'’Previously on The Royals...'
'’If Parliament fails, the King is compelled
to command that Parliament stand down until such time
as sufficient government can be restored.
Therefore, I hereby announce that Parliament is dissolved.'’
[Rapid gunfire]
I assume the embassy is under attack.
The other political refugee is gaming.
- And who are you? - Aston Lange.
I thought we had a connection, you and I.
- I can'’t take the risk. - I understand. I'’ll go.
Then again, it is my birthday.
[ELEANOR] '’I'm the Robin Hood.'’
I gave you this expensive pen
but now I'’ve got to take it back.
Jasper Frost'’s father. What do you want?
Your problem with my son is that he'’s common.
- How about we fix that? - [Cameras clicking]
[Applause]
[HELENA] '’From now on, you have one sole purpose - to be Robert'’s queen.'
Allow me to introduce you to my fiancee -
Wilhelmina Moreno.
- I want you and I miss you. - I want you, too.
I'’m sorry you had to hear that, brother.
♪ Where do you live? Is it close to the train? ♪
♪ Your hair the same color that bleeds when it rains? ♪
♪ Do you still get red, red in the face? ♪
♪ Do you still laugh? Do you still rage? ♪
♪ 32 days since we last touched ♪
♪ But I'’m not counting... ♪
It'’s okay. You did what you had to do.
Now it'’s done.
♪ Sometimes I miss you
♪ And then sometimes I don'’t ♪
♪ Sometimes I wish I just had more self-control ♪
Come out, come out, wherever you are.
[Mock wailing and laughter]
Okay, now you'’re just starting to piss me off.
- [Chuckling] - Get over here!
- [Pretends to scream] - Oh? Seriously? You'’re gonna make me chase you?
[Thudding]
[Clicking]
There have been 14 monarchs since the merger of
the Kingdom of England and the Kingdom of Scotland.
Seven of those have been from the House of Henstridge,
beginning with Queen Matilda I,
and most recently, His Royal Highness King Simon
followed by King Cyrus
and King Robert.
What are the chief rights of a monarch?
Under a constitutional monarchy,
the sovereign has three rights:
The right to be consulted, the right to encourage
and the right to warn.
If the sovereign'’s warnings
are dismissed,
he or she has a fourth right.
Which is?
The right to rule.
- Hey. - Hey.
Haven'’t seen much of you the last few weeks.
Yeah. I haven'’t seen much of myself the last few weeks.
- Kathryn? - No.
- I'’m done with that. - I understand.
I'’m sorry I had to be the one
to show you who she really was.
I mean that.
- Will I see you tonight? - Yeah.
- I could use a drink. - Hmm.
I saw the guest list for your party.
A little light on your friends, isn'’t it?
No Sebastian. No Beck.
It'’s mostly just family... and some distant royalty.
There'’s nothing as important as family, Liam.
Always remember that.
You have to go.
Because you'’re officially my knight in shining armor.
And you'’re my knight out of your shining armor as well.
Tell me again what I can expect from this thing.
You can expect a bunch of entitled dum-dums
trying desperately to be half as bad-ass as you.
It'’s a good sign that Robby invited you, though. He'’s trying.
- Will you be late tonight? - Probably not.
But I may be drunk and... very agreeable.
Just saying.
Hey.
[ELEANOR] How'’d it go?
[She groans] Terrible.
I don'’t want to do this any more.
Good. Then call off the wedding
and I don'’t have to go to this shit stag party.
That'’s exactly why I'm not having a hen party. Nobody enjoys them.
You play ridiculous games, it somehow gets competitive
and there'’s inevitably a fight.
Mm. You make it sound kind of fun.
All right. I...have got to be going.
[She groans] Go. You'’re gonna love it.
Have fun. Don'’t punch anyone.
- What? Not even Liam? - You can punch Liam.
Okay. Good.
I will see you later.
Yes, you certainly will.
- Is Jasper having problems with Liam? - No. Why?
He asked if he could punch him.
Yeah, he'’s just feeling punchy.
Right.
Come on. Let'’s go. [Clicks fingers]
Okay, quick. How many realms does King Robert rule?
16. Would you like me to name them?
No. I wouldn'’t know them, anyway.
So, one more day, huh?
