1 00:00:04,482 --> 00:00:05,527 Hi, Mommy. 2 00:00:05,657 --> 00:00:06,963 Today, my friend Zack 3 00:00:07,094 --> 00:00:09,139 tried to drink a large apple juice. 4 00:00:09,270 --> 00:00:11,011 It didn't end well. 5 00:00:11,141 --> 00:00:12,229 He peed himself. 6 00:00:12,360 --> 00:00:14,231 How close were you? Do we need to burn your shoes? 7 00:00:14,362 --> 00:00:15,319 [scoffs] 8 00:00:15,450 --> 00:00:17,060 Good. 9 00:00:17,191 --> 00:00:18,105 Look what I got you. 10 00:00:18,235 --> 00:00:22,109 My very own Costco membership card! 11 00:00:22,239 --> 00:00:23,501 Now when we go together on Sundays, 12 00:00:23,632 --> 00:00:26,026 you can enter six to eight paces ahead of me. 13 00:00:26,156 --> 00:00:28,289 Plus, when offers say "limit one per customer," 14 00:00:28,419 --> 00:00:30,552 guess who is two customers now. 15 00:00:30,682 --> 00:00:32,249 Hey, there's my friend Zack. 16 00:00:32,380 --> 00:00:33,598 You and me. The answer was you and me. 17 00:00:33,729 --> 00:00:36,079 Evan, they gave me a bag for my underwear! 18 00:00:36,210 --> 00:00:37,820 Bye. 19 00:00:41,171 --> 00:00:44,348 What does that mean -- WWJD? 20 00:00:44,479 --> 00:00:47,482 It stands for "What Would Jesus Do?" 21 00:00:47,612 --> 00:00:51,138 Or maybe it stands for "What Would Jessica Do?" 22 00:00:51,268 --> 00:00:52,530 [laughs] 23 00:00:52,661 --> 00:00:53,792 She would put that in a safe place, 24 00:00:53,923 --> 00:00:56,012 because a replacement card costs $16. 25 00:00:56,143 --> 00:00:57,753 [whistles] 26 00:00:58,928 --> 00:01:01,191 ♪♪ 27 00:01:01,322 --> 00:01:02,410 ♪ Fresh off the boat 28 00:01:02,540 --> 00:01:04,064 ♪ I'm gettin' mine everywhere I go ♪ 29 00:01:04,194 --> 00:01:06,196 ♪ If you don't know, homey, now you know ♪ 30 00:01:06,327 --> 00:01:07,545 ♪ Fresh off the boat 31 00:01:07,676 --> 00:01:10,157 ♪ Homey, you don't know where I come from ♪ 32 00:01:10,287 --> 00:01:11,419 ♪ But I know where I'm goin' 33 00:01:11,549 --> 00:01:14,291 ♪ I'm fresh off the boat 34 00:01:16,337 --> 00:01:19,818 Oh, and we need more dish soap. 35 00:01:19,949 --> 00:01:21,298 Let's get a barrel. 36 00:01:21,429 --> 00:01:22,821 When it's empty, I saw it in half -- 37 00:01:22,952 --> 00:01:24,171 two flower pots. 38 00:01:24,301 --> 00:01:25,302 Ooh! 39 00:01:25,433 --> 00:01:26,564 What a list. 40 00:01:26,695 --> 00:01:28,523 What a beautiful Costco shopping list. 41 00:01:28,653 --> 00:01:30,960 Oh, could you add Frosted Flakes? 42 00:01:31,091 --> 00:01:33,397 That would be grrrrreat! 43 00:01:34,311 --> 00:01:36,357 It's what the tiger on the box says. 44 00:01:36,487 --> 00:01:39,969 How does a tiger know more English than Grandma? 45 00:01:40,100 --> 00:01:42,189 Well, I think Honey and I are gonna head out. 46 00:01:42,319 --> 00:01:44,234 Saturday nights are when we remind ourselves 47 00:01:44,365 --> 00:01:46,280 that we're not just roommates. 48 00:01:46,410 --> 00:01:47,281 [both laugh] 49 00:01:47,411 --> 00:01:49,370 Okay, they didn't need to know that, sweetie. 50 00:01:49,500 --> 00:01:51,894 Oh, Louis, how much do I owe you? 51 00:01:52,024 --> 00:01:53,113 Oh, please, put away your wallet. 52 00:01:53,243 --> 00:01:54,070 It's on me. 53 00:01:54,201 --> 00:01:55,027 You sure? 54 00:01:55,158 --> 00:01:56,464 Yes, Louis, you sure? 55 00:01:56,594 --> 00:01:58,683 Absolutely. It's the friends discount. 56 00:01:58,814 --> 00:02:01,599 Oh, thanks, Lou. You know what? 57 00:02:01,730 --> 00:02:03,340 Why don't you stop by my dental office 58 00:02:03,471 --> 00:02:05,821 for a cleaning anytime, 59 00:02:05,951 --> 00:02:07,257 at the "friends price." 60 00:02:07,388 --> 00:02:09,041 I do have a little time on Sunday 61 00:02:09,172 --> 00:02:10,913 while Jessica and Evan are at Costco -- 62 00:02:11,043 --> 00:02:13,002 like five to eight hours. 63 00:02:13,133 --> 00:02:14,395 Done. I'll see you then. 64 00:02:14,525 --> 00:02:16,788 I think it's lovely you spend Saturday nights 65 00:02:16,919 --> 00:02:18,138 focused on your marriage. 66 00:02:18,268 --> 00:02:19,704 When I have a wife, 67 00:02:19,835 --> 00:02:21,880 I'm gonna touch butts with her every day. 68 00:02:23,317 --> 00:02:24,448 LOUIS: We, uh... 69 00:02:24,579 --> 00:02:26,711 We've been putting off "the talk." 70 00:02:26,842 --> 00:02:28,278 [chuckles] 71 00:02:28,409 --> 00:02:29,410 Ah. [chuckles] 72 00:02:32,413 --> 00:02:34,066 EVAN: Hey, Monica. 