1
00:00:03,737 --> 00:00:04,872
(sighs)

2
00:00:04,972 --> 00:00:08,109
**

3
00:00:08,209 --> 00:00:11,179
We've been here all day.
I've answered
all of your questions.

4
00:00:11,279 --> 00:00:13,547
Can I please
just have my citizenship?

5
00:00:13,647 --> 00:00:15,683
I'm sorry it's taking
so much time, ma'am.

6
00:00:15,783 --> 00:00:18,619
Everything
seems to be in order.

7
00:00:21,222 --> 00:00:23,124
Hold that stamp!

8
00:00:25,859 --> 00:00:28,062
(whispers indistinctly)

9
00:00:28,162 --> 00:00:31,065
Mrs. Huang, I need to ask you
a few more questions

10
00:00:31,165 --> 00:00:32,633
regarding
your criminal record.

11
00:00:35,636 --> 00:00:37,405
(whispers indistinctly)

12
00:00:37,505 --> 00:00:38,739
Right now?
Mm-hmm.

13
00:00:38,839 --> 00:00:40,908
Can it wait?

14
00:00:41,008 --> 00:00:43,277
Well, what did Sandy order
for lunch?

15
00:00:43,377 --> 00:00:45,113
(whispers indistinctly)

16
00:00:45,213 --> 00:00:46,947
All right, I'll just have
what Sandy's having.

17
00:00:47,047 --> 00:00:48,149
No, you know what?

18
00:00:48,249 --> 00:00:49,883
I'll take a rack of ribs.

19
00:00:54,655 --> 00:00:55,756
* Fresh off the boat

20
00:00:55,856 --> 00:00:57,458
* I'm gettin' mine
everywhere I go *

21
00:00:57,558 --> 00:00:59,593
* If you don't know, homey,
now you know *

22
00:00:59,693 --> 00:01:00,894
* Fresh off the boat

23
00:01:00,994 --> 00:01:03,231
* Homey, you don't know
where I come from *

24
00:01:03,331 --> 00:01:04,732
* But I know where I'm goin'

25
00:01:04,832 --> 00:01:07,435
* I'm fresh off the boat

26
00:01:10,671 --> 00:01:12,306
Which one?
The blue one.

27
00:01:12,406 --> 00:01:14,642
They're both blue.
I made my choice.

28
00:01:14,742 --> 00:01:18,279
I just want to look perfect
for your citizenship interview.

29
00:01:18,379 --> 00:01:19,780
This is a big moment
for you.

30
00:01:19,880 --> 00:01:21,282
You're like
an immigrant caterpillar,

31
00:01:21,382 --> 00:01:23,784
and now you'll be
an American butterfly.

32
00:01:23,884 --> 00:01:27,155
Why must every single moment
of our lives be so sentimental?

33
00:01:27,255 --> 00:01:30,524
Getting my citizenship, moving
to Orlando, Eddie's first word.

34
00:01:30,624 --> 00:01:32,193
Which was "thug life,"
by the way.

35
00:01:32,293 --> 00:01:35,263
I'm gonna need you to confirm
that if anyone from school asks.

36
00:01:35,363 --> 00:01:36,530
I still don't understand

37
00:01:36,630 --> 00:01:38,666
how Mom is not a citizen
if I'm a citizen.

38
00:01:38,766 --> 00:01:39,967
Because you boys
were born here.

39
00:01:40,067 --> 00:01:41,202
And I'm a citizen because

40
00:01:42,470 --> 00:01:43,937
I applied for the green card
lottery and then I naturalized.

41
00:01:44,037 --> 00:01:45,639
And after that,
I sponsored Grandma,

42
00:01:45,739 --> 00:01:47,641
who also then naturalized
to become a citizen.

43
00:01:47,741 --> 00:01:50,178
And now she gets to stay here
forever.

44
00:01:54,182 --> 00:01:56,650
But your mom is a permanent
resident with a green card.

45
00:01:56,750 --> 00:01:58,018
Remember when we got
your green card?

46
00:01:58,118 --> 00:02:00,288
How they took us
into separate gray rooms

47
00:02:00,388 --> 00:02:01,955
and grilled us
about how we met.

48
00:02:02,055 --> 00:02:03,957
Tell us the story
of how you guys met again.

49
00:02:04,057 --> 00:02:06,660
It's my favorite love story,
after "My Girl," of course.

50
00:02:06,760 --> 00:02:08,162
Emery, please,
don't get him started.

51
00:02:08,262 --> 00:02:10,631
It was a crisp autumn day.
(sighs)

52
00:02:10,731 --> 00:02:12,633
We went to the same college
but didn't even know it

53
00:02:12,733 --> 00:02:14,368
until
the rotten octopus of fate

54
00:02:14,468 --> 00:02:16,404
reached out
its food-poisoned tentacles

55
00:02:16,504 --> 00:02:17,638
and pulled us together.

56
00:02:17,738 --> 00:02:19,240
It was love at first sight.

57
00:02:19,340 --> 00:02:20,308
For you, maybe.

58
00:02:20,408 --> 00:02:22,476
I was busy being sick
from the waist down.

59
00:02:22,576 --> 00:02:26,013
After an explosive start
and a lengthy courtship,

60
00:02:26,113 --> 00:02:28,148
she finally accepted
my proposal.

61
00:02:28,249 --> 00:02:30,351
I know you've said no
five times already,

62
00:02:30,451 --> 00:02:31,719
but I'm gonna keep asking.

63
00:02:31,819 --> 00:02:34,188
Will you marry me?