One more question - the final one.
- They ask me tomorrow. - Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Calm down. Just relax.
What'’s the worst thing that could happen if you get it wrong?
Erm...they don'’t let me be Queen?
- Sure. I guess that is kind of a big one. - Mm.
But what'’s this business about you not having a hen party?
Len, I'’ve been answering their questions for three days now.
I have one question left. I'’m gonna study some more,
get a good night'’s sleep and prepare in the morning.
I hope "prepare" is a euphemism.
- It'’s not. - Ah, you'’re the pits, man!
Having no fun is supposed to be for after you'’re Queen.
Geez.
[Door closes]
Hello.
If you were going to have a hen party - just "if" -
I was just wondering what we'’d do.
- If I were, and I'’m not... - Right.
I suppose we'’d get massages,
drink some champagne and have a bit of chocolate.
Okay, a lot of chocolate.
Well, you'’re lucky I'’m a princess.
♪ I see the signs
♪ Of a lifetime
♪ You '’til I die... ♪
Mum and I see how hard you'’ve been working.
It'’s lovely.
Now, I know what you'’re thinking.
"Where'’s the chocolate?"
But we can'’t be expected to do everything.
Or can we?
[Gasps] It'’s the biggest chocolate fountain ever!
How did you do this?
Well, we know a thing or two about being covert.
Now, then, your spa day awaits.
We'’ll have drinks, some chocolate,
a little pampering.
And you'’ll be in bed early.
A toast!
To my lovely bride. And to all of you.
[GUESTS] Hear, hear!
Or, rather, to most of you.
I don'’t believe you're allowed on British soil, dear Uncle.
Yeah, I'’m not on British soil.
Venezuelan soil. Home sweet home.
A curious loophole at best.
The curious holes are the best kinds.
I see the usual suspects have turned out,
hoping to curry favor with the new King.
I haven'’t seen this many arse-kissers
since I went on that poppers binge in Soho.
Our footmen will be coming around to collect your phones
for the duration of the evening.
Trust me when I say it'’s for your own protection as much as mine.
So surrender your phones and grab a drink.
The evening is about to begin.
Uncle, a word.
You'’re gonna make your excuses quietly and go.
For God'’s sake, Robby.
Am I really such a threat to you tonight?
No. You'’re not a threat to me ever.
But you conspired against me.
And for that you sacrifice tonight and every night.
So did Liam and you let that little arsehole stay.
[LIAM] It'’s nice to see you, too.
Come to be big brother'’s bitch and throw me out?
Actually, I was coming over to defend you...you dick.
You once told me nothing is so broken it can'’t be fixed.
I didn'’t mean this.
This is the part of you that holds you down.
You have a soft spot for lost causes.
You also told me nothing is more important...
than family.
[Sighs] When he steps out of line, you deal with it,
otherwise you'’re both gone.
Enjoy your night, old man. Then back to exile you go.
Liam.
Hey, listen. I'’m, uh...
I'’m thinking of blowing out early, finding a pub or something.
- You want to come? - I appreciate it but...
I need to be here all night, and you should be, too.
Really buying into this, aren'’t you?
You mean my brother'’s wedding? Yes.
I have a lot of mistakes to make up for.
Wouldn'’t it be nice to find a little peace around here?
Listen, I'’m all for peace. I'’m just not up for "All hail King Robert" all night.
Thought you felt the same.
My life was a lot better when I put my family first.
And that includes my brother.
Play snooker?
I'’ve played before.
One more piece of advice.
If you find yourself in direct competition with my brother tonight,
it'’s probably best to let him win.
- [Jasper laughs softly] - Trust me.
[Cheering]
Not bad, Sir Bodyguard.
Shame you won'’t make the next one.
[Disappointed groans]
You put up a good fight for us.
You should feel happy about that.
Or should you?
[Cheering and applause]
Perhaps I was simply toying with you.
- Giving you false hope. - [Cheering]
Making you comfortable.
So I could crush your spirit
in front of men who actually earned their title.
[Observers groan]
Or perhaps...
[Laughter]
..I was toying with you.
[Cheering]
Letting you get cocky...
giving you false hope.
[Admiring gasps]
Letting your natural arrogance...
..blind you to the con.
