♪♪
(Man)
So, drop that taco 'cause
it's time for "Toilet Wars."
(Piper)
Come on, please? Just do it.
(Henry)
No.
Why not?
Piper, I said no and
no means no, okay?
I don't have time
for this, okay?
Why not?
I have a girlfriend.
I have a job.
What are you talking about?
(yelling all at once)
(screaming)
Dad, will you talk to him?
Look what I'm painting.
It's called a "g'nome".
It's gorgeous.
Now will you please tell Henry
that he should coach
my basketball team?
The Woodpeckers
need a new coach?
Yes.
I'll do it.
No. Gross.
We want you.
Oh.
No.
(doorbell rings)
I'll get it.
Henry.
I have to pay attention to
the opening of our front door.
(laughs)
Sushi Dushi.
Hey.
Uh, I think I left
my wallet upstairs.
Well, go get it.
Right.
Hey.
Yo. Sushi guy.
Yeah, what's up?
Can you believe
I have a brother
who refuses to coach
my basketball team?
Piper, this guy doesn't
care about us
or your basketball team.
Actually, I care very much.
See? He cares.
Why do you care?
(laughs)
Well, because my kid brother,
Ricky, when he was ten,
he asked me to coach
his little league baseball team.
But I said I was too busy,
like a fool.
Dad, the sushi guy's waiting!
So, what happened?
Ricky quit baseball.
Then, when he turned 18,
he became a bull fighter.
Okay, see? That's exciting.
Things turned out good.
No. Because on Ricky's very
first bull fight, he got gored.
(Piper)
Oh my gosh, is he okay?
Eh, he's sort of okay.
As long as he's not
sitting down.
Or standing up.
(laughs)
Poor kid.
Oh, why didn't
I just say yes
when he asked me
to coach his team?
(laughs)
(blows whistle)
Come on, Woodpeckers!
Show me some hustle!
What's that,
a taco salad?
Yeah.
Okay, now let's see a lay-up!
(Kids)
What?
What's a lay-up?
(laughs)
(blows whistle)
Catch!
(grunts)
Whoa!
(grunting)
(groaning)
Aw.
Dang it.
Why would you put your taco
salad right where I'm sitting?
(laughs)
It all just kind of happened.
My dad was
an irresponsible scientist.
I wanted an after-school job.
(Captain Man)
And by accident,
he made me indestructible.
Ah!
(Henry)
I went into this crazy store
and met
a pretty interesting guy.
I'm going to blow your mind.
Now I protect
the good citizens of Swellview
who call me...
(Henry)
And he turned out to be...
You know the name.
Captain Man!
That's right, Henry.
In time, I realized
that being a superhero
is a lot to handle alone.
He wanted some help.
(Captain Man)
I needed a sidekick.
(Henry)
I, Henry hart...
(Captain Man)
Pledge to never ever ever...
tell anyone...
That I'm Captain Man's
secret sidekick.
It is done.
(Henry)
Now we blow bubbles.
(Captain Man)
And fight crime.
(Henry)
Feels good.
♪♪
Call it.
Up the tube!
Oh, my boot.
(Captain Man)
Ha!
(alarm beeping)
We're back.
Hey.
How was your camping trip?
Oh, it was so much fun.
I went swimming
in Lake Swellview.
Yeah. Which would've
been great
if he'd brought
a swimsuit.
(laughs)
What's wrong
with swimming naked?
You were scaring the fish.
(laughs)
I'm going to my room
and shave off my beard.
(laughing)
You call that a beard?
Yeah. What else
would I call this?
You could call it
a face bush.
(laughs)
I'm just saying this is
the start of a real man's beard.
Pish.
I can grow more hair on my rump
than you can grow on your face.
Your rump is no match
for my face.
All right, boys, let's not
go getting all stupid.
You guys should have
a beard battle.
Yes.
Dude.
Six weeks.
Whoever grows
the biggest beard wins.
And the loser has to...
Eat the winner's beard hair.
(laughing)
It's a bet.
No, no, see, I said don't
go getting all stupid.
(laughs)
(Henry)
Okay.
You guys are the Woodpeckers.
And everyone says you're
the worst team in the league.
(applause)
No, no, no.
See, no, that's a bad thing.
(laughs)
See, you just have
to practice hard
and have a winning attitude
in order to not be the worst.
So, what's our goal?
To get less worse?
Sure, okay, I'll take that.
(laughs)
Come on, guys.
Let's get...
(Kids)
Less worse?
Louder. Let's get...
(Kids)
Less worse.
Let's get...
(Kids)
Less worse!
On your feet! Everybody up!
Let's get...
(Kids)
Less worse!
Let's get...
(Kids)
Less worse!
Let's get...
