Mom's not gonna eat cupcakes that have clearly been fingered by tiny hands.
They're for me.
It's stressful being the buffer between you two.
I've only been doing it my whole life.
I've been a buffer for you.
I mean, remember that time I came with you to confront Mom
when you secretly gave her that loan?
You had to know she was gonna find out.
Look, Mallory, not to get super dark, but I thought she'd die first.
Hey, so what happened with square-jawed Ryan?
Nothing. Just a bunch of sex and stuff.
Good for you.
I know. He has, like, 17 abs.
Was it hot? Was it fun? Was it hot and fun?
It was... many things.
Wow, this is the least graphic you've ever been.
Where are the disgusting, yet creative, descriptors?
I may have just gotten more discreet in my old age.
-His penis had abs. -There it is.
Hi, Mommy, who inspires me every day to be a better Brianna.
You had no right to get involved in my business.
Okay, I see we're diving right in there.
Mom, I wasn't trying to get involved.
I was trying to help you out. Where's Frankie?
-Frankie! -She's not here.
-Where is she? -Don't know, don't care.
Typical Frankie, leaving when the heat's at the door.
She's probably halfway to Borrego right now, wearing one of her moustaches.
You know, I never would have taken that money if I'd known it was from you.
I know and that's why I didn't tell you.
-That's smart, right? -No!
What does it matter where the money came from?
It matters.
Can I just say,
in terms of terrible things Brianna's done,
giving you money isn't exactly at the top of the list.
Thank you!
So what, exactly, is the problem?
The problem.
You want to know what the problem is?
The problem is... children aren't supposed to do this for parents.
Parents are supposed to do this for children.
Mom, at a certain point aren't we supposed to do things for you?
Because we love you and you gave us life...
and good hair.
Maybe it's getting to be that time.
It is not "that time."
Do you understand me? It is not "that time"!
We are not at "that time."
He's dead, Mom. You got him.
I want to take this away.
So we started off in a classic standoff.
I was looking at him, he was looking at me,
giving me the stink eye.
No one was backing down.
And then I remembered what my therapist said about being more authoritative,
so I stood my ground.
I said, "You hairless monster. You poop in the litter box!"
-Whoa. -Yeah. And ever since then, guess what?
Gregory poops in the litter box.
No, no, no. He still poops in my shoes, but I can tell he feels horrible about it.
You are a tough one.
You can be tough, too.
Well, I have to be. I'm the boss now.
You want to try bossing me around?
Maybe.
Pour me some more wine, please.
No, no, not please. Not please.
Pour me some more wine.
If you insist.
Is this low-histamine wine cooperating with your allergies?
No, I'm completely inflamed.
Hmm.
Oh, Bud, I'm sorry. I know I'm not supposed to be here--
Coyote, you are such an ass-- Mom?
I know. I am an ass-mom.
But she called me really freaking out.
-What's wrong? -I'm bleeding!
-What?! -Emotionally.
Ahh, Mom, we talked about the difference between physical and emotional bleeding.
-What the hell's going on? -I think a fight with Grace?
I don't know, it's hard to say. She was rambling like a prison letter.
You need to get her out of here because I had an evening planned.
Bud, this is not about you. Something happened.
My dummy exploded.
It's crazy how often she has cause to say that.
Hi, Allison.
Hi.
How's your ichthyosis?
Drying up. I'm starting to slough.
-How are you? -Oh! My roommate has a gun!
Like a real gun or like an emotional kind of--
Uh, right now, in this moment, is there something that I need to do?
-Because if not-- -Yes. No. Yes.
Look, team, I will tell you everything in a moment, but I'm beat.
-Of course. Yeah, use Bud's bed. -Uh...
Bud was kind of planning on using Bud's bed.
Oh, thank you, Coyote.
Oh, rose petals!
Oh, thank you, Bud.
Well, where are we gonna fuck?
Allison, um... I'm on this.
Just give me a second to put out this non-fire and I will be right with you.
Bud! I didn't know you had silk sheets.
Okay. Well, I think I'm gonna head out.
Okay, just give me an hour and then come back.
If you'd like, consider that an order.
I like.
See you in an hour.
Oh, look at that, her ichthyosis really does look better.
According to my mother, your mother has a gun. Is this true?
Wait, Frankie found Louise?
-Your mother's gun is named Louise? -Your brother's name is Coyote?
-Did Grace mention a shooting? -No.
-Is that why Frankie's not here? -We're still piecing it together.
