,154 YOUR WHOLE NIGHT BEING HARASSED BY A DISFIGURED INCEL. 243 00:15:22,154 --> 00:15:26,959 C'EST L'AMOUR! MEANWHILE, EVERYONE IS FINE, 244 00:15:26,959 --> 00:15:29,662 BUT THE MARS WRIGLEY COMPANY HAS BEEN FINED AFTER 245 00:15:29,662 --> 00:15:31,563 TWO WORKERS FELL INTO A VAT OF CHOCOLATE. 246 00:15:31,563 --> 00:15:35,267 SURE. "FELL." 247 00:15:35,267 --> 00:15:39,638 "OH, NO, I'VE FALLEN INTO A VAT OF CHOCOLATE! 248 00:15:39,638 --> 00:15:41,073 I GUESS I GOTTA EAT MY WAY OUT AGAIN. 249 00:15:41,073 --> 00:15:45,678 BETTER THROW ME A LIFE PRESERVER MADE OF NOUGAT!" 250 00:15:45,678 --> 00:15:49,081 MEANWHILE, SANDWICH CHAIN SUBWAY IS EXPLORING SELLING THEIR 251 00:15:49,081 --> 00:15:52,985 BUSINESS FOR $10 BILLION. KEEP IN MIND, INVESTORS, 252 00:15:52,985 --> 00:15:59,458 FOR $1.50 MORE, THEY'LL THROW IN CHIPS AND A DRINK. 253 00:15:59,458 --> 00:16:01,527 MEANWHILE. [APPLAUSE] 254 00:16:01,527 --> 00:16:04,596 REALLY? SURE. 255 00:16:04,596 --> 00:16:06,332 MEANWHILE, SCIENTISTS FINALLY FOUND OUT WHAT A MONKEY 256 00:16:06,332 --> 00:16:11,670 MERMAID MUMMY REALLY IS. NOW, IF YOU'VE NEVER SEEN THE 257 00:16:11,670 --> 00:16:13,539 FAMED MYSTERY MONKEY MERMAID MUMMY, IT WAS DISCOVERED DECADES 258 00:16:13,539 --> 00:16:15,874 AGO IN A JAPANESE TEMPLE. AND IT LOOKS SOMETHING 259 00:16:15,874 --> 00:16:19,178 LIKE THIS. GAH! 260 00:16:19,178 --> 00:16:21,947 I CAN UNDERSTAND WANTING TO FIGURE OUT WHAT THE HELL 261 00:16:21,947 --> 00:16:26,385 THAT IS, IF ONLY TO TO LEARN HOW TO KILL IT. 262 00:16:26,385 --> 00:16:28,387 BUT NOW, SCIENTISTS USING CUTTING EDGE MERMONKEY 263 00:16:28,387 --> 00:16:30,522 TECHNOLOGY, HAVE DISCOVERED THAT THE MUMMY WASN'T AN ANIMAL, 264 00:16:30,522 --> 00:16:35,527 IT WAS MERELY AN OBJECT, SPECIFICALLY A DOLL, 265 00:16:35,527 --> 00:16:37,363 LIKELY MADE IN THE LATE 1800s. THEY DETERMINED THIS BASED ON 266 00:16:37,363 --> 00:16:39,565 X-RAYS AND ALSO ON WHAT THE SCREAMING MONKEY DOLL TOLD THEM 267 00:16:39,565 --> 00:16:43,869 WHEN IT APPEARED IN THEIR NIGHTMARES FOR THE REST OF 268 00:16:43,869 --> 00:16:48,741 ETERNITY. MEANWHILE, DOWN IN GEORGIA, 269 00:16:48,741 --> 00:16:50,509 A DISORIENTED OWL HAS FORCED A COLLEGE TO SHUT DOWN A LIBRARY 270 00:16:50,509 --> 00:16:55,414 FOR NEARLY A WEEK. HEY, IT COULD JUST BE DOING 271 00:16:55,414 --> 00:16:58,817 RESEARCH. AFTER YEARS OF ASKING "WHO?" 272 00:16:58,817 --> 00:17:13,399 MAYBE IT'S FINALLY ASKING "WHY?" [APPLAUSE] 273 00:17:13,399 --> 00:17:23,609 [AUDIENCE HOOTING] Stephen: REALLY? 274 00:17:23,609 --> 00:17:25,411 TO GET RID OF THE OWL, THE SCHOOL HAS HIRED 275 00:17:25,411 --> 00:17:26,912 A PROFESSIONAL FALCONER WHO LEFT A DOOR OPEN AND THEN TRIED 276 00:17:26,912 --> 00:17:32,718 TO SHOO THE OWL AWAY WITH A REALLY LONG STICK. 277 00:17:32,718 --> 00:17:36,455 TO RECAP: OPEN DOOR PLUS LONG STICK EQUALS PROFESSIONAL 278 00:17:36,455 --> 00:17:39,892 FALCONER. I ONCE KNOCKED A FRISBEE 279 00:17:39,892 --> 00:17:42,327 OUT OF A PARTICULARLY TALL BUSH WITH A RAKE. 280 00:17:42,327 --> 00:17:46,432 DOES THAT MAKE ME A PROFESSIONAL BEEKEEPER? 281 00:17:46,432 --> 00:17:48,867 MEANWHILE, THERE'S NEWS FROM THE BEST AND WORST PLACE EVER: 282 00:17:48,867 --> 00:17:51,837 THE INTERNET. BECAUSE MICROSOFT HAS OFFICIALLY 283 00:17:51,837 --> 00:17:55,908 RETIRED INTERNET EXPLORER. THE BROWSER WILL NOW SPEND 284 00:17:55,908 --> 00:18:04,283 ITS TIME LIKE MANY RETIREES: TRYING TO DOWNLOAD CHROME. 285 00:18:04,283 --> 00:18:11,423 CALLING ITS GRANDSON. MEANWHILE, A RECENT PIZZA 286 00:18:11,423 --> 00:18:14,793 DELIVERY IN LOUISIANA WENT AWRY WHEN THE HOMEOWNER OPENING THE 287 00:18:14,793 --> 00:18:17,529 DOOR FOR THE DOMINO'S GUY OFFERED A SNEAKY SQUIRREL 288 00:18:17,529 --> 00:18:20,566 THE OPPORTUNITY TO INVADE THE HOME. 289 00:18:20,566 --> 00:18:22,568 NOW, SOME SAY THE SQUIRREL WAS JUST TRYING TO GET A BITE 290 00:18:22,568 --> 00:18:24,002 OF THE PIZZA. BUT THAT WOULD BE RIDICULOUS. 