You got a baby coming. A car seat just won't fit.
We tried it on the turnpike with a watermelon.
If it's okay, Lou, I'd like a few moments alone with her.
**
[ Whistles ]
That's a 30-footer.
35.
Calvin, General Manager of Kareem Abdul-Jabbar Motors.
Oh, I get it. [ Chuckles ] Like the NBA legend.
You guys are just copying Shaq Motors across town.
No, no. He's copying me.
[ Gasps ]
Always has.
I'm a Laker center. He's a Laker center.
I buy a car lot. He buys a car lot.
I star in a movie.
He stars in..."Shazam."
It was "Kazaam."
I got this, Melvin.
[ Whispering ] It's Calvin.
Kareem, I didn't know you owned a car lot.
I come down here every so often
to make sure things are going right.
Oh, yeah. It's a real morale boost
for those that work here the other 360 days a year.
Morale was boosted pretty high when I dropped those 50 skyhooks
on your co-ed recreation-league game.
Still didn't play no defense.
So, you interested in this RV?
Oh. Oh, no. I'm just, uh,
helping my friend trade in his car.
Long may you run, Cherry.
Long may you run.
[ Smooches ]
Well, look, why don't we just go for a test drive?
[ Sighs ] I don't know.
Kareem: All the comforts of home,
except your address is Adventure, USA.
I have always wanted to take the family out on the pavement,
road-trip it like one of those families on TV.
Close your eyes, Louis.
Turn the keys. Embark.
[ "Full House" theme song plays ]
* Everywhere you look
* Everywhere you go
* There's a heart
* A hand to hold onto
* Everywhere you look
* Everywhere you go
* There's a face of somebody who needs you *
* Everywhere you look
* When you're lost out there
* And you're all alone
* A light is waiting to carry you home *
* Everywhere you look
* Shoo-ba-doo-ba-baba-dow
The Huangs across America.
So, cash? Or how does this work?
Louis!
Honey's in labor! Sh-- Hey.
The co-pilot from "Airplane."
C-Come on! We gotta go!
This close to a sale.
-- Captions by VITAC --
* Fresh off the boat
* I'm gettin' mine everywhere I go *
* If you don't know, homey, now you know *
* Fresh off the boat
* Homey, you don't know where I come from *
* But I know where I'm goin'
* I'm fresh off the boat
**
Can you believe it? Our baby boy came out a girl.
[ Chuckles ] What a show.
It doesn't happen much,
but the technician misread the sonogram.
And what we thought was his deedle-doo
was actually a thing-a-ma-which. [ Chuckles ]
Umbilical cord. Yeah.
So, now we need a girl's name.
Did you already have a boy name picked out?
Well, Marvin insisted on a nautical theme,
so we were down to two -- Jonah and...
Ishmael.
So a happy miracle, indeed.
[ Chuckles ] And just think, your baby's due tomorrow.
Your book -- "A Case of a Knife to the Brain."
Oh, gosh. [ Sighs ] Already? I almost forgot.
You did send birth announcements to the entire HOA.
Oh, that was a joke. [ Chuckles ]
Of course I don't think my book is an actual baby...
though I did spend more than nine months on it.
What did you mean by "deedle-doo"?
[ Emergency brake engages ]
So, about your baby sister --
No, we're not naming her "Jamiroquai."
Alright. We'll circle back to this in a week
when you're not so close to it.
Yeah, about that.
We need to have a talk.
A Saturn talk.
Whoa.
[ Sunroof closes ]
Saturn secure.
What happens in here stays in here.
Shoot.
I'm moving to New York with my mom, and I got into this school that teaches fashion,
and I don't think I can pass it up.
[ Sighs ] Sorry. I know this sucks.
That's...
awesome!
It is?
Totally! New York City?
You can chill out in the park, order pizzas at 3:00 a.m.,
and Beastie Boys songs will make a lot more sense now.
Why is there no sleep till Brooklyn?
Well, you're about to find out.
Wow. I thought this talk
was gonna be a whole lot tougher.
Please. You know me better than that.
What? Did you think I was gonna start crying or something?
[ Fakes crying, laughs ]
* Happy Book Day to you
* Happy --
I have a reading for my novel today,
and I need to decide on a passage.
"Snap! And suddenly the only sound was the rope,
creaking under his weight and the fading pendulum scrape
of his steel-toe boots against the hickory planks."
Powerful.
Do you like that passage
or the one where they find the paperboy's bloody bike?
Hmm, tough call. They're both great. [ Chuckles ]
Uh, where is this reading?
