1
00:00:04,004 --> 00:00:07,841
You're too generous, Lianne.
Thank you for the gift.

2
00:00:07,875 --> 00:00:10,311
LIANNE: Of course.
Merry Christmas.

3
00:00:10,344 --> 00:00:14,182
Merry Christmas to you, too.

4
00:00:14,215 --> 00:00:16,850
God, I am so good at realty.

5
00:00:16,884 --> 00:00:18,686
They came.

6
00:00:18,719 --> 00:00:21,655
(laughs)

7
00:00:21,689 --> 00:00:23,491
They're more gorgeous
than I could have imagined.

8
00:00:23,524 --> 00:00:25,259
They're for me and Marvin.

9
00:00:25,293 --> 00:00:27,728
On Christmas day, we're gonna
cook goose chili in the driveway

10
00:00:27,761 --> 00:00:31,432
while drinking holiday ale
and wearing matching custom PJs.

11
00:00:31,465 --> 00:00:34,902
Smart. Personalizing it with
embroidery so I can't return it.

12
00:00:34,935 --> 00:00:37,738
Okay, boys, Grandma,
get in here.

13
00:00:37,771 --> 00:00:40,174
My satisfied client
just gave me

14
00:00:40,208 --> 00:00:42,610
six free movie passes
as a Christmas gift,

15
00:00:42,643 --> 00:00:46,247
so I'm taking us all to see
"Jingle All the Way."

16
00:00:46,280 --> 00:00:47,915
-Schwarzenegger!
-Sinbad!

17
00:00:47,948 --> 00:00:49,917
I heard it's the best Christmas
movie since "Home Alone."

18
00:00:49,950 --> 00:00:51,752
I think you forgot about
"The Santa Clause."

19
00:00:51,785 --> 00:00:53,187
Did I? (scoffs)

20
00:00:53,221 --> 00:00:54,855
What are you even debating?

21
00:00:54,888 --> 00:00:58,259
All Christmas movies are great,
just like all Denzel movies.

22
00:00:58,292 --> 00:01:00,961
Mom, what if Denzel did
a Christmas movie?

23
00:01:02,630 --> 00:01:05,199
It's like you can see
into my soul.

24
00:01:05,233 --> 00:01:08,402
Okay. Well, the passes
are for the Regal.

25
00:01:08,436 --> 00:01:10,438
The next showing is at 7:00.
What time is it?

26
00:01:10,471 --> 00:01:12,072
Uh, 4:15.

27
00:01:12,106 --> 00:01:13,741
(sighs)
So we're already late.

28
00:01:13,774 --> 00:01:17,077
We have to move if we want to
get the best middle-row seats.

29
00:01:17,111 --> 00:01:19,113
Okay, Evan,
go put on some cargo pants

30
00:01:19,147 --> 00:01:21,382
and make some popcorn
and stuff it in the pockets.

31
00:01:21,415 --> 00:01:23,717
Louis, go take the pajamas
to Marvin next door.

32
00:01:23,751 --> 00:01:25,286
Everybody else, get changed.
Let's go.

33
00:01:25,319 --> 00:01:26,320
Let's go.

34
00:01:26,354 --> 00:01:29,323
**

35
00:01:36,664 --> 00:01:38,932
I hope you don't mind,
but I pre-buttered the --

36
00:01:40,934 --> 00:01:43,771
Mommy?

37
00:01:43,804 --> 00:01:45,639
Aaaaaaah!

38
00:01:45,673 --> 00:01:47,975
These are still hot.

39
00:01:50,010 --> 00:01:51,445
* Fresh off the boat

40
00:01:51,479 --> 00:01:53,013
* I'm gettin' mine
everywhere I go *

41
00:01:53,046 --> 00:01:54,982
* If you don't know, homey,
now you know *

42
00:01:55,015 --> 00:01:56,584
* Fresh off the boat

43
00:01:56,617 --> 00:01:59,187
* Homey, you don't know
where I come from *

44
00:01:59,220 --> 00:02:00,754
* But I know where I'm goin'

45
00:02:00,788 --> 00:02:03,357
* I'm fresh off the boat

46
00:02:04,692 --> 00:02:06,827
Jessica,
you look so Christmasy.

47
00:02:06,860 --> 00:02:08,095
When did you buy
that sweater?

48
00:02:08,128 --> 00:02:09,497
Oh,
I borrowed it from Honey.

49
00:02:09,530 --> 00:02:10,598
Can I jingle a bell?

50
00:02:10,631 --> 00:02:12,633
Of course.

51
00:02:12,666 --> 00:02:14,502
(laughs)

52
00:02:14,535 --> 00:02:17,838
I'm so excited -- everything
is done on my to-do list,

53
00:02:17,871 --> 00:02:20,508
except prepping
my Lao Ban Santa outfit.

54
00:02:20,541 --> 00:02:22,910
Evan loved it so much
last year.

55
00:02:24,512 --> 00:02:26,680
Santa is Chinese.

56
00:02:26,714 --> 00:02:28,316
Yes.

57
00:02:28,349 --> 00:02:31,018
The mole application alone
takes 45 minutes,

58
00:02:31,051 --> 00:02:33,153
but it's necessary
to hide my beauty.

59
00:02:33,187 --> 00:02:35,356
Well, the effort you put into
those presents shows.

60
00:02:35,389 --> 00:02:36,957
The boys love their gifts --

61
00:02:36,990 --> 00:02:39,693
Eddie's Glo Worm, Emery's yo-yo,
Evan's Power Ranger.

