'Previously on The Royals...'
'When I was a little girl,
my grandfather gave me a music box.
I'd stare at it for hours,
wondering what it would be like to be royal.'
I can't be on the list.
I hoped for something more.
I wish the same for you.
I will find you the perfect queen.
(Gunshot, crowd screaming)
I knew if I got shot, I'd get you home.
Jasper Frost is an American intelligence agent.
- You're saying I'm CIA? - I'm not saying it, you are.
My father was a small-time con man from Las Vegas.
- Colin, good to see you. - Your Majesty.
Why would Robert be paying Ted Pryce?
To kill my father.
If Robert was paying Ted Pryce,
He'd have used one of two personal bankers.
She's the daughter of the second one.
I'll kill him before I let him deceive everyone.
- 'You have the device?' - Yeah, it's right here.
'Stick it in her father's computer,
it'll clone his hard drive.'
We've got it.
I know what you did, you son of a bitch!
(Gags)
I see you've met Hamish from Dopplebangers.
You should turn him loose before you kill him,
although he does enjoy a bit of the rough stuff.
Have I taught you nothing, Mongo?
(Sighs) Come with me.
*I only wanna have some fun
*I just want to have some fun
*I only wanna have some fun
Tell me a bit about yourself.
I attended Cambridge, where I studied History of Art.
My primary interest was conservation of monuments
and heritage management.
Tell me something about you that no one else knows.
Well...
I once had sex on top of Stonehenge.
Is that right? Huh.
- Too forward? - No.
I just wouldn't have expected that
from the daughter of a baroness.
It was amazing.
I mean, I loved it,
and the guys seemed very happy too.
- Guys? - There haven't been many.
I was a bit of an ugly duckling,
more concerned about books and philanthropy.
Probably sounds quite boring.
No, not at all.
Would you care to join me for lunch?
That sounds lovely, Your Majesty.
Amanda will be joining us
for the lunch portion of the interview.
Very good, Miss Cartwright. Follow me, please.
*(Music box plays) Fur Elise
(Music stops)
(LIAM) 'How did you know?'
Your temper precedes you.
Don't you recall that beat-down
you gave dear old Uncle Me
when you thought I killed Simon?
Lo and behold, it was Robby!
He conspired to kill his own father.
It's so Shakespearean, it's almost disappointing.
But at the same time, it's exhilarating.
I love ruining lives.
Hold your horses until I talk to a few people.
What people?
People that can help us expose that little prick
on the grandest scale.
- And the authorities? - No, not yet.
I want to make sure we have maximum insult before injury.
Today's lesson - play your hidden ace
when all the chips are on the table.
Until then, we tell no one.
No one!
You were right, Boone was right.
- I have proof. - What are you gonna do?
I'm going to expose that fraud in front of my family
and the entire world.
Maybe you shouldn't do that.
Let a murderer get away with it?
I'm not saying, let him get away with it,
I'm just saying, maybe there's another way.
Use the information and make him step down quietly.
Quietly? The son of a bitch paid a psychopath
to kill my father, his father.
I understand that,
but Boone said there's no going back from this.
He wasn't wrong.
Thought about what this would do to your family?
(ELEANOR) Hey.
Can we talk?
I couldn't come home right away.
- Why? - I just couldn't.
I'm sorry.
It's good to see you, though, and Jasper.
And your brother?
Our brother, it's good to see him too?
- No, he's an arsehole. - He's your brother.
We're a family. I'm back.
He's back.
Mum's bored out of her mind.
She's watching Royal And Beautiful.
I didn't know things had gotten that bad.
Well, they have!
And you can fix it.
Just come home and spend some time with us, all of us.
It would mean a lot to Mum and to Robby.
And to me.
I'll do it for the last one.
(JASPER) Aw!
I kind of wish he was still in a coma.
- Too soon, Liam. - Sorry. Got you.
Hm.
Have you seen my tie?
I think it's tied to the bedpost.
Yep, that's it there -
future Prime Minister Colin Yorke's necktie.
