Look at you boys.
I can't believe the school year's almost over.
In fact, stand against the wall.
I want to see how much you've grown.
You've never measured us before.
Yeah, but the last family who lived here measured their kids.
Let's see how you stack up against
Howie, Jack, and Kimmy Pozlacek.
What happened to Kimmy?
At a certain point, she just disappeared altogether.
Did she go to college?
She was so short.
I'm so proud of you boys.
Evan's finishing third grade, Eddie seventh,
and Emery's graduating elementary school
as the fifth-grade valedictorian.
He gets to give a speech.
Okay, let's talk graduation presents.
What are you getting me? Can I have Jordans?
No, we're not getting you
another pair of basketball heels.
We're getting you something better.
-Yes! -Awesome!
By Santa's beard!
What?
You are invited to the Cattleman's Ranch
Rib-Eye on the Future Graduation Buffet Dinner,
featuring all-you-can-eat chicken.
If it's Rib-Eye on the Future, why are we having chicken?
Because chicken is the steak of the future.
Wow.
-- Captions by VITA --
* Fresh off the boat
* I'm gettin' mine everywhere I go *
* If you don't know, homey, now you know *
* Fresh off the boat
* Homey, you don't know where I come from *
* But I know where I'm goin'
* I'm fresh off the boat
So, our big graduation present
is dinner at your restaurant, which we eat at all the time?
That's incredible!
(chuckles)
We'll go to your graduation, then eat after.
And you can each invite one friend to bring with you.
Great! I'll invite my friend J.J.
No. J.J.'s too chicken crazy.
And he goes through napkins like wildfire.
Very well.
Then I'll invite Mommy.
Oh, I would love to go with you, my angel.
Good. That's one less mouth to feed.
My boo, Alison, is performing at Emery's graduation
with the Orlando Youth Orchestra.
We can give her a ride to dinner.
Great. So Eddie's bringing his girlfriend.
Girlfriend?! What girlfriend?
Um...Alison?
I've mentioned her several times.
I just said "my boo, Alison"?
"Boo"? That's the word of a ghost.
Eddie, I had no idea you had a girlfriend.
In fact, I don't understand most of what you say.
Sho' nuff.
What? I --
Don't worry. I met Alison at the Fall Ball.
She's a great girl.
Yeah, Mom. You'll love her.
Really? Think about how many people I love.
Do the math.
Have your brothers help you do the math.
(school bell rings)
-I know, right? -Yeah.
(gasps) That's what I was saying!
Hey, Alison. Hey, Nicole.
-What's up? -Just hanging out.
Talking about something other than a man.
It's called the Bechdel test.
We learned about it when we were studying feminism.
We'd tell you more, but we'd fail.
Cool, cool.
So, Alison, my parents are throwing a dinner
after Emery's graduation,
and they said I could bring a date.
Great! I'm so excited to finally meet your mom.
Oh, Mrs. Huang?
You're gonna love her.
I hung out with her when I babysat Eddie.
We were more like co-babysitters.
No, she paid me to watch you.
Later.
Don't be nervous. Parents love me --
My mom wants me to date a Chinese girl.
What? She said that?
She's been saying that for a long time.
If we talk to our baby, he'll learn the sound of our voices.
Hey, little baby, this is your bàba.
(doorbell rings)
Uh, that must be your buffalo wings.
Be right there!
Baby, this is your mother.
You're going to date a Chinese girl.
I thought she'd gotten over that,
but I guess she didn't understand we were dating.
How can she not understand?
I don't know!
I said you were my boo, my fly girl, my fine shorty.
I don't know how much clearer I could have been.
So, is she gonna hate me?
(sucks in air)
I really would love to say no here.
(scoffs) Well, maybe it won't be tha bad.
I mean, once she meets you at the dinner, I'll bet -- No. No way.
Now that I know this, I can't meet your mom
for the first time at a graduation dinner.
It's too much pressure.
What if I set up a casual hang at my place?
Then you can meet her in a controlled setting!
Yeah, that's good. I'll bring her a lemon cake.
Everybody loves lemon cake, right?
