1 00:00:01,902 --> 00:00:03,737 What up, elders?! 2 00:00:03,837 --> 00:00:05,573 Can't believe in a couple hours, I'll be in Taiwan. 3 00:00:05,673 --> 00:00:07,575 Why are you dressed like a man 4 00:00:07,675 --> 00:00:09,410 who yells at women in Times Square? 5 00:00:09,510 --> 00:00:10,744 Oh, my fuzzy Kangol? 6 00:00:10,844 --> 00:00:12,413 Since I'm going on this cultural exchange, 7 00:00:12,513 --> 00:00:14,448 I can switch my look without Trent clowning on me. 8 00:00:14,548 --> 00:00:15,783 That boy hates change. 9 00:00:15,883 --> 00:00:17,451 Quick Taiwan question -- 10 00:00:17,551 --> 00:00:19,120 is the boys' bathroom symbol the same? 11 00:00:19,220 --> 00:00:21,622 I'm not going to answer that, but take a seat. 12 00:00:21,722 --> 00:00:23,924 Now, since this is your first trip by yourself, 13 00:00:24,024 --> 00:00:25,959 your mother and I want you to be prepared. 14 00:00:29,763 --> 00:00:31,432 That's a lot of Taiwanese cash. 15 00:00:31,532 --> 00:00:33,101 Consider this your emergency fund. 16 00:00:33,201 --> 00:00:34,802 Please don't use it to get into a Taipei disco. 17 00:00:34,902 --> 00:00:36,270 I want to be there for your first time. 18 00:00:36,370 --> 00:00:37,805 JESSICA: And just in case, 19 00:00:37,905 --> 00:00:39,973 we got you a pre-paid cellphone. 20 00:00:40,074 --> 00:00:42,110 It's programmed with Big Auntie's number in Taipei. 21 00:00:42,210 --> 00:00:43,144 Sick! 22 00:00:43,244 --> 00:00:44,278 I'm gonna wear this on my belt, 23 00:00:44,378 --> 00:00:46,447 like a vacationing businessman. 24 00:00:46,547 --> 00:00:48,416 Johnson, you better have a damn good reason 25 00:00:48,516 --> 00:00:49,617 for calling me in Cancún. 26 00:00:49,717 --> 00:00:50,751 This is not a joke! 27 00:00:50,851 --> 00:00:53,587 Do you know the number for 911 in Taiwan? 28 00:00:53,687 --> 00:00:55,489 (chuckles softly) Uh... 29 00:00:55,589 --> 00:00:57,258 It's 119. 30 00:00:57,358 --> 00:00:58,959 By the time you've figured that out, 31 00:00:59,059 --> 00:01:00,060 your stolen kidney 32 00:01:00,161 --> 00:01:02,496 has already been sewn inside a rich man's son. 33 00:01:02,596 --> 00:01:04,932 And last but not least... 34 00:01:07,435 --> 00:01:09,903 Is this...for my butt? 35 00:01:10,003 --> 00:01:11,172 It's a neck pillow. 36 00:01:11,272 --> 00:01:13,006 It'll help you fall asleep on the plane 37 00:01:13,107 --> 00:01:15,109 so you can avoid the deadly effects of jet lag. 38 00:01:15,209 --> 00:01:16,510 (scoffs) Deadly? 39 00:01:16,610 --> 00:01:17,478 Deadly. 40 00:01:17,578 --> 00:01:18,946 My first day in America, 41 00:01:19,046 --> 00:01:21,349 I'm walking across the street, feeling good, 42 00:01:21,449 --> 00:01:23,317 and then bam -- jet lag. 43 00:01:23,417 --> 00:01:25,085 I get hit by a bus, and then I die. 44 00:01:25,186 --> 00:01:26,987 That sounds made up. 45 00:01:27,087 --> 00:01:28,856 Some facts changed for dramatic effect. 46 00:01:28,956 --> 00:01:32,360 All I'm saying is, immigrating here was hard. 47 00:01:32,460 --> 00:01:35,263 I'm saving the real story for my memoir -- Dark Waters. 48 00:01:35,363 --> 00:01:37,131 EDDIE: Seriously, guys, relax. 49 00:01:37,231 --> 00:01:38,366 I can handle this trip. 50 00:01:38,666 --> 00:01:41,269 Oh, I thought I could handle everything when I moved to America. 51 00:01:41,369 --> 00:01:42,370 My first week here, 52 00:01:42,470 --> 00:01:44,205 I was working as a seafood delivery guy... 53 00:01:44,305 --> 00:01:47,875 LOUIS: ...when my mediocre English got me lost. 54 00:01:47,975 --> 00:01:51,044 ** 55 00:01:51,145 --> 00:01:54,182 (siren wailing in distance) 56 00:01:54,282 --> 00:01:56,384 (dramatic music plays) 57 00:01:59,019 --> 00:02:00,221 Uh... 58 00:02:00,321 --> 00:02:02,790 Uh, friendship gift crab? 59 00:02:02,890 --> 00:02:05,526 (all grumbling) 60 00:02:05,626 --> 00:02:09,197 ** 61 00:02:09,297 --> 00:02:12,833 Guys, I've heard these stories a million times. 62 00:02:12,933 --> 00:02:13,867 We just want you to be careful. 63 00:02:13,967 --> 00:02:14,868 When you're in a new country 64 00:02:14,968 --> 00:02:16,069 and you don't speak the language well 65 00:02:16,170 --> 00:02:18,172 and you don't have any money, it can be dangerous. 66 00:02:18,272 --> 00:02:20,040 But I've been in Taiwan before, 67 00:02:20,140 --> 00:02:22,310 and I'm not just a little kid anymore. 68 00:02:22,410 --> 00:02:24,345 Trust me -- I got this. 69 00:02:24,445 --> 00:02:25,379 (sighs) 70 00:02:25,479 --> 00:02:28,316 Johnson, I'm with my kids at the beach. 