1 00:00:03,737 --> 00:00:05,639 All you women want is someone to treat you like trash. 2 00:00:05,673 --> 00:00:07,208 -This is not about me. -It's all about you. 3 00:00:07,241 --> 00:00:09,377 You got a good guy in Billy. 4 00:00:09,410 --> 00:00:10,844 He loves you and he wants to treat you right, 5 00:00:10,878 --> 00:00:12,080 but you got to come sniffing around me. 6 00:00:12,113 --> 00:00:14,248 Alison's got good guy Billy. 7 00:00:14,282 --> 00:00:16,517 Why's she sniffing around Jake? 8 00:00:16,550 --> 00:00:19,820 Marvin: The dental work in LA is just tops. 9 00:00:19,853 --> 00:00:22,390 I should've gone to Loyola Marymount when I had the chance. 10 00:00:22,423 --> 00:00:24,225 [ Mid-tempo music plays ] 11 00:00:28,896 --> 00:00:30,564 Announcer: It's the Hotdogger! 12 00:00:30,598 --> 00:00:32,166 I love "Melrose Place." 13 00:00:32,200 --> 00:00:33,601 Thanks for inviting Honey and me 14 00:00:33,634 --> 00:00:35,103 to watch with you flock of swans. 15 00:00:35,136 --> 00:00:36,737 I'm surprised you showed up, Honey. 16 00:00:36,770 --> 00:00:38,406 I didn't think you liked this show. 17 00:00:38,439 --> 00:00:40,941 I don't, but I'm always happy to spend time at Jessica's house, 18 00:00:40,974 --> 00:00:41,742 where I feel welcome. 19 00:00:42,876 --> 00:00:44,778 Unlike your house, Deidre. [ Scoffs ] 20 00:00:44,812 --> 00:00:47,248 Deidre, your hair always looks so amazing. 21 00:00:47,281 --> 00:00:49,383 How do you get it so shiny all the time? 22 00:00:49,417 --> 00:00:50,851 Oh, you girls know my trick. 23 00:00:50,884 --> 00:00:52,953 Together: Olive oil. 24 00:00:52,986 --> 00:00:54,688 My hair still feels like straw, 25 00:00:54,722 --> 00:00:56,590 and I've been sleeping with olive oil in it 26 00:00:56,624 --> 00:00:58,292 every night for a year. 27 00:00:58,326 --> 00:01:00,361 Harvey doesn't mind that? Oh, he minds. 28 00:01:00,394 --> 00:01:02,463 He started sleeping in the guest room. 29 00:01:02,496 --> 00:01:04,932 Says it's 'cause of the oily pillows, 30 00:01:04,965 --> 00:01:06,534 but what if there's somebody else? 31 00:01:06,567 --> 00:01:08,436 Oh, Carol-Joan, you're imagining things. 32 00:01:08,469 --> 00:01:10,037 Too bad Marvin's ex-wife wasn't. 33 00:01:10,070 --> 00:01:11,739 Okay. 34 00:01:11,772 --> 00:01:13,941 Shh! "Next week on 'Melrose Place'" is coming on. 35 00:01:13,974 --> 00:01:16,076 [ Theme plays ] 36 00:01:16,110 --> 00:01:19,046 Where is "Next week on 'Melrose Place'"? 37 00:01:19,079 --> 00:01:20,748 Oh, that was the finale. 38 00:01:20,781 --> 00:01:22,550 -What does that mean? -The season finale? 39 00:01:22,583 --> 00:01:24,385 It's the last episode of the show 40 00:01:24,418 --> 00:01:26,620 until the new season starts in September. 41 00:01:26,654 --> 00:01:29,056 So they just take summers off? 42 00:01:29,089 --> 00:01:31,091 Well, they do make 32 episodes a year. 43 00:01:31,125 --> 00:01:33,561 But there's 52 weeks in a year! 44 00:01:33,594 --> 00:01:36,630 Not even teachers take 20 weeks of vacation! 45 00:01:36,664 --> 00:01:39,633 Teachers! 46 00:01:39,667 --> 00:01:40,468 [ Door slams ] 47 00:01:40,501 --> 00:01:43,937 [ Theme continues ] 48 00:01:43,971 --> 00:01:45,939 I went to Pepperdine. 49 00:01:45,973 --> 00:01:47,475 I was a Zeta. 50 00:01:47,508 --> 00:01:48,942 All Zetas are trash. 51 00:01:50,378 --> 00:01:52,446 -- Captions by VITAC -- 52 00:01:52,480 --> 00:01:54,014 * Fresh off the boat 53 00:01:54,047 --> 00:01:55,649 * I'm gettin' mine everywhere I go * 54 00:01:55,683 --> 00:01:57,818 * If you don't know, homey, now you know * 55 00:01:57,851 --> 00:01:59,153 * Fresh off the boat 56 00:01:59,187 --> 00:02:01,322 * Homey, you don't know where I come from * 57 00:02:01,355 --> 00:02:03,090 * But I know where I'm goin' 58 00:02:03,123 --> 00:02:05,626 * I'm fresh off the boat 59 00:02:06,126 --> 00:02:09,297 Knock, knock. You ready to go? 60 00:02:09,330 --> 00:02:12,833 I can't believe "Melrose Place" is just over, Honey. 