♪
- Aw, look at you kids.
I can't believe
you've been the face
of Honest Abe's Tires
for 12 years.
Oh, you're growing up so fast.
- She knows the beards
are fake, right?
- I just love when we shoot
this commercial.
all: Us too.
- I hate it when we shoot
this commercial.
- My beard is itchy.
- I'm a girl.
I don't even get
why I have a beard.
- I don't get why we keep doing
this dumb commercial.
- Because Mom loves it,
and Dad gets free tires.
- But what's the connection
between us and tires?
- It's because...
"We're the Harper Quadruplets.
"And like the four of us,
the tires of a car
are the same age..."
all:
"And work in perfect harmony."
- It's the same lame script
every year.
- Have you guys seen
this year's script? It's genius!
You've done it again,
Honest Abe.
- These quads are the best thing
that have ever happened
to my tire business.
- Aww.
- I feel like
we've become family.
Nice to see you again,
Girl Quad,
Short Quad, Cute Quad,
and You Quad.
- Well, Mom and Dad Quad
are gonna browse the tires.
- Anything you want,
and grab yourself
an Honest Abe air freshener.
Here, kids.
You can have some too.
The scent is in the beard.
- Ah, I got ocean breeze.
- Ah, I got icy mint.
- I got autumn leaves.
- I got middle-aged beard.
- It's good to be a quad,
isn't it?
- Is it?
Is this what being a quad
has come to?
Sniffing beards and being
called "Girl Quad"?
- It's better than "Short Quad."
- I'm just "You Quad."
- "Cute Quad" isn't so bad,
but I'm offended for you guys.
- The point is, he doesn't
even know our names.
He's just using us
because we're quads.
- Yeah, like we're some sort
of freak show.
Uh, Dawn,
your lady beard's crooked.
- Oh, thank you.
Wait, what am I doing?
Look, I am sick of doing
this same commercial
every year.
- Yeah.
- Me too.
- I'm over it.
- What's the matter, quads?
- You know, we're not
just quads.
We have names.
I'm Dawn.
That's Nicky.
That's Ricky; that's--
- I'm good with Cute Quad.
- Admit it.
You're only using us
because we're quads.
- [laughing]
Of course I am.
- We're not even getting
anything out of it.
I mean, our dad gets tires,
but what about us?
- Yeah, it's not like we get
to get cool outfits
or go on tour as spokespeople.
- Yeah, or get a limo
with an ice-cream sundae bar.
- Well, that's just crazy talk.
Is this about
the air fresheners?
You Quad, swap with Girl Quad.
- This is not about
the air fresheners.
This is about being more
than just quads.
- But you're
the most famous quads
in all of Boulder
and half of Denver.
- Not anymore.
Our days as the Harper Quads...
are over.
- What are you saying?
- We're re-tire-ing.
Up top.
- Wait a minute.
You're quitting?
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Who's quitting?
all: We are.
- What?
- We don't want to be
in this commercial anymore.
- Fine.
No commercial,
no beards,
no air fresheners,
nothing!
- What--what about
our new tires?
- No tires!
- Aww.
- Well, Tom, if the kids
don't want to do it,
they don't have to do it.
- Honey, he already took
last year's tires off our car.
- Parenting, Tom.
Hey, I am proud of you
for standing up for yourselves.
all: Thanks, Mom.
- We have no tires!
- Thomas Louise Harper!
- It is Louis.
The hospital spelled it wrong.
- And we're not leaving here
with nothing.
The Harper family...
is walking out of here
with our dignity.
- Right.
Run, Anne!
[crashing]
- Well, there goes the dignity.
[upbeat music]
- ♪ Na na na na na na ♪
♪ Na na na na na ♪
[whistling]
♪ ♪
♪ Na na na na na na ♪
- ♪ Hey! ♪
♪ One, two ♪
- ♪ Na na na na na na ♪
- ♪ One, two, three, four! ♪
♪
- So you guys just quit
your big tire commercial?
- We didn't quit.
We re-tire-d.
Up top.
- But you guys were, like,
the most famous quads
in Boulder.
- And half of Denver.
- Attention, students.
I have two announcements.
Apparently, some prankster
thought it would be funny
to put bologna in my shoes.
Well, the joke's on them.
Not only does it give me
a nice arch support,
but my turtle Shelly
gets the treat
of some sweet feet meat.
Carry on.
Let's go, Shelly.
- Um, weren't there two
announcements, Principal
Tarian?
- Oh, yeah.
Not so fast, Shelly.
We have some special visitors:
the new faces
of Honest Abe's Tires.
