1 00:00:01,434 --> 00:00:04,204 >> AMID ALL THE BOOZE AND CAR ADS DURING SUNDAY NIGHT'S GAME, 2 00:00:04,270 --> 00:00:07,374 THERE WERE ALSO TWO SUPER BOWL COMMERCIALS FOR JESUS CHRIST. 3 00:00:07,440 --> 00:00:10,477 >> THE MESSAGES STARK, ARRESTING, AND BACKED BY 4 00:00:10,543 --> 00:00:14,514 $100 MILLION. THAT'S HOW MUCH ORGANIZERS SAY 5 00:00:14,581 --> 00:00:18,318 IS BEHIND THIS CAMPAIGN TO MARKET JESUS WITH THE TAGLINE 6 00:00:18,385 --> 00:00:22,222 "HE GETS US." >> BUT THE SUPER BOWL HAS A LONG 7 00:00:22,288 --> 00:00:26,760 HISTORY OF HIGH PROFILE ADVERTISEMENTS FOR RELIGION. 8 00:00:26,826 --> 00:00:30,130 >> YO, PICK UP THE PHONE. >> HELLO. 9 00:00:30,196 --> 00:00:31,865 >> JESUS! >> JEEESUS! 10 00:00:31,931 --> 00:00:35,835 >> JEEESUS! >> BU... 11 00:00:35,902 --> 00:00:39,038 >> DDDAH. >> BU... 12 00:00:39,105 --> 00:00:41,307 >> DDDAH. >> BU... 13 00:00:41,374 --> 00:00:47,213 >> DDDAH. ♪ ♪ 14 00:00:47,280 --> 00:00:50,150 >> YO QUIERO SATAN! >> Announcer: IT'S "THE LATE 15 00:00:50,216 --> 00:00:54,854 SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT." TONIGHT... 16 00:00:54,921 --> 00:01:02,529 SHINE BRIGHT LIKE A LINEMAN. FIRST, STEPHEN WELCOMES... 17 00:01:02,595 --> 00:01:07,667 JOHN OLIVER AND FORMER WHITE HOUSE CHIEF OF STAFF, RON 18 00:01:07,734 --> 00:01:12,705 KLAIN. FEATURING LOUIS CATO AND "THE 19 00:01:12,772 --> 00:01:15,375 LATE SHOW" BAND. AND NOW LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE ED 20 00:01:15,442 --> 00:01:19,012 SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK CITY, IT'S 21 00:01:19,078 --> 00:01:27,587 STEPHEN COLBERT. >> Stephen: HEY! 22 00:01:27,654 --> 00:01:41,401 NICE TO SEE YOU. THANK YOU. 23 00:01:41,468 --> 00:01:46,473 [LAUGHTER] [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 24 00:01:46,539 --> 00:01:50,477 GOOD TO SEE YOU. HEY, EVERYBODY! 25 00:01:50,543 --> 00:01:57,116 THANK YOU. >> Audience: [CHANTING] 26 00:01:57,183 --> 00:01:57,951 STEPHEN! STEPHEN! 27 00:01:58,017 --> 00:02:08,528 STEPHEN! >> Stephen: GOOD TO SEE YOU. 28 00:02:08,595 --> 00:02:12,665 [CHEERING] HEY! 29 00:02:12,732 --> 00:02:17,804 PLEASE HAVE A SEAT, EVERYBODY. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. 30 00:02:17,871 --> 00:02:19,973 WELCOME ONE AND ALL, WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW." 31 00:02:20,039 --> 00:02:21,274 I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. 32 00:02:21,341 --> 00:02:28,581 FOLKS, WE ARE STILL ALL ATWI ATWITTER. 33 00:02:28,648 --> 00:02:31,451 THE COUNTRY IS STILL ALL RILED UP ABOUT LAST NIGHT'S 34 00:02:31,518 --> 00:02:33,353 SEASON FINALE OF MEN'S FOOTBALL. I CAN'T BELIEVE PATRICK MAHOMES 35 00:02:33,419 --> 00:02:39,425 AND THE TROPHY FINALLY KISSED! IT WAS... 36 00:02:39,492 --> 00:02:40,426 WILL THEY OR WON'T THEY? AS EXPECTED, THE CITY OF 37 00:02:40,493 --> 00:02:42,795 PHILADELPHIA DEVOLVED INTO TOTAL CHAOS. 38 00:02:42,862 --> 00:02:52,238 AND THEN THE GAME STARTED. IT WAS A NAIL-BITER. 39 00:02:52,305 --> 00:02:56,843 DID YOU WATCH THE GAME? I CAN'T BELIEVE, THAT FINAL 40 00:02:56,910 --> 00:03:01,247 TOUCHDOWN. NAIL-BITER TILL THE BITTER END, 41 00:03:01,314 --> 00:03:05,385 WITH THE CHIEFS EDGING OUT THE EAGLES, 38-35. 42 00:03:05,451 --> 00:03:08,688 IT WAS A FUN NIGHT OF FOOTBALL, IF YOU DON'T COUNT 43 00:03:08,755 --> 00:03:16,095 WATCHING 30,000 PEOPLE DOING THE TOMAHAWK CHOP. 44 00:03:16,162 --> 00:03:18,431 SADLY, IT LOOKS LIKE THE NFL ONCE AGAIN FAILED TO 45 00:03:18,498 --> 00:03:23,202 "END RACISM." SO FAR, THEY'VE ONLY ENDED 46 00:03:23,269 --> 00:03:33,813 "ZONE." THANK YOU. 47 00:03:33,880 --> 00:03:36,015 THAT'S A CHIN STROKER. THIS IS QB PATRICK MAHOMES' 48 00:03:36,082 --> 00:03:38,384 SECOND SUPER BOWL WIN IN FOUR YEARS, MADE EVEN MORE IMPRESSIVE 49 00:03:38,451 --> 00:03:41,988 BECAUSE HE DID IT WITH A HIGH-ANKLE SPRAIN, 50 00:03:42,055 --> 00:03:44,824 WHICH WAS ACTUALLY THE SECOND WORST INJURY OF THE NIGHT AFTER 51 00:03:44,891 --> 00:03:53,833 TERRY BRADSHAW GOT HIS HEAD STUCK IN A SOFT PRETZEL. 52 00:03:53,900 --> 00:03:56,502 GET WELL SOON, TERRY. BUT AMERICA'S NOT THE ONLY PLACE 53 00:03:56,569 --> 00:03:58,004 THAT ENJOYED THE BIG GAME. THE NFL SHOWED CLIPS OF VIEWING 54 00:03:58,071 --> 00:04:01,474 PARTIES AROUND THE WORLD. >> THE SUPER BOWL 55 00:04:01,541 --> 00:04:03,276 REALLY IS A GLOBAL EVENT. FAN VIEWING PARTIES IN TIMEZONES 56 00:04:03,343 --> 00:04:06,245 AROUND THE WORLD. FROM SAO PAOLO, BRAZIL. 57 00:04:06,312 --> 00:04:09,282 EAGLES WATCH PARTY IN ACCRA, GHANA, TO A CHIEFS VIEWING PARTY 58 00:04:09,349 --> 00:04:12,318 IN MUNICH, GERMANY. IT'S JUST SO AWESOME 59 00:04:12,385 --> 00:04:14,420 TO SEE ALL THE REACTION. SO MUCH PASSION FOR THE NFL 60 00:04:14,487 --> 00:04:26,232 AROUND THE WORLD. >> Stephen: OH, GERMANY. 61 00:04:26,299 --> 00:04:29,636 NOT A GREAT LOOK. OH, NO. 62 00:04:29,702 --> 00:04:35,108 I'M GONNA SAY YOU'VE LOST THE RIGHT TO GROUP HAND GESTURES. 63 00:04:35,174 --> 00:04:40,980 TETHER THE WRIST. NOTHING. 64 00:04:41,047 --> 00:04:47,053 NOTHING. CAN'T GET IT UP THERE. 65 00:04:47,120 --> 00:04:49,155 STRAP IT DOWN. OF COURSE, THE MVP OF LAST 66 00:04:49,222 --> 00:04:51,824 NIGHT'S SUPERBOWL HAS TO BE RIHANNA, WITH HER HALFTIME SHOW. 67 00:04:51,891 --> 00:04:54,160 THOSE BACK-UP DANCERS ARE AMAZING, AND THEY SEEM REALLY 68 00:04:54,227 --> 00:05:00,833 FAMILIAR. JIM, CAN WE GET ANOTHER SHOT? 69 00:05:00,900 --> 00:05:15,782 ♪ ♪ SUPER, SUPER, SUPERDY BOWL. 70 00:05:15,848 --> 00:05:18,551 ♪ ♪ SUPER, SUPER, SUPERDY BOWL. 71 00:05:18,618 --> 00:05:26,059 AFTER THE SHOW, RIHANNA ANNOUNCED SHE IS PREGNANT. 72 00:05:26,125 --> 00:05:27,694 NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH PRINCE'S PERFORMANCE IN 2007, WHEN 73 00:05:27,760 --> 00:05:30,630 EVERYONE WATCHING GOT PREGNANT. BY THE WAY, THAT JOKE WRITTEN BY 74 00:05:30,697 --> 00:05:33,433 ONE OF MY WRITERS, WHO IS ALSO PREGNANT, WHO ADDED THAT UNLIKE 75 00:05:33,499 --> 00:05:36,436 RIHANNA, SHE SPENT LAST NIGHT ON THE COUCH EATING A TUB OF 76 00:05:36,502 --> 00:05:43,342 LOW-FAT YOGURT BEFORE BURSTING INTO TEARS AT A BUD LIGHT 77 00:05:43,409 --> 00:05:45,411 COMMERCIAL BECAUSE, AND I QUOTE, "MILES TELLER SEEMS LIKE 78 00:05:45,478 --> 00:05:52,485 HE REALLY LOVES HIS WIFE." THAT'S A GOOD HALFTIME SHOW. 79 00:05:52,552 --> 00:05:56,389 I'D WATCH THAT. SWITCHING TO AMERICA'S OTHER 80 00:05:56,456 --> 00:06:00,026 NATIONAL PASTIME: BEING TERRIFIED OF GIANT BALLOONS. 81 00:06:00,093 --> 00:06:04,764 LAST WEEK A CHINESE BALLOON IN SOARED ACROSS AMERICA BEFORE 82 00:06:04,831 --> 00:06:08,935 FINALLY BEING BEING DESTROYED BY A STEALTH FIGHTER. 