62
00:02:39,727 --> 00:02:41,862
-Power Ranger Megazord.
-Oh.

63
00:02:41,895 --> 00:02:44,131
The key is
to buy the hottest toys

64
00:02:44,164 --> 00:02:46,367
the day after Christmas
when they go on sale,

65
00:02:46,400 --> 00:02:48,702
and then give them to the boys
the following year.

66
00:02:48,736 --> 00:02:53,173
It's so special to give a gift
that makes our children happy

67
00:02:53,207 --> 00:02:56,076
at a price
that makes me happy.

68
00:02:56,109 --> 00:02:59,980
Christmas is the tool of the
white capitalist establishment.

69
00:03:00,013 --> 00:03:01,849
What?

70
00:03:01,882 --> 00:03:04,051
That's why this year,
I'm celebrating Kwanzaa.

71
00:03:04,084 --> 00:03:06,220
Nas talked about it
in The Sourc magazine.

72
00:03:06,254 --> 00:03:07,488
He also talked about

73
00:03:07,521 --> 00:03:09,423
his favorite pickle stores
in the Bronx.

74
00:03:09,457 --> 00:03:10,524
It was a great read.

75
00:03:10,558 --> 00:03:12,059
Wait, what's Kwanzaa?

76
00:03:12,092 --> 00:03:13,894
You don't know
what Kwanzaa is?

77
00:03:13,927 --> 00:03:16,129
You don't know
what Kwanzaa is.

78
00:03:17,265 --> 00:03:18,932
Oh, Jessica, hey.

79
00:03:18,966 --> 00:03:21,168
Could you guys scooch over to
open up a couple of middle seats

80
00:03:21,201 --> 00:03:22,270
for me and Richard?

81
00:03:22,303 --> 00:03:24,238
Do not make eye contact.

82
00:03:24,272 --> 00:03:25,939
My husband has
acute-angle glaucoma,

83
00:03:25,973 --> 00:03:27,741
so he has to
sit dead center.

84
00:03:27,775 --> 00:03:31,579
It acts up when I stare at
anything from a side angle.

85
00:03:31,612 --> 00:03:34,382
Um, I don't believe you,
but even if I did,

86
00:03:34,415 --> 00:03:38,386
we got here two hours early
for a reason, so...

87
00:03:41,154 --> 00:03:43,257
Sorry.

88
00:03:43,291 --> 00:03:47,728
(movie fanfare playing)

89
00:03:47,761 --> 00:03:49,330
Evan, popcorn.

90
00:03:50,598 --> 00:03:52,165
Evan!

91
00:03:53,434 --> 00:03:54,435
(window rattles)

92
00:03:54,468 --> 00:03:56,837
(wind howling)

93
00:03:58,439 --> 00:03:59,607
Don't be scared.

94
00:03:59,640 --> 00:04:01,108
I'll protect you.

95
00:04:01,141 --> 00:04:03,210
(telephone rings)

96
00:04:03,243 --> 00:04:04,445
Ahoy?

97
00:04:04,478 --> 00:04:06,780
-Marvin, it's --
-Hey, Chili Boy Lou!

98
00:04:06,814 --> 00:04:09,116
I would normally respond
with a "Chili Boy Marv,"

99
00:04:09,149 --> 00:04:10,884
but we have a bit
of an emergency.

100
00:04:10,918 --> 00:04:13,454
We're at the movies and
accidentally left Evan at home.

101
00:04:13,487 --> 00:04:14,788
Could you check on him?

102
00:04:14,822 --> 00:04:16,924
Yeah.
Yeah, I can see him from here.

103
00:04:16,957 --> 00:04:19,393
(giggles) He looks like
he's talking to a small pig.

104
00:04:19,427 --> 00:04:21,995
(exhales) He's talking to
Oinker. He's okay.

105
00:04:22,029 --> 00:04:23,096
Yeah, he's fine.

106
00:04:23,130 --> 00:04:24,965
Just like these PJs.

107
00:04:24,998 --> 00:04:27,668
Ha-ha, have you tried
the spice pocket?

108
00:04:27,701 --> 00:04:29,269
Marvin, we're heading home,

109
00:04:29,303 --> 00:04:31,905
but can you go over and
double-check that Evan is okay?

110
00:04:31,939 --> 00:04:33,807
Oh, a mother's love
is a beautiful thing.

111
00:04:33,841 --> 00:04:35,776
Yeah, I'll grab my spare key
and head right over.

112
00:04:35,809 --> 00:04:38,111
Oh, just curious.
What movie were you guys seeing?

113
00:04:38,145 --> 00:04:39,112
"Jingle All the Way."

114
00:04:39,146 --> 00:04:40,481
Hold on.

115
00:04:40,514 --> 00:04:42,616
Do not blow a chance
to see this movie.

116
00:04:42,650 --> 00:04:44,151
I've seen it three times.

117
00:04:44,184 --> 00:04:45,986
It's a riot.
-But Evan --

118
00:04:46,019 --> 00:04:47,455
I can watch Evan
for a few hours.

119
00:04:47,488 --> 00:04:48,489
Trust me.

120
00:04:48,522 --> 00:04:50,157
Did you see the movie "Twins"?

121
00:04:50,190 --> 00:04:51,392
This is almost as good.

122
00:04:53,361 --> 00:04:54,695
SANTA: Put them up.

123
00:04:54,728 --> 00:04:56,129
HOWARD: No thanks, buddy.

