(sighs)
**
We've been here all day. I've answered all of your questions.
Can I please just have my citizenship?
I'm sorry it's taking so much time, ma'am.
Everything seems to be in order.
Hold that stamp!
(whispers indistinctly)
Mrs. Huang, I need to ask you a few more questions
regarding your criminal record.
(whispers indistinctly)
Right now? Mm-hmm.
Can it wait?
Well, what did Sandy order for lunch?
(whispers indistinctly)
All right, I'll just have what Sandy's having.
No, you know what?
I'll take a rack of ribs.
* Fresh off the boat
* I'm gettin' mine everywhere I go *
* If you don't know, homey, now you know *
* Fresh off the boat
* Homey, you don't know where I come from *
* But I know where I'm goin'
* I'm fresh off the boat
Which one? The blue one.
They're both blue. I made my choice.
I just want to look perfect for your citizenship interview.
This is a big moment for you.
You're like an immigrant caterpillar,
and now you'll be an American butterfly.
Why must every single moment of our lives be so sentimental?
Getting my citizenship, moving to Orlando, Eddie's first word.
Which was "thug life," by the way.
I'm gonna need you to confirm that if anyone from school asks.
I still don't understand
how Mom is not a citizen if I'm a citizen.
Because you boys were born here.
And I'm a citizen because
I applied for the green card lottery and then I naturalized.
And after that, I sponsored Grandma,
who also then naturalized to become a citizen.
And now she gets to stay here forever.
But your mom is a permanent resident with a green card.
Remember when we got your green card?
How they took us into separate gray rooms
and grilled us about how we met.
Tell us the story of how you guys met again.
It's my favorite love story, after "My Girl," of course.
Emery, please, don't get him started.
It was a crisp autumn day. (sighs)
We went to the same college but didn't even know it
until the rotten octopus of fate
reached out its food-poisoned tentacles
and pulled us together.
It was love at first sight.
For you, maybe.
I was busy being sick from the waist down.
After an explosive start and a lengthy courtship,
she finally accepted my proposal.
I know you've said no five times already,
but I'm gonna keep asking.
Will you marry me?
Yes. I will marry you.
It was magical.
Even your mom was a little teary.
The ring was pinching my finger.
We took the world by storm.
We bought a mini van.
Because I wanted so many kids.
I told him shop closed after two.
So what made you decide to have me?
White wine. And now here we are.
Why do you have to romanticize everything?
You proposed several times, I said no,
you wore me down, I said yes.
True love is worth fighting for.
(sighs) See? You're doing it again.
Déjà vu.
Just don't tell these stories in the interview.
I want it to go quick.
The immigration office is on the bad side of town,
so I want to hit the 99-cent store
and then fill up the Accord with the cheap, cheap gas.
Why aren't you dressed for school?
Oh, we're not going to school today.
Why do you test me like this?
Three words. Teacher training day.
Another one?
How many days off a year do these fat-cat teachers get?
Well, it's important that they train.
Oh, let's see.
When's another time they could possibly train?
Oh, maybe during the entire summer that they get off.
It's -- Okay, okay, we're gonna be late for your appointment.
Let's go. Ma, we're gonna be gone all day.
Can you keep an eye on the boys?
Just pretend like you don't understand Mandarin
and back away.
(sighs)
**
What is this?
We're getting a jump on what we think next week's homework will be.
We're just guessing.
You guys need to learn how to dream.
How often do we get a day off of school
and Mom and Dad are out of the house?
Never.
Eddie's right.
How about after math,
we reward ourselves with a little cheese string par-tay?
I can't eat cheese,
but I'll pretend to smoke it like a cigar.
First of all, I finished all the string cheese.
Second, you need to think bigger.
This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
We're gonna take Mom and Dad's mini van for a ride.
(gasps) Are you crazy?
You know Grandma's home.
She's neck deep in perfume.
She'll be in her room all day.
But none of us even know how to drive.
Evan, you know I'm an amazing driver.
You've seen me play Mario Kart.
Scoreboard don't lie, son.
He does always banana my red shells.
Come on. Brothers road trip?
I guess I will build some memories, like the Hardy Boys.
And we can go to Hardee's.
(sighs) I don't know.
You can use your AAA card for discounts on the road.
