1 00:00:02,070 --> 00:00:03,337 [ Door closes ] 2 00:00:03,371 --> 00:00:04,405 Ooh! 3 00:00:04,438 --> 00:00:06,407 Getting a jump on the Halloween decorations? 4 00:00:06,440 --> 00:00:08,176 The 'ween dec. [ Chuckles ] 5 00:00:08,209 --> 00:00:11,512 Never. This is from the window display of my novel, 6 00:00:11,545 --> 00:00:13,247 "A Case of a Knife to the Brain." 7 00:00:13,281 --> 00:00:14,682 Mm. 8 00:00:14,715 --> 00:00:17,851 You know, we never did do that book tour across America. 9 00:00:17,885 --> 00:00:20,154 We should do a road trip when Eddie gets back. 10 00:00:20,188 --> 00:00:22,423 We haven't done one since we moved down here. 11 00:00:22,456 --> 00:00:23,891 * I saw the sign 12 00:00:23,924 --> 00:00:27,261 * And it opened up my eyes, I saw the sign * 13 00:00:27,295 --> 00:00:29,163 I'm fine if that was the last one. 14 00:00:29,197 --> 00:00:30,864 [ Computer chimes ] Evan: Hey! 15 00:00:30,898 --> 00:00:32,600 Eddie sent us an e-mail from Taiwan! 16 00:00:32,633 --> 00:00:35,035 From an Internet café. 17 00:00:35,069 --> 00:00:37,171 Oh, man, those babies are the future. 18 00:00:37,205 --> 00:00:38,339 I bet 10 years from now, 19 00:00:38,372 --> 00:00:40,341 there's two of them for every Blockbuster. 20 00:00:40,374 --> 00:00:42,376 Print the e-mail so we can read it. 21 00:00:42,410 --> 00:00:44,445 [ Printer whirring ] 22 00:00:45,979 --> 00:00:47,548 Here it comes. 23 00:00:49,083 --> 00:00:50,618 [ Whirring slows ] 24 00:00:51,885 --> 00:00:54,054 "What up, other Huangs. 25 00:00:54,088 --> 00:00:56,290 Taiwan is do-ope. 26 00:00:56,324 --> 00:00:58,726 All the unique customs..." 27 00:01:01,562 --> 00:01:03,431 "...the Qing dynasty architecture..." 28 00:01:03,464 --> 00:01:04,798 [ Camera shutters clicking ] 29 00:01:04,832 --> 00:01:06,934 "...enchanting." [ Snores ] 30 00:01:06,967 --> 00:01:09,403 "And don't worry. I'm playing things safe and smart." 31 00:01:09,437 --> 00:01:10,404 I got this, chief. 32 00:01:10,438 --> 00:01:12,106 [ Engine revs ] 33 00:01:12,140 --> 00:01:16,577 ** 34 00:01:16,610 --> 00:01:18,912 Unh! Ugh! 35 00:01:18,946 --> 00:01:19,913 Uggh! 36 00:01:19,947 --> 00:01:22,750 "See you in a few weeks. Peace out." 37 00:01:22,783 --> 00:01:25,386 And then he drew a skull out of commas and semicolons. 38 00:01:25,419 --> 00:01:26,787 It's quite good. 39 00:01:26,820 --> 00:01:28,256 Eddie's really getting our money's worth 40 00:01:28,289 --> 00:01:29,457 out of cultural exchange. 41 00:01:29,490 --> 00:01:30,958 I can't wait till I get to go. 42 00:01:30,991 --> 00:01:32,960 He had me at "Qing dynasty architecture." 43 00:01:32,993 --> 00:01:34,628 I'm gonna go hit the Brittanicas. 44 00:01:34,662 --> 00:01:36,797 [ Chuckles ] 45 00:01:36,830 --> 00:01:38,332 We raised some good kids. 46 00:01:38,366 --> 00:01:39,800 We have. 47 00:01:39,833 --> 00:01:42,236 -- Captions by VITAC -- 48 00:01:42,270 --> 00:01:43,404 * Fresh off the boat 49 00:01:43,437 --> 00:01:45,105 * I'm gettin' mine everywhere I go * 50 00:01:45,139 --> 00:01:47,341 * If you don't know, homey, now you know * 51 00:01:47,375 --> 00:01:48,609 * Fresh off the boat 52 00:01:48,642 --> 00:01:50,944 * Homey, you don't know where I come from * 53 00:01:50,978 --> 00:01:52,446 * But I know where I'm goin' 54 00:01:52,480 --> 00:01:55,216 * I'm fresh off the boat 55 00:01:56,817 --> 00:01:58,986 [ Sighs ] [ Door closes ] 56 00:01:59,019 --> 00:02:00,788 Hey, Emery. What's wrong? 57 00:02:00,821 --> 00:02:02,990 Too many girlfriends? [ Chuckles ] They love him. 58 00:02:03,023 --> 00:02:06,126 I got reprimanded at school for academic dishonesty. 59 00:02:06,160 --> 00:02:07,027 What?! 60 00:02:07,060 --> 00:02:08,128 Remember that video essay 61 00:02:08,162 --> 00:02:10,364 I did with Grandma for Social Studies? 62 00:02:10,398 --> 00:02:13,167 Well, her language was a little salty, 63 00:02:13,201 --> 00:02:14,668 so I had to do some editing. 64 00:02:14,702 --> 00:02:18,539 My first boyfriend was a bricklayer from Malaysia. 65 00:02:18,572 --> 00:02:20,941 He's got strong thighs, 66 00:02:20,974 --> 00:02:24,144 and then we used to stay up all night long... 67 00:02:24,178 --> 00:02:25,979 Emery: Cross-country skiing. 68 00:02:26,013 --> 00:02:27,848 [ Panting ] 69 00:02:31,219 --> 00:02:32,486 I got caught, 70 00:02:32,520 --> 00:02:34,722 and Principal Hunter's making me redo the project. 71 00:02:34,755 --> 00:02:35,823 I'm sorry I got in trouble. 72 00:02:35,856 --> 00:02:37,458 Don't apologize! 73 00:02:37,491 --> 00:02:38,792 It's Grandma's fault. 