[Grace Potter's "Stuck In The Middle" playing]
♪ Well, I don't know Why I came here tonight ♪
♪ Got the feelin' That somethin' ain't right ♪
♪ I'm so scared In case I fall off my chair ♪
♪ And I'm wondering How I'll get down the stairs ♪
♪ And there's clowns to the left of me Jokers to the right ♪
♪ Here I am Stuck in the middle with you ♪
♪ Yes, I'm stuck in the middle with you ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh ♪
[TV plays indistinctly]
[woman] Our lotion is blended with 22 essential oils,
AHA, as well as our very own secret ingredient which I can't get into,
but it works wonders.
Now, it is guaranteed to make you look and feel younger in just 30 days.
Look at your skin.
Okay, you sad sack. On your feet.
Today's the day.
We are doing it.
I got Platinum passes for Six Flags.
No, they still got my picture up from when I pretended to be a war hero.
I see. And may I ask why you're eating noodles with tongs?
More noods per scoop, brah.
You're having a complete nervous breakdown.
It's not complete until I stop wearing pants.
Uh-oh.
What do bike shorts mean?
Perhaps it's time we called Grace.
No, I can't.
I've got to get used to being on my own,
and Grace has got to get used to being married.
We said we weren't gonna call each other about every little thing.
Well, then, you need to snap yourself out of this.
Did you read that book I gave you, You Need to Snap Yourself Out of This?
Oh, yeah, that bullshit about how the way you live can affect your mental health?
Well, it really helped me when I was a person of interest
in my husband's death.
- [slight chuckle] - I mean, the author, Dana Morino,
is a genius.
Where is the book?
I think we both know I lost it.
[softly] Oh, God.
[exhales]
[grunts]
[whispers] One, two, three.
[grunts]
[exhales]
Oh. [grunts]
- What's that, honey? - Oh.
[grunts]
Hi, sailor.
Come here often?
Only when I'm not avoiding my wife.
Why don't I take the day off?
We'll go see Jurassic Park. I can have the plane ready in an hour.
Why would we fly somewhere to watch a movie?
Movie?
You know, honestly, I was...
I was kind of looking forward to settling into a routine
after Vegas and Bora Bora and that weird half-day in Boise.
I had to take you to my favorite Ruth's Chris.
You should go to work.
- But I... I will take a hug. - [Nick chuckles]
[Grace chuckles]
[both] Mmm.
[Nick] Mmm. [grunts]
- Mmm. - [Grace chuckles]
- Mm-hmm. Yeah, that's good. - Mmm.
Someone's a little clingy this morning.
- Well, can you blame me? - [chuckles]
Here's an exciting thought. How about a night at home? I'll cook.
True story, I've never once had a home-cooked meal.
And I'll do you one better. We'll invite Keith.
- Keith who? - Skolka.
- Keith Skolka? - Your son.
Oh, God. Keith?
Well, you know my daughters. I don't know your son at all.
Funny thing is, I don't even really know him very well.
But from what I hear around the office, he's...
You know, he's what you'd call a "small doses" guy.
Well, it's happening.
You've seen my family in all its dysfunctional glory.
- Now it's your turn. - How can I argue with that?
Should we say tomorrow?
Fine. I'll figure out where his desk is and tell him.
Good boy.
[knocking]
Nick, we need to leave five minutes ago
if we're gonna make this meeting with Matsuhashi.
Hi, Grace. Congratulations, by the way.
Thank you, Miriam. What happened to your arm?
Oh, nothing too exciting.
I hurt it playing with Pete Sampras.
You play tennis with Pete Sampras?
No.
Come on. Move it or lose it, buster. You've got a schedule to keep.
What would he do without you?
Go to prison for many, many years.
I have done some stuff. Shall we?
Yeah. I'll call us a cab.
[both laugh]
Can you imagine?
No. The helicopter's waiting on the roof.
