1 00:00:01,517 --> 00:00:03,310 Hmm, hmm, hmm 2 00:00:03,344 --> 00:00:05,241 Hey, Boonie! Boone -- Nigga, put that down! 3 00:00:05,275 --> 00:00:06,551 That's for company. 4 00:00:06,586 --> 00:00:08,689 You act like I live here. I am company. 5 00:00:08,724 --> 00:00:11,344 Nigga, you ain't company. You family, hear? 6 00:00:11,379 --> 00:00:13,724 Family is something you put up with 7 00:00:13,758 --> 00:00:16,034 'cause they're fucking family. 8 00:00:16,068 --> 00:00:19,034 Shalinka, Mr. Lloyd. -Howdy-doo. 9 00:00:19,068 --> 00:00:22,241 Something ain't right. Your mama pouring me a drink. 10 00:00:22,275 --> 00:00:24,827 She ain't never treated me like company, Boone. 11 00:00:24,862 --> 00:00:27,689 Oh, there's all sorts of company. 12 00:00:27,724 --> 00:00:31,034 Invited company, "Who are them niggas over there?" company, 13 00:00:31,068 --> 00:00:35,172 and, "Damn, woman, you got a thick ass" company. 14 00:00:35,206 --> 00:00:36,206 I know this nigga didn't just 15 00:00:36,241 --> 00:00:37,724 say something 'bout my mama -- 16 00:00:37,758 --> 00:00:38,724 Yeah, I sure did. 17 00:00:38,758 --> 00:00:41,413 Now that I'm sober, when I see a thick ass, 18 00:00:41,448 --> 00:00:45,413 I tend to take notice. Heh, heh. 19 00:00:45,448 --> 00:00:47,034 Nigga, you better not. 20 00:00:47,068 --> 00:00:48,655 Oooh-whoo! 21 00:00:48,689 --> 00:00:56,034 ♪♪ 22 00:00:56,068 --> 00:01:03,413 ♪♪ 23 00:01:03,448 --> 00:01:05,310 Ms. Tudi, could you please tell us 24 00:01:05,344 --> 00:01:09,586 what was so important for us to be here? 25 00:01:09,620 --> 00:01:13,034 You are about to find out. Ha! 26 00:01:13,068 --> 00:01:14,655 -What is she up to? -I don't know. 27 00:01:14,689 --> 00:01:16,068 Hey! Come on in. 28 00:01:16,103 --> 00:01:19,827 So, everyone, this is Phil Closterfawk. 29 00:01:19,862 --> 00:01:20,724 Osterfawk. 30 00:01:20,758 --> 00:01:23,241 You work for child support, don't you? 31 00:01:23,275 --> 00:01:27,103 Now, Phil makes amazing TV shows. 32 00:01:27,137 --> 00:01:33,034 And, get this, he wants us to star in one. 33 00:01:33,068 --> 00:01:34,586 We get to fight some zombies? 34 00:01:34,620 --> 00:01:38,517 Or swing swords with hot babes in tunics? 35 00:01:38,551 --> 00:01:42,206 Nigga, what's your dumb ass know about a damn tunic? 36 00:01:42,241 --> 00:01:43,482 Hey, I know they look good 37 00:01:43,517 --> 00:01:45,655 with them skinny white bitches with sandals 38 00:01:45,689 --> 00:01:48,034 on when they be flying on them dragons. 39 00:01:48,068 --> 00:01:50,103 You know, as awesome as that sounds -- 40 00:01:50,137 --> 00:01:51,655 and that does sound awesome -- 41 00:01:51,689 --> 00:01:54,413 what I do is much more, uh, grounded. It's down-to-earth. 42 00:01:54,448 --> 00:01:56,206 I don't know if you guys have seen 43 00:01:56,241 --> 00:01:58,482 "Real Police Wives of Simi Valley," 44 00:01:58,517 --> 00:02:00,206 uh, "Hip Hop Hussies," 45 00:02:00,241 --> 00:02:01,034 "Lesbian Lockdown". 46 00:02:01,068 --> 00:02:04,034 That's -- Hey. Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! 47 00:02:04,068 --> 00:02:08,551 So he want us to make a ratchet-ass reality TV show? 48 00:02:08,586 --> 00:02:10,689 -Hey, it sounds good. -Doesn't it, Boonie? 49 00:02:10,724 --> 00:02:14,034 I mean, come on, Shalinka. Who can be more ratchet than us? 50 00:02:14,068 --> 00:02:17,172 When it come to ratchet, we got that shit on lock. 51 00:02:17,206 --> 00:02:19,344 Ms. Tudi, I don't even know what your ghetto, 52 00:02:19,379 --> 00:02:22,758 criminally-minded ass is even talking about right now. 53 00:02:22,793 --> 00:02:25,724 I agree with her. I'm not going to exploit myself 54 00:02:25,758 --> 00:02:28,068 for the entertainment of the people 55 00:02:28,103 --> 00:02:30,068 unless I get a chance to kill me some zombies! 56 00:02:30,103 --> 00:02:33,068 Those shows make folks look stupid. 57 00:02:33,103 --> 00:02:34,206 [ Crickets chirping ] 58 00:02:34,241 --> 00:02:36,068 They also make people very rich. 59 00:02:36,103 --> 00:02:40,344 By season three, you could each be making $20,000 per episode. 60 00:02:40,379 --> 00:02:42,517 -What?! -$20,000. Tell 'em. 61 00:02:42,551 --> 00:02:45,172 Mother fuck a zombie! 