1 00:00:04,072 --> 00:00:05,973 Hey, ladies. Uh, welcome. 2 00:00:06,006 --> 00:00:07,808 I'm Sam. How can I help? 3 00:00:07,841 --> 00:00:10,311 That's not his real name. I worked in a furniture store. 4 00:00:10,344 --> 00:00:12,480 Salesmen pay for their kids' college with lies. 5 00:00:12,513 --> 00:00:14,148 I can't have kids. Lie. 6 00:00:14,182 --> 00:00:16,184 (inhales sharply) Okay, Sam, 7 00:00:16,217 --> 00:00:19,153 we're looking for a recliner for my mother-in-law. 8 00:00:19,187 --> 00:00:21,989 Oh. Uh, over here's our Branson G-7. That's a lie. 9 00:00:22,022 --> 00:00:24,192 Uh, very popular with bachelors... Lie. 10 00:00:24,225 --> 00:00:25,259 ...and newlyweds. Lie. 11 00:00:25,293 --> 00:00:27,095 Also comes in corduroy. Another lie. 12 00:00:28,462 --> 00:00:30,030 Hey, Eddie, look. A love seat. 13 00:00:31,199 --> 00:00:33,834 You should get one for Alison now that you two are... 14 00:00:33,867 --> 00:00:35,236 (imitates kissing) (laughs) 15 00:00:35,269 --> 00:00:36,837 What are they talking about? 16 00:00:36,870 --> 00:00:39,407 Nothing -- just dumb-wads being dumb. 17 00:00:39,440 --> 00:00:41,609 He and Alison are smooching. 18 00:00:41,642 --> 00:00:43,244 With their lips! 19 00:00:43,277 --> 00:00:44,578 (smooching) 20 00:00:46,280 --> 00:00:49,217 You kissed Alison? Why didn't you tell me? 21 00:00:49,250 --> 00:00:50,718 N-- (sighs) I don't know. 22 00:00:50,751 --> 00:00:51,885 It wasn't a big deal. 23 00:00:51,919 --> 00:00:53,954 Yeah. No, it's cool. (chuckles) 24 00:00:53,987 --> 00:00:57,391 I don't tell you every time I kiss your mom, so I get it. 25 00:00:57,425 --> 00:00:58,892 Twice this week, by the way. 26 00:01:03,997 --> 00:01:06,734 The D1. Good taste, and it's affordable. 27 00:01:06,767 --> 00:01:08,902 $300 plus the $75 handling fee. 28 00:01:08,936 --> 00:01:10,438 I'll handle it myself. 29 00:01:10,471 --> 00:01:12,706 That's the cost of getting it here from our factory in Georgia. 30 00:01:12,740 --> 00:01:15,476 The only way to avoid that fee is to go there and pick it up. 31 00:01:15,509 --> 00:01:17,611 Well, with gas mileage, 32 00:01:17,645 --> 00:01:21,048 plus wear-and-tear on the car, minus food, 33 00:01:21,081 --> 00:01:24,585 I'd still save over $20 if I went and picked it up myself. 34 00:01:24,618 --> 00:01:26,487 Uh, yeah, I guess, you know, technically, 35 00:01:26,520 --> 00:01:28,822 but, uh, (scoffs) it's not worth the trip to Georgia. 36 00:01:28,856 --> 00:01:29,923 So you're telling me 37 00:01:29,957 --> 00:01:31,825 if you saw a $20 bill on the street, 38 00:01:31,859 --> 00:01:33,093 you wouldn't pick it up? 39 00:01:33,127 --> 00:01:35,396 No, I -- I would. 40 00:01:35,429 --> 00:01:37,165 I ate a cinnamon hot ball off the ground this morning. 41 00:01:37,198 --> 00:01:38,566 Finally, the truth. 42 00:01:38,599 --> 00:01:41,101 Plus I love organizing road trips. 43 00:01:41,135 --> 00:01:43,737 They are the ultimate test of efficiency and cunning. 44 00:01:43,771 --> 00:01:46,440 I'm in. I love road trips, too -- 45 00:01:46,474 --> 00:01:50,778 Snacks, radio, hanging a towel in the window to block the sun. 46 00:01:50,811 --> 00:01:52,780 We're also in. 47 00:01:52,813 --> 00:01:54,482 The World's Largest Peanut is in Georgia. 48 00:01:54,515 --> 00:01:56,116 Disney Adventures magazine 49 00:01:56,150 --> 00:01:57,718 called it "Worth pulling over for." 50 00:02:06,227 --> 00:02:07,428 We're going on a road trip! 51 00:02:07,461 --> 00:02:09,530 Three times. 52 00:02:09,563 --> 00:02:11,031 (chuckles) (sighs) 53 00:02:13,534 --> 00:02:14,668 * Fresh off the boat 54 00:02:14,702 --> 00:02:16,370 * I'm gettin' mine everywhere I go * 55 00:02:16,404 --> 00:02:18,606 * If you don't know, homey, now you know * 56 00:02:18,639 --> 00:02:19,940 * Fresh off the boat 57 00:02:19,973 --> 00:02:22,210 * Homey, you don't know where I come from * 58 00:02:22,243 --> 00:02:23,677 * But I know where I'm goin' 59 00:02:23,711 --> 00:02:26,547 * I'm fresh off the boat 60 00:02:26,580 --> 00:02:27,815 We'll pick up Emery and Evan from school 61 00:02:27,848 --> 00:02:29,116 and hit the road from there. 62 00:02:29,149 --> 00:02:30,318 Perfect. 63 00:02:30,351 --> 00:02:31,385 I baked us some brownies, 64 00:02:31,419 --> 00:02:33,120 and I grabbed some sodas. 65 00:02:33,153 --> 00:02:34,322 Bottles -- smart. 66 00:02:34,355 --> 00:02:36,290 This will mean six less bathroom trips for the boys. 67 00:02:36,324 --> 00:02:37,525 (chuckles) 68 00:02:37,558 --> 00:02:39,293 Jessica, do you think that's enough food for the weekend? 69 00:02:39,327 --> 00:02:41,462 Oh, we'll also get discount fruit from road stands. 