71 00:02:28,416 --> 00:02:29,650 This better be good. 72 00:02:30,718 --> 00:02:32,920 ** 73 00:02:33,020 --> 00:02:34,087 * Fresh off the boat * 74 00:02:34,188 --> 00:02:35,756 * I'm gettin' mine everywhere I go * 75 00:02:35,856 --> 00:02:37,925 * If you don't know, homey, now you know * 76 00:02:38,025 --> 00:02:39,260 * Fresh off the boat * 77 00:02:39,360 --> 00:02:41,862 * Homey, you don't know where I come from * 78 00:02:41,962 --> 00:02:43,063 * But I know where I'm goin' * 79 00:02:43,163 --> 00:02:44,998 * I'm fresh off the boat * 80 00:02:46,200 --> 00:02:48,602 (mid-tempo music plays) 81 00:02:50,504 --> 00:02:51,672 (audience gasps) 82 00:02:53,741 --> 00:02:55,443 (laughs) 83 00:02:57,211 --> 00:02:59,747 I'll remember this performance forever. 84 00:03:02,783 --> 00:03:03,751 Amazing! 85 00:03:03,851 --> 00:03:05,753 Speech! Let's hear some words! 86 00:03:07,955 --> 00:03:14,895 (speaks Taiwanese) 87 00:03:17,298 --> 00:03:19,967 Kidding! I'll be speaking English. 88 00:03:20,067 --> 00:03:20,968 Excellent. 89 00:03:21,068 --> 00:03:22,970 You're not here to be challenged. 90 00:03:23,070 --> 00:03:25,138 You're here to have fun and learn about your heritage! 91 00:03:25,239 --> 00:03:26,574 Oh, thank God. 92 00:03:26,674 --> 00:03:28,208 (chuckles) 93 00:03:28,309 --> 00:03:29,910 You're hilarious, man. 94 00:03:30,010 --> 00:03:31,412 Pete -- Newark, New Jersey. 95 00:03:31,512 --> 00:03:33,247 Eddie -- Orlando. 96 00:03:33,347 --> 00:03:34,915 You're from Newark? 97 00:03:35,015 --> 00:03:36,149 Do you know Redman? 98 00:03:36,250 --> 00:03:38,286 Comes to my dad's sporting goods store all the time. 99 00:03:38,386 --> 00:03:39,787 Dude goes through a lot of tents. 100 00:03:39,887 --> 00:03:41,655 -(chuckles) -What about you? 101 00:03:41,755 --> 00:03:43,757 You meet anyone cool, like, uh, like Penny Hardaway? 102 00:03:43,857 --> 00:03:44,758 A few. 103 00:03:44,858 --> 00:03:46,760 Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, DMX, 104 00:03:46,860 --> 00:03:48,095 Jimmy Jam and Terry Lewis... 105 00:03:48,195 --> 00:03:49,297 (gasps) Billie Jean King. 106 00:03:49,397 --> 00:03:51,632 Damn! Oh, we gotta hang out. 107 00:03:51,732 --> 00:03:53,667 I need me some Terry Lewis stories. 108 00:03:53,767 --> 00:03:55,235 (chuckles) 109 00:03:55,336 --> 00:03:59,740 Now, you all ready to do some traditional mountain paintings? 110 00:04:01,309 --> 00:04:02,410 Me neither. 111 00:04:02,510 --> 00:04:04,812 Let's get some Boba Tea and go to the mall! 112 00:04:04,912 --> 00:04:07,481 (cheers and applause) 113 00:04:07,581 --> 00:04:09,450 LOUIS: What a beautiful day for a ride. 114 00:04:09,550 --> 00:04:10,784 JESSICA: Isn't this perfect? 115 00:04:10,884 --> 00:04:13,687 With Eddie gone, we can enjoy fun family activities 116 00:04:13,787 --> 00:04:15,623 without any "Eddie surprises." 117 00:04:15,723 --> 00:04:16,790 "Surprises"?! 118 00:04:16,890 --> 00:04:18,592 Last time we went biking, he cut my brakes! 119 00:04:18,692 --> 00:04:20,361 (dramatic music plays, wheels squeaking) 120 00:04:20,461 --> 00:04:23,297 EVAN: Tell my storyyyyyyyy! 121 00:04:23,397 --> 00:04:26,133 I made a whole list of things to do 122 00:04:26,233 --> 00:04:28,702 now that we are Eddie-free, 123 00:04:28,802 --> 00:04:30,438 including a daily bike ride. 124 00:04:30,538 --> 00:04:32,139 I think this time apart from him is gonna be good for us. 125 00:04:32,239 --> 00:04:34,207 You know, us riding together like this 126 00:04:34,308 --> 00:04:36,810 reminds me of that scene in The Sound of Music. 127 00:04:36,944 --> 00:04:40,147 * Doe, a deer, a female deer * 128 00:04:40,247 --> 00:04:44,051 * Ray, a drop of golden sun * 129 00:04:44,151 --> 00:04:45,118 * Mi! * 130 00:04:45,218 --> 00:04:47,220 * A name I call myself * 131 00:04:47,321 --> 00:04:48,322 * Fa! * 132 00:04:48,422 --> 00:04:50,391 * A long, long way to run * 133 00:04:50,491 --> 00:04:51,825 * So! * 134 00:04:51,925 --> 00:04:53,293 * A needle pulling thread * 135 00:04:53,394 --> 00:04:54,495 * La! * 136 00:04:54,595 --> 00:04:56,564 ALL: * A note to follow so * 137 00:04:56,664 --> 00:04:57,565 * Ti! * 138 00:04:57,898 --> 00:04:59,633 ALL: * A drink with jam and bread * 139 00:04:59,733 --> 00:05:04,137 * That will bring us back to doe, oh, oh, oh * 140 00:05:04,237 --> 00:05:06,907 Whoa! Check out that stand! 141 00:05:07,007 --> 00:05:10,344 Oh! Look at that fanny pack shaped like a wiener dog! 142 00:05:10,444 --> 00:05:11,545 That's so cute! 143 00:05:11,645 --> 00:05:12,880 I mean...cool. 144 00:05:12,980 --> 00:05:14,314 Cool. I-I don't say "cute." 145 00:05:14,415 --> 00:05:15,716 Nah, if it's cute, say it's cute. 146 00:05:15,816 --> 00:05:18,519 Like, uh, this foam cowboy hat with a built-in radio? 147 00:05:18,619 --> 00:05:19,720 That's pretty cute. 148 00:05:19,820 --> 00:05:21,021 EDDIE: (chuckles) I'm-a get that for my bro Emery. 149 00:05:21,121 --> 00:05:23,557 A Hello Kitty-themed Chinese yo-yo? 150 00:05:23,657 --> 00:05:25,526 EDDIE: Cute as hell! I'm-a get that for my moms. 151 00:05:25,626 --> 00:05:27,027 Now I need something for my dad. 152 00:05:28,095 --> 00:05:29,397 That crab backpack! 