61 00:02:12,866 --> 00:02:14,835 What am I supposed to do now? 62 00:02:14,868 --> 00:02:16,837 It was only on for an hour a week. 63 00:02:16,870 --> 00:02:18,639 Is an hour of joy not enough joy? 64 00:02:18,672 --> 00:02:20,140 Come on. 65 00:02:20,174 --> 00:02:21,609 Let's go for a jog around the neighborhood. 66 00:02:21,642 --> 00:02:22,976 We'll get your endorphins flowing. 67 00:02:23,010 --> 00:02:25,213 Being out in our boring neighborhood 68 00:02:25,246 --> 00:02:28,482 is just gonna remind me how much better "Melrose Place" was. 69 00:02:28,516 --> 00:02:30,284 There's no drama here. 70 00:02:30,318 --> 00:02:33,387 No twists, no dark secrets revealed. 71 00:02:33,421 --> 00:02:35,189 No unlikely alliances, 72 00:02:35,223 --> 00:02:37,525 no betrayals between friends. 73 00:02:37,558 --> 00:02:39,893 No quick head turns followed by... 74 00:02:39,927 --> 00:02:43,364 [ Vocalizes dramatic music ] 75 00:02:43,397 --> 00:02:45,165 What did I do with my life 76 00:02:45,199 --> 00:02:47,535 before Deidre introduced me to this show? 77 00:02:47,568 --> 00:02:50,037 How can you hang out with that awful woman? 78 00:02:50,070 --> 00:02:51,505 She's not genuine. 79 00:02:51,539 --> 00:02:53,541 Plus she refuses to forgive me 80 00:02:53,574 --> 00:02:55,576 for breaking up Marvin and his ex-wife. 81 00:02:55,609 --> 00:02:58,479 Because that was all my fault, right? [ Scoffs ] 82 00:02:58,512 --> 00:03:00,481 Wasn't her cocaine addiction or the fact 83 00:03:00,514 --> 00:03:02,983 that she identified as asexual during the last census. 84 00:03:03,016 --> 00:03:06,086 Aww, you look so handsome, Evan. 85 00:03:06,119 --> 00:03:08,356 Got to look sharp for today's HOA meeting. 86 00:03:08,389 --> 00:03:10,491 We're voting on the cow mailbox 87 00:03:10,524 --> 00:03:12,593 Lisa wants to put up in front of her house. 88 00:03:12,626 --> 00:03:13,193 Love cows. 89 00:03:13,227 --> 00:03:14,562 Me too. 90 00:03:14,595 --> 00:03:16,730 It's so funny. She calls it a moo-box. 91 00:03:16,764 --> 00:03:18,766 [ Laughs ] 92 00:03:18,799 --> 00:03:21,569 Do you think Evan will be more of a Billy... [ Door closes ] 93 00:03:21,602 --> 00:03:24,204 ...or Dr. Michael Mancini? 94 00:03:24,238 --> 00:03:26,907 You need a distraction to take your mind off of this show. 95 00:03:26,940 --> 00:03:27,941 Like what? 96 00:03:30,944 --> 00:03:32,780 We're getting a pool! 97 00:03:32,813 --> 00:03:34,382 -Yes! -Awesome! -What? 98 00:03:34,415 --> 00:03:35,416 Honey gave me the idea. 99 00:03:35,449 --> 00:03:36,950 They have one on "Melrose Place," 100 00:03:36,984 --> 00:03:38,118 and they never get bored. 101 00:03:38,151 --> 00:03:39,853 This will give us something to do all summer 102 00:03:39,887 --> 00:03:40,921 till the show comes back. 103 00:03:40,954 --> 00:03:41,955 This is gonna be ill. 104 00:03:41,989 --> 00:03:43,524 Me under a waterfall, 105 00:03:43,557 --> 00:03:45,092 cute broads doing cannonballs. 106 00:03:45,125 --> 00:03:46,927 Giggling. 107 00:03:46,960 --> 00:03:49,229 An above-ground pool? 108 00:03:49,263 --> 00:03:51,231 Where's the grotto at?! 109 00:03:51,265 --> 00:03:53,033 Hey, a pool's a pool. 110 00:03:53,066 --> 00:03:55,035 Why can't you be more like Emery? 111 00:03:55,068 --> 00:03:57,037 Calm and idyllic, 112 00:03:57,070 --> 00:03:59,607 like the waters of a SwimBowl Pro 800. 113 00:03:59,640 --> 00:04:03,076 I love it. Boys, swimwear. Go! 114 00:04:03,110 --> 00:04:04,612 But the giggling. 115 00:04:04,645 --> 00:04:09,483 The hell? What...is...this? 116 00:04:09,517 --> 00:04:11,885 This was not approved by the HOA. 117 00:04:11,919 --> 00:04:13,053 Don't you want a pool? 118 00:04:13,086 --> 00:04:14,254 Of course I want a pool. 119 00:04:14,288 --> 00:04:15,623 So what's the problem? 120 00:04:15,656 --> 00:04:17,725 Um, the law. 121 00:04:17,758 --> 00:04:20,428 The HOA bylaws state that we have to vote 122 00:04:20,461 --> 00:04:22,330 on all visible property changes. 