70 00:02:41,495 --> 00:02:42,996 It's much cheaper than city fruit. 71 00:02:43,030 --> 00:02:45,699 Wow. You really are the master of road trips. 72 00:02:45,733 --> 00:02:48,168 Someone has to be. 73 00:02:48,202 --> 00:02:50,704 Hey, bachelor! (both chuckle) 74 00:02:50,738 --> 00:02:52,640 Hey, what do you got planned for the weekend? 75 00:02:52,673 --> 00:02:53,907 Oh, I got a pile of squirrel kills 76 00:02:53,941 --> 00:02:56,544 I've been meaning to taxidermy if you want a fur fix. 77 00:02:56,577 --> 00:02:57,978 Oh, I'd love to, but I thought it would be good 78 00:02:58,011 --> 00:02:59,813 for Eddie and I to have a guys' weekend. 79 00:02:59,847 --> 00:03:01,682 (both chuckle) 80 00:03:01,715 --> 00:03:03,251 Yeah, we haven't been talking much, 81 00:03:03,284 --> 00:03:05,253 so we're gonna hang out, just the two of us -- 82 00:03:05,286 --> 00:03:06,820 eat pizzas, hit the driving range, 83 00:03:06,854 --> 00:03:08,222 watch "Police Academy" movies. 84 00:03:08,256 --> 00:03:10,858 Ah. I remember I had a guys' weekend 85 00:03:10,891 --> 00:03:13,527 with my father, Marvin Sr. 86 00:03:13,561 --> 00:03:16,163 He paid an angel to make me a man. 87 00:03:16,196 --> 00:03:17,231 Oh. 88 00:03:17,265 --> 00:03:20,200 Um, my dad didn't believe in weekends. 89 00:03:20,234 --> 00:03:22,370 The most we ever bonded was the one time he told me 90 00:03:22,403 --> 00:03:24,705 I did a good job carrying soup to the table. 91 00:03:24,738 --> 00:03:27,675 (laughs) (engine starts) 92 00:03:27,708 --> 00:03:29,176 Hey! Don't I get a kiss goodbye? 93 00:03:29,209 --> 00:03:30,878 Oh, the engine's already running. 94 00:03:30,911 --> 00:03:32,380 It would waste gas to get out now. 95 00:03:32,413 --> 00:03:33,947 I'll say goodbye when I get back. 96 00:03:33,981 --> 00:03:36,684 (chuckles) 97 00:03:36,717 --> 00:03:39,019 (school bell rings) 98 00:03:39,052 --> 00:03:40,521 Anyone up for bowling this weekend? 99 00:03:40,554 --> 00:03:42,556 Can we use bumpers? Hell, yeah. 100 00:03:42,590 --> 00:03:44,958 I'm out. I got a guys' weekend planned with my dad. 101 00:03:44,992 --> 00:03:47,361 Oh, cool. I do that with my dad, too. 102 00:03:47,395 --> 00:03:48,896 We're just in different cities when we do it. 103 00:03:48,929 --> 00:03:51,932 I think it'll be pretty cool -- Sit around in our underwear, 104 00:03:51,965 --> 00:03:54,468 eating take-out, not brushing our teeth. 105 00:03:54,502 --> 00:03:55,769 Sounds amazing. 106 00:03:55,803 --> 00:03:57,638 I'm stuck at home with my four sisters. 107 00:03:57,671 --> 00:04:00,474 Crying, slapping, door slamming -- 108 00:04:00,508 --> 00:04:02,310 (sighs) I'm just trying to watch "Seinfeld." 109 00:04:02,343 --> 00:04:04,612 You guys want to come over to my house this weekend? 110 00:04:04,645 --> 00:04:06,046 Yes! 111 00:04:06,079 --> 00:04:08,048 I mean, are you sure it's cool with your dad? 112 00:04:08,081 --> 00:04:10,217 Of course! Guys' weekend. 113 00:04:10,250 --> 00:04:13,053 ALL: Guys' weekend. 114 00:04:13,086 --> 00:04:15,723 ** 115 00:04:15,756 --> 00:04:17,658 I spy with my little eye s-- 116 00:04:17,691 --> 00:04:19,059 The freckle on my chin. 117 00:04:19,092 --> 00:04:20,761 Mommy, you win again! 118 00:04:20,794 --> 00:04:22,596 (scoffs) Wow, Jessica. 119 00:04:22,630 --> 00:04:24,798 He didn't even get the clue out that time. 120 00:04:24,832 --> 00:04:26,166 I'd make a great spy. 121 00:04:26,199 --> 00:04:28,068 I spy what you're gonna spy before you even spy it. 122 00:04:28,101 --> 00:04:29,937 (chuckles) This is so fun. 123 00:04:29,970 --> 00:04:32,239 Oh! 124 00:04:32,272 --> 00:04:33,907 (truck horn honks) (screams) 125 00:04:33,941 --> 00:04:35,809 What the hell was that?! 126 00:04:35,843 --> 00:04:37,611 I -- I got him to honk. 127 00:04:37,645 --> 00:04:39,313 (chuckles) You know... 128 00:04:39,347 --> 00:04:40,414 (trunk horn honks) 129 00:04:40,448 --> 00:04:42,350 Ah! 130 00:04:42,383 --> 00:04:44,585 Mom, look, the cheap gas station is up ahead. 131 00:04:44,618 --> 00:04:46,787 They give you a free lighter if you pay with cash. 132 00:04:46,820 --> 00:04:48,789 Oh. (breathing heavily) 133 00:04:48,822 --> 00:04:51,392 Honey's horn game almost made me miss it. 134 00:04:52,326 --> 00:04:54,962 I spy some good boys. 135 00:04:54,995 --> 00:04:58,231 ** 136 00:05:01,301 --> 00:05:04,638 (door opens, closes) 137 00:05:04,672 --> 00:05:06,707 What in hot ham was that? 138 00:05:06,740 --> 00:05:09,109 You almost blew the whole trip. 139 00:05:09,142 --> 00:05:10,310 What are you talking about? 140 00:05:10,344 --> 00:05:12,946 You have to be very careful with Mom on road trips. 