153 00:05:29,497 --> 00:05:31,665 PETE: Don't get me wrong -- it's cute and all, 154 00:05:31,765 --> 00:05:33,066 but why would your dad want that? 155 00:05:33,166 --> 00:05:34,535 Oh, he told me this dumb story 156 00:05:34,635 --> 00:05:35,903 about him and some live crabs 157 00:05:36,003 --> 00:05:37,938 to scare me about living in another country. 158 00:05:38,038 --> 00:05:39,773 That backpack will be a funny jab. 159 00:05:39,873 --> 00:05:41,208 (chuckles) 160 00:05:43,010 --> 00:05:45,746 PETE: Dance Dance Revolution Extreme?! 161 00:05:45,846 --> 00:05:47,715 We just got DDR in the U.S., 162 00:05:47,815 --> 00:05:49,216 and they already have a sequel in Asia! 163 00:05:49,316 --> 00:05:51,084 I hope you wore your loose-crotched pants, 164 00:05:51,184 --> 00:05:52,586 'cause we about to go to work! 165 00:05:52,686 --> 00:05:54,354 EDDIE: Wait, hold up -- before we hop on, 166 00:05:54,455 --> 00:05:57,224 I need to call my boy Trent -- he's obsessed with DDR. 167 00:05:57,324 --> 00:05:59,259 (telephone ringing) 168 00:06:01,629 --> 00:06:02,763 (sighs) Hello? 169 00:06:02,863 --> 00:06:04,798 Trent? You will not believe what I found in Taiwan. 170 00:06:04,898 --> 00:06:06,767 Eddie? It's 1:00 in the morning. 171 00:06:06,867 --> 00:06:08,936 They have DDR Extreme! 172 00:06:09,036 --> 00:06:10,538 DDRX?! 173 00:06:10,638 --> 00:06:11,972 Put the phone on the edge of the screen 174 00:06:12,072 --> 00:06:13,373 and let me listen to you dance. 175 00:06:16,309 --> 00:06:18,078 * DDR * 176 00:06:19,713 --> 00:06:21,415 * DDR * 177 00:06:21,515 --> 00:06:22,983 Wonderful. 178 00:06:23,083 --> 00:06:25,252 (music continues) 179 00:06:27,154 --> 00:06:28,589 PETE: Crap! 180 00:06:28,689 --> 00:06:29,923 We were supposed to meet our group 181 00:06:30,023 --> 00:06:31,992 a half-hour ago by the bus! 182 00:06:32,092 --> 00:06:33,260 Dude, it's easy to get around Taiwan. 183 00:06:33,360 --> 00:06:34,562 We can just take the subway home -- 184 00:06:34,662 --> 00:06:36,797 after we finish another round of DDR. 185 00:06:36,897 --> 00:06:38,098 My hips just warmed up! 186 00:06:38,198 --> 00:06:39,567 ANNOUNCER: We're waiting for you! Are you ready? 187 00:06:39,667 --> 00:06:41,502 (dance music plays) 188 00:06:42,903 --> 00:06:45,939 (snoring) 189 00:06:46,039 --> 00:06:49,610 ** 190 00:06:49,710 --> 00:06:52,345 Wow, Jessica. You broke out the fancy china. 191 00:06:52,446 --> 00:06:54,482 I thought this only came out for weddings and funerals. 192 00:06:54,582 --> 00:06:56,617 With Eddie gone, we can use the good stuff 193 00:06:56,717 --> 00:06:58,418 without worrying about him breaking it. 194 00:06:58,519 --> 00:07:00,788 I know we have a funeral coming up, 195 00:07:00,888 --> 00:07:01,922 but I figured, why wait? 196 00:07:02,022 --> 00:07:02,956 Whose funeral? 197 00:07:04,658 --> 00:07:05,593 No one's. 198 00:07:05,693 --> 00:07:07,461 Okay, come on, eat up! 199 00:07:07,561 --> 00:07:09,963 There's half a pork shoulder left. It's the good half! 200 00:07:10,063 --> 00:07:11,298 -I'm stuffed. -Me too. 201 00:07:11,398 --> 00:07:13,934 Hmm. I cooked my usual portions. 202 00:07:14,034 --> 00:07:17,104 I guess with Eddie gone, we'll just have more leftovers. 203 00:07:17,204 --> 00:07:19,640 This morning, I had my usual bowl of Lucky Charms, 204 00:07:19,740 --> 00:07:21,942 and there were so many more marshmallows. 205 00:07:22,042 --> 00:07:24,277 I haven't seen a Shamrock Hat in years. 206 00:07:24,377 --> 00:07:25,646 Ugh. He'd pick a marshmallow out 207 00:07:25,746 --> 00:07:27,214 and say, "Top of the morning to you," 208 00:07:27,314 --> 00:07:30,684 in that weird Irish accent that sounded like Dracula. 209 00:07:30,784 --> 00:07:32,820 (as Dracula) "Top of the morning to you." 210 00:07:32,920 --> 00:07:34,788 Do any of you know what color boxers I'm wearing? 211 00:07:34,888 --> 00:07:37,825 No. Because Eddie's not here to administer my daily pants-ing. 212 00:07:37,925 --> 00:07:39,459 (speaks Chinese) 213 00:07:39,560 --> 00:07:42,195 And look at our Costco bulk toilet paper pack. 214 00:07:42,295 --> 00:07:43,797 ** 215 00:07:43,897 --> 00:07:45,365 Barely a dent. 216 00:07:45,465 --> 00:07:47,735 Hey, maybe we should call Eddie and see how he's doing. 217 00:07:47,835 --> 00:07:49,169 No! 218 00:07:49,269 --> 00:07:50,571 If he needs us, he'll call. 219 00:07:50,671 --> 00:07:52,305 But I miss him. Don't you? 220 00:07:52,405 --> 00:07:54,374 No. 221 00:07:54,474 --> 00:07:55,743 Oh, come on. 222 00:07:55,843 --> 00:07:58,011 We have plenty to talk about besides Eddie. 