I'll grab my motion-sickness pills.
**
Mrs. Huang, Mr. Huang.
Cheese.
Actually, photography is prohibited.
This is a government building. You understand.
Oh, right. Of course I understand. (camera clicks)
All right, let's get this going.
I already submitted the forms
and pre-paid the processing fee a week ago.
Also, I put $1 into the meter.
I only have 45 minutes and I will not go over.
Well, that should be plenty of time.
We just need you to confirm
some of the information we have on file.
Yes, love to. First question.
Okay, it says here your first entry into the U.S.
was on a Student Visa.
Correct. Business major, Maryland College.
Second question. Business?
I would've thought it would've been teaching.
Ha! As if.
Is that from "Clueless"?
Did you know that is a playful reimagining
of Jane Austen's "Emma"?
Whatever. (laughs)
I'm just laughing because Jessica hates teachers.
It says here her first job in this country was teaching.
Oh, is that all the questions?
Great, let's just wrap this up with the pledge of allegiance.
I, Jessica, take you, the United States of America,
as my lawfully wedded... country.
You were a teacher?
You told me your first job was selling sandwiches at Orioles games.
Hey, if you believed that, then that's on you.
For as long as I've known you, you've hated teachers.
Louis, you have to understand, I was young, desperate.
I didn't know what I was getting myself into.
What happened?
My Student Visa was about to expire
and I had to find a way to stay in this country,
and one of my professors
told me about a Specialty Occupation Visa.
Means if you're in a profession that the U.S. has a shortage of,
you can stay in the country. I know that, Doug.
And it just so happens that one of those professions...
is teacher.
JESSICA: It was my first day,
and Honey was giving me a tour of the teacher's lounge.
I saw Mitch, Marvin, and Deidre at the bar cart.
I just want to make it clear that those are the names of our current friends and neighbors,
not the real people involved.
Basically all white people look the same to her.
Yeah, I get it.
People mix up me and my brother all the time.
That's why I started wearing contact lenses.
So, anyway, Honey was showing me how to whip up a Sanka.
And you just stir it right in.
Astronauts call it brown Tang.
(school bell rings)
Aren't you gonna be late for your classes?
No, we have a 20-minute grace period.
40 if it's sunny out.
Yeah, let's be honest.
These kids don't want to learn and we don't want to teach.
We just want to make it to 3:00 p.m.
What happens at 3:00 p.m.?
That's when we turn on some Jimmy Buffet
and get straight-up blasted!
(evil laughter)
(distorted laughter)
It was at that moment I realized
that I could never be part of such a corrupt profession.
I quit right then and there.
It says here you were fired for spanking a child.
Well, if you knew that, why did you let me keep talking?
You spanked a child?
Spanking is a strong word.
It was a gentle tap over the pants.
I thought I knew everything about you.
You were a teacher.
I did what I had to do to survive.
Teach advanced calculus.
Says here you taught drama.
Damn you, Doug!
**
* Just another...day for Dre, so I begin like this *
* No medallions, dreadlocks, or black fists *
* It's just that gangster glare, with gangster raps *
* That gangster...that makes the gang of snaps, uhh *
I got Hot 104 locked on all five presets
in case one loses reception.
Look, a nap zone.
Emery, I know we've had our differences over the years,
but sometimes you really feel me, dawg.
Hold onto your butts, fellas.
It says here that AAA members get 5% off at Wet 'n Wild!
Oh, what?!
You know I'm about that Lazy River life!
Okay, so we'll start at the mall, pick up Alison,
and then loop back to the dry cleaners,
helping Mom,
and instead of stopping for lunch,
we'll just fire up the hibachi.
Then we'll end the day at Wet 'n Wild
with a hard chill in the Surf Lagoon.
Let's go!
* As I dip a...trip to the South Side, yeah *
* Rollin' in my six-fo'
* With all the...sayin'
Wait!
We need our bathing suits for Wet 'n Wild.
My swimmies!
(screams)
Oh, no! No! No! No! No! No! No!
Guys, it's fine.
I took the parking brake off
and it must've rolled into the street.
No bigs.
Where'd I put the keys?
Crap.
(door handle rattles)
(screams)
DOUG: Okay, after teaching didn't work out,
it says your next application
was for an Extraordinary Ability Visa.