All I know is that my bed,
which I specifically re-pillowed for Allison,
is now occupied by my mother.
And the fact that this is a problem is somehow lost on my brother.
Oh, I've stopped listening.
Ooh...
Did something happen between you and Frankie and Louise?
Mom...
Did you take a shot at Frankie?
Please, she was barely in the house when the firearm discharged.
I could feel the heat of the bullets whizzing by my head!
You shot at your best friend?
No!
I shot at an extremely life-like piñata.
Oh, it looked just like me. She knew what she was doing.
She is a dangerous, menacing lunatic.
Has she called?
I'm not calling her. I need another drink.
Or...
What?
We could smoke all of Frankie's pot.
I promised her if I ever smoked the pot I would do it with her.
Or... it's a double "fuck you."
I don't care for that language...
but fuck her!
You know what might help you right now?
A nice, long cuddle--
Oh, I thought you'd never ask.
With Jacob! You know, your boyfriend at his home.
-He's a little upset with me. -Oy.
Mom, I think what you and Brianna tried to do for Grace was nice.
Oh, thank you, son-friend.
I think so, too.
Maybe you guys could go think thoughts someplace together! Like a Denny's.
Bud, she's really shaken up.
Normally, I'm not wild about being talked about in the third person...
but "she" is really shaken up.
Would a little music therapy be good right about now?
You mean a jam sesh?
No, no, no, let's not turn this into one of Coyote's sad open mic nights.
They're not sad.
Uh, you have to pay to perform.
Do you still know "Sister Golden Hair"?
Just the intro.
That's cool, just play a bunch of that.
No! Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
Mom!
I've got an idea. What if I get you a hotel room?
A nice comfortable bed, free cable?
Room service?
You and the, uh, "band" could trash it.
Put the word "vegan" before "room service" and you've got yourself a deal.
Oh, wait, there's Rizzoli--
- He lied to me! - All About Eve--
- And it's out of here! - The Padres.
Think you could pick a channel and stick with it?
-Robert. -Hmm?
You abused your power as the remote holder and now I'm taking it.
Hey, I'm watching that.
Yes, well, I'm sorry to pull you away
from your new favorite Korean soap opera with no subtitles, but we need to talk.
I can figure out what they're saying from context.
It's the hallmark of good storytelling.
Like, for example, you see that fellow on the phone?
He has a secret pet chicken named Doug,
but animals are not allowed in his building so he's deeply ashamed.
Is it possible you're projecting onto this nice Korean gentleman and Doug?
I am not.
Right. So the fugue state you've been in has nothing to do with your mother?
That's right. I told her the truth.
She reacted horribly like I knew she would and that's that.
She's your mother, for God's sake. How could you not be affected by her?
Listen, Sol, I know you're trying to help,
but really, I don't want to think about her anymore, okay?
All right.
If that's what you want.
I'm sorry. You've been very patient with me
and I shouldn't take it all out on you.
That's what I'm here for.
How about we make a romantic evening of it?
-You'd be up for that? -And why wouldn't I be?
I don't know. I guess you haven't seemed terribly interested in romance lately.
Actually, not since we moved in.
Really? No. Didn't we--
The night Peter was here?
Nope.
Oh. The night I brought home lobster tails?
That was in the old house.
Really? Oh my.
They were good tails.
You drank the melted butter.
You saw that?
-I see everything. -All right.
We're gonna fix this right now.
You and I are going to make a delicious dinner,
then afterwards, we're gonna light some candles
and then pop a nice, chilled bottle of champagne.
You mean the gateway drug to romance?
You've caught my drift.
You all right with missing your program?
I've seen this one before. It does not end well for the chicken.
Come, my love.
-That's it. -Go, Mom!
It's still not working.
No, I told you the pot doesn't work on me.
My mouth is dry.
Marijuana's finally met its match:
Grace Hanson.
There's not enough weed in this world to relax that woman.
-So? -So what?
-Are you gonna see him again? -See who?
The guy with the penis abs.
Jesus, Mallory.
What are you not telling me? Was he bad at sex?
No. He was very professional.
Then what's the problem?
He was... a professional.
Like a lawyer?
Well, yeah, sort of like a lawyer. He charged me $300 for the hour.
I'm too stoned to play this game. What are you saying?
He was a working man.
A man of the night.
Has a heart of gold.
Jesus, Mallory, he's a hooker.
-What? -Shh.
Do you really want Mom to find out that I'm a Jean?
