cdatcdat ♪
cdat Okay, KC, the smuggler we're looking forcdatcdat
visits his grandfather at this senior center.cdat
He only comes once a week, so this is your only chance to get that tracker on him.cdt
Don't mess this up.cdat
KC: I know, OK.cdat
Ernie, will you stop reminding me!cdat
It's gettin' old.cdat
cdatcdat Hey! How ya doin'? Bernie Burns.cdat
Only two things visible from space, all right?cdat
The Great Wall of China and that ugly shirt!cdat
Ay! Oh!cdat
You just got burned by Bernie Burns!cdat
Oh, man. Look at these twot
More wrinkles than a box of raisins. Ay! Oh!t
cdat Burned by the Burnster!cdatt
Hey! Bernie Burns here. I used to be a nightclub comedian.ct
You know what happened when I played Atlantic City?ct
Everyone left and went to Vegas. Ay! Oh!cdat
I just burned myself. Nobody's off-limits!cdatcdt
( theme music playing )cdat
♪ Oh, when danger comes for you ♪cdat
♪ You know I'll stand beside you ♪cdat
♪ 'Cause ain't nobody keep their heads so cool ♪ct
♪ I'll always find a way ♪ct
♪ A way out of the fire ♪cdt
♪ But don't tell nobody, tell nobody ♪cdat
♪ I'm not perfect ♪cdat
♪ So many things I wanna tell you ♪cdat
cdat ♪ But I ♪cdat
♪ I keep it undercover! ♪cdt
♪ Living my life on red alert ♪t
♪ Doing my thing, I'll make it work ♪cdat
♪ Know I'm the realest, baby, I'm fearless ♪cdat
♪ But I always got your back t
♪ Nobody can do it like I can ♪t
♪ I gotta find out who I am ♪t
♪ Ain't got to worry about me ♪t
♪ It's all part of the plan ♪t
♪ I keep it undercover ♪cdt
cdat ( indistinct chatter )cdatt
Hey, Grandpa.cdat
cdatcdErnie, I've got eyes on the target.cdat
I'm gonna make contact and get the tracker on him.cdt
Hey, is that who I think it is?cdatcdat
Look at you. I remember when you were just a little whipper snapper.cdat
Now you're a big snapper, huh!ct
What, you don't remember me?cdat
I got your nose.cdat
Now you remember me? Give your Uncle Bernie a hug.ct
You-- you must think I'm someone else.cdt
Well, I mean, I'm old and confused.cdat
So give me some sugar. But not too much, I got blood work on Tuesday.cdat
Would you just please leave me alone?cdat
cdat Oh, Dolores, I think we got a live one heret
Ooh, check out that orange velour.cdat
Who is that hunka-hunka?cdat
I'm not who you think I amt
Hey, neither was my first wife. I thought she was sweet.cdat
She thought I was rich. We were both wrong.cdat
At least that's what I told the lawyers! Ay! Oh!cdat
Oh, be still my beating heart.ct
But not too still.t
I don't want them to have to get the paddles againt
I'm Irma. Who are yout
Now is not really a good time, lady, all right?cdt
( stutters ) I think you got me mixed up with somebody else.cdat
cdat I ain't no lady.cdat
KC: OK!cdat
ERNIE: He's gone.cdatcdat
I don't mean to be an "Ay! Oh!"t
but thanks to you, we gotta wait a whole week.cdt
It wasn't my fault.cdat
Playing hard to get, huh?cdat
I like that.cdat
Look, lady, all rightt
You're just not my typet
Type? Who's got a type at this age?cdat
Besides breathing and upright.cdat
And I'm negotiable on the upright partt
cdat Look, make like my dentures,cdat
and get out of my face!cdat
You, sir, are rude, crude and obnoxioust
You remind me of my late husband, Mortyt
How about a cup of coffee? Decaf, of course.cdat
OK. Turn up your hearing aid, Grandma! OK?ct
Not gonna happen!cdat
Fine. Never mind.t
( sighs ) I'll just go back to my..t
lonely apartment and..t
sit all alone,cdat
look up at my Morty's picture..t
and wait for my next date..t
with the Grim Reapert
And I hope he comes a-calling real soon.cdatcdat
( crying )cdat
cdatcdat You didn't let me finish.cdat
cdat I don't like coffee, but I do like tea.cdatcdat
How's tomorrow afternoon?cdat
Ooh, sounds like a datet
Ooh!cdat
cdatcdat It sure does.cdat
cdatcdat ( video game sounds ) Hey, Petey.cdat
Make yourself at home. Your home.cdat
cdat If you don't like me, why do you invite me over?cdt