Yes, that's right.
I was sitting with my college roommate, Honey --
Wait, I thought Honey was a teacher at the school you -- oh.
White people all the same. Got it.
Jessica, I am so sorry the teaching thing didn't work out.
It's a blessing in disguise.
Why should I waste my talent and my work ethic
on a lowly Specialty Occupation Visa
when really I should have...
an Extraordinary Ability Visa.
Oh.
"For someone who possesses superior talents
that enrich our nation."
What kind of superior talents do you have?
What kind don't I have?
Acting, singing, puppeteering.
WOMAN: Your shrimp po' boys.
LOUIS: Wait, was this the night we met?
JESSICA: Yes. Then it wasn't shrimp, it was octopus.
No, it was shrimp. No, it was octopus.
It was the night we met. I wouldn't forget.
You know what, I am so sick and tired
of men always changing a woman's narrative,
just like Joan of Arc.
What does Joan of Arc have --
Jessica, they were octopus
because that's why we both got food poisoning
and met in the bathroom line,
and I know for a fact that it was octopus
because Olivia Yang had just dumped me that morning
and she was allergic to octopus, so I never got to eat octopus,
so my friend Barry took me out to get octopus.
You told me Olivia Yang was your girlfriend in Taiwan.
You dated her here in America
up until the day we met?
Men. Changing the narrative.
What are we gonna do?
Mom and Dad are gonna murder us.
We'll set the car on fire and blame it on vandals.
Or even better -- hobos!
You know Mom hates hobos. She's always saying that.
I think we should just run away and find a new family.
If we split up, we'll have a better chance of being adopted.
Or we can call AAA to come and unlock the car.
Evan, I know we've had our differences in the past,
but you're the real MVP.
Do I get a trophy?
No. You get this.
This moment right here.
I'll take it.
Now who's keeping secrets?
All those years,
you said you fell in love with me at first sight.
I did! I wasn't lying.
It just happened to coincide
with Olivia Yang falling out of love with me.
Why didn't you tell me?
I was worried it would scare you off.
Why? Because she dumped you?
And I'm a dumped man's rebound bride.
Jessica, if you're just a rebound,
why would I have proposed to you so many times?
I don't know, maybe that's a question for Olivia Yang!
Okay, how's about we get back to that Extraordinary Ability Visa?
So, I went down to the immigration office in Baltimore
to apply in person.
How can I help you?
DOUG: Oh, my God, you put me in it?
JESSICA: No, it's your brother.
DOUG: Of course it is. Everybody loves Jeremy.
I am here to apply for my Extraordinary Ability Visa.
Where is your pianist?
I will need he or she to accompany me.
There is no pianist. Okay. A cappella then.
* Listen to the wind blow
* Watch the sunrise
* Run in the shadows
* Damn your love, damn your lies *
Ma'am, ma'am.
That's not what we're looking for here.
No problem. I've got more.
Oh, boy. (throwing voice) * And if you don't love me now
* You will never love me again *
* I can still hear you sayin' you would never break the *
(normal voice) * Never break the chain
Ma'am, this isn't "Star Search."
In order to qualify for an Extraordinary Ability Visa,
you need to prove this is your paid profession --
awards, letters from noteworthy peers,
articles written about you.
But I don't have any of those things
and my Student Visa runs out in a week.
I have no other way of staying in this country.
I'm sorry. That's not my problem.
**
JESSICA: I was so upset, I cried all the way back to my dorm room.
I know you've said no five times already,
but I'm gonna keep asking.
Will you marry me?
Yes. I will marry you.
(chuckles) LOUIS: Wait.
You had just gotten rejected for your Visa
right before you finally said yes?
Did you only agree to marry me so you could get a green card?
Yes. Obviously, yes.
Dude.
You married me for a green card?
It's not that big of a deal. I liked you and everything.
Liked me?
I fell in love with you the first moment we met.
I thought our love story was one for the ages.
Now I'm finding out I was just a marriage of convenience.
What? I'm practical.
You love that about me.
I like that about you.
(sighs)
**
Thank you so much.
And thank you, sir, for your seven years of membership.
You've been a member since you were 2?
I wanted to join earlier, but I didn't know how to talk
and make my wishes known to Mom.