[Applause]
So I could crush your spirit...
in front of people who haven'’t earned shit.
- [Cheering] - Bravo! Shot!
[MASSEUSE] Relax.
Breathe.
Ooh.
It'’s a stressful time.
Are you married?
[MASSEUSE] No, but I have someone.
It'’s complicated.
It always is.
It shouldn'’t be, though. It should be simple.
You meet someone, you fall in love...
you put that person before everyone
and everything.
'’Til death do you part. [Laughs]
Oh, your engagement ring is stunning.
Thank you.
It'’s never how you picture it.
At least, it'’s not how I pictured it.
I thought it'’d be more of a fairy tale.
[MASSEUSE] And instead?
My fairy tale comes with other concerns.
Unavoidable concerns.
Turn. Please.
[She moans softly]
I'’ve been taking this test...
a sort of historical quiz, and if I don'’t pass it,
there'’s a chance I won'’t be getting married.
- That sounds stressful. - [Sighs]
I have to admit it is.
These are cold.
Cucumbers decrease the flow of blood
to the space around your eyes.
Not that you need it.
Mm.
Everything will be just as it'’s meant to be.
I hope so.
It'’s all going to be okay now.
You are beautiful.
Oh!
- Hi, Willie. - Oh, my God!
How did you get in here?
Oh, I make friends easily. Security loves me.
There was a time when I thought you and I might be friends.
You'’re insane.
- Ooh! - Careful.
The drugs I put in that oil are fairly fast-acting.
Enjoy the ride...
and your unavoidable concerns tomorrow.
What are you doing, you freak?
Dying.
Willow!
[Owl hoots]
We should call a doctor. If we don'’t, she could die.
She'’s not gonna die. Look. What does she look like to you?
She looks like she'’s tripping balls.
Exactly.
Acid, if I had to guess. LSD. Somebody must have laced her.
- Unless she took it herself. - Oh, she didn'’t take it herself, Mum.
- She'’s straight as an arrow. - So was I, before I became Queen.
The pressure makes you..
less than who you want to be sometimes.
You really think she'’ll be okay?
Listen, she'’s in for a hectic night, but she'’ll be fine.
Trust me, I'’ve been there.
If we want to keep this quiet, we should just call someone,
have them stay with her and just let her ride it out.
- You can stay with her. - Me?
You know more about drugs than a chemist.
- True. - So you can keep her safe.
Discreetly.
And?
And...you'’ll care for a friend and help your brother'’s beloved.
- And? - A new horse.
- Done. - Fine. Little brat.
Keep her safe.
And whatever you do, make sure she'’s at tomorrow'’s confirmation.
Mum, she cannot go to that thing.
She'’s gonna be fried out of her mind.
Willow?
Darling...
It'’s the Queen.
See? She'’s fine.
The Queen of Mean.
She'’s perfect.
The Queen of Mean stole my dream.
[Laughs]
Okay, don'’t leave your room.
I'’ll come back and check on you and...
if she gets worse...
use the panic button and call our doctor.
Fine. But what about the press?
If we can avoid it, we should.
But our days of killing Queen candidates are over.
Press be damned.
Safe journey...poor thing.
Nice tits.
Oh! God'’s sake.
Good luck.
[Yaps]
Eurgh.
[Chatter]
Quite impressive, putting King Douchebag in his place.
- I liked it. - Thanks.
To tell you the truth... it turned me on a little.
I'’ve been a bit secluded lately.
How would you like to get out of here?
I'’m not sure Princess Eleanor would approve of that.
What'’s that shit show have to do with it?
You have no idea who I am, do you?
Should I?
Jasper Frost, King'’s Bodyguard.
The King'’s Bodyguard? Well done, you.
It doesn'’t pay so well, though, does it?
I could make it worth your while.
Sorry, let me try that again.
Jasper Frost, King'’s Bodyguard,
solved King Simon'’s murder, recently got shot,
currently dating Princess Eleanor, your niece.
If you say so.
Offer stands.
This place is so weird.
Oh. Ooh! Who'’s the good girl?
Ah. Oh, I love your fur!
Oh, I love your fur. I just love your fur.
Get off me!
- [Tinkling] - Oh, my God, it'’s a star.