62 00:02:45,206 --> 00:02:47,103 -Ohh! -[ Laughs ] 63 00:02:47,137 --> 00:02:48,379 There's just one little hitch. 64 00:02:48,413 --> 00:02:51,137 You need to convince Jesus to be on the show. 65 00:02:51,172 --> 00:02:56,103 Damn. Aw. What the fuck Osterfawk? 66 00:02:57,137 --> 00:02:59,206 Boonie: And we all get to live in a fly crib 67 00:02:59,241 --> 00:03:02,655 where you basically mentor us on how to be better people. 68 00:03:02,689 --> 00:03:05,241 That sound like the business I do already, Boonie. 69 00:03:05,275 --> 00:03:06,689 But our crib ain't fly. 70 00:03:06,724 --> 00:03:08,655 All I'm saying, man, is all these shows do 71 00:03:08,689 --> 00:03:10,241 is just make people look stupid. 72 00:03:10,275 --> 00:03:12,241 Jesus, I know this looks shady, 73 00:03:12,275 --> 00:03:13,689 but if we do this show, 74 00:03:13,724 --> 00:03:16,206 it could put Boonlinka and Boon-boon through college. 75 00:03:16,241 --> 00:03:20,103 Oh! Mm-hmm.I don't want them to end up like their daddy. 76 00:03:20,551 --> 00:03:22,034 Amen. 77 00:03:22,068 --> 00:03:23,241 Hey, Nessa. 78 00:03:23,275 --> 00:03:25,344 Hey, what you think about this whole reality-show thing? 79 00:03:25,379 --> 00:03:27,586 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Why are you asking her? 80 00:03:27,620 --> 00:03:30,344 Because she's the only one that never asks for shit. 81 00:03:30,379 --> 00:03:31,689 But she got a big nipple. 82 00:03:31,724 --> 00:03:33,517 But she ain't got nothing else to gain. 83 00:03:33,551 --> 00:03:35,413 That's why I know she gonna tell the truth. 84 00:03:35,448 --> 00:03:37,206 Nessa, what you think about that, mama? 85 00:03:37,241 --> 00:03:39,551 I know it can be some trifling nonsense, 86 00:03:39,586 --> 00:03:42,586 but this may be good to get your Pops' word out in a big way. 87 00:03:42,620 --> 00:03:44,655 I mean, you can't just be getting the word out 88 00:03:44,689 --> 00:03:47,689 with sermons on the damn Mount no more, Jesus. 89 00:03:47,724 --> 00:03:50,724 You need the media if you want to be heard. 90 00:03:50,758 --> 00:03:54,724 Word. Word. That's right. That's right. Thank you. 91 00:03:54,758 --> 00:03:58,206 I guess it would get Pops' word out way faster. 92 00:03:58,241 --> 00:04:01,068 -That's right, man. -Yeah. 93 00:04:01,103 --> 00:04:02,827 You know what? I'ma do it. 94 00:04:02,862 --> 00:04:06,206 -God damn! -That's what we trying to say. 95 00:04:06,241 --> 00:04:08,172 -Yes! -Hallelujah. 96 00:04:08,206 --> 00:04:12,724 But only if it don't become the same ratchet bullshit. 97 00:04:12,758 --> 00:04:13,862 I'm not doing ratchet. 98 00:04:13,896 --> 00:04:17,551 At the first sign of ratchet-ivity, I'm out the door. 99 00:04:17,586 --> 00:04:21,344 ♪♪ 100 00:04:21,379 --> 00:04:23,379 I'm pretty sure this some ratchet bullshit, Ms. Tudi. 101 00:04:23,413 --> 00:04:26,413 Jesus, listen, don't mess up my first day of co-producing. 102 00:04:26,448 --> 00:04:29,310 I mean, you look like... the beautiful one. 103 00:04:29,344 --> 00:04:32,068 No, I look like Prince's sofa, Ms. Tudi. 104 00:04:32,103 --> 00:04:37,206 You look great. So let's go crazy! Right? 105 00:04:37,241 --> 00:04:39,068 Come on, Jesus. Give it a chance. 106 00:04:39,103 --> 00:04:41,241 Check out your new digs. 107 00:04:41,275 --> 00:04:44,034 This is not "Purple Rain." This is purple pain. 108 00:04:44,068 --> 00:04:47,206 But if the show is called "The Real Jesus of Compton," 109 00:04:47,241 --> 00:04:49,068 shouldn't it be shot in Compton? 110 00:04:49,103 --> 00:04:50,310 Compton is a shit hole. 111 00:04:50,344 --> 00:04:53,172 Yes, Compton is a shit hole that a whole lot of honest, 112 00:04:53,206 --> 00:04:54,689 Pops-fearin' folks call home. 113 00:04:54,724 --> 00:04:57,310 -Ugh. -Well, technically we are in Compton. 114 00:04:57,344 --> 00:05:00,413 We're calling this Compton Manor. 115 00:05:01,758 --> 00:05:03,724 Man... 116 00:05:03,758 --> 00:05:06,206 I don't say this often, but holy shit. 117 00:05:06,241 --> 00:05:09,172 Told you. I told you. 118 00:05:09,206 --> 00:05:16,034 ♪♪ 119 00:05:16,068 --> 00:05:18,758 I'd like to welcome you to "The Real Jesus of Compton." 