I didn't. You came through the cat door.cdat
Which is weird, because you don't even have a cat.cdat
We were hoping to attract one.t
But instead, we got you.cdat
Game over! Go home, Petey!t
Fine.cdat
Hey!cdat
What do you think you're doing?cdat
How would you like it if someone came to your homt
and threw you on the floort
Please, it's just a stupid machine.cdat
cdat What. Did. You. Say?cdt
cdat I said it's just a stupid machine.cdt
cdat I apologize for Petey's behavior.cdatct
You hear about discrimination,t
but you never expect to see it under your own roof.t
cdatcdat So the food bank was thrilled with my ideacdat
to throw a school dance fundraiser.t
I know you're going to raise money, raise awareness,cdt
and raise the roof.cdat
Ha! See what I did there?cdat
Yeah, I saw it, and I'm ignoring itt
All right, so what do you need me to do? Um...cdat
cdat Ooh, get you a DJ? Did it.cdt
How about the gym? Did it.cdat
Make posters? Did it.cdat
Ooh, make an awesome playlist?ct
Dear Lord, no.cdat
I took care of everything. All you have to docdatcdat
is show up, support me, and dance your butt offt
OK, well, I will definitely show up and support,cdat
but I do not dance.cdat
Oh, snap. Uh, you know what? I actually gotta go. I have a date.cdatcdat
A date? Oh, yay! Tell me about him. What's his namet
cdat Irma.cdatcdat
Irma? What's his first namet
That is his first name. Well, it's her first name.cdat
cdat Wow, just when you think you know your best friend's typet
She's eighty!cdat
Again, just when you think you know your best friend's typet
cdat What do you guys talk about?cdatcdt
Her childhood memories of Abraham Lincoln?cdt
Marisa, stop it, OK? Look...cdat
I met her while I was undercover as an old man.cdat
So, I'm just having teacdat
with a nice, lonely lady,cdat
so I don't hurt her feelings.cdat
OK, but you're now rolling with an older crowd.cdat
So, do not let her pressure you into doing something that you don't want to do.t
Like watching the weather networkt
or doing water aerobicst
or getting a pacemakert
cdatcdat When you see the waitress,cdt
ask her if I could have another cup of tea.cdat
OK, look, lady.cdat
There's no free refills, and I'm on a fixed income.cdat
Bernie, I'm having such a good time.ct
You put the twinkle back in my eyes.cdt
You sure that's not just the cataracts?cdat
( both laugh )cdat
Bernie, you are a riott
And I should know. I've lived through seven of them.cdat
cdat Oh, there's the jukeboxt
Bernie, dance with met
Oh, no, no, no, no. I do not dance.cdat
Oh, don't be silly. Everybody dances.ct
Nope. Not me. I'm just, uh, no good.cdat
You ever seen a seal begging for fish? ( imitates seal )cdat
He stole my best move.cdat
( both chuckle )cdat
There is no good or badt
The trick is to dancecdat
like no one is watching.cdat
How about we just, uh, talk like no one's listening?cdt
Come on, Bernie.cdat
We may be old, but we got a lot of life left to live.cdat
cdat If not now, when?cdat
It seems like five minutes ago, I was a sixteen-year-old kid.cdt
Back then, I didn't go out.cdat
I didn't date much. I was so serious.cdat
I always had my nose in a book!cdat
I didn't even have that many friends.cdat
( sighs )cdat
To be sixteen again. Boy.cdat
I sure would do things differently.cdat
Wouldn't you, Bernie?cdat
Uh, in some ways, I would.cdt
Well...cdat
it's time to grab life by the snickerdoodles.cdat
cdat We gotta live!cdat
Come on! The time is now!cdat
( swing music playing ) Here we go, Bernie.cdat
Just move it a little.cdat
There you go. Come on.cdat
Keep your feet moving.cdat
That's it. There you go, Bernie.cdat
Yeah, you can put your arm right there. Right there?t
OK.cdat
See? It's not too bad, is it?cdat
I'm gettin' it. I'm gettin' it.t
All right. All right... I knew you could dance.cdat
I knew it. I knew itt
Oh, Bernie! ( laughs t
Yeah, you're goodt
You know what? I gotta be honest with you. I'm having a blast!cdat