73 00:02:34,197 --> 00:02:35,329 Hey, Sam. 74 00:02:35,459 --> 00:02:36,808 Hey, Jason. 75 00:02:36,939 --> 00:02:38,158 [sighs] 76 00:02:38,288 --> 00:02:39,811 [indistinct talking] 77 00:02:39,942 --> 00:02:41,378 I feel so calm here, 78 00:02:41,509 --> 00:02:44,816 just knowing all the bulk deals are waiting. 79 00:02:47,254 --> 00:02:51,127 An entire case of mushroom soup for $4.99? 80 00:02:51,258 --> 00:02:54,086 Damn it, Costco, you've done it again. 81 00:02:58,395 --> 00:03:00,397 Ooh, can we get this? 82 00:03:00,528 --> 00:03:02,399 [high-pitched voice] ♪ It's not unusual 83 00:03:02,530 --> 00:03:05,054 ♪ To be loved by anyone 84 00:03:05,185 --> 00:03:06,882 That's silly. What would you even use that for? 85 00:03:07,012 --> 00:03:08,840 It's 80% off. We'll get two. 86 00:03:12,496 --> 00:03:15,107 Hey, Jessica! Evan! 87 00:03:15,238 --> 00:03:16,239 Don't wander far. 88 00:03:16,370 --> 00:03:18,372 I'm debuting a spicy-ranch spread. 89 00:03:18,502 --> 00:03:20,548 Hi, Marie. How's your cat, Sadie, doing? 90 00:03:20,678 --> 00:03:22,637 19 years old and still bringing me mouse heads, 91 00:03:22,767 --> 00:03:23,725 bless her heart. 92 00:03:27,119 --> 00:03:29,470 I like the cool, fiesta flavor.I don't like this, 93 00:03:29,600 --> 00:03:31,863 but it's free, so I will continue to chew. 94 00:03:31,994 --> 00:03:32,777 Mm, mm. 95 00:03:34,344 --> 00:03:35,127 [rapping] ♪ Me and my homies, we tighter than a glove ♪ 96 00:03:36,781 --> 00:03:37,913 ♪ We chop a lot of game is how we do at the playaz club ♪ 97 00:03:38,043 --> 00:03:39,306 ♪ Jump in the pool or kick it in the tub ♪ 98 00:03:39,436 --> 00:03:42,483 ♪ 'Cause we kick much ass at the playaz club ♪ 99 00:03:42,613 --> 00:03:44,746 ♪ Somethin' to roll to, somethin' to stroll to ♪ 100 00:03:44,876 --> 00:03:46,530 ♪ If you's a playa in the game, this will hold you ♪ 101 00:03:46,661 --> 00:03:49,577 ♪ Mo' money, mo' money for the bank roll ♪ 102 00:03:49,707 --> 00:03:52,144 ♪ Stick to the script, don't slip in the nine-fo ♪ 103 00:03:52,275 --> 00:03:54,451 ♪ You can't resist it, but don't get it twisted ♪ 104 00:03:54,582 --> 00:03:56,714 ♪ V.I.P., that means the number's not listed ♪ 105 00:03:56,845 --> 00:04:00,152 ♪ Membership is based on clout and how you carry yourself ♪ 106 00:04:00,283 --> 00:04:01,458 ♪ Now, homey, what you all about? ♪ 107 00:04:01,589 --> 00:04:02,372 ♪ I stack paper and kick it -- ♪ 108 00:04:02,503 --> 00:04:03,547 [crunch] 109 00:04:06,115 --> 00:04:07,725 ♪ Miss Goody-Two-Shoe, I see you later ♪ 110 00:04:07,856 --> 00:04:11,033 ♪ I ain't got time, you ain't nothin' but a playa hater ♪ 111 00:04:11,163 --> 00:04:13,383 ♪ Me and my homies, we tighter than a glove ♪ 112 00:04:13,514 --> 00:04:15,690 ♪ We chop a lot of game is how we do it at the playaz club ♪ 113 00:04:15,820 --> 00:04:17,213 Another great Sunday. 114 00:04:17,344 --> 00:04:19,476 And not too rough on the old pocketbook. 115 00:04:19,607 --> 00:04:20,695 Oh, by the way, 116 00:04:20,825 --> 00:04:23,437 my friend Zack wants to hang out next Sunday. 117 00:04:23,567 --> 00:04:25,047 Great, next Sunday's our toilet paper run. 118 00:04:25,177 --> 00:04:26,527 We could use the extra set of hands 119 00:04:26,657 --> 00:04:28,485 to help carry the 144-pack. 120 00:04:28,616 --> 00:04:30,618 Ooh, birthday cake. Whose birthday is it? 121 00:04:30,748 --> 00:04:32,010 Look at the price, Carmine. 122 00:04:32,141 --> 00:04:35,840 At 5 cents a cubic-inch, it's all our birthdays. 123 00:04:35,971 --> 00:04:36,928 [laughs] 124 00:04:39,931 --> 00:04:42,499 Oh, you did great. 125 00:04:42,630 --> 00:04:46,242 No cavities. Very little plaque. 126 00:04:46,373 --> 00:04:47,330 [muffled talking] 127 00:04:49,811 --> 00:04:50,855 [chuckles] 128 00:04:50,986 --> 00:04:51,813 That's true. 129 00:04:51,943 --> 00:04:53,118 Tooth plaque is bad, 130 00:04:53,249 --> 00:04:54,729 and the plaque you hang on the wall is good. 131 00:04:54,859 --> 00:04:55,773 I never thought of that. 132 00:04:55,904 --> 00:04:57,297 You're all done, buddy. 133 00:04:57,427 --> 00:04:58,385 Mm. 134 00:05:01,039 --> 00:05:03,303 Gah! What happened?! 135 00:05:03,433 --> 00:05:05,087 I threw a whitener into the fluoride treatment. 136 00:05:05,217 --> 00:05:06,523 The "friends price." 137 00:05:06,654 --> 00:05:07,742 You're welcome, pal. 138 00:05:07,872 --> 00:05:09,613 Huh, it's very bright. 