64
00:02:34,288 --> 00:02:36,857
Yes.
I will marry you.

65
00:02:36,957 --> 00:02:39,693
It was magical.

66
00:02:39,793 --> 00:02:41,195
Even your mom
was a little teary.

67
00:02:41,295 --> 00:02:43,231
The ring
was pinching my finger.

68
00:02:43,331 --> 00:02:44,698
We took the world
by storm.

69
00:02:44,798 --> 00:02:46,033
We bought a mini van.

70
00:02:46,133 --> 00:02:47,368
Because I wanted
so many kids.

71
00:02:47,468 --> 00:02:49,169
I told him
shop closed after two.

72
00:02:49,270 --> 00:02:51,339
So what made you decide
to have me?

73
00:02:51,439 --> 00:02:54,107
White wine.
And now here we are.

74
00:02:54,208 --> 00:02:56,377
Why do you have to romanticize
everything?

75
00:02:56,477 --> 00:02:58,246
You proposed several times,
I said no,

76
00:02:58,346 --> 00:02:59,713
you wore me down,
I said yes.

77
00:02:59,813 --> 00:03:01,515
True love
is worth fighting for.

78
00:03:01,615 --> 00:03:02,683
(sighs)
See? You're doing it again.

79
00:03:02,783 --> 00:03:03,884
Déjà vu.

80
00:03:03,984 --> 00:03:05,886
Just don't tell these stories
in the interview.

81
00:03:05,986 --> 00:03:07,120
I want it to go quick.

82
00:03:07,221 --> 00:03:09,390
The immigration office
is on the bad side of town,

83
00:03:09,490 --> 00:03:11,459
so I want to hit
the 99-cent store

84
00:03:11,559 --> 00:03:13,861
and then fill up the Accord
with the cheap, cheap gas.

85
00:03:16,797 --> 00:03:18,098
Why aren't you dressed
for school?

86
00:03:18,198 --> 00:03:20,534
Oh, we're not going to school
today.

87
00:03:20,634 --> 00:03:22,736
Why do you test me
like this?

88
00:03:22,836 --> 00:03:25,439
Three words.
Teacher training day.

89
00:03:25,539 --> 00:03:26,874
Another one?

90
00:03:26,974 --> 00:03:29,877
How many days off a year do
these fat-cat teachers get?

91
00:03:29,977 --> 00:03:31,445
Well, it's important
that they train.

92
00:03:31,545 --> 00:03:33,381
Oh, let's see.

93
00:03:33,481 --> 00:03:35,816
When's another time
they could possibly train?

94
00:03:35,916 --> 00:03:40,220
Oh, maybe during the entire
summer that they get off.

95
00:03:40,321 --> 00:03:42,456
It's --
Okay, okay, we're gonna be late
for your appointment.

96
00:03:42,556 --> 00:03:43,957
Let's go.
Ma, we're gonna be gone all day.

97
00:03:44,057 --> 00:03:45,092
Can you keep an eye
on the boys?

98
00:03:50,964 --> 00:03:52,766
Just pretend like
you don't understand Mandarin

99
00:03:52,866 --> 00:03:55,002
and back away.

100
00:04:02,175 --> 00:04:03,277
(sighs)

101
00:04:03,377 --> 00:04:06,113
**

102
00:04:06,213 --> 00:04:07,615
What is this?

103
00:04:07,715 --> 00:04:09,850
We're getting a jump
on what we think next
week's homework will be.

104
00:04:09,950 --> 00:04:10,951
We're just guessing.

105
00:04:11,051 --> 00:04:12,853
You guys need to learn
how to dream.

106
00:04:12,953 --> 00:04:14,955
How often
do we get a day off of school

107
00:04:15,055 --> 00:04:16,357
and Mom and Dad
are out of the house?

108
00:04:16,457 --> 00:04:17,425
Never.

109
00:04:17,525 --> 00:04:18,626
Eddie's right.

110
00:04:18,726 --> 00:04:20,294
How about after math,

111
00:04:20,394 --> 00:04:22,963
we reward ourselves with
a little cheese string par-tay?

112
00:04:23,063 --> 00:04:24,131
I can't eat cheese,

113
00:04:24,231 --> 00:04:26,099
but I'll pretend to smoke it
like a cigar.

114
00:04:26,199 --> 00:04:28,702
First of all, I finished
all the string cheese.

115
00:04:28,802 --> 00:04:30,504
Second,
you need to think bigger.

116
00:04:30,604 --> 00:04:32,640
This is a once in a lifetime
opportunity.

117
00:04:32,740 --> 00:04:34,775
We're gonna take Mom and Dad's
mini van for a ride.

118
00:04:34,875 --> 00:04:36,544
(gasps)
Are you crazy?

119
00:04:36,644 --> 00:04:37,811
You know Grandma's home.

120
00:04:37,911 --> 00:04:39,313
She's neck deep in perfume.

121
00:04:39,413 --> 00:04:40,648
She'll be in her room
all day.

122
00:04:40,748 --> 00:04:42,850
But none of us
even know how to drive.

123
00:04:42,950 --> 00:04:45,319
Evan, you know
I'm an amazing driver.

124
00:04:45,419 --> 00:04:46,854
You've seen me play
Mario Kart.

125
00:04:46,954 --> 00:04:48,356
Scoreboard don't lie, son.

126
00:04:48,456 --> 00:04:50,791
He does always banana
my red shells.

127
00:04:50,891 --> 00:04:52,493
Come on.
Brothers road trip?

128
00:04:52,593 --> 00:04:56,530
I guess I will build some
memories, like the Hardy Boys.

