After everybody leaves is when I leave.
And by the way,
I don't want any of the guests to know
that this party will be my last night on Earth.
I can't abide the idea of my nearest and dearest relating to me differently.
FYI, I plan to be dead by sunrise
so go ahead and make brunch plans.
That's really not funny.
I know. I'm still sorting out this gallows humor thing.
It's always too far or not far enough.
I honestly don't know how Jeff Foxworthy does it.
But... why do you want to die? Are you depressed?
No, it's nothing like that.
I'm the happiest person I know.
Exactly. You're the happiest person I know.
Have a little nip.
Got this from a monastery in Tibet.
They also make fudge that'll knock your balls up your ass.
How can you be serious about this? This is insane.
No, baby. This is the sanest decision I have ever made.
The cancer has come back. It's everywhere.
Oh, boy.
Oh, boy, oh, boy. I'm so sorry.
You and me both, sister.
I'm refusing treatment this time.
I'm not going through any more surgeries
or radiation go-rounds or chemo.
Hey, now. It wasn't all bad.
You rocked the shit out of some of those wigs we got you.
You're right. It was not all bad. But it was pretty fuckin' bad.
Yeah, I know.
You girls were so good to me during that nightmare.
And what was that joke you used to tell me in chemo
-that made me laugh so hard? -Um...
It... Mm... "Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your golden hair.
Sorry, I can't, I've got cancer, you fucker."
It's not as good as I remember.
You'll have to come up with a new joke.
You're asking a lot of me.
But you're the kindest person I know.
And in all my many travels,
my most dearest treasured friend.
Yeah, you say that to all the people you ask to kill you.
Just think about it. Take your time.
But don't take too much time. Let me know before tomorrow night.
I will.
From what I can tell, my cell phone seems to be a little south of Tijuana.
Odds are your cell's already been sold
and your car's already got a plate on it from an un-stolen car,
but we'll do our best to recover it, Mrs. Hanson.
Thank you so much.
And for the ride home. And for letting me sit in the front.
I didn't even do it yet! Oh, my God, I was right,
Minority Report is real.
I don't know what you're so freaked out about, but my car was stolen tonight.
Oh. Big honking bummer.
That's my roommate. Maybe you could explain to the officer
why you abandoned me in a dangerous parking lot?
I'd really rather not.
Uh, no! I want to know what was so pressing,
so much more important than my needing you to come--
Would you pick up a person who was drunk and emotionally assaultive?
Do it every day.
But I guess, yes, if the person was a friend.
Good answer. Your mother raised you well.
And would you consider a person a "good friend"
if she was so plastered she called you a failure in front of your sons,
and told your new boyfriend that you were afraid of sex in the vagina,
and she ate the cake you made for him with her hands?
I ate cake?
You also told me that you would be better off without me
and then you broke the toilet.
I'm not sure I understand the importance of the toilet.
She flushed my geodes.
Oh, in that case, I'd say you did the right thing.
-Ha! -I would've also changed the locks.
Thank you.
Here's my card. I'll call you if we find anything.
Call me if she gets out of hand.
You need to know, I don't remember
-most of what I said or did-- -I'm not speaking to you.
But I just-- I want to let you know that I'm--
No, no. Store's closed.
Oh, it's just if Macklin didn't have a birthday party,
and if I didn't have to go to the OB, and if Mitch wasn't out of town--
And I don't know what is going on in there,
but I can already tell they don't like me.
That can happen.
And right now I'm not too crazy about you bums, either!
Psst!
Oh, no, she can't hear anything in those. There is no Tooth Fairy.
- See? Nothing. - Hello.
Hi, Grandpas!
Hi, sweetie.
Come on, let's go get you a juice box. And then if you feel like it,
we can look at pictures of houses and condominiums online.
Sol.
Do you like magic tricks?
No.
Neither do I.
Come on, let's go look up condominiums.
Yay!
How long do I have to stay here?
-You're looking for a new place? -We are.
Wow. OK, then are you sure this is a good time?
I mean, 48 hours ago you weren't even speaking.
Are you kidding? We're so excited.
We couldn't think of anything we'd rather do today.
OK, well, I am glad someone is going to be having a good time.
Now I have to go pay a gyno to stick a cold metal probe into my vagina.
OK. Uh, drive safe.
Mmm.
Hi.
Oh, is that a piñata for Babe's party?
What's your agenda, lady?
'Cause if you're trying to trick me into talking to you,
I will manifest my inner jackal and you'll be sorry
you ever tangled with my mangy inner ass.
Oh, "inner ass," that's tough to stomach.
Deal with it.
Well... I brought you something.
I have a ton of stuff to do right now and a lot to think about.
Well, just let me give it to you.
You know, I walked to the market and they had these tiny wind chimes
that you can put on your rearview mirror.