291 00:18:24,002 --> 00:18:31,610 IT WAS DOMINO'S. THE WHOLE ORDEAL WAS CAUGHT 292 00:18:31,610 --> 00:18:34,913 ON THE FAMILY'S DOORBELL CAM. LET'S TAKE A LOOK. 293 00:18:34,913 --> 00:18:36,315 HI. HOW ARE YOU DOING TODAY? 294 00:18:36,315 --> 00:18:39,918 GOOD. [SCREAMING] 295 00:18:39,918 --> 00:18:41,186 Stephen: SO THIS WAS EITHER A DELIVERY GONE WRONG OR 296 00:18:41,186 --> 00:18:44,990 THE START TO THE WORLD'S LEAST SEXY PORN. 297 00:18:44,990 --> 00:18:50,462 "OH, OH, IS THAT MY EXTRA-LARGE SAUSAGE. 298 00:18:50,462 --> 00:18:54,867 I DON'T HAVE ANY CASH TO PAY FOR-- 299 00:18:54,867 --> 00:18:55,767 SQUIRREL! WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK 300 00:18:55,767 --> 00:18:57,836 WITH JIM GAFFIGAN. ♪ ♪ 301 00:19:17,256 --> 00:19:19,358 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] Stephen: THAT'S RIGHT. 302 00:19:19,358 --> 00:19:21,026 THAT'S RIGHT. THERE YOU GO. 303 00:19:21,026 --> 00:19:24,863 HEY, EVERYBODY. WELCOME BACK. 304 00:19:24,863 --> 00:19:27,299 LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, YOU KNOW MY FIRST GUEST 305 00:19:27,299 --> 00:19:28,867 FROM HIS STANDUP COMEDY SPECIALS AND HIS APPEARANCES ON 306 00:19:28,867 --> 00:19:32,538 "CBS SUNDAY MORNING." HE NOW STARS 307 00:19:32,538 --> 00:19:33,772 IN THE NEW MOVIE "LINOLEUM." PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO 308 00:19:33,772 --> 00:19:40,779 "THE LATE SHOW," JIM GAFFIGAN. 309 00:19:40,779 --> 00:19:56,795 ♪ ♪ 310 00:19:56,795 --> 00:19:58,096 Jim: THANK YOU. Stephen: ALWAYS A PLEASURE. 311 00:19:58,096 --> 00:20:00,866 ALWAYS A DISTINCT PLEASURE TO HAVE YOU HERE. 312 00:20:00,866 --> 00:20:03,535 JIM, IT'S BEEN TOO LONG. HOW ARE YOU DOING? 313 00:20:03,535 --> 00:20:08,340 Jim: I'M, I'M EXHAUSTED. WHEN YOU HAVE SOMEONE ON THE 314 00:20:08,340 --> 00:20:12,044 SHOW, YOU WANT SOMEONE TO JUST COME OUT AND COMPLAIN BUT I'M 315 00:20:12,044 --> 00:20:12,978 TIRED. I'M ALWAYS TIRED. 316 00:20:12,978 --> 00:20:14,846 I AM MARRIED TO A WOMAN WHO NEVER SLEEPS. 317 00:20:14,846 --> 00:20:17,349 I DON'T KNOW IF YOU ARE WITH A NONSLEEPER. 318 00:20:17,349 --> 00:20:21,820 Stephen: SHE IS MUCH MORE UP AND AT 'EM THAT I AM. 319 00:20:21,820 --> 00:20:25,223 Jim: IF YOU'RE WITH SOMEONE WHO NEVER SLEEPS, YOU ATTEMPT TO 320 00:20:25,223 --> 00:20:30,495 GET REST AND YOU APPEAR SELFISH. EVERY NIGHT MY WIFE IS LIKE, 321 00:20:30,495 --> 00:20:32,931 OAK, YOU'RE GOING TO BED? IT'S 3:00 A.M. 322 00:20:32,931 --> 00:20:34,232 I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME. I DO. 323 00:20:34,232 --> 00:20:37,569 IS THERE SOMETHING YOU NEED TO TELL ME? 324 00:20:37,569 --> 00:20:42,274 I'M TIRED. I'M ALWAYS TIRED. 325 00:20:42,274 --> 00:20:45,844 PEOPLE THINK I'M HUNG OVER. I'VE HAD PEOPLE LIKE, DID YOU 326 00:20:45,844 --> 00:20:48,547 TIE ONE ON LAST NIGHT? NO, THIS IS JUST MY BODY TRYING 327 00:20:48,547 --> 00:20:50,782 TO STAY ALIVE. I'VE ACTUALLY BECOME ONE OF 328 00:20:50,782 --> 00:20:53,318 THOSE GUYS THAT WHEN I'M SITTING IN A CHAIR AND I GO TO GET OUT 329 00:20:53,318 --> 00:20:58,056 OF THE CHAIR, PEOPLE AROUND ME ARE LIKE, I DON'T THINK HE'S 330 00:20:58,056 --> 00:21:02,828 GOING TO BE ABLE TO DO IT. IT'S LIKE, I HAVE TO MAKE A 331 00:21:02,828 --> 00:21:04,730 PLAN. LIKE IF I WAS GOING TO GET UP 332 00:21:04,730 --> 00:21:07,099 RIGHT NOW, I WOULD HAVE TO BE LIKE ALL RIGHT, THROW THAT BIG 333 00:21:07,099 --> 00:21:09,101 HEAD FORWARD AND WISH FOR THE BEST. 334 00:21:09,101 --> 00:21:13,772 IT'S BRUTAL. IT'S NO JOKE. 335 00:21:13,772 --> 00:21:18,243 RECENTLY MY WIFE WAS LIKE, WE NEED TO FIND OUT WHY YOU'RE SO 336 00:21:18,243 --> 00:21:22,147 TIRED. I WAS LIKE, "I THINK IT'S YOU." 337 00:21:22,147 --> 00:21:24,983 Stephen: HOW DID SHE TAKE THAT? 338 00:21:24,983 --> 00:21:26,618 Jim: SHE HAD ME CALL OUR DOCTOR WHO IS REALLY OUR 339 00:21:26,618 --> 00:21:28,920 PEDIATRICIAN. SHE IS AN AMAZING DOCTOR. 