129
00:04:56,630 --> 00:04:57,898
And we can go to Hardee's.

130
00:04:59,967 --> 00:05:01,502
(sighs)
I don't know.

131
00:05:01,602 --> 00:05:03,504
You can use your AAA card
for discounts on the road.

132
00:05:03,604 --> 00:05:05,806
I'll grab
my motion-sickness pills.

133
00:05:05,906 --> 00:05:08,976
**

134
00:05:09,076 --> 00:05:11,645
Mrs. Huang, Mr. Huang.

135
00:05:11,745 --> 00:05:12,880
Cheese.

136
00:05:12,980 --> 00:05:14,815
Actually, photography
is prohibited.

137
00:05:14,915 --> 00:05:17,184
This is a government building.
You understand.

138
00:05:17,284 --> 00:05:19,687
Oh, right.
Of course I understand.
(camera clicks)

139
00:05:19,787 --> 00:05:21,389
All right,
let's get this going.

140
00:05:21,489 --> 00:05:22,890
I already
submitted the forms

141
00:05:22,990 --> 00:05:24,191
and pre-paid the processing fee
a week ago.

142
00:05:24,291 --> 00:05:25,893
Also,
I put $1 into the meter.

143
00:05:25,993 --> 00:05:28,328
I only have 45 minutes
and I will not go over.

144
00:05:28,429 --> 00:05:30,097
Well, that should be
plenty of time.

145
00:05:30,197 --> 00:05:31,432
We just need you to confirm

146
00:05:31,532 --> 00:05:33,033
some of the information
we have on file.

147
00:05:33,133 --> 00:05:34,502
Yes, love to.
First question.

148
00:05:34,602 --> 00:05:37,371
Okay, it says here your first
entry into the U.S.

149
00:05:37,471 --> 00:05:38,706
was on a Student Visa.

150
00:05:38,806 --> 00:05:40,374
Correct. Business major,
Maryland College.

151
00:05:40,474 --> 00:05:41,875
Second question.
Business?

152
00:05:41,975 --> 00:05:43,677
I would've thought
it would've been teaching.

153
00:05:43,777 --> 00:05:45,879
Ha! As if.

154
00:05:45,979 --> 00:05:47,180
Is that from "Clueless"?

155
00:05:47,280 --> 00:05:49,750
Did you know that is
a playful reimagining

156
00:05:49,850 --> 00:05:51,184
of Jane Austen's "Emma"?

157
00:05:51,284 --> 00:05:53,787
Whatever.
(laughs)

158
00:05:53,887 --> 00:05:56,524
I'm just laughing because
Jessica hates teachers.

159
00:05:56,624 --> 00:06:00,394
It says here her first job in
this country was teaching.

160
00:06:00,494 --> 00:06:02,730
Oh, is that
all the questions?

161
00:06:02,830 --> 00:06:05,966
Great, let's just wrap this up
with the pledge of allegiance.

162
00:06:06,066 --> 00:06:11,739
I, Jessica, take you,
the United States of America,

163
00:06:11,839 --> 00:06:15,943
as my lawfully wedded...
country.

164
00:06:21,915 --> 00:06:23,784
You were a teacher?

165
00:06:23,884 --> 00:06:26,987
You told me your first
job was selling sandwiches
at Orioles games.

166
00:06:27,087 --> 00:06:28,822
Hey, if you believed that,
then that's on you.

167
00:06:28,922 --> 00:06:31,659
For as long as I've known you,
you've hated teachers.

168
00:06:31,759 --> 00:06:35,929
Louis, you have to understand,
I was young, desperate.

169
00:06:36,029 --> 00:06:38,098
I didn't know
what I was getting myself into.

170
00:06:38,198 --> 00:06:39,299
What happened?

171
00:06:39,399 --> 00:06:41,569
My Student Visa
was about to expire

172
00:06:41,669 --> 00:06:44,438
and I had to find a way
to stay in this country,

173
00:06:44,538 --> 00:06:45,973
and one of my professors

174
00:06:46,073 --> 00:06:48,642
told me about
a Specialty Occupation Visa.

175
00:06:48,742 --> 00:06:51,912
Means if you're in a profession
that the U.S. has a shortage of,

176
00:06:52,012 --> 00:06:54,815
you can stay in the country.
I know that, Doug.

177
00:06:54,915 --> 00:06:59,019
And it just so happens that
one of those professions...

178
00:06:59,119 --> 00:07:00,754
is teacher.

179
00:07:00,854 --> 00:07:02,422
JESSICA:
It was my first day,

180
00:07:02,523 --> 00:07:04,825
and Honey was giving me a tour
of the teacher's lounge.

181
00:07:04,925 --> 00:07:07,828
I saw Mitch, Marvin,
and Deidre at the bar cart.

182
00:07:07,928 --> 00:07:11,131
I just want to make it clear
that those are the names of our
current friends and neighbors,

183
00:07:11,231 --> 00:07:12,500
not the real people
involved.

184
00:07:12,600 --> 00:07:14,367
Basically all white people
look the same to her.

185
00:07:14,468 --> 00:07:15,836
Yeah, I get it.

186
00:07:15,936 --> 00:07:18,338
People mix up me and my brother
all the time.

187
00:07:18,438 --> 00:07:20,641
That's why I started wearing
contact lenses.

188
00:07:21,975 --> 00:07:24,712
So, anyway, Honey was showing me
how to whip up a Sanka.

189
00:07:24,812 --> 00:07:26,880
And you just stir it
right in.