- New faces?
- He replaced us?
- And here to introduce
the stars
of Honest Abe's
Four-Part Harmony Tour...
- He's taking them on tour?
- Is Honest Abe himself.
- Thank you.
Let's give a warm welcome
to the adorable Kramden Quads:
Emma, Jules,
George, and Lyle.
[applause]
- He knows their names?
- What makes them so special?
- Well, you don't see
quadruplets every day.
- Uh, hello?
We're quadruplets.
- Yeah, but not
the matching kind.
- We could dress up like that
if we wanted to,
but we're not some
cheap novelty act.
- Hit it, quads!
all: ♪ Come in and learn
the power of four ♪
♪ At Honest Abe's Tire Store ♪
♪ Take it from ♪
- ♪ Me ♪
all: ♪ The tires work ♪
♪ In four-part harmony ♪
[cheers and applause]
- Wow.
That was pretty amazing.
- I know, right?
- Well, we could sing like that
if we wanted to.
- Really?
Since when?
- Since now.
Hit it, boys!
[all singing off-key]
♪ Take it from me ♪
- ♪ Me ♪
[all singing off-key]
♪ The tires work ♪
♪ In four-part harmony ♪
[grating tune]
- You four, hush.
The quads are singing.
- Hit it, quads!
all: ♪ Come in and learn ♪
♪ The power of four ♪
♪ Of Honest Abe's Tire Store ♪
[upbeat music]
[metallic scraping]
- Is that your father?
- Yeah, he's sparking.
- Don't you mean parking?
- Nope.
- You know, I would've thought
your dad would have
bought new tires by now.
- Yeah, we all would've thought.
[metallic scraping]
- Or at least switched
his carpool day.
- So how was school?
- It was weird for...
[all singing off-key]
♪ Me ♪
- It was weird for all of us.
- Honest Abe replaced us
with new quads
and brought them to school
to talk about tire safety.
- Oh, and the principal
showed off his sweet feet meat.
[metallic scraping]
- Ugh.
So are you guys
upset about this?
- No.
- Not at all.
- Don't be ridiculous.
- I'm good.
[metallic scraping]
- This is so much better!
[all yelp]
- Hi.
- Sorry to bother you,
but didn't you guys used to be
the Harper Quads?
- "Used to be"?
- We just wanted you to know
that you were
our greatest inspiration.
- Wait, "were"?
- Yeah, you know,
before you re-tire-d.
[all laughing]
- Oh, I get it now.
"Re-tire-d."
Why didn't you
say it funny like them?
- We're just so grateful
that you guys
gave us the opportunity
to become the most
famous quads in all of Boulder.
- And half of Denver.
- Abe thinks we can
go full Denver.
- Ah, youth.
- It goes downhill pretty fast.
Before you know it,
you'll be four nameless lumps
with itchy beards.
- Jules, Emma, Lyle, George,
there's sundaes waiting for you
in the limo.
- Got to go!
- Thanks again!
- That should be our limo.
- Yeah, and our ice cream.
- We've got to get
our commercial back.
- At least we've got bologna
in our shoes.
What?
I'm the only one?
- This is why we never
went full Denver.
♪ ♪
[upbeat music]
- Honk, honk.
Quad-mobile comin' through.
- We just drove over
to humbly ask for our jobs back.
- What?
- Oh, let us
roll down the window.
[grunting]
We want our jobs back.
- Look, can I be frank with you?
- Hey, man, it's 2016.
You be who you got to be.
- When you guys were kids,
your quad light shone bright,
but the other day,
I saw that light go out.
- No, we've still got
our quad light.
Hit it, boys.
- Hit what?
- You're not the boss of me.
- What's a quad light?
- This is exactly
what I'm talking about.
The Kramdens never disagree.
Sorry, kids.
You had your run,
but now you're done.
- They never disagree?
How is that possible?
- It's not.
All brothers and sisters fight.
It's natural.
- Yeah, we fight all the time.
- No, we don't.
- Yes, we do.
- No, we don't.
- You're fighting right now.
- No, we're not.
- Yeah, we are.
- No, we're not.
- Yeah, we are.
- No, we're not.
- Yes, we are!
- Just stop.
See?
All brothers and sisters fight.
- Except the Kramdens,
which is why this
retired Lincoln is thinkin'
something's stinkin'.
- Maybe the Kramdens don't fight
because they're not really
brothers and sisters.
- Of course.
They're just pretending
to be related
to get cool stuff.
- We got to prove this
to Honest Abe.
He'll never let those fake quads
be the face of his store.
