1 00:00:03,171 --> 00:00:04,838 Eddie: EVERY SATURDAY, IT SEEMED LIKE 2 00:00:04,872 --> 00:00:06,540 ALL THE GUYS IN MY SCHOOL WENT TO A SLEEPOVER. 3 00:00:06,574 --> 00:00:08,176 AND EVERY MONDAY, THEY'D BRAG ABOUT IT 4 00:00:08,209 --> 00:00:10,044 IN FRONT OF KIDS WHO WEREN'T INVITED...LIKE ME. 5 00:00:10,078 --> 00:00:11,745 Trent: MAN, WE ATE SO MUCH CEREAL. 6 00:00:11,779 --> 00:00:14,182 YEAH, WE DID. REMEMBER WHEN DOUG WET THE BED? 7 00:00:14,215 --> 00:00:17,218 SPLOOSH! IT'S NOT A PARTY TILL MY SLEEPING BAG'S FLOODED! 8 00:00:17,251 --> 00:00:19,019 [ LAUGHS ] [ LAUGHS ] YEAH. 9 00:00:20,121 --> 00:00:22,590 SLEEPOVERS ARE CORNY AS HELL. 10 00:00:22,623 --> 00:00:24,225 RIGHT? THOSE GUYS ARE SO DUMB. 11 00:00:24,258 --> 00:00:26,827 HEY, EDDIE. WANNA COME TO MY SLEEPOVER ON SATURDAY? 12 00:00:26,860 --> 00:00:28,596 YES! [ SIGHS ] 13 00:00:28,629 --> 00:00:31,365 WAIT A MINUTE. WHY ARE YOU INVITING ME? IS THIS A TRICK? 14 00:00:31,399 --> 00:00:33,201 NO TRICKS. TRENT TOLD ME ABOUT 15 00:00:33,234 --> 00:00:35,169 YOU FEELING UP THAT OLD LADY AT THE BLOCK PARTY. 16 00:00:35,203 --> 00:00:37,571 HE TOUCHED HER BUTT. SHE WAS, LIKE, 25. 17 00:00:37,605 --> 00:00:39,340 RESPECT. YOU'RE GONNA SUPER APPRECIATE 18 00:00:39,373 --> 00:00:40,908 WHAT I'VE GOT PLANNED FOR SATURDAY. 19 00:00:40,941 --> 00:00:42,343 I'VE GOT A DIRTY MAGAZINE. 20 00:00:42,376 --> 00:00:46,080 "SPORTS ILLUSTRATED" SWIMSUIT ISSUE. 21 00:00:46,114 --> 00:00:48,416 I HEAR ELLE MACPHERSON'S PRETTY. 22 00:00:48,449 --> 00:00:51,085 OBVIOUSLY, NONE OF US HAD SEEN A DIRTY MAGAZINE BEFORE. 23 00:00:51,119 --> 00:00:53,053 IT WAS 1995. 24 00:00:53,087 --> 00:00:55,022 IT WASN'T LIKE YOU COULD JUST SAY, "SIRI, FIND ME BOOBS." 25 00:00:55,055 --> 00:00:56,457 MY BIG BROTHER GOT A SUBSCRIPTION 26 00:00:56,490 --> 00:00:58,859 UNDER A FAKE NAME -- "TODD THICKSTONE." 27 00:00:58,892 --> 00:01:00,594 HE'S ON AN EAGLE SCOUT'S TRIP UNTIL SUNDAY, 28 00:01:00,628 --> 00:01:02,763 SO IT'S ALL OURS. 29 00:01:02,796 --> 00:01:05,866 I WAS MAD PSYCHED. I WAS ON THE ROAD TO MAKING SOME FRIENDS. 30 00:01:05,899 --> 00:01:07,201 NO WAY. 31 00:01:07,235 --> 00:01:09,069 WHY NOT? IT'S JUST A SLEEPOVER. 32 00:01:09,103 --> 00:01:11,038 BECAUSE PEDOPHILES. 33 00:01:11,071 --> 00:01:13,107 I SAW IT ON THE NIGHTLY NEWS. 34 00:01:13,141 --> 00:01:14,742 BACK IN D.C., MY MOM SPENT HER DAYS 35 00:01:14,775 --> 00:01:16,410 WORKING AT MY UNCLE'S FURNITURE STORE, 36 00:01:16,444 --> 00:01:18,479 AND HER NIGHTS KARAOKE-ING WITH HER FRIENDS. 37 00:01:18,512 --> 00:01:20,248 BUT SINCE WE MOVED TO ORLANDO, 38 00:01:20,281 --> 00:01:22,483 SHE HAD A LOT OF TIME ON HER HANDS... 39 00:01:22,516 --> 00:01:24,618 TIME SHE FILLED WATCHING THE NIGHTLY NEWS. 40 00:01:24,652 --> 00:01:27,488 Man on TV: ARE YOU AT RISK FOR DATE RAPE? 41 00:01:27,521 --> 00:01:32,326 ARE DEADLY CHEMICALS IN YOUR COUCH? 42 00:01:32,360 --> 00:01:34,395 SEXUAL HARASSMENT IN THE WORKPLACE -- 43 00:01:34,428 --> 00:01:35,596 CAN IT HAPPEN TO YOU? 44 00:01:35,629 --> 00:01:37,097 YES, IT CAN. 45 00:01:37,131 --> 00:01:38,932 Eddie: FEARMONGERING WAS MADE FOR MY MOM, 46 00:01:38,966 --> 00:01:41,535 AND HER PARANOIA MADE THE REST OF US MISERABLE. 47 00:01:42,936 --> 00:01:44,172 UH... 48 00:01:44,205 --> 00:01:46,674 ARE WE STILL GOING TO THE MOVIES? 49 00:01:46,707 --> 00:01:48,309 ONLY IF THERE'S SOMETHING WITH DENZEL. 50 00:01:48,342 --> 00:01:50,478 MOVIE THEATERS ARE A HOTBED FOR DISEASE. 51 00:01:50,511 --> 00:01:51,612 NIGHTLY NEWS. 52 00:01:51,645 --> 00:01:53,614 "CRIMSON TIDE" IS PLAYING. 53 00:01:53,647 --> 00:01:54,948 START THE CAR. 54 00:01:54,982 --> 00:01:56,984 -- Captions by VITAC -- 55 00:01:57,017 --> 00:01:58,452 Danny Brown: * FRESH OFF THE BOAT 56 00:01:58,486 --> 00:02:00,020 * I'M GETTIN' MINE EVERYWHERE I GO * 57 00:02:00,053 --> 00:02:02,156 * IF YOU DON'T KNOW, HOMIE, NOW YOU KNOW * 58 00:02:02,190 --> 00:02:03,657 * FRESH OFF THE BOAT 59 00:02:03,691 --> 00:02:06,126 * HOMIE DON'T KNOW WHERE I COME FROM * 60 00:02:06,160 --> 00:02:07,195 * BUT I KNOW WHERE I'M GOIN' 61 00:02:07,228 --> 00:02:10,331 * I'M FRESH OFF THE BOAT 62 00:02:12,733 --> 00:02:14,802 EDDIE, DINNER! 63 00:02:14,835 --> 00:02:16,136 [ CHUCKLES ] 64 00:02:16,170 --> 00:02:18,472 IF YOU DON'T LET ME GO TO THAT SLEEPOVER, 65 00:02:18,506 --> 00:02:20,174 I'M GONNA STOP EATING. 