83 00:06:09,001 --> 00:06:11,504 JUST A REMINDER, WE SPEND $800 BILLION ON DEFENSE, 84 00:06:11,571 --> 00:06:26,452 AND WE USED IT TO "POP BALLOON." YOU CAN DO THAT WITH A THUMB 85 00:06:26,519 --> 00:06:28,855 AND WE USED IT TO "POP BALLOON." YOU CAN DO THAT WITH A THUMB 86 00:06:28,921 --> 00:06:31,257 TACK AND STRAW. NOW, "BALLOON" DOESN'T 87 00:06:31,324 --> 00:06:32,391 NECESSARILY DO THIS THING JUSTICE. 88 00:06:32,458 --> 00:06:37,563 IT WAS "TWO TO THREE SCHOOL BUSES IN SIZE," 89 00:06:37,630 --> 00:06:39,398 200 FEET ACROSS. AND THE DEBRIS WAS FOUND TO 90 00:06:39,465 --> 00:06:40,600 CONTAIN AN ANTENNA MEANT TO PINPOINT THE LOCATIONS OF 91 00:06:40,666 --> 00:06:44,137 COMMUNICATIONS DEVICES AND WAS CAPABLE OF INTERCEPTING CALLS 92 00:06:44,203 --> 00:06:48,741 MADE ON THOSE DEVICES. WHAT? 93 00:06:48,808 --> 00:06:50,309 WE CAN'T HAVE CHINESE BALLOONS MONITORING OUR CELL PHONES. 94 00:06:50,376 --> 00:06:55,715 THAT'S WHAT TIKTOK IS FOR! ANYWAY, WE THOUGHT THE WHOLE 95 00:06:55,782 --> 00:07:08,394 THING HAD "BLOWN" OVER THANK YOU. 96 00:07:08,461 --> 00:07:13,466 >> Louis: THERE YOU GO. THERE YOU GO. 97 00:07:13,533 --> 00:07:20,506 >> Stephen: DON'T. [LAUGHTER] 98 00:07:20,573 --> 00:07:24,343 >> Stephen: THAT WASN'T A RIMSHOT. 99 00:07:24,410 --> 00:07:28,548 THAT WAS A PD SHOT. THE U.S. MILITARY SHOT DOWN 100 00:07:28,614 --> 00:07:29,682 THREE UNIDENTIFIED FLYING OBJECTS. 101 00:07:29,749 --> 00:07:31,184 NOW, I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING, YOU'RE THINKIN' 102 00:07:31,250 --> 00:07:32,318 "STEVE, YOU CAN'T POSSIBLY BE SUGGESTING THAT THESE ARE 103 00:07:32,385 --> 00:07:33,686 ALIENS." WELL, LET ME BE CLEAR. 104 00:07:33,753 --> 00:07:37,990 I'M NOT SUGGESTING THAT. I AM DECLARING THAT. 105 00:07:38,057 --> 00:07:40,660 BECAUSE, AND THIS IS IMPORTANT, ACCORDING TO A SENIOR AIR FORCE 106 00:07:40,726 --> 00:07:44,263 GENERAL, THE MILITARY WAS UNABLE TO IMMEDIATELY DETERMINE THE 107 00:07:44,330 --> 00:07:48,434 MEANS BY WHICH ANY OF THE THREE LATEST OBJECTS WERE KEPT ALOFT 108 00:07:48,501 --> 00:07:51,037 OR WHERE THEY WERE COMING FROM, ADDING, "I HAVEN'T RULED OUT 109 00:07:51,103 --> 00:07:54,106 ANYTHING." YEAH, NOTHING'S OFF THE TABLE. 110 00:07:54,173 --> 00:07:56,909 IT COULD BE ALIENS. IT COULD BE BALLOONS, 111 00:07:56,976 --> 00:08:01,180 OR IT COULD BE... ALIEN BALLOONS! 112 00:08:01,247 --> 00:08:06,552 NOW, ACCORDING -- SURE, WHY NOT? 113 00:08:06,619 --> 00:08:09,121 WHY NOT? NOW, ACCORDING TO EXPERTS, 114 00:08:09,188 --> 00:08:11,524 ONE REASON WE MAY BE SEEING ALL THESE OBJECTS GETTING SHOT DOWN 115 00:08:11,591 --> 00:08:14,260 IS THAT, IN THE WAKE OF THE CHINESE SPY BALLOON, U.S. 116 00:08:14,327 --> 00:08:18,464 AND CANADIAN MILITARIES ARE HYPERVIGILANT IN FLAGGING SOME 117 00:08:18,531 --> 00:08:20,299 OBJECTS THAT MIGHT PREVIOUSLY HAVE BEEN ALLOWED TO PASS. 118 00:08:20,366 --> 00:08:22,702 SO, EVIDENTLY, NOW THE MILITARY IS LIKE A DAD WHO GOT ONE OF 119 00:08:22,768 --> 00:08:27,306 THOSE MOTION-ACTIVATED NIGHT VISION WILDLIFE CAMS FOR 120 00:08:27,373 --> 00:08:29,275 A CHRISTMAS PRESENT AND KEEPS BLOWING UP THE FAMILY'S TEXT 121 00:08:29,342 --> 00:08:33,079 CHAIN. "I SAW THE FOX AGAIN. 122 00:08:33,145 --> 00:08:36,816 HERE HE IS AT 2:37 A.M. AND AGAIN AT 2:44 A.M. 123 00:08:36,883 --> 00:08:38,985 GOTTA TELL THE McCARDLES TO MOVE THEIR COMPOSTING BINS. 124 00:08:39,051 --> 00:08:40,820 DON'T FORGET MOM'S BIRTHDAY IS IN APRIL! 125 00:08:40,887 --> 00:08:45,992 HEART, HEART, HEART, HEART." SO LET'S RUN THROUGH 126 00:08:46,058 --> 00:08:49,729 THE DEFINITELY-ALIEN OBJECTS. ON FRIDAY, A U.S. FIGHTER JET 127 00:08:49,795 --> 00:08:52,164 BROUGHT DOWN AN UNIDENTIFIED OBJECT OVER THE WATERS OF 128 00:08:52,231 --> 00:08:55,201 ALASKA. IT WAS HEADED TOWARD THE NORTH 129 00:08:55,268 --> 00:09:10,149 POLE BEFORE IT WAS STRUCK DOWN. SANTA, YOU WILL BE MISSED. 130 00:09:10,216 --> 00:09:11,384 POLE BEFORE IT WAS STRUCK DOWN. SANTA, YOU WILL BE MISSED. 131 00:09:11,450 --> 00:09:13,519 THEN ON SATURDAY, ANOTHER OBJECT WAS SHOT DOWN OVER CANADA. 132 00:09:13,586 --> 00:09:18,624 OH, MY GOD! SOMETHING HAPPENED IN CANADA! 133 00:09:18,691 --> 00:09:21,627 ON SATURDAY NIGHT, PRIME MINISTER JUSTIN TRUDEAU TWEETED 134 00:09:21,694 --> 00:09:24,163 "I ORDERED THE TAKE DOWN OF AN UNIDENTIFIED OBJECT THAT 135 00:09:24,230 --> 00:09:30,436 VIOLATED CANADIAN AIRSPACE. A U.S. F-22 SUCCESSFULLY FIRED 136 00:09:30,503 --> 00:09:35,274 AT THE OBJECT." OKAY, GOOD TO KNOW. 137 00:09:35,341 --> 00:09:37,944 JUSTIN? CAN I CALL YOU JUSTIN? 138 00:09:38,010 --> 00:09:42,081 IF IT WAS A "U.S. F-22" THAT SHOT IT DOWN, 139 00:09:42,148 --> 00:09:43,816 YOU DIDN'T ORDER ANYTHING. YOU CALLED YOUR NEIGHBOR JOE 140 00:09:43,883 --> 00:09:46,118 AND SAID, "HEY, COULD I ASK YA A FAVOR?" 141 00:09:46,185 --> 00:09:48,220 IT'S A SMALL BUT IMPORTANT DIFFERENCE. 142 00:09:48,287 --> 00:09:53,426 NEVERMIND, YOU DID GREAT. THE MILITARY IS BEING HUSH-HUSH 143 00:09:53,492 --> 00:09:56,996 ABOUT WHAT THEY SHOT DOWN, ALL THEY'LL TELL US IS THAT IT 144 00:09:57,063 --> 00:10:01,367 WAS "CYLINDRICAL." AH-HA! 145 00:10:01,434 --> 00:10:04,136 AH-HA! CLEARLY, THE ALIEN INVASION 146 00:10:04,203 --> 00:10:12,745 IS IMMINENT! LOOK DOWN RIGHT NOW. 147 00:10:12,812 --> 00:10:14,847 LOOK AT YOUR BUTT, ARE YOU BEING PROBED RIGHT NOW? 148 00:10:14,914 --> 00:10:22,655 NOW LOOK WHO'S DOING IT. IS IT AN ALIEN? 149 00:10:22,722 --> 00:10:31,530 RIGHT ME A CARD IF IT WAS. WE'LL PUT THE ADDRESS UP. 150 00:10:31,597 --> 00:10:33,265 THEN ON SUNDAY, ANOTHER U.F.O. WAS SHOT DOWN 151 00:10:33,332 --> 00:10:35,501 OVER LAKE HURON, AND THIS ONE WAS NOT CYLINDRICAL, 152 00:10:35,568 --> 00:10:37,803 BUT "OCTAGONAL," WITH STRINGS HANGING OFF AND NO DISCERNIBLE 153 00:10:37,870 --> 00:10:40,639 PAYLOAD. DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS? 154 00:10:40,706 --> 00:10:44,844 THE ALIENS HAVE ACHIEVED TACTICAL PINATA TECHNOLOGY. 155 00:10:44,910 --> 00:10:51,117 THE PAYLOAD'S INSIDE! AND IT'S DELICIOUS. 156 00:10:51,183 --> 00:10:54,887 WE'VE BEEN GONE FOR A WEEK, WHICH MEANS WE HAVE A DECADE'S 157 00:10:54,954 --> 00:10:57,456 WORTH OF LIES TO RECAP FROM NEW YORK CONGRESSMAN GEORGE 158 00:10:57,523 --> 00:11:02,328 SANTOS, SEEN HERE TELLING REPORTERS 159 00:11:02,395 --> 00:11:03,596 THAT THIS ROOM IS FULL OF HIS SUPERMODEL FRIENDS, 160 00:11:03,662 --> 00:11:07,133 BUT THEY ARE ALL REALLY SHY. WE RECENTLY LEARNED THAT DURING 161 00:11:07,199 --> 00:11:14,473 HIS CAMPAIGN, SANTOS TOLD DONORS HE PRODUCED THE BROADWAY MUSICAL 162 00:11:14,540 --> 00:11:17,543 "SPIDER-MAN: TURN OFF THE DARK." NOW, THAT'S A PRETTY BIG JOB, 163 00:11:17,610 --> 00:11:19,211 BUT AS HIS UNCLE ONCE TOLD HIM, "WITH GREAT POWER COMES GREAT 164 00:11:19,278 --> 00:11:32,091 RESPONSIBILITY." OBVIOUSLY, OBVIOUSLY 165 00:11:32,158 --> 00:11:33,592 I DON'T NEED TO EXPLAIN THIS IS A LIE, 166 00:11:33,659 --> 00:11:35,428 AND IT'S A WEIRD ONE, BECAUSE "SPIDERMAN: TURN OFF THE DARK" 167 00:11:35,494 --> 00:11:36,662 IS FAMOUSLY ONE OF THE BIGGEST DISASTERS EVER TO HIT BROADWAY. 