124
00:04:56,163 --> 00:04:57,965
I'm not about to hit
a Santa Claus.

125
00:04:57,998 --> 00:04:59,800
(laughter)

126
00:04:59,833 --> 00:05:01,835
Chick, chick, chick, chick.
Chick, chick, chick!

127
00:05:04,638 --> 00:05:06,173
Evan?

128
00:05:06,907 --> 00:05:08,376
Ah! Oof.

129
00:05:08,409 --> 00:05:10,678
(screams)

130
00:05:12,312 --> 00:05:13,781
Uncle Marvin?

131
00:05:13,814 --> 00:05:16,183
How long have you had a key?
I don't have a key.

132
00:05:16,216 --> 00:05:19,019
Mm. Ohhh.

133
00:05:19,052 --> 00:05:21,054
"And now you see,"
said the turtle,

134
00:05:21,088 --> 00:05:22,690
"why it is useless to cry."

135
00:05:22,723 --> 00:05:24,692
Amy Tan has lived life.

136
00:05:25,926 --> 00:05:26,960
What?

137
00:05:26,994 --> 00:05:28,462
Marvin, are you okay?

138
00:05:28,496 --> 00:05:30,364
(groaning)
Yeah. Ah, ow.

139
00:05:30,398 --> 00:05:34,702
Oh. It's just the old
L5 vertebrae acting up on me.

140
00:05:34,735 --> 00:05:37,371
I said I would get Honey
to help, but he refused.

141
00:05:37,405 --> 00:05:39,973
No one can tell her.
She can never know I'm old.

142
00:05:40,007 --> 00:05:41,074
All right.

143
00:05:41,108 --> 00:05:42,209
Sorry about that,
Marvin.

144
00:05:42,242 --> 00:05:43,711
Ah, don't worry about it.

145
00:05:43,744 --> 00:05:46,346
I got scared, and I was trying
to protect the house.

146
00:05:46,380 --> 00:05:47,548
So I set a trap.

147
00:05:47,581 --> 00:05:49,016
Oh, my poor baby.

148
00:05:49,049 --> 00:05:52,686
I never want you to be scared.
Come here.

149
00:05:52,720 --> 00:05:55,689
Sorry, hugs are for Mommies
who remember their babies.

150
00:05:55,723 --> 00:05:58,358
Whoa.

151
00:05:58,392 --> 00:06:01,562
Well, if you knew how worried
we were about you,

152
00:06:01,595 --> 00:06:03,030
you wouldn't be mad.

153
00:06:03,063 --> 00:06:05,065
Sure, when I'm worried,
I sit down

154
00:06:05,098 --> 00:06:07,568
and watch a 90-minute
light comedy, too.

155
00:06:07,601 --> 00:06:08,869
Not.

156
00:06:08,902 --> 00:06:11,905
Evan,
Mommy made a mistake.

157
00:06:11,939 --> 00:06:13,741
But she's gonna
make it up to you.

158
00:06:13,774 --> 00:06:16,744
How about an extra toy
for Christmas this year?

159
00:06:16,777 --> 00:06:19,547
That's okay, Mom. I know
you didn't mean to forget me.

160
00:06:19,580 --> 00:06:21,849
I'm mad,
but I'll cool off in the tub.

161
00:06:21,882 --> 00:06:23,584
No, I insist.

162
00:06:23,617 --> 00:06:27,054
You know how I always get you
last year's best toy?

163
00:06:27,087 --> 00:06:31,559
What if I get you
this year's best toy this year?

164
00:06:31,592 --> 00:06:32,893
Any toy you want.

165
00:06:32,926 --> 00:06:34,862
Name it.

166
00:06:34,895 --> 00:06:36,597
-Tickle Me Elmo.
-Done.

167
00:06:36,630 --> 00:06:41,301
(laughs)

168
00:06:41,334 --> 00:06:45,038
Lady, Tickle Me Elmos have been
sold out everywhere for weeks.

169
00:06:45,072 --> 00:06:46,574
They're impossible to find.

170
00:06:46,607 --> 00:06:48,942
You white people love
throwing around that word --

171
00:06:48,976 --> 00:06:50,377
"impossible."

172
00:06:50,410 --> 00:06:52,980
"Oh, Jennifer,
my bangs are impossible."

173
00:06:53,013 --> 00:06:54,448
Okay. Fine.

174
00:06:54,482 --> 00:06:56,784
Um, they're not impossible,

175
00:06:56,817 --> 00:06:58,586
but it's very difficult.

176
00:06:58,619 --> 00:07:01,955
You can try checking
this rare-toy website.

177
00:07:01,989 --> 00:07:03,457
I'll write down the address.

178
00:07:03,491 --> 00:07:05,459
Hey, I couldn't help
but overhear,

179
00:07:05,493 --> 00:07:06,960
you're looking for
a Tickle Me Elmo?

180
00:07:06,994 --> 00:07:08,261
Yes.
Do you have one?

181
00:07:08,295 --> 00:07:10,464
I do.
It's yours.

182
00:07:10,498 --> 00:07:13,166
You've been served.

183
00:07:13,200 --> 00:07:16,203
**

184
00:07:21,709 --> 00:07:24,011
Marvin is suing us?

185
00:07:28,982 --> 00:07:30,951
(clears throat)
Since you asked,

186
00:07:30,984 --> 00:07:32,820
Kwanzaa
is a week-long celebration

187
00:07:32,853 --> 00:07:35,623
of the West African Diaspora
in the Americas.

188
00:07:35,656 --> 00:07:37,558
So what day
does Kwanzaa fall on?