No, thank you.
I'm trying to apologize.
You can't make it better by buying me off with a gift
like Robert used to do with you.
He didn't buy me off.
He was being thoughtful... and he always made me feel better.
-Just accept my apology. -I can't do this now.
Frankie, hear me out.
I...
I know I said hurtful things that I'm not proud of.
But the reason I got so drunk that I said all that stuff
is because it was the shittiest day of my life.
Frankie, um, I didn't break up with Phil like I said I would.
I...
I went to a hotel and we spent the night together.
Well, say something.
I'm sorry, what?
Frankie, I slept with Phil.
Then we broke up.
I'm probably never gonna see him again.
I'm sorry you're suffering.
But that was not an apology,
that was just an excuse for your bad behavior.
Not that I want to spend a single second on this shit,
but when you blame me for pushing you to Phil,
remember I'm the one that told you not to get more involved,
so if you're feeling worse now, it's totally on you.
How can you say that?
My brain sends a message to my mouth and it comes out. Neurology, Grace.
Yet you can't possibly know. You ready? Go ahead.
Time to wash your hands for lunch.
Ah, come on, I've got you.
Up we go. Up we go. We'll wash together.
-Upsy-daisy. -Want to turn on the water?
-Go ahead. Yep. -There we go.
-Did it. -Uh, not so fast, missy.
You've gotta really wash 'em.
Come on, we'll all do it together.
-There we are. -Get your whole hands in.
-There you go. -And really scrub up with those bubbles.
Let me have some of that soap.
This fuckin' guy.
I understand a charge was made at the Sergio Auto Emporium in Puerto Lobos,
but I assure you I did not buy any tires or naked lady mud flaps.
-Well, thank you, I appreciate that. -I have naked lady mud flaps.
Girl, you are a naked lady mud flap.
Oh, Babe. Frankie told me you were back
and I was so jealous not to have seen you yet.
Well, here I am in Technicolor 4D Smell-O-Vision.
Isn't this divine?
Danny Day Lewis made it for me when he went to perfume school.
It's, uh, gardenia and rain
and a bunch of other shit he's too pretentious to divulge.
-Yum. Wow. -Oh, how are you, sweetie?
Rock bottom.
My life is in the crapper of the crapper and Frankie's not talking to me.
Mmm, sounds like you might have something to do with that?
I don't know why she has to blow everything out of proportion.
You know, I might have said some terrible things to her, but I was drunk.
-I didn't mean it. -Oh, really?
Did you know in North Korea they use vodka as truth serum?
No, they don't.
Then Dennis Rodman's a fucking liar.
Want-- Want some?
No, thanks. But booze makes our id's and shadow-selves
pop out all over the place and you should know that,
because I believe I drank a pint of tequila and asked you to--
Hold you like a baby and sing:
♪ I love you a bushel and a peck ♪
Everybody likes to be tucked in, don't they?
-Not by me. -Oh...
Listen, toots, did you get my text? I need my samovar for the party.
You mean my samovar?
I'm the one that spotted it at the Rose Bowl in 1999.
-You snooze, you lose. -Well, I got it back.
You stole it back for your Boxing Day dinner that never existed.
But it's your fault that you ever believed I would have a Boxing Day dinner.
Ah, there you are.
I spoke with the pupusa guy who's on his way from El Monte
and the balloon lady is confirmed for eight.
Perfect. Frankie's helping me tonight.
Oh, no, no. I don't know how much I'm helping you, OK?
Well, don't take it out on Babe just because you're mad at me.
Oh, I have an amazing comeback to that, but I can't say it
-because I'm not talking to you. -Oh, yeah, because you're just incapable
-of giving up a grudge. -Oh, incapable?
-You don't know what capable is. -Why don't you learn a little bit?
No, no, let me tell you something. If I--
Hey, ladies? I know it's bad between you right now,
but I'd appreciate you putting your shit on the shelf when you come to my party.
Oh, Babe, it's sweet of you to invite me, but as you can see,
I'm not exactly in the party kind of mood.
Oh, yes, you are.
I think we're about done with you telling me what to do.
Babe, I promise I'll come to your next party.
That's not gonna work for me.
-Why not? -Because...
-there isn't gonna be a next party. -Why not?
Because I'm not going to be here.
Well, where are you going?
Well, that depends on what you believe in.
What are you talking about?
Have a seat, toots.
No. No, this can't be happening.
-It is, sugar. -You can't do this.
She is doing it. She made her choice.
-It's not her choice to make. -Actually, it kind of is.
Of course it is. Her life. Her death. Her choice.
Ooh, I like that. If I had more time I'd get a T-shirt made.
It's not right. Only God can make that decision.
-I thought you were mad at God. -Well, he's gonna be mad at her.