Colin, what do you think of the girl in this picture?
Wow! She's attractive.
I mean, within reason. She's no queen of England.
She could be.
Hey, don't feel guilty about this. I missed you.
It was all me.
It was half you.
I'd better go.
South London isn't pleased
about all the attention it's getting.
One more thing and it could all go off.
Ooh, you mean, they could start, like,
shooting at a member of the Royal Family?
Oh, wait! Those mongrels already did that.
How's Robby doing?
He seems strangely fine,
which, if I know my son, means he is anything but.
Hello, Jasper.
(Monitor bleeps)
Interesting press conference.
I don't know, Jasper, I keep trying with you,
but I just don't know.
You'll remain my bodyguard, of course,
when you recover, if you recover.
I mean, we really don't have a choice now -
you're the darling of the press.
I should head back to the palace.
I've got lunch with several duplicitous outsiders
who hope to have a piece of what's mine.
Seems to be going around.
Something wrong?
I was on the list.
Of contenders for the King's bride?
I was the other name.
You must have been his first choice, then.
Some people would kill to be on that list, literally.
Did you remove your name because of my other son?
No.
I don't know. Liam never really saw me like that.
The truth is, he never really saw me at all.
It's important, being seen,
finding someone who listens to you.
My mother had that.
Your mother made the right choice.
Look, it's not exactly torture being queen,
but it is forever.
You sacrifice a lot,
standing next to a member of the Royal Family.
Speaking of, are we out in front
on Liam's latest dalliance, what's her name?
Greta.
She looks like she has a nice personality.
Is there a particular angle you'd like me to pursue?
No, not yet. I'll talk to him.
Stay on course with Robert's love life - there is much more at stake.
And Willow?
You're not wrong to expect your love to be true.
It's nice to know a man sees you
and appreciates you for you.
This isn't always the greatest environment for that.
Thank you, Your Majesty.
Would you like me to move to make room for your mail?
There are so many people out there who need help, Jasper,
it's so sad.
This person went on holiday to Tasmania.
Her family were robbed and she needed money to get home.
This person was wrongly incarcerated
in a Nigerian jail and needed money for bail.
- That's great. - Those letters are scams.
Not all of them.
This little girl from Australia has diabetes.
She just wants to sing and dance.
- The world is a mess. - You should go home.
- Get some sleep. - Trying to get rid of me?
Not since the moment I saw you, but if you stay here,
the press will figure out you're my girl,
the one I talked about in the press conference.
That press conference...
was very...
very, very sexy.
I'm not the only one who thinks so,
the world happens to agree with me.
Which is why you shouldn't be here around the clock...
..which is more painful than being shot
but it's probably for the best.
Unless I'm here helping people.
Wait, where are you going?
There are so many people who need fairy-tale endings,
and I happen to be a princess, so I can help them.
Then I get to stay with you. It's good-good.
It's win-win.
Yes, that. I'll be back!
*ZAC KELLOGG: Wounds
*Shouting words of bitterness
*To a room that doesn't care
*Doesn't care
Um, hi.
- Hi! - Oh, my God!
Wait, wait, don't cry!
Sorry, I can leave. This was supposed to be a happy thing.
It is! I'm sorry. I love you so much.
What's your name?
Becky Beauregard.
That's unfortunate.
What's going on with you, Becky Beauregard?
I have this stupid blood disease
and they thought I could go home by now, but I can't,
so I'm stuck here.
I can't believe it's you!
This blood disease, can they fix it?
Uh, I don't know. Maybe, maybe not.
- That's kind of scary, huh? - I'm kind of over it.
Mostly, I'm just annoyed now, like, get on with it, blood!
Either get better or whatever.
You're kind of a badass, Becky Beauregard.
- Are those your friends? - My friends and classmates.
Not Harry Styles, obviously.
I used to say, not Princess Eleanor, but here you are!
Oh, Jasper Frost!
He's actually in this hospital,
but you probably already knew that.
He's very cute, isn't he?
Yeah, but he has a girlfriend.
Oh.
