♪ Well, I don't know Why I came here tonight ♪
♪ Got the feelin' That somethin' ain't right ♪
♪ I'm so scared In case I fall off my chair ♪
♪ And I'm wondering How I'll get down the stairs ♪
♪ And there's clowns to the left of me Jokers to the right ♪
♪ Here I am Stuck in the middle with you ♪
♪ Yes, I'm stuck in the middle with you ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh ♪
Ready?
Here we go.
Behold. The Ménage à Moi.
Oh, my God, it's beautiful.
And so light.
It's like I'm holding a cloud.
Yeah, that can vibrate and give you orgasms.
Mmm.
Oh, my God, the glow-in-the-dark control buttons were a great idea.
Thank you.
And can we talk about this soft-grip gel sleeve,
Ms. Stroke-of-Friggin'-Genius?
Look how easily the angles change.
Mmm.
Oh, we did this, Frankie.
We said we were gonna do it and we did it.
Yeah! Thanks to Jacob.
What did he do?
Oh, yeah! Mr. Money Bags.
Have you talked to him yet about the terms of the loan?
Of course I did.
And what are they?
It's... you know... 72.
As in, percent? As in, interest?
It's an FDA glass-ceiling mortgage.
It's all FICA, Grace.
Okay, I better call him myself.
No!
I'll walk you through it later.
We've got a prototype to try out.
What do you say we give these bad boys a trial run
and then compare notes?
Here? In the same room?
No. Not in the same room.
I mean, I'm open to it, if that's your jam.
That is not my jam. Nothing could be further from my jam.
Then, how about this?
I do it whenever, you do it whenever,
and then we meet up whenever.
That's more my jam.
- It's pretty exciting, huh? - Yeah.
Oh, it's so quiet.
God. You know what I just thought?
Wow. I have not spoken to my cousin since...
a very long time.
You know, maybe I should call her now,
you know, while I'm thinking about it.
Let's call my cousin too.
Hello.
Good morning.
So, did you get in touch with your cousin?
I did.
We had a very satisfying conversation.
I'm going to make a point of calling more often.
Just between you and me,
that thing could give Jacob a run for his money.
He can't change angles as quickly.
And mama's got angles.
Look.
It didn't aggravate my arthritis one bit!
The Ménage à Moi, it works très magnifique.
Orgasms and pancakes with all the fixings!
Best day ever.
So when does the money truck pull up?
Whoa, slow down. It doesn't matter that we know it's great.
We gotta have other women try it and give us feedback.
But we don't have a budget for focus groups.
I could call a few of my friends.
No. I know your friends.
Get them all together in a room
and we'd end up with a doobie-smoking vibrator orgy on our hands.
You don't smoke during an orgy. Use your head.
It has to be an impartial group. We need unbiased opinions.
Where do we find those women?
Hang out at Home Town Buffet and
hand them out to older women at the soft serve bar?
Which is delicious, by the way, but strangely small cones.
You remember Arlene, don't you?
Sure. She was one of the mean girls you used to hang out with.
Arlene was never mean. I always thought of her
like one of those sweet birds that lives on the back of a crocodile.
Don't disparage crocodiles by comparing them to
old Puss Face and the gang.
She doesn't see Puss Face anymore.
She's joined a women's social group called The Daytimers.
They meet once a week for lunch.
You know, go on field trips, that sort of thing.
Hmm. Sounds like our target market.
Target market?
You've been tossing around fancy terms lately.
I googled "business words."
If I'm gonna be taken seriously as an entrepreneur,
I should start sounding like one.
Hostile takeover. Vested interest.
File not found.
Where are the jelly beans?
You finished them with your eggs yesterday, but I have gummy bears.
Who puts gummy bears on pancakes?
God. Okay. Enough.
This little piggy is done.
I'm glad you enjoyed it.
Sol's become quite the pizza maven.
He's even managed to make my special whole-wheat, low-fat, gluten-free,
soy cheese pizza taste quite... terrible!
It's still terrible!
Look at you two. So happy.
And why not? A beautiful, new home.
And retirement, what, just around the corner?
I wouldn't say around the corner.
I've rounded the corner and parked.
I'm really confused about this corner now.
We're gonna get Bud up to speed
before we turn the firm over completely.
Sol goes in three days a week and I don't go in at all.