- And when they're out,
we'll be in.
- All right, let's roll.
[all saying "beep"]
- [whistling]
- So how can we prove
those Kramdens are frauds
and get our commercial back?
- Ooh!
- What do you got?
- We could ride around
in their limo
and eat their ice cream.
- And how will that
prove anything?
- Well, it--it won't,
but at least we get
to ride around in a limo
and eat ice cream.
- Ooh!
- What do you got?
- I like Nicky's plan.
- Okay, from now on,
if you "ooh,"
you either have to have
a good idea,
or have to go to the bathroom.
- Ooh!
Mae, doesn't your Mom work at a
crime lab?
- Now that's how you "ooh."
- Yeah, my Mom uses DNA
all the time
to prove all sorts of stuff.
- It sounds like this
Dee Ennay lady
is doing all the work.
Maybe we should
just go straight to her
and not waste our time
with Mae's Mom.
- No, DNA is contained
in every cell in the human body,
and it stores all the body's
biological information.
People who are related
will have similar DNA.
- Like we do.
- Exactly.
So if the Kramden Quads
aren't related,
their DNA will prove it.
- And since it's in every cell,
all you need to do is get
a little piece of them,
like sweat, hair,
or fingernails.
Ugh, spit or slobber
will work too.
- Ooh!
- Do you have an idea
of how to get that?
- Nope.
It's the other "ooh."
♪ ♪
- Now, remember,
put their DNA samples
in these bags.
- There they are.
- Ice cream limo, here we come.
- Hey, Kramdens.
Thanks so much for coming.
- Thanks for having us.
- Congrats on being
Abe's new faves.
- To celebrate,
we've invited you
to "Try It
Before You Buy It Day"
here at Tom's Get Sporty.
- Feel free to try out
anything you want in the store.
Grab stuff, touch stuff.
- Taste stuff.
Mae, lick a baseball.
Show 'em how it's done.
- No.
- We'll be around
if you have any questions.
Now go have fun!
♪ ♪
- Ow! Something tore a piece
of my fingernail off.
♪ ♪
- I got Lyle's ice cream
out of the limo.
- Nicky, you were supposed
to get the spoon.
- Oh, I got the spoon.
This is to celebrate.
♪ ♪
- Ah, those are
two good choices,
and there's only one way
to know for sure.
Go ahead.
You know you want to.
♪ ♪
Good choice.
♪ ♪
- This gum you gave me
tastes horrible.
Where can I get rid of it?
- Here.
- [spits]
- Yes, I got it.
Hey.
♪ ♪
- Ow!
What are you doing?
- Uh, fishing for compliments.
- Were you going to put my hair
in that bag?
- What bag?
- The one that says
"DNA Sample."
- Which stands for...
"Do Not Assume"
this is for a DNA sample.
- Why are you guys
collecting our DNA?
- Because we know you're
not real quadruplets,
and we're gonna prove it
to get our commercial back.
- Wow, we really used to
look up to you guys,
but you've stooped so low.
- You're a disgrace
to quads everywhere.
- I bet they're not even
real quads.
[all gasp]
- We're more real quads
than you are.
- Oh, yeah?
Prove it.
- Oh, we will.
We'll test your DNA
and ours,
and then we'll see who
the fraud quads really are.
♪ ♪
- [panting]
Great news, kids.
The Kramden Quads
dropped out of Honest Abe's
commercial.
- What?
- No time for questions.
Honest Abe wants you back!
- He does?
- I said
"no time for questions"!
Daddy needs some new tires,
so we got to get
back there pronto.
- No, but Tom, the kids
said they don't want
to do it anymore, remember?
- The man said "no questions."
Let's go!
[all speaking at once]
- Go, go, go, go, go, go!
- Why do you think the Kramdens
dropped out of the commercial?
- They must've known
we were onto them,
and they probably skipped town.
- I knew they were fake quads.
- Yeah, real quads
never run scared.
- Let's go!
[all scream]
- Let's go!
Let's go, let's go!
- [yells]
♪ ♪
- Honest Abe.
Thank you so much
for having us back.
We are so excited.
- Well, you're definitely
my second choice,
but at least you were available,
and I didn't have to
get those costumes cleaned.
- Have you ever considered
changing your name
to "Slightly Honest Abe"
and leaving some
of these details out?
- Hmm.
Let me try that.
Here, I didn't get these
from the trash.
Better?
- Yes.
Thank you.
- Ew.
These beards are dirty.
- Is this a blueberry?
- Ew, gross.
- So what if you got
a little blueberry
in your trash beards?