66 00:02:20,208 --> 00:02:22,643 BUDDY... 67 00:02:22,676 --> 00:02:25,213 I OVERREACHED. I SEE THAT NOW. 68 00:02:25,246 --> 00:02:27,848 EDDIE, I ALREADY TOLD YOU, YOU CAN HAVE THE SLEEPOVER HERE. 69 00:02:27,881 --> 00:02:30,050 I KNOW THAT WE ARE NOT PEDOPHILES. 70 00:02:30,083 --> 00:02:31,319 THE GUYS WON'T GO FOR THAT. 71 00:02:31,352 --> 00:02:32,820 I DON'T HAVE A DIRTY MA-- 72 00:02:33,921 --> 00:02:36,324 IT'S JUST STUPID HERE. [ DOOR OPENS ] 73 00:02:36,357 --> 00:02:40,328 [ LAUGHS ] YOU WON'T BELIEVE WHAT HAPPENED AT WORK TODAY. 74 00:02:40,361 --> 00:02:41,829 WHAT'S GOING ON? 75 00:02:41,862 --> 00:02:43,664 A CUSTOMER JUST ASKED TO BE SEATED, 76 00:02:43,697 --> 00:02:45,766 BUT ALL THE TABLES ARE FULL. 77 00:02:49,237 --> 00:02:51,405 [ INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ] 78 00:02:51,439 --> 00:02:54,508 SHOULD WE...START A WAITING LIST? 79 00:02:54,542 --> 00:02:56,844 AND THEN WE STARTED A WAITING LIST! 80 00:02:56,877 --> 00:02:59,580 THAT'S AMAZING! IT'S WHAT WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR! 81 00:02:59,613 --> 00:03:02,916 OH, NO. I WAS AFRAID OF THIS. 82 00:03:02,950 --> 00:03:05,519 YEAH. W-WAIT. WHAT JUST HAPPENED? 83 00:03:05,553 --> 00:03:07,321 EDDIE, WHAT'S THE THING YOU ALWAYS SAY 84 00:03:07,355 --> 00:03:08,756 THAT THE FAT BROWN MAN SAYS? 85 00:03:08,789 --> 00:03:11,592 MO' MONEY, MO' PROBLEMS? YES, THAT. 86 00:03:11,625 --> 00:03:13,561 NOW THAT WE ARE CLOSE TO ACHIEVING OUR DREAMS, 87 00:03:13,594 --> 00:03:15,563 WE HAVE TO THINK ABOUT PROTECTING THEM. 88 00:03:15,596 --> 00:03:19,267 WE DON'T WANT TO BE A TARGET FOR FRIVOLOUS LAWSUITS. 89 00:03:19,300 --> 00:03:21,535 I SAW IT ON THE NIGHTLY NEWS. 90 00:03:21,569 --> 00:03:23,871 WHY DO YOU ALWAYS FIND SOMETHING TO WORRY ABOUT? 91 00:03:23,904 --> 00:03:26,274 JUST RELAX. OUR INSURANCE COVERS EVERYTHING. 92 00:03:26,307 --> 00:03:27,908 FOOD POISONING? COVERED. 93 00:03:27,941 --> 00:03:29,243 SLIP AND FALL? COVERED. 94 00:03:29,277 --> 00:03:31,044 SEXUAL HARASSMENT? DAMN, YOU'RE GOOD. 95 00:03:31,078 --> 00:03:32,713 I KNEW THERE WOULD BE SOMETHING. 96 00:03:32,746 --> 00:03:35,549 WE NEED TO DO A SEMINAR SO THAT WE ARE NOT LIABLE. 97 00:03:35,583 --> 00:03:37,451 I CAN DO IT. 98 00:03:37,485 --> 00:03:42,055 AT MY FAMILY'S FURNITURE STORE, I HANDLED EMPLOYEE GRIEVANCES. 99 00:03:42,089 --> 00:03:44,057 THE EMPLOYEES WERE YOU AND YOUR SISTER. 100 00:03:44,091 --> 00:03:45,693 THAT BITCH. 101 00:03:45,726 --> 00:03:48,696 JESSICA, DON'T SAY ITCH-BAY IN FRONT OF OF THE K-I-D-S. 102 00:03:48,729 --> 00:03:50,464 DAD, WE CAN SPELL. 103 00:03:50,498 --> 00:03:52,566 OF COURSE YOU CAN, LITTLE MAN! 104 00:03:52,600 --> 00:03:55,436 HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M GONNA GET YOU AN APPLESAUCE. 105 00:03:55,469 --> 00:03:57,471 DAD, I DON'T WANT AN APPLE-- OKAY, I'LL HAVE AN APPLESAUCE. 106 00:03:57,505 --> 00:03:58,772 OKAY. 107 00:04:00,441 --> 00:04:01,909 MY MOM CONVINCED MY DAD TO LET HER 108 00:04:01,942 --> 00:04:03,411 GIVE THE SEXUAL HARASSMENT SEMINAR 109 00:04:03,444 --> 00:04:05,546 BY...WELL, PRETTY MUCH HARASSING HIM. 110 00:04:05,579 --> 00:04:07,581 WELCOME TO THE FIRST OFFICIAL 111 00:04:07,615 --> 00:04:10,918 CATTLEMAN'S RANCH SEXUAL HARASSMENT SEMINAR. 112 00:04:10,951 --> 00:04:13,086 OKAY? [ CHUCKLES ] 113 00:04:13,120 --> 00:04:17,124 TO MAKE SURE WE ALWAYS HAVE A PLEASANT WORK ENVIRONMENT, 114 00:04:17,157 --> 00:04:20,193 FLIRTING SHOULD BE AVOIDED AT ALL TIMES. 115 00:04:21,629 --> 00:04:25,032 UNLESS YOU'RE A HANDSOME MAN, BECAUSE WHO DOESN'T LIKE THAT? 116 00:04:26,667 --> 00:04:28,969 LADIES, LET'S DISCUSS HOW TO SIT. 117 00:04:29,002 --> 00:04:32,340 YOUR ANKLES SHOULD BE CROSSED AT ALL TIMES... 118 00:04:32,373 --> 00:04:35,609 UNLESS YOUR THIGHS MAKE IT PHYSICALLY IMPOSSIBLE. 119 00:04:35,643 --> 00:04:38,946 YOU CANNOT WEAR ANY SHIRTS THAT EXPOSE YOUR BELLY BUTTON, 120 00:04:38,979 --> 00:04:42,350 ESPECIALLY IF YOU HAVE AN OUTTIE. THAT'S JUST GROSS. 121 00:04:42,383 --> 00:04:47,020 DIRTY JOKES IN THE WORKPLACE -- NOT ALLOWED. FOR EXAMPLE... 122 00:04:47,054 --> 00:04:50,791 "A GERMAN BROAD WITH BIG HONKERS WALKS INTO A BAR." 123 00:04:50,824 --> 00:04:52,793 OKAY! THAT'S UNCOMFORTABLE. 