- Come on, let's go. Bye, Grace. - Bye.
[Miriam laughs] A cab.
Oh. [exhales]
See, I think if we amortize our four-point-seven...
Let's just call it a five.
If we amortize that surplus from last quarter
to cover the current gaps in production, well, I just...
I think we're gonna see some pretty spectacular
end-of-the-year fiscal projections.
I mean, I'm...
- I'm talking... - [keyboard clacking]
At best, mind you. I mean, at best a...
point-zero-eight-four percent bump in variable revenue stream facilitation.
Boom. [chuckles] How do you like them bananas?
Brianna?
- Brianna! - [gasps]
Wow. Barry, you just put me right the fuck out.
- Surprise, Erin and Liz are here! - Hey.
And you just showed up without calling, so 1993.
Sorry, I wanted to call, but Liz said there was no time.
Oh, no, Erin, did you decide not to have the baby, and I'm free from this?
Oh, I decided not to have the baby,
but you're not free from this because now Liz is.
Wait, what?
So this one decided to choose smoking cigarettes over carrying a baby,
so now it's me.
And I am ovulating like a Civil War cannon.
Well, let's get you pregnant, General Grant.
Okay. And that's my cue.
Okay, um...
So tomorrow, at the Margera Hotel, we booked two rooms.
Check-in is at 3:00.
And we will have a fruit plate and some trail mix waiting.
- Oh. - And then you'll, well, you know...
[chuckles]
- Masturbate into a bowl. - Yeah.
- It's a yogurt dish. - Right, right.
And then our friend Jenny will take your deposit
and deliver it to us in our room.
[Barry chuckles]
Guys.
Hi.
I couldn't help but listen in horror. Who is Jenny and why?
- Uh, she's our middleman-slash-runner. - Yeah, no one wants to see Barry
- all flushed and sweaty. - Mm-mm.
Uh, you mean dewy and triumphant.
[Liz and Erin chuckle slightly]
Jenny is straight?
- She is, despite our best efforts. - [Erin chuckles]
And since you didn't want to do it...
Yeah.
She wears a lot of Lululemon or...
- She looks great in Lululemon. - Mmm.
I'm your runner, ladies.
Hey.
[birds chirping]
Sol, are you quite ready?
[Sol] Coming!
The first challenge in researching what to do for our honeymoon
was narrowing it down into four categories:
Getting away from it all,
learning adventure,
feeling good because we're doing good, and rumpus, general.
- Robert, where are your materials? - I don't need materials.
I have researched exhaustively
and am prepared to deliver my opening remarks.
Shall we begin?
Okay.
- Boat. - Excuse me?
Boat. Bobby wants a boat trip.
Yes, well, I know you fancy yourself a man of the sea...
Thank you.
But I've got a few things in these binders that you're going to want to explore.
What about Gettysburg?
Perfect! We'll sail there.
Think about it, Sol. We can go anywhere.
Sail through the Panama Canal if we want. Just you, me, and the deep blue sea.
I don't know. I think it's asking for trouble.
How is it asking for trouble?
What about your health? Your heart attack was only four years ago.
Please, I'm as healthy as a boat.
Why are you so against this?
Because the ocean is no place for a person.
What if you suddenly need to get out of the boat?
And how do they stay afloat, the boats?
Wait. Sometimes they don't.
But that's just a myth propagated by the airline industry.
Sol, what is going on with you?
I can't swim, okay? So we can't go on a boat trip,
because if I fall off, I'm sinking into a watery grave.
Oh, Sol, honey,
if you find yourself having to swim on a sailing trip, you're already dead.
Television on. Steel Magnolias.
[female computerized voice] Playing Steel, starring Shaquille O'Neal.
Whatever. Do what you want. You always do.
- [movie starts] - [knocking on door]
[turns off TV]
[exhales]
Frankie, meet Dana.
Dana, meet Frankie,
a shell of her former self.
Oh, good. I was hoping to meet new people today.