190
00:07:26,980 --> 00:07:29,717
Astronauts call it
brown Tang.

191
00:07:29,817 --> 00:07:33,721
(school bell rings)

192
00:07:33,821 --> 00:07:35,723
Aren't you gonna be late
for your classes?

193
00:07:35,823 --> 00:07:37,324
No, we have a 20-minute
grace period.

194
00:07:37,424 --> 00:07:38,792
40 if it's sunny out.

195
00:07:38,892 --> 00:07:40,227
Yeah, let's be honest.

196
00:07:40,327 --> 00:07:41,895
These kids don't want to learn
and we don't want to teach.

197
00:07:41,995 --> 00:07:44,464
We just want to make it
to 3:00 p.m.

198
00:07:44,565 --> 00:07:46,033
What happens at 3:00 p.m.?

199
00:07:46,133 --> 00:07:48,135
That's when we turn on
some Jimmy Buffet

200
00:07:48,235 --> 00:07:49,703
and get straight-up
blasted!

201
00:07:49,803 --> 00:07:53,006
(evil laughter)

202
00:07:53,106 --> 00:07:57,210
(distorted laughter)

203
00:07:57,310 --> 00:07:59,146
It was at that moment
I realized

204
00:07:59,246 --> 00:08:02,182
that I could never be part
of such a corrupt profession.

205
00:08:02,282 --> 00:08:04,217
I quit
right then and there.

206
00:08:04,317 --> 00:08:06,419
It says here you were fired
for spanking a child.

207
00:08:06,520 --> 00:08:09,089
Well, if you knew that, why did
you let me keep talking?

208
00:08:09,189 --> 00:08:11,058
You spanked a child?

209
00:08:11,158 --> 00:08:12,860
Spanking is a strong word.

210
00:08:12,960 --> 00:08:15,428
It was a gentle tap
over the pants.

211
00:08:15,529 --> 00:08:16,997
I thought I knew everything
about you.

212
00:08:17,097 --> 00:08:18,666
You were a teacher.

213
00:08:18,766 --> 00:08:21,535
I did what I had to do
to survive.

214
00:08:21,635 --> 00:08:23,270
Teach advanced calculus.

215
00:08:23,370 --> 00:08:24,504
Says here you taught drama.

216
00:08:24,605 --> 00:08:25,939
Damn you, Doug!

217
00:08:26,039 --> 00:08:28,208
**

218
00:08:28,308 --> 00:08:31,945
* Just another...day for Dre,
so I begin like this *

219
00:08:32,045 --> 00:08:34,514
* No medallions, dreadlocks,
or black fists *

220
00:08:34,615 --> 00:08:37,585
* It's just that gangster glare,
with gangster raps *

221
00:08:37,685 --> 00:08:39,887
* That gangster...that makes
the gang of snaps, uhh *

222
00:08:39,987 --> 00:08:42,856
I got Hot 104 locked
on all five presets

223
00:08:42,956 --> 00:08:44,457
in case
one loses reception.

224
00:08:44,558 --> 00:08:48,528
Look, a nap zone.

225
00:08:48,629 --> 00:08:51,799
Emery, I know we've had our
differences over the years,

226
00:08:51,899 --> 00:08:55,468
but sometimes
you really feel me, dawg.

227
00:08:55,569 --> 00:08:57,037
Hold onto your butts,
fellas.

228
00:08:57,137 --> 00:09:01,541
It says here that AAA members
get 5% off at Wet 'n Wild!

229
00:09:01,642 --> 00:09:02,910
Oh, what?!

230
00:09:03,010 --> 00:09:04,812
You know I'm about
that Lazy River life!

231
00:09:04,912 --> 00:09:07,748
Okay, so we'll start
at the mall, pick up Alison,

232
00:09:07,848 --> 00:09:09,416
and then loop back
to the dry cleaners,

233
00:09:09,516 --> 00:09:10,951
helping Mom,

234
00:09:11,051 --> 00:09:12,786
and instead
of stopping for lunch,

235
00:09:12,886 --> 00:09:13,921
we'll just fire up
the hibachi.

236
00:09:14,021 --> 00:09:15,789
Then we'll end the day
at Wet 'n Wild

237
00:09:15,889 --> 00:09:17,625
with a hard chill
in the Surf Lagoon.

238
00:09:17,725 --> 00:09:18,826
Let's go!

239
00:09:18,926 --> 00:09:21,995
* As I dip a...trip
to the South Side, yeah *

240
00:09:22,095 --> 00:09:24,131
* Rollin' in my six-fo'

241
00:09:24,231 --> 00:09:25,633
* With all the...sayin'

242
00:09:25,733 --> 00:09:26,800
Wait!

243
00:09:26,900 --> 00:09:28,468
We need our bathing suits
for Wet 'n Wild.

244
00:09:28,568 --> 00:09:30,403
My swimmies!

245
00:09:49,089 --> 00:09:50,357
(screams)

246
00:09:50,457 --> 00:09:53,861
Oh, no! No! No!
No! No! No! No!

247
00:09:53,961 --> 00:09:55,128
Guys, it's fine.

248
00:09:55,228 --> 00:09:56,764
I took the parking brake off

249
00:09:56,864 --> 00:09:58,331
and it must've rolled
into the street.

250
00:09:58,431 --> 00:09:59,499
No bigs.

251
00:10:01,368 --> 00:10:02,469
Where'd I put the keys?

252
00:10:02,569 --> 00:10:04,838
Crap.