Oh, that's not the way she sees it.
I have made my peace with my God, sweetie. It's all cool in the pool.
But maybe there's another option.
There are none. As Dr. Randy says, "No good outcomes."
Why go through the horror of treatment if it's not gonna work?
No, no. She's not going through that again.
Listen to me.
You cannot give up. You have to keep fighting.
But this is how I win, sweetheart.
Besides, I don't want to go out fighting, I want to go out flying.
Maybe there's a new medicine that hasn't been invented yet.
You know, or... a garden that you haven't planted,
or a cave that you haven't spelunked, or--
What about Sting? You always wanted to make out with Sting.
Oh!
I'm pretty sure that Trudie will give you a special dispensation.
They do have an open marriage.
Maybe we can-- we can get him here in time.
How could you go along with this?
It's not my choice, but if-- if Babe wants to end her life tonight,
then, yes, I would help her...
I will help her do anything
that supports her decision.
-I'm in. -Oh, thank you.
You're a good friend.
Oh, and you have such soft breasts.
Oh, stop.
I'm sorry, Babe.
I love you dearly,
but this thing that you want to do, that you want me to support your doing
goes against everything that I believe.
I-- I can't be party to it.
OK. I get it.
I'll drop by later to say goodbye.
You gotta remind me,
'cause if I forget, I'll fuckin' kill myself.
Hey...
I think I'm starting to nail this gallows humor thing.
When did your granddaughter become Joe Pesci?
She must have heard it somewhere.
Where? At a cock fight?
I don't know, but kids repeat things they hear.
My mother would wash my mouth out with soap for every "hell" or "damn."
And Grace and I would dock the girls' allowances.
Though I don't think little David Mamet gets an allowance.
So how do you want to handle this?
- She didn't say it. - Oh, she said it.
No, it's impossible. We don't use that word in our house.
-You probably heard wrong. -Mm-mm.
What did we hear? "This friendly guy"?
-"This clucking guy"? -No.
OK.
All right.
Doc McStuffins was just about to fix a kitten.
OK. Madison, honey, when you were with Grandpa and Grandpa earlier,
-did you say the "F" word? -What's the "F" word?
Uh, it's a bad word. It starts with "F."
You know, "fu..." F-Fu...
Fallopian tube?
See? That's the worst word she knows. You are such a smarty pants.
Hey!
Oh, good girl!
I replaced it with a bag of sand like Indiana Jones.
She'll see through it, but I don't give a flap.
I can't tell you how much I appreciate your helping me.
If you ever decide you want to go out my way,
I'll try to come back and help out.
Unless I'm a caterpillar.
Or a right-wing conservative.
So you want to talk through tonight's timeline
so you know what's on the docket?
Let's do this. Let's get you dead.
Sorry. I overshot that one.
So, first,
there are the drugs which go in the pudding
which you have made and which I will eat myself.
And then I'll do the bag-on-the-head thing
and turn on this bad boy for insurance.
So what, are we gonna do it out here?
Al fresco?
No, in the bedroom.
And FYI, I'll be buck naked because I like the way my sheets feel.
You remember Skipper? My surfer pal?
-Oh, yeah. -No shirt. Marvelous sensual energy.
I remember his puffy drawstring pants.
Well, he's helping, too. He'll haul the tank into my bedroom.
Don't worry about the body.
Once I've left it, Skipper will take care of everything else.
What is it?
I'm scared.
Me, too.
I've never done anything like this before.
Me neither.
But I'm more scared of being a burden,
and being in pain, and of not being myself anymore.
I couldn't bear that.
My dear Frankie.
You are so precious to me.
I'm a very special person.
-OK, what do you say to Grandpa? -Thank you. Can I come back tomorrow?
Of course you can. Anytime, sweetheart.
She said it.
- Oh, like hell she did. - Wait, wait, wait.
Don't you leave here without giving a great big hug to your Grandpa Sol!
This fucking guy?
Go play! Go watch TV!
Oh, my God, she said it.
Oh, my God, she said it about me.
I'm "this fuckin' guy."
OK. OK. OK, here's what I think might have happened.
Um, this one time,
I might have referred to Sol as...
You know, in that way.
But it was right after you had your heart attack
and the whole thing with Frankie came out.
-Oh... -And I was really pissed.
OK, you both cheat on Mom and Frankie for years,
and then you go and you cheat on him.
And it's like, is that all that goes on with men?
They're just looking to cheat or just thinking about cheating?
I mean, cheat, cheat, cheat!
Does every fucking guy just cheat all the fucking time?
I forgot Madison.
You're really not going?
Nope. I'm watching Byamba pick up Big Joe by his diaper.
You are making my gorge rise.
Why? Because I'm not waving pom-poms for you and Babe?