120 00:05:18,793 --> 00:05:21,551 For the next six weeks, we'll live together 121 00:05:21,586 --> 00:05:24,724 while I, Jesus Christ the great and powerful, 122 00:05:24,758 --> 00:05:29,551 will manifest a positive change for your lives. 123 00:05:29,586 --> 00:05:31,551 Eh, Phil, what's up with this rock, man? 124 00:05:31,586 --> 00:05:33,482 This rock is hurting my ass. 125 00:05:33,517 --> 00:05:35,172 You got me sitting up here cross-legged. 126 00:05:35,206 --> 00:05:37,103 That's Buddha shit. I ain't no biter, dawg. 127 00:05:37,137 --> 00:05:38,551 I got my own style. 128 00:05:38,586 --> 00:05:42,241 We can fix that in post. Keep going. 129 00:05:44,103 --> 00:05:45,586 Let's "get busy" with the Spirit. 130 00:05:45,620 --> 00:05:48,137 Uh, I just have one question, Jesus. 131 00:05:48,172 --> 00:05:50,172 Who in the hell are these white folks? 132 00:05:50,206 --> 00:05:53,586 Boonie, Lloyd, Shalinka, Ms. Tudi, 133 00:05:53,620 --> 00:05:55,241 meet your new housemates -- 134 00:05:55,275 --> 00:05:57,413 Bruno, Louie, and Bambi. 135 00:05:57,448 --> 00:06:00,551 Bambi? Jesus, I didn't come up here to shack up 136 00:06:00,586 --> 00:06:03,517 with some stripper from the Peppermint Panther. 137 00:06:03,551 --> 00:06:06,206 That is so wrong. I'm not a stripper. 138 00:06:06,241 --> 00:06:08,034 Whatever. You got a stripper name. 139 00:06:08,068 --> 00:06:12,068 I knew if that white woman said anything else, 140 00:06:12,103 --> 00:06:13,517 there's gonna be a bitch fight. 141 00:06:13,551 --> 00:06:17,379 In five, four, three, two... 142 00:06:17,413 --> 00:06:19,827 Better a stripper name than a hoe name. 143 00:06:19,862 --> 00:06:25,551 Shalinka? That's beyond hoe. That's all corner hoe. 144 00:06:25,586 --> 00:06:27,206 ...one. 145 00:06:27,241 --> 00:06:29,137 Your great-grandmama a hoe, bitch. 146 00:06:29,172 --> 00:06:30,724 Ho! Bitch fight! 147 00:06:30,758 --> 00:06:35,551 Like I said, that lotus pose, that's Buddha's move. 148 00:06:35,586 --> 00:06:37,241 [ Both grunting, screaming ] 149 00:06:37,275 --> 00:06:39,206 -Oh, Jesus. -Get her, Shalinka. 150 00:06:39,241 --> 00:06:41,551 Bitch fight! Black and white! 151 00:06:41,586 --> 00:06:43,482 Put your boy legs to sleep. 152 00:06:43,517 --> 00:06:46,482 [ Indistinct shouting ] 153 00:06:46,517 --> 00:06:48,068 Black Jesus: Hey, look, dawg, I don't think 154 00:06:48,103 --> 00:06:50,241 all these extra people are such a good idea. 155 00:06:50,275 --> 00:06:52,551 And this robe is worse than the last one. 156 00:06:52,586 --> 00:06:54,103 Come on, man. 157 00:06:54,137 --> 00:06:55,689 This thing's so tight, I got to take baby steps. 158 00:06:55,724 --> 00:06:57,034 Okay, well, we'll get it changed 159 00:06:57,068 --> 00:06:58,379 after the next scene, I promise. 160 00:06:58,413 --> 00:07:02,068 Please do. Thank you, man. Thank you. God bless. 161 00:07:02,103 --> 00:07:04,551 ♪♪ 162 00:07:04,586 --> 00:07:08,413 And one way to heal our problems is to share. 163 00:07:08,448 --> 00:07:11,172 Like, I once had a problem with the Romans... 164 00:07:11,206 --> 00:07:13,379 Problem? Shit. 165 00:07:13,413 --> 00:07:16,034 They mother fuckers nailed me to a cross. 166 00:07:16,068 --> 00:07:17,551 A cross, dawg! 167 00:07:17,586 --> 00:07:20,482 And me with my forgivin', mother fucker ass, I asked Pops, 168 00:07:20,517 --> 00:07:23,068 "Forgive them, for they knew not what they did." 169 00:07:23,103 --> 00:07:26,068 ♪♪ 170 00:07:26,103 --> 00:07:28,034 They punk asses knew. 171 00:07:28,068 --> 00:07:32,137 ...and Pops had a problem with an angel named Lucifer. 172 00:07:32,172 --> 00:07:36,310 The Dark Lord! Better recognize. 173 00:07:36,344 --> 00:07:38,379 I recognize, Louie. 174 00:07:38,413 --> 00:07:42,551 But the question is, does the Dark Lord recognize you? 175 00:07:42,586 --> 00:07:44,517 Honestly, my relationship with Satan 176 00:07:44,551 --> 00:07:46,068 isn't so great right now. 177 00:07:46,103 --> 00:07:49,482 I can, uh, feel him slipping from my life. 178 00:07:49,517 --> 00:07:51,068 Good honesty. Thank you. 179 00:07:51,103 --> 00:07:54,379 Good? This fool talking about Satan, Jesus. 180 00:07:54,413 --> 00:07:57,034 But he's sharing. Ms. Tudi? 181 00:07:57,068 --> 00:07:59,068 My problem is mother fuckers 182 00:07:59,103 --> 00:08:01,551 that won't give me my proper respect. 