139 00:05:09,744 --> 00:05:11,354 It's just, uh... 140 00:05:11,485 --> 00:05:13,487 very bright. 141 00:05:13,617 --> 00:05:14,966 You'll get used to it. 142 00:05:15,097 --> 00:05:18,492 Your teeth haven't been this clean since you were born. 143 00:05:18,622 --> 00:05:20,276 They're birth white. 144 00:05:20,407 --> 00:05:21,756 Trust me. Everyone's gonna love it. 145 00:05:21,886 --> 00:05:22,800 Aah! 146 00:05:23,845 --> 00:05:25,542 What happened to your teeth? 147 00:05:25,673 --> 00:05:27,849 Marvin snuck tooth whitener in. 148 00:05:27,979 --> 00:05:30,330 I should've bought those sunglasses. 149 00:05:30,460 --> 00:05:31,418 I didn't ask for this. 150 00:05:31,548 --> 00:05:32,984 Now I know how people who wake up in bathtubs 151 00:05:33,115 --> 00:05:36,553 without their kidneys feel -- violated. 152 00:05:36,684 --> 00:05:38,250 Clean but violated. 153 00:05:38,381 --> 00:05:39,556 Did you get it? 154 00:05:39,687 --> 00:05:41,471 Yes, I got your tiger sugar flakes. 155 00:05:41,602 --> 00:05:43,386 They're in the variety pack. 156 00:05:43,517 --> 00:05:45,997 Oh, Dad? Yes? 157 00:05:46,128 --> 00:05:46,998 Oh, sorry. 158 00:05:47,129 --> 00:05:48,304 That's my default way of speaking. 159 00:05:48,435 --> 00:05:51,089 I meant, "Ohh, Dad." 160 00:05:52,569 --> 00:05:54,441 Yes! 161 00:05:57,444 --> 00:05:58,488 Oh. 162 00:06:01,317 --> 00:06:03,841 It's not so bad. 163 00:06:03,972 --> 00:06:05,408 Give it a week. I'm sure it'll fade. 164 00:06:06,931 --> 00:06:08,890 Aah! 165 00:06:09,020 --> 00:06:10,587 It's like living with a lighthouse. 166 00:06:10,718 --> 00:06:12,502 [sighs] I feel like it's gaining strength. 167 00:06:12,633 --> 00:06:15,462 Mom, could you pick up some more Frosted Flakes today? 168 00:06:15,592 --> 00:06:16,506 Well, you still have the variety pack left. 169 00:06:16,637 --> 00:06:17,507 I'm not going to buy new cereal 170 00:06:18,856 --> 00:06:19,944 when there's still perfectly good cereal left. 171 00:06:20,075 --> 00:06:22,425 But the rooster on the box looks so serious. 172 00:06:24,253 --> 00:06:26,429 Finish these, then I'll buy more. 173 00:06:26,560 --> 00:06:28,823 Evan, come on, I want to get there early 174 00:06:28,953 --> 00:06:30,607 for the gas station fistfights! 175 00:06:30,738 --> 00:06:31,956 You know I love that. 176 00:06:33,567 --> 00:06:35,699 Why are you so dressed up? 177 00:06:35,830 --> 00:06:38,136 Is a guest author coming today? 178 00:06:38,267 --> 00:06:40,530 Is Dean Koontz coming back? 179 00:06:40,661 --> 00:06:42,532 Sorry, Mommy. I can't go to Costco today. 180 00:06:42,663 --> 00:06:44,447 Zack and his mom are picking me up. 181 00:06:44,578 --> 00:06:46,406 What do you mean? Where are you going? 182 00:06:46,536 --> 00:06:47,494 To church. 183 00:06:47,624 --> 00:06:49,147 ♪♪ 184 00:06:53,195 --> 00:06:54,326 Church? 185 00:06:54,457 --> 00:06:56,285 What do you mean "church"? 186 00:06:56,416 --> 00:06:58,505 Zack's always talking about it, and it sounds fun. 187 00:06:58,635 --> 00:07:01,116 Remember, I told you he wanted to hang out? 188 00:07:01,246 --> 00:07:02,422 [horn honks]That's them. 189 00:07:02,552 --> 00:07:03,945 Don't sit in the beanbag chairs 190 00:07:04,075 --> 00:07:06,600 without someone to pull you out. 191 00:07:11,169 --> 00:07:12,127 Church? 192 00:07:12,257 --> 00:07:13,520 Yeah, that was surprising. But why? 193 00:07:13,650 --> 00:07:16,000 He knows we're mostly lapsed Buddhists 194 00:07:16,131 --> 00:07:17,785 who believe in some Chinese superstition 195 00:07:17,915 --> 00:07:19,917 but also like Christmas but in a festive, 196 00:07:20,048 --> 00:07:21,528 not-religious way. 197 00:07:21,658 --> 00:07:24,444 He's probably just exploring. I went through a similar phase. 198 00:07:24,574 --> 00:07:25,923 I was raised Buddhist 199 00:07:26,054 --> 00:07:27,664 but wanted to see what else was out there. 200 00:07:27,795 --> 00:07:29,710 I almost converted to Mormonism. 201 00:07:29,840 --> 00:07:31,668 So, we give up coffee, 202 00:07:31,799 --> 00:07:33,496 and in exchange, we get a second wife? 203 00:07:37,413 --> 00:07:38,675 Hmm. 204 00:07:42,723 --> 00:07:45,552 Ultimately, I just love caffeine too much. 205 00:07:45,682 --> 00:07:47,554 Church. 206 00:07:47,684 --> 00:07:48,511 Why would he want to go there 207 00:07:48,642 --> 00:07:50,252 instead of to Costco with me? 208 00:07:50,382 --> 00:07:52,428 Jessica, don't worry. It's just one Sunday. 209 00:07:52,559 --> 00:07:53,603 You're right. 