223 00:07:58,111 --> 00:08:00,047 (sighs) 224 00:08:02,082 --> 00:08:04,417 GRANDMA: (sighs) 225 00:08:08,055 --> 00:08:09,256 Isn't the weather beautiful today? 226 00:08:09,356 --> 00:08:10,524 -Sunny. -So sunny! 227 00:08:10,624 --> 00:08:11,559 Very sunny. 228 00:08:11,659 --> 00:08:13,493 (clears throat) 229 00:08:13,594 --> 00:08:15,996 Back to this funeral... 230 00:08:17,497 --> 00:08:20,400 (man speaking indistinctly over P.A.) 231 00:08:20,500 --> 00:08:21,602 Oh, crap. I'm outta cash. 232 00:08:21,702 --> 00:08:23,336 I just got carried away buying gifts. 233 00:08:23,436 --> 00:08:25,338 Can you cover me? I'll get you back. 234 00:08:25,438 --> 00:08:26,707 I only had enough for one fare. 235 00:08:26,807 --> 00:08:28,542 Okay, we'll figure out another way home. 236 00:08:28,642 --> 00:08:30,578 Sorry. I'm hopping on the next train. 237 00:08:30,678 --> 00:08:32,546 Connie Chung's granddaughter's in the program, 238 00:08:32,646 --> 00:08:34,081 and if I don't make a move at lunch, 239 00:08:34,181 --> 00:08:35,448 I'll regret it for the rest of my life. 240 00:08:35,549 --> 00:08:37,350 Is she cute? 241 00:08:38,418 --> 00:08:40,453 Breaking news -- she re cute. 242 00:08:40,554 --> 00:08:41,421 Oh. 243 00:08:41,521 --> 00:08:43,390 (train wheels screeching) 244 00:08:43,490 --> 00:08:45,793 Oh, wait! Um, what's the address to our dorm, again? 245 00:08:45,893 --> 00:08:49,062 825 Lane 199, Xiazing Road. 246 00:08:49,162 --> 00:08:51,899 Uh, 825 21 J-Jump Street -- 247 00:08:51,999 --> 00:08:53,100 Crap! 248 00:08:53,200 --> 00:08:58,305 ** 249 00:09:00,473 --> 00:09:05,078 ** 250 00:09:05,178 --> 00:09:06,213 We're okay, Crabby. 251 00:09:06,313 --> 00:09:07,447 I'll just call Big Auntie, 252 00:09:07,547 --> 00:09:08,882 and she'll come pick us up. 253 00:09:08,982 --> 00:09:11,819 ** 254 00:09:12,886 --> 00:09:13,954 Ugh! 255 00:09:14,054 --> 00:09:15,789 I used all my minutes calling Trent! 256 00:09:15,889 --> 00:09:17,758 (indistinct conversations, horns honking) 257 00:09:20,728 --> 00:09:23,396 Excuse me. Want to buy this Garfield? 258 00:09:23,496 --> 00:09:25,666 Hi! Meow-meow! You want to buy this cat? 259 00:09:27,735 --> 00:09:30,470 I know there's some Mandarin in me somewhere. Um... 260 00:09:33,774 --> 00:09:36,977 ** 261 00:09:37,077 --> 00:09:38,011 Yo-yo! 262 00:09:38,145 --> 00:09:39,680 Yo-yo! 263 00:09:40,748 --> 00:09:41,749 Yo-yo? 264 00:09:43,183 --> 00:09:44,685 Oh. 265 00:09:44,785 --> 00:09:48,255 (speaks Chinese) 266 00:09:48,355 --> 00:09:49,757 (speaks Chinese) 267 00:09:49,857 --> 00:09:51,091 ** 268 00:09:51,191 --> 00:09:52,459 (sighs) 269 00:09:56,363 --> 00:09:58,131 What's wrong? Why is everybody so down? 270 00:09:59,532 --> 00:10:02,169 I think we're just a little sad because we miss Eddie. 271 00:10:02,269 --> 00:10:03,804 He's only been gone a few hours. 272 00:10:03,904 --> 00:10:07,607 (speaks Chinese) 273 00:10:07,708 --> 00:10:08,942 LOUIS: Come on, Jessica. 274 00:10:09,042 --> 00:10:11,011 You don't miss him even just a little bit? 275 00:10:11,111 --> 00:10:13,380 It's okay to admit it if you do. 276 00:10:13,480 --> 00:10:16,717 Do you miss breakfast? That was a few hours ago. 277 00:10:16,817 --> 00:10:18,018 Even I have to admit, 278 00:10:18,118 --> 00:10:20,553 I miss Eddie's great conversation skills. 279 00:10:20,654 --> 00:10:22,355 This meal's a dud because he's gone. 280 00:10:22,455 --> 00:10:24,191 (scoffs) Eddie?! What -- 281 00:10:24,291 --> 00:10:26,226 How is Eddie a great conversationalist? 282 00:10:26,326 --> 00:10:28,028 He just keeps the chat flowing. 283 00:10:28,128 --> 00:10:29,562 Like when someone's telling a story, 284 00:10:29,663 --> 00:10:30,731 he asks smart questions 285 00:10:30,831 --> 00:10:32,833 and brings other people into the dialogue. 286 00:10:32,933 --> 00:10:35,302 I can do that. Okay, somebody tell a story. 287 00:10:35,402 --> 00:10:36,536 I'll fill in for Eddie. 288 00:10:36,636 --> 00:10:39,372 Okay. Well, a funny thing happened in gym class -- 289 00:10:39,472 --> 00:10:41,909 -What was it? -I was just getting to that. 290 00:10:42,009 --> 00:10:43,176 What day of the week was it? 291 00:10:43,276 --> 00:10:45,512 -That's irrelevant. -Emery, jump in. 292 00:10:45,612 --> 00:10:47,681 Do you think the day of the week is irrelevant? 293 00:10:47,781 --> 00:10:48,716 I don't know. 294 00:10:48,816 --> 00:10:50,017 (sighs) Louis, what about you? 295 00:10:50,117 --> 00:10:51,819 Do you think the day of the week is irrelevant? 296 00:10:51,919 --> 00:10:54,087 I think you should let Evan finish his story first. 297 00:10:54,187 --> 00:10:55,655 (sighs) Great point, Louis. 298 00:10:55,756 --> 00:10:57,090 Evan, continue. 299 00:10:57,190 --> 00:10:59,259 So, the gym teacher's wearing shorts -- 300 00:10:59,359 --> 00:11:02,562 Ho! An adult man in shorts! 