124 00:04:52,826 --> 00:04:54,161 THANK YOU. [ CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY ] 125 00:04:54,194 --> 00:04:55,796 HELP YOURSELF TO FIG NEWTONS AND MILK 126 00:04:55,829 --> 00:04:59,467 AND LAUGH ABOUT WHAT JUST HAPPENED. OKAY. [ CHUCKLES ] 127 00:04:59,500 --> 00:05:01,268 [ SCHOOL BELL RINGS ] 128 00:05:01,301 --> 00:05:04,037 AND MY BROTHER SAID THERE'S A FOLDOUT OF KATHY IRELAND 129 00:05:04,071 --> 00:05:06,273 IN A WHITE BIKINI LOOKING "COLD," 130 00:05:06,306 --> 00:05:07,541 IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. 131 00:05:07,575 --> 00:05:09,377 I DON'T. ME, NEITHER. 132 00:05:09,410 --> 00:05:10,978 BUT WE'LL FIND OUT ON SATURDAY. 133 00:05:11,011 --> 00:05:14,214 I HAVE REAL BAD NEWS. I CAN'T COME TO THE PARTY. 134 00:05:14,247 --> 00:05:15,983 SUCKS TO BE YOU... 135 00:05:16,016 --> 00:05:18,118 [ Singsongy ] 'CAUSE I'M ALSO GETTING A POPCORN MACHINE! 136 00:05:18,151 --> 00:05:19,720 AW, YEAH! [ BOY GASPS ] 137 00:05:19,753 --> 00:05:21,054 DUDE! NICE! 138 00:05:21,088 --> 00:05:22,490 DO YOU KNOW WHAT MIGHT BE COOL? 139 00:05:22,523 --> 00:05:25,659 IS IF WE DO THE PARTY AT M HOUSE. 140 00:05:25,693 --> 00:05:28,061 YOUR HOUSE? [ SCOFFS ] NO. 141 00:05:28,095 --> 00:05:29,730 MY MAGAZINE, MY PARTY. 142 00:05:29,763 --> 00:05:33,333 BESIDES, DOES YOUR BEDROOM HAVE A MINI FRIDGE FULL OF... 143 00:05:33,367 --> 00:05:35,469 [ Singsongy ] HI-C ECTO COOLERS? 144 00:05:35,503 --> 00:05:37,905 [ BOY GASPS ] THE OFFICIAL DRINK OF SLIMER! 145 00:05:37,938 --> 00:05:40,307 I WAS LOSING MY AUDIENCE. I HAD TO DO SOMETHING QUICK. 146 00:05:40,340 --> 00:05:42,009 I HAVE A DIRTY MOVIE. 147 00:05:43,944 --> 00:05:45,446 EDDIE'S, THEN? 148 00:05:48,416 --> 00:05:50,884 THE GUYS WERE COMING OVER FOR A DIRTY MOVIE -- 149 00:05:50,918 --> 00:05:52,486 A DIRTY MOVIE I DIDN'T HAVE. 150 00:05:56,056 --> 00:05:57,758 * THIS IS STREET LIFE 151 00:05:57,791 --> 00:05:59,693 TO MAKE SOME FRIENDS, I HAD TO BREAK SOME RULES, 152 00:05:59,727 --> 00:06:02,563 AND YOUR BOY WAS WILLING TO DO WHATEVER IT TOOK. 153 00:06:02,596 --> 00:06:04,865 WHY ARE YOU WEARING GRANDMA'S COAT? 154 00:06:04,898 --> 00:06:06,734 [ Lowered voice ] BECAUSE I'M GONNA STEAL A DIRTY MOVIE. 155 00:06:06,767 --> 00:06:08,436 YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO THIS. YES, I DO. 156 00:06:08,469 --> 00:06:10,103 THE GUYS ARE COMING OVER TONIGHT. 157 00:06:10,137 --> 00:06:12,573 I'LL TELL MOM. I'LL DRAW BUTTS ON YOUR HOMEWORK. 158 00:06:12,606 --> 00:06:14,074 YOU WIN. 159 00:06:14,107 --> 00:06:15,576 I KNOW. 160 00:06:15,609 --> 00:06:18,345 SO THAT'S WHERE I'M GONNA STEAL A DIRTY MOVIE. 161 00:06:18,378 --> 00:06:20,280 LOVE ISN'T DIRTY. IT'S BEAUTIFUL. 162 00:06:20,313 --> 00:06:22,282 SHUT UP. NOW LET'S DO THIS. 163 00:06:22,315 --> 00:06:23,951 YOU GUYS CAUSE A DISTRACTION. 164 00:06:26,487 --> 00:06:28,355 ONE... 165 00:06:28,388 --> 00:06:31,024 TWO, THREE... RAISINS! RAISINS! THEY USED TO BE GRAPES! 166 00:06:31,058 --> 00:06:34,528 RAISINS! RAISINS! THEY USED TO BE GRAPES! FOUR, FIVE, SIX... 167 00:06:34,562 --> 00:06:36,497 RAISINS! RAISINS! 168 00:06:38,632 --> 00:06:40,901 WHERE ARE THE CARTOONS? 169 00:06:40,934 --> 00:06:42,603 THAT'S WHAT I'M LOOKING FOR, 'CAUSE I'M A KID! 170 00:06:42,636 --> 00:06:44,071 I KNEW IT! 171 00:06:44,104 --> 00:06:45,639 I KNEW YOU DIDN'T HAVE A DIRTY MOVIE 172 00:06:45,673 --> 00:06:47,274 AND THAT YOU'D COME HERE TO STEAL ONE. 173 00:06:47,307 --> 00:06:50,210 BUT YOU TOTALLY FAILED. 174 00:06:50,243 --> 00:06:51,879 ARE YOU GONNA TELL EVERYBODY? 175 00:06:51,912 --> 00:06:53,747 ARE YOU KIDDING? 176 00:06:53,781 --> 00:06:55,348 IT'LL BE MUCH MORE FUN TO WATCH YOU CRASH AND BURN TONIGHT. 177 00:06:57,084 --> 00:06:59,052 LET'S GO, RAISIN THROWER. YOU'RE OUTTA HERE. 178 00:06:59,086 --> 00:07:01,555 DON'T TELL MOM! SHE RELIES ON ME! 179 00:07:01,589 --> 00:07:04,057 Emery: 30, 31, 32... 180 00:07:04,091 --> 00:07:07,394 [ DOOR BELL DINGS ] 33, 3-- [ GRUNTS ] 181 00:07:07,427 --> 00:07:09,429 YEP. THANK YOU. 182 00:07:10,430 --> 00:07:13,734 OKAY, WE APOLOGIZE IF SOME OF YOU FELT SEXUALLY HARASSED 183 00:07:13,767 --> 00:07:16,269 BY OUR LAST SEXUAL HARASSMENT TRAINING. 184 00:07:16,303 --> 00:07:18,138 WHO FELT HARASSED?! WAS IT YOU? 185 00:07:18,171 --> 00:07:21,141 I...I...UH, NO. 186 00:07:21,174 --> 00:07:22,710 OKAY, STOP. STOP. 187 00:07:24,177 --> 00:07:25,746 NOW, THANKS TO MY WIFE, 188 00:07:25,779 --> 00:07:28,482 WHO OPENED UP THIS CAN OF WORMS FOR NO REASON, 189 00:07:28,516 --> 00:07:32,319 I'VE HIRED A PROFESSIONAL TO LEAD THE SEMINAR. 