253
00:10:04,938 --> 00:10:06,306
(door handle rattles)

254
00:10:06,406 --> 00:10:08,842
(screams)

255
00:10:10,978 --> 00:10:13,380
DOUG: Okay, after teaching
didn't work out,

256
00:10:13,480 --> 00:10:15,115
it says
your next application

257
00:10:15,215 --> 00:10:17,217
was for
an Extraordinary Ability Visa.

258
00:10:17,317 --> 00:10:18,819
Yes, that's right.

259
00:10:18,919 --> 00:10:19,987
I was sitting with my college
roommate, Honey --

260
00:10:21,221 --> 00:10:23,824
Wait, I thought Honey was a
teacher at the school you -- oh.

261
00:10:23,924 --> 00:10:25,659
White people all the same.
Got it.

262
00:10:25,759 --> 00:10:29,362
Jessica, I am so sorry the
teaching thing didn't work out.

263
00:10:29,462 --> 00:10:31,198
It's a blessing in disguise.

264
00:10:31,298 --> 00:10:34,067
Why should I waste my talent
and my work ethic

265
00:10:34,167 --> 00:10:36,403
on a lowly
Specialty Occupation Visa

266
00:10:36,503 --> 00:10:39,372
when really
I should have...

267
00:10:39,472 --> 00:10:41,842
an Extraordinary Ability
Visa.

268
00:10:41,942 --> 00:10:42,910
Oh.

269
00:10:43,010 --> 00:10:45,178
"For someone who possesses
superior talents

270
00:10:45,278 --> 00:10:46,546
that enrich our nation."

271
00:10:46,646 --> 00:10:48,415
What kind of superior talents
do you have?

272
00:10:48,515 --> 00:10:50,183
What kind don't I have?

273
00:10:50,283 --> 00:10:52,652
Acting, singing,
puppeteering.

274
00:10:52,753 --> 00:10:55,422
WOMAN:
Your shrimp po' boys.

275
00:10:55,522 --> 00:10:56,857
LOUIS:
Wait, was this the night we met?

276
00:10:56,957 --> 00:10:59,092
JESSICA: Yes.
Then it wasn't shrimp,
it was octopus.

277
00:10:59,192 --> 00:11:01,528
No, it was shrimp.
No, it was octopus.

278
00:11:01,628 --> 00:11:03,163
It was the night we met.
I wouldn't forget.

279
00:11:03,263 --> 00:11:05,098
You know what,
I am so sick and tired

280
00:11:05,198 --> 00:11:07,167
of men always changing
a woman's narrative,

281
00:11:07,267 --> 00:11:08,501
just like Joan of Arc.

282
00:11:08,601 --> 00:11:10,170
What does Joan of Arc
have --

283
00:11:10,270 --> 00:11:12,205
Jessica, they were octopus

284
00:11:12,305 --> 00:11:13,841
because that's why
we both got food poisoning

285
00:11:13,941 --> 00:11:15,208
and met in the bathroom line,

286
00:11:15,308 --> 00:11:16,777
and I know for a fact
that it was octopus

287
00:11:16,877 --> 00:11:19,079
because Olivia Yang had
just dumped me that morning

288
00:11:19,179 --> 00:11:21,782
and she was allergic to octopus,
so I never got to eat octopus,

289
00:11:21,882 --> 00:11:24,284
so my friend Barry took me out
to get octopus.

290
00:11:24,384 --> 00:11:28,355
You told me Olivia Yang was
your girlfriend in Taiwan.

291
00:11:28,455 --> 00:11:31,725
You dated her here
in America

292
00:11:31,825 --> 00:11:35,428
up until the day we met?

293
00:11:35,528 --> 00:11:38,531
Men.
Changing the narrative.

294
00:11:38,631 --> 00:11:40,267
What are we gonna do?

295
00:11:40,367 --> 00:11:42,102
Mom and Dad
are gonna murder us.

296
00:11:42,202 --> 00:11:44,972
We'll set the car on fire
and blame it on vandals.

297
00:11:45,072 --> 00:11:46,606
Or even better --
hobos!

298
00:11:46,706 --> 00:11:49,309
You know Mom hates hobos.
She's always saying that.

299
00:11:52,045 --> 00:11:54,147
I think we should just run away
and find a new family.

300
00:11:54,247 --> 00:11:57,250
If we split up, we'll have a
better chance of being adopted.

301
00:11:57,350 --> 00:12:01,755
Or we can call AAA
to come and unlock the car.

302
00:12:01,855 --> 00:12:05,292
Evan, I know we've had
our differences in the past,

303
00:12:05,392 --> 00:12:06,994
but you're the real MVP.

304
00:12:07,094 --> 00:12:08,061
Do I get a trophy?

305
00:12:08,161 --> 00:12:10,497
No. You get this.

306
00:12:10,597 --> 00:12:12,766
This moment right here.

307
00:12:12,866 --> 00:12:14,902
I'll take it.

308
00:12:16,569 --> 00:12:17,737
Now who's keeping secrets?

309
00:12:17,838 --> 00:12:19,006
All those years,

310
00:12:19,106 --> 00:12:20,974
you said you fell in love
with me at first sight.

311
00:12:21,074 --> 00:12:22,675
I did! I wasn't lying.

312
00:12:22,776 --> 00:12:24,111
It just happened to coincide

313
00:12:24,211 --> 00:12:26,246
with Olivia Yang
falling out of love with me.

314
00:12:26,346 --> 00:12:27,280
Why didn't you tell me?

315
00:12:27,380 --> 00:12:29,182
I was worried
it would scare you off.

316
00:12:29,282 --> 00:12:30,417
Why?
Because she dumped you?