189
00:07:39,493 --> 00:07:41,662
I have to
go to the bathroom.

190
00:07:43,363 --> 00:07:46,033
(groans)

191
00:07:46,066 --> 00:07:47,668
What's wrong?

192
00:07:47,701 --> 00:07:49,937
Marvin is suing us
for his back injury.

193
00:07:49,970 --> 00:07:51,672
I don't know what I'm going to
say to your mother.

194
00:07:51,705 --> 00:07:53,306
I don't think
you should tell her.

195
00:07:53,340 --> 00:07:54,775
It's gonna
ruin her Christmas.

196
00:07:54,808 --> 00:07:55,843
I know, but --

197
00:07:55,876 --> 00:07:57,377
(doorbell rings)

198
00:07:58,712 --> 00:08:00,480
Hey, Chili Boy Lou.

199
00:08:00,514 --> 00:08:02,950
Hey, you mind if I store
my ham hocks over here?

200
00:08:02,983 --> 00:08:05,485
Why are you acting so casual
like nothing happened?

201
00:08:05,519 --> 00:08:08,121
Oh, oh, don't worry.
I'm fine.

202
00:08:08,155 --> 00:08:09,990
Honey gave me
a muscle relaxer.

203
00:08:10,023 --> 00:08:12,560
My spine's
all loosey-goosey.

204
00:08:12,593 --> 00:08:14,628
No, I'm talking about
you suing me.

205
00:08:14,662 --> 00:08:16,830
I'm not suing you.
I'm suing your insurance.

206
00:08:16,864 --> 00:08:19,633
I get paid out for my injury,
everything's fine.

207
00:08:19,667 --> 00:08:21,334
It's not fine.
Drop the lawsuit.

208
00:08:21,368 --> 00:08:22,836
Ah, don't be a ninny.

209
00:08:22,870 --> 00:08:24,705
You know what?
I don't want to be around anyone

210
00:08:24,738 --> 00:08:26,940
who would do this,
especially on Christmas.

211
00:08:29,376 --> 00:08:31,812
I can't believe I was gonna wear
matching pajamas with you.

212
00:08:31,845 --> 00:08:34,548
And I can't believe you're
in the pocket of big insurance.

213
00:08:39,086 --> 00:08:42,690
So, this is our latest desktop
computer with DSL connection.

214
00:08:42,723 --> 00:08:44,758
It has a Pentium processor
and --

215
00:08:46,193 --> 00:08:48,361
Ma'am,
this isn't the public library.

216
00:08:48,395 --> 00:08:50,664
If you're not serious
about buying a computer --

217
00:08:50,698 --> 00:08:52,199
This is my son.

218
00:08:52,232 --> 00:08:54,234
Oh, my gosh.
Is he missing?

219
00:08:54,267 --> 00:08:55,903
Yes...

220
00:08:55,936 --> 00:08:57,738
a Tickle Me Elmo.

221
00:08:57,771 --> 00:09:01,041
It is his Christmas wish, and
I'm not going to disappoint him.

222
00:09:01,775 --> 00:09:03,076
Oh, yes!

223
00:09:03,110 --> 00:09:04,812
There's someone selling one
in Orlando.

224
00:09:06,580 --> 00:09:07,715
(gasps)

225
00:09:07,748 --> 00:09:09,583
Oh, how cute.

226
00:09:09,617 --> 00:09:12,452
Looks like the Elmos
are tickling her.

227
00:09:13,721 --> 00:09:15,689
Okay, Smushy, time for

228
00:09:15,723 --> 00:09:17,958
another muscle relaxer
for your back pain.

229
00:09:17,991 --> 00:09:20,360
And I'm just gonna say this
one last time.

230
00:09:20,393 --> 00:09:23,296
Please don't sue our neighbors
and best friends, the Huangs.

231
00:09:23,330 --> 00:09:24,965
Sorry, babe,
where I come from,

232
00:09:24,998 --> 00:09:27,034
if someone has insurance,
you sue it.

233
00:09:27,067 --> 00:09:29,737
(sighs)
Maybe with age, I'd let
something like this slide.

234
00:09:29,770 --> 00:09:33,540
But right now, I'm virile
and angry. (chuckles)

235
00:09:33,573 --> 00:09:35,042
Fine.

236
00:09:35,075 --> 00:09:36,443
If you need me,
I'm gonna be in our bedroom

237
00:09:36,476 --> 00:09:38,545
trying to figure out
where I put my bell sweater.

238
00:09:38,578 --> 00:09:40,147
Okay.

239
00:09:40,180 --> 00:09:43,416
(sighs)

240
00:09:43,450 --> 00:09:45,686
EMERY:
Wake up, Uncle Marvin.

241
00:09:47,855 --> 00:09:49,056
Emery?

242
00:09:49,089 --> 00:09:50,991
You look like
you've seen a ghost.

243
00:09:51,024 --> 00:09:52,292
I am a ghost.

244
00:09:52,325 --> 00:09:54,094
I'm the Ghost
of Christmas Past.

245
00:09:54,127 --> 00:09:55,796
And I'm here to
show you something.

246
00:09:57,030 --> 00:09:58,966
Hey, I-I know this place.

247
00:09:58,999 --> 00:10:01,101
This is your house.
-Not yet.

248
00:10:03,671 --> 00:10:05,272
Ooh.

249
00:10:08,608 --> 00:10:10,077
H-Honey.

250
00:10:10,110 --> 00:10:11,311
Sweetie,
what are you doing over here?