And so what if we didn't get
the limo or the ice cream?
We got what we wanted.
We're the Harper Quads again.
- Yeah.
- You're right.
- We're back!
- So you know
what I'm gonna do?
I'm gonna celebrate
by enjoying this blueberry.
[spits]
Not a blueberry.
- Mae, what are you doing here?
- I brought the DNA results,
and it's big.
- Yeah, we know already.
The Kramdens ran away
because they're not
really quads.
- They didn't run away.
They went full Denver.
- Wait, so where are they now?
- Denver.
- But then what about the DNA?
- Yeah, are they real quads
or not?
- Oh, they're real quads.
- So then what's the big news?
- Yeah.
- You're not.
- [gasps]
- [whistling]
- ♪ La la la la la la,
la la la la la ♪
- It's true.
One of us is not related
to the other three.
- But who?
- I don't know.
We didn't put labels
on our samples
because we assumed
we'd all be related.
- But we're not.
One of us is the odd quad out.
- I said it was big.
- But which one of us
isn't one of us?
- We need to get
to the bottom of this.
Mom, Dad,
How long did you think you could
keep it a secret from us?
- What are you talking about?
- We already know.
Just admit it.
- Fine.
I took some apples for later.
- No, not that.
- Fine.
It wasn't a typo.
My middle name really is Louise.
- We're talking about the secret
of one of us not being related
to the other three.
- Not related?
That's ridiculous.
- We have the DNA results
that prove we're not real quads.
- Well, there must be
some mistake.
- Maybe there was a mix-up
at the hospital.
There were a lot
of babies there.
Maybe Dad grabbed
the wrong one.
- No way.
I know what my babies
look like.
It's like these four apples.
- That one's a pear.
- Is it?
- Harper Quads to the set!
- Oh, come on, guys, that's you.
all: Is it?
♪ ♪
- Uh, Nicky, you're in my spot.
- No, this is my spot.
- Nicky's probably
the odd quad.
He does look different
from the rest of us.
And he loves pasta.
I wonder if he's Italian?
- Ah, grazie, mamma.
Mmm.
- I bet Dawn's the odd quad.
She's a girl.
We're all boys.
It's obviously her.
- Girls rule.
- I bet Ricky's the odd quad.
He thinks
he's so much smarter than us.
- No, thank you, mother.
I already know everything.
- I bet Dicky's the odd quad.
He eats shoe bologna.
- Sweet feet meat.
- Come on, guys.
- Yeah, hats and beards.
Let's go.
- Ah, there you go.
- Awesome.
- All right, quads.
Looking good.
And...
action!
- Four tires
and seven years ago...
- Our father bought a set
of all-weather radials
from Honest Abe's.
- Where you're guaranteed to get
four perfectly matching tires
that work in perfect harmony,
just like quads.
- Quads like us.
- Uh, but sometimes
three matching tires and one
completely unrelated tire
are good too.
- Cut!
Aw, I miss them Kramden Quads.
- Kids, are you okay?
- We can't do this, Dad.
We're not really family.
- [sighs]
Guys, I want you
to look at something.
- Wow, look at us,
back when we thought
we were all family.
- Okay, what do you think
family is?
- People who are
actually related?
- Is that all?
Look at those pictures.
- Hmm.
- Do you see any DNA up there?
- I don't.
All I see are is four kids
who came into this world
together,
who grew up together,
who argue about
everything together,
but at the end of the day,
they come back together
and they love each other.
- Now, if that's not family,
I don't know what is.
- Hey, guys.
I just got a text
from my Mom.
She retested the DNA samples,
and we found out which one
of you isn't related.
- You know what?
It doesn't matter anymore.
- We don't want to know.
- Because no matter what
that stupid DNA test says...
we are family.
- Absolutely.
But just out of curiosity.
- It's the one
who's part terrier.
- Wait, what?
- Huh?
- One of us is a dog?
- Well, I guess that explains
my adorable puppy-dog eyes.
- No, Dicky,
you're not part dog.
One of the samples
must have been contaminated.
- By Squishy!
- He's been chewing
on everything lately.
- [barking]
- See, you are all related,
just like we said.
- This is a real sweet
family moment,
but I got to be honest.
You four are out.
I'm going a whole new way.
Whoo!
[patriotic music]
Honest Abe's Tires.
For when the road gets...
- ♪ Na na na na na na
na na na na na na ♪
♪ Na na na na na na
na na na na na na ♪
[whistling]
♪ ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
- ♪ Yeah! ♪
- ♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
- ♪ Yeah! ♪