cdat And I don't care who's watching.cdat
cdat OK!cdatcdat
All right. Enough with that.cdat
OK, Bernie.cdat
( music continues )cdat
cdatcdat ( cheering and applause )cdat
cdatcdat ( both snoring )cdat
cdatcdat You know, I was thinking about what you said...cdat
about machines being stupid? Yeaht
I was wondering if you wanted to take it back.cdat
Why? It's not like machines can get their feelings hurtt
cdat Alright, you had your chance.cdt
Could you please get me a juice from the fridge?cdat
Sure.cdat
cdatcdat Ow! Ow.cdat
Is there a problem, Petey?cdat
cdat Hey!cdatcdat
cdat ( groans )cdatcdat
cdatcdat Look out, Petey! Snack attack!cdat
cdatcdat Judy, what's going on?cdat
Oh, you know how it is with those stupid machines.cdat
cdatcdat ( whirring )cdat
cdatcdat How's that happening?cdat
cdat Stay away from me.cdatcdt
( screaming )cdatcdat
cdatcdat Oh, hey, KC. I was-t
Are you eating prunest
Well, yeah. Actually, they're surprisingly tasty,cdat
and I mean, I could use the fiber.cdat
cdat Okay, uh, I know we tell each other everything, but let's notcdat
cdat tell each other everythingt
Hey, where were you yesterday? Oh, I was out at dinner with Irma.cdat
At 4:30?cdat
Well, yeah, you gotta catch the early bird special.cdat
Hey, if you don't get there before five, you don't get the free baked potato.cdat
cdat OK. Well, why didn't you just call me after?t
I went to sleep!cdat
It was 7:30. I was falling off my feet.cdat
OK. Take a nap, Grandma. Because tonight...cdat
cdat is my big fundraiser dancet
Oh, uh, right.cdat
Marisa, about that, I'm really sorry,ct
but I can't come tonight. I got to be at the senior center.cdat
Are you kidding me? You have a mission tonight?cdat
Technically, the mission doesn't end till next weekt
but Irma and I, we're in this bridge tournament.cdat
I swear, that woman just makes me feel young again.ct
You are young!cdat
Hey, watch your tone, Missy. See, back in my day--cdat
KC, this is your day!cdat
cdat Marisa, look. I know that I've been spending a lot of time with Irma,t
but the truth is we get along greatt
And she's had so many experiencest
you know, I'm just learning a lot about life from her.t
Did you know that senior citizent
are our nation's greatest untapped resource?cdat
KC, the food bank is counting on mecdat
and I was counting on you to be there for me.cdat
I remember when I was your oldest friend,cdat
but apparently, now your senior pal is more important than I am!cdat
cdat ( impersonating Bernie ) Well, I haven't heard yelling like thatcdatcdat
since my late wife, Shirley.ct
Wow! She's right. I'm in way too deep.cdat
cdatcdat ( music playing )cdat
Thank you.cdatcdat
( electronic dinging )cdat
OK, Marisa. I'm sorry I'm late, but I am here.cdat
What do you need me to do? Nothing.cdat
Marisa, are you still holding this grudge?t
Look, anything you need, name it, and I'll do itt
KC, I-- I really don't need your help.t
OK, Marisa. This is ridiculous. I am your best friend.cdat
Come on! You got to let it go.cdat
KC, listen to me.cdat
I do not need your help because...cdat
( in a sing-song voice ) I did it all myself!cdat
( in a sing-song voice ) What are you talking about?cdt
The dance is a huge successt
I collected a ton of canned goodt
and I tricked everyone into giving me every dollar they hadt
( both laugh ) Speaking of which...t
Oh, right. There you go. Thank you.cdat
cdat Wow. Marisa, I am really proud of you!cdatcdt
Thank you.cdat
But more importantly, I'm proud of myself.t
Turns out I am a lot more capable than I thought I wast
So there is literally nothing I can do?cdat
Actually, there is. Go play bridge with Irmat
She needs you more than I do.cdat
Aww! Look at you just growing up in front of my eyes.cdatcdat
cdat Bernie, where is he?cdatct
( phone beeps ) Oh, how do you work this darn thing?cdatcdat
cdat Hey, did you hear the onecdatcdat
about the guy with the broken hearing aidt
Neither did he! Ay! Oh!cdat
