cdatcdat ♪
cdat All right, so what do you got, Dadcdatcdat
There have been a lot of computer breaches latelyt
- ( coughing ) - Dad, you good?cdat
Yeah, I'm fine. Anyway...cdat
Noah Stone, one of the most brilliant hackers..t
( coughing )cdat
( spits )cdat
Oh, my.cdatt
Yeah, you're fine.cdat
Would you like me to get you some toast for that lung butter?cdat
I said I'm fine, okay?cdat
Anyway, the Organization has traced Noahcdat
to just outside Fargot
You and I are going there to bring that hacker in...cdt
Yeah, why go get him when we got a hacker right heret
Dad, obviously you're sick.ct
No, I'm not. I'm perfectly...cdat
achy and tired.cdat
My throat is scratchy.cdat
I think I'm getting sick.cdat
Really? What was your first clue?cdat
Was it the chills, the fever,cdat
me telling you over and over that you're sick?cdt
cdat I can handle the mission on my ownt
No, that's not a good idea, KC.cdat
Will you stop treating me like a child?cdat
I can handle it.cdat
Besides, how hard can it be to take down some computer geekt
Excuse me?!cdat
Computer geeks can be extremely dangerous.cdat
cdat Look at me.cdat
Yeah, you're right. You can handle this on your ownt
I trust you completely.cdat
I'm gonna hold off on that hug.cdat
I wanna catch a bad guy, not a bad cold. All right.cdt
cdat ♪ Oh, when danger comes for you ♪cdat
♪ You know I'll stand beside you ♪cdat
♪ 'Cause ain't nobody keep things hustle cool ♪cdat
♪ I'll always find a way, a way out of the fire ♪cdat
cdat ♪ Don't tell nobody, tell nobody ♪cdat
cdat ♪ I'm not perfect ♪cdat
♪ So many things I wanna tell you ♪cdat
cdat ♪ But I, I, I, I keep it undercover ♪cdat
cdat ♪ Livin' my life, no way to learn ♪cdat
♪ Doin' my thing, gonna make it work ♪cdat
♪ Know I'm the realest, baby, I'm fearless ♪cdat
♪ But I always got your back ♪cdat
♪ Nobody can do it like I can ♪cdat
♪ I gotta find out who I am ♪cdat
♪ Ain't got to worry about me ♪cdat
♪ It's all part of the plan ♪cdat
I keep it undercover.cdat
cdatcdat Noah Stone?cdat
Maybe. Who are you?cdat
I am your worst nightmare.cdat
You're a high school Spanish classcdat
I forgot to go to all semester,cdat
and suddenly there's a big test,cdat
and I'm not wearing any pants but I am wearing my grandmother's girdle?ct
Hey, computer hacker, you don't really talk to a lot of real people, do you?cdt
No. No, I do nott
Well, I'm taking you into custody.cdat
- Oh... - Gotcha!cdat
I'm taking you into custodyt
Uh, excuse me. Who are you?cdat
Pinky Carter, professional bounty hunter.cdt
( scoffs )cdat
Okay, you're a bounty hunter?cdat
Yes, a bounty hunter.cdat
A bounty hunter is someone who goes after bad guys for money.t
cdaDo you want me to explain what money is?cdat
Okay, you keep up that attitude,cdat
I'll explain what a sock full of quarters is like to your kneecaps.cdat
I don't know how you reckon things down yonder,ct
but he's mine, okay? I got him first, so take a walk, sister.cdat
If I'm takin' a walk, guess I'm walkin' with yout
- He's mine. - No, he's mine.cdat
I never thought two women would be fighting over me.cdt
I'm sure no one did. Now let's go.cdat
Ooh. Sounds like she means business.cdat
I guess you have no choice. Uncuff me.cdat
Look, there's a reward on his head,cdat
and if I don't bring him in, I ain't gettin' paid.cdat
( laughs ) If you let me out of these cuffs,cdat
I can hack into a bank and wire you all the money you want.cdt
Win-win!cdat
Look, you're not getting it, okay?cdat
I am from a government agency,cdat
which means I outrank you. Do you understand?cdat
I don't understandt
I'm just a dumb hayseed from the sticks.cdat
Maybe you should remove your handcuffs from my prisonert
cdat and draw me a picturet
You know, I am a great artist.cdat
If you let me out of these cuffs,cdat