317
00:12:30,517 --> 00:12:33,186
And I'm a dumped man's
rebound bride.

318
00:12:33,286 --> 00:12:34,955
Jessica,
if you're just a rebound,

319
00:12:35,055 --> 00:12:37,157
why would I have proposed to you
so many times?

320
00:12:37,257 --> 00:12:40,127
I don't know, maybe that's
a question for Olivia Yang!

321
00:12:40,227 --> 00:12:44,164
Okay, how's about we get back to
that Extraordinary Ability Visa?

322
00:12:44,264 --> 00:12:48,501
So, I went down to the
immigration office in Baltimore

323
00:12:48,601 --> 00:12:51,538
to apply in person.

324
00:12:51,638 --> 00:12:52,705
How can I help you?

325
00:12:52,806 --> 00:12:54,374
DOUG: Oh, my God,
you put me in it?

326
00:12:54,474 --> 00:12:55,708
JESSICA:
No, it's your brother.

327
00:12:55,809 --> 00:12:59,012
DOUG: Of course it is.
Everybody loves Jeremy.

328
00:12:59,112 --> 00:13:01,714
I am here to apply for my
Extraordinary Ability Visa.

329
00:13:01,815 --> 00:13:03,016
Where is your pianist?

330
00:13:03,116 --> 00:13:05,118
I will need he or she
to accompany me.

331
00:13:05,218 --> 00:13:08,488
There is no pianist.
Okay. A cappella then.

332
00:13:10,490 --> 00:13:12,826
* Listen to the wind blow

333
00:13:12,926 --> 00:13:17,364
* Watch the sunrise

334
00:13:20,800 --> 00:13:23,570
* Run in the shadows

335
00:13:23,670 --> 00:13:25,805
* Damn your love,
damn your lies *

336
00:13:25,906 --> 00:13:27,040
Ma'am, ma'am.

337
00:13:27,140 --> 00:13:29,376
That's not what we're looking
for here.

338
00:13:29,476 --> 00:13:31,511
No problem.
I've got more.

339
00:13:33,646 --> 00:13:36,917
Oh, boy.
(throwing voice)
* And if you don't love me now

340
00:13:37,017 --> 00:13:39,752
* You will never
love me again *

341
00:13:39,853 --> 00:13:44,691
* I can still hear you sayin'
you would never break the *

342
00:13:44,791 --> 00:13:48,595
(normal voice)
* Never break the chain

343
00:13:48,695 --> 00:13:50,363
Ma'am,
this isn't "Star Search."

344
00:13:50,463 --> 00:13:53,400
In order to qualify for an
Extraordinary Ability Visa,

345
00:13:53,500 --> 00:13:55,735
you need to prove
this is your paid profession --

346
00:13:55,835 --> 00:13:57,604
awards, letters
from noteworthy peers,

347
00:13:57,704 --> 00:13:58,838
articles written about you.

348
00:13:58,939 --> 00:14:00,340
But I don't have
any of those things

349
00:14:00,440 --> 00:14:02,009
and my Student Visa runs out
in a week.

350
00:14:02,109 --> 00:14:03,911
I have no other way of staying
in this country.

351
00:14:04,011 --> 00:14:06,279
I'm sorry.
That's not my problem.

352
00:14:10,550 --> 00:14:12,619
**

353
00:14:12,719 --> 00:14:16,189
JESSICA:
I was so upset, I cried all
the way back to my dorm room.

354
00:14:18,791 --> 00:14:20,760
I know you've said no
five times already,

355
00:14:20,894 --> 00:14:22,262
but I'm gonna keep asking.

356
00:14:22,362 --> 00:14:24,965
Will you marry me?

357
00:14:25,065 --> 00:14:27,634
Yes.
I will marry you.

358
00:14:27,734 --> 00:14:29,436
(chuckles)
LOUIS: Wait.

359
00:14:29,536 --> 00:14:32,072
You had just gotten rejected
for your Visa

360
00:14:32,172 --> 00:14:34,307
right before
you finally said yes?

361
00:14:34,407 --> 00:14:37,277
Did you only agree to marry me
so you could get a green card?

362
00:14:37,377 --> 00:14:39,980
Yes. Obviously, yes.

363
00:14:40,080 --> 00:14:41,814
Dude.

364
00:14:48,255 --> 00:14:50,157
You married me
for a green card?

365
00:14:50,257 --> 00:14:52,292
It's not that big of a deal.
I liked you and everything.

366
00:14:52,392 --> 00:14:53,726
Liked me?

367
00:14:53,826 --> 00:14:55,628
I fell in love with you
the first moment we met.

368
00:14:55,728 --> 00:14:57,630
I thought our love story
was one for the ages.

369
00:14:57,730 --> 00:14:59,967
Now I'm finding out I was just
a marriage of convenience.

370
00:15:00,067 --> 00:15:01,268
What? I'm practical.

371
00:15:01,368 --> 00:15:02,302
You love that about me.

372
00:15:02,402 --> 00:15:04,571
I like that about you.

373
00:15:04,671 --> 00:15:05,838
(sighs)

374
00:15:05,939 --> 00:15:09,276
**

375
00:15:12,312 --> 00:15:13,480
Thank you so much.

376
00:15:13,580 --> 00:15:17,517
And thank you, sir, for your
seven years of membership.

377
00:15:17,617 --> 00:15:19,086
You've been a member
since you were 2?

378
00:15:19,186 --> 00:15:21,588
I wanted to join earlier,
but I didn't know how to talk

379
00:15:21,688 --> 00:15:23,156
and make my wishes known
to Mom.