141 00:05:12,980 --> 00:05:14,782 She's great if things go her way, 142 00:05:14,815 --> 00:05:17,050 but as soon as something happens she doesn't like -- 143 00:05:17,084 --> 00:05:19,787 She turns into... a road grump. 144 00:05:19,820 --> 00:05:20,954 A "road grump"? 145 00:05:20,988 --> 00:05:22,556 There's several warning stages -- 146 00:05:22,590 --> 00:05:24,157 squeezing the wheel... Muttering. 147 00:05:24,191 --> 00:05:25,393 ...screaming at cars. 148 00:05:25,426 --> 00:05:28,328 And finally, speaking only in Mandarin. 149 00:05:28,362 --> 00:05:30,864 If that happens, forget it. 150 00:05:30,898 --> 00:05:33,000 She's in Grumpville. Trip over. 151 00:05:33,033 --> 00:05:35,035 That's why we missed the World's Largest Peanut 152 00:05:35,068 --> 00:05:36,837 when we drove from D.C. to Orlando. 153 00:05:36,870 --> 00:05:38,739 Eddie kept asking, "How much longer?" 154 00:05:38,772 --> 00:05:40,007 and Mom lost it. 155 00:05:40,040 --> 00:05:41,141 C'est fini. 156 00:05:41,174 --> 00:05:43,010 Well, if that's true, why are you going 157 00:05:43,043 --> 00:05:44,512 on another road trip with her? 158 00:05:44,545 --> 00:05:46,814 Because we all got things we can't explain, 159 00:05:46,847 --> 00:05:49,249 and ours is seeing that big peanut, okay? 160 00:05:49,282 --> 00:05:50,418 And this time, we're prepared. 161 00:05:50,451 --> 00:05:53,754 We've got mix tapes, Boggle, a book of funny limericks. 162 00:05:53,787 --> 00:05:57,591 And I've got my Jodie Foster impression locked and loaded. 163 00:05:57,625 --> 00:05:58,826 Hmm. 164 00:05:58,859 --> 00:06:01,361 (thuds, squeegee squeaks) 165 00:06:01,395 --> 00:06:05,032 ** 166 00:06:05,065 --> 00:06:06,400 When can I stop smiling? 167 00:06:06,434 --> 00:06:07,601 You can't. 168 00:06:09,470 --> 00:06:10,538 (video game plays) 169 00:06:10,571 --> 00:06:12,172 * Ba ba-ba-ba ba 170 00:06:12,205 --> 00:06:13,407 * Ba ba-ba-ba 171 00:06:13,441 --> 00:06:15,175 * Everybody 'za now, 'za * 172 00:06:15,208 --> 00:06:16,043 Hey, Dad. 173 00:06:16,076 --> 00:06:19,012 Oh, hey...dudes. 174 00:06:19,046 --> 00:06:20,213 Hey, Mr. Huang. Hey. Hey. 175 00:06:20,247 --> 00:06:21,348 What's going on? 176 00:06:21,381 --> 00:06:22,950 Well, I was bragging about our guys' weekend 177 00:06:22,983 --> 00:06:26,720 and these fools got jealous, so I invited them to join. 178 00:06:26,754 --> 00:06:29,256 Um, but, Eddie, the driving range at the club 179 00:06:29,289 --> 00:06:31,058 might not be able to accommodate such a big group. 180 00:06:31,091 --> 00:06:32,726 I'm sure it'll be fine. 181 00:06:32,760 --> 00:06:35,295 Yeah, Eddie can just go all Mr. Fruzetti on them and they'll cave. 182 00:06:35,328 --> 00:06:36,930 (laughter) I don't get it. 183 00:06:36,964 --> 00:06:38,899 Mr. Fruzetti's our science teacher, 184 00:06:38,932 --> 00:06:40,367 and whenever he gets frustrated, 185 00:06:40,400 --> 00:06:41,869 he starts to spit when he talks, 186 00:06:41,902 --> 00:06:43,704 so people just give in 'cause they don't want to get wet. 187 00:06:43,737 --> 00:06:45,939 (imitates Mr. Fruzetti) "Eddie, don't sthquirt that. 188 00:06:45,973 --> 00:06:47,908 It's full of sthodium sthulfide." 189 00:06:47,941 --> 00:06:49,743 (laughter) 190 00:06:49,777 --> 00:06:51,612 (laughs) That's funny. 191 00:06:51,645 --> 00:06:53,013 You never told me that before. 192 00:06:54,682 --> 00:06:56,416 Okay. 193 00:06:56,450 --> 00:06:58,619 Guys' weekend, king-sized edition -- 194 00:06:58,652 --> 00:06:59,920 I'll order extra pizzas. 195 00:06:59,953 --> 00:07:01,589 Yes! (laughs) 196 00:07:02,790 --> 00:07:03,891 Hey, Trent! 197 00:07:03,924 --> 00:07:05,926 Get the hell in here, you orange bastard, 198 00:07:05,959 --> 00:07:07,427 before I Fruzetti all over you. 199 00:07:07,461 --> 00:07:08,462 (laughs) 200 00:07:08,496 --> 00:07:09,563 Hi, Mr. Huang. 201 00:07:09,597 --> 00:07:11,699 (laughs) All right. 202 00:07:14,635 --> 00:07:15,903 Sorry I was late. 203 00:07:15,936 --> 00:07:17,638 I was just picking up some beer. 204 00:07:17,671 --> 00:07:18,639 (dramatic music) 205 00:07:18,672 --> 00:07:21,074 ALL: Whoa! 206 00:07:21,108 --> 00:07:23,143 How quickly can we get rid of your dad? 207 00:07:29,683 --> 00:07:31,652 You got actual beer?! 208 00:07:31,685 --> 00:07:32,953 The magician! How did you do it? 209 00:07:32,986 --> 00:07:34,354 My older sister was -- 210 00:07:34,387 --> 00:07:36,289 Trish, 25, attended Rutgers. 