Hmm. Well, you guys are all set,
as long as you didn't make any changes in the car.
You know, adjust the seats, change the radio presets,
move the mirrors --
things the car's primary driver would notice immediately.
We'll see you later, boys.
**
* Fresh from the meadow with a mellow attitude *
* I was plannin' to pursue another quest for the bus *
* I had to go to San Fran, it's something that I can't stand *
* It's beggin' for a ride with ma dukes makes a fuss *
* I don't like fussin' so I ask my older cousin *
* Could he maybe find time to give the D-E-L a lift *
98.3, Smooth Jazz.
99.8, Cool Jazz.
102.2, Drive Time Classic Jazz.
* Had to get off and walk 15 blocks *
(Car horn honks in distance)
**
I've answered all your questions.
Can I please just have my citizenship?
I'm sorry it's taking so much time, ma'am.
Everything seems to be in order.
Hold that stamp!
(whispers indistinctly)
Mrs. Huang, I need to ask you a few more questions
regarding your criminal record.
I'll take a rack of ribs.
(whispering) What the hell did he mean criminal record?!
There was a small misunderstanding.
Simple property damage a long time ago.
Statute of limitations have passed.
Here we go. Just a little stamp, stamp.
Stamp. No.
(grunts)
I'm sorry.
I have to know the details or I can't approve your file.
Okay.
I'll tell you.
It was a hot night in Brooklyn,
and racial tensions were boiling over.
LOUIS: A trash can through the window of Sal's Pizzeria?
That's from "Do the Right Thing."
Yes, and that is so much worse than what I did.
Fellas, I think we did it.
Seriously, if we get away with this,
I'm never getting behind the wheel of a car again.
Not even a Yukon with rims?
Well, yeah. I mean, a Yukon with rims, obviously.
I'm only human, man.
(screams)
(sniffs) Lavender.
Apricot.
No. Leather.
No.
My sinuses! I can't do this.
(all sigh)
Driftwood.
(laughs)
Mrs. Huang, I need to know
about the criminal incident in your file.
It was just simple property damage.
Can we please move on?
No. I want to know what happened.
Fine.
It was the night we met.
I don't think I can ever eat octopus again.
Poisoning us was its last and best defense.
So, uh, yeah, call me. I'd love to go out sometime.
I'll give you my number.
It's 555...
Um, do you want a pen or something to write this down?
No, I'll remember it.
Right. Well, it's, um, 555-0193.
Great. Thanks.
**
Do you have a pen? I need a pen.
I just met the man I'm going to marry
and I need to write down his number before I forget it.
But that's permanent marker.
Hey! You're destroying my property!
Oh, please, it's just a piece of an old canoe.
You wrote my number on a restaurant canoe so you wouldn't forget it?
You loved me at first sight!
(sighs) I'm so embarrassed.
All these years, you were acting like you weren't a romantic,
yet really, you fell in love with me at first sight.
Louis, stop saying it!
But wait, if you knew you wanted to marry me
from the first moment we met,
why did you say no all those other times I proposed to you?
Because I wanted to enter the marriage on equal footing.
Get my Visa situation sorted out first
so that when I did say yes,
you wouldn't think that I was just marrying you
for a green card.
When I got denied that day, I didn't have a choice.
It was either marry you
or get deported and never see you again.
I wasn't gonna do that.
This right here -- this is why I do the job.
Well, I have everything I need.
Jessica Huang, your application for naturalization is approved.
Congratulations, you two.
Oh, thank you! (laughs)
Oh, let me help.
Baby, let's go fill up the Accord with cheap, cheap gas.
Louis. (chuckles)
They gave me a pocket copy of the Constitution.
Swear on it.
Swear that you will never tell the boys my secret.
That you have a criminal record?
Yes, and also that I... you know...
Fell in love with me at first sight?
Yes.
And also the teacher thing. Especially the teacher thing.
Okay, everyone, we're ready to begin.
TOGETHER: I hereby declare on oath
that I will support and defend the Constitution
and laws of the United States of America
against all enemies foreign and domestic.
That I will bear true faith and allegiance to the same.
And that I take this obligation freely, so help me God.
Welcome, all of you new American citizens.
(cheers and applause)
-- Captions by VITA --