210 00:07:53,734 --> 00:07:55,431 You're right. It's just one Sunday. 211 00:07:55,562 --> 00:07:57,346 He's probably gonna be bored. 212 00:07:57,477 --> 00:07:59,957 It's fine. I'll just go to Costco alone. 213 00:08:00,088 --> 00:08:01,263 It's no big deal. 214 00:08:01,393 --> 00:08:02,525 If you want, I can go with you. 215 00:08:02,656 --> 00:08:05,441 Oh, uh, it's -- 216 00:08:05,572 --> 00:08:09,706 it's just that I know people there, and... 217 00:08:09,837 --> 00:08:11,229 You get it? 218 00:08:14,145 --> 00:08:17,235 Each one has a higher fiber content than the last. 219 00:08:17,366 --> 00:08:18,454 Zero sugars?! 220 00:08:18,585 --> 00:08:20,587 How does this even qualify as a cereal? 221 00:08:20,717 --> 00:08:22,240 [sighs] 222 00:08:22,371 --> 00:08:23,590 What if we put it in our pockets 223 00:08:23,720 --> 00:08:24,591 and slip it down our pant legs, 224 00:08:24,721 --> 00:08:26,157 like in "Shawshank Redemption"? 225 00:08:26,288 --> 00:08:27,071 Mom will find it. 226 00:08:27,202 --> 00:08:29,247 She always sniffs out wasted food. 227 00:08:29,378 --> 00:08:31,032 Remember when I didn't eat my pizza crusts? 228 00:08:36,254 --> 00:08:38,605 She can get real creative. 229 00:08:38,735 --> 00:08:40,650 That's what we need to do -- 230 00:08:40,781 --> 00:08:41,608 get creative. 231 00:08:41,738 --> 00:08:43,479 Rice Krispie Treats! 232 00:08:43,610 --> 00:08:45,655 If marshmallow and butter can make these taste good, 233 00:08:45,786 --> 00:08:47,614 they'll make all of these taste good. 234 00:08:47,744 --> 00:08:50,617 So, like a Bad Cereal Treat? 235 00:08:50,747 --> 00:08:53,707 Like a Bad-Ass Cereal Treat. 236 00:08:53,837 --> 00:08:55,622 Step aside. 237 00:08:55,752 --> 00:08:57,232 I'm gonna get my chef on.♪ Yeah 238 00:08:57,362 --> 00:08:59,495 I present to you... 239 00:08:59,626 --> 00:09:01,192 the B.A.C.T. -- 240 00:09:01,323 --> 00:09:02,977 the Bad-Ass Cereal Treat. 241 00:09:04,456 --> 00:09:06,110 [crunching] 242 00:09:10,332 --> 00:09:12,247 Is yours getting any smaller? 243 00:09:12,377 --> 00:09:13,770 No. 244 00:09:13,901 --> 00:09:14,641 We should just keep chewing. 245 00:09:20,821 --> 00:09:21,648 [Louis chuckling] 246 00:09:21,778 --> 00:09:23,345 Nope. It's just me. 247 00:09:23,475 --> 00:09:25,347 She's just making fun of my teeth again. 248 00:09:25,477 --> 00:09:27,218 Each time more hurtfully than the last. 249 00:09:27,349 --> 00:09:28,698 [laughs] 250 00:09:32,876 --> 00:09:34,486 ♪♪ 251 00:09:34,617 --> 00:09:37,707 ♪ Every time I think of you 252 00:09:37,838 --> 00:09:41,624 ♪ I always catch my breath 253 00:09:41,755 --> 00:09:45,715 ♪ And there's a heart that's breaking ♪ 254 00:09:45,846 --> 00:09:49,937 ♪ Down this long-distance line tonight ♪ 255 00:09:50,067 --> 00:09:52,722 ♪ I ain't missing you at all 256 00:09:52,853 --> 00:09:54,724 ♪ Missing you 257 00:09:54,855 --> 00:09:57,727 ♪ Since you've been gone 258 00:09:57,858 --> 00:09:59,337 ♪ Missing you ♪ You're away 259 00:09:59,468 --> 00:10:00,817 ♪ But I ain't missing you 260 00:10:00,948 --> 00:10:02,863 ♪ Missing you 261 00:10:02,993 --> 00:10:04,952 Help! Someone! 262 00:10:05,082 --> 00:10:07,302 ♪ No matter what... Assist! Ugh! 263 00:10:07,432 --> 00:10:08,520 ♪ ...all my friends say 264 00:10:08,651 --> 00:10:11,262 ♪ I ain't missing you at all 265 00:10:12,873 --> 00:10:16,528 ♪ I ain't missing you 266 00:10:16,659 --> 00:10:18,139 Ritz me, Marie. I've had a day. 267 00:10:18,269 --> 00:10:19,706 Where's Evan? 268 00:10:19,836 --> 00:10:21,838 Oh, no. You didn't lose him, did you? 269 00:10:21,969 --> 00:10:23,753 No. I didn't lose Evan. 270 00:10:23,884 --> 00:10:26,147 Although I might have. 271 00:10:26,277 --> 00:10:27,975 I just might have. 272 00:10:28,105 --> 00:10:30,630 What? Sorry. I got distracted. 273 00:10:30,760 --> 00:10:33,589 Bailey's wearing a tight smock again. 274 00:10:35,939 --> 00:10:36,853 ♪♪ 275 00:10:41,075 --> 00:10:42,772 Hello, Evan! 276 00:10:42,903 --> 00:10:43,860 [door closes] 277 00:10:43,991 --> 00:10:45,993 I forgot you were out. 278 00:10:46,123 --> 00:10:48,865 That's right. You had, uh, church. 279 00:10:48,996 --> 00:10:50,737 How was it? Boring? 280 00:10:50,867 --> 00:10:51,999 How boring was it? 281 00:10:52,129 --> 00:10:53,435 It wasn't boring at all. 282 00:10:53,565 --> 00:10:55,306 Everyone knows everyone. 283 00:10:55,437 --> 00:10:56,743 There's crackers and grape juice. 