The bookstore.
My publisher thinks it might help boost sales,
which could lead to TV spots, a book tour...maybe even Oprah.
[ Gasps ] The Big "O."
[ Chuckles ] I-I mean, "big" like a star.
She actually looks great now.
And she did before, too.
[ Clears throat ] Um, this is great.
Uh, I'll get the boys, and we'll all go to the reading.
But it's my job.
I don't go to the restaurant and stare at you.
Remember?
We found that it didn't improve your productivity.
But this is your big day, and it'll be good for the boys.
They learn by watching us, and they should see how your hard work pays off.
You would just be taking up space from actual book-buyers.
Plus, if I want to read the graphic sex scenes,
I need to feel comfortable doing all the sound effects.
**
"So You Wanna Be a Psychiatrist"?
You know how I plan to become Doctor President.
Well, I always assumed I'd be a surgeon.
The respect...
The mastery of fine motor skills...
The ladies.
But after spending three hours in the hospital
visiting Honey's baby,
I don't think I can stand the smell.
Can you mail a hot dog?
I'm making a list of stuff I want Nicole to send me from New York --
a Statue of Liberty lighter,
whatever a knish is, a bullet.
Any ideas for her going-away gift?
I'm always game to power-browse Things Remembered at the mall.
Why would I get her a gift?
Because she's your friend.
I have tons of friends.
I'm not trying to dole out prizes
every time one of them skips town.
But Nicole is different.
Oh, because she's a chick?
That's sexist, homey.
No, I mean, you two are so close.
Aren't you sad she's moving?
Sad? Pfft.
She's only leaving for school,
and she'll be back on the holidays and stuff.
Guys, it's not a big deal.
**
"The lady doth protest too much, methinks."
Uh, can we stay on Eddie for a second?
I think he's pretending he doesn't care Nicole is leaving.
Yeah, that's what I --
He's in denial. I read about this in my book.
He needs to admit he's sad and talk about his feelings.
Or he might dissociate completely
and chop us all up in our sleep.
That's an extreme example in here, but it does happen.
Boys, get ready. We're gonna surprise Mom at her reading.
We're going to the bookstore.
Hallelujah!
Get ready to feast, brain!
[ Indistinct conversations ]
Wow, look at this line.
It's like Mommy is Space Mountain.
Sorry. We're not letting anyone else in today.
Fire code.
We'll have plenty of books tomorrow.
[ Crowd groans ]
You know what? That's fine.
She's doing it, boys.
We'll just surprise her back home.
You made me put on my dress shorts.
[ Excited, indistinct chatter ]
**
I'm a failure.
**
Hey, Jessica.
We know what happened at the reading.
You do?
We went there to surprise you.
Look, it isn't easy to say, but I --
Absolutely killed it! [ Chuckles ]
It was so crowded we couldn't even get in.
We were so excited, we made you...
A case of a knife to the brain.
Cake!
A cake of a knife to the brain!
One line, Ma.
[ Chuckles ]
Well, tell us all about it.
**
What can I say? The book is a hit.
-Alright! -Yes, Mom!
But it's not a big deal.
You're right. It is a very big deal.
Boys, your mother's hard work has led to this great success.
How big a hit are we talking? Are we rich?
Can we get a pet puma?!
Let's just say the store
has never sold as many copies on a first day.
[ Chuckles ] So, a-a book tour? TV interviews?
[ Gasps ] Oh, my God. Is Regis on the table?
I don't want to jinx it,
so just don't go crazy spending money.
Yeah, nobody "MC Hammer" this thing.
**
The river on the east side is the East River,
but the river on the west is the Hudson?
Good luck, Nicole.
At least he's thinking about her.
That's good, right?
I'm afraid not. It's classic sublimation.
His denial has turned into productivity.
He's losing his sense of self.
When has Eddie ever researched for pleasure?
My God.
He needs to face his feelings soon,
or when it finally hits him, he'll lash out at someone.
Chop. Chop.
[ Breathes deeply ]
Hey, dawg.
Evan and I were just talking about Nicole.
Your best friend who's moving away.
You two sure have had some great times together.
Mm.
* Back in the days when I was young, I'm not a kid anymore *
* But some days I sit and wish I was a kid again *
* Back in the days when I was young, I'm not a kid anymore *
* But some days I sit and wish I was a kid again * [ Eddie screams ]
* And everybody say * I remember way back when
* What? * Back in the day
* When? * Back in the day
Yeah, we have had some great times.
Thanks for reminding me, guys.