And this one, who's this?
Oh. (Laughs)
That... That's Devin.
I was gonna ask him to the school dance,
but the doctors said I can't go anyway,
so I guess it doesn't matter.
Do you like him, this Devin?
I don't know, I guess.
Yeah, I like him a lot, actually.
There it is.
Don't you worry about a thing.
Let's get you back into bed, Becky Beauregard.
You know, I happen to be a princess, THE Princess,
so I say, if you can't go to the dance,
then we bring the dance and the Devin to you.
Okay, sit down, cry it out.
Can...
Can we...
Yes, of course, we can have a selfie,
because if it's not on social media, it's like it never happened.
Thanks.
Um...can I tell you a secret?
You can.
I lied before.
You're not really sick? Jasper warned me about scams.
No, I'm sick.
I mean, I lied about not being scared.
I am.
There's nothing wrong with being scared.
We all have things we're afraid of.
Like what? For you, I mean.
My grandmother.
Scary A F.
(Laughs)
Do you know what I do when I'm scared?
I dance...
preferably with boys named Devin.
I'll be back.
(Kisses)
Princess Eleanor?
If you don't come back, it's okay.
You probably have a million other places to be.
I've been to those places.
I'm here now.
There's nowhere I'd rather be.
Well, Amanda, I have to say,
this has been immensely enjoyable.
Willow will show you out.
Oh, Miss Cartwright, just to forewarn you -
sometimes the press can be a little intense.
I appreciate that, Your Majesty.
I'm sure I can handle it.
I hope you enjoyed lunch.
- It was lovely, thank you. - Your car awaits.
- There she is! - Amanda, Amanda!
What's the King like, are you officially dating?
Not yet. He's wonderful, but...
- Did you discuss foreign affairs? - We simply had a nice lunch.
Is it true your mother was arrested for public intoxication?
That was a reaction to a medical prescription! Where did you hear that?
The same place I heard your father was having an affair with the maid.
Tell us about the lesbian relationship you had at university.
That was one night, and I was drunk!
You vipers! Leave me alone!
(Journalists all shout at once)
Okay, everyone.
Let's reset for the next candidate.
Thank you, back to one.
Tell me about you, Cassandra.
With all due respect, Your Majesty,
your team would have compiled
a very thorough vetting of my background,
otherwise I wouldn't be here right now.
- Does that offend you? - Not at all.
My team did the same.
You're wrong, by the way.
Any astute film historian will acknowledge
that 1939 was the greatest year in film history.
Wrong - 1976.
Rocky, Network, Taxi Driver.
Gone With The Wind, Of Mice And Men, The Wizard Of Oz.
Not to mention the follow-up year, The Grapes Of Wrath
and The Great Dictator.
- The Great Dictator? - Mm.
Is that a King Robert biography?
If we're talking follow-up years,
in 1977, they made a little film called Star Wars.
You know, the other candidates
spent most of their time extolling their own virtues
and self-promoting.
You spend yours arguing with me and eating my food.
You know my background.
What you don't know, or couldn't find out,
impresses you as much, if not more, because, like you,
I'm good enough to either not make mistakes
or discreetly erase them when I do.
As far as self-promotion goes,
I could bore Your Majesty and sing my own praises,
but let's be honest,
there are so many more interesting things
I could do with my mouth.
I can see myself out.
What's the King like, are you officially dating?
Did you discuss foreign affairs?
Gentlemen, please! One at a time.
This isn't that sordid night I had at uni.
Tell us, Cassandra - what scandal are we going to uncover?
Scandal is only scandal if you run from it.
When they're chasing you out of town,
make it look like you're leading the parade.
What about England's political turbulence?
There are many skilled women and men
who dedicated their careers and lives to such matters
while I was reading Tatler and perfecting the gin martini.
If you'd like to ask about Paris Fashion Week, I'm your girl.
Have any thoughts about gender inequality?
I like being a woman in a man's world -
I can wear the pants but you can't wear the dresses.
Well, you could, but I'd look better in them.