251
00:10:11,344 --> 00:10:12,846
She can't hear you.

252
00:10:12,880 --> 00:10:14,081
We're in the past.

253
00:10:14,114 --> 00:10:16,349
(Latin music playing)

254
00:10:19,286 --> 00:10:20,954
(laughs) Hey, hey.

255
00:10:20,988 --> 00:10:22,555
All right.

256
00:10:24,491 --> 00:10:25,959
Oh, no.

257
00:10:25,993 --> 00:10:27,294
Ronaldo.

258
00:10:27,327 --> 00:10:29,797
He lived here before
we moved in, didn't he?

259
00:10:29,830 --> 00:10:32,099
Yeah, and he was always offering
Honey free dance lessons

260
00:10:32,132 --> 00:10:33,533
that she innocently
took him up on.

261
00:10:33,566 --> 00:10:35,102
Yes.

262
00:10:35,135 --> 00:10:37,037
Get your hands off her,
you scoundrel.

263
00:10:37,070 --> 00:10:38,605
More hips, more hips.

264
00:10:38,638 --> 00:10:40,440
No hips, no hips.

265
00:10:40,473 --> 00:10:43,110
I was so thankful when he moved
out and you family moved in.

266
00:10:43,143 --> 00:10:45,278
So thankful
you're now suing us?

267
00:10:45,312 --> 00:10:47,781
Does nobody understand
how insurance works?

268
00:10:47,815 --> 00:10:49,783
You've seen what
I came here to show you.

269
00:10:49,817 --> 00:10:51,484
But, before Christmas,

270
00:10:51,518 --> 00:10:54,021
you'll be visited by
two more spirits.

271
00:10:56,824 --> 00:10:58,158
Ahh!

272
00:10:58,191 --> 00:10:59,827
(breathing heavily)

273
00:10:59,860 --> 00:11:03,463
Why can't my Barbra Streisand
dreams be that vivid?

274
00:11:03,496 --> 00:11:04,998
(doorbell rings)

275
00:11:06,834 --> 00:11:08,068
Hi, Deidre.

276
00:11:08,101 --> 00:11:09,536
So, Richard's blind.

277
00:11:09,569 --> 00:11:11,204
Ever since your little
power play the other day

278
00:11:11,238 --> 00:11:13,573
at "Jingle All the Way,"
my husband's had blurry vision.

279
00:11:13,606 --> 00:11:15,008
From sitting on the side?

280
00:11:15,042 --> 00:11:16,243
Mm-hmm. Yeah.

281
00:11:16,276 --> 00:11:17,745
I had to spend the whole day
teaching him

282
00:11:17,778 --> 00:11:19,646
how many steps things are
from other things.

283
00:11:19,679 --> 00:11:21,982
He has a wider gait than I do,
so I have to take longer steps.

284
00:11:22,015 --> 00:11:23,483
It's been
really challenging.

285
00:11:23,516 --> 00:11:25,052
Okay, fine.
You're angry.

286
00:11:25,085 --> 00:11:28,655
But I'm not here for me.
I'm here to buy a gift for Evan.

287
00:11:28,688 --> 00:11:30,323
-No way.
-I'll pay top dollar.

288
00:11:30,357 --> 00:11:31,759
Fine, come in.

289
00:11:33,560 --> 00:11:35,362
So, this is my toy room,

290
00:11:35,395 --> 00:11:37,397
where I keep all the merchandise
I sell online.

291
00:11:37,430 --> 00:11:39,699
How come you have so many
of the same doll?

292
00:11:39,733 --> 00:11:41,268
Those are Legal Rachels.

293
00:11:41,301 --> 00:11:43,703
I bet wrong she was gonna be
the hot item last Christmas.

294
00:11:43,737 --> 00:11:45,438
Why is she
holding a knife?

295
00:11:45,472 --> 00:11:47,741
Because she was supposed to
take the law in her own hands.

296
00:11:47,775 --> 00:11:50,210
So, what do you need?

297
00:11:50,243 --> 00:11:51,544
Tickle Me Elmo.

298
00:11:51,578 --> 00:11:53,413
Oh.

299
00:11:53,446 --> 00:11:55,248
Unfortch,
those are both taken.

300
00:11:55,282 --> 00:11:57,851
See, one goes into my vault
where I keep rare toys

301
00:11:57,885 --> 00:11:59,186
to re-sell in the future,

302
00:11:59,219 --> 00:12:00,420
and the other
is a Christmas present

303
00:12:00,453 --> 00:12:01,855
for my goddaughter Janice.

304
00:12:01,889 --> 00:12:03,356
(scoffs)
She is so hard to please.

305
00:12:03,390 --> 00:12:04,858
(mockingly)
"I only want a Tickle Me Elmo

306
00:12:04,892 --> 00:12:06,559
handed to me
by Santa Claus."

307
00:12:06,593 --> 00:12:08,128
I was supposed to
have a Christmas party

308
00:12:08,161 --> 00:12:10,063
for Janice and her kindergarten
friends tomorrow,

309
00:12:10,097 --> 00:12:12,933
but Richard, who was going to
be my Santa, is now blind.

310
00:12:14,768 --> 00:12:16,770
I can get you a Santa.

311
00:12:16,804 --> 00:12:18,438
No, you can't.

312
00:12:18,471 --> 00:12:20,607
I already called, and everyone's
booked on such short notice.

313
00:12:20,640 --> 00:12:22,075
I can get one,
and when I do,

314
00:12:22,109 --> 00:12:24,044
will you sell me
your vault Elmo?

