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(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
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NARRATOR: There are
100 million stories
in the big city.
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Okay, maybe
that's an exaggeration.
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But there sure are
a lot of stories like them.
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Truth is stranger than fiction
when you're a private eye.
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(THUNDER RUMBLES)
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The balmy weather wasn't
doing a canine card shark
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named Spike any good.
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His poker playing buddies
were disappearing.
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Will youse just be quiet
and let me tell it?
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As I was saying,
the first to go was
a pooch named Scruffy.
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Then it was
my best pal, Clancy.
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I'm starting to suspect
foul play.
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(GOOSE HONKING)
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You got to help me
find 'em fellas.
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The saddest part is,
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them mutts still owe me
a pound of kibble.
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NARRATOR: When a guy
like Spike puts his money
where his mouth is,
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you got to take it seriously.
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There's a game
tonight at my place,
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in the Bowery Bums
apartments.
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NARRATOR: As 9:00
rolled around, they made
their way to Spike's place.
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The neighborhood was
definitely on the seedy side.
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But the buy-in wasn't
exactly chicken feed.
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A 50-pound bag of kibble.
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-To top it off,
-(KNOCKING)
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they were about to come
face-to-face
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with some of the toughest
junkyard dogs in town.
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-Ooh, my...
-(DOOR OPENS)
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Hey, fellas,
the game's over here.
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NARRATOR: It was time
to ante up and play
some serious poker.
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But in a game
where bluffing is everything,
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-it turns out the dogs
are pretty transparent.
-(PANTING)
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You could tell at a glance
that Gorgeous George
had a hot hand.
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Pugsy had a pair of jacks,
at least.
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But clearly, lady luck
had left Red Herring
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-and Stinker out in the cold.
-(BOTH SHIVERING)
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Spike on the other hand
was a breed apart.
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His poker face
was a total blank.
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(SHIVERING)
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Too bad, all I got
is a full house.
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-Beat that, you flea bags.
-(GASPS)
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I win.
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NARRATOR: Spike was really
raking in the chips
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and the P Eyes started
to wonder if maybe this case
was an inside job.
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The remaing dogs all had
one thing in common.
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ALL: Yeah, we all hate cats.
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(GASPS)
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(TOM PURRING)
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Break it up, you mutts,
we gotta be practical.
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With Scruffy and Clancy
out of the mix,
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we got to settle for whatever
disgusting piece of filth
that gutter spits up.
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No offense, Cat.
So as long as he's here
on my say-so,
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there'll be none of this.
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Or this.
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Or this.
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But, Spike, how about this?
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-Or this?
-(CRACKS)
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Then how about this?
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Especially not that, Stinker.
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I'll lose my deposit.
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Yeah, but Spike, I got to go
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(SHAKILY) real bad.
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-Me too, Spike.
-Me three, Spike.
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All right, all right.
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Let's all hit the park
and give our best to a tree.
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Be back in 10.
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NARRATOR: While the boys
took themselves for a walk,
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the one called Stinker
gave them all the slip.
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The mouse decided
to follow Stinker's trail.
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(FOOT SKIDDING)
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-(CLATTERING)
-It turns out Stinker
didn't need
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a bathroom break after all.
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(EXCLAIMING) That's the stuff.
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NARRATOR: He just liked
to dumpster dive for kicks.
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STINKER: Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
Oh, it stinks so much.
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(SHUTTER CLICKING)
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NARRATOR: When the game
resumed, Gorgeous George
was missing too.
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The Private Eyes knew
it couldn't have been Stinker
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since the pictures proved
he was clean.
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Even if he had been up to
his ears in garbage.
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I hired a detective
not a shutterbug.
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I'm runnin' out of dogs
to beat in poker here.
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Good thing we still got
enough for a game.
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Let's ante up.
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NARRATOR: As the next hand
got underway,
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the detectives noticed
that Red Herring
was acting a little fishy.
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(IMITATING FISH GAPING)
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I'll be right back, fellas.
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I need a drink of water.
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NARRATOR: But it wasn't H2O
Red was filling up on
out in the kitchen.
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When Red Herring returned
looking more like
a blue whale,
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the P Eyes knew it was
time to bring him
in for questioning.
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When it comes
to grilling a dog
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nobody does it better
than these two.
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They also knew how to
interrogate a suspect.
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The evidence
against Red Herring
was really stacking up.
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And his file was
right out in the open.
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But they checked his record,
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and it was clean
as a whistle.
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-(WHISTLES)
-(RECORD CLATTERS)
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What? You think I stole
that dog food to feed
all the missing mutts?
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That does it,
I know my rights.
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-I want to talk to my lawyer.
-LAWYER: Hey, hiya, Red?
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-Oh, hi, Saul.
-How's things?
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Ah, can't complain.
How's the family?
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We're good. Well,
so long, buddy.
Take it easy.
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You too.
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NARRATOR: Enough stalling.
They need some
real information.
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(POPS)
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(BOTH SLAPPING)
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Okay,
quit all the rough stuff,
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I can't take it no more.
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I'll talk. You wanna know
who done it?
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It was Spike, that's who.
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He only hired you to take
suspicion off himself.
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-(SWITCH CLICKS)
-(SCREAMING)
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NARRATOR:
Red had flown the coup,
hopped a bus,
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hit the road,
jumped the shark,
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ate the cannoli.
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Uh, um... Sorry.
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(TRAFFIC LIGHT DINGS)
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It was time
to head back to Spike's place.
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But with Red gone too,
the air of tension
was so thick,
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-(CHAINSAW WHIRRING)
-you could cut it
with a chainsaw.
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Well, at least we still
got enough for a game.
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Let's ante up.
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I said "ante", not "ant."
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(ANT SCREAMS)
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Where are the cards now?
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Stinker, I smell a rat,
and I think it's you.
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You're barking up
the wrong tree, Spike.
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Honest.
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-(LIGHT SWITCH CLICKING)
-(SCREAMING)
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(SWITCH CLICKS)
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NARRATOR: Now they were
really in the dark.
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And Red's story didn't add up.
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Why would Spike
ruin his own gambit?
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Maybe it was time
to quit the case
while they still could.
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SPIKE:
Don't leave me now, Cat.
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I'm in the doghouse, here.
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Can't you see
I'm the next to get it.
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NARRATOR: Meanwhile,
out in the hallway,
clues were piling up like...
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Like clues that pile-up
in a hallway.
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Sorry, I'm all out
of snappy metaphors.
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Okay, gumshoe,
you caught us red-handed.
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My name's Red. Get it?
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We kidnapped ourselves.
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We got fed-up
with losing our collars
to that big bully Spike.
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STINKER: Yeah, the big Stinker
ain't never lost a game
in his life.
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NARRATOR: You couldn't really
blame the poor mutts.
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It was time to close
the book on this case,
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-(BOTH SNORING)
-and get back
to the daily grind.
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As for old Spike,
there wasn't a dog
left in town
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who'd play him anymore.
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So he had to find
some new companions.
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But cats are known
for being inscrutable.
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I give up.
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Nothing beats
a full house of pussy-cats.
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(SIGHS)