183 00:08:01,586 --> 00:08:03,586 It can hurt when mother fuckers don't respect us. 184 00:08:03,620 --> 00:08:04,758 Mm-hmm. 185 00:08:04,793 --> 00:08:07,724 But the best way to get mother fuckers to respect us 186 00:08:07,758 --> 00:08:10,103 is to give mother fuckers respect. 187 00:08:10,137 --> 00:08:12,758 -Hmm? -But we'll talk about that later. 188 00:08:12,793 --> 00:08:14,172 Lloyd. 189 00:08:14,206 --> 00:08:17,068 My problem is called "your Black ass." 190 00:08:17,103 --> 00:08:18,724 -Mm. -I was a drunk, 191 00:08:18,758 --> 00:08:20,724 but I was a happy drunk. 192 00:08:20,758 --> 00:08:24,206 Then you healed me, and now I'm pissed. 193 00:08:24,241 --> 00:08:26,758 I am pissed! 194 00:08:26,793 --> 00:08:29,758 Great to hear. Boonie, do you care to share? 195 00:08:29,793 --> 00:08:34,482 My problem is this rock-punishing bitch right here. 196 00:08:34,517 --> 00:08:36,310 -Hmm. -And my problem, Jesus, 197 00:08:36,344 --> 00:08:38,172 is this nigga there, 198 00:08:38,206 --> 00:08:41,689 and this half-naked white heifer over here. 199 00:08:41,724 --> 00:08:43,758 -Excuse me? -You heard me. 200 00:08:43,793 --> 00:08:45,241 Get froggy. 201 00:08:45,275 --> 00:08:47,586 I didn't say nothing when you was eyeballing 202 00:08:47,620 --> 00:08:51,551 that Rico Suave-looking dude over there. 203 00:08:51,586 --> 00:08:53,827 I didn't even notice him. 204 00:08:53,862 --> 00:09:00,068 -Bruno here is a sex addict. -Bruno fucks anything. 205 00:09:00,103 --> 00:09:02,068 Well, all right. 206 00:09:02,103 --> 00:09:04,551 Bambi is also dealing with sexual issues. 207 00:09:04,586 --> 00:09:07,724 I just can't stop screwing Black guys. 208 00:09:07,758 --> 00:09:11,172 Hey, well, before you fix your problem, we should talk. 209 00:09:11,206 --> 00:09:13,206 Absolutely. 210 00:09:13,241 --> 00:09:14,517 What?! 211 00:09:14,551 --> 00:09:16,241 You didn't see me throwing my panties 212 00:09:16,275 --> 00:09:18,758 at the Egyptian lover over here. 213 00:09:18,793 --> 00:09:20,206 Why not? 214 00:09:20,241 --> 00:09:22,655 He says he fucks anything. 215 00:09:22,689 --> 00:09:25,724 Family, we're getting away from this productive conversation. 216 00:09:25,758 --> 00:09:27,241 I'll show y'all productive. 217 00:09:27,275 --> 00:09:30,068 Lloyd, what are you -- 218 00:09:30,103 --> 00:09:31,068 [ All shriek ] 219 00:09:31,103 --> 00:09:32,551 Ms. Tudi: Don't anybody want to see all that! 220 00:09:32,586 --> 00:09:34,206 -Oh! Lloyd, what you doing? -Get away! 221 00:09:34,241 --> 00:09:36,172 -Come back here, woman! -Get away! Away with you! 222 00:09:36,206 --> 00:09:38,068 [ Indistinct shouting ] 223 00:09:38,103 --> 00:09:39,310 Bruno no fuck that. 224 00:09:39,344 --> 00:09:43,034 You know, I discovered, showing my ass and ding-a-ling, 225 00:09:43,068 --> 00:09:45,758 which is a dick, to others 226 00:09:45,793 --> 00:09:47,724 is the only thing that gives me the same high 227 00:09:47,758 --> 00:09:49,172 as a fifth of Darby. 228 00:09:49,206 --> 00:09:52,103 I can never unsee that shit. Never. 229 00:09:52,137 --> 00:09:53,172 Eeh! 230 00:09:53,206 --> 00:09:56,206 It was really big, and super black, 231 00:09:56,241 --> 00:09:59,034 and there were these, like, little gray hairs. 232 00:09:59,068 --> 00:10:03,068 But, I don't know. Maybe that's hot? 233 00:10:03,103 --> 00:10:04,344 Ms. Tudi: Listen. Jesus, Jesus, just listen. 234 00:10:04,379 --> 00:10:06,758 Listen. Just listen. Chill. 235 00:10:06,793 --> 00:10:08,172 You don't look bad. 236 00:10:08,206 --> 00:10:10,379 Not bad. Stupid, Ms. Tudi. 237 00:10:10,413 --> 00:10:12,724 No, no, no. Not stupid. Unexpected. 238 00:10:12,758 --> 00:10:15,586 Yeah, and unexpected is what they tune in for. 239 00:10:15,620 --> 00:10:17,655 That's what makes people watch, you know what I'm saying? 240 00:10:17,689 --> 00:10:19,551 Oh! What up, Ms. Tudi. 241 00:10:19,586 --> 00:10:22,413 'Bout to get my nama-nastay on. 242 00:10:22,448 --> 00:10:25,379 Who let this Yoga Bitch in here? 243 00:10:25,413 --> 00:10:28,172 -Mm. -And a nice big inhale. 