Sounds like someone's just dragging his huaraches.
I'm this close to convincing him.
You need to be to convinced to retire?
All I've ever wanted to be is retired.
Whenever I see a Walmart greeter, I think: "Lucky bastard."
Robert's been bribing me with promises of traveling.
We've never even been to Gettysburg. Can you believe that?
I was thinking Spain,
but a blood-soaked battlefield
haunted with memories of dead boys could be fun.
Speaking of wars, did I mention that I'm directing 1776?
What? Where?
At the New Lear Community Theater of La Jolla.
I love 1776! Sol, tell him how much I love 1776.
He loves 1776.
♪ I say vote yes ♪
♪ Vote yes ♪
♪ Vote for independency ♪
Robert! I didn't know you could sing.
You have a very good voice.
Did you know he could sing like that?
Oh, sure. When we go out in the car,
he always puts on the show-tunes station.
Makes it impossible to carry on a conversation.
And sometimes I want to jump out the window.
But he does have an excellent voice.
Robert, you have to audition.
- Oh, no, I don't think so. - I'm serious.
The same people get cast over and over.
Some of them are tired and not good, and I hate them.
I love musical theater,
but I don't think that I could ever actually perform.
Stop it. You'd be terrific.
Sol, I want you to come audition, too.
Both of you say that you will, right now.
Me? Oh, no.
Thanks for asking, but I don't really think of myself
as much of an actor.
Didn't you two act straight for decades?
Sol, maybe we should audition.
Ah, "Hickory..."
lends a traditional smoky flavor and classic aroma."
Move over, mesquite. Looks like you're not the only game in Pizzatown.
Want to come with me on a hickory hunt?
How could I not?
Guess what?
We're auditioning for 1776.
What?
You have only to prepare a song
I just signed us up on the New Lear website.
I'm gonna do "The Impossible Dream."
Robert, I don't know, it's a little out of my comfort zone.
Isn't that the reason to do it?
To do the things we've never done? Come on. Let's have an adventure.
You have talked about widening our social circle.
That's right. And you know, theater folk are an interesting bunch.
Entertaining, creative types.
Left-brained.
And more fun than our old lawyer friends.
Big drinkers, the theater crowd. Big, big drinkers.
They celebrate life.
You know, I was in Carousel in junior high.
- I didn't know that. - Oh, yes.
I played Enoch Snow, Jr.
Very small role, but everyone said I stood out.
It might have been because I was 14 and six feet tall,
but I remember the experience fondly.
Maybe it's time to trod the boards again.
That's the spirit!
I know exactly what I'm going to sing for my audition.
"Leaving on a Fast Train."
Jet plane.
No, a fast train.
Grace, it is so sweet of you and Frankie to have us all over.
Coming to the beach is such a treat.
And we're all so curious about this business you two are starting.
We're so excited to hear what all of you think about it.
Okay, ladies.
If you all will take a seat, make yourselves comfortable,
we can get started.
Frankie and I really appreciate your coming out here today.
We just can't wait to tell you what we've been up to.
- Excuse me, Grace? - Yes?
Before you begin, I'd like to ask everyone to stand
and join hands as we bow our heads and thank the Lord
for bringing us together on this beautiful day.
Heavenly Father, our hearts are so filled with joy today.
- Amen. - Thank you, Lord.
Praise Jesus.
Hear us, Lord,
as we give you thanks for bringing Grace and Frankie into our lives.
We ask that you give us strength, O Lord,
to help our new friends in any way we can with their new endeavor.
We ask this in your name. Amen.
- Amen. - Uh...
Arlene, how do you know these women?
Oh, well, I recently joined St. Erik Lutheran.
This is my prayer group.
Jesus Christ.
I can't wait to hear all about this product of yours.
Okay.
Oh!
Cookies! We forgot to put out the...
Frankie, mind helping me with the cookies?
Why, are they made of bricks?
So funny. We'll be right back.
Okay.
Oh, my God.
Grace? Grace, did you catch that religion thing?
Since I'm not deaf like you are, yes, I did!
What are we gonna do?
There's a strong rip current today.
I'm going to walk right into the ocean and be on my way to Hawaii.
Let me handle it.
I've been waiting my whole life to talk to a bunch of Bible-thumpers
about my naughty bits.
No and no. I'm gonna do it.
I have to do it.