123 00:04:22,363 --> 00:04:24,432 I don't need somebody's permission 124 00:04:24,465 --> 00:04:26,767 to put a pool on my own property. 125 00:04:26,800 --> 00:04:28,436 They'll fine you $35 a day. 126 00:04:28,469 --> 00:04:29,937 $35 a day?! 127 00:04:29,970 --> 00:04:31,305 That's like a suite at the Hyatt! 128 00:04:31,339 --> 00:04:32,773 Fine. 129 00:04:32,806 --> 00:04:35,909 We'll vote on the pool at the next HOA meeting. 130 00:04:35,943 --> 00:04:37,445 $35 a day. 131 00:04:37,478 --> 00:04:39,112 That kind of money, 132 00:04:39,146 --> 00:04:42,282 I could've flown to see Oprah speak in Biloxi. 133 00:04:46,820 --> 00:04:47,921 He's really having fun. 134 00:04:47,955 --> 00:04:48,956 He's a good dad. 135 00:04:51,191 --> 00:04:54,161 Whoo-hoo-hoo! Handstand! 136 00:04:54,194 --> 00:04:56,697 Okay, now you two have a breath-holding contest. 137 00:04:56,730 --> 00:04:57,498 I'll judge. 138 00:04:59,967 --> 00:05:01,935 Damn! 139 00:05:01,969 --> 00:05:04,538 [ Wu-Tang Clan's "C.R.E.A.M." plays ] 140 00:05:06,640 --> 00:05:09,042 That is a nice vest he's wearing. 141 00:05:09,076 --> 00:05:11,011 Huh. Wonder where he got that vest. 142 00:05:14,815 --> 00:05:16,083 I bet he got it at Structure. [ Gasps ] 143 00:05:16,116 --> 00:05:19,487 Every time I see that store, I want to go inside it. 144 00:05:19,520 --> 00:05:21,221 Why don't I ever go inside it? 145 00:05:21,254 --> 00:05:23,891 Can I pull off a vest like that? 146 00:05:23,924 --> 00:05:26,126 I won! 147 00:05:26,159 --> 00:05:27,294 You cheated! 148 00:05:27,327 --> 00:05:28,195 Dad, you saw him, right? 149 00:05:28,228 --> 00:05:30,998 He came up for air twice! 150 00:05:31,031 --> 00:05:32,833 Weren't you watching? 151 00:05:32,866 --> 00:05:35,536 Uh, no, I wasn't. 152 00:05:35,569 --> 00:05:38,305 Eddie! [ Speaks indistinctly ] 153 00:05:38,338 --> 00:05:41,108 [ Screaming ] 154 00:05:48,516 --> 00:05:52,085 [ Screaming continues ] 155 00:05:52,119 --> 00:05:53,721 Dude. 156 00:05:53,754 --> 00:05:58,492 Structure's open till 9:00, right? 157 00:05:58,526 --> 00:06:01,429 But Deidre, the bylaws say 158 00:06:01,462 --> 00:06:04,197 nothing against the hilarious moo-box. 159 00:06:04,231 --> 00:06:07,034 You raise the udders up for outgoing mail. 160 00:06:07,067 --> 00:06:10,203 We seek to enforce the spirit of the bylaws in this HOA, 161 00:06:10,237 --> 00:06:13,373 so I'm sorry, Lisa, but my veto against your mailbox stands. 162 00:06:13,407 --> 00:06:16,009 [ Whispering ] Thank you for trying. 163 00:06:16,043 --> 00:06:17,578 [ Sighs ] 164 00:06:17,611 --> 00:06:18,846 Moving on to new business, I suppose. 165 00:06:18,879 --> 00:06:20,380 Thank you! 166 00:06:20,414 --> 00:06:22,015 Thank you for having me. 167 00:06:22,049 --> 00:06:24,585 Would love the recipe for those meatballs. 168 00:06:24,618 --> 00:06:27,755 -Oh, 1 cup diced onion -- -Written down. 169 00:06:27,788 --> 00:06:31,559 I'm here because of my new above-ground pool. 170 00:06:31,592 --> 00:06:34,061 I think that -- -Girl, it's okay. 171 00:06:34,094 --> 00:06:35,563 We're ready to vote on that. [ Chuckles ] 172 00:06:35,596 --> 00:06:37,631 Yes. Deidre. 173 00:06:37,665 --> 00:06:39,232 My girl. 174 00:06:39,266 --> 00:06:40,801 [ Chuckles ] 175 00:06:43,270 --> 00:06:45,439 All in favor of the Huangs' pool? 176 00:06:46,807 --> 00:06:47,675 All opposed? 177 00:06:49,843 --> 00:06:51,612 [ Clears throat ] 178 00:06:53,481 --> 00:06:54,815 Carol-Joan? 179 00:06:54,848 --> 00:06:56,049 Amanda? 180 00:06:56,083 --> 00:06:57,417 Meatball? 181 00:06:57,451 --> 00:06:58,385 Deidre? 182 00:06:58,418 --> 00:06:59,920 Sorry, girl. 183 00:06:59,953 --> 00:07:01,254 Above-ground pools are a real tack-fest. 184 00:07:01,288 --> 00:07:04,324 Well, not mine. Mine has faux wood paneling. 185 00:07:08,762 --> 00:07:09,963 I can't believe Deidre 186 00:07:09,997 --> 00:07:11,632 made everybody vote against my pool! 187 00:07:11,665 --> 00:07:12,966 She's not a genuine person. 