380
00:15:23,256 --> 00:15:25,025
Hmm.
Well,
you guys are all set,

381
00:15:25,125 --> 00:15:26,826
as long as you didn't make
any changes in the car.

382
00:15:26,926 --> 00:15:29,529
You know, adjust the seats,
change the radio presets,

383
00:15:29,629 --> 00:15:30,830
move the mirrors --

384
00:15:30,930 --> 00:15:34,001
things the car's primary driver
would notice immediately.

385
00:15:34,101 --> 00:15:36,169
We'll see you later,
boys.

386
00:15:36,269 --> 00:15:38,505
**

387
00:15:38,605 --> 00:15:40,673
* Fresh from the meadow
with a mellow attitude *

388
00:15:40,773 --> 00:15:42,976
* I was plannin' to pursue
another quest for the bus *

389
00:15:43,076 --> 00:15:45,212
* I had to go to San Fran, it's
something that I can't stand *

390
00:15:45,312 --> 00:15:47,280
* It's beggin' for a ride
with ma dukes makes a fuss *

391
00:15:47,380 --> 00:15:49,716
* I don't like fussin'
so I ask my older cousin *

392
00:15:49,816 --> 00:15:50,883
* Could he maybe find time
to give the D-E-L a lift *

393
00:15:50,984 --> 00:15:53,220
98.3, Smooth Jazz.

394
00:15:53,320 --> 00:15:55,622
99.8, Cool Jazz.

395
00:15:55,722 --> 00:15:58,658
102.2,
Drive Time Classic Jazz.

396
00:15:58,758 --> 00:16:00,527
* Had to get off
and walk 15 blocks *

397
00:16:00,627 --> 00:16:02,562
(Car horn honks
in distance)

398
00:16:02,662 --> 00:16:06,533
**

399
00:16:06,633 --> 00:16:08,201
I've answered
all your questions.

400
00:16:08,301 --> 00:16:10,037
Can I please
just have my citizenship?

401
00:16:10,137 --> 00:16:12,539
I'm sorry it's taking
so much time, ma'am.

402
00:16:12,639 --> 00:16:15,075
Everything
seems to be in order.

403
00:16:17,010 --> 00:16:18,978
Hold that stamp!

404
00:16:21,581 --> 00:16:23,850
(whispers indistinctly)

405
00:16:23,950 --> 00:16:26,753
Mrs. Huang, I need to ask you
a few more questions

406
00:16:26,853 --> 00:16:28,921
regarding
your criminal record.

407
00:16:29,022 --> 00:16:30,223
I'll take a rack of ribs.

408
00:16:30,323 --> 00:16:31,391
(whispering) What the hell did
he mean criminal record?!

409
00:16:31,491 --> 00:16:33,193
There was a small
misunderstanding.

410
00:16:33,293 --> 00:16:34,927
Simple property damage
a long time ago.

411
00:16:35,028 --> 00:16:36,829
Statute of limitations
have passed.

412
00:16:36,929 --> 00:16:41,000
Here we go.
Just a little stamp, stamp.

413
00:16:41,101 --> 00:16:42,335
Stamp.
No.

414
00:16:42,435 --> 00:16:43,370
(grunts)

415
00:16:43,470 --> 00:16:44,837
I'm sorry.

416
00:16:44,937 --> 00:16:47,774
I have to know the details
or I can't approve your file.

417
00:16:47,874 --> 00:16:48,941
Okay.

418
00:16:49,042 --> 00:16:50,243
I'll tell you.

419
00:16:50,343 --> 00:16:52,612
It was a hot night
in Brooklyn,

420
00:16:52,712 --> 00:16:54,714
and racial tensions
were boiling over.

421
00:16:57,184 --> 00:16:59,619
LOUIS: A trash can through
the window of Sal's Pizzeria?

422
00:16:59,719 --> 00:17:01,621
That's from
"Do the Right Thing."

423
00:17:01,721 --> 00:17:04,924
Yes, and that is so much worse
than what I did.

424
00:17:07,527 --> 00:17:09,696
Fellas, I think we did it.

425
00:17:09,796 --> 00:17:11,631
Seriously,
if we get away with this,

426
00:17:11,731 --> 00:17:13,466
I'm never getting behind
the wheel of a car again.

427
00:17:13,566 --> 00:17:15,202
Not even a Yukon
with rims?

428
00:17:15,302 --> 00:17:17,904
Well, yeah. I mean,
a Yukon with rims, obviously.

429
00:17:18,004 --> 00:17:19,406
I'm only human, man.

430
00:17:29,249 --> 00:17:31,251
(screams)

431
00:17:35,322 --> 00:17:36,923
(sniffs)
Lavender.

432
00:17:45,232 --> 00:17:46,166
Apricot.

433
00:17:46,266 --> 00:17:47,900
No. Leather.

434
00:17:48,000 --> 00:17:48,968
No.

435
00:17:49,068 --> 00:17:52,105
My sinuses!
I can't do this.

436
00:18:02,982 --> 00:18:05,252
(all sigh)

437
00:18:08,155 --> 00:18:09,256
Driftwood.

438
00:18:11,090 --> 00:18:12,992
(laughs)

439
00:18:15,094 --> 00:18:16,363
Mrs. Huang, I need to know

440
00:18:16,463 --> 00:18:17,697
about the criminal incident
in your file.

441
00:18:17,797 --> 00:18:20,099
It was just
simple property damage.

442
00:18:20,200 --> 00:18:21,534
Can we please move on?