Come in. I was just about to watch my third-favorite Shaq movie.
I hired Dana for the day.
She's here to whip your sorry ass into shape.
Okay, you can stop helping now, Joan-Margaret.
Frankie, I want to help you get your house in order.
I mean, clean house, healthy mind. Will you let me help you?
It may not look like it to the untrained eye,
but I have a very carefully curated system going on here.
Okay. So, can you tell me what your credit card is doing
stuck to your back with a piece of gum?
That's where I keep my credit card.
But I will thank you for finding my gum.
Frankie, be a good girl, won't you? I paid good money for today.
Oh, about that. Uh, your check bounced, so if we could...
Bye, girls!
Look, I know you're having a hard time right now.
And I totally understand your resistance to this process.
I've seen it a million times.
But I promise you that by the end of the day, you'll feel better.
All right.
The whole place, I guess, needs to be vacuumed.
So your first job will be to find the vacuum.
I'll be right here if you need me. Just tell me if the TV's too loud.
Frankie, I am not a maid, and I am not your mother.
And I have already been paid, sort of.
You're doing this with me, and it's going to hurt.
Now, what in God's name are these?
Because I love them.
- Really? - No, they're horrible.
If I had my gun, I'd shoot them.
[scoffs]
[knocking on door]
Oh, hey, Grace, don't mind me. I'm just in and out.
Oh, hey, you.
I-I just had to grab this file I need for tomorrow.
I'm so sorry, I keep barging in on you like this.
No problem. I'm used to being barged in on.
Not used to the apology. That's refreshing.
- [chuckles] - Boundaries, right?
Oh, yes. Boundaries, they're, like, my whole thing.
Well, boundaries and fen-phen.
God bless you.
I had a roommate who once used my underpants as a napkin.
So, this is nice.
Come and have a glass of wine with me.
Oh, I'd love to, but I can see you're getting ready to eat dinner.
- I don't want to intrude. - Nonsense. Sit.
[sighs] Okay.
[Grace chuckles]
Thanks.
I've always liked you, Miriam.
I'd... I'd like to...
I'd like to get to know you better.
Well, very few people know me, Grace.
I love that.
So give me a... give me a taste. Are you seeing anyone?
Oh, no, no.
Boyfriends have an annoying habit of becoming husbands,
and I'm not going down that road again anytime soon.
And kids?
Just my son.
- [knocking on door] - Oh.
I want to know more. Hold that thought.
Keith, welcome. I'm so glad we can do this.
Me too. I brought bread. Hey, Mom.
Keith, I don't even like my own kids to call me "Mom."
Hello, sweetheart.
[Nick] Hey, Miriam...
and Keith are here together!
Nick!
Oh. Excuse me.
- Hey, so this is super weird. - Did you guys know it was Comic-Con?
No, but that explains the drunk Spider-Man passed out on our lawn this morning.
A lot of lonely boys in latex.
Most of these costumes are probably actually a spandex-cotton blend.
You know, they wish they had latex. [chuckles]
To our rooms! [chuckles]
Good luck, Barry.
- Thanks again, Brianna. - Yeah, no sweat.
Shuffling around a glass bowl of spunk amidst a sea of doughy Captain Americas
is definitely not an actual, real nightmare I've had.
Milady.
- What? - Wait, wait, wait.
Did new-Mom not know that old-Mom is my mom?
No, she definitely did not.
Oh, new-Mom's not gonna like this.
Can we pump the brakes on the "new-Mom" talk?
Thank you, Keith. I see you've brought bread.
It's for dinner.
Why am I not surprised that you didn't tell her?
What's that supposed to mean?
I think it's supposed to mean you got a new...
Once again, thank you, Keith.
I'm so sorry, Grace. I assumed you knew.
No reason to be sorry.
In fact, why don't you join us for dinner?
I made a roast.
Oh, Grace, that's so weird of you to offer,
but you know what, I really should be going.