74 00:02:38,826 --> 00:02:40,528 When you're near the end, anything goes. 75 00:02:43,231 --> 00:02:44,965 You know, if this is "trouble," 76 00:02:44,998 --> 00:02:46,834 we've raised some pretty good kids. 77 00:02:46,867 --> 00:02:48,802 [ Chuckles ] You know what? We really have. 78 00:02:48,836 --> 00:02:49,803 Even Eddie. 79 00:02:49,837 --> 00:02:51,872 I thought he was our throwaway, 80 00:02:51,905 --> 00:02:53,241 but he's really matured. 81 00:02:53,274 --> 00:02:54,308 [ Farting noises ] 82 00:02:54,342 --> 00:02:56,910 See, the key is to lick your palms. 83 00:02:59,112 --> 00:03:00,548 Quick pit stop for gas, 84 00:03:00,581 --> 00:03:02,015 then we hit the street market for lunch. 85 00:03:02,049 --> 00:03:04,252 Hey, Wendy's! Let's go there for lunch. 86 00:03:04,285 --> 00:03:07,154 [ Chuckles ] We're not eating American garbage food. 87 00:03:07,187 --> 00:03:09,156 [ Bus door opens, closes ] 88 00:03:09,189 --> 00:03:10,724 [ Chuckles lightly ] 89 00:03:12,226 --> 00:03:14,928 I'm getting that cheeseburger. 90 00:03:14,962 --> 00:03:17,030 [ Horns blaring, indistinct talking ] 91 00:03:19,900 --> 00:03:22,836 [ Sighs ] What is it with the vehicles here? 92 00:03:22,870 --> 00:03:25,606 ** 93 00:03:25,639 --> 00:03:26,707 [ Air rushing ] 94 00:03:26,740 --> 00:03:29,610 Just giving myself a celebratory blow. 95 00:03:29,643 --> 00:03:31,612 [ Button clicks ] Because... 96 00:03:31,645 --> 00:03:33,547 I got Emery out of trouble. 97 00:03:33,581 --> 00:03:34,748 You faked his death. 98 00:03:34,782 --> 00:03:36,116 Nope, we made a video of him 99 00:03:36,149 --> 00:03:37,785 saying "sorry" in several languages. 100 00:03:37,818 --> 00:03:39,620 We even threw in one as Sean Connery. 101 00:03:39,653 --> 00:03:40,888 [ As Sean Connery ] "Shorry." 102 00:03:40,921 --> 00:03:42,923 [ Sighs ] It's your favorite word. 103 00:03:42,956 --> 00:03:43,957 [ Normal voice ] "Chimichanga"? 104 00:03:43,991 --> 00:03:46,560 No, "sorry." You say it all the time. 105 00:03:46,594 --> 00:03:47,661 I do? 106 00:03:49,497 --> 00:03:50,498 Sorry. 107 00:03:51,632 --> 00:03:52,633 Watch -- Oh! Uh... 108 00:03:52,666 --> 00:03:54,001 Sorry! Sorry! 109 00:03:54,635 --> 00:03:56,103 Ooh! Oh! Oh! 110 00:03:56,136 --> 00:03:57,905 Uh, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. Sorry. 111 00:03:57,938 --> 00:04:01,542 Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. 112 00:04:01,575 --> 00:04:03,110 Okay, maybe I say it a lot, 113 00:04:03,143 --> 00:04:05,212 but only to avoid senseless conflict. 114 00:04:05,245 --> 00:04:07,948 It cheapens the word if you say it all the time. 115 00:04:07,981 --> 00:04:09,149 You're a "sorry" slut. 116 00:04:09,182 --> 00:04:10,284 [ Gasps ] 117 00:04:10,318 --> 00:04:11,719 Well, at least I say it. 118 00:04:11,752 --> 00:04:13,253 You should only apologize 119 00:04:13,287 --> 00:04:14,788 when you've actually done something wrong. 120 00:04:14,822 --> 00:04:16,624 But you never apologize. 121 00:04:16,657 --> 00:04:18,492 [ Clicks tongue ] Bingo. 122 00:04:20,828 --> 00:04:22,730 Thanks again for babysitting Maria. 123 00:04:22,763 --> 00:04:24,665 Of course. 124 00:04:24,698 --> 00:04:26,800 Now, where is the child? 125 00:04:26,834 --> 00:04:28,135 [ Maria cooing ] 126 00:04:28,168 --> 00:04:29,737 Ah. Yes. 127 00:04:29,770 --> 00:04:31,839 [ Clicks tongue ] Jessica was right. 128 00:04:31,872 --> 00:04:33,006 He's perfect. Yeah. 129 00:04:33,040 --> 00:04:34,675 Come on, Honey. Let's go. Oh. 130 00:04:34,708 --> 00:04:36,143 [ Thud ] 131 00:04:36,176 --> 00:04:38,178 Now, any governess worth her frock 132 00:04:38,211 --> 00:04:39,647 comes prepared with the proper tools. 133 00:04:39,680 --> 00:04:40,948 [ Xylophone clangs ] 134 00:04:40,981 --> 00:04:44,318 Music prepares the infant mind for mathematics. 135 00:04:44,352 --> 00:04:46,987 Problem-solving begins in the uterus. 136 00:04:47,020 --> 00:04:49,790 Best we catch up, then. 137 00:04:49,823 --> 00:04:53,126 To know ourselves, we must first know the beasts. 138 00:04:53,994 --> 00:04:58,532 Now, Maria, sometimes a child needs encouragement to eat. 139 00:04:58,566 --> 00:05:02,002 * You are six months, going on seven months * 140 00:05:02,035 --> 00:05:04,605 * Baby, it's time to ea-- 141 00:05:04,638 --> 00:05:06,006 [ Squeak ] 142 00:05:09,410 --> 00:05:11,211 The citywide traffic jam began 143 00:05:11,244 --> 00:05:13,313 when American exchange student Eddie Huang 144 00:05:13,347 --> 00:05:14,815 crashed the bus into a restaurant 145 00:05:14,848 --> 00:05:15,983 for a cheeseburger. 146 00:05:16,016 --> 00:05:17,718 Yo, I didn't crash. 