I can show you. You like caricatures?cdat
I can draw you in a teeny, tiny car.cdat
Last chance, okay? Back off, Backwoods Barbie.cdat
Wow, you're like the pimple I had on my forehead last weekt
You just won't go awayt
Really? Was it that one or was it that one?cdat
- Oh, you just get outta here. - You get outta here.cdat
( arguing )cdat
( falsetto voice ) I say we let him go.cdat
cdatcdat Okay, for your next assignmentt
you'll be pairing off as married couples.ct
You'll be learning to balance a budgett
raise a family, and get through important life events.t
So everybody pick a partnert
Hey, do you...cdat
Hey, do...cdat
cdatcdat I always knew we'd end up together.cdat
cdat Um, excuse me, Mrs. Greenfield.cdat
Is one of life's important eventscdat
learning to love again after your fiancécdat
tragically dies before this assignment begins?cdat
Not if you wanna pass this class.cdat
cdat I was thinking somewhere romantic for the honeymoont
like the Lord of the Rings Hobbit Hotel.cdat
cdatcdat Well, you know you're in a real fleabag motelcdat
if the hotel desk clerk doesn't bat an eyecdat
when three handcuffed people check in tocdat
a double occupancy room.cdat
Yeah, I just saw a rat crawl under the bed,cdat
so technically, there's four of us here.cdat
I don't know what we're doin' here.cdatt
No matter who gets the credit, we gotta get this guy to D.C.ct
Nighttime's the best time to move.cdat
We can't move if we can't move our feet.cdat
We're exhausted, so we're spending the night here.cdat
Or... you guys can get some rest,cdat
I'll get a head start,cdat
we can all meet up in an outlet mall in Secaucus, New Jersey,ct
where you can get a great dealcdat
on hardly irregular items, and I'll stop talking.cdat
All right, guys, first things first.cdatcdat
We need to get something to eat.cdat
There's a convenience store 20 miles away.cdat
That's not convenient at all!cdat
cdat What are we gonna do? I'm starving.cdat
Me, too.cdat
cdat You brought your own food?cdatcdat
I know I'm not very bright,cdat
on account of you explaining that to me,cdat
but I'm smart enough to know I like to eat.cdat
cdatcdat Ooh, still hot.cdat
Is that tomato?cdat
Yeah, made from freshly picked tomatoes right from my own garden.cdat
cdat Do I detect a hint of basil?cdatcdat
Also from my own gardent
cdat Um, can I, uh,cdat
please have some of that?cdat
Sorry, city slicker.ct
Only enough for me and the prisonert
cdatcdat - I feel bad eatin' in front of you. - Thank you.cdat
So you unlock yourself and go get you something.ct
We'll wait right heret
You know what? I'm fine.cdat
I have been trained to go days without eating.cdat
cdat ( stomach growling loudly )cdatt
Okay, I have been trained, but my stomach hasn't.cdat
Please just give me a little bite, guys.cdatct
cdatcdat Here you go, honey.cdat
I need my other blanket. This one's scratchy.cdat
At least you get a blanket.cdat
I sleep in a box.cdat
- Here you go, sweetheart. - Thank you.cdatcdat
Why can't he do anything for himself?cdat
He's sick.cdat
What kind of sickness turns a grown mancdat
- into a baby? - Every kind.cdat
But he is my husband in sickness and in health.cdt
cdat And he'd do it for me, so it's all good.cdat
Sweetheart, would you get me some soup?cdat
Sure, baby. I'll go heat some up for you.cdt
Oh, canned soup?cdat
I was hoping for my mama's make-you-feel-better soup.cdt
Are you suggestingcdat
that I call your mother,cdat
get the recipe,cdat
go to the store, buy all the ingredients,cdat
and spend the next three hourscdat
making you soup?cdat
I would do it myself, but I'm just...cdat
( coughing ) so sick.cdat
All right, fine. I'll make your mama's soup.cdt
Thank you. And sweetheart, before you go.cdat
- Uh-huh? - Am I hot?cdat