301 00:11:02,662 --> 00:11:04,364 Jenny, isn't that ridiculous? 302 00:11:04,464 --> 00:11:06,433 I am uncomfortable. 303 00:11:06,533 --> 00:11:08,736 Louis, make a joke about your mother's discomfort. 304 00:11:08,836 --> 00:11:09,737 Oh. Um... 305 00:11:09,837 --> 00:11:11,004 Not as uncomfortable 306 00:11:11,104 --> 00:11:12,740 as when we have to hear you sing Peking opera. 307 00:11:12,840 --> 00:11:13,741 (chuckles nervously) 308 00:11:13,841 --> 00:11:15,275 How dare you! 309 00:11:15,375 --> 00:11:17,778 Aw, geez. The wheels are really coming off this meal. 310 00:11:17,878 --> 00:11:20,113 But everybody is talking, and the energy is way up. 311 00:11:20,213 --> 00:11:22,015 LOUIS: Jessica, you have to admit, 312 00:11:22,115 --> 00:11:23,516 it's just not the same without Eddie. 313 00:11:23,616 --> 00:11:24,684 I agree. 314 00:11:24,785 --> 00:11:25,886 It's better. 315 00:11:25,986 --> 00:11:28,688 You're just romanticizing him because he's gone. 316 00:11:28,789 --> 00:11:31,524 You did the exact same thing with Grandma's bird. 317 00:11:31,624 --> 00:11:33,226 (deep voice) "Gigi was so funny. 318 00:11:33,326 --> 00:11:35,095 I wish Gigi was here." 319 00:11:35,195 --> 00:11:37,731 (normal voice) You forgot that Gigi ate all our Band-Aids 320 00:11:37,831 --> 00:11:39,399 and nested in the VCR. 321 00:11:39,499 --> 00:11:41,068 That doesn't sound like Gigi. 322 00:11:41,168 --> 00:11:42,435 She pecked you in the face, Louis. 323 00:11:42,535 --> 00:11:43,703 W-- That was a kiss! 324 00:11:45,072 --> 00:11:47,775 ** 325 00:11:48,976 --> 00:11:50,978 MAN: (speaks Chinese over P.A.) 326 00:11:51,078 --> 00:11:53,781 Xiazing Road? I'm only one stop away! 327 00:11:53,881 --> 00:12:00,087 ** 328 00:12:00,187 --> 00:12:01,889 (snoring) 329 00:12:02,956 --> 00:12:03,924 SUBWAY WORKER: (speaks Chinese) 330 00:12:04,024 --> 00:12:05,092 What's happening? 331 00:12:05,192 --> 00:12:06,994 End of the line. Get off. 332 00:12:07,094 --> 00:12:08,095 Are we at Xiazing Road? 333 00:12:08,195 --> 00:12:09,662 That was 15 stops ago. 334 00:12:11,331 --> 00:12:12,399 Where are my bags?! 335 00:12:12,499 --> 00:12:14,001 Dang. 336 00:12:14,101 --> 00:12:15,903 Jet lag is real. 337 00:12:16,003 --> 00:12:17,337 Did you see that huge mustache 338 00:12:17,437 --> 00:12:18,939 on the hot dog guy we just passed? 339 00:12:19,039 --> 00:12:20,673 Bet Eddie would've zinged him good. 340 00:12:20,774 --> 00:12:22,409 LOUIS: Yeah, something clever like, 341 00:12:22,509 --> 00:12:24,477 "Hey, you got a caterpillar under your nose." 342 00:12:24,577 --> 00:12:25,813 No. Not like that. 343 00:12:25,913 --> 00:12:28,348 Since you all miss Eddie so much 344 00:12:28,448 --> 00:12:29,817 I thought I would do something for you. 345 00:12:29,917 --> 00:12:30,951 What do you mean? 346 00:12:31,051 --> 00:12:33,520 Oh, no! Big turn coming up! Better slow down! 347 00:12:33,620 --> 00:12:35,088 -(brakes clack) -(gasps) 348 00:12:35,188 --> 00:12:36,289 My brakes don't work! 349 00:12:36,389 --> 00:12:37,357 Mine either! 350 00:12:37,457 --> 00:12:39,192 Oh, no! It's happening again! 351 00:12:39,292 --> 00:12:41,094 EMERY: How do I stop this thing?! 352 00:12:41,194 --> 00:12:43,964 As you can see, I have clipped your brakes. 353 00:12:44,064 --> 00:12:45,765 You all miss Eddie so much? 354 00:12:45,866 --> 00:12:48,168 Here's a reminder of what you're actually missing! 355 00:12:48,268 --> 00:12:49,769 EVAN: Aim for the lily pads! 356 00:12:49,870 --> 00:12:51,304 (bicycle bell rings) 357 00:12:51,404 --> 00:12:52,639 I'm sorry, Crabby. 358 00:12:52,739 --> 00:12:54,607 Don't worry. We'll find a way home. 359 00:12:54,707 --> 00:12:56,443 (speaks Chinese) 360 00:12:59,379 --> 00:13:01,648 (distorted speaking, dramatic music plays) 361 00:13:01,748 --> 00:13:05,152 (distorted speaking continues) 362 00:13:05,252 --> 00:13:07,154 (distorted laughter) 363 00:13:10,123 --> 00:13:11,391 Guys, let's be friends. 364 00:13:11,491 --> 00:13:14,394 Um... do you like comedy? 365 00:13:14,494 --> 00:13:17,865 I-I can do a really good leprechaun impression. 366 00:13:17,898 --> 00:13:19,900 (Irish accent) "Me gold's at the end of the rainbow!" 367 00:13:20,968 --> 00:13:25,005 (speaks Chinese) 368 00:13:25,105 --> 00:13:26,006 No, please. 369 00:13:26,106 --> 00:13:27,707 It's the only thing I have left. 370 00:13:27,807 --> 00:13:29,342 Hey, don't worry! I'll get these guys off your back. 371 00:13:29,442 --> 00:13:31,979 Whoa. I can understand Mandarin. 