147 00:05:17,751 --> 00:05:19,319 I got stuck. Big difference. 148 00:05:19,353 --> 00:05:21,655 And I never got the cheeseburger. 149 00:05:21,689 --> 00:05:22,823 So you're not sorry 150 00:05:22,856 --> 00:05:25,726 you completely shut down Xinyi District? 151 00:05:25,759 --> 00:05:27,895 It's not my fault the clearance height was in meters. 152 00:05:27,928 --> 00:05:29,897 I can't be driving and doing all kinds of math. 153 00:05:29,930 --> 00:05:30,898 It's not safe! 154 00:05:30,931 --> 00:05:32,833 Chimichanga. 155 00:05:32,866 --> 00:05:34,702 Y'all should look into using feet and miles. 156 00:05:34,735 --> 00:05:36,737 Way less confusing. 157 00:05:36,770 --> 00:05:39,039 So, does this count as "doing something wrong"? 158 00:05:39,072 --> 00:05:43,677 ** 159 00:05:43,711 --> 00:05:45,379 Man: Hey! Oh! 160 00:05:45,413 --> 00:05:47,014 [ Laughter, cheering ] 161 00:05:47,047 --> 00:05:52,886 ** 162 00:05:56,089 --> 00:05:58,726 Taiwan, an entire island, kicked you out! 163 00:05:58,759 --> 00:06:02,430 Yes, but I didn't get kicked out empty-handed. 164 00:06:02,463 --> 00:06:04,064 I got you all gifts! 165 00:06:04,097 --> 00:06:05,599 Oh. They were stolen. 166 00:06:05,633 --> 00:06:07,768 But there is a crab backpack in here for Dad. 167 00:06:07,801 --> 00:06:09,269 Louis: This isn't funny, Eddie. 168 00:06:09,302 --> 00:06:10,571 The cultural exchange program 169 00:06:10,604 --> 00:06:12,105 said they won't take your brothers now. 170 00:06:12,139 --> 00:06:14,141 Zàijin, Yale! 171 00:06:15,308 --> 00:06:17,611 That means "Goodbye, Yale" in Mandarin -- 172 00:06:17,645 --> 00:06:20,280 the language that you've been immersed in for over a month! 173 00:06:20,313 --> 00:06:22,583 You know, I feel like we're only focusing on the negative here. 174 00:06:22,616 --> 00:06:23,584 Positive? 175 00:06:23,617 --> 00:06:24,952 Your boy's home early! 176 00:06:24,985 --> 00:06:27,120 I'm gonna surprise the crap out of Tina. 177 00:06:27,154 --> 00:06:28,856 No! No Tina crap surprises. 178 00:06:28,889 --> 00:06:31,425 You are grounded -- for the rest of your life! 179 00:06:31,459 --> 00:06:33,461 And for whatever comes after that! 180 00:06:33,494 --> 00:06:36,464 You come back as a mushroom, that mushroom is grounded, too. 181 00:06:36,497 --> 00:06:37,698 How would you enforce that? 182 00:06:37,731 --> 00:06:38,799 Not now, Emery! 183 00:06:38,832 --> 00:06:40,434 I had the same question. 184 00:06:40,468 --> 00:06:41,469 Mm. 185 00:06:41,502 --> 00:06:43,604 I thought you had matured, Eddie. 186 00:06:43,637 --> 00:06:45,105 You got your driver's license. 187 00:06:45,138 --> 00:06:46,406 You were acting more responsible. 188 00:06:46,440 --> 00:06:48,108 But you tricked me! 189 00:06:48,141 --> 00:06:50,243 We wanted to raise good kids, 190 00:06:50,277 --> 00:06:53,313 kids who would make a difference and stand up for something 191 00:06:53,346 --> 00:06:56,416 and maybe have enough money to send us to Hawaii twice a year. 192 00:06:56,450 --> 00:06:58,952 But instead, we raised a cheese-burglar. 193 00:06:58,986 --> 00:07:00,420 Wait, Mom. 194 00:07:00,454 --> 00:07:01,622 I know how you feel about 195 00:07:01,655 --> 00:07:03,724 standing up for something, and... 196 00:07:03,757 --> 00:07:05,493 I was. What? 197 00:07:05,526 --> 00:07:06,660 Really, I swear I was! 198 00:07:06,694 --> 00:07:10,397 See, what happened was... 199 00:07:10,430 --> 00:07:11,965 Cheeseburger. [ Scoffs ] 200 00:07:11,999 --> 00:07:15,002 We're not eating American garbage food. 201 00:07:15,035 --> 00:07:15,969 You guys are soft. 202 00:07:16,003 --> 00:07:17,170 Hey! I'm not soft! 203 00:07:18,171 --> 00:07:19,740 And neither are my parents, 204 00:07:19,773 --> 00:07:22,009 especially my beautiful and ageless mother. 205 00:07:22,042 --> 00:07:24,745 Yeah, well, uh, your parents are fools, 206 00:07:24,778 --> 00:07:25,946 and so is your country. 207 00:07:25,979 --> 00:07:26,914 Boom! 208 00:07:26,947 --> 00:07:28,281 [ Drum roll ] 209 00:07:28,315 --> 00:07:31,585 I'm not gonna let you disrespect my parents or my homeland. 210 00:07:31,619 --> 00:07:33,086 [ "The Star-Spangled Banner" plays ] Are we gonna let him insult 211 00:07:33,120 --> 00:07:34,788 our brilliant mothers and native soil? 212 00:07:34,822 --> 00:07:36,590 And let him deny us cheeseburgers? 213 00:07:36,624 --> 00:07:37,525 No!No! No!No! 214 00:07:37,558 --> 00:07:39,426 No, we are not. 215 00:07:39,459 --> 00:07:40,293 USA! 216 00:07:40,327 --> 00:07:41,294 All: USA! 217 00:07:41,328 --> 00:07:42,429 USA! 218 00:07:42,462 --> 00:07:43,664 USA! 219 00:07:43,697 --> 00:07:44,765 USA! 220 00:07:44,798 --> 00:07:46,266 USA! 221 00:07:46,299 --> 00:07:47,501 USA! 222 00:07:47,535 --> 00:07:49,136 USA! USA! 223 00:07:49,169 --> 00:07:52,439 It was like that movie "Braveheart," minus the skirts. 