There's so much stuff I have to get out of her car before she goes --
my CD Player, Bootyman hat,
drive-thru window gorilla mask.
For our door -- padlock or dead bolt?
[ Sighs ]
[ Birds chirping ]
Louis! What did I tell you about spending money?
There isn't even enough room in the pantry for all of this.
True. But there is room...
in here.
[ Horn honks "Full House" theme ]
What...is...this?
It's a 1998 NationWheeler with all the bells and whistles.
Why is this?
Now we can all go on your book tour as a family.
Finally take that road trip across America
we've always talked about.
We can see the Heartland.
And the regions of the South
once decimated by the boll weevil.
How much did this house-truck cost?
I knew that would come up, but don't worry.
It's a business write-off.
**
Now as we drive across the land,
everyone will know best-selling author Jessica Huang is aboard.
Is that my driver's license photo?
Um, so, what do you say? Huangs across America?
**
Sure.
[ Chuckles ] Yeah.
I live here now.
**
I remember packing for the big city around your age.
Of course, back then all you needed
was a bar of soap and your wits.
We're gonna miss you, Nicole.
And so will little Maria.
[ Baby crying in distance ]
Ah, sounds like Coral's stirring.
I'll go get Coral.
No, no. Stay. I'll get Maria.
[ Crying continues ]
Mm!
[ Door opens, closes ]
Hey. Still going to New York, huh?
Yeah. I leave tomorrow at 3:00.
Phew. I thought I missed you.
I left a bunch of crap in the Saturn
and wanted to get it back.
Yeah. Here you go.
Whoa. My old Kris Kross CD! [ Chuckles ]
I was getting the car ready to sell,
and that was stuck to a Frosty lid.
Wait. You're selling the Saturn?
New York's way too expensive for a car.
That's why all the cops ride horses.
I'll take the subway, no big deal.
No big deal? You're cool with just dumping the Saturn?
Who cares about all the good times we had in there?
And our Saturn talks -- I guess those meant nothing to you.
Now you're upset?
You're more worked up about the car
than when I said I was leaving!
Well, to be fair, the car isn't moving to New York
and totally bailing on me for the rest of high school!
You know what? Forget it. Have fun in New York!
Peace.
[ Insects chirping ]
Aren't the Cascades enchanting, family?
[ Chuckles ]
No, thank you.
Oh, my God. Is that Bigfoot?
Emery, get the camera!
Set it to burst mode!
[ Scoffs ] Then just bring it here!
Louis?
Oh, hey.
I thought you and I could celebrate
with some champagne.
I just want you to take a second to really soak it all in.
You did it.
Thanks.
And you deserve some fun,
so tomorrow, I'm buying his-and-her Jet Skis
so we can zip around Havasu like a pair of dragonflies.
They're not cheap, but neither is happiness.
The book is a flop, Louis!
What?
[ Sighs ] It sold less than 100 copies nationwide.
What about that line at the store?
Everyone was there for some other book -- "Boy Witch."
Written by a homeless British teacher of all things.
Then why did you say it was a hit?
Because between you and the cake
and Evan's big saucer eyes going blink, blink,
I didn't have a choice.
I guess people just weren't ready for your talent.
But, hey, maybe your work will be worth more when you're dead like Monet.
[ Sighs ]
We'll have to cancel the road trip.
But the boys were so excited.
But can't just fake a book tour.
Everything will be fine.
I'll return this tomorrow, and then when I get back,
we'll tell the boys what happened with your book.
Okay?
Okay.
**
[ Door closes ]
Good night, Havasu.
**
[ Birds chirping ]
Morning, Ma.
I'm returning the RV, so let me know
if you hid any chewing tobacco in the seat pockets.
What?!
**
Where's the first stop on the book tour, Mom?
Uh, Miami.
But we're going north.
It's a shortcut.
Huh. Why couldn't we wait for Dad?
He'll join us later. There was an emergency at Cattleman's Ranch.
What happened?!
Hector's earring fell into the chili!
Let Mommy focus on the road, please!
Eddie, I was hoping we could really dig in
on your childhood today.
[ Growling ] Go...away!
We're gonna reschedule. [ Pen clicks ]
Hey, uh, is Kareem here?
They always ask for Kareem.
He's showing a customer an RV.
Stupid question, but what does "RV" stand for?
[ Snores ]
[ Quietly ] Oh, sorry, sorry.
Did my wife return an RV this morning?
20-foot ad of an Asian lady on the side?
This morning? No.
Damn it. She took our kids,
and I have no idea where they went.
