1 00:00:01,234 --> 00:00:04,384 (THEME MUSIC PLAYING) 2 00:00:17,051 --> 00:00:18,553 NARRATOR: In the rugged life of a private eye, 3 00:00:18,620 --> 00:00:22,223 you encounter more than your share of archenemies. 4 00:00:22,290 --> 00:00:26,660 Tom's come face to face with his most terrifying nemesis ever. 5 00:00:26,727 --> 00:00:28,896 A blank sheet of paper. 6 00:00:28,963 --> 00:00:31,399 See, Tom has made a deal with a big-time publisher 7 00:00:31,466 --> 00:00:34,302 to write his memoirs as a true life crime novel. 8 00:00:34,369 --> 00:00:37,538 But now he's under the gun to actually write it. 9 00:00:37,604 --> 00:00:39,006 (CANNON FIRES) 10 00:00:39,073 --> 00:00:40,641 To make matters worse, he's suddenly been hit 11 00:00:40,708 --> 00:00:44,879 with a bad case of writer's block. 12 00:00:44,945 --> 00:00:46,580 There's no known cure. 13 00:00:46,647 --> 00:00:51,552 You just have to sweat it out. 14 00:00:51,618 --> 00:00:52,686 Pull yourself together man! 15 00:00:52,753 --> 00:00:53,988 Just start anywhere! 16 00:00:54,055 --> 00:00:59,055 Type two letters, any two letters! 17 00:01:01,362 --> 00:01:04,498 I guess those weren't the right two. 18 00:01:04,565 --> 00:01:07,100 It's from your publisher! 19 00:01:07,167 --> 00:01:08,335 Could it be? 20 00:01:08,402 --> 00:01:09,403 It is! 21 00:01:09,469 --> 00:01:13,408 Another advance for $5 cash. 22 00:01:13,474 --> 00:01:18,474 Just the incentive to get the creative juices going. 23 00:01:19,312 --> 00:01:23,150 (JERRY CLEARS THROAT) 24 00:01:23,217 --> 00:01:24,685 Oh yeah. (CHUCKLES) 25 00:01:24,752 --> 00:01:26,852 Paper. 26 00:01:34,994 --> 00:01:36,044 (HOWLS) 27 00:01:45,807 --> 00:01:50,807 Too bad you never kept any case files for times like these. 28 00:01:51,979 --> 00:01:53,580 Well, what do you know? 29 00:01:53,647 --> 00:01:55,147 (WHISTLES) 30 00:02:00,321 --> 00:02:02,623 A stockpile of their greatest cases. 31 00:02:02,689 --> 00:02:04,024 The Brief Case. 32 00:02:04,091 --> 00:02:06,192 Hmm. Too brief. 33 00:02:06,259 --> 00:02:07,494 The Suit Case. 34 00:02:07,561 --> 00:02:09,396 Unsuitable. 35 00:02:09,463 --> 00:02:10,798 The Book Case. 36 00:02:10,864 --> 00:02:12,432 A case of the Mondays. 37 00:02:12,499 --> 00:02:16,003 What else we got? 38 00:02:16,070 --> 00:02:18,438 This is starting to look like a hopeless case. 39 00:02:18,505 --> 00:02:19,673 Hey, wait! 40 00:02:19,740 --> 00:02:22,208 What about the cold case files? 41 00:02:22,275 --> 00:02:25,980 (WIND BLOWING) 42 00:02:26,046 --> 00:02:27,348 Eh, what do you know? 43 00:02:27,415 --> 00:02:30,050 It's Crooked Eddie, the stool pigeon. 44 00:02:30,117 --> 00:02:31,451 You want a hot tip on a crime story? 45 00:02:31,518 --> 00:02:32,753 I got a million of 'em! 46 00:02:32,820 --> 00:02:34,221 I see everything that goes on in this burg. 47 00:02:34,288 --> 00:02:36,524 Like, you know that mailbox guy on the corner? 48 00:02:36,591 --> 00:02:38,892 EDDIE: Every day at 5:00, this guy drives up, 49 00:02:38,959 --> 00:02:40,261 jimmies open the box, 50 00:02:40,328 --> 00:02:42,663 steals the mail and throws it in a sack 51 00:02:42,729 --> 00:02:43,998 and drives off! 52 00:02:44,064 --> 00:02:47,534 NARRATOR: That's the mailman, Eddie! 53 00:02:47,601 --> 00:02:49,103 Oh, okay. 54 00:02:49,170 --> 00:02:50,938 Then try this one on for size. 55 00:02:51,005 --> 00:02:53,340 There's this big private club downtown. 