211 00:07:36,323 --> 00:07:37,791 ...was getting beer for a party, 212 00:07:37,825 --> 00:07:39,459 and I caught her in a rare good mood. 213 00:07:39,493 --> 00:07:41,328 And she just bought it for you, just like that? 214 00:07:41,361 --> 00:07:43,764 I had to give her all my savings -- 60 bucks -- 215 00:07:43,797 --> 00:07:46,433 and promise not to talk or sing around her for a year. 216 00:07:46,466 --> 00:07:47,835 But you love to sing. 217 00:07:47,868 --> 00:07:49,169 (sighs) I know. 218 00:07:49,202 --> 00:07:51,104 And you're sure it's not that non-alcoholic 219 00:07:51,138 --> 00:07:52,372 Sailor Boy stuff, right? 220 00:07:52,405 --> 00:07:54,942 Nope. It's an India Pale Ale. 221 00:07:54,975 --> 00:07:57,044 Damn, son. That's imported. 222 00:07:57,077 --> 00:07:58,378 Look, my sister... 223 00:07:58,411 --> 00:08:00,814 Teaches swim lessons, goes to work in a bathing suit. 224 00:08:00,848 --> 00:08:02,850 ...said she was never doing this again. 225 00:08:02,883 --> 00:08:05,285 We got a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. 226 00:08:05,318 --> 00:08:06,520 We can't just waste it. 227 00:08:06,554 --> 00:08:07,621 That's for sure. 228 00:08:07,655 --> 00:08:09,523 Hey, boys. 229 00:08:09,557 --> 00:08:11,058 Who wants to learn poker? 230 00:08:11,091 --> 00:08:13,160 ** 231 00:08:16,329 --> 00:08:22,069 * Your love is better than ice cream * 232 00:08:22,102 --> 00:08:26,640 * Everyone here knows how to fly * 233 00:08:26,674 --> 00:08:30,010 * Do, do, do-do do 234 00:08:32,212 --> 00:08:33,981 (inhales sharply) 235 00:08:34,014 --> 00:08:35,916 (song restarts) Again? 236 00:08:35,949 --> 00:08:38,752 Is this mix tape just "Ice Cream" over and over? 237 00:08:40,754 --> 00:08:42,522 Mommy loves this song, Honey. 238 00:08:42,556 --> 00:08:45,726 Yes, Honey. You can never have too much of a good thing. 239 00:08:45,759 --> 00:08:48,361 (exhales sharply) 240 00:08:48,395 --> 00:08:50,230 (brakes squeal) 241 00:08:50,263 --> 00:08:52,532 (horns honk) (sighs) 242 00:08:52,566 --> 00:08:54,034 (music stops) 243 00:08:54,067 --> 00:08:55,603 So much traffic. 244 00:08:55,636 --> 00:08:58,338 People need to learn how to drive. 245 00:08:58,371 --> 00:09:00,674 Someone better be dead. 246 00:09:00,708 --> 00:09:02,242 It looks like all old people. 247 00:09:02,275 --> 00:09:05,012 Snowbirds, heading north now that winter's over. 248 00:09:05,045 --> 00:09:06,580 Maybe they would get there faster 249 00:09:06,614 --> 00:09:09,650 if they could see over the steering wheel! 250 00:09:11,484 --> 00:09:13,353 (whispers) Stage three -- yelling at cars. 251 00:09:13,386 --> 00:09:14,955 (whispers) Quick, do your impression. 252 00:09:16,423 --> 00:09:18,558 (as Clarice Starling) You see a lot, Dr. Lecter. 253 00:09:18,592 --> 00:09:20,961 But are you strong enough to point 254 00:09:20,994 --> 00:09:24,932 that high-powered perception at yourself? 255 00:09:24,965 --> 00:09:26,299 (sighs) 256 00:09:29,102 --> 00:09:30,470 (horns honking) 257 00:09:30,503 --> 00:09:32,539 Uh... 258 00:09:32,572 --> 00:09:35,042 (gasps) Oh, what if we stop for ice cream 259 00:09:35,075 --> 00:09:36,744 while we wait for traffic to clear. 260 00:09:36,777 --> 00:09:38,779 You know, ice cream like the song? 261 00:09:38,812 --> 00:09:41,214 I'll pay so it doesn't cut into your chair savings. 262 00:09:41,248 --> 00:09:42,616 Oh, that's a good idea. 263 00:09:42,650 --> 00:09:44,451 That's more efficient than wasting gas 264 00:09:44,484 --> 00:09:46,286 sitting in traffic. 265 00:09:46,319 --> 00:09:48,989 These skeletons will clear out once the sun sets. 266 00:09:49,022 --> 00:09:50,323 The old hate the dark. 267 00:09:50,357 --> 00:09:51,892 (turn signal clicking) 268 00:09:51,925 --> 00:09:54,494 ** 269 00:09:54,527 --> 00:09:56,163 All right, boys. Take your time. 270 00:09:56,196 --> 00:09:57,597 There's no clock in poker. 271 00:09:57,631 --> 00:09:59,232 Check your cards, read your opponents, 272 00:09:59,266 --> 00:10:01,134 formulate your strategies. 273 00:10:01,168 --> 00:10:03,136 ALL: All in. 274 00:10:03,170 --> 00:10:04,437 You sure? 275 00:10:04,471 --> 00:10:05,773 ALL: We're sure. 276 00:10:05,806 --> 00:10:09,076 Oh! Trying to push the big cat around, huh? 277 00:10:09,109 --> 00:10:11,645 Well, the only thing I fold is laundry. 278 00:10:11,679 --> 00:10:13,346 I'll pay to see 'em. 279 00:10:15,115 --> 00:10:17,484 (sighs) Well, looks like you win again, Dad. 280 00:10:17,517 --> 00:10:19,086 Game over. We're out of money. 281 00:10:19,119 --> 00:10:20,253 Oh, no, no, no, no. 282 00:10:20,287 --> 00:10:22,122 We'll consider it another practice round. 283 00:10:22,155 --> 00:10:23,123 (chuckles) (sighs) 284 00:10:23,156 --> 00:10:25,592 Now, again, don't go all in 285 00:10:25,625 --> 00:10:27,360 unless you've got the cards, okay? 286 00:10:27,394 --> 00:10:29,196 Leave the bluffing to the experts. 