(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
NARRATOR: In the rugged life of a private eye,
you encounter more than your share of archenemies.
Tom's come face to face with his most terrifying nemesis ever.
A blank sheet of paper.
See, Tom has made a deal with a big-time publisher
to write his memoirs as a true life crime novel.
But now he's under the gun to actually write it.
(CANNON FIRES)
To make matters worse, he's suddenly been hit
with a bad case of writer's block.
There's no known cure.
You just have to sweat it out.
Pull yourself together man!
Just start anywhere!
Type two letters, any two letters!
I guess those weren't the right two.
It's from your publisher!
Could it be?
It is!
Another advance for $5 cash.
Just the incentive to get the creative juices going.
(JERRY CLEARS THROAT)
Oh yeah. (CHUCKLES)
Paper.
(HOWLS)
Too bad you never kept any case files for times like these.
Well, what do you know?
(WHISTLES)
A stockpile of their greatest cases.
The Brief Case.
Hmm. Too brief.
The Suit Case.
Unsuitable.
The Book Case.
A case of the Mondays.
What else we got?
This is starting to look like a hopeless case.
Hey, wait!
What about the cold case files?
(WIND BLOWING)
Eh, what do you know?
It's Crooked Eddie, the stool pigeon.
You want a hot tip on a crime story?
I got a million of 'em!
I see everything that goes on in this burg.
Like, you know that mailbox guy on the corner?
EDDIE: Every day at 5:00, this guy drives up,
jimmies open the box,
steals the mail and throws it in a sack
and drives off!
NARRATOR: That's the mailman, Eddie!
Oh, okay.
Then try this one on for size.
There's this big private club downtown.
People pay to get in.
Inside, it's completely dark.
Except for one bright light over this big square,
where two guys are beating the daylights out of each other.
Nobody tries to stop 'em!
In fact, they're cheering 'em on!
NARRATOR: That's a boxing ring, Eddie!
You don't say.
Three strikes and you're out, Eddie!
Okay, okay.
I've been saving this one.
There's all these yellow cars,
sort of a checkerboard pattern on the side,
picking people up in one place,
dropping 'em off someplace completely different.
Cash changes hands. The implications are staggering!
NARRATOR: Taxi cabs!
We're throwing the book at you, Eddie!
(SQUAWKS)
NARRATOR: Is this for real?
You've finally written an opening paragraph?
Fantastic!
Does it grab the reader right in the first sentence?
Yes!
And it's action-packed, too, right?
Loaded with suspense?
Way to go!
And it's completely factual?
Aw, c'mon buddy,
don't tell me you'd stoop to varnishing the truth.
(CLATTERING)
Thomas, I'm disappointed.
Look, just paint over the bits that aren't true.
It's called "editing."
-(COUGHS) -Back to square one.
The days turn into nights.
And then, into weeks, without a speck of progress.
But it's like that old saying,
"It's always darkest before the dawn."
DAWN: Won't someone help a damsel in distress?
NARRATOR: Her name was Dawn,
Dawn O'Day.
She floated into the office
on a cloud of mystery, intrigue and exotic perfume.
Won't you please help me, Mr. Cat?
I can't pay much.
But this is maybe the greatest case, you will ever solve!
Look lady, some other time, huh?
Can't you see we've got a true-life crime story to write?
Hey, wait...
Maybe Jerry has a handle on this after all!
You could solve her case and write your plot at the same time!
See this?
It's the famous Crimson Carbuncle,
the most valuable ruby in the world!
My fiance, Tony,
gave it to me on our last trip to Orlando.
But Tony is missing suddenly!
I'm starting to fear the worst!
The case had a familiar ring to it.
Tony, Orlando,
and a lady named Dawn.
(SOBBING)
I'm so frightened and alone!
NARRATOR: Fear not, sweet damsel!
If you've got the body, we've got the guard.
Although... (CLEARS THROAT)
My family has a little cabin in the woods.
I just don't feel safe in this city
with every thief in town after this ruby.
I'm afraid to let it out of my sight!
I don't know where to turn.
FEMALE GPS VOICE: At the next exit, turn left.
Yes.
If you ever wondered where the "Middle of Nowhere" is,
this is it.
It's a little run-down, but it's been in the family for ages.
Papa used to say it was haunted.
It was his little joke!
(LAUGHS)
(LAUGHING MANIACALLY)
Let's go inside.
(DOOR CREAKS OPEN)
ALL: Surprise!
ALL: Happy birthday, Tom!
Thanks for helping me find my missing poker pals.
Oui. Merci for reuniting me avec mon cher, Quacker.
And me, with my Pilly Willy!
You big, strong detective, you.
How about a kiss?
From your favorite damsel in distress.
Happy birthday, you big chump!
NARRATOR: Well, Tom, maybe you're no Sam Spade
but you've got a great group of grateful friends
you've helped and it's no mystery why they care so much about you.
(SNIFFS)
(ALL SINGING) ♪ For he's a jolly good fellow
♪ Which nobody can deny ♪
ALL: Happy birthday, Tom!
NARRATOR: So, the surprise party was a success.
And the place turned out to be haunted after all.
But is there a better place to hire a "ghost writer"?