Speaking of dresses, what are you wearing?
This old frock, who knows?
Always remember, boys,
pretty dresses won't change the world
but the women wearing them will.
Now I'm going to walk away and you're going to watch me.
Which of you handsome men would like to hold the door?
(JOURNALIST) Cassandra, over here!
We have a contender.
Some guys will do anything to get the girl.
Like take them halfway around the world?
(Chuckles)
How are you feeling, Frost?
- Lucky. - Mm.
Lucky to be alive, lucky to have Eleanor back,
luckiest guy in the world,
or I was, until you walked in.
I came to help Eleanor organize a dance downstairs.
Apparently, it's an alibi for staying close to you.
You're here to help her do that?
Believe it or not, I want what the Princess wants.
If that's you, I'll help her have that.
I'm glad you're okay.
She would have been devastated to lose you.
Sebastian?
Thanks for taking care of her while she was away.
You know what she's like - she takes care of herself.
Feel better, Frost.
You look like shit.
What are you smiling at?
You...your reign.
It makes me happy
when I think about how far you're about to fall
and how disgraced you're about to be.
The Liam Henstridge conspiracy tour.
What do you think you have on me this time,
my pathetically bitter younger brother?
I don't know, King, what DO I have on you?
Let's say you did have something.
You don't, but let's say you did.
Who is gonna believe you?
Look at you -
you're like a younger, more pathetic version of Cyrus.
At least he was actually king for a minute.
Sparrow?
Say hi to Kathryn from me.
(ELEANOR) Yeah, I understand.
If you can just let me know as soon as you hear anything,
I'd really appreciate that. Thanks.
Wow, this place looks amazing!
Thanks.
- Nice sticks, Tiny Tim. - Thank you very much.
Doctor's orders. What's... What's wrong?
All of Becky's friends have RSVP'd
except for the one boy that she wants to come.
Doing nice things for people sucks!
What if he doesn't come and I've made her life worse?
She can just have fun with her friends, can't she?
No! It's not the same.
The whole point of a dance is to wear pretty things
and to see the boy you like and to hope he likes you too!
She's had such a rough time.
I really want her to have a night she'll never forget.
Maybe he'll show up, we don't know this kid.
I think I do. I saw his photo on her wall.
Your photo was on her wall too.
- So? - So,
maybe she has a thing for bad boys, and Devin is one,
and he's stringing her along so he can devastate her.
Yeah, or maybe he's awesome
and he hasn't got the invite yet.
He's a 14-year-old boy, Jasper,
and he'd better show up, the little douchebag!
(Message alert)
Oh, perfect! Another one of my do-good ideas gone wrong.
Liam's chosen now to put the family back together.
- What do you mean? - I don't know.
He just said he wants to see us all.
It's okay, it's about time he and Robby worked things out.
I'd better go.
Wait.
I need to tell you something about Liam.
Not only did she survive our fictional press,
she toyed with them, they're still buzzing about it.
- I question her integrity. - Because?
She claims to know the best
Chinese noodle house in the city, but she's lying.
I happen to know the best Chinese noodle house,
it's on Creek Road in Greenwich.
She's out of contention to be my bride
because of her noodle preference?
She just seemed cold and calculating.
That's what they said about me when I was dating Simon!
Imagine that!
Liam! Join us.
Yes, please join us. Tell Mum and Willow your news.
It seems he's got additional information
that colors me in a bad light.
I'll give you some space.
Don't. We don't keep secrets from those closest to us.
Oh, we do.
It's really what our family does best.
What is it, Liam?
I'm sorry, Mum.
I know this is difficult to hear.
I found your deposits.
That's right, all that money transferred,
routinely and discreetly,
to Ted Pryce.
- Liam! - You had him killed.
You paid Ted Pryce and you sat on that island
until that psychotic son of a bitch could kill your father.
My father.
- You have proof of this? - I have the bank transfers.
But go ahead, deny it. Tell me I'm wrong.
No, you're not wrong, I did pay Ted Pryce,
but not to encourage his rampage.
