1 00:00:04,338 --> 00:00:06,840 Excuse me. No, Evan. We still haven't heard from Yale 2 00:00:06,874 --> 00:00:09,009 on your obscenely early admissions request. 3 00:00:09,043 --> 00:00:10,478 They'll come around. 4 00:00:10,511 --> 00:00:12,380 Actually I'm here because I need to use your phone 5 00:00:12,413 --> 00:00:15,183 to call my mom. Okay, are you sick, have you soiled yourself, 6 00:00:15,216 --> 00:00:16,417 or do you have a note saying that you've 7 00:00:16,450 --> 00:00:17,985 recently experienced the loss of a pet? 8 00:00:18,018 --> 00:00:20,188 I left my recreational reading at home. 9 00:00:20,221 --> 00:00:21,722 I wanted to finish "The Art of War" 10 00:00:21,755 --> 00:00:23,157 before my fencing match today, 11 00:00:23,191 --> 00:00:26,060 and I planned to read 8 1/2 pages at lunch. 12 00:00:26,094 --> 00:00:29,730 I'm gonna mark you down for "sick". 13 00:00:32,366 --> 00:00:33,567 Hello? Grandma? 14 00:00:33,601 --> 00:00:35,169 I need to talk to Mommy. 15 00:00:35,203 --> 00:00:36,670 Jessica: You don't need to get me on the phone. 16 00:00:36,704 --> 00:00:39,273 I'm right here. 17 00:00:39,307 --> 00:00:40,708 Mommy? Oh, no. 18 00:00:40,741 --> 00:00:41,842 Am I having the dream again? 19 00:00:41,875 --> 00:00:43,844 Pinch yourself. I'm real. 20 00:00:43,877 --> 00:00:46,247 I'm your new principal. 21 00:00:46,280 --> 00:00:48,616 That's not technically or even remotely true. 22 00:00:48,649 --> 00:00:51,352 The PTA wasn't giving me enough power over the teachers, 23 00:00:51,385 --> 00:00:52,753 so I'm shadowing Principal Hunter 24 00:00:52,786 --> 00:00:54,255 to see if I want to take his job. 25 00:00:54,288 --> 00:00:56,557 A job like mine at a different school. 26 00:00:56,590 --> 00:00:57,691 Sure. 27 00:00:57,725 --> 00:00:59,660 Grandma: 28 00:01:03,131 --> 00:01:06,634 Hairy-chested, like I like them. 29 00:01:07,601 --> 00:01:09,970 -- Captions by VITAC -- 30 00:01:10,003 --> 00:01:11,139 * Fresh off the boat 31 00:01:11,172 --> 00:01:12,873 * I'm gettin' mine everywhere I go * 32 00:01:12,906 --> 00:01:15,143 * If you don't know, homey, now you know * 33 00:01:15,176 --> 00:01:16,410 * Fresh off the boat 34 00:01:16,444 --> 00:01:18,746 * Homey, you don't know where I come from * 35 00:01:18,779 --> 00:01:20,214 * But I know where I'm goin' 36 00:01:20,248 --> 00:01:22,983 * I'm fresh off the boat 37 00:01:24,318 --> 00:01:26,454 Eddie is going to be taking you to your fencing match 38 00:01:26,487 --> 00:01:27,988 since I'm busy being principal. 39 00:01:28,021 --> 00:01:30,324 Shadowing the principal. He can bring your war book then. 40 00:01:30,358 --> 00:01:31,925 Great, now there's gonna be a bunch of drawings 41 00:01:31,959 --> 00:01:32,893 of boobs in it. 42 00:01:32,926 --> 00:01:34,695 Let's get you back to class, kiddo. 43 00:01:36,430 --> 00:01:38,599 I take the long way with honor students 44 00:01:38,632 --> 00:01:41,669 so they don't have to walk by the "In School Suspension" kids. 45 00:01:45,273 --> 00:01:46,574 I don't want kids like Evan 46 00:01:46,607 --> 00:01:48,842 getting bad ideas from the "trouble bubble". 47 00:01:48,876 --> 00:01:51,245 We should just move the trouble bubble to the long way 48 00:01:51,279 --> 00:01:53,247 so we, the smart people, can take the short way. 49 00:01:53,281 --> 00:01:54,815 'Kay, there's no "we". 50 00:01:54,848 --> 00:01:57,918 It's called "shadowing" because you stay silently behind me, 51 00:01:57,951 --> 00:01:59,353 not giving opinions. 52 00:01:59,387 --> 00:02:00,821 Shadows aren't sentient. 53 00:02:00,854 --> 00:02:02,356 Peter Pan's was. 54 00:02:02,390 --> 00:02:03,557 Good boy. 55 00:02:05,993 --> 00:02:07,795 I'm lending Honey all our throw pillows 56 00:02:07,828 --> 00:02:10,130 while she goes on bed rest. -Great idea. 57 00:02:10,164 --> 00:02:11,832 We all need to be supportive of Honey 58 00:02:11,865 --> 00:02:13,767 until the human inside her is fully cooked. 59 00:02:13,801 --> 00:02:15,135 Bed rest is just a precaution 60 00:02:15,169 --> 00:02:18,206 because baby number two is coming so soon after Maria. 61 00:02:18,239 --> 00:02:19,707 Doc wants me to lie low 62 00:02:19,740 --> 00:02:21,775 since my vaginal walls are structurally compromised -- 63 00:02:21,809 --> 00:02:23,377 Doctors! Been there. Cool, bye. 64 00:02:23,411 --> 00:02:25,613 These pillows are perfect. 65 00:02:25,646 --> 00:02:28,449 I know it's bed rest, but I'm gonna be on the couch. 66 00:02:28,482 --> 00:02:30,851 Marvin got HBO to help me pass the time. 67 00:02:30,884 --> 00:02:32,119 -Yeah. 68 00:02:32,152 --> 00:02:34,788 Have you heard of that new show "The Sopranos"? 