224 00:07:52,472 --> 00:07:55,375 No matter what, you can't just take a bus on a joyride. 225 00:07:55,408 --> 00:07:56,610 You're not a kid anymore, 226 00:07:56,644 --> 00:07:59,212 and you can't make waves in a different country. 227 00:07:59,246 --> 00:08:00,380 No, Eddie was right. 228 00:08:01,314 --> 00:08:03,316 He was? I was? 229 00:08:03,350 --> 00:08:06,119 You stood up for yourself, like you should have. 230 00:08:06,153 --> 00:08:07,354 Eternity grounding lifted. 231 00:08:07,387 --> 00:08:10,724 Yes! You heard her! She said it! No take-backs! 232 00:08:10,758 --> 00:08:16,730 ** 233 00:08:16,764 --> 00:08:18,632 Ooh! 234 00:08:18,666 --> 00:08:21,201 Evan likey. 235 00:08:21,234 --> 00:08:23,871 So, if Eddie makes a formal apology, then you'll let 236 00:08:23,904 --> 00:08:26,073 our other sons participate in cultural exchange? 237 00:08:26,106 --> 00:08:28,075 No apology necessary. Bye-bye! 238 00:08:28,108 --> 00:08:30,744 Jessica! I was making a deal with the exchange program. 239 00:08:30,778 --> 00:08:33,814 If Eddie just apologizes, the boys can go to Taiwan. 240 00:08:33,847 --> 00:08:36,984 So you want him to just roll over and play dead like... 241 00:08:37,017 --> 00:08:39,987 some kind of animal that rolls over and plays dead? 242 00:08:40,020 --> 00:08:41,655 This just isn't worth it, Jessica. 243 00:08:41,689 --> 00:08:44,658 Look, I get the instinct to fight. 244 00:08:44,692 --> 00:08:47,427 When I first moved here, I never backed down from anything. 245 00:08:50,130 --> 00:08:51,999 Whoa. Relax there, fresh-off-the-boat. 246 00:08:52,032 --> 00:08:53,200 I was here first. 247 00:08:55,468 --> 00:08:56,770 Okay, here's what's gonna happen. 248 00:08:56,804 --> 00:08:58,105 I'm going to punch your throat, 249 00:08:58,138 --> 00:08:59,873 then kick your throat, then chop your throat, 250 00:08:59,907 --> 00:09:01,208 and that's just your throat. 251 00:09:02,743 --> 00:09:04,511 You never told me that story. 252 00:09:04,544 --> 00:09:05,746 Yeah, because he beat the hell out of me. 253 00:09:05,779 --> 00:09:08,248 That's why my jaw clicks whenever I eat a Tootsie Roll. 254 00:09:08,281 --> 00:09:09,783 Still, it was good that I lost. 255 00:09:09,817 --> 00:09:11,719 I'm not sure you understand fights. 256 00:09:11,752 --> 00:09:14,087 [ Sighs ] I realized you have to pick your battles. 257 00:09:14,121 --> 00:09:15,956 You want to fight every injustice, 258 00:09:15,989 --> 00:09:17,390 especially as a new immigrant, 259 00:09:17,424 --> 00:09:19,893 but some dumb comment in a grocery store 260 00:09:19,927 --> 00:09:21,929 wasn't worth it, and neither is this. 261 00:09:21,962 --> 00:09:24,197 Eddie made a mistake. He should apologize. 262 00:09:24,231 --> 00:09:27,100 Well, that's just not how I want to raise our boys. 263 00:09:27,134 --> 00:09:29,402 If they feel like they've been wronged, 264 00:09:29,436 --> 00:09:31,271 they should fight -- every time. 265 00:09:31,304 --> 00:09:36,543 ** 266 00:09:36,576 --> 00:09:37,778 Peek-a-boo! 267 00:09:37,811 --> 00:09:39,713 [ Gurgling ] 268 00:09:39,747 --> 00:09:41,148 Peek-a-boo! 269 00:09:41,181 --> 00:09:42,282 [ Coos ] 270 00:09:42,315 --> 00:09:44,117 Peek-a-boo! Peek-a-boo! 271 00:09:44,151 --> 00:09:45,552 [ Sighs ] 272 00:09:45,585 --> 00:09:48,656 Will you just take the flippin' bottle?! 273 00:09:50,924 --> 00:09:52,325 [ Giggles ] Aha! 274 00:09:52,359 --> 00:09:53,794 [ Squeak ] [ Giggles ] 275 00:09:53,827 --> 00:09:55,963 [ Sighs ] Guess we'll do this the hard way. 276 00:09:55,996 --> 00:09:56,964 [ Squeak ] 277 00:09:56,997 --> 00:09:59,499 Bbbbbbbbbbbbbb! 278 00:10:02,670 --> 00:10:06,073 [ Jaw clicking ] 279 00:10:06,106 --> 00:10:07,841 [ Knock on door ] 280 00:10:07,875 --> 00:10:09,309 Permission to come aboard. 281 00:10:09,342 --> 00:10:11,011 Hey! Hey. 282 00:10:11,044 --> 00:10:12,780 I hope we're not interrupting. Mm. 283 00:10:12,813 --> 00:10:15,182 We just wanted to talk about Evan's babysitting. 284 00:10:15,215 --> 00:10:16,817 He's been a little... 285 00:10:16,850 --> 00:10:17,818 Harsh. 286 00:10:17,851 --> 00:10:18,986 Harsh?Harsh? 287 00:10:23,824 --> 00:10:26,126 There's a camera inside the bear. 288 00:10:26,159 --> 00:10:27,795 Uhh...what? 289 00:10:27,828 --> 00:10:30,931 Peek-a-boo! There's one in the moose at the country club, 290 00:10:30,964 --> 00:10:32,700 so be sure to keep your limericks clean. 