287 00:10:29,229 --> 00:10:30,764 (chuckles) 288 00:10:30,798 --> 00:10:33,801 Man, I'm getting tired. 289 00:10:35,468 --> 00:10:38,371 Me, too. Brutal week. 290 00:10:38,405 --> 00:10:39,973 I'm feeling my age. 291 00:10:40,007 --> 00:10:41,274 (both yawn) 292 00:10:41,308 --> 00:10:43,143 Maybe we should call it a night. 293 00:10:43,176 --> 00:10:45,278 It's only 5:00. It's still light out. 294 00:10:45,312 --> 00:10:47,314 We've got hours of "Police Academys" to watch. 295 00:10:47,347 --> 00:10:49,883 We got the entire weekend, Dad. 296 00:10:49,917 --> 00:10:51,719 Don't want to burn us out the first night. 297 00:10:51,752 --> 00:10:54,087 Got to be fresh for the driving range in the morning, right? 298 00:10:55,555 --> 00:10:58,058 Well, I guess I can't argue with that. 299 00:10:58,091 --> 00:10:59,459 (chuckles) Good night, fellas. 300 00:10:59,492 --> 00:11:00,460 ALL: Good night! 301 00:11:00,493 --> 00:11:01,594 Good night. (chuckles) 302 00:11:12,005 --> 00:11:13,406 Kitty, kitty, kitty. 303 00:11:13,440 --> 00:11:15,242 (both chuckle) 304 00:11:15,275 --> 00:11:16,343 All right. 305 00:11:16,376 --> 00:11:18,779 I'm so amped to party. 306 00:11:20,447 --> 00:11:22,215 It's lukewarm. 307 00:11:22,249 --> 00:11:24,051 Who's gonna take the first sip? 308 00:11:25,953 --> 00:11:27,587 I'll do it. 309 00:11:37,230 --> 00:11:38,766 How is it? 310 00:11:38,799 --> 00:11:40,667 Can you taste the hops? Are you drunk? 311 00:11:40,700 --> 00:11:44,204 I don't know. I definitely feel weird. 312 00:11:45,205 --> 00:11:47,074 He's buzzin'. Oh, my God. He's buzzin'. 313 00:11:47,107 --> 00:11:49,777 Do girls look more attractive? 314 00:11:52,412 --> 00:11:54,681 That was some quick thinking back there. 315 00:11:54,714 --> 00:11:56,049 You really saved us. 316 00:11:56,083 --> 00:11:58,618 Yeah, we were seconds away from hearing Mandarin swears. 317 00:11:58,651 --> 00:12:00,754 Hey, your "Ice Cream" mix gave me the idea, 318 00:12:00,788 --> 00:12:02,122 and I probably would have missed that sign 319 00:12:02,155 --> 00:12:04,224 if you hadn't primed me with all that "I spy". 320 00:12:04,257 --> 00:12:07,594 Celebratory lick? 321 00:12:07,627 --> 00:12:09,062 Traffic's clearing. 322 00:12:09,096 --> 00:12:10,697 Should be smooth sailing from here on out. 323 00:12:10,730 --> 00:12:12,833 Big Peanut, here we come. 324 00:12:14,167 --> 00:12:15,502 (screams) 325 00:12:16,804 --> 00:12:20,540 Oh, no. A parking ticket's like a thousand bad traffics. 326 00:12:20,573 --> 00:12:23,043 (groans) 327 00:12:23,076 --> 00:12:24,544 Everybody ready to hit the road? 328 00:12:24,577 --> 00:12:26,213 All board! Yay! You know it. 329 00:12:26,246 --> 00:12:27,981 JESSICA: Okay. 330 00:12:31,351 --> 00:12:33,821 (sighs) Practice round? 331 00:12:33,854 --> 00:12:34,822 (laughs) 332 00:12:34,855 --> 00:12:36,223 Hey, ho! 333 00:12:36,256 --> 00:12:38,491 Figured I didn't need to knock on account of guys' weekend. 334 00:12:38,525 --> 00:12:39,927 Come right on in. (door closes) 335 00:12:39,960 --> 00:12:41,628 I thought Eddie could use these tomorrow. 336 00:12:41,661 --> 00:12:42,896 They're Nicole's old sticks. 337 00:12:42,930 --> 00:12:44,431 They banned her from the golf course 338 00:12:44,464 --> 00:12:45,966 for hitting too many "geese burners." 339 00:12:45,999 --> 00:12:47,300 (laughs) Thanks, Marv. 340 00:12:47,334 --> 00:12:48,435 Yeah. 341 00:12:48,468 --> 00:12:50,670 So, how's it going? Okay. 342 00:12:50,703 --> 00:12:52,940 Eddie's buddies crashed the party, but I just rolled with it. 343 00:12:52,973 --> 00:12:54,507 Going with the flow -- 344 00:12:54,541 --> 00:12:56,944 That's the backbone of any guys' weekend. 345 00:12:56,977 --> 00:12:58,311 Where are the little rug sniffers? 346 00:12:58,345 --> 00:12:59,612 They went to bed. 347 00:12:59,646 --> 00:13:01,448 Before midnight? 348 00:13:01,481 --> 00:13:03,650 With all that testosterone? 349 00:13:03,683 --> 00:13:04,952 (Chuckling) No. 350 00:13:04,985 --> 00:13:06,453 The boy's got a VCR in his room? 351 00:13:06,486 --> 00:13:07,754 Not anymore. 352 00:13:07,787 --> 00:13:09,823 He was taping cable shows in the middle of the night. 353 00:13:09,857 --> 00:13:11,591 Well, that rules out ta-ta movies. 354 00:13:11,624 --> 00:13:13,360 He's got fireworks? We're Chinese. 355 00:13:13,393 --> 00:13:15,595 The boys have been over fireworks since they were five. 356 00:13:15,628 --> 00:13:17,164 Well, did they sneak out to go egging? 357 00:13:17,197 --> 00:13:18,531 Jessica painted the windows shut. 358 00:13:18,565 --> 00:13:20,000 Then it's got to be booze. 359 00:13:20,033 --> 00:13:21,969 What? No way. Booze. 