168 00:11:36,729 --> 00:11:38,164 SANTOS IS BASICALLY SAYING, "YOU KNOW THAT SHOW THAT 169 00:11:38,230 --> 00:11:41,400 EVERYONE MADE FUN OF, WHERE ACTORS KEPT FALLING 170 00:11:41,467 --> 00:11:44,136 ON THE AUDIENCE, THAT LOST $60 MILLION? 171 00:11:44,203 --> 00:11:46,072 THAT WAS ME. I ALSO WROTE THE JINGLE 172 00:11:46,138 --> 00:11:53,646 FOR KARS FOR KIDS." YEAH, THERE YOU GO. 173 00:11:53,712 --> 00:11:55,614 WHEN REPORTERS FACT-CHECKED SANTOS, ONE OF THE SHOW'S ACTUAL 174 00:11:55,681 --> 00:11:58,217 PRODUCERS SAID THAT SANTOS HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH IT. 175 00:11:58,284 --> 00:12:02,188 ADDING, "NEITHER DID I. THIS CALL NEVER HAPPENED!" 176 00:12:02,254 --> 00:12:04,056 OF COURSE, SANTOS ISN'T ALWAYS LYING. 177 00:12:04,123 --> 00:12:08,127 SOMETIMES HE'S COMMITTING CRIMES. 178 00:12:08,194 --> 00:12:14,834 LIKE IN 2017, WHEN HE REPORTEDLY STOLE PUPPIES FROM THE AMISH. 179 00:12:14,900 --> 00:12:16,402 A SENTENCE THAT I DON'T BELIEVE HAS EVER BEEN UTTERED 180 00:12:16,469 --> 00:12:29,515 ON THIS STAGE. THIS THEATER OPENED IN 1927. 181 00:12:29,582 --> 00:12:30,983 NO ONE HAS EVER SAID, "HE STOLE PUPPIES 182 00:12:31,050 --> 00:12:32,351 FROM THE AMISH." AND I'M TOLD WE HAVE A PICTURE 183 00:12:32,418 --> 00:12:37,456 OF THE AMISH PUPPIES. THERE YOU GO. 184 00:12:37,523 --> 00:12:42,728 WE SHOULD THERE. NOTHING GETS BETTER. 185 00:12:42,795 --> 00:12:44,396 BACK IN 2017, SANTOS BOUGHT SOME DOGS FROM SEVERAL 186 00:12:44,463 --> 00:12:46,899 PENNSYLVANIA DOG BREEDERS. BUT AFTER HE MADE OFF WITH THE 187 00:12:46,966 --> 00:12:52,471 PUPS, HIS CHECKS BOUNCED, TOTALING MORE THAN $15,000. 188 00:12:52,538 --> 00:12:58,244 $15,000 FOR PUPPIES? HOLY SHITZU. 189 00:12:58,310 --> 00:13:00,679 SANTOS CLAIMED HIS CHECKBOOK WAS STOLEN. 190 00:13:00,746 --> 00:13:08,754 SOMEBODY ELSE BOUGHT THESE DOGS WITH THE BAD CHECKS. 191 00:13:08,821 --> 00:13:11,257 AND YET, AND YET, A FEW DAYS LATER, HE HELD AN ADOPTION EVENT 192 00:13:11,323 --> 00:13:12,892 AT A STATEN ISLAND PET STORE. NOTHING SUSPICIOUS ABOUT THAT. 193 00:13:12,958 --> 00:13:14,894 "YOUR HONOR, I DIDN'T ROB THAT JEWELRY STORE. 194 00:13:14,960 --> 00:13:17,630 TOTALLY UNRELATED QUESTION: HOW ARE YOU SET FOR 195 00:13:17,696 --> 00:13:20,366 TENNIS BRACELETS?" WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW 196 00:13:20,432 --> 00:13:30,709 FOR YOU TONIGHT. MY GUESTS, MY GUESTS... 197 00:13:30,776 --> 00:13:33,812 ARE JOHN OLIVER AND FORMER WHITE HOUSE CHIEF OF 198 00:13:33,879 --> 00:13:34,647 STAFF RON KLAIN. STICK AROUND. 199 00:14:11,584 --> 00:14:12,885 ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY. 200 00:14:12,952 --> 00:14:19,024 PLEASE SAY HELLO TO LOUIS CATO AND "THE LATE SHOW" BAND. 201 00:14:19,091 --> 00:14:22,228 NICE TO SEE YOU. NICE TO SEE ALL YOU BEAUTIFUL 202 00:14:22,294 --> 00:14:26,532 PEOPLE OVER THERE. DID YOU HAVE A NICE WEEK OFF? 203 00:14:26,599 --> 00:14:29,468 ANYBODY DO ANYTHING PARTICULARLY FUN IN YOUR WEEK OFF? 204 00:14:29,535 --> 00:14:35,975 >> I WENT TO SEE ENDEA PLAY WITH ELVIS COSTELLO. 205 00:14:36,041 --> 00:14:38,777 >> Stephen: HOW DID IT GO? DID YOU SAY HI FOR ME? 206 00:14:38,844 --> 00:14:42,881 >> I DID SAY HI. >> Stephen: DID HE RECEIVE IT 207 00:14:42,948 --> 00:14:43,882 WELL? >> IT WAS OKAY. 208 00:14:43,949 --> 00:14:45,851 >> Stephen: THAT'S WHAT YOU GET. 209 00:14:45,918 --> 00:14:48,721 THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FROM ELVIS. IN A MINUTE, SITTING RIGHT OVER 210 00:14:48,787 --> 00:14:53,525 THERE WE'RE GOING TO HAVE, UNTIL RECENTLY, CHIEF OF STAFF TO 211 00:14:53,592 --> 00:14:55,928 PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN, RON KLAIN IS GOING TO BE OUT HERE. 212 00:14:55,995 --> 00:15:00,866 I'M GOING TO ASK HIM ABOUT, HE WAS STILL THERE, HE WAS STILL IN 213 00:15:00,933 --> 00:15:04,270 THERE WHEN THEY WERE FIRST SEEN, CERTAINLY THE CHINESE BALLOON. 214 00:15:04,336 --> 00:15:06,739 AND THEN THE OTHER THINGS BEFORE THEY SHOT THEM DOWN, HE WAS 215 00:15:06,805 --> 00:15:10,709 STILL IN THERE I BELIEVE. I THINK HE GOT OUT RIGHT BEFORE 216 00:15:10,776 --> 00:15:13,412 THEY POPPED THEM. >> Louis: HE MAY HAVE SOME 217 00:15:13,479 --> 00:15:15,080 INTEL. SPIN AND I HOPE YOU WELL. 218 00:15:15,147 --> 00:15:19,685 LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, BEFORE THAT, WE HAVE OUR FIRST GUEST. 219 00:15:19,752 --> 00:15:24,456 MY FIRST GUEST IS ONE OF MY TOP SIX FAVORITE JOHNS. 220 00:15:24,523 --> 00:15:27,993 WE COUNTED. WE COUNTED BEFORE THE SHOW. 221 00:15:28,060 --> 00:15:38,270 TOP THREE, I WAS LIKE "EH, SIX." PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO "THE 222 00:15:38,337 --> 00:15:53,218 LATE SHOW," JOHN OLIVER. ♪ LIFE GOES ON DAY AFTER DAY ♪ 223 00:15:53,285 --> 00:15:55,387 LATE SHOW," JOHN OLIVER. ♪ LIFE GOES ON DAY AFTER DAY ♪ 224 00:15:55,454 --> 00:16:02,695 ♪ ♪ THERE YOU GO. 225 00:16:02,761 --> 00:16:06,198 >> John: GOOD EVENING. GOOD EVENING. 226 00:16:06,265 --> 00:16:09,101 TO ONE AND ALL. >> Stephen: NICE TO SEE YOU. 227 00:16:09,168 --> 00:16:13,072 HEY, HOW ARE YOU DOING? HOW HAVE YOU BEEN? 228 00:16:13,138 --> 00:16:14,573 >> John: ALL RIGHT. TOP SIX? 229 00:16:14,640 --> 00:16:16,642 >> Stephen: I HAVE A LOT OF JOHNS AND MY FAMILY. 230 00:16:16,709 --> 00:16:21,113 >> John: I WILL GIVE YOU THAT FOR FREE. 231 00:16:21,180 --> 00:16:35,661 >> John: BATISTE LEFT YOU. EXPERIENCE STRICTLY JOHN. 232 00:16:35,728 --> 00:16:40,933 >> John: I'M NOT EVEN GETTING INTO THE JONS. 233 00:16:40,999 --> 00:16:45,971 COMING HERE FOR A TOP 6H. >> Stephen: LATER I WILL TELL 234 00:16:46,038 --> 00:16:50,476 YOU WHO SCORED ABOVE YOU. LET'S EARN IT. 235 00:16:50,542 --> 00:16:52,945 >> John: LET'S SEE HOW MUCH I AGREE. 236 00:16:53,011 --> 00:16:54,747 >> Stephen: THAT'S CALLED DRIVING TO AN END. 237 00:16:54,813 --> 00:16:59,551 NOW THEY'VE GOT TO STICK AROUND TO FIGURE OUT WHO I LIKE MORE 238 00:16:59,618 --> 00:17:04,089 THAN YOU WHO'S NAME JOHN. >> John: WHAT COMMERCIAL 239 00:17:04,156 --> 00:17:07,059 CLAIMS TO COMMERCIAL -- WHAT A GLIMPSE TO COMMERCIAL TELEVISION 240 00:17:07,126 --> 00:17:12,664 THAT IS. I HAVE THE OPPOSITE. 