- Your card is...
The Six of Spades!
[all groan]
- It was the King of Hearts.
- That's what I said.
The King of Hearts.
- Impossible!
- Oh, stop.
Thank you.
- I know you're excited
to see me.
No applause necessary.
- It's not for you.
Tess, this is our sister, Dawn.
Tess is new.
- And wowsome.
That's wow and awesome.
I made it up.
- Impossible.
- Hi.
I see you've met my brothers.
I'll distract them,
you run for your life.
- Don't listen to her.
We're funtastic.
- You know what is else
is funtastic?
Dawn's shirt.
Talk about wowsome.
- My words are catching on.
I should publish
a Dicky-tionary.
- Wow, the Harper quadruplets
are officially
the coolest kids ever!
- Isn't she great?
- Wait.
What's this?
- Inconceivable!
- Five bucks
for the candy machine.
Hope everyone
likes nutty fudge bombs.
- She's perfect.
- She's radcredible.
- She's magic.
- She's got to go.
[upbeat music]
♪ ♪
- ♪ Hey! ♪
[whistling melody]
♪ ♪
♪ One, two, three, four ♪
[whistling melody]
♪ ♪
- ♪ Na, na, na, na, na-na ♪
♪ Na, na, na, na, na-na ♪
- ♪ One, two ♪
♪ One, two, three, four ♪
- What are you talking about?
Tess is perfect!
- Too perfect.
I'm telling you,
there's something up
with that girl.
- You also told me
when I was four
that a little man lived
in my butt
and cut my poops with a saw.
- [laughs]
You were scared to go
for like a month.
- I swear I could hear
him sawing!
- This is different
than Poop-Saw Man.
She's fooling you guys.
She's a total phony fake-face.
- Ooh, I hate fake-faces!
Who's a fake-face?
Is it that new girl
in the camping section?
'Cause I'm always like, "Hi!"
and she's always like--
- Uh, that's a mannequin.
- That explains
why she doesn't talk.
Or blink.
And smells like plastic.
- Well, you're wrong.
Tess is not a fake-face.
- Yes, she is.
Trust me,
my "chickstincts" are
never wrong.
- Our "dudestincts"
are saying they are.
- Hey, kiddos.
- Mom, back me up here.
We met this new girl at school
and she's totally evil.
- She's not evil.
- I'm telling you,
Tess is not what she seems.
I mean,
she likes all four of us.
Nobody likes all four of us.
- Your Dad and I like
all four of you.
- We do?
Just yesterday you said--
hey, look over there!
It's something to look at!
- Uh, Dad,
we can see you.
- Ah.
That's because I am not hiding,
I am looking for something
I dropped earlier.
- You know, sweetie,
maybe you just
need to give this Tess girl
a chance.
- Ah, found 'em!
[chuckles]
You know, Mom's right.
You're just blowing
this out of proportion.
I mean, nobody is evil.
- Hello, Thomas.
- Evil!
- Kids,
this is Rod "Dinna-ma-tey."
- It's pronounced "Dynamite."
as in, "Rod is...
Dynamite." boom.
- Pleasure to meet--
- [gibberish]
Rod is my old nemesis.
We used to compete
against each other on the ice.
And yes, I know
my pants are down.
- Cool, you guys played hockey?
- Better.
We were ice dancers.
- Instead of sticks and pucks,
we scored
with sequins and pizzazz!
- Before you kids were born,
your father and I
were one dance away from
becoming national champions.
- [chuckles]
- It was a glorious time.
Your mom was the best ice dancer
in the world,
and I had the best
ice dancing hair in the world,
but then it all changed...
[cheers and applause]
From the minute I met Rod,
I knew there was something
wrong with that dude.
There is something wrong
with that dude.
[cheers and applause]
Rod and Tiffany knew
they couldn't beat us,
for we were...
The Dancing Harpers!
[cheers and applause]
♪ ♪
We were about to unveil,
for the first time ever,
the incredibly dangerous
"Lady-twirl."