360 00:13:22,002 --> 00:13:24,204 Eddie's growing up, but he's not there yet. 361 00:13:24,237 --> 00:13:25,605 Okay, maybe you're right. 362 00:13:25,638 --> 00:13:27,007 (chuckles) I don't mean to overstep. 363 00:13:27,040 --> 00:13:29,276 Who knows a son better than his father, right? 364 00:13:29,309 --> 00:13:31,378 I'll leave you to it. Hit 'em long and straight. 365 00:13:31,411 --> 00:13:32,512 All right, Marv. Okay. 366 00:13:32,545 --> 00:13:34,081 (chuckles) 367 00:13:35,015 --> 00:13:38,585 ** 368 00:13:39,386 --> 00:13:41,554 Hey, just checking to make sure everythi-- 369 00:13:42,422 --> 00:13:43,656 You're drinking? 370 00:13:43,690 --> 00:13:45,358 No. Eddie's the only one who had any. 371 00:13:45,392 --> 00:13:47,394 None of us even tried it. Where is he? 372 00:13:47,427 --> 00:13:49,062 He had a few sips and said he felt weird. 373 00:13:49,096 --> 00:13:50,397 And then he ran into the bathroom. 374 00:13:51,664 --> 00:13:53,533 Did Eddie O.D.? 375 00:13:53,566 --> 00:13:55,202 No, he'll be fine. 376 00:13:55,235 --> 00:13:57,971 But this should be a lesson to all of you not to drink. 377 00:13:58,005 --> 00:14:00,273 I'm gonna have to call your parents and let them know. 378 00:14:01,608 --> 00:14:03,543 Go home. Party's over. 379 00:14:04,777 --> 00:14:06,179 Sorry, Mr. Huang. See ya. 380 00:14:08,581 --> 00:14:10,183 (scoffs) 381 00:14:11,784 --> 00:14:13,253 ** 382 00:14:13,286 --> 00:14:15,755 (water shuts off) Oh, God. 383 00:14:18,091 --> 00:14:20,127 What's happening to me? 384 00:14:22,262 --> 00:14:23,830 Oh, God, oh, God. 385 00:14:23,863 --> 00:14:25,598 Oh, God. What? 386 00:14:25,632 --> 00:14:26,699 (knock on door) 387 00:14:26,733 --> 00:14:28,168 LOUIS: Eddie, can I come in? 388 00:14:28,201 --> 00:14:30,170 No, Dad. I'm -- I'm doing something in here. 389 00:14:30,203 --> 00:14:32,672 Eddie, I know about the beer. Just open up. 390 00:14:32,705 --> 00:14:33,907 Crap. 391 00:14:33,941 --> 00:14:35,375 Trust me, you don't want to see this. 392 00:14:35,408 --> 00:14:37,077 Open up the door right this minute. 393 00:14:37,110 --> 00:14:39,812 Okay. You asked for it. 394 00:14:45,552 --> 00:14:47,554 We need to talk. 395 00:14:47,587 --> 00:14:49,456 What's happening to us? 396 00:14:49,489 --> 00:14:50,958 The Asian Flush. 397 00:14:57,064 --> 00:14:59,099 What's wrong with me? Am I drunk? 398 00:14:59,132 --> 00:15:01,434 Calm down. Getting agitated will just make it worse. 399 00:15:01,468 --> 00:15:02,869 Worse?! 400 00:15:02,902 --> 00:15:04,704 It's called the Asian Flush. 401 00:15:04,737 --> 00:15:06,206 It's an allergic reaction. 402 00:15:06,239 --> 00:15:08,775 Your body lacks the enzyme to process alcohol. 403 00:15:08,808 --> 00:15:09,909 It doesn't affect everyone. 404 00:15:09,943 --> 00:15:11,311 Your mom and grandma don't have it. 405 00:15:11,344 --> 00:15:12,980 (sighs) What's gonna happen to me? 406 00:15:13,013 --> 00:15:15,048 Well, everyone reacts different. 407 00:15:15,082 --> 00:15:17,284 For me, my face gets hot and red, 408 00:15:17,317 --> 00:15:20,220 my throat and eyes get itchy, and my heart races. 409 00:15:20,253 --> 00:15:22,322 You didn't drink much, so it shouldn't last long. 410 00:15:22,355 --> 00:15:24,992 Great -- just another way I'm different from everyone else. 411 00:15:26,193 --> 00:15:28,095 This is like an all-body heat. 412 00:15:28,128 --> 00:15:29,929 Look, I was just as confused as you 413 00:15:29,963 --> 00:15:31,431 when I first discovered it. 414 00:15:31,464 --> 00:15:33,333 It happened my freshman year in college. 415 00:15:33,366 --> 00:15:34,401 (laughter) 416 00:15:34,434 --> 00:15:36,003 Oh! Hey, man! 417 00:15:36,036 --> 00:15:38,171 I was already self-conscious being an Asian kid 418 00:15:38,205 --> 00:15:39,772 in a mostly white school, 419 00:15:39,806 --> 00:15:41,574 and now the one thing that was supposed to help 420 00:15:41,608 --> 00:15:44,177 my social anxiety only made it worse. Not bad. 421 00:15:44,211 --> 00:15:46,413 And then -- And then I did the worm. 422 00:15:46,446 --> 00:15:48,348 (laughing) Oh, yeah! 423 00:15:48,381 --> 00:15:49,983 (laughter) 424 00:15:50,017 --> 00:15:51,151 Your face. 425 00:15:51,184 --> 00:15:52,785 Oh! You look like your sweater. 426 00:15:52,819 --> 00:15:53,753 What's wrong with you? 427 00:15:53,786 --> 00:15:56,289 I don't know. 428 00:15:56,323 --> 00:15:58,291 (panting) 429 00:16:00,627 --> 00:16:01,661 Really, Maryland? 430 00:16:01,694 --> 00:16:03,096 You rain for three straight months, 431 00:16:03,130 --> 00:16:05,632 but tonight there's not even a breeze?! 432 00:16:05,665 --> 00:16:07,600 I don't feel so good. 433 00:16:07,634 --> 00:16:08,868 Oh, yeah. That's another thing. 