Remember this morning when our lives were approaching normal?
Vaguely.
I have a feeling I moved out of my house,
- had sex with Sol. - Yeah.
I still had a boyfriend.
Wow, it was an eventful ten hours.
Well, we're old. We have to pack a lot of shit into a day.
-I want a martini. -You say that a lot.
I mean it a lot.
Hey, wait! No, where are you going?
You have to wash the sand off your feet first.
Oh, God, Grace, we have so much more to wash off than sand.
Well, let's start with the sand.
-No, no, no! Drought, drought! -Oh.
You use this for the sand.
Is that my baby powder?
-It's our baby powder. -It's got my name on it.
So stop writing your name on our baby powder. Oh--
Hey, make a wish.
Good idea.
You too. Here, let me get one of your--
Yeah, no! No, you pull one and the whole strip comes off.
It's like pulling a thread, my whole face starts to unravel.
-But I wanted you to have a wish, too. -No, I'm fine.
Ow!
Think of it as an eyelash that grows out of your chin.
Oh, my God, it's huge!
How long has that been there?
How many times do I have to tell you? If you see something, say something.
I was going to, I wanted to, but I got attached to it.
You looked like a kitty.
-Oh. -Make a wish, Mittens.
So what'd you wish for?
I wished for a baby smooth chin.
-That's it? -Well, I couldn't think of anything else.
I mean, you were sitting there with your lips all pursed over your finger.
It was a lot of pressure.
Oh, what about that guy you were talking about?
You know, the guy that you sorta, kinda, mighta had a thing with?
Bill? Will. Gil. Alan.
Phil. No. Phil Milstein is not my wish.
He was... something else and that was a long time ago.
How about you? What's your wish?
Well, I was hoping you would ask.
Grace, today I wish to discover the real Frankie.
The Frankie without Sol.
I could be an entirely new person.
Maybe my fingerprints will change. Again.
- Maybe my voice will lower. - Hello, Grace.
-I've been working so-- -Shh. That's my wish.
Shh.
-Shh-- -No. Only I shush.
Robert?
Oh, God! Robert!
You know what else I could be without Sol?
Taller. And I will have a totally new fashion sense.
I'm not dressing for him anymore.
Oh. I didn't realize you were dressing for anyone.
- Don't enable him. - Oh, sweet mother of teenage Jesus,
-it's him. -Don't enable him.
I'm not jumping every time he calls.
Do me a favor, will ya? Put that on vibrate?
Absolutely not.
Then I might be inclined to enable him.
-Don't enable him. Don't enable him. -Oh, that's...
Sol, she doesn't want to talk.
Oh-- OK. We'll be right there.
No! We who? Not me.
Robert's had a heart attack.
Oh, come on.
Wait, do you think Sol told Robert about, you know, before?
-The candles, the bed sex? -I don't know, Frankie.
Do you think that's why Robert had the heart attack?
-Do you think I'm responsible? -I don't know, Frankie.
But I'm the one that told Sol he was a schmuck if he didn't tell Robert.
Oh, wow. Oh, you must feel horrible.
Dr. Gold, dial 2-1-1. Dr. Gold, dial 2-1-1.
Excuse me, the man in this bed said he was very thirsty.
-He can have ice chips. -When ice chips melt,
they become water, so why can't he have water?
He can have ice chips.
It's like talking to your mother.
Oh, God. Robert.
How is he?
- Stable. - How bad was it?
-They don't know. -Well, when are they gonna find out?
They have to do a test. He might need surgery.
- Oh, good Lord. - What happened?
I don't know. I walked in and he was face down on the kitchen table.
And you didn't say anything that could cause his face
to land on the kitchen table?
No. I came home to tell him, but I never had a chance.
Grace? Is that you, sweetheart?
-You didn't have to come. -Of course I did.
How you feeling?
I'm warm and fuzzy all over.
It's like I just came out of the dryer.
-Well, you're sedated. -And you're Frankie.
-Hi, Robert. -There's nothing to be afraid of, love.
Come in.
No, no.
She'll be right there.
Grace.
-He just saw you. You have to go in. -No, I don't think I can.
