1 00:00:02,503 --> 00:00:03,871 I'M JUST AFRAID THAT MACARONI ART 2 00:00:03,904 --> 00:00:06,974 COULD BE OFFENSIVE TO OUR "I-TALIAN" FAMILIES. 3 00:00:07,007 --> 00:00:09,043 I MEAN, IMAGINE HOW YOU'D FEEL, YOU KNOW, 4 00:00:09,077 --> 00:00:12,213 IF I'D MADE SOME SORT OF BAGEL STATUE, 5 00:00:12,246 --> 00:00:13,514 YOU KNOW? [ KNOCK ON DOOR ] 6 00:00:13,547 --> 00:00:14,715 OH. GOTTA GO. 7 00:00:14,748 --> 00:00:15,983 PRINCIPAL THOMAS? [ HANGS UP RECEIVER ] 8 00:00:16,016 --> 00:00:17,918 MR. AND MRS. HUANG, COME IN. COME IN. 9 00:00:17,951 --> 00:00:18,919 WE CAME AS SOON AS WE COULD. 10 00:00:18,952 --> 00:00:21,055 WHATEVER EVAN AND EMERY ARE IN TROUBLE FOR, 11 00:00:21,089 --> 00:00:22,823 EDDIE PUT THEM UP TO IT. 12 00:00:22,856 --> 00:00:24,692 OH, DON'T WORRY. YOUR BOYS AREN'T IN TROUBLE. 13 00:00:24,725 --> 00:00:25,826 OH. [ LAUGHS ] 14 00:00:25,859 --> 00:00:26,927 WHAT A RELIEF! GOOD! 15 00:00:26,960 --> 00:00:28,196 YOU ARE. 16 00:00:28,229 --> 00:00:29,997 WHAT?! WHY? WHAT DID WE DO? 17 00:00:30,030 --> 00:00:31,899 IT'S WHAT YOU HAVEN'T DO. 18 00:00:31,932 --> 00:00:33,267 WE'VE BEEN LOOKING THROUGH OUR RECORDS, 19 00:00:33,301 --> 00:00:35,069 AND WE NOTICED THAT YOU HAVEN'T VOLUNTEERED 20 00:00:35,103 --> 00:00:37,938 FOR ANY EXTRACURRICULAR ACTIVITIES. 21 00:00:37,971 --> 00:00:39,740 WHY -- WHY WOULD WE DO THAT? 22 00:00:39,773 --> 00:00:44,278 MRS. HUANG, OUR SCHOOL BUDGET HAS EXPERIENCED MAJOR CUTBACKS. 23 00:00:44,312 --> 00:00:47,915 WE RELY ON PARENTS TO SUPERVISE OUR AFTER-SCHOOL PROGRAMS. 24 00:00:47,948 --> 00:00:50,551 WELL, I'M SORRY. WE'RE BUSY WITH OUR OWN AFTER-SCHOOL PROGRAMS. 25 00:00:50,584 --> 00:00:53,287 THEY'RE CALLED JOBS. 26 00:00:53,321 --> 00:00:54,888 [ LAUGHS NERVOUSLY ] 27 00:00:54,922 --> 00:00:58,292 UH, WHAT MY WIFE MEANS IS SHE HAS HER REAL ESTATE CAREER, 28 00:00:58,326 --> 00:00:59,927 AND I HAVE MY STEAKHOUSE. 29 00:00:59,960 --> 00:01:01,295 LOOK, WE CAN'T VOLUNTEER. 30 00:01:01,329 --> 00:01:04,098 IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE WE CAN DO? 31 00:01:04,132 --> 00:01:06,033 WELL, YOU CAN DONATE MONEY. 32 00:01:06,066 --> 00:01:08,202 HOW DO WE VOLUNTEER? HOW DO WE VOLUNTEER? 33 00:01:08,236 --> 00:01:10,271 -- Captions by VITAC -- 34 00:01:10,304 --> 00:01:11,472 * FRESH OFF THE BOAT 35 00:01:11,505 --> 00:01:13,307 * I'M GETTIN' MINE EVERYWHERE I GO * 36 00:01:13,341 --> 00:01:15,476 * IF YOU DON'T KNOW, HOMEY, NOW YOU KNOW * 37 00:01:15,509 --> 00:01:16,810 * FRESH OFF THE BOAT 38 00:01:16,844 --> 00:01:19,413 * HOMEY DON'T KNOW WHERE I COME FROM * 39 00:01:19,447 --> 00:01:20,648 * BUT I KNOW WHERE I'M GOIN' 40 00:01:20,681 --> 00:01:22,516 * I'M FRESH OFF THE BOAT 41 00:01:26,454 --> 00:01:29,990 BOYS, WE'VE GOT GREAT NEWS. 42 00:01:30,023 --> 00:01:31,925 WHERE'D YOU GET QUESADILLAS? 43 00:01:31,959 --> 00:01:33,794 YOU TOLD ME I COULDN'T USE THE OVEN, 44 00:01:33,827 --> 00:01:35,929 BUT YOU NEVER SAID ANYTHING ABOUT THE IRON. 45 00:01:35,963 --> 00:01:38,065 [ WATER SPRITZES, STEAM HISSES ] 46 00:01:38,098 --> 00:01:40,067 [ SIGHS ] BOTH OF YOUR SCHOOLS 47 00:01:40,100 --> 00:01:43,837 ARE MAKING YOUR FATHER AND ME MANDATORY VOLUNTEER. 48 00:01:43,871 --> 00:01:47,275 I HAVE TO THE BOSS OF SOME COSTUME SHOW? 49 00:01:47,308 --> 00:01:49,076 YOU'RE DIRECTING THE SCHOOL PLAY. 50 00:01:49,109 --> 00:01:50,311 Jessica: OH. OH, YAY! 51 00:01:50,344 --> 00:01:52,079 ME AND EVAN ARE IN THE PLAY! 52 00:01:52,112 --> 00:01:54,915 YOU ARE? WHY? YOU'RE NOT GONNA BECOME ACTORS. 53 00:01:54,948 --> 00:01:57,318 YOU THINK THEY'RE GONNA PUT TWO CHINESE BOYS ON TV? 54 00:01:57,351 --> 00:01:59,953 MAYBE IF THERE'S A NERDY FRIEND 55 00:01:59,987 --> 00:02:02,690 OR A MAGICAL THING WHERE SOMEONE WANDERS INTO A CHINATOWN, 56 00:02:02,723 --> 00:02:04,158 BUT NO. 57 00:02:04,192 --> 00:02:05,526 THE PLAY IS FUN. 58 00:02:05,559 --> 00:02:09,463 LET ME TELL YOU A STORY ABOUT FUN. 59 00:02:09,497 --> 00:02:12,032 ONCE, THERE WAS A LITTLE GIRL, AND ALL SHE WANTED 60 00:02:12,065 --> 00:02:15,068 WAS A SPARKLE TIME BEAUTY HORSE. 