What up, elders?!
Can't believe in a couple hours, I'll be in Taiwan.
Why are you dressed like a man
who yells at women in Times Square?
Oh, my fuzzy Kangol?
Since I'm going on this cultural exchange,
I can switch my look without Trent clowning on me.
That boy hates change.
Quick Taiwan question --
is the boys' bathroom symbol the same?
I'm not going to answer that, but take a seat.
Now, since this is your first trip by yourself,
your mother and I want you to be prepared.
That's a lot of Taiwanese cash.
Consider this your emergency fund.
Please don't use it to get into a Taipei disco.
I want to be there for your first time.
JESSICA: And just in case,
we got you a pre-paid cellphone.
It's programmed with Big Auntie's number in Taipei.
Sick!
I'm gonna wear this on my belt,
like a vacationing businessman.
Johnson, you better have a damn good reason
for calling me in Cancún.
This is not a joke!
Do you know the number for 911 in Taiwan?
(chuckles softly) Uh...
It's 119.
By the time you've figured that out,
your stolen kidney
has already been sewn inside a rich man's son.
And last but not least...
Is this...for my butt?
It's a neck pillow.
It'll help you fall asleep on the plane
so you can avoid the deadly effects of jet lag.
(scoffs) Deadly?
Deadly.
My first day in America,
I'm walking across the street, feeling good,
and then bam -- jet lag.
I get hit by a bus, and then I die.
That sounds made up.
Some facts changed for dramatic effect.
All I'm saying is, immigrating here was hard.
I'm saving the real story for my memoir -- Dark Waters.
EDDIE: Seriously, guys, relax.
I can handle this trip.
Oh, I thought I could handle everything when I moved to America.
My first week here,
I was working as a seafood delivery guy...
LOUIS: ...when my mediocre English got me lost.
**
(siren wailing in distance)
(dramatic music plays)
Uh...
Uh, friendship gift crab?
(all grumbling)
**
Guys, I've heard these stories a million times.
We just want you to be careful.
When you're in a new country
and you don't speak the language well
and you don't have any money, it can be dangerous.
But I've been in Taiwan before,
and I'm not just a little kid anymore.
Trust me -- I got this.
(sighs)
Johnson, I'm with my kids at the beach.
This better be good.
**
* Fresh off the boat *
* I'm gettin' mine everywhere I go *
* If you don't know, homey, now you know *
* Fresh off the boat *
* Homey, you don't know where I come from *
* But I know where I'm goin' *
* I'm fresh off the boat *
(mid-tempo music plays)
(audience gasps)
(laughs)
I'll remember this performance forever.
Amazing!
Speech! Let's hear some words!
(speaks Taiwanese)
Kidding! I'll be speaking English.
Excellent.
You're not here to be challenged.
You're here to have fun and learn about your heritage!
Oh, thank God.
(chuckles)
You're hilarious, man.
Pete -- Newark, New Jersey.
Eddie -- Orlando.
You're from Newark?
Do you know Redman?
Comes to my dad's sporting goods store all the time.
Dude goes through a lot of tents.
-(chuckles) -What about you?
You meet anyone cool, like, uh, like Penny Hardaway?
A few.
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, DMX,
Jimmy Jam and Terry Lewis...
(gasps) Billie Jean King.
Damn! Oh, we gotta hang out.
I need me some Terry Lewis stories.
(chuckles)
Now, you all ready to do some traditional mountain paintings?
Me neither.
Let's get some Boba Tea and go to the mall!
(cheers and applause)
LOUIS: What a beautiful day for a ride.
JESSICA: Isn't this perfect?
With Eddie gone, we can enjoy fun family activities
without any "Eddie surprises."
"Surprises"?!
Last time we went biking, he cut my brakes!
(dramatic music plays, wheels squeaking)
EVAN: Tell my storyyyyyyyy!
I made a whole list of things to do
now that we are Eddie-free,
including a daily bike ride.
I think this time apart from him is gonna be good for us.
You know, us riding together like this
reminds me of that scene in The Sound of Music.
* Doe, a deer, a female deer *
* Ray, a drop of golden sun *
* Mi! *
* A name I call myself *
* Fa! *
* A long, long way to run *
* So! *
* A needle pulling thread *
* La! *
ALL: * A note to follow so *
* Ti! *
ALL: * A drink with jam and bread *
* That will bring us back to doe, oh, oh, oh *
Whoa! Check out that stand!
Oh! Look at that fanny pack shaped like a wiener dog!
That's so cute!
I mean...cool.
Cool. I-I don't say "cute."
Nah, if it's cute, say it's cute.
Like, uh, this foam cowboy hat with a built-in radio?
That's pretty cute.
EDDIE: (chuckles) I'm-a get that for my bro Emery.