340 00:21:28,920 --> 00:21:32,324 SHE HAD ME DO ONE OF THESE AT HOME SLEEP STUDIES WHERE I SLEPT 341 00:21:32,324 --> 00:21:35,694 WITH A MASK ON. I DROPPED IT OFF AND SHE CALLED 342 00:21:35,694 --> 00:21:38,430 TWO WEEKS LATER AND SHE WAS LIKE JIM, WE SHOULD TALK TO THESE 343 00:21:38,430 --> 00:21:39,998 RESULTS. I'M LIKE, SURE. 344 00:21:39,998 --> 00:21:43,035 SHE'S LIKE, FIRST OF ALL YOU HAVE TO UNDERSTAND MILLIONS OF 345 00:21:43,035 --> 00:21:48,974 PEOPLE SUFFER FROM SLEEP APNEA. BUT YOU ARE JUST A LAZY SACK. 346 00:21:48,974 --> 00:21:51,743 WHAT A RELIEF. THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH ME. 347 00:21:51,743 --> 00:21:56,214 MY BODY IS JUST A LEMON. MY FANTASY IS THAT WHEN I DIE, 348 00:21:56,214 --> 00:22:00,719 THEY'LL DISCOVER I HAD LYME DISEASE MY ENTIRE LIFE. 349 00:22:00,719 --> 00:22:04,990 LIKE THE MEDICAL COMMUNITY WILL GATHER AND BE LIKE, HE'S THE 350 00:22:04,990 --> 00:22:08,126 MOST PRODUCTIVE LYME DISEASER EVER. 351 00:22:08,126 --> 00:22:11,329 Stephen: WHAT COURAGE, WITH COURAGE, THEY'LL SAY. 352 00:22:11,329 --> 00:22:15,167 KIDS CAN MAKE YOU TIRED. I KNOW YOU'VE GOT THE FIVE KIDS 353 00:22:15,167 --> 00:22:17,035 WHICH THESE DAYS IS A LOT OF KIDS. 354 00:22:17,035 --> 00:22:21,707 THEY MUST WEAR YOU DOWN. HOW IS THAT GOING? 355 00:22:21,707 --> 00:22:23,742 Jim: IT'S-- IT'S-- 356 00:22:23,742 --> 00:22:25,977 IT WAS A MISTAKE. Stephen: ALL OF THEM ARE 357 00:22:25,977 --> 00:22:29,748 JUST THE LAST ONE? Jim: I WOULD SAY ALL OF 358 00:22:29,748 --> 00:22:30,982 THEM. IT'S A LOT. 359 00:22:30,982 --> 00:22:36,088 FIVE KIDS. IT'S NOT LIKE, YOU KNOW, IF I 360 00:22:36,088 --> 00:22:39,958 DID ANYTHING ABOUT IT NOW, PEOPLE WOULD GET SO UPSET. 361 00:22:39,958 --> 00:22:42,794 IF I WAS LIKE, HOW OLD IS THE FETUS? 362 00:22:42,794 --> 00:22:46,198 17 YEARS. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? 363 00:22:46,198 --> 00:22:51,403 FIVE KIDS IS A LOT. MY WIFE WORKS SO HARD, WORK SO 364 00:22:51,403 --> 00:22:54,840 HARD AND I TRIED TO TRAVEL AS MUCH AS I CAN. 365 00:22:54,840 --> 00:22:59,044 Stephen: DO YOUR PART. Jim: THERE IS ALWAYS HELP. 366 00:22:59,044 --> 00:23:02,748 THERE'S A BABYSITTER OR HELPER. THESE PEOPLE HAVE INCREDIBLE 367 00:23:02,748 --> 00:23:05,717 BACK STORIES. OFTEN THEY HAVE ESCAPED FROM A 368 00:23:05,717 --> 00:23:09,020 COUNTRY WITH OPPRESSIVE REGIME, THEY ARE USUALLY SENDING MONEY 369 00:23:09,020 --> 00:23:11,990 BACK TO HELP A RELATIVE. AFTER THEY HAVE WORKED FOR US 370 00:23:11,990 --> 00:23:15,961 FOR A MONTH, THEY ALWAYS COME UP AND SAY THE SAME THING. 371 00:23:15,961 --> 00:23:17,863 "I QUIT." I WILL ASK, DO YOU NEED MORE 372 00:23:17,863 --> 00:23:22,534 MONEY AND THEY'RE LIKE, I'M GOING BACK TO NORTH KOREA. 373 00:23:22,534 --> 00:23:26,371 THAT PLACES LIKE A VACATION COMPARED TO YOUR FAMILY. 374 00:23:26,371 --> 00:23:29,741 Stephen: WELL, OKAY. HOW ABOUT VACATIONS? 375 00:23:29,741 --> 00:23:32,711 YOU HAVE THE FIVE KIDS. WHEN I WAS A KID WE WOULD PILE 376 00:23:32,711 --> 00:23:36,515 EVERYBODY INTO THE STATION WAGON WITH A MATTRESS IN THE BACK AND 377 00:23:36,515 --> 00:23:39,584 OFF WE WOULD GO PLAYING "EYES SPY." 378 00:23:39,584 --> 00:23:44,756 ARE YOU A FUN VACATION FAMILY? Jim: I'M SO LUCKY BECAUSE 379 00:23:44,756 --> 00:23:47,225 OF STAND-UP COMEDY. I'VE BEEN ABLE TO TAKE MY 380 00:23:47,225 --> 00:23:51,363 CHILDREN AMAZING PLACES. I WILL DO A SHOW AND ITS 381 00:23:51,363 --> 00:23:53,532 INCREDIBLE PLACES WITH THEM AND DURING EACH OF THESE TRIPS THERE 382 00:23:53,532 --> 00:23:57,435 IS USUALLY A MOMENT WHERE I LOOK AT MY KIDS AND I THINK I COULD 383 00:23:57,435 --> 00:24:01,940 JUST LEAVE THEM HERE. YOU KNOW. 384 00:24:01,940 --> 00:24:05,510 IT'S TOO HARD. IT'S TOO HARD TO TRAVEL. 