69 00:02:34,822 --> 00:02:36,324 It's crazy good. 70 00:02:36,357 --> 00:02:38,192 Like, you want to punch a wall it's so good. 71 00:02:38,226 --> 00:02:41,028 -Oh, I've heard great things -- -We're not getting HBO. 72 00:02:41,061 --> 00:02:42,963 If I want to see Italians being ruthless, 73 00:02:42,996 --> 00:02:45,032 I'll just watch the boys playing "Super Mario Bros." 74 00:02:45,065 --> 00:02:47,301 Well, they're always airing "The Sopranos". 75 00:02:47,335 --> 00:02:48,569 You should come over and watch it. 76 00:02:48,602 --> 00:02:50,638 Oh, I would love to, but I promised my mother 77 00:02:50,671 --> 00:02:52,373 I'd help catch a rat she saw in her apartment. 78 00:02:52,406 --> 00:02:54,375 Louis! It's getting worse. 79 00:02:54,408 --> 00:02:55,743 It took the toy! 80 00:03:02,583 --> 00:03:03,984 Jessica: You are an hour late. 81 00:03:04,017 --> 00:03:05,486 We were supposed to watch "Mulan". 82 00:03:05,519 --> 00:03:07,321 Yes! It's about time 83 00:03:07,355 --> 00:03:09,156 Disney made a movie about Asian people. 84 00:03:09,189 --> 00:03:12,159 Freaking mermaids and lions got representation before we did. 85 00:03:12,192 --> 00:03:13,394 Well, to be fair, 86 00:03:13,427 --> 00:03:15,829 mermaids and lions were around before we were. 87 00:03:15,863 --> 00:03:17,665 Well, now the whole schedule is thrown off. 88 00:03:17,698 --> 00:03:20,268 Evan won his fencing match, so I took him to the arcade 89 00:03:20,301 --> 00:03:21,335 to celebrate. 90 00:03:21,369 --> 00:03:22,770 I got some nacho cheese on his mask, 91 00:03:22,803 --> 00:03:23,871 but I'll get it out. 92 00:03:23,904 --> 00:03:25,005 Celebrate? 93 00:03:25,038 --> 00:03:26,574 Evan always wins his matches. 94 00:03:26,607 --> 00:03:27,675 He's undefeated. 95 00:03:27,708 --> 00:03:29,410 Winning is average for him, 96 00:03:29,443 --> 00:03:31,679 and in this family, we don't celebrate average. 97 00:03:31,712 --> 00:03:33,414 Then why does Dad do a dance 98 00:03:33,447 --> 00:03:35,048 every time he opens a pickle jar? 99 00:03:36,450 --> 00:03:38,419 I know you wanted to come right home, 100 00:03:38,452 --> 00:03:40,120 my perfect little boy. 101 00:03:40,153 --> 00:03:42,022 Remember, you don't have to go along 102 00:03:42,055 --> 00:03:44,191 with your brother's bad ideas. 103 00:03:44,224 --> 00:03:47,428 Bad ideas? We used his épée to get quarters out of the change machine. 104 00:03:48,596 --> 00:03:50,964 Go watch "Mulan" at your grandma's. 105 00:03:50,998 --> 00:03:53,233 And tuck your feet under you! I don't want you coming back 106 00:03:53,267 --> 00:03:56,270 with rat bites on your toes! 107 00:03:56,304 --> 00:03:59,039 You should know better than keeping him out all hours. 108 00:03:59,072 --> 00:04:00,741 What's the big deal? It's the arcade. 109 00:04:00,774 --> 00:04:02,910 And it's 6:00 PM! That's how it starts! 110 00:04:02,943 --> 00:04:07,047 It goes arcade, pool hall, drug corner, 7-to-10 in the pen. 111 00:04:07,080 --> 00:04:08,382 3-to-5 with a good attorney. 112 00:04:08,416 --> 00:04:11,752 I just don't want you poisoning pure, sweet Evan 113 00:04:11,785 --> 00:04:13,387 with your screw-up juice. 114 00:04:13,421 --> 00:04:15,556 Whatever. I'm gonna go sweep under my bed 115 00:04:15,589 --> 00:04:16,790 for loose CHEETOS. 116 00:04:19,960 --> 00:04:21,729 -All right, that'll work. -Thanks for helping 117 00:04:21,762 --> 00:04:23,230 with rat supplies, Marvin. -Yeah. 118 00:04:23,263 --> 00:04:25,098 Last night, it perched on top of a cabinet 119 00:04:25,132 --> 00:04:26,900 and we got into a staring contest. 120 00:04:26,934 --> 00:04:28,402 I think it winked at me. 121 00:04:28,436 --> 00:04:30,571 Well, I had to get good at catching rats in my Navy days. 122 00:04:30,604 --> 00:04:33,674 If Cookie got to them first, it was vermin stew for days. 123 00:04:33,707 --> 00:04:36,444 And he'd say the tiny bones were quail, but we all knew. 124 00:04:37,778 --> 00:04:39,680 Truth is, I'm terrified of rats. 125 00:04:39,713 --> 00:04:41,782 But I can't let my mother see any sign of weakness. 126 00:04:41,815 --> 00:04:44,084 That woman likes to tease, and her jibes have teeth. 127 00:04:44,117 --> 00:04:46,587 Yeah, well, some of the meals Cookie made had teeth, too. 128 00:04:48,121 --> 00:04:51,291 Say, why don't I help you catch that rat? 129 00:04:51,325 --> 00:04:53,961 I'd rather do that than sit and watch any more TV. 130 00:04:53,994 --> 00:04:55,596 Marvin, are you seeing this? 131 00:04:55,629 --> 00:04:57,765 You mean Allen wrenches in the ratchet bin? 132 00:04:57,798 --> 00:04:59,099 This place is a damn mess. 133 00:04:59,132 --> 00:05:01,602 No, not that. This! We should switch! 134 00:05:01,635 --> 00:05:04,137 You mean I catch the rat, you watch "The Sopranos"? 