190 00:07:32,352 --> 00:07:34,955 SO, EVERYBODY, LET'S GIVE A WARM CATTLEMAN'S WELCOME 191 00:07:34,988 --> 00:07:37,591 TO DUSTY NUGGET! 192 00:07:37,625 --> 00:07:39,627 [ APPLAUSE ] [ BLOWING WHISTLE ] 193 00:07:39,660 --> 00:07:41,495 [ LAUGHS ] ALL RIGHT! [ CHUCKLES ] 194 00:07:41,529 --> 00:07:42,930 ALL RIGHT! THANK YOU! 195 00:07:42,963 --> 00:07:45,198 SO...A LITTLE BIT ABOUT ME. 196 00:07:45,232 --> 00:07:47,701 I WAS A REPEAT SEXUAL HARASSMENT OFFENDER 197 00:07:47,735 --> 00:07:49,703 WHO, THANKS, TO A COMPLICATED PLEA DEAL, 198 00:07:49,737 --> 00:07:51,639 IS NOW WORKING FOR THE GOOD GUYS. 199 00:07:51,672 --> 00:07:53,674 THAT'S RIGHT, THEY HANNIBAL LECTERED ME. 200 00:07:53,707 --> 00:07:57,511 DON'T BE ALARMED. I GOT BOOKED ON SHOWING, NOT TOUCHING. 201 00:07:57,545 --> 00:08:01,048 SO...LET'S START WITH THE BASICS. 202 00:08:01,081 --> 00:08:03,984 IS SEXUAL HARASSMENT GOOD? 203 00:08:04,017 --> 00:08:05,485 OR BAD? 204 00:08:08,088 --> 00:08:09,356 BAD? 205 00:08:09,389 --> 00:08:11,959 THAT'S GREAT. [ LAUGHS ] 206 00:08:11,992 --> 00:08:15,963 OH, GREAT JOB. GREAT, GREAT JOB. 207 00:08:15,996 --> 00:08:17,330 UM... 208 00:08:17,364 --> 00:08:18,999 NOW I'M GONNA GIVE YOU A LITTLE KISS. 209 00:08:20,333 --> 00:08:22,670 AND FREEZE. 210 00:08:22,703 --> 00:08:23,837 WHAT AM I DOING WRONG? 211 00:08:23,871 --> 00:08:24,972 OOH! 212 00:08:25,005 --> 00:08:26,073 OHH! 213 00:08:26,106 --> 00:08:27,307 [ DOORBELL RINGS ] 214 00:08:27,340 --> 00:08:29,910 [ DOOR SQUEAKS ] 215 00:08:29,943 --> 00:08:31,511 LL Cool J: * I'D GIVE YOU A ROSE 216 00:08:31,545 --> 00:08:32,980 * PULL OUT YOUR CHAIR BEFORE WE EAT * 217 00:08:33,013 --> 00:08:34,548 * KISS YOU ON THE CHEEK 218 00:08:34,582 --> 00:08:36,149 * AND SAY, "OOH, GIRL, YOU'RE SO SWEET" * 219 00:08:36,183 --> 00:08:37,685 * IT'S DéJà VU WHENEVER I'M WITH -- * 220 00:08:37,718 --> 00:08:38,986 WHAT? 221 00:08:39,019 --> 00:08:41,354 SORRY. I'M YOUR NEIGHBOR -- EDDIE. 222 00:08:41,388 --> 00:08:43,657 YEAH. I SEE YOU STARING AT ME ALWAYS. 223 00:08:43,691 --> 00:08:46,093 COOL, COOL. SO I KNOW IT'S WEIRD, 224 00:08:46,126 --> 00:08:48,996 BUT CAN I TAKE A VIDEO OF YOU DOING ANYTHING? 225 00:08:49,029 --> 00:08:50,197 LIKE HOMEWORK 226 00:08:50,230 --> 00:08:52,332 OR WASHING THAT CAR OVER THERE? 227 00:08:52,365 --> 00:08:54,401 *** 228 00:08:54,434 --> 00:08:56,403 Man: * YEAH 229 00:08:56,436 --> 00:08:57,605 * YEAH! 230 00:08:59,940 --> 00:09:01,575 * YEAH 231 00:09:05,245 --> 00:09:06,546 Automated male voice: NO. 232 00:09:06,580 --> 00:09:08,515 HEY, MOM, ASK ME IF I'LL EAT MY CARROTS. 233 00:09:08,548 --> 00:09:10,951 NO. I CAN'T BELIEVE WE'RE PAYING FOR ALL THIS STUFF. 234 00:09:10,984 --> 00:09:12,285 BECAUSE OF YOU. 235 00:09:12,319 --> 00:09:14,221 "NO ONE IS FOND OF FONDLING." 236 00:09:14,254 --> 00:09:16,924 YOU KNOW WHY IT'S SO EXPENSIVE? 237 00:09:16,957 --> 00:09:18,391 HIDDEN FEES. 238 00:09:18,425 --> 00:09:20,193 I SAW A NIGHTLY NEWS ONCE WHERE THEY TALKED -- 239 00:09:20,227 --> 00:09:21,795 NO MORE NIGHTLY NEWS! 240 00:09:21,829 --> 00:09:23,697 THESE ARE THE SNACKS YOU GOT ME FOR MY SLEEPOVER? 241 00:09:23,731 --> 00:09:26,366 SQUIDDIES? WHAT ARE SQUIDDIES? 242 00:09:26,399 --> 00:09:27,601 THEY WERE ON SALE, 243 00:09:27,635 --> 00:09:29,870 AND THERE'S A FUNNY OCTOPUS ON THE BAG. 244 00:09:29,903 --> 00:09:31,872 WHO'S SQUIRTING INK ON A DOG! 245 00:09:31,905 --> 00:09:33,473 THESE ARE FOR DOGS! 246 00:09:33,506 --> 00:09:35,442 DAD, HELP ME OUT. 247 00:09:35,475 --> 00:09:38,411 EDDIE, YOU'LL BE FINE. JUST PLAY WITH THE LEGOS I BOUGHT YOU. 248 00:09:38,445 --> 00:09:39,546 LEGOS?! 249 00:09:39,579 --> 00:09:40,848 [ DOORBELL RINGS ] 250 00:09:42,249 --> 00:09:44,818 OH, WELCOME TO OUR HOME! COME IN! 251 00:09:44,852 --> 00:09:46,386 EDDIE IS SO EXCITED. 252 00:09:46,419 --> 00:09:48,055 HE'S HAD SUCH A HARD TIME MAKING ANY FRIENDS. 253 00:09:48,088 --> 00:09:49,890 OKAY, MOM. THANKS. 254 00:09:49,923 --> 00:09:52,592 THERE'S PORK BONE STEW ON THE STOVE. [ DOOR CLOSES ] 255 00:09:52,626 --> 00:09:54,227 IT'S GOOD FOR YOUR HEARING. 256 00:09:54,261 --> 00:09:55,629 MOM... BYE, MRS. HUANG. 257 00:09:55,663 --> 00:09:57,430 Doug: THANK YOU! 258 00:09:57,464 --> 00:09:58,732 WHERE'S THE DIRTY MOVIE? 259 00:09:58,766 --> 00:10:00,433 YEAH, EDDIE. 