284 00:10:56,873 --> 00:10:59,397 They talk about values, and they tell stories. 285 00:10:59,528 --> 00:11:00,703 Like, once, there was this flood, 286 00:11:00,834 --> 00:11:03,663 so this man Noah decided to build a boat 287 00:11:03,793 --> 00:11:04,881 for all the animals. 288 00:11:05,012 --> 00:11:06,883 He built a boat by himself? 289 00:11:07,014 --> 00:11:09,320 Yeah, and he was 600 years old! 290 00:11:09,451 --> 00:11:10,626 What? 291 00:11:10,757 --> 00:11:13,150 And then he got two of every animal on Earth 292 00:11:13,281 --> 00:11:14,935 and sailed around for 40 days. 293 00:11:15,065 --> 00:11:16,414 Even snakes? 294 00:11:16,545 --> 00:11:18,025 Yeah, he saved every animal. 295 00:11:18,155 --> 00:11:19,548 You're telling me a man 296 00:11:19,679 --> 00:11:21,158 had the chance to let all the snakes drown, 297 00:11:21,289 --> 00:11:23,160 and instead, he put two of them on a boat? 298 00:11:23,291 --> 00:11:24,596 No, that's not real. 299 00:11:24,727 --> 00:11:25,946 Next Sunday, you should come with me. 300 00:11:26,076 --> 00:11:27,556 You can hear about it yourself. 301 00:11:27,687 --> 00:11:29,427 Wait. You're going back next Sunday? 302 00:11:29,558 --> 00:11:32,169 But Costco just got the big bags of rice in stock. 303 00:11:32,300 --> 00:11:33,780 We could put one on the bathroom scale 304 00:11:33,954 --> 00:11:35,912 and see if you weigh more than it yet. 305 00:11:36,043 --> 00:11:37,218 That does sound fun, 306 00:11:37,348 --> 00:11:39,350 but I think I'd rather go to church. 307 00:11:39,481 --> 00:11:41,701 Next week, there's a guitarist coming. 308 00:11:43,006 --> 00:11:44,834 ♪♪ 309 00:11:46,357 --> 00:11:49,621 Mmm. 310 00:11:49,752 --> 00:11:50,927 Oh, Louis, my friend, come over here 311 00:11:51,058 --> 00:11:52,059 and meet the old boys from dental school. 312 00:11:52,189 --> 00:11:54,409 [muffled] Hello. Nice to meet you. 313 00:11:54,539 --> 00:11:55,758 Oh, buddy. These burgers are so good. 314 00:11:55,889 --> 00:11:56,977 Great. Juicy. 315 00:11:57,107 --> 00:11:58,892 Perfect temp.Eh. 316 00:11:59,022 --> 00:12:00,632 Ah, don't mind Ted. 317 00:12:00,763 --> 00:12:01,938 You know how every ad says 318 00:12:02,069 --> 00:12:03,984 four out of five dentists recommend a product? 319 00:12:04,114 --> 00:12:05,463 He's that fifth guy. 320 00:12:05,594 --> 00:12:07,074 He can just never get on board. 321 00:12:07,204 --> 00:12:09,032 What can I say? I'm hard to please. 322 00:12:09,163 --> 00:12:10,381 [laughter] 323 00:12:10,512 --> 00:12:12,253 I gave Louis the cleaning of his life last week 324 00:12:12,383 --> 00:12:13,471 at the "friends price." 325 00:12:13,602 --> 00:12:16,213 Go ahead. Reveal that ivory curtain. 326 00:12:16,344 --> 00:12:19,434 Um...actually, I need to work the floor, so... 327 00:12:19,564 --> 00:12:20,696 Come on, now. Don't be shy. 328 00:12:20,827 --> 00:12:21,784 You look like a million bucks. 329 00:12:21,915 --> 00:12:22,742 No, I'm good. 330 00:12:22,872 --> 00:12:24,744 Come on. Smile. Smile. 331 00:12:24,874 --> 00:12:25,745 I don't want to smile. 332 00:12:25,875 --> 00:12:27,268 Smile! No! 333 00:12:27,398 --> 00:12:28,269 I never wanted this! 334 00:12:29,923 --> 00:12:32,621 You can't just change the color of a man's teeth without asking. 335 00:12:32,752 --> 00:12:34,754 Hey, I did you a favor, as a friend. 336 00:12:34,884 --> 00:12:37,060 I liked my old teeth hue. 337 00:12:37,191 --> 00:12:39,628 I gave you 250 bucks of free work, 338 00:12:39,759 --> 00:12:41,325 and I made you easier on the eyes. 339 00:12:41,456 --> 00:12:43,240 I took you from a seven to an eight -- 340 00:12:43,371 --> 00:12:44,328 an eight and a half. 341 00:12:44,459 --> 00:12:48,332 I was never a seven! 342 00:12:51,335 --> 00:12:52,336 [thudding] 343 00:12:54,338 --> 00:12:55,731 It's getting harder. 344 00:12:55,862 --> 00:12:56,906 And I think, somehow, bigger. 345 00:12:57,037 --> 00:12:58,299 It's Saturday night. 346 00:12:58,429 --> 00:12:59,996 If we don't finish by tomorrow morning, 347 00:13:00,127 --> 00:13:01,432 we won't get our Frosted Flakes. 348 00:13:01,563 --> 00:13:03,347 Like Tupac -- R.I.P. -- said, 349 00:13:03,478 --> 00:13:04,784 "No matter how hard it gets, 350 00:13:04,914 --> 00:13:06,960 stick your chest out, keep your head up, 351 00:13:07,090 --> 00:13:08,483 and handle it." 352 00:13:08,613 --> 00:13:10,093 Are they getting any closer to catching his killer? 