385 00:24:05,510 --> 00:24:08,446 THAT'S WHY EVERY DAD, YEAH, EVERY DAD ON VACATION AND KIND 386 00:24:08,446 --> 00:24:12,317 OF LOOKS LIKE HE LOST A BET. WE HAVE ALL BEEN ON VACATION. 387 00:24:12,317 --> 00:24:16,721 WE HAVE SEEN THAT 50-YEAR-OLD GUY WHO'S JUST KIND OF CONFUSED. 388 00:24:16,721 --> 00:24:26,331 HE IS LOOKING AROUND. LIKE, THIS IS MY VACATION? 389 00:24:26,331 --> 00:24:34,906 BUT I'M NOT HAVING ANY FUN. IT'S AMAZING. 390 00:24:34,906 --> 00:24:38,677 Stephen: DID YOU ALWAYS WANT TO BE A COMEDIAN? 391 00:24:38,677 --> 00:24:42,747 Jim: I ALWAYS WANTED TO BE A COMEDIAN AND AN ACTOR. 392 00:24:42,747 --> 00:24:45,150 BUT I GREW UP IN A SMALL TOWN IN THE MIDWEST. 393 00:24:45,150 --> 00:24:48,320 I DIDN'T REALLY-- THERE WAS NO ONE IN THE 394 00:24:48,320 --> 00:24:52,557 ENTERTAINMENT INDUSTRY. Stephen: HOW DO YOU BECOME 395 00:24:52,557 --> 00:24:54,059 THAT? Jim: THE CLOSEST THING WAS 396 00:24:54,059 --> 00:24:58,630 THE MARCHING BAND AND I DIDN'T PLAY AN INSTRUMENT SO IT WAS 397 00:24:58,630 --> 00:25:02,767 JUST VERY, YOU KNOW, IT WAS KIND OF LIKE BEING AN ASTRONAUT. 398 00:25:02,767 --> 00:25:07,939 IT WAS A DELUSIONAL IDEA. BUT I REMEMBER WHEN I WAS LIKE 399 00:25:07,939 --> 00:25:11,343 PROBABLY 8 YEARS OLD, MY MOM TOOK ME AND MY BROTHER JOE TO A 400 00:25:11,343 --> 00:25:14,946 MOVIE AND THEN AFTERWARDS WE WERE IN THE CHICKEN ON LIMITED 401 00:25:14,946 --> 00:25:17,349 WHICH I THINK IS REALLY A RESTAURANT. 402 00:25:17,349 --> 00:25:20,719 SHE ASKED US, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP AND MY 403 00:25:20,719 --> 00:25:22,854 BROTHER SAID HE WANTED TO BE A HELICOPTER PILOT AND I SAID I 404 00:25:22,854 --> 00:25:30,495 WANTED TO BE AN ACTRESS. Stephen: GOOD FOR YOU. 405 00:25:30,495 --> 00:25:34,566 WE HAVE TO TAKE A LITTLE BIT OF A BREAK BUT STICK AROUND. 406 00:25:34,566 --> 00:25:40,171 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE MR. JIM GAFFIGAN, EVERYBODY. 407 00:25:45,210 --> 00:25:47,545 Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY. LOOK AT THAT, THE STAR OF 408 00:25:47,545 --> 00:25:48,613 "LINOLEUM." JIM GAFFIGAN. 409 00:25:48,613 --> 00:25:52,751 JIM GAFFIGAN, YOU'RE IN THE NEW MOVIE "LINOLEUM." 410 00:25:52,751 --> 00:25:55,620 AN ASTRONAUT PLAYS INTO THIS. EXPLAIN WHAT HAPPENS IN THE 411 00:25:55,620 --> 00:25:59,457 MOVIE. Jim: THE MOVIE IS AMAZING. 412 00:25:59,457 --> 00:26:01,860 I SHOULD SET THIS UP. I LOVE MOVIES YOU CAN WATCH AND 413 00:26:01,860 --> 00:26:06,998 THEN YOU'LL HAVE A CONVERSATION ABOUT LATER. 414 00:26:06,998 --> 00:26:09,768 I LOVE IT ENTERTAINMENT BUT I ALSO LOVE A MOVIE WHERE YOU TURN 415 00:26:09,768 --> 00:26:13,238 TO THE PERSON YOU SAW THE MOVIE WITHIN YOU SAY, WAS THIS ABOUT 416 00:26:13,238 --> 00:26:17,275 THAT OR WAS THAT THIS? THIS MOVIE IS ABOUT A GUY WHO 417 00:26:17,275 --> 00:26:20,946 ALWAYS DREAMED OF BEING AN ASTRONAUT. 418 00:26:20,946 --> 00:26:23,114 Stephen: AND MATTHEW. Jim: THAT'S PLAYED BY ME 419 00:26:23,114 --> 00:26:29,187 AND EVENTUALLY HE HAS A CHILDHOOD, KIDS CHAUFFEURS 420 00:26:29,187 --> 00:26:33,091 SCIENCE. Stephen: MR. WIZARD. 421 00:26:33,091 --> 00:26:38,763 Jim: BILL NYE. HE GETS REPLACED ON HIS OWN SHOW 422 00:26:38,763 --> 00:26:42,000 IDENTICAL TO HIM, ALSO PLAYED BY ME. 423 00:26:42,000 --> 00:26:48,807 THE ROCKET LANDS IN HIS BACKYARD AND HE DECIDES TO BUILD HIS OWN 424 00:26:48,807 --> 00:26:51,543 ROCKET SO WE CAN GO TO OUTER SPACE. 425 00:26:51,543 --> 00:26:56,681 NOW, I KNOW THAT SOUNDS SIMPLE. THAT SOME OF WHAT THE MOVIE IS 426 00:26:56,681 --> 00:27:00,085 ABOUT. BUT REALLY THE MOVIE IS LARGELY 427 00:27:00,085 --> 00:27:04,055 ABOUT, I MEAN, I THINK IT'S A LOVE STORY BECAUSE IT'S ABOUT 428 00:27:04,055 --> 00:27:08,026 RELATIONSHIPS. BUT IT'S ALSO ABOUT OUR MEMORIES 429 00:27:08,026 --> 00:27:10,061 AND WHAT WE REMEMBER. I DON'T KNOW. 430 00:27:10,061 --> 00:27:12,263 I THINK IT'S A PRETTY SPECIAL MOVIE. 