260 00:10:00,467 --> 00:10:02,135 WHERE'S THE DIRTY MOVIE? 261 00:10:04,104 --> 00:10:06,640 OKAY, GUYS, HERE'S THE THING... 262 00:10:06,674 --> 00:10:08,475 IS THIS IT? 263 00:10:11,679 --> 00:10:12,980 I DON'T KNOW WHAT "HARASSMENT" MEANS, 264 00:10:13,013 --> 00:10:14,948 BUT IT'S GOT THE WORD "ASS" IN IT. 265 00:10:18,018 --> 00:10:19,820 [ TV PLAYING ] 266 00:10:19,853 --> 00:10:21,621 YOU TWO PLAY IN HERE, OKAY? 267 00:10:21,655 --> 00:10:23,724 GIVE EDDIE SOME TIME WITH HIS FRIENDS. 268 00:10:26,326 --> 00:10:28,128 GRANDMA, WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE COLOR? 269 00:10:28,161 --> 00:10:31,164 [ SPEAKS MANDARIN ] 270 00:10:40,741 --> 00:10:42,175 PREPARE TO SPLOOSH. 271 00:10:42,209 --> 00:10:43,944 WE'LL SEE. 272 00:10:43,977 --> 00:10:45,512 [ VCR WHIRS ] 273 00:10:47,647 --> 00:10:50,283 *** 274 00:10:50,317 --> 00:10:53,520 Dusty: THE WORKPLACE IS FILLED WITH INAPPROPRIATE CHARACTERS. 275 00:10:53,553 --> 00:10:55,122 LET'S MEET SOME OF THEM. 276 00:10:55,155 --> 00:10:59,292 HERE WE HAVE THE "PERSISTENT ROMEO." 277 00:10:59,326 --> 00:11:01,695 IF YOU SELECT ME ON FRIDAY NIGHT, 278 00:11:01,729 --> 00:11:04,664 I'LL SELECT YOU FOR THE PROMOTION. 279 00:11:04,698 --> 00:11:08,301 HOW ABOUT SATURDAY? 280 00:11:08,335 --> 00:11:09,536 SUNDAY? 281 00:11:09,569 --> 00:11:11,839 MONDAY? 282 00:11:11,872 --> 00:11:13,673 [ BUZZER ] 283 00:11:13,707 --> 00:11:16,543 Dusty: THEN THERE'S "THE CROONER." 284 00:11:16,576 --> 00:11:19,612 * MMM, MMM-MMM-MMM, MMM 285 00:11:22,115 --> 00:11:23,717 [ BUZZER ] 286 00:11:23,751 --> 00:11:26,319 Dusty: AND WATCH OUT FOR "TEMPTING TANYA." 287 00:11:26,353 --> 00:11:29,723 SHE'LL USE HER SEXUALITY TO ENSNARE YOU. 288 00:11:29,757 --> 00:11:31,859 GREAT JOB IN THE MEETING TODAY. 289 00:11:31,892 --> 00:11:33,326 [ BUZZER ] 290 00:11:33,360 --> 00:11:35,996 *** 291 00:11:36,029 --> 00:11:39,166 THIS IS AMAZING. 292 00:11:39,199 --> 00:11:42,903 I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M ACTUALLY WATCHING A DIRTY MOVIE. 293 00:11:42,936 --> 00:11:45,739 Eddie: OBVIOUSLY NONE OF US KNEW WHAT A DIRTY MOVIE WAS. 294 00:11:45,773 --> 00:11:49,609 YOU BUTTHOLE. I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU ACTUALLY DID IT. 295 00:11:49,642 --> 00:11:52,445 YO, I ALWAYS DO IT. 296 00:11:52,479 --> 00:11:54,214 Dusty: NEXT UP -- 297 00:11:54,247 --> 00:11:57,217 SENSITIVITY REGARDING HOLIDAY PARTY PLANNING. 298 00:11:57,250 --> 00:11:59,252 Both: YEAH! 299 00:12:04,825 --> 00:12:06,226 Eddie: MY SLEEPOVER WAS A BIG HIT 300 00:12:06,259 --> 00:12:07,928 THANKS TO DAD'S SEXUAL HARASSMENT VIDEO. 301 00:12:07,961 --> 00:12:09,396 I COULDN'T WAIT TO BRAG ABOUT IT WITH MY BOYS. 302 00:12:09,429 --> 00:12:10,764 HOW ABOUT THE PART 303 00:12:10,798 --> 00:12:12,599 WHERE "ONE FOR THE ROAD RANDY" IS LIKE, 304 00:12:12,632 --> 00:12:14,734 "COME ON, JEN FROM ACCOUNTING. LET'S HAVE ONE FOR THE ROAD"? 305 00:12:14,768 --> 00:12:16,403 [ LAUGHS ] YEAH. 306 00:12:16,436 --> 00:12:18,071 WHAT A SLEEPOVER, HUH? 307 00:12:18,105 --> 00:12:19,639 MAYBE I'LL DO IT AGAIN NEXT WEEKEND. 308 00:12:19,672 --> 00:12:21,374 OH, WE DON'T NEED TO GO BACK TO YOUR PLACE. 309 00:12:21,408 --> 00:12:22,642 WE HAVE OUR OWN COPIES. 310 00:12:23,676 --> 00:12:26,146 HOW DID YOU GET THOSE? FROM ME. 311 00:12:26,179 --> 00:12:27,881 YOU GANKED MY PARTY, SO I GANKED YOUR VIDEO. 312 00:12:27,915 --> 00:12:29,382 YOU STOLE MY TAPE? 313 00:12:29,416 --> 00:12:32,385 I HAD A KID IN THE MEDIA ROOM MAKE COPIES. 314 00:12:32,419 --> 00:12:33,921 [ INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ] 315 00:12:33,954 --> 00:12:36,589 THEY ALL HAVE THE TAPE, SO...THEY DON'T NEED YOU, 316 00:12:36,623 --> 00:12:38,458 HOW DO YOU SLEEP AT NIGHT? 317 00:12:38,491 --> 00:12:41,628 WITH TWO NIGHT-LIGHTS. I GOT A BIG ROOM. 318 00:12:43,030 --> 00:12:44,397 [ DOOR OPENS ] 319 00:12:44,431 --> 00:12:46,166 LOUIS, WE NEED TO INSTALL FLOODLIGHTS 320 00:12:46,199 --> 00:12:47,968 IN THE PARKING LOT. 321 00:12:48,001 --> 00:12:49,669 WHY? 322 00:12:49,702 --> 00:12:52,973 BECAUSE BAD GUYS STEAL BABIES FROM THE BACKSEATS OF CARS. 323 00:12:53,006 --> 00:12:55,008 IT'S A BABY-SELLING SCHEME. 324 00:12:55,042 --> 00:12:57,811 I SAW IT ON "60 MINUTES." 325 00:12:57,845 --> 00:12:59,279 NO NIGHTLY NEWS LAST NIGHT. 326 00:12:59,312 --> 00:13:01,014 THEY AIRED A REPEAT OF "FAMILY MATTERS." 