135 00:05:05,172 --> 00:05:06,940 Genius! Yes! 136 00:05:06,974 --> 00:05:08,509 Okay. All right. 137 00:05:08,542 --> 00:05:09,977 Wait, why are you putting everything back? 138 00:05:10,010 --> 00:05:11,345 Well, if I'm gonna do the rat catching, 139 00:05:11,379 --> 00:05:12,546 I want it to be a fair fight. 140 00:05:14,214 --> 00:05:16,684 I'll bare-hand this thing. 141 00:05:18,419 --> 00:05:20,788 The staff will invite you to after-work drinks, 142 00:05:20,821 --> 00:05:23,457 but it's just a trap to get secrets. 143 00:05:23,491 --> 00:05:26,460 I will trick them and drink water and get all their secrets. 144 00:05:26,494 --> 00:05:28,529 So, maybe we up your sessions. 145 00:05:28,562 --> 00:05:30,030 What's going on here? 146 00:05:30,063 --> 00:05:32,733 Evan was disrupting his classroom. 147 00:05:32,766 --> 00:05:34,668 Because the other students are jealous 148 00:05:34,702 --> 00:05:36,169 of his superior knowledge. 149 00:05:36,203 --> 00:05:38,972 The boy can't help that fools covet his intellect. 150 00:05:39,006 --> 00:05:41,208 No, because he made repeated fart noises 151 00:05:41,241 --> 00:05:44,845 during Ms. Duggan's lecture on "Where the Red Fern Grows". 152 00:05:46,346 --> 00:05:48,516 Where did you get that? 153 00:05:48,549 --> 00:05:51,184 I won it at the arcade. Eddie helped me pick it out. 154 00:05:51,218 --> 00:05:52,820 Eddie, of course. 155 00:05:52,853 --> 00:05:54,922 Well, you leave me no choice. Evan Huang, 156 00:05:54,955 --> 00:05:57,691 you are suspended from all extra-curricular activities. 157 00:05:57,725 --> 00:05:59,192 But my fencing match tomorrow! 158 00:05:59,226 --> 00:06:00,494 He has a perfect record! 159 00:06:00,528 --> 00:06:02,830 I'm sorry, but this is the hardest part of the job. 160 00:06:02,863 --> 00:06:05,533 This and breaking up pee fights in the boys' bathroom. 161 00:06:05,566 --> 00:06:07,501 Evan, why would you do this? 162 00:06:11,038 --> 00:06:14,007 Sorry. She's jammed. 163 00:06:14,041 --> 00:06:15,409 I'll deal with this at home. 164 00:06:16,777 --> 00:06:17,878 You're grounded! 165 00:06:17,911 --> 00:06:20,548 -What? -Pickles, anyone? 166 00:06:20,581 --> 00:06:23,584 Because the jar...is...open! 167 00:06:23,617 --> 00:06:25,185 I opened the jar. 168 00:06:25,218 --> 00:06:26,620 The jar is open. 169 00:06:32,159 --> 00:06:33,060 You can't ground me! I didn't do anything wrong! 170 00:06:33,994 --> 00:06:35,228 Oh, you didn't encourage your brother 171 00:06:35,262 --> 00:06:37,097 to buy a fart machine and then use it in class? 172 00:06:37,130 --> 00:06:38,298 What? 173 00:06:38,331 --> 00:06:39,900 That's awesome! What a little gangster! 174 00:06:39,933 --> 00:06:41,935 This is your bad influence. Eh. 175 00:06:41,969 --> 00:06:43,303 I would've played that baby over the P.A., 176 00:06:43,336 --> 00:06:45,138 but, hey, you gotta start somewhere. 177 00:06:46,406 --> 00:06:47,441 For real. 178 00:06:47,475 --> 00:06:49,042 I'm sorry Evan messed up at school, and I'm -- 179 00:06:49,076 --> 00:06:51,779 I'm sure it's hard for you, but it's not my fault. 180 00:06:51,812 --> 00:06:53,380 Disagree. 181 00:06:53,413 --> 00:06:55,583 From now on, you're not allowed to be alone with Evan 182 00:06:55,616 --> 00:06:57,551 without adult supervision. That means me. 183 00:06:57,585 --> 00:06:58,719 Pickle Man doesn't count. 184 00:06:58,752 --> 00:07:00,588 What?! That's complete B.S. 185 00:07:00,621 --> 00:07:01,722 So he got in trouble. 186 00:07:01,755 --> 00:07:03,423 Evan could use some trouble in his life. 187 00:07:03,457 --> 00:07:04,424 It builds character! 188 00:07:04,458 --> 00:07:06,594 Character is for cartoons, 189 00:07:06,627 --> 00:07:08,962 like that wolf who can never catch that tall bird. 190 00:07:08,996 --> 00:07:11,131 Why do you need an anvil? Poison his fruit. 191 00:07:11,164 --> 00:07:12,833 Just stay away from Evan. 192 00:07:15,202 --> 00:07:17,270 You know, I saw a wolf fall off a cliff once! 193 00:07:17,304 --> 00:07:18,706 It was not funny! 194 00:07:20,508 --> 00:07:24,177 Just brushing up on my New Jersey geography for "The Sopranos". 195 00:07:24,211 --> 00:07:26,480 Don't want any turnpike jokes going over my head. 196 00:07:26,514 --> 00:07:29,116 It must be so easy in there. 197 00:07:29,149 --> 00:07:31,519 Look, I'm worried about Evan, too, 198 00:07:31,552 --> 00:07:33,086 but it all seems pretty harmless. 199 00:07:33,120 --> 00:07:34,588 It isn't just today. 200 00:07:34,622 --> 00:07:35,956 Evan's 11. 201 00:07:35,989 --> 00:07:37,958 That's the age Eddie was when we lost him, 202 00:07:37,991 --> 00:07:40,327 and now Evan is walking down that same dark path. 203 00:07:43,196 --> 00:07:45,799 Evan, your eggs are ready! 204 00:07:48,135 --> 00:07:50,203 Moms, check it. Fresh as hell, right? 