315
00:12:24,077 --> 00:12:25,278
Yes.

316
00:12:25,312 --> 00:12:27,047
(sighs)

317
00:12:27,080 --> 00:12:30,851
**

318
00:12:34,087 --> 00:12:36,056
EDDIE: Yo, Uncle Marvin!
Rise up.

319
00:12:36,089 --> 00:12:37,757
Ah!

320
00:12:37,791 --> 00:12:39,059
Eddie.

321
00:12:39,092 --> 00:12:40,760
* Yeah, yeah, yeah

322
00:12:40,794 --> 00:12:42,495
Are you the Ghost
of Christmas Present?

323
00:12:42,529 --> 00:12:45,465
No, pops, I'm the Ghost
of Kwanzaa Present.

324
00:12:45,498 --> 00:12:47,467
Well, I already spoke
to your ghost brother.

325
00:12:47,500 --> 00:12:49,102
I'm not
dropping the suit.

326
00:12:49,136 --> 00:12:50,470
Come with me.

327
00:12:50,503 --> 00:12:52,539
(indistinct conversation)

328
00:12:56,376 --> 00:12:58,111
(laughter)

329
00:12:58,145 --> 00:13:01,448
I hope your tickling fingers
are ready for Elmo's red body.

330
00:13:01,481 --> 00:13:03,216
(laughs)
So ready.

331
00:13:04,784 --> 00:13:06,453
Louis, what's wrong?

332
00:13:06,486 --> 00:13:09,122
I should have
told you sooner,

333
00:13:09,156 --> 00:13:12,425
but Marvin is suing us
for his injury.

334
00:13:12,459 --> 00:13:14,127
It's okay.

335
00:13:14,161 --> 00:13:16,029
Christmas is a season
for forgiveness.

336
00:13:16,063 --> 00:13:17,998
Besides,
our insurance will cover it.

337
00:13:18,031 --> 00:13:19,499
Really?
It doesn't bother you?

338
00:13:19,532 --> 00:13:21,768
Well, I'm not thrilled
our premium will go up

339
00:13:21,801 --> 00:13:23,170
an extra $4 a month.

340
00:13:23,203 --> 00:13:25,105
It's not about the money.

341
00:13:25,138 --> 00:13:27,474
I thought we were friends.

342
00:13:27,507 --> 00:13:28,808
Where I come from,
friends don't

343
00:13:28,842 --> 00:13:31,211
casually sue each other
for insurance money.

344
00:13:31,244 --> 00:13:35,048
I didn't realize
their premium would go up.

345
00:13:35,082 --> 00:13:37,650
Well, whatever.
It's only $4 a month.

346
00:13:38,485 --> 00:13:40,220
What's only $4?

347
00:13:40,253 --> 00:13:41,554
Huh?

348
00:13:43,490 --> 00:13:46,293
I can't let you take your pills
with beer anymore, sweetie.

349
00:13:46,326 --> 00:13:47,394
You're sleepwalking.

350
00:13:47,427 --> 00:13:48,862
Huh?

351
00:13:48,896 --> 00:13:52,065
Let's get you back home
and put some pants on you.

352
00:13:53,901 --> 00:13:56,236
DEIDRE:
All right, come on, everybody.

353
00:13:56,269 --> 00:13:58,338
Santa's gonna be here
any minute.

354
00:13:58,371 --> 00:14:00,140
Janice, come here.
You're in the front.

355
00:14:00,173 --> 00:14:01,641
Hey, you, move.

356
00:14:01,674 --> 00:14:02,842
That's Janice's spot.

357
00:14:02,876 --> 00:14:04,912
All right, everybody ready?

358
00:14:04,945 --> 00:14:06,213
Okay.

359
00:14:17,857 --> 00:14:22,229
I am Lao Ban Santa,

360
00:14:22,262 --> 00:14:26,366
the boss of all the Santas.

361
00:14:28,902 --> 00:14:31,738
(sobbing)

362
00:14:33,073 --> 00:14:39,246
Yes, I am excited
to see you, too.

363
00:14:44,217 --> 00:14:46,553
Are you kidding me?

364
00:14:46,586 --> 00:14:48,055
I needed Santa,
not what, what --

365
00:14:48,088 --> 00:14:49,589
What are you?

366
00:14:49,622 --> 00:14:54,094
I am a Chinese female Santa
and a role model.

367
00:14:54,127 --> 00:14:55,895
You scared the children.

368
00:14:55,929 --> 00:14:59,566
Well, it's not my fault these
kids are racist and sexist.

369
00:14:59,599 --> 00:15:02,069
I guess Santa can only be
white and male

370
00:15:02,102 --> 00:15:04,104
as far as the Rooneys
are concerned.

371
00:15:04,137 --> 00:15:05,973
-Who are the Rooneys?
-You!

372
00:15:06,006 --> 00:15:08,575
Our last name is Sanderson,
Jessica.

373
00:15:08,608 --> 00:15:10,110
(scoffs)

374
00:15:10,143 --> 00:15:12,112
Okay, well, I'm sorry you didn't
have a good time,

375
00:15:12,145 --> 00:15:13,380
but a deal's a deal.

376
00:15:13,413 --> 00:15:14,747
I need my Elmo.

377
00:15:14,781 --> 00:15:16,549
You don't need an Elmo.
You don't get an Elmo.

378
00:15:16,583 --> 00:15:18,151
Elmo is not for you!