61 00:02:16,069 --> 00:02:17,638 THE KNOCKOFF VERSION OF MY LITTLE PONY. 62 00:02:17,671 --> 00:02:18,972 WHEN YOU HUGGED THEM, IT BURNED, 63 00:02:19,006 --> 00:02:21,275 BUT YOU PLAYED THROUGH THAT PAIN. 64 00:02:21,309 --> 00:02:25,513 AND ONE IN EVERY FIVE HAD A HUMAN FACE. 65 00:02:25,546 --> 00:02:27,014 DID THE LITTLE GIRL EVER GET ONE? 66 00:02:27,047 --> 00:02:29,517 NO, SHE GOT SOMETHING EVEN BETTER -- 67 00:02:29,550 --> 00:02:32,052 A STRONG WORK ETHIC. 68 00:02:32,085 --> 00:02:33,221 SHE FOCUSED ON HER STUDIES 69 00:02:33,254 --> 00:02:37,157 AND BECAME THE FIRST ONE IN HER FAMILY TO GO TO COLLEGE. 70 00:02:39,660 --> 00:02:41,895 THINK ABOUT THAT. 71 00:02:43,030 --> 00:02:45,032 WHAT GIRL WAS SHE TALKING ABOUT? 72 00:02:45,065 --> 00:02:48,001 CONNIE CHUNG. HAS TO BE CONNIE CHUNG. 73 00:02:48,035 --> 00:02:49,470 WHO ELSE IS THERE? 74 00:02:49,503 --> 00:02:51,739 DAD, ARE YOU VOLUNTEERING FOR THE SCHOOL PLAY, TOO? 75 00:02:51,772 --> 00:02:52,906 NOPE, I GOT A GOOD ONE. 76 00:02:52,940 --> 00:02:55,809 I'M COACHING EDDIE'S BASKETBALL TEAM. 77 00:02:55,843 --> 00:02:57,911 OH, DOPE! WE'VE NEVER HAD A COACH. [ CHUCKLES ] 78 00:02:57,945 --> 00:02:59,347 TRENT'S BEEN WEARING A TIE 79 00:02:59,380 --> 00:03:00,681 AND PUTTING HIS HANDS ON HIS WAIST A LOT, 80 00:03:00,714 --> 00:03:03,083 BUT NOBODY'S BUYING IT. 81 00:03:03,116 --> 00:03:05,353 [ SNEAKERS SQUEAKING ] 82 00:03:05,386 --> 00:03:07,488 YOU BUMS! 83 00:03:07,521 --> 00:03:09,723 I MENTIONED I PLAYED SEMI-PRO BASKETBALL 84 00:03:09,757 --> 00:03:11,925 BACK IN TAIWAN, AND THEY ASSIGNED IT TO ME. 85 00:03:11,959 --> 00:03:15,062 WHAT?! YOU PLAYED HOOPS? YOU NEVER TOLD ME THAT! 86 00:03:15,095 --> 00:03:17,765 NO, IT WAS YEARS AGO. I DIDN'T WANNA BRAG. 87 00:03:17,798 --> 00:03:19,066 BUT YEAH. [ CHUCKLES ] 88 00:03:19,099 --> 00:03:22,002 I PLAYED POINT GUARD IN THE MYSTIC TIGER LEAGUE. 89 00:03:22,035 --> 00:03:24,104 THAT IS AWESOME! 90 00:03:24,137 --> 00:03:26,907 ARE YOU GONNA TEACH US HOW TO PLAY TAIWANESE-STYLE BASKETBALL? 91 00:03:28,709 --> 00:03:30,911 ONLY WAY I KNOW HOW. 92 00:03:33,046 --> 00:03:34,782 WHOA. 93 00:03:34,815 --> 00:03:37,184 THIS...IS GONNA BE... 94 00:03:37,217 --> 00:03:38,586 AMAZING. 95 00:03:38,619 --> 00:03:41,221 *** 96 00:03:46,059 --> 00:03:47,695 [ BOTH GRUNTING ] 97 00:03:47,728 --> 00:03:49,229 UHH! AAH! 98 00:03:57,671 --> 00:03:58,972 HUH? 99 00:03:59,006 --> 00:03:59,973 HUH? WHOA. 100 00:04:01,275 --> 00:04:05,346 AAH! 101 00:04:08,982 --> 00:04:10,183 [ GROWLS ] 102 00:04:13,186 --> 00:04:15,956 [ GRUNTS ] 103 00:04:15,989 --> 00:04:17,291 [ BLOWS AIR ] 104 00:04:22,663 --> 00:04:25,933 [ CHEERING ] [ TIGER GROWLS ] 105 00:04:27,868 --> 00:04:29,537 [ LASER FIRES, EXPLOSION ] 106 00:04:30,938 --> 00:04:35,142 WHOA. THAT CERTAINLY EXPLAINS HOW HE CAUGHT THE APPLE. 107 00:04:37,110 --> 00:04:39,747 WELL, I AM SO GLAD YOU ARE HELPING US OUT, JESSICA. 108 00:04:39,780 --> 00:04:43,016 YES, BECAME MANDATORY. YES. [ CHUCKLES ] 109 00:04:43,050 --> 00:04:47,621 OOP! LOOKS LIKE REHEARSAL HAS STARTED. [ PIANO PLAYING ] 110 00:04:47,655 --> 00:04:50,691 [ CHILDREN SHOUTING PLAYFULLY ] 111 00:04:50,724 --> 00:04:53,327 [ Whispers ] OH. WHAT AM I SEEING? 112 00:04:53,361 --> 00:04:56,997 IT'S CALLED "THE SUNFLOWER GANG GOES TO YUMLAND." 113 00:04:57,030 --> 00:04:58,432 THE KIDS LOVE IT. 114 00:04:58,466 --> 00:05:00,368 EVERY CHARACTER HAS THE SAME NUMBER OF LINES, 115 00:05:00,401 --> 00:05:04,438 AND ALL THE WORLD'S CULTURES ARE EQUALLY REPRESENTED. 116 00:05:04,472 --> 00:05:06,874 WE'VE BEEN PERFORMING IT FOR SIX YEARS RUNNING... 117 00:05:06,907 --> 00:05:08,609 MM. WITHOUT OFFENDING ANYONE, 118 00:05:08,642 --> 00:05:11,379 AND THAT INCLUDES OUR "I-TALIAN" FAMILIES. 119 00:05:11,412 --> 00:05:13,113 OH. 120 00:05:13,146 --> 00:05:15,716 I'M GONNA LEAVE YOU HERE WITH THE OTHER DIRECTORS. [ SIGHS ] 121 00:05:15,749 --> 00:05:17,150 OTHER DIRECTORS? 122 00:05:17,918 --> 00:05:19,219 LOOKING GOOD, MAURICE. 123 00:05:19,252 --> 00:05:20,788 DAMN YOU, TETRIS. 124 00:05:20,821 --> 00:05:23,491 YOU HAVE FOUR OTHER PARENTS HERE. WHY DO YOU NEED ME? 125 00:05:23,524 --> 00:05:24,792 DIVERSITY. 