A Hello Kitty-themed Chinese yo-yo?
EDDIE: Cute as hell! I'm-a get that for my moms.
Now I need something for my dad.
That crab backpack!
PETE: Don't get me wrong -- it's cute and all,
but why would your dad want that?
Oh, he told me this dumb story
about him and some live crabs
to scare me about living in another country.
That backpack will be a funny jab.
(chuckles)
PETE: Dance Dance Revolution Extreme?!
We just got DDR in the U.S.,
and they already have a sequel in Asia!
I hope you wore your loose-crotched pants,
'cause we about to go to work!
EDDIE: Wait, hold up -- before we hop on,
I need to call my boy Trent -- he's obsessed with DDR.
(telephone ringing)
(sighs) Hello?
Trent? You will not believe what I found in Taiwan.
Eddie? It's 1:00 in the morning.
They have DDR Extreme!
DDRX?!
Put the phone on the edge of the screen
and let me listen to you dance.
* DDR *
Wonderful.
(music continues)
PETE: Crap!
We were supposed to meet our group
a half-hour ago by the bus!
Dude, it's easy to get around Taiwan.
We can just take the subway home --
after we finish another round of DDR.
My hips just warmed up!
ANNOUNCER: We're waiting for you! Are you ready?
(dance music plays)
(snoring)
**
Wow, Jessica. You broke out the fancy china.
I thought this only came out for weddings and funerals.
With Eddie gone, we can use the good stuff
without worrying about him breaking it.
I know we have a funeral coming up,
but I figured, why wait?
Whose funeral?
No one's.
Okay, come on, eat up!
There's half a pork shoulder left. It's the good half!
-I'm stuffed. -Me too.
Hmm. I cooked my usual portions.
I guess with Eddie gone, we'll just have more leftovers.
This morning, I had my usual bowl of Lucky Charms,
and there were so many more marshmallows.
I haven't seen a Shamrock Hat in years.
Ugh. He'd pick a marshmallow out
and say, "Top of the morning to you,"
in that weird Irish accent that sounded like Dracula.
(as Dracula) "Top of the morning to you."
Do any of you know what color boxers I'm wearing?
No. Because Eddie's not here to administer my daily pants-ing.
(speaks Chinese)
And look at our Costco bulk toilet paper pack.
**
Barely a dent.
Hey, maybe we should call Eddie and see how he's doing.
No!
If he needs us, he'll call.
But I miss him. Don't you?
No.
Oh, come on.
We have plenty to talk about besides Eddie.
(sighs)
GRANDMA: (sighs)
Isn't the weather beautiful today?
-Sunny. -So sunny!
Very sunny.
(clears throat)
Back to this funeral...
(man speaking indistinctly over P.A.)
Oh, crap. I'm outta cash.
I just got carried away buying gifts.
Can you cover me? I'll get you back.
I only had enough for one fare.
Okay, we'll figure out another way home.
Sorry. I'm hopping on the next train.
Connie Chung's granddaughter's in the program,
and if I don't make a move at lunch,
I'll regret it for the rest of my life.
Is she cute?
Breaking news -- she re cute.
Oh.
(train wheels screeching)
Oh, wait! Um, what's the address to our dorm, again?
825 Lane 199, Xiazing Road.
Uh, 825 21 J-Jump Street --
Crap!
**
We're okay, Crabby.
I'll just call Big Auntie,
and she'll come pick us up.
**
Ugh!
I used all my minutes calling Trent!
(indistinct conversations, horns honking)
Excuse me. Want to buy this Garfield?
Hi! Meow-meow! You want to buy this cat?
I know there's some Mandarin in me somewhere. Um...
**
Yo-yo!
Yo-yo?
Oh.
(speaks Chinese)
**
(sighs)
What's wrong? Why is everybody so down?
I think we're just a little sad because we miss Eddie.
He's only been gone a few hours.
(speaks Chinese)
LOUIS: Come on, Jessica.
You don't miss him even just a little bit?
It's okay to admit it if you do.
Do you miss breakfast? That was a few hours ago.
Even I have to admit,
I miss Eddie's great conversation skills.
This meal's a dud because he's gone.
(scoffs) Eddie?! What --
How is Eddie a great conversationalist?
He just keeps the chat flowing.
Like when someone's telling a story,
he asks smart questions
and brings other people into the dialogue.
I can do that. Okay, somebody tell a story.
I'll fill in for Eddie.
Okay. Well, a funny thing happened in gym class --
-What was it? -I was just getting to that.
What day of the week was it?
-That's irrelevant. -Emery, jump in.
Do you think the day of the week is irrelevant?
I don't know.
(sighs) Louis, what about you?
Do you think the day of the week is irrelevant?