(kids)
Less worse!
(Henry)
Let's get...
(Kids)
Less worse!
(blows whistle)
(Henry)
Yeah.
Be maniacs.
Maniacs on the floor.
(blows whistle)
(laughs)
(grunts)
(grunting)
(blows whistle)
Sophie!
(blows whistle)
Piper!
Woo!
(grunts)
Perfect!
(blows whistle)
Come on, Woodpeckers!
Be maniacs!
Be maniacs on the floor!
Boom!
(Girl)
Yeah!
(grunts)
Time out, time out, time out.
Whistle!
(blows whistle)
Time out Woodpeckers!
Okay, what's wrong
with you guys?
We're only down by three.
Well, you'd be winning
if you'd listen
to what I keep telling you.
Now, Jacob, you got
to protect the ball, all right?
(Jacob)
Okay.
And Hannah,
when we have the ball,
you can't just stand there.
Get open.
Got it.
Now, Piper, you got
to quit being lazy
on defense, all right?
Move your feet.
(horn blares)
(Jasper)
Whistle!
(blows whistle)
Woodpeckers, take the floor!
All right, get out there
and make me proud!
Let's go!
Hey! Woodpecker parents!
I want to see you get up
and make some noise
for your kids!
Come on!
(cheers and applause)
(Jasper)
Whistle!
(blows whistle)
(cheers)
♪♪
Yeah!
Piper, steal it!
No, no, no!
That basket! That basket!
(cheering)
(horn blares)
(cheers and applause)
Uh...hello?
Hello, Henry.
Hi. I got a message
telling me to come here.
We sent
the message.
We know.
We're the board.
The board?
The Swellview Tween
Athletic Board.
STAB.
(laughs)
We're in charge of
the junior basketball league.
Please, sit down.
Is it okay if I just stand?
We prefer you sit.
(laughs)
Could I have a bigger chair?
(All)
No.
(laughs)
Did... did I really do
something wrong?
Well, we don't like
the word "wrong."
But yes.
You did
something wrong.
Come on,
Woodpeckers!
Be maniacs!
Maniacs on the floor!
Boom!
Yeah?
You can't shout
at children like that.
It could cause them
to feel bad about themselves.
But they didn't feel bad.
They won, and they were
really excited about it.
Show him
the other thing.
Hey!
Woodpecker parents!
I want to see you get up
and make some noise
for your kids!
Come on!
I... I don't get it.
(laughs)
Clearly.
Henry, you were urging
the parents to cheer
for their children.
Loudly.
So?
Well, when they're cheering
for their own children,
that could make the other
children feel less than.
(laughs)
I...
I was just trying to teach
the kids to play better and win.
Well, that's not
what a good coach does.
I think it is.
The goal is for all the children
to have the exact
same experience.
So, please, no more
shouting or criticizing.
Only say nice
positive things.
All right, got it.
And no more encouraging
the parents to hoot and holler.
(laughs)
So...
the parents can't cheer
for their own kids?
Correct.
But they can applaud softly.
Like this.
Okay.
Thank you
for your time.
(laughs)
(elevator dings)
(chatter)
(Ray)
I told you
that poor crazy girl.
(laughing)
Schwoz!
Ah!
(laughs)
Hi. Hey there.
Hey.
Cheater.
You're a dirty cheater.
Why is he a cheater?
That machine
is a B.E.D.
A beard enhancement device.
(laughs)
No it's not.
I swear.
I swear to the gods it's not.
I swear on my life.
I swear on Charlotte's life.
I'm telling the truth.
No, you're lying.
Ah, so what?
(laughs)
You listen to me,
you fuzzy little cheater, I--
Hey!
Nobody said there was a rule
against using beard
enhancement devices.
Ha!
Oh, oh, oh, okay.
Okay. Fine.
I thought we were gonna
have a fair and natural
beard growing contest,
but since we're not, maybe
I'll just use this thing myself.
Hey, get out
of my machine.
Hey.
No.
(Ray)
What? I'm using it.
Hey. Come on.
No.
Here we go.
Ah!
No, not the beard.
Whistle!
(blows whistle)
Traveling!
Armadillo's ball!
(Henry)
Come on, Jacob!
I told you
a thousand times that...
(clears throat)
That...
that you're doing terrific!
(laughing)
Just like all you kids.
You're all equal and terrific
no matter what you do.
(laughs)
(cheering)
Yeah!
(cheering)
(horn blaring)
That's the game!
Woodpeckers win!
(Henry)
Yeah, nice shot.
You guys did it.
You beat the best team
in the league.
I think that makes us
the best team in the league.
(Kids)
Yeah.
(talking all at once)
(Henry)
Yeah we are.
And Sophie,
you were our high scorer.