188 00:07:13,000 --> 00:07:14,735 This is what I've been telling you. 189 00:07:14,768 --> 00:07:16,804 The worst part about Deidre 190 00:07:16,837 --> 00:07:19,673 is she is so quick to judge other people. 191 00:07:19,707 --> 00:07:21,441 Personally, I think she has 192 00:07:21,475 --> 00:07:23,644 a few judge-worthy secrets of her own. 193 00:07:23,677 --> 00:07:26,947 What secrets? 194 00:07:28,516 --> 00:07:31,251 We shouldn't be out here in the dark. 195 00:07:31,284 --> 00:07:33,020 Alligators roam at night. 196 00:07:33,053 --> 00:07:34,087 [ Rustling ] 197 00:07:34,121 --> 00:07:35,088 What was that? 198 00:07:35,122 --> 00:07:36,724 Shh. It's just a sprinkler. 199 00:07:39,392 --> 00:07:41,862 [ Gasps ] I knew it. 200 00:07:41,895 --> 00:07:42,930 Jessica, look. 201 00:07:42,963 --> 00:07:45,298 ** 202 00:07:46,466 --> 00:07:48,502 Whothat? 203 00:07:48,536 --> 00:07:51,171 [ Gasps ] 204 00:07:51,204 --> 00:07:52,640 Oh, my God. 205 00:07:52,673 --> 00:07:55,308 How could Deidre do that to Carol-Joan? 206 00:07:55,342 --> 00:07:56,610 She's her best friend. 207 00:07:56,644 --> 00:07:59,212 This is such a betrayal. 208 00:07:59,246 --> 00:08:00,848 We have to tell her. 209 00:08:00,881 --> 00:08:04,284 But we need proof or she'll never believe us. 210 00:08:04,317 --> 00:08:06,854 Marvin takes this on safari. 211 00:08:06,887 --> 00:08:09,557 [ Camera shutter clicking ] 212 00:08:19,767 --> 00:08:23,036 Your mom is doing some sort of fun investigation with Honey, 213 00:08:23,070 --> 00:08:24,471 so I swung by the mall 214 00:08:24,504 --> 00:08:27,407 and picked us up some dinner from Wolfgang Chang's. 215 00:08:27,440 --> 00:08:30,010 How can you act so normal after what happened today? 216 00:08:30,043 --> 00:08:31,845 I've never seen Emery so mad. 217 00:08:31,879 --> 00:08:33,480 Emery's had tantrums like that before. 218 00:08:33,513 --> 00:08:34,848 No, he hasn't. 219 00:08:34,882 --> 00:08:36,316 I once kicked him in the jumbles, 220 00:08:36,349 --> 00:08:38,151 and he just said, "Oh, well." 221 00:08:38,185 --> 00:08:41,188 He's always had a hard time expressing negative emotion. 222 00:08:41,221 --> 00:08:43,891 You were too young to remember, but when he was little, 223 00:08:43,924 --> 00:08:45,826 Emery would let stuff build and build 224 00:08:45,859 --> 00:08:48,395 and then explode at the smallest thing. 225 00:08:48,428 --> 00:08:50,097 And after it was over, 226 00:08:50,130 --> 00:08:52,065 he'd just go back to being his regular self. 227 00:08:52,099 --> 00:08:54,534 Hey, guys. What's for dinner? 228 00:08:54,568 --> 00:08:57,170 Oh, coming right up. [ Chuckles ] 229 00:08:57,204 --> 00:08:59,539 Hey, what happened, dude? 230 00:08:59,573 --> 00:09:01,508 You had a full-on meltdown in the pool. 231 00:09:01,541 --> 00:09:03,376 [ Chuckles ] Yeah. I guess I did. 232 00:09:03,410 --> 00:09:05,613 You got to start being more open with your feelings 233 00:09:05,646 --> 00:09:07,247 so you don't have outbursts like that. 234 00:09:07,280 --> 00:09:08,248 What do you mean? 235 00:09:08,281 --> 00:09:10,918 If something frustrates you, just say it. 236 00:09:10,951 --> 00:09:12,686 Like what do you really think 237 00:09:12,720 --> 00:09:15,122 about this Wolfgang Chang's whack-ass Chinese food? 238 00:09:15,155 --> 00:09:18,058 I guess it's kind of weird there's pepperoni in the shumai. 239 00:09:18,091 --> 00:09:19,693 Yes! Super weird! 240 00:09:19,727 --> 00:09:21,795 And how about how Evan always takes your blanket 241 00:09:21,829 --> 00:09:23,396 in the middle of the night? 242 00:09:23,430 --> 00:09:24,698 That is selfish of him. 243 00:09:24,732 --> 00:09:26,266 He has enough blankets. 244 00:09:26,299 --> 00:09:28,035 He has a million. 245 00:09:28,068 --> 00:09:30,570 Okay, now say something you've been holding in about me. 246 00:09:30,604 --> 00:09:32,539 I guess I think you're kind of a cheater. 247 00:09:32,572 --> 00:09:34,374 You cheated in that breath-holding contest. 248 00:09:34,407 --> 00:09:36,810 I did. I did cheat. 