205 00:07:50,237 --> 00:07:52,439 Mom, check it. Fresh as hell, right? 206 00:08:01,549 --> 00:08:04,117 I can't let that happen. 207 00:08:04,151 --> 00:08:05,853 Tomorrow, I'm gonna nip this in the bud. 208 00:08:05,886 --> 00:08:08,455 You know, I never understood that expression. 209 00:08:08,488 --> 00:08:09,623 Buds turn into flowers. 210 00:08:09,657 --> 00:08:11,224 So why do we say it about bad things? 211 00:08:11,258 --> 00:08:12,626 Are you doing stand-up again? 212 00:08:12,660 --> 00:08:14,361 I told you, you're too old for that. 213 00:08:18,732 --> 00:08:21,201 My understanding from Dr. Cusamano, 214 00:08:21,234 --> 00:08:24,304 your family physician, is that you collapsed... 215 00:08:24,337 --> 00:08:26,173 I think we got the better end of this deal. 216 00:08:26,206 --> 00:08:27,975 We get to watch this incredible show 217 00:08:28,008 --> 00:08:30,811 while those two catch a rat. 218 00:08:30,844 --> 00:08:32,546 I can't imagine what they're even talking about. 219 00:08:32,580 --> 00:08:34,915 Well, my mom's probably making fun of someone. 220 00:08:34,948 --> 00:08:37,651 We're still hearing about the day Emery came home wearing a kilt. 221 00:08:37,685 --> 00:08:39,920 Well, and Marvin's probably gossiping. 222 00:08:39,953 --> 00:08:43,156 I can't hear any more about Carol-Joan's fake front teeth. 223 00:08:43,190 --> 00:08:45,993 Some poor fool is being raked over the coals by those two. 224 00:08:47,360 --> 00:08:50,163 It turns out bare-handing the rat catching was a bad idea. 225 00:08:50,197 --> 00:08:51,832 Papa needs his work gloves. 226 00:08:51,865 --> 00:08:54,501 Hey, if you run out of things to talk about with my mom, 227 00:08:54,534 --> 00:08:56,503 get her started on how much she hates denim. 228 00:08:56,536 --> 00:09:00,173 Oh, we won't run out of things to talk about, Dice man. 229 00:09:02,409 --> 00:09:04,578 Did he just called you "Dice man"? 230 00:09:04,612 --> 00:09:06,747 Um, no, I don't think so. 231 00:09:06,780 --> 00:09:08,448 I'm pretty sure he did. 232 00:09:08,481 --> 00:09:09,717 No, I think he was talking to you. 233 00:09:10,718 --> 00:09:14,254 Marvin will just tell you tonight anyway, so... 234 00:09:14,287 --> 00:09:15,889 I'm Dice man. 235 00:09:15,923 --> 00:09:18,391 Back in the '80s, I loved Andrew Dice Clay, 236 00:09:18,425 --> 00:09:20,227 and I would lip-sync along to his albums 237 00:09:20,260 --> 00:09:21,695 to whoever would watch, 238 00:09:21,729 --> 00:09:23,230 which was mostly just my mother. 239 00:09:26,900 --> 00:09:28,736 Clay: Jack and Jill went up the hill, 240 00:09:28,769 --> 00:09:30,771 both with a buck and a quarter. 241 00:09:30,804 --> 00:09:33,373 Jill came down with $2.50. 242 00:09:33,406 --> 00:09:35,208 Oh! 243 00:09:35,242 --> 00:09:37,477 Oh! Mm-hmm. 244 00:09:37,510 --> 00:09:40,313 And who knows what other embarrassing stories they're telling. 245 00:09:40,347 --> 00:09:42,415 There was the Weedwacker incident, 246 00:09:42,449 --> 00:09:43,917 the Shetland pony, 247 00:09:43,951 --> 00:09:45,418 my one-man show. 248 00:09:46,486 --> 00:09:47,621 My two-man show. 249 00:09:47,655 --> 00:09:49,222 Who was the other man? 250 00:09:49,256 --> 00:09:50,891 It was me in a mirror. 251 00:09:50,924 --> 00:09:52,893 "Two Lous". 252 00:09:52,926 --> 00:09:55,462 I can't believe I put my mother and my best friend together 253 00:09:55,495 --> 00:09:56,930 with no chaperone. 254 00:09:56,964 --> 00:09:59,232 We should never have encouraged her to learn English. 255 00:09:59,266 --> 00:10:00,734 Well, look, maybe you should just 256 00:10:00,768 --> 00:10:02,069 go over there and talk to them. 257 00:10:02,102 --> 00:10:03,303 Well, then they'll talk about how I'm 258 00:10:03,336 --> 00:10:05,338 "the guy who goes over there". 259 00:10:05,372 --> 00:10:07,340 Tony Soprano would know what to do. 260 00:10:09,977 --> 00:10:12,846 Son, I'm going to need you to wear a wire. 261 00:10:15,448 --> 00:10:16,917 I have to say, 262 00:10:16,950 --> 00:10:20,754 shadowing you has been very educational. 263 00:10:20,788 --> 00:10:24,257 Do all principals get laughed at by students as much as you do? 264 00:10:24,291 --> 00:10:25,693 No, ma'am. 265 00:10:28,561 --> 00:10:29,763 You. 266 00:10:29,797 --> 00:10:31,431 You can't touch me now, old man. 267 00:10:31,464 --> 00:10:32,866 I'm out of your jurisdiction. 268 00:10:32,900 --> 00:10:35,669 I can't touch any of the students outside of high-fives. 269 00:10:35,703 --> 00:10:38,271 And even then, I have to ask first. 270 00:10:38,305 --> 00:10:39,973 Most kids say no. -Hmm. 271 00:10:40,007 --> 00:10:42,275 You can high-five me. 272 00:10:42,309 --> 00:10:44,778 Psych! Eddie, get to the point. 