126 00:05:24,825 --> 00:05:26,794 PLUS, WHEN YOU'RE PUTTING ON A SHOW, 127 00:05:26,827 --> 00:05:30,731 YOU CAN NEVER HAVE TOO MANY VOICES CHIMING IN. [ SIGHS ] 128 00:05:34,034 --> 00:05:35,836 THE MYSTIC TIGER LEAGUE? 129 00:05:35,869 --> 00:05:38,972 YEAH, MAN. TAIWANESE-STYLE BALL. 130 00:05:39,006 --> 00:05:40,307 IT'S GONNA BE SICK. 131 00:05:40,340 --> 00:05:42,843 IF YOU THINK OUR TEAM'S GOOD NOW, WAIT TILL MY DAD SHOWS UP. 132 00:05:42,876 --> 00:05:44,912 [ BLOWS WHISTLE ] 133 00:05:44,945 --> 00:05:46,647 WAIT'S OVER! HI, BOYS. 134 00:05:46,680 --> 00:05:50,651 I'M COACH HUANG, YOUR NEW... 135 00:05:50,684 --> 00:05:51,919 COACH. 136 00:05:51,952 --> 00:05:55,723 DAD, TEACH US HOW TO FLY, KICK, AND DUNK AT THE SAME TIME. 137 00:05:55,756 --> 00:05:57,024 WE'LL GET TO THAT. 138 00:05:57,057 --> 00:05:58,859 BUT FOR NOW, EVERYBODY GRAB A PARTNER. 139 00:05:58,892 --> 00:06:01,194 AND LINE UP ACROSS FROM EACH OTHER. 140 00:06:01,228 --> 00:06:05,032 NOW THIS FIRST DRILL IS CALLED THE B.P. DRAGON. 141 00:06:05,065 --> 00:06:06,534 AWESOME. NICE! 142 00:06:06,567 --> 00:06:09,102 I WANT YOU TO BOUNCE THE BALL TO YOUR PARTNER... 143 00:06:09,136 --> 00:06:14,007 GOOD. AND THEY BOUNCE THE BALL BACK. 144 00:06:14,041 --> 00:06:16,577 AND YOU KEEP DOING THAT 200 TIMES. 145 00:06:17,945 --> 00:06:19,613 WHAT IS THAT? 146 00:06:19,647 --> 00:06:21,415 IT'S THE BOUNCE PASS DRAGON, 147 00:06:21,449 --> 00:06:23,451 FAITHFUL GUARDIAN OF THE PASSING LANE. 148 00:06:25,118 --> 00:06:27,588 DAD, CAN I TALK TO YOU? 149 00:06:27,621 --> 00:06:28,789 UH, SURE. 150 00:06:28,822 --> 00:06:30,691 UH, GO AHEAD AND TRY SOME PASSES, BOYS. 151 00:06:30,724 --> 00:06:32,426 REMEMBER, THUMBS DOWN ON THE RELEASE, 152 00:06:32,460 --> 00:06:36,363 LIKE YOU'RE HELPING A STUBBORN GOAT CROSS A BRIDGE. 153 00:06:36,396 --> 00:06:40,100 I THOUGHT YOU WERE GONNA TEACH US TAIWANESE-STYLE BALL. 154 00:06:40,133 --> 00:06:41,401 THAT'S WHAT I'M DOING. 155 00:06:41,435 --> 00:06:43,604 THAT WAS TAIWANESE-STYLE BASKETBALL? 156 00:06:43,637 --> 00:06:44,905 ABSOLUTELY. 157 00:06:44,938 --> 00:06:45,939 WHEN YOU PLAY THAT FAR BELOW THE RIM, 158 00:06:45,973 --> 00:06:48,408 IT'S ALL ABOUT FUNDAMENTALS AND TEAMWORK. 159 00:06:48,442 --> 00:06:50,243 I THOUGHT YOU PLAYED IN THE MYSTIC TIGER LEAGUE. 160 00:06:50,277 --> 00:06:53,046 I DID. WE WERE SPONSORED BY MYSTIC TIGER CIGARETTES. 161 00:06:53,080 --> 00:06:55,649 THEY ADVERTISED THEMSELVES AS THE BREAKFAST CIGARETTE. 162 00:06:55,683 --> 00:06:58,619 [ CHICKEN CLUCKING ] 163 00:07:02,422 --> 00:07:05,258 WELL, WE'RE NOT TRYING TO LEARN BOUNCE PASSES. 164 00:07:05,292 --> 00:07:06,994 WE WANNA LOOK COOL. 165 00:07:07,027 --> 00:07:09,329 EDDIE, BASKETBALL ISN'T ABOUT LOOKING COOL. 166 00:07:09,362 --> 00:07:11,599 IT'S ABOUT BEING A GOOD TEAMMATE. 167 00:07:11,632 --> 00:07:13,233 THAT'LL HELP YOU IN LIFE AS WELL. 168 00:07:13,266 --> 00:07:15,769 I COULDN'T RUN CATTLEMAN'S RANCH WITHOUT MY TEAM. 169 00:07:15,803 --> 00:07:18,405 TRUST ME, ONE DAY YOU'LL THANK ME FOR THIS. 170 00:07:18,438 --> 00:07:19,973 [ BLOWS WHISTLE ] 171 00:07:20,007 --> 00:07:21,141 I TOLD YOU, DOUG, I'M THE GOGGLE GUY. 172 00:07:21,174 --> 00:07:22,976 YOU CAN BE THE WRISTBAND GUY. 173 00:07:23,010 --> 00:07:24,411 I DON'T WANNA BE THE WRISTBAND GUY! 174 00:07:24,444 --> 00:07:25,946 MY WRISTS GET HOT! 175 00:07:25,979 --> 00:07:28,081 WELL, WE CAN'T HAVE TWO GOGGLE GUYS ON THE TEAM. 176 00:07:28,115 --> 00:07:29,950 HOW WILL PEOPLE TELL US APART? 177 00:07:29,983 --> 00:07:31,685 TAKE 'EM OFF! NO! NO! 178 00:07:31,719 --> 00:07:33,987 HEY, BOYS, STOP! YOU'RE ON THE SAME TEAM! 179 00:07:34,021 --> 00:07:35,589 DAD, LET ME HANDLE THIS. 180 00:07:35,623 --> 00:07:38,458 [ WALTER AND DOUG GRUNTING ] 181 00:07:38,492 --> 00:07:39,993 FIGHT! FIGHT! 182 00:07:40,027 --> 00:07:42,429 Boys: FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! 183 00:07:47,868 --> 00:07:49,369 [ PIANO PLAYING ] 184 00:07:49,402 --> 00:07:51,271 Boy: ALL FEELINGS ARE VALID! 185 00:07:51,304 --> 00:07:54,174 THE EARLY BIRDS CATCHES THE HUG! 186 00:07:54,207 --> 00:07:56,176 WHAT A WASTE OF TIME. 187 00:07:56,209 --> 00:07:57,511 CAN YOU IMAGINE IF WE'D TOLD OUR PARENTS 188 00:07:57,545 --> 00:07:59,179 WE WANNA DO SOMETHING LIKE THIS? 189 00:07:59,212 --> 00:08:02,883 MY MOTHER WAS SUPPORTIVE OF MY CREATIVE PURSUITS. 