I've got to do it. I hope you're getting a kick out of this.
Who are you talking to?
I don't think it's gonna fit. Careful, 'cause that's glass.
Thank you.
So, you brought the little guys.
Yeah, the sitter got her days mixed up, so I hope that's okay.
Well, I made reservations at Juniper & Ivy,
but I guess maybe Chuck E. Cheese instead?
Funny. They'll be fine.
Hey... you two.
They have names.
I know.
What are they?
Well, that's Little Round Head and Big Round Head.
- Jesus, Bree. - What, I'm their aunt.
I can't have sweet nicknames for them?
Whoa.
What?
Why are they staring at me?
They're babies. Babies stare at things.
Are they gonna burst out crying for no reason?
There's always a reason.
And can I ask what the fuck is wrong with you?
What?
Okay, look, I get it. We all get it. You don't want children.
Doesn't mean you get to be shitty about mine.
- Mal, I was joking. - No, it's not funny.
It used to be sort of amusing, like, "Oh, that's just you,"
but now it's just mean.
And I'm starting to think there's something really,
truly wrong with you.
Ouch.
Yeah, that's how you make me feel all the time.
- Okay, I'm sorry. - I don't want your apology.
I just want you to stop being a dick about my kids.
And if you can't, I don't want you around them. Okay?
Okay.
Enjoy your lunch.
Wow.
Um...
Well, I'd like to tell you a little something about myself
and how this whole thing got started.
Ten years ago, I was diagnosed with osteoarthritis in both wrists.
You know, it's very common.
Happens as we age, wear and tear.
Only God is perfect, right?
- Amen. - That's right.
I'm curious, do any of you have hand or wrist issues?
Oh, yeah.
My hands are so stiff in the morning, I can't even open them.
I have to run hot water over them just to get them going.
Oh, bless your heart.
And how do they feel after you masturbate?
Oh! Oh, no, no, no. It's okay. You're in a safe place.
No, this is like a...
It's like a sanctuary, so to speak.
Um...
So, does it aggravate the condition?
You know, swelling or pain after you...
After you masturbate, she's saying.
Praise His name.
Probably not your typical topic of discussion, I imagine,
at your prayer group.
Which is understandable.
I mean, um...
Jesus tap dancing Christ!
Grace, could we just pass these out right now?
Get this show on the road!
All right.
All of you just, um... reach down into the bag,
and you'll find a little goodie in there
that might make you feel... born again.
What is it?
Oh, we call it a Ménage à Moi.
It's a vibrator.
- But not just any vibrator. - Yeah.
No, it's designed specifically for the older adult woman
with hand or wrist issues.
So, what would you like us to do with it?
What do you think they want us to do with it?
I had a feeling this morning. I had a feeling. Don't go to the beach.
Come on, Carol.
Let's get out of here before they tie us to our chairs
and force us to watch blue movies.
No. Oh, please, no, don't go.
Lord.
Oh, Arlene, I'm so sorry. I honestly didn't mean to offend anybody.
It's okay.
We'll stop off at Chili's on our way home.
A molten lava cake will calm them down.
You know, separate from this,
I think I could hang out with Carol.
Peter! Come in. Come in.
Hope I'm not disturbing you guys.
Is Sol here? I don't see his car.
No, he's out foraging for hickory wood.
Long story. Come in, please.
Oh, thanks, but I'm only here for a minute.
I come bearing news.
I have the distinct pleasure of informing you
that you have been cast as John Adams
in the New Lear Theater’s production of 1776!
Ah! Oh, my God!
Oh!
I don't believe it!
Oh, don't be modest.
You blew everyone away.
We are all so excited about having you with us.
Except Evan Price. He thought he was just gonna be handed the role.
- Fuck him. - Okay.
So, uh, what now?
I mean... I'm sorry, I'm just trying to process all this.
- Sol! Who's Sol playing? - Hmm.
Yeah. He wasn't cast.
- No? - Mm-mm.
Nothing?
Oh, come on. Not understudy to Ben Franklin?
- Nope. - Background Congressman?
- Sorry. - Silent Man with spittoon?
Look, I love Sol to death.
You know I do.
But, Robert, his singing voice?
Flatter than West Texas.
And even the most basic dance moves.
Watching him was like...
You know how when a baby horse is first born
and it tries to get up and walk around for the first time?