241 00:17:12,731 --> 00:17:17,436 IT'S NOT TOO IN, IT'S LIKE YOU CAN'T LEAVE UNTIL I FINISH 242 00:17:17,503 --> 00:17:18,804 TALKING ABOUT COMPOUNDING PHARMACIES. 243 00:17:18,871 --> 00:17:22,207 IF I EVER HAD ONE COMMERCIAL BREAK IN THE STORY, EVERYONE 244 00:17:22,274 --> 00:17:25,210 WOULD LEAVE. >> Stephen: IF YOU EXHALED. 245 00:17:25,277 --> 00:17:27,813 ONE BREATH. >> John: ONE BREATH. 246 00:17:27,880 --> 00:17:29,681 THAT'S THE END. THAT'S THE ONLY WAY TO ACTUALLY 247 00:17:29,748 --> 00:17:32,785 GET PEOPLE TO LISTEN TO THE [BLEEP] WE HAVE TO SAY. 248 00:17:32,851 --> 00:17:38,023 >> Stephen: SPEAKING A BROADCAST, YOU'RE AN AMERICAN. 249 00:17:38,090 --> 00:17:40,592 >> John: YES. >> Stephen: DID YOU WATCH THE 250 00:17:40,659 --> 00:17:41,860 SUPER BOWL. >> John: OF COURSE. 251 00:17:41,927 --> 00:17:44,797 >> Stephen: DID YOU ENJOY? >> John: I LOVE IT AS AN 252 00:17:44,863 --> 00:17:48,233 EVENT. IT IS A CARTOONISH EVENT, 253 00:17:48,300 --> 00:17:49,968 LITERALLY TOO BIG IN EVERY POSSIBLE WAY. 254 00:17:50,035 --> 00:17:53,672 WHAT'S NOT TO LIKE ABOUT IT? YOU HAVE THE CITY OF 255 00:17:53,739 --> 00:17:54,440 PHILADELPHIA REPRESENTED AS WELL. 256 00:17:54,506 --> 00:17:56,809 COME ON. >> Stephen: YES. 257 00:17:56,875 --> 00:18:00,279 I WAS HOPING THEY WOULD WHEN ACTORS BECAUSE I ENJOY WATCHING 258 00:18:00,345 --> 00:18:02,881 THE PEOPLE ATTEMPT TO CLIMB THE GREASED UP LIGHT POLES. 259 00:18:02,948 --> 00:18:07,052 >> John: EITHER WAY, IF THE PHILLIES ARE IN -- 260 00:18:07,119 --> 00:18:10,522 IF THE PHILLIES IN THE SUPER BOWL, EITHER WAY THE CITY 261 00:18:10,589 --> 00:18:13,025 IS GOING TO BURN. ARE THEY FLAMES OF JOY OR RAGE? 262 00:18:13,091 --> 00:18:19,465 YOU ARE WORKING BACKWARDS FROM ARSON ON A MASSIVE SCALE. 263 00:18:19,531 --> 00:18:24,903 THE THING THAT'S GROSS TO ME ABOUT THE SUPER BOWL, THEY GIVE 264 00:18:24,970 --> 00:18:27,005 IT TO THE OWNER FIRST, THE TROPHY. 265 00:18:27,072 --> 00:18:33,045 >> Stephen: THE LOMBARDI. >> John: THE TEAM HAS WON, THE 266 00:18:33,111 --> 00:18:37,182 COACH HAS -- YOU HAVE A [BLEEP] 70-YEAR-OLD 267 00:18:37,249 --> 00:18:41,220 BILLIONAIRE SAYING "I WOULD LOVE TO THANK MY FAMILY FOR THIS." 268 00:18:41,286 --> 00:18:43,655 WHAT? YOUR FAMILY HAS NOTHING TO DO 269 00:18:43,722 --> 00:18:44,857 WITH THIS, NOTHING. YOU SHOULDN'T EVEN BE ON THE 270 00:18:44,923 --> 00:18:47,426 FIELD. YOU SHOULD BE IN YOUR EXECUTIVE 271 00:18:47,493 --> 00:18:50,062 BOX SHUTTING UP. THAT'S WHAT SHOULD BE HAPPENING. 272 00:18:50,128 --> 00:18:52,564 IN NO OTHER SPORT DO YOU GIVE IT TO THE OWNER FIRST. 273 00:18:52,631 --> 00:18:55,901 >> Stephen: THEY DON'T DO THAT IN YOUR FOOTBALL? 274 00:18:55,968 --> 00:18:58,570 >> John: DON'T DO THAT WITH YOUR HAND. 275 00:18:58,637 --> 00:19:01,240 DON'T DO THAT. I FELT IT. 276 00:19:01,306 --> 00:19:06,512 I SAW IT IN MY PERIPHERAL VISION AND I FELT A GUST. 277 00:19:06,578 --> 00:19:11,083 >> Stephen: I'M HAPPY FOR YOU. >> John: NO, WE DON'T. 278 00:19:11,149 --> 00:19:13,352 IT'S ABOUT PEOPLE THAT DID IT. THE FACT THAT YOU WOULD GIVE IT 279 00:19:13,418 --> 00:19:17,656 TO THE OWNER FIRST AND THEN INTERVIEW HIM IS ABSOLUTELY 280 00:19:17,723 --> 00:19:18,891 GROTESQUE. IT HAS TO STOP. 281 00:19:18,957 --> 00:19:20,959 >> Stephen: IT MUST BE FUN FOR TEM BECAUSE WHO ELSE GETS 282 00:19:21,026 --> 00:19:23,996 TO DO THAT OTHER THAN THE OWNER OF THE FOOTBALL TEAM? 283 00:19:24,062 --> 00:19:27,132 >> John: SURE. I HAVE $20 BILLION AND NOW I 284 00:19:27,199 --> 00:19:30,402 HAVE THIS SHINY THING. I TIRE OF IT NOW. 285 00:19:30,469 --> 00:19:33,338 WHAT ELSE WILL FILL THIS VACUUM INSIDE ME? 286 00:19:33,405 --> 00:19:38,744 >> Stephen: THE REASON THEY BUY THE TEAMS, THE REASON THEY 287 00:19:38,810 --> 00:19:42,114 BUY THE TEAMS IS BECAUSE THEY HAD $20 MILLION BUT NOBODY KNEW 288 00:19:42,180 --> 00:19:45,684 THEY HAD $20 MILLION. THEN THEY BUY THE TEAM AND 289 00:19:45,751 --> 00:19:48,020 EVERYBODY KNOWS. >> John: YEAH, SURE. 290 00:19:48,086 --> 00:19:50,989 PART OF ME THINKS IT'S ALSO THE KIND OF STILL OWN PEOPLE BUT 291 00:19:51,056 --> 00:19:55,561 ANYWAY, IT DOESN'T MATTER. THEY'RE NOT THE NICEST PEOPLE, 292 00:19:55,627 --> 00:19:56,695 NFL OWNERS. THEY HAVE PROVEN THAT. 293 00:19:56,762 --> 00:19:58,931 THAT'S NOT ME PROJECTING THAT. THEY HAVE PROVEN THAT. 294 00:19:58,997 --> 00:20:02,568 >> Stephen: HOW WOULD YOU COMPARE AMERICAN FOOTBALL FANS 295 00:20:02,634 --> 00:20:06,805 WITH EUROPEAN FOOTBALL FANS? THERE IS SOCCER HOOLIGANISM AS 296 00:20:06,872 --> 00:20:09,074 WE CALL IT OVER HERE. IT'S FAMOUS. 297 00:20:09,141 --> 00:20:13,512 HOW WOULD YOU COMPARE THE FANS? >> John: WE LIKE TO BREAK 298 00:20:13,579 --> 00:20:17,449 STUFF TOO. THAT'S WHAT I LIKE ABOUT THE 299 00:20:17,516 --> 00:20:20,552 CITY OF PHILADELPHIA. IT MAKES SENSE. 300 00:20:20,619 --> 00:20:24,923 A CITY THAT WAS KIND OF BORN OUT OF SOME BRITISH INFLUENCE, 301 00:20:24,990 --> 00:20:28,694 AGAIN, LET'S NOT GET INTO WHAT YOU DID AFTER THAT. 302 00:20:28,760 --> 00:20:32,164 BUT IT REALLY FEELS LIKE THERE WAS SOME CONNECTIVE TISSUE TO 303 00:20:32,230 --> 00:20:36,134 HOOLIGANISM IN PHILLY. THAT'S WHY I LIKE WHAT THEY DO. 304 00:20:36,201 --> 00:20:39,037 BEFORE THE GAME STARTS. YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING THIS 305 00:20:39,104 --> 00:20:41,573 RIGHT. >> Stephen: THAT'S THE SPECIAL 306 00:20:41,640 --> 00:20:43,108 RELATIONSHIP. DESTROYING THINGS. 307 00:20:43,175 --> 00:20:46,712 WE HAVE TO TAKE A QUICK BREAK BUT DON'T GO ANYWHERE. 308 00:20:46,778 --> 00:20:50,048 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE MR. JOHN OLIVER, EVERYBODY. 309 00:21:00,659 --> 00:21:01,793 ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: ONE OF THE FINEST 310 00:21:01,860 --> 00:21:08,133 JOHNS I KNOW, MR. JOHN OLIVER. YOU DID NOT GROW UP WITH THE 311 00:21:08,200 --> 00:21:11,837 AMERICAN TRADITION OF THE SUPER BOWL OR SUPER BOWL FOOD. 312 00:21:11,903 --> 00:21:14,806 DO YOU DO THE SUPER BOWL FOOD? >> John: YEAH BECAUSE 313 00:21:14,873 --> 00:21:18,076 SUPER BOWL FOOD IS KIND OF LIKE WHAT YOU'D SERVE IN AN 314 00:21:18,143 --> 00:21:20,245 8-YEAR-OLD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY. IT FEELS LIKE ADULTS REALIZING 315 00:21:20,312 --> 00:21:23,315 WE COULD ACTUALLY STILL DO THIS OURSELVES ONCE A YEAR. 316 00:21:23,382 --> 00:21:26,585 WE WILL HAVE CHICKEN TENDERS AND WE'LL HAVE FANCY DRINKS AND 317 00:21:26,652 --> 00:21:31,223 WE'LL HAVE CHIPS AND WE'LL PUT IT IN A PLASTIC FOOTBALL HELMET. 