273 00:10:45,979 --> 00:10:48,481 The fart machine incident was my fault. 274 00:10:48,515 --> 00:10:49,783 Evan is blameless. 275 00:10:49,817 --> 00:10:52,485 I put him up to it, for I am a bad influence. 276 00:10:52,519 --> 00:10:55,889 Therefore, I should receive the punishment, not he. 277 00:10:55,923 --> 00:10:57,624 That was better in the car. 278 00:10:57,657 --> 00:11:00,560 But you see, Principal Hunter, Evan is innocent. 279 00:11:00,593 --> 00:11:02,996 Of course Eddie is at the bottom of this! 280 00:11:03,030 --> 00:11:05,799 The kid who put roast beef in all of my file folders. 281 00:11:05,833 --> 00:11:07,467 You remembered! 282 00:11:07,500 --> 00:11:09,669 So, can we clear Evan's record 283 00:11:09,703 --> 00:11:11,872 so he can participate in the fencing match today? 284 00:11:11,905 --> 00:11:12,906 Yes. 285 00:11:12,940 --> 00:11:14,207 The last thing I want is a blemish 286 00:11:14,241 --> 00:11:16,043 on an honor student's transcripts. 287 00:11:16,076 --> 00:11:18,912 Come on, Eddie, let's go tell Evan the good news. 288 00:11:18,946 --> 00:11:20,213 So, am I ungrounded? 289 00:11:20,247 --> 00:11:22,149 Yes, but you're on a short leash -- 290 00:11:22,182 --> 00:11:23,550 one of those retractable ones 291 00:11:23,583 --> 00:11:26,219 where you think you're not on a leash, but then you are. 292 00:11:28,688 --> 00:11:30,490 Do we really need this tape recorder? 293 00:11:30,523 --> 00:11:33,093 Can't I just tell you what Grandma and Marvin are saying about you? 294 00:11:33,126 --> 00:11:34,494 What? Son, no. 295 00:11:34,527 --> 00:11:36,730 We need hard proof. Otherwise, they'll just deny it. 296 00:11:36,764 --> 00:11:38,165 The way "Christophuh" 297 00:11:38,198 --> 00:11:40,400 denied shooting the cannoli guy's foot off. 298 00:11:40,433 --> 00:11:42,169 -Great scene. -It's the writing. 299 00:11:42,202 --> 00:11:44,171 Fine. You're just lucky you caught me 300 00:11:44,204 --> 00:11:45,505 on my chest-shaving day! 301 00:11:45,538 --> 00:11:47,775 My front is as smooth as glass. 302 00:11:49,542 --> 00:11:51,178 Perfect. 303 00:11:51,211 --> 00:11:53,513 Come on, little buddy. 304 00:11:53,546 --> 00:11:55,282 Come to Papa. 305 00:11:55,315 --> 00:11:57,017 Yo. 306 00:11:57,050 --> 00:11:59,686 How's it going in here? 307 00:11:59,719 --> 00:12:01,822 Dad sent me to help with the rat. 308 00:12:03,590 --> 00:12:07,027 So, what are you guys talking about? 309 00:12:07,060 --> 00:12:09,696 Oh, wait. 310 00:12:09,729 --> 00:12:12,833 So, whatcha guys talking about? 311 00:12:14,501 --> 00:12:16,904 You! They were talking about you. 312 00:12:16,937 --> 00:12:18,738 You were right. I recorded the whole thing. 313 00:12:18,772 --> 00:12:19,973 I knew it! 314 00:12:21,174 --> 00:12:23,743 Let's go shake down those Chatty Cathies. 315 00:12:26,413 --> 00:12:28,448 Ah, middle school. 316 00:12:28,481 --> 00:12:29,783 Right over there is where I gave Brian 317 00:12:29,817 --> 00:12:31,718 the biggest wedgie of his life. 318 00:12:31,751 --> 00:12:33,553 God, we were so young. 319 00:12:33,586 --> 00:12:35,388 Hey, Evan. 320 00:12:35,422 --> 00:12:36,623 What are you doing here? 321 00:12:36,656 --> 00:12:37,991 Good news. 322 00:12:38,025 --> 00:12:40,660 You get to play in your fencing match this afternoon. 323 00:12:40,693 --> 00:12:43,130 -What?! -I took the hit for you, bro. 324 00:12:43,163 --> 00:12:44,731 So next time Mom tells me to take a shower 325 00:12:44,764 --> 00:12:47,167 and I don't feel like it, you're hopping in there. 326 00:12:50,838 --> 00:12:52,672 I-I can't fight today. 327 00:12:54,274 --> 00:12:55,775 What are you talking about? Don't worry, 328 00:12:55,809 --> 00:12:57,911 I got the cheese smell out of your helmet. You're good to go. 329 00:12:57,945 --> 00:12:59,579 No! 330 00:12:59,612 --> 00:13:01,248 Look. 331 00:13:01,281 --> 00:13:03,951 I got myself suspended from fencing on purpose 332 00:13:03,984 --> 00:13:05,685 so I wouldn't have to fight today's match. 333 00:13:05,718 --> 00:13:09,289 I knew exactly what I was doing with that flatulence emulator. 334 00:13:09,322 --> 00:13:11,258 What? W-W-Why would you do that? 335 00:13:12,893 --> 00:13:14,127 She's why. 336 00:13:16,897 --> 00:13:18,098 You don't want to fight a girl? 337 00:13:18,131 --> 00:13:19,867 No, I don't want you to see me lose. 338 00:13:19,900 --> 00:13:21,434 I can't beat Carla. 339 00:13:21,468 --> 00:13:24,237 She'll ruin my perfect record, and I can't not be perfect! 340 00:13:25,638 --> 00:13:27,474 Sorry, Mom -- about the double negative. 341 00:13:30,243 --> 00:13:32,012 Whoa! 342 00:13:32,045 --> 00:13:34,181 I'm not the bad influence on Evan. 343 00:13:40,020 --> 00:13:40,720 Evan, you come out here right now 344 00:13:41,855 --> 00:13:43,823 and fight this girl! -Mom, I don't think 345 00:13:43,857 --> 00:13:45,458 this is how a principal is supposed to behave. 