353 00:13:10,224 --> 00:13:11,442 No. They have no leads. 354 00:13:11,573 --> 00:13:13,575 Cops are chasing their own tails! 355 00:13:17,318 --> 00:13:19,886 Don't look at me while I do this. 356 00:13:31,245 --> 00:13:32,768 [swishing] 357 00:13:32,899 --> 00:13:34,204 [spits] 358 00:13:36,990 --> 00:13:38,948 Do you know what Evan is doing alone in his room? 359 00:13:39,079 --> 00:13:40,732 Already? He's only 9. 360 00:13:40,863 --> 00:13:41,690 He's praying. 361 00:13:42,952 --> 00:13:43,823 Oh, yes, that's, uh... what I thought, too. 362 00:13:43,953 --> 00:13:45,128 What is he saying? 363 00:13:45,259 --> 00:13:46,869 What conversation does he need to be having with God 364 00:13:47,000 --> 00:13:48,523 that he can't have with his own mother? 365 00:13:48,653 --> 00:13:49,785 If you're so curious, 366 00:13:49,916 --> 00:13:51,352 maybe you should go to church with him. 367 00:13:51,482 --> 00:13:52,875 You know my family wasn't religious. 368 00:13:53,006 --> 00:13:54,703 I just didn't grow up that way. 369 00:13:54,834 --> 00:13:56,966 It all just seems so strange. 370 00:13:57,097 --> 00:13:58,925 The only thing I know about Christianity 371 00:13:59,055 --> 00:14:01,971 is the sad story of Mary's son leaving her. 372 00:14:03,059 --> 00:14:04,800 There's more to it than that. 373 00:14:04,931 --> 00:14:07,150 I do believe there's something bigger out there. 374 00:14:07,281 --> 00:14:08,848 And there are upsides to organized religion. 375 00:14:08,978 --> 00:14:10,980 I biked around for a summer with the Mormons, 376 00:14:11,111 --> 00:14:11,894 and you should've seen my calves. 377 00:14:12,025 --> 00:14:13,069 I mean, like pow, pow! 378 00:14:13,200 --> 00:14:14,375 He's just a boy. 379 00:14:14,505 --> 00:14:16,899 He doesn't need pow-pow calves. 380 00:14:17,030 --> 00:14:18,640 But he does need to find his own way, 381 00:14:18,770 --> 00:14:20,729 and you have to let him see where this leads. 382 00:14:20,860 --> 00:14:21,991 What if I can't? 383 00:14:22,122 --> 00:14:23,514 You have to. 384 00:14:23,645 --> 00:14:25,342 ♪♪ 385 00:14:34,177 --> 00:14:35,875 [deep voice] Evan. 386 00:14:38,181 --> 00:14:39,008 God? 387 00:14:39,139 --> 00:14:41,750 Yes, Evan. It's me -- God. 388 00:14:41,881 --> 00:14:43,883 I have a special message for you. 389 00:14:44,013 --> 00:14:44,927 Don't go to church anymore. 390 00:14:45,058 --> 00:14:46,929 What?! 391 00:14:47,060 --> 00:14:50,759 There's too many people already. It's just too much. 392 00:14:50,890 --> 00:14:53,457 Go to Costco with Mommy instead. 393 00:14:54,328 --> 00:14:55,895 [gasps] Mommy! 394 00:14:56,025 --> 00:14:58,941 I was just getting some applesauce. 395 00:14:59,072 --> 00:14:59,899 Jessica! 396 00:15:00,029 --> 00:15:02,379 I'm disappointed in your betrayal. 397 00:15:02,510 --> 00:15:03,903 But I forgive you. 398 00:15:04,033 --> 00:15:05,817 That's what Jesus would do. 399 00:15:07,167 --> 00:15:09,473 And, please, wipe off the microphone 400 00:15:09,604 --> 00:15:10,866 when you're finished with it. 401 00:15:10,997 --> 00:15:12,041 It's for both of us. 402 00:15:12,172 --> 00:15:13,913 ♪♪ 403 00:15:18,874 --> 00:15:20,006 ♪♪ 404 00:15:20,136 --> 00:15:21,181 [crunching] 405 00:15:21,311 --> 00:15:23,052 I'm going to church, brothers. 406 00:15:23,183 --> 00:15:25,489 By the way, if you hear the voice of God, 407 00:15:25,620 --> 00:15:26,664 it's just Mom. 408 00:15:31,147 --> 00:15:32,844 Evan, take this loaf with you! 409 00:15:32,975 --> 00:15:34,063 Maybe the homeless will want it! 410 00:15:34,194 --> 00:15:36,196 [sighs][door closes] 411 00:15:36,326 --> 00:15:38,589 I'm washing down bites like pills. 412 00:15:39,851 --> 00:15:40,983 You faked being God? 413 00:15:41,114 --> 00:15:43,507 I mean, I know I say I'm a god on the dance floor, 414 00:15:43,638 --> 00:15:45,596 but never in front of the children. 415 00:15:45,727 --> 00:15:46,989 I didn't know what else to do! 416 00:15:47,120 --> 00:15:48,251 I thought if I could just get him back to Costco -- 417 00:15:48,382 --> 00:15:49,992 EDDIE: Aah! 418 00:15:52,821 --> 00:15:54,823 I fink I chipped my toof. 419 00:15:54,954 --> 00:15:56,172 [gasps] 420 00:15:56,303 --> 00:15:58,000 ♪♪ 421 00:16:02,874 --> 00:16:05,094 I'm sorry. I just can't recommend it. 422 00:16:05,138 --> 00:16:07,140 [sighs] Oh, come on, Ted. 423 00:16:07,270 --> 00:16:08,054 [Louis clears throat] 424 00:16:09,664 --> 00:16:11,057 MARVIN: Louis. 