You know I can't condone this.
She's not asking you to condone it.
She's asking you to be her friend and to be there for her.
No matter what you believe. Because that's what friends do.
-Not in my world. -Oh, right.
You only like people who do things you approve of.
No, because I have a high moral standard.
And because you're incapable of unconditional love.
I am a terrible mother.
I gave my daughter a potty mouth and now she's watched six hours of TV today.
-Great, can't wait to ruin the next two. -Honey, I'm no psychologist.
In fact, I've never been to one because I'm Irish,
but clearly something is going on here.
I don't know. I guess I'm just super hormonal or...
Wait, no. Why am I saying that?
I have a mind and it knows things, and you know what?
Mitch has been delivering a lot of night babies lately.
Isn't that his job?
OK, well, does he also work at the Apple Store?
Because he's been spending a lot of time there, too.
Does he not make appointments at the Genius Bar?
Because if you don't, it's a really long wait.
Sol.
OK, listen, you guys cheated for a long time. Right?
What are the signs? What do I look out for?
This is delicate, but is he any less amorous?
Yeah, but because we're not allowed to. Stupid babies.
And frankly, I'm not super confident in my blowjob--
No, no. Nope.
Is he suddenly going to a lot of medical conventions?
OK, that's where he is right now.
OK, now let's not jump to any conclusions here.
You know Mitch loves you, right?
The way you loved Mom?
Oh, Mallory.
I hate to see you feeling this way.
I am so sorry if my behavior
has had anything to do with your anxieties right now.
I promise you, not all men cheat.
I know.
And you have two more babies on the way. It's a very stressful time.
Oh, my God, I forgot there were two.
-Oh, jeez. -Oh.
Oh!
-Ahha! Ooh! -Babe, is it everything you wanted?
It's more, baby. It's more.
Ohh...
-Hello, my beauties. -Aah!
Young lady, may I have this dance?
As long as you make it dirty.
Skipper!
- Hello. - Hi, honey. It's me.
Mom? Is everything OK?
Every-- It's fine.
I just haven't talked to you in a few days and, um,
you know, I miss you.
Wait a minute, I'm not hearing the clinking of ice.
If you're not drinking, something must really be wrong.
Not at all. It's just a...
It's a really weird... evening.
And, uh, Babe's giving a party.
Why didn't you go?
No, I couldn't. I, um, I can't be there.
But... Frankie said something.
And you listened? Come on, Mom, she thinks that boomerangs have minds of their own.
When you were a kid, you felt loved, right?
I mean, you know, unconditionally. Huh?
Uh, well, no, Mom.
That's not really your strong suit.
-Oh. -But it makes sense.
You're not very unconditional with yourself.
I mean, I hope I didn't just offend you.
I-- This is not a national secret, right?
I guess not.
You OK?
It's getting to be time for the pudding, puddin'.
-OK, I'll be right back. -Where are you going?
I'm gonna get the pudding, puddin'.
Oh! Frankie.
Babe sent me to get the pudding
and now that I see it my body won't let me move.
Are you sure it's your body?
Whatever it is, it's cold on my breasts, it's a very bad waste of electricity,
not to mention I said I would help Babe and now I can't do it.
-I'm a terrible friend. -Don't say that.
If you had said to me what I said to you,
I'd be doing to you what you're supposed to be doing to Babe.
I do let things roll off my back.
Do you believe what Babe is doing is right?
-Yes. -Well, then, pick up the pudding,
hand me that leftover chicken salad, and get out of here.
I just want to thank you all for coming.
I'm so grateful to have so many wonderful people
from my life in the same room.
I mean, holy shit,
there's Baba Uday all the way from Tibet!
And there's beautiful Tina Marie all the way from the McMurdo Station
-in Antarctica. -I love you, Babe!
I love you too, Tina Marie.
Oh.
As I live and breathe, Grace Hanson is in the house.
Let's give her a hand.
And of course none of this could be happening tonight
without my dearest, my heart, Frankie.
You all mean so much to me.
You couldn't possibly imagine.
It's a little bit... overwhelming.
I love you all.
Now get the hell out of my house.
Babe...
Oopsie.
I don't know how to do this.
I'm gonna miss you, too.
Are you sure?
I mean, don't you have any hope that tomorrow will be a good day?
You never know. You know, a miracle could be right around the corner.
I don't need a miracle, sugar. I've had a really good ride.
I've lived it hard and well. With every breath, right?
Inhale peace, exhale joy.
Ah, it sounds like horse shit, I know,
but the fact of the matter is my cup runneth over.
What will we do without you?
You'll live.
By the way, where's my joke?
Oh, um...
I'll never forget what my grandfather said to me just before he died.
"Are you still holding the fucking ladder?"
You OK?