318 00:21:31,289 --> 00:21:35,827 IT'S FUN. >> Stephen: ARTICHOKE DIP IN 319 00:21:35,894 --> 00:21:38,864 THE SHAPE OF THE FIELD. >> John: FUN SHAPES. 320 00:21:38,930 --> 00:21:42,234 ONE DAY A YEAR WE'LL HAVE FUN SHAPES AND WILL MAKE OURSELVES 321 00:21:42,300 --> 00:21:45,737 FEEL BETTER. WE SHOULD DO IT ALL THE TIME. 322 00:21:45,804 --> 00:21:47,906 EATING OUT OF A FUN SHAPED OBJECT IS BETTER THAN EATING OFF 323 00:21:47,973 --> 00:21:52,110 A PLATE. >> Stephen: WHAT IS YOUR 324 00:21:52,177 --> 00:21:54,813 IMPRESSION OF AMERICAN CUISINE IN GENERAL WHEN YOU FIRST CAME 325 00:21:54,880 --> 00:21:57,516 TO THIS COUNTRY? HOW LONG HAVE WE BEEN SO GRACED 326 00:21:57,582 --> 00:22:02,521 IS TO HAVE YOU ON THESE SHORES? >> John: [LAUGHS] 327 00:22:02,587 --> 00:22:05,991 >> Stephen: I WAS TRYING TO SMOOTH OVER THIS PART. 328 00:22:06,058 --> 00:22:09,928 >> John: AND YET YOU DID THAT THROUGH YOUR INFECTION ON THE 329 00:22:09,995 --> 00:22:17,936 WORD "GRACE PERIOD" YOUR VOICE ALMOST VERT WOBBLES. 330 00:22:18,003 --> 00:22:21,540 HOW LONG HAVE YOU LIVED HERE? >> John: SINCE 2006. 331 00:22:21,606 --> 00:22:24,609 I AM AN AMERICAN CITIZEN. YOU CANNOT FORCE ME OUT. 332 00:22:24,676 --> 00:22:28,013 >> Stephen: WAS YOUR FIRST IMPRESSION OF OUR CUISINE? 333 00:22:28,080 --> 00:22:29,815 >> John: IT'S AMAZING OBVIOUSLY. 334 00:22:29,881 --> 00:22:34,453 THERE'S PLENTY OF IT AND AGAIN, IT'S THE EXTREMITY OF IT, THE 335 00:22:34,519 --> 00:22:39,157 SIZE OF IT AND ALSO WHAT YOU CAN DO WITH FOODSTUFFS. 336 00:22:39,224 --> 00:22:42,327 THE FIRST THING THAT I REMEMBER SITTING IN FRONT OF AND NOT 337 00:22:42,394 --> 00:22:45,597 FULLY BEING ABLE TO COMPREHEND WHAT I WAS LOOKING AT WAS THE 338 00:22:45,664 --> 00:22:51,036 OREO PIZZA. >> Stephen: OUR FRIENDS AT 339 00:22:51,103 --> 00:22:52,504 DOMINO'S. >> John: THAT'S RIGHT. 340 00:22:52,571 --> 00:22:56,441 OUR FRIENDS AT DOMINO'S BRING YOU THE DELICIOUS OREO PIZZA. 341 00:22:56,508 --> 00:23:01,880 DOMINO'S. IT'S WHAT'S FOR DINNER. 342 00:23:01,947 --> 00:23:04,850 DOMINO'S, YOU'RE KILLING PEOPLE. YOU NEED TO STOP. 343 00:23:04,916 --> 00:23:09,121 >> Stephen: HE'S JOKING. HE'S OBVIOUSLY JUST KIDDING. 344 00:23:09,187 --> 00:23:12,457 YOU MAY NOT KNOW THIS BUT WE KEEP TRACK OF SOME OF OUR HIGH 345 00:23:12,524 --> 00:23:16,995 TICKET GUESTS, WHAT I WOULD SAY, PEOPLE WHO HAVE BEEN HERE A LOT, 346 00:23:17,062 --> 00:23:23,802 PEOPLE THAT WE SEEM TO ENJOY. THIS IS YOUR 16TH APPEARANCE ON 347 00:23:23,869 --> 00:23:28,640 THE SHOW. CONGRATULATIONS. 348 00:23:28,707 --> 00:23:30,509 CONGRATULATIONS. I GOT YOU A BOTTLE OF ADVIL. 349 00:23:30,575 --> 00:23:34,312 YOU CAN HAVE THAT LATER. YOU'RE JUST EDGING OUT 350 00:23:34,379 --> 00:23:39,217 BERNIE SANDERS WITH 15 BUT BERNIE IS ON NEXT WEEK SO WATCH 351 00:23:39,284 --> 00:23:40,685 YOUR BACK. HE KNOWS. 352 00:23:40,752 --> 00:23:44,923 HE HEARD YOU WERE COMING ON HE SAID "BOOK ME." 353 00:23:44,990 --> 00:23:49,294 SO LET'S CALL THIS -- >> John: I'M NOT GOING DOWN 354 00:23:49,361 --> 00:23:52,063 LIKE THAT. >> Stephen: EXACTLY. 355 00:23:52,130 --> 00:23:56,501 IS TURNING 16 IN THE OLD COUNTRY A BIG DEAL 356 00:23:56,568 --> 00:23:59,604 >> John: NOT REALLY. YOU CAN GO INTO PUBLIC BUT YOU 357 00:23:59,671 --> 00:24:07,746 CAN KIND OF ALWAYS DO THAT. YOU CAN GO IN WITH YOUR FAMILY 358 00:24:07,813 --> 00:24:08,680 AT 16 YOU CAN GO AND UNACCOMPANIED I BELIEVE. 359 00:24:08,747 --> 00:24:12,450 YOU CAN'T BUY ALCOHOL BUT YOU CAN DRINK IT. 360 00:24:12,517 --> 00:24:14,052 THAT'S IT. >> Stephen: HOW DOES THAT 361 00:24:14,119 --> 00:24:16,388 WORK? >> John: YOU GO WITH SOMEONE 362 00:24:16,454 --> 00:24:19,791 WHO IS 18. THE OTHER LOOPHOLE IS YOU CAN -- 363 00:24:19,858 --> 00:24:26,832 FROM MY LOCAL PUB, YOU CAN DRINK IF YOU HAD FOOD, IF YOU HAD A 364 00:24:26,898 --> 00:24:27,999 MEAL. WHAT'S A MEAL? 365 00:24:28,066 --> 00:24:29,801 IS IT A PACKET OF CRISPS OR A BAG OF NUTS? 366 00:24:29,868 --> 00:24:34,706 ACCORDING TO MY PUB, YES. >> Stephen: MANY PEOPLE WHO 367 00:24:34,773 --> 00:24:40,111 TRAVEL TO ENGLAND SAY, WHAT IS A MEAL? 368 00:24:40,178 --> 00:24:45,517 >> John: OKAY. NO, NO, NO, YOU CAN HAVE A 369 00:24:45,584 --> 00:24:50,956 LITTLE OF THAT. >> Stephen: ORGAN MEATS. 370 00:24:51,022 --> 00:24:53,191 >> John: IT'S CHANGED. >> Stephen: KIDNEYS. 371 00:24:53,258 --> 00:24:55,994 >> John: INDIAN FOOD IS INCREDIBLE IN ENGLAND, AND I 372 00:24:56,061 --> 00:25:00,432 DON'T WANT TO GET INTO WHY. ANYWAY. 373 00:25:00,498 --> 00:25:03,101 >> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE A LITTLE BIT OF A BREAK HERE, 374 00:25:03,168 --> 00:25:05,904 JOHN. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK. 375 00:25:05,971 --> 00:25:06,905 THAT'S JOHN OLIVER. HE'LL BE HERE. 376 00:25:14,613 --> 00:25:17,215 >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY. IT'S THE HOST OF "LAST WEEK 377 00:25:17,282 --> 00:25:21,653 TONIGHT," MR. JOHN OLIVER. I WANT TO CHECK IN ON A COUPLE 378 00:25:21,720 --> 00:25:24,289 THINGS HERE. IT'S ALWAYS TOO MUCH FUN HERE. 379 00:25:24,356 --> 00:25:28,593 YOUR ATTEMPT SEASON OF "LAST WEEK TONIGHT." 380 00:25:28,660 --> 00:25:30,795 WHEN DOES IT START? >> John: SUNDAY. 381 00:25:30,862 --> 00:25:34,232 >> Stephen: THIS SUNDAY. OKAY. 382 00:25:34,299 --> 00:25:40,171 >> John: THANKS. >> Stephen: I'M NOT EXACTLY 383 00:25:40,238 --> 00:25:44,943 SURE HOW TO PREAMBLE THIS PHOTO. THIS IS THE POSTER GOING UP ALL 384 00:25:45,010 --> 00:25:48,213 OVER TOWN. THIS IS THE AD. 385 00:25:48,280 --> 00:25:52,017 THE TAG IS, "IT'S ONLY BEEN NINE YEARS AND IT STARTS OFF WITH HIS 386 00:25:52,083 --> 00:25:55,987 OVER HERE. >> Stephen: OUR VERY FIRST 387 00:25:56,054 --> 00:26:00,926 POSTER FROM THE DAY WE STARTED THE SHOW. 388 00:26:00,992 --> 00:26:11,336 2014. >> John: NOW. 389 00:26:11,403 --> 00:26:15,507 YEAH. SO... 390 00:26:15,573 --> 00:26:18,543 IS NOT IDEAL. >> Stephen: I WANT TO KNOW. 391 00:26:18,610 --> 00:26:22,380 PLEASE TELL ME YOU ARE SLOUCHING BECAUSE IT LOOKS LIKE YOU 392 00:26:22,447 --> 00:26:24,783 ACTUALLY LOST HEIGHT. >> John: THAT'S RIGHT. 