249 00:09:36,844 --> 00:09:37,911 And you know what else? 250 00:09:37,945 --> 00:09:39,379 You wouldn't have been able to cheat 251 00:09:39,412 --> 00:09:40,881 if Dad had been paying attention 252 00:09:40,914 --> 00:09:42,616 when he's supposed to be judging our contest. 253 00:09:42,650 --> 00:09:45,085 Who's ready for some General Tso's coleslaw? 254 00:09:45,118 --> 00:09:46,820 You're too old for that vest. 255 00:09:46,854 --> 00:09:49,589 Are you a football player at a post-game press conference? 256 00:09:49,623 --> 00:09:51,591 No. Then take it off! 257 00:09:51,625 --> 00:09:54,828 Thanks, Eddie. I feel good. 258 00:09:54,862 --> 00:09:56,096 Thanks for dinner, Dad. 259 00:10:02,435 --> 00:10:05,906 I just can't believe Deidre would do this to me. 260 00:10:05,939 --> 00:10:09,009 I mean, all these years, I thought she was my friend. 261 00:10:09,042 --> 00:10:12,512 But this entire time right under my nose, 262 00:10:12,545 --> 00:10:14,848 she's been wearing a wig. 263 00:10:22,890 --> 00:10:26,126 That's right. Deidre wears a wig. 264 00:10:26,159 --> 00:10:28,095 A wig of lies. 265 00:10:28,128 --> 00:10:31,298 You can thank Honey. She had a hunch. 266 00:10:31,331 --> 00:10:33,133 You don't spend four months doing makeup 267 00:10:33,166 --> 00:10:35,168 for the all-deaf cast of "Starlight Express" 268 00:10:35,202 --> 00:10:36,837 and not know a wig when you see one. 269 00:10:36,870 --> 00:10:40,107 All I ever wanted was shiny hair like hers. 270 00:10:40,140 --> 00:10:43,543 Do you know how much money I have spent on olive oil? 271 00:10:43,576 --> 00:10:46,346 I have adult acne around my hairline. 272 00:10:46,379 --> 00:10:47,214 You know what? 273 00:10:47,247 --> 00:10:49,282 I am not covering for her anymore. 274 00:10:49,316 --> 00:10:50,617 What do you mean? 275 00:10:50,650 --> 00:10:55,255 The wig isn't the only thing she's hiding. 276 00:11:01,829 --> 00:11:03,797 [ Indistinct conversations ] 277 00:11:03,831 --> 00:11:06,399 Settle, girls. Settle. 278 00:11:06,433 --> 00:11:08,035 Carol-Joan, the floor is yours. 279 00:11:08,068 --> 00:11:09,737 Yes, Carol-Joan. 280 00:11:09,770 --> 00:11:11,705 Do tell us why you dragged everyone to my house 281 00:11:11,739 --> 00:11:13,240 for this last-minute mystery meeting. 282 00:11:13,273 --> 00:11:14,674 Oh, my pleasure, Deidre. 283 00:11:17,711 --> 00:11:20,347 That's my backyard. So what? 284 00:11:20,380 --> 00:11:23,717 Oh. Let's go a little closer, shall we? 285 00:11:26,219 --> 00:11:27,254 What is that? 286 00:11:27,287 --> 00:11:28,521 Jessica, Honey. 287 00:11:28,555 --> 00:11:30,557 -Mojito? -Mojito? 288 00:11:30,590 --> 00:11:32,225 -Mojito? -Mojito? 289 00:11:32,259 --> 00:11:33,360 Mock-ito? 290 00:11:33,393 --> 00:11:34,828 Jessica: Mojito? 291 00:11:34,862 --> 00:11:37,497 Okay, this is silly. Everybody out! 292 00:11:37,530 --> 00:11:39,432 I hope you're all enjoying the mojitos I made 293 00:11:39,466 --> 00:11:40,834 with the fresh mint -- 294 00:11:40,868 --> 00:11:42,903 from Deidre's illegal herb garden! 295 00:11:44,404 --> 00:11:46,373 [ All gasp ] 296 00:11:46,406 --> 00:11:48,909 Herb gardens aren't permitted in this neighborhood. 297 00:11:48,942 --> 00:11:50,844 Any resident found in possession of one 298 00:11:50,878 --> 00:11:54,347 must be immediately expelled from the HOA. 299 00:11:54,381 --> 00:11:55,883 [ All gasp ] 300 00:11:55,916 --> 00:11:57,851 Come on, girls, be reasonable. 301 00:11:57,885 --> 00:12:00,020 It's just a silly herb garden. 302 00:12:00,053 --> 00:12:02,722 And mine was just a silly cow mailbox. 303 00:12:02,756 --> 00:12:05,258 I call for a new vote on old business. 304 00:12:05,292 --> 00:12:07,527 All those in favor of cow mailboxes 305 00:12:07,560 --> 00:12:10,297 and above-ground pools? 306 00:12:10,330 --> 00:12:12,099 [ Laughter ] 307 00:12:12,132 --> 00:12:13,300 Yes! 308 00:12:16,403 --> 00:12:17,938 Oh, and Deidre wears a wig. 309 00:12:17,971 --> 00:12:20,273 Honey: We knew that. 310 00:12:29,482 --> 00:12:31,785 Jessica doesn't suspect a thing. 