327 00:13:01,048 --> 00:13:02,916 I KNOW. I SAW IT. URKEL WAS HILARIOUS. 328 00:13:02,950 --> 00:13:05,152 YOU NEED TO STOP BEING SO PARANOID. 329 00:13:05,185 --> 00:13:06,954 WE DON'T KNOW THESE PEOPLE DOWN HERE. 330 00:13:06,987 --> 00:13:08,688 WE DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY'RE... [ Whispers ] CAPABLE OF. 331 00:13:08,721 --> 00:13:10,958 Dusty: AND FREEZE. 332 00:13:10,991 --> 00:13:14,427 THIS IS CURRENTLY NOT SEXUAL HARASSMENT, 333 00:13:14,461 --> 00:13:17,164 BUT IF IN THE PROCESS OF MAKING UP, THINGS GOT PHYSICAL, 334 00:13:17,197 --> 00:13:20,467 WELL, THAT IS A WORKPLACE NO-NO. 335 00:13:20,500 --> 00:13:22,269 WHAT ARE YOU STILL DOING HERE? 336 00:13:22,302 --> 00:13:23,871 THE STATE REQUIRES ME TO BE HERE FOR ONE WEEK 337 00:13:23,904 --> 00:13:27,007 BEFORE I CAN GIVE YOU YOUR COMPLETION CERTIFICATE. 338 00:13:27,040 --> 00:13:28,375 [ SIGHS DEEPLY ] 339 00:13:28,408 --> 00:13:29,877 [ SPEAKS MANDARIN ] 340 00:13:29,910 --> 00:13:31,444 [ SPEAKS MANDARIN ] 341 00:13:31,478 --> 00:13:34,481 [ SPEAKS MANDARIN ] 342 00:13:41,654 --> 00:13:43,857 UH... 343 00:13:43,891 --> 00:13:46,026 I'LL RECOMMEND YOU TO EVERYONE I KNOW. 344 00:13:56,069 --> 00:13:57,637 IT WASN'T LONG 345 00:13:57,670 --> 00:13:59,206 BEFORE THAT VIDEO SPREAD ALL OVER THE JOINT. 346 00:13:59,239 --> 00:14:01,674 IT WAS LIKE THE 1995 VERSION OF GOING VIRAL, 347 00:14:01,708 --> 00:14:03,410 AND IT STARTED A SEXUAL HARASSMENT REVOLUTION 348 00:14:03,443 --> 00:14:05,145 AT MY SCHOOL. 349 00:14:05,178 --> 00:14:07,014 H-Town: * WELL... 350 00:14:07,047 --> 00:14:09,349 IF YOU SELECT ME AS YOUR BOYFRIEND, UH, 351 00:14:09,382 --> 00:14:10,918 I'LL SELECT YOU FOR THE PROMOTION. 352 00:14:10,951 --> 00:14:13,153 * WE DOIN' THIS ONE FOR ALL THE LADIES * 353 00:14:13,186 --> 00:14:16,689 [ Muffled voice ] NICE KICK IN KICKBALL TODAY. 354 00:14:16,723 --> 00:14:18,191 WELL, AREN'T YOU A TEMPTING TANYA? 355 00:14:18,225 --> 00:14:19,726 [ Whispers ] I LIKE IT. 356 00:14:19,759 --> 00:14:21,494 * FO' THE 93, YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING? * 357 00:14:21,528 --> 00:14:23,530 * CAUSE WE WILL BE KNOCKIN' DA BOOTS * 358 00:14:23,563 --> 00:14:25,165 [ SHARPENER GRINDING ] 359 00:14:25,198 --> 00:14:26,699 * G.I., SHAZAM... 360 00:14:26,733 --> 00:14:29,702 HEY, GIRL. HOW ABOUT WE HAVE ONE FOR THE ROAD? 361 00:14:29,736 --> 00:14:31,438 WHAT ROAD? 362 00:14:31,471 --> 00:14:33,773 UH... 363 00:14:33,806 --> 00:14:36,609 THIS GOT OUT OF HAND FAST. 364 00:14:38,378 --> 00:14:40,347 I'M CONFUSED WHY WE'RE HERE. 365 00:14:40,380 --> 00:14:43,083 WE TRACED THIS VIDEO BACK TO YOUR SON. 366 00:14:43,116 --> 00:14:45,118 IT'S CAUSED AN EPIDEMIC. 367 00:14:45,152 --> 00:14:46,453 IT'S JUST A SEXUAL HARASSMENT TRAINING VIDEO 368 00:14:46,486 --> 00:14:48,221 FROM MY RESTAURANT. 369 00:14:48,255 --> 00:14:51,558 OH, I'VE WATCHED THE VIDEO. I KNOW IT'S COMPLETELY INNOCENT. 370 00:14:51,591 --> 00:14:55,195 I'M CONFUSED WHY WE'RE HERE. 371 00:14:55,228 --> 00:14:56,896 IF THE BOYS THINK THIS IS A DIRTY MOVIE, 372 00:14:56,930 --> 00:14:59,232 THEY OBVIOUSLY DON'T KNOW WHAT SEX IS. 373 00:14:59,266 --> 00:15:01,268 WE'RE PLANNING A SEX-ED ASSEMBLY. 374 00:15:01,301 --> 00:15:02,869 BUT IN THE MEANTIME, WE'RE ENCOURAGING PARENTS 375 00:15:02,902 --> 00:15:05,105 TO HAVE "THE TALK" WITH THEIR SONS. 376 00:15:05,138 --> 00:15:07,440 "THE TALK"? HE'S STILL JUST A KID. 377 00:15:07,474 --> 00:15:09,876 HERE. WE'RE GIVING ALL THE PARENTS A COPY 378 00:15:09,909 --> 00:15:11,644 OF THE DISTRICT-APPROVED TEXTBOOK. 379 00:15:11,678 --> 00:15:14,781 "FLOWERS & WATERING CANS"? 380 00:15:14,814 --> 00:15:18,051 IT'S QUITE LOVELY. MY WIFE DID ALL THE ILLUSTRATIONS. 381 00:15:18,085 --> 00:15:20,087 OH, IS THAT WHAT YOUR WIFE DOES WITH HER FREE TIME? 382 00:15:20,120 --> 00:15:22,255 MY WIFE WORRIES ABOUT SEXUAL HARASSMENT, 383 00:15:22,289 --> 00:15:24,591 RAZOR BLADES IN APPLES, BABY THIEVES, 384 00:15:24,624 --> 00:15:27,094 MY FAVORITE BLUE SWEATER GETTING ME MISTAKEN FOR A GANG MEMBER -- 385 00:15:27,127 --> 00:15:31,431 IT'S A NICE SWEATER... FOR A CRIP TO GET SHOT IN. 386 00:15:33,200 --> 00:15:34,634 I'M GOING TO APPLEBEE'S AFTER THIS. 387 00:15:34,667 --> 00:15:36,236 DO YOU THINK I'LL BE OKAY? 388 00:15:36,269 --> 00:15:39,639 [ SIGHS ] NO, I DON'T. 389 00:15:41,141 --> 00:15:43,176 [ CRUNCHES ] 390 00:15:45,612 --> 00:15:48,181 [ CRUNCHES ] 391 00:15:48,215 --> 00:15:50,517 YOU'RE BLUFFING. YOU DON'T HAVE IT. 392 00:15:54,121 --> 00:15:55,288 I'M ALL-IN. 393 00:16:02,029 --> 00:16:03,330 [ GASPS ] 394 00:16:03,363 --> 00:16:04,764 SHE HAD IT, EVAN. 395 00:16:04,797 --> 00:16:15,142 [ HIGH-PITCHED WHINING ] 396 00:16:15,175 --> 00:16:16,809 [ SIGHS ] 397 00:16:16,843 --> 00:16:18,878 GUESS HE'S NOT A KID ANYMORE. 