393 00:26:24,849 --> 00:26:29,187 I HAVE BEEN DIMINISHED. THE CRAZY THING IS. 394 00:26:29,254 --> 00:26:32,023 OUR WRITER CAME UP WITH HIS IDEA AND IT'S A PERFECT IDEA AND WE 395 00:26:32,090 --> 00:26:35,627 SENT IT TO HP ON THE FIRST DRAFT THEY SENT BACK WITH ME ON THE 396 00:26:35,694 --> 00:26:38,797 SIDE AND THEN THEY KIND OF MARKED UP ME WITH A LONG BEARD 397 00:26:38,863 --> 00:26:42,734 LIKE I AM IN ZZ TOP AND WE HAD TO SAY NO, THE JOKE ISN'T WHAT I 398 00:26:42,801 --> 00:26:49,240 MIGHT LOOK LIKE IF I AGE BADLY. THE JOKE IS MY ACTUAL FACE. 399 00:26:49,307 --> 00:26:56,314 BELIEVE ME, MY FACE CAN STICK THE LANDING ON THIS PUNCH LINE. 400 00:26:56,381 --> 00:27:00,385 >> Stephen: GO BACK TO THIS ONE, WHAT HAPPENED TO THIS 401 00:27:00,452 --> 00:27:05,490 LITTLE MOP? WHAT HAPPENED TO THIS RIGHT 402 00:27:05,557 --> 00:27:07,392 THERE? >> John: LIZ STANTON, OUR 403 00:27:07,459 --> 00:27:10,328 EXECUTIVE PRODUCER, SHE MADE ME GET A HAIRCUT BECAUSE SHE DID 404 00:27:10,395 --> 00:27:13,965 NOT LIKE THOSE BANKS. IN A SENSE I WAS AHEAD OF MY 405 00:27:14,032 --> 00:27:16,835 TIME. WE COULD ARGUE HORRIBLY BEHIND 406 00:27:16,901 --> 00:27:22,340 THE TIMES. SHE, ONE OF HER LIFE REGRETS IS 407 00:27:22,407 --> 00:27:24,809 THAT SHE DID NOT FORCE ME TO HAVE A HAIRCUT. 408 00:27:24,876 --> 00:27:30,148 BEFORE THE FIRST SHOW, SHE GOT A HAIRCUT, NOT BEFORE THE PHOTO 409 00:27:30,215 --> 00:27:31,683 SHOOT. THOSE BANGS HURT HER EYES AND 410 00:27:31,750 --> 00:27:35,320 SOUL EVERY TIME SHE SEES THEM. THERE YOU GO. 411 00:27:35,387 --> 00:27:38,957 >> Stephen: LOOK HOW YOUNG YOU LOOK. 412 00:27:39,024 --> 00:27:40,492 FANTASTIC. YOU LOOK FANTASTIC HERE. 413 00:27:40,558 --> 00:27:44,529 I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT IT. >> John: I'M GOING TO GET SOME 414 00:27:44,596 --> 00:27:49,901 SURGICALLY IMPLANTED BANGS. I'M SURE THEY DO THEM. 415 00:27:49,968 --> 00:27:52,737 >> Stephen: YOU'RE OVER AT HBO. 416 00:27:52,804 --> 00:27:55,707 ARE YOU HBO OR HBO MAX QUESTION RACK IS THERE A DIFFERENCE? 417 00:27:55,774 --> 00:27:58,376 >> John: IT'S A FAST-MOVING LANDSCAPE. 418 00:27:58,443 --> 00:28:01,913 >> Stephen: HOW IS THE LEADERSHIP? 419 00:28:01,980 --> 00:28:05,784 YOU GOT BOUGHT AND THERE IS BLOOD IN THE GUTTERS? 420 00:28:05,850 --> 00:28:07,952 >> John: WE GET BOUGHT A LOT AT THE MOMENT. 421 00:28:08,019 --> 00:28:14,526 ARE YOU SAYING WE GOT BOUGHT BY THE MOUSE? 422 00:28:14,592 --> 00:28:16,795 >> Stephen: ARE YOU PART OF SHARK WEEK NOW? 423 00:28:16,861 --> 00:28:24,202 >> John: NO. >> Stephen: BEFORE WE GO, 424 00:28:24,269 --> 00:28:26,738 BEFORE WE GO. I HAVE TO, OBVIOUSLY I NEED TO 425 00:28:26,805 --> 00:28:30,942 GET BOTH AN AMERICAN AND -- DO YOU HAVE DUAL CITIZENSHIP? 426 00:28:31,009 --> 00:28:32,911 >> John: YES. HE ASKED ME THAT LAST TIME. 427 00:28:32,977 --> 00:28:34,813 I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU FIND SO DIFFICULT. 428 00:28:34,879 --> 00:28:38,650 I AM ALLOWED TO BE A CITIZEN OF BOTH COUNTRIES. 429 00:28:38,716 --> 00:28:41,052 YOU DON'T LIKE IT. >> Stephen: I DON'T LIKE IT AT 430 00:28:41,119 --> 00:28:42,287 ALL. >> John: YOU WANT SOMEONE TO 431 00:28:42,353 --> 00:28:49,094 PICK A LANE AND STAY IN IT. >> Stephen: ONE OF THE 432 00:28:49,160 --> 00:28:51,396 COLBERTS WHO CAME OVER, LANDED IN VIRGINIA AND HAD TO GO ALL 433 00:28:51,463 --> 00:28:53,298 THE WAY TO ST. LOUIS TO GET OUT OF TROUBLE. 434 00:28:53,364 --> 00:28:56,101 I THINK HE WAS A HORSE THIEF. >> John: BACKUP. 435 00:28:56,167 --> 00:28:58,837 YOU CAN'T THROW ANY DETAIL LIKE THAT. 436 00:28:58,903 --> 00:29:01,306 ANYWAY, I THINK HE WAS A HORSE THIEF. 437 00:29:01,372 --> 00:29:04,642 THAT'S THE MOST FAST ANYTHING I'VE EVER HEARD OUT OF YOUR 438 00:29:04,709 --> 00:29:07,912 MOUTH. I AM NEVER LETTING YOU NEAR A 439 00:29:07,979 --> 00:29:09,247 HORSE. THAT DOESN'T GO AWAY. 440 00:29:09,314 --> 00:29:11,549 >> Stephen: THEY BELIEVE HE WAS A HORSE THIEF AND THAT'S 441 00:29:11,616 --> 00:29:13,751 WHAT I HAD TO FLEE. WHEN HE BECAME AN AMERICAN 442 00:29:13,818 --> 00:29:17,856 CITIZN, HE HAD TO SAY, HE FORCE WEARS ANY ALLEGIANCE TO THE 443 00:29:17,922 --> 00:29:30,268 QUEEN OF ENGLAND. >> John: I FO FORESWORE BACKED 444 00:29:30,335 --> 00:29:32,604 ALONG TIME AGO. >> Stephen: GIVE ME THE 445 00:29:32,670 --> 00:29:35,440 INTERNATIONAL PERSPECTIVE, THE UFOs. 446 00:29:35,507 --> 00:29:41,079 DO YOU THINK THEY ARE UFOs? >> John: ARE THESE UFOs 447 00:29:41,146 --> 00:29:43,481 UNDER YOUR SKIN? YOU SAT UP. 448 00:29:43,548 --> 00:29:46,718 >> Stephen: WHAT IS IT ABOUT THE POSSIBILITY OF UFOs THAT 449 00:29:46,784 --> 00:29:48,453 EXCITES ME? >> John: I GET IT. 450 00:29:48,520 --> 00:29:52,056 WE HAVE TAKEN THIS LIVE ON EARTH THING AS FAR AS WE CAN. 451 00:29:52,123 --> 00:30:00,865 SOME I TAKE -- SOMEONE TAKE THE RELAY BATON FROM US. 452 00:30:00,932 --> 00:30:02,867 >> Stephen: UNIDENTIFIED AERIAL PHENOMENON. 453 00:30:02,934 --> 00:30:07,071 >> John: THEY EXIST. THE U PART, IDENTIFIED. 454 00:30:07,138 --> 00:30:09,073 >> Stephen: THEY TOLD US THEY WERE REAL. 455 00:30:09,140 --> 00:30:11,309 THEY DO 8,000 MILES AN HOUR AND STOP INSTANTLY AND PULL 800Gs. 456 00:30:11,376 --> 00:30:14,345 >> John: YOU ARE CONFLATING A LOT OF THINGS. 457 00:30:14,412 --> 00:30:16,814 >> Stephen: THAT'S WHAT I DO. I DO THAT PROFESSIONALLY. 458 00:30:16,881 --> 00:30:21,719 HAVE YOU NOT WATCHED THE SHOW? >> John: YOU KNOW WHO ELSE 459 00:30:21,786 --> 00:30:24,088 CONFLATES A LOT OF THINGS, DOMINOES. 460 00:30:24,155 --> 00:30:27,192 PHILIPPE STOP IT. IT'S NOT A FOODSTUFF IF YOU KEEP 461 00:30:27,258 --> 00:30:31,529 MESSING WITH IT. DON'T PUT GUMMY BEARS ON THE 462 00:30:31,596 --> 00:30:33,565 PIZZA, YOU SOCIOPATHS. >> Stephen: DO YOU ACTUALLY 463 00:30:33,631 --> 00:30:37,769 WANT TO TALK ABOUT THIS? DO YOU WANT TO? 464 00:30:37,835 --> 00:30:40,405 >> John: THESE ARE HIGH VELOCITY SURVEILLANCE BALLOONS 465 00:30:40,471 --> 00:30:42,974 WHICH HAVE BEEN AROUND FOR LIKE 50 YEARS. 466 00:30:43,041 --> 00:30:45,877 >> Stephen: HIGH VELOCITY BALLOONS? 467 00:30:45,944 --> 00:30:47,745 THERE'S NO HIGH VELOCITY BALLOONS. 468 00:30:47,812 --> 00:30:50,348 HIGH VELOCITY BALLOON? >> John: YOU SEND A BALLOON 469 00:30:50,415 --> 00:30:54,385 HIGH ENOUGH, IT WILL MOVE AT A HIGH VELOCITY. 470 00:30:54,452 --> 00:30:56,287 >> Stephen: THAT WAS A NICE TRY. 471 00:30:56,354 --> 00:30:59,657 THAT WAS A NICE TRY. THAT WAS A NICE TRY. 472 00:30:59,724 --> 00:31:01,893 NICE TRY. JOHN, THANK YOU SO MUCH. 473 00:31:01,960 --> 00:31:07,432 NO, WE'VE GOT TO GO. SEASON OF "LAST WEEK TONIGHT," 474 00:31:07,498 --> 00:31:12,503 AND THIS IS THE GUY. ONE OF THESE TWO GUYS. 475 00:31:12,570 --> 00:31:15,607 FEBRUARY 19 ON HBO. JOHN OLIVER. 476 00:31:15,673 --> 00:31:18,643 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH FORMER WHIE HOUSE CHIEF OF STAFF RON 477 00:31:18,710 --> 00:31:19,310 KLAIN. 478 00:31:33,424 --> 00:31:35,260 ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY. 479 00:31:35,326 --> 00:31:37,695 WELCOME BACK. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MY NEXT 480 00:31:37,762 --> 00:31:40,632 GUEST HAS BEEN A MAINSTAY OF DEMOCRATIC POLICYMAKING FOR OVER 481 00:31:40,698 --> 00:31:46,404 30 YEARS AND JUST SERVED AS THE WHITE HOUSE CHIEF OF STAFF. 482 00:31:46,471 --> 00:31:52,210 PLEASE WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW," RON KLAIN. 483 00:31:52,277 --> 00:32:04,222 HELLO, RON. LISTEN, NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN. 484 00:32:04,289 --> 00:32:06,758 WE MET BRIEFLY BEFORE. HE FIRST STARTED WORKING WITH 485 00:32:06,824 --> 00:32:11,663 JOE BIDEN 36 YEARS AGO. UNTIL RECENTLY YOU WERE THE 486 00:32:11,729 --> 00:32:13,431 CHIEF OF STAFF. THERE YOU ARE IN THE OVAL OFFICE 487 00:32:13,498 --> 00:32:19,837 RIGHT THERE. THAT'S NICE. 488 00:32:19,904 --> 00:32:26,044 THE BLACK AND WHITE GIVES IT GRAVITAS, LIKE YOU ARE JACK AND 489 00:32:26,110 --> 00:32:29,881 BOBBY. BEFORE WE START, ARE YOU 490 00:32:29,947 --> 00:32:35,453 ABSOLUTELY SURE YOU TOOK NO CLASSIFIED DOCUMENTS FROM WHEN 491 00:32:35,520 --> 00:32:37,922 YOU LEFT THE WHITE HOUSE? >> Ron: STEPHEN, I AM 492 00:32:37,989 --> 00:32:41,326 ABSOLUTELY SURE I TOOK NO DOCUMENTS AT ALL WHEN I LEFT THE 493 00:32:41,392 --> 00:32:43,127 WHITE HOUSE. >> Stephen: GOOD. 494 00:32:43,194 --> 00:32:46,264 WELL, ONLY TIME WILL TELL, RON KLAIN. 495 00:32:46,331 --> 00:32:51,202 OKAY. CHIEF OF STAFF IS THE GUY WHO 496 00:32:51,269 --> 00:32:53,504 GETS THE CALL. BEFORE EVEN THE PRESIDENT, TO 497 00:32:53,571 --> 00:32:55,940 GO, WHAT IS THIS THING THAT'S INCOMING TO THE EXECUTIVE BRANCH 498 00:32:56,007 --> 00:32:58,176 THAT WE NEED TO DEAL WITH RIGHT NOW? 499 00:32:58,242 --> 00:33:02,046 NOW THAT YOU'RE NO LONGER THAT GUY, DO YOU GET TO SLEEP AT 500 00:33:02,113 --> 00:33:03,314 NIGHT? >> Ron: I'VE BEEN OUT FOR 501 00:33:03,381 --> 00:33:07,085 ABOUT A WEEK AND YES, I AM SLEEPING MUCH BETTER, THAT'S FOR 502 00:33:07,151 --> 00:33:08,853 SURE. YOU ARE THE PERSON. 503 00:33:08,920 --> 00:33:10,988 WHEN YOU'RE THE CHIEF OF STAFF COMING OF THE PERSON THEY CALL 504 00:33:11,055 --> 00:33:13,491 TO DECIDE WHETHER OR NOT WE SHOULD WAKE-UP THE PRESIDENT. 505 00:33:13,558 --> 00:33:17,929 I USED TO SLEEP WITH MY PHONE BY THE BED WITH A SPECIAL RINGTONE 506 00:33:17,995 --> 00:33:20,431 FROM THE SITUATION ROOM SO I WOULD BE SURE TO WAKE UP. 507 00:33:20,498 --> 00:33:22,567 >> Stephen: WHEN THAT SOUND HAPPENS. 508 00:33:22,633 --> 00:33:25,203 >> Ron: YOU GET OUT. >> Stephen: WHAT WAS THE 509 00:33:25,269 --> 00:33:27,839 SOUND? >> Ron: IT WAS A CHIMING 510 00:33:27,905 --> 00:33:29,073 CHIMING SOUND. WE WENT THROUGH A WEEK LAST 511 00:33:29,140 --> 00:33:33,644 SUMMER THE PHONE RANG EVERY NIGHT AND I KEPT ON GETTING UP. 512 00:33:33,711 --> 00:33:38,750 THERE WAS NO ONE THERE. I KEPT ON CALLING BACK THE 513 00:33:38,816 --> 00:33:40,451 SITUATION ROOM. DID YOU CALL ME? 514 00:33:40,518 --> 00:33:43,521 NO, WE DIDN'T CALL YOU. NIGHT AFTER NIGHT AFTER NIGHT. 515 00:33:43,588 --> 00:33:47,558 AFTER ABOUT A WEEK I GOT OUT THE NEXT DAY AND LOOKED OUT AND 516 00:33:47,625 --> 00:33:49,227 REALIZED MY NEIGHBORS HAD INSTALLED A NEW WIND CHIME WITH 517 00:33:49,293 --> 00:33:53,231 THE EXACT SAME SOUND AS MY SPECIAL RING. 518 00:33:53,297 --> 00:33:56,868 SO I HAD TO CHANGE THE RING. NOW I SLEEP. 519 00:33:56,934 --> 00:33:58,236 >> Stephen: EXCELLENT, EXCELLENT. 520 00:33:58,302 --> 00:34:04,609 CAN YOU TELL US WHAT'S GOING ON WITH ALL OF THESE UFOs? 521 00:34:04,675 --> 00:34:07,445 BECAUSE THERE UNIDENTIFIED FLYING OBJECTS, YOU ADMIT THAT? 522 00:34:07,512 --> 00:34:10,515 >> Ron: I WILL ADMIT. >> Stephen: YOU ARE SWORN IN 523 00:34:10,581 --> 00:34:13,251 BEFORE YOU COME ON ANY LATE NIGHT SHOW. 524 00:34:13,317 --> 00:34:16,454 >> Ron: ABSOLUTELY. I WILL ADMIT THEY ARE AS YET 525 00:34:16,521 --> 00:34:19,223 UNIDENTIFIED. I WAS THERE WHEN WE DID IDENTIFY 526 00:34:19,290 --> 00:34:21,426 A CHINESE SPY BALLOON COMING INTO OUR AIRSPACE. 527 00:34:21,492 --> 00:34:25,296 THE PRESIDENT MADE THE RIGHT DECISION TO SHOOT IT DOWN ONCE 528 00:34:25,363 --> 00:34:28,232 IT SAFELY HAD EXITED OVERLAND CHEMICALLY SHOT DOWN SAFELY OVER 529 00:34:28,299 --> 00:34:29,700 WATER. >> Stephen: MY OVERWATER? 530 00:34:29,767 --> 00:34:32,370 THERE'S A LOT OF THE UNITED STATES PROVISIONAL PEOPLE 531 00:34:32,437 --> 00:34:34,138 OUT THERE. >> Ron: WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO 532 00:34:34,205 --> 00:34:39,844 DROP A COUPLE THOUSAND POUNDS OF METAL AND SHRAPNEL YOU WANT TO 533 00:34:39,911 --> 00:34:44,115 BE EXTRA SURE IT DOESN'T FALL ON THE SCHOOL OR CHURCH OR ANYTHING 534 00:34:44,182 --> 00:34:46,284 LIKE THAT. >> Stephen: YEAR THE CHIEF OF 535 00:34:46,350 --> 00:34:47,952 STAFF. >> Ron: THAT'S ONE OF THE 536 00:34:48,019 --> 00:34:50,021 CHIEF OF STAFF RULES. >> Stephen: YOU ARE THERE WHEN 537 00:34:50,087 --> 00:34:53,624 THEY TOOK THAT DOWN. WHAT ABOUT THE ONE IN ALASKA OR 538 00:34:53,691 --> 00:34:58,229 CANADA OR THE ONE IN LAKE HURON? WERE YOU GONE FOR THAT? 539 00:34:58,296 --> 00:35:03,901 >> Ron: I WAS GONE FOR THOSE WHEN I CAN TELL YOU I KNOW OUR 540 00:35:03,968 --> 00:35:05,102 MILITARY, THEY ARE RECOVERING THE REMAINS. 541 00:35:05,169 --> 00:35:07,638 THEY ARE GOING TO FIGURE OUT WHAT IT WAS BARELY OF THE BEST 542 00:35:07,705 --> 00:35:09,807 PEOPLE ON IT. >> Stephen: WILL THEY TELL US? 543 00:35:09,874 --> 00:35:12,310 >> Ron: THEY WILL TELL US WHAT IT WAS BUT I CAN TELL YOU 544 00:35:12,376 --> 00:35:18,149 THERE'S NO EVIDENCE AT ALL, I'M SORRY, THAT IT IS ALIENS IN ANY 545 00:35:18,216 --> 00:35:20,017 WAY, SHAPE, OR FORM. >> Stephen: ARE YOU SAYING 546 00:35:20,084 --> 00:35:23,087 THESE AREN'T ALIENS OR THERE IS NO EVIDENCE AT ALL OF ANY ALIENS 547 00:35:23,154 --> 00:35:26,891 OUT THERE? REMEMBER YOU ARE SWORN IN. 548 00:35:26,958 --> 00:35:32,129 >> Ron: THERE'S NO EVIDENCE OF ALIEN LIFE ON EARTH OTHER THAN 549 00:35:32,196 --> 00:35:37,602 TED CRUZ. >> [CHEERING] 550 00:35:37,668 --> 00:35:42,406 >> Stephen: ALL RIGHT. WHAT DO PEOPLE NOT UNDERSTAND 551 00:35:42,473 --> 00:35:44,442 ABOUT THE JOB OF CHIEF OF STAFF? >> Ron: I THINK PEOPLE DON'T 552 00:35:44,509 --> 00:35:49,313 REALLY APPRECIATE WHAT AN AMAZING TEAM GET TO LEAD AS 553 00:35:49,380 --> 00:35:51,649 CHIEF OF STAFF. THERE ARE ABOUT 400 PEOPLE WHO 554 00:35:51,716 --> 00:35:54,452 WORK AT THE WHITE HOUSE. WE WERE VERY LUCKY IN THE BIDEN 555 00:35:54,519 --> 00:35:57,855 ADMINISTRATION. WE WORKED VERY HARD TO HAVE THE 556 00:35:57,922 --> 00:36:03,294 MOST DIVERSE WHITE HOUSE STAFF AND HISTORY THE MAJORITY WAS 557 00:36:03,361 --> 00:36:05,763 FEMALE, FIRST TIME EVER. FIRST AND NEVER MAJORITY OF THE 558 00:36:05,830 --> 00:36:08,199 SENIOR WHITE HOUSE STAFF WAS FEMALE. 