311 00:12:34,521 --> 00:12:36,556 I don't want to get in trouble. 312 00:12:36,589 --> 00:12:37,991 You won't. 313 00:12:38,025 --> 00:12:41,261 Our plan worked perfectly. 314 00:12:41,294 --> 00:12:44,932 Your mom doesn't know I planted the idea of a pool in her head, 315 00:12:44,965 --> 00:12:47,134 knowing it would turn Deidre against her 316 00:12:47,167 --> 00:12:48,668 and lead to her downfall. 317 00:12:48,701 --> 00:12:50,971 [ Chuckles ] Poor Deidre. 318 00:12:51,004 --> 00:12:52,806 All alone. 319 00:12:52,840 --> 00:12:55,742 The whole neighborhood shunning her. 320 00:12:55,775 --> 00:12:57,945 Let's see how she likes it. 321 00:12:57,978 --> 00:13:02,315 She'll never disrespect the HOA bylaws again. 322 00:13:02,349 --> 00:13:04,284 I have to say I was surprised 323 00:13:04,317 --> 00:13:06,586 you wanted to take down Deidre, too. 324 00:13:06,619 --> 00:13:08,088 I thought you were friends. 325 00:13:08,121 --> 00:13:10,190 We power walk together, sure, 326 00:13:10,223 --> 00:13:11,791 but I can't be friends with someone 327 00:13:11,825 --> 00:13:14,327 who puts their own needs above the association. 328 00:13:14,361 --> 00:13:18,665 Whoa! You two are pulling the strings? 329 00:13:18,698 --> 00:13:21,268 What an unlikely alliance. 330 00:13:21,301 --> 00:13:23,036 Hot dog! Didn't see that one coming. 331 00:13:23,070 --> 00:13:23,703 [ Chuckles ] 332 00:13:29,309 --> 00:13:32,145 [ "Melrose Place" music plays ] 333 00:13:55,002 --> 00:13:56,069 [ Laughs ] 334 00:14:04,677 --> 00:14:08,181 Yo. You really hurt Dad's feelings. 335 00:14:08,215 --> 00:14:09,349 What are you talking about? 336 00:14:09,382 --> 00:14:10,918 You told him he was too old 337 00:14:10,951 --> 00:14:12,519 for that button-up tank top he got. 338 00:14:12,552 --> 00:14:14,487 He really loved that thing. 339 00:14:14,521 --> 00:14:15,722 You told me to do it. 340 00:14:15,755 --> 00:14:17,524 I said express your frustrations, 341 00:14:17,557 --> 00:14:19,526 not ruin a man's life. 342 00:14:19,559 --> 00:14:20,894 I was better off before. 343 00:14:20,928 --> 00:14:23,863 At least when I kept things in, I wasn't hurting anyone. 344 00:14:23,897 --> 00:14:25,832 I feel terrible. 345 00:14:25,865 --> 00:14:27,434 Emery, wait. 346 00:14:28,735 --> 00:14:30,570 Who's that bear from "The Jungle Book"? 347 00:14:30,603 --> 00:14:31,738 Baloo? 348 00:14:31,771 --> 00:14:34,908 Yeah. Baloo. 349 00:14:41,214 --> 00:14:43,250 Oh! 350 00:14:43,283 --> 00:14:44,384 Bond girl. 351 00:14:44,417 --> 00:14:45,953 Hello, Jessica. 352 00:14:45,986 --> 00:14:47,520 Deidre? 353 00:14:47,554 --> 00:14:49,722 How long have you been standing there? 354 00:14:49,756 --> 00:14:51,891 20, 30 minutes. 355 00:14:51,925 --> 00:14:53,560 Why are you wearing a black wig? 356 00:14:53,593 --> 00:14:55,528 Well, since Carol-Joan told everyone I wear one, 357 00:14:55,562 --> 00:14:57,797 I figured, why not change things up? 358 00:14:57,830 --> 00:15:00,733 Deidre, accept it. You lost. 359 00:15:00,767 --> 00:15:02,702 You're not a member of the HOA anymore 360 00:15:02,735 --> 00:15:04,571 and I get to keep my pool. 361 00:15:04,604 --> 00:15:07,274 [ Laughs ] 362 00:15:08,641 --> 00:15:11,111 Oh, poor Jessica. 363 00:15:11,144 --> 00:15:13,380 Poor, poor Jessica. 364 00:15:13,413 --> 00:15:17,150 Poor, poor, poor, poor... 365 00:15:17,184 --> 00:15:19,152 Sorry, I lost my train of thought. 366 00:15:19,186 --> 00:15:19,953 What was I saying? 367 00:15:19,987 --> 00:15:22,489 Oh, yes. 368 00:15:22,522 --> 00:15:24,124 Poor Jessica. 369 00:15:24,157 --> 00:15:27,294 You have no idea. 370 00:15:27,327 --> 00:15:28,996 No idea about what? 371 00:15:29,029 --> 00:15:30,663 You're getting played. 372 00:15:36,369 --> 00:15:38,471 I'm sorry, Dad. 373 00:15:38,505 --> 00:15:40,073 I didn't mean to hurt your feelings. 