346 00:13:45,492 --> 00:13:47,127 Shadow principal! 347 00:13:47,160 --> 00:13:49,562 A shadow principal who puts too much pressure on her son 348 00:13:49,596 --> 00:13:51,198 and now he's terrified to lose. 349 00:13:51,231 --> 00:13:53,300 I only want him to be the absolute best 350 00:13:53,333 --> 00:13:55,468 at everything he does all the time. Is that so wrong? 351 00:13:55,502 --> 00:13:56,636 Yes! 352 00:13:56,669 --> 00:13:57,871 Evan needs to learn to chill, 353 00:13:57,905 --> 00:13:59,306 or he won't be able to roll with the punches 354 00:13:59,339 --> 00:14:01,141 when things don't go perfect for him. 355 00:14:01,174 --> 00:14:03,543 "Chilling" is just giving yourself permission to fail. 356 00:14:03,576 --> 00:14:05,478 That might be your technique, but it's not mine. 357 00:14:05,512 --> 00:14:08,315 Well, your method just sent Evan running into the boys' locker room. 358 00:14:08,348 --> 00:14:09,749 He hates that place. 359 00:14:09,782 --> 00:14:12,485 He usually changes in the car. I need to go talk to him. 360 00:14:12,519 --> 00:14:15,488 Well, this is the boys' locker room, and you're not a boy. 361 00:14:15,522 --> 00:14:17,324 Or am I? 362 00:14:17,357 --> 00:14:19,226 What are you doing? 363 00:14:19,259 --> 00:14:22,896 I'm cutting off my beautiful hair so I can pass for a boy. 364 00:14:22,930 --> 00:14:25,265 Why isn't this sword sharp? 365 00:14:25,298 --> 00:14:28,268 Let me handle this. 366 00:14:29,869 --> 00:14:31,838 Chii. Chii-chii-chii-chii. 367 00:14:31,871 --> 00:14:33,740 Chii-chii. 368 00:14:33,773 --> 00:14:35,708 I'm replicating the rat's mating call. 369 00:14:35,742 --> 00:14:37,010 Chii-chii-chii-chii. 370 00:14:37,044 --> 00:14:38,445 Well, don't do it too good, 371 00:14:38,478 --> 00:14:40,280 or they'll be all over you like bears on honey. 372 00:14:40,313 --> 00:14:41,881 Aha! 373 00:14:41,915 --> 00:14:42,950 Caught in the act! 374 00:14:42,983 --> 00:14:44,084 What are you talking about? 375 00:14:44,117 --> 00:14:46,186 You've been in here gossiping behind my back 376 00:14:46,219 --> 00:14:48,355 like a couple of biddies folding laundry. 377 00:14:48,388 --> 00:14:50,023 Emery recorded the whole thing. 378 00:14:50,057 --> 00:14:52,259 -Narc. -No, don't change the subject. 379 00:14:52,292 --> 00:14:54,027 This is about you two betraying me. 380 00:14:54,061 --> 00:14:55,628 I have proof. Listen. 381 00:15:00,233 --> 00:15:02,902 Emery, why are you breathing so hard? I can't hear anything. 382 00:15:02,936 --> 00:15:04,804 It was my first time undercover. I was nervous. 383 00:15:04,837 --> 00:15:06,906 I didn't know Dad did that. 384 00:15:06,940 --> 00:15:08,575 That's hilarious, Grandma. 385 00:15:08,608 --> 00:15:10,210 Emery, you too? 386 00:15:10,243 --> 00:15:11,411 It was really funny. 387 00:15:11,444 --> 00:15:13,146 Your two-man show sounded great. 388 00:15:13,180 --> 00:15:15,215 "Two Lous"? Who wouldn't want to watch that? 389 00:15:15,248 --> 00:15:17,284 The Washington Post, for one. 390 00:15:17,317 --> 00:15:20,387 "Two Louis Huangs is two too many." 391 00:15:20,420 --> 00:15:22,155 Come on, Emery. Let's go. 392 00:15:27,927 --> 00:15:30,263 You're really not gonna fight this fight? 393 00:15:30,297 --> 00:15:32,899 No, because if I lose, which I will, 394 00:15:32,932 --> 00:15:34,334 Mom will be crushed. 395 00:15:34,367 --> 00:15:35,668 That's not gonna happen. 396 00:15:35,702 --> 00:15:36,736 Really? 397 00:15:36,769 --> 00:15:38,105 You think I have a chance to beat Carla? 398 00:15:38,138 --> 00:15:39,606 Oh, no, she'll destroy you. 399 00:15:39,639 --> 00:15:40,840 You'll probably cry. 400 00:15:40,873 --> 00:15:42,575 But Mom will be fine. 401 00:15:42,609 --> 00:15:44,244 She loves you no matter what. 402 00:15:44,277 --> 00:15:46,113 In fact, she's out there right now 403 00:15:46,146 --> 00:15:48,681 trying to saw her hair off so she can come in and talk to you. 404 00:15:48,715 --> 00:15:49,816 Like Mulan. 405 00:15:49,849 --> 00:15:52,185 Yeah, like Mulan. Exactly. 406 00:15:52,219 --> 00:15:53,253 You love that movie, right? 407 00:15:53,286 --> 00:15:55,488 Other than the dragon being named Mushu 408 00:15:55,522 --> 00:15:57,424 and fireworks saving the day, sure. 409 00:15:57,457 --> 00:15:59,092 Yes, it's not perfect, 410 00:15:59,126 --> 00:16:02,095 but it's more about female empowerment anyway. 411 00:16:02,129 --> 00:16:03,263 Mulan's a badass. 412 00:16:03,296 --> 00:16:05,332 She made me feel things. 413 00:16:05,365 --> 00:16:06,599 We'll get to that later. 