190 00:08:02,916 --> 00:08:04,885 I ACTUALLY DID THE TEMP TRACK FOR THE VOICE OF THE BABY 191 00:08:04,918 --> 00:08:06,353 IN "LOOK WHO'S TALKING." 192 00:08:07,521 --> 00:08:10,190 [ Lowered voice ] KIRSTIE ALLEY IS CRAZY. 193 00:08:11,925 --> 00:08:13,794 I MEAN, MY HUSBAND AND I MOVED TO THIS COUNTRY 194 00:08:13,827 --> 00:08:17,998 TO GIVE OUR KIDS A BETTER LIFE, NOT THIS NONSENSE. 195 00:08:18,031 --> 00:08:20,133 DO YOU THINK TETRIS KNOWS WHEN YOU NEED AN "L" 196 00:08:20,167 --> 00:08:22,402 AND PURPOSELY DOESN'T GIVE IT TO YOU? 197 00:08:22,435 --> 00:08:24,905 * DUN-DA-DA-DA 198 00:08:24,938 --> 00:08:26,139 WOOF WOOF! 199 00:08:26,173 --> 00:08:27,407 *** 200 00:08:27,440 --> 00:08:29,042 MEOW! 201 00:08:29,076 --> 00:08:32,580 AW, HELL, NO! 202 00:08:34,114 --> 00:08:37,150 ALL RIGHT, BOYS, I GOT A SURPRISE FOR YOU. 203 00:08:37,184 --> 00:08:40,754 I ORDERED US NEW UNIFORMS. 204 00:08:40,788 --> 00:08:42,890 WHERE'S THE REST OF THE SHORTS? 205 00:08:42,923 --> 00:08:44,057 WE DON'T NEED ALL THE EXTRA FABRIC 206 00:08:44,091 --> 00:08:45,759 GETTING IN THE WAY OF OUR FOOTWORK. 207 00:08:45,793 --> 00:08:46,860 COME ON OUT, DAVE! 208 00:08:48,862 --> 00:08:51,832 [ BOYS LAUGHING ] LOOK HOW FREE HIS THIGHS ARE! 209 00:08:51,865 --> 00:08:53,333 AND WHITE. 210 00:08:53,366 --> 00:08:55,903 LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE BLEACHED A GHOST. 211 00:08:55,936 --> 00:08:57,004 [ DOOR BANGS ] 212 00:08:57,037 --> 00:08:59,206 UH, I'M SORRY, SIR. PARENTS HAVE TO WAIT IN THE GYM. 213 00:08:59,239 --> 00:09:02,876 DAD, THAT'S DMITRI, OUR STAR PLAYER. 214 00:09:02,910 --> 00:09:04,444 BUT... 215 00:09:04,477 --> 00:09:06,513 HE'S ON THE TEAM? HOW OLD IS HE? 216 00:09:06,546 --> 00:09:07,848 11 1/2. 217 00:09:07,881 --> 00:09:09,549 WHAT?! 218 00:09:09,583 --> 00:09:11,118 BUT HE'S ALREADY BALDING. 219 00:09:11,151 --> 00:09:13,020 THAT'S WHERE HIS HEAD HITS THE RIM. 220 00:09:13,053 --> 00:09:14,855 BUT HE WASN'T AT PRACTICE. 221 00:09:14,888 --> 00:09:17,424 DAD, DMITRI DOESN'T PRACTICE. 222 00:09:17,457 --> 00:09:20,393 HE JUST SHOWS UP TO GAMES AND CRUSHES IT. 223 00:09:20,427 --> 00:09:23,897 EDDIE, YOU CAN'T COUNT ON ONE PLAYER TO CARRY A WHOLE TEAM. 224 00:09:23,931 --> 00:09:26,033 IF YOU DO, I THINK YOU'LL FIND -- 225 00:09:26,066 --> 00:09:27,868 [ DOORS BANG ] 226 00:09:27,901 --> 00:09:29,637 Boys: [ Chanting ] DMITRI! DMITRI! DMITRI! DMITRI! DMITRI! [ CROWD CHEERING ] 227 00:09:29,670 --> 00:09:32,973 [ Deep voice ] DMITRI! 228 00:09:33,941 --> 00:09:36,276 [ FOOTSTEPS APPROACH ] 229 00:09:36,309 --> 00:09:39,246 YOU LOST THE GAME, HUH? 230 00:09:39,279 --> 00:09:41,314 NO. WE WON. 231 00:09:41,348 --> 00:09:44,718 IT...WAS...AWESOME. 232 00:09:44,752 --> 00:09:46,319 DMITRI LOOKED RIGHT AT ME, 233 00:09:46,353 --> 00:09:49,156 LIKE HE ALMOST THOUGHT ABOUT PASSING TO ME! 234 00:09:49,189 --> 00:09:51,458 WHY AREN'T YOU HAPPY? YOU WON. 235 00:09:51,491 --> 00:09:53,894 BECAUSE IT'S NOT ABOUT WINNING. 236 00:09:53,927 --> 00:09:55,462 I'M TRYING TO TEACH THESE KIDS ABOUT TEAMWORK, 237 00:09:55,495 --> 00:09:57,597 BUT THEIR PRIORITIES ARE ALL WRONG. 238 00:09:57,631 --> 00:10:00,768 EXACTLY. THEY HAVE NO WORK ETHIC. NOT LIKE US. 239 00:10:00,801 --> 00:10:03,170 THEY THINK LIFE IS ALL GUMDROPS AND WORM HUGS. 240 00:10:03,203 --> 00:10:05,739 AND COOL GOGGLES AND LONG, FLASHY SHORTS. 241 00:10:05,773 --> 00:10:07,607 THAT'S WHY I'M REWRITING THE SCHOOL PLAY, 242 00:10:07,641 --> 00:10:10,110 TO TEACH THE BOYS SOMETHING USEFUL. 243 00:10:10,143 --> 00:10:11,845 THAT'S WHAT I'M TRYING TO DO WITH EDDIE, 244 00:10:11,879 --> 00:10:13,346 HELP PREPARE HIM FOR THE REAL WORLD. 245 00:10:13,380 --> 00:10:15,783 BUT I DON'T THINK HE GETS IT. 246 00:10:15,816 --> 00:10:17,685 TOO BAD THEY DON'T HAVE CADDIES IN BASKETBALL, 247 00:10:17,718 --> 00:10:20,654 'CAUSE I WOULD JUST LOVE TO CARRY DMITRI'S BAG AND BE LIKE, 248 00:10:20,688 --> 00:10:22,189 "HEY, D., WHAT DO YOU NEED? 249 00:10:22,222 --> 00:10:25,358 BALL? TOWEL? SPORTS DRINK?" 