- I was trying to help him. - You're lying.
He lost his wife in service to this family.
I felt horrible about it.
I tried to make things right, I reached out to him.
I tried to provide for his future, Ophelia's future,
unlike you, who preyed on her vulnerability.
- Shut up! - Liam!
You paid Pryce to kill Dad,
killed the King so you could be the king.
Brother, you are not well.
Admit it! We all know you're lying.
No, he's not!
Liam, I knew about the payments and so did your father.
We were proud of your brother for reaching out to Ted.
Your father was proud of him for it!
You're lying.
- You're both lying. - You have to believe me!
You never loved him, never appreciated him!
You know it's true!
You're right, that is true,
but I didn't kill your father and nor did your brother!
Liam, please!
(Helena and Willow gasp)
You're thick as thieves, you two! You always have been.
Lying, cheating, putting yourselves first.
Well, this is where it stops.
This is where it all ends.
This is why we don't spend any family time together.
I'll call an ambulance.
Willow?
Call James Hill.
Okay, easy.
You took quite a shot there.
What hit me?
Your sister.
Figures.
I assume the handgun belongs to Cyrus.
Yes, sir.
Not anymore.
Your family wishes to keep today's incident in-house,
but I'm not so sure
we shouldn't involve the authorities,
considering someone tried to assassinate the King.
So I'm gonna ask you three questions.
Depending on how you answer them,
you might be free to go.
You ready?
Who occupied this office before me?
Ted Pryce.
And was there a time when Ted Pryce was a good man?
- Yes. - I'd have to agree.
I knew Mr. Pryce, just as you did,
and don't think it's hyperbole to say
he was genuinely well regarded as a person.
Unfortunately, once he'd lost his way,
before anyone could save him,
before he could save himself even, it was too late.
I'm sure there were nights or days or maybe just a moment
when things were too far gone,
when the person he had become was desperate...
..to wake from the nightmare and find himself
safe and sound and home.
What your mother and brother said is true,
about the payments to Ted Pryce.
Set it down, son -
all the anger, pain, loss.
It was too late for Pryce, it's not too late for you.
You said there were three questions.
What's the third one?
Is this ever gonna happen again?
No.
Good.
You're free to go.
What are we going to do about him?
- He means well. - He means well?
The little prick pointed a loaded gun at me,
with the best of intentions, of course.
Liam simply wants to believe that
your heart is in the right place.
I'm his brother, he should know that.
You're my son, and I love you,
but I need you to look me in the eye
and tell me that your brother is misguided.
You know he is.
About Ted Pryce he is, but about you.
I want you to tell me that you're a good man,
a noble king and a son I can be proud of.
Tell me you are, and I won't ask you again, ever.
I am.
Good.
Of course you are.
Love you.
(Grunting)
What are you doing?
Trying to get my arm into this.
I can see that, but why?
Because there is a girl downstairs
who's expecting a boy to show up, and he's not going to.
How do you know that?
Because he's 14,
and because I was probably the same as him at that age.
I didn't care about dances or sick girls or that stuff,
I only cared about myself.
But you have tried to do something very nice.
You tried to make something better,
so that's what we're gonna do.
She deserves a really good night, and so do you.
Slowly!
(Groans)
You wear it well.
- The suit? - Yeah.
But I meant, the kindness.
It looks good on you, and it's very sexy too.
Let's go!
There's a girl who likes a boy,
and she wants to see him at the dance.
Oh!
And that girl may or may not be me.
Thank you.
(Sighs)
You okay?
It was terrible!
What happened today.
I'm sorry you had to see that.
He, um...
He was pointing a loaded gun at you, your own brother.
It's done now. He's not a bad person, my brother.
He'll find his way back.
When was the last time you ate?
I think I've lost my appetite.
Nonsense. Besides, these are the best noodles in the city.
From a little noodle shop in Greenwich.
But how did you...
In case you didn't know,
I happen to pay attention to you, Willow.
Please, sit.
Well, you know what they say. To erase a bad day,
have a good night.