398 00:16:18,911 --> 00:16:20,380 [ DOOR CLOSES ] 399 00:16:20,413 --> 00:16:22,782 I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S TIME TO GIVE HIM THE TALK. 400 00:16:22,815 --> 00:16:24,651 I KNOW. [ SIGHS ] 401 00:16:24,684 --> 00:16:27,320 WELL...I WILL LET YOU KNOW HOW IT GOES. 402 00:16:27,354 --> 00:16:28,521 AW, HEL NO. 403 00:16:28,555 --> 00:16:30,290 YOU CREATED THIS WHOLE SITUATION. 404 00:16:30,323 --> 00:16:33,060 I'LL HANDLE THIS NOW, 405 00:16:33,093 --> 00:16:35,495 FATHER TO SON. 406 00:16:36,829 --> 00:16:42,035 [ CONTINUES HIGH-PITCHED WHINING ] 407 00:16:51,611 --> 00:16:52,812 [ SIGHS ] 408 00:16:52,845 --> 00:16:55,382 "FLOWERS & WATERING CANS." 409 00:16:55,415 --> 00:16:57,084 [ CHUCKLES ] I CAN'T BELIEVE 410 00:16:57,117 --> 00:16:59,586 THIS IS HOW THEY TEACH KIDS ABOUT SEX HERE. 411 00:16:59,619 --> 00:17:02,822 DAD, CAN YOU PLEASE JUST GROUND ME OR SOMETHING? 412 00:17:02,855 --> 00:17:04,491 [ CHUCKLES ] EDDIE... 413 00:17:04,524 --> 00:17:06,059 HALF THE REASON I COME TO THIS COUNTRY 414 00:17:06,093 --> 00:17:08,861 IS SO YOU COULD HAVE LOTS OF SEX. 415 00:17:08,895 --> 00:17:12,265 WHAT I MEAN IS, TAIWAN WAS SO CONSERVATIVE. 416 00:17:12,299 --> 00:17:14,867 YOU COULDN'T REALLY HAVE SEX BEFORE YOU WERE MARRIED. 417 00:17:14,901 --> 00:17:16,403 YOU DIDN'T KNOW 418 00:17:16,436 --> 00:17:18,371 IF YOU AND YOUR WIFE WERE COMPATIBLE THAT WAY. 419 00:17:18,405 --> 00:17:20,507 IT WAS DUMB LUCK THAT YOUR MOM AND I WERE. 420 00:17:20,540 --> 00:17:22,242 YO! SORRY. 421 00:17:22,275 --> 00:17:25,678 LOOK, I DON'T WANT YOU TO GO OUT AND HAVE SEX TOMORROW, OKAY? 422 00:17:25,712 --> 00:17:28,047 BUT THIS? 423 00:17:28,081 --> 00:17:29,549 THIS IS JUST GONNA CONFUSE YOU. 424 00:17:29,582 --> 00:17:31,118 [ BOOK THUDS ] 425 00:17:31,151 --> 00:17:34,587 I WILL TELL YOU THE TRUTH IF YOU WANNA HEAR IT. 426 00:17:35,922 --> 00:17:37,757 YEAH? OKAY. 427 00:17:37,790 --> 00:17:40,760 HMM. OKAY, WHERE TO START? 428 00:17:40,793 --> 00:17:42,895 THIS WILL SOUND CRAZY, 429 00:17:42,929 --> 00:17:45,132 BUT IT'S WAY BETTER THAN VIDEO GAMES. 430 00:17:45,165 --> 00:17:49,136 YOU KNOW HOW SNEEZES FEEL REALLY SATISFYING IN A WEIRD WAY? 431 00:17:49,169 --> 00:17:51,238 [ H-TOWN'S "KNOCKIN' DA BOOTS" PLAYING ] STAY AWAY FROM ARKANSAS. 432 00:17:51,271 --> 00:17:53,072 THEY OUTLAWED ALL THE FUN STUFF. 433 00:17:53,106 --> 00:17:55,242 SPRING BREAK, MY GOD. 434 00:17:55,275 --> 00:17:58,711 I AM SO EXCITED FOR YOU. I MIGHT COME WITH. 435 00:17:58,745 --> 00:17:59,946 THAT'S A GREAT QUESTION. 436 00:17:59,979 --> 00:18:02,782 I SAY MAYBE YOU BURN ABOUT 200 CALORIES? 437 00:18:02,815 --> 00:18:04,917 IF YOU PRETEND LIKE YOU HAVE A BAD BACK, 438 00:18:04,951 --> 00:18:06,586 YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO SO MUCH WORK. 439 00:18:06,619 --> 00:18:10,223 THREE WORDS -- OLD "NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC." 440 00:18:10,257 --> 00:18:11,591 I LIKE HAVING THE LIGHTS OUT 441 00:18:11,624 --> 00:18:13,926 SO I CAN PRETEND LIKE WE'RE IN A CASTLE. 442 00:18:13,960 --> 00:18:17,264 THESE ARE NOT THE TYPE OF CRABS MARYLAND IS KNOWN FOR. 443 00:18:17,297 --> 00:18:18,765 AND MOST IMPORTANTLY, 444 00:18:18,798 --> 00:18:21,234 LIKE WE ALWAYS SAY DURING THE "S.N.L." MONOLOGUE 445 00:18:21,268 --> 00:18:22,735 WHEN A MUSICIAN HOSTS, 446 00:18:22,769 --> 00:18:24,404 WRAP IT UP. 447 00:18:24,437 --> 00:18:29,309 * I THOUGHT BACK TO WHEN WE MADE GOOD LOVE * 448 00:18:29,342 --> 00:18:30,843 HOW'D IT GO? GOOD. 449 00:18:30,877 --> 00:18:32,945 I WENT OVER THE WHOLE BOOK. 450 00:18:32,979 --> 00:18:34,647 DID YOU TELL HIM NOT TO DATE RAPE? 451 00:18:34,681 --> 00:18:36,816 WHAT? 452 00:18:36,849 --> 00:18:39,286 I FELT GOOD AFTER THAT TALK WITH MY DAD. [ SIGHS DEEPLY ] 453 00:18:39,319 --> 00:18:41,120 THE OTHER GUYS AT SCHOOL GOT A BUNCH OF GARBAGE 454 00:18:41,154 --> 00:18:43,323 ABOUT WATERING CANS AND FLOWERS. 