I insist.
I wanted to have a lovely evening getting to know my husband's family,
and here you all are.
Honey, are you sure you wouldn't...?
I made a roast!
[vacuum whirring]
Hey, Frankie.
[vacuum turns off]
I need you to give me three good reasons
why we should keep this Happy Meals prize from 1988.
It's a collector's item.
He swivels.
And we almost named Coyote "Hamburglar"
but ultimately decided that was a ridiculous name for a child.
[chuckles]
Okay, but-but-but where would be a good place for it?
The floor?
- But I know that's not right. - Mmm.
Hey, how about this?
[exhales]
[clicks tongue]
So, what about these Welding Woman magazines from the 1970s on?
Do we need all of these?
Y-Yes.
Do you weld?
Not as such, no.
- So these are crazy, right? - [exhales]
I suppose.
[necklaces clattering]
Would you stop struggling?
Good Lord, how many necklaces do you need?
Some of these are belts.
And who is this, please?
Nobody.
- Hey. - [Dana] Good job!
Done early with plenty of time to spare.
[Frankie] And spare we shall.
I'm rolling a particularly hearty joint.
- Care for a sip? - [Dana] No, thanks.
But I, uh... I did see a freezer full of vodka,
and I am a sucker for a dry martini.
And I'm a sucker for a gal who's a sucker for a dry martini.
Hmm.
Under. Reach. Good.
Reach. Big elbows.
Reach. Scoop. Great.
Scoop. Reach as far as you can reach...
I was snack mom today.
- My compliments. I love string cheese. - Yeah, so does my Jason.
- He's the one in the red trunks. - Mmm.
Ugh, he was so nervous, I had to bribe him to come today.
Hmm. You should've seen mine this morning.
Yeah? Which one's yours?
- [Kyle] Reach. - The seven-foot-tall 80-year-old man.
Reach. Reach.
Yeah. Over.
Reach. Reach.
Point your toes.
Ballerina kicks.
Like a ballerina.
Ballerina kicks, everyone.
[grunts loudly]
Make bubbles.
[Sol grunting]
[grunts continue]
[Kyle] Keep kicking. You're falling behind.
I told you, Kyle,
I only respond to positive reinforcement,
and if you were a good instructor, you'd know that education
is not monolithic and that every child learns differently!
Come on, let's go!
I know you can do it.
I'm doing it!
Are you walking, sir?
Yes.
[exhales]
Brianna! I told you we should have brought a go-bag.
All the lotions are scented. It's like masturbating at a Sephora.
I'm not listening.
[woman on TV] And... And what's nice about this product is...
[TV chatter continues indistinctly]
Hmm.
Hey, did you remember to bring your soft clothes?
I'm gonna want to cuddle after.
I think we should see other people.
[door opens in adjacent room]
[man 1] I'm so tired of this conversation.
Hulk is the most powerful mutant in the Marvel Universe.
Jesus Christ.
[man 2] You betray yourself, sir. Hulk?
Strongest, sure.
- But can he bend time? No. - [scoffs]
- Who can? Cable. - Wha...?
[man 3] You're both tourists. It begins and ends with Jean Grey.
It's Franklin Richards! Franklin Richards!
Jesus dang Christ!
[scoffs] Incredible Hulk? He isn't even an Omega-Level mutant.
Franklin Richards can create whole universes out of dang nothing!
So y'all pretenders needs to shut it
'cause some of us are trying to masturbate in here!
[man] Yeah!
[smooth jazz playing]
- Is everyone enjoying the roast? - Mmm.
- Delicious. - Mmm, roast.
Look, our... our marriage basically meant nothing.
- Less than nothing. - For sure. Not a happy home.
We were completely wrong for each other.
But you two are such... great communicators.
Though neither of you told me you were married.
Would you buy "I was getting around to it"?
- Pass the peas? - How long were you married?
Okay, cards on the table...