372 00:13:32,079 --> 00:13:33,080 Immersion is the key. 373 00:13:33,180 --> 00:13:35,348 -I'm speaking English. -Oh. 374 00:13:35,448 --> 00:13:36,349 Hey. 375 00:13:36,449 --> 00:13:42,222 (speaks Chinese) 376 00:13:43,390 --> 00:13:44,391 -(shouts angrily) -(gasps, groans) 377 00:13:44,491 --> 00:13:45,825 (clatter, thud) 378 00:13:47,861 --> 00:13:49,829 Fine. Just take it. 379 00:13:49,930 --> 00:13:51,264 (all gasp) 380 00:13:51,364 --> 00:13:54,935 (speaks Chinese) 381 00:13:55,035 --> 00:13:57,570 (engines rev) 382 00:13:57,670 --> 00:13:59,406 ** 383 00:13:59,506 --> 00:14:01,741 So, I hope you all learned a valuable lesson today. 384 00:14:01,841 --> 00:14:04,011 Lesson? What lesson? 385 00:14:04,111 --> 00:14:05,612 You cut our brakes, and we fell into a lake! 386 00:14:05,712 --> 00:14:07,380 Because you needed to be reminded 387 00:14:07,480 --> 00:14:09,116 of the annoying things Eddie did! 388 00:14:09,216 --> 00:14:11,051 (sighs) Yeah, Eddie's a handful, 389 00:14:11,151 --> 00:14:12,519 but he also adds so much. 390 00:14:12,619 --> 00:14:14,021 Why won't you acknowledge that? 391 00:14:14,121 --> 00:14:16,056 There's nothing to acknowledge. 392 00:14:16,156 --> 00:14:18,458 But I do have something for you to think about. 393 00:14:18,558 --> 00:14:20,293 While you're wasting your time missing Eddie, 394 00:14:20,393 --> 00:14:21,694 he isn't missing you. 395 00:14:21,794 --> 00:14:22,930 How would you even know? 396 00:14:23,030 --> 00:14:25,598 Because he hasn't called us yet! 397 00:14:25,698 --> 00:14:27,034 If he cared, he would call! 398 00:14:27,935 --> 00:14:28,936 Jessica. 399 00:14:30,137 --> 00:14:32,105 Is Mom okay? 400 00:14:33,773 --> 00:14:40,380 (speaks Chinese) 401 00:14:40,480 --> 00:14:44,317 (speaks Chinese) 402 00:14:44,417 --> 00:14:47,820 ** 403 00:14:47,921 --> 00:14:49,589 Holy moly! 404 00:14:49,689 --> 00:14:53,160 Your Grandma's weird example is right. 405 00:14:53,260 --> 00:14:55,828 Your mom misses Eddie, and she's expressing it 406 00:14:55,929 --> 00:14:57,897 as hostility towards us and our bicycles. 407 00:14:57,998 --> 00:15:00,833 We have to do something to help her get her feelings out -- 408 00:15:00,934 --> 00:15:02,635 for her sake and for ours. 409 00:15:03,903 --> 00:15:10,743 (speaks Chinese) 410 00:15:10,843 --> 00:15:11,844 -No. -No, thanks. 411 00:15:11,945 --> 00:15:13,013 -Yeah. -I'm good, thanks. 412 00:15:15,448 --> 00:15:17,017 Thanks again for trying to help. 413 00:15:17,117 --> 00:15:18,651 What are you doing in this part of town? 414 00:15:18,751 --> 00:15:20,253 This isn't a tourist area. 415 00:15:20,353 --> 00:15:22,422 I got separated from my cultural exchange group, 416 00:15:22,522 --> 00:15:24,324 and then I blew all my money on gifts, 417 00:15:24,424 --> 00:15:25,959 and then I lost those gifts, 418 00:15:26,059 --> 00:15:27,494 then my ass got lost, too. 419 00:15:27,594 --> 00:15:28,528 Rough. 420 00:15:28,628 --> 00:15:29,862 Do you have a phone I can use? 421 00:15:29,963 --> 00:15:32,032 I need to call my Big Auntie so she can come pick me up. 422 00:15:32,132 --> 00:15:33,333 Yeah, I have a phone at my home. 423 00:15:33,433 --> 00:15:35,102 But I have to finish my route first. 424 00:15:35,202 --> 00:15:37,437 Hey, why don't you help me out for the day? 425 00:15:37,537 --> 00:15:39,306 And then when we're done, you can use my phone. 426 00:15:39,406 --> 00:15:41,141 How are you with a knife? 427 00:15:41,241 --> 00:15:43,476 Not as good as I am with a spoon! 428 00:15:43,576 --> 00:15:45,645 ** 429 00:15:45,745 --> 00:15:46,980 (door opens) 430 00:15:47,080 --> 00:15:48,448 LOUIS: Here she comes. 431 00:15:48,548 --> 00:15:49,816 Follow my lead. 432 00:15:51,051 --> 00:15:52,285 What are you guys doing? 433 00:15:52,385 --> 00:15:54,187 Drawing portraits of your favorite times with Eddie 434 00:15:54,287 --> 00:15:55,188 and then kissing them? 435 00:15:55,288 --> 00:15:56,456 That's not a bad idea. 436 00:15:56,556 --> 00:15:57,890 But no. Take a seat. 437 00:16:00,160 --> 00:16:02,062 I picked up some "Missing You" greeting cards 438 00:16:02,162 --> 00:16:03,130 to send to Eddie. 439 00:16:03,230 --> 00:16:04,631 I thought you might like to sign them. 440 00:16:04,731 --> 00:16:06,699 You want me to perjure myself in print? 441 00:16:06,799 --> 00:16:07,967 I don't miss Eddie. 442 00:16:08,068 --> 00:16:09,502 If one of you committed a murder, 443 00:16:09,602 --> 00:16:11,538 I wouldn't take the bloody knife 444 00:16:11,638 --> 00:16:14,141 and wipe it all over my body so we can both take the fall. 445 00:16:14,241 --> 00:16:15,542 I don't think that's what we're -- 446 00:16:15,642 --> 00:16:18,845 You want me to drive to the store in my bloody blouse, 447 00:16:18,945 --> 00:16:21,481 make memorable small talk with the cashier, 448 00:16:21,581 --> 00:16:23,816 and then, when I go to write the check, 449 00:16:23,916 --> 00:16:27,087 accidentally pull out the knife instead of my pen? 450 00:16:27,187 --> 00:16:28,655 No. No way. 451 00:16:28,755 --> 00:16:30,357 You wouldn't be perjuring yourself, 452 00:16:30,457 --> 00:16:32,059 because you actually do miss Eddie. 