244 00:10:28,206 --> 00:10:32,655 And on the exhale, through your core, pull up and back. 245 00:10:32,689 --> 00:10:37,413 I can't breathe with this bitch's funky ass in my face! 246 00:10:37,448 --> 00:10:39,827 There's about to be a bitch fight up in here. 247 00:10:39,862 --> 00:10:41,034 You hear me, God? 248 00:10:41,068 --> 00:10:42,689 [ Both grunt ]What now? 249 00:10:42,724 --> 00:10:44,068 Bitch! 250 00:10:44,103 --> 00:10:45,241 Bitch fight. 251 00:10:45,275 --> 00:10:48,379 [ Both grunting, groaning ] 252 00:10:48,413 --> 00:10:51,068 Bitch! I got to go? 253 00:10:51,103 --> 00:10:52,724 Ms. Tudi was fighting, too! 254 00:10:52,758 --> 00:10:55,068 Yeah, but only one of y'all pulled out the shank. 255 00:10:55,103 --> 00:10:56,586 Look, Pops never meant for y'all 256 00:10:56,620 --> 00:10:59,172 to have this type of junk in your trunk. 257 00:10:59,206 --> 00:11:01,379 Wasn't in my trunk. It was in my hood. 258 00:11:01,413 --> 00:11:05,413 'Cause my engine is hella good. And tight. 259 00:11:05,448 --> 00:11:07,689 'Cause don't nobody want to ride that thing and loosen it up. 260 00:11:07,724 --> 00:11:10,655 -Oh, people be riding. -Ladies, ladies! Please, please! 261 00:11:10,689 --> 00:11:12,379 Look -- look, Teresa, I'm sorry. 262 00:11:12,413 --> 00:11:14,172 This is the end of your enlightenment. 263 00:11:14,206 --> 00:11:15,655 Teresa, thanks for playing, 264 00:11:15,689 --> 00:11:17,206 but don't forget your parting gift. 265 00:11:17,241 --> 00:11:19,724 Oh, no! 266 00:11:19,758 --> 00:11:24,068 Sharing my Godly blessings with God's other children 267 00:11:24,103 --> 00:11:26,551 is a high alcohol can't touch. 268 00:11:26,586 --> 00:11:28,724 [ Laughs ] 269 00:11:28,758 --> 00:11:31,379 I smell Emmy! 270 00:11:36,068 --> 00:11:38,758 Previously on "The Real Jesus of Compton"... 271 00:11:38,793 --> 00:11:43,586 Damn. It's supposed to be lights out! 272 00:11:43,620 --> 00:11:46,586 -Come on, dice. -Show me that third leg, baby. 273 00:11:46,620 --> 00:11:50,103 -Come on, man. -Yeah! 274 00:11:50,137 --> 00:11:53,758 -Hey, work, Bruno. -Yeah. Mm. 275 00:11:53,793 --> 00:11:56,310 [ Indistinct conversations ] 276 00:11:56,344 --> 00:12:00,724 If it was up to me, all they asses to fiery pits, right now. 277 00:12:00,758 --> 00:12:03,068 Yeah, baby. Come to mama, Bruno. 278 00:12:03,103 --> 00:12:05,137 -Oh, my -- -Girl, yes. 279 00:12:05,172 --> 00:12:08,034 [ Laughs ] Whoa. Okay, so that's good, right? 280 00:12:08,068 --> 00:12:08,931 That's great. 281 00:12:08,965 --> 00:12:10,482 I mean, Jesus wishing people to hell, 282 00:12:10,517 --> 00:12:12,413 that kind of twist is money in the bank. 283 00:12:12,448 --> 00:12:14,034 And speaking of twists -- 284 00:12:14,068 --> 00:12:15,551 Phil, I don't want to see that Yoga Bitch 285 00:12:15,586 --> 00:12:17,103 pop back up here again. 286 00:12:17,137 --> 00:12:18,379 Okay. 287 00:12:19,448 --> 00:12:22,034 Don't nobody need to be this goddamn healthy. 288 00:12:22,068 --> 00:12:25,206 Ooh, celery sticks! 289 00:12:25,241 --> 00:12:30,103 How anyone's ass get that thick off some damn celery sticks? 290 00:12:30,137 --> 00:12:32,034 I mean, I know what the fuck soy is. 291 00:12:32,068 --> 00:12:36,586 Pops made it, but he also made pigs, chicken, fish. 292 00:12:36,620 --> 00:12:40,103 And, little known fact, barbecue sauce. 293 00:12:40,137 --> 00:12:42,103 Jesus, what is this? 294 00:12:42,137 --> 00:12:43,689 They got me locked in this damn thing. 295 00:12:43,724 --> 00:12:45,413 We can't have you constantly running around 296 00:12:45,448 --> 00:12:47,103 showing your ass off to folks. 297 00:12:47,137 --> 00:12:48,724 It wasn't my ass I was showing! 298 00:12:48,758 --> 00:12:51,413 It's not a good look, man. Nobody want to see that shit. 299 00:12:51,448 --> 00:12:54,586 -Morning, Jesus. -Good morning, Bambi. 300 00:12:54,620 --> 00:12:57,034 Hey, tiger. When's show time? 301 00:12:57,068 --> 00:13:00,172 Mm-hmm. How do you know what people want to see? 302 00:13:00,206 --> 00:13:01,689 You can't go by her. 303 00:13:01,724 --> 00:13:03,137 She's a sick and confused white girl 304 00:13:03,172 --> 00:13:05,137 with a sick-and-confused white-girl appetite. 305 00:13:05,172 --> 00:13:08,827 Oh, because she like Black dick, she's sick and confused. 