374 00:15:40,107 --> 00:15:44,011 It's okay, son. I know you weren't trying to. 375 00:15:44,044 --> 00:15:46,279 Don't worry. I'm never gonna open up like that again. 376 00:15:51,018 --> 00:15:52,952 [ Sighs ] 377 00:15:52,986 --> 00:15:55,989 I always want you to feel like you can be open with me, 378 00:15:56,023 --> 00:15:57,857 whether I like what you're saying or not. 379 00:15:59,392 --> 00:16:01,194 Although I'm surprised you got so upset 380 00:16:01,228 --> 00:16:02,929 in the pool in the first place. 381 00:16:02,962 --> 00:16:05,632 It's been a long time since you had one of your outbursts. 382 00:16:05,665 --> 00:16:07,567 Oh, yeah. Because I have my jars. 383 00:16:12,005 --> 00:16:14,007 My scream jars. 384 00:16:16,243 --> 00:16:17,277 Go on. 385 00:16:17,310 --> 00:16:18,378 Whenever I feel angry, 386 00:16:18,411 --> 00:16:19,712 I just come up to my room 387 00:16:19,746 --> 00:16:21,181 and scream into one of these jars. 388 00:16:21,214 --> 00:16:22,549 Like this. 389 00:16:24,084 --> 00:16:26,553 [ Screams ] 390 00:16:31,824 --> 00:16:34,127 I usually have one with me at all times, 391 00:16:34,161 --> 00:16:37,497 but my travel jar couldn't fit in the pocket of my swim trunks. 392 00:16:37,530 --> 00:16:40,233 [ Sighs ] Son, I'm gonna level with you. 393 00:16:40,267 --> 00:16:42,969 This is...strange. 394 00:16:43,002 --> 00:16:46,839 Like, I-don't-want-to-tell- your-mother strange. 395 00:16:46,873 --> 00:16:50,043 Let's come up with a better way to channel your energies, 396 00:16:50,077 --> 00:16:52,545 a way we're okay with other people knowing about. 397 00:16:52,579 --> 00:16:54,047 Mm-hmm. 398 00:16:54,081 --> 00:16:56,316 [ Laughing ] 399 00:16:56,349 --> 00:16:58,318 Yee-haw! [ Groans ] 400 00:16:58,351 --> 00:17:01,321 [ Laughs ] 401 00:17:01,354 --> 00:17:03,656 That was fun. 402 00:17:03,690 --> 00:17:07,394 Hey. I'm here for the pool party. 403 00:17:07,427 --> 00:17:08,261 I brought crab dip. 404 00:17:08,295 --> 00:17:09,429 I know. 405 00:17:10,863 --> 00:17:12,432 I know you've both been playing me. 406 00:17:12,465 --> 00:17:15,001 There is no "pool party." 407 00:17:15,034 --> 00:17:17,070 [ "Melrose Place" music plays ] 408 00:17:19,706 --> 00:17:21,908 How did you find out? 409 00:17:21,941 --> 00:17:25,112 Here's a fun twist. Deidre told me. 410 00:17:25,145 --> 00:17:28,681 I was about to go for a swim when Deidre stopped by. 411 00:17:28,715 --> 00:17:30,283 She looked fantastic. 412 00:17:30,317 --> 00:17:32,385 Cannot get her out of my head. 413 00:17:32,419 --> 00:17:35,588 She told me she'd been handling the HOA rejection well, 414 00:17:35,622 --> 00:17:38,658 until she noticed she was out of kitty litter. 415 00:17:41,394 --> 00:17:42,929 Always calm in a crisis, 416 00:17:42,962 --> 00:17:45,598 Deidre reached for some scrap paper 417 00:17:45,632 --> 00:17:47,934 she didn't mind getting cat poop on. 418 00:17:50,170 --> 00:17:52,272 That's when she saw it. 419 00:17:58,511 --> 00:18:00,613 Meow. 420 00:18:00,647 --> 00:18:04,617 Herb gardens installed before August 1988 421 00:18:04,651 --> 00:18:06,586 are grandfathered in, 422 00:18:06,619 --> 00:18:10,490 and therefore permitted under HOA bylaws. 423 00:18:10,523 --> 00:18:12,959 Deidre's was planted in '87, 424 00:18:12,992 --> 00:18:15,828 but you already knew that, didn't you -- 425 00:18:15,862 --> 00:18:17,063 Evan? 426 00:18:17,096 --> 00:18:18,431 [ "Melrose Place" music plays ] 427 00:18:20,800 --> 00:18:22,769 Let him go! 428 00:18:22,802 --> 00:18:24,637 He's afraid to cross the street by himself. 429 00:18:27,640 --> 00:18:29,642 [ Sighs ] 430 00:18:29,676 --> 00:18:31,911 This whole time I thought 431 00:18:31,944 --> 00:18:35,915 I was the queen controlling the chess board. 432 00:18:35,948 --> 00:18:39,752 Turns out I was just a pawn in your little game. 433 00:18:39,786 --> 00:18:42,355 I am so sorry, Jessica. 434 00:18:42,389 --> 00:18:46,526 For what? [ Laughs ] This was amazing! 