I totally forget.
Ditto. I mean, long enough for this to happen.
- Oh, yeah. - Hey-o.
But you guys work so well together. So why didn't you work so well together?
Well, things tend to fall apart when you screw the help.
What? Wait...
Nick, my God! Are you kidding me?
Oh, no. No, that was my bad.
Giacomo...
He took me to soccer a bunch.
Giacomo was actually a great guy.
Did Giacomo know you were married to Miriam?
That's a Miriam question. Keith, the peas?
[Miriam] Okay, well, I think you two have got a lot of screaming to do.
- So, Keith, let's go. - I'm still workin' on this roast.
- Move your ass! - Get the hell out of here!
[Keith] Thanks for dinner.
Bye.
[exhales]
Well, you're fucked.
[exhales]
[heavy breaths]
Yeah.
[exhales]
It's bad if I throw up in it, right?
Just go. [pants]
Okay.
- Careful. - Okay, okay.
I'm going.
- It's actually really authentic. We... - [gasps]
Of course it's a pair of elves.
- [owl hooting] - [crickets chirping]
- I was proud of you today. - You were?
Of course.
And if this really is something you cannot do,
then we just won't go on a boat trip. I'll get over it.
[chuckles]
You're a good husband.
[chuckles]
So... honeymoon ideas?
How a-boat a European trip?
Robert, you just said "how a-boat."
What is it with you and sailing?
I don't know, I guess it all started when I saw Grace Kelly and Bing Crosby
on that sailing boat in High Society. Remember?
It all seemed so glamorous and far away.
And I wanted to be a part of that world so badly.
Is that why you joined the Navy?
Yes. Being a weatherographer on the USS Pocono
is about as close as I ever got.
But I still dream about that sailboat.
If it means this much to you, I'm going to do it.
I'm going to learn to swim. I'm going to beat this thing.
If you can learn to swim, I promise you this:
I will stop eating bacon past 10:00 p.m.
Really?
11:00 p.m., yep.
And that's why I'm not welcome back at Benihana.
[both laugh]
Oh, God, I wish I was a little more like you.
- You mean fascinated by knives? - [chuckles]
- Oh. - I think it's cashed.
[chuckles]
You know what? This whole day's been about me.
I feel like I don't know anything about you.
You're obviously career-oriented.
What else? Kids? A gay husband? Tell me everything.
Oh, Frankie, I am not in the habit
of talking about my personal life or feelings.
Not yet. Wait till I open you up.
And that sounded exactly the way I wanted it to.
[both laugh]
What do you want to know?
Okay, we'll start off easy.
- Where are you from? - Denver.
- Go, Nuggets. - Mm-hmm.
Are you estranged from any immediate family members?
[both laugh]
I thought you said we were gonna start off easy.
Well, we did.
- There was all that great Denver stuff. - [laughs]
Okay.
Well, I...
I'm kind of on the outs with my oldest daughter.
We're not speaking.
And that's kind of my area of expertise.
This chick I know, Grace, I basically taught her how to be a mom, so...
[sighs]
Okay, fine. Here it goes.
[exhales] So, Katie and I...
[alarm ringing]
Oh, look at that. Our time's up. That happened fast.
What are you talking about? We're just getting started.
No, Joan-Margaret only hired me for eight hours.
I really need to get going.
Oh, I... I guess I just thought...
Frankie, the place looks great.
Look at all we got done in just one day.
So now we party.
No, now I go home and you party.
But I don't know where any of my things are.
Well, I don't know about you, but I actually had fun today.
Me, too.
Oh, what the hell. I don't normally do this with clients, but...
Yes?
Would you mind leaving me a good review on Yelp?
Oh, yeah, sure. Of course.
I mean, it'll be easy
- since you found my phone in the fridge. - [chuckles]
It was good meeting you, Frankie Steinberg.
See ya.
Well, now Keith can't say I never had dinner with him.