250 00:10:25,392 --> 00:10:27,795 IS THAT REALLY WHAT YOU WANNA TAKE AWAY FROM THIS? 251 00:10:27,828 --> 00:10:29,863 CARRYING DMITRI'S BAG? 252 00:10:29,897 --> 00:10:32,599 IT'S BETTER THAN CARRYING GRANDMA'S BAG LIKE EVAN. 253 00:10:32,632 --> 00:10:36,336 [ Strained voice ] GRANDMA, DO YOU NEED ANYTHING IN HERE? 254 00:10:36,369 --> 00:10:39,006 MAYBE ONES OF YOUR "TV GUIDES"? 255 00:10:44,211 --> 00:10:46,479 [ GIRLS GIGGLING ] 256 00:10:46,513 --> 00:10:47,848 [ WHISTLE BLOWS ] 257 00:10:47,881 --> 00:10:49,983 OKAY, BOYS, ENOUGH GOOFING OFF! 258 00:10:50,017 --> 00:10:51,118 LET'S RUN SOME DRILLS. 259 00:10:51,151 --> 00:10:52,886 [ BOYS GROAN ] 260 00:10:52,920 --> 00:10:54,822 OH. YOU THINK DRILLS ARE LAME? 261 00:10:54,855 --> 00:10:57,557 WELL, YOU KNOW WHO DOESN'T THINK THEY'RE LAME? 262 00:10:57,590 --> 00:11:00,728 YOUR NBA HERO JOHN STOCKTON. 263 00:11:01,561 --> 00:11:03,697 HE MAY PLAY FOR THE JAZZ, 264 00:11:03,731 --> 00:11:06,033 BUT THERE'S NO IMPROVISATION IN HIS GAME. 265 00:11:06,066 --> 00:11:07,901 I SAW IT ON THE "SportsCenter" SHOW. 266 00:11:07,935 --> 00:11:10,570 IT TEACHES THE IMPORTANCE OF SHAR-- 267 00:11:12,339 --> 00:11:13,807 Boys: OHH! [ GIRLS SQUEAL ] 268 00:11:13,841 --> 00:11:15,308 NICE SHOT. 269 00:11:15,342 --> 00:11:17,377 OF COURSE, THAT NEVER WOULD'VE HAPPENED 270 00:11:17,410 --> 00:11:19,847 IF I WAS ACTUALLY DEFENDING DMITRI, 271 00:11:19,880 --> 00:11:21,681 IN WHICH CASE, I WOULD HAVE MY ARMS UP, 272 00:11:21,715 --> 00:11:23,016 AWAY FROM MY BODY. 273 00:11:24,384 --> 00:11:27,587 Boys: OHH! YEAH! [ GIRLS SQUEAL ] 274 00:11:29,622 --> 00:11:32,192 EDDIE, HOLD MY WHISTLE. 275 00:11:37,197 --> 00:11:42,035 [ PIANO PLAYING ] 276 00:11:43,436 --> 00:11:46,673 PULL UP A CHAIR, GUMDROP. YOU CAN BE OUR STUDY BUDDY. 277 00:11:46,706 --> 00:11:48,942 THANKS, BUT I DON'T NEED TO STUDY ANYMORE. 278 00:11:48,976 --> 00:11:51,578 I FOUND A NEW THING TO BE WHEN I GROW UP. 279 00:11:51,611 --> 00:11:53,246 IT'S CALLED ACTING. 280 00:11:53,280 --> 00:11:56,116 ACT-ING? WHAT'S THAT? 281 00:11:56,149 --> 00:11:59,019 SOMETHING THAT DOESN'T REQUIRE PREPARATION OR HARD WORK. 282 00:11:59,052 --> 00:12:03,223 I'M STUDYING TO BE A DOCTOR SO I CAN MAKE MY PARENTS PROUD. 283 00:12:03,256 --> 00:12:05,525 AND I'M PREPPING FOR THE BAR EXAM 284 00:12:05,558 --> 00:12:07,360 SO I CAN BECOME A LAWYER AND HAVE... 285 00:12:07,394 --> 00:12:09,529 [ Mouths words ] A STABLE INCOME AND HEALTH INSURANCE. 286 00:12:09,562 --> 00:12:13,867 WELL, IF YOU WANNA DO HOMEWORK, THAT'S YOUR "PAGROGATIVE." 287 00:12:13,901 --> 00:12:17,737 I'M GONNA GO GET SOME HEAD SHOTS TAKEN. 288 00:12:21,174 --> 00:12:22,742 MOM, WHY'D YOU TAKE OUT THE PART 289 00:12:22,776 --> 00:12:24,912 WHERE WE GO TO CANDY CORN MOUNTAIN? 290 00:12:24,945 --> 00:12:27,915 BECAUSE WE ARE DOING A NEW PLAY. 291 00:12:27,948 --> 00:12:30,818 IT'S CALLED "ACTING, A CAUTIONARY TALE, 292 00:12:30,851 --> 00:12:33,921 OR MR. GUMDROP GOES TO LAZYWOOD." 293 00:12:35,122 --> 00:12:38,258 Boys: OHH! 294 00:12:38,291 --> 00:12:40,994 YOU JUST GOT POSTER-IZED, COACH! 295 00:12:41,028 --> 00:12:43,563 [ PANTING ] NO, I WAS JUST LETTING DMITRI SHOW YOU 296 00:12:43,596 --> 00:12:46,633 AN EXAMPLE OF WHAT'S WRONG WITH BASKETBALL TODAY. 297 00:12:46,666 --> 00:12:48,936 YEAH, WE CAUGHT THAT LESSON FIVE DUNKS AGO. 298 00:12:48,969 --> 00:12:50,137 DMITRI! 299 00:12:50,170 --> 00:12:52,405 WELL, THEN NOW YOU'RE READY FOR YOUR NEXT LESSON. 300 00:12:52,439 --> 00:12:55,742 A LAYUP IS WORTH JUST AS MANY POINTS AS A DUNK. 301 00:12:55,775 --> 00:12:57,710 SUBSTANCE OVER STYLE. 302 00:12:59,847 --> 00:13:00,914 UHH! UHH! 303 00:13:00,948 --> 00:13:02,182 [ THUD, BONES CRUNCH ] Dmitri: AAH! 304 00:13:02,215 --> 00:13:04,952 DAD? I THINK HE'S HURT. 305 00:13:07,120 --> 00:13:09,456 UH, ON THE BRIGHT SIDE, 306 00:13:09,489 --> 00:13:11,424 I PEEKED AT DMITRI'S MEDICAL RECORDS, 307 00:13:11,458 --> 00:13:13,927 AND HE IS INDEED 11 1/2. [ CHUCKLES ] 308 00:13:13,961 --> 00:13:16,163 [ INHALES DEEPLY, CLEARS THROAT ] 309 00:13:20,800 --> 00:13:22,602 SO OUR BEST PLAYER, 310 00:13:22,635 --> 00:13:24,938 BY THE FAULT OF NO ONE IN PARTICULAR, 311 00:13:24,972 --> 00:13:26,339 IS OUT FOR THE SEASON. 