I think you should let Evan finish his story first.
(sighs) Great point, Louis.
Evan, continue.
So, the gym teacher's wearing shorts --
Ho! An adult man in shorts!
Jenny, isn't that ridiculous?
I am uncomfortable.
Louis, make a joke about your mother's discomfort.
Oh. Um...
Not as uncomfortable
as when we have to hear you sing Peking opera.
(chuckles nervously)
How dare you!
Aw, geez. The wheels are really coming off this meal.
But everybody is talking, and the energy is way up.
LOUIS: Jessica, you have to admit,
it's just not the same without Eddie.
I agree.
It's better.
You're just romanticizing him because he's gone.
You did the exact same thing with Grandma's bird.
(deep voice) "Gigi was so funny.
I wish Gigi was here."
(normal voice) You forgot that Gigi ate all our Band-Aids
and nested in the VCR.
That doesn't sound like Gigi.
She pecked you in the face, Louis.
W-- That was a kiss!
**
MAN: (speaks Chinese over P.A.)
Xiazing Road? I'm only one stop away!
**
(snoring)
SUBWAY WORKER: (speaks Chinese)
What's happening?
End of the line. Get off.
Are we at Xiazing Road?
That was 15 stops ago.
Where are my bags?!
Dang.
Jet lag is real.
Did you see that huge mustache
on the hot dog guy we just passed?
Bet Eddie would've zinged him good.
LOUIS: Yeah, something clever like,
"Hey, you got a caterpillar under your nose."
No. Not like that.
Since you all miss Eddie so much
I thought I would do something for you.
What do you mean?
Oh, no! Big turn coming up! Better slow down!
-(brakes clack) -(gasps)
My brakes don't work!
Mine either!
Oh, no! It's happening again!
EMERY: How do I stop this thing?!
As you can see, I have clipped your brakes.
You all miss Eddie so much?
Here's a reminder of what you're actually missing!
EVAN: Aim for the lily pads!
(bicycle bell rings)
I'm sorry, Crabby.
Don't worry. We'll find a way home.
(speaks Chinese)
(distorted speaking, dramatic music plays)
(distorted speaking continues)
(distorted laughter)
Guys, let's be friends.
Um... do you like comedy?
I-I can do a really good leprechaun impression.
(Irish accent) "Me gold's at the end of the rainbow!"
(speaks Chinese)
No, please.
It's the only thing I have left.
Hey, don't worry! I'll get these guys off your back.
Whoa. I can understand Mandarin.
Immersion is the key.
-I'm speaking English. -Oh.
Hey.
(speaks Chinese)
-(shouts angrily) -(gasps, groans)
(clatter, thud)
Fine. Just take it.
(all gasp)
(speaks Chinese)
(engines rev)
**
So, I hope you all learned a valuable lesson today.
Lesson? What lesson?
You cut our brakes, and we fell into a lake!
Because you needed to be reminded
of the annoying things Eddie did!
(sighs) Yeah, Eddie's a handful,
but he also adds so much.
Why won't you acknowledge that?
There's nothing to acknowledge.
But I do have something for you to think about.
While you're wasting your time missing Eddie,
he isn't missing you.
How would you even know?
Because he hasn't called us yet!
If he cared, he would call!
Jessica.
Is Mom okay?
(speaks Chinese)
**
Holy moly!
Your Grandma's weird example is right.
Your mom misses Eddie, and she's expressing it
as hostility towards us and our bicycles.
We have to do something to help her get her feelings out --
for her sake and for ours.
(speaks Chinese)
-No. -No, thanks.
-Yeah. -I'm good, thanks.
Thanks again for trying to help.
What are you doing in this part of town?
This isn't a tourist area.
I got separated from my cultural exchange group,
and then I blew all my money on gifts,
and then I lost those gifts,
then my ass got lost, too.
Rough.
Do you have a phone I can use?
I need to call my Big Auntie so she can come pick me up.
Yeah, I have a phone at my home.
But I have to finish my route first.
Hey, why don't you help me out for the day?
And then when we're done, you can use my phone.
How are you with a knife?
Not as good as I am with a spoon!
**
(door opens)
LOUIS: Here she comes.
Follow my lead.
What are you guys doing?
Drawing portraits of your favorite times with Eddie
and then kissing them?
That's not a bad idea.
But no. Take a seat.
I picked up some "Missing You" greeting cards
to send to Eddie.
I thought you might like to sign them.
You want me to perjure myself in print?
I don't miss Eddie.
If one of you committed a murder,
I wouldn't take the bloody knife
and wipe it all over my body so we can both take the fall.
I don't think that's what we're --
You want me to drive to the store in my bloody blouse,
make memorable small talk with the cashier,
and then, when I go to write the check,
accidentally pull out the knife instead of my pen?