434 00:16:08,901 --> 00:16:11,004 We also get an accelerated hangover. 435 00:16:11,038 --> 00:16:12,839 Come on. I got something that'll help. 436 00:16:12,872 --> 00:16:14,874 ** 437 00:16:16,176 --> 00:16:17,377 Hey! 438 00:16:17,410 --> 00:16:19,379 They're just giving it away. 439 00:16:19,412 --> 00:16:21,281 I don't want to jinx it, 440 00:16:21,314 --> 00:16:24,984 but I think this might be my best road trip yet. 441 00:16:25,018 --> 00:16:27,154 It is. It totally is! 442 00:16:27,187 --> 00:16:29,456 (laughs) 443 00:16:29,489 --> 00:16:31,791 I can't take it anymore. It's too much pressure. 444 00:16:31,824 --> 00:16:33,493 Girl, you got to hold it together. 445 00:16:33,526 --> 00:16:35,462 That's what I'm saying. I can't. 446 00:16:35,495 --> 00:16:38,165 We're hostages. You know that, right? 447 00:16:38,198 --> 00:16:40,333 We just have to keep it up a little longer 448 00:16:40,367 --> 00:16:44,237 so we can see the peanut, pick up the chair, and get home. 449 00:16:44,271 --> 00:16:46,306 Why do you want to see this peanut so badly? 450 00:16:46,339 --> 00:16:48,675 Because it's the world's biggest peanut. 451 00:16:48,708 --> 00:16:50,577 What is she not understanding? 452 00:16:50,610 --> 00:16:52,512 Can you explain it to her, please? 453 00:16:52,545 --> 00:16:53,913 Aah! 454 00:16:53,946 --> 00:16:56,149 Another ticket? 455 00:16:56,183 --> 00:16:57,850 What do you mean "another ticket"? 456 00:17:00,087 --> 00:17:02,255 Here you go. Try this. 457 00:17:06,459 --> 00:17:08,661 Ugh! It tastes worse than the beer. 458 00:17:08,695 --> 00:17:10,397 Oh, yeah. It's disgusting. 459 00:17:10,430 --> 00:17:11,831 I call it Lou Brew. 460 00:17:11,864 --> 00:17:14,367 It also gets out permanent marker and blood stains. 461 00:17:14,401 --> 00:17:15,235 I don't get it. 462 00:17:15,268 --> 00:17:17,170 I've seen you drink alcohol before 463 00:17:17,204 --> 00:17:18,438 and this never happened to you. 464 00:17:18,471 --> 00:17:20,573 Well, I've learned to adapt over the years. 465 00:17:20,607 --> 00:17:23,443 At first, around my white friends, I'd fake drunk. 466 00:17:23,476 --> 00:17:26,579 Good one, Clark! (laughs) 467 00:17:28,215 --> 00:17:30,717 Whoo! Another round! (laughs) 468 00:17:30,750 --> 00:17:33,086 Then if I was with my Chinese friends, 469 00:17:33,120 --> 00:17:35,455 I could just let it fly because they understood. 470 00:17:35,488 --> 00:17:37,290 Hey, I think it spread to my eyelid. 471 00:17:37,324 --> 00:17:39,058 Hey, check this out! 472 00:17:39,092 --> 00:17:40,927 (laughs) 473 00:17:42,229 --> 00:17:43,896 I got that butt thing again. 474 00:17:43,930 --> 00:17:45,932 Oh, Hank! Hank! 475 00:17:45,965 --> 00:17:49,068 If I pass out, I've got $2 worth 476 00:17:49,102 --> 00:17:50,803 of Bob Seger in the jukebox. 477 00:17:50,837 --> 00:17:53,240 If "Like a Rock" comes on, wake me up. 478 00:17:53,273 --> 00:17:55,208 Can someone turn the A.C. up? 479 00:17:55,242 --> 00:17:58,044 It is hot as hell in here. The twins are drenched. 480 00:17:58,077 --> 00:17:59,979 (laughter) 481 00:18:00,012 --> 00:18:02,782 LOUIS: And then, eventually, I developed a pre-game routine 482 00:18:02,815 --> 00:18:04,384 to fight it the best I could. 483 00:18:04,417 --> 00:18:06,919 My Flush Pack -- Before I drink, 484 00:18:06,953 --> 00:18:08,054 I take these precautions 485 00:18:08,087 --> 00:18:09,656 and it lessens the side effects -- 486 00:18:09,689 --> 00:18:14,093 PEPCID, inhaler, eye drops, TUMS. 487 00:18:14,127 --> 00:18:16,729 You have to do all this nonsense every time you drink? 488 00:18:16,763 --> 00:18:19,332 I don't write checks my body can't cash. 489 00:18:19,366 --> 00:18:20,867 Also, there's some cash in here. 490 00:18:22,001 --> 00:18:23,803 I don't understand. 491 00:18:23,836 --> 00:18:25,738 Why didn't you just tell me about the tickets? 492 00:18:25,772 --> 00:18:28,341 Well, because every little thing sets you off... 493 00:18:28,375 --> 00:18:30,310 Honey -- ...because you're a road grump. 494 00:18:30,343 --> 00:18:32,111 (sighs) 495 00:18:32,145 --> 00:18:33,746 What are you talking about? 496 00:18:33,780 --> 00:18:35,515 As soon as things don't go your way, 497 00:18:35,548 --> 00:18:38,918 you get super sensitive and make everyone tense. 498 00:18:38,951 --> 00:18:40,587 No, I don't. 499 00:18:40,620 --> 00:18:41,988 I run on a schedule, 500 00:18:42,021 --> 00:18:43,956 but that's just to make things more efficient. 501 00:18:43,990 --> 00:18:45,325 I'm a road boss. 502 00:18:45,358 --> 00:18:47,327 Road trips are supposed to be fun. 503 00:18:47,360 --> 00:18:49,028 If I knew it was gonna be like this, 504 00:18:49,061 --> 00:18:50,763 I would have just given you the $20 505 00:18:50,797 --> 00:18:52,499 to buy the chair back in Orlando. 