306 00:13:08,862 --> 00:13:12,068 I like pink toes. People need to share. 307 00:13:12,103 --> 00:13:14,413 "You're crazy, and cuckoo-cuckoo." 308 00:13:14,448 --> 00:13:18,103 Look, we'll talk about that on a one-on-one session, okay? 309 00:13:18,137 --> 00:13:21,034 Now, Boonie, to begin our one-on-one session, 310 00:13:21,068 --> 00:13:22,586 I'd just like for you to draw the face 311 00:13:22,620 --> 00:13:24,586 of the person you have issues with 312 00:13:24,620 --> 00:13:26,758 and tell them how you feel. 313 00:13:26,793 --> 00:13:32,137 ♪♪ 314 00:13:32,172 --> 00:13:34,206 What is that? 315 00:13:34,241 --> 00:13:36,206 That's a witch's hat. 316 00:13:36,241 --> 00:13:38,068 Well, go ahead and tell her how you feel. 317 00:13:38,103 --> 00:13:43,724 Mama, why you always got to be so mean to a nigga?! 318 00:13:43,758 --> 00:13:45,586 I had to sleep in that dark room, 319 00:13:45,620 --> 00:13:48,482 and you wouldn't put on the light, Mama. 320 00:13:48,517 --> 00:13:52,103 [ Grunting ] 321 00:13:52,137 --> 00:13:54,172 [ Sighs ] Oh. 322 00:13:54,206 --> 00:13:56,482 Did that help, or are you still mad at me? 323 00:13:56,517 --> 00:13:59,758 No Christmas toys, mama?! 324 00:13:59,793 --> 00:14:02,206 You're the reason I'm with Shalinka, mama! 325 00:14:02,241 --> 00:14:04,724 Alcohol used to keep my bowels moving. 326 00:14:04,758 --> 00:14:07,551 Since your meddle-some ass has made me sober, 327 00:14:07,586 --> 00:14:10,655 I've been blocked up for weeks. 328 00:14:10,689 --> 00:14:14,758 You ran daddy away 'cause he was late coming home. 329 00:14:14,793 --> 00:14:16,344 You fucked my high-school coach, 330 00:14:16,379 --> 00:14:18,103 and I still ain't get in the game. 331 00:14:18,137 --> 00:14:19,137 [Sobbing] Oh! 332 00:14:19,172 --> 00:14:22,241 Oh. Uh-oh.[ Flatulence ] 333 00:14:22,275 --> 00:14:23,482 I might have to go soon. 334 00:14:23,517 --> 00:14:26,413 I might have to go. 335 00:14:26,448 --> 00:14:29,655 You know what this bitch be doing, Jesus? 336 00:14:29,689 --> 00:14:31,206 I'm gonna need you to stop all that crying 337 00:14:31,241 --> 00:14:33,103 and man the fuck up. 338 00:14:33,137 --> 00:14:36,413 I need a black marker so I can draw her heart. 339 00:14:36,448 --> 00:14:39,241 Phil, this ain't working out as planned, dawg. 340 00:14:39,275 --> 00:14:42,103 Look, I believe in tough love, but in private. 341 00:14:42,137 --> 00:14:45,068 I shouldn't have to tell no grown folks to man up on TV. 342 00:14:45,103 --> 00:14:46,758 That's some Denzel Washington type shit. 343 00:14:46,793 --> 00:14:48,586 You have to realize, people need you. 344 00:14:48,620 --> 00:14:50,689 I mean, bad shit is happening. 345 00:14:50,724 --> 00:14:52,172 Look. 346 00:14:52,206 --> 00:14:54,689 [ Grunting, moaning ] 347 00:14:54,724 --> 00:14:56,344 This happened here? 348 00:14:56,379 --> 00:14:57,758 Yeah. 349 00:14:57,793 --> 00:14:59,517 Man, I hate having to straighten fools out, 350 00:14:59,551 --> 00:15:01,586 but I'm gonna have to straighten them fools out. 351 00:15:01,620 --> 00:15:03,724 Great. Any chance for a miracle? 352 00:15:03,758 --> 00:15:06,068 No. 353 00:15:06,103 --> 00:15:09,034 Man, y'all been straight wildin' out up in this piece. 354 00:15:09,068 --> 00:15:10,551 The sinning got to stop. 355 00:15:10,586 --> 00:15:13,103 And, Boonie, I'm especially disappointed in your ass. 356 00:15:13,137 --> 00:15:15,206 Check out this digital debauchery. 357 00:15:15,241 --> 00:15:17,206 Get your big ass in here. 358 00:15:17,241 --> 00:15:18,586 Oh, hey, well, uh, 359 00:15:18,620 --> 00:15:20,241 sleep fucking is one of the issues 360 00:15:20,275 --> 00:15:21,482 that I'm here to deal with. 361 00:15:21,517 --> 00:15:23,827 Boonie, you so damn triflin'. 362 00:15:23,862 --> 00:15:28,758 Shalinka, let she who is without trife cast the first stone. 363 00:15:28,793 --> 00:15:30,551 Time to ride the whiteness. 364 00:15:30,586 --> 00:15:33,586 Bruno fucks Shalaylay. 365 00:15:33,620 --> 00:15:36,586 Well, I'ma tell you, both you heifers are nasty to me. 366 00:15:36,620 --> 00:15:39,172 -Bitch fight. -Okay, cut! 367 00:15:39,206 --> 00:15:41,379 -Cut this. -Bitch fight. 368 00:15:41,413 --> 00:15:43,206 Ladies! Ladies! 