- Actually, Willow, it'’s a bomb. - [She gasps] It'’s a bomb!
Boom!
Now, listen. You can either have a good trip, or you can have a bad trip.
Okay? If you feel safe and happy,
you'’re more likely to have a good trip.
But if you'’re all stressed out and sad,
you'’re looking at a bad trip.
So you need to just try and think about happy thoughts.
- Happy thoughts. - Happy thoughts.
Happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy,
happy, happy, happy...
How about some music?
[Music starts]
That'’s it. Ride it out.
- Ahh... - See? It'’s a good trip.
Not a bad trip.
- You'’re on fire. - Exactly...
No! You'’re on fire!
[Groaning]
Are you OK? Just... Just don'’t move, okay?
I need to call someone.
- [Electric bell] - I need a doctor
to come to my room right away, please,
because I have a situation that is not...
Oh, shit! Never mind.
Willow!
Come out, come out, wherever you are.
[Mock wailing and laughter]
Alright, now you'’re just starting to piss me off.
- [Chuckling] - Get over here.
- [Pretends to scream] - Oh? Seriously? You'’re gonna make me chase you?
[Thudding]
[She groans]
[Groaning]
This is not what I had in mind when I asked you to watch her.
Oh, whatever, Mum, I got her back.
I still get the horse.
And plus I get more time with you.
Come on, sit down. Talk to me. I'’ve missed you.
Well...the Hoteleanors are quite impressive.
I'’ve been very proud of you.
Thank you, Mum.
But, I mean, Sebastian has helped me quite a bit.
Have the two of you ever even spoken?
We...crossed paths at my birthday party.
- Oh, of course you did. - [She gulps]
He'’s a really...
really good friend.
Hey, Mum, erm, you know that pen?
You know, for Dad'’s legacy exhibit?
I said that I found it in your room. I didn'’t.
I gave it away and then I had to get it back.
I'’m the Robin Hood that'’s been leaving things for people.
You'’re not? Darling, that'’s dangerous.
Yeah, I know, Mum. That'’s what Jasper said.
But it makes people happy. It makes me really happy.
I understand that.
But there are other ways to make the world a better place.
We can discuss it when Willow stops being quite such a handful.
But...I appreciate you telling me the truth.
It'’s better, isn't it?
Not keeping secrets from each other.
Yes, it is.
Right...get some rest.
Yeah.
No! What the shit?
Wait for it.
Ow. Ooh.
[Moaning] Ohh...
Hello, dear.
How are you feeling?
Terrible.
What happened?
Erm, well... someone drugged you.
Yeah. And then you lit yourself on fire.
And then you pretended to be a ghost.
And then you knocked yourself unconscious.
That'’s exactly how I feel.
Well, the worst of it'’s probably over.
You may get some flashbacks. LSD can be like that.
- LSD? - Mm.
Please tell me I'’m not on LSD.
Darling, I did tell you that marijuana is a gateway drug.
Ohh.
Oh. Hey...
Come on. Hey.
You'’re going to be just fine. Just...in a couple of days.
I don'’t have a couple of days.
I have to answer their last question tomorrow
or they won'’t let me be Queen.
- Would that be the worst thing? - How can you say that?
No-one was drugging you when you were just our social media hag.
It wouldn'’t be the worst thing not to be Queen,
but... [SIGHS] ..not to marry Robby...
that would be devastating.
Hey. Whoever did this to you can'’t stop you.
They mess with you, they mess with me.
Yeah? Okay. Now, get in.
- And get some rest. - Mm.
In you get.
Yep. Just gotta sleep it off.
- Len... - Yes?
Am I okay?
You'’re okay.
Promise.
[Eleanor groans]
Are you sure?
No.
You'’re doomed.
[Shrieks]
- Scary witch. Scary witch. - Right.
So you'’re not okay just yet.
Scary witch. Scary witch.
I want to thank you all for being here tonight.
The conversation we'’re about to have requires your discretion,
your loyalty and your silence.
That being said, Mr. Frost,
would you kindly step outside and close the door?
I need to speak to the titled men of influence,
not the titled help.
These men are important.
Do us a favor and keep us safe, yes?
Sat at this table is our past, gentlemen.
And also our future.
You want to see the new world?
Look around you.