He's an-- He's an Irish lawyer, for God's sake.
He's like a human lie detector.
I can't go in there and face gay Matlock.
Robert asked for cats for dinner.
You'll be fine if you just take it down a notch.
No, you take it down a notch. You're not the boss of my notches.
OK, take it to any notch you want.
You want me to go in there and lie for you.
This isn't for me, it's for Robert.
OK.
Mm.
Hey, you. I'm here.
There she is.
Honestly, you didn't even have to come.
Of course I did. Why wouldn't I come?
What am I? A heartless monster...
...with no moral compass?
Forgive me. I...
It's Robert Hanson. Not Robert Handsome.
That's not a name for a person.
He had a heart attack, if you can search by that.
OK. I-- Now you just typed in "Bobert."
You did. That's-- What--
Oh, my God. Mallory, where the hell are you?
Right behind you. Hi.
How's Daddy? Does he need surgery? Is--
Still haven't taken him down for the test.
OK, so we can see him? Right?
Um, if she ever gives us his room number.
Room twenty-two-eighty-four.
-Thank you. -OK.
-Great. OK. -Not a people-person, are you?
I like that about you. Thank you.
Seriously, you were in bed at 7:15? That's how boring married life is?
It was family themed dinner. Tonight's like drama night.
-It was-- Never mind. -That's really sad. OK.
You ready for this?
Nope.
- Where's Sol? - He went to get some ice for you.
What time is it?
- I'm so glad you're here. - Is he OK?
-He's getting ready for a test. -OK.
-Hey. -Hey.
- Hi. - Daddy.
-Hi. -Are you OK? Can I get you anything?
-Are you in pain? -I'm fine.
I just want to get outta here.
I can't believe this happened. We were just at your house like an hour before.
It's nobody's fault! Stop blaming yourself!
Frankie, you need to find a way to calm down!
No, you're gonna have to find a way to calm down
about me not calming down.
What happened, Dad? Do you remember?
I was practicing my vows. Then I was in an ambulance.
Girls, girls, don't hover. He's gotta rest.
-OK. Mom. -I know.
They're gonna find out what's wrong and they're gonna fix it.
-Goodness. -What?
You're a little meatier.
I may have gained a little weight.
Well, you can take it off easily.
You've got my metabolism.
Did my mother just call my sister fat?
Just aside from my father almost dying, this is the best day of my life.
-Thank you. -Look what I've got!
There you are!
Hi. I'm here to take Mr. Handsome down for a heart, um...
-cathe-ziration? -Catheterization.
And you need to know the last time he ate was six hours ago, not eight.
Is-Is that gonna be a problem?
And, um, are there any potential risks involved with these tests?
-Hello? -Uh, Marcus Welby,
-you're talking to the orderly. -I-I know that! I'm--
I'm just trying to get answers.
You know, like, where are they gonna put the line?
In the groin or the wrist? 'Cause the wrist is way more dangerous.
- Where is the doctor? - Does anybody work here?
I'm sure she'll be here soon. I'm sorry, Mrs. Welby.
Grace, the ER doctor said they're gonna put the tube through his groin.
-Well, good. That's better. -Better for whom?
Don't worry, honey. It's going to be fine.
I'll give you $500, young man,
if you get 'em to put the tube in my wrist.
-Don't listen to him. -Don't pay any attention to him.
-Six hundred. -Come on, Chubs. Let's walk with them.
And we'll take little breaks so you don't get winded.
Are you OK?
Me? I'm fine. I'm fine.
-You're the one that-- -No. Shh-shh. Shh.
You're very Grace right now. I mean, there's a lot of Grace going on.
Well, that's better than lurking in the corner.
I mean, somebody's gotta be responsible.
OK, I vote for you. Go. Do something. Be responsible.
-I'm gonna go get us coffee. -All right.
-Calm down. -Oh, will you--
I will ask if they'll put ice cream in it.
-Hey, Dad. -Oh, hi.
-Robert, how are you? -They're gonna put a tube in my groin.
I thought that he had a heart attack.
-He's going for a test. -It's to see if he needs surgery.
Well, he's feisty.