291 00:10:32,733 --> 00:10:35,302 [ Maria fussing ] 292 00:10:36,737 --> 00:10:38,672 If you don't drink your milk, 293 00:10:38,706 --> 00:10:40,640 this is what's gonna happen. 294 00:10:40,674 --> 00:10:41,641 [ Squeaking ] 295 00:10:41,675 --> 00:10:42,542 [ Crying ] 296 00:10:42,575 --> 00:10:43,677 Evan! 297 00:10:43,711 --> 00:10:44,812 [ Sighs ] 298 00:10:44,845 --> 00:10:47,480 We'll handle this. I'm really sorry, guys. 299 00:10:47,514 --> 00:10:49,382 They just wanted to tell us, Louis. 300 00:10:49,416 --> 00:10:50,818 They didn't come for an apology. 301 00:10:50,851 --> 00:10:53,653 I mean, it wouldn't be the craziest thing in the world -- 302 00:10:53,687 --> 00:10:55,022 Uh, let's go, Honey. Come on. Okay. 303 00:10:55,055 --> 00:10:57,490 [ Door opens ] 304 00:10:57,524 --> 00:10:58,491 [ Door closes ] 305 00:10:58,525 --> 00:10:59,827 What was that?! 306 00:10:59,860 --> 00:11:01,962 Okay, I didn't actually spank her. 307 00:11:01,995 --> 00:11:04,297 I was simply suggesting an alternative outcome 308 00:11:04,331 --> 00:11:05,866 if she refused the bottle. 309 00:11:05,899 --> 00:11:09,336 Look, this isn't gonna be popular, what I'm about to say, 310 00:11:09,369 --> 00:11:11,071 but here it comes -- 311 00:11:11,104 --> 00:11:12,305 she a bitch. 312 00:11:12,339 --> 00:11:14,507 Evan, that's my goddaughter! 313 00:11:14,541 --> 00:11:16,509 Hey, I'm just standing up for myself. 314 00:11:16,543 --> 00:11:17,510 Like Eddie! 315 00:11:17,544 --> 00:11:19,146 [ Scoffs ] 316 00:11:19,179 --> 00:11:21,581 Chimichanga! This house is out of control! 317 00:11:21,614 --> 00:11:25,252 Now your "no apology" philosophy has corrupted Evan, too! 318 00:11:25,285 --> 00:11:29,056 ** 319 00:11:29,089 --> 00:11:30,423 Ma, please tell me 320 00:11:30,457 --> 00:11:32,592 this meeting's to announce a new phone number. 321 00:11:32,625 --> 00:11:33,861 I can't hit up Tina 322 00:11:33,894 --> 00:11:35,595 because that Taiwanese reporter won't stop calling. 323 00:11:35,628 --> 00:11:38,899 And I had to unplug my phone. 324 00:11:38,932 --> 00:11:42,435 I wanted to announce that I spoke to the exchange program, 325 00:11:42,469 --> 00:11:44,604 and the boys can now participate! 326 00:11:44,637 --> 00:11:46,774 Yes! This is why you lead us. 327 00:11:46,807 --> 00:11:50,110 I realized that sometimes you do have to compromise 328 00:11:50,143 --> 00:11:51,678 for the good of others. 329 00:11:51,711 --> 00:11:53,413 So Eddie's going to apologize. 330 00:11:53,446 --> 00:11:55,715 Good God, no. I made a deal. 331 00:11:55,749 --> 00:11:56,716 Lei? 332 00:11:58,986 --> 00:12:01,288 Boys, meet your new sister. 333 00:12:02,555 --> 00:12:04,691 Greetings, host family. 334 00:12:04,724 --> 00:12:06,894 ** 335 00:12:10,263 --> 00:12:11,932 Isn't this exciting?! 336 00:12:11,965 --> 00:12:13,633 Lei's host family in Minnesota fell through 337 00:12:13,666 --> 00:12:15,435 because they got lost in that big mall, 338 00:12:15,468 --> 00:12:17,437 so now she's ours. 339 00:12:17,470 --> 00:12:19,139 Girl, fetch me a Zima. 340 00:12:19,172 --> 00:12:21,474 Jenny, she's not our servant. 341 00:12:21,508 --> 00:12:22,776 Ohh. 342 00:12:22,810 --> 00:12:25,645 She's part of the family for the next year. 343 00:12:25,678 --> 00:12:26,780 Boys, show Lei to her room. 344 00:12:26,814 --> 00:12:27,614 Where's her room? 345 00:12:27,647 --> 00:12:29,116 Your room. The hell?! 346 00:12:29,149 --> 00:12:30,650 [ Both chuckle ] 347 00:12:30,683 --> 00:12:31,785 You can move in with your brothers. 348 00:12:31,819 --> 00:12:33,086 The hell?!The hell?! 349 00:12:34,487 --> 00:12:35,889 Come on, Lei. 350 00:12:35,923 --> 00:12:37,925 FYI, the nightstand is off-limits -- 351 00:12:37,958 --> 00:12:39,126 for your own safety. 352 00:12:39,159 --> 00:12:40,994 Do you know the Backstreet Boys? 353 00:12:42,529 --> 00:12:44,097 Now, don't get me wrong. 354 00:12:44,131 --> 00:12:45,398 I am already starting to plan 355 00:12:45,432 --> 00:12:47,300 some father/exchange-daughter activities, 356 00:12:47,334 --> 00:12:50,137 but wouldn't it just be easier if Eddie apologizes? 