What the hell were you thinking?
Okay. I wasn't thinking.
She's been my business partner for so long,
I-I'd truly, truly forgotten we were ever married.
Oh, bullshit. Bullshit.
You can keep saying bullshit, but it doesn't make it bullshit.
You lied to me.
Okay, fine. You...
You know why I didn't tell you?
Yeah, 'cause you're a coward, and you didn't want to have to deal with it.
Well, obviously that.
But also, I was worried that you'd make me fire her. And I need her.
Why would I make you fire her?
- Well, you know, old wife, new wife... - [scoffs]
I do understand the concept of a professional relationship.
Of course you do.
Well, then next time, don't underestimate me
and assume you know how I'm gonna react.
I won't. I promise.
- Will you do the same thing for me? - Of course!
Well, I'm...
I'm waiting for you to not underestimate me about a thing.
A thing.
A couch thing. And...
not being able to get off it.
You noticed?
Yes. I was a person in the room with all my faculties.
Okay, you know something? This couch is a death trap, and I hate it.
Okay. Fuck this couch and the sultan who gave it to me.
- Fuck that couch! - [laughs]
The only thing in this house that means anything to me at all is you.
And my ties.
[scoffs]
[chuckles]
Oh.
- I really want to make us work. - Me, too.
So, from now on,
let's tell each other everything.
The Miriams and sore joints and all. Total honesty.
I never saw The Godfather.
I want a divorce.
[both laugh]
Mmm.
[knocking]
[high voice] Who is it?
[Brianna] Okay, I have some good news and bad news.
Bad news first, please.
[Brianna] I bumped into some elves,
and I spilled all of your semen on the ground.
Brianna, you know how hard it is to get two in a row out of me on a good night.
Did you do this on purpose?
[Brianna] Of course not.
Can you blame me for asking? I mean, you've never been on board with this.
If I didn't want you to do this, would I have done this?
Get the bowl.
I love you, and I know that you can do this.
You're better than all those stupid eight-year-olds
with their malleable minds and their supple joints.
You have something they don't have, Sol.
Bigger hands. Use them!
I can do this.
Yes, you can. And I'll be walking right beside you every stroke of the way.
Godspeed, my love.
[dramatic instrumental music plays]
[yells] I did it!
Robert!
Did you see? I did it!
- [panting] - Robert?
I'm coming. I'll be right there in a second. Okay.
[exhales]
Fit as a fiddle, eh?
You want to go sailing? You are getting a physical first.
- [pants] - I went from there to there.
[Robert] Yes. Yes.
- I went from there... - [Robert] Yeah.
- ...to there. - [Robert] Yes.
[toilet flushes]
[grunts]
[exhales]
Okay.
[pants]
One, two, three.
Oh!
[knocking on door]
[Nick] Honey, everything okay in there?
Uh...
[exhales]
Actually, Nick...
- [Nick] Grace? - Oh.
- You okay? - [exhales]
I'm fine, honey.
[Nick] Okay. I'm leaving for work. Love you.
[exhales]
[cell phone chimes]
Five stars. Great service.
But if you're looking for love, she's not your gal.
[ringing]
["Reach Out I'll Be There" by Gloria Gaynor plays]
[cell phone continues ringing]
Hey, lover.
- ♪ Now if you feel that you can't go on ♪ - [laughs]
♪ Because all of your hope is gone ♪
♪ And your life is filled with confusion ♪
♪ And happiness is just an illusion ♪
♪ And your world around Is tumblin' down ♪
♪ Darling, reach out ♪
♪ Reach out ♪
♪ Reach out for me ♪
♪ I'll be there ♪
♪ To love and comfort you ♪
♪ Trust me, baby ♪
- ♪ I'll be there ♪ - ♪ I'll be there ♪
♪ With a love that'll see you through ♪
♪ Now when you're lost And about to give up ♪
♪ About to give up... ♪
[woman] Okay, good night.