Now, normally,
the man twirls the woman,
but we were about to break
the ice ceiling
by having your mother twirl
me.
- Yes, yes.
- We were lady-twirling our way
to ice dancing history.
Whee!
Until--
- Yes! Ah!
- Oh!
- [whimpers]
- Ahh!
[grunts]
[crowd gasps]
Ahh! Ahh!
Story over.
Pants coming up.
- You're a ch'liar.
That's a cheater and a liar.
- It's in the Dicky-tionary!
- Look it up!
- Hey, hey, hey.
There's no need to name-call.
The Harpers always
take the high road.
- Hi-dee-hi, Harpers!
- Ch'liar!
- Ahh!
All right, Dynamite.
What do you want?
- Well, can't one ice dancer
visit another ice dancer
just to say hi?
- No.
- Well, then can one ice dancer
let another ice dancer know
that they're opening up
their own sporting goods store
down the street that's gonna
put the second ice dancer
out of business?
- All right, that you can do.
[chuckles]
Wait, what?
- And boom goes the Dynamite.
Tiffany?
- Yeah, well,
two can play at that game!
Anne!
- It's--it's okay.
I don't think he saw it.
- Oh, I saw it,
and I also saw these socks.
Rod likey.
Rod takey.
- [grunts]
That's it.
He took my hair,
he took my pride,
he took those tube socks,
but he's not gonna take
my business.
- Now, who wants to help
mommy and Daddy
obliterate
the evil enemy?
You know,
in a high road kind of way.
All: I do!
- Anne, get me
my sellin' skates.
It's time to put
the competition on ice.
[phone ringing]
- Speaking of evil, I'm getting
fake-timed by the fake-face.
Well, I can do
a fake-face too.
Hey, nutty fudge bomb!
- No, you're
the nutty fudge bomb!
- No, you are!
I hate her.
What's up, buddy?
- Well, your brother said
you were struggling in Math,
so I thought I'd come over
and help you study
for tomorrow's test.
I'll bring tacos!
- Sounds great!
Bye!
Ugh, tacos?
Seriously?
- But you love tacos.
- I know!
She's evil.
- How'd the math test go?
- I got an A.
- Hey, "quadresties."
that's quadruplet besties.
- She's almost completely
fluent in Dicky.
- So what are you guys
doing after school?
- We're brainstorming ideas
to help boost sales
at our parents' store.
You know,
grown-up business stuff.
- And then we're gonna
ride bikes!
- Well, if you guys really
want to help boost business,
you should make
a commercial for the store.
- That's sweet, Tess,
but between the brainstorming
and the bike riding,
I don't think we have the
time.
- Don't be silly.
We can do it right now.
Okay, each of you tell me
why your Dad's store
is the best store ever.
- Shopping at Tom's Get Sporty
will show you why
it stinks to shop
at our competitors.
- Lights, camera, love it!
- You love that?
Love this.
Get Sporty rocks!
All those other stores?
What a joke.
- Handsome and talented.
Nicky?
- Give me a second
to warm up the lips.
Box of biscuits.
[shudders]
You've had the worst.
Now shop at the best!
- Goose bumps.
Dawn?
- No, I can't.
I'm sorry, I'm not buying it.
- Not buying what?
- I'm not buying any of it!
You're up to something and
I'm gonna find out what it is.
- Can I do another take
with my shirt off?
- What is gonna
draw in customers?
Think big!
- Ooh!
We could adopt
a family of monkeys
to work the cash registers.
- Smaller.
- Little monkeys?
- Mom! Dad!
Where are you?
- What's up?
- We found a way for you
the beat the Dynamites.
- Ugh!
"Dinna-ma-teys."
- By making a commercial
for our store.
- Oh, a commercial.
I'll book the monkeys.
Hey, uh, Carl, project...
[imitating chimp]
is a go.
- No, Dad.
We already shot the commercial.
- Oh, yeah.
Uh...
Sorry, Carl.