312 00:13:26,373 --> 00:13:28,175 DMITRI. 313 00:13:28,208 --> 00:13:32,645 BUT WE CAN STILL WIN THIS GAME BY PLAYING GOOD TEAM BASKETBALL. 314 00:13:32,679 --> 00:13:34,681 YOU'RE STILL COMING AT US WITH THAT NOISE? 315 00:13:34,714 --> 00:13:38,318 THIS ISN'T TAIWAN, DAD. NOBODY PLAYS LIKE THAT ANYMORE. 316 00:13:38,351 --> 00:13:40,854 [ BREATHES DEEPLY ] 317 00:13:40,888 --> 00:13:43,156 I'M GONNA TELL YOU GUYS A STORY 318 00:13:43,190 --> 00:13:45,458 ABOUT A TEAM BACK IN TAIPEI. 319 00:13:45,492 --> 00:13:47,460 THEY WERE A BAND OF RAGTAG MISFITS 320 00:13:47,494 --> 00:13:49,029 FROM ALL OVER CORNERS OF TOWN. 321 00:13:49,062 --> 00:13:51,899 SOME OF THEM WERE TOO SMALL. OTHERS TOO BIG. 322 00:13:51,932 --> 00:13:54,167 ONE OF THEM WAS A GIRL. 323 00:13:54,201 --> 00:13:55,402 BUT THEY WORKED TOGETHER, 324 00:13:55,435 --> 00:13:57,804 DEVELOPED A PLAY CALLED "THE FLYING V," 325 00:13:57,837 --> 00:14:00,007 AND BECAME UNSTOPPABLE! 326 00:14:03,743 --> 00:14:05,845 ISN'T THAT "THE MIGHTY DUCKS"? 327 00:14:05,879 --> 00:14:07,414 UM... 328 00:14:07,447 --> 00:14:09,382 I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT. 329 00:14:09,416 --> 00:14:11,151 WE RENTED IT LAST WEEKEND. 330 00:14:11,184 --> 00:14:13,220 WE WERE HIT WITH A REWIND FEE, AND YOU'RE LIKE, 331 00:14:13,253 --> 00:14:16,356 "I WILL NOT PAY A REWIND FEE FOR 'THE MIGHTY DUCKS'!" 332 00:14:16,389 --> 00:14:17,690 MM, NOT RINGING A BELL. 333 00:14:17,724 --> 00:14:20,560 LOOK, THE POINT IS, YOU GUYS ARE READY FOR THIS. 334 00:14:20,593 --> 00:14:21,861 YOU HAVE ALL THE TRAINING YOU NEED, 335 00:14:21,895 --> 00:14:23,430 SO LET'S GO OUT THERE 336 00:14:23,463 --> 00:14:26,599 AND LET'S WIN ONE FOR CHARLIE SHEEN'S BROTHER! 337 00:14:37,077 --> 00:14:39,546 [ BUZZER SOUNDS, WHISTLE BLOWS ] 338 00:14:39,579 --> 00:14:40,580 THAT'S HALF TIME! 339 00:14:40,613 --> 00:14:42,282 AW, SON OF A BITCH! 340 00:14:43,750 --> 00:14:45,352 [ MAKES SLICING NOISE, LAUGHS ] 341 00:14:45,385 --> 00:14:47,887 MAN, YOU SUCK! [ LAUGHS ] 342 00:14:49,822 --> 00:14:52,392 [ PIANO PLAYING ] 343 00:14:52,425 --> 00:14:55,328 [ Shivering ] SO...COLD. 344 00:14:57,164 --> 00:14:59,732 SOMEONE NEEDS OUR HELP. 345 00:15:02,402 --> 00:15:04,571 JUST AS I THOUGHT -- 346 00:15:04,604 --> 00:15:07,307 THIS BUM-DROP HASN'T WORKED IN MONTHS. 347 00:15:07,340 --> 00:15:09,242 THAT'S NOT A BUM-DROP. 348 00:15:09,276 --> 00:15:12,645 THAT'S GUMDROP, A CLASSMATE FROM MY YOUTH! 349 00:15:12,679 --> 00:15:15,949 I NEVER SHOULD'VE BECOME AN ACTOR. 350 00:15:15,983 --> 00:15:19,286 IT WAS A COMPLETE WASTE OF TIME. 351 00:15:19,319 --> 00:15:21,621 OH, WHAT HAPPENED TO YUMLAND? 352 00:15:21,654 --> 00:15:24,091 WHY AREN'T THE OTHER CHILDREN ON STAGE? 353 00:15:24,124 --> 00:15:25,325 I CUT THEM. [ SCOFFS ] 354 00:15:25,358 --> 00:15:27,394 IF THEY WANNA BE ACTORS SO BAD, 355 00:15:27,427 --> 00:15:29,662 THEY SHOULD GET USED TO BEING UNEMPLOYED. 356 00:15:29,696 --> 00:15:31,831 JESSICA, THE SCHOOL PLAY'S SUPPOSED TO BE FUN. 357 00:15:31,864 --> 00:15:34,101 DON'T YOU DO ANYTHING JUST FOR FUN? 358 00:15:34,134 --> 00:15:36,569 YES. I TEACH MY CHILDREN VALUABLE LIFE LESSONS 359 00:15:36,603 --> 00:15:38,605 SO THEY CAN BECOME SUCCESSFUL. 360 00:15:38,638 --> 00:15:39,906 AH. OKAY. OKAY. 361 00:15:39,939 --> 00:15:42,342 I CAN SEE WHERE WE'VE BEEN GETTING SOME COMPLAINTS. 362 00:15:42,375 --> 00:15:43,610 WHO COMPLAINED? 363 00:15:43,643 --> 00:15:45,345 HEY! UNICORN GIRL WITH A LISP! 364 00:15:45,378 --> 00:15:47,080 WAS IT YOU? I CAN'T PUT YOU UP THERE. 365 00:15:47,114 --> 00:15:49,416 NO ONE UNDERSTANDS WHAT YOU'RE SAYING. 366 00:15:49,449 --> 00:15:51,484 [ Lisps ] I'M THOWWY. 367 00:15:51,518 --> 00:15:54,387 YOU SEE WHAT I HAVE TO WORK WITH? 368 00:15:58,658 --> 00:16:01,028 SPEAKING FROM EXPERIENCE, 369 00:16:01,061 --> 00:16:02,629 THAT WAS A SPANKING. 370 00:16:02,662 --> 00:16:05,965 THEY HAVE THEIR OWN DMITRI. HE SCORED ALL THEIR POINTS. 