357 00:12:50,170 --> 00:12:51,972 You wanted the boys back in the program, 358 00:12:52,005 --> 00:12:53,506 so I took care of it. 359 00:12:53,540 --> 00:12:55,342 You won't even know she's here. 360 00:12:55,375 --> 00:12:57,344 [ Bell Biv DeVoe's "Poison" plays ] 361 00:12:57,377 --> 00:13:00,480 * That girl is poison 362 00:13:00,513 --> 00:13:01,648 [ Air rushing ] 363 00:13:01,681 --> 00:13:02,649 Hi. 364 00:13:02,682 --> 00:13:04,317 ** 365 00:13:04,351 --> 00:13:05,853 * Never trust a big butt and a smile * 366 00:13:05,886 --> 00:13:08,989 [ Low-pitched notes playing ] * That girl is poison 367 00:13:09,022 --> 00:13:10,991 * Poison 368 00:13:11,024 --> 00:13:11,791 * Poison 369 00:13:11,825 --> 00:13:13,293 [ Notes stop ] 370 00:13:13,326 --> 00:13:14,794 ** 371 00:13:14,828 --> 00:13:16,964 [ Notes resume ] 372 00:13:16,997 --> 00:13:18,966 * Poison 373 00:13:18,999 --> 00:13:19,766 * Poison 374 00:13:19,799 --> 00:13:21,168 [ Sighs ] 375 00:13:21,201 --> 00:13:22,202 * Poison 376 00:13:22,235 --> 00:13:24,371 I'm baking the family a cake! 377 00:13:24,404 --> 00:13:25,672 Yum! 378 00:13:25,705 --> 00:13:28,108 * Poison 379 00:13:28,141 --> 00:13:31,178 [ Telephone rings ] 380 00:13:32,179 --> 00:13:33,713 * Poison, poison, poison 381 00:13:33,746 --> 00:13:34,982 Hello? 382 00:13:35,015 --> 00:13:37,851 Yes, this is Cheeseburger Boy's family. 383 00:13:39,352 --> 00:13:40,954 Eddie, why can't you make your bed? 384 00:13:40,988 --> 00:13:44,224 This is our fire lane. It's got to stay clear. 385 00:13:44,257 --> 00:13:45,558 If I roll it up, it won't dry. 386 00:13:45,592 --> 00:13:47,327 Why is it wet in the first place? 387 00:13:47,360 --> 00:13:48,828 Because of my sleep soda. 388 00:13:48,862 --> 00:13:51,031 One of you turds kicked it over last night. 389 00:13:51,064 --> 00:13:53,166 And why does Lei get her own room? 390 00:13:53,200 --> 00:13:55,869 Do I get one if I pick up an instrument twice my size? 391 00:13:55,903 --> 00:13:57,470 Because I can go harp. 392 00:13:57,504 --> 00:14:00,007 I can go harp lickety-split like a crazy man! 393 00:14:00,040 --> 00:14:01,841 Dude, Evan's really freaking out. 394 00:14:02,943 --> 00:14:04,978 Not so fun when someone newer and cuter shows up. 395 00:14:05,012 --> 00:14:06,579 Welcome to irrelevance. 396 00:14:06,613 --> 00:14:08,548 Population -- nobody's counting. 397 00:14:08,581 --> 00:14:10,650 [ Gasps ] That's it! 398 00:14:10,683 --> 00:14:13,020 That's why Maria's in such a bad mood. 399 00:14:13,053 --> 00:14:14,187 [ Sighs ] 400 00:14:14,221 --> 00:14:17,524 Honey's new baby is Maria's Lei. 401 00:14:18,525 --> 00:14:19,626 [ Whispering ] Just nod along. 402 00:14:22,262 --> 00:14:24,164 Hey, hey. Hi. [ Chuckles ] 403 00:14:24,197 --> 00:14:25,765 How are we doing with Lei? 404 00:14:25,798 --> 00:14:27,200 Not great, Pops. 405 00:14:27,234 --> 00:14:29,036 Yeah, this is a mess. 406 00:14:29,069 --> 00:14:30,737 All she does is shower and bake cakes. 407 00:14:30,770 --> 00:14:32,105 I gained 10 pounds. 408 00:14:32,139 --> 00:14:33,406 10 dirty pounds. 409 00:14:33,440 --> 00:14:34,874 [ Knock on door ] Shh! It's Lei! Act natural! 410 00:14:37,744 --> 00:14:40,580 Hey, Evan, do you still have your Beanie Babies? 411 00:14:40,613 --> 00:14:42,115 Lei wants to know about American toys. 412 00:14:43,116 --> 00:14:44,751 No. 413 00:14:44,784 --> 00:14:46,886 Jessica, we need to talk about Lei. Close the door, please. 414 00:14:46,920 --> 00:14:50,123 No. Louis, quit complaining about your host daughter! 415 00:14:50,157 --> 00:14:52,125 She's a sweet girl! 416 00:14:52,159 --> 00:14:53,360 She showers regularly, 417 00:14:53,393 --> 00:14:55,395 she knows her way around a cake tin, 418 00:14:55,428 --> 00:14:57,797 and I haven't heard a peep from her all week. 419 00:14:57,830 --> 00:14:59,732 Lei is on TV! 420 00:14:59,766 --> 00:15:05,638 ** 421 00:15:05,672 --> 00:15:06,773 Damn it, Eddie! 422 00:15:06,806 --> 00:15:09,109 This is why we keep the fire lane clear! 423 00:15:09,142 --> 00:15:11,611 [ Speaking Mandarin ] 424 00:15:11,644 --> 00:15:13,646 [ Lei speaking Mandarin ] 425 00:15:19,819 --> 00:15:22,522 See? They turn everyone into a villain. 426 00:15:27,660 --> 00:15:30,998 Nobody asked you to make delicious cakes! 427 00:15:34,101 --> 00:15:38,338 ** 428 00:15:38,371 --> 00:15:41,741 You left before Lei told Taiwan I'm vain about my hair! 429 00:15:41,774 --> 00:15:42,842 What a liar, right? 430 00:15:42,875 --> 00:15:43,910 I know. 431 00:15:43,943 --> 00:15:45,645 Taiwan sent us a dud. 432 00:15:45,678 --> 00:15:47,147 Maybe I can trade her in. 433 00:15:47,180 --> 00:15:48,948 They did mention a set of twins. 434 00:15:48,982 --> 00:15:50,517 She's not a dud, Jessica. 435 00:15:50,550 --> 00:15:52,785 And her German chocolate is wunderbar. 436 00:15:52,819 --> 00:15:55,355 The problem is, you upended this whole family 437 00:15:55,388 --> 00:15:57,524 all because you refuse to apologize. 438 00:15:58,825 --> 00:16:00,493 You're right. 439 00:16:00,527 --> 00:16:03,030 Her German chocolate is excellent. 