(sucks in air) I don't.
I wouldn't.
Mnh-mnh.
(door opens, closes)
There he is, Mr. Valedictorian.
How's your big speech coming?
Great. I thought I'd thank all the people at school
for being so nice.
I have a question for you.
If Lincoln gave the Gettysburg Address
and just said things were "nice,"
do you think we'd still have slavery?
What?
Speeches have the ability to effect real change.
Lincoln knew that.
Guess who else knows that.
-Diane Keaton? -Me.
I am known for my inspirational speeches.
So let's go out there
and let's win one for Charlie Sheen's brother!
Ladies, if we build it, they will come!
(all cheering)
As we approach Eddie's third birthday,
we should get him the greatest gift of all --
a human sibling.
JESSICA: Oh, yeah, I forgot to tell you.
I'm already pregnant.
Wh--
There is great power in public speaking,
if you know how to harness it.
Can you teach me?
I'd be honored.
But I'm busy.
Of course I will! See?
In two sentences, I made you feel three feelings --
disappointment and elation.
What's the third feeling?
Curiosity.
**
What do you mean?
I don't have a suit.
I have two blazers, three khakis,
and six shirts that I mix and match
to create 36 different looks.
Isn't a suit complicated to make?
(chuckles)
Hmm.
I wanted to play video games,
but Alison insisted we have a study date.
I guess being with Alison just makes me a better student.
Does she do C.L.C.?
Uh, no.
Hmm.
-What are you writing? -Nothing.
Can I talk to you for a second?
(sighs) Try not to be too judgmental about Eddie's girlfriend.
I know you want him to date a Chinese girl,
but this is Florida.
His options are limited.
Well, then he should wait until he goes to college.
He could find a Chinese girl at Northwestern.
Georgia Tech.
(doorbell rings)
Oh! Right on time.
That's another thing about Alison -- so punctual.
Um...
Oh, hi! You must be Mr. and Mrs. Huang.
I'm Alison.
Eddie, you didn't tell me your girlfriend was Chinese.
Oh!
I almost lost my balance from joy.
Hi. Um, have we met before? Because I thought --
Oh, yes. We met at the Fall Ball.
Nice to see you again, Mr. Huang.
Please, please. Come in.
Louis, you didn't tell me Alison was Chinese.
This is the only surprise you've ever given me
that I have liked.
I'd like to present you with a traditional gift of oranges.
I buy them wholesale.
(whispering) Yes.
Eddie, shut the door. Shut the door.
Shut the door! Shut the door!
(normal voice) I'll just put these in the kitchen.
Who are you?
-Are you Eddie? -Yes.
I'm Audrey, Alison's friend from Youth Orchestra.
Call her. She'll explain everything.
Alison, I have so many questions for you.
Where do you live? Where is your family from?
Well, uh, we live near Thornton Park,
which is right over by...
Um, are you crying?
I've been waiting for you.
Come on. Come on. Let's go. Come on.
(telephone rings)
I'm sorry!
Why is there a Chinese girl here saying she's you?
I freaked out.
All that talk about your mom got in my head,
so I sent my friend Audrey.
She plays second-chair piccolo in orchestra with me.
Eddie, get off the phone! You're being rude!
And lose the bowls on the table.
I'm gonna put out the good chips.
I'm gonna tell her the truth. This is crazy!
No, you can't! She'll hate me even more!
Well, what was your plan?
I didn't have one! I panicked!
Hey, Eddie. Uh, Alison wanted to talk to you.
That's not Alison. Whew.
I didn't want to say anything.
I'm usually great with faces.
Me, too.
Do you use the Eyes-Mouth Method
or the Most Prominent Feature?
Both of you, shut your eyes-mouth.
No one cares.
Is that Audrey? Say hi for me.
(sighs) Alison says hi.
Tell her, "Hi, Al."
Your mom wanted me to tell you to come join us in the kitchen.
She's gonna make dumplings while I quiz you with flashcards.
I have to go deal with this.
Okay, but promise me you won't say anything.
We'll figure something out tomorrow at school.