That's a-- That's a good sign, right?
Yeah, if he's interviewing for a job as a girl reporter.
Whoa.
What?
-You clean up nice. -What'd I do?
-She was going on a date with-- -No one.
-No one named Barry. -Barry!
The guy we met at the movie theater?
The one that you're technically sexually harassing?
-Yes, that one. -Ooh.
Code blue, room 2235.
-Excuse me. -Code blue, room 2235.
Hey.
Your dad's gonna be OK.
Yeah.
Any way you can do this without breathing into my mouth?
Ow.
Mm.
Nacho taco caliente.
How do you do that? You're like a useless machine.
Kids, go home. There's no reason to stay all night.
He's right. We'll call you if something happens, huh?
You heard the man. Let's hit it.
Frankie? I think we really need to process.
Oh, boy. This could take a while. Go on.
I'll walk you down. Come on.
- I love you, Mama. - Love you.
- Good night. - Love you, Bud.
What?
It's just I haven't seen you since...
I want to make sure we're...
And on top of everything I can't believe I was so stupid.
That's what you want to process? Your stupidity?
It's just, I risked everything.
What was I thinking? I...
I really fucked up.
This was the fuck up?
Not your 20 year affair?
Not all the lies you told me?
One night with the woman you spent 40 years with
in the house where we raised our children?
That's the fuck up?
That's fucked up.
-Hi there. I'm Dr. Rossmore. -Hello.
Do you-- Do you-- Do you have the results of the test?
Yes, I do. Are you Mrs. Hanson?
No, I'm-- I'm his ex-wife. But I am the most competent person in the room.
-So you must be the wife. -No, no, I'm-- I'm his... ex-wife.
-But that is not how I define myself. -I'm the one you talk to.
I need to stop guessing. I never get it anymore.
It's OK. Everyone here is family. Now please, tell me what the test said.
We found some acute blockages in your arteries
-and you're gonna need a bypass. -A bypass?
- Yes. - Oh, dear.
I think it would be best if we did this as soon as possible
so we can probably get you into an OR in a few hours.
Oh, dear God.
You're gonna have to open up my chest?
No, we're gonna do an endoscopic bypass which has a much quicker recovery.
-We just go through the groin. -Why not?
Everyone else has been up in there today.
Just hang in there, everybody. Hopefully it won't be too long.
Thank you. Thank you.
I can't believe this is happening.
You want me to rub your face?
You want me to tie her down so she won't rub your face?
That's very sweet of both of you but what I'd really like right now
is to be alone with Sol, please.
They're going into my heart, Sol.
They're not taking a route I would have preferred.
-They're going to fix your heart. -Of course.
But the truth is, we don't know what's going to happen in that operating room.
Stop.
You have to go in with a positive attitude.
-Studies have shown-- -Listen. I'm not afraid of dying.
But I am afraid of dying
before I get a chance to marry you.
I've been waiting my whole life to be with you.
And I can't bear the thought of never getting a chance to marry--
We will get married.
But you'll be fully recovered, and we'll have all our friends and family there.
I want to get married here.
Today. Before the surgery.
-We can't. -Why not?
- I, uh... - "I, uh... I, uh..."
-What? -I don't have my dress!
We already have the marriage license,
and I'll bet there are plenty of chaplains around here.
I think your emotions are getting the better of you.
-From a man who knows. -From a man who knows.
You're going to deny a man with a bad heart
who's about to go under the knife?
My heart may not be strong right now...
but it knows what it wants.
And that, my love, is you.
-Fucknuts! -And he wants to do it before the surgery.
-Oh. -If he wants to get married,
let's get him married.
-But without telling him what happened? -Yes. Is there a problem?
Yes, there's a problem when he finds out the truth and I didn't tell him.
-Talk about going through your groin. -I can't do it.
- What? - What can't you do, Sol?
Uh... a thing. Nothing.
- Is this about the surgery? - No, it's just a thing.
-A nothing thing. -A thing you can't tell us.
-Yes. -Mom?
Robert wants to get married before the surgery and Sol is refusing to do it.
Because of the thing!