440 00:16:03,063 --> 00:16:05,999 But her buttercream is a little bit "grocery store." 441 00:16:06,033 --> 00:16:07,300 Jessica! 442 00:16:07,334 --> 00:16:09,302 Eddie stole a bus to eat a cheeseburger. 443 00:16:09,336 --> 00:16:11,671 You know he wasn't really standing up for something. 444 00:16:12,705 --> 00:16:14,807 Fine! I knew he was lying. 445 00:16:14,841 --> 00:16:17,144 Maybe I was just looking for an excuse to save him. 446 00:16:17,177 --> 00:16:18,811 Save him from what? 447 00:16:18,845 --> 00:16:21,048 When I first moved to this country, 448 00:16:21,081 --> 00:16:23,383 I didn't know the language or the culture. 449 00:16:23,416 --> 00:16:25,652 I would shrink my shoulders, 450 00:16:25,685 --> 00:16:28,621 put my head down, and try to be invisible. 451 00:16:28,655 --> 00:16:30,223 The immigrant shrivel. 452 00:16:30,257 --> 00:16:33,126 A model minority. 453 00:16:33,160 --> 00:16:35,795 I didn't want to cause any trouble, 454 00:16:35,828 --> 00:16:38,465 so I apologized all the time, 455 00:16:38,498 --> 00:16:40,467 even when I wasn't wrong, like you do. 456 00:16:40,500 --> 00:16:44,003 Until one day, back when I was teaching, 457 00:16:44,037 --> 00:16:46,306 I gave this kid an F. 458 00:16:46,339 --> 00:16:47,507 He got upset, 459 00:16:47,540 --> 00:16:49,676 and he told his parents that I shouted at him, 460 00:16:49,709 --> 00:16:51,211 which I didn't do, 461 00:16:51,244 --> 00:16:54,381 but instead of standing up for myself, 462 00:16:54,414 --> 00:16:56,183 I agreed to apologize. 463 00:16:56,216 --> 00:16:59,352 I'm very sorry for what happened with Steven. 464 00:16:59,386 --> 00:17:01,354 Please accept my apology. 465 00:17:01,388 --> 00:17:02,989 Thank you. 466 00:17:03,022 --> 00:17:04,524 [ Sighs ] 467 00:17:04,557 --> 00:17:06,093 You're still gonna fire her, right? 468 00:17:06,126 --> 00:17:08,995 We'd hate to have to tell the school board about this. 469 00:17:09,028 --> 00:17:09,996 Uh-- 470 00:17:10,029 --> 00:17:11,098 Yes. 471 00:17:11,131 --> 00:17:13,600 I suppose that is the only appropriate move. 472 00:17:13,633 --> 00:17:15,068 What? 473 00:17:15,102 --> 00:17:16,103 You understand, Jessica. 474 00:17:16,136 --> 00:17:18,705 It's just easier this way. 475 00:17:18,738 --> 00:17:20,940 I did everything they wanted me to, 476 00:17:20,973 --> 00:17:22,442 but I still lost my job. 477 00:17:22,475 --> 00:17:26,079 I felt so powerless and weak. 478 00:17:26,113 --> 00:17:28,415 I don't want the boys to ever feel that. 479 00:17:28,448 --> 00:17:32,252 Eddie being alone in a new country, 480 00:17:32,285 --> 00:17:35,922 like we were, brought all that back. 481 00:17:35,955 --> 00:17:39,526 And in two years, he's gonna be out on his own for good. 482 00:17:39,559 --> 00:17:42,462 Jessica... 483 00:17:42,495 --> 00:17:44,131 we have great kids. 484 00:17:44,164 --> 00:17:46,266 And they have the strongest mother in the world. 485 00:17:46,299 --> 00:17:47,700 I am strong. 486 00:17:47,734 --> 00:17:49,769 But even great kids make mistakes. 487 00:17:49,802 --> 00:17:52,372 Eddie owning that won't make him weak. 488 00:17:52,405 --> 00:17:54,974 Saying sorry is one of the hardest things you ever do. 489 00:17:55,007 --> 00:17:56,309 [ Sighs ] 490 00:17:56,343 --> 00:17:59,078 If the boys learn to do that, it'll only make them stronger. 491 00:18:01,748 --> 00:18:05,118 [ Babbling ] 492 00:18:05,152 --> 00:18:06,719 Evan: Thanks for having me over. 493 00:18:06,753 --> 00:18:08,321 There's something I need to say to Maria. 494 00:18:08,355 --> 00:18:10,757 [ Clicks tongue ] That's so sweet. [ Chuckles ] 495 00:18:10,790 --> 00:18:13,160 Maria, I forgive you. 496 00:18:13,193 --> 00:18:14,461 Huh? 497 00:18:14,494 --> 00:18:15,595 I thought you hated me because you had 498 00:18:15,628 --> 00:18:17,130 all the compassion of a bag of sand. 499 00:18:17,164 --> 00:18:19,499 But then I realized it's not about me. 500 00:18:19,532 --> 00:18:22,435 You were just upset a new baby's gonna take your place, 501 00:18:22,469 --> 00:18:23,936 but nobody could ever do that. 502 00:18:26,306 --> 00:18:28,241 There's that smile! 503 00:18:28,275 --> 00:18:29,242 But she's not smiling -- 504 00:18:29,276 --> 00:18:30,410 No, let him have this. 505 00:18:30,443 --> 00:18:32,979 He's working through something. 506 00:18:33,012 --> 00:18:35,148 [ Fussing ] 507 00:18:35,182 --> 00:18:36,516 [ Chuckles ] 508 00:18:38,185 --> 00:18:40,019 After Eddie apologizes, 509 00:18:40,052 --> 00:18:42,422 your other sons can participate in the program, 510 00:18:42,455 --> 00:18:43,823 and Lei will go to another home. 511 00:18:43,856 --> 00:18:46,293 Close to a Planet Hollywood? 