(Music playing)
There she is! How are you liking your dance?
It's awesome! Thank you so much.
You are very welcome.
And I also have a surprise guest for you.
Jasper Frost,
biggest celebrity in London right now!
Cool!
Look... Listen, Becky, here's the thing about boys.
They're not always what you...
Oh, my God!
Hey.
Hey!
Little douchebag.
This is my friend, Princess Eleanor.
- Hi. - Becky, come dance with us!
So...you're Devin?
It's an honor to meet you, Your Highness.
Too cool to RSVP?
My parents asked me to apologize for that.
- Yeah, well. - We were out of town.
But I wouldn't have missed this for the world.
Thank you for doing this for Becky, she's really great.
There's no girl who deserves it more.
Yes.
Well, you are welcome, Devin, you charming little shit.
Off you go!
You okay?
Two significant things happened today.
My eldest son found a possible bride
and my youngest son pulled a gun on us.
Liam had a gun, why?
It's a long story,
and part of that sad tale...
..is my chapter.
I had a not-too-discreet affair.
I conspired with Cyrus
to prove my children illegitimate.
Along the way, I made it possible for my son
to plausibly accuse his brother
of unconscionable things.
Is there something I can do?
No, but there's something I can do...
..and that's not do this.
I need to...do better.
I need to be better.
Besides, if the world knew about us, it would ruin you.
You don't need that kind of scrutiny, Colin.
I appreciate that, but let's be honest, Helena,
you're not looking out for me,
you're looking out for you.
I suppose I am.
People are gonna have a new queen soon.
What are they gonna say about the old one?
I'm sorry, I have to go.
I won't be coming back, not to any of this.
(Laughter and chatter)
Hey, listen, if I didn't get a chance to say it before,
thank you for being here today and helping out,
it's a classy thing to do.
I appreciate that.
It's easy to be gracious
when you're the guy that got the girl,
which I did and have.
I suppose that's true.
Then again, you can't dance with her in public but I can.
- May I? - Yes.
Woo!
Is he watching?
- Yes. - Does he look angry?
Yes.
Perfect!
Are you thinking about Liam?
I watched my father give Cyrus chance after chance,
to no avail.
I was hoping that Liam would be different.
So was I.
I should get back to work.
Thank you for a lovely dinner.
It really did erase most of the day.
James Hill has your gun. I'm sorry.
All the time we put in, wasted.
The information wasn't true.
It doesn't matter!
Maybe the information wasn't true,
but do you really think that dick is a good person?
- Maybe he is. - Oh, for God's sake!
This is why I didn't want to waste my time on you.
The information didn't need to be true,
it just had to be loud!
Your brother's star is so high,
we need to chip away at it.
People read the headlines,
they don't read the retraction.
It doesn't matter anyway, they've already spun it.
They frame the narrative and big brother's star rises.
I suppose this is a nice consolation prize,
being with you for this.
For what?
The moment you realize
your mother is never gonna pick you.
Oh, well, at least you ruined that poor girl's life.
What's her name, Greta?
Or as I like to call her, Regreta.
- Here we go. - (Grunts)
- You okay? - Yeah.
- Guess what. - What?
I spoke to your surgeon,
and you're coming back to the palace to recuperate tonight.
You can be very influential, you know that?
Yes, I can be.
So I'm going to go and prepare your room.
By "your room", I mean, my room -
which is now our room.
What will the King say about that?
Oh, the King won't say a thing.
He may be the boss of the kingdom
but he's not the boss of me.
Leave the suit on.
I'll take it off you later tonight.
*It's probably me that's making you uncomfortable
*Maybe I've just been away too long
And you're absolutely sure about this?
Without a doubt?
Okay.
*THE DONNIES THE AMYS: Bright Lines
*Bright lines
(Message alert)
*I've drawn so you can see
*Bright lines
(Buzzing)
(Buzzing stops)
*I've drawn so you can see
*Bright lines
*I'm drawn
*I've drawn so you can see
(Thud, clinking)
Who's there?
Three, two, one.
*Hey!