No, honey, you definitely ain't hot.cdat
cdatcdat Ooh, I am tired.cdat
If I don't get my eight hours, I am no good.ct
You're wanted in all 50 states.cdat
We know you're no good.cdat
Besides, the second we fall asleep, you're gonna try to escape.cdatt
That's not true.cdat
I'd wait ten minutes at least, just to be sure.cdat
Wait. You insist that we check into a motelcdat
so we don't get a good night's sleept
I'm just learning so much from you, professional.ct
Calling me professional is not an insult.cdat
It's just accurate.cdat
Now we are not gonna sleep.cdatt
We're just gonna get some rest, all right?cdat
- Ow! - Oh, sorry.cdat
Other way. Ow!cdat
Okay, this is nuts. We gotta do this together.cdt
On three. One, two, three.cdat
cdat Scooch.cdat
cdat - I need to be on the right or-- - For reals?cdat
I'll never get to sleep.cdat
How are we gonna do that?cdat
Lift your leg, I'll go under.cdat
KC: Watch the arm.cdat
Like that.cdat
Okay, that's good.cdat
- I need to be on my stomach. - Are you serious?cdatcdt
cdat This is ridiculous.cdat
That's my arm, that's my armt
cdatcdat - Yeah, I meant the left. - KC: Hey!cdat
No more movingt
cdat ( gunfire )cdat
( shrieking )cdat
cdat - What was that? - Laser fire.cdatcdat
Let me put that in a way you might understand.cdat
Pew, pew. Pew, pew, pew, pew, pew.cdat
I know what a laser is.cdat
I meant who's shootin' at us and why?cdat
Probably the guy who hired me to hack the security systemcdt
I didn't hack because you caught me.cdat
You know what? We need to go to the bathroom.ct
Oh, really? Is now the best time to try to figure that out?t
MAN: We know you're in there, Noah.cdat
Come out or we're coming in.cdat
So much for the do not disturb sign. Let's go.cdat
cdat Is now a bad time to mention I'm afraid of heights?cdatt
I'm just kidding. I know it's a bad time.cdat
Don't worry. We're not gonna be up here very long.cdat
We're jumping.cdat
Jumpin'? And you think I'm the dumb one?cdat
It's our only chance, okay? We go on three.cdat
Thousand. We go on 3,000.t
- One... - Let's talk about this.cdat
- Two. - Please stop counting.cdat
- BOTH: Three. - ( screaming )cdat
cdatcdat ( scream echoing )cdat
Okay, on our butts.cdat
cdat - Now what? - We run.cdat
( screaming )cdat
BOTH: We'll go your way.cdat
( screaming )cdat
It's all right. I'm just a computer guy.cdat
It's not like I need my hands.cdat
Do you get paid extra for bringing him in in one piece?ct
- No. - Good to know.cdat
Let's got
cdat Let's take a look at our marital profilet
Okay, it says here I'm a court stenographet
making $53,000 a year.cdat
You're a dental hygienist making $42,000 a year.cdt
cdat Uh, yeah, no.cdat
No, see, that can't be right,cdatcdat
because I would never have a job making less money than you,cdat
or touching people's filthy mouths.cdat
cdat In fact, I don't want a job.cdatcdat
I see myself as a wealthy philanthropistcdat
who entertains dignitaries on her yacht.cdat
And I see myself passing this classt
One of our dreams could actually come truet
So pick a place to livet
I suggest we get a starter home in the suburbs.ct
Or we'd save lots of money by living with my parentst
- and buying an even nicer house. - Ew! No way!cdat
Why not? You practically live here alreadyt
You are so controlling.cdat
I never should have married you.cdat
You think you're a bed of roses?t
I don't even know you anymoret
Will you two stop it?cdatct
You wanna know how to make a relationship work?cdat
Just look at Craig and Kira.cdat
I spent five hours making his mama's dang soup.ct
cdat He doesn't like it.cdat
Now he wants me to heat up a cancdat
like I wanted to do in the first place.cdat
That man is driving me crazy!ct
CRAIG: Hurry, Kira. I think I'm dying.cdatcdt
I should be so lucky.cdat