Fine.
So, quick quesh --
That's not Alison.
She panicked and sent her friend Audrey.
(chuckles) I knew it wasn't her.
I'm good with faces. I use the Mouth-Chin Method.
(sighs)
Perfect? Look at this sleeve.
Can we move some of this over here?
That's not even a real ruler. That's Bubble Tape.
(school bell rings)
Well, I hope you're happy. My mom loves you.
She does?!
Oh. Right. That's not good.
Having a Chinese girl come to my house and pretend she's you?
This is untenable, dawg!
"Untenable"?
I learned it from Audrey's flashcards.
It was a long night.
I'm sorry.
I just really wanted your mom to like me.
I get it. But we have to come clean.
Come over tonight. We'll tell my mom it was a joke.
I'll introduce you, pop in a movie,
and boom -- problem solved.
A movie? How is that gonna fix anything?
My mom's a huge Denzel fan.
I was saving "Malcolm X" for when I did something really bad,
like turn our van into a low-rider.
But these are desperate times.
And now, your valedictorian,
Emery...Emery... Emery...Emery...
Huang...Huang... Huang...Huang.
(imitates crowd cheering)
That's your cue.
Oh. Great. Wait.
Where are your visual aids? Your charts? Your props?
-I don't have any. -(sighs)
Emery, you don't just speak to people's ears.
You speak to their eyes.
Give me your speech. I'll show you how it's done.
(clears throat)
"Good afternoon, Palms Elementary School."
I'm sorry. I can't do this.
Dad, that's my speech!
Dad!
I had prepared some remarks,
but instead, I'm going to speak from the heart.
And then the real speech is on your hand.
Ohh.
-That's good. -Mm-hmm.
And you swapped out my speech with the pages you ripped up.
Right?
Hey, what's that alien's name?
You ready?
I'm ready.
Hello, Mother.
-Funny story. -Eddie!
Hi. Your mom called and invited me to play mahjong.
She insisted that I come over.
Insisted.
I love this girlfriend of yours, Eddie.
She never feeds Grandma any good tiles.
(chuckles)
Who's this?
Hi. I'm, uh --
She's, uh, selling Girl Scout cookies.
Cookies? Cookies?
Nope, we're all good.
Thanks, stranger! See yourself out! Bye-bye!
Eddie!
You didn't ask Alison if she wanted cookies.
Alison?
Do you have anything lemon?
(gasps) I love lemon.
(knock on door)
Hi, Eddie.
Change your mind about those Thin Mints?
I'm sorry. I just -- My mom looked so happy.
I don't know. I just panicked.
-Where's Audrey? -Still at my house.
I said I had to go to the bathroom,
turned on the water, and crawled out the window.
(water running)
Eddie, hurry up!
Are you in line for the bathroom?
Yeah. I like waiting in line.
It's like being in a really slow parade.
You know what I hate? Line cutters.
You know who they're really cutting?
-Themselves. -Themselves.
EVAN: Come on! (knocking on door)
(whimpering)
Your mom's so happy with Audrey. I'd just be a disappointment.
I guess tomorrow at your brother's graduation,
we just pretend we don't know each other.
Yeah, I guess.
Well, I better get going.
If the water bill's too high, we all get grounded.
**
What a crowd.
I don't know which I like more, the pomp or the circumstance.
Alison!
(sighs) We need to get your girlfriend some pork bone stew,
help her hearing.
Alison!
Hey.
Hi, Eddie.
Hi, Reba.
I heard about your dating mess.
It's the talk of the band.
Sounds like the whole thing's FUBAR.
Fudged Up Beyond All Reba.
Have a nice summer.
You, too.
Hopefully when I get back, you'll have realized...
* Those girls are poison *
* Never trust a big butt and a smile *
Poison.
Reba.
Why aren't you wearing your new suit?
Good question.
Why aren't I wearing my new suit, Grandma?
Welcome to the Palms Elementary School class of 1996 graduation!
(applause)
And before we begin, a quick announcement.
Uh, Billy Sanders, I've just been informed
that you got a "D" on your last art project, so...