I know I promised
this would never happen again,
but it happened again.
Carl?
- When did you guys
shoot a commercial?
- Today at school
with our friend, Tess.
Who is not evil.
- And doesn't want
anything from us.
- And is the best director
I've ever worked with.
- Wow.
Is it possible
my chickstincts were wrong?
That Tess' face
really isn't fake?
- Oh, hi.
You caught me pulling up
my tube socks.
I'm ice dancing champion,
Rod Dynamite...
And welcome
to my new sporting goods store,
Get Sporty...
[voice echoing] Er! Er! Er!
- That place looks
just like our store!
- Why Get Sporty
when you Get Sporty-er?
[voice echoing]
Er! Er!
Don't believe me?
Then listen to my competitor's
own children.
- Tom's Get Sporty--
what a joke.
- Tom's Get Sporty--
stinks.
- Box of biscuits.
Box of biscuits.
- I guess that's what they sell
over at Tom's Get Sporty.
And Dawn, what do you think
about those overpriced items
at your Dad's store?
- I'm not buying any of it!
- And neither should you!
So come on down
to Get Sporty-er!
[voice echoing]
Er! Er!
- [growls]
- Owned and operated
by ice dancing champions,
Rod Dynamite...
- Tiffany Dynamite,
and our beautiful daughter...
- Tess Dynamite!
- Yes!
I was right!
She's a total fake-face!
Whoo-hoo!
This is such a personal victory!
And a huge loss for the
family.
- That's it.
He crossed the line.
He used my kids
and my tube socks against me.
- Don't worry, Tom.
I know what to do.
Now, where can I get my hands
on some Dinna-ma-tey?
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What happened to "Harpers always
take the high road"?
- Oh, the high road
is closed for construction,
but the low road
is wide open, baby.
- Maybe for them,
but my chickstincts tell me
that we're better than that,
and as you all know,
my chickstincts are never wrong.
Say it with me.
All: Dawn's chickstincts
are never wrong.
- And that's my new ring tone.
All: Dawn's chickstincts
are never wrong.
- Ahh, it's the little things.
♪ ♪
- By the way...
[sniffs]
I know you're a mannequin.
Oh! Ha!
[babbling]
- Oh, I finally got my monkey!
[chuckles]
- [laughs]
- Ladies and gentlemen,
customers of all ages!
Introducing something you
won't find at the less-er store.
Get Sporty's new
in-store zip-line!
[cheers and applause]
- Thank you, thank you.
You're so kind.
[chuckles]
All right, here we go!
Ah! Ahh! Ahh!
Ahh! Oh!
- Oh!
Ooh, ooh, ooh.
- Are you--oh!
- [whimpers like a chimp]
- It looks like
all they're doing over here
is monkey-ing around.
Now who's ready to do
some serious savings,
down at Get Sporty-er?
[all chattering]
- Dinna-ma-tey!
Whoa!
- Oh, Tom!
- That's it.
It's low road time.
- This is the end
of the yellow brick Rod.
Shop away, my pretties!
- Welcome!
So how'd it go, Ice Man?
- Like taking candy
from a big, bald baby.
- I can't believe they actually
thought I was their friend.
Seriously?
Who could possibly like
all of them?
- Huh.
- Or any of them?
[laughter]
All: [sigh]
- Oh, now what?
Dawn, I am so, so sorry.
- Don't "I'm so, so sorry" me,
fake-face.
You're gonna pay
for what you've done.
Wow, this place looks
exactly like my parents' store.
- Okay, I know
you won't believe me,
but my Dad stole my phone
to make his mean old commercial.
I had nothing to do with it.
- [scoffs]
Give me a break.
- Oh, can we please just
sit down and talk about it?
- I don't want to sit down
and talk about-- you have
massage chairs?
- Dawn, your friendship
is super important.
You have to believe me.
- Well, I don't believe--
y--
[humming]
Ooh-ahh.
No, you're lying.
- I would never lie
to my quadrestie.