-What thing? -Holy shit, Sol,
my father is having his heart stopped.
If you know something that we need to know and you don't tell us right now,
I will reach in and stop yours with my bare hands.
Oh, cheese and rice!
-Kids, brace yourselves. -Frankie, I really don't think
you should bring the kids into this.
Your father and I... Well, Sol, to you two.
But I think if he marries Robert, he would like it if you'd call him Dad.
-Mom! -It's not gonna happen.
We slept together at the house. Robert does not know.
Whoa.
Oh, no. No, no, no. No.
-You slept together? -Heterosexually?
This is gonna sound weird coming from me,
but that shows very poor judgment, Mom.
You're right. But it was great.
No, not the sex. The sex was... meh.
-Eh. -Stop!
But it was good because now there can be closure.
Well, it was good for me.
This one thinks he made a huge mistake.
-Gigantic. -So now there's a new secret?
Which is exactly why I shouldn't marry him right now.
Yeah, but what is he gonna think if you don't?
He doesn't need to know why. Yet.
Couldn't I just tell him I couldn't find the marriage license?
Or-- Or there were no chaplains available?
Yea-- No. No. And stop making this about you.
This is not about you anymore, Sol.
-He is sick. -I know.
The most important thing is to get him through this.
I know.
I love him, too.
Then marry him.
-OK. Although-- -Stop it.
- OK. - All right.
We have work to do. Our venue is not exactly ideal.
We need some festive, cheery things.
Mal, you take charge.
-Why her? -I said "cheery."
And you would find things that look like scrotum.
-They follow me everywhere. -Why are you guys still standing here?
-OK. -Go. Go.
And you go home and get something to wear besides that Hawaiian shirt abomination.
And I'll grab the marriage license.
And we're gonna go get someone to officiate.
-We will? -We will. Yeah.
Go! Come!
-I really wish I could help you. -Well, don't wish. Do. Father.
I can't. I'm a Catholic priest.
I just can't join two men in holy matrimony.
There's no, like, leeway? Even with this new pope?
-Yeah. -I mean, he really seems
to be shaking shit up.
Oh, Christ.
We have to leave and change our names and numbers and get out of town.
-Like, forever. -I have children.
-Well, I have a dog. -I have nothing.
I have a major urge to drink cough syrup.
OK, can we just do the job we were assigned?
Happy wedding decorations.
-OK, Fatty. -OK, would you stop?
I'm not fat.
I'm pregnant.
- With twins. - Whoa!
-Nice! -Congratulations!
-Yeah. Yeah. -Great! Amazing!
- Yeah. - Mal, are you crazy?
You already have two kids. That's like four kids.
Yeah. OK, you guys, can you please not say anything?
- Not with everything going on. - Yeah.
- Yes. - Yeah.
-OK. -Yeah, of course.
-I can hardly get my arms around you. -Oh. So loving.
Sorry. I got excited. I thought you might be fat.
-Do you have any issues marrying two men? -No. Of course not.
I am in complete support of gay marriage.
Thank you, Rabbi.
Now let's fill out some of this form so as not to have your loved one
worry about anything but healing.
And who are these two men?
-They're-- -No. No. Let me handle it.
-OK. -Talk to me.
She likes to be in charge of answering questions.
Yeah. I do like that.
Oh. OK.
Uh, well, let's start with their-- their Hebrew names.
-The... -Hebrew names.
- Sol's Sol Bergstein. - His Hebrew name is...
-Shlomo. -Shlomo.
-And the other gentleman? -Uh... He's been circumcised.
-I assumed. His name? -His Hebrew name.
Robert Hummel.
OK. Uh...
That's not a... a Hebrew name.
That's not a name.
-He's not Jewish, is he? -Well, what does it matter?
I mean, you said you'd marry two men and they're both men.
Let's go! Do this!
I'm so sorry. I don't do interfaith marriages.
Are you fucking kidding me?
Why not? You're supposed to be so lefty and progressive.
Well, ma'am, I became a rabbi
-for three reasons-- -I don't care why you became a rabbi.
I care about you marrying our husbands.
I understand that this is a disappointment for you and--
Yes, it is a disappointment.