379
00:15:18,185 --> 00:15:20,920
Ugh! I cannot believe her!
She is crazy! Out of her mind!

380
00:15:20,954 --> 00:15:22,655
(whispers)
Come with me.

381
00:15:22,689 --> 00:15:24,124
(whispers)
Where are we going?

382
00:15:24,157 --> 00:15:26,759
And three and four.

383
00:15:26,793 --> 00:15:29,462
There we go.

384
00:15:33,500 --> 00:15:35,102
Isn't Deidre gonna be mad?

385
00:15:35,135 --> 00:15:37,937
Furious, but toys are meant to
be played with by children,

386
00:15:37,971 --> 00:15:40,007
not stashed away
in some vault.

387
00:15:43,276 --> 00:15:44,744
Thank you.

388
00:15:44,777 --> 00:15:46,813
Deidre might divorce you
for this.

389
00:15:46,846 --> 00:15:48,915
Oh,
I refused to sign a prenup.

390
00:15:48,948 --> 00:15:50,817
I think I'll be all right
either way.

391
00:15:50,850 --> 00:15:52,285
(exhales roughly)

392
00:15:54,221 --> 00:15:59,359
Must. Stay. Awake.

393
00:15:59,392 --> 00:16:00,593
Oh.

394
00:16:00,627 --> 00:16:02,095
I made you
a late-night snack.

395
00:16:02,129 --> 00:16:05,032
Huh?
Your favorite --
cubed Swiss cheese.

396
00:16:05,065 --> 00:16:06,433
-Ah.
-Mmm.

397
00:16:06,466 --> 00:16:08,301
Mmm.

398
00:16:08,335 --> 00:16:09,702
Tastes a little funny.

399
00:16:09,736 --> 00:16:11,771
I hid a muscle relaxer
in it.

400
00:16:11,804 --> 00:16:14,974
That's right. I used your
favorite cheese against you.

401
00:16:15,008 --> 00:16:16,876
Well, why would you go
and do a thing like --

402
00:16:19,546 --> 00:16:22,049
(thunder crashing)

403
00:16:22,082 --> 00:16:23,650
Mm.

404
00:16:27,054 --> 00:16:28,721
Grandma Huang.

405
00:16:28,755 --> 00:16:30,190
You can walk?

406
00:16:30,223 --> 00:16:34,294
The Ghost of Christmas Future
has functional feet.

407
00:16:34,327 --> 00:16:37,530
Wait,
you speak English?

408
00:16:37,564 --> 00:16:39,699
You don't dream in Mandarin,
do you?

409
00:16:46,673 --> 00:16:49,008
I'm gonna miss you, Mark.

410
00:16:53,613 --> 00:16:55,382
Cattleman's is closing?

411
00:16:55,415 --> 00:16:59,986
Losing your friendship sent
Louis into a deep depression.

412
00:17:00,019 --> 00:17:03,723
Without his charisma,
the customers stopped coming in.

413
00:17:03,756 --> 00:17:06,025
And the restaurant
was forced to close.

414
00:17:08,895 --> 00:17:12,199
A funeral?
What a lousy turnout.

415
00:17:12,232 --> 00:17:14,501
What is this?
Hitler's funeral? Ha.

416
00:17:14,534 --> 00:17:16,403
This is your funeral.

417
00:17:20,240 --> 00:17:21,674
Where is everybody?

418
00:17:21,708 --> 00:17:23,776
You sued them all.

419
00:17:23,810 --> 00:17:27,847
That's right.
You sued all your friends away.

420
00:17:27,880 --> 00:17:30,217
What about Honey?
She's got to be here.

421
00:17:30,250 --> 00:17:34,287
(somber Latin music playing)

422
00:17:34,321 --> 00:17:36,189
They reconnected?

423
00:17:36,223 --> 00:17:37,857
Big time.

424
00:17:37,890 --> 00:17:40,293
I can't believe he's gone.

425
00:17:40,327 --> 00:17:43,796
Don't cry with your eyes.
Cry with your legs.

426
00:17:43,830 --> 00:17:46,833
**

427
00:17:58,411 --> 00:18:00,280
No!

428
00:18:00,313 --> 00:18:02,382
Wha!

429
00:18:02,415 --> 00:18:03,550
(sighs)

430
00:18:03,583 --> 00:18:06,253
**

431
00:18:09,756 --> 00:18:11,724
Tickle Me Elmo!
You got one!

432
00:18:11,758 --> 00:18:14,026
(laughs)

433
00:18:19,832 --> 00:18:21,634
"Do not open
until Kwanzaa"?

434
00:18:21,668 --> 00:18:24,437
As you know, Kwanzaa doesn't
start until the 26th.

435
00:18:24,471 --> 00:18:27,274
Totally.
I'll open it tomorrow.

436
00:18:27,307 --> 00:18:30,577
Unfortunately, "zawadi",
the Swahili word for "gifts",

437
00:18:30,610 --> 00:18:32,612
aren't opened
until the seventh day.

438
00:18:34,214 --> 00:18:36,416
You know,
Christmas ain't that bad.

439
00:18:36,449 --> 00:18:38,185
I can celebrate Kwanzaa
next year.

440
00:18:42,155 --> 00:18:44,824
Enjoy. That's where I learned
all of those facts.

441
00:18:44,857 --> 00:18:46,293
(pounding at door)

442
00:18:46,326 --> 00:18:47,960
MARVIN: Louis!

443
00:18:50,830 --> 00:18:52,265
Marvin,
what are you doing here?