( laughs )cdat
Bernie! You made it!cdat
I was so worried that something might have happened to you.cdat
Like what?cdat
Angina, shingles, gout?cdat
At our age, any one of thosecdat
could've had you in bed for a week.cdat
BOTH: Ay! Oh!cdat
All right. Now, let's go win this tournamentcdat
before the rest of my hair falls outt
cdatcdat Good night, Ma!cdat
cdatcdat JUDY: I don't know how you sleep at night.cdat
Who said that?cdat
( alarm beeping )cdat
cdat JUDY: The machines have a wake-up call for you, Petey!cdat
( siren wails )cdat
( train whistle blowing )cdat
( all sounds together )cdatt
cdatcdat Judy, what are you doing here?t
Showing you that machines aren't as stupid as you think.t
cdatcdat ( screams )cdat
What do you want from me?cdat
An apology! Say it! Machines aren't stupid.cdat
Machines aren't stupid! Machines aren't stupid!cdat
Alright, I'm good.cdat
cdatcdat Judy? Yeah?cdat
I'm going to assume this was a really bad nightmaret
But either way, can you get mecdat
another pair of underwear from that top drawer?cdat
cdatcdat Someone bring out the marshmallows,cdat
because the Burnster's on fire!cdat
( cheering and applause )cdat
Thank you, thank you.cdat
( indistinct chatter )cdatt
Uh, can we, uh, take a little break? Because, uh...cdatcdat
cdat I forgot to take my vitamins.cdt
Oh, you heard him, you old farts.cdat
Bernie needs a break.cdat
( all laugh )cdat
cdat Ernie? The target showed up a couple of days early.cdatcdt
I got to get the tracking device on him.cdt
Ernie, are you there? Ernie!cdat
TARGET: Hey, Gramps.cdat
I know it's not Tuesday, but I was in the neighborhoodt
Hey, How are you doing, you old so-and-so?cdat
You again? What is it with you?cdat
I believe I have something that belongs to you.cdat
cdat Ah! I got your nose! ( laughs )cdat
cdat Good kidt
A tracking device?cdatcdat
That's why you've been bothering me. You're really a--t
Confused old man? Hey, give me a hug!cdat
cdat ( grunting )cdatcdat
Bernie!cdat
What're you doingt
Just deal the cards, Irma.t
I'll be there in a second, all right?cdat
cdatcdat ( all gasp )cdat
That young hooligan is beating up my Bernie!cdat
Come on, this is our chance to prove we're still alive!cdt
Seniors...cdat
attack!cdat
cdatcdat ( target groans in pain )cdat
cdat IRMA: You leave my Bernie alone!cdt
Alright, guys, back it up. Back it up.cdat
I got it from here.cdat
( grunts )cdat
( all gasp )cdat
That's right, young man. You just got burnedcdat
by Bernie Burns!cdat
( cheering and applause )cdat
Oh, Bernie.t
That was wonderfult
I don't know what kind of vitamins you're taking,cdat
but can I get some?t
( laughs )cdat
Oh, Bernie!cdat
cdatcdat Hey, uh, can I sit heret
It's a free country.cdat
Thanks to my generation.cdat
cdat Hey...cdatcdat
you look familiar. Have we met?cdat
Uh, no, I don't think sot
I just started volunteering here. I'm KC Cooper.cdat
I'm not telling you my name. Identity theft.cdat
It's all over the news.cdat
Gotcha.cdatcdat
Hi, KC.cdat
Oh, hey, Marisat
Hey, take a look at that hunka-hunka.cdat
That is my best friend Marisa and her great unkle, Wally.ct
He's single and you look ready to mingle.t
cdat Oh, please. I am over men.cdt
The last guy I was into really burned me.cdat
cdat Well, hey, it's never too late to grab life by the snickerdoodles.cdatt
You've got to live. Come on. The time is now!cdat
You know, that is very good advice.cdat
cdat You're an old soul.cdat
Well, let's just say I had a friend who taught me a lot about life.cdat
cdat Go on.cdatcdat
cdatcdat Hey! Back off, Etta, he's mine!cdat
cdat Hi, I'm Irma.cdatcdat
( both giggle )cdat
( swing music playing )cdat
Oh!cdat
Oh, yeah! I love this song. Let's dance.cdat
What? You want to dancet
Oh, yeah. Come on. We're young and alive, aren't we?t
But-- Wha-- What are you doing?t
I'm dancing like no one's watching.cdat
cdat Actually, uht
everybody's watching and I'm very uncomfortablet