371 00:16:05,999 --> 00:16:09,469 I CAN'T BELIEVE WE STILL HAVE ANOTHER HALF TO PLAY. 372 00:16:09,502 --> 00:16:12,372 GUYS, GOOD NEWS. I HAVE A PLAN. 373 00:16:12,405 --> 00:16:13,506 WE CAN QUIT. 374 00:16:13,540 --> 00:16:16,343 I WAS TALKING TO THE REF, AND THERE'S A MERCY RULE. 375 00:16:16,376 --> 00:16:18,545 HE EVEN DREW US A MAP TO THE NEAREST SHAKEY'S. 376 00:16:18,578 --> 00:16:20,180 APPARENTLY, THERE'S A LOSER'S DISCOUNT 377 00:16:20,213 --> 00:16:21,781 ON MOJO POTATOES. 378 00:16:21,814 --> 00:16:24,117 Walter: THANK GOODNESS! Dave: [ Whispers ] YES! 379 00:16:24,151 --> 00:16:25,518 I CALL SHOTGUN! 380 00:16:25,552 --> 00:16:27,020 EDDIE, YOU WERE RIGHT. 381 00:16:27,054 --> 00:16:29,989 BASKETBALL CLEARLY ISN'T ABOUT TEAM ANYMORE. 382 00:16:30,023 --> 00:16:31,724 IT'S ABOUT WHO HAS THE BIGGEST STAR. 383 00:16:31,758 --> 00:16:33,326 MONDAY, I'M CALLING YOUR SCHOOL 384 00:16:33,360 --> 00:16:35,295 AND TELLING THEM TO GET YOU A NEW COACH. 385 00:16:35,328 --> 00:16:37,330 NO, DAD, YOU CAN'T QUIT! 386 00:16:37,364 --> 00:16:39,066 AND NEITHER CAN WE. 387 00:16:39,099 --> 00:16:41,301 WE HAVE TO BEAT THESE JERKS. 388 00:16:41,334 --> 00:16:44,337 HOW? THEIR DMITRI'S STRONGER THAN US, BIGGER THAN US. 389 00:16:44,371 --> 00:16:45,372 IT'S HOPELESS. 390 00:16:45,405 --> 00:16:47,174 NO, IT'S NOT. 391 00:16:47,207 --> 00:16:49,809 LIKE MY DAD SAID, WHEN YOU'RE PLAYING THIS FAR BELOW THE RIM, 392 00:16:49,842 --> 00:16:51,544 IT'S ALL ABOUT TEAMWORK. 393 00:16:51,578 --> 00:16:53,380 I GUESS WHAT I MEAN IS... 394 00:16:53,413 --> 00:16:54,814 QUACK. 395 00:16:54,847 --> 00:16:56,183 QUACK. 396 00:16:56,216 --> 00:16:57,884 QUACK. 397 00:16:57,917 --> 00:16:59,086 Boys: QUACK. 398 00:16:59,119 --> 00:17:00,553 QUACK. 399 00:17:00,587 --> 00:17:03,556 QUACK! QUACK! QUACK! QUACK! 400 00:17:03,590 --> 00:17:04,691 I LOVE ALL THIS QUACKING, 401 00:17:04,724 --> 00:17:06,893 BUT YOU KNOW THERE'S NO WAY WE CAN WIN. 402 00:17:06,926 --> 00:17:09,062 I NEVER SAID WE HAD TO WIN. 403 00:17:09,096 --> 00:17:12,999 I SAID WE HAD TO BEAT THEM. 404 00:17:13,032 --> 00:17:15,735 *** 405 00:17:22,575 --> 00:17:24,411 [ BLOWS WHISTLE ] 406 00:17:24,444 --> 00:17:28,181 Wu-Tang Clan: * BAM! AW, MAN! I SLAM JAM * 407 00:17:28,215 --> 00:17:29,349 UHH! [ WHISTLE BLOWS ] 408 00:17:29,382 --> 00:17:30,717 FOUL! 409 00:17:30,750 --> 00:17:33,820 *** 410 00:17:36,423 --> 00:17:37,790 UHH! [ WHISTLE BLOWS ] 411 00:17:37,824 --> 00:17:39,359 [ SPECTATORS BOOING ] 412 00:17:39,392 --> 00:17:44,197 *** 413 00:17:44,231 --> 00:17:45,998 [ GASPS ] 414 00:17:47,267 --> 00:17:48,435 [ EYEBROWS RIP ] 415 00:17:48,468 --> 00:17:50,537 [ SCREAMING ] 416 00:17:50,570 --> 00:17:52,472 [ BOTH BLOW AIR ] [ WHISTLE BLOWS ] 417 00:17:57,844 --> 00:18:00,046 * IF YOU WANT BEEF, THEN BRING THE RUCKUS * [ WHISTLE BLOWS ] 418 00:18:00,079 --> 00:18:02,149 * WU-TANG CLAN AIN'T NUTHIN' TA...WITH * 419 00:18:02,182 --> 00:18:04,551 * WU-TANG CLAN AIN'T NUTHIN' TA...WITH * 420 00:18:04,584 --> 00:18:06,553 WHOO! WHOO! [ SPECTATORS GROAN ] 421 00:18:06,586 --> 00:18:08,388 YOU'RE OUTTA HERE! WITH PLEASURE! 422 00:18:08,421 --> 00:18:09,922 [ CLIPBOARD CLATTERS ] [ SPECTATORS BOOING ] 423 00:18:09,956 --> 00:18:13,460 * RUGGED LANDS OF SHAOLIN 424 00:18:13,493 --> 00:18:17,497 *** 425 00:18:18,798 --> 00:18:21,134 AND THAT'S EXACTLY HOW IT HAPPENED, MOM. 426 00:18:21,168 --> 00:18:23,336 WE SET THE RECORD FOR MOST FOULS. 427 00:18:23,370 --> 00:18:25,071 AND WE DID IT AS A TEAM. 428 00:18:25,104 --> 00:18:27,674 THANKS TO YOU, DAD, WE DIDN'T JUST SCHOOL THEM. 429 00:18:27,707 --> 00:18:29,642 WE OLD SCHOOLED THEM. 430 00:18:29,676 --> 00:18:31,077 WELL, NOT REALLY. 431 00:18:31,110 --> 00:18:32,779 I DON'T REMEMBER TEACHING YOU TO NUT PUNCH, 432 00:18:32,812 --> 00:18:35,348 BUT YOU DID WORK TOGETHER AS A TEAM. 433 00:18:35,382 --> 00:18:36,616 I'M PROUD OF YOU. 434 00:18:37,884 --> 00:18:40,187 HEY, YOUR DAD TOLD ME THAT YOU GUYS ARE IN A PLAY. 435 00:18:40,220 --> 00:18:42,322 THAT'S SO EXCITING. 436 00:18:42,355 --> 00:18:43,623 I'M AN ACTRESS, TOO. 437 00:18:43,656 --> 00:18:45,492 I SHOT A HOME MOVIE IN A GUY'S APARTMENT. 438 00:18:45,525 --> 00:18:47,660 AND NOW YOU'RE A WAITRESS? 439 00:18:47,694 --> 00:18:49,128 SLASH ACTRESS. 