453 00:16:32,159 --> 00:16:33,726 I don't miss people. 454 00:16:33,826 --> 00:16:37,597 People are either here or they're not here. 455 00:16:37,697 --> 00:16:39,599 "Missing" is just something that happens 456 00:16:39,699 --> 00:16:40,900 in Mariah Carey songs. 457 00:16:41,000 --> 00:16:42,335 Just take a look at the cards 458 00:16:42,435 --> 00:16:43,836 and see if you feel differently. 459 00:16:43,936 --> 00:16:45,338 Fine. 460 00:16:46,873 --> 00:16:48,941 (sighs) 461 00:16:49,042 --> 00:16:52,445 "There's a pit in my stomach because I miss you." 462 00:16:52,545 --> 00:16:53,513 Clever. 463 00:16:57,684 --> 00:17:00,353 "Even though you're far away, 464 00:17:00,453 --> 00:17:03,056 I think about you night and day." 465 00:17:06,193 --> 00:17:07,227 Poignant. 466 00:17:12,599 --> 00:17:14,767 "You can't tell on my face that I'm sad, 467 00:17:14,867 --> 00:17:16,636 (voice breaking) but I miss you." 468 00:17:18,905 --> 00:17:20,907 (sniffles) Okay, fine! 469 00:17:21,007 --> 00:17:22,075 I miss Eddie! 470 00:17:22,175 --> 00:17:25,078 I'm just like this loose-skinned dog. 471 00:17:25,178 --> 00:17:27,580 The house just isn't the same without him. 472 00:17:27,680 --> 00:17:28,881 Why won't he call? 473 00:17:30,117 --> 00:17:31,984 I just want him to call. 474 00:17:32,085 --> 00:17:32,985 LOUIS: This is hard. 475 00:17:33,086 --> 00:17:34,887 But it's good that you're letting it out. 476 00:17:34,987 --> 00:17:38,057 Talking about Eddie will at least make him here with us in spirit. 477 00:17:38,158 --> 00:17:39,792 That's so cheesy, Louis. 478 00:17:39,892 --> 00:17:41,161 But you're right. 479 00:17:41,261 --> 00:17:43,663 Ugh! Why are cheesy things right?! 480 00:17:43,763 --> 00:17:47,634 Are Mariah Carey songs built upon the truth? 481 00:17:47,734 --> 00:17:50,470 Is she the greatest artist in all of music history? 482 00:17:50,570 --> 00:17:52,172 This is a lot to process. 483 00:17:52,272 --> 00:17:54,974 It's good that you learn to be without Eddie, 484 00:17:55,074 --> 00:17:57,277 because in two years, he'll be gone forever. 485 00:17:57,377 --> 00:17:59,112 -(exhales shakily) -Ma, unhelpful. 486 00:17:59,212 --> 00:18:01,981 Then you will have to do it with these two. 487 00:18:02,081 --> 00:18:03,150 Ma! 488 00:18:03,250 --> 00:18:05,418 I thought we were supposed to talk about things. 489 00:18:05,518 --> 00:18:09,322 ** 490 00:18:09,422 --> 00:18:10,857 Damn, that was hard work. 491 00:18:10,957 --> 00:18:12,492 Hell of a sweat ring you got going. 492 00:18:12,592 --> 00:18:13,693 (chuckles) 493 00:18:13,793 --> 00:18:14,694 WILLIE: Yep, that's a lot of work, 494 00:18:14,794 --> 00:18:16,496 but I almost saved up enough 495 00:18:16,596 --> 00:18:18,498 to open a restaurant of my own down the block. 496 00:18:18,598 --> 00:18:21,834 Better and easier idea -- just bring your food to Orlando. 497 00:18:21,934 --> 00:18:23,803 Your noodles are better than anything we have in the States. 498 00:18:23,903 --> 00:18:24,871 You'd make a killing. 499 00:18:24,971 --> 00:18:26,439 Eddie, come on. It's not that easy. 500 00:18:26,539 --> 00:18:27,440 EDDIE: Sure it is. 501 00:18:27,540 --> 00:18:28,541 My dad has a restaurant, 502 00:18:28,641 --> 00:18:30,543 and he'd totally give you advice. 503 00:18:30,643 --> 00:18:33,112 Wait. Your dad owns a successful restaurant in America? 504 00:18:33,213 --> 00:18:35,315 It's won a couple regional awards. 505 00:18:35,415 --> 00:18:37,350 You know, a Palmy, a Pruny... 506 00:18:37,450 --> 00:18:38,551 Man. 507 00:18:38,651 --> 00:18:40,820 I immigrated to the U.S. three years ago. 508 00:18:40,920 --> 00:18:42,489 I stayed with my cousins in Nevada, 509 00:18:42,589 --> 00:18:44,023 and we tried to open up a shop. 510 00:18:44,123 --> 00:18:45,792 It bombed. 511 00:18:45,892 --> 00:18:47,827 People were like, "Why is my spaghetti in soup?" 512 00:18:47,927 --> 00:18:49,229 Fools. 513 00:18:49,329 --> 00:18:51,831 Succeeding the way your parents did is very hard. 514 00:18:51,864 --> 00:18:53,032 Didn't they tell you? 515 00:18:53,132 --> 00:18:54,201 They did, but I thought 516 00:18:54,301 --> 00:18:55,835 they were just doing that "back in my day" thing. 517 00:18:55,935 --> 00:18:58,471 You know, "Back in my day, there was no hand sanitizer. 518 00:18:58,571 --> 00:18:59,906 We just boiled our hands." 519 00:19:00,006 --> 00:19:01,073 Dude! 520 00:19:01,174 --> 00:19:02,309 Look at you. 521 00:19:02,409 --> 00:19:04,344 You come here on a cultural exchange, 522 00:19:04,444 --> 00:19:06,879 which is the most sheltered version of visiting a country, 523 00:19:06,979 --> 00:19:09,649 and you end up broke, lost, 524 00:19:09,749 --> 00:19:12,319 and clutching a crab backpack for comfort. 