- All spindly and... - Yeah, I get the picture. Yeah. Oh.
Look, I'm sorry, Robert. I know it's just community theater,
and gay community theater at that, but even we have standards.
I understand, but listen, he could be back any moment,
we've gotta figure out the best way to tell him.
I was thinking that the best way to tell him would be for you to do it.
But you're the director. Isn't that the director's job?
Quite honestly? This is my first directing gig.
I'm not familiar with the subtleties of the job yet.
Congratulations, Mr. Adams!
Thank you.
And good luck.
You did good today.
No, I didn't.
Nah, you didn't.
But don't beat yourself up.
I bet the first focus group for anal beads was a disaster, too.
You don't understand. We have a huge problem.
You saw what happened.
One word: "masturbation," and they are outta here.
It's not like I gave a demonstration.
Hey, that's their problem, not ours. We have a great thing here.
I know that. You know that.
I want the entire Midwest to know it.
I want the South to know it.
But how do we get them to listen?
They clearly don't want to talk about it.
I didn't want to talk about it.
I know those women.
I was one of them.
I know why they're upset.
Wait. Are you ashamed of what we're doing here?
Because if you are, tell me and we will
shit-can this whole thing right now.
No, it's just...
how do we get people
to try a product that no one will admit they want or need?
- I wouldn't say "no one." - What?
One of the vibrators is missing.
Hello. I brought takeout.
Frankie, your car is in the middle of the street.
Oh, fuck, I left my car in the middle of the street!
Ooh! Nice.
Oh, wow, it's a lot lighter than...
Who cares? Mine. It's a lot lighter than mine.
Is that Chinese food?
It is.
No. No. No! Mom.
You: "Hey, can you come by for dinner tonight? Smiley face."
Me: "Sure, I'll bring... What would you like?"
You: "Anything. Don't care. Wink face."
That's the trouble with texting.
If we had had an actual conversation, you would know that "anything"
means "anything but Chinese."
Too tired to be mean, so I'm gonna go with: "Sure. That makes sense."
Bad day?
The usual.
Really?
Mallory called. She told me what happened in your office.
She said you acted like a real bitch.
God, she's such a tattletale.
How far on her side are you as of right now?
Pretty far.
I can turn you.
Found it! Hickory.
I had to go all the way to Escondido.
- Here. Smell. - Very nice.
What's the matter?
Sol... sit down.
Okay.
Actually, before you sit, could you put the log down?
Robert, what is it?
I have something to tell you, but I'm not sure how.
Then just tell me.
Yes, um...
I...
It's...
- Well... - Oh, God.
You slept with Grace!
No! I did not sleep with Grace!
Oh! Thank God.
Okay. While you were out, Peter stopped by...
You slept with Peter?!
I did not sleep with Peter.
I didn't sleep with anyone.
Peter left some disappointing news.
Oh... We didn't get cast, did we?
Well, actually, I got cast...
in a lead role of John Adams.
That's amazing!
I am so proud of you!
- You're going to be a perfect John Adams! - Well...
- Did I get anything? - No.
I'm sorry, honey, you weren't cast.
Oh.
Okay.
Nothing?
Not Congressional Custodian, hmm?
Leather-Apron Guy?
Sol, there were only 26 male roles.
- Well, I... - You're disappointed, of course.
No, no, I'm fine. It was just a lark.
Twenty-six male roles?
Hon, look, I know this was something we were planning to do together.
So if you don't want me to do it, I won't.
Don't be ridiculous. You have to do it.
You're John Adams!
- Are you sure? Because if you say no... - Stop.
I'm happy to play another role.
The role of supportive spouse.
Thank you, my love.
What?
Nothing, I... I just...
I really thought my dancing would carry me.
We were supposed to have an adult lunch.
Why would you bring Thing One and Thing Two?
Why do people think they can bring their children everywhere?
You hated it when people brought children to parties.
That's true. This is different. It's your family.
Oh, please. Mom, you're just like me.
When that phone rings
and you see it's Mallory, what is your first thought?
It's Mallory, I should pick up.
But then you say a little prayer.
"Please God, don't let her ask me to watch her innumerable children."
Yeah, maybe. It's just she has so many of them.
Ha! You are on my side!
I didn't say that.
Mom, I just broke up with a guy.
Shouldn't I be able to talk to my sister about it
without watching babies hanging from her boobs?