559 00:36:08,266 --> 00:36:10,301 RECORD NUMBERS OF PEOPLE OF COLOR WORKING ON THE STAFF. 560 00:36:10,368 --> 00:36:12,737 THE PEOPLE, I WOULD GET THERE VERY EARLY. 561 00:36:12,803 --> 00:36:16,173 I WOULD STAY VERY LATE. PEOPLE WERE THERE WITH I GOT 562 00:36:16,240 --> 00:36:17,875 THERE. THEY WERE THERE WHEN I LEFT. 563 00:36:17,942 --> 00:36:20,711 PEOPLE COME INTO THAT BUILDING EVERYDAY TO WORK SO HARD FOR THE 564 00:36:20,778 --> 00:36:24,315 AMERICAN PEOPLE TO TRY TO MAKE THIS COUNTRY A BETTER PLACE, AND 565 00:36:24,382 --> 00:36:27,919 THAT'S SOMETHING, IT'S AN UNBELIEVABLE HONOR TO BE ABLE TO 566 00:36:27,985 --> 00:36:35,726 LEAD THAT TEAM. >> Stephen: A RECENT POLL... 567 00:36:35,793 --> 00:36:36,861 [APPLAUSE] A RECENT POLL, AP POLL RECENTLY 568 00:36:36,928 --> 00:36:40,865 SAYS 37% DEMOCRATS WANT PRESIDENT BIDEN TO SEEK A SECOND 569 00:36:40,932 --> 00:36:44,669 TERM WITH MANY CITING HIS AGE IS THE REASON PRESENTATION. 570 00:36:44,735 --> 00:36:48,506 WHAT IS YOUR RESPONSE TO PEOPLE WHO THINK THAT HE IS TOO OLD TO 571 00:36:48,573 --> 00:36:52,209 BE RUNNING AT 82 AND SERVED UNTIL HE'S 86? 572 00:36:52,276 --> 00:36:55,513 HAVE YOU THOUGHT ABOUT A FORMULA? 573 00:36:55,580 --> 00:36:58,015 >> Ron: I ASK PEOPLE TO LOOK AT THE RECORD. 574 00:36:58,082 --> 00:37:01,519 THIS PRESIDENT HAS PASSED THE MOST SIGNIFICANT ECONOMIC PLAN 575 00:37:01,586 --> 00:37:06,824 SINCE FDR WHILE MANAGING THE LARGEST LAND WAR IN EUROPE SINCE 576 00:37:06,891 --> 00:37:08,092 TRUMAN. HE PASSED THE LARGEST INFO 577 00:37:08,159 --> 00:37:10,861 STRUCTURE BILL SINCE EISENHOWER, MOST SIGNIFICANT GUN-CONTROL 578 00:37:10,928 --> 00:37:13,431 BILL SINCE CLINTON AND PASS THE MOST SIGNIFICANT CLIMATE CHANGE 579 00:37:13,497 --> 00:37:16,267 BILL IN ANY COUNTRY, ANY PLACE ON EARTH AT ANY TIME. 580 00:37:16,334 --> 00:37:18,836 I THINK IF YOU LOOK AT THAT RECORD. 581 00:37:18,903 --> 00:37:23,140 I THINK IF YOU LOOK AT THAT RECORD AND THEN YOU JUST SAW, 582 00:37:23,207 --> 00:37:25,910 YOU SAW HIM LAST WEEK GO TOE-TO-TOE WITH THE HOUSE 583 00:37:25,977 --> 00:37:29,714 REPUBLICANS AT THE STATE OF THE UNION HOLDING HIS OWN, MORE THAN 584 00:37:29,780 --> 00:37:32,250 HOLDING HIS OWN, AGAINST A KIND OF A RAUCOUS CROWD. 585 00:37:32,316 --> 00:37:34,919 I THINK THAT'S A PERSON IS DOING A GREAT JOB AS PRESIDENT AND 586 00:37:34,986 --> 00:37:38,189 SHOULD GO FOR FOUR MORE YEARS. >> Stephen: I KNOW THE STATE 587 00:37:38,255 --> 00:37:41,425 OF THE UNION IS PROBABLY THE HARDEST SPEECH TO WRITE. 588 00:37:41,492 --> 00:37:44,695 THERE ARE MORE HANDS, MORE THUMBS GET INTO THAT PIE THEN 589 00:37:44,762 --> 00:37:48,432 PROBABLY SHOULD. EVERYONE WANTS THEIR ISSUE TO BE 590 00:37:48,499 --> 00:37:50,868 ADDRESSED. EVERY DEPARTMENT IN THE 591 00:37:50,935 --> 00:37:52,870 ADMINISTRATION. IT'S GONE OVER WITH A FINE-TOOTH 592 00:37:52,937 --> 00:37:57,675 COMB. I ASSUME YOU'RE INVOLVED IN THAT 593 00:37:57,742 --> 00:37:59,377 PROCESS? >> Ron: I WAS BUT THE 594 00:37:59,443 --> 00:38:01,846 PRESIDENT HAS TWO GREAT PEOPLE WHO LEAD THAT PROCESS AT THE 595 00:38:01,912 --> 00:38:03,714 WHITE HOUSE. I CERTAINLY HAD MY TWO CENTS IN 596 00:38:03,781 --> 00:38:04,915 THERE. >> Stephen: YOU'RE WATCHING 597 00:38:04,982 --> 00:38:07,118 IT. ARE YOU WATCHING FROM THE 598 00:38:07,184 --> 00:38:08,686 WHITE HOUSE OR ARE YOU IN THE GALLERY? 599 00:38:08,753 --> 00:38:11,255 >> Ron: I WATCHED IT FROM THE WHITE HOUSE TO LEAD OUR 600 00:38:11,322 --> 00:38:16,093 CONTINUITY OF GOVERNMENT EFFORTS IN CASE ANYTHING, GOD FORBID, 601 00:38:16,160 --> 00:38:18,162 HAPPENED DURING THE STATE OF THE UNION. 602 00:38:18,229 --> 00:38:21,132 >> Stephen: YOU IN THE SECRETARY OF LABOR. 603 00:38:21,198 --> 00:38:22,667 >> Ron: HE WAS IN A DIFFERENT LOCATION.& 604 00:38:22,733 --> 00:38:26,470 SPIN ON THE PERSON GETS CHOSEN AS THE DESIGNATED SURVIVOR, WHEN 605 00:38:26,537 --> 00:38:28,472 THEY FIND OUT THEY ARE THE PERSON. 606 00:38:28,539 --> 00:38:30,307 THEY GO OH, [BLEEP]. I AM THE ONE YOU DON'T CARE 607 00:38:30,374 --> 00:38:31,542 ABOUT. >> Ron: NO, THIS IS THE 608 00:38:31,609 --> 00:38:34,045 PRESIDENT TO HAVE THE WORST HAPPEN WOULD BE THE PRESIDENT OF 609 00:38:34,111 --> 00:38:37,448 THE UNITED STATES. IT'S A GREAT HONOR TO BE THE 610 00:38:37,515 --> 00:38:40,284 DESIGNATED SURVIVOR. >> Stephen: THE SECRETARY OF 611 00:38:40,351 --> 00:38:42,920 LABOR. >> Ron: MARTY WALSH. 612 00:38:42,987 --> 00:38:46,390 >> Stephen: I JUST WANTED TO KNOW IF YOU KNEW. 613 00:38:46,457 --> 00:38:53,564 I TOTALLY KNEW. WHEN THE CRUELLA DE VILS OUT 614 00:38:53,631 --> 00:38:59,837 THEY ARE SAYING "BOO, BAD, YOU STINK." 615 00:38:59,904 --> 00:39:03,774 WHEN THEY WERE DOING THAT WHEN HE DESCRIBED THE POSITION OF 616 00:39:03,841 --> 00:39:06,210 SOME OF THE MEMBERS IN THE REPUBLICAN PARTY ABOUT 617 00:39:06,277 --> 00:39:10,781 SOCIAL SECURITY AND MEDICARE, MULTIPLE TIMES STATED THEY 618 00:39:10,848 --> 00:39:16,487 WANTED TO CUT IT, LORI ARE YOU? >> Ron: WE DID PLAN A LITTLE 619 00:39:16,554 --> 00:39:17,855 BIT. WE WERE EXCITED. 620 00:39:17,922 --> 00:39:21,358 IF YOU DON'T WANT TO BE ACCUSED OF TRYING TO CUT SOCIAL SECURITY 621 00:39:21,425 --> 00:39:24,128 AND MEDICARE MAY BE YOU SHOULDN'T TRY TO CUT 622 00:39:24,195 --> 00:39:37,174 SOCIAL SECURITY AND MEDICARE. HARRY TRUMAN, "GIVE 'EM HELL, 623 00:39:37,241 --> 00:39:41,846 HARRY." HE SAID I DON'T GIVE THEM HELL. 624 00:39:41,912 --> 00:39:44,949 I JUST TELL THEM THE TRUTH. >> Stephen: WHEN IS THE 625 00:39:45,015 --> 00:39:47,118 PRESIDENT GOING TO ANNOUNCE? >> Ron: THAT'S UP TO HIM AND 626 00:39:47,184 --> 00:39:49,553 HIS FAMILY TO PICK THE RIGHT TIME. 627 00:39:49,620 --> 00:39:51,722 I HOPE IN THE NOT-TOO-DISTANT FUTURE. 628 00:39:51,789 --> 00:39:53,424 >> Stephen: SO HE IS ANNOUNCING? 629 00:39:53,491 --> 00:39:57,094 >> Ron: AGAIN, I'M NOT HERE TO ANNOUNCE THAT HE'S ANNOUNCING. 630 00:39:57,161 --> 00:39:59,697 >> Stephen: IT SOUNDS LIKE -- >> Ron: I'M HERE TO ANNOUNCE 631 00:39:59,764 --> 00:40:04,101 THAT I HOPE HE ANNOUNCES. >> Stephen: THANK YOU SO MUCH 632 00:40:04,168 --> 00:40:07,505 FOR BEING HERE. RON KLAIN, EVERYBODY. 633 00:40:07,571 --> 00:40:09,306 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK. THANKS. 634 00:40:09,373 --> 00:40:10,608 THAT WAS A TON OF FUN. 635 00:40:16,280 --> 00:40:17,581 >> Stephen: THAT'S IT FOR "THE LATE SHOW." 636 00:40:17,648 --> 00:40:19,817 TUNE IN TOMORROW. MY GUESTS WILL BE PATRICK 637 00:40:19,884 --> 00:40:23,821 STEWART AND KE HUY QUAN. STICK AROUND FOR JAMES. 638 00:40:23,888 --> 00:40:24,321 GOOD NIGHT.