414 00:16:06,633 --> 00:16:08,001 The point is, 415 00:16:08,035 --> 00:16:10,503 nobody wanted Mulan to go to war because she's a girl. 416 00:16:10,537 --> 00:16:12,272 Even though she's an amazing soldier. 417 00:16:12,305 --> 00:16:14,141 If you refuse to fight Carla, 418 00:16:14,174 --> 00:16:16,276 you're robbing her of that chance to be Mulan. 419 00:16:17,577 --> 00:16:19,112 I never thought of it that way. 420 00:16:19,146 --> 00:16:20,713 I'm the patriarchy! 421 00:16:20,747 --> 00:16:23,283 Yeah, you're the...that. 422 00:16:23,316 --> 00:16:24,951 Thanks, Eddie. 423 00:16:24,984 --> 00:16:26,953 Now I need to go out there and give it my best shot, 424 00:16:26,986 --> 00:16:29,322 even if I get my patootie kicked. 425 00:16:29,356 --> 00:16:31,358 Apologies for the locker-room talk. 426 00:16:31,391 --> 00:16:32,592 Boys will be boys. 427 00:16:37,164 --> 00:16:39,466 * Woke up this morning 428 00:16:39,499 --> 00:16:41,368 * Got yourself a gun 429 00:16:41,401 --> 00:16:42,535 I'm like Tony. 430 00:16:42,569 --> 00:16:43,903 Can't trust nobody. 431 00:16:43,936 --> 00:16:45,172 Yeah. 432 00:16:45,205 --> 00:16:46,906 I would really love to hear all about it 433 00:16:46,939 --> 00:16:48,075 when "Arli$$" comes on. 434 00:16:50,677 --> 00:16:52,812 We caught the rat! 435 00:16:52,845 --> 00:16:54,547 I count three rats. 436 00:16:54,581 --> 00:16:55,915 The one in the bag and the two of you. 437 00:16:55,948 --> 00:16:57,984 To be clear, I'm calling you rats. 438 00:16:59,352 --> 00:17:01,854 Louis, let us explain. 439 00:17:01,888 --> 00:17:03,656 We were talking about you. 440 00:17:03,690 --> 00:17:05,225 Sharing our favorite Louis stories 441 00:17:05,258 --> 00:17:07,660 because the love of you is the only thing we have in common. 442 00:17:13,032 --> 00:17:15,668 Lip-syncing Dice is genius! 443 00:17:15,702 --> 00:17:17,070 I'm gonna try it with Don Rickles. 444 00:17:17,104 --> 00:17:18,371 Please don't. 445 00:17:24,411 --> 00:17:26,779 Aww, Mom. 446 00:17:26,813 --> 00:17:28,781 I guess I got a little paranoid about family 447 00:17:28,815 --> 00:17:30,283 talking behind my back. 448 00:17:30,317 --> 00:17:32,051 Watching "The Sopranos" didn't help. 449 00:17:32,085 --> 00:17:33,686 I was only laughing at that "Two Lous" story 450 00:17:33,720 --> 00:17:35,122 because it sounded hilarious. 451 00:17:35,155 --> 00:17:38,358 Well, it was a searing drama, but that means a lot. 452 00:17:38,391 --> 00:17:39,859 Um, 453 00:17:39,892 --> 00:17:42,462 could you two just hug and shut up, please? 454 00:17:42,495 --> 00:17:44,364 -Yeah. 455 00:17:44,397 --> 00:17:45,898 What the hell -- bring it to the front. 456 00:17:45,932 --> 00:17:48,034 All right. 457 00:17:48,067 --> 00:17:49,636 I let the rat out. 458 00:17:49,669 --> 00:17:51,037 W-Why? 459 00:17:51,070 --> 00:17:53,973 Because I wanted to look at him. 460 00:18:01,414 --> 00:18:02,949 I'm ready to fight the match. 461 00:18:02,982 --> 00:18:06,119 Oh. Maybe you can be a good influence. 462 00:18:06,153 --> 00:18:07,920 I have my moments. Don't count on me! 463 00:18:07,954 --> 00:18:10,723 I'm sorry I used a fart machine to get out of fencing. 464 00:18:10,757 --> 00:18:12,058 It's okay. 465 00:18:12,091 --> 00:18:14,093 I'm proud of you for going through with the match. 466 00:18:14,127 --> 00:18:15,595 Even if I lose? 467 00:18:17,764 --> 00:18:19,266 Even if you lose. 468 00:18:22,935 --> 00:18:24,437 Still works! 469 00:18:24,471 --> 00:18:26,239 Come on, Evan! Stab her! 470 00:18:26,273 --> 00:18:27,640 Stab her in the heart! 471 00:18:28,641 --> 00:18:29,742 Popcorn? 472 00:18:29,776 --> 00:18:31,110 Why are you being nice to me? 473 00:18:32,945 --> 00:18:34,947 After spending the week with your mother, 474 00:18:34,981 --> 00:18:36,416 I get it. 475 00:18:36,449 --> 00:18:39,519 Yesterday, when I got home, I said awful things to my cat. 476 00:18:39,552 --> 00:18:40,953 Unforgivable. 477 00:18:40,987 --> 00:18:43,122 You get used to her. 478 00:18:43,156 --> 00:18:46,793 * Let's get down to business 479 00:18:46,826 --> 00:18:48,428 * To defeat Referee: Salute. 480 00:18:48,461 --> 00:18:50,630 * The Huns 481 00:18:51,898 --> 00:18:54,934 * Did they send me daughters 482 00:18:54,967 --> 00:18:58,438 * When I asked for sons? 483 00:18:58,471 --> 00:18:59,772 Fence. * Be a man 484 00:18:59,806 --> 00:19:02,675 * We must be swift as a coursing river * 485 00:19:02,709 --> 00:19:04,177 * Be a man 486 00:19:04,211 --> 00:19:05,312 * With all the force 487 00:19:05,345 --> 00:19:06,779 * Of a great typhoon 488 00:19:06,813 --> 00:19:08,181 * Be a man 489 00:19:08,215 --> 00:19:09,616 Match. 490 00:19:15,888 --> 00:19:17,457 -Good match. -Good match. 491 00:19:17,490 --> 00:19:18,625 Wonderful use of parry. 