431 00:27:12,263 --> 00:27:16,768 IT'S ONE OF THOSE THINGS WHERE I WATCHED IT WITH MY KIDS AND THEY 432 00:27:16,768 --> 00:27:21,606 WERE ANGRY BECAUSE THEY WERE UPSET, BECAUSE IT'S KIND OF-- 433 00:27:21,606 --> 00:27:29,547 IT'S A MOVING-- IT ENDS WITH A LOCKED OF HEART. 434 00:27:29,547 --> 00:27:34,819 A LOT OF HEART. Stephen: WE HAVE A CLIP. 435 00:27:34,819 --> 00:27:38,289 Jim: WE ARE GOING THREE MARITAL CRISIS AND SHE IS LIVING 436 00:27:38,289 --> 00:27:45,363 SOMEWHERE ELSE. SHE COMES HOME AND SHE DISCOVERS 437 00:27:45,363 --> 00:27:49,567 THAT I HAVE A ROCKET IN OUR GARAGE. 438 00:27:49,567 --> 00:27:55,106 WHAT IS THIS? CAMERON. 439 00:27:55,106 --> 00:28:02,514 I WAS BUILDING-- I WAS TRYING TO BUILD A ROCKET. 440 00:28:02,514 --> 00:28:06,384 A ROCKET? IN THE GARAGE? 441 00:28:06,384 --> 00:28:08,987 YEAH. BUT IT CLEARLY DIDN'T WORK. 442 00:28:08,987 --> 00:28:13,992 CAMERON. THIS IS INSANE. 443 00:28:13,992 --> 00:28:17,896 WHAT ARE YOU EVEN TALKING ABOUT? IT'S BREAKING THE LAW. 444 00:28:17,896 --> 00:28:21,299 SINCE WHEN DID YOU CARE ABOUT RULES SO MUCH? 445 00:28:21,299 --> 00:28:25,136 SOMEONE HAD TO. I'LL FIX IT ALL BACK. 446 00:28:25,136 --> 00:28:31,609 REALLY? ERIN. 447 00:28:31,609 --> 00:28:45,123 [APPLAUSE] Jim: HOW AMAZING IS RHEA 448 00:28:45,123 --> 00:28:46,357 SEEHORN. Stephen: "LINOLEUM" WILL BE 449 00:28:46,357 --> 00:28:49,527 IN THEATERS FEBRUARY 24 WITH JIM GAFFIGAN. 450 00:28:49,527 --> 00:28:52,597 WE'LL BE BACK WITH JESSE WILLIAMS. 451 00:29:06,010 --> 00:29:07,245 ♪ ♪ Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY. 452 00:29:07,245 --> 00:29:10,315 WELCOME BACK. THANK YOU. 453 00:29:10,315 --> 00:29:17,055 THANK YOU, MY FRIENDS. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, 454 00:29:17,055 --> 00:29:21,459 BOYS & GIRLS CLUB OF CHILDREN OF ALL AGES, MY NEXT GUEST ON THE 455 00:29:21,459 --> 00:29:25,763 LATE SHOW IS AN ACTOR YOU KNOW FROM SHOWS LIKE 456 00:29:25,763 --> 00:29:29,234 HE NOW STARS IN THE NEW NETFLIX ROM-COM, "YOUR PLACE OR MINE." 457 00:29:29,234 --> 00:29:31,736 PLEASE ELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW," 458 00:29:31,736 --> 00:29:47,852 JESSE WILLIAMS. GOOD TO HAVE YOU ON. 459 00:29:47,852 --> 00:29:54,526 CAN I START BY SAYING WHAT A HUGE FAN I AM OF YOURS. 460 00:29:54,526 --> 00:30:00,732 I WOULD SIT IN THE AUDIENCE AT COLBERT REPORT. 461 00:30:00,732 --> 00:30:06,304 WE WILL WATCH YOU. THE MOST INCREDIBLE WRITTEN AND 462 00:30:06,304 --> 00:30:10,208 PERFORMED SHOW. I'M A HUGE FAN. 463 00:30:10,208 --> 00:30:15,180 TO BE ABLE TO BE HERE NOW. Stephen: I AM REALLY 464 00:30:15,180 --> 00:30:18,183 ENJOYING THIS INTERVIEW RIGHT NOW. 465 00:30:18,183 --> 00:30:21,819 YOU ARE A BUSY MAN YOURSELF. YOU JUST FINISHED-- 466 00:30:21,819 --> 00:30:25,890 YOU WRAPPED UP A BROADWAY PLAY, THE TONY AWARD WINNING "TAKE 467 00:30:25,890 --> 00:30:30,795 OUT." NOW YOU'RE IN ONE OF THE MOST, 468 00:30:30,795 --> 00:30:35,433 ONE OF THE MOST FUN SHOWS OUT THERE, SEASON THREE OF "ONLY 469 00:30:35,433 --> 00:30:40,972 MURDERS IN THE BUILDING." WHAT AN HONOR AND A PLEASURE TO 470 00:30:40,972 --> 00:30:44,842 SPEND TIME WITH STEVE MARTIN AND MARTIN SHORT. 471 00:30:44,842 --> 00:30:53,551 Jesse: IT'S WILD. I JUST STARTED SHOOTING THE 472 00:30:53,551 --> 00:30:54,352 SHOW. STEVE AND MARTY CAME TO THE 473 00:30:54,352 --> 00:30:55,486 PLAY. WE HAD A REALLY LONG DINNER. 474 00:30:55,486 --> 00:31:00,758 I GREW UP, AS WE ALL DID, THESE GUYS ARE JUST TITANS. 475 00:31:00,758 --> 00:31:08,566 SO FAR, MY FIRST DAY ON SET WAS WITH MERYL STREEP, PAUL RUDD, 476 00:31:08,566 --> 00:31:11,135 SELENA GOMEZ. Stephen: TEN YEARS ON 477 00:31:11,135 --> 00:31:17,108 "GREY'S ANATOMY." ALMOST TEN SEASONS. 