You're so stressed.
- Well, I'm sorry,
but I just can't--
what is happening
to my face?
- Well...
- Goose.
- Guys, good news.
Turns out Tess
is completely innocent.
Both: What?
- Ugh, out of polish.
B-r-b!
- Can't w-a-i-t!
- What happened
to your chickstincts?
- Oh, they're working.
Quaddle up.
I know she's not innocent.
I'm only here to dig up dirt
on Get Sporty-er
so we can destroy them.
- Oh.
- Fake-face thinks she can
fake her way to victory?
Two can play at that game.
- No, four can.
[vibrating]
- Oh, or three.
You guys got this, right?
♪ ♪
- Oh, here you go.
How you feeling, honey?
- Horrible.
- Oh.
- First he took my hair,
now he took my smile.
He's a monster!
- Mom! Dad!
We found a way
to beat out Get Sporty-er!
You know those recalled cans
of tennis balls
you sent back to China
last month?
- The ones that explode
at 100 degrees?
- Rod's selling them.
- So all we have to do is tell
everybody Rod sells dangerous
balls.
Then, they'll come back
to our store.
- Look kids, I appreciate it.
[all shudder]
But it's over.
When you fight someone
who plays dirty,
the only way to win
is to not fight.
- So tomorrow,
after the dentist--
We are going to the dentist.
Then we're going
to Get Sporty-er
to tell Rod and Tiffany
that they've won.
Then we can just
get on with our lives
and no one else has to get hurt.
I've already lost
enough of your Dad.
I don't want us
to lose anymore.
- [wincing]
- Oh.
Ooh!
- Oh!
- I can't believe
they're just giving up.
- They might be, but we aren't.
- What a dump.
This store is horrible.
- It looks just like ours.
- It's horrible!
Sorry.
Let's take the ice, hon.
- Okay, you guys ready?
All: Ready.
- Go.
- Now, I am humbled
to introduce,
all the way
from Washington, D.C.,
Get Sporty-er's
most powerful customer
and my close,
personal friend...
President Barack Obama.
[cheers and applause]
- Boom.
Look-alike.
Well, well.
Lookie here.
Keep the cameras on
for this one, boys.
It's gonna be a doozy.
- [clears throat]
Uh, Rod, Tiffany.
Uh, Mr. President.
Um...
Uh, we just came here today
to say...
- No, you can do it, go.
- Okay.
- You win.
- Sorry, I couldn't hear
that through the hair.
- [sighs]
You win!
[teeth dropping on the floor]
Both: [gasp]
Sweetie, I would appreciate
if you picked up my teeth.
- Of course.
Here.
- Thank you.
- Now, can we please just agree
that this town is big enough for
two sporting goods stores?
- Deal?
- Deal.
Ha!
- No!
Dynamites don't deal.
Tiff?
Ahh.
- Dad, why's it getting
so hot in here?
- It must be
from the scorching hot deals
here at Get Sporty-er!
Am I right?
- Or because you guys
just got burned.
- What's he doing
next to my thermostat?
- Probably the same thing
that he's doing.
And him.
And me, when I set that one
to 100 degrees.
Get your cameras ready
for this one, boys.
It'd gonna be even doozy-er.
- No.
[tennis balls exploding]
[people screaming]
- I love you, kids!
[balls exploding]
[people screaming]
- Cover me, fake Obama!
- [screams]
[all screaming]
Ew, your hair!
[screams]
- [screams]
- Ew, your face!
- Oh!
It's the heat!
I'm melting!
[sobs]
- Now, that's a fake-face.
- Oh!
- [sizzle]
- [laughs]
- You win.
- I'm--I'm sorry.
I couldn't hear you
over the glare.
[laughs]
Wow, you did not age well.
Dancing Harpers.
[upbeat music]
- ♪ ♪
[whistling melody]
♪ ♪
- [vocalizing]
♪ Yeah! ♪
[vocalizing]
- ♪ Yeah! ♪
- ♪