No. No way.
You wouldn't be perjuring yourself,
because you actually do miss Eddie.
I don't miss people.
People are either here or they're not here.
"Missing" is just something that happens
in Mariah Carey songs.
Just take a look at the cards
and see if you feel differently.
Fine.
(sighs)
"There's a pit in my stomach because I miss you."
Clever.
"Even though you're far away,
I think about you night and day."
Poignant.
"You can't tell on my face that I'm sad,
(voice breaking) but I miss you."
(sniffles) Okay, fine!
I miss Eddie!
I'm just like this loose-skinned dog.
The house just isn't the same without him.
Why won't he call?
I just want him to call.
LOUIS: This is hard.
But it's good that you're letting it out.
Talking about Eddie will at least make him here with us in spirit.
That's so cheesy, Louis.
But you're right.
Ugh! Why are cheesy things right?!
Are Mariah Carey songs built upon the truth?
Is she the greatest artist in all of music history?
This is a lot to process.
It's good that you learn to be without Eddie,
because in two years, he'll be gone forever.
-(exhales shakily) -Ma, unhelpful.
Then you will have to do it with these two.
Ma!
I thought we were supposed to talk about things.
**
Damn, that was hard work.
Hell of a sweat ring you got going.
(chuckles)
WILLIE: Yep, that's a lot of work,
but I almost saved up enough
to open a restaurant of my own down the block.
Better and easier idea -- just bring your food to Orlando.
Your noodles are better than anything we have in the States.
You'd make a killing.
Eddie, come on. It's not that easy.
EDDIE: Sure it is.
My dad has a restaurant,
and he'd totally give you advice.
Wait. Your dad owns a successful restaurant in America?
It's won a couple regional awards.
You know, a Palmy, a Pruny...
Man.
I immigrated to the U.S. three years ago.
I stayed with my cousins in Nevada,
and we tried to open up a shop.
It bombed.
People were like, "Why is my spaghetti in soup?"
Fools.
Succeeding the way your parents did is very hard.
Didn't they tell you?
They did, but I thought
they were just doing that "back in my day" thing.
You know, "Back in my day, there was no hand sanitizer.
We just boiled our hands."
Dude!
Look at you.
You come here on a cultural exchange,
which is the most sheltered version of visiting a country,
and you end up broke, lost,
and clutching a crab backpack for comfort.
**
It's no joke what your parents pulled off.
**
Anyway...
you should call your Big Auntie.
**
(telephone ringing)
-(telephone beeps) -Hello?
-Hey, Mom. -Eddie!
I'm...somewhat excited you called.
I'm like a 5 on a scale of 10 in excitement.
-(telephone beeps) -No, we're at a 10.
-How's it going out there? -EDDIE: Hey, Dad.
Let's just say it's more than I ever expected.
You went clubbing, didn't you?
Did you go to Diablo Yang's?
Anything goes on that dance floor.
I'm pretty sure that's a library now.
Oh, what a waste.
EDDIE: Anyway, I'm just calling
to tell you guys I'm sorry.
I should've respected your advice.
Who is this?
No, I'm serious, Mom.
I've got next-level respect
for your struggle as immigrants to America.
Hmm.
That means a lot, son.
Wait. Why do you have a newfound respect?
Are you in trouble?
(chuckles) No, I'm fine.
I made some cool-ass friends here,
including this one guy named Willie.
He makes the best noodles.
Wait, wait. Are you calling your parents?
WILLIE: That's long-distance, man!
What are you doing?!
We spent hours on a kissable drawing to cheer Mommy up,
and just when we're about to show it to her,
Eddie calls and ruins it.
Classic Eddie -- such a wild card.
(sighs)
God, I've missed him.
**
EMERY: Hey, Eddie!
Guess what.
Grandma has tattoos of the cast of "Cheers."
Rhea Perlman is on her lower back.
(laughter)
So, what else is going on?
EDDIE: (speaking indistinctly)
(laughter)
**
I'll go first. Here's my Eddie.
(deep voice) Yo, I listened to this one rapper,
and he's my favorite.
And then I listened to this other rapper,
and he's just as good.
What do I do?!
(laughter)
(deep voice) Yo, Pops,
I got a new dish you gotta put on the menu.
It's cheese, cantaloupe, salmon, pecans,
horseradish, and Thousand Island
blended and served in a basketball shoe.
Also, I need Friday off.
(laughter)
I say words too fast. I say words too fast.
What am I saying? I say words too fast.
I say words too fast.
What am I saying? I say words too fast.
It almost feels like he's here.
Hi, Eddie. How are you today?
(deep voice) Frustrated.
I feel like Mom's controlling everything I do!
(laughter)
-- Captions by VITAC --