512 00:18:46,326 --> 00:18:48,495 Just to be clear -- 513 00:18:48,528 --> 00:18:50,363 if you had actually been standing up for yourself, 514 00:18:50,397 --> 00:18:52,098 I would never let you do this. 515 00:18:52,131 --> 00:18:53,132 You knew I was lying? 516 00:18:53,166 --> 00:18:54,667 I always know when you're lying. 517 00:18:54,701 --> 00:18:56,869 Plus, you are not charismatic enough 518 00:18:56,903 --> 00:18:59,839 to get a bus full of children to chant "USA." 519 00:18:59,872 --> 00:19:01,541 I know. 520 00:19:01,574 --> 00:19:02,542 Sorry, Ma. 521 00:19:02,575 --> 00:19:03,476 [ Sighs ] 522 00:19:03,510 --> 00:19:04,844 I must admit, I do love the word 523 00:19:04,877 --> 00:19:06,546 when it's coming in my direction. 524 00:19:06,579 --> 00:19:08,815 So maybe you'll start saying it yourself? 525 00:19:08,848 --> 00:19:11,284 [ Chuckles ] Oh, Louis, I love your optimism. 526 00:19:11,318 --> 00:19:13,720 Okay. Here come the words. 527 00:19:13,753 --> 00:19:15,955 [ Clears throat ] Mm. 528 00:19:15,988 --> 00:19:18,157 I'm sorry I took the tour bus and crashed it 529 00:19:18,191 --> 00:19:19,726 and shut down half of Taipei. 530 00:19:19,759 --> 00:19:22,729 It was immature, and I'm really sorry. 531 00:19:24,231 --> 00:19:25,965 Thank you for this opportunity 532 00:19:25,998 --> 00:19:27,900 and for lifting the ban on our boys. 533 00:19:27,934 --> 00:19:30,069 Uh, well, it would go a long way 534 00:19:30,102 --> 00:19:32,639 if you two also expressed some remorse -- 535 00:19:32,672 --> 00:19:35,842 for raising such a reckless son? 536 00:19:39,912 --> 00:19:41,881 Uh, Jessica, remember -- 537 00:19:41,914 --> 00:19:43,550 sometimes you just have to apologize. 538 00:19:45,017 --> 00:19:47,887 Now is not one of those times. 539 00:19:47,920 --> 00:19:49,322 Okay. Here's what's gonna happen. [ Neck cracks ] 540 00:19:49,356 --> 00:19:50,823 I'm going to punch your throat, 541 00:19:50,857 --> 00:19:52,825 then kick your throat, then chop your throat. 542 00:19:52,859 --> 00:19:55,828 And that's just your throat. 543 00:19:55,862 --> 00:19:58,831 ** 544 00:19:58,865 --> 00:20:00,700 All: Bye, Lei! 545 00:20:03,236 --> 00:20:05,238 I borrowed 100 bucks from her. 546 00:20:05,272 --> 00:20:06,373 She'll never see it. 547 00:20:06,406 --> 00:20:09,342 I'm impressed you got us out of that meeting 548 00:20:09,376 --> 00:20:10,743 without apologizing. 549 00:20:10,777 --> 00:20:12,912 Hmm. I'm just glad I didn't have to fight that guy. 550 00:20:12,945 --> 00:20:15,615 He seemed like the type who secretly has a rocked-up core. 551 00:20:15,648 --> 00:20:17,750 Wiry. Like Linda Hamilton. Mm. 552 00:20:19,252 --> 00:20:21,554 God bless whoever winds up with that monster. 553 00:20:21,588 --> 00:20:25,858 ** 554 00:20:25,892 --> 00:20:26,893 Okay. 555 00:20:30,463 --> 00:20:32,299 ** 556 00:20:32,332 --> 00:20:34,133 Hey, can we hit that drive-thru? 557 00:20:34,166 --> 00:20:35,134 No!No!No!No! 558 00:20:35,167 --> 00:20:36,736 Jessica: Oh, that reminds me, Eddie. 559 00:20:36,769 --> 00:20:39,806 You are un-un-grounded, Cheeseburger Boy. 560 00:20:39,839 --> 00:20:41,140 What? Mom, you can't ground me. 561 00:20:41,173 --> 00:20:42,775 I'm gonna be a junior in high school. 562 00:20:42,809 --> 00:20:44,277 That means I own you for another two, 563 00:20:44,311 --> 00:20:45,445 possibly three years. 564 00:20:45,478 --> 00:20:47,146 And I'm gonna make sure those years 565 00:20:47,179 --> 00:20:48,948 feel as long as possible. 566 00:20:51,150 --> 00:20:54,220 Hey, you can still listen to music, Eddie. You love music! 567 00:20:54,253 --> 00:20:55,888 [ Sugar Ray's "Every Morning" plays ] 568 00:20:55,922 --> 00:20:56,989 Huh? 569 00:20:58,625 --> 00:21:01,227 * Every morning, there's a halo hangin' * 570 00:21:01,260 --> 00:21:05,332 * From the corner of my girlfriend's four-post bed * 571 00:21:05,365 --> 00:21:06,999 I love you guys, but I'm out. 572 00:21:07,033 --> 00:21:09,135 * I know it's not mine, but I'll... * 573 00:21:09,168 --> 00:21:11,137 [ The Notorious B.I.G.'s "Big Poppa" plays ] 574 00:21:11,170 --> 00:21:13,005 * Uh, work it out * 575 00:21:13,039 --> 00:21:14,841 * Yeah, yeah * 576 00:21:14,874 --> 00:21:18,010 ** 577 00:21:18,044 --> 00:21:19,679 * Junior M.A.F.I.A. * 578 00:21:19,712 --> 00:21:21,481 ** 579 00:21:21,514 --> 00:21:23,916 * Oh, oh, ohhhhh, oh, oh, oh * 580 00:21:23,950 --> 00:21:26,353 * Shut the door, baby, don't say a word * 581 00:21:26,386 --> 00:21:27,854 Think that's a good idea. 582 00:21:27,887 --> 00:21:29,188 Hmm.