And you know why? Because you're being stubborn and unreasonable.
And by the way, the Lord does not like stubborn and unreasonable.
-Grace, take it down. -I understand you're having a hard time.
-I am not having a hard time! -You are yelling at a rabbi.
Well, because there's a sick WASP upstairs
that needs to marry the Jewish one.
And it's-- it's not like I asked you to marry Jesus!
God-- Grace. Grace, OK.
Why is this so important to you?
This man ruined your life.
-Why are you so eager to get him married? -Well, I...
I don't want him to die.
When he first told me about Sol, I was so angry.
I said-- Oh, God.
It would have been easier if he died.
-You actually said it? -Yeah.
I just thought it and felt guilty about that.
I'm scared for him, Frankie. And there's nothing I can do.
Yes, there is. We'll find a way to do this wedding.
How? I've pissed off all the clergy people in this hospital.
Well, let's think about it, then.
We can find a patient who can help us.
Maybe a judge who's having hernia surgery.
God. Yeah, that'll be easy to find.
OK, OK. Well, we could-- we could find someone online.
And you know who? You!
-What? No. No. No! -Yeah. Not no! Yes!
-You're ordained! -No. By the Internet.
I don't even know that the Universal Life Church is a real thing.
-It could be a cult. -You married your cousin Donald, right?
To his kidney donor. That was real. Come on, Frankie!
Oh, no. Stop.
I don't even want to go to their wedding.
-Why would I want to perform it? -Because you're the last option.
Grace, I can't even look Robert in the eye.
So look at Sol!
He's the whole reason I don't want to do it.
-I was at his last wedding. -Yeah. OK. OK. OK.
Think about this. Maybe, just maybe, by giving this to Robert,
you're gonna be making up for some of the wrong you did him.
And maybe... that'll help you get some of your power back.
And it'll help you move forward.
OK.
-I taught you well, Grace Hanson. -Right?
Yeah, I did. I did.
-That's good. -Thank you.
Oh.
A bouquet that doubles as hors d'oeuvres.
- Nice. - I'm here. I'm here.
I don't have the right incense,
but I can't light a match around the oxygen anyway.
-Robert wants to see you. -Me?
-Yes. You, Grace. -Oh.
You OK?
-How are you? -Honestly?
-I'm scared. -Yeah, I know.
Grace, if something should happen to me--
No. No. Nothing's gonna happen to you.
We don't know that. And there are a few things we should talk about.
No. We are not having this conversation.
-Excuse me? -No, because you're not gonna die.
And you know why? Because I am not gonna let you.
You are not getting off the hook that easy, mister.
First, I wasn't allowed to get angry with you 'cause you're gay.
Now I'm not allowed to 'cause you're sick.
And I have 40 years of anger built up.
And it would be really shitty if you died before I get a chance
to say everything that I need to say to you.
-OK. OK. -OK?
OK. Good.
Last year, when-- when I said...
I didn't mean it.
I know that.
Hello, witnesses. Beloved strangers.
I'd like everyone to hum.
A low hum.
Now sway.
We are here to join my ex-husband with her ex-husband
because they deeply and truly love each other.
And as infuriating as that is...
it's surprisingly beautiful.
There you are.
This is nice.
-It's time to go. -Don't touch that bed!
-Frankie, get moving. Speed it up. -I've got it, just the meat.
Robert, do you happily make the decision with an open heart--
Don't say "open heart."
...a full heart to join your lives,
to fulfill your dreams,
to embrace adventures and create memories together?
I most certainly do.
And do you, Sol, happily make the decision
with a full heart...
to join your lives, to fulfill your dreams,
to embrace adventures and create memories together?
I do.
OK then.
By the power vested in me by the magic of the world wide web,
I now pronounce you... married.
-Now you can go. -Awesome.
Dad.
-You did good, Frankie. -I did, didn't I?
-Yeah, you were strong. -I know.
And you didn't think you could.
How'd you do it?
Well, I pushed my feelings down and I built a stone wall around them.
Basically, I channeled you.
Well, you're welcome.
- Would you channel me a martini? - Probably can be arranged.