506 00:18:52,532 --> 00:18:54,201 (sighs) 507 00:18:56,403 --> 00:18:57,904 You both feel this way? 508 00:18:59,306 --> 00:19:01,174 I didn't know. 509 00:19:01,208 --> 00:19:03,176 I don't want to be a road grump. 510 00:19:03,210 --> 00:19:05,378 I want to have fun on this trip, too. 511 00:19:05,412 --> 00:19:06,946 It's too late. 512 00:19:06,979 --> 00:19:09,216 You're already mad about the parking tickets. 513 00:19:12,252 --> 00:19:13,286 (gasps) 514 00:19:13,320 --> 00:19:14,887 What parking tickets? 515 00:19:14,921 --> 00:19:16,989 Jessica, they can track you down by your license plate. 516 00:19:17,023 --> 00:19:18,291 Oh, yeah? 517 00:19:18,325 --> 00:19:21,160 ** 518 00:19:23,396 --> 00:19:25,632 Anyone asks, our plates got stolen 519 00:19:25,665 --> 00:19:27,967 and someone else got those tickets. 520 00:19:28,000 --> 00:19:31,238 Uh, (laughs) an unmarked car? 521 00:19:31,271 --> 00:19:33,540 Now it's a road trip! Yes! 522 00:19:33,573 --> 00:19:35,007 Let's go see that peanut! 523 00:19:35,041 --> 00:19:37,210 Yes! Let's do it! Let's go! 524 00:19:37,244 --> 00:19:39,045 And last, just to be safe, 525 00:19:39,078 --> 00:19:41,381 I rubber-band these gauze pads in my armpits 526 00:19:41,414 --> 00:19:42,582 to soak up the sweat. 527 00:19:42,615 --> 00:19:45,585 First we can't drink milk, and now this. 528 00:19:45,618 --> 00:19:47,254 Asians got jobbed. 529 00:19:47,287 --> 00:19:48,988 Why did you never tell me about this? 530 00:19:49,021 --> 00:19:51,991 I was going to when you were old enough to start drinking. 531 00:19:52,024 --> 00:19:53,693 I guess I didn't realize you were there. 532 00:19:53,726 --> 00:19:55,995 Yeah, well, I learned my lesson. 533 00:19:56,028 --> 00:19:57,930 Your mom and I will take that into consideration 534 00:19:57,964 --> 00:19:59,266 when we figure out your punishment. 535 00:19:59,299 --> 00:20:01,668 Damn. (sighs) 536 00:20:01,701 --> 00:20:04,404 Well, if it helps, it wasn't planned. 537 00:20:04,437 --> 00:20:06,172 It just sort of happened. 538 00:20:06,205 --> 00:20:08,007 Honestly, this weekend I was just hoping 539 00:20:08,040 --> 00:20:10,777 to sit around in our underwear watching TV... 540 00:20:10,810 --> 00:20:12,445 BOTH: Not brushing our teeth. 541 00:20:12,479 --> 00:20:13,413 (chuckles) 542 00:20:13,446 --> 00:20:14,781 This all seems like a lot of work 543 00:20:14,814 --> 00:20:16,383 for something that tastes like garbage. 544 00:20:16,416 --> 00:20:17,950 Well, if you want to talk about it, 545 00:20:17,984 --> 00:20:19,752 or anything else, I'm here. 546 00:20:19,786 --> 00:20:24,090 I actually do have some questions about kissing. 547 00:20:25,258 --> 00:20:26,393 How do you know if you're good at it? 548 00:20:26,426 --> 00:20:28,795 Well, if she's anything like your mother -- 549 00:20:28,828 --> 00:20:30,763 You know what? I'm not feeling so great. 550 00:20:30,797 --> 00:20:31,964 Maybe we can talk more later. 551 00:20:31,998 --> 00:20:33,566 Whenever you want. 552 00:20:33,600 --> 00:20:34,634 Come on. Let's get the rest 553 00:20:34,667 --> 00:20:35,735 of the beers and dump them out. 554 00:20:35,768 --> 00:20:37,203 Oh. It was just the one. 555 00:20:37,236 --> 00:20:39,472 The five of you were going to split one beer? 556 00:20:39,506 --> 00:20:40,940 It was all he could afford. 557 00:20:40,973 --> 00:20:43,142 Trent paid his sister 60 bucks for it. 558 00:20:44,143 --> 00:20:46,112 She said she was losing money. 559 00:20:46,145 --> 00:20:47,814 (chuckles) 560 00:20:52,084 --> 00:20:54,821 Why do they have a swimming pool at a police academy? 561 00:20:54,854 --> 00:20:56,956 Don't start asking questions, or it all falls apart. 562 00:20:56,989 --> 00:20:58,124 (door opens) 563 00:20:58,157 --> 00:21:00,293 Hey, you're back. How was the trip? 564 00:21:00,327 --> 00:21:03,896 (muttering in Mandarin) 565 00:21:03,930 --> 00:21:05,398 Mom's speaking Mandarin. 566 00:21:05,432 --> 00:21:06,933 You didn't see the big nut, did you? 567 00:21:06,966 --> 00:21:08,835 Nope. Didn't even get the chair. 568 00:21:08,868 --> 00:21:09,936 What happened? 569 00:21:10,770 --> 00:21:12,271 Let's go see that peanut! 570 00:21:12,305 --> 00:21:14,073 Yes! Let's go! 571 00:21:14,106 --> 00:21:15,775 (indistinct radio chatter) 572 00:21:15,808 --> 00:21:18,110 And that's for driving without license plates. 573 00:21:26,653 --> 00:21:27,987 Goodbye, Big Peanut. 574 00:21:28,020 --> 00:21:30,990 Maybe it's better not to meet your heroes. 575 00:21:31,023 --> 00:21:34,794 -- Captions by VITA --