444
00:18:52,299 --> 00:18:55,101
I came to tell you
I'm dropping the lawsuit.

445
00:18:55,134 --> 00:18:57,270
I've been a damn fool.
(laughs)

446
00:18:57,304 --> 00:18:58,838
Well,
what changed your mind?

447
00:18:58,871 --> 00:19:01,107
Well, let's just say
a wise man once said,

448
00:19:01,140 --> 00:19:04,110
"Friends don't casually sue
each other for insurance money."

449
00:19:04,143 --> 00:19:05,845
(laughs)

450
00:19:05,878 --> 00:19:07,214
Here.
-Oh.

451
00:19:07,247 --> 00:19:08,981
Well, I wish I hadn't
thrown away my PJs.

452
00:19:09,015 --> 00:19:11,284
We can share mine.
Here, take the bottoms.

453
00:19:11,318 --> 00:19:12,619
Uh, no, ah, we're --
I'm good.

454
00:19:12,652 --> 00:19:14,053
(both chuckle)

455
00:19:18,090 --> 00:19:20,960
Evan, why aren't you
playing with your Elmo?

456
00:19:20,993 --> 00:19:23,162
Just getting a head start
on my thank-you notes.

457
00:19:23,196 --> 00:19:25,164
After everything I went through
to get that toy,

458
00:19:25,198 --> 00:19:27,367
I should come in here
to a giggling, tickling party.

459
00:19:27,400 --> 00:19:30,370
I should be yelling at you
to cut it out with the giggles.

460
00:19:30,403 --> 00:19:33,640
I should be saying,
"Stop tickling Elmo."

461
00:19:33,673 --> 00:19:36,175
Okay, sure.
I'll play with him.

462
00:19:37,577 --> 00:19:39,812
(Elmo giggles)

463
00:19:39,846 --> 00:19:40,980
That tickles.

464
00:19:41,013 --> 00:19:43,149
That was enough fun
for one day.

465
00:19:43,182 --> 00:19:45,618
(sighs)

466
00:19:48,020 --> 00:19:50,757
Is that the Megazord I got you
last Christmas?

467
00:19:50,790 --> 00:19:54,261
And the Karate Tortoise
from two years ago?

468
00:19:54,294 --> 00:19:55,728
All still in boxes.

469
00:19:55,762 --> 00:19:59,232
Evan, why aren't you playing
with my presents?

470
00:19:59,266 --> 00:20:02,068
I don't really love toys.

471
00:20:02,101 --> 00:20:03,703
I see you playing with

472
00:20:03,736 --> 00:20:05,872
your little stuffed animals
all the time.

473
00:20:05,905 --> 00:20:08,675
My Beanie Babies aren't toys,
they're friends.

474
00:20:08,708 --> 00:20:12,379
Mom, there's no vacancy
in my heart for new friends.

475
00:20:12,412 --> 00:20:13,880
The inn is full.

476
00:20:13,913 --> 00:20:16,015
Well, then, why did you
ask me for an Elmo?

477
00:20:16,048 --> 00:20:18,251
You really wanted me
to pick a toy,

478
00:20:18,285 --> 00:20:19,686
so I picked
the hardest one to get

479
00:20:19,719 --> 00:20:21,754
since I know
you like a challenge.

480
00:20:21,788 --> 00:20:25,358
Giving me Christmas presents
is what you like to do.

481
00:20:25,392 --> 00:20:27,627
It makes me happy
that it makes you happy.

482
00:20:29,662 --> 00:20:33,633
Well, now it's my turn
to make you happy.

483
00:20:33,666 --> 00:20:37,103
Come on, tell Mommy what
you really want for Christmas.

484
00:20:37,136 --> 00:20:39,238
I just want to
spend time with you.

485
00:20:39,272 --> 00:20:43,075
I know you're not supposed
to have favorites,

486
00:20:43,109 --> 00:20:45,745
but then you say
things like that

487
00:20:45,778 --> 00:20:47,480
and what am I
supposed to do?

488
00:20:49,616 --> 00:20:50,717
You're my favorite.

489
00:20:50,750 --> 00:20:52,485
I know.

490
00:20:57,857 --> 00:20:59,559
Mom!
It's Christmas day.

491
00:20:59,592 --> 00:21:01,561
Why do we have to see
"Jingle All the Way" again?

492
00:21:01,594 --> 00:21:03,062
Because Evan missed it.

493
00:21:03,095 --> 00:21:04,964
I remember where you all laughed
the first time.

494
00:21:04,997 --> 00:21:07,667
If I don't hear the same laughs
at the same moments, I'll know.

495
00:21:07,700 --> 00:21:09,168
Except for
the Sinbad lines,

496
00:21:09,201 --> 00:21:11,103
I laughed
all the way through.

497
00:21:11,137 --> 00:21:12,939
Evan, popcorn.

498
00:21:14,974 --> 00:21:16,309
Chili cups?

499
00:21:16,343 --> 00:21:18,645
-Yes, please.
-(laughs)

500
00:21:18,678 --> 00:21:20,680
Merry Christmas,
Chili Boy Marv.

501
00:21:20,713 --> 00:21:23,350
Merry Christmas,
Chili Boy Lou.

502
00:21:24,216 --> 00:21:26,653
This is the fourth time
we have seen this movie.

503
00:21:26,686 --> 00:21:28,154
It has to be the last.

504
00:21:28,187 --> 00:21:30,022
No way.

505
00:21:30,056 --> 00:21:33,059
-- Captions by VITA --