Without Parliament, the men at this table run Great Britain.
You are the pinnacle of nobility -
dukes, earls, barons, viscounts,
lords and marquesses.
In short, we run this shit.
[Laughter]
There was once a feudal system,
a society run by noble peerages.
And with Parliament temporarily disbanded,
we have that once again.
What if I was to tell you that it isn'’t temporary?
That tonight I'’ve gathered all of you - my Round Table -
not merely to celebrate my nuptials
but to tell you this.
The country is doing better.
The people are happy.
So I'’ve decided to keep things the way they are...
for the rest of time.
- Hear, hear. - Hear, hear.
♪ LAY: The Blue Stones
♪ It'’s not over now ♪
♪ Don'’t lay your flag and turn away ♪
♪ It'’s not over now... ♪
You'’re so ugly.
Don'’t call me ugly.
Ugly.
That'’s it. Go back to Eleanor.
She'’ll keep you safe until you face tomorrow'’s council.
That'’s why you did this.
That'’s why you wanted me this way.
I don'’t know what you're talking about.
You want me to fail tomorrow'’s test so you can be Queen.
Those are the drugs talking.
You'’ve been out to get me since the day we met. Haven'’t you?
- Is that what you think? - Haven'’t you?
Get off of me!
[Willow growls] You think you can scare me?
You think you can chase me away?
You...can'’t!
You want to drug me and call me ugly?
I said "lovely"!
You liar!
- Willow, please! - [Gasps]
Lovely! I said you look lovely.
[Groans]
You are so not getting a horse.
♪ Please don'’t leave me with another ♪
♪ With another
I nearly drowned her.
The Queen of England.
I nearly suffocated her in a vat of chocolatey goodness.
There are worse ways to go.
I have the tribunal tomorrow.
She'’ll never forgive me.
Oh, come on. Stop it.
Shit like this happens all the time around here. You know that.
This doesn'’t even make the royal top ten.
What'’s the best thing about being royal?
The best thing...
Hm... It'’s hard to say.
Then...what'’s one really great thing?
The way they look at you
when you walk into a room
or you make an appearance, you meet someone
for the first time.
They look at you like they'’re gonna remember that moment
for the rest of their lives.
And what'’s the worst thing?
The way they look at you.
Centuries ago, the King relied on his noblemen
to maintain order and stability across his kingdom.
Territorial kings.
Once I have a system of governance in place,
each of you will have a share of my reign.
And the price that you will pay for it
is a price you'’re already paying.
Loyalty.
To King and country.
[GUESTS] God save the King!
Magnificent.
Truly magnificent, Robby.
Not just the Parliament bait and switch, but all of it.
Such grand theatre.
And leaving the seat next to you open...
bravo.
As my one-nut uncle has astutely observed,
the seat to my right remains empty...
to be filled by my most trusted lieutenant.
You are all good men,
but only one of you may occupy this seat.
Let the blood sport begin.
You'’ve had your fun, dear Uncle.
Now it'’s time for you to go - back to obscurity.
Of course.
I'’ll go.
But, before I do, let me just say this.
I'’ve been the King and I'’ve occupied the throne.
And when I did, I didn'’t give two shits about any of you dickheads.
And neither does he.
Your deal with the Devil is just that.
What happens when Adolf Junior
decides to change the rules?
When he wants what you have?
When you disagree with him?
Parliament protects you.
The House of Lords affords you a voice.
Not this arsehole.
I know because I was that arsehole.
Stand with me. Push back.
Hell, someone kill this arrogant son of a bitch
before he tries to take over the world.
The time for violence is now.
[Liam growls]
You want violence? I'’ll give you violence!
[Fist crunching into face]
It'’s okay.
You did what you needed to do.
Now it'’s done.
Stay there, brother,
in the seat next to me.
It'’s where you've always belonged.
Willow?
[Muffled] In here.
[Groans softly]
What are you doing in there?
- I don'’t remember. - It'’s okay.
I'’ve been there. Come on.
It was Cassandra. She'’s the one who drugged me.
Oh.
Remind me to um...
to ruin that bitch, right after I...
sleep for a few days.
By the way, in about 30 minutes,
you need to be in front of the confirmation committee.
I know.
I can'’t do it.
