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(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
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PECOS: Have joined up
with a traveling rodeo show.
Stop.
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Coming through town tonight.
Stop.
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Will drop by
for a visit. Stop.
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P.S.: The sooner you
quit reading this message
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and get to opening
the goddarn door,
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the sooner we can
get to a visitin'!
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Howdy, n-nephew!
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Would have got here sooner
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but it took forever
to find a telegraph office
in this day and age.
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Done give up
my singing career
to join the rodeo.
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Even dusted off my old lariat
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and relearned
my old rope tricks.
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Yee-haw!
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♪ Whoop-ee-ti-yi-o
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♪ Get along little doggies
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♪ It's your misfortune
and none of my own
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♪ Whoop-ee-ti-yi-o
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♪ Get along little doggies ♪
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♪ Oh, frog went a courtin'
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♪ He did ride C-Crambone ♪
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(STRING BREAKS)
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Dagbustit!
Got a guitar string
on you, nephew?
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I see one.
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Well, it sure is
mighty good to see y'all,
n-nephew.
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Gets mighty lonesome
on the road.
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(KNOCKING)
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What's wrong with
this here c-critter?
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He gone loco?
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All this mad cow disease
can drive a man to penury.
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You can't be too careful.
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Let's just check this critter
out for any other symptoms.
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(LAUGHS) Well, look at that.
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The hooves is all as soft
as a marshmallow.
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This calls for
a complete look-see.
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Open up there, critter.
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Got to take a look
under the hood to inspect
your internal...
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-(GULPS)
-(STAMMERS) ...particulars.
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PECOS: Oh, now. Some dang fool
gone turned out the lights.
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Good thing I brought
along some matches.
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(STRIKES MATCH)
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There, now I can
see a little better.
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(MATCH SIZZLING)
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(GULPING)
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(PECOS SPUTTERING)
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(SHATTERING)
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(COUGHS) I guess
it's the rainy season
'round these here parts.
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Oh, dagnabbit!
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All that humidity
done shrunk my...
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(STAMMERS) ...ten-gallon hat
down to a half pint.
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(BLOWS)
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(POPS)
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(TSKING)
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Unfortunately,
for this poor critter,
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I got some bad news.
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Judging from his insides,
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he's just about
the sorriest specimen
I ever did see.
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I'm afraid we're going to have
to put him out to pasture.
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Can't have this one
infecting the rest
of your herd.
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Well, just fetch me
a branding iron.
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Tire iron?
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Nine-iron?
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Well, there's more than
one way to skin a c-cat.
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Let me just have a look
around your chuckwagon here
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to find some
appropriate equipment.
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(CLATTERING)
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Now, I'm going to show you
how we do this down
in the panhandle.
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(CLANKING)
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Whoa, hang on a second...
(STAMMERS) Nephew.
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I believe this critter
has done had
a miraculous recovery.
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(KNOCKING)
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Back off, you mad critter.
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(SCREAMS)
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♪ Whoop-ee-ti-yi-o
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♪ Get along little doggies ♪
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(WHIP CRACKS)
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Now, where did that doggie go?
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It was here just a minute ago.
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Oh, there he is.
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♪ It's your misfortune
and none of my own
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-♪ Whoop-ee-ti-yi-o
-(VACUUM WHIRRING)
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♪ Get along little doggies ♪
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-(HORSE WHINNYING)
-Whooo-ee!
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Now, we're bronco busting.
(LAUGHS)
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♪ Whoop-ee-ti-yi-o
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♪ Get along little doggies
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♪ It's your misfortune
and none of my own
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♪ Whoop-ee-ti-yi-o
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♪ Get along little doggies
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♪ It's time for Wyoming
to be your new home ♪
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(CRASHING)
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Now, where do you
suppose that critter
done got to?
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PECOS: Now, along about
sunset, that's when you
want to be administering
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a little bit of Texas zinger
to your livestock.
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This is full of nutrition,
ambition, sassafras
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and a touch of chili pepper
to give it a little kick.
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(BELLOWING)
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Hmm, maybe it's just
a touch too much kick.
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Hiya, bull!
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(SCREAMING)
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(BANGING)
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Now here comes a demonstrating
of branding this here critter.
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This here's a newfangled,
laser-intensified
branding iron.
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-(CRACKLES)
-I can adjust the setting
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so you don't
feel a dagburn thing.
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-(SIZZLING)
-Oops.
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Where's the shut-off valve
on this thing?
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(SHRIEKS)
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-(SIZZLING)
-Whoa, there.
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(LAUGHS) I guess I should
have read the instructions
a little bit more.
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(SHRIEKING)
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(IRON HISSING)
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(SCREAMING)
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(CRASHING)
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Yup. We lose more
doggies that way.
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(CHORTLES)
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♪ Well, frog went a courtin'
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♪ He did ride C-Crambone
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♪ Frog went a courtin'
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♪ He did ride C-Crambone
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♪ Frog went a courtin',
he did ride
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♪ With a sword and a pistol
by his side
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♪ C-Crambone ♪
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-(STRING BREAKS)
-PECOS: Dagnabbit!
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Busted a guitar string
right in the middle
of the c-chorus.
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(SCREAMS)
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(PECOS SCATTING)
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That's the hard part right
there in the middle there.
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Well, so long...
(STAMMERS) Nephew.
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Don't forget to watch
the rodeo show
on TV t-tonight.
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Thanks for all
your hospitality.
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Oh! Looky here,
here comes my ride.
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-(HOOVES STOMPING)
-(HORSES NEIGHING)
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ANNOUNCER: (ON TV)
And now it's time
for the Lonestar Rodeo's
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biggest laugh sensation,
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Uncle Pecos, the rodeo clown!
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(LAUGHING)
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PECOS: (ON TV)
♪ Whoop-ee-ti-yi-o
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♪ Get along little doggies
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♪ It's your misfortune
and none of my own ♪
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Yah, doggie, come on!
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Whoo-ey!
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Now we're bronco bustin'!