cdatcdat Okay, this is the saddest marionette show I've ever seen.t
cdat Look, Annie Oakley,cdatcdt
I hate to interrupt your whittlin',cdat
but those guys are long gone, so we should keep going.cdat
Oh, reallyt
Because I grew up huntin't
and I think they're just waitin' for us to come out in the opencdat
so they can pick us off like a six-point buck.t
Here's another point. That's disgusting.cdat
You shouldn't be bragging about hunting defenseless animals.cdat
Yeah, she's right. Hunting is gross.cdat
Would you prefer us gettin' caughtcdat
and taken out by your bosst
I don't know about you, but I'd rather be the hunter than the hunted.cdat
On the other hand, hunting can be kinda cool.cdt
Look, we need to move.cdat
We gotta find somewhere to sleep tonight.cdat
I already got onet
I'm buildin' a lean-to.ct
cdat I guess a lean-to will work.cdatcdat
cdat Oh, sorry, Miss High and Mighty.t
It's a lean two, not a lean threet
cdatcdat Whatever happened to southern hospitality?cdat
Just gonna leave me out here high and dry.cdatt
( thunder rumbles, rain falling )cdat
I said high and dry! Get over!cdatcdat
Sorry. No room at the inn. Get outt
There would be plenty of room if you shut your big mouth!cdat
cdat Would you both shush? I think I heard something.cdt
Probably just a crittert
MAN: I see footprints. I think they're over there in that lean-to.cdat
I'm outta here. I'd invite you two to join me,ct
but you know what, you don't really have a choice, do you?cdat
cdatcdat ( coughing )cdat
Guess all I needed was a good night's rest.cdat
I feel great.cdat
What you doing, napping in the morning?cdat
I don't feel good.cdat
Buck up, you're fine.cdat
But I'm not.cdat
My throat's all scratchy, I feel achy.cdat
I think I need some tea.cdat
That's a good idea. I'm going out for a run.cdat
cdat I'm sure he's just running out to get you some tissues.cdat
And by the way, I hate to pile oncdat
but it's "well."cdat
You don't feel well.cdat
cdatcdat - NOAH: Oh, wait, that's my boss' car. - KC: That hunk of junk?cdat
I guess they're right when they say crime really doesn't pay.cdat
Hopefully, he doesn't mind if we borrow it,cdat
'cause fortunately, my bracelet has lock-picking capabilities.cdat
- Stand back. - You stand back.cdat
cdat Fortunately, my brain has "opening an unlocked door" capability.cdat
cdat Who's gonna drive?cdat
- BOTH: I will. - ( gunfire )cdat
On second thought, you drive. Let's go. Move it.cdat
Move it, move it, move it!cdat
cdatcdat ( sneezes )cdat
cdat Sorry.cdatcdat
Okay, look, this has all been really fun and everything,cdatcdat
but you should know that when we get to D.C.,cdat
I need to be the one to take him in.cdat
Sorry. I can't let you do that, KC.cdat
My dad is countin' on me.cdat
What are you talking about?cdt
The thing is, my daddy and my mamacdat
and my little brother and sister,cdat
we're all bounty hunters.cdat
Takin' down bad guys is sorta like our family business.cdat
Wait. So you work with your family to take down bad guys?ct
- Mm-hmm. - That's weird.cdat
You know, I think it's really sweetcdat
that you two are bonding,cdat
but I haven't slept in three days,cdat
Can we pull over so I can take a nap, please?cdat
( yawning ) Okay. Okay, fine.cdat
But we have to all promise that none of us are gonna try to escape.cdat
cdat Okay? So pinky swear, Pinky?cdat
Or Pinky, do you swear?cdat
I know I was swearin' a lot when you first showed up.cdat
Oh, just give me your pinky, Pinky.cdat
cdat I'm sick of arguing with you over everything.cdat
Can we just decide how many kids we're having?cdat
I'm thinking four.cdat
That seems like a nightmare.cdat
For the kids.cdat
Seriously? Four kidst
There is no way I am having four kids.cdat
When would I find the time to hire and managecdat
