(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
(REPORTER READING)
REPORTER: Okay, enough with the spinning headlines!
NARRATOR: Yes. It was the dog days of summer.
And this city was under attack by a ferocious phantom canine.
CAT 1: I think he's a purebred.
CAT 2: I'd say more of a mutt.
-And he's a short hair. -I'd say more of a long hair.
Or maybe real curly like.
And he's got at least two eyes.
What kind of stupid clue is that?
CAT 3: The ears, they're kind of pointy.
PIGEON: I'd say more round.
CAT 3: The great big bulging, blood-thirsty eyes!
And he's got a heart of gold.
Wait, forget I said that.
Keep quiet, you birdbrain!
Don't listen to featherhead here!
Show us what you got.
NARRATOR: Hmm. So much for all those art lessons!
Look, the trouble is nobody's gotten a good look at him.
He lurks in the shadows.
Which is probably why you should just forget about it.
The whole case is too dangerous, I tell you.
-Get out of here! -Okay. But don't say I didn't warn yous.
Forget him, he's got bird seed for a brain!
You got to help us. We're desperate!
NARRATOR: Looks like you're elected, Tom, buddy.
It was time to stake out the darkest, creepiest alley in town.
Luckily, they had taken every detail into consideration.
(GULPS)
(DOG GROWLING)
(TOM SCREAMS)
(SCREAMS)
(CAMERA CLICKING)
(DOG GROWLING)
(TRAIN HORN BLARING)
(SCREAMS)
(SIREN WAILING)
(TIRES SCREECHING)
(CRASHING)
(SIREN WAILING)
Okay, fella, time for an adjustment
so you can heal all proper-like.
But don't worry. You ain't gonna feel a thing, mister.
This remote thingy controls everything.
Now, let's start with your sacroiliac.
Whoopsie!
(CHUCKLES) Little tangle there.
Let's just hit the reset button, huh?
Maybe this button here is the one?
(SCREAMS)
-Wrong button. (LAUGHS) -Gee, you think?
Let's see here.
Give me that, you meathead, before you hurt the poor guy.
All right, that takes care of the bed.
Now, what's this one?
-Oh, I guess that's breakfast. -What about coffee?
Sure there's coffee, you mug.
(BEEPING)
-One lump or two? -Two, please!
(JERRY CLEARS THROAT)
-(SHUSHING) -(MUSIC PLAYING ON TV)
All right, let's button mash this thing
and get out of here.
(BEEPING)
(CAT MEOWS)
(BEEPS)
-(BEEPING) -(CAT MEOWS)
(BEEPING)
(POWER FLUCTUATING)
Yous two! I should have known.
Now, quit goofing and get to work!
Excuse me, this is Intensive Care!
I cannot allow visitors for the Cat & Mouse team
unless you can prove you're a close family member.
Meow.
Go ahead.
(SNARLING)
(BEEPING)
-What the... -Oh, my gosh!
Oh, jeez! The doc's losing his patience.
Get 'em both to triage, stat!
BOTH: Aye, aye, sir!
-(ALARM SOUNDING) -(ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)
(SCANNER CLICKING)
NURSE: Oh, that's fabulous!
Now, give us another one. Just like the last...
That's perfect! Wonderful! Now we are talking.
Oh, marvelous! Very good, very good.
Oh, love it! Love it!
Boy, did you see those X-rays on the doc here?
An actual heart of solid gold!
(GROWLING)
(SNARLING)
(BELL DINGS)
(BABIES CRYING)
(BELL DINGS)
(SPLASHING)
I give up! You got me.
But I didn't want to do it.
I'm not a killer at heart, you guys.
And his X-ray proves he ain't lying.
Guy's got a genuine heart of gold.
Yeah, makes it real hard to rat on the guy
who put me up to all this.
Tsk-tsk-tsk.
What kind of creep let's an honest guy like that
take a rap he only half-deserves?
He'd have to be the lowest of the low.
Maybe even lower.
NARRATOR: Ah, you're all being too kind.
Anyone who would do that would have to be the worst,
most despicable, lowdown gutless cowardly stinker
that ever walked the Earth.
Okay, I confess.
Just stop already with the insults.
That's how this whole thing started.
Them alley cats always picking on me,
"Birdbrain this!" "Featherhead that!"
It's enough to make a bird go cuckoo.
So I hired this pooch to rough 'em up for my revenge.
And it felt so good I couldn't stop.
I mean, I deserve a little revenge, don't I?
You can't blame me, can yous?
NARRATOR: Well, yes, we can.
Terrorizing a city 'cause your feelings got hurt
deserves more than a slap on the wrist.
But first, the Cat & Mouse detectives felt a little adjustment
of the bird's sacroiliac was in order.
-(BEEPING) -(SCREAMING)