478 00:31:17,108 --> 00:31:21,813 WHAT IS IT LIKE TO STRETCH YOUR LEGS DOING COMEDY NOW? 479 00:31:21,813 --> 00:31:25,116 IT'S A SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT BEAST. Jesse: IT'S GREAT TO LEARN 480 00:31:25,116 --> 00:31:27,785 AND COMPLETELY FUMBLE BUT I'M LEARNING AND TRYING TO PLAY 481 00:31:27,785 --> 00:31:30,989 AROUND WITH SOME OF THE COMEDY STUFF BEING A LITTLE LIGHTER. 482 00:31:30,989 --> 00:31:33,191 IT'S KIND OF MY NATURAL DISPOSITION. 483 00:31:33,191 --> 00:31:35,627 THESE PEOPLE WHO I REALLY ADMIRE AND THE WRITERS ARE INCREDIBLE 484 00:31:35,627 --> 00:31:38,830 SO I'M HAPPY TO BE ABLE TO GET THAT BALANCE. 485 00:31:38,830 --> 00:31:42,667 SO MUCH OF MY WORK, I DO A LOT OF SOCIAL JUSTICE WORK AROUND 486 00:31:42,667 --> 00:31:45,470 SERIOUS ISSUES AND IT'S NICE TO HAVE A BALANCE. 487 00:31:45,470 --> 00:31:49,907 Stephen: WHEN YOU WERE DOING "GREY'S ANATOMY," DID YOU 488 00:31:49,907 --> 00:31:52,577 EVER-- DID PEOPLE EVER THINK THAT YOU 489 00:31:52,577 --> 00:31:57,815 KNEW ABOUT MEDICINE. Jesse: YEAH, A COUPLE 490 00:31:57,815 --> 00:31:59,017 TIMES. I'VE SAID THIS BEFORE BUT I HAVE 491 00:31:59,017 --> 00:32:01,352 BEN ON A PLANE TO DIFFERENT TIMES WHEN THEY HAVE SAID, IS 492 00:32:01,352 --> 00:32:04,188 THERE A DOCTOR ON BOARD? SOMEBODY NEEDS IT. 493 00:32:04,188 --> 00:32:06,557 THEY LOOK AT ME. I SAY THE ONE THING YOU KNOW 494 00:32:06,557 --> 00:32:09,894 ABOUT ME FOR SURE IS THAT I'M NOT A DOCTOR. 495 00:32:09,894 --> 00:32:13,965 BUT YET STILL. IT'S HAPPENED ON TWO DIFFERENT 496 00:32:13,965 --> 00:32:15,366 OCCASIONS. Stephen: THAT GOOD OF AN 497 00:32:15,366 --> 00:32:17,035 ACTOR. Jesse: THAT IS A GOOD WAY 498 00:32:17,035 --> 00:32:20,605 TO SPIN IT. Stephen: JUST KEEP ACTING. 499 00:32:20,605 --> 00:32:25,777 "WE ARE LOSING HIM!" Jesse: HAVE ANOTHER GIN AND 500 00:32:25,777 --> 00:32:28,012 TONIC. IT IS DOING ALL THIS WORK YOU'RE 501 00:32:28,012 --> 00:32:35,653 DOING, WHICH IS GREAT, YOU NEED TIME TO WIND DOWN. 502 00:32:35,653 --> 00:32:39,157 WHAT DO YOU DO FOR FUN? WHAT IS YOUR OFF TIME ACTIVITY? 503 00:32:39,157 --> 00:32:41,192 Jesse: FOR ME THE GREATEST PIECES BEING ON THE OCEAN, BEING 504 00:32:41,192 --> 00:32:45,830 ON THE WATER. I HAVE A TON OF FAMILY IN 505 00:32:45,830 --> 00:32:49,967 NEW ENGLAND AND IN MAINE, I GREW UP SAILING. 506 00:32:49,967 --> 00:32:54,939 FROM A SMALL KID. A LOT OF MY FAMILY MEMBERS ARE 507 00:32:54,939 --> 00:32:56,774 BOATBUILDERS. Stephen: BOATBUILDERS? 508 00:32:56,774 --> 00:32:59,410 Jesse: BOATBUILDERS AND SEA CAPTAINS. 509 00:32:59,410 --> 00:33:01,112 FOR REAL. Stephen: SO YOU ARE A 510 00:33:01,112 --> 00:33:04,415 CRUSTY OLD DOG. Jesse: SALTY DOG. 511 00:33:04,415 --> 00:33:05,917 Stephen: OPEN OCEAN SAILING? 512 00:33:05,917 --> 00:33:09,053 Jesse: IN THE COVE, IN THE BAY, OPEN OCEAN. 513 00:33:09,053 --> 00:33:12,423 I'VE DONE FIVE, SIX DAY TRIPS WITHOUT TOUCHING LAND ON A 514 00:33:12,423 --> 00:33:15,159 SCHOONER. Stephen: JUST SAYING THE 515 00:33:15,159 --> 00:33:16,527 WORD SCHOONER. IT MAKES YOU SEEM SALTY. 516 00:33:16,527 --> 00:33:24,969 Jesse: A FIVE DAY TRIP WITH TWO OF MY GOOD FRIENDS ON A-- 517 00:33:24,969 --> 00:33:29,307 I LOVE BEING ON THE WATER. Stephen: NOTHING LIKE BEING 518 00:33:29,307 --> 00:33:32,543 ON THE WATER AT NIGHT WITH THE STARS, EXTRAORDINARY. 519 00:33:32,543 --> 00:33:34,379 DO YOU FISH? Jesse: I HAVEN'T SPENT A 520 00:33:34,379 --> 00:33:37,448 LOT OF TIME FISHING. I'M ABOUT TO TAKE A VACATION AND 521 00:33:37,448 --> 00:33:44,555 TRY TO DO SOME FISHING. UP IN MAINE, HIS KIDS THE 522 00:33:44,555 --> 00:33:56,000 MACKEREL WOULD RUN IN AUGUST. 10-INCH. 523 00:33:56,000 --> 00:33:57,368 THEY WOULD RUN ON THE TOP OF THE SURFACE. 