369 00:15:43,241 --> 00:15:46,103 There is a better way to settle this. 370 00:15:46,137 --> 00:15:48,172 [ All cheering ] 371 00:15:48,206 --> 00:15:49,172 Bitch fight. 372 00:15:49,206 --> 00:15:52,551 [ All grunting ] 373 00:15:52,586 --> 00:15:54,413 Come on, girl. Don't let her get you like that. 374 00:15:54,448 --> 00:15:58,344 Bite her! Bite her! 375 00:15:58,379 --> 00:16:00,413 I never thought Ms. Tudi and Shalinka 376 00:16:00,448 --> 00:16:02,655 would agree to some bullshit like this. 377 00:16:02,689 --> 00:16:05,241 They didn't until I offered them a bump in the money. 378 00:16:05,275 --> 00:16:08,689 Fight! Whoo-whee! 379 00:16:08,724 --> 00:16:11,068 -Jesus! -Let go, fool! 380 00:16:11,103 --> 00:16:12,758 ♪♪ 381 00:16:12,793 --> 00:16:14,482 Phil: What do you mean you're quitting? 382 00:16:14,517 --> 00:16:15,689 I'm done, man. 383 00:16:15,724 --> 00:16:18,413 Pops did not put me here to be some generic-ass prince 384 00:16:18,448 --> 00:16:20,172 in a Dave Chappelle sketch gone bad. 385 00:16:20,206 --> 00:16:21,482 Okay, well, you're gonna lose your friends 386 00:16:21,517 --> 00:16:22,724 a lot of money, buddy. 387 00:16:22,758 --> 00:16:25,034 Man fuck your money, Osterfawk. 388 00:16:25,068 --> 00:16:26,758 -Jesus, just listen -- -Oh, come on -- 389 00:16:26,793 --> 00:16:28,310 Jesus -- you lettin' your robe. 390 00:16:28,344 --> 00:16:32,241 Jes-- can I just -- -Jesus! Please! 391 00:16:32,275 --> 00:16:34,758 -Gosh. -So, hey, check it out. 392 00:16:34,793 --> 00:16:37,206 I think I know a way to chill dude out. 393 00:16:37,241 --> 00:16:39,689 Hey, man. Good luck and God bless with all this. 394 00:16:39,724 --> 00:16:41,068 I'm out. 395 00:16:41,103 --> 00:16:43,034 [ Inhales deeply ] 396 00:16:43,068 --> 00:16:44,379 I know that smell. 397 00:16:44,413 --> 00:16:46,724 That's that world-famous Ms. Emma's fish. 398 00:16:46,758 --> 00:16:49,827 What's happening, Nessa? I see you, girl. 399 00:16:49,862 --> 00:16:51,551 Got you one. 400 00:16:51,586 --> 00:16:52,758 'Bout time somebody slid through 401 00:16:52,793 --> 00:16:55,034 with some fine cuisine to this joint. 402 00:16:55,068 --> 00:16:56,379 And look here, Jesus. 403 00:16:56,413 --> 00:16:59,103 I just want to say that we need you. 404 00:16:59,137 --> 00:17:01,241 This whole thing falls apart if we lose you. 405 00:17:01,275 --> 00:17:02,551 I don't know, Ms. Tudi. 406 00:17:02,586 --> 00:17:04,068 It's getting too ratchet up in here, man. 407 00:17:04,103 --> 00:17:06,586 It's on me, okay? Let me try to fix it. 408 00:17:06,620 --> 00:17:10,172 You got to fix it by no crazy makeup, no emasculation. 409 00:17:10,206 --> 00:17:11,758 I'm au naturel, man. -Done. 410 00:17:11,793 --> 00:17:14,068 And no sexually-exploitative mud fights. 411 00:17:14,103 --> 00:17:15,482 The ladies got to be respected. 412 00:17:15,517 --> 00:17:19,758 Whatever you want, that's what happens, okay? 413 00:17:19,793 --> 00:17:22,068 Just, um, give me one second. 414 00:17:22,103 --> 00:17:25,103 I'm gonna tip and pay her, and then I'll be back. 415 00:17:25,137 --> 00:17:27,034 Get all your money. 416 00:17:27,068 --> 00:17:28,689 Damn! A $50? 417 00:17:28,724 --> 00:17:30,241 Yeah, maybe more if you say yes. 418 00:17:30,275 --> 00:17:32,413 Are you crazy? 419 00:17:32,448 --> 00:17:34,586 I ain't fucking your pasty white ass. 420 00:17:34,620 --> 00:17:36,241 Hey, Jesus. -Wait, no, no. 421 00:17:36,275 --> 00:17:37,758 Boy, I'm -- 422 00:17:37,793 --> 00:17:40,379 See, I'll fillet your ass like them damn catfish. 423 00:17:40,413 --> 00:17:41,655 Nessa, what I want to do 424 00:17:41,689 --> 00:17:43,172 is pay you to be on the show. 425 00:17:43,206 --> 00:17:45,793 All you have to do is ask Jesus for a miracle. 426 00:17:47,862 --> 00:17:49,103 What miracle? 427 00:17:49,137 --> 00:17:51,172 Phil: I can see that you love Jesus, 428 00:17:51,206 --> 00:17:52,758 and that you want this show to be a success 429 00:17:52,793 --> 00:17:54,379 so that he can spread his good word. 430 00:17:54,413 --> 00:17:56,344 But unfortunately I need a big miracle 431 00:17:56,379 --> 00:17:59,724 to put the show over the top. 432 00:17:59,758 --> 00:18:02,586 Let's all welcome Nessa to our family. 433 00:18:02,620 --> 00:18:04,310 -Whoo! -Nessa! 