I was?
Yep.
And that means you get...
this.
Wow.
Awesome trophy, Sophie.
(Henry)
Great job, kid.
I'm really proud of you.
(laughs)
(Ms. Weiner)
Henry, I assume
you know the problem.
Yeah.
You always freeze frame
on my face looking hideous.
You gave that little girl
a trophy.
So?
So, you gave her
special attention
that the other children
didn't get.
That's disgusting.
(laughs)
Why? That's Sophie.
She's been practicing
harder than anyone.
And she was the best player.
No, all the children
were the best players.
Don't you see?
I really don't.
Henry, please, just admit
that what you did was terrible.
It was disgusting.
Okay, so,
what do you want me to do?
Take the cool trophy away
from the sweet little girl,
and give everyone a trophy?
Congratulations, Jacob.
You get
this participation award.
(laughs)
Congratulations, Piper.
Yeah, thanks.
This means so much.
(laughs)
Sorry, Sophie.
I'm going to have to
take that back from you.
But why?
Apparently it's disgusting.
(laughs)
(Ray)
Hey.
(Schwoz)
Hello.
(laughs)
The...
beard enhancement device
works really well.
(laughs)
Also, you dribbled
on your sweater.
(laughs)
Jasper?
What are you
doing up there?
I'm lowering this basket.
Lowering the--
Why?
She told me if I didn't,
the board would take away
my whistle.
(laughs)
Hey, what's going on?
(laughs)
You brought the tiny chair?
(laughs)
Your Woodpeckers
have become a problem.
They've been scoring
too many points.
So we're lowering the basket
for the other teams
to make the
game fair.
Oh my God.
Henry, our job
as decent adults
is to make sure
that no child ever loses.
Or feels bad.
But don't you get it?
Sometimes it's good
when a kid loses and feels bad.
Oh my God.
No he didn't.
That's disgusting.
No, no, see,
the Woodpeckers used
to lose and feel bad
but that's what made them
want to practice harder
and get better,
and now they're winning
and feel great.
Don't you see?
Sometimes kids need
to experience failure
in order to grow
and learn how to be--
(laughs)
(Jasper)
Hey! Who turned off the--
(crash)
(thud)
(laughs)
I'll find another boy
to lower the basket.
Beard contest.
Dumbest thing I ever heard.
(elevator dings)
(Ray)
Hey, Charlotte.
Hi, Charlotte.
All right, I'm ready to...
Notice anything different?
Yeah, what happened
to your beards?
Well, they were
too long and itchy.
Yeah, so uncomfortable.
Yeah, that whole beard
contest thing was a stupid idea.
So stupid.
Oh, really?
But you know that woman,
Vasilla, who knows how to knit?
No.
Well, she's a woman.
And we had her
make you... this.
(Both)
Ta da.
It's a sweater.
Made from our
beard hair.
Thank you so much.
(cheering)
Time out! Time out! Time out!
Whistle!
(blows whistle)
Time out, Woodpeckers!
Come on, we can't give up.
This game isn't even fair.
(talking all at once)
Yeah, you're right.
This game isn't fair.
So, we could just give up
and go home.
(chatter)
No, no, no.
Wait, wait, wait.
No, no. I was just taking
a dramatic pause.
(laughs)
Okay, what are you saying?
I'm saying...
Piper, quit playing so lazy.
When you're on defense,
keep your hands up.
Okay.
All right, Tyler, Hannah,
you got to play smarter.
If you don't have a clear shot,
pass the ball like I taught you.
Got it, Coach.
(Henry)
All right, Sophie,
I want to see you hustling up
and down this court
or tomorrow you're running laps.
You hear me?
Yeah, Coach.
All right, and Steve,
put the taco salad down.
(laughs)
(Jasper)
Whistle!
(blows whistle)
All right, get out there
and be the best!
(cheering)
And you, Woodpecker parents,
get off your aging butts
and cheer for your kids.
(cheers and applause)
Yeah!
Let's go!
(horn blaring)
(cheers and applause)
You've got a lot of nerve,
Henry Hart.
Thanks.
(laughs)
And I got you guys
something, too.
Congratulations,
you get this useless award.
(laughs)
Congratulations,
you get this pointless award.
(laughs)
Congratulations,
you get this disgusting award.
(laughs)
Bleh, la, la, la, la.
See you, STAB.
(laughs)
Hey, you guys won.
I know.
Well, come on, I'll take
you and your team
and Charlotte
out to celebrate.
Okay.
Where's Charlotte?
She--
Charlotte?
Charlotte!
(laughs)
What are you wearing?
Beard hair.
(makes goofy noises)
(laughs)
That's disgusting.
♪♪
(oven bell)
Mmm...