492 00:19:18,658 --> 00:19:19,792 You'll get me next time. 493 00:19:19,826 --> 00:19:21,294 I don't know -- You won't. 494 00:19:21,328 --> 00:19:22,829 I was just being nice. 495 00:19:28,935 --> 00:19:30,803 Gotta hand it to you, Evan -- you didn't cry. 496 00:19:30,837 --> 00:19:32,639 That's what the mask is for. 497 00:19:32,672 --> 00:19:35,041 What are you two waiting for? 498 00:19:35,074 --> 00:19:37,644 The arcade's only open for another hour. 499 00:19:37,677 --> 00:19:38,811 Go celebrate. 500 00:19:38,845 --> 00:19:40,647 Really? But I lost. 501 00:19:40,680 --> 00:19:43,182 Yes, but you lost perfectly. 502 00:19:44,217 --> 00:19:46,486 Come on, Bro. I'll show you where Principal Hunter 503 00:19:46,519 --> 00:19:48,821 keeps his keys to his filing cabinet on the way out. 504 00:19:48,855 --> 00:19:52,592 So I can keep track of the Yale application myself. 505 00:19:58,130 --> 00:19:58,865 Marvin, Ma, I'm sorry I doubted you. 506 00:20:01,100 --> 00:20:03,836 Emery, sorry I taped a recording device to your chest. 507 00:20:03,870 --> 00:20:05,772 -It left a mark. -Honey's here, too. 508 00:20:05,805 --> 00:20:08,275 Sorry I talked over "The Sopranos". 509 00:20:08,308 --> 00:20:10,076 To make it up to all of you, 510 00:20:10,109 --> 00:20:12,445 I wanted to present my two-man show. 511 00:20:12,479 --> 00:20:14,180 Since you love sharing Lou stories, 512 00:20:14,213 --> 00:20:16,383 this will give you a lot to chew on. 513 00:20:18,117 --> 00:20:20,953 "Two Lous" by Louis Huang. 514 00:20:22,322 --> 00:20:25,692 Growing up in Taiwan, nothing comes easy. 515 00:20:25,725 --> 00:20:27,226 Shut up, you baby! 516 00:20:27,260 --> 00:20:28,728 Who said that? 517 00:20:28,761 --> 00:20:30,863 You said that! 518 00:20:32,231 --> 00:20:35,702 Okay, I don't know what to do. 519 00:20:35,735 --> 00:20:37,604 Just kiss her, you fool. 520 00:20:41,508 --> 00:20:42,975 You said this was good. 521 00:20:43,009 --> 00:20:44,544 I remembered wrong. 522 00:20:44,577 --> 00:20:47,914 I can't believe I'm alone on Christmas. 523 00:20:48,915 --> 00:20:50,750 You're never alone... 524 00:20:54,987 --> 00:20:57,590 Let me live, Mama! 525 00:20:57,624 --> 00:21:00,993 Maybe if you acted like a man for once in your life. 526 00:21:02,429 --> 00:21:04,431 You're drunk again, aren't you? 527 00:21:04,464 --> 00:21:07,233 I'm not drunk! 528 00:21:07,266 --> 00:21:08,768 You're drunk! 529 00:21:11,338 --> 00:21:13,105 We're drunk! 530 00:21:13,139 --> 00:21:14,574 I wish I was drunk. 531 00:21:14,607 --> 00:21:16,543 Yeah, this is the only way I can get through this. Here. 532 00:21:18,010 --> 00:21:19,479 We love ya, Lou! 533 00:21:19,512 --> 00:21:23,316 Both of you! Bravo! Bravo! 534 00:21:23,350 --> 00:21:24,751 All right, thank you very much. 535 00:22:54,306 --> 00:22:55,041 Marvin, Ma, I'm sorry I doubted you. 536 00:22:57,276 --> 00:22:59,912 Emery, sorry I taped a recording device to your chest. 537 00:22:59,946 --> 00:23:01,948 -It left a mark. -Honey's here, too. 538 00:23:01,981 --> 00:23:04,451 Sorry I talked over "The Sopranos". 539 00:23:04,484 --> 00:23:06,252 To make it up to all of you, 540 00:23:06,285 --> 00:23:08,688 I wanted to present my two-man show. 541 00:23:08,721 --> 00:23:10,389 Since you love sharing Lou stories, 542 00:23:10,423 --> 00:23:12,559 this will give you a lot to chew on. 543 00:23:14,326 --> 00:23:17,163 "Two Lous" by Louis Huang. 544 00:23:18,565 --> 00:23:21,868 Growing up in Taiwan, nothing comes easy. 545 00:23:21,901 --> 00:23:23,436 Shut up, you baby! 546 00:23:23,470 --> 00:23:24,937 Who said that? 547 00:23:24,971 --> 00:23:27,073 You said that! 548 00:23:28,441 --> 00:23:31,878 Okay, I don't know what to do. 549 00:23:31,911 --> 00:23:33,780 Just kiss her, you fool. 550 00:23:37,684 --> 00:23:39,151 You said this was good. 551 00:23:39,185 --> 00:23:40,720 I remembered wrong. 552 00:23:40,753 --> 00:23:44,090 I can't believe I'm alone on Christmas. 553 00:23:45,124 --> 00:23:46,959 You're never alone... 554 00:23:51,197 --> 00:23:53,800 Let me live, Mama! 555 00:23:53,833 --> 00:23:57,236 Maybe if you acted like a man for once in your life. 556 00:23:58,605 --> 00:24:00,573 You're drunk again, aren't you? 557 00:24:00,607 --> 00:24:03,409 I'm not drunk! 558 00:24:03,442 --> 00:24:04,977 You're drunk! 559 00:24:07,514 --> 00:24:09,281 We're drunk! 560 00:24:09,315 --> 00:24:10,750 I wish I was drunk. 561 00:24:10,783 --> 00:24:12,719 Yeah, this is the only way I can get through this. Here. 562 00:24:14,186 --> 00:24:15,688 We love ya, Lou! 563 00:24:15,722 --> 00:24:19,526 Both of you! Bravo! Bravo! 564 00:24:19,559 --> 00:24:20,960 All right, thank you very much. 565 00:24:20,993 --> 00:24:22,461 Now it's time for act two.