434 00:18:04,344 --> 00:18:06,068 Hey. My cousin. 435 00:18:06,103 --> 00:18:08,758 And though I've only known her for a short time, 436 00:18:08,793 --> 00:18:10,379 I must say that I don't know 437 00:18:10,413 --> 00:18:12,137 that there's anything wrong with her. 438 00:18:12,172 --> 00:18:15,241 Nessa, do you have any problems you would like to deal with? 439 00:18:15,275 --> 00:18:18,586 [ Birds chirping ] 440 00:18:18,620 --> 00:18:20,586 I mean, I guess... 441 00:18:20,620 --> 00:18:24,482 I'd...like these to be even. 442 00:18:24,517 --> 00:18:27,413 You sure about that? 443 00:18:27,448 --> 00:18:29,068 I'm sure. 444 00:18:29,103 --> 00:18:32,758 Okay. Let's see what Pops has to say. 445 00:18:32,793 --> 00:18:34,413 Wait. Wait, stop. Stop. 446 00:18:34,448 --> 00:18:36,517 I -- I don't know if I found God, 447 00:18:36,551 --> 00:18:38,758 or maybe I just really like lopsided titties, 448 00:18:38,793 --> 00:18:41,103 'cause those are dope as hell, 449 00:18:41,137 --> 00:18:43,310 but I heard that little sleazy producer right there 450 00:18:43,344 --> 00:18:44,586 say that if she didn't do this, 451 00:18:44,620 --> 00:18:46,034 your show would never get on the air. 452 00:18:46,068 --> 00:18:48,172 No. No! That's all wrong. 453 00:18:48,206 --> 00:18:50,137 Sure, I wanted a miracle, but so did she. 454 00:18:50,172 --> 00:18:54,137 Let's see what Pops has to say, 'cause He's the all-knowing. 455 00:18:54,172 --> 00:18:55,689 [ Sighs ] 456 00:18:55,724 --> 00:18:58,241 [ Angelic harp plays ][ Chuckles ] 457 00:18:58,275 --> 00:19:02,241 Good news, Phil. Pops says that miracle is a go. 458 00:19:02,275 --> 00:19:03,586 Get your money, pimp. 459 00:19:03,620 --> 00:19:06,137 Roll on this. Get this shot. 460 00:19:06,172 --> 00:19:07,413 [ Chuckles ] 461 00:19:07,448 --> 00:19:09,137 [ Jingling ] 462 00:19:09,172 --> 00:19:11,344 [ Air hissing ]Aah! 463 00:19:11,379 --> 00:19:13,827 What the fuck is this?! 464 00:19:13,862 --> 00:19:15,241 What is this? 465 00:19:15,275 --> 00:19:19,068 -Oh, yeah! -Big pasty-ass titties. 466 00:19:19,103 --> 00:19:21,413 Damn! Nice and balanced, too. 467 00:19:21,448 --> 00:19:23,103 What the hell, Jesus? 468 00:19:23,137 --> 00:19:25,758 Pops said you'd get a miracle. He didn't say what kind. 469 00:19:25,793 --> 00:19:28,206 I-I can't go around like this! 470 00:19:28,241 --> 00:19:29,758 I might be able to straighten that out. 471 00:19:29,793 --> 00:19:31,241 Just let me holler at Pops. 472 00:19:31,275 --> 00:19:34,241 But I'ma need to run this show my way. 473 00:19:34,275 --> 00:19:44,068 ♪♪ 474 00:19:44,103 --> 00:19:53,724 ♪♪ 475 00:19:53,758 --> 00:19:57,068 And Pops wants you to know that no matter how fucked up, 476 00:19:57,103 --> 00:20:00,206 how triflin', or how ratchet you may be, 477 00:20:00,241 --> 00:20:02,827 His love is everlasting. 478 00:20:02,862 --> 00:20:07,034 ♪♪ 479 00:20:07,068 --> 00:20:09,758 Well, there it is, there. How y'all love that, huh? 480 00:20:09,793 --> 00:20:12,034 Jesus, I think that's the most boring-ass shit 481 00:20:12,068 --> 00:20:14,068 I've ever seen. -Really, Lloyd? 482 00:20:14,103 --> 00:20:16,068 You know, all that hate don't look good on you. 483 00:20:16,103 --> 00:20:18,413 But I know my man Boonie know what's happening. 484 00:20:18,448 --> 00:20:20,586 Boonie, what you think about that, player? Huh? 485 00:20:20,620 --> 00:20:23,241 Oh, he's ecstatic. Can't you tell? 486 00:20:23,275 --> 00:20:25,586 You know what, we was 'bout to make some paper. 487 00:20:25,620 --> 00:20:27,068 Huh, 'Linka? -Absolutely. 488 00:20:27,103 --> 00:20:29,482 We was about to stack some cash. 489 00:20:29,517 --> 00:20:32,379 Long money. Right? But, no. 490 00:20:32,413 --> 00:20:34,586 Once again, our Lord and Savior, 491 00:20:34,620 --> 00:20:37,517 Mr. Goody-Two-Shoes fuck it up. 492 00:20:37,551 --> 00:20:41,172 Fuck it up. -I don't know, Ms. Tudi. 493 00:20:41,206 --> 00:20:44,655 Actually, I might have saved one. 494 00:20:44,689 --> 00:20:46,827 You could have saved all! 495 00:20:46,862 --> 00:20:53,413 [ All arguing indistinctly ] 496 00:20:53,448 --> 00:21:03,068 ♪♪ 497 00:21:03,103 --> 00:21:12,758 ♪♪ 498 00:21:12,793 --> 00:21:22,413 ♪♪