56 00:02:53,406 --> 00:02:54,675 People pay to get in. 57 00:02:54,741 --> 00:02:56,644 Inside, it's completely dark. 58 00:02:56,711 --> 00:02:59,681 Except for one bright light over this big square, 59 00:02:59,747 --> 00:03:02,149 where two guys are beating the daylights out of each other. 60 00:03:02,216 --> 00:03:03,583 Nobody tries to stop 'em! 61 00:03:03,650 --> 00:03:05,953 In fact, they're cheering 'em on! 62 00:03:06,020 --> 00:03:08,622 NARRATOR: That's a boxing ring, Eddie! 63 00:03:08,689 --> 00:03:10,024 You don't say. 64 00:03:10,090 --> 00:03:11,825 Three strikes and you're out, Eddie! 65 00:03:11,892 --> 00:03:13,527 Okay, okay. 66 00:03:13,593 --> 00:03:14,862 I've been saving this one. 67 00:03:14,928 --> 00:03:17,031 There's all these yellow cars, 68 00:03:17,097 --> 00:03:19,633 sort of a checkerboard pattern on the side, 69 00:03:19,700 --> 00:03:21,202 picking people up in one place, 70 00:03:21,269 --> 00:03:23,137 dropping 'em off someplace completely different. 71 00:03:23,204 --> 00:03:26,073 Cash changes hands. The implications are staggering! 72 00:03:26,140 --> 00:03:27,341 NARRATOR: Taxi cabs! 73 00:03:27,408 --> 00:03:28,876 We're throwing the book at you, Eddie! 74 00:03:28,943 --> 00:03:30,293 (SQUAWKS) 75 00:03:35,316 --> 00:03:36,917 NARRATOR: Is this for real? 76 00:03:36,984 --> 00:03:39,252 You've finally written an opening paragraph? 77 00:03:39,319 --> 00:03:40,655 Fantastic! 78 00:03:40,722 --> 00:03:42,823 Does it grab the reader right in the first sentence? 79 00:03:42,890 --> 00:03:44,125 Yes! 80 00:03:44,191 --> 00:03:45,559 And it's action-packed, too, right? 81 00:03:45,626 --> 00:03:46,927 Loaded with suspense? 82 00:03:46,994 --> 00:03:48,595 Way to go! 83 00:03:48,662 --> 00:03:51,465 And it's completely factual? 84 00:03:51,531 --> 00:03:53,033 Aw, c'mon buddy, 85 00:03:53,100 --> 00:03:56,804 don't tell me you'd stoop to varnishing the truth. 86 00:03:56,870 --> 00:03:57,871 (CLATTERING) 87 00:03:57,938 --> 00:04:00,241 Thomas, I'm disappointed. 88 00:04:00,308 --> 00:04:02,810 Look, just paint over the bits that aren't true. 89 00:04:02,876 --> 00:04:07,376 It's called "editing." 90 00:04:13,154 --> 00:04:15,555 -(COUGHS) -Back to square one. 91 00:04:15,622 --> 00:04:19,327 The days turn into nights. 92 00:04:19,393 --> 00:04:22,896 And then, into weeks, without a speck of progress. 93 00:04:22,963 --> 00:04:24,632 But it's like that old saying, 94 00:04:24,699 --> 00:04:29,103 "It's always darkest before the dawn." 95 00:04:29,170 --> 00:04:32,039 DAWN: Won't someone help a damsel in distress? 96 00:04:32,106 --> 00:04:33,707 NARRATOR: Her name was Dawn, 97 00:04:33,774 --> 00:04:35,542 Dawn O'Day. 98 00:04:35,609 --> 00:04:37,278 She floated into the office 99 00:04:37,345 --> 00:04:40,381 on a cloud of mystery, intrigue and exotic perfume. 100 00:04:40,448 --> 00:04:43,117 Won't you please help me, Mr. Cat? 101 00:04:43,184 --> 00:04:44,853 I can't pay much. 102 00:04:44,919 --> 00:04:48,322 But this is maybe the greatest case, you will ever solve! 103 00:04:48,389 --> 00:04:50,391 Look lady, some other time, huh? 104 00:04:50,458 --> 00:04:53,861 Can't you see we've got a true-life crime story to write? 105 00:04:53,927 --> 00:04:56,163 Hey, wait... 106 00:04:56,230 --> 00:04:58,533 Maybe Jerry has a handle on this after all! 107 00:04:58,599 --> 00:05:02,469 You could solve her case and write your plot at the same time! 108 00:05:02,536 --> 00:05:03,571 See this? 109 00:05:03,638 --> 00:05:06,273 It's the famous Crimson Carbuncle, 110 00:05:06,340 --> 00:05:09,543 the most valuable ruby in the world! 