Look, I think everybody can agree babies are terrible.
Don't share that with your sister.
You know what else she said to me?
She actually said that she didn't want me around them.
That there's something wrong with me. Like I'm broken or something.
- Mommy? - Huh?
Why so quiet?
- I'm avoiding land mines. - Wait.
You think there's something wrong with me?
Look, why don't you try pretending that you adore those kids?
That you think they're the cutest things in the world.
Why should I?
Because Mallory is a mother with a tribe of children.
She's not the younger sister who used to stay up with you and
braid your hair
and talk about boys.
Mom, we never did that.
- Well, what were you doing up there? - Smoking.
God, I miss smoking. And I miss that Mallory.
Well, that Mallory's up to her neck with dirty diapers and spit-up.
You just have to accept that.
Otherwise you're not gonna have any relationship.
But I want a relationship with her.
Then suck it up and be nice about the kids.
All of them?
Pick two to start.
Two? That's half.
So remember when we were kids and we'd get into a huge fight,
and then we'd sit down and talk it through? Remember?
No. You'd just beat the crap out of me
and eventually we'd forget what we were fighting about.
Well, do you want to try to talk it out now?
Well, I don't want the crap beat out of me, so, sure.
Cool. Okay.
So, um, I just need you to know
that I actually do love your kids.
Because they're your kids.
You've got a very weird way of showing it.
I know, right?
Look, I am who I am, Mal.
I mean, I'm never going to be good with them.
I can't pretend that their dumb stories make any sense.
And I'll always gag when they get
that gross dirt thing under their runny noses.
But when they're teenagers,
and can clean themselves and speak correctly,
they are mine. I mean, they're going to love their Auntie Bree.
- Yeah? - Yeah. I don't hate your children.
I just miss my sister.
I miss my sister, too.
You just wait.
I mean, I'm going to pass along everything that Frankie taught me.
How to roll a tight joint. Steer a car only using your feet.
Read aloud from Henry Miller.
- Classy. - Just the dirty stuff.
Okay. My children are not to go near you.
Not gonna be able to keep them away from me.
So, are we okay?
Only time will tell.
Okay, I am gonna beat the crap out of you.
What are you doing?
I'm picking the peas out of my fried rice.
Please don't put them in your nose.
It's Arlene.
Oh, God, what is she doing here?
♪ Shall we gather at the river ♪
Stop it.
- Hi. - Arlene, come in, please.
I'm sorry about yesterday.
- I should have warned you. - Don't be sorry.
There's no reason to be sorry.
Listen, I took one of the vibrators home and...
Ah-ha! I think I know who took one of the vibrators.
And love it.
There's no other way to say it.
It awakened something in me that I thought was long dead.
Oh, Arlene, that's exactly how I felt, too.
I never even realized how much I missed, you know, it.
How I've missed it.
How did you like those three glow-in-the-dark buttons?
That was my idea.
Love, love, and love.
How about the gel sleeve, Arlene, huh? Any wrist pain?
No. In fact, I think my hearing's improved.
I think mine has, too!
Yours hasn't.
So, I am gonna need a few of these for my prayer group.
Well, that's why I came by.
You're kidding? Those women?
I thought we were gonna get stoned by vibrator!
Well, it was a pretty quiet drive home.
But then I got phone calls later that night.
So, I'm gonna need three of these. Actually, four.
Doreen is on the fence, but I think I can get her to see the light.
Oh, you two are doing God's work.
What did she say?
We're doing God's work!
Amen, sister.
♪ Something's got a hold on me ♪
♪ Oh, something's got a hold on me ♪
♪ Let me tell you, children ♪
♪ It picked me up And then it turned me around ♪
♪ I said something's got a hold on me ♪
♪ Oh, you'll notice Something's got a hold on me ♪
♪ Talk about Oh, something's got a hold on me ♪
♪ I feel all right now ♪
♪ It picked me up And then it turned me around ♪
♪ I said something's got a hold on me ♪
- ♪ Oh, it got a hold - ♪ It got a hold, it got a hold on me ♪
- ♪ My love ♪ - ♪ It got a hold, it got a hold on me ♪
- ♪ The Holy Ghost got me now ♪ - ♪ It got a hold, it got a hold on me ♪
♪ And I don't care How you feel about me... ♪
Okay, good night!