455 00:18:43,356 --> 00:18:44,991 "MM, LET'S KISS." "OKAY." 456 00:18:45,024 --> 00:18:47,026 [ MAKES KISSING SOUNDS ] 457 00:18:47,059 --> 00:18:48,628 BUT MY DAD GAVE ME THE REAL, 458 00:18:48,661 --> 00:18:50,163 AND I WAS MAD APPRECIATIVE FOR THAT. 459 00:18:50,197 --> 00:18:52,432 I SAID TO MYSELF, WHEN I BECAME A DAD, 460 00:18:52,465 --> 00:18:53,600 I'D TREAT MY SON WITH THE SAME RESP-- 461 00:18:53,633 --> 00:18:55,101 AAH! LIKE THAT?! 462 00:18:55,134 --> 00:18:57,204 WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! YOU LIKE THAT?! NO?! 463 00:18:57,237 --> 00:19:00,173 WELL, GIRLS DON'T EITHER! NO MEANS NO! RESPECT GIRLS! 464 00:19:00,207 --> 00:19:01,441 NIGHTLY NEWS! 465 00:19:01,474 --> 00:19:03,176 OKAY, OKAY, I WON'T! GOD! OW! 466 00:19:07,247 --> 00:19:10,016 OKAY, I MAY HAVE OVERREACTED. 467 00:19:10,049 --> 00:19:11,484 YA THINK? 468 00:19:11,518 --> 00:19:14,287 OBVIOUSLY, I HAVE TOO MUCH TIME ON MY HANDS. 469 00:19:14,321 --> 00:19:18,291 I'M IN THE HOUSE ALL DAY, AND IT'S MAKING ME STIR-CRAZY. 470 00:19:18,325 --> 00:19:20,059 I THINK I NEED TO GET A JOB. 471 00:19:20,092 --> 00:19:22,329 HERE ARE THE CLASSIFIEDS. I CIRCLED YOU SEVERAL OPTIONS. 472 00:19:23,430 --> 00:19:25,565 AND? 473 00:19:25,598 --> 00:19:27,400 DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING ELSE YOU WANNA SAY TO ME? 474 00:19:27,434 --> 00:19:29,536 YES. GO GET READY FOR BED. 475 00:19:29,569 --> 00:19:32,038 AND THAT YOU'RE... 476 00:19:32,071 --> 00:19:34,841 HIS MOTHER, AND THAT HE STILL HAS A BEDTIME. 477 00:19:34,874 --> 00:19:37,344 BUT YOU CAME AT EDDIE WITH A STUFFED ANIMAL. 478 00:19:37,377 --> 00:19:40,413 AND NOW YOU'RE...S-- 479 00:19:40,447 --> 00:19:42,148 SEWING IT UP. 480 00:19:42,181 --> 00:19:44,016 OH, COME ON. 481 00:19:45,918 --> 00:19:48,154 I DON'T HAVE TO SAY "I'M SORRY" TO HIM, LOUIS. 482 00:19:48,187 --> 00:19:49,889 I GAVE BIRTH TO HIM. 483 00:19:49,922 --> 00:19:52,725 LIFE IS WORTH A THOUSAND "I AM SORRYS." 484 00:19:54,461 --> 00:19:56,329 THANKS, MOMMY. IT LOOKS AS GOOD AS NEW. 485 00:19:56,363 --> 00:20:00,533 THIS BELONGS TO GRANDMA NOW. SHE WON IT FAIR AND SQUARE. 486 00:20:00,567 --> 00:20:02,502 OH, THAT'S POKER, BABY. 487 00:20:02,535 --> 00:20:04,036 THAT'S POKER. 488 00:20:08,275 --> 00:20:10,343 Louis: NO. NO, NO, NO. NO, NO, NO, NO. NO. NO. 489 00:20:15,448 --> 00:20:17,083 OKAY, STUDENTS, A STATE-LICENSED SPOKESMAN 490 00:20:17,116 --> 00:20:18,718 IS HERE TO TELL US ABOUT OUR BODIES. 491 00:20:18,751 --> 00:20:21,554 ONE OF OUR PARENTS, LOUIS HUANG, HIGHLY RECOMMENDED HIM -- 492 00:20:21,588 --> 00:20:23,756 DUSTY NUGGéT! 493 00:20:23,790 --> 00:20:26,726 [ APPLAUSE ] [ BLOWING WHISTLE ] 494 00:20:26,759 --> 00:20:28,194 [ CHUCKLES ] OKAY! 495 00:20:28,227 --> 00:20:30,597 IT'S DUSTY NUGGET. JUST "NUGGET." 496 00:20:30,630 --> 00:20:33,766 OKAY, KIDS, WHAT DO YOU SAY WE KEEP THAT APPLAUSE GOING 497 00:20:33,800 --> 00:20:36,869 FOR A SPECIAL FRIEND OF MINE I BROUGHT ALONG TO HELP US OUT? 498 00:20:36,903 --> 00:20:39,071 HUH? THEY'LL HEAR IT FOR HIM! HUH? 499 00:20:39,105 --> 00:20:42,275 [ APPLAUSE ] 500 00:20:42,309 --> 00:20:44,544 YAY! THANKS, DUSTY NUGGET. 501 00:20:44,577 --> 00:20:47,447 WOW. [ CHUCKLES ] WHAT A COOL GUY, HUH, KIDS? 502 00:20:47,480 --> 00:20:49,916 HI! I'M HEALTHY HAMILTON. 503 00:20:49,949 --> 00:20:53,052 AND, UH, WHAT DO YOU SAY WE JUST START WITH SOME QUESTIONS, HUH? 504 00:20:53,085 --> 00:20:54,321 Boy: DO YOU HAVE A PENIS? 505 00:20:54,354 --> 00:20:55,455 KEVIN! [ LAUGHTER ] 506 00:20:55,488 --> 00:20:56,923 NO, IT'S OKAY. 507 00:20:56,956 --> 00:20:59,792 I PREFER TO THINK OF IT AS A WATERING CAN. 508 00:20:59,826 --> 00:21:02,962 SO...YOU GUYS WANNA HEAR THE REAL? 509 00:21:02,995 --> 00:21:05,465 SLEEPOVER, MY HOUSE, SATURDAY NIGHT. 510 00:21:05,498 --> 00:21:07,300 I'LL TELL YOU ABOUT SPRING BREAK, 511 00:21:07,334 --> 00:21:09,168 BLACK SPRING BREAK -- NO! 512 00:21:09,201 --> 00:21:12,639 UH, WE'RE GONNA HAVE A SLEEPOVER AT MY HOUSE SATURDAY NIGHT. 513 00:21:12,672 --> 00:21:13,940 I JUST GOT... 514 00:21:13,973 --> 00:21:16,509 [ Singsongy ] A BIRD THAT CAN TALK! 515 00:21:16,543 --> 00:21:19,846 SO...EDDIE'S HOUSE THEN? 516 00:21:21,514 --> 00:21:23,015 YEP, THEY CHOSE ME, BROCK. 517 00:21:23,049 --> 00:21:24,651 TALK TO YOUR BIRD ABOUT THAT. 518 00:21:24,684 --> 00:21:25,852 Man: * YEAH