all of those nannies?cdat
No nannies.cdat
I wanna be a stay-at-home dad.cdat
You expect me to support this familycdat
on a dental hygienist's salary?!cdat
Forget it.cdat
Come on. I really wanna hearcdat
the pitter-patter of little feet.cdat
Get a dog.cdat
Fine. But if we don't have kids,cdatcdat
then what do we do with the $200,000cdat
saved in the college fund?cdt
We saved $200,000t
cdat We're millionairest
Yeah, I don't think you're gonna have to worrycdt
about your kids going to college.cdat
cdatcdat Oh, sorry. For a second, I forgot...cdat
That I wasn't handcuffed to anybody!cdatt
Dang it! Cannot believe I got dupedcdt
by that bumpkin spice latte.ct
cdatcdat So as you can seet
my husband Ernestt
a very well-respected court stenographer, and I,cdat
cdat have decided not to have any children.cdat
And that dramatically increased our disposable incomet
cdat I can now afford a fancy sports car.cdat
cdat And we purchased a second home.ct
A ski house in Vermont.ct
That way, we never have to actually see each other.cdat
Which makes me think this marriage can last forever.t
cdat But you didn't do the assignment.cdatcdat
You were supposed to balance a budget for a family.cdat
( both laughing )cdat
This isn't the oldie days, Mrs. Greenfield.cdat
Right. You can be a family without having any kids.cdat
cdat Welcome to 2016.cdat
I guess you guys kinda do make a point.cdat
All right. I am giving Marisa and Ernie an "A."cdat
cdat You know, we make a really good team...cdatcdat
Mrs. Cooper.cdat
Uh, nah.cdat
cdatcdat See? This is why I don't go outside.cdat
This never would've happened inside my parents' basement.cdat
We're trappedt
I don't see any way out of this, short of a miracle.cdat
Aw, did you just call me a miracle?cdat
I always knew deep down, you admired me.cdat
If I didn't before, I sure do now. Help us.cdat
Oh, I would love to,cdat
right after I secure my prisoner.cdat
cdat Great. We're all back together.cdatcdat
cdatcdat Yeah, he's not firing back.cdat
- I think I scared him off. - Think again.cdat
cdatcdat I hope you'll still give me a good recommendation.cdat
I get all my work on referrals.cdat
cdatcdat Aw, come on! What did I do to deserve this?cdat
Hacked a bunch of computerst
Stole sensitive information.cdat
Sold secrets to the highest biddert
But you know what. Don't beat yourself up.cdat
cdatcdat Hey, Kira, how you doing?cdat
Leave me alone.cdat
What's wrong?cdat
You know, you get sick, and I took care of you.cdat
But the moment I don't feel well,cdat
then you just disappear and run out the door.cdat
cdat Oh, really?cdatt
Well, for your information, I just went and got youcdat
your favorite Chinese hot and sour soup.cdt
cdat You mean, you went all the way across towncdat
to bring me my favorite Chinese soup?cdat
I knew it always makes you feel better.t
- Aw, Craig. You're the best. - Oh!cdat
cdat - Honey, I'm sorry I misjudged you. - It happens.cdat
I'd give you a big kiss, but I don't wanna make you sick again.cdat
( shudders t
cdatcdat Where are you going? You just got home.cdat
Back to the Chinese place.cdt
Kira took my soup.cdat
cdatcdat Well, that's the buildint
where we're supposed to hand over this clownt
Oh, clown.cdat
You have a cute little nickname for me and everything.t
What do you say we rethink this wholecdat
takin' me to jail business?cdt
Oh, zip it.cdat
Well, go on. Take him in.cdat
Me?!cdat
Yeah, you.cdat
I mean, you deserve it.cdat
I gotta admit, you outsmarted me at every turnt
Yeah, then you saved my hide.cdat
If it weren't for you, I wouldn't be herecdat
to accept the bounty. He's all yours.cdat
Really, I think you should take him in.cdat
- No, you take him in. - You do it.cdat
cdat First one to find him takes him in.cdat
You're on.cdat