You have to.
Don'’t you think my mother could reschedule the thing if she wanted to?
She'’s the Queen.
But she didn'’t, because life isn'’t going to stand down...
every time you have a bad night,
and neither is the crown.
You'’re one question away.
If you quit now...
..you'’ll wake up one night and wonder "What if?" and...
trust me, the "What ifs?" are a lot worse
than a few stupid people in a room.
You'’re better to just...
..give it a shot, you know, and then live with the fact
that you did what you could.
Thank you.
For taking care of me.
That'’s what family do.
That'’s what sisters do.
Hm.
We have to find you something to wear.
Well, then, Wilhelmina, it'’s good to see you...
Ish.
Would you like a minute?
Nah, I think I'’m good.
Are you sure?
Not really. To be honest, I'’m tired, I'm sore and I'’m
quite possibly still under the influence of a Class-A narcotic,
so just ask me whatever you want to ask me,
please.
Right. Our final question is this.
Why would you make a great Queen?
[Laughs]
Shit. I don'’t know.
Some days I wonder if I'’ll make a great anything.
Or if I even have greatness inside of me.
If you'’re asking me if I care about being Queen,
if I take it seriously and try every day
not to diminish who you'’ve been,
and what you and centuries of queens before me have built,
then the answer is yes - I would and I will.
But, with all due respect...
what Robert thinks of me...
how he sees me and how he feels about me,
how I feel about myself,
that'’s more important than how all of you feel about me.
I love your son.
If I have to be a Queen to be with him, I will,
and I'’ll do the best I can.
But none of that will have to do with
any of the questions you'’ve asked me for the last few days.
Now, if you'’ll excuse me, it'’s been a long night
and I miss my fiance.
If you'’ve ever been in love...
you know what I mean.
I think you broke my nose, you prick.
You disrespected the King. It had to be done.
And?
He bought it.
I told you Parliament wasn'’t temporary.
Just like I told you he caused the blackout.
- But can we prove it? - Can we?
No.
But he can.
Meet my new friend - Aston Lange.
He has quite a tale to tell you.
[Laughs] Wow!
Is this the, uh... work of my sister?
It'’s the work of Cassandra.
She was in the palace last night.
She is a master manipulator.
I'’ll speak to James Hill.
Why does she keep pursuing you, Robby?
Because I'’m the King.
And, I assume, because Cassandra'’s not used to hearing the word "No."
Is that all it is?
She was here not long ago.
The night we got engaged, actually.
And you didn'’t tell me?
Nothing happened.
You should'’ve told me.
I didn'’t want to alarm you.
I want to believe in you.
And I want to believe in us but it'’s not easy.
You can. I promise you.
No more secrets.
♪ I'’m not giving up ♪
♪ Not gonna run
♪ I'’ll be there when you need me ♪
♪ Even if it hurts
♪ These nails in my hands
♪ Erasing all the lines...
- Did you punch anyone? - No.
Good boy. I'’m proud of you.
How was Robby? Was he nice to you?
Yeah, he was great.
How was your night?
Oh, fairly routine.
Willow got drugged by some...
crazy bitch who wants the crown,
so I nursed her through a bad LSD trip.
- So, nothing unusual, then? - [Laughs]
Exactly.
I remember I used to have nights like that all the time.
When I was drunk or...
..high or out of control.
Mostly because I was trying to find something.
Love, probably.
♪ I'’m not giving up on you ♪
Thank you for helping me find it.
♪ How long will it take for you to lean on me? ♪
♪ Time to let it go so you can finally be... ♪
Thank you for finding me.
♪ Slow
♪ Even if it hurts
♪ Even if it makes me bleed
♪ I'’m gonna carry you ♪
♪ Pushing through with the dirt on my sleeves ♪
♪ Even if it hurts
I wasn'’t sure you'd come.
- I wasn'’t sure you'd come. - I didn'’t want to.
I didn'’t want to.
[ROBERT] I can'’t help but every time I see you,
I remember the feelings I had for you when we were together.
- I'’m a bad person. - I'’m a bad person.
But my girl'’s one very good liar.
[She laughs]
He doesn'’t suspect a thing.
We'’re in.
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
♪ Yeah, yeah
♪ Hey!