524 00:33:57,368 --> 00:34:02,640 WE WOULD HAVE A BALER AND THROW A LINE OUT ON THEY WOULD JUMP IN 525 00:34:02,640 --> 00:34:04,008 THE BOAT. I DON'T KNOW IF I WOULD CALL 526 00:34:04,008 --> 00:34:07,879 THAT FISHING. BUT I REMEMBER MY BROTHER TAKING 527 00:34:07,879 --> 00:34:11,749 MY BALER FULL OF MACKEREL AND AFTER THE WHOLE DAY, JUST 528 00:34:11,749 --> 00:34:13,651 THROWING IT OVERBOARD. HE DIDN'T KNOW. 529 00:34:13,651 --> 00:34:23,694 HE WAS LIKE THREE BUT I HOLD IT AGAINST HIM EVERY FES FESTIVUS. 530 00:34:23,694 --> 00:34:27,565 Stephen: YOU ARE IN A NEW REALM, WITH REESE WITHERSPOON 531 00:34:27,565 --> 00:34:34,472 AND ASHTON KUTCHER. Jesse: THIS IS WHEN REESE 532 00:34:34,472 --> 00:34:37,909 AND I FIRST MEET. SHE HAS A RIDICULOUSLY LARGE 533 00:34:37,909 --> 00:34:40,845 BEVERAGE. IT'S LIKE A GARDEN SALAD. 534 00:34:40,845 --> 00:34:46,017 WE FIRST ENCOUNTER EACH OTHER AND IT LENDS ITSELF TO A LITTLE 535 00:34:46,017 --> 00:34:50,621 ROMANTIC ENTANGLEMENT. Stephen: WHO DO YOU PLAY? 536 00:34:50,621 --> 00:34:56,828 Jesse: THEO MARTIN. SHE'S A WRITER, EDITOR. 537 00:34:56,828 --> 00:34:59,831 WE HAVE SIMILAR INTERESTS, SOME FIREWORKS. 538 00:34:59,831 --> 00:35:06,504 I HAVE READ EVERY BOOK. NOT EVERY BOOK. 539 00:35:06,504 --> 00:35:12,210 YES, WAY. 870 PAGE TOME. 540 00:35:12,210 --> 00:35:15,980 I READ IT IN TWO DAYS. SPY NOVEL. 541 00:35:15,980 --> 00:35:26,023 OCEAN OF LIES. I KEPT SAYING FOR A WEEK 542 00:35:26,023 --> 00:35:29,393 [SPEAKING GREEK] YO DID NOT READ THE DUST 543 00:35:29,393 --> 00:35:33,297 BOWL BOOK. I BOUGHT AT THE DAY CAME OUT. 544 00:35:33,297 --> 00:35:36,467 THAT WAS YOU? I'M PRETTY SURE WE ONLY SOLD THE 545 00:35:36,467 --> 00:35:38,236 ONE COPY. THAT WAS ME. 546 00:35:38,236 --> 00:35:44,308 I BOUGHT IT. Jesse: ZOE CHAO WAS GREAT 547 00:35:44,308 --> 00:35:45,109 IN THAT. IT'S BEEN LOVELY HAVING YOU 548 00:35:45,109 --> 00:35:45,977 HERE. "YOUR PLACE OR MINE" IS ON 549 00:35:45,977 --> 00:35:48,446 NETFLIX NOW. JESSE WILLIAMS, EVERYBODY. 550 00:35:48,446 --> 00:35:50,648 WE'LL BE BACK WITH A PERFORMANCE BY RAYE. 551 00:35:59,457 --> 00:36:02,293 Stephen: MAKING HER U.S. TELEVISION DEBUT WITH "ESCAPISM" 552 00:36:02,293 --> 00:36:06,430 FROM HER NEW ALBUM "MY 21ST CENTURY BLUES" ALONG WITH 553 00:36:06,430 --> 00:36:16,307 070 SHAKE, RAYE. ♪ SLEAZIN' AND TEASIN', 554 00:36:16,307 --> 00:36:18,576 I'M SITTIN' ON HIM ♪ ♪ ALL OF MY DIAMONDS 555 00:36:18,576 --> 00:36:21,279 ♪ ARE DRIPPIN' ON HIM ♪ ♪ I MET HIM AT THE BAR, 556 00:36:21,279 --> 00:36:23,214 IT WAS 2 OR SOMETHIN' ♪ ♪ I ORDERED TWO MORE WINES, 557 00:36:23,214 --> 00:36:25,516 'CAUSE TONIGHT, I WANT HIM ♪ ♪ A LITTLE CONTEXT 558 00:36:25,516 --> 00:36:30,922 IF YOU CARE TO LISTEN ♪ ♪ I FIND MYSELF 559 00:36:30,922 --> 00:36:32,423 IN A SPLIT POSITION ♪ ♪ THE MAN THAT I LOVE 560 00:36:32,423 --> 00:36:34,025 SAT ME DOWN LAST NIGHT ♪ ♪ AND HE TOLD ME THAT IT'S OVER, 561 00:36:34,025 --> 00:36:38,629 DUMB DECISION ♪ ♪ AND I DON'T WANNA FEEL 562 00:36:38,629 --> 00:36:41,198 HOW MY HEART IS RIPPIN' ♪ ♪ IN FACT, I DON'T WANNA FEEL, 563 00:36:41,198 --> 00:36:43,534 SO I STICK TO SIPPIN' ♪ ♪ AND I'M OUT ON THE TOWN 564 00:36:43,534 --> 00:36:47,738 WITH A SIMPLE MISSION ♪ ♪ IN MY LITTLE BLACK DRESS, 565 00:36:47,738 --> 00:36:49,407 AND SITTIN' ♪ ♪ JUST A HEART BROKE 566 00:36:49,407 --> 00:36:51,442 HIGH HEELS, SIX INCH ♪ ♪ IN THE BACK OF THE NIGHTCLUB, 567 00:36:51,442 --> 00:36:55,846 SIPPIN' CHAMPAGNE ♪ ♪ I DON'T TRUST ANY OF THESE 568 00:36:55,846 --> 00:36:57,415 SISTERS I'M WITH ♪ ♪ IN THE BACK OF THE TAXI, 569 00:36:57,415 --> 00:36:59,150 SNIFFIN' COCAINE ♪ ♪ DRUNK CALLS, DRUNK TEXTS, 570 00:36:59,150 --> 00:37:02,920 DRUNK TEARS, DRUNK SEX ♪ ♪ I WAS LOOKIN' FOR A MAN 571 00:37:02,920 --> 00:37:06,223 WHO WAS ON THE SAME PAGE ♪ ♪ NOW IT'S BACK TO THE INTRO, 572 00:37:06,223 --> 00:37:08,292 TO THE BAR ♪ ♪ TO THE BENTLEY, TO THE HOTEL, 573 00:37:08,292 --> 00:37:12,296 TO MY OLD WAYS ♪ ♪ 'CAUSE I DON'T