111 00:05:09,609 --> 00:05:10,844 My fiance, Tony, 112 00:05:10,911 --> 00:05:13,714 gave it to me on our last trip to Orlando. 113 00:05:13,780 --> 00:05:15,682 But Tony is missing suddenly! 114 00:05:15,749 --> 00:05:17,418 I'm starting to fear the worst! 115 00:05:17,485 --> 00:05:19,686 The case had a familiar ring to it. 116 00:05:19,753 --> 00:05:21,521 Tony, Orlando, 117 00:05:21,588 --> 00:05:22,956 and a lady named Dawn. 118 00:05:23,023 --> 00:05:24,158 (SOBBING) 119 00:05:24,225 --> 00:05:28,396 I'm so frightened and alone! 120 00:05:28,462 --> 00:05:30,030 NARRATOR: Fear not, sweet damsel! 121 00:05:30,097 --> 00:05:32,166 If you've got the body, we've got the guard. 122 00:05:32,233 --> 00:05:37,233 Although... (CLEARS THROAT) 123 00:05:39,106 --> 00:05:41,342 My family has a little cabin in the woods. 124 00:05:41,409 --> 00:05:43,244 I just don't feel safe in this city 125 00:05:43,310 --> 00:05:45,846 with every thief in town after this ruby. 126 00:05:45,913 --> 00:05:47,714 I'm afraid to let it out of my sight! 127 00:05:47,781 --> 00:05:49,851 I don't know where to turn. 128 00:05:49,918 --> 00:05:52,886 FEMALE GPS VOICE: At the next exit, turn left. 129 00:05:52,953 --> 00:05:54,689 Yes. 130 00:05:54,756 --> 00:05:57,624 If you ever wondered where the "Middle of Nowhere" is, 131 00:05:57,691 --> 00:05:59,226 this is it. 132 00:05:59,293 --> 00:06:02,196 It's a little run-down, but it's been in the family for ages. 133 00:06:02,263 --> 00:06:04,531 Papa used to say it was haunted. 134 00:06:04,598 --> 00:06:05,732 It was his little joke! 135 00:06:05,799 --> 00:06:06,900 (LAUGHS) 136 00:06:06,967 --> 00:06:10,804 (LAUGHING MANIACALLY) 137 00:06:10,871 --> 00:06:13,673 Let's go inside. 138 00:06:13,740 --> 00:06:14,708 (DOOR CREAKS OPEN) 139 00:06:14,775 --> 00:06:16,210 ALL: Surprise! 140 00:06:16,277 --> 00:06:20,027 ALL: Happy birthday, Tom! 141 00:06:21,682 --> 00:06:24,552 Thanks for helping me find my missing poker pals. 142 00:06:24,619 --> 00:06:29,457 Oui. Merci for reuniting me avec mon cher, Quacker. 143 00:06:29,523 --> 00:06:31,758 And me, with my Pilly Willy! 144 00:06:31,825 --> 00:06:34,795 You big, strong detective, you. 145 00:06:34,861 --> 00:06:36,430 How about a kiss? 146 00:06:36,497 --> 00:06:40,100 From your favorite damsel in distress. 147 00:06:40,167 --> 00:06:42,737 Happy birthday, you big chump! 148 00:06:42,804 --> 00:06:45,040 NARRATOR: Well, Tom, maybe you're no Sam Spade 149 00:06:45,106 --> 00:06:47,709 but you've got a great group of grateful friends 150 00:06:47,775 --> 00:06:51,444 you've helped and it's no mystery why they care so much about you. 151 00:06:51,511 --> 00:06:52,647 (SNIFFS) 152 00:06:52,714 --> 00:06:54,248 (ALL SINGING) ♪ For he's a jolly good fellow 153 00:06:54,315 --> 00:06:56,150 ♪ For he's a jolly good fellow 154 00:06:56,217 --> 00:06:58,919 ♪ For he's a jolly good fellow 155 00:06:58,986 --> 00:07:00,854 ♪ Which nobody can deny ♪ 156 00:07:00,921 --> 00:07:03,791 ALL: Happy birthday, Tom! 157 00:07:03,858 --> 00:07:06,661 NARRATOR: So, the surprise party was a success. 158 00:07:06,728 --> 00:07:08,930 And the place turned out to be haunted after all. 159 00:07:08,997 --> 00:07:12,465 But is there a better place to hire a "ghost writer"?