What's a Jean?
It's a female John. Can you keep up?
Do you know what I just realized?
The kitchen is still clean.
It's been clean all day.
The same amount of time Frankie's been gone.
Man, I could get used to this.
You say that now.
You'd miss her.
You'd miss...
her.
Hair in my brush? Paint in my shower?
Her in my shower?
Shower in my kitchen?
Do you know what I would pay for some peace and quiet around here?
Three hundred dollars?
Or, you could pay nothing because you'd hate living alone.
And you'd have no one to boss around or shoot at.
I wouldn't hate living alone. I've done it already.
-When? -With your father.
Ouf.
There's nothing like being with somebody and still feeling alone.
I know.
What's wrong?
Everything and nothing, you know?
Just... everything and nothing.
Ouf.
No, no, no to that.
No to loneliness.
I have a husband and a billion kids!
And you're not lonely!
I bet you never feel alone when you're with Frankie.
Huh. No.
Then what are you doing? You have a Frankie.
I wish I had a Frankie.
I am...
I mean, I thought I was your Frankie.
You are. You are.
See, Mom? Don't you want this with Frankie?
Why?
I have it with you.
We're having it right now.
Maybe the three of us can finally be close like I've heard families can get.
You know, we can hang out more, just like tonight.
And we can smoke the pot and have the talks.
Maybe we could start a book club.
Get your fucking mother over here.
Hey, hey, Mom.
Want to go for a ride in the trunk?
Yeah! No! Wait, where are we going?
To the beach house.
Oh, hell-to-the-nah.
Fuck! That's Allison. It's been an hour already?
It's been 87 minutes. For some reason, I know that.
-Hey. -Hey. Oh.
-This is being fixed, I promise. -Let's just call it a night.
There's a lot going on here.
She's talking about our tasty riffs.
-Okay, everybody, let's go. -I'm not going to the beach.
-Then you're going to the vegan hotel. -All right.
But first we have to go to CVS for a toothbrush,
and then to Target for a new pair of pajamas...
-Mom, no-- -...and then back to CVS
because I always forget something.
Good, and you know I need some ChapStick.
Oh, I actually have some ChapStick.
Wait! Wait.
Let me be direct.
Mom, we're gonna go back to the beach house, you're gonna grab your things,
and both of you are gonna go to the vegan hotel,
where I'm sure there will be cruelty-free ChapStick.
Hello, my love.
Hey, there.
You notice anything different about me?
Other than the way you're flirting with that doorway?
I'm wearing silk, Sol.
Not cotton, not flannel, but silk.
Nature's sexiest fabric.
It clings in all the right places.
Actually, it clings in all places.
Very nice.
The pajamas are nice, too.
What's wrong?
-What is it? -Ah, nothing.
I have some heartburn.
I'll make some tea. Excuse me.
Hmm.
Isn't this fun?
Yeah. We can do you next.
No, we're doing Brianna next.
No, I think Brianna's gonna pass on...
She calls it "Jamaica hair."
It's Jamaica hair.
Ooh, but, look, here's someone who might like it.
We just came to get my mom's weed.
Okay.
I think we found it.
I smoked on it, too.
You said you'd never smoke without me.
But then you also said you didn't have a gun either, so...
Whoo, whoo! Braid train! Frankie, climb aboard!
An emphatic "No, thank you"
followed by "You really should look in a mirror."
-No. -Remember what I did to those lifeguards
who tried to block me from double-tubing down that lazy river?
-Yes. -This has to stop.
And you want to know why?
Because the two of you love each other.
Oh, yeah. Yeah. I said it. Love.
L-O-V-E. L-U-V if you're feeling sassy.
I'm not feeling sassy.
Oh, you're never feeling sassy.
Well, you wouldn't know what sassy looks like on me.
Oh, why don't you eat a bowl of wangs!
Bud, we should go.
"Bowl of wangs" is how it started with those lifeguards.
This is ridiculous. You two are best friends!
And everyone who knows you can see that, even if we don't understand how.
Yeah, Mom, come on. You were just saying how much Frankie means to you.
She said she never-- Ow. She said she nev-- Ow!
She said she never felt alone when she was with you. Mom.
That's a really nice thing for Grace to say,
and she wouldn't have pulled so hard on Mallory's hair if it wasn't true.
Now, I know you're upset about the gun
and no one here is trying to minimize that.
May I ask what is so funny?
You look just like your dummy right now.
What? Is there a hole in my face?