You let us down, Billy!
(door closes) Okay!
Please give a warm welcome to your valedictorian, Emery Huang!
Yeah, that's my boy! (laughs)
(applause)
Good afternoon.
Fourscore and three semesters ago...
I'm sorry. I can't do this.
(audience murmuring)
He's doing it.
I'd prepared a speech,
but instead I wanted to speak from the heart.
So, I'd like to take a few moments
to recognize the people
who helped me become the person I am -- my family.
My dad for giving me the confidence
to come out of my shell.
My grandma.
(chuckles)
And my little brother, Evan,
for teaching me that class comes in all sizes.
(gasps)
He said my name in the microphone.
I'm famous!
And my mom for always wanting what's best
for me and my brothers.
And my brother Eddie
for being honest and always speaking his mind.
And thank you to everyone else who supported me.
You've all been real, real nice.
(applause)
(sighs)
-That's not my girlfriend! -I don't like your girlfriend!
And now a medley by the Orlando Youth Orchestra.
(orchestra playing)
Wait. I thought you loved my girlfriend.
She's perfect.
I just didn't realize how boring that would be.
She's like tofu.
She absorbs flavor. Got none of her own.
You need someone with more personality, Eddie.
Like you.
I'm confused.
She's not your girlfriend?
No. The real Alison freaked out
when I told her you wanted me to date a Chinese girl.
I suppose you don't have to date someone who is Chinese.
She just has to act Chinese in here.
So, if the girl I met isn't your girlfriend, then who is?
The one playing 2Pac on the piccolo.
("California Love" playing)
First-chair piccolo.
Whoo! (applause)
And now I'd like to introduce our next valedictorian,
Chica Cohen.
(applause)
Next valedictorian?
At our school, everyone is valedictorian
so they don't feel left out.
They're pal-edictorians.
Hi, Mom!
Oh, oh, that's -- that's the light, dear.
Oh, okay.
Hi, Mom! It's me -- Chica!
* California
* Knows how to party
* California knows how to party *
So, in order to make a good first impression,
you used a Chinese double -- very clever.
It's exactly what I would have done. Thank you.
So, how did you get so good at piccolo?
Practice.
To be honest, I started playing
because there are a lot of unclaimed piccolo scholarships.
Yes.
Mom, are you ever gonna let me talk to Alison?
Be a gentleman and go get us some more chicken.
You have to start training them young.
Okay.
Eddie, I'm gonna need you to take it easy on the thighs.
We're running low.
I'm sorry, but the good food is for graduates only.
Thanks for everything, Dad.
Your "tearing up the speech" trick worked.
No, it didn't.
I could tell you weren't reading the speech off your hands.
I'm sorry.
In the moment, everything I'd written just didn't feel right.
I had to use my own words.
An off-the-cuff emotional speech?
Even Lincoln had to write his down.
You're a natural.
Hmm. Maybe one day you could teach me something.
I'd be honored.
But I'm busy.
-See what I did there? -I like what you did.
Hi, Emery.
Thanks for inviting me to be your date.
Thanks for saying yes.
We have so many shared interests.
Is that chicken?
Jessica.
She's really going to town on those thighs.
Why can't Emery find a nice girlfriend, like Eddie did?
Grandma? What's going on?
(Frank Sinatra's "Come Fly With Me" plays)
* Come fly with me
* Let's fly, let's fly away
* If you can use some exotic booze *
* There's a bar in far Bombay
* Come fly with me
* Let's fly, let's fly away
M'Mommy, shall we hit the buffet?
Nice suit.
**
I can't believe I've never seen "Malcolm X."
You know, in ancient Roman times,
his name would have been Malcolm 10.
Denzel looks good in glasses.
Is there a Mrs. X?
Yeah. Betty Shabazz.
She went on to become an educator
and civil rights leader.
Oh.
Malcolm X sure can give a speech.
Malcolm X wasn't afraid to bring the hammer down
when he saw a great injustice.
Which brings me to the water bill.
(gasps)
-Go! Run! -Go, go!
So, I was looking at it...