Well, our RVs come standard with LoJack.
I could get the tracker and help you find them.
Oh, great. [ Chuckles ]
Uh, you and Kareem, right?
There it is!
Another win for Team Kareem.
Kareem did it.
Not the computer inside the LoJack.
[ Sighs ]
That's not good.
Don't worry. All the knives are accounted for.
Hey, where's your mom?
Doing a reading at the bookstore.
**
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar?! Dude, Nicole is gonna flip.
She has a poster of you fighting Bruce Lee in her room.
Whoa. An RV is no place to be sad.
My best friend is moving away, and we got in a fight,
but I'm cool. I'm cool.
A double "I'm cool"?
Let's not gloss over this.
[ Sighs ] I have three years of high school left,
and she's the only friend who really gets me,
who speaks Eddie.
I take it you're Eddie?
I get it. It's hard to say goodbye.
But you're making this about you.
You got to realize that it's hard on her, too.
Why? She's the one leaving me.
Look, I'm at my car lot five days a year.
When I leave, my employees are super sad,
but they're not seeing things from where I stand at 7'2".
I have to leave my best friends, K-- Ke-- Kevin, all of them.
I didn't even think about that.
Don't let your best friend leave
without knowing she's your best friend.
I get it, Kareem. Thanks.
I thought for sure that you were gonna use a basketball metaphor.
Well, you know, I'm a man of, uh, many talents.
They used to think they had me pinned and then...
skyhook. [ Chuckles ]
That's how you break down a wall.
[ Scoffs ] He can fly now?
Guess I should've given Jennifer Hong
the ability to defy physics.
Garbage.
Louis: Jessica?
Why'd you run off with the boys?
I stole your idea.
I'm taking them on a fake book tour.
It's going well. Tomorrow we tackle the Panhandle.
Jessica, what's going on?
I don't want the boys to find out about my book.
They'll never respect me again.
[ Scoffs ] That's ridiculous.
Is it? You said yourself they learn from watching us.
If they see my book is a dud, you know what they learn?
That their mom is a failure.
**
Just because the book didn't sell
doesn't mean you are a failure, but you can't hide this.
It's just as important for the boys to see
how you deal with a loss as it is to see you succeed.
It's just I've never failed like this before in my life.
I know.
But I've failed hundreds of times,
and you were always there for me.
Let me be there for you.
You have failed a lot.
Building your own dirt bike.
Beekeeping.
Cattleman's in a cup. Yep.
The banjo, "Top Hat" Louis,
forming your own break-dance crew.
Okay, let's go tell the boys.
I'm just gonna finish this chapter. No.
Boys, your mother has something
she needs to tell you about her book.
Sometimes you forget how stupid the rest of the world is.
Like how all anybody cares about
is whether some snotty British boy can fly and --
Eddie? What's wrong?
I never said goodbye to Nicole.
And she leaves in an hour,
and now we're here on this book tour.
I messed up.
**
Book tour is cancelled.
We're going home so Eddie can see Nicole.
-Sweet! -Yes.
You're not gonna tell them?
I will later, but right now, our son needs us.
The one thing I can't ever fail is our boys.
Oh!
[ Keys clatter ] How about a heads-up?
**
[ Brakes hiss ]
Damn it! We're 40 minutes late!
Nicole! You're still here!
I thought you were leaving at 3:00.
I'm leaving at 5:00.
I told you 3:00 because
it always takes you longer than it should to come around.
[ Sighs ] You really do speak Eddie.
Got time for one last Saturn talk?
I'm sorry I was a dope.
I'm just...really gonna miss you.
You're going to miss me?
How am I supposed to make it without you?
You had permanent shotgun.
I mean, you've been there through everything.
I know it sucks we won't be together talking like this,
but you're gonna kill it in New York.
You're Nicole. [ Chuckles ]
I'm gonna miss you, girl.
I'm gonna miss you, fool.
**
[ Sighs ]
[ Sniffles ]
Are you crying?
Nah. It's just my allergies. [ Chuckles ]
Okay.
Because you know what happens in here stays in here, forever.
Whew!
It's -- It's really flaring up now.
[ Both laugh ]
And with that home run,
Sammy Sosa retakes the lead over Mark McGwire.
Slammin' Sammy!
You know he's on steroids, right?
What steroids?
Hey, I know it's going to be difficult,
but you still need to tell the boys
what happened with the book.
**
What book?
[ Sighs ]
I know what you're doing,
but you can't just deny it happened.
Deny what happened?
Uh-oh.