443
00:18:21,634 --> 00:18:23,470
No. I want to know
what happened.

444
00:18:23,570 --> 00:18:25,438
Fine.

445
00:18:27,640 --> 00:18:30,277
It was the night we met.

446
00:18:30,377 --> 00:18:32,279
I don't think I can ever eat
octopus again.

447
00:18:32,379 --> 00:18:35,382
Poisoning us was its last
and best defense.

448
00:18:35,482 --> 00:18:38,651
So, uh, yeah, call me.
I'd love to go out sometime.

449
00:18:38,751 --> 00:18:39,786
I'll give you my number.

450
00:18:39,886 --> 00:18:41,521
It's 555...

451
00:18:41,621 --> 00:18:44,291
Um, do you want a pen or
something to write this down?

452
00:18:44,391 --> 00:18:46,058
No, I'll remember it.

453
00:18:46,159 --> 00:18:51,063
Right.
Well, it's, um, 555-0193.

454
00:18:51,164 --> 00:18:53,333
Great. Thanks.

455
00:18:53,433 --> 00:18:56,403
**

456
00:19:03,476 --> 00:19:05,011
Do you have a pen?
I need a pen.

457
00:19:05,111 --> 00:19:07,013
I just met the man
I'm going to marry

458
00:19:07,113 --> 00:19:09,749
and I need to write down
his number before I forget it.

459
00:19:09,849 --> 00:19:12,585
But that's
permanent marker.

460
00:19:12,685 --> 00:19:14,754
Hey!
You're destroying my property!

461
00:19:14,854 --> 00:19:18,558
Oh, please, it's just
a piece of an old canoe.

462
00:19:18,658 --> 00:19:22,662
You wrote my number
on a restaurant canoe so
you wouldn't forget it?

463
00:19:22,762 --> 00:19:25,198
You loved me
at first sight!

464
00:19:25,298 --> 00:19:26,533
(sighs)
I'm so embarrassed.

465
00:19:26,633 --> 00:19:28,901
All these years, you were acting
like you weren't a romantic,

466
00:19:29,001 --> 00:19:31,738
yet really, you fell in love
with me at first sight.

467
00:19:31,838 --> 00:19:33,105
Louis, stop saying it!

468
00:19:33,206 --> 00:19:35,107
But wait, if you knew you wanted
to marry me

469
00:19:35,208 --> 00:19:36,743
from
the first moment we met,

470
00:19:36,843 --> 00:19:39,546
why did you say no all those
other times I proposed to you?

471
00:19:39,646 --> 00:19:43,082
Because I wanted to enter
the marriage on equal footing.

472
00:19:43,182 --> 00:19:45,184
Get my Visa situation
sorted out first

473
00:19:45,285 --> 00:19:46,619
so that when I did say yes,

474
00:19:46,719 --> 00:19:49,088
you wouldn't think
that I was just marrying you

475
00:19:49,188 --> 00:19:51,291
for a green card.

476
00:19:51,391 --> 00:19:53,760
When I got denied that day,
I didn't have a choice.

477
00:19:53,893 --> 00:19:55,127
It was either marry you

478
00:19:55,228 --> 00:19:58,631
or get deported
and never see you again.

479
00:19:58,731 --> 00:20:00,433
I wasn't gonna do that.

480
00:20:03,803 --> 00:20:07,874
This right here --
this is why I do the job.

481
00:20:07,974 --> 00:20:09,809
Well,
I have everything I need.

482
00:20:09,909 --> 00:20:14,213
Jessica Huang, your application
for naturalization is approved.

483
00:20:14,314 --> 00:20:15,615
Congratulations, you two.

484
00:20:15,715 --> 00:20:17,717
Oh, thank you!
(laughs)

485
00:20:22,989 --> 00:20:24,223
Oh, let me help.

486
00:20:24,324 --> 00:20:27,660
Baby, let's go fill up the
Accord with cheap, cheap gas.

487
00:20:27,760 --> 00:20:28,761
Louis.
(chuckles)

488
00:20:36,903 --> 00:20:40,573
They gave me a pocket copy
of the Constitution.

489
00:20:40,673 --> 00:20:41,741
Swear on it.

490
00:20:41,841 --> 00:20:44,311
Swear that you will never
tell the boys my secret.

491
00:20:44,411 --> 00:20:46,145
That you have
a criminal record?

492
00:20:46,245 --> 00:20:49,782
Yes, and also that I...
you know...

493
00:20:49,882 --> 00:20:50,983
Fell in love with me
at first sight?

494
00:20:51,083 --> 00:20:52,319
Yes.

495
00:20:52,419 --> 00:20:54,687
And also the teacher thing.
Especially the teacher thing.

496
00:20:56,789 --> 00:20:59,492
Okay, everyone,
we're ready to begin.

497
00:20:59,592 --> 00:21:02,194
TOGETHER:
I hereby declare on oath

498
00:21:02,295 --> 00:21:05,131
that I will support and defend
the Constitution

499
00:21:05,231 --> 00:21:07,800
and laws
of the United States of America

500
00:21:07,900 --> 00:21:11,170
against all enemies
foreign and domestic.

501
00:21:11,270 --> 00:21:15,508
That I will bear true faith
and allegiance to the same.

502
00:21:15,608 --> 00:21:20,347
And that I take this obligation
freely, so help me God.

503
00:21:20,447 --> 00:21:23,049
Welcome, all of you
new American citizens.

504
00:21:23,149 --> 00:21:26,653
(cheers and applause)

505
00:21:34,060 --> 00:21:36,663
-- Captions by VITA --