525 00:19:12,419 --> 00:19:13,686 ** 526 00:19:13,786 --> 00:19:15,388 It's no joke what your parents pulled off. 527 00:19:15,488 --> 00:19:19,226 ** 528 00:19:19,326 --> 00:19:20,927 Anyway... 529 00:19:21,027 --> 00:19:22,262 you should call your Big Auntie. 530 00:19:22,362 --> 00:19:27,334 ** 531 00:19:27,434 --> 00:19:29,902 (telephone ringing) 532 00:19:30,002 --> 00:19:31,238 -(telephone beeps) -Hello? 533 00:19:31,338 --> 00:19:33,039 -Hey, Mom. -Eddie! 534 00:19:34,106 --> 00:19:36,509 I'm...somewhat excited you called. 535 00:19:36,609 --> 00:19:39,178 I'm like a 5 on a scale of 10 in excitement. 536 00:19:39,279 --> 00:19:40,413 -(telephone beeps) -No, we're at a 10. 537 00:19:40,513 --> 00:19:42,382 -How's it going out there? -EDDIE: Hey, Dad. 538 00:19:42,482 --> 00:19:44,451 Let's just say it's more than I ever expected. 539 00:19:44,551 --> 00:19:45,718 You went clubbing, didn't you? 540 00:19:45,818 --> 00:19:47,420 Did you go to Diablo Yang's? 541 00:19:47,520 --> 00:19:48,955 Anything goes on that dance floor. 542 00:19:49,055 --> 00:19:50,557 I'm pretty sure that's a library now. 543 00:19:50,657 --> 00:19:51,724 Oh, what a waste. 544 00:19:51,824 --> 00:19:52,725 EDDIE: Anyway, I'm just calling 545 00:19:52,825 --> 00:19:53,960 to tell you guys I'm sorry. 546 00:19:54,060 --> 00:19:55,428 I should've respected your advice. 547 00:19:55,528 --> 00:19:57,464 Who is this? 548 00:19:57,564 --> 00:19:59,131 No, I'm serious, Mom. 549 00:19:59,232 --> 00:20:00,400 I've got next-level respect 550 00:20:00,500 --> 00:20:02,235 for your struggle as immigrants to America. 551 00:20:02,335 --> 00:20:03,303 Hmm. 552 00:20:03,403 --> 00:20:04,804 That means a lot, son. 553 00:20:04,904 --> 00:20:06,773 Wait. Why do you have a newfound respect? 554 00:20:06,873 --> 00:20:07,774 Are you in trouble? 555 00:20:07,874 --> 00:20:09,309 (chuckles) No, I'm fine. 556 00:20:09,409 --> 00:20:10,743 I made some cool-ass friends here, 557 00:20:10,843 --> 00:20:12,211 including this one guy named Willie. 558 00:20:12,312 --> 00:20:13,880 He makes the best noodles. 559 00:20:13,980 --> 00:20:15,748 Wait, wait. Are you calling your parents? 560 00:20:15,848 --> 00:20:17,417 WILLIE: That's long-distance, man! 561 00:20:17,517 --> 00:20:18,451 What are you doing?! 562 00:20:18,718 --> 00:20:20,720 We spent hours on a kissable drawing to cheer Mommy up, 563 00:20:20,820 --> 00:20:22,255 and just when we're about to show it to her, 564 00:20:22,355 --> 00:20:23,790 Eddie calls and ruins it. 565 00:20:23,890 --> 00:20:25,758 Classic Eddie -- such a wild card. 566 00:20:25,858 --> 00:20:26,759 (sighs) 567 00:20:26,859 --> 00:20:28,328 God, I've missed him. 568 00:20:28,428 --> 00:20:29,562 ** 569 00:20:29,662 --> 00:20:30,730 EMERY: Hey, Eddie! 570 00:20:30,830 --> 00:20:31,898 Guess what. 571 00:20:31,998 --> 00:20:33,766 Grandma has tattoos of the cast of "Cheers." 572 00:20:33,866 --> 00:20:35,902 Rhea Perlman is on her lower back. 573 00:20:36,002 --> 00:20:38,338 (laughter) 574 00:20:38,438 --> 00:20:39,806 So, what else is going on? 575 00:20:39,906 --> 00:20:41,474 EDDIE: (speaking indistinctly) 576 00:20:41,574 --> 00:20:42,775 (laughter) 577 00:20:42,875 --> 00:20:44,611 ** 578 00:20:46,779 --> 00:20:48,348 I'll go first. Here's my Eddie. 579 00:20:48,448 --> 00:20:50,683 (deep voice) Yo, I listened to this one rapper, 580 00:20:50,783 --> 00:20:51,851 and he's my favorite. 581 00:20:51,951 --> 00:20:53,353 And then I listened to this other rapper, 582 00:20:53,453 --> 00:20:54,521 and he's just as good. 583 00:20:54,621 --> 00:20:55,655 What do I do?! 584 00:20:55,755 --> 00:20:57,256 (laughter) 585 00:20:57,357 --> 00:20:58,325 (deep voice) Yo, Pops, 586 00:20:58,425 --> 00:21:00,159 I got a new dish you gotta put on the menu. 587 00:21:00,259 --> 00:21:02,595 It's cheese, cantaloupe, salmon, pecans, 588 00:21:02,695 --> 00:21:03,796 horseradish, and Thousand Island 589 00:21:03,896 --> 00:21:06,299 blended and served in a basketball shoe. 590 00:21:06,399 --> 00:21:07,967 Also, I need Friday off. 591 00:21:08,067 --> 00:21:09,168 (laughter) 592 00:21:09,268 --> 00:21:10,470 I say words too fast. I say words too fast. 593 00:21:10,570 --> 00:21:11,704 What am I saying? I say words too fast. 594 00:21:11,804 --> 00:21:13,473 I say words too fast. I say words too fast. 595 00:21:13,573 --> 00:21:14,641 What am I saying? I say words too fast. 596 00:21:14,741 --> 00:21:16,376 It almost feels like he's here. 597 00:21:16,476 --> 00:21:18,945 Hi, Eddie. How are you today? 598 00:21:19,045 --> 00:21:20,046 (deep voice) Frustrated. 599 00:21:20,146 --> 00:21:23,015 I feel like Mom's controlling everything I do! 600 00:21:23,115 --> 00:21:24,617 (laughter) 601 00:21:29,522 --> 00:21:32,459 -- Captions by VITAC --