Oh, yes! And it's going, "Wah wah wah..."
-Oh, God. The pot's kicking in. -No, no, no, it doesn't affect me.
Yeah, it does, Mom. It does.
-Let's go for a walk. Yeah. -Wah!
-You gotta stop doing that, Mom. -Choo-choo!
Oh, this is madness.
Mom. Mom!
She's high. She's not making fun of you, okay?
People say crazy things when they're high.
I say some of my most profound shit when I'm high!
Well, that's--
It's Allison.
Hey, baby, can you hang on one sec?
Hey, Bud, I have my therapist, Dr. Huang, on the line.
Dr. Huang, are you there?
He's there, he just always hits the mute button with his face.
And why is Dr. Huang on the line?
Oops! Sorry about that. I'm here.
Dr. Huang wants to talk to you about some of your family issues.
He thinks that your enmeshment with them is what's holding us back.
I withhold a formal diagnosis until we have a chance to talk at length.
No. Allison, I will be home in 20 minutes, 27 minutes if there is traffic.
Dr. Huang, it is lovely to meet you. I have to hang up now.
But-- No, Bud. Just wait. Come on--
Coyote, you got this?
Hard no.
-Mom, Coyote's got this. -No, Bud, I do not got this.
You need to try, which is what you should have done in the first place
-when Mom called you. -I did try!
No, you didn't, you just brought her back to my place and made me deal with it.
Because I don't have a place.
I know! And don't you think it's about time to change that?
-Hey. -I'm trying to change that.
I've been saving up.
And blowing all of your savings on things like new guitars for your open mic nights!
Because the only thing more pathetic than that
is sleeping on your brother's couch for 18 months!
Boys, please!
If you wanted me gone, you could have said so at any time.
But it's only an issue now because you're finally getting laid.
Congratulations on finding someone more neurotic than you!
-Fuck you. -Fuck you.
Where are you gonna go?
Stop it! Are you happy now?
No, I'm not happy now.
Mom, you need to fix this thing with Grace or I'm gonna throw myself into the river.
-The ocean's closer. -Mom, I am serious.
I am, too. I've tried with her.
Well, try harder. Or sell this place and move on.
I'm not selling anything.
And for the record, I don't need to be the one to try harder.
In 40 years, your father and I never had a fight like this.
You want to know why? Because he would cave in to your tantrums.
Tantrums?
One more word and I'm not gonna let you take me to my vegan hotel.
Good! I have things to do.
What's she staring at?
Everything.
Has anything she's said in the last ten minutes made sense?
She called me Shelley.
You look like a Shelley.
-I mean... -Really?
You don't not.
Let's go.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Frankie, come on.
No. I'm going to my hotel, where I'm welcome.
Where there's a deeply unsatisfying shower and the trash compactor is a goat.
No, no, no. Frankie.
-What would it take to get you to stay? -Nothing.
I'm not interested in living under the same roof
with someone who does shitty, sneaky things behind my back.
I've already lived that nightmare. I'm not doing that anymore.
Then go home.
I am home, sea witch.
She locked us out.
-Did you lock us out? -Yeah, I did.
Because you already locked me out--
Please, don't say it.
Metaphorically.
You make all the decisions for the business,
you decide what's best for me, and you don't include me.
That's how you locked me out.
Metaphorically.
You decided to have a gun without even telling me.
How could I tell you?
You pretend to be so open-minded, but how often do you actually listen
before you plug up your ears or burst into song?
Listen to what?
To why I even have a gun to begin with.
Well, I assume to blow holes in people.
See?
Okay, why do you have a gun?
No, never mind.
No! No backsies.
Damn you, Grace!
You've appealed to my emotionally curious nature.
I'm opening the door just a crack.
So, Robert gave you the gun?
When the kids went away to college.
And, of course, he was never home.
And even when he was, he was being gay with Sol, not straight with me.
Ha. Nice.
Anyway, I was in that house,
that big, horrible house all by myself and I was scared.
And Robert's solution was to give me a gun.
I guess because... he couldn't give me anything else.
But that was all I had all those years to make me feel safe.
But you don't live in that big, horrible house anymore.
You live with me.
I know.
I know. In a way nicer house.
With a way nicer person.
Who usually likes to be with me all the time.
Sometimes too much.
But I like that.
Sometimes too much.
So why do you still need the gun?
I guess I don't.
Will you get rid of it?
I will. I will.
I promise.
Did they just lock us out?
Okay, good night.