WANNA FEEL 574 00:37:12,296 --> 00:37:18,069 HOW I DID LAST NIGHT ♪ ♪ I DON'T WANNA FEEL 575 00:37:18,069 --> 00:37:23,874 HOW I DID LAST NIGHT ♪ ANYTHING, PLEASE ♪ 576 00:37:23,874 --> 00:37:30,815 HAVE MERCY ON ME, TAKE THIS PAIN AWAY ♪ 577 00:37:30,815 --> 00:37:33,551 I'M BLOWIN' THIS STEAM ♪ ♪ BACK TO MY WAYS LIKE 2019 ♪ 578 00:37:33,551 --> 00:37:37,388 ♪ NOT 24 HOURS SINCE MY EX DID IT ♪ 579 00:37:37,388 --> 00:37:39,724 ♪ I GOT A NEW MAN ON ME, IT'S ABOUT TO GET ♪ 580 00:37:39,724 --> 00:37:41,092 ♪ LAST NIGHT REALLY WAS THE CHERRY ON THE CAKE ♪ 581 00:37:41,092 --> 00:37:44,261 ♪ BEEN SOME DARK DAYS LATELY AND I'M FINDING IT CRIPPLING ♪ 582 00:37:44,261 --> 00:37:46,364 ♪ EXCUSE MY STATE, I'M AS HIGH AS YOUR HOPES ♪ 583 00:37:46,364 --> 00:37:48,432 ♪ THAT YOU'LL MAKE IT TO MY BED, GET ME HOT AND SIZZLING ♪ 584 00:37:48,432 --> 00:37:50,901 ♪ IF I TAKE A STEP BACK TO SEE THE GLASS HALF FULL ♪ 585 00:37:50,901 --> 00:37:54,538 ♪ AT LEAST IT'S THE PRADA TWO-PIECE THAT I'M TRIPPIN' IN ♪ 586 00:37:54,538 --> 00:37:57,975 ♪ AND I'M ALREADY ACTIN' KNOW WHAT I MEAN? ♪ 587 00:37:57,975 --> 00:37:59,644 ♪ SO YOU MIGHT AS WELL ♪ JUST A HEART BROKE 588 00:37:59,644 --> 00:38:01,512 HIGH HEELS, SIX INCH ♪ ♪ IN THE BACK OF THE NIGHT CLUB, 589 00:38:01,512 --> 00:38:06,217 SIPPIN' CHAMPAGNE ♪ ♪ I DON'T TRUST ANY OF THESE 590 00:38:06,217 --> 00:38:08,853 I'M WITH ♪ ♪ IN THE BACK OF THE TAXI, 591 00:38:08,853 --> 00:38:10,488 ♪ DRUNK CALLS, DRUNK TEXTS, DRUNK TEARS, DRUNK SEX ♪ 592 00:38:10,488 --> 00:38:13,324 ♪ I WAS LOOKIN' FOR A MAN WHO WAS ON THE SAME PAGE ♪ 593 00:38:13,324 --> 00:38:15,793 ♪ NOW IT'S BACK TO THE INTRO, BACK TO THE BAR ♪ 594 00:38:15,793 --> 00:38:19,296 ♪ TO THE BENTLEY, TO THE HOTEL, TO MY OLD WAYS ♪ 595 00:38:19,296 --> 00:38:24,368 ♪ 'CAUSE I DON'T WANNA FEEL HOW I DID LAST NIGHT ♪ 596 00:38:24,368 --> 00:38:28,906 ♪ I DON'T WANNA FEEL HOW I DID LAST NIGHT ♪ 597 00:38:28,906 --> 00:38:30,975 ♪ DOCTOR, DOCTOR, ANYTHING, PLEASE ♪ 598 00:38:30,975 --> 00:38:36,447 ♪ DOCTOR, DOCTOR, HAVE MERCY ON ME 599 00:38:36,447 --> 00:38:39,583 ♪ YOU'RE ASKING ME MY SYMPTOMS, DOCTOR, I DON'T WANNA FEEL, 600 00:38:39,583 --> 00:38:45,456 ♪ 'CAUSE I DON'T WANNA FEEL HOW I FELT LAST NIGHT ♪ 601 00:38:45,456 --> 00:38:49,827 ♪ AND I DON'T WANNA FEEL LIKE I FELT LAST NIGHT ♪ 602 00:38:49,827 --> 00:38:54,832 ♪ BE AT PEACE WITH THE THINGS YOU CAN'T CHANGE 603 00:38:54,832 --> 00:39:01,138 YEAH ♪ ♪ YEAH ♪ 604 00:39:01,138 --> 00:39:04,375 ♪ OUT OF REACH, OUT OF TOUCH, TOO NUMB, I DON'T FEEL NO WAY ♪ 605 00:39:04,375 --> 00:39:06,677 ♪ TOAST UP, SO WHAT? STREET SMALL, BUT IT GO 606 00:39:06,677 --> 00:39:12,049 BOTH WAYS ♪ ♪ SO YOU'LL RUN, YEAH, 607 00:39:12,049 --> 00:39:18,089 BUT YOU'LL NEVER ESCAPE ♪ ♪ SUNSET IN THE MAZE 608 00:39:18,089 --> 00:39:25,196 ♪ I DON'T WANNA FEEL ♪ ♪ HOW I DID LAST NIGHT ♪ 609 00:39:25,196 --> 00:39:30,367 ♪ I DON'T WANNA FEEL HOW I DID LAST NIGHT, OH ♪ 610 00:39:30,367 --> 00:39:33,270 HOW I DID HOW I DID 611 00:39:33,270 --> 00:39:41,846 HOW I DID LAST NIGHT, OH ♪ ONE, TWO, THREE 612 00:39:41,846 --> 00:39:46,350 ♪ ♪ LIPSTICK SMUDGED 613 00:39:46,350 --> 00:39:48,385 LIKE MODERN ART ♪ ♪ I DON'T KNOW 614 00:39:48,385 --> 00:39:56,894 WHO'S DRIVIN' THE CAR ♪ ♪ SPEEDIN' DOWN THE HIGHWAY, 615 00:39:56,894 --> 00:39:58,395 ♪ SPILLING SECRETS TO THE STRANGER IN MY BED 616 00:39:58,395 --> 00:40:04,668 ♪ I REMEMBER NOTHING, SO THERE'S NOTHING TO REGRET 617 00:40:04,668 --> 00:40:10,407 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 618 00:40:10,407 --> 00:40:13,544 Stephen: 619 00:40:13,544 --> 00:40:17,815 THANK YOU. THANK YOU. 620 00:40:17,815 --> 00:40:20,518 RAYE, EVERYBODY. THAT'S IT FOR "THE LATE SHOW." 621 00:40:20,518 --> 00:40:23,554 TUNE IN TOMORROW. MY GUESTS WILL BE AL SHARPTON ON 622 00:40:23,554 --> 00:40:26,624 JESSICA WILLIAMS. GOOD NIGHT.