440 00:18:49,162 --> 00:18:52,465 SO I DON'T KNOW IF YOUR PLAY IS ALREADY CAST UP, BUT... 441 00:18:52,499 --> 00:18:54,201 KEEP ME IN MIND. 442 00:18:54,234 --> 00:18:55,502 THAT'S AN OLD PICTURE. 443 00:18:55,535 --> 00:18:57,504 IT'S BEFORE I GREW INTO MY TEETH. 444 00:18:58,971 --> 00:19:02,309 MOM, WE DON'T WANNA BE IN THE PLAY ANYMORE. 445 00:19:02,342 --> 00:19:03,476 REALLY? 446 00:19:03,510 --> 00:19:06,479 IT'S A WASTE OF TIME. WE WANNA FOCUS ON OUR FUTURE. 447 00:19:06,513 --> 00:19:08,548 AND NOT END UP IN THE GUTTER WITH A LOW CREDIT RATING, 448 00:19:08,581 --> 00:19:10,183 LIKE MR. GUMDROP. 449 00:19:10,217 --> 00:19:12,785 GOOD. YOU GOT THE POINT OF THE PLAY. 450 00:19:12,819 --> 00:19:17,190 YOUR BACKPACKS ARE IN THE CAR. YOU CAN GO STUDY. 451 00:19:17,224 --> 00:19:19,526 THEY ARE SO LUCKY TO HAVE US. 452 00:19:19,559 --> 00:19:21,561 WELL, WE'RE ALSO LUCKY TO HAVE THEM. 453 00:19:22,529 --> 00:19:24,497 THEIR LIVES ARE MUCH DIFFERENT THAN OURS WERE. 454 00:19:24,531 --> 00:19:28,368 I KNOW. CAN YOU IMAGINE IF WE HAD WASTED TIME LIKE THEY DO? 455 00:19:28,401 --> 00:19:30,503 OH, WE NEVER HAD THE CHANCE, JESSICA. 456 00:19:30,537 --> 00:19:32,472 BUT ISN'T THAT WHY WE WORK SO HARD, 457 00:19:32,505 --> 00:19:35,842 TO GIVE THEM THE OPPORTUNITY TO DO THINGS THAT WE COULDN'T DO? 458 00:19:35,875 --> 00:19:37,577 I MEAN, WOULD IT HAVE BEEN SO BAD 459 00:19:37,610 --> 00:19:40,580 IF YOUR PARENTS HAD GIVEN YOU A STRONG WORK ETHIC 460 00:19:40,613 --> 00:19:42,215 AND THE GLITTER HORSE? 461 00:19:44,584 --> 00:19:46,553 I WORKED SO HARD. 462 00:19:46,586 --> 00:19:49,556 I DID ALL MY SCHOOLWORK, ALL MY CHORES. 463 00:19:49,589 --> 00:19:52,225 I DESERVED A LITTLE HORSE 464 00:19:52,259 --> 00:19:54,561 WITH BRITTLE HAIR TO COMB AND BRAID 465 00:19:54,594 --> 00:19:57,196 AND A HUMAN FACE TO KISS AT NIGHT. 466 00:19:58,265 --> 00:20:00,433 I WOULD HAVE NAMED HER SUGAR APPLEBALM 467 00:20:00,467 --> 00:20:03,002 AND BUILT HER A STABLE OUT OF TISSUE BOXES. 468 00:20:03,035 --> 00:20:05,905 AND JANET YI HAD THREE HORSES 469 00:20:05,938 --> 00:20:08,541 AND SHE WENT TO HARVARD AND BECAME AN ASSISTANT D.A., 470 00:20:08,575 --> 00:20:10,377 AND ULTIMATELY, SHE DIED IN A PLANE CRASH, 471 00:20:10,410 --> 00:20:13,546 BUT WHEN SHE DIED, SHE WAS FLYING FIRST CLASS, 472 00:20:13,580 --> 00:20:14,581 LIKE A BOSS! [ UTENSILS RATTLE ] 473 00:20:17,984 --> 00:20:19,519 JANET YI'S NOT DEAD. 474 00:20:19,552 --> 00:20:21,554 WELL, SOMEONE IS! 475 00:20:21,588 --> 00:20:24,424 [ PIANO PLAYING ] 476 00:20:24,457 --> 00:20:25,758 WOOF WOOF! 477 00:20:25,792 --> 00:20:26,959 MEOW! 478 00:20:26,993 --> 00:20:28,928 [ LAUGHTER ] 479 00:20:28,961 --> 00:20:30,397 WHEE! 480 00:20:30,430 --> 00:20:31,364 [ CHUCKLES ] [ CHUCKLES ] 481 00:20:31,398 --> 00:20:32,765 THIS PLAY IS A MESS. 482 00:20:32,799 --> 00:20:34,434 IT'S A HUGE WASTE OF TIME. 483 00:20:34,467 --> 00:20:36,803 [ CHUCKLES ] OH, BUT THEY'RE HAVING FUN. 484 00:20:37,970 --> 00:20:39,472 [ CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS ] 485 00:20:39,506 --> 00:20:41,541 PLUS, IT'LL LOOK GOOD ON A COLLEGE APPLICATION. 486 00:20:41,574 --> 00:20:44,411 [ Lisps ] THMILE! TWO THOOTING THTARS! 487 00:20:44,444 --> 00:20:45,478 [ LAUGHTER ] 488 00:20:45,512 --> 00:20:47,113 WHAT DID SHE SAY? 489 00:20:47,146 --> 00:20:48,948 NOBODY KNOWS. 490 00:20:48,981 --> 00:20:50,617 YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH. 491 00:20:55,422 --> 00:20:57,056 YOU DON'T THINK I SHOULD MOVE IN WITH HIM, DO YOU? 492 00:20:57,089 --> 00:21:00,293 I HAVE CONFIDENCE THAT YOU'LL DO WHAT IS RIGHT. 493 00:21:00,327 --> 00:21:02,662 BASED ON WHAT? [ AUDIENCE LAUGHS ] 494 00:21:02,695 --> 00:21:05,031 SO NO ASIANS ON TV, HUH? 495 00:21:09,469 --> 00:21:10,970 [ DOOR CLOSES ] 496 00:21:11,003 --> 00:21:14,474 LOOK WHAT CAME IN THE MAIL, ALL THE WAY FROM TAIWAN. 497 00:21:14,507 --> 00:21:17,076 TOOK A LOT OF PHONE CALLS, BUT I TRACKED ONE DOWN. 498 00:21:17,109 --> 00:21:18,478 [ JESSICA GASPS ] 499 00:21:18,511 --> 00:21:21,914 OH! SPARKLE TIME BEAUTY HORSE! 500 00:21:21,948 --> 00:21:25,151 OH, AND IT'S A FACE ONE! 501 00:21:25,184 --> 00:21:30,089 MY FACE BURNING IS HOW I KNOW YOU LOVE ME BACK. 502 00:21:30,122 --> 00:21:31,023 OW!