435 00:18:46,559 --> 00:18:48,828 It was like real-life "Melrose Place," 436 00:18:48,861 --> 00:18:52,499 but even better because I was in it. 437 00:18:52,532 --> 00:18:54,767 "Jessica Place." 438 00:18:54,801 --> 00:18:57,937 Tell me why you did it so I can be shocked. 439 00:18:57,970 --> 00:19:00,640 I couldn't stand that you were friends with Deidre. 440 00:19:01,908 --> 00:19:04,677 I've seen what those women have to say when I'm in the room, 441 00:19:04,711 --> 00:19:08,147 and I can't imagine what they say when I'm not. 442 00:19:08,181 --> 00:19:11,050 I didn't want them to turn you against me. 443 00:19:11,083 --> 00:19:15,688 This neighborhood was unbearable for me before you got here, 444 00:19:15,722 --> 00:19:17,957 and I don't want to lose you. 445 00:19:17,990 --> 00:19:21,328 Honey, I promise you, that will never happen. 446 00:19:22,429 --> 00:19:24,531 I got your back, girl. 447 00:19:24,564 --> 00:19:27,800 Aww. 448 00:19:27,834 --> 00:19:29,236 Evan: Mm! 449 00:19:29,269 --> 00:19:31,704 It was all Honey's idea. 450 00:19:34,907 --> 00:19:36,376 Absolutely anytime. 451 00:19:36,409 --> 00:19:37,844 [ Clears throat ] 452 00:19:37,877 --> 00:19:41,481 I'm sorry I lied about the olive oil. 453 00:19:41,514 --> 00:19:43,650 You always admired my hair so much, 454 00:19:43,683 --> 00:19:46,018 I had a hard time telling you it was a wig. 455 00:19:46,052 --> 00:19:49,556 It's a really good wig. 456 00:19:49,589 --> 00:19:51,224 [ Chuckles ] 457 00:19:52,892 --> 00:19:53,860 What are you doing here? 458 00:19:53,893 --> 00:19:55,328 You don't come to these meetings. 459 00:19:55,362 --> 00:19:56,529 I've always wanted to take 460 00:19:56,563 --> 00:19:58,164 a more active role in the community, 461 00:19:58,197 --> 00:19:59,866 but I never have because of you. 462 00:19:59,899 --> 00:20:03,169 I'm not gonna let you make me feel uncomfortable anymore. 463 00:20:03,202 --> 00:20:06,205 You know, I get why you did what you did to me. 464 00:20:06,239 --> 00:20:08,408 Out of loyalty to your friend. 465 00:20:08,441 --> 00:20:10,910 Same reason I'm so bitchy to you. 466 00:20:10,943 --> 00:20:12,211 For Sarah. 467 00:20:12,245 --> 00:20:14,013 Who is Sarah? 468 00:20:14,046 --> 00:20:16,916 Marvin's ex-wife. My best friend. 469 00:20:16,949 --> 00:20:18,685 Oh, right. 470 00:20:18,718 --> 00:20:20,253 Mm. 471 00:20:20,287 --> 00:20:21,888 Deidre... 472 00:20:21,921 --> 00:20:24,291 Evan has something he'd like to tell you. 473 00:20:24,324 --> 00:20:26,593 I'm sorry I got you expelled from the HOA. 474 00:20:26,626 --> 00:20:28,295 Thank you, Evan. 475 00:20:28,328 --> 00:20:29,429 Can we keep our pool? 476 00:20:29,462 --> 00:20:30,563 Probably not. 477 00:20:30,597 --> 00:20:32,299 Can Lisa keep her moo-box? 478 00:20:35,968 --> 00:20:37,270 Fine. 479 00:20:38,671 --> 00:20:41,140 [ Chuckles evilly ] 480 00:20:41,173 --> 00:20:44,277 It was all for the moo-box. 481 00:20:44,311 --> 00:20:46,446 [ Laughs ] 482 00:20:46,479 --> 00:20:47,914 I love this show. 483 00:20:47,947 --> 00:20:50,783 Me too. You never know what's coming. 484 00:20:50,817 --> 00:20:53,119 I'm Anne, by the way. Just moved in down the street. 485 00:20:53,152 --> 00:20:56,155 Honey! This new one's making her move! 486 00:20:56,188 --> 00:20:57,624 That's a wig. 487 00:20:57,657 --> 00:20:58,825 Wha-- ? 488 00:21:05,765 --> 00:21:07,900 I see now why they don't allow those. 489 00:21:07,934 --> 00:21:10,637 We just need to find a healthier outlet for your emotions. 490 00:21:10,670 --> 00:21:12,305 Thank you. That's exactly what I've been saying. 491 00:21:12,339 --> 00:21:15,074 Yeah, a few vigorous laps in the pool will -- 492 00:21:15,107 --> 00:21:16,275 What happened to the pool?! 493 00:21:16,309 --> 00:21:18,578 The HOA voted against it. 494 00:21:18,611 --> 00:21:21,314 Turns out a lot of people thought it was tacky. 495 00:21:21,348 --> 00:21:23,049 Like that vest you had. 496 00:21:25,452 --> 00:21:26,786 Do you want me to get you a jar, Dad? 497 00:21:26,819 --> 00:21:28,355 I know where they are!