425 00:16:11,187 --> 00:16:12,841 Well, do you have an appointment? 426 00:16:12,972 --> 00:16:15,975 Uh...look, I know things were awkward the other night. 427 00:16:16,105 --> 00:16:18,238 Eddie! Kiddo, what happened? 428 00:16:18,368 --> 00:16:19,630 B.A.C.T. 429 00:16:19,761 --> 00:16:21,981 Oh, is that an acronym for a Rice Krispie-style treat 430 00:16:22,111 --> 00:16:22,982 you tried to make out of the duds 431 00:16:23,112 --> 00:16:24,461 of a variety pack? 432 00:16:25,419 --> 00:16:27,421 I'm a dentist. I've seen everything. 433 00:16:27,551 --> 00:16:30,772 Come on. Hop up in the chair, and let's bib you up. 434 00:16:30,902 --> 00:16:32,730 I'll take a gold cap like Big Daddy Kane, if you got it. 435 00:16:32,861 --> 00:16:34,080 [chuckles]No. Just a normal cap. 436 00:16:34,210 --> 00:16:36,996 I'm sorry I blew up at the restaurant. 437 00:16:37,126 --> 00:16:38,345 No, I'm sorry. 438 00:16:38,475 --> 00:16:39,563 It was presumptuous of me to assume 439 00:16:39,694 --> 00:16:42,044 that you wanted to look so damn fantastic. 440 00:16:42,175 --> 00:16:43,002 [chuckles] 441 00:16:43,132 --> 00:16:44,133 You were never a seven. 442 00:16:44,264 --> 00:16:45,743 You were always a nine. 443 00:16:45,874 --> 00:16:46,701 [chuckles] 444 00:16:46,831 --> 00:16:48,050 Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. 445 00:16:49,660 --> 00:16:51,140 [sighs] Oh. 446 00:16:51,271 --> 00:16:52,098 Um... 447 00:16:52,228 --> 00:16:53,229 Just so we're clear, 448 00:16:54,665 --> 00:16:55,492 I'm going to pay full price for Eddie's dental work. 449 00:16:55,623 --> 00:16:57,799 I think it's better that way, for our friendship. 450 00:16:57,929 --> 00:16:58,887 Agreed. 451 00:16:59,018 --> 00:17:00,671 And I'll pay full price at your restaurant. 452 00:17:00,802 --> 00:17:02,325 Well, I'm glad we worked this out. 453 00:17:02,456 --> 00:17:03,457 Yeah. 454 00:17:03,587 --> 00:17:04,458 Oh. 455 00:17:04,588 --> 00:17:06,112 Oh. 456 00:17:06,242 --> 00:17:07,461 [both chuckle] 457 00:17:07,591 --> 00:17:08,766 Oh, and don't worry. 458 00:17:08,897 --> 00:17:10,246 That whitening agent that I use 459 00:17:10,377 --> 00:17:11,334 only lasts four to six weeks. [sighs] 460 00:17:11,465 --> 00:17:13,554 Which is why I cannot recommend it. 461 00:17:13,684 --> 00:17:14,685 We get it, Ted! 462 00:17:14,816 --> 00:17:16,252 Okay? 463 00:17:16,383 --> 00:17:19,255 We get it! 464 00:17:19,386 --> 00:17:20,517 ♪♪ 465 00:17:20,648 --> 00:17:23,172 Hey, Jessica. Special today -- 466 00:17:23,303 --> 00:17:24,565 Ritz-os. 467 00:17:24,695 --> 00:17:27,220 Who needs tortilla chips to make nachos? 468 00:17:29,135 --> 00:17:31,920 Oh, no. I can make it less spicy. 469 00:17:32,051 --> 00:17:34,053 Can I talk to you about something? 470 00:17:34,183 --> 00:17:35,141 Oh, sure. 471 00:17:35,271 --> 00:17:37,708 Uh, but I just need to make some more samples, 472 00:17:37,839 --> 00:17:39,362 so how about I get the crackers, you get the salsa. 473 00:17:39,493 --> 00:17:40,624 We'll chat in the aisle. 474 00:17:41,756 --> 00:17:42,800 ♪♪ 475 00:17:48,545 --> 00:17:49,764 So, how can I help? 476 00:17:49,894 --> 00:17:51,070 You were right. 477 00:17:51,200 --> 00:17:53,159 I have lost Evan... 478 00:17:54,160 --> 00:17:55,161 ...to church. 479 00:17:55,291 --> 00:17:56,771 We used to spend every Sunday together, 480 00:17:56,901 --> 00:18:00,731 and now he goes there instead of here with me. 481 00:18:00,862 --> 00:18:02,385 Oh, I see. 482 00:18:02,516 --> 00:18:04,344 And why does this upset you so? 483 00:18:04,474 --> 00:18:06,868 [sighing] I don't know. 484 00:18:06,998 --> 00:18:10,785 I'm afraid I'm losing my baby to something I don't understand. 485 00:18:10,915 --> 00:18:13,570 Well, you know, the first rule of sampling is, 486 00:18:13,701 --> 00:18:15,877 always ask the customer what it is 487 00:18:16,007 --> 00:18:17,618 they like about the sample. 488 00:18:17,748 --> 00:18:20,055 Shouldn't the first rule be hygiene? 489 00:18:20,186 --> 00:18:23,014 Have you asked Evan what he likes about church? 490 00:18:23,145 --> 00:18:26,975 Yes, he says it's fun, everybody knows everybody, 491 00:18:27,106 --> 00:18:29,760 they talk about values, and they have good snacks. 492 00:18:29,891 --> 00:18:32,154 Sounds like a place we both know and love. 493 00:18:32,285 --> 00:18:33,764 What place? 494 00:18:33,895 --> 00:18:35,418 Look around you. 495 00:18:36,985 --> 00:18:38,682 [organ plays] 496 00:18:38,813 --> 00:18:41,032 The community. 497 00:18:41,163 --> 00:18:42,686 The values. 498 00:18:42,817 --> 00:18:45,428 The sense of calm I get just walking in the door. 499 00:18:45,559 --> 00:18:48,605 Church is Evan's Costco! 500 00:18:51,347 --> 00:18:52,435 Excuse me, sir. 501 00:18:52,566 --> 00:18:54,263 Are you Greg? 502 00:18:54,394 --> 00:18:56,352 [organ stops]Your wife sent me. 503 00:18:56,483 --> 00:18:58,180 You're supposed to be getting chicken nuggets and milk. 504 00:19:01,227 --> 00:19:03,054 [sighs] 505 00:19:03,185 --> 00:19:05,100 [bells tolling] 506 00:19:06,884 --> 00:19:08,364 [indistinct conversations] 507 00:19:08,495 --> 00:19:09,887 Mommy! 508 00:19:10,018 --> 00:19:11,628 [sighs] This is your bulk deals, 509 00:19:11,759 --> 00:19:14,109 and if that's what you want, you can have it. 510 00:19:14,240 --> 00:19:17,112 I mean, I wish that bulk deals were your bulk deals, 511 00:19:17,243 --> 00:19:18,244 but whatever. 512 00:19:18,374 --> 00:19:19,375 You're young. You have time. 513 00:19:19,506 --> 00:19:20,289 Eternity. 514 00:19:20,420 --> 00:19:21,725 Sure. 515 00:19:21,856 --> 00:19:23,814 For now, the only thing that matters to me 516 00:19:23,945 --> 00:19:26,034 is that we get to spend Sundays together. 517 00:19:26,165 --> 00:19:27,688 So, you'll come to church with me? 518 00:19:27,818 --> 00:19:30,169 I will come to outside church with you, 519 00:19:30,299 --> 00:19:31,474 and then you can go in. 520 00:19:31,605 --> 00:19:33,302 I'm good out here. 521 00:19:33,433 --> 00:19:35,391 But I'll wait for you. 522 00:19:35,522 --> 00:19:37,872 And then you can tell me all about it. 523 00:19:38,002 --> 00:19:40,266 Today, we learned about this man Jonah 524 00:19:40,396 --> 00:19:42,920 who lived in the belly of a whale for three whole days. 525 00:19:43,051 --> 00:19:44,139 Impossible. 526 00:19:44,270 --> 00:19:45,836 What was that?Nothing. Go on. 527 00:19:45,967 --> 00:19:47,229 Oh, and get this. 528 00:19:47,360 --> 00:19:49,492 They have something called Sunday School here. 529 00:19:49,623 --> 00:19:52,321 It's school on Sundays! 530 00:19:52,452 --> 00:19:54,410 No kidding?! 531 00:19:54,541 --> 00:19:56,107 Ah! 532 00:20:01,330 --> 00:20:03,637 Evan [sighs] you ready for me to drive you to church? 533 00:20:03,767 --> 00:20:05,378 I thought I'd come to Costco today. 534 00:20:05,508 --> 00:20:08,903 They just got in the off-model Kenneth Cole kids' blazers. 535 00:20:09,033 --> 00:20:10,687 Is that okay? 536 00:20:10,818 --> 00:20:13,777 Oh, y-yeah. Of course it is. 537 00:20:13,908 --> 00:20:16,867 Great, and I can go to church next Sunday. 538 00:20:18,173 --> 00:20:19,435 [softly] We'll see. 539 00:20:19,566 --> 00:20:21,307 Eddie, I'll pick you up some porridge 540 00:20:21,437 --> 00:20:22,569 since you could only eat soft food. 541 00:20:22,699 --> 00:20:24,353 Does that mean I don't have to finish this? 542 00:20:24,484 --> 00:20:25,224 Of course you don't. 543 00:20:26,703 --> 00:20:27,965 And I don't expect Emery to have to finish it by himself. 544 00:20:29,402 --> 00:20:31,752 I'll boil it and make a stock. 545 00:20:31,882 --> 00:20:32,796 [both sigh] 546 00:20:32,927 --> 00:20:35,408 [thuds] 547 00:20:35,538 --> 00:20:36,757 Okay. 548 00:20:36,887 --> 00:20:39,238 Let's go get you that blazer. 549 00:20:39,368 --> 00:20:42,284 My right arm is slightly longer than my left. 550 00:20:42,415 --> 00:20:44,895 It's like God made my body for factory mistakes. 551 00:20:45,026 --> 00:20:47,376 Or maybe I've just always held your right hand 552 00:20:47,507 --> 00:20:49,900 with just enough tension to stretch it. 553 00:20:50,031 --> 00:20:53,121 God's got nothing on Mommy. 554 00:20:53,252 --> 00:20:54,992 ♪♪ 555 00:20:58,909 --> 00:20:59,997 ♪♪ 556 00:21:01,912 --> 00:21:02,957 Okay. You're up. 557 00:21:05,220 --> 00:21:07,266 I weigh more than the rice. I'm growing! 558 00:21:08,571 --> 00:21:10,530 You think you're ready for the keg of mayonnaise yet? 559 00:21:10,660 --> 00:21:13,533 Someday, but not today. 560 00:21:13,663 --> 00:21:17,145 Okay, now let's try it with this carpet steamer. 561 00:21:17,276 --> 00:21:19,147 If I weigh less, we get Pop-Tarts. 562 00:21:19,278 --> 00:21:21,932 If I weigh